Capt America Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Steve Rogers - The Constant
by TheConstant1944
Summary: Sergeant James Barnes thought he knew what he wanted in life. He went to war as a young confident soldier who thought he could cope with anything – safe in the knowledge that the person he loved the most would always be there for him. But then he is broken. Abused. All he wants is to get back to Steve, back to a life that now does not exist. He may as well be in Hell. Perhaps he is
1. Chapter 1 - Prologue

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**This narrative does contain adult material that pertains to the story so please do not read if you feel you may be offended.**

PROJECT WINTER SOLDIER - designed by Hydra, one man can make all the difference - or at least that was the idea. The reality? One man taken from his family, friends, lover and tortured into something he would abhor.

THE CONSTANT - the nurse abducted to look after him - who loves him but knows that one day she will have to let him go because if he is ever to be free then he will return to the love of his life - Steve Rogers.

 **...**

 ** **Bucky Barnes - As A Young Boy****

 ** _This 1st chapter is to set the scene and is the Prologue._**

 ** _The story then begins in the 2nd chapter when Bucky has just fallen from the train (in Captain America: The First Avenger)._**

 ** **Brooklyn 1929 - 1941****

They are complete opposites to look at.

The young boy is dark haired, and needs time to grow into his features - but he has a smile that could melt any girls' heart. He is the eldest of four brothers, and lives with his mother and father, Winifred and George. He is strong, good at sports, but not overly competitive. Well-built like his father. He is a realist, but likes to play the fool sometimes to hide his true feelings. He believes that there is good and evil in the world. He has a hard edge to him but it is not hard enough to protect him from all that will happen to him. His name is James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky.

James has not seen the true evil of the world yet.

But he will.

And the other one? He is Steven Grant Rogers. Steve. James calls him 'Kid'. Steve is blond, and has a smile that is shy but would warm anyone's heart. The mean-spirited bullies see it as a weakness. They are wrong. He has delicate, beautiful blue eyes framed by long lashes. Due to childhood illness he is short in stature and is far less muscular. His skin is almost translucent, and sometimes you would think the very wind is going to knock him down. He has no brothers or sisters, his father, Joseph, died when he was young. He lives alone with his mother, Sarah. This kid is an idealist, more serious-minded than his friend; he believes the world is good and there is such a naivety to him that you know life is going to deal some blows which will knock him hard.

So hard he may find it difficult to believe in things ever again.

The two of them are so different yet share so much in common in so many other ways. They are both intelligent, hard working, loyal, they are both as brave as lions, and neither will back down from a fight they believe in.

And they love each other, though they do not realise yet just how much.

After all you never realise how much someone means to you until you no longer have them.

James seems to always be pulling the Kid out of fights: doesn't matter if it is in the school yard or behind the local cinema, or (on occasion) even down at the docks. The blond will jump into a fight and welcome all comers but then get pummelled into the ground. He just does not have the physique that the older boys do.

James takes the Kid under his wing and drags him along to Goldies' Gym to see if he can put some meat on his bones. At least give him a fighting chance in life. He has never seen someone so skinny and small who courts fights the way this Kid does.

And yet, brave as the Kid is, he cannot be introduced to a girl. The Kid will stammer something, blush and walk away - leaving his friend behind.

Only James never does stay behind - he will always follow the Kid no matter what.

James tries to teach him how to flirt, how to relax around girls; but the Kid doesn't have any self-confidence and his mind cannot be changed, no-one can give him that confidence he needs to accept that a girl will ever like him. The Kid believes no girl will ever want to be with him; he feels he has nothing to offer them. He is wrong. Try as hard as he can the young man cannot get it right, match making and double dates usually ending in disaster. Often as not, his dark-haired companion ends up sending the girls home and choosing to remain with his friend instead.

As they grow up and become young men their friendship deepens and neither can see a life without the other being close by. They both enrol in the local Art college. The Kid has more talent and James encourages it, as it seems to give his friend some of the confidence in himself that he sorely needs.

When they can, they work down at the docks at weekends earning extra cash. Often at the end of the day's work they will sit on the dock wall and talk of their futures, maybe wives and families, or a business together. But in their naivety they do not know what life can do to young dreamers and both will have their dreams crushed by war.

When he is in his late teens, the Kid's mother dies of tuberculosis, and it hits the him hard.

James searches for him after the funeral. The Kid has walked home alone, and James finds him wearily climbing the stairs to the flat he shared with his mother. He looks tired, so alone, and the young man's heart goes out to him. He follows The Kid up to the lonely flat and tries to persuade him to come home with him. "We looked for you after. My folks wanted to give you a ride from the cemetery."

At first Steve doesn't say anything as they walk up to his apartment. He lifts his hand and brushes his hair out of his eyes. "I know, I'm sorry. I just...kind of wanted to be alone." Steve cannot look at Bucky because he knows if he does he will break down, and he thinks that he has to cope with this on his own.

"How was it?" Bucky asks.

"It was okay. She's next to Dad."

"I was gonna ask..."

"I know what you're gonna say, Buck, I just..." Steve starts to respond but Bucky carries on talking, an almost desperation in his voice.

"We can put the couch cushion on the floor like when we were kids. It'll be fun. All you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash."

As they get to the apartment door Bucky continues to look at Steve for a reply, for him to say anything. Instead Steve pats his pocket, trying to find his keys. Bucky kicks a brick aside, picks up the apartment key from under it and gives it to Steve.

Bucky says quietly, "Come on." Steve finally looks up at him, tries to smile. "Thank you, Buck, but I can get by on my own."

Bucky shakes his head, eyes closed for a moment."The thing is, you don't have to." Bucky places a hand on Steve's shoulder and looks at him again, tears glistening in his eyes. Bucky makes sure Steve is not just looking at him, but that he is also listening to him. "I'm with you till the end of the line, pal."

And with that the Kid knows he isn't alone; even when he has nothing he knows he will always have his friend. His eyes well up and Bucky pulls him forward and wraps him a hug, kissing the top of his head.

So many times they have come close to telling each other how they feel, each knowing it is more than friendship, and so many times they have both shied away from it.

They have talked about girls, meeting the right one and getting married, having a family, living close by to each other so they are always together but neither realises he is bisexual; hell, in their day the word wasn't even widely known. The thoughts they sometimes think about each other in unguarded moments are illegal, seem to come out of no where and besides which they only like girls - right?

Time is running out for both of them.

It is a late spring day and they have both got caught in a shower just about making it home to the Kid's flat before getting completely drenched.

The Kid is soaked through to the skin, and James had promised Sarah Rogers he would always keep Steve safe. He needs to get him out of his wet clothes and into something dry and warm. The thought that comes to the young man's mind makes him blush and he hopes his friend didn't see it in his eyes.

He bullies the Kid into changing, helping him remove his wet top, handing him a towel and averting his eyes as the Kid pulls on a clean top. He uses another towel to pat himself down and dry his own hair. Combing it afterwards looking in Sarah's dressing table mirror at the reflection of the Kid struggling with his braces. He turns and walks over cuffing him around the head gently, then without thinking roughly combs the blond hair to look a bit more presentable.

"You'll break a girls heart, Kid," he says and grins.

Unusually the Kid doesn't quip back and doesn't smile either, just ducks his head and goes to sit on the edge of the double bed where he now sleeps since his mother died, it seemed to be the right thing to do, move into the larger room.

James senses a sadness about his friend. __I should stop calling him Kid__ he thinks, __he's only two years younger and we're both men now.__ Time he started thinking of him that way. He shakes his head as if arguing with himself, but not in the way that has been on his mind so much lately, he thinks. At that thought he blushes and ducks his head praying the Kid can't read his mind.

The Kid is actually thinking the same.

If only the two of them would talk, would broach the subject but each is frightened of losing the other one. The Kid looks at his friend; sometimes he is so sure his friend feels something for him, the way he touches him when he doesn't need to, the way he looks at him, the broodiness sometimes that comes over him as if he is questioning something in his mind.

The young man lies back on the bed listening to the rain outside the window, at his side the Kid moves and lays on his front looking at his friend.

"Buck..."

"Hmm?"

He can see he doesn't have James's full attention.

Can he go through with this? Can he say it this time?

"Buck!"

"What?" the young man looks at him, those big beautiful eyes making his heart almost stop.

"I need to say something."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Can I be honest with you?"

"Always," Bucky smiles.

"I like girls..." Steve says, and he is trying to be serious. This is so difficult to say - what if he is wrong, what if his friend is so disgusted he leaves and never returns?

"Oh yeah, me too..." and Bucky forms an hour glass shape with his hands and grins.

Steve tries to smile but he can't, this is important to him. Bucky stops smiling. He feels Steve is going to say something that is going to change their lives, and the way they think about each other, he just knows it. He can see it in the pale blue eyes, the set of his friends mouth, the slight blush on his cheeks.

"Don't," he says quietly, not even sure if he has said it out loud. But Steve either doesn't hear him or doesn't care; he needs to get the words out into the open

"So why can't I stop thinking about you? Why do I want...why do I want you so much it hurts?" Steve says and ducks his head but still looks at his friend from under his bangs, his heart now beating so fast he thinks his friend will be able to hear it. He can't keep his feelings to himself any more. He still tingles from the feel of his friends hands as he was helping him strip off his wet top. The way he saw Bucky's eyes roam over his body and then turn away quickly.

They have come so close to this conversation so many times, both putting it off not knowing if the other one feels the same. Both feeling ashamed of thinking about their friend in that way, both worried what their families would say, would think.

James blushes, still looking at Steve, his gaze taking in those light blue eyes framed by blond lashes long enough to be a girls'. The slight form under the shirt.

Steve has rarely ever seen his friend blush before.

Bucky is about to make some smart-alec remark to diffuse the situation but he can't, instead he looks at Steve for what seems a long time.

Then Steve's stomach drops as he sees Bucky's jaw clench. Bucky looks away from him and turns to get off the bed.

"Buck?" Steve sits up.

"I...I've gotta be getting home...promised my old man I would help him with something," and Bucky stands up pretending to be sorting his top out that has gotten rucked up, refusing to look at Steve.

"Buck?"

Steve sees that Bucky means to leave, but he can't let him, can't let the conversation end like this, can't lose him.

He scrambles off the bed and to the door, pushing it shut and standing in front of it. Bucky stops in front of him.

"Aww come on," Bucky says quietly, he looks at the floor then briefly at Steve, sees those wide eyes full of fear. His own heart is banging, his ears humming, he wants to reach out, wants to...

"Buck...Buck ignore me, I was just...joshing, you know...Buck?" Steves voice is wavering, and they both know he wasn't joking, he was telling Bucky how he really feels.

Bucky closes his eyes and shakes his head from side to side. He can't cope with this. Why did he have to say it, why couldn't Steve just leave things the way they were, why must he always have to be so goddamn honest?

He could shake him.

"Bucky, sorry, sorry for what I said...please, forget it, it was stupid." There is desperation in Steves tone.

Bucky looks up. He has to be hard, he has to resist, he is the one who needs to stop this in its tracks before Steve gets hurt, before they both do something they may regret.

"Get outta my way, Kid."

Steve's hands clench at his side, his eyes harden.

"No Buck. And my names Steve, not Kid. Don't call me 'Kid' any more." Steve knows he needs to fight for this, that if he moves, if he gives in, he will lose Bucky forever.

He sees the way Bucky's hands clench not knowing it is because Bucky's own feelings for him are trying to surface, trying to get him to acknowledge the truth.

Bucky lifts his hand and slams it against the door next to Steve's head, making Steve jump. There is a temper behind it. Bucky goes to speak but stops, not trusting himself.

" _ _Jesus,"__ he says under his breath and bangs the door again.

He takes his hand away and turns around. He promised Sarah Rogers in this very room he would keep her son safe and now - __now__ he wants to fuck him more than anything in the world.

"Please Buck, I can't lose you, please, please forget what I said," Steve's voice is thick; he is trying to keep back tears. He doesn't want to cry, he wants to be so strong but the thought of losing Bucky hurts, makes him feel sick, empty.

Bucky turns and sits on the edge of the bed, his hands scrubbing at his face.

"You had to go and spoil it, didn't you," he says quietly.

Steve watches his friends anguish. He caused this, he made a terrible mistake. He moves forward until he is stood in front of Bucky and Bucky looks up and straight into his eyes. He looks so serious, he looks like he to wants to cry.

"We can't," he says so quietly Steve barely hears the words, Bucky looks away again.

"We can't," he says again as if trying to convince himself.

Steve hesitantly puts a hand out to touch his shoulder. Bucky doesn't move, his own hands hang between his legs. He can feel Steve's warm hand through the material of his still damp shirt, he can smell him, he can feel him so close.

"Oh God," he groans.

He looks up at Steve.

"We can't...think of my parents, think of your what your mother would say."

"She's not here, Buck, and neither are they. Are you saying you feel the same way?" Steve knows he has to get this out in the open. Else he has lost.

"They don't need to know. No one does, its between you and me, its no one else's business."

He takes his hand off Bucky's shoulder and instead kneels down in front of him.

"Bucky look at me."

He puts his hands on Bucky's knees.

"Buck...please look at me and tell me you don't feel the same way. If you don't I'll let you leave and I won't stop you then its up to you if you want us to remain being friends...I'll always be here for you."

Steve's heart is pounding and he is finding it difficult to breathe, but he daren't let Bucky see any weakness in him. Now is the time for him to be strong for someone who has always been strong for him.

Bucky groans and leans back looking at the ceiling. Steve says nothing more, he can see the internal struggle Bucky is having, and he knows he is so close to winning.

After a few moments Bucky leans forward again and looks at Steve, the man who to him is the most important person in his life, who for so long he has wanted to touch, wanted to hold. He reaches out and runs his fingers down the side of Steve's face and Steve turns to kiss the palm of his hand and his hands move up Bucky's legs.

He looks back at Bucky.

Slowly and hesitantly Bucky leans forwards, closes his eyes.

" _ _We shouldn't,__ " he whispers, as he kisses Steve on the lips.

The first kiss is brief, whilst Bucky has had plenty of practice, Steve hasn't. Bucky has been all the way and knows he has to take it slowly with Steve, he is so worried about physically harming him, so worried about how to ...

Before he can pull away though Steve's arms come around him and pulls him back into the embrace and their lips meet again only this time Steve takes charge and pushes his slim body into Bucky's. He feels slight resistant and then Bucky's mouth opens and Steve's tongue demands a response, Bucky nearly squeaks in surprise but then leans into the kiss.

When they pull away this time both are breathless.

"Wow...what was that?" Bucky says.

It makes Steve smile.

"Something I have wanted to do for a long time."

He reaches up and places his hand on the back of Bucky's head and pulls him forward and kisses him again, this time there is no hesitation and Bucky's arms circle around the delicate frame holding him tight. Steve clutches his friend to him and pushes his body again into the strong muscular one.

They need each other, they felt something from the first time they ever met, something they have been trying to deny forever.

Steve reaches forward, taking the lead, he has wanted to run his hands over Bucky's body for so long, feel every muscle, every part of him. His slim hands slip in under the shirt pulling at it until he pulls it up and over Bucky's head and then he feels Bucky's hands slip Steve's braces down over his shoulders and then they are on his shirt but Bucky doesn't go any further.

Steve realises he needs to give Bucky permission, needs to confirm to him that this is what he wants, there is still hesitation there on Bucky's side.

"Help me," he says reaching down to remove his own shirt.

And Bucky does.

Steve moves even nearer and Bucky pulls him closer and runs his finger tips over Steve's chest and then bends and kisses his stomach.

Steve thinks he is going to stop breathing.

"Oh man, oh Jesus..." he groans. He feels Bucky's tongue glide over his skin, feels his tongue lick over his navel and he groans again.

"Unfair," he murmurs.

Bucky pulls away and looks into those eyes again. Steve can still feel his friends hesitancy and he knows he is trying to be careful.

Steve moves to sit on the bed next to him and then scoots over pulling Bucky by the arm so they end up lying next to each other side by side facing each other.

Bucky is still worried about hurting Steve, about placing all of his weight on top of the slight form: he is so slim, so delicate and Bucky is muscular, larger, heavier.

Steve knows this, he can see the hesitation so he moves to lean over him, he can feel the heat they are both generating.

"You won't hurt me," Steve says, he is so serious, he wants this, he wants Bucky to be his, he wants them to belong to each other.

They have a lot to learn about each other over the next few weeks, they think they can take it slowly - but unfortunately what they don't know is time is running out for both of them.

They will be separated. They will think they have lost each other. They will weep.

But for now, they are together.

For now Steve looks down at Bucky and they spend the evening until it grows dark learning all they can about each other and their new found bond.

But the Kid is wrong. The dark haired man can hurt him - but not in the way he thinks.

They will hurt each other in ways they can't even begin to imagine.


	2. Chapter 2 - The Beginning

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**This narrative does contain adult material that pertains to the story so please do not read if you feel you may be offended.**

 **...**

 ** **Chapter Two: The Beginning****

 ** **Part One - Bucky Barnes****

The cold bites through to his bones and his body hurts all over. He is confused for a moment. He is lying in snow and if he looks up he can just see the sky through the trees. The wind is howling through them and it is getting dark. There are broken branches spread around him.

He must have fallen.

As soon as he thinks that, he sees a picture of Steve in his mind, reaching out his hand, a distraught look on his face. Then he is falling, his body hits the rock face but keeps going, falling again, a pain so bad in his left arm that it causes him to lose consciousness and then he wakes up in this place.

"Not your fault Steve," he murmurs and he passes out.

The next time he comes around, it is the pain that has woken him. The sky is lighter and there is a small covering of snow over him that he tries to brush off his face. He is so cold and he tries to get up but nothing moves, instead he can feel bones grating against each other. Pain lances through his body and he cries out. __Jesus, that hurts__. He senses one leg bent under him and his left hand is aching so bad he thinks he must have broken it, he holds it up to look but there is nothing there and as he tries to move all he can see is a ragged mess where his arm used to be.

"No..." he stutters, thinking he is not seeing right. He blinks to try and clear his eyesight and he becomes aware of the searing cold. He is now aware of it in every part of his body. He shivers violently.

He coughs and groans from the pain it causes, a trickle of blood runs from his nose, his chest hurts and he tries to stop the next cough as he can't breathe properly.

He is trying to think.

He must have been here for hours, __no,__ longer than that, so why isn't he dead? Why hasn't hypothermia settled in, claiming his body, cooling it down ready to claim him as its victim? He has forgotten Zola's serum - no not forgotten: he does not know what it does, does not know its purpose.

It is in his blood stream, it is in his muscles, coursing around keeping the nerve endings alive, keeping the hypothermia at bay, keeping him alive so he can feel every broken bone, every bit of damage done. But the serum is untested, unstable, there is not enough of it to start even trying to repair the damage done, for now it will just barely keep him alive.

But just for now.

He tries again to sit up but his head swims. He needs to get up, needs to move or he will die. Blood trickles down the back of his neck from a head wound and he passes out again.

Next time what awakens him is something pulling at what remains of his left arm. He opens his eyes and the pulling stops. A huge wolf is watching him. It bends its massive head to lick at his blood in the snow. He sees the creatures muscles ripple through the beautiful grey coat and then it comes forward again and tugs at the mess where once his left hand and arm had been. The jolt to his heart gives him a false strength and he surges back against a tree. The wolf jumps back, licking its snout, it has had a taste of his blood now and is hungry. He groans as pain lances through his whole body and he bites his tongue hard causing blood to run out of his mouth.

His mind is sluggish, he can't hold his thoughts. __Where is he, what the hell happened?__

The last he can remember is picking up Steve's shield, lifting it and shooting at something and that is all, total blank. And now? Now he is in a forest and it is so quiet, no bird song nothing but his own ragged breathing.

The yellow eyes of the wolf follow his every move, its breath misting out in front of it, and it starts to move forward again, baring its teeth warning him not to try and stop it.

He looks around for something he can defend himself with and sees a branch, he lifts his left hand up to reach over for it, he has forgotten - there is nothing there and he feels bile rising in his throat. All he can see is a red ragged mass just above the elbow and a long piece of broken splintered bone. He can see the marrow running through the broken bone and the flesh is mingled in with the torn ends of the sleeve of his blue jacket.

 _ _Breathe Barnes, breathe.__

He is trying not to panic, this is a nightmare, he will wake up soon. But God he is so tired, every part of him hurts, everything is so cold. Blackness starts to move in, his mind ready to blink out again and the wolf moves forward - sensing its prey is all but finished, it licks its snout already covered in his blood.

He thinks it is one of the most frightening things he has ever seen.

It comes nearer until he thinks he can feel its hot breath, it dips its head to his broken left arm and he feels the tugging again and a tremendous pain as the jaws bite off the splintered bone. Its eyes never leave his as it crunches down, dips its head for more. Bucky's heart is racing so hard, his mind is absolutely petrified watching this creature eat his flesh and bone. He tries to move, tries to cry out but the wolf knows there is no strength left in this damaged creature and it is in no rush to kill him whilst his blood is so warm and fresh.

 _ _Jesus Barnes you're being eaten by a wolf, for Christ's sakes man do something.__

But then the darkness rushes in and thankfully takes his mind away.

This time it is a shot that wakens him, it is just moments later but he doesn't know that, he has no sense of time. The shot is followed by a growl and a whimper and the wolf has gone.

Instead he sees a group of soldiers walking towards him, rifles held relaxed, they recognise that he is no threat to them. His immediate thought is that it is Steve and the others, they have come to help him. He tries to blink to clear his eyes.

' _ _The cavalry,'__ he thinks his humour trying to take over, take away the sick feeling deep in his gut.

But he can't see Steve. He would recognise him anywhere and he can't see him.

As they get nearer he realises he doesn't recognise any of them, doesn't recognise anything about them at all.

 _ _God I hope whoever they are they have water,__ his mouth is so dry.

Then he hears them speaking.

Russian.

They are casual, not in any hurry and the group walk up to him, spreading out, covering him from all angles. Their faces show their amusement, he has no idea what they are saying but he is guessing it is not good.

They see the wings on the sleeve of his coat.

 _ _'Amerikanskiy,'__ one of them says and spits on the ground.

 _ _Aren't we supposed to be on friendly terms with them at the moment?__ His mind won't let him think. __God Steve, where are you? I could really use your help about now.__

He tries to move again and another bout of pain hits him and he groans, he senses a pain in his back as if something is trying to split the skin and he feels a trickle of something run down his spine.

"Please...help me," he says, his voice cracked by pain. He doesn't know if what he said came out loud, his hearing seems shot and it feels like he is under water, he shivers and his lungs take in the cold air causing pain that makes him breathless.

One of them, the leader, crouches down and looks up through the trees and then back at Bucky. He reaches forward and pats Bucky's coat looking for weapons but there are none. Bucky has already lost them when he fell. The Russian then rummages around in Bucky's outer pockets and takes all that he finds – but there is not much to be had. He prods the stump of Bucky's left arm with his rifle and makes some comment - pain flares up through Bucky's mind, heat flares up through his body and he groans. The soldiers find it funny, and, using the now defunct rifle straps around Bucky's coat, they drag him out from under the tree and into a small clearing leaving a bloody trail behind.

He cannot stop them, he has no command over his body at all. He is shivering and he feels his heart rate and breathing speed up, not fear, it is the cold starting to win.

They stand around him and watch as he tries to ask them for help, for water, he tries to sit up. Impossible.

Their faces show what they are thinking: there is no compassion for him at all and their grins show that there will be no help from them either. Instead one of them prods him with his foot causing another bolt of pain to flare up.

The leader kicks him over and tells him in broken English to _"_ _ _Crawl!"__ He crouches in front of Bucky, holding out a flask of water, indicating that Bucky is to come and get it, a cruel smile on his face. The men stand back and watch, the look in their eyes similar to that of the wolf. They laugh at his efforts, they have played this game before.

Bucky tries to crawl forward using his right hand, what remains of his left trails behind leaving fresh blood. His nails break as he tries to dig into the ground to help himself move. Another soldier steps forward and puts his boot on Bucky's right hand and grinds it into the hard ground, and blackness threatens his vision as pain lances through and up his arm - he actually hears, as well as feels, two of his fingers break.

Then the man kicks him and he hears the word __'faster!'__ but his whole body is broken, he can't move.

He lays his head down on the frozen ground. He can hear them talking but doesn't know what they are saying. He coughs and blood trickles out of his mouth and onto the snow. He is going to die, he is too tired to even think about saving himself, there is no way he could. Any second now he expects to hear the shot that will take his life.

Instead hands pull at him and turn him over again driving whatever it is in his back deeper, he coughs as blood surges up his throat and then someone plants a heavy foot in the middle of his chest. It is the leader. Bucky finds it even harder to breath with the weight bearing down on his already damaged lungs.

The leader is smoking and looking down at the American. How is he still alive, he must have fallen a hell of a way...and what is he doing out here all alone? He does not speak enough English to interrogate him to find out more. They could never get him back to their camp, it is to far but he senses there might be money to be made, even if it is just selling the organs to the black market doctor at the hospital field camp ten miles from here.

He signals his men who groan - they wanted to have fun with this one, see how long he would last naked and crawling in the snow until they show mercy and put a bullet through his brain. They sometimes turned it into a game, placed bets on their victims. The leader rubs his fingers together, the universal __'catch all'__ for money.

He points to two of the men to drag the body, and then as they bend and get a good hold on the straps they set out towards the field camp, given luck and no heavy snowfall they should reach it in two hours.

Bucky feels the pressure on his chest lessen but as the two soldiers either side grab the straps around his coat he feels pain as they lift him just enough for his shoulders to clear the ground, the pain in his back takes his breath away.

"No, please don't," he begs them but they take no notice.

He wants them to stop, he can feel his bones grinding together - can't they understand he is broken? He has never felt pain like it but they have no pity, no compassion. All he can do is now is pray that Steve is near by. Pray that Steve will find him.

He feels every bump they drag him over, his back feels as if it is breaking and he feels nauseous, dizzy. His mind goes in and out of consciousness and the journey never seems to end. They are not gentle with him: the two soldiers are disgruntled that they have the extra job of pulling him and they make no effort to ease the way. He has stopped shivering now, his breathing is slowing, shallower. As he goes in and out of consciousness he is confused as to where he is and what is happening.

By the time they get him to the field camp he is almost gone, he is so cold his blood is close to freezing. It's a wasted journey for them and the leader is in a filthy mood. Looking at Bucky he can see why, there can't be an unbroken bone in his body, what a waste of a good opportunity to make money.

The doctor doesn't even come out to look at the body. There is just not enough life left in it, but he does do a trade for other goods they have brought with them. The leader passes a few bottle of cheap vodka around his men and tells them to do what they want. He goes with the doctor into the tent to warm up and have a drink.

The men pounce on Bucky arguing over what possessions left of his belong to who, they strip him completely, tugging his clothes off his body, regardless of his wounds.

They leave him lying naked in the snow. He was cold before but now the snow starts to freeze his body, he can feel it burning where his skin touches the solid ground. He is hardly bleeding; his wounds are frozen. Bucky thought when you were this cold you weren't supposed to feel anything but he does, he feels every broken bone, his skin is torn, bruises mark his body where he has been kicked and dragged along the ground. The pain is courtesy of Zola's serum. His eyelids are almost frozen shut and he has no strength to open them but he can still hear, can still feel himself dying.

Suddenly he feels two of the men lift him up and his back is slammed against a tree, he groans but they take no notice. He is so thirsty. He tries to ask for a drink but no words come out. They tie him to the tree, he tries to open his eyes to see what is happening, they flutter and light breaks through and then he closes them again, they are pointing rifles at him. They are finally going to kill him. He welcomes it.

He knows he should face them bravely; suddenly he experiences a clarity of mind and he tries to stand up straighter using the tree trunk to help him, he grits his teeth and tries to look at the men but his eyes are watering as if they are full of grit, he can hardly see what is happening. He tries to think of Steve, of his parents, his brothers and a sob escapes him.

He hears a shot and just as quickly feels a bullet thump into his thigh, he hears laughter. The soldier was trying to aim for the American's genitals but missed, he blames the drink. Another shot and the snow behind him flares up. Missed altogether. The next bullet slams into his right side and passes all the way through to the tree trunk behind him, splinters embed themselves in his back. He tries to beg them to stop, to just shoot him through the head but they are laughing, they want their sport. When the third bullet hits his left shoulder he is no longer conscious. He doesn't hear the shouts of their leader or feel as the ropes are cut and his body falls to the ground.

The leader looks down at the near lifeless body. There is no sympathy, nothing. This body is no better than an animal to put out of its misery. He will destroy the face and take the dog tags. He is looking forward to it. He kicks the American to bring him around and he will then move him onto his back so he can see his eyes open and see the moment the life drains away, the eyes flicker and he unslings his rifle but at that moment he hears footsteps and swings around.

It is one of the nurses. He recognises her; he has had run-ins with her before.

She says something to him. He just grins at her, but then she is shouting at him and steps forward, eyes flashing, so angry. He swings the rifle around to point it at her. How he would love to pull the trigger, watch her as she takes a bullet to the gut and then writhe on the floor whilst he and his men abuse her - but then he hears a shout in the background and he sees one of the doctors.

He doesn't want any trouble, he needs to know he and his men can still use this field camp, pilfer supplies and besides which one of their contacts with the black market is here. He knows she saw in his eyes what he wanted to do to her and he enjoyed that moment of fear that he saw. He slings his rifle on his back and spits at her feet and then leaves. He has other things to do and they have a few more miles to go before nightfall.

Bucky lies in the snow on his side and feels when hands pull him over onto his back again. He wants to open his eyes but he is so tired. Sounds fluctuate. He feels like he is under water and there is a humming in his brain. God, but he wishes Steve were here, wishes they were back in Brooklyn. He can feel someone touch him, gently, running their warm hands over his cold flesh and then brushing his hair back off his face.

A gentle heaviness covers part of his legs and middle body and he hears a woman murmuring and then he hears her indrawn breath as she gasps, he feels fingers on his wrist and then he hears her shout something in Russian.

He opens his eyes, struggling to keep them open and he sees her bending over him. She talks to him softly, he recognises the words, they are English.

He tries to say Steves' name, he needs her to send for help but he can't get the words out. He feels her trickle water into his mouth and he is so grateful for that small act of kindness. He tries to talk again but he can't hear his voice sound the words, has he said them?

He is fading fast.

She is talking to him, he hears the click of his dog tags and she says his name, not his nickname, not the name everyone calls him by but instead she calls him James, it has been a long time since anyone has called him that.

Then darkness closes in and he doesn't hear any more.

 ** **Part Two - The Nurse****

You have to start your memories somewhere, so you think back to the time when you first saw Sergeant James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes. But the first sight was so inconsequential you don't even take in what you are seeing.

It's cold, so very cold, and it has been snowing. You used to love the snow as a child, but as an adult you are beginning to hate it. How can something so beautiful frame such bloodshed? Because that is what the snow does, it shows you the true red colour of spilt blood.

Your uniform (blue skirt and green buckled jacket) does nothing to keep out the cold, and you have taken one of the greatcoats worn by the soldiers to try and keep warm, but the ice still seems to seep into your bones.

It has been a long time since you were truly warm.

You are in a field hospital, God knows where because you no longer care; they send you wherever they need you. The hospital is just another collection of tents, a few hastily constructed wooden outbuildings they have put up for the small contingency of soldiers based here, and not forgetting the operation and recovery tents which is where you spend the majority of your time. And finally the tent you share with the other nurses during the rare times when you are asleep in your bunk.

And you mustn't forget the dead and dying bodies. There are always those, no matter where you are.

On the day in question, you have been on shift for what seems like days; you are not supposed to be but how can you tell a 19 year-old boy that you can no longer hold his hand whilst he is dying just because your shift rotation has finished? You can't, and it seems to happen every day.

Now, you are going to see one of the doctors. There are four of them, two on two off - not that their shift pattern ever works for them either. You like this doctor, Doctor Bethune, and try to work with him as much as possible. He cares and he is honest.

Coming into the camp is a patrol, soldiers - no not soldiers, scavengers, the dregs the army could find to fight the war. You cannot call them soldiers, because these ones have no honour; they are a disgrace to honourable soldiers everywhere, the ones who fight for their families, for their countries. Their leader looks around, and he sees you but you are immediately dismissed; just a nurse, he wants to talk to someone important. You know this man, you despise him, you know that he is a runner for the black market and whenever he and his men are here supplies seem to dwindle at a worrying rate.

As you bend to go into the tent, you see they are dragging a body - another one. This band always seem to find them and then try to sell them to the doctors as if they are spare parts, and you can't seem to make them realise once a person is dead the organs are just offal and can benefit no one. It just leaves another dead person to be buried out here, nowhere and alone.

The leader obviously spies who he has come to see and heads towards him. It is one of the other doctors here, a man who cares nothing for saving lives. He chose to be is here rather than face the Gulag, he is a criminal and God knows what else. They greet each other and the men dragging the body just drop it and stand around stamping their feet, trying to get some life back into their hands.

The last thing you notice is the thin, spotty trail of blood they brought with them - it must be from the body they were dragging - and then you are in the tent and have put them out of your mind, you need to discuss today's losses. Now that the latest poor boys have died, it will leave the camp virtually deserted of patients - that is, until the next ones arrive bloody and torn. After the meeting you intend to drop into your bunk and oblivion until you hear the trucks arriving to deliver your new round of patients, and it will all start over again.

When you come out of the tent 45 minutes later it has been snowing, just lightly but enough to make the landscape look beautiful again. You pull your coat around you, buttoning it as you go, and trudge back to your tent, brushing the snow from your fringe and eyelashes where it always seems to stick. You are close to your tent when you hear a gun shot, not unusual in this camp but it is the laughter that makes you hesitate and draws you around to the back of the camp. There is a cruelness to the sound that disturbs you.

You take a look at what is going on, and at first you think it is just rifle practice - but then one of the men moves and you see what they are shooting at.

 _ _How can men like this exist?__

The men are from the patrol that came into the camp earlier, and naturally the doctor was not interested in buying the corpse - so they have stripped it of its clothes, tied it to a tree and decided to use it for target practice. They are passing around a bottle, obviously they had something they were able to trade to someone.

You are sickened. You have learnt to expect grim humour from the soldiers who work around you but this is sick and you are tired of death. Everyone, especially the dead who have fallen in battle, should have their dignity.

The leader says something. Rifle practice is over and one of the men cuts the rope to let the body fall into the snow, and then, unnecessarily kicks it to roll over on its side. Two of the men are arguing over some of the clothes they stripped from the man, good boots and a blue jacket which has lost its left sleeve and has a large rent in the back but can be repaired, the rest of the items have been absorbed into the group and they start to move away.

The leader looks down at the body and unslings his rifle. You come up behind him and he swings around, he recognises you and his face changes into a sneer.

"You bloody animal." You are angry. You are also five foot ten, tall for a woman, but he is well over six foot and could swat you like a fly.

"Haven't you done enough?" You know he is going to shoot the corpse in the face; this is the signature for this group, you have seen it before, they like to wipe out the features of their enemies.

For a moment you see it in his eyes, he is debating whether or not to use the bullet on you, you stare at him and do not break eye contact, and although fear gnaws at you, you will not allow him to do any more to this poor man's body.

In the distance you hear someone shouting.

"Whats going on?" It is Doctor Bethune.

The leader smirks and swings the rifle back on his shoulder, then spits at your feet. He dismisses you without a word and goes to join his men. They are leaving. For a moment your knees tremble, and you think someone up there must like you.

You kneel next to the corpse. His back is bruised, sliced open and the wounds are frozen, wood splinters run down his spine. You pull him gently over towards you. His flesh feels so cold and stiff.

You look at his face and something in you breaks.

He looks so young, not much older than you are. His dog tags are still in place, and you can see a part of the writing on them and you realise he was foreign, either English or American which explains the contempt that they had for his body. No doubt the leader would have removed them as soon as he had destroyed the man so utterly as to render him into a piece of meat.

His skin is so very cold and blue, like delicate marble. The snow is gently landing on his body and with no body heat it is covering some of the wounds, but not enough that you cannot see the extensive damage done.

This soldier did not have an easy death.

The man has lost all of his lower left arm, the stump is splintered and the marrow is missing from the very end. He is heavily bruised all over his body, and in at least one place you can see the white of his bones showing where they have broken and pierced his skin. They have hit him three times with their bullets, once in the thigh, once in his right side and once in the left shoulder.

You can't help but reach forward and touch his brown hair, which has fallen over his forehead, and you brush it back into place, blood has run through the hairline from damage to his skull, it makes the hair stiff in places. Bruising and blood covers his face, his lips are cracked and you can see he didn't die straight away. His death was slow and painful.

You want to cover him to give him back some dignity, so you struggle to take of your coat. As you move and start to cover him with it a trickle of blood slowly runs down from one of the bullet holes and into the snow. You stare at it and your heart lurches. You suddenly see the memory in your mind of the red trail left in the snow as they had dragged him into the camp.

You swear. The cold and your exhaustion have fooled you.

To be bleeding it means his heart must still be pumping blood around his body, barely - but it is trying.

The man is still alive.

You grab his wrist. You cannot see him breathing because it is so shallow, and you concentrate on the spot where you should find a pulse, nothing, but then think you find it, so very faint - but a pulse.

You swing around, Doctor Bethune has reached you and he sees the distress in your face.

"He's alive," you say, your voice no more than a whisper.

The two of you are in tune; the doctor turns and runs, and you know he is going for help and his bag.

You look back at the injured man and it jolts you, his eyes are open, glazed and you see the moment in them when he sees you, blue grey, beautiful, long lashes against the white of his skin. His lips move, they are so bloodless, dry and cracked, and you wonder how has this man survived.

He is trying to say something.

You pick up some snow and warm it in your hands and trickle it into his mouth.

"Ssshhh," you tell him, "help is coming." You speak to him in English; your father taught you well.

He tries to speak again and you bend nearer so you can hear.

He is saying a name.

"Steve..."

You glance at his dog tags, and although you can only see a small part of the information you don't think that that is his name.

"Don't try and talk," you say and your hands find his right hand and squeeze gently, realising too late that some of the fingers are broken.

He is focused on you and there is such a look in his eyes that you feel tears well, he is trying to tell you something.

"Please tell Steve...must…know where I am...not...fault." The words are mumbled; he does not have the strength to speak out loud and you do not hear them properly, you just hear the name Steve repeated.

"Shshh, try not to talk, you need to conserve your strength." You look back to see if the doctor is on his way; he isn't but two orderlies are running with a stretcher and you know he won't be far behind.

You turn back to the man, without knowing you are even doing it you kiss the back of his hand and then lay it gently by his side. You reach for his dog tags and rub the blood and snow from them.

His name is James.

He is still looking at you and you try to smile, to reassure him but he is so cold, his body has started to shiver now and you know before long it will start to convulse. You tuck the coat around him, you need to get him out of this weather and up off the cold ground.

"James..." the name feels strange on your lips, "...there is a doctor on his way...hold on, please, try to hold on."

He tries to smile, so sad and it breaks your heart, you thought you had gotten used to the dying but you haven't and you take hold of his hand again just as the others come running up to carry him to the tent and to what you think will be safety.

Just before he falls into unconsciousness he says the name ' _ _Steve'__ again and you wonder who this Steve is, and how important he must be to this man as it will probably be the last thing he ever says.


	3. Chapter 3 - The American

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Three : The American****

 ** **Part One - Steve Rogers****

Steve picks up a table and chair and stands them straight. Crocker's Folly - the English pub he found himself in and the one that had become their drinking house for the time they were posted here, hadn't received a direct hit, but it had been close enough that it had almost been destroyed. It would take a lot to get it back on its feet but for now it is quiet, deserted, and just what Steve needs.

He walks over to behind the bar. There are some bottles that have survived the blast and he picks up one of them, finds a glass, blows the dirt out and pours a drink - and because he is Steve Rogers he places some money on top of the cash register.

He moves to walk back to the table, but instead changes his mind. He pulls out some more money, adds it to the bit he has already paid and grabs the bottle and the glass and goes and sits down.

Okay so he can't get drunk - but he can damn well try.

"Dammit what a mess," he says, and he is not talking about the pub.

He closes his eyes. "To you Buck."

And he takes a drink. Tries to pretend that Bucky is there sat next to him as he was the last time they were in here.

He opens his eyes. They are full of unshed tears. How is he meant to do this? How does he go on without James Barnes? How does he stop himself from seeing him stretch out his hand and not being able to stop Bucky from falling? He can't. He sees terrible images of Bucky's body lost in the wilderness never to be found. He couldn't even bring him home for burial. He doesn't even know where his final resting place is.

His stomach clenches from the thought of never seeing Bucky again, and his hand closes around the glass so tight that if he hadn't realised he would have broken it. He puts the glass down, and for God knows how many more times he thinks of the last mission and the __if onlys__. It had happened in seconds, seconds that couldn't be changed.

They had talked about how one day they may not come back. He had argued over it with Bucky.

And then he remembered their last conversation.

"I don't wanna talk about it Steve," Bucky had grumbled.

"Why not?" Steve had asked innocently.

James Barnes had been so quiet that Steve didn't think he had heard him. He looked at his friend, only to find him staring back.

"Don't you think I know I've already lost you?" Bucky had said quietly.

Since Steve and Bucky had finally talked about what had happened with Zola, Bucky had been prone to fits of melancholy. Steve knows now why Bucky had thought he had lost him. James had been trying to push him away - not because he didn't love Steve, but because he thought Steve wanted Peggy.

"Buck..." Steve had started to say.

"Don't."

"We have to talk, I know why you think that, why you think I don't love you any more, I do, don't you understand?"

Bucky had gone to walk away, but Steve wouldn't let him.

"Buck, I like Peggy, I like her a lot, I can't explain it. But it's you I love."

"Yeah, Steve? And whose picture do you carry around with you huh? Mine or hers?"

Bucky had pushed him away and walked off, leaving Steve without any idea of what to do.

In the present, as he sits in the pub, Steve murmurs."Why didn't I tell you Buck, why didn't I put you right?"

He carries a photograph of Peggy in his compass. She means a lot to him, and if he had never known Bucky, if Bucky wasn't there, then yes - he thinks there may have been something. But James Barnes means so much to him.

 _ _Meant so much to him.__

"Oh Christ." The truth hits him again, Bucky isn't here, he's gone, he will never see him again.

Steve bows his head. "I should have told him...why didn't I tell him?"

James Barnes was wrong. Peggy's was not the only photograph that Steve carried around with him. When they made his Captain America suit, he had asked them to sew an inside pocket in over his left breast. They never knew why, and they never asked, but if anyone was to look in there they would find a picture of James Barnes.

If only he had told Bucky it was there, that this is how much James means to him. He keeps it close to his heart so James is always with him.

'Will always be with me, _ _'__ he murmurs, and takes another drink.

He hears a sound and glances around.

Peggy's British accent sounds through the pub. "I thought I might find you in here."

Steve sighs. "Doctor Erskine said that the serum wouldn't just affect my muscles, it would affect my cells. Create a protective system of regeneration and healing. Which means um...I can't get drunk. Did you know that?"

"Your metabolism burns four times faster than the average person. He thought it could be one of the side effects." Peggy knows everything about Project Rebirth, more than Steve himself. She knows that he can't even lose himself in the alcohol he is consuming.

She looks at him then sits down next to him.

"It wasn't your fault."

"Did you read the reports?"

She nods. "Yes."

"Then you know that's not true."

"You did everything you could. Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him?" Her voice demands an answer and Steve looks back at her. He doesn't need to reply, she can see it in his eyes, she can see how much he loved his friend.

"Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Barnes the dignity of his choice. He damn well must have thought you were worth it."

"I'm going after Schmidt. I'm not gonna stop until all of Hydra is dead or captured."

"You won't be alone."

They drink in silence, sharing the same glass.

Peggy knows she has to say something. Has to get it out in the open.

"I know about you and Barnes," she says quietly, looking at the table.

He glances at her. "About?"

"Steve, I may be British but I'm not blind. We do know about the world you know, even though we are this _ _tiny island in the middle of no where__ according to you Yanks." She tries to smile and leans towards him. "You loved James Barnes. You were more than friends." She studies him.

Steve tries to smile back but instead his eyes tear up.

"Its all right. Hey, come on cry if you want to, I'm a good listener."

He shakes his head and takes another drink. It is to soon, and he doesn't want to share Bucky with anyone, not yet.

"You know he came to see me?" Peggy asked, leaning back in her chair.

"What? When?"

"He never told you?" she asks, knowing the answer already.

"Just after that night I came to see you and we talked about going dancing."

She laughs. "He told me if I had any problems getting stockings, underwear, perfume, for my date with you then to let him know and he would arrange it."

"What! What did you say?"

"I told him not to be so damn impertinent."

Steve laughs, and shakes his head.

They are quiet for a moment.

"And he told me to make sure I got that dance." She reaches over, takes the glass from Steve's hand and drinks.

"Peggy..."

"Listen Steve, I'm not good with...knowing the right thing to say in situations like this. I'd rather clap you on the back and tell you you'll be all right but...I liked Bucky, and I could see he loved you and I didn't want to barge in on that. It was if he was giving me permission, thats how much he cared about you."

Steve looks at her.

"So, I'm going to get that dance from you but not until you're ready and then...then we can see what the future holds but lets just take it a bit at a time okay?"

She smiles and picks up the bottle, fills the glass then lifts it.

"To James Barnes," she says. She sips the drink then passes it to Steve.

He takes it and stares into the amber fluid then lifts the glass.

"To my friend. To Buck. I miss you pal."

He drinks down the liquid and they sit there for a while listening to the sounds out in the street, comfortable in each others company.

 ** **Part Two - The Nurse****

How can you have been so stupid to think he would be safe in the field hospital? He is an American for God sake. A foreigner in a strange country, they may be allies but he is still somewhere he shouldn't be.

The doctors do not know how he is still alive. He must have fallen a great distance and he should have been dead the minute he hit the ground. Every part of his body is broken, and the diagnosis is not good. Internal organs are pierced by the broken bones - splinters that are as long and wide as your fingers – and there is internal bleeding that should have killed him outright, bled him dry.

The worst damage is that to his left arm, which has also caused the most blood loss. You and Doctor Bethune work on it trying to make some sense of what is left. The lower part of his arm, the elbow and hand, have been literally torn off - but not by an explosion. It must have happened when he fell. You have both worked on many wounds like this, and you recognise the teeth marks of a wolf. It must have found him first and take advantage of the open wound and chewed at the flesh and bone making what was left worse.

How you wish you knew what had happened. How did he come to be in such a bad way? Where did he fall from, and how far? He has a piece of branch actually __embedded__ in his back, going almost all the way through - but just missing the spine thank God. If it had not stayed jammed in there, he would have bled to death. They had to be so careful when removing it.

So much bruising, so many broken ribs; two not just broken but torn apart. An actual bruise showing a footprint on his chest where someone had stamped on him. Splinters of wood, bullet holes, the fingers on his right hand broken, heavy bruising to his face, blood flecked eyes.

This man should not be alive - but he is.

They had taken him back to the recovery tent after removing the bullets, working on the stump of what is left of his arm and trying to straighten out some of the broken bones. You have been awake for an additional 12 hours. You had never gotten back to your tent. You didn't want to leave him, and you don't want to leave him now. There is something about him that is eating away at you, something that makes you feel sick when you look at him, something that makes your stomach drop and your heart race.

You do not recognise your own symptoms.

Doctor Bethune persuades you to change your clothes and have something to eat. He remains at the patient's bedside until you return. When you return you check on him, to make sure the drip is running, you find you can't understand how this patient is affecting you. You don't want to be apart from him. The thought of being away from him makes you panic. You look at him and you feel sick again; your heart starts to beat too fast and the thought of him dying takes your breath away and leaves nothing but a huge hole filled with pain. You sit down and take his hand and you are crying, quietly and softly so no one else can hear you.

You have never been in love before and you do not realise you are now.

For the next few days you sit by his bedside, convinced he will not make it. You don't want him to die alone, and that is your excuse, so you stay and eventually you fall asleep with your hand holding his.

Doctor Bethune, your friend and mentor, tries to get you to go back to your bunk but you won't go. He knows not to push you. He thinks you are close to having a nervous collapse. You are investing too much time in one patient, but the truth is you don't want to leave this vulnerable man. You are sure that if you leave him something awful will happen.

You know that the doctors are unsettled. For the past day a heat has been emanating from the young man's body as if something within him is at work. You keep cool water by his bedside and a cloth on his forehead and wrist to try and keep his temperature down. You are worried that the heat will be too much for his mind. From time to time he seems to be dreaming (or having nightmares) and he calls out the name ' _ _Steve'__ several times.

You try to keep him still so no stitches are pulled. You tell him gently to be calm. You tell him everything will be all right.

There is something about this man that has gotten to you and you don't realise you have already lost your heart to him. You don't know that eventually you will lose your whole life to him, and that he will become your whole world for what will seem like eternity.

You are so like your father in that way.

 **...**

 _ _Over the next few days, the doctors struggle to keep up with the patients injuries and each day they are amazed he is still holding on. They begin to talk amongst themselves - there is something wrong here, could it be something the Americans have been working on? There have been wild reports about a so-called 'Captain' in the American army who has become something of a legend over night, could this be him?__

 _ _But it can't be him, the Nurse tells Doctor Bethune. She points out his dog tags say he is a Sergeant, not a Captain.__

 _ _Darker things have been heard. Whispers of an organisation called Hydra, and the scientist Zola. The other doctors begin to fear for themselves. Should they report it? If they do will they be safe, or will they all be disposed off quietly whilst the American is made to disappear? In the end, several doctors decide they won't report his bodies remarkable ability to live despite the terrible life threatening injuries, but just let it be known a captured American soldier is in the camp. He will be taken away to be questioned eventually, let the authorities sort it out.__

 **...**

He comes around twice on the second day, barely conscious - as if struggling to keep his eyes open. Seeing you sat there, but looking beyond your shoulder. He is searching for someone else and you believe it must be the man called Steve. You wonder who this Steve is. He must mean a lot to this man. A twinge of jealousy runs through you and you don't know why, you must just be tired and out of sorts.

Your father is English and so you speak the Americans language. You try to talk to him, to reassure him but you know he is still a long way from taking anything in and you are not sure if he hears what you say before he closes his eyes again. You don't ask him any questions, he is to unfocused, you don't want to tire him.

Over the next few days they allow you stay with him. You clean him up, dress his wounds. The doctor tuts to see you there, but you will only leave him for minutes at a time, You sleep in a chair by his bedside, change his drip, wake him to take small amounts of water which he chokes down and then falls asleep again, murmuring words that frighten you.

He is weak and cannot stay conscious for long, but the doctors realise it will take a lot more than what has happened to kill this man. Even in the short time they have treated him his bones seem to begin to repair, his wounds appear to start to heal. They have never seen this happen before and you begin to worry at their fear and quietness when they examine him, remarking quietly again and again about the strange heat that emanates from him.

The doctor who has ties to the black market starts to take an interest in him. You do not trust this man. You remove James's dog tags and hide them, but you now know this will not keep him safe. There has already been a file created on him. He has already entered the system.

He starts to come around for short periods of time, and now when his eyes open he looks for you because you are always there. For a brief time he looks beyond you, still looking for his friend, but his eyes always return to you as there is never anyone there.

Doctor Bethune starts to believe this man will survive, but he shakes his head and says he doesn't know how. "Someone up there must like him," he jokes.

 **...**

 _ _Doctor Bethune goes back to his tent and, after taking a long swig of vodka he starts to alter the file kept on the American. He does not want either his name or the nurses to appear in it. He is trying to protect both of them. He has heard what the other doctors are saying - they cannot keep it quiet for much longer, and he knows she has not realised this. She thinks the American is safe because he is so badly injured. He cannot tell her he isn't because he knows if he did she would try and do something stupid.__

 **...**

You start talking to James, and he tries to focus on what you are saying. His replies don't make sense; you know he is in a great deal of pain, confused and you try to make sense of it - but you can't. You know from his dog tags what division he is with, there is even an 'indentation' of a howling wolf on the tags, but you have no one you can ask. You begin to realise you need to think about getting him out of here, but he is still so badly injured that to move him would be to kill him. What do you do? How can you get help? You have no money and there is nothing you have that the black market doctor would want.

Later these thoughts will come back to haunt you and will be with you for the rest of your life.

If only you had done something.

You will never believe the truth, that there is nothing you can do to protect this man.

 **...**

 _ _Three days later, they come for him. It is late in the afternoon - just as it is getting dark. There is one truck with six soldiers.__

 _ _Someone in the camp has reported the American soldier.__

 **...**

You hear the truck approach. You are in your tent. Doctor Bethune persuaded you to leave your only patient for a few minutes so you can change into clean clothes. At the sound of the engine, your heart drops to your stomach. You know it is not incoming wounded as you have not had a report of any fighting nearby.

As you run back to the recovery tent two of the soldiers are holding him between them, pulling him out of the tent. He is barely conscious. They have torn out the drips, and the doctor is arguing with them.

"No! Let him go! No!" You run up to them, try to get them to release him; but one of the soldiers takes your arm, hits you hard and flings you away. When you try to get up, he kicks you in the stomach and, frightened they are going to kill you, Doctor Bethune crouches down and holds you so you cannot move. You are weeping, begging them to let your patient go.

The last you see of James Barnes is when they manhandle him into the back of the truck, throwing him on the floor before getting in behind him. Doctor Bethune's grip is tight. He will not let you go.

Two days later you leave the field hospital, Doctor Bethune is the one sending you away.

 **...**

 _ _Doctor Bethune will also disappear when he can. He has not told her, but when they came for the American they took his files. He has seen this happen before and knows time is now running out for the both of them. He was glad he had changed the details on the files, they now carried the names of a different doctor and nurse.__

 _ _Doctor Bethune returns to his family and arranges for them to be smuggled out of the country.__

 _ _He never finds out who this American is, but he is important to someone. Later, he hears how in the field hospital the doctor involved with the black market and a nurse that helped him pilfer the medical supplies have been found shot in the forest. No one but Doctor Bethune knows why, it was their names he used to replace his own and the nurse, retribution he thinks, for the wrong they had done to the world.__

 _ _He keeps a diary and years later, close to his death he asks his son to keep his diaries safe and tells him about the American soldier and the nurse and swears him to secrecy. He doesn't know why he just knows someone should know the truth.__

 _ _He says a prayer for her and hopes she found peace.__

 **...**

You return to your parents, broken in spirit and in heart.

You begin work at the local hospital and under the floorboards of your bedroom you hide James' dog tags. You feel empty and you find it difficult to sleep. The days are long and you keep as busy as you can, trying not to think of him. How can someone you have known for such a short time affect you this way?

You say a prayer every night for James, but no one at the moment is listening.

The truth is that there is an evil growing in the world, getting stronger every day, and it will threaten to engulf everything you have ever known. You have already become a part of it and at this moment in time there is nothing and no one that can stop it.

Maybe in the future the world will find its champions and their names will include two that you have already heard - but until then there is nothing that can be done to stop it.

Hydra has its foothold, and that is all it needed.

 ** **Part Three - Bucky Barnes****

There is deep mind-numbing pain every time he comes around.

There is always someone with him. He is not alone.

But, there is no Steve.

The first time he comes around properly, he thinks he might be at home - albeit in hospital. He tries to ask the nurse for Steve, but her face reflects his disappointment and very soon he begins to realise although this is a hospital, it is not a proper one.

He has seen field camps before, taken men there to be sewn up, put back together or simply to be sent home for burial.

He can hear the wind whip around the material of the tent. Snow fall blocks out the light and makes the place seem so quiet, so hushed. All it is is a collection of tents out in the field, somewhere in Russia. How he got here he isn't sure. He has vague memories of a group of Russian soldiers, but he tries not to think of that - it makes him break out in a hot sweat and panic closes in around him.

The nurse bends over him, her uniform is so different to that of American nurses. She smiles and rests her hand on his.

"Try to drink some water." She offers him a beaker, helping him so he doesn't end up with it all down his hospital gown. Just moving slightly and drinking tires him out and makes him ache. His throat is sore and his ears hum.

The next time he remembers more. He thought he should be dead, if not by the fall then by the Russian soldiers' cruelty. How did he go from being shot to being here? He tries to ask but he can't formulate the words. He feels so tired all the time.

"Sshh, its all right, you need to try and sleep...I'll be here don't worry." The nurse takes his pulse, checks the drip then pulls the covers up to his shoulders.

He has to escape. He needs to get back home, but he can't move, his mind cannot formulate a plan, the pain is immense and he knows deep down that he is too broken to do anything.

He looks up. The canvas is totally dark; the light in the tent is coming from hurricane lamps. It must be night. He listens to the wind, and before he knows it he is asleep again.

 **...**

He doesn't know what wakes him.

He opens his eyes and guesses by the light trying to get through the canvas it is day. He doesn't know how long he has lain here - he just knows the pain is getting worse. The nurse who is always here is asleep, she is resting her head on her arms on the side of his bed. He doesn't want to disturb her.

He looks to the other side and feels like he has been punched in the gut, he keeps forgetting. All there is of his left arm slightly above the elbow is a stump, dressed in bandages - but he can visualise ugly stitches holding a flap of skin over the end.

Sweat breaks out on his forehead. __Jesus, don't think about it Barnes.__

But he feels he can't drag his gaze away, and he moves what is left of the arm, thinking it can't be his own - but it moves when he asks it to and he thinks he is going to scream.

His right hand clenches, sending pain through the fingers that are trying to mend. He feels so hot, as if something is inside him, almost burning him in places. He begins to think it has something to do with Zola. Ever since he returned from that laboratory he has not been right and has spent the time trying to hide it from everyone, everyone but Steve that is. What has Zola done to him?

Gulping, he turns his head away. C _ _oncentrate on something else, anything, anything.__

His eyes flit around the tent, and then back to the woman asleep by his side.

The nurse. She is always with him, she speaks to him, tells him to sleep. Her English is near perfect, and he is not sure if she is Russian or not. Her hands are always gentle, and he tries to ask her to help him, but he can't keep hold of any thought long enough for it to make sense. The heat overtakes his body and he becomes almost delirious, his thoughts are completely lost to him.

When she is talking to him, her eyes are always full of compassion. They are so large and blue. __Deeper than Steve's.__

 _ _Steve, help me. Please. You helped me before when I was lost - oh God. Is it too much to ask for another miracle?__

He feels something well up in his chest. His mind doesn't want to think of Steve again, it hurts too much.

He swallows, and concentrates on the nurse. She is asleep, barely breathing, quiet. Her hair looks so soft. Her fringe needs cutting and she has the longest plait he has ever seen. __That sounds like it should be a song,__ he thinks, crazily. The plait reaches down to her waist, and she usually has it looped up at the back - but it has come undone and is lying next to him. He moves his right hand to bring the plait closer to him without waking her.

Its as thick as his wrist - __my right one of course, I haven't got a left one any more.__

He feels hysteria bubble up. _ _Breathe...don't think...don't think.__

Pain hits him then, and he can barely catch his breath. He clenches his hand holding the braid. He needs to think of something to block the pain out. He doesn't want to think of home, of Steve, of anything.

He unclenches his fist.

He looks back at her hair.

The plait is so long. He begins to count the chevrons in it; they remind him of the Sergeant stripes on his old uniform. It takes him a while, and quite a few tries, because he keeps losing count. There are about 36 of them, give or take, so if each one is about an inch then it must be just over 35 inches long. God how much brushing must that take.

At the end of that he is exhausted and closes his eyes and breathes as deeply as he can. The pain starts to build again and he grits his teeth, the heat makes him sweat and he opens his eyes and takes hold of the plait again.

He sees it is bound at the bottom with string, and wincing, he pulls the band off. It seems to take forever to do such a simple thing and he has to stop as darkness threatens and sweat runs down his face.

 _ _Mustn't move too fast,__ he thinks grimly. __God it hurts.__

The hair becomes loose at the end. He loosens it more, so there is enough for him to run his fingers through. It's so soft, like sable. He remembers a teacher that he and Steve had at art college. He would not paint with anything but sable brushes. Bucky used to love sweeping the expensive soft sable hair over the palm of his hand, and Steve was always taking them off him, putting them back in the pot before the teacher saw.

 _ _Buck!__

He hears Steve's voice as if he is next to him.

His hand clenches for a moment as not only the memories but intense pain runs through his mind and body. Will he ever get back there? Will he ever see Steve again? Does Steve know where he is? There is so much for him to think about but with the pain he is in his brain doesn't want to think any further ahead than the next few minutes.

Another stupid thought shows itself; he normally shoots using his left hand - he is ambidextrous when it comes to weapons - but in the main he is right handed.

 _ _Lucky huh?__

 _ _Always falling back on your bad sense of humour Buck?__ __Never serious?__ He can hear his father's voice now running through his mind and that nearly breaks him.

 _ _Don't think about it, Barnes__.

He brings her hair closer, making sure he doesn't disturb her. If she wakes up, he is convinced she will leave and he doesn't want her to, he doesn't want to be alone. The colours in her hair are amazing: smoky, blonds, browns, even silver. How can anyone ever think hair is just one colour?

Out of no where comes an image of a grey wolf, the markings of its coat beautiful despite its being deadly. Yellow eyes watching him. He seems to remember it was a threat - a big one. __Greedy eyes looking to..__.

His mind skirts away from that thought.

He is suddenly so tired again. He closes his eyes for a moment but his hand still holds the plait, running his fingers through the softness. The deep pain that has been growing in his bones is intense. Without warning, it hits him full force and he groans and moves to sit up but instead his body curls around itself.

She is awake in an instant.

She is flustered she didn't mean to sleep.

He is clutching at what is left of his left arm, and she knows he is feeling phantom pain - despite there being nothing from the elbow down. She looks at the drip. It has run out, and therefore so has the morphine. She curses.

"Try and lie back, James." She tries to get him to uncurl, she doesn't want him to pull the drip out. She places her cool hand on his forehead and he allows her to bring him to lie straight.

"It hurts, God it hurts," he whimpers, not liking the sound of his own voice.

"I know, I know, I'm so sorry."

She turns to walk away from the bed, but he grabs her hand.

"Don't leave..." he was going to add the word __me,__ but he doesn't want to beg.

She clasps his hand with both of hers and looks at him, his beautiful eyes watching her, pleading with her.

"I'm won't, I promise. I'm just fetching another drip bottle, its just over there. I promise, I won't leave you."

Then she is walking to the other side of the tent. He can see her. She is not leaving. Within seconds she is back and is fiddling with the drip, changing the bottles over.

She then injects something into the bottle.

Moments later he feels a cool rush into his right arm as the liquid flows, and then some of the pain begins to recede.

He can breath again.

He keeps his eyes closed whilst he breathes in and out. The humming in his ears calms, and the pain becomes just about manageable again. He opens his eyes when he feels her take his wrist. She is checking his pulse, and she smiles down at him.

"Better?" she asks. He had thought she was English, but no, there is an accent there. She puts his hand back down.

Then something catches her eye and she frowns. Her hair is unravelling. How did that happen? She catches hold of the plait before it can unravel any further and, looking around, sees the string on the bed. She picks it up.

He watches her re-plait it and bind her hair back up. He wants to ask her what her name is, tell her what beautiful hair she has and ask her how long it took to grow that long but he is so tired, the morphine is doing its job and his eye's close as she sits back down.

Within seconds, he is fast asleep again.

There is shouting. Loud words he doesn't understand. Then hands are grabbing at him, pulling him from the bed, pain as the drip needle is pulled out. He tries to make sense of what is happening. He crashes into a table and nearly falls, but strong hands have him on both sides, on the left squeezing the stump and breaking the skin open again.

He is being dragged out of the tent. His mind is still a blur, but he knows he is in danger. He has no strength but he tries to fight back. It is pitiful.

The light blinds him and the cold hits him hard as he is dragged into the open and towards a truck. His bare feet scuffing the snow on the ground, they are going so fast he can't stop the momentum.

He hears the doctor shouting in Russian, and he realises it is soldiers dragging him along. He hasn't time to think. He tries to slow them down but a soldier hits him in the stomach with his rifle butt and that winds him.

He hears a woman and he knows it is the nurse. He tries to say "no!" as he sees them hit and push her away and then they are lifting him, throwing him into the back of the lorry onto the cold metal floor.

Before the back of the truck is put up, he sees the field hospital for the first time. Tents, a white flag flying with a red crescent sheltering a red cross, and the nurse kneeling on the ground being held there by one of the doctors but fighting to get away. She is sobbing. Then one of the soldiers hits him on the back of the head with the rifle butt and everything goes dark.

 **...**

Hours later the cold has sunk through to his very marrow. He is still lying on the floor of the truck. He only has on the hospital gown he was wearing when they took him. His feet are tied, rope binds the top of his arms backwards, and it is so tight it is stopping his circulation. He feels he has no hands at all.

There is a hood over his face. The material stinks and he realises he has been sick, just bile and water as there is nothing else in his stomach.

No one has moved him, his joints are stiff, his muscles seized. In the middle of his back a weight, someone has their foot pressed down so he cannot move. He feels nauseous, his body hurts, his ears hum. He can hear voices murmuring and feels the vehicle they are in coming to a halt. The weight disappears and hands pull him up, the voices full of disgust, he passes out.

Next time he regains consciousness he is in the dark, still bound, still hooded, still cold. He is tied to a chair. He tries to call out but he has no voice, his mouth is dry and tastes of vomit. He senses he is alone.

Then total darkness again as he passes out.

Someone is shaking him and then suddenly he is drenched in cold freezing water. He is no longer wearing the hood but he is still tied to the chair. He splutters and opens his eyes. Pain everywhere. The gown is now sodden.

He looks up. There are two guards ahead of him, and another man sat on a similar chair opposite him, smoking. The room is sparse, filthy, blood on the floor and the walls - old blood, and the pit of his stomach falls.

Interrogation.

He swallows, he is so thirsty and he knows already he is weak and injured. Inside he prays.

 _ _Don't let me tell them anything, please God help me.__

The man sits there staring through the cigarette smoke at him. Bucky wishes he could crack a joke, be cool, do something so this man cannot see the terror he is feeling. A wild thought goes through his mind, __Steve and the others crashing through the door to save him, Steve in his Captain America uniform, red white and blue, they have found him, finally__ and although he doesn't realise it he lets out a sob.

It will never happen.

He breathes in, telling himself not to let them see him cowed. He tries to sit up as straight as he can and pain lances through his chest, his broken ribs that were healing so well aren't healing any more and he has two more to join them.

The man seems to enjoy seeing him in pain. He smiles.

"Water?" Bucky asks, his voice hardly making any sound, he tries so hard to put confidence in his request.

The man actually turns to the soldiers and nods. The two of them walk forward with a bucket grinning. Instead of offering him water, one holds the bucket whilst the other one grabs Bucky's hair and tries to drown him in it. He comes back up spluttering and desperately trying to breathe, gulping in air.

"Not enough for you?" the man asks in accented English, nodding to the soldiers. They repeat the dunking. This time when they bring his head back up he has blacked out.

The man throws the butt of his cigarette on the floor, gets up, leaves the room. The two soldiers return to their post at the door leaving Bucky, soaked and unconscious tied to the chair.

Over the next few days the only thing he tells them is his rank, name and serial number - which is what they were expecting. What they want to know is what an American is doing so far behind their lines? Normal interrogation procedures are followed but it is obvious they are not going to get the information they want. Feelers are put out to see if anything can be found, but the Camp Commander is amazed when nothing comes back: no file on the man, no covert operation known, nothing.

He begins to feel uneasy.

What they don't realise is how close Bucky is to breaking. He is a mess. His throat is so sore from screaming he cannot talk any more. He mumbles his name, rank and serial number. He can barely swallow, bruising on his throat shows where they have throttled him. He doesn't think he has eaten in days, it could be weeks, not that he could even keep food down. He doesn't know how long he has been here or how long he was in the hospital field camp. He doesn't even know if it is night or day.

His left stump is infected. Three four inch nails have been driven up into the end, one into the very marrow of the bone itself, it is now weeping pus and blood. His right arm is broken, more fingers on his right hand broken and all the nails missing.

His rib cage isn't just broken, it is out of alignment - courtesy of the sever beatings from the guards. One of the broken ribs is very close to being pushed into his heart. Even for Bucky, in the state he is in, it would be instant death. When he wouldn't do what they said they drove a knife between the separate ribs and forced them apart, and every time he breathes it is agony.

One knee is smashed. One foot lacerated and the toes crushed, most of his toe nails missing. His face so badly swollen even Steve wouldn't recognise him. His nose is broken, smashed into his face. His left cheekbone broken, his eyes bloodshot, one closed and infected with a chance of him losing it.

He is naked. Cigarette burns where they can hurt the most, in the most delicate places. His scrotum swollen, his genitals covered in the small round burns causing the swellings, some now cracked open and bleeding.

They shaved his head. They cut the hair out in clumps and then shaved it with a sharp knife and water, gashes have bled and spilt the skin. In one place you can see under the dried blood to the white of his skull. Bruising makes you think he has various tattoos but it is just where he has continually been beaten and couldn't protect his head.

God alone knows the damage inside his body.

He lays on the concrete floor, shivering and naked. In his mind he is concentrating, concentrating so very hard on that plait, the hair wound up in it, the colours, he can almost feel the softness again. The way the nurse chased it around to get hold of it and then re-plaited it, tying it back up. He had started by trying to think of Steve and of home, his parents, his brothers, but those memories hurt more than the pain of his body and his mind keeps skirting away from them. He can't even see their faces any more.

To Bucky though the worst of the treatment is what the guards do to him after the sessions. The guards have been using him for their own pleasure. 'Takiye dovol'no amerikanskiy mal'chik '- __Such a pretty American boy.__

They had brought a cot in after the first day, five of them. He could barely fight but he tried. They held him down, pushing his face into the material of the dirty mattress so his screams could not be heard. They raped him one by one.

He has no chance against them, but every single time he fights. When he tries to move they can hear the broken bones in his body grating as he tries to keep them away. Some of the other guards like to watch, their hands down their trousers as they enjoy watching the American being mauled and sodomised.

The interrogator also likes to sit and watch, always smoking, always ready to listen if Bucky finally decides he wants to talk. Always ready to hand over a lit cigarette so the guards can add more burns.

One guard wants more, he wants the Americans mouth but he knows he will bite. He will show the American just what they think of him and his countrymen. So instead he gets the others to hold Bucky down, and masturbates over him. 'Eto to, chto my dumayem o vas, amerikantsev' - __That is what we think of you Americans,__ he says laughing as he spills himself.

Bucky prays he will die. Prays for an end. But Zola has even taken that choice away from him. The Russians are aware of the heat emanating from him but have put it down to infections rife in his body.

All the while Zola's formula races through his body, slowly trying to repair the damage done - but it is just not powerful enough. Instead it is just keeping his nerve endings raw, keeping it so he feels everything.

Then one day, when the door opens, it is not the guards but three men and the Camp Commander. One of the men is KGB and the Commander is nervous. Why are they taking such an interest in this man? Who are the other two men?

Bucky is too far gone to notice any difference.

The two men cover their noses. The smell in the room is making them feel sick and the poor wretch at their feet cannot be who they think it is. One man looks at the prisoner. He cannot recognise any features and looks again at the photo in his hand.

"Are you sure?" he questions.

The Commander nods, embarrassed. If he had known they were coming, he would have cleaned the prisoner up. He goes back to the door and tells the guards to fetch some buckets of water. When they come back they throw the freezing water over the prone man. He groans and tries to move but can't.

The KGB man walks forward and using his foot shoves Bucky over onto his back. One of the other men joins him. The second man was reluctant to step forward but when he does, that is when he feels the intense heat radiating from Bucky's body. It could be infection but at that temperature it could be Zola's serum trying to work its magic.

At the end of the day, anyone who has suffered as much as this poor soul has would be dead. And he is still alive.

The other man nods.

"We'll take him..." he says. "Can you…clean him up a bit and dress him in something?" He then signals to leave the room before he is sick.

Even if it isn't their man, at least he has saved the poor wretch from any further pain. They will have him shot through the head and buried quietly when they get back to their facility.

The Commander tries to find out more information. Where are they taking him? Why are they interested in him? But his visitors are tight-lipped. The KGB officer leans in close to the man and tells him he should know better than to ask questions.

The guards are disappointed to have lost their plaything. A lottery had been held, the winner being the one who would put the American out of his misery. They all have their different methods, cruel, sick. The guard who won was going to use a heated bayonet still attached to his rifle, he spent several nights dreaming about it.

If the men had come two days later, Bucky would have been dead.

That night, after dark, the facility Bucky Barnes was held and interrogated in, is razed to the ground, including the loss of all lives: those of the guards, interrogators and the Commander. It is reported as a unfortunate accident, and no investigation is held, all mention of its existence is expunged from the records; something that occurs in Russia with amazing frequency.

The ground is cleared and a new set of buildings built on top. No one from the camp is missed. Their families are told not to ask questions. They wouldn't have anyway. They value their own lives too much.

 **...**

A few weeks later, in the forested area where the hospital field camp lay six miles to the south, a Soviet patrol is walking through the forest. It is eerily quiet and the leader is feeling as if they are the last people alive on the planet.

He and his men soon find out why it is so quiet as they walk straight into an ambush. The men who ambush them wear uniforms they have never seen before, black with some kind of red tentacled monster on the sleeve. They make no noise as they go about their mission.

All of the patrol are killed and those that do not have their features already torn apart by bullets are finished off with a shot to the face.

Ironic really, when you think about it.

Their corpses are stripped, and everything that belonged to them is burnt. Nothing is taken. The bodies are sliced open and left in the cold. There is no need to obliterate the remains, the pack of wolves following in the wake of the slaughter will do that.

Hydra now believes the last link to the fall of James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes has been destroyed.

They believe nothing remains.


	4. Chapter 4 - the Little Girl

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Four - The Nurse - The Little Girl****

 ** **Russia 1919 – 1944****

On a visit to Russia in 1919, an English man named Arthur Bowman fell in love with Anna Alkaev's beauty and grace, not knowing that they hid a terrible insanity which ran in her family. Once he learnt the truth it was too late.

He was in love, and would die for her.

Anna's parents had died, leaving her alone. She had no siblings, no money, no prospects. She had been in need of a knight, and one came along and won her heart.

Arthur married Anna, and stayed to live and work in Russia. He obtained a job teaching languages - mainly English - at the local academy whilst she, well...she was too delicate to work. Anna had been brought up in a well-educated rich family, and had forgotten many things - but not that she was once able to afford luxuries. Arthur was not rich, but thanks to a small inheritance, they were not poor either. They got by, and could afford a few more luxuries than most could.

When they had been married for four years, Anna fell pregnant. The baby was not planned and the pregnancy nearly killed her. When Arthur was asked to consider who should die, the mother or the child there was no hesitancy in his answer. The mother must live.

Fortunately that call did not have to be made, and on the 10th of March 1920 they had a little baby girl. Both mother and daughter survived, but it was the start of a terrible depression for Anna, one she never got over.

One that she always blamed on the baby girl.

There would be no more children.

For the first few years, Arthur was able to afford a part time nanny - but this did not continue. He could not find one that was willing to put up with Anna's dark moods and in the end they were left to look after their child themselves.

 **...**

When she is five years old, the little girl begins to realise her mother is not like the other children's'. Her mother is delicate, both in mind and body, and her husband worships her.

The little girl is taught how to look after herself. Her father tries to do as much as he can, and on days when her mother is well it is almost like being part of a family - __almost__.

Her mother is prone to fits of unreality.

One really cold day in winter, her mother takes her into the town; she wants a new outfit for her daughter. The little girl stands shyly in the tailors whilst her mother looks over the dresses she is being shown, but none will do.

"They are all to heavy," her mother sighs as the shop keeper brings a new rail of children's dresses through to the main part of the shop for her to look at. He has a supply kept in the back for the clientèle that can afford that little extra. Anna has taken the family's food money, but does not realise it - at the moment her mind is elsewhere in time.

"Let me see that one," she says, pointing to a beautiful summer dress.

"Sorry, Madame, I did not realise you were looking for one for the summer." The shop keeper apologises and, without any delay, the little girl is despatched into the dressing room with the female shop assistant to be changed into the dress.

When she comes out, her mother exclaims at how beautiful she looks and says she will take the dress. The shop assistant goes to usher the little girl into the back to change, but Anna stops her. "She will wear it now."

"But...the weather, it is far to cold!" the shop assistant tries to argue, but Anna will not hear of it. She bundles together her daughter's old dress and coat and gives it to the assistant, telling her to get rid of them. She pays and walks out holding the little girl's hand.

The cold wind hits the little girl straight away, and she gasps at how it takes her breath away.

As she is pulled through the town, people stop to stare at the mother leading her child in the snow and cold wearing only a short sleeved dress. The little girl's teeth can't stop chattering.

She tries to tell her mother. "Mamma I'm so cold." But her mother's mind is elsewhere. She is not being intentionally cruel to her daughter. She is just a little __touched,__ and believes she is walking out on a summers day with her beautiful child. Her own warm attire keeps the truth of the real weather from her already fragile mind. A local woman stops Anna and starts shouting at her at how she is mistreating her child, at how she is not fit to be a mother. Upset now, and totally unaware of what the woman means, Anna hurries home, tugging the little girl who is desperately trying to keep up without falling over.

Anna leads her daughter into the house and then leaves her in the kitchen, shuts the door, and forgets her. She rushes to her bedroom to cry. By the time Arthur comes home she will be in such a fit of depression that she will not come out for days.

The little girl sits on a stool waiting for her father to come home. She dare not change into warmer clothes. She always does what her mother wants.

Arthur comes home to a cold, dark house, a daughter so cold she is nearly blue, and a crying wife, and he does not know how much longer he can cope.

He ushers the little girl into her bedroom and tells her to change; gets a fire going in the kitchen and sees to his wife. Two hours later he guilty remembers the little girl and calls her down to eat some soup. She is quiet and looks at her father with big wide eyes. He knows he is lucky she is stronger in health than her mother; thankfully, she does not go down with pneumonia.

Whatever it is that is wrong, the little girl believes she is the cause of it. Her parents are teaching her the art of guilt well.

Less than a year ago, she had tried to help her mother by cutting her own hair shorter, because her mother had been cross with her over the amount of time it took every morning to brush it ready for school. But one look at what she had done, and her mother had screamed at her; hit her across the face, and then wept. The little girl had sat on the floor where she had fallen, frightened, not knowing what she had done so wrong to cause this. Her father had rushed in from the other room and had told her off; told her she had made her mother ill.

When she told her father what she had done, he dragged her to apologise to her mother, and her mother made her promise she would never cut her hair again.

"You will be the death of me," her mother had wept, "I try to love you but you are so bad, so naughty, how can you do this to me?"

The little girl has never forgotten the trouble she caused, and tries never again to do anything to upset her mother and father. She is obedient, and tries to be a good child in every way she can. She so desperately wants her parents to love her the way she can see they love each other.

But the next day, her father receives a message to say he needs to come to the school. His little girl has been fighting. She does not tell him that it is because the other girls were teasing her, because their mothers have told them about her being made to walk home in the snow. Children are cruel. Arthur has a talk with his daughter and berates her for her misbehaviour. He doesn't ask her why she was fighting - not because he doesn't care, but because he doesn't think to ask.

At the age of six he teaches her to cook the family meal after school every day.

He has to.

The little girl had arrived home after school and found her mother incapacitated. Hungry, she had tried to cook the meal herself. Arthur had come home to a meal so bad he could not eat it; raw carrots and burnt mince meat. She had tried her best. He teaches her some basic meals, and when Anna is indisposed the little girl comes home, starts the fire and cooks the meals, cleans and washes up afterwards.

Six months later he adds cleaning to her duties - then following that, washing and ironing. She begins to fall asleep in class and the teachers are forever telling her she is bad, telling the headmaster that she shouldn't be allowed to be with the other children. No one at school sees the burns she suffers, or the bruises from when Anna has told her off.

The little girl knows that no one would care.

At the age of six, this poor child has the weight of the world on her shoulders.

At the age of seven she is banned from school for fighting again. She has hit and bloodied a boy twice her size who called her mother a __gagara__ \- a loon. A message is sent to her father and he is asked to come and fetch her. He is so angry he shouts at her. __Doesn't she know he has enough problems? Why must she always add to them?__ He tries to argue with the headmaster, but he says he will not have her in the school any more. He will use any excuse to get this child out of his school - with a mother like hers no imagining what she has inherited, what she could do to the other children. "I have to think of them," he tells Arthur.

And of course, the headmaster is thinking of his scores with the Commissariat for Education. He doesn't want anything to hold his grades back or show the school in a bad light.

She follows her father home, trailing behind him, desperately wanting to take his hand. He stops and reaches for hers. She reaches up and takes his, feeling his fingers curl around hers and she tries to hold on tightly - but it is simply to walk her across the busy road and once across he lets go of her. She is alone again. When asked by her father why she hit the boy, she says nothing. She knows how much it would hurt him to hear what the boy said.

She is an intensely loyal child, especially to her parents. They are all she has.

 **...**

Arthur has started drinking.

His hours at the academy are reduced, and he starts to take in private pupils to make up the difference in wage.

He home tutors his daughter. She already speaks English as well as her father does. He teaches her more languages just the basics, not in-depth like English - but enough to get by on. He also continues teaching her mathematics, rudimentary geography and history. She is a good pupil, enjoys this rare time she has alone with her father. To see him passionate about something that means a lot to him. When he is teaching her he almost seems to forget the worries of the world and becomes a kinder, more attentive man.

Until her mother finds out, and then the lessons are reduced, Arthur, for once, though thinks of his daughter and continues them when he can and in secret, creating a silent bond between them.

He allows her to read the books in his study and every so often a package will arrive from fellow bibliophiles of his, containing literature from other countries. These she finds fascinating and he will sit with her and show her what has been sent. She starts to learn of other cultures and the outside world although her knowledge is restricted mostly to fiction.

His little girl grows up quickly and continues to run the household. They both care for her mother, who is getting progressively worse. Anna has moments of violence towards the girl, becomes insanely jealous as the girl gets older, accuses them of plotting behind her back, of wanting to get rid of her.

Arthur is devastated; he loves his wife more than life itself. How can she think such things? But sometimes it is all he can do to drag Anna away from her beating their daughter, to shut her away and try to pick up the pieces.

Yet there are times now that the young girl can appease her mother, calm her. It makes no sense and so they learn to take one day at a time.

 **...**

When the girl turns 16, she is feeling totally isolated from the world. Without friends. Without worth.

Her father and mother have each other, and she has no one.

 **...**

On her way home from the shops she sees a poster. A young Soviet woman in white with a red cross on her bag, serving her country. It gives her an idea. She speaks to her father about training to become a nurse at the local hospital, with the thought of being able to look after her mother.

He agrees it is a good idea. She is accepted. The hospital finds her to be hard working, intelligent, compassionate. She has no problem with the work, studies hard, passes her exams.

But, when her training is complete, nurses are needed for the war. So instead, she finds herself volunteering for duty at the front in the field camps.

Anything to escape her home, the house, her parents.

Feeling guilty, she leaves, never knowing exactly where she will be or if she will be back - but the money she gets is sent home to her father. She writes them letters but never receives anything back. She knows her father is busy.

At the age of 24 she falls in love with an American who is brought into the field camp where she is working. She does not even realise at first how much he means to her until, like everything else she has ever known, he is snatched away from her.

She tried desperately not to fall for him, but from the first moment she first saw him she lost her heart.

In that way she is so very much like her father.

She cannot protect the American. He is taken. She has let him down. She is sent home where there is no help for her oncoming depression. She has come full circle. She is back with her parents in a house full of love, but there is none spare for her.

She could not care for the one person who in such a short time became everything to her.

She cannot escape being alone.


	5. Chapter 5 - The Prisoner

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Five - James Barnes - The Prisoner****

When he arrives at the facility, the first thing they do are his blood works.

They confirmed he was indeed James Buchanan Barnes, and that Arnim Zola's serum is mixed in with his blood, it is the life force that is just about keeping him alive. But, for the first few weeks, they are not sure if his injuries are too much for even Zola's serum to work on. After all, the batch in his blood stream had been far from perfect.

It took time to heal, and the amount of formula in his blood stream was not strong enough to do all its work; neither was it correct. It had still been very much in the testing stage when he had been rescued from them before, and was nowhere near complete.

Even now, they are still no closer to finding a perfect batch.

The perfect serum.

And when it comes to the serum, Armin Zola is looking in a completely different direction to the one Abraham Erskine considered and perfected. As a result James's injuries take a longer time to heal; and then, when they do, the serum has not worked as it should. He is left with scarring to remind him of what he has been through, as well as chronic pain in his joints and bones. Zola's formula also burns at such a rate that James's body is prone to high temperatures that cause terrible headaches and migraines. The formula repairs some areas, but causes more problems in others. Bones do not grow back properly, too much marrow floods areas or does not grow at all. Skin lesions and rashes appear, accompanied by terrible itching that drives him insane. Bones have to be re-broken and reset.

And pain. There is always pain.

The doctors are excited about the research and being able to carry on with Zola's work (albeit with American money paying for it this time), but they are sensitive souls and have no wish to hear about what this man is going through. Their brains rule him out as a human being. He is an experiment, and that is all. He is presumed dead by everyone he knows. No-one will come looking for him. When he is out of sight his injuries are out of mind, and the doctors plan and look forward to the next phase of whatever they dream up for him. The latest batch, the latest trials.

They will leave the caring side to the nursing staff they have employed.

The doctors are __oh so gracious__ and agree not to begin the new experimentation straight away. They give him at least a month to get over his present injuries - kind souls that they are. They are not ones for psychology, so they prod and poke and repair areas they can see but his mind they leave alone for now. That will need breaking - but they will think about that at a later date.

 _ _Keep him sedated__ , they think, he can sleep through it all. They do not hear his groans or see the agony he goes through. Even the doctor who 'rescued' him from the interrogation camp soon forgets what this poor man has already had done to him. What they are working towards is for the good of mankind, and it is in the name of research for a better future and will benefit all of mankind.

What is one soul against millions?

They do increase the amount of morphine the nurses are allowed to give him, not knowing that the morphine never reaches the patient it is intended for. He doesn't sleep through it. The sedative used is nowhere near strong enough to combat the weak serum in his blood stream. They may as well have given him nothing.

James knows he has been moved from the interrogation camp, and for the first few weeks he is barely conscious - but enough to know something is happening to him.

 **...**

The first time he comes around for more than just a few minutes, he finds himself alone. He is in what appears to be a room with a medical bed set up for him. He feels so hot: the room is airless, and there are no windows, just walls with faded paint and stains. A door stands open and overhead lights buzz.

He is so thirsty. He is attached to a drip on his right side, but the bag is empty. He can see a jug on the table next to the bed, but that too is empty. A dirty cup lies on its side next to bits of tape and empty syringes.

He tries to call out; his voice is weak and there is no one about so he attempts to sit up. At first he tries to use both his arms, forgetting that he has nothing on the left side that can support him. His left arm falls short and seeing just the stub bound in dirty, once white, bandages makes him feel queasy and he is forced to lay down again.

After a few minutes the dizziness abates and he opens his eyes again.

He berates himself. _ _Come on Barnes.__ He is a soldier, and soldiers fight. They are not supposed to feel pain or fear. He should be able to do this, it is expected of him.

Soldiers are human beings with the same thoughts and feelings as everyone else. They know fear and pain, but they are told they are not allowed to feel it. When James does feel the gut wrenching fear, shame should not be attached to it but it is.

He struggles to pull himself together, to be the soldier people want him to be. To clamp down on the fear in his bowels, stopping it before it makes its way to his stomach. Before it freezes him into immobility. It takes a while, but eventually he is able to sit up and move to the side of the bed with his feet touching the floor. His head is muggy, dizzy and his ears hum. He can hear vague sounds from outside the open door leading to what appears to be a corridor.

He pulls out the needle to detach himself from the empty drip. Blood from his arm drips to the floor. His gut feeling tells him he is not home. He needs to see what is going on. Without thinking he runs his hand over his scalp expecting to feel hair but of course there is only a short bristle where it is just starting to grow back. He swallows.

Someone should have been with him, a nurse, a guard - anyone - but he is alone. He gets as far as the doorway and looks out down the corridor. His sight is still fuzzy and his head hurts; he clings to the door frame. The concrete floor is cold on his feet. He looks down; his feet are grubby. His whole body is dirty, blood stained, and the gown he is wearing is filthy, yellowed.

On the wall just to his right, there is a giant red drawing that he feels he should know; it makes his stomach turn. But he can't concentrate on it. The wall keeps going in and out of focus. He swallows and then turns to look down the left side of the corridor. Nothing. The corridor eventually hits a T-junction, and turning, he can hear sounds of people talking. They are a long way off.

It is not the same to the right. Instead, the corridor seems to curve around. There are more voices and the people sound nearer. He wants to call out for help - his legs are turning to jelly - but he feels such a sense of fear deep in his gut.

He needs to know what is happening, and he needs to know now.

Using the wall, he begins to edge slowly along, keeping to his right hand side. It feels like it takes him forever; the corridor elongates and dizziness makes him blink to try and clear his vision.

Just a few feet more, and he will be able to see around the curve.

His body hurts. Every part of him aches. He has pulled some of the stitches holding him together, and he is beginning to bleed through the hospital gown he has on. His ears are buzzing louder and he knows he has bitten off more than he can chew. He has started to sweat and he can smell the stale odour of his own body.

He falls to his knees just as he sees what is ahead. At first it doesn't register.

There are metal bars which stretch from wall to wall, floor to ceiling, inset into them is a locked gate. Like in a prison. A desk and three guards are this side of the corridor; they are stood talking. One of those guards is supposed to be on duty outside the American's room. A fourth person, whom James assumes is a female nurse in a light khaki uniform, is perched on the desk sharing a cigarette with them.

They don't see him at first.

The guard's uniforms seem familiar but he can't think where from, he can't place them in his memory. They are dark with red patches on the sleeve, but he is too far away to see the patches clearly, and he is in too bad a state to realise. He doesn't recognise their language, and a deep well of fear opens up in this stomach making him tremble.

 _ _Oh God, Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore,__ runs crazily through his mind.

The nurse looks up and see him.

"Der'mo! - __shit!__ " She hastily stubs the cigarette out in the ashtray on the desk and stands up.

The guards look down the corridor and see the American on his knees leant against the wall.

Break time is over.

"Kak, chert voz'mi? - __How the hell?__ " one guard starts to say as the other two take out batons from their belts. James can see they are not friendly, but he has used the last of his strength. As they come towards him he blinks and sees the red patches, the same design as on the wall.

The design swims into sight and he recognises it. How could he ever have forgotten it?

"Oh no..." He mumbles. "No please God no."

 ** **HYDRA.****

He tries to get up but his legs won't hold him. Tries to crawl away. Looks back down the corridor as the guards advance.

"Help me…please someone help me." His voice barely makes a sound. He sobs and starts to try and pull himself back to the room, to get up, to get away from them - but he can barely move and they are upon him in seconds.

He has no where to go, and they can see he has nothing left in him. He is grey, sweating heavily, barely conscious but that does not stop the two with electric batons.

The first one switches on his baton, and James hears a loud buzzing noise then feels the stick as it is rammed into his back. A bolt of electricity hits him, making his whole body jump. The pain is terrible and the guard leaves it in place so it burns through the gown and through his skin. The second guard touches his baton to James's chest, searing the skin, making his heart pound with the electric shock that runs through his body.

They are yelling at him in Russian, but he has no idea what they are saying. He tries to push into the wall to get away from the batons, but he can't. The electric shocks have made him wet himself and that makes the guards angrier but before they can jab him again the third guard stops them.

The three of them seem to argue, and then the first two guards back off.

The other guard, Eduard Marinov, crouches down and James reaches out to him before the darkness closes in.

"Please help me," James' voice is so quiet, so desperate.

But the guard does not speak English, and does not know what James has asked.

He makes no further move, and watches as James's eyes flutter and close and he slips into unconsciousness, his body slumping completely to the floor.

He looks from the comatose man, to the nurse, and the other two guards. He speaks to them harshly. There was no need for them to have used the batons, the American is broken enough. He hates this place sometimes; some of the guards employed are dregs, ex-cons from the Gulags. This is supposed to be a military installation, Hydra is supposed to be for the good of mankind. __Somewhere,__ he thinks, __someone is lying.__

But he has learnt to keep his thoughts to himself.

They get the American back to his room, but not before someone else has seen what has happened and reported it. One of the doctors comes into the room, concerned that the prisoner may have escaped.

There was no chance that James could have gotten any further than he had. It is a wonder he got that far.

Both the nursing staff and the guards are hauled over the coals. From now on there will be a guard permanently outside the room, two down the corridor, and the patient will be kept sedated at all times.

The next few days are a blur for James, but he begins to regain consciousness for longer periods. He starts to recognise some of the doctors from when Zola previously had him prisoner, and it puts the fear of God into him. He remembers the red abomination on the walls, and on the guard's uniforms.

Hydra.

He has come full circle. They have him back.

 **...**

James doesn't know how much time goes by. Each day is as bad as the previous one - if not worse. Months go by in the hell hole. He tries to think of ways to escape, but the sedation and the pain weakens him.

The experiments cause him nausea, loss of control of his body; sometimes he feels he is out of it for weeks, he can't keep up with time.

Escape is no good. It is just not an option.

Death, then.

Twice he attempts suicide. Both times he is thwarted. He doesn't yet realise that it will take a lot to kill his body, more than he can do. That his attempts will be in vain.

The first time he uses a pair of scissors one of the nurses left in the room. He manages to open his right arm up, from wrist to elbow, but he is caught before he can do any more damage. It had taken him over an hour to do it with only one hand and using his mouth, but they found him almost straight away.

It takes a long time for the wound to heal because of the nature of the care he is receiving, and without the benefit of morphine. It frustrates the doctors. During the time it takes to heal, his hand is useless; he has damaged the nerves and muscle. They have to wait for Zola's serum to catch up and repair the damage. Even then it leaves scarring when it shouldn't.

His arm is still heavily bandaged when he tries again.

The second time he secures one of the batons. One of the orderlies had left it on the side in his room, and he manages to hide it in the bed clothes and waits for them to leave. He uses his teeth to pull the bandaging from his arm, works at pulling the stitches apart; he begins bleeding again.

Then, before he loses all the feeling in his arm, he switches the baton on and, taking a deep breath, he rams it into his abdomen. He pushes it until it burns a hole through to his stomach lining and then further, holding it there by curling round it and trying to hold it in place with his injured arm.

The pain is unbelievable but he wants to die.

He is so desperate.

The guards are alerted by the burning smell. Part of the bedding and the gown he is wearing is smouldering. They find him curled around the baton; it is set at its highest setting. He has a sheet stuffed in his mouth so they don't hear him screaming. Blood is dripping from his arm through the bed. Some of it has actually boiled on the baton and the smell is indescribable.

Two of the guards leave the room to vomit. How desperate is the American to have done this to himself?

He is on the operating table for six hours. The doctors are furious. If it wasn't for Zola's serum the burns would have been so bad he would have died.

His punishment: he is strapped to the bed by heavy leather belts. Two across his legs. Another one holds his right wrist. One goes across both shoulders. The straps are fixed the entire time he is in bed.

The nurses and orderlies that were supposed to be on duty at that time disappear and are replaced by more dregs from the Gulag.

It doesn't take long for the new staff long to find out what the situation is.

They realise that as long as this patient is accessible to the doctors, then that is all that matters. The doctors will not check on him, they will not ensure he is getting the proper care. They will not concern themselves with what happens to their patient once he is out of their sight. It has to be made clear to the American that the nursing staff will not put up with any more attempts from him to do either harm to himself, or try to escape.

He will be taught that lesson.

James is taken to a storage room one night. They throw him into the back wall, he is wearing just a hospital gown. His body is still broken, the burns barely healed, his arm still stitched and puffy.

There are six of them with batons. He does not know what is going on; he was sleeping when suddenly they pulled him from the bed and into this room. They are jeering at him, prodding him with the batons, burning him, beating him.

"Stop! Please stop!" He tries to keep them away, tries to stop them from jabbing him, but he is heavily sedated; the electric shocks make him wet himself, the floor becomes wet and he goes down. They kick and hit him using the batons as clubs as he tries to curl in on himself. They know their treatment will not kill him now, they know the doctors do not care what happens outside of the main room; he is theirs.

But, they are interrupted. The door to the room opens and the older guard, Eduard Marinov, walks in with two other guards by his side. One of the other orderlies that works there - Stefan Yegorov - has asked him to help the American.

The nurses and orderlies look at the guards, batons still raised in their hands. The patient is prone against the back wall, bleeding, shivering, barely conscious.

"If you do not get him cleaned up and back to his room within ten minutes I will see to it that all of you are replaced. And you know what that means," Marinov growls, sickened by what he is seeing.

The men and women lower their hands, disgruntled that they cannot carry on with their warning - but they know this guard, they know he will do what he has said.

"You have eight minutes left," Marinov says, and the two guards with him raise their rifles.

Within six minutes James is strapped again to his hospital bed. Nothing has been done with his wounds. There is only such much the guard could do. However, just after 3am, Marinov allows Stefan into the patient's room and covers the door whilst Stefan tries his best to help the patient, and treat the new wounds.

James is just about conscious enough to try and thank him when he gives him water and bathes his wounds. Stefan tries to shush him. He knows a few words of English, but not enough to converse. He feels ashamed he cannot do more.

Marinov warns Stefan to watch out for the others, not to make himself visible, to stay away from the American as much as he can. If the others find out it was Stefan who ratted on them he will be taken care of and the guard realises this. He cannot protect him.

The experiments continue.

When James was first taken to the main room he would beg the doctors to let him die, but they do not speak English - and would pretend not to hear him even if they did. To them, he is at the same level as a lab rat.

After a while, he stops asking. Stops talking completely. The only sounds he makes are from when he cannot keep the screams internal, when he cannot help but groan. When the pain and the fear are too much.

He never recovers from his injuries before he sustains more.

Some injuries are from pain testing, and some from burns which come from the batons both the guards and the orderlies use. The sedation leaves him weak and disorientated. He lives with the nightmares of what he has been through.

He has no one he can talk to, no one who shows any sign of compassion, no one who acknowledges him.

He is totally alone.

His bones begin to repair, but because of the mis-functioning serum, several have to be re-broken and set again. When they break the bones they do not always put him out, they need to see how far the serum goes to dull the pain. It doesn't. It seems that instead the serum increases the pain by working on the nerve endings first; keeping them open, his body feels everything.

At least at these times the doctors feel they are compassionate by increasing the doses of morphine they allow the nurses to give him.

As with any project, the faceless administrators try to save money: the orderlies and nurses brought in are the dregs, sifted from prisons, given the chance to redeem themselves. They realise they have a cushy number. In truth, they are people no one will miss if they don't work out and have to be shot.

In front of the doctors they fawn and pretend to care, away from the doctors they scheme and manipulate. They already know which doctor to go to for any problems: Dr Lehmann. He doesn't give a damn, as long as the patient is accessible for them to work on, it doesn't matter what happens to him.

Nikolay Lehmann is one of the German doctors on the project. He is highly ambitious and sees this as a stepping stone to greater things within Hydra. He is the only one of the doctors who realises what the nursing staff are doing to their patient, but to him it is ideal - that way when they come to break the Americans mind he will be most of the way there already.

What he doesn't know is that all the morphine and drugs put aside for James's pain management are smuggled out of the base and onto the black market. So that the doctors don't hear James screaming when the pain is at its worse, the nurses use gags and more of the sedation than they should. The sedatives do nothing for pain, they just drag him down deeper into his nightmares.

The rare moments he is lucid he cries quietly. He wants to go home. He thinks of the streets he grew up on, his family, his friends. Memories begin to fade, and he has to fight to keep them. He cannot remember one of his friends name, he can't remember the first girl he kissed. He is so frightened of losing the picture of Steve in his mind that when it takes time to think of it, his heart lurches. How could he __forget__?

How could he forget something so precious to him?

He can feel a change in his body - like before - but greater. It scares him. He knows somehow it is something to do with the project Steve went through, but he also knows it is not that simple. This group does not have the solution and until they do, they will keep searching and using him for their answers.

His muscle tone begins to develop, his bones heal, but the rate is slow and the doctors argue amongst themselves as to why it is not quicker. He feels the pain throughout his entire body as muscles stretch in a way they shouldn't, and his bones grow unnaturally. In some areas his skin splits because it does not keep up with the rate of growth inside his body. These splits heal but take time putting his already burdened body under more pressure. The serum still isn't right, it is unbalanced, it causes the doctors frustration and they argue amongst themselves, trying things that normally even Zola may not have sanctioned.

When Dr Abraham Erskine was murdered, he took the secret of his serum with him and they were unable to obtain any part of the batch used on the American Steve Rogers. Armin Zola had to start afresh, and the two scientists couldn't be more different. Erskine worked on not just the physical body, but the mental attributes as well.

Zola hasn't even considered these. He works on the physical side only, and cannot understand why his serum is not successful.

None of Zola's serums are stable, and the doctors try batch after batch with varying results. So far though they have not found one that works correctly. They do not know even know which type of radiation is the correct one: how much to use, where to concentrate the doses and it is James each time that suffers in the name of their experiments.

The doctors receive good news. The Americans are allowing Zola to visit. As a result of Operation Paperclip after the war, he is now a naturalised citizen of the United States, his work is of benefit to them.

After all, this is now an American project - although they do not know it is an American soldier that is paying the price. In fact, the American government and military do not actually know that this project is going forward. Why would they? They are not part of what is hidden within the great American dream, the future of mankind, the future as it should be not what others see it.

Hydra has found a new home.

Hydra has found protection.


	6. Chapter 6 - Language Barriers

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Six: James Barnes - Language Barriers****

Eduard Marinov, has finally been given permission for a 48 hour pass to visit his family. The last year has been particularly difficult. New guards to train, but not ones he would not have chosen himself. They are still using convicts - around thirty per cent of his men are now from the Gulags - despite the reports he has sent in to say it is a false economy. These are people who are not loyal to Hydra, they are loyal only to themselves.

When he first joined Hydra, the Science section of the Nazi regime under the famous Red Skull, he thought he was doing it for all the right reasons. But Hydra is not what it seems. Under all of its pleasant indoctrination it is evil and polluted. To leave it would mean death for him and his family so he has to play along, trapped in this nightmare.

He has had enough, and he feels sometimes that if he doesn't see any normalcy he is going to end up eating a bullet. He needs to see his wife, hold his daughters, know that there is some beauty in the world.

He leaves for his much needed salvation without a backward glance back at the camp and not knowing that people have been waiting for him to go.

With him gone they have time to play with the __amerikanskaya svin'ya -__ the American pig.

They have paid off the nurse and the guard is in on the idea from the start.

That evening James is in a fitful sleep; his head is bad, the heat in his body making him sweat and he can't move, cannot get comfortable. Noise brings him awake, three men have entered the room and are talking with the nurse. She stands and nods.

He recognises the men. Two are guards, and one is an orderly. They turn around and look at him. He has seen that look in peoples eyes before. They are looking at a victim.

The nurse walks over to the door and James tries to talk to her - tries to stop her from leaving. He is desperate. But he should know by now, no one will help him.

As the nurse walks out of the door she sees the men walk over to the bed. There is no compassion in her at all, no pity. She hears the American pleading with her to come back and although she does not know the words he speaks, she knows what it is he is begging.

She closes the door quietly and walks away.

 **...**

The next day is a long day of pain for James.

The doctors are annoyed and concerned that the batch of serum they thought was working is now showing signs of being yet another failure. When he was delivered to them this morning his condition was terrible enough for even the doctors to realise he is far from well. He is hot, sweaty, they can smell the infection coming from him but do not know that it is because of damage inside him. The latest serum is the closest they have come to getting it right so far, but after what happened to him the previous evening it is trying to fight infected wounds the doctors cannot see, ones inside his body, and so has thrown of all their readings.

Doctor Jakobs is the one to first notice that every time anyone goes near the patient, he is more edgy than normal - and when they went to push up his gown to inject something into his thigh he tries to fight them off. He is begging them for something, but they don't know what - no one speaks English.

James is begging for them not to rape him.

He is trapped in a delirium. He doesn't know where he is. People won't stop touching him, won't stop hurting him.

Jakobs can see that the heat isn't just a reaction of the serum. Before they began their work he gave James an injection of sulphur and prontosil rubrum. Jakobs feels today that even the serum needs the help of an anti biotic. He can see that there is an infection at work but he puts it down to the many needle marks in the patient's arm, they are puffy, sore, hot to the touch. So many needles are plunged into him they run out of where to inject him next and even have to use the top of his left arm. There is also infection in the stub where it is broken and bleeding and Jakobs is quick to re-sew the skin.

Doctor Eric Jakobs is German. Years ago when he finished university he had decided to take up a general practice, so he is considered more of a doctor than the others on the team who are more scientifically orientated. Later in life, after losing his wife and children to allied bombing, he thought his own life was finished - but he was recruited into Hydra by Zola; a friend whom he had known since childhood. He threw himself into his work here to create a better world, one where no more children would be killed by war.

He believes he is working on this project for all the right reasons. But from time to time he does remember they are experimenting on a human being. He had been the one who brought James back from the interrogation camp.

It is 2pm and they are getting ready to do another round of tests. But as Jakobs looks at the patient, he sees that James is grey, sweating, trembling.

"I don't really think we can go any further today," he says, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes.

The patient is laying on the table in the main room. He can see him shivering, see the sweat on his brow; his eyes are half closed, he can hear him murmuring. He is disorientated. Earlier, when Jakobs had given him some water, he had been shocked at how James had tried to grasp the cup from him, gulping it down so fast it had made him vomit it straight back up.

Jakobs had noticed that their patient always seemed so thirsty, Was it something to do with the serum? A side effect? He had questioned the nurses and told them the patient must always be kept on a hydrating drip.

They had assured him they always do.

They were lying.

"Slow down," he had said - but of course the man hadn't understood him, so instead he had patiently fetched some more water over and made the patient drink it slowly. James had looked at him afterwards, had tried to talk to him, beg for him to help him - but Jakobs had just patted him on his arm and moved away.

Jakobs does not want to think of this man being anything other than their patient. Their lab rat. He doesn't __want__ to question what they are doing.

"I don't really think we can go any further today," he repeats to Doctor Lehmann and as much as he resents it, Lehmann has to agree with Jakobs. Even he can see that the patient is finished for the day. He is frustrated that yet another batch of the serum is to be wasted; all that effort for nothing.

He does momentarily wonder if there is more at play here, but then dismisses it. He is still happy to let the nursing staff continue with their treatment, he wants to keep James's mind weak, on edge, frightened, ready to crack. It will be Lehmanns job one day to break the American, and so anything that will make it easier is welcomed.

They tell the orderly to wheel the patient back to his room. Testing is finished for today.

 **...**

James lies in his room asleep. He came back from the main room four hours ago, exhausted, strung out. The doctors have ordered blood tests to be taken every four hours. One of the nurses and an orderly have come to take his blood. They use the top of his stub. No need to waste pain killers, just plunge the needle into the vein and let it do its work.

It is the same orderly from the previous night.

James feels his whole body tense. The nurse writes up on the charts whilst the man smiles down at him. They think he is more heavily sedated than he is because he looks so drained, and they have loosened the straps on the bed to take the blood. They don't realise that the one holding his right hand is looser than normal.

The orderly starts to let his hands wander, he remembers last night and feels himself stiffening at the thought of it.

The female nurse tuts as though scolding a child.

"If you get caught..." she warns.

"I won't. No Marinov, remember?" he smirks and he turns and winks at James.

"You don't mind do you, a little feel now and then." The man pulls away the blanket, and then lets his hand wander down, pulling at the hem of James's gown.

James's eyes widen, his heart beating hard. He doesn't want this man to touch him again. His mind is so on edge it will tip over if he feels his touch any more. James pulls at the strap to try and release his hand so he can stop the orderly. The strap starts to give. He can feel the orderlies dirty fingers on him and he thinks he is going to throw up. He starts to sweat and panic rises up. He shakes his head.

"No don't..." the words barely make a sound, but the orderly smiles cruelly and holds a finger to his lips.

"Sshhh now, don't make a fuss! I'm sure you enjoyed it last night..." he smiles again, and although James cannot understand what the man is saying the smile says it all. James thinks he is going to vomit. Bile comes up into his mouth and makes him choke as he tries to swallow it back down again. He feels the man's hand move higher. Panic bubbles up, giving him a false strength and he pulls again hard. The strap comes loose and James's hand is suddenly free. He clamps down to stop the man's hand from going any further.

The orderly sneers and goes for his baton but James is quicker. He pulls the hypodermic syringe out of his arm and sticks it in the mans face, driving it home through the eyeball right back into the brain.

The man is dead before he hits the ground. The nurse drops the clipboard and screams.

Guards come rushing in, they stop and stare at the dead man.

"Kill him, for God sake shoot the pig, shoot him!" the nurse screams, pointing at the patient.

The guards know better than that. They know James's value. Besides which, one look at the American shows it is obvious he is of no danger now, he is done for the day. He is grey, leaning over the side of the bed, right hand grasping the sheets to keep himself from falling. He is having trouble breathing.

One of the guards hits a button on the wall to call for medical assistance. An alarm starts to blare.

The other guard tells the nurse to get out as two of the doctors and an orderly come running.

The doctors are trying to work out what is wrong. They are shouting questions at James but he doesn't understand them, in all this time no-one has ever considered how to converse with him.

There has never been a need to.

He has fallen back on the bed, his hand clutching his chest. He can't breathe. It is a panic attack. His airways are not allowing him air, in his mind he is back in the interrogation room.

The alarm is still blaring adding to the panic and noise in the room.

The orderly that has followed them into the room is actually trying to help. He is trying to tell them to let the man breathe. He knows what a panic attack is like, even if he doesn't know the word for it. But he does know a handful of words in English, and he is trying to get James to listen to just him.

He bends over the bed trying to make eye contact with the patient.

"Breath...you okay..." the words are heavily accented but they get through and James closes his eyes and concentrates on them, on breathing, in, out. The doctors for a moment forget their own panic and allow the orderly to carry on as they see it is working. James has grabbed hold of the orderlies coat, he doesn't even realise, he is gripping it so hard the orderly couldn't get away if he tried to.

Two guards have been sent in to remove the dead man, they are told to silence the alarm.

As James starts to breathe freely the whining in his ears lessens. He can hear what is going on in the room now. He hears one of the doctors talking to the other one, but has no idea what they are saying.

"You okay now," the orderly says, trying to make the patient concentrate on him once more. He holds James's hand so that James releases the jacket, but doesn't let go after this has been achieved. James looks at him, and the orderly can see the gratefulness in his eyes. James struggles to say something.

"Please don't let him touch me..." but the words are beyond the orderlies comprehension, but he nods as if he has understood.

Whilst the orderly has James's attention, one of the doctors comes up and without warning injects a hypodermic needle into James's right arm.

His eyes widen.

"Don't put me out, please don't...don't...no...they'll come back...oh no God, please..." he doesn't get any further before blackness starts to take him and nightmares begin to claim him. His hand lets go of the orderlies and he falls back, struggling not to give in but he loses the fight and is unconscious within a few seconds.

"What the hell happened here?" asks one of the doctors.

They look at the room. Blood has spurted over the bed clothes, over the patient, puddling on the floor. It is from the syringe that had been filling up with James's blood. The rest is in the dead mans eye.

The orderly shrugs, but it is obvious he knows.

"Whats your name?" Doctor Jakobs asks him.

"Stefan sir." Worry shows on his face.

"You did well today Stefan," the doctor pats him on the arm and Stefan decides to leave quickly before any more questions are asked.

The doctors are not really concerned as to what caused the incident, but it has made something obvious.

They needed a translator. An English-speaking nurse would be even better. And they need them quickly.

If they are to take the experimentation further and also one day work on the patient's mind, then they will need to communicate with him. It may not have been needed up until now, but it will be essential in the future.

 **...**

When James awakes the room is quiet. He is strapped down. The door is open and a nurse sits at the table reading. It is the same nurse from earlier. She knows how heavily sedated he is and the straps are so tight he cannot move.

He desperately needs something to drink. His mouth is parched and he tries to move, tries to call out to get her attention.

She hears him and, surprisingly, comes up at once. Leaning over him. Smiling. But the smile does not reach her eyes.

"Did you want something?" she asks in Russian. Her voice is low and pleasant and she knows he won't understand the words.

She uses her hands to gesture drinking.

"Water..." James says nodding, he looks at the cup on the side table hoping she will understand what he needs.

She turns and picks up the beaker, swishing it so he can hear the liquid.

"This?" she asks, and he nods guessing she is referring to the liquid in the cup. His head is pounding, his mouth is so dry.

The drip feeding into him which is supposed to be hydrating him is turned off - but he wouldn't know that.

There is of course no morphine.

"Sorry, its empty," she says, shaking her head and then drinking what is in there.

James's mouth dries even more when he hears her swallowing.

"Please..." he asks.

"All gone," she replies, and holds it upside down, letting a trickle fall on the bed clothes.

Then she places it back on the bedside table, pours some more water into the cup from the jug and smiles at him, she leaves it where he can see it. She goes and sits back down.

"Please..." James whispers, his eyes feel gritty. He needs to cough but can't. He would die for a drink, just some cool water. His tongue feels like it is sticking to the roof of his mouth, he can hardly swallow, he starts to sweat, he can't move and his skin itches.

 _ _Let me die, please Lord let me die.__

He closes his eyes and prays. Eventually his mind allows him to sleep.

It is hours later and everyone has settled for the night and James is woken from a deep sleep. He doesn't understand what is happening. There are two nurses and an orderly. The guard that should be outside has taken a convenient break.

There is no-one this time to see them remove the patient to the shower room. There are more staff waiting there and they strip the gown from him. He is thrown against the back tiled wall.

"You wanted a drink," the nurse from earlier says.

The showers are switched on full, freezing cold water hits him. He needs to be reminded about the rules.

James splutters not being able to follow what is happening. They are saying things to him but he doesn't know what. They are telling him he is a ' _ _dirty American pig'.__

The nurse steps forward with a bottle of bleach and upends it over his body.

As soon as the liquid reaches his injuries it starts to burn, starts to eat away at James's skin, and he cries out. He feels the fumes burning his eyes and the lining of his throat. Bleach gets into the stub of his left arm which has recently been opened and stitched closed, he almost hears it sizzling as it touches the skin and open wounds.

There is no compassion, this is his punishment for killing one of their own.

They get long handled brooms, the bristles stiff and filthy with grime and use them to __clean__ him, tearing away his skin, he tries to protect himself. The brushes leave him bloody and torn, curled up in a ball against the wall, sobbing.

When they are finished they return him to his room, soaking wet, freezing cold and the straps are placed back over him, cutting into the irritated and abraded skin.

The nursing staff know they won't get caught with the punishment they gave him. He is not needed for testing the next day. Doctor Jakobs has persuaded the other doctors to give him three days rest to get better. The nurses know the schedules, they know when the patient will be needed and they know by the time he is back in the main room his injuries will have started repairing themselves.

Besides, it is amazing what you can cover up with a simple hospital gown.

 **...**

Because of what happened to the orderly, orders are given that James is to be kept more heavily sedated from now on. The straps binding him to the bed are so tight they bite into his skin. The bed clothes are filthy, damp from urine, and blood, they chafe his skin, cause sores.

Testing starts again.

The orderlies and nurses are more jumpy around him. They are quicker to use their electric batons and soon the burns they cause are festering. The doctors cannot understand his slow rate of repair on the damage they themselves cause in the testing. The wounds shouldn't even be getting this bad, why is the serum not working better? They do not know of the treatment James is receiving, they only see a small amount of the burns that they believe are from radiation and pain testing. They do not see the bed sores, and do not know of the other torture he is being put through.

Except of course for Doctor Lehmann. He __believes__ he knows what is happening.

The doctors know the serum will eventually repair the damage, so it doesn't concern them when they cause him pain. They have no idea he is still not getting any pain medication or that the nurses are keeping his drips switched off to punish him for striking out at the orderly.

Marinov returns, but is kept busy catching up with work that he missed whilst on leave.

Stefan, the one person that tried to help James, does not know what to do about what he sees and hears. He has tried mentioning it to Doctor Lehmann, and Lehmann made it more than obvious that Stefan was to mind his own business or he will find himself out of a job. Stefan is no monster but he knows if his job here is terminated it would mean his death.

He has begun to receive mild threats from the other staff who have noticed he does not join in with the rough treatment of the American pig.

Stefan has no one to turn to.

Perhaps James is not the only one who is alone.


	7. Chapter 7 - Memories

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Seven : James Barnes - Memories****

James can hear the sounds out in the corridor; people talking, walking by, dropping things, even laughter.

What in Gods' name was there to laugh about in a hellhole like this?

He is trying to leave this place. He cannot do so physically, but his mind is thinking, always thinking of home and of Steve, trying to be back there, trying to be back home. Back with him.

 _ _The last night he was home, before he left for England and the 107__ _ _th__ _ _, he had taken Steve to meet up with two girls at Howard Stark's World Fair.__

 _ _He had once again just pulled Steve out of a fight and had to tidy him up.__

 _ _Steve had asked him where they were going and Bucky had told him.__

" _ _The future...we're going to see the future."__

 _ _He had wanted Steve to have at least one night with a woman before he left him alone, but even fairly early on he was sure it wasn't going to work out that way. The girl wasn't interested. He had got it wrong. Again.__

 _ _Later, he kicked himself. Deep down he had wanted them to spend the night together, have Steve to himself but as there was a chance he wouldn't come back he wanted to open up Steve's horizons, give Steve other options. Bad plan.__

 _ _Steve had ended up heading off to yet one more Army joining booth, and Bucky had ended up going dancing with the girls. He had said goodbye to Steve, smiling and horsing around because he could see Steve's mind was already on what he was going to say to get them to take him. He didn't want to leave him, he should have stayed, should have kept him close until the time where there were no minutes left and he had to leave.__

 _ _During the evening, Bucky had grown quieter and less exuberant. All he could think about was Steve. Was that the last time he was going to see him? In the end the girls decided to find someone else to party with; after all there were a lot of takers. They had wished him luck, though.__

 _ _He couldn't get drunk. No good turning up the next morning with a hangover and being the butt of some Sergeant's wrath. As he walked home he went by Steve's apartment, the light was out and he hesitated, should he go and wake him?__

Now, all this time later, he knew the flat had been empty. Steve had finally found someone who would accept him into the army - and he had never told James.

 _ _They had exchanged a few letters. Steve kept all the details of what he was doing to himself, not because he didn't want to tell Bucky but because he didn't want to worry him – and__ _ _ **,**__ _ _of course__ _ _ **,**__ _ _he had to consider his letters were being censored before they were sent.__

 _ _He had told Bucky he had gotten a civilian job at the army camp, and that was why his mail was coming from an army address. Joked how he was helping in the kitchens with the cooking. Bucky knew now it was a different type of cooking altogether. Steve had probably not wanted Bucky Barnes ending up on the camp where he was, on some rescue or big brother mission. It had been Steve's chance to do something, to be someone and he was scared enough as it was.__

 _ _He had to do it alone otherwise he would never do anything.__

 _ _The letters tailed off from both of them when Bucky's division went into action. But it hadn't meant Steve wasn't on Bucky's mind.__

James still remembered the day his unit was captured. He had thought he knew fear that day...but now he knew it had barely touched him.

He opens his eyes and looks around the room he is in. How long has he been here? It feels like forever. It __is__ forever. He is a different man to the one who had signed up. There is no cockiness now. Back then he had been ready to take on the world, now...now he was broken.

He can hear the guards talking out in the corridor, and he feels the panic creeping up. He is held down so tightly by the straps that he feels he can't breathe. They have taken everything away from him. He is so frightened deep down. Why him? Was it fate that he had been taken captive by them again? What was going to be the outcome? Was he going to be some super soldier like Steve? __Amend that,__ he thinks, __to some fucked up super soldier.__

But he knows. He knows that his fate will be different. Zola is a different entity entirely from Erskine.

Steve had told him that Erskine's experiment was done all in one go, the serum injected all at the same time, the radiation then administered and Steve's body had changed. Howard Stark had also been in on it. Two brilliant minds working together.

But James? No, not all at the same time; instead years of pain. For James it is a living nightmare of hypodermics, unstable serums, radiation. They can't get it right. They don't know what they are doing.

A nurse comes in, taking no notice of him and putting paperwork down on the desk. He would like to ask for water but he doesn't speak Russian and he knows she would not help him even if he did. He has gotten them in to so much trouble of late. His stomach twinges. He still remembers the increasing pain of the baton as it began to eat through his flesh as he pushed it harder, trying to kill himself, trying to end the nightmare. The smell of his own flesh burning. That is something now he is learning to live with. He has had so much pain he doesn't think he can take any more.

He has killed one of their own as well, they will never forgive him for that.

He closes his eyes.

He does not remember a lot about what Zola did to him before, but he remembers the changes he felt in his body.

 _ _But that day Steve found him at the Hydra base. That day someone said his name and he opened his eyes and saw Steve looking at him, he remembers it so well.__

 _ _He remembers Steve helping him sit up and swinging off the table and nearly falling over being caught by Steve and looking up. Suddenly, Steve was taller than him.__

" _ _I thought you were dead," Steve had said to him.__

" _ _I thought you were smaller," he had replied looking his best friend up and down.__

 _ _All the way back to the camp he had stayed by Steve's side, glancing at him when he thought he wasn't looking.__

 _ _So different, yet still the same person.__

 _ _Then later when they had all been sent for medical checks. Having to flirt with the nurse to make sure she didn't realise he hadn't gone through the tests, telling everyone he was fine. Telling everyone nothing had actually been done to him when it had. Pretending to be Bucky Barnes, joker of the pack, telling stories of how Steve had come to their rescue, always deflecting the attention back onto him.__

 _ _Keeping himself away from Steve had been the hardest, not just because he knew Steve would realise something is wrong with him, but because he had seen something else. There was a woman in Steve's life. Peggy Carter. How could Bucky have stepped in between them? This would have been Steve's chance at a normal life, and he couldn't spoil that, couldn't take that away from him.__

 _ _Until the day he couldn't cope anymore. Until the day he had sneaked off camp, into the local woods, found a quiet spot, told himself he just needed the peace and quiet. Not thinking why he had a loaded gun in his hand.__

 _ _But Steve had found him, curled up against a tree, eyes red, nose snotty, hands shaking, the gun in his mouth ready to blow his brains out.__

"If only you hadn't found me," James murmurs to himself.

" _ _Buck..." Steve had crouched in front of him, hands out not knowing what to do.__

 _ _This giant of a man was totally helpless to the one person that needed him. He had been watching Bucky closely, knew him more than he knew himself. Knew he had sidetracked everyone from what had been done to him, seen the false bonhomie. Knew something was wrong, deeply wrong. He had seen the lab, seen empty syringes, seen more things than he cared to remember and knew they had done something to Bucky. He had tried to talk to him about it but Bucky just said Steve was dreaming, made sure they were never alone, never just the two of them.__

 _ _And now his friend, the person who meant the most to him in the whole world was in despair, ready to die.__

 _ _Dumdum Morgan had seen Bucky sneak out of the camp because Cap had asked him to keep an eye on Bucky - he'd remained behind, covering for them both as Steve went off to find Bucky.__

" _ _Buck...what is it, whats wrong?" Steve had asked. Hadn't tried to take the gun, hadn't tried to pull rank, hadn't tried to remind Bucky he was a soldier.__

 _ _Instead he sat down next to Bucky, ready to listen.__

 _ _Bucky had just cried, bawled his eyes out and Steve had sat there until Bucky was exhausted; until he couldn't cry any more, until his hand came down to his lap and Steve was able to reach over and take the loaded gun away. Then, laying the gun where Bucky couldn't reach it, he took his friend in his arms and held him close.__

James tries to remember the feel of Steve's arms around him as he had cried, the smell of the leather jacket he wore, the comfort that enveloped him.

He had been where he belonged.

 _ _Later they had returned to camp, but instead of taking Bucky back to barracks he had put him in a Jeep and told him to wait there. Twenty minutes later Steve had climbed in the other side with a bag and waved some papers at him. A 24 hour furlough for them both. They hadn't talked in the forest and they didn't talk now. Bucky had been too shattered mentally and physically.__

 _ _Steve had pulled the Jeep up outside a cottage somewhere in the English countryside, not far from camp but far enough that they were alone.__

" _ _A friend's," he had said cryptically, and left it at that. At this point Bucky felt he didn't care any more where he was, as long as Steve was there with him they could be on the Moon.__

 _ _That was their first night together since Steve had changed. Since Erskine's serum had enhanced his body and given him a new persona.__

 _ _Bucky still remembers how his hands felt the changes. How solid Steve was now, how it was him that nearly got winded when Steve moved to cover his body, Steve blushing when he realised he had to take it slowly with Bucky and not just because of his fractured mind.__

 _ _They had made love slowly, cautiously at first, and then when they had finished Steve had taken Bucky in his arms.__

" _ _Talk to me," was all he said.__

 _ _And Bucky did.__

 _ _He told Steve what they had done to him, the changes he was feeling, the gut-wrenching feeling of not knowing why and what was happening to his own body. The nightmares, the hot sweats. Hiding from people at the camp so they wouldn't see him lose himself to the fear that crawled up inside and ate at him.__

 _ _Steve had then told him what he knew about Hydra, and how they were trying to catch up with Erskine's experiments from Project Rebirth. If only Erskine was still alive to help Bucky - but he wasn't, and Steve could only think of one person who could help. Peggy. As soon as he mentioned her name, he felt Bucky draw away from him, physically and mentally. It took him long, patient minutes to get out of Bucky why.__

" _ _Because I know I'm losing you to her," Bucky had said eventually, quietly.__

 _ _Steve had turned to him, surprised. "What?"__

" _ _Aw come on Steve I'm not stupid. I've seen the way you two look at each other, you may not even realise it yet, but..."__

 _ _And for the first time Steve realised that Bucky could be right. He did have feelings for Peggy. But then he looks at Bucky, looks at this man who has meant so much to him for so long, and knows he couldn't live without him. The thought of never being with him again, never touching him again, makes Steve feel sick.__

" _ _Buck, I love you. I will always be here for you, you know I will. I like Peggy, yes, but..."__

 _ _But Bucky is a realist. He doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to face losing Steve yet and instead reaches out hungrily for him.__

" _ _Don't make promises you can't keep," he whispers as he kisses Steve to shut him up.__

 _ _They agreed to keep the truth between the two of them. No one else was to know about the experimentation done on James Barnes - until it is seventy years too late.__

And now, all this time later he can't help but wonder - what is Steve doing?

 _ _Is he still looking for me?__

He doesn't know how long he has been here. How many years? Nothing changes down here, buried deep underground, no daylight, no stars at night, day in day out always the same. He has no idea what day of the week it is, yet alone what month, what year. Time here is different.

Sudden thoughts come to mind.

What did Steve do last Christmas? On his last birthday? How many have gone by?

What if he has forgotten James? What if he has lost himself in Peggy?

"No,no please God...please." He doesn't want those thoughts. Doesn't want __that__ internal pain.

But then guilt chews at him. Why shouldn't Steve have a good life? Why should he suffer just because James is not there any more? For a moment his mind betrays him, wondering at what type of children Steve and Peggy would have. He could have been their Uncle Bucky, always there for them all.

He wants to turn over, to curl in on himself but the straps won't let him. His skin itches like mad and his heart feels like it is shrivelling up in pain - his heart hurts, he longs to see Steve, just to touch him, just to be held by him.

A sob escapes him.

"Steve," he whispers. Tears prick his eyes and he closes them.

He nearly lost him before.

 _ _He remembers.__

 _ _He'd made a deal with God.__

" _ _Please God, don't let him die. I'll do whatever you want, I'll take whatever you want to dish out but please don't let him die."__

Is this his punishment for that promise? Is this what God thought was a worthy exchange?

 _ _Steve was rarely late for anything, and this morning Bucky waited for twenty minutes before deciding to walk towards the apartment, hopefully meeting Steve half way. But he didn't, and by the time he reaches the apartment he is worried.__

 _ _Looking up, he could see the curtains closed in the bedroom. The two of them were due for a days work offloading the ships down at the dock, it wasn't something Steve would be late for.__

 _ _Bucky ran up the steps and knocked on the door of the flat. No answer. He kicked over the brick and picked up the spare key.__

 _ _The moment he entered the flat, he knew there was something wrong. He could smell it in the air. Sickness and sweat. It made his heart beat faster, a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. He burst into Steve's bedroom, what was once Sarah's bedroom, the place Bucky first ever made love to Steve.__

 _ _Steve was there, in the bed. The room was stifling hot. Bucky cracked the window to get some fresh air circulating - but not enough to be draughty. He went to the bed.__

 _ _Steve was burning hot, there was vomit on the bed clothes which were sodden.__

" _ _Jesus, Steve, Steve!" He shook him gently, and Steve tried to open his eyes but the effort was costing him. Bucky reached over to the glass on the bedside table and propped Steve up, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, and had got him to drink.__

" _ _What the hell?" Bucky knew how quickly Steve's illnesses could come on. He hadn't seen him for two days. How long had he been ill, for Christ's sake. He only needed go down with one illness and the rest would jump at his vulnerable body.__

" _ _Sorry, Buck," Steve had started to cough. Bucky knows the sound, the rasp, he could hear the crinkling of the lungs. He knew what it was, knew Steve needed help.__

" _ _Hey you big oaf, nothin' to be sorry about. How long have you been like this?" He didn't expect a reply and didn't get one.__

 _ _He couldn't take Steve to the hospital. Neither of them had enough money to cover the bills. They had been in this situation before, but Steve seemed worse this time. He could have tried to get him down to the Mercy Hospital charity room, but the wait would have been hours and Steve was in no condition to sit waiting, coughing his guts up in a room full of sick people.__

" _ _Hold on Stevie, I'll be back."__

 _ _He wasn't going far.__

 _ _He went to the flat next door and hammered on the door. The family there knew him, knew Steve well and the mother recognised the look on Bucky's face.__

" _ _Can I borrow Frankie?" Bucky asks and the mother nodded without asking why.__

" _ _Frankie!" she yelled, turning back into the flat, then looking again at Bucky.__

" _ _Is it Steve? Is he bad?"__

 _ _Bucky nodded just as Frankie approached.__

 _ _Frankie was a young lad of ten. He had gone on errands before for Bucky.__

" _ _Leave the door on the latch, James, and I'll pop in when Frankie comes back and can watch Molly," the mother had said. She had known Sarah Rogers well, and used to look after Steve for her. She had known Steve for his entire fragile life. It was no good trying to get a doctor out or go to the hospital. The families here were too poor, so they look after each other, did what they could.__

 _ _Frankie knew the drill and Bucky didn't have to repeat things twice.__

 _ _There was a dime in it for him if he is fast.__

 _ _Firstly, he was to go to the Barnes' house and tell Bucky's mother that Steve was ill, and Bucky would be staying at the flat until he is better.__

 _ _Secondly, he is to go to a doctor Bucky knows. He would write a prescription for Steve. Then next to the chemist with a list of supplies.__

 _ _Thirdly, bring everything back.__

 _ _Finally, go to the docks and explain that they won't be coming to work. The guy they work for was a good man, and he would know that it must be something bad for his boys not to turn up.__

 _ _Then he will come home, earn his dime, and look after his younger sister Molly so his mother could help Bucky.__

 _ _Bucky went back to Steve. He needed to get the bed clean, get Steve clean, sit him up more. He carried him to a chair in the bedroom, covered him. He was so light, nothing to him at all, and it broke Bucky's heart to see him so ill.__

 _ _Steve was trying to talk to him. Bucky ran his hand through Steve's blond hair, damp with sweat.__

" _ _Sshh, its okay, trust you to get like this. Why didn't you send Frankie to get me?" He told him off, kissed his forehead, then told him everything was going to be okay.__

 _ _He quickly changed the sheets and getting a bowl of fairly warm water, flannel and a towel he washed Steve the best he could, changed him into clean pyjamas. Then he moved him back to the clean bed, propping him up.__

 _ _Next, he fetched fresh water and encouraged him to drink just as Frankie came back with the things from the chemist.__

 _ _Steve was wheezing, which was a good sign - it meant air was getting in.__

 _ _However, he needed help. Quickly.__

 _ _The doctor for the area had known Sarah Rogers and knew Steve. He would always fill a prescription for him. He had sent Bucky a course of aminophylline tablets, and the chemist also supplied a batch of Elliots' Asthma Powder . It was unusual for them to supply goods without payment but they knew James Barnes. They knew he would pay. He always does.__

 _ _He made Steve take two of the tablets, then set the powder burning on the bedside table to help him breath easier. The next door neighbour came in to see if she could help - but she had soon recognised that Bucky had it under control.__

 _ _They have been in this situation many times before.__

" _ _Just bang on the wall if you need anything," she told him as she scooped up the dirty bed clothes, she would wash them and get them hanging out to dry. Then she left him to it knowing Steve was in good hands.__

 _ _He pulled a chair up to the bedside and took a deep breath. He had been so frightened when he had seen the curtains pulled, when he smelt the sickness - and then, looking at Steve, how pale he was, he was still frightened.__

 _ _He spent the rest of the morning sitting at Steve's bedside, ensuring he drank something, checking him, talking to him just so Steve knew he was still there.__

 _ _His mother arrived with food shortly before one o'clock. Winifred Barnes knew just how much her son loved Steve Rogers - more than his father and brothers knew. As she looked at her son her heart went out to him. He always took the weight of the world on his shoulders and asked for help from no one. She also knew that the love was reciprocated, and that is all she could ask. That someone would love her son just as much as she did, would look after him in this world.__

" _ _Thanks Ma," James said kissing her on the cheek. They warmed up some of her home made soup and between them got Steve to drink some. It wasn't a lot but it was a start.__

 _ _Before she left, she spoke quietly to her son. "He's bad isn't he, I can see it. He should be in the hospital."__

 _ _She was just stating a fact. Bucky's family was not rich. Sometimes things were border-line for them, but they had slightly more than the Rogers did.__

 _ _She was going to make a call on the way home to their doctor, to see if she couldn't get him to agree to a home visit. The Barneses would somehow cover the bill.__

 _ _That night, he crawled into bed beside Steve, sometimes holding him - but not wanting to crowd him. Steve would always reach out for him, would feel safe in Bucky's arms.__

 _ _It was a long two days for Bucky Barnes, and the night before the illness broke and Steve began to get better he had prayed to God not to take Steve away from him. Watched him try to breathe, trying to get comfortable.__

" _ _I'll do anything you want, just don't take him, please don't take him away from me."__

 _ _It was as if somebody had heard. The next day Steve opened his eyes and for the first time knew where he was, could manage a sentence without coughing his lungs up, and Bucky knew he had turned a corner.__

 _ _Steve's eyes were on him, looking at him smiling. "I love you James Barnes, do you know that?"__

 _ _Bucky had burst into tears, surprising them both and it had been Steve's turn to hold him, to tell him everything was going to be okay.__

James thinks of that now, the relief he felt at the time. Knowing Steve wasn't going to die, wasn't going to be taken from him.

He wishes that for a moment he could be with Steve, just to feel his arms around him, just one more time. Just to have Steve whisper to him that everything was going to be all right and that Steve would get him out of here.

He clenches his jaw, does everything he can to stop the sobs that well up in him so they don't hear him crying and decide he needs punishing again.

Can they not understand his thoughts are punishment enough?


	8. Chapter 8 - The Nurse - Taken

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eight: The Nurse – Taken****

First, there is a pounding on the front door which is so loud that it wakes all of you.

Then you hear your parents rush out to the landing, and you follow only seconds later, grabbing a shawl to cover your nightdress, trying to put your slippers on as you hurry down the stairs.

The front door crashes open and booted feet enter. Two soldiers appear on the stairs. They are shouting for everyone to come down. They have their rifles at the ready and you know they will shoot anyone who gives them cause to.

Your father leads the way, shielding your mother, and at the bottom of the stairs someone grabs you and holds you by your arms. The man who is obviously in charge steps forward and looks at you. He nods to the soldiers and turns to your parents.

There are now four soldiers. They bundle you outside whilst your parents cling to each other. You hear your father ask what is wrong, what is it you have done?

The man steps forward and speaks quietly to him.

By the time you look back, you see your parents white-faced clutching each other. Your mother looks petrified. You don't know what must be going around in her mind. Your father is pale, but his allegiance is to his wife and for this he must sacrifice his daughter.

He cannot look at you.

What have you done? What is this about? They must have the wrong person. You have no idea of who you have upset to deserve this treatment.

The man follows.

"They have been told to forget you," he says, "you won't be coming back."

"But...but what have I done? " you ask, fear churning away inside you.

He doesn't say any more.

Instead, a soldier steps forward and roughly places a hood over your head, then they lift you into the back of the lorry. You are guided to a cold metal seat and the soldiers get in either side of you. Terrible thoughts run through your mind as to what is going to happen to you, and now it is not just the cold making you tremble.

 **...**

 _ _The man stamps his feet. It is cold tonight, but they didn't have time to let her get dressed. He is not a sadist and doesn't want trouble. Doesn't want to have to order his soldiers to kill her parents. He steps up into the cab and nods for the soldier to drive. He made sure her parents realised that if they asked any questions or still remembered they had a daughter then someone would come back, and they would be wiped out.__

 _ _It was up to them now. Follow his advice or die.__

 **...**

You sit on the cold metal of the seat, sandwiched between two men. The metal burns the back of your legs where your nightdress has rucked up, and you try to feel around to pull it lower - but one of the soldiers smacks your hand away.

You can see nothing. The hessian of the hood scratches at your face but you dare not try to remove it. Suddenly, something lands in your lap, making you jump. You realise it is a blanket, rough but warmer than the cold air caressing you. You want to say thank you but you have no voice, your mouth is totally dry.

You huddle up as best as you can and try not to think about anything.

You only realise they are not going to kill you when you are pulled from the truck, and the hood is removed.

You are inside some type of military camp. Even though it is still night, soldiers are moving about and training and you glimpse buildings, lights full blaze and assault courses. You see all of this before you are hustled up some steps and into a building that is isolated from the others.

You have done nothing wrong.

It is your abilities they have __recruited__ you for. They need an English-speaking nurse and that is why you have been selected. In fact, you were recommended by the director of your local hospital. He had no idea of what would happen to you. He thought he was doing you a favour.

A serious-looking military man has been telling you this, and you listen to him in a daze. He is somewhat disturbed by the fact you are in a night gown and shawl, and sends a soldier away to find you some clothes. A pair of trousers and shirt are given to you, and it seems unreal when the man turns his back on you - seeming to indicate you are to change into them there in his office. You put the clothes on over your nightdress quickly. They are too big, but they cover you and for that you are grateful.

After he has advised you that the work you will do here is secret, and that should you be found unsuitable you will forfeit your life, he has you marched away.

You follow the soldiers in a daze, too scared to ask where you are going. They stop by what appears to be a locked, full length, double-door cabinet. One of the soldiers reaches behind it and the cabinet swings away from the wall. You are led into a corridor.

From there you are then taken down into a complex by elevator. When you are hustled out you are in another long corridor. To your right is a locked gateway with armed guards who stare at you, rifles in hand.

You are pulled to the left, and taken down the corridor. You are pushed into a darkened dormitory where there are other people sleeping, and no-one wakes to show any interest in you at all. One of the soldiers accompanying you shows you to a bed and indicates that you are to sleep there. It has already been made up with blankets and sheets, and there is a small bedside lamp lit which indicates they were expecting you.

He advises you that there is bathroom at the end of the room, and that you are to use it and then sleep. You are not to attempt to leave the dormitory. Someone will come for you in the morning.

He leaves, and you are left in this small pool of light. You carefully pick your way over to the bathroom, closing the door behind you and feeling for a light switch. You are worried about being in there for too long so you are quick, and then make your way back to the bed.

You are sure you are not going to sleep, Your thoughts are all over the place. This morning you were a nurse working at the local hospital, and now you are a nurse working God knows where again. You are so tired and frightened by now that all you can do is curl up into a small ball and without any more thought, you unexpectedly fall asleep.

This has always been your mind's way of protecting itself.

 **...**

Over the next 24 hours you learn you are there to look after one patient. The eight other people in the dormitory are a mixture of nurses and orderlies, men and women sharing the same space. You will work in an eight hour rotation with them. They seem to be an unfriendly bunch, and you cannot imagine trusting any of them.

One of the nurses gleefully tells you that the patient has already killed an orderly who was helping to take his blood. As soon as you press her to tell you more she is told to shut up by the other nurses.

"Let her find out about the __pig__ animal for herself," they say.

She shuts up and refuses to say any more, but at least you have learnt that the patient is male.

One of the orderlies, a young man you hadn't noticed until now, tells you softly not to worry. Whilst he is not over friendly, he is also not unfriendly, and you nod your thanks to him.

Over the course of the day you are initiated into the running of the complex below the camp, and where and what you can do. It is deeply impressed on you what you cannot do and where you cannot go. You are given a shift rota but told that you may be needed to work out of the rotation if the doctors require it, because you are mainly here for your ability to act as a translator.

You are given clothes and footwear, told where to eat, how to order anything you need for personal use, where to wash your clothes, all the mundane living arrangements.

It is made more than obvious that it is a permanent situation and you realise that most of the time, if not all of the time, you will spend underground.

That night you are exhausted. It is the stress of the situation and the realisation that you are so totally alone.

Your duties are to start the following day.

You know nothing of the patient you are going to meet, except that he is male and a killer. You do not even really know what is expected of you. Your basic duties were explained to you - you are to look after this one patient, but you are not told who it is or what is wrong with him, although you ask. There is a terrible secrecy surrounding him and you are nervous of pushing to find out any more as it is obvious your life is worth nothing to them. You can always be replaced.

That night, when you are in your bed listening to the snores of the others, you cannot sleep. You feel sick, frightened, what if you do something wrong and do not know? What if you end up somewhere you are not supposed to go? You know your fears are probably worse than they are because of the uncertainty, that by this time tomorrow you should know so much more. If the patient is so dangerous and has killed, will he kill you? What is wrong with him? Why does he need a nursing staff? Who is he?

And your mind asks the most important question at last. _ _Does it really matter? Does it really matter if I die?'__

You already know the answer to that.

No, it doesn't matter. Anything has to to be better than the state of suspension you had been living in since you came home.

Anything.

Or so you thought.


	9. Chapter 9 - The Patient

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Nine: The Patient****

 ** **Part One****

 ** **The Nurse - The Patient.****

In the morning you dress in your new uniform. It is not like any of your previous nursing uniforms. They have issued you with three of them so that one can be worn whilst one is cleaned, leaving one spare. It is light khaki in colour, styled like a dress coat: buttons all the way down the front, short sleeves, an elastic belt around the middle, a small top pocket, and two pockets lower down. It is to be worn with stockings. There is no hat, but you are told to keep your plait bound up tightly or you will need to cut it off.

At least the two pairs of shoes you have been issued are comfortable.

For when you are not on duty, you are to wear one of your three khaki coloured blouses with a black skirt.

Someone shows you a store cupboard in the dormitory where you can get clean bed linen and towels. They issue you with a set of toiletries. When you have used them up you are to see one of the store masters and swap the old bottles for a new set. They warn you, no old container - no swaps.

Although there is a place to wash clothes yourself, you are also told about the laundry services that run on the camp and how to send your clothes, bedding and anything else in to there. You are told where the canteen is. All food and drinks are free and the canteen is open 24 hours to cover all shifts, it is for everyone, nursing staff, guards, doctors alike. You are then instructed where to put any garbage you want to dispose of.

All of this is restricted to those working in this part of the complex only - in other words those underground.

There are more rules here than you can take in.

You are then handed over to a guard. He hands you a pass and tells you that you must have it with you at all times. It has your photograph on it, which amazes you - where did they get that from?

You clip it to the outside of your top pocket.

The rules get more serious at this point.

He runs over security issues with you. You are not allowed to contact anyone above ground, or use any of the external communication posts. If you feel you have a need to contact someone then you must talk to your supervisor. You ask who that is, but the question is ignored. You will find out later that you do not really have one. The work here is secret, and you are only allowed to discuss any issues concerning the patient with the doctors, or - if need be - fellow staff, or the guards directly working with you.

 _ _Do you understand?__

He then instructs you of where you can go. Where your pass with allow you. The floor you are on is the second floor down and contains your dormitory, the canteen, and other services. Your work will be done mostly on the third floor and this is a totally restricted area.

Do not expect to ever go to either the first floor or the surface.

 _ _Do you understand?__

You are never to talk to the patient unless the doctor asks you to, or in the rare case of an emergency. You are here to translate and provide nursing care. All procedures are decided on by the doctors. They are your first port of call if there is a problem.

 _ _Do you understand?__

 _ _If he asks you one more time you may scream.__

If the patient asks you to do something or contact someone for him, you are to tell one of the doctors immediately. You will never do anything that the patients asks.

Failure to obey any of these rules means death. __Do you understand?__

You nod, then stutter "Yes." You ask if the patient has a name but the guard looks at you blankly, then looks away. "He has no name and you will not address him by one. He is no one. It is important you understand this," he says, and that is the end of the conversation.

So, all you know still is that the patient is male and speaks English.

You are taken to another elevator and travel down to what seems to be the same set up as the floor above. Turning right, a guard allows you both through the gate and further down into a long curving corridor which looks the same as the one above. Bare concrete. Your footsteps ring on the cold stone floor. You see several numbered doors. Everything down here is dirty, war torn. The place isn't kept very clean, and you look back at the floor when you realise some of the stains are dried blood. There are armed guards everywhere. Down here they have a different uniform to the normal Russian uniforms you are used to seeing above; they are all black, and at the top of each sleeve is an embroidered patch showing a distinctive red-tentacled monster design.

The design has also been stencilled onto every wall and door.

You slow your pace and take a better look at it, and immediately you wish you hadn't.

It reminds you of a monster you had once glimpsed as a child. Your father sometimes imported English story magazines from abroad. You were not supposed to look at them but one day you had looked through his latest issue, which featured a story by a British author called Lovecraft. There was a coloured drawing of the monster that he wrote about, Cthulhu. You have never forgotten that picture. It had caused you nightmares for weeks. You have a feeling this this new monster will too.

"What is that?" you can't help but ask the guard, and he frowns at you.

"Hydra," he says, and carries on walking.

You look back at the design, confused. Another book your father owned was a volume of Greek Myths and Legends. It used to fascinate you as a child, and he would use it when teaching you to read. In there was a beast named Hydra, a large serpent who, to give it its due had many heads, but most certainly wasn't a red skulled monstrosity.

You hurry to catch up with the guard.

You reach another gate. The two guards look at you, rifles held firm, and the man you are with shows them your pass. They let you through. Things feel tenser, and you know you are reaching wherever it is he is taking you.

Your stomach starts to churn. Is your patient going to turn out to be a monster? Some freak of nature? Your mind runs riot with your imagination; they told you he has killed already, what if...? You clamp down hard on your thoughts.

 _ _Pull yourself together.__

As you get nearer to your destination, you recognise a smell you hoped never to encounter again: the smell of burnt and diseased flesh. It is tinged with another smell you don't quite recognise, but sets your teeth on edge.

Then you are taken through a set of double doors with no numbers. A board above the doors states it is the Main Room. Large RESTRICTED AREA notices are posted in red and black on each door. You pass through them and into a large room.

Without any further instructions, the guard leaves your side and leaves the room.

You stand there feeling lost, looking around. There seem to be a lot of people in the room, either at monitoring desks or walking around talking in groups. They wear off white coats that have seen better days. One man seems to have blood on the sleeve of his. Fresh red blood.

There is an annoying hum of electricity in the room and the murmur of voices, different accents all speaking Russian and all vying for attention. The light is bright, not just the lights on the ceiling but there are floor lamps lit, their light cantered on a space in the middle of the room where an empty table stands. Fresh blood speckles the surface, an empty hypodermic on the floor under it. A tray of tools lies next to it, scalpels, other things, bloodied, bits of black cotton, kidney shaped dishes with red stained water. A pair of what looks like leads with electrodes at the head of them carelessly thrown and in danger of slipping off the side of the table.

You do not recognise half the equipment in the room, but like any busy hospital there is paperwork, files spread about desks. You glance down at a file on a desk next to you but what you see makes no sense - graphs, figures - so you look away again.

One of the other nurses passes by you, nods, and leaves. You turn and watch her go. You thought she might have filled you in, tell you what you need to do - but obviously not. They are going to drop you in at the deep end.

There are three guards in here, all of whom raised their rifles slightly as you were brought into the room. They only relax when they see your uniform and see it is only the change of shift.

As you entered this Main Room you were aware of the terrible smells that are coming from it, electricity, vomit and burnt flesh. You breathe through your mouth until you get used to it. When you were exiting the lift, you thought you heard screaming coming from somewhere and somehow you know it was from here. You had hoped it was just your imagination, caused by the awful atmosphere of the place.

You turn again as movement catches your eye.

Then you see him.

 _ _Your__ patient.

Two guards are placing him on a trolley in the middle of the room. He is groaning. There is a group of doctors at a panel of instruments and one of them is instructing an orderly to take the patient back to his room. At first you do not realise who the patient is, but then a guard steps away and you are told to attend to him.

You walk closer, until you come to the head of the trolley, and the bottom drops out of your world.

What you see sickens you; the injuries inflicted and the awful look of pain on his face. His eyes are closed. His hair is long, down to his shoulders, matted, and filthy. His face is stubble, and his pallor is deadly grey. He is dressed in a soiled, torn hospital gown and part of his left arm is missing. The stump is crudely stitched with black thread and the damaged flesh puffy and infected; there is actually blood trickling from around the stitches, and scars stand out against the pale flesh. His bones stand out, from what you can see there is no spare flesh on him - yet strangely, he does not appear to be as emaciated as you would think. All he is wearing is the filthy hospital gown. On his body, arms and the side of his face are varied burns, bruises and other wounds some of which are open and weeping, and you realise this is one of the sources of the terrible smells in the lab.

But, what is more gut wrenching to you, is that you know this man.

It is the American, Your American. The one you saved, and then could not protect. The one whose dog tags even now are hidden under the floorboards in your parents house.

It is James Barnes.

Your eyes widen. You feel dizzy and suddenly very hot. The room is airless and you reach out to steady yourself. No, it can't be him, it can't be _ _.__ Your stomach rolls and you can't help but gasp.

His eyes open when he hears the noise you make and you wish they hadn't. They are hollow, pale and empty. You cannot even see the pain he must be in reflected in them. He doesn't look at you, he doesn't even know you are there, he has the thousand-yard stare of broken soldiers everywhere. His eyes close again.

All these years you had thought him either dead or, sometimes with hope, repatriated home as a POW after the war ended. Back where he belongs.

But no, he is here. Tortured and experimented on, all this time. It has been so long and the awful thought in your mind is, it is your fault, why didn't you let him die? Why didn't you fight more when they took him? Why didn't you...

"Is there a problem, Nurse?" asks one of the doctors.

You drag your eyes away from the patient and look at him. A guard tenses and shifts his stance, his finger on the trigger of his gun tightens and you swallow.

 _ _Concentrate.__

You shake your head no. "No problem" you say.

Do they know you have met him before? Do they know about his time in the field hospital when you attended him when he was first dragged there? Is this a game or just a horrible coincidence?

The doctor looks at you for a moment and then you are dismissed from his mind. You are just the next in a line of nurses that has been assigned to this project, and he won't even remember you. You are not important. You are small and insignificant, a cog in the machine marching on Hydra's orders.

The orderly is the young man who told you not to worry on your first night. He tells you that you are going with him and the patient. He seems to realise that you have had a shock but you don't see this at the time. You try to concentrate on what he is telling you, but you keep looking at the man on the trolley.

At James Barnes.

You follow him as he takes the patient back to his room, a guard follows. As you help manoeuvre the trolley down the corridor you can't take your eyes away from James. At one point when the trolley bumps over something he groans and you reach out to touch him but hesitate, and then withdraw your hand. If you touch him, it would make it real and you so badly want to think it is just a nightmare, that it can't be real, can't be true.

You stop outside of a room and the guard joins another one and remains outside. You help wheel the trolley inside and stop. The orderly goes to move the trolley to put the patient in the bed but you stop him.

The whole room is filthy and smells disgusting. There are no windows you can open, although there does appear to be some type of air conditioning in the corridors. Garbage and detritus lies everywhere. You look around. There is a table and chair: the table covered in papers, charts, pencils, half eaten plates of food, a partially filled jug of water and a cup.

A cabinet stands empty in the corner: one door missing and on the top bowls of what looks like liquidised food, some dried, some mouldy, a fly feeding off one of them. An old trolley stands in the other corner with what looks like old syringes, packets torn open, needles - some broken, used bandages, smears of blood, and other things you don't want to think about.

You look at the bed and swallow. It is the main source of the smell. The sheets are grey, encrusted with filth and God knows what. You can see that it has never been cleaned, never been made. You can't describe it, you have never seen anything like it. You go over and pick up the sheets and blankets and close your eyes. Faeces and urine matted into the sheets, blood and even skin.

On the sides attached to the bed are heavy buckled leather straps ingrained with blood.

 _ _The orderly watches her. He doesn't know what to say. How does he explain?__

 _ _He sees her jaw tighten as she looks at the bed, sees her hands clench. She turns to look back at him and he sees a look in her eyes and he knows it is trouble.__

"I am not putting him back in there. His wounds need seeing to. He needs cleaning...just...what the hell..." You stop, look around the room and then back at him. "Why?" you ask finally, it is all you can say and he knows what you are asking.

You are horrified. The patient is a human being, and you wouldn't let an animal suffer the way he is suffering. The orderly takes your arm and makes you look at him and tries to explain, tries to tell you this is the way it is. He tells you that the main group of nurses, some of the guards and all of the orderlies are convicts taken out of prisons, that most don't even have medical training. They know they are lucky to be here, and they will not risk that for anyone. If you make waves you will disappear.

You ask if that was meant to be a threat.

"No," he says. "I'm just trying to tell you what its like here."

You take a long look at him. He is not the type to make threats. You see a simple human being just trying to survive - but caring enough to warn you so you can survive too.

"What about you?" you ask.

"I too am from prison, I killed a man."

"Why?"

"He raped my sister. But he was high up in the __Sovnarkom__ and they didn't want to know what he had done. My sister killed herself out of shame."

You nod. You understand. You know how the world works.

"What did you do?" he asks.

"I didn't do anything. I'm a nurse, and my crime seems to be that I speak English. They wanted someone who can communicate with the patient and I seem to have gotten the job."

You look around the room again, and then at your patient, and then back at the orderly.

 _ _Thank God I did__ you think to yourself, the realisation of the situation dawning on you.

"Listen, I won't ask you to put yourself at risk, but this is my patient and I will treat him with respect and dignity. All I ask is that when you are working with me you do the same."

A silent agreement passes between the two of you.

"What would you like me to do?" he asks.

"Where is the nearest bathroom and toilet?"

"Down the corridor. He wouldn't make it, its too far."

"So..." you were going to ask what they do when he needs to urinate but it has all just clicked; they do nothing. "What about bed pans, supplies..."

"There are several cupboards full of things, sheets, items like that, but they are never used. Anything that can be pilfered is, but these things are not of interest. I can see what there is and bring it back for you."

You give him a verbal list of things you want him to fetch: clean sheets, towels, blankets, pillows and can he find someone to help him carry something.

"Wait. What pain medication does he have?"

The orderly's eyes grow wide, and he shakes his head. "None, he is prescribed morphine but...it is of value so..." he shrugs "the black market," he doesn't need to say any more.

You look down at the floor. You breathe deeply. You then look up at him.

"Could you at least get hold of... I don't know, some phenacetin? Anything we can give him whilst we wash him."

Stefan actually smiles."Leave it to me." This is something he can actually help you with, he appears to know just where and who to ask.

After he leaves, you take one of the pillows and turn it to the least filthy side to place under James' head. You get the cup and jug of water on the desk and try to wipe it as clean as you can and empty some of the water into it. You take it over to the trolley.

No one is with you for those few short moments. You speak to him, keeping your voice low, and you can hear the tremor in it. You know what they told you but you need to talk to him, you need to say his name.

"James, I need you to drink some water." You slide your hand under his neck as he looks at the cup. You can see the thirst in his eyes, and he grabs your hand to drink, closing his eyes as the water spills into his mouth. You want to say more, you want to ask him how he came to be here, you want to tell him how sorry you are, but you hear voices in the corridor.

Instead you put the cup down and tell him you are going to clean him and remake his bed.

The orderly comes in loaded with items and a guard follows.

The guard looks at you and moves closer. You tell him what you want him to do and expect an argument but instead he studies you and then nods. You have asked him to fetch one of the unused mattresses from the dormitory you are sleeping in and some clean pillows. Meanwhile could someone get rid of the mattress currently in the room? You are used to talking to soldiers. It is going to take you a while to learn who is who, but you think you can already trust the orderly with you: if he chose this guard then you feel you can trust him too.

You pray you are right.

When the guard has left, the orderly passes you a small envelope with white pills in. You recognise them. Phenacetin, you have given out many in your lifetime. They some times have side effects, but in this instance it is the only option you have and somehow you think they will be the least of James' problems.

The orderly leaves to catch up with the guard. You return to James and, taking up the water again, you persuade him to take three of the tablets. They will take time to work and only be of a small help but it is all you have to give him. You put the rest in your pocket for later. He is so tired he barely takes in what is happening.

The men return with a clean mattress. Whilst they see to the bed, you slip out of the room and head in the same direction they went, on a mission of your own. You are worried that it may take a while but your fears are unfounded. You have a moments hesitation as you approach the gate but your pass gets you past the guards.

You head back to your dormitory and you pray there is no one there, for once someone is on your side, the room is empty. You disappear into the bathroom where you take your toothbrush and tube of Kalodont, then you pilfer soap and shampoo, a brush, scissors and anything else you can get your hands on. You also find a jug and a clean cup. Nowhere in the many rules you were given did it say you couldn't borrow or steal. On your way out you take two of the soft flannelette sheets from the dormitory store cupboard.

Reaching the third floor again you find another trolley and bowls, which you fill with warm water from the shower room down the corridor from the patient's room. Not very sterile but better than nothing.

You make your way back to the patient's room and put the trolley next to the one James is on.

You look at him, and he actually puts his hand out to touch you. The look he gives you is heart breaking. You put your hand over his and then reach out and touch his cheek.

You lay James' hand back down on the trolley, trying to smile at him. You have tears in your eyes and to cover this, you take up the new jug and pour him some fresh water. You help him drink from it again. His eyes don't leave you.

You think he recognises you, but you can't be sure. You cannot ask him with so many people in and out of the room, you cannot open up a line of communication with him unless you can prove it is to do with his care. You will be of no use to him if you are caught and removed before you can do any good.

Your feelings well up. You want to protect him, take him away from here, make him well. The orderly coughs behind you and asks you a question, bringing you back down to earth.

You go back over to the bed and instruct the orderly on how you want the new bed made up. It looks as though he is going to argue with you and you know what he is going to say: it is a waste of time, as soon as your shift ends things will go back to what they were, no one else will clean the bed, clean the patient. But you just look at him and he turns to do what you have asked. You are hoping a combination of a rubber sheet and several blankets will absorb any mess and then these you can get rid of when you are next on duty. It may help keep the new mattress clean.

You also ask him to see if he can clean up the leather restraints. You know he won't be able to get the blood out but at least he can get some of the sticky residue off.

Before you go back to James you take a moment to ask the orderly quietly what his name is.

He smiles at you and actually holds out his hand to shake yours.

"Stefan...Stefan Yegorov."

You take his hand.

"Freya Bowman," you say.

You have made your first friend.

"Freya," Stefan whispers and you look at him. The older guard has left the room but there are still the two stationed outside.

"You know him, don't you? I heard you call him by a name."

You look at him and he tries to smile again, but you see concern in his eyes.

You have to trust someone, so you nod.

"Be careful. Don't use his name when there are other people about, it will get you killed. We are not supposed to know anything about him."

You nod again showing you understand, and then turn back to your patient. So much to think about. You are going to have to really watch your step.

"When you have finished could you give me a hand to clean him?" you ask, and Stefan nods.

You are on auto pilot now. This is your patient. You are his nurse.

You touch James' shoulder and when you have his attention you tell him you are going to cut his hair and then bathe him.

You start to cut it at the back, it is matted almost like a blanket, greasy, filthy, thick with God knows what.

You need to cut out quite a bit and then when you have you brush through what is left. You leave his hair as long as you can but not so long that it will tangle so easily in the future. You remember how he had it when you first saw him, but you are not a hairdresser, you would have no idea on style. Looking at him now and remembering makes your stomach clench when you think about how long ago that was, how long that means he has been here.

As you begin to wet the hair the smell coming off it is terrible. You have checked his scalp and although there are scars you cannot see any open wounds so you use the pilfered shampoo; a little at a time, rinsing and washing, then massaging his scalp watching as his body slowly begins to relax, his eyes close.

Stefan comes over and asks you if you want him to shave the patient, you nod.

"I thought he would be bearded," you say.

Stefan shakes his head. "One of the things the doctors insist on, keeping him more or less shaved, I don't know why, maybe they think it is civilised," he shrugs his shoulders.

When he has finished you wash James' face and neck. You wipe carefully around his closed eyes. You clean up a sore point on the side of his head where you think may have used some type of electrodes. His ears have obviously bled at some point, and you are as careful as you can be to clean them.

You then move him slightly and put one of the new pillows under his head.

At first you think James has fallen asleep, but then you realise he has opened his eyes and is looking at you. Those beautiful blue eyes, full of so much pain.

You pick up the scissors again and gently touch the hospital gown.

"I need to cut this away to see to your wounds. Is that all right?" you ask, and you see panic in his eyes.

He actually brings his hand up and puts his arm across the dirty gown to stop you.

"I need to do this to help you. I need to get you clean." You lay your hand on his shoulder and he tries to say something to you but his voice is so quiet you can't hear what he says. He closes his eyes briefly then you watch as he tries to talk again.

"I'm dirty," he says - his voice full of shame which makes you want to sob.

You take his hand. "I know, but it's not your fault. This will help you feel better. Let me, if it hurts just tell me to stop and I promise I will until you are ready again, I won't do anything you don't want me to." You will not violate his privacy, you will wait for him to agree, to give his permission.

He does. But he turns his head away from you and closes his eyes.

You cut away the gown, each inch of flesh reveals what he has been through. You see so many different wounds, festering flesh, scars you remember - but so many new ones. What have they been doing to him? Burns, patches of skin trying to grow over diseased flesh. You can feel the heat coming from him more as the gown comes away. You remember that strange heat from the field hospital. You could see the lower part of his legs before and the sores but now you try not to react to the top of his legs, to the mess around his genitals.

Quickly, you grab up a sheet and lay it over the bottom half of his body.

Your hands are trembling. You feel sick. You need to calm down; you need to be here for him, to help him. You have seen bad wounds before but this is torture, it can be nothing else. Nothing makes sense.

Why would they be torturing him after all this time?

Stefan and the guard have come back in and you look at them trying not to let them see the tears in your eyes, the shock on your face.

"Do you have an infirmary here?" you ask the guard and he nods.

"I need you to go there and ask the camp doctor if he can let you have some things." You are writing something down on a scrap of paper as you talk.

You look up and he is studying you again.

"Do you want me to show you why I need them?" you ask, and he sees the determined look in your eyes. He doesn't say anything but holds his hand out for the paper.

You have asked for salves for bed sores, creams for open wounds, sterile bandages, saline solution, silk suture, needles, anything you think might help.

When he has gone you ask Stefan who the guard is.

"His name is Eduard Marinov," he says.

"He seems decent?" your tone is questioning and Stefan nods.

"Not bad. He is Hydra but I think he is trustworthy, he's...helped me with the patient before,"

You nod, filing the name away for the future.

Stefan goes to change the water, and when he returns helps you tear the flannelette sheets up into cloths you can use. He looks at you and holds the sheets up grinning and you can't help but smile, he has guessed where you pilfered them from. He works on cleaning the grime on James' right arm, carefully working around the flesh still puffy from where the patient had previously hurt himself. He then moves on to his chest whilst you concentrate on the wounds on his belly.

As you clean each wound you ask Stefan what caused them. From that you learn some of the burns are from the machinery in the main room and some are from special batons carried by a few of the guards and most of the orderlies.

You notice Stefan doesn't carry one.

"What are they for? Surely not self defence! What on earth could Ja- __he__ do to them in his state?"

"They are to ensure the co-operation of the patient," he says as if by rote, "and to punish him when they feel he has done something wrong."

"Wrong?"

"Wetting the bed, screaming in pain. Freya, it is very... _ _difficult__ here for him. They hate him, to them he is an __Amerikanskiy svin'y,__ an American pig, no more. They have no compassion, they are murderers, thieves, worse."

You look back down at what you are doing, your jaw clenching. Things will change. You won't allow this to continue even if you have to hurt someone yourself. You know you cannot stop this over night, it will take a while - but you will make sure you get into a position of trust and then this will stop.

There are old scars you recognise from the bullet wounds at the field camp, but also you have started to notice that some of the wounds are from where the skin has seemed to split open. Stefan tries to explain what he has seen, he talks quietly. It is to do with the liquid they inject into the patient and the doses of radiation, it seems to make the patient's bones grow and that splits the skin.

He doesn't understand it, and neither do you.

"I don"t understand. Is it torture? Is that what they are doing?"

Stefan glances at the door but there doesn't seem to be anyone that can hear them if they talk quietly.

"I don't think so. More..." he searches for the right word "experimentation. You feel the heat? That seems to mean his body is trying to repair itself but there are times when it seems to also be tearing him apart inside. I don't understand what they say but I think they are trying to...I don't know, improve his body somehow." Stefan shrugs his shoulders to show his bewilderment.

You are quiet until your come to a scar on his belly that seems to be have been caused by a particularly nasty burn and has been operated on. "And this one?" It has healed but where the skin is thin and with the stress the patient's body is under, small strands of it have split open and become infected.

"He has tried to kill himself several times," Stefan says quietly. He indicates James right arm, mixed in with needle marks and where the drip has been inserted is a scar showing a line of what looks like stitching, going from wrist to just below the arm pit.

"That," he nods to the stomach wound, "he rammed a shock baton on full charge into his stomach. It burnt right through to his organs. He should have died, it was bad." That is all Stefan needs to say for you to imagine the pain and torment. You clean his abdomen and feel James' body tense as you go slightly further down but you stop and for now that is as far as you go.

"Its all right James. We will try not to hurt you." You gently stroke his forehead. You are building a picture of what life here is like and your heart goes out to him. He must have been in so much pain for so long. The doctors torturing him with their serums and experiments, the nursing staff taunting and torturing him for their entertainment. They are all as bad as each other and you feel a hatred for them all starting in your gut.

You turn your attention to one of the worst areas, his left arm. The end of the stub is sore and weeping, the black cotton is barely keeping the flesh together, its not even proper surgical suture. Stefan tells you that they are always opening the stub up and probing the area, sending electricity through it. Again he does not understand the thoughts behind the experiments he just knows that they make the patient scream so badly he is hoarse by the end of it. You clean around the area as much as you can, this is why you have asked for the saline solution, you need to clean the open wounds with it before you can dress them properly.

You don't know whether to replace the black cotton with the suture you have asked for if they are going to reopen the wound tomorrow. It may just cause more damage to try and mend it now. You begin to doubt your own ability, back in the field camp it was easier, there were always doctors on call and you were on automatic pilot, but now, now you are alone and you feel you have no one to ask for help. Stefan is good, does what you ask but he has no medical experience, none of the nursing staff do either, the doctors are more scientists than healers, who do you ask?

You are beginning to feel warm. It is not just the stuffiness of the room but the warmth coming from James' body. There is also a small ball of panic starting in your chest. Can you do this? What if you do the wrong thing and cause him more pain? You also want to ask Stefan more but you know you need to bide your time, too much at once and he may back away from you and you need to keep him on your side. You wipe your brow with your arm. Looking back at the stub of James' left arm how can you make sense of what is left of the skin. There is hardly any intact, the stitches in some places are holding nothing. You can see the bone, see that at the end of it there is hardly any marrow and there is a thin trickle of liquid indicating that what marrow there is, is infected.

For moment it feels like it is too much for you to handle.

"Stefan, you couldn't get some water for me to drink could you?" you ask, trying to buy time whilst you think and try to pull yourself together. When he comes back with a fresh cup you take a drink then you set to work. You will ask one of the doctors if it is possible in the future that they will allow you to sew the stub once they are finished, you can then use the proper suture.

You need to do his back next. You touch James' shoulder. He has been so quiet. A few times you have heard an indrawn breath and felt his body twitch as something stings or hurts so badly he can't help but move.

"How are you doing? We are going to turn you on your side so I can wash your back, is that all right?" you wait for him to nod and then with Stefan's help you turn him onto his right side.

There are bed sores on his shoulder blades and burns on his back. You deal with these first.

You turn your attention to the other marks you don't understand, striations which are not healing and keep pulling open. At first you think they are where the skin has split but they are so puffy, so infected.

You ask Stefan if he knows what caused them and his face flushes.

He looks away from you."The others, they punished him."

"Punished?"

"For killing the orderly."

You don't say anything. He continues.

"They took him to the shower room, poured bleach over him and scrubbed at his skin with those hard bristled brooms, you know the ones? His back won't heal, I think it took the brunt of it."

You close your eyes.

Bleach. They poured bleach on him.

You grit your teeth and when you look back at Stefan he can see murder in your eyes.

"How? How can the doctors let it happen? How can anyone be that cruel, that evil?"

He knows it is not really a question. "You can't do anything about it, you don't understand what it is like here. Listen to me, in a few days you will understand more. The doctors don't care how he is treated as long as they can do whatever it is they do to him. They never see him except when he is in the main room. The others, if they think you are causing trouble they will kill you. I am not exaggerating. "

"Why did he kill the orderly?" you ask quietly, and you don't think Stefan is going to answer you.

"Stefan?"

"I'm not sure but I think the orderly and some guards...raped him, I don't know for sure, I wasn't there, I only overheard some things later."

You say nothing. You don't trust yourself to.

You rinse the cloth and start to clean lower. The stench is awful and you breath through your nose. The food they give him must cause bouts of diarrhoea and it is never cleaned away properly. You soak the area, clean, soak the area, clean. You feel him flinch and for a moment you stop and put your hand on his shoulder. What must it be like at the front of his body? How are you going to clean him there? You begin again and clean as much as you can, the area is sore and you don't want to scrub but he is clean enough.

You pat the area dry and then fold and put a soft towel under there for now until you can dress some of the wounds. Stefan helps you move him onto his back just as the guard is returning.

He has everything you asked for and you thank him. He leaves, and you put the jars and other things on top of a towel you have laid out on the bedside cabinet. Stefan says he will change the water again. You need to tear up some more cloths, the ones you were using are no good any more.

Stefan returns and you are ready now to do the next part.

"James," you say quietly and he opens his eyes.

"James I need to clean between your legs. I'm sorry but I have to." You try to be as persuasive as you can because you know he doesn't want you to touch him there. His eyes widen and he shakes his head. No. He closes his eyes and again he lifts his hand and puts it over his body but this time he also tries to do the same with his left one and you see him flinch with the pain. He can't move it far enough and you feel so helpless as what is left of the arm moves but won't do what he wants to do, which is protect himself.

You breathe deeply. You take hold of the stub and gently lay it back down, keeping your hand lightly on it.

"James, there are sores on the inside of your thighs and around that area. They must be agony for you. I need to clean you. I'm a nurse, I've done this before, please let me help you, please trust me." You watch as tears run from under his eye lids and your own eyes water, your throat thickens.

He is breathing fast, his nostrils flare and he keeps shaking his head no, making a terrible fretful noise that breaks your heart.

You turn to Stefan.

"Can you leave us alone?" you ask.

He hesitates, he is not supposed to leave you on your own with the patient when the patient is not restrained.

"Please, just outside the door?" you say quietly.

He nods and then leaves and as he walks out of the door he pulls it to, he dare not close it but for now it is as much privacy as he can give you.

"James I know you feel you can't trust anyone but you can trust me. I can see what they have done to you, I see the injuries, I'm a nurse, I have dealt with mens injuries before. Being clean will make you feel better, it will make you feel human again. I do understand please believe me...please trust me."

You stroke his hair and wait.

He doesn't answer. You can see he is trying so hard not to sob. He opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling as tears roll down his face, you watch him gulp. You continue to stroke his hair, your other hand gently stroking the skin on the underside of his left arm, the only part of it not sliced open by the doctors. You let him cry. You watch his face, those beautiful blue eyes, the eyelashes against his pale skin. How can this have happened to him? It is all your fault. You should have let him die at the camp.

"I'm sorry," he says just as in your mind you are saying those words to him.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

Then he is looking at you, he lifts his hand away from his body and tries to wipe his cheeks dry. You know he is letting you do what you need to do.

"I'll be as quick as I can. if you want me to stop just say."

He closes his eyes as you place a sheet over his chest. His right hand clenches and you see him take a deep breath. You don't remove the bottom sheet but instead you push it up.

You swallow.

The whole area is red and swollen, blood and pus ooze from sores on the inside of his thighs and the smell is so bad you think you are going to vomit. His pubic hair is matted with faeces, dried urine, blood and pus. You turn away and soak a cloth in the bowl and then looking at him once more you move his left leg so it bends slightly away from you. You then do the same with his right leg bending it towards you.

The scissors are still on the trolley, you wish you had some way of sterilising them but you don't. Very carefully so you don't knick his skin you cut away the hair, you rinse your fingers in one of the bowls and use the cloth to gently clean the area. You can't cut the hair to close because you don't want the ends to aggravate the skin. You try to do this as fast as you can because you know he is struggling.

You clean the area moving downwards, gently holding his penis and testicles in your hand as you clean those. His whole body has tensed and his right hand is so clenched you know his finger nails will have broken the skin of his palm. You clean underneath, snipping away the hair until the whole area is clean. There are several sores which you will need to use cream on.

Then you begin to clean the inside of his thighs, skin actually sloughs off and you gulp. In your time as a nurse you can count on one hand how many times you have been sick in the course of dressing a patients wounds.

But this is so much more personal. This is James.

You breath through your nose. __Don't be sick, you can do this.__

You can hear his laboured breathing, there is no way the pain killers you gave him will help with this type of pain at all but he doesn't utter a word.

"I've nearly finished just bear with me for a few more minutes," you say and go to fetch some salve. You put it on the wounds where you can and then straighten his legs. You pull the sheet over him and then wash your hands to give him time to compose himself.

You then move and place your hand on his shoulder but you do not say anything. He looks at you his eyes so wide, you can see the pain he is in, the humiliation he feels and there is nothing you can do to end it, what can you say? You have no idea of what he has gone through during the last few years, what has been done to him and you can't promise him an end to it. Your mind is still struggling with the shock of finding him here.

You are aware of voices out in the corridor and you know time has run out. You need to let Stefan back in before anyone starts to wonder why he isn't with you.

Stefan replaces the water for you and then you both clean the bottom of James' legs and his feet. You clip his toe nails trying not to cut the skin where they have grown long and almost into the ends of the toes themselves. It reminds you to check the nails on his right hand and you return to it now and slowly get him to unclench it. The nails there are jagged and you smooth them off and then wash his palm where they have sliced into the skin, you add some salve. Is there anywhere on his poor body that there is not an injury?

"We just need to add some salve to your back and then we're finished and we can let you sleep."

You and Stefan are as quick as you can be and then you finish up by dressing him in a clean gown. He is finished, his skin pale, black bags under his eyes and he looks so tired but he tries to smile. It is one of the saddest things you have ever seen.

Before you move him to the bed you get a glass of clean water, a dish and your toothbrush and Kalodont. You help him to sit up on the trolley. Stefan keeps his hand in the middle of James' back to help him stay up.

"You don't mind us sharing do you?" And you hold the things up for James to see. Such a small thing but it nearly undoes him and you pretend not to notice whilst you squeeze some of the toothpaste onto the toothbrush and give it to him to clean his teeth with.

"Spit into here." You indicate the bowl and he brushes using the glass of water. Afterwards you tuck the brush and paste into your pocket so you don't forget to take it back with you.

"Clean," he mumbles.

"Clean," you agree.

You give him some more water to drink and then move him into the bed. He tries to help you, wincing as his body touches the mattress.

"Stefan what do we do about his meals?" you ask and Stefan gestures to the bowls on the side. You walk over and look at them, your nose curling at the smell.

"Jesus," you whisper.

"We are supposed to give him a bowl twice a day but, he doesn't eat it and so they leave it until the next day, or the one after that, even when its new its usually cold and..." he stops.

"And?"

"And they show him when they spit in it and then try to make him eat it...it just makes him vomit, gives him diarrhoea..." Stefan looks at the patient and then back at you "I honesty don't know sometimes how he survives on the little he eats and that is only because they..." he ducks his head "...force feed him."

You own stomach heaves and you hear a noise, you both turn and James is trying to say no. There is panic in his eyes, he thinks you are going to make him eat it.

"Too tired, not hungry," he tries to tell you. You return to his bedside. He is shaking his head and you pat his shoulder. "You don't have to eat it, we won't make you I promise." You will worry about food later. You need to get him on the drip, you need to let him sleep, he is exhausted.

You do not strap him down. He is in no fit state to move yet alone try and escape.

"The morphine, where is it normally kept?" you ask Stefan.

He blushes, and you know he knows where there is a supply. "Wait a moment," you say.

You start the saline solution drip for hydration and then ask him to show you where the morphine is kept. You tell James you will be back and then you and Stefan head to where the morphine is filched from. There is a supply that hasn't been taken yet so you take well over half of it and work out a place with him that you can keep it hidden so you can use it when you are on duty.

You take some back with you and inject it into the drip.

Although James is so tired, you can see from the way his body is tensed, the uneven way he is breathing he is in a lot of pain and you know the moment the morphine hits his bloodstream and you see his body begin to relax. Stefan goes to use the restraints attached to the bed but you tell him they will not be necessary. From the marks and scarring on the patients upper arms you can tell how tight the restraints have been kept in the past.

He hesitates. "But it is a rule."

"I can imagine. We need to let him sleep on his side to take pressure of those sores, if anyone asks just tell them that is what I said, its a legitimate reason."

You touch James' shoulder.

"James, later I will need to put the straps on but for now I want you to move onto your left side, is that all right with you?"

He can barely open his eyes, but he nods - and you and Stefan move him over making sure that his left arm is not trapped under him. His right arm you leave settled over his chest so the drip can continue to feed its much needed contents into his body.

You turn and look around the room.

"Can you get some bags we can use to put all this rubbish in?" you ask Stefan.

"I can do more than that, I can get a cup of something hot to drink as well," Stefan smiles at you and you burst into tears which startles both you and him.

"Hey...hey its not that bad," he tries to joke, patting you on the shoulder.

You are crying quietly. You don't want to wake James. You had no idea you were going to cry and you find it difficult to speak. Stefan pats his pockets and then turns and grabs a piece of the flannelette cloth you haven't used and hands it to you.

You nod your thanks and try to pull yourself together.

"Back in a moment," he smiles at you, and leaves the room.

As you dry your eyes, you begin to walk around the room picking up rubbish and debris and putting it all in a pile. The last few days have been hard for you, but not as hard as finding James here. By the time Stefan returns with the bags and the promised hot drink, you are more yourself and you both start putting everything you can find into the bags. Stefan wheels the trolleys out and then returns with one of them and fresh water and you both clean down as many surfaces as you can. By the time you are finished you are both in need of a rest.

The room does not look much better but it is cleaner. All the food, dishes and rubbish have been placed in the sacks and Stefan will wheel them to the incinerator room later. But for now you both sit quietly, both keeping your thoughts to yourselves. You realise that Stefan is one of those people who other people find relaxing to be with. There is no pressure in his company and you feel he is going to make a good friend.

You look over at James. He has pulled his legs up and is curled up on his side. His face looks relaxed, his hair shorter, cleaner but you know what his hospital gown and the blankets are hiding.

Stefan looks at his watch. It is 3pm already, you have both missed lunch. You tell him you are not hungry and to go ahead and get something, you will work through the paperwork on the table. Stefan looks over at James and you know he is worried about leaving you alone as James is not strapped down, but he can see he is out for the count. There is certainly no danger of anything happening. He promises to come back and relieve you at 4pm to give you a chance to eat and stretch your legs.

You go over to the table and chair and sit down. Paperwork is strewn on the top the desk and before he goes he shows you the charts you are to complete and the regular checks you are expected to make, some make sense, some do not - but you pay attention, you don't want to get anything wrong.

The next hour goes quietly. You check James regularly and you can see that his sleep is deep and he doesn't seem to be dreaming. To see him this way hurts so much and inside you feel sick. Every so often one of the guards outside the room checks in with you. The door is left open so if any problems arise they will hear immediately.

At 4pm Stefan reappears to cover for you and then half an hour later you are back in the room. You had no appetite, you could not eat so you bring a mug of hot soup back with you to keep you going. Stefan takes the opportunity to start taking the rubbish you have both piled outside the door away.

You look at the warm soup. You don't think you could stomach it, not after what you have seen today, but when you smell the soup you suddenly think of James. The soup is minestrone and you know the taste is good, perhaps you can get him to drink some of it.

You put the soup on the side table next to the bed and also pour a fresh cup of water. Then gently you put your hand on his shoulder and shake him.

"James." You keep your voice quiet and level so as not to scare him but you still see utter panic when his eyes open. He trembles and you can see his breathing start to hitch.

"Its all right...its all right," you try to reassure him. When he sees it's you the panic begins to leave and instead he tries to smile.

"I thought I dreamt you," he says, his voice barely makes a sound. You help him move, help him to sit up making sure the drip stays disentangled and his left arm is comfortable.

You smile and move to sit on the bed reaching out to stroke some hair away from his eyes.

"I have some soup I would like you to try and drink."

Wariness creeps into is eyes.

"Its part of my lunch, not...not what they usually give you."

You pick up the mug and hold it so he can see and smell it. He doesn't say anything but you actually hear his stomach gurgle.

"Sign of approval," and you laugh, you can't help it. "Minestrone."

He still just looks at it so you take a sip and then offer it to him. He hesitantly reaches for it and you help him until he then moves forward and sips from the mug. His eyes close and when you tilt the mug away you can see he has taken some.

"Nice?" you ask.

In response he moves your hand forward again and drinks some more. It takes him a while but he drinks all of it and whilst doing so Stefan comes back in and sees what you are doing. He doesn't say anything.

When James has finished he sits back against the bed, pale, but his cheeks are flushed. You know there is a chance he may bring it all back up again but he needs to take in food and you don't know how else to get him to eat.

"Water?" you ask and you help him drink, warning him not to take too much on top of the soup.

You have less than an hour of your shift left and you know when the next nurse comes on duty James will need to be strapped in. You hate the idea but you know it has to be that way. You have to obey the rules until you settle in, until they learn to trust you and then you can start trying to change things permanently.

"I'm sorry but I'll have to put the straps back on," you say.

He looks away from you. But nods, he understands.

"Before we do though do you need to relieve yourself?" You are ever the nurse and he turns to look at you again, wide eyed, and then looks down at the bed clothes. "I can't take you to the toilet. I don't think you would make it but we do have..." You see his embarrassment and think fast "...a bedpan Stefan can help you with," you finish up.

For a moment he doesn't move but then he looks back at you and tries to smile and all you want to do is reach over and hug him.

Instead you stand up and turn to Stefan.

"Is that all right?" you ask."I'll wait outside," you add and with that you quickly leave the room. You have helped hundreds of bedridden men pee in your time, but this one needs to start having his dignity given back to him and if you can, you will in any way possible.

After they finish, Stefan helps you strap James down but you keep the bindings loose. You know the next nurse will tighten them and it breaks your heart.

James is one step away from being asleep. You change the IV bag and inject another does of morphine into the drip.

"I won't be here when you wake but I will be back. I promise," you tell him and you are not sure if he has taken in what you are saying as within seconds he is asleep again.

At the end of your shift another nurse comes to takes your place. She immediately sees the clean room, the clean bed, and bristles, her mouth tightens - but before you can say anything the older guard that helped you earlier walks in. He is angry, annoyed and tells both of you to come out into the corridor.

In front of the other guards, you both stand there and you listen in awe as he disciplines you both.

"I have had enough of spending my shift having to put up with the disgusting smell coming from the American's room so..." he points at you whilst looking at the other woman "...I have told this one I am not much pleased by it. I've had to spend all day telling her to clean him up, to clean the pigsty of a room before I will spend any more of my time in there."

Neither of you move.

"Do you understand, or do I have to repeat myself?" he bellows and you both jump.

You both nod.

You can't believe it, he has covered for you and Stefan.

"I hope so!" he growls, and then dismisses you both, walking off down the corridor.

You exchange looks and the other woman laughs shakily.

"You should have seen him, he was apoplectic earlier!" you whisper consiprationally. "I thought he was going to have a heart attack."

You are trying not to smile. She believes you, and more importantly she believes him.

You show her the paperwork you have filled in, but you can see she is not interested. She tells you that you will be called for if you are needed, and that you are dismissed until tomorrow. Suddenly nothing seems humorous any more. You want to stay, you want to tell her that if she hurts him in any way you will kill her, you don't want to leave James but you have to.

You have no option other than to return to the dormitory, tired, worn out, exhausted.

This morning you did not think anything could get any worse. You were so wrong.

When you reach the dormitory two woman are shouting at each other. Stefan is lying on his bunk and pretends to ignore you. You listen to the argument. One of the women is accusing the other of stealing her things, her shampoo, scissors, even her __god-damn brush__ and you duck your head so they don't see you smile.

You are going to take a shower and then drop into bed and hopefully sleep. Those are your plans, but when the last light is turned out you are still awake, your eyes feel like they are full of grit, your stomach hurts. Thoughts are going around and around in your mind, thoughts of James in the field camp, thoughts of what has happened to him, of what Stefan has told you.

Below you somewhere is James. Is he awake? Is he in pain? You know the other nurse will have turned off the drip, will have tightened the straps.

Finally, exhausted, your mind cannot take any more. You curl up in the bed, and cry yourself to sleep quietly with your blanket stuffed in your mouth so the others do not hear you.

 **...**

 ** **Part Two****

 ** **James Barnes - The Patient****

The doctors have been working on what remains of his left arm. The stub is causing problems. They keep reopening it to see if they can run electrical currents through it, and if so what nerves are sensitive to them.

 _ _Why? Why can't they just leave it alone? Why can't they just leave me alone? Please let them leave me alone, please God no more.__

One of the doctors stitches the wound up with thick black cotton, not caring that the skin is splitting, or that not all of the flesh and bone is even covered. After all they will probably have to reopen it the next day. The marrow in the bone is degenerating faster than Zola's malfunctioning serum can repair it. Each time the probes are forced into the open bone, it causes agony for James but they take no notice. It is work that must be carried out.

Afterwards though, one of them may be kind enough to remember to ask the nurse to increase James' pain medication for that day. Of course, the nurses agree and nothing is done.

James is exhausted. He is lying on a table in the Main Room, praying they have finished with him for today. His nerves are torn to shreds, his bones ache, he has already vomited and he can smell the stink of the burns on his body. His skin itches like mad.

He tries to think of Steve and home. He closes his eyes and tries to pretend the noises around him are of elsewhere. Tries to pretend that the left hand he does not have any more isn't hurting so much he wants to tear it off. Doesn't want to see the flesh sewn and puffy from the latest round of tests. He has stopped asking why they are so concerned with the stump, why they won't leave it alone. They never answer him, they don't even know or care what it is he is begging them about.

Two guards jostle him as they move him from the table to the trolley and he can't help but groan as the pain shoots through him. They have not done it deliberately - to these guards, he is dead meat. They wrinkle their noses at the smell of him and move away to allow the new nurse access. James keeps his eyes closed. He has seen enough for today, he doesn't want to think any more, doesn't want to have to take any more deep breathes. Doesn't want to grit his teeth to stop himself from crying out and begging them to stop.

He hears someone gasp and opens his eyes, but doesn't see the new nurse; she is behind him. He is still desperately trying to lose himself anywhere but here. His eyes have a thousand-yard stare, they see nothing.

Stefan looks at the new nurse. He is sure he saw a flash of something in her eyes when she saw the patient. Maybe it is just the state of him, the open wounds, the smell of his burnt flesh. Maybe it is just horror and pity. He is hoping this new nurse will help the patient. She knows the English language and seems different from the other staff. There is compassion in her eyes.

Her gaze does not leave the patient all the way back to the room. There is such shock in them. It is as if someone has taken her world and smashed it to pieces. She has gone pale and he can see she is breathing rapidly. She put her hand out once to touch the American and then hesitated and withdrew it, but not before he saw how her hand was trembling.

When they get back to the room, James is aware that the nurse and orderly are talking in low voices. She sounds familiar but he is too tired to wonder why. As they talk, the tone of her voice grows angry and he starts to worry. Has he done something wrong? Is he about to be punished? __Please don't use the baton,__ he prays.

Instead of being transferred to the bed he is kept on the trolley and he feels it moved to the side of the room and a pillow is placed gently under his head. He opens his eyes and sees her. She is talking and he doesn't know the words are directed at him until he realises he understands them. That accent, those words, he knows them. He has heard her talk before but his mind cannot keep hold of the thought.

"James, I need you to drink some water," her voice is quiet, gentle. She bends over him and as he looks at her she gently slips her hand under his neck to help him so he can drink from the cup she is holding.

Those eyes, he knows them. He has seen them before.

She helps him to drink. The water is a godsend, cool. She then puts the cup down.

"We're going to change the bed first and then I'll try and clean you up a bit." She tries to smile at him but he can see pain and tears in her eyes. She turns away as the orderly comes back into the room piled high with clean sheets, pillows, blankets and a guard in tow.

James knows her. He is sure he does, and she called him by his name.

Then he sees it.

Scooped up at the back but just as long as before. The thick blond plait. She is the nurse from the field camp. He swallows, and for the first time he feels a small amount of hope. He struggles to keep his eyes open and focused as she comes back to him and touches his shoulder.

"Can you take these for me? They may help with the pain." She helps him drink again and gives him tablets to swallow. She makes sure they have gone down before allowing him to lie back down. His body is aching. He wants to talk to her but she moves away saying "I won't be a minute," and then he watches as she leaves the room after talking with the guard.

Whilst she is away, Stefan and the guard remove the bedding and the mattress. He can smell it from where he lies. Months of dirt, urine and worse. The guard is the older one from before and he takes it in his stride and makes no comment.

Two more guards come in carrying a clean mattress. They lay it down on the bed frame before glancing at him, a look of shock on their faces as they leave. He gulps, what were they thinking? Looking at the freak, looking at the coward? Because that is how he sees himself.

They are not thinking that. These guards are Russian ex-soldiers. They are not from the Gulag and are not usually on duty here so this is the first time they have seen what is happening. They are horrified at the state of him. At what is being done.

The nurse returns with another smaller trolley, it has several bowls of water, cloths and a jug. She manoeuvres it so it is next to him.

He reaches out to touch her, suddenly unsure if she is real or not. It stops her in her tracks. He watches her bite her lip, he does not know of the feelings that are over whelming her. She gently runs her hand down his cheek and again tries to smile at him. There are tears threatening in her eyes. She pours some of the fresh water from the jug into the cup again and encourages him to drink.

Stefan watches and realises there is something there between them. She knows him that much is obvious. And he knows her.

"How do you want me to do this?" he asks, mainly to remind them that there are other people coming in and out of the room. The nurse starts and then moves away and over to the bed. She looks at what Stefan has brought with him. He is sure she is close to crying and is struggling. She clears her throat and pretends to look through what he has brought in.

"Rubber sheet. Then could you put several blankets over it, two sheets, then sheet and blankets. Its quite stuffy in here so I think he will be warm enough. Maybe fold a spare one over at the bottom of the bed just in case."

"You know the others won't -"

She looks at him, her face hardening, and he stops mid-sentence.

He holds his hands up. "Okay."

Whilst he works on the bed, she returns to the patient and James watches as she picks up a pair of scissors.

"I'm just going to cut some of the matted hair out. It won't hurt. I just need to move you slightly so I can get at it." He feels her hands under his armpits as she helps him move up the trolley a bit and she uses the pillow to rest him on. As he moves he feels parts of his skin stretch and he bites his lip to stop from crying out. She is so gentle but he is so damaged that everything will hurt him.

She moves around the trolley he is laying on and he feels her hands, gentle on his head, and then the slight tug of the scissors as she starts to cut away his hair.

This is the first time it has been cut since he can remember. It is so long. It took a while to grow back after they had hacked it all off at the interrogation camp.

 _ _So how long have I been here?__ he thinks. The hair is filthy, matted, greasy and cutting it takes her a while. He closes his eyes, tries to breathe and just listen to the quietness around him, for the first time in a long time he feels a calmness in the room despite people moving around in it. When she has finished she uses a brush to comb out the hair left, careful not to tug at his scalp. Then she moves the trolley with the bowls and places several towels padded up around his shoulders, then one folded under his head.

James hears her rinse something in the bowl and then feels her hands stroking his hair downwards followed by the wet sponge. She moves the sponge downwards so that his hair is gently pulled away from his face. He feels her stop a few times and hears the snip of the scissors and then she starts again until he feels his hair is thoroughly wet. He can feel the warmth of the water on his scalp and he relaxes into her touch as she cleans his hair feeling her hands gently massage shampoo in. He breathes in the pleasant smell and has to clench his fist as he thinks briefly of home.

He hears the orderly come over to talk to her. Then whilst she finishes washing his hair, the orderly shaves the stubble of his face.

Next she gently wipes his face and neck, cleaning away months, maybe __years__ of grime.

He has almost fallen asleep when it goes quiet and he opens his eyes. She has towel dried his hair and then removed the towels around his shoulders.

"Just get you more comfortable again." She helps him move down and changes the pillow under his head.

"I need to cut this away to see...to see your wounds, is that all right?" she asks, and he realises she is talking about his gown.

His heart starts to hammer. He knows how he smells, he knows how dirty and unkempt his body is. He doesn't want her to see his body, doesn't want to because he feels ashamed. He can't help but clutch at the gown.

"I need to do this to help you, I need to help you get clean." She lays her hand on his shoulder.

He tries to talk to her and she smiles at him but his voice is hoarse and not all of his words make sense. He closes his eyes and then opens them and tries again, trying to keep it simple so his fogged brain can cope with the words.

"I'm dirty." His voice is rusty, full of the shame he feels.

She touches his cheek.

"I know, I know, but that's not your fault. This will help you feel better James. Please let me, if it hurts just tell me to stop and I will until you are ready again, I won't do anything you don't want me to." She waits for him to nod, waits for his permission to touch his body and he gulps and then nods, closing his eyes and letting go of the material. He doesn't want to see her reaction to his body, to see what he thinks will be disgust in her eyes.

He feels her take the top of the gown and start to cut the material. She is quick; soon he is naked and he feels the air on his skin, but just as soon she covers his lower body with a sheet. Trying to give him as much dignity as she can.

He hears her move away and opens his eyes. She is talking quietly to both the orderly and the older guard, he watches as she writes something down and gives it to the guard and he leaves. He watches her, remembers her, the way she used to push her fringe away from her face and that long plait of hers, the softness of the hair curled up in it. Is she here to stay? __Please don't let me be imaging this.__

The orderly, Stefan, comes over and sees James looking at him. He tries to smile, and gestures to the dirty water and says something, but James doesn't understand. Then the nurse is back, holding a sheet that she starts to cut up to use as flannels. Stefan moves the trolley with the bowls of water out of the room but is not gone for long before he comes back with freshly filled ones. James wants to talk to the nurse but he senses they cannot talk with people around; the guard is looking in, and so instead he is content just to watch her move around. Always coming back to him, and always trying to smile at him although he can see she is hurting inside. __Is that for me?__ he wonders.

The nurse and orderly stand each side of him and start rinsing the cloths and then they wipe them over his shoulders, down his right arm. The nurse works on his chest. They talk quietly and he listens to them. The language still sounds so strange; he thought he would be used to it by now but he isn't. They use a mild soap which helps with the more stubborn stains. He stares at the ceiling, tears pricking his eyes.

She leans over so he can see her, touches his shoulder gently.

"Try closing your eyes again," she suggests, speaking to him in English, and moves a stray strand of hair from his forehead. He does. He lays there and concentrates on their hands, the feel of the cloths as they wipe away the dirt and the dried blood. He feels the care they take around his wounds. He hears Stefan leave the room several times whilst she continues to clean him, his chest, down to his navel and as her hands reach there he tenses, he can't help it.

"Its all right James. We'll try not to hurt you. Let us know if we do."

Her attention turns to his left arm. He feels her fingers as they exam what has been done to it. Her touch is so light, so careful and gentle around the puffy flesh at the end. It stings and throbs but he tries not to make a noise. He wants to brave around her, wants to show her he is not totally defeated. __Please help me God, please don't let me cry.__

She exchanges words with the orderly, and he leaves the room for a moment. When he returns they go to start again. She touches his shoulder which is her way of saying she needs to speak with him, he looks up at her.

"We are going to turn you on your side so I can wash your back." She waits for him to nod and then they help him turn. He feels the cloth glide over his shoulders, over his spine and then down over his buttocks. She tries to be as quick and as gentle she can but he knows there are open sores there and they sting as she tries to wipe of the dirt and worse. __Don't think about it,__ he tells himself.

He listens as she talks to the orderly again. His replies seems to upset her. He can hear it in her voice. He wonders what it is they are saying.

When they move him back over she has placed a dry towel under him.

During this time the older guard has come back in, and after a brief word with the nurse gives her some jars and then leaves.

"James," her voice is quiet and he opens his eyes. "James I need to...clean between your legs, I'm sorry but I need to." She is trying to make it easy for him, trying to tell him it needs to be done. His eyes widen, his breathing hitches, his heart starts to beat faster and he shakes his head no. He can see she knew this would be his answer. He can't let her see what they have done, can't bear to see her disgust with him.

"There are sores on the inside of your thighs and around that area. They must be agony for you. I need to clean you. I'm a nurse, I've done this before, please let me help you, please."

He closes his eyes still shaking his head, and he cannot help that he has started to cry. He tries so hard to stop. He hears her say something to the orderly and hears as he moves away. He doesn't want this woman to see the state of him, what he has been reduced to.

"James. I know you feel you can't trust anyone but you can trust me. I can see what they have done to you, I see the injuries, I'm a nurse, I have dealt with mens injuries before. Being clean will make you feel better, it will make you feel human again. I do understand please believe me...please trust me." She strokes his hair.

He doesn't answer, feeling the sobs welling up. He can't do this any more, he can't cope. He opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling as tears roll down his face. What has he become?

She doesn't say anything more, she lets him cry her hand continues to stroke his hair. After what seems an age he feels himself start to calm. He tries to wipe his eyes, he feels so tired, his heart stops pounding and he looks at her.

"I'm sorry," he chokes.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Her gaze shows that she means what she has said. There is so much compassion for him in their blueness.

Clenching his jaw, he finally nods and she knows he is letting her do what she needs to do.

"I'll be as fast as I can, if you want me to stop just say." She makes sure he has understood before she moves away.

She fetches another sheet and this time lays it over his chest. He closes his eyes as he feels her push the other sheet up rather than take it away.

He realises there is only the two of them in the room. The door has been pulled to. He listens to her moving around, feels her cool hands on him, feels the cloth as she wipes him. She moves his legs and he tenses when he feels her hands on his genitals, she is being gentle but he can't help it. There is nothing sexual about it. She is as quick as she can be.

He clenches his right hand, digging his nails into his palm, concentrating on that pain but it doesn't stop the other pain from bleeding through. It hurts, it stings, the pain throbs deep down and makes him bite his lip. What is worse is the fact someone is seeing him like this. She is seeing him like it. __What am I?__ __What have I become?__ Tears prick his eyes again. __Oh God, Steve help me, please help me.__ He doesn't even realise his mind begs for the help that will never arrive.

"I've nearly finished just bear with me for a few more minutes."

He hears her walk away from the trolley, opens his eyes, and turns his head to watch her. She is getting one of the small jars the guard brought in, she sees him watching and shows him it.

"Salve, it should help. Then we just need to clean your legs and feet."

When he feels the cream it is cold and stings but then he feels it start to soothe the hot skin. He feels cleaner. She moves the sheet back over his groin and then washes her hands in the water again and goes to the door.

He hears her say something and the orderly comes back in; he takes the bowls away to change the water and she gets some clean cloths and when he comes back they work on washing his legs and feet.

She uses the salve again on the back of his calves.

"We're just going to move you onto your side again for a moment so I can put some of this on your back. It won't be for long." The orderly helps her move him again and he feels her apply it to his shoulder blades and then lower on his buttocks. He tenses as she applies the cream to the sensitive area, and she is quick so as to cause him as less discomfort and embarrassment as possible.

They move him back. She washes her hands and applies some to the wounds on his chest. She asks the orderly to rub some other cream into the scar on his right arm where he tried to kill himself. He listens as she washes her hands. They are starting to look red and he wonders how sore they get.

She then takes another jar and uses the cream in it on the stub of his arm. It stings and it not so soothing as the other one, but then after a few moments he feels the pain ebb and the skin starts to numb. She then dresses the stub covering it in fresh bandages.

Then they are finished and the orderly grabs a clean hospital gown which they dress him in. They move the trolley over to the bed.

Before moving him she has one last thing for him to do and she hands him a toothbrush and indicates for him to clean his teeth. This one small thing nearly breaks him. He cannot remember the last time he did such a mundane thing as brush his teeth. The taste of the toothpaste takes him right home to the shared bathroom at Steve's flat. Such a small thing to have such an immense reaction to. He even wonders if toothpastes over the world all taste the same.

The nurse helps him drink some more water, and between them they move him onto the clean bed. The sheets are cool against his skin. He struggles to try and help them as much as he can. He can already remember what dignity felt like.

He is trying to keep his eyes open but he is finding it difficult. He needs to sleep. His body feels more relaxed than it has done in a long time. He feels clean. He cannot remember the last time he felt like this.

He hears them talking again and looks over to see what they are doing. He sees the orderly gesture to where they keep the food bowls and his heart plummets. Please don't say she is going to make him eat the mush they give him; the bowls are full of old liquidised food that the other nurses have spat in. His stomach rolls at the thought of it.

"No," he tries to say, and Stefan turns to look at him. He says something and the nurse turns away from the food, disgust on her face. They converse more but then they hear him as he tries to say no again.

She comes over.

 _ _Don't make me eat it, please, don't make me.__

He swallows wanting to put his thoughts into words but she speaks first.

"I can try and find some that is fresher," she says to him, but before she can finish he shakes his head.

He has to convince her he doesn't want the food, couldn't bear to eat it.

"Too tired," he says quietly.

She nods. "You don't have to eat it, we won't make you I promise." She understands. Having nothing is better than eating the slop they give him.

Normally he is strapped down right away, the drip reinserted but kept off - but when she reattaches the drip he actually feels the coolness of the fluids running into his arm. He closes his eyes, feeling the cleanness of his body but his bones still ache and his ears are humming from where he is so tired. He doesn't realise that she leaves the room for a short while and it only seems seconds later he opens his eyes to see her inject something into the drip. Morphine. Slowly the pain starts to ebb away until it is at least manageable.

"James, I will need to put the straps on later - but for now I want you to move onto your left side, is that all right with you?"

He nods and they help him roll over, she holds what remains of his left arm so it is laid out and he is not leaning on it. It is so long since he has been able to sleep that way, so long since he hasn't slept pressing the sores on his body into the filthy mess of the bed. He wants to say thank you but he is so tired, instead he listens to them talking, he doesn't know what they are saying but the low key conversation is soothing.

He falls asleep, and for once he doesn't dream.

He doesn't know how much time has gone by when she awakens him by gently shaking his shoulder, talking to him, calling his name. Sudden panic flares in his chest until he realises it is her.

"I thought I dreamt you," he says, his voice catching.

She smiles and shakes her head and then helps him sit up. He is becoming aware of the smell of food in the room, a pleasant smell which makes his mouth water. There are times when the nursing staff bring their own meals with them and eat at the table. Their food always smells so much better than the slop he is given and it makes him feel so hungry.

She sits next to him on the edge of the bed and reaches over to pick something up from the bedside cabinet.

"I have some soup I would like you to try and drink."

Immediately his stomach clenches at the thought of the slop, but instead she shows him a mug full of what looks like vegetable soup. It looks and smells so inviting.

"Its part of my lunch, not what they usually give you."

Before he can speak, his stomach does for him and he feels the hunger pangs.

"Sign of approval," she laughs. It catches him unaware - he has never seen her laugh before. "Minestrone," she explains, tipping the mug forward. She takes a sip herself and then offers it back to him. By now he is starving, his stomach has woken up, it needs food.

As the soup enters his mouth he feels like he has never tasted anything so wonderful before. The warmth floods him, the taste makes him close his eyes. The pieces of vegetable are small but it is the first solid food he has had in a long time.

"Nice?" She smiles at him and he nods, pulling the mug back to drink more.

"Not too fast," she warns, her hand helps keep the mug steady as he drinks.

By the time he finishes he feels exhausted. How is that possible when all he has done is drink some soup? He can still taste it, feel it going down and into his stomach, such a warmth. It was salty, and she offers him a small drink of water.

When he has finished she places her hand on his arm, the look on her face has grown sad, he wishes he could make her laugh again.

"I'm sorry, but I have to put the straps on."

He feels something well up in him. He should have known it wouldn't last. He knows there is a rota and deep down he knew she wasn't here to stay with him. He wants to ask her if she will stay, to ask her not to leave him but she speaks before he does.

"Before we do though do you need to relieve yourself?"

He nearly missed her question and then it dawns on him what she asked him and he feels like he wants to blush. After all she has done today and yet this embarrasses him. Perhaps because he feels like a human being again.

"I can't take you to the toilet, I don't think you would make it but we do have..." she hesitates as if reading his mind "...a bed pan that Stefan can help you with."

Stefan hears and comes over after picking up something covered with a cloth and she stands up. Her cheeks are slightly pink as as she has picked up James' embarrassment.

"I'll wait outside," he hears her say and she disappears out of the room, pulling the door almost closed.

After Stefan helps him, she returns and they both help him lie on his back. He is starting to feel the pain flooding back and it makes him feel nauseous. They lay the straps over him but do not tighten them. He closes his eyes and listens as she sees to the drip in his arm. After a few minutes he feels something flood into his bloodstream. The pain begins to ebb.

"I won't be here when you wake, but I will be back I promise," is the last thing he hears her whisper and then he is asleep.

Perhaps she can read his mind?

 **...**

He struggles to open his eyes. Time must have flown by, the main light is off and the room is darker. The pain is back. When he turns his head to look over it is one of the other nurses sat at the table with a lamp on. She is flicking through magazines and he knows it is useless to ask her for help. He tries to move but the straps won't let him, they are so tight, someone has moved his right arm out of the bed so the strap buckle bites into his flesh. He looks up at the drip, there is fluid there but he is guessing it is switched off.

His body is hurting. It seems to have woken back up to remind him of all that has been done to violate it. A pain hits him and he can feel the muscles in his legs cramping. He is sweating heavily and his mouth is dry. Was it all a dream? Did he imagine the other nurse, his nurse? __No. Please don't do that to me__ he prays.

As he turns his head back he smells the soap she used on his hair, feels that it is shorter now. The bed is cleaner. He knows she was here. She is real.

He needs to use the bathroom. He knows if he wets himself he will be left to lie in the mess, and he also knows they will punish him with the baton but his bladder is pressing painfully. "Please..." he says, but he doesn't know if he speaks or if the nurse just pretends she doesn't hear him.

As another bout of pain hits him his body wants to curl in on itself, but it can't. It is one of the pains he gets from the serum, it is working on something in his body and he knows it will continue for hours, getting worse until his cries make the nurses gag him. Pain cramps more of his muscles and he can't help but let go and he feels the warm liquid soak into the bed clothes. The warmth slowly turns to cold and he feels shamed. The bed was clean and now he has soiled it, he should have tried harder to hang on. __But for how long?__ his mind asks and he has no answer.

He feels so alone. __Please God bring her back, please bring her back.__

" _ _For Gods sake Barnes stop bleating.__ " A memory of a voice from out of no where hits him.

" _ _Aw, come on Stevie..."__

Steve's voice. They were bickering, he remembers. And a sound escapes him that makes the nurse look up. Seeing nothing amiss she looks back down and goes back to reading her magazines, __let the American pig suffer.__

 _ _They are in Steve's flat, just the two of them. Steve has persuaded Bucky to model for him. Its been hours already, and Bucky is ansty. He feels uncomfortable; he is not used to sitting around doing nothing.__

" _ _It hasn't been hours. We've been..." Steve looks at his watch "...eleven minutes." He peers over the top of his sketch pad at Bucky and smiles one of those smiles that makes Bucky want to walk over there, grab the pad, throw it away, throw Steve to the floor and...__

" _ _This is for posterity, you know," Steve's voice breaks in again. The window is open and somewhere someone has the radio on playing Jimmy Dorsey's 'I'll Never Smile Again.'__

 _ _Bucky looks over at Steve, concentrating, head bowed over the page, blond hair falling over his eyes, pencil in hand. He feels like time has stopped still. He gets up from where he is sitting and Steve looks up.__

" _ _Aw Buck, what..." The look on Bucky's face stops him, and Bucky takes the pad and pencil out of his hand. Steve is now aware of the music, the curtains fluttering at the window, the shaft of light falling on the carpet, everything seems to have slowed, everything but his heart beat.__

 _ _They are by themselves. No one can see them.__

 _ _Bucky pulls him to his feet and wraps one arm around Steve's waist and holds his left hand up and slowly starts to dance with Steve following suit. Steve has never danced with a girl, but he has danced with Bucky and he fits perfectly into the steps looking up at those beautiful blue eyes. Neither smiles, just looks at each other whilst they move, the music saying all they want to say to each other.__

 _ _I'll never smile again__  
 _ _Until I smile at you__  
 _ _I'll never laugh again__

 _ _What good would it do__  
 _ _For tears would fill my eyes__  
 _ _My heart would realize__  
 _ _That our romance is true...__

 _ _At the end of the song, Bucky is holding Steve close and Bucky can feel the beating of both their hearts. They stop and stand, looking at each other.__

 _ _Steve clears his throat but his words are still fogged. "This isn't going to get you out of posing you know."__

 _ _Bucky smiles down at him.__

" _ _Wanna bet?" His voice is husky as he pulls Steve's body into his.__

All these years later James remembers those words, remembers the feel of Steves body so close to his, remembers what he has lost, and sobs as the nurse sighs and slams her magazine down and gets up to go and silence the __Amerikanskiy svin'ya.__ The American pig.


	10. Chapter 10 - Care & Responsiblity

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Ten: Care & Responsibility****

 ** **Part One****

 ** **James Barnes - Care & Responsibility****

The last few years have been difficult, and the mistreatment at the hands of the nurses and orderlies are affecting James' mind. He is kept constantly and heavily sedated, but with no morphine for pain relief, the nightmares he has fight to keep him from his memories. The sedative also lowers his emotional defences. After all this time, he is finding it more and more difficult to remember things, and so the things he does remember are precious to him. He tries to escape into the past, testing himself on what someone's name was, what he and Steve used do at the weekends, anything he can to get his mind away from here.

The orderlies are forever using their electric batons and he feels his whole body is covered in sores. He cannot move in bed as the straps are pulled so tight; in places they leave solid bruises and in some areas they chafe and break open his skin. It makes his very bones ache. He knows his body will repair itself, but he also knows there is no break from the damage and he doesn't believe he will ever be free of pain.

It has been his constant companion for so long.

There is also the smell. He had forgotten how degrading it was until the new nurse had cleaned him. It does not take long for him to get filthy again; he doesn't understand how the nurses can leave him like this, so dirty, covered in his own filth. It is as if it is some sort of punishment merely for him being alive.

He still cannot face the food they try and feed him, and when he refuses they resort to force-feeding. He cannot believe that the liquid slop is doing him any good - especially with what they add in, taking delight in his horror at it. His refusals give them an excuse to use the batons again for even more punishment.

And so he tries to escape in his mind...but so often now he only finds nightmares.

The only relief he gets is the time 'his' nurse is on duty with the orderly that helps her. He remembers her from the camp. Her hands are soft, her smile genuine, and she cries for him. He knows she does.

Images drift through his mind. Day by day he is losing more of himself, finding it harder to grasp memories, to know who he is. He knows now he gave up hope of rescue a long time ago.

Every day is filled by pain and misery, every day they plunge needles into his veins, into his muscles, filled with God only knows what.

But he can guess.

The same formula that Zola had used before to try and make him into their super soldier. Just like Steve. That thought makes him sick. He can feel the changes in his body. But he knows they also want to break his mind, if they do what will he become? What will they do with him?

Each day he prays that when he wakes he will find the one person who he thinks is on his side. The one who after each of her duties tears his soul by saying how sorry she is and he knows she means it. His condition makes her cry. She doesn't know it but he waits for her now, and part of the fact she is there makes him feel some sort of hope. He is always so tired, so close to letting go but they won't let him, he wants to close his eyes and die. She is the only secret he has left and she has no idea how comforting that is, with her he can forgot Bucky and James and Steve. Her hands are gentle and he can close his eyes and listen to her voice, the familiar accent, the words from home and when she cries he feels her tears like drops of rain on a beautiful fall day.

Like everything else though that hope is slowly fading. He sees her less and less, until one day he realises it has been days since she was last with him - days since he felt her touch.

He feels his panic growing. Have they gotten rid of her?

Has she gone?

 **...**

He knows from the moment he wakes it is going to be a bad day. The pain has woken him, that and the constant itching. He wants to pull his skin off. During the night he needed the bathroom and was ignored; he is lying in the cold mess, he can't escape from it; the straps around him tying him to the bed are cutting into his flesh and his mouth is so dry.

The nurse on duty swaps shifts and he is hoping for his nurse but there is still no sign of her. He hasn't seen her in so long, he has no concept of time any more. Have they sent her away?

Tears prick his eyes. __No, don't let that happen, don't take her away from me. She's all I have, please God__.

He can smell the awfulness of his situation. He realises there must be no testing again as there is no way they could take him to the doctors like this; on days when they know they have to take him down for testing they clean him up by throwing him in a cold shower and using the hard brushes to clean him. All it does is reopen sores, wounds and creates new ones, the cold water chills his bones and makes his joints ache so badly.

The doctors never look beyond what they are doing. As long as they can hook him up to their machines and fill him with the serum, they do not need to look any further.

He tries to sleep, tries to move, it is like an army of fire ants have invaded the bed and he can't help but groan as the pain gets worse. The nurse gets up and goes over to pick up the food bowl just as the door opens and an orderly comes in, closing the door behind him and wrinkling his nose.

"How can you stand the stench in here?" His eyes water and he takes out his baton. The nurse looks at him sourly.

"He's decided to play difficult again. Won't eat, wasting valuable food, obviously not good enough for him," she says sarcastically.

"Said I would help you feed him," he says and the nurse grins.

He walks over to James who begins to start to pray. _ _Don't let him use it. Not today. Please not today__.

But no-one is listening and he hears the buzz as the orderly leans over.

"No better than an animal huh?" he pushes the baton into James' collar bone, and the patient can't help but cry out. The orderly leaves it in place for such a long time he can smell his skin and flesh start to burn. The orderly grins and takes it away.

She fetches the bowl, it is the same bowl of food they tried to feed to him yesterday and the day before. He wouldn't eat it then, but they are determined he will eat it today. There is a bet on amongst the nurses; whoever can get the most food in him this week wins. There are five packets of cigarettes to be won, a new pack added every day and she is determined she will win and split the winnings with the orderly. These two work well together as a team.

The food stinks, rancid, gone bad; it has not dried out but is wet, slushy, mouldy. Just the smell of it is enough to make him gag.

"Oh no you don't," the orderly says as James tries to move away. He moves over to one side and the nurse the other and they hoist him up slightly on the pillows but leave the straps in place, parts of his skin tears where the straps are so tight and they have pulled against them. The pain that goes through his body is bad, skin that has stuck to the bed clothes rips away and he wets himself again. He sees the orderly's mouth tighten.

"No, oh no, please," he begs them, no longer worried about how pitiful he sounds. __Please don't let them start on me again.__

The orderly leans in and moves onto the bed. He leans over James' chest, pinning him in place, and then the nurse goes to spoon food into James' mouth.

He is starting to panic, they are so close to him, he can't breathe and when he does the smell clings to his nostrils. His heart starts to beat faster. The noise he makes is heart breaking, mewing, he keeps his mouth closed and turns his head but that just earns him another touch of the baton.

"Please. No." The nurse shoves the spoon between his lips whilst he is begging, and he starts to choke. He spits it out.

"Oh for Gods' sake, look what the cretin has done!" Some of the food has hit the orderly, and he is furious.

He lets go of his victim and starts to brush the food of his uniform, then he looks at James. A really mean look. He lights up his baton and angrily moves the bedclothes away from James' legs; James whimpers, he can't help it, he knows what is going to happen, they have done this to him before.

He tries to say he is sorry but the orderly just pulls up the front of James' hospital gown and rams the baton into his testicles. You can hear the scream down into the next corridor as the delicate flesh burns. The orderly takes it away, satisfied that he has taught the American pig a lesson.

"Try again," he says to the nurse.

"Hold him," she says and the orderly does, holding his nose to stop him from breathing until James has to open his mouth then the nurse shoves the spoon in as far as she can and down the back of his throat.

His eyes bulge and he starts to cough but they won't let him go; they are holding his chin up so he cannot spit the food out. He is choking, his ears are ringing and food goes into his nasal passages, he can't breathe. __Help me please, someone help me please!__ Tears stream down his face. He is trying to bring up his arm but he can't, it is pinned down too tightly.

"Come on pig, eat your food!" They are shovelling in more of the mess, he is vomiting but they keep his mouth closed so he has to swallow. He tries to get up but the straps hold him firmly in place, tries to move but they are so strong he cannot. His panic has reached its pitch. He is not far away from suffocating but that does not stop them and then suddenly the nurse turns, her attention pulled away by something.

He can't see by what, he needs to breathe, __Dear God let me breath!__ His head is ringing, he cannot hear anything, he feels his head is about to burst. Then the pressure is suddenly gone, and he opens his mouth trying desperately to spit the food out whilst trying to suck in air. Someone is helping him turn his head to the side, trying to release the straps.

James tries to turn his whole body. He needs to breathe. Food is dribbling out from his mouth and nose but a gentle, calm voice is telling him everything is all right.

He vomits, trying to breathe in between gasps, the taste of the food making him heave.

He feels his left side released from the straps and turns completely to keep retching, his right hand grabs hold of the person holding him and hangs on for dear life. His eyes are streaming, he can't see.

"Its all right, thats it, bring it all up. You're going to be all right." The voice is gentle, quiet and he is sick again. A beaker of water appears at the edge of his vision, he makes a grab for it, trying to drink.

"Slowly, slowly, thats it, not too much." The water floods his mouth and then goes down his nose and brings on another coughing fit. He is holding on to the nurse, __his__ nurse, and he sees that he has vomited over her, down her uniform but she still holds on, still won't let him go.

His eyes sting and he can't look at her. He tries to say he is sorry and pull away but she won't let him.

"Its all right, there is nothing to be sorry for," her voice holds tears and that makes him sob. He becomes aware of other people in the room now. He feels her stroking his hair, pushing it back off his face and she rests his head on her shoulder quietly talking to him until he can breathe again properly.

What has he become? Why is this happening to him? Has he wronged someone so dreadfully in a past life? Or is this to be the end result of his deal with God? His hand tightens and will leave her bruised but he doesn't realise this, he just wants her close, doesn't want to let her go.

He hears two men talking, recognises the voice of the orderly who normally works with her and someone he doesn't think he has has ever heard before, but he doesn't want to look at them. Doesn't want to see the look on their faces when they see him. After a few minutes his grip lessens and she encourages him to lie back. He is grey, filthy, food and vomit in his hair, caught in the heavy stubble on his face. His eyes are red rimmed and finally he looks at her, she helps him lean back and he feels the support of the pillows.

The orderly is talking to another man, dressed in white like him but taller. The other man nods and then leaves the room and Stefan says something to the nurse and then leaves as well.

His nurse begins to take away the sheets and, suddenly without meaning to, she makes him jump. She has furiously pulled the top bedclothes off the bed and he looks at her, misreading her anger. She turns to reach forward and he believes she is going to hit him. He is not a coward, has never run from a fight but he can't help but back away from her as if she was fire itself. His eyes widen and his breath hitches. He watches her face change from anger to pain.

She speaks a few words in Russian, forgetting herself, and then switches back to English.

"Not you. I'm not angry with you. How could I be angry with you?" she says as she reaches out to him - but before he can move, someone else enters the room, demanding to know what is going on. Why she so rudely ejected the nurse and the orderly from the room.

It is one of the doctors. James recognises him and is ashamed when he sees the mans face. At how quickly he reaches for his handkerchief to cover his nose. His nurse steps away from the bed and the doctor looks at James - and what he sees shows as shock and horror in the man's eyes. James looks down, for so many people to see him like this, his left hand goes to pull something over him, to try and cover some of his shame. It is a moment before he remembers he has no hand, just a stump which moves pathetically.

He closes his eyes, hearing them talk in Russian and then she is talking to him in English.

"We need to get you cleaned up," she says quietly. The doctor has gone.

He feels her moving closer again and she moves all of the bed clothes entirely away from him. Her hands are cool against his skin. The orderly called Stefan comes up on the other side of him and then they carefully move him to the side of the bed as the other orderly, brings up a wheelchair.

James can't help but groan. Raw patches stretch as he moves, and the orderly quickly places a soft towel on the seat of the wheelchair, leaning over to help move James on to it. The nurse and orderlies exchange words and then the bright light in the corridor hits him and he has to close his eyes. He has been taken to the showers before. He can't help but shudder, praying that they will show him more kindness, that the water won't be so cold it freezes his joints, that they won't use the hard brushes on his broken skin.

 _ _Don't let them be like that.__

They get him to the room and close the door. The orderly has changed clothes and he looks away whilst the nurse strips of her dirty uniform and puts a clean white shift on, then a shower cap over her hair.

Stefan starts the water.

Both then help James out of the wheelchair and strip away the gown as gently as they can. He hears her indrawn breath when she sees the new burn marks. It stings as he feels the material that has stuck to areas teased away and he knows some of his skin has come away with it. He can feel both of them holding him firmly, they will not let him fall.

She takes another shower cap and uses it to cover what remains of the end of his left arm.

They walk him slowly over to the water, he hesitates but then he walks under it and it rains down on him, warm and inviting and James begins to weep again, he can't help it.

He has forgotten what kindness feels like.

He so wants to be clean. He needs to be human again he know it is going to hurt...but he needs this.

Whilst the man holds him, the nurse gently runs a sponge over his body. They are talking to each other but in English so he can understand them. For the first time ever he hears her name. __Freya.__ He repeats it quietly to himself. It is important to him to remember.

His voice sounds strange to him when he tries to talk. He is not even sure he has spoken aloud, but they are listening. "I need to be clean. Please. I want to be clean. It doesn't matter if it hurts. Please. I need to."

She understands what he is saying; that he is giving them permission to do what they need to. He fights to keep upright under the water. It is so warming and he is feeling so tired; it is lucky the pain is keeping him focused.

They fetch a chair for him and sit him down under the water. She disappears out into the shower room and comes back with a pair of scissors. She cuts out the matted parts of his hair and then trims it to just below his ears, then stands behind and washes what remains. He remembers her hands from when she did it before. It feels so good as she massages his scalp and for a small time even the pain starts to fade. His hair is so long, Steve would be surprised, he opens his eyes and he can see Steve in his mind and he feels he will never see him again. That thought causes him so much pain. He bites his lip to stop the sob that wells up. His emotions are so difficult to control these days.

It takes them a while to get him clean but when he is he can feel his body becoming his own again. He is so very tired now, and without realising he is leaning heavily to the side. They are talking to him and he is trying to take in what they are saying. They towel him dry and put a robe on him, they tell him they will dress him once they have seen to his wounds. They sit him down again and the orderly quickly shaves him.

They can see he is fading fast and they want to get him back to his room, into a clean bed. They put him back on a drip to get some morphine and liquids back into his bloodstream. He is given a beaker of water to drink, and when they can see the pain relief is starting to take effect they work on his wounds.

James feels their hands, even they cannot do what needs doing without causing more pain than the drip can block, but he bites his lip to stop from crying out. Then finally he is lying in the bed, they don't strap him down but encourage him to lay on his side to take pressure of some of the bed sores. He is so tired now he can hardly keep his eyes open and she tells him to sleep and promises to stay by his side whilst he does.

As he falls asleep he thinks he can smell oranges. He is suddenly transported to the Brooklyn dockyards and Steve is there waiting for him. They would go down there most weekends and find work to earn a few cents. There is one ship which used to come loaded with fruit and where, if they worked the full amount of hours, the captain would give them an orange each with their pay.

At the end of the day they would sit on the dock wall looking out over the expanse and tell each other what they were going to do with the rest of their lives.

For a short time he is home and he is with Steve.

 **...**

 ** **Part Two****

 ** **The Nurse - Care & Responsibility****

Over the next few weeks you are a dutiful nurse. When it is your shift you do just what the doctors tell you to do, hoping that you would have at least one shift every day, but it does not work out that way.

Sometimes you do not see James for days. Other times you are removed from the rota as the doctors want you there during testing so that you can translate. You try and tell the nurse in charge of the rota that you don't mind doing extra shifts but she does not trust you.

Word has got around that you care, and that will not do.

You have seen the extra burns when you know he has done no wrong. You try to hide as much of the morphine as you can, the others assuming one of them has sold it on. It is awful to see him in so much pain when there is none left for you to give him.

How can people do this?

You begin to turn up earlier for your shifts, encouraging the others to come late for theirs, and in between you spend the time trying to make things better for him. You're fighting a losing battle but you won't give in. You are like your father in so many ways.

You lose well over a stone in weight as you often find you cannot face food after your shift rotation. You are so sickened by what you see, by what they do to him; especially your fellow __nurses__ and their treatment of him. The doctors simply do not care, their minds are always elsewhere.

You help dress and undress the patient. You stand by while they attach him to their machines. You rub the spots with antiseptic where they plunge needles into him, pumping God knows what chemicals into him. You dress the burns that are so bad sometimes they have eaten through his skin and tissue. You make sure you are next to him when he is in pain and you take his hand so he knows he is not alone.

They pump him full of sedatives and you watch as the sedative lowers his emotional defences and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You see how the nightmares drag him down, you try and calm him when he wakes sobbing calling his friend's name.

The less shifts you do, the more his wounds start to fester again, the further his hygiene falls and soon the bed sores are as bad as they were when you first started. The room becomes dirty again: messy, disgusting. You try and work with Stefan as much as you can because the other orderlies do not care, they are brutal, they want to play their game's with ' _ _the Ameriknaskiy Svin'ya'.__

You try and stop them from being so cruel and you find that the nursing staff and orderlies are watching you. They start to deliberately bump into you in the corridor. They __accidentally__ knock over your tray in the canteen, move away from you when you go to sit down. Your things disappear, and without the empty containers you cannot get them replaced. Stefan steps in as much as he can but you have already told him not to. The last thing you need is for them to take against him as well.

This is personal. This is over James Barnes. And they find you are not going to give them an inch.

You pretend to try and feed him the mush they want him to eat. It is disgusting; the bowls in the room are always days old. Stefan helps you smuggle soup and other lighter meals, and covers for you as you feed them to James. You find that some of the guards, not just Marinov, are willing to turn a blind eye.

James hardly speaks, but there have been a few rare times when the drugs are wearing off and he tries to talk to you. Each time it is the same thing he asks, and it breaks your heart. He asks that you help him to die. Never to escape - he knows that is impossible - he knows he needs to die. It is his only option.

What can you say? How can you answer?

You have had to stop using his name as one of the other nurses reported you to Doctor Lehmann. He sent for you. It did not take you long when you first arrived to realise that Doctor Lehmann is the one to watch, the one to be wary of. He controls the other doctors. He is ambitious and any problems he will sort out with a permanent solution.

Usually a bullet.

You still remember the conversation in his office. It is the closest you think you have ever come to being marched outside, put up against a wall and shot. It was only through your promises to obey all rules and apologies for your error that you were allowed to stay on the project, allowed to remain alive.

He wanted to know how you knew the patients' name was James. You are not a good liar. You never have been. Thinking quickly, you circumnavigated the truth. "The first time I was in the main room, one of the doctors had a file open. It had the patients' name on there. I didn't realise I couldn't use it at all, it's just a way of me getting his attention."

He believes you because he can believe it of the doctors. They are always leaving information about, taking no notice of who is around them because they get so absorbed in their work. He immediately implements a __clear desk__ policy from then onwards.

You realised at the end of the dressing down though that Doctor Lehmann has another purpose in seeing you. He is German and wants you to teach him the English language. He wants to have an understanding of it so he will know that what you are translating is more or less correct. He has already noted you know other languages. He has seen and heard you answer the doctors when they forget and speak to you in their own language. He asks you how many languages you know and you tell him you know basic German and French, and have a working knowledge of Japanese.

He seemed impressed. You are clearly more intelligent than he thought.

"But It doesn't do to be to __clever__ Nurse. Why did you learn these languages?" He is trying to get an idea of who you are, how you could be useful to him or more importantly, would you be a danger to the project?

You swallow. You are not a devious person but you feel as if you are walking in a mine field.

"My father teaches languages, and due to my mothers illness I was home-schooled. She is Russian and he is English so we spoke both languages in the home. He taught me a few more as part of my education."

Lehmann looks at you and you feel as if he can read your mind, all your thoughts, see through you.

"We have Russian mothers in common..." he realises that he has said that out loud and adds "...but that is all, I think."

He looks at you for a while. You can almost hear the wheels turning, almost feel your fate in the balance. Finally. "We will start with my lessons tomorrow, and then every day after that between 4pm and 6pm. Tell the roster nurse you will not be available during those hours."

"What do I say I am doing?" you ask as he dismisses you.

"Just tell her we are using you for translating."

 **...**

When James asks you to help him die, you try to shush him before the guards hear he is talking to you and ask you what it is he is saying. You use it as an excuse to quiet him, but really it breaks your heart to hear him ask you to help him, knowing you can't, knowing you can't hurt this man you love. The disappointment in his eyes is gut-wrenching but you are a nurse. You have never killed. You cannot imagine doing harm to this man...yet, by keeping him alive you are hurting him more than they are.

The situation is agonising for you, and you have no one to talk to. What do you do? Maybe you can get him out of here, away from this place...but where would you start? You do not even have access to every place on this floor yet alone upper and lower levels, the building, the complex. Sometimes it is all your brain can do to function when these thoughts go through your mind.

How? Where do you start?

You are not sure if he does remembers you from before. You are never brave enough to ask him outright, never brave enough to talk to him about his time in the field camp. Sometimes when he catches sight of you you think you see recognition in his eyes, but you don't know if that is just wishful thinking on your part.

Your feelings where he is concerned are all over the place. They colour everything you do and think.

You have spoken to him at their bidding - after all, the reason you are here is because you speak his language. His eyes focus on you and a crease appears between them. Does he remember you? He never indicates that he does but something makes you feel you are familiar to him. You're not sure he even knows why. There are days when he is barely conscious.

If he answers, you repeat what he says to the doctors in your own language and at these times you cannot meet his eyes as it feels like betrayal. The questions make little sense to you. They are all about how he feels when they have pumped him full of their drugs. Does this hurt, does that, if so to what degree. He is always so drugged up that half the time his replies don't make sense. How is he supposed to concentrate? How is he supposed to answer their questions with lucid replies?

He asks you to tell him why they are doing this to him. Why can't they just let him die? When you repeat these questions to the doctors they get impatient, it is not what they want to hear.

You wait for the rare short occurrences when you are alone with him, and then you stroke his forehead and tell him you are so very sorry. He is always so tired, too exhausted in both his mind and his body. You treat his wounds, those inflicted by circumstance and those inflicted by the other staff, and you try to make things better but each day seems harder than the last.

On the days you are not on duty or translating for them, you spend the time trapped in the dormitory or canteen. There are no other places you can go. The others rarely talk to you. They make it obvious they do not trust you. Those days are long, drawn out, and sometimes seem more tiring than your duty days.

You know you need to do something about their treatment of him. You are biding your time, waiting until you have got a good foothold in the door with the doctors so that they will take you seriously and listen to what you say. There are guards everywhere and you are sure that if they found out you knew exactly who he was, you would be killed. He is too valuable to them for anyone to compromise him.

The doctors though begin to trust you. They like to use you more in the main room when the patient is in there. They use you for longer periods.

One of the orderlies disappears. He was sadistic and enjoyed the pain the patient is constantly in, keeping him short of morphine, making everything hurt more. You have rarely hated anyone but you find the capacity to, you hope the man is dead and buried and that before he died he knew what is was like to be frightened, alone and in pain.

The depth of your hatred for these people shocks you.

 **...**

 _ _Doctor Lehmann has begun to realise that the new nurse has developed feelings for the patient and he calls a meeting. He thinks despite her usefulness they should get rid of her, that she could prove dangerous. He believes her loyalty is to their patient and not to them. Not to Hydra.__

 _ _The others disagree. How dangerous could loving Barnes make her?__

" _ _Surely that just makes her work harder?" one of the doctor says naively.__

 _ _They cannot decide if it is a good thing or not, especially because of something else they have noticed. The patient responds to her more than any other nurse. He is more likely to do what she instructs him to do, perhaps it is because of her English, which has hardly any accent. It makes life a lot easier for them.__

 _ _They weigh up the good things about the nurse. Jakobs, Schmidt and Lehmann are German, Taffeteer French and__ __Bezzina Russian, she can converse with all of them even when they switch languages back and forth. She has worked in the field and they see she is good at what she does, they never have to tell her twice.__

 _ _She always takes responsibility for the patient, always stays by his side when they are doing their tests and when they hurt him she tries to calm him, helping him breathe, holding his hand, telling him everything will be all right. She knows how to work with them, what is expected of her.__

 _ _No, they decide as a group she is too valuable to just throw away - yet.__

 _ _She is unaware of it but they begin to watch her closely. The guards are told to keep an eye on her, although they do not know why.__

 _ _Doctor Lehmann is annoyed, but for once he is overruled by the others. He is ambitious and wants this project to work for personal reasons; he means to climb to the top of Hydra and no one will stand in his way.__

 _ _He will bide his time for now. The nurse is still useful to him at the moment. The doctors have found out about the English lessons and ask him about them. He tells them it is so he can monitor her. If she becomes a danger he will deal with her accordingly.__

 _ _All the more important now with what they have learnt about her.__

 **...**

Your lessons with Lehmann are coming along well. He provides reading material for you to use, not that it is anything you can glean information from. He is intelligent and picks things up easily. You hate teaching him though; he is cold, ruthless and you do not trust him.

You want them to find you compliant because you have no intention of giving them any reason to get rid of you. Not because you do not want to end up in an lonely grave, but because you are not going to leave James to face the fear and pain alone. You caused this. You saved his life that day at the field hospital, and everything that has happened to him since then is your fault.

More weeks go by and you learn that the project is financed as part of a plan by the organisation called Hydra. It appears to be led by a scientist called Armin Zola, previously captive to the Americans but now working hand-in-hand with their scientists. You have heard tales of a man called Red Skull. He is now dead, and Zola has superseded him.

You also learn a small part about James Barnes' captivity in 1942, when Zola's team first chose him to experiment on as one of a group of captured POW's. It is beginning to make sense now; the unusual rate at which he heals is all part of the same plan, what are they turning him into?

You have not met Zola, but a steady dislike for the man is growing in you already.

You know it is not going to be long before something happens between you and the other staff. They are more aware of your concern for their treatment of the American. You start to get serious warnings, threats. The nurse responsible for the roster removes you completely from the rota. During this time you are not allowed on the floor as your name is not on the guards' list at the gate. You are refused entry and you despair. The only time you see him now is when translation is needed. You do not know whether to approach Lehmann about the situation but ultimately you decide not to. He is too dangerous to you.

Give them more time and the staff will begin to feed lies to the doctors about you, and one day you will simply disappear.

Then one day it comes to a head.

You have not seen James for over a week. There has been no testing as the the doctors were away consulting with Zola. They are back now and you have been told testing will begin again tomorrow and that your presence will be required. You use this as an excuse to head for the patient's room. Your name should now appear on the guards' list as personnel allowed through for this week.

You check the rota to see who is on duty and your heart sinks. They are two of the worst. You have heard about a bet on between all the nurses and orderlies: whoever can make the patient eat most of the slop this week wins a prize of cigarettes.

The guards confirm that you are on their lists and you are allowed full entry. As you approach the patients' room you hear loud voices and cursing coming from inside. You look at the two guards who are standing further away from the door than normal, but they keep their gaze averted. The door is pushed closed and you look at them but they won't look at you, so you open the door and go to enter the room.

The scene that meets your eyes is disgusting. The smell in the room makes your eyes water. You know now why the guards have taken up their posts further down the corridor. The nurse and the orderly have James strapped tightly to the bed, his head up on pillows. The orderly has one knee on his chest and the nurse is force feeding James the mush. It is obvious he does not want it. The orderly has his fingers pinching the patient's nose closed so he has had to open his mouth to breathe.

The nurse is deliberately shovelling in spoonful after spoonful and you can hear the choking sounds as he is unable to swallow it. To further encourage him, the orderly is using the electric baton and searing it into any spot of bare skin he can find, including the end of the stub of his left arm.

As they do all of this to him they are berating him, calling him names and you can see that both the orderly and nurse are enjoying it. The noises he makes are over-whelming, pitiful, and you feel your hatred surge up. They haven't heard you come in and your immediate thought is to rush and stop them, but you realise you cannot do it on your own, you need help.

Quietly and quickly, you back out of the room and summon one of the guards who comes over reluctantly. "Go and get Stefan and Kristo please." You keep your voice level and quiet. Kristo is an orderly whom Stefan knows and who works in a different part of the underground complex. The guard looks as though he is going to argue with you but one look at your face tells him not to.

You quickly slip back into the room and this time the nurse hears you. She glances your way as you approach the bed, spoon held in her hand the last of the food slopping over it and onto the bed clothes.

"Get out," you say. Your voice is low. You cannot see James' face as it is blocked by the orderly but you can hear the choking sounds. The nurse frowns at you, stopped in her tracks by the sound of your voice and the words.

You don't stop. You move around to the side the orderly is on. He turns to you and grins.

"Dirty animal, huh? We win the bet," he says and without hesitating you move forward, grab him by the lapels of his shirt and push him backwards. You grab the baton out of his hand as he falls away from you. It unseats him and he falls off the side of the bed, almost knocking the nurse over.

"All bets are off," you growl.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" the other nurse shrieks, helping the red-faced orderly up.

"Get out now. Get out before I kill you." You lean over, helping James turn his head to the side whilst working to free one of the leather straps. "Its okay. You're going to be okay," you say to him in English.

When neither of them move you look at them and they later swear blind they could see murder in your eyes. You grip the baton hard. You have never used one before but you are sure they would be easy enough to figure out.

"I said get out!" Your voice is louder this time, and as the orderly goes to move towards you the door opens further and you are relieved to see Stefan and Kristo. They take one look at the scene and Stefan nods to Kristo to get them out. They are herded away complaining about the "stinking animal not eating his food, and just who does she thinks she is?"

You throw the baton down. Your total concentration is now on your patient. You continue releasing his right arm from the restraints. He is trying to turn over more and rise from the bed. The smell coming from him is terrible. You keep talking to him quietly, calmly telling him he will be all right whilst you release the straps. You must not let him panic any more than he is. Stefan is releasing the straps on the patient's left side which are holding down all that is left of that arm and his legs.

When free, James grabs at you with his right hand, hanging on to you for dear life.

You pull him towards you and he vomits out what is choking him, as well as whatever they have been forcing him to swallow. You are in the way and it goes down the lower front of your uniform. The slop is in his hair and down his chest, caught in the heavy stubble of his face, all over the bed sheets and pillows. You remain holding him and talking to him in English. His hand grips you so tightly as if he is frightened if he lets you go you will disappear.

"Thats it, get it all up, come on. You're going to be all right."

He is still coughing. You know it is in his nasal passages and there is still some to come up. Stefan has fetched a cup of water which he hands to you, and you offer it to James to drink to help rinse out his mouth. It should help him to breathe easier.

Stefan tells Kristo to get hot water, a bowl and lots of flannels. He had seen what it is that is causing the terrible smell in the room as you turned the patient over, and he knows you will go ballistic.

The nurse on duty, Nurse Richter, had been on since 8am. It is now 3pm. In all that time she had not done anything other than force-feed him. She has left him to lie in his own faeces and urine. His gown is soaked and crusted. Stefan also knows which nurses were on the previous shifts and knows they will not have done anything either. They have left him for nearly three days without changing him or taking him to the bathroom.

You are still holding James, trying not to be sick with the smell of the vomit and whatever else is in the room. You realise he is trying to move back and you help him.

He tries to look at you but he can't meet your eyes.

"I'm sorry," he tries to say.

You gently touch him and move his hair back and then you hold him close. He resists at first; he doesn't want to get you any dirtier but when he realises you are not going to push him away he gives in and clings to you. He raises the left stump of his arm and you see the new burn mark. The flesh has fortunately been cauterised by the burn but it has burnt away some of the stitches. You will need to see to it. You gently place your hand under it to hold it before he can snag it on something. Your heart goes out to him. His breath hiccups from the vomit and the tears he is trying not to sob.

The hatred and anger at what has been done to him burns deep inside you and you feel it wanting to bubble to the surface.

Kristo returns with the items requested, but Stefan now knows they will not be enough. He sends him back out for the wheel chair and beckons you to come around to his side of the bed. You have already guessed. The smell is making your eyes water. You encourage James to lay back down, promising him you are going to help him, you know how filthy the bed is but a few more minutes in it isn't going to make a difference.

You talk quietly with Stefan and he leaves. He is going to fetch you something clean to wear and to advise the guards you will be taking the patient to the showers.

You are so angry. If anyone else was with you, the doctors, the other nurses, even Zola himself you would strike out at them, consequences be damned. You want to kill them. You hate them all so much you could scream. You have never felt such an anger before and you have no where to vent it, so you bottle it up inside.

You begin to strip the bedding covering James' legs off the bed and throw them angrily into a corner, you then lean over James, meaning to ask him if you can look at his left arm, but he scoots back. He has never done that before. He has always trusted you. It is because he has seen the anger in your face, in your eyes and in the set of your mouth. You realise he thinks you are angry with him. The anger floods away for another time.

You put your hand out. "No. Not you. I'm not angry with you. Oh my God, how could I be angry with you?" He hears the tears in your voice, but his eyes are wide and you see his fear.

Before you can do any more there is a commotion outside in the corridor and Doctor Jakobs comes in, angry at the situation he is having to sort out. The nurse and orderly have gone straight to him about your treatment. It is lucky for you that they could not find Doctor Lehmann. The smell in the room stops him in his tracks and he tries to pull a handkerchief from his pocket so he can hold it over his nose. You know why he is here and you stand up and move back so he can see the entire state of both the bed and of your patient.

He looks at you. What he was going to say frozen in his mind as he takes everything in.

"Come and see me later," he says gruffly.

"I intend to," you say.

You move back and tell James that you are going to take him to the shower room to clean him. You try and remove some of the vomit from his gown but in the end you have to give up. The gown is too encrusted, to filthy, it will join the pile of things to burn.

The doctor leaves just as Kristo returns once more with the wheelchair, Stefan just behind him. You ask Kristo if whilst you are out of the room he could remake the bed and clean the room. You have only ever spoken with him a couple of times because he does not work in this area. They use him on the other floors; although Stefan met him when he came to help once to clean up the main room after testing and they were short staffed. You know this is the person that was able to supply the phenacetin. Stefan explained Kristo does not pilfer medical supplies but swaps things with the soldiers on the camp. More of a wheeler-dealer than a black marketeer.

You couldn't help but like him when you first met him. He is also six foot five and handy in a fight. He has only ever seen the patient once before but that was from a distance. He has heard the rumours and seen the leftovers from the experimentation, but he had no idea that a human being was being treated this badly.

You can tell he has been sickened by what he has seen today.

After giving James another beaker of water to drink, you and Stefan move him to the wheelchair, Kristo comes over to help. You then strip everything remaining off the bed and throw it in the corner.

"Can you see if you can get another mattress as well? I'm sure one of the guards will help you, they know where they can get one from." You then indicate the pile of bed clothes in the corner. "Can you also burn all of those."

He nods, and you and Stefan take your patient to the shower room, followed by a guard who is trying not to react to the smell. The guard waits outside as you take your patient in. He knows he will not be required to help. He can see how grey faced the patient is, there is no danger at all.

Stefan has already put clean towels, robes and a smock for you in the shower room. Whilst you quickly peel off your dress, Stefan starts the water, ensuring it is warm. You put a white shift over your underwear, and a shower cap over your hair. It takes too long to dry your hair otherwise. Stefan has already changed into white tee shirt and shorts. You asked Stefan to bring two shower caps in and you take up the spare one and some strips of cotton wadding.

"We need to remove your gown. We'll try not to hurt you. Let us know if you want us to stop," you say.

James closes his eyes and swallows, then you see a small nod of his head.

You both stand the patient up, holding him on both sides and then gently and slowly remove his gown. As the material peels away you hear him whimper and for a moment you close your eyes. Skin and tissue have come away with the material and the bed sores you thought had almost healed last time have reopened. He is bleeding. They have also have burnt him in the most delicate of places.

You hear Stefan swear under his breath.

Before you do anything else you tear the sides of the cap and then place it over his left stub, tying it in place with the cotton strips. It isn't perfect but it will help keep the running water and soap away from the open end.

As you encourage him to walk to the the shower you feel the patient tense up when he gets nearer to the water. "The water is warm, it will help you relax, we are both here, we won't let you fall I promise."

You guide him to the shower, talking quietly and gently to him. He hesitates slightly and then lets you stand him under the warm water. His tense body starts to relax when he feels the warmth of the water.

"I'm just going to clean some of this off, let me know if you want me to stop and I will."

Stefan holds him whilst you gently run a wet sponge over his body. You want to clear away as much of the mess as you can so you can see the damage done. It is worse than you thought. Parts of his buttocks, genitals, and the tops of both legs are rubbed raw. Some of the skin left is sloughing off and you gulp. For a terrible moment you think you are going to be sick.

Your anger starts to resurface. How dare they do this to him, how dare they, he is a human being, not an animal, how much more does he have to go through.

"Freya?" Stefan asks.

You turn to face him and try to keep your voice light but you shake your head __no__. "I think we are going to need to use the creams and dressings. I can't use the soap because it will hurt too much and I don't want to get any more infection in there." You speak in English for the sake of your patient, and Stefan can follow most of what you are saying. You have been teaching him English, unbeknown to Doctor Lehmann.

You both look at your patient. He is trying to speak to you with some difficulty.

"I need to be clean please, I want to be clean...it doesn't matter if its painful. Please. I need to..." his voice is hoarse. Not just from vomiting, but from the little use he has for it.

"I know, I understand," you say, your voice thick. "This will hurt a bit." You realise what a stupid thing you have said. Everything anyone ever does to him hurts him one way or another.

He nods. His eyes are open and although they are not clear you can see he is fighting to keep steady.

You fetch one of the shower chairs and heap towels on top of it, then bring it over and put it under the water. You both lower him onto it.

"Lets start at the top," you say.

"And afterwards, I will shave your face. No stubble. You should always have a man barber and not one of these ladies." Stefan's English is understandable, and he smiles at him, pats him on the shoulder.

James tries to smile back. Stefan notices he is leaning over to one side, and without the patient realising, he moves him gently back into place.

You are going to shampoo his hair but some of it is so matted again you know you cannot get the dirt out so you fetch a pair of scissors and cut away the worst patches, and then you cut it to just below his ears. You then start to shampoo his hair. You massage his scalp gently, knowing it can aid in relaxation. When you rinse the hair you make sure any of the soap goes over the back of the chair and not down onto his skin.

Afterwards, the chair is removed and Stefan helps hold him whilst you wash the parts of him you feel you can use the soap on. The water has softened any stubborn mess and you gently remove anything left, taking care not to touch the raw patches unless they have caught some of the dirt. You are aware that urine has soaked into these patches and you fetch some of the lint Stefan brought with him. Soaking it in just water, you very gently pat the areas. You can tell from the tenseness in his body how much it hurts but he doesn't make a sound. You can already feel the extra heat coming from Zola's serum and for once you are grateful for it because it will help the healing process. Without it, some of the wounds would never heal.

Afterwards, whilst Stefan dries himself and changes, you towel dry the patients hair and then you both work on patting his body dry, being careful around the raw edges. You also remove the cap from his left arm and gently clean the area. You know the new burns will need dressing. You put him in a robe, you can't dress him yet until after you have dressed his wounds. You can see the tiredness in his eyes but he is still trying to remain focused.

Stefan dries off the shower chair and brings it over for the patient to sit on again. Whilst you get dry and change into a clean uniform Stefan had brought along for you he quickly shaves James, talking to him in broken English. His lessons are coming along but he still has a way to go. James is too tired to talk but he does nod and at one point tries to smile again, but it is such a rare feat. Almost as if he has forgotten how to.

You clean off the wheel chair and when Stefan is finished you both take him back to his room. Whilst there is still an underlying smell you are amazed at its cleanliness. Kristo has done well. He has found a new mattress and some of the guards have helped him clean up the room. Whilst they do not normally take notice of what happens around the labs, they are aware of what the American has been put through and some part of them is ashamed of the treatment. This is the only way they can help without showing they care.

Kristo has found a bowl, four oranges and a lemon from somewhere. You can't remember when you last saw decent fruit. He beams at you, but then sees you are confused. How do you tell him you can't feed them to the patient? They would be to acidic for his stomach.

"It will help with the smell," he whispers before you can attempt an explanation. He proceeds to tear them apart, he then puts them in the bowl on the bedside table. And he is right; now all you can now smell is oranges and you realise his heart is in the right place.

You get your patient back onto the bed and you start the drip, then add the morphine from your secret stash. You need to get liquid and pain killers into him as soon as possible. You help him have another drink, having to hold the beaker as his hand is shaking so much. You know he is so close to falling asleep, his eyes are nearly closed already. When you see the drip has started to take effect, the three of you work quickly on treating his wounds, dressing him and making him as comfortable as you can.

You don't put the straps in place, you encourage him to lie on his side as you did the last time. You also tell him he is safe and you will not leave his side. The part about being safe is most probably a lie but for now he is not to know and if it helps him sleep peacefully then you don't mind telling it. You will remain with him tonight, nothing will make you leave his side. You have had enough. The war ends here.

Before his eyes close he tries to smile again.

"I can smell oranges..." he mumbles quietly.

He closes his eyes and you wonder what memories the smell of oranges will carry him away on.


	11. Chapter 11 - Becoming The Primary Carer

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eleven: The Nurse - Becoming The Primary Carer****

One of the guards visits with a private message for you. Doctor Jakobs wishes to see you but not until tomorrow, he wants you to put a report together on what happened today. You look at the message and then at James, who is sleeping. This is so important. You need to say the right thing, to impress on Doctor Jakobs the importance of what is happening.

The other nurses and orderlies have heard what you have done, and you refuse to leave when your replacement arrives. Stefan is with you, and surprisingly enough the guard Eduard Marinov has appeared and actually tells the guards to remove the other nurse. He tells you that you will not be disturbed for the rest of the night.

Stefan leaves for a while and arrives back with food and drink. You wake James up to take some of the soup that has been brought; he is soon fast asleep again, absolutely exhausted, and you leave him be for the rest of the night.

Stefan leaves you so he can sleep. Marinov has found him a bunk for the night in with the guards, daunting but Stefan is grateful - he doesn't want to go back to the dormitory. Stefan has already insisted that he will cover for you the next morning whilst you are seeing Doctor Jakobs. Kristo has said he will come and assist him.

You ask Marinov for one last favour - could one of his guards collect a file of papers for you from under your mattress? He agrees, and it is brought straight back to you.

You have been putting together a report for some time now. You finish work on it and then, pulling up a chair next to James' bedside you make yourself as comfortable as possible, and fall into an uneasy sleep with your feet propped up beside his sleeping form.

Just before ten the next day, you walk into the office. You expect just Doctor Jakobs, but instead they are all there: Doctor Schmidt, Doctor Taffeteer, Doctor Aichinger and, finally, the one you dread: Doctor Lehmann.

They are expecting you.

You know you must keep your temper. You know what these men are like; logic is their main staple diet. They are not just doctors, they are scientists, and they __thrive__ on it. You will need to pander to their arrogance and there must be logic in everything you ask for.

 _ _What she does not know is she has already persuaded one of them. Doctor Jakobs saw the patient; saw what had been done. He doesn't need to listen to what she has to say about the incident, he knows things have to change. It has been on his mind all night and it is why he has called this meeting. He is banking on her feelings for their patient; that she will personally accept responsibility for his welfare.__

They invite you to sit. __Gentlemen to the last.__

"We would like to hear your version of what happened with Nurse Richter and Orderly Wombwell. And why you had the audacity to order them out of the patients room," one of the doctors begins.

 _ _They have already talked to both the nurse and the orderly, both of whom blustered their way through an explanation of how important it was to get the patient to eat but at how he fights them at every turn. About how disruptive he is, how they have problems with him that the doctors don't see. And, they add, how__ she __does not work with them but keeps her distance. "As if she is better than us" Richter had said indignantly.__

You take a deep breath and, trying to sound as professional as you can, you tell them about the scene you found. Whilst describing the condition you found the patient in, a few of them go a little pale and one turns up his nose - as if you had brought the smell into the room with you.

"Richter did say they may have been a little... _ _overzealous__ at feeding time," one of them says, making it sound as though they had been at the zoo.

"Its not overzealousness that caused the problem," you say. "The nursing staff are running a bet. Whomever gets the most of the slop down him gets to win a weeks' supply of cigarettes. They use the same food that they have used all week. It is mouldy. Flies had been feeding of it. It is slop." You pause for effect. "When Stefan and I examined the patient after his shower, he had additional burns. Not just on his body, but on his genitals. All were from the use of the baton; his punishment for not eating the week-old food. We found he had not been cleaned, or allowed out of the bed for three days, and had spent that time lying in his own faeces and urine. They had soaked into his wounds and his bed sores. The straps were so tight that they left deep abrasions which had started to fester and restricted him from moving. He has had no pain medication for months. Not even a saline drip. The food they were feeding him was rancid and mouldy and, as I mentioned, already a week old. I am sure they told you how they spit in it to make it tastier."

They mutter at that. After all, none of them likes to think of themselves as sadists. You notice Doctor Lehmann has not said a word but is watching you closely.

Doctor Jakobs clears his throat.

"I can vouch for what Nurse Bowman is telling us. I saw the condition in which our... _ _patient__ was in. I was shocked. I had never thought about what happens when he is not in with us, but this was bad. I would even go as far as to say it was torture...his condition certainly looked almost as bad as it did when I brought him here from the interrogation camp."

"Well then maybe we could agree that certain conditions are met in future..." Doctor Schmidt begins, but you interrupt him.

"That will not be enough." The room falls ominously quiet.

 _ _Tread carefully.__

They did not see the file in your hand until now. You open it up, stand and hand them several sheets. If you knew there would be more than one of them you would have typed more copies. They think that you were just preparing a report because of yesterday, what they didn't know is that you have been thinking about this since you first came here. You have been putting this file together since you arrived.

"These are facts and figures I have gathered, and some recommendations that I would like to put forward."

They obviously expect you to start with a list of _"_ Do and Don't', but instead you start with statistics.

You list James Barnes' wounds over the past months. Then you bring to their attention the problem of bed sores and enforced bed rest. The statistics show conclusively that patients take longer to heal if forced to lie down for long periods of time. Some even die.

"But this patient heals on his own." Doctor Aichinger argues.

"Yes, but how much faster would it be if he wasn't weakened by infections all of the time?" you counter.

 _ _She has just hit the jackpot but does not know it. She has their full attention.__

You proceed to the figures that show the need to keep muscle tone and strength up.

The need for a proper diet. The slop they feed him in no way benefits their work.

"At the moment you have the patient eating nothing but liquidised vegetables and fruit. And it's not the freshest either; this is food that has already gone past its shelf life. I've seen them prepare it in the kitchens, most of the time it is substandard, leftovers from mealtimes. If the patient had a better diet, comprised of fresh vegetables, fruit, fish, meat, milk, then when your project is ending and you want to see the final results, his digestion, musculature, and nervous system will already be used to ordinary food. At the moment it is not. He cannot even hold proper food down. This means that parts of his body are not getting what they need. An example would be his teeth and bones, which are not getting the calcium they need. There is something in his body that keeps on repairing despite this but you need more than that to happen - you need to give it a building ground to know what to repair and where."

You go on to show that a gentle exercise programme once a day would increase the tone they are building and keep it sharp. "Surely gentleman if you are trying to create an __enhanced__...soldier, you would want him to have his body kept to the peak of its performance? There must be a better way for all of this. You are supposed to be working on a fine specimen of the human race but instead you are continually working on a sick and drugged man, surely your findings are therefore incorrect and the work will take longer?"

You look at them.

"Gentleman, we all know how important musculature and supreme health would be to an enhanced soldier - unless of course, I have misunderstood the valuable work you are doing here, and you are trying to find a way to kill a super soldier instead of __building__ one?"

No one says a word. They are studying the statistics, showing each other things they have found of interest. You wait for a break in what they are saying to focus them back on to you and what you are telling them. Even Lehmann is studying the facts. "I can give you an example of where I know the treatment he is receiving from the staff is giving you conflicting results on your serum. You mention how thirsty he always appears to be. I heard you talking about it; you said you think it is a by-product of your serum. I don't believe it is. The nursing staff keep his saline drip turned off as part of his punishment. He is always dehydrated, always desperate for water."

 _ _Doctor Jakobs closes his eyes in frustration. He had noticed and is now cursing himself for not putting two and two together. The months they have lost on just that one small problem!__

"Then there is the pain medication." You proceed to ask quietly if they are aware of the fact that the patient's supplies of morphine are actually syphoned off and sold on the black market. "In the entire time that I have been here I have only been able to administer a morphine dose three times and that is only because I had some hidden. Do you know the pain our patient is in most of the time? They use gags to keep him quiet, so you don't hear him screaming when he is strapped to the bed so tightly the straps bite into his skin and cause even more sores and muscle cramps. Or when he screams because the serum is doing something to his bones and his muscles and he can't move to ease the pain. Or when they burn him as punishment for wetting the bed because they don't take him to the bathroom."

You take a breath, then continue.

"The only time he is cleaned is when he is due to be tested...and they do it with bleach and hard bristled brooms. The bleach being poured on his open wounds was punishment for him killing that orderly. The one that helped rape him. Did you know that?"

Your words shock them. For the first time they realise that they do not know what is happening under their very own noses.

 _ _Doctor Lehmann looks up. He is the only one not too shocked by what she has said. He knows what was going on - or thought he did. He has to admit though, he had no idea about the severity of the treatment, about the lack of morphine or the rape. He wants James Barnes to be in a weak frame of mind but maybe, just maybe, he thinks for the first time, he has been going about this in the wrong way.__

 _ _She has given him food for thought.__

 _ _Work on the body first, and then they can turn their attention to breaking his mind.__

"Is that it?" he asks.

"Nearly," you say, and give them your best smile. "If you will let me, I have a proposal for a better health plan for him which should impact in a positive way on your research, which in turn should make Hydra extremely pleased with you...all of you," you add, and you are now focusing on Lehmann.

You finally allow yourself to fall silent.

Bullshit and confidence.

None of those statistics you have quoted to your knowledge exist, and if they do, you certainly do not have access to that type of information, especially buried down here God knows where. If any of them ask you, you are prepared to say you learnt them when studying to become a nurse and it was what they used in a field camp and at the main hospital.

Bullshit and confidence.

They talk quietly amongst themselves and then ask you for your proposal. You hear Doctor Jakobs saying it can't hurt to listen. You hand them several sheets of paper and take a deep breath.

"All of the nurses and most of the orderlies you use are from prisons, and in most cases there is a reason why they were there. They also have no medical training. None. You do not need all of these people. If you look on Page 2, you will see a feasible rota made up of two nurses and two orderlies; I have also taken the liberty of adding names in for the orderlies. We would need to get a second nurse from a reputable hospital; the ones you employ are not suitable for their tasks. The two orderlies are decent men, hard-working, who do care for the patient - and I should like to keep them on."

They look at you and then back at the papers, murmuring to each other.

"I have also included a plan of a carefully balanced nutritional diet which factors in all the patient would need and the exercise programme I mentioned earlier. And there is just one other thing," you wait until you have their attention again.

"The batons that are used burn his skin, not just the skin but all the way through to flesh. They are not needed. Instead..." and you hate yourself for this, but it is better than what they currently use

"...batons that emit just a small electrical charge instead would be better and less disruptive to his health."

You would like to have argued a case for nothing to be used, but you are practical. You know they would never agree to their abandonment altogether.

"I can see you have been thorough," says Doctor Lehmann. You are used to his sarcasm, but this man should be watched very carefully. He is so ambitious and you know he runs the operation now. You need him on-board.

The doctors ask you to wait outside.

You nod, but just as you go out of the door you say: "...and of course, with a smaller workforce of the correct personnel less people would know of your...important work. After all the black market is also a place for secrets to be sold, which is not good for you or for Hydra."

You leave. Sitting outside the room you go over and over what you have said. Could you have said it better? Have you persuaded them? What if they turn you down?

You hear footsteps and look up to see Eduard Marinov. He frowns at you but does not stop to talk. He knocks on the door and is told to come in.

Your stomach hits the floor. You have failed. He has been summoned to be your executioner. Yet all you can think is you have let James down again; to you, it is akin to letting them take him in the field camp and not doing anything to stop them.

Marinov is not in there for long and when he comes out he walks off in the other direction without even looking at you. You stare at the floor, convinced of your failure. Your mind cannot handle any more.

You are asked to go back in. You are convinced they will not take up your proposal, you have let your patient down. It is your appointment that will be terminated; you who will be put in front of a firing squad.

You must not let them see your lack of confidence.

Doctor Jakobs is the one that does the talking. Lehmann sits there studying you. Jakobs tells you that they took a vote on it, that just one doctor had reservations but in the end he agreed as anything is better than what is currently in operation.

"But," and at this point Lehmann interrupts leaning forward and takes over. "We have two provisions."

You nod but you feel like you are under water. __They went for it!__ You drag your mind back to what you are being told.

 _ _Concentrate.__

" _ _You__ will become the patient's primary carer. Everything that happens to him in your care will be your total responsibility. You will also be the only nurse we keep, but we will allow the two orderlies to stay."

 _ _Doctor Jakobs is the one to thank for that. It is he who vouched for your choice of both Stefan and Kristo, for he remembered Stefan's work on the day the patient killed the orderly.__

You did not mean for that. You meant for his care to be split between you, one other nurse and the two orderlies. "I don't think I understand..." you begin but Doctor Lehmann smiles and explains so that you are in no doubt as to his orders.

"The responsibility for this is on __your__ shoulders, and yours alone. We expect to be consulted on the diet and exercise programme you come up with - although you seem to know what you are talking about. We expect to see an improvement in his condition and therefore in our own findings within the month. With regard to the exercise programme, this will be kept to a minimum. Just enough to keep the body going. We will worry about more...in-depth exercise when he is where we want him in the program."

"And the second?" you ask.

"As he gets fitter and more..." he searches for the word "... __alert,__ shall we say, he will remain sedated at all times."

 _ _Lehmann knows that when the patient becomes stronger and able to function he may either seek his freedom or attempt to kill himself once more. He will not allow either eventualities to happen.__

Your immediate thought is to argue, but you have won so much today. You could lose it all. This way little by little you could work on the sedation issue.

You nod instead. "And the batons?"

Doctor Jakobs answers that one. "We will issue new batons as soon as possible. It may take a few days but I am sure we can get that done soon." He actually smiles at you.

"Thank you," you say and you mean it. To not to have to see the seared and burnt flesh or hear his cries is more than you could have hoped for.

"You will in future deal directly with myself and Doctor Lehmann," Doctor Jakobs tells you, and then they dismiss you.

As you open the door to leave, Doctor Lehmann asks one more question.

"Nurse Bowman, do you not want to know what your punishment will be if you fail?" he asks, his smile cold.

You look at him, and although your knees go weak you do not show it.

"I won't fail," you say, and then you leave, closing the door quietly behind you, Your legs barely able to hold you up.

 _ _As the door closes the doctors are quiet. It is Doctor Lehmann who finally breaks the silence.__

" _ _Gentlemen, I believe what the nurse has said is correct - but we must not let our guard down with that one. We know she is loyal to Barnes, not to us. Doctor Jakobs, I want to know all that she discusses with you in the future. Do I make myself clear?"__

 _ _Jakobs would like to argue but Lehmann has Zola himself backing him. They know it will not be long before he is awarded the directorate of the facility, he is someone to watch out for, unless you want to end up buried in an unmarked grave.__

" _ _Yes I understand."__

" _ _We are so close now and when we are at the right stage we will begin working on breaking his mind. I feel the end may actually be coming into sight." Lehmann actually claps his hands, rubbing them together.__

 _ _He stands.__

" _ _Now, let us get back to work."__

You head for the toilets and get there just in time to bring up what little breakfast you had. You cannot believe they went for it. You cannot believe you are up to this. But you must be, you are all James has now and you won't let him down.

It is midday and you return to your dormitory, dreading facing the other nurses. But when you get there it is only to find it empty of everything and everyone: people, furniture, everything has gone. How fast they move when Hydra makes its mind up about something. You look at the room and wonder what has happened to the people you have been responsible for getting rid of. Are they back in prison cells...or, more likely, lying dead somewhere. Food for the worms. You think you know which one. Hydra likes its secrecy and they were people who were willing to sell anything.

You know their deaths are on your head and if that is the case, then so be it. You try and analyse how little that affects you and start to feel a little frightened about how callous you are becoming. They were __people__ after all. Then you remember how they treated James, and your jaw tightens.

Your patient is your only concern.

A year ago it would have devastated you to cause the deaths of so many people. Now you feel nothing for them, what are you beginning to turn into?

Stefan joins you, making you jump. You had prayed he was safe and you had believed Doctor Jakobs when he said your choice of personnel was accepted.

"They have moved us into rooms on the third floor," he says. "Doctor Jakobs asked me to come and find you, Kristo is in with our patient."

As you walk you tell him what happened at the meeting. He doesn't say much but you think he looks relieved. You both return to the floor you work on, and Stefan shows you to a room that is set up for you. There is a bed in there with your pitiful belongings.

"Kristo and I are just down the corridor on the other side, we're sharing a room," and he tries to smile to lighten the situation. He is worried. He doesn't know how Kristo will be if he finds out the secret he is hiding.

When he has left you look around the room. It isn't much but at least there is only one room between you and James. His welfare is now in your hands and for a moment it makes you feel dizzy and sick. Then it hits you. What if you had let everything carry on as it had been, and the project had crashed and burned?

He would have been out of it. Dead.

And now?

Now, he is forced to stay alive and be their guinea pig. Have you really done him any favours? What is it about you that is so bad for him? Why are your lives so twisted together? You thought you were doing the best thing for him but you weren't, not really.

For a moment you sit on the bed and stare at the wall. You cannot believe how much your life has changed since that day the soldiers dragged James Barnes into the camp.

You bow your head.

"What if I had just gone back to my tent that day," you murmur. " What if I had l just left well alone?"

There is no one to answer that but yourself.


	12. Chapter 12 - I Never Told You His Name

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Twelve: The Nurse - I Never Told You His Name****

Doctor Jakobs comes to find you to discuss the nutrition programme and exercise regime you have created. They seem to be working, but there are a few things he needs to ask you.

You meet him in the corridor; you have just handed over to Stefan for a few hours. It is late afternoon. You are feeling tired, it has already been a long day.

He can see how pale you are. "When was the last time you were above?"

You smile. It is sad. "I haven't been up there since I was brought here. I've forgotten what its like."

 _ _God how long ago was that?__ Your mind can't help but wonder.

You watch as he reaches a decision. He knows you won't run. Its not in your nature, and he knows you will not leave your patient. Not for the first time Doctor Jakobs wonders what it is about this man that has such a hold over you.

"Come on."

You follow. You are too tired to ask where to.

After stopping by the canteen and obtaining two coffees and cake, he leads you to the main elevator - a place you are no longer allowed. The guard there makes to stop you but Doctor Jakobs intervenes.

"She's with me."

When you step out into the fresh air, the brightness of the day blinds you, the smells assault you and you realise it is autumn. Your eyes water and you feel a breeze wrap itself around your body. You are almost brought to your knees from everything that overwhelms you.

You both step away from the building, but as you walk forward you take in what you are seeing and stop. The expanse of the camp is laid out before you and it takes your breath away. The night you came here it was dark; you had no idea the operation was so large. You look around. You can still only see part of the camp and part of how it is laid out but other things about it shock you. You only saw soldiers briefly the first night, but even so they were Russian soldiers. It had obviously been a Russian Military Camp then, but now?

Now it was different.

 _ _Frighteningly__ so.

The soldiers you can see are no longer in Russian uniform. They wear the black uniforms of Hydra, with the red design on their shoulders. Some of the buildings have also been stencilled with the Hydra sign. You can see tanks, huge things easily twice the size of ordinary ones, immense guns on trailers, and fleets of other armoured vehicles you do not recognise. Over it all flies a flag. Not the normal Russian flag, but one that bears the Hydra insignia. You can hear shouts of men and marching feet, and to your right in the distance is a parade ground containing hundreds of squads of soldiers. You have never seen so many. Everyone is armed, everyone seems to have a purpose. High walls surround the camp, you can see towers on two of the corners, the others are obscured by even more buildings.

"Scary isn't it?" Jakobs says quietly when he sees where you are looking.

You look away, fear clutching at you.

"Is this why you brought me up here? To see this?" you ask.

He seems shocked.

"No, no why would I...you looked pale, I thought some sun and fresh air would do you good. That is the only reason. "

And you believe him; for some reason you believe this man. You look at him your eyes watering in the light. There is a weakness there. No, not a weakness, a side to him maybe buried. He was once a good man...and then Hydra got hold of him.

He hands you a cup, takes your arm and leads you over to an area with tables and benches. He sits you down and he passes you a cake. How civilised this all seems, yet below the earth, below your feet is a world made out of fear and torture.

"I don't know even know where we are," you say.

He looks at you and then away.

"Do any of us know where we are?" he asks cryptically. He cannot tell you, it is no good pushing him for things he cannot say. If you had any thoughts of getting James Barnes out of here they have been totally annihilated. No one could escape this.

You pick up your cup to drink some coffee to change the subject, to start again. "Nice coffee." And you take a sip.

He lets you compose yourself for a while. He can see the shock of the camp in your eyes; he didn't realise you didn't even know where you were. But it makes sense when he thinks about it. Lehmann will be furious if he finds out you have been brought up here.

 _ _Sod him.__

You tilt your head back to feel the low sun on your face and close your eyes. If only you could bring James up here, let him feel the breeze, let him see the blue of the sky, hear the rustle of the leaves. You look down and see Jakobs is watching you. The thought of asking him goes through your mind. He sees it and shakes his head.

He knows what you were going to ask.

And you know it is too soon to request, to soon for them to trust you.

Doctor Jakobs gets down to business, and you discuss the doctors' concerns and come up with solutions. You and Stefan were given authorisation to order all the food for the patients' diet and to oversee its preparations in the kitchen. You started James off on nutritional soups and light food and now you have been able to introduce more substantial food. It is already showing a difference.

But, as Jakobs reminds you, they do not want anything introduced that may stimulate him. His food is to be beneficial only. Food that will help with the development of his body.

"And his mind?" you ask, but it is not really a question and Jakobs knows you don't expect an answer.

The exercise program is more restricted. They agreed to letting him get out of bed every day, walking him around, up and down the corridor but no where else. Doctor Jakobs was honest with you. They just need to keep his muscle tone up; everything else they will worry about when the project nears completion. Doctor Jakobs knows you have had all the restraints removed from the bed, but he has not brought this to Lehmanns notice. He feels it is not really something Lehmann needs to know.

You want to ask him for more details of what the future holds for your patient; but you know he cannot tell you. You want to keep this man on your side. He is the only doctor sympathetic to James' Barnes plight.

He tells you the new batons are working out well. Marinov was in charge of issuing them.

When they were first issued you had Marinov use one on you to see what level of shock James would receive if he was touched by one of them. It was enough to make your arm dead for over half an hour. They have higher settings but you were promised that they have been ordered to only use them on the lower setting. Marinov has also promised that the guards have been told that anyone found using theirs on a higher setting will be punished.

"Believe me," he said grimly "none of us want to be punished by Hydra."

You believe him.

Marinov has been made supervisor to the guards overseeing your floor. He is the one you are to go to with any problems. And any complaints. So far you have had none. There was a major change in the guards on the floor. The ones from the Gulag have gone. The standards improved. They are no longer the ones who look at you and James with mean looks and smirks. These ones are of a tougher calibre, they are professional. Neither are they just Russians, you have heard some of them talk in different languages: German, French, some languages you do not recognise. You know the war is over and you can see that Hydra is growing, finding roots in all countries, in all cultures.

You mention sedation again and Doctor Jacobs tuts, not because he is annoyed with you but because Lehmann said you would bring it up and he hates to admit when Lehmann is right. "As the patient becomes stronger we will begin to use more sedatives not less. As the project goes on, the sedatives will need to be stronger and the more he will be sedated. This is one issue we will be firm on. If you are not able to do this then now is the time to say."

He is deadly serious.

It is not open for discussion.

You nod and duck your head to drink. You were afraid of this. Both you and Stefan have noticed how much stronger James Barnes is getting, and obviously the doctors have noticed to. More guards have already been posted and armed with the batons, though too date none of them have had to use them.

The guards still carry their guns. After all, the patient may not be the only danger to them.

"No one has talked to me yet about the new sedatives that will be used," you say.

"They will. What we use will be Leh...Doctor Lehmanns' choice. I believe he has options that you may not have ever seen or used before." And that is all he will say.

You know it is time to go back underground, but Doctor Jacob surprises you. He seems genuinely concerned about your pallor and a few moments more will not do any harm. He does not know but these few more moments will end up making him re-evaluate all that, until now, he has taken as being important.

They will even make him question his continual devotion to Hydra.

You are both quiet. You feel that in another time and place you could have been friends, but in your mind you see him working on the patient. And he sees the change in your eyes and seems to know what you are thinking.

"I know what is going through your mind, but you don't know me and you don't know my circumstances. I lost my family in the allied bombing. My wife and two children were buried under what had been our house. It took a week to get their bodies out so I could bury them. All I have left is my work. Don't judge me. I think what Hydra is doing is important. We can make a better world." The last part is almost a whisper to himself.

You are quiet for a moment.

"I'm sorry," you say. And you do mean it.

"May I tell you a story?" you ask.

He seems surprised, but nods.

You think for a moment. "A few years ago, before I came here, I worked in various hospital field camps. The work was hard, long hours, comforting soldiers whilst they were having limbs amputated or worse, comforting them as they lay dying. Some so young they hadn't even started their lives yet."

You stop. You know this is going to be difficult, but you need to get him to understand something.

He is listening.

"One afternoon I had just finished my shift. All I wanted was to go back to my bunk lay down and sleep, I couldn't think of men dying any more. I just wanted to sleep. To get away. A group of soldiers came in. They were dragging a dead body along the ground.

These men and their leader were always coming in to camp to try and sell dead body parts to our doctors; we couldn't get them to realise dead organs were of no use to us. I had to talk to one of the doctors first and later when I came out I could hear shooting and laughing.

I should have ignored it, gone to my tent and shut the world out, but I didn't. Instead I went to see what was happening. The group of soldiers had got hold of cheap vodka and were getting drunk. Some of them were scrapping over a pile of belongings that they had just stripped from the corpse they had brought with them and were divvying up their treasure."

As you picture it in your mind your throat thickens. "A few of them had decided it would be fun to to tie the dead man to a tree - they were drunker than I had ever seen them – and use him for rifle practise. Most of their shots went wide, but a few hit home. They found it so funny when they missed and cheered when they hit the body."

You look at Jakobs. He is still listening and you can see a look of pity for you in his eyes - but you don't want that pity. It shouldn't be for you.

"The leader decided it was time to leave. They cut the body down and left him naked and lying in the snow. The leader went to fire a bullet into the dead mans face to obliterate his features. Its what they did, turn a man, their enemy, into nothing but dead meat.

I couldn't stand it and tried to stop him. He turned the rifle on me instead. I thought he was going to kill me but then someone from the camp saw him and yelled. He laughed at me and lowered his rifle. I suppose I must have looked terrified. He spat at my feel and then walked away.

When they had gone I knelt next to the dead man and turned him over to face me. He was foreign...he was so young...so very young...he had had his whole life in front of him and then the war had started and he ended up here, thousands of miles away from his home, dead and being used as target practice. I wonder, do you think he would have married, had children, lived on a farm or worked in a city?" You smile but there are tears in your eyes.

Jakobs realises the question is metaphorical and does not answer, but he does look away.

You continue. "It had started snowing again and the flakes were covering up the wounds. His whole body had suffered terrible injuries. But then as I went to cover him with my coat I realised he was bleeding and when I looked at his face his eyes were open and looking at me."

Jakobs swears softly under his breath.

"How did I miss it? How did I not notice? Looking back I had seen the trail of blood in the snow when they dragged him into the camp." Your voice shows the contempt you hold for yourself.

"You were tired, you..."

"No!" You say it louder than you meant to. "No." You are quieter. "I should have seen. It was my job to help, my job, there was no excuse," you emphasise.

You are both quiet for a while.

"Did he die?" Jakobs asks.

"No." You swallow. "No, he lived." You try to smile but it is more like a grimace. "We looked after him. He was a mess. We bathed and dressed his wounds, set his bones. He was unconscious for most of the time...but it was only a matter of time before someone heard there was a foreigner in the camp. When someone got wind of it they came and took him away."

Jakobs tries to make you feel better. "When the war ended we sent all the prisoners of war home...he is probably living in some small town now, raising those children you wondered about."

"Do you think so?" you ask.

He is not sure what the point of your story is but you have gone quiet. Very quiet. The day is getting late, there is still work to be done. He stands up and so do you. You have drunk your coffee but not touched your cake.

As you walk to go into the building and the elevator that will take you back, you look over your shoulder at the final sunshine of the day. You take a deep breath of fresh air then you enter the building. Jakobs senses a sadness about you. He is quiet whilst you both ride down in the elevator. The elevator comes to a stop and you both get out.

"I'll let you go and get back to what you were doing," he says, and goes to walk the other way down the corridor. His mind is already putting your story to one side and thinking about his work.

Before you go back through the gate you turn and call his name, he turns. "The man in the camp...I never told you his name did I?"

He shakes his head. Why would it matter to him? Maybe he has indulged you for too long. Everyone has their sad stories about the war.

You look straight into his eyes. "His name was James Buchanan Barnes."

His widen in shock.

You have reached the point of your story. " And as we both know, he never made it home. He __didn't__ get to meet the girl of his dreams and have those children. If I had just let him die that day it would of been the kindest thing I could have ever done."

You see the numbness as James Buchanan Barnes suddenly becomes a person in Jakobs' mind. A man who had a life. Someone who had a past but no future. They had taken that away from him. He wasn't a lab experiment, he wasn't there through choice and Doctor Jakobs and the others have broken their Hippocratic oath.

You turn and go through the gate.

 _ _Jacobs watches her leave. His mind working, his thoughts very much now on the patient; on the man called James Barnes.__

 _ _On the point of her story.__


	13. Chapter 13 - Nightmares

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Thirteen: James Barnes - Nightmares****

James notices a difference, but it takes him a few days to realise things had changed so drastically. His nurse is with him all of the time now and the only orderlies he sees are the one who worked with her. They are kind, attentive and he sees they do not carry batons. The guards are different as well. He no longer sees the two who helped rape him.

Freya has told him that things would be different, and he begins to believe her and begins to hope.

He is also feeling better. His wounds are healing, and he has not been taken to the main room in over a week. They are allowing the worst of his injuries to heal first before they begin to create any more. The food he is given to eat is fresh, palatable and there is always plenty of water. The drip is kept on when needed and he is now able to make do with only a low percentage of the morphine.

He doesn't feel so dizzy all the time and he actually begins to feel stronger in himself. Several times a day they allow him to get out of bed. At first he was able to manage only a few steps, but now he is able to walk with their help down the corridor. The guards walk with them, but James knows he is still not in a position to be of harm to anyone.

The straps on the bed are gone completely and he can sleep in any position he needs to to get comfortable. If he needs the bathroom during the night he only has to ask. They are talking of turning the storage room next to his into a toilet and he knows his nurse is now sleeping on this floor. She is there any time he needs her.

His room and bed are kept clean. He has regular showers, and clean clothes - even his own toothbrush. They have exchanged the gowns for pyjamas so that he doesn't feel so exposed, so vulnerable.

Unbeknown at first to his nurse and orderlies, Doctor Lehmann pays him a visit during the first week of changes. He doesn't want the patient to get to comfortable, he wants him to know what is at stake, he wants to keep lowering his defences.

Keep him on edge.

He speaks in broken English, but it is good enough for James to understand what Lehmann is telling him.

Lehmann first tells him that they have changed the way he is looked after to show how generous they are. He tells him they will begin again the important work and that there are still many trials and tribulations ahead of him - in other words, they will start to hurt him again soon. And, he says, they are very pleased with his progress.

"The nurse was clever in what she told us, Sergeant Barnes." Lehmann sits on the edge of the bed and James would have liked to have moved away from him but he doesn't feel he can - doesn't want to show he is cowed by this man.

A guard stands in the room, but James can see Lehmann feels safe enough to come this close. His old self would have tried something, anything but now he is beaten - __almost__ broken - it is all he can do to survive each day without any hope of ever being free.

"The other nurses, orderlies __pssht__... Lehmann clicks his fingers suddenly which makes his patient jump.

"...gone, dead, rotting in the ground as we speak." He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

Lehmann gets up and wanders around the room picking up objects and putting them down again speaking in his own language, James has no clue as to what he is saying.

Eventually, the doctor comes back to his bedside. "The nurse she is smart. Do you like her?"

James does not answer. He does not know if it is question or Lehmann is just confirming something.

"Come now. We are both men! I asked if you like her?" he says, and James realises an answer is needed. His mind is still easily confused and he feels a fog descending. Is this a test? A trick? What does he say? His ears begin to buzz and it feels like he cannot hear properly so he is unsure as to whether his answer is heard or not because his voice is so quiet.

"Yes," he nods as he says it. Then he struggles to add more "...she...is very kind."

Lehmann laughs. "Oh yes, but come now we are __men__ ..." James feels disturbed when Lehmann winks lewdly "...kind but strong. We will have to watch her." He waves his hand at the guard. "The guards are not just here for you, they are for her as well. Any false step and __psssht__...she will be gone to join the others. Another rotting corpse." He smiles inside when he sees James' eyes widen.

James hopes he has heard wrong, he begins to feel sick inside. He starts to get hot, to sweat and he feels that the air is being sucked from the room.

"Oh yes, she likes you, in fact we __know__ she is in love with you. Tell me Sergeant Barnes, how much do you like her, __hmm__? Enough to care what happens to her? You do not want to lose her, no?" He leans closer and now James sees a cruel glint in his eye.

This man is dangerous.

"Over the next few months you will start to feel stronger. Your mind will be clearer and as such it would be stupid of us not to think that you will consider escaping. You are deep underground, this facility is surrounded by forest and manned by thousands of soldiers and is in the middle of nowhere and as such there is no where to go. You would not even be able to get off this floor. I want you to understand this so you do not waste the time trying.

The other thing you may think of is to hurt yourself. You gave us all quite a scare the last time. But your body is now better at healing itself, and it would be stupid of you to even consider suicide. It would not work, do you understand? In time you will come around to our way of thinking, but for now let me tell you something that may help you make up your mind." He is studying James, and James cannot tear his gaze away. "The nurse, this __Freya__ , she is made responsible for you and I am making you responsible for her, you understand?"

James cannot move, his mouth is dry, the hum in his ears is getting louder, moving into his brain. He is trying to breathe but the air is not getting into his lungs.

"One false step from you and she will be shot. One from her and the same will happen. I expect you to..." he looks about to find the right word "...work with us and she is told the rules, if we find her breaking them then she will be gone, __pssssht__." He clicks his fingers again and the noise seems louder this time as if it is a rifle shot.

He pats James' arm and stands back up. "I take it, Sergeant Barnes, that you understand what I am telling you hmm?"

James is still finding it difficult to breathe. He nods and gulps and can feel his heart thud. He doesn't want to be alone again. He doesn't want to think of her dead. He doesn't want to think of what would happen if he did something wrong or if she did.

 _ _Oh God I can't breathe, there's no air.__ He is blinking rapidly, trying to clear his sight.

Lehmann sees the panic in his eyes, hears the trouble the patient is having breathing.

 _ _Perfect.__

He turns to the guard. "Get the nurse," he says, calmly, and the guard hurries out.

Lehmann turns back to James. "I see you understand. We understand together, yes?" He smiles again.

James can hear his heartbeat thudding louder in his ears. He can't get enough oxygen. He is struggling to sit up, his hand clenching the blanket, he feels so hot, so claustrophobic, panic is taking over.

Lehmann watches him struggling, all the time inspecting him like an insect trapped on a board. He makes no move to help. He knows he has the patient just where he wants him.

The nurse comes running in with the orderly. She sees the state the patient is in straight away.

"What happened?" She goes straight to her patient, helping him sit up. She looks at Lehmann and repeats her question.

"We were just having a little chat," Lehmann says.

She frowns.

She turns back to James. Stefan is one side, she is the other, but they are not crowding him.

She talks to the patient in English.

"Its all right. Take it slowly, look at me, look at me." He does, eyes wide, sweat on his forehead and top lip. He grabs her hand, trying to concentrate on her - her words. She sees the utter panic in his eyes. "Breathe slowly, in and out, like me." She puts his hand on her chest and breathes in and out and then she puts it on his. "Thats it, in...out, slowly."

She can see he is trying to do what she says.

"Well, Nurse, I will leave him in your capable hands," she hears Lehmann say. She ignores him. Her whole attention is on James, she doesn't look away from him, just keeps talking quietly, gently, until she can see he is getting his breathing under control.

Lehmann leaves them to it. He is pleased with how the interview went. His English lessons are coming on __so__ well.

James is starting to hear things properly again. He can hear what she is saying, and he lessens his grip on her hand. She smiles. She indicates Stefan, who is holding a drink of water, and Stefan helps James hold it so he can drink. He is exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, his skin still pale and sweaty but the heat is dissipating and they help him lie back down. He feels the softness of the pillow behind him and wants so badly to close his eyes and be away from this place.

The doctor has threatened to take his nurse away, and the thought terrifies him. It is not just the fact that she is kind. She is the only thing he has left in the world, they have taken everything else. He can't lose her, the thought makes him sick inside.

He feels her let go of his hand and opens his eyes as she goes to move.

"Don't go." His voice is rusty, hoarse, full of panic and he makes a grab for her hand. But then he sees she is pulling up a chair to sit beside him, and he feels safe once again

She leans in and sweeps his hair away from his forehead.

"We will need to cut this again. It grows so fast that it will be longer than mine soon." She is trying to distract him, trying to get him to relax and it works.

He tries to return her smile and it breaks her heart to see.

"Sleep. I won't leave I promise. I'll be right here." He looks deep into her eyes and knows she won't leave him. He knows he is being selfish keeping her here, but he cannot do without her now. He will do everything they tell him to, he will give them no cause to take her away.

Stefan comes over and talks quietly to her and then passes her a drink and some files, then leaves.

Once or twice James opens his eyes but she is still there, her feet are propped on the side frame of his bed and she is writing and reading the paperwork propped on her knees. He drifts off listening to the rustling of the paper.

 _ _He is in a forest, one he recognises. The rustling of the paper has become rustling of the branches overhead.__

 _ _It is snowing, gentle flakes that land on his blue jacket. He is lying on the cold ground. He tries to blink away the flakes on his eyelashes, tries to lift his hand. He looks down. He has no hand on his left side, there is just a ragged mess above his elbow.__

 _ _His heart starts to thud.__

 _ _He can hear snow crunching underfoot as someone starts to walk towards him, someone blond, someone he knows.__

 _ _Steve.__

" _ _Steve..." he tries to call him.__

 _ _Steve is in the distance, looking around, looks straight at him and then away again.__

" _ _I can't find him. Bucky's not here." James hears him say.__

" _ _Steve, Steve I'm here! Over here!" But he can't move, he can't attract Steve's attention, his voice is so quiet that no one can hear him.__

 _ _He tries to shout. "Steve...Steve..." But Steve has turned and is walking away from him now. "No, no, Steve, I'm here, don't leave me, don't leave me." He is crying, he is desperate, his legs won't work, he can't move even though he is doing everything he can to try.__

 _ _For a moment the figure of Steve seems to waver, ripple.__

 _ _Then it is as if Steve hears him and turns around and starts to move forward, starts to move towards him.__

 _ _Hope blooms in Bucky's chest.__

 _ _"Thank God. Steve you have to..." But as the man comes closer, there is something wrong with Bucky's eyesight, the figure is no longer clear, it wavers.__

 _ _He blinks, wipes his eyes with his right hand.__

 _ _Then it clears.__

 _ _The man walks up to him and leans in and Bucky tries to cry out when he sees who it is. It is the scientist Zola, the one who experimented on him. Steve has gone.__

"No..." he murmurs in his sleep. The nurse looks up.

" _ _Ah, Sergeant Barnes..." Zola is smiling, reaching out to touch him "...the procedure has already started."__

 _ _He tries to shrink back away from the man's hand but he can't. He can still see the flakes of snow falling, still feels the cold, sees Zola's face smiling and then he is being moved - dragged along the ground.__

" _ _Steve help me, Steve!" Bucky sees the figure of Steve in the distance, shield grasped firmly on his arm, still walking away, still leaving him. Bucky tries to cry out, but his voice is just a whisper.__

Dreams are strange things, nightmares are worse. You believe them when you are trapped within them. You cannot escape. Things and locations change, but your mind accepts them, readjusts itself.

 _ _A moment ago he was out in the forest with Zola but now he is in the main room. He is on the table, strapped down and he still can't move, he is trapped.__

 _ _People are walking around dressed for a medical operation. They wear masks over their mouths and noses but he still knows who they are. He recognises Lehmann. Lehmann has not pulled his mask up yet, his smile is predatory as he looks at Bucky. He steps closer and brings up the tool he has in his hand, it is a small bone saw and he starts it.__

" _ _No, no, don't...don't , no please don't." Bucky is begging him, trying so hard to get free but instead he can hear the saw.__

" _ _First we remove what remains of your left arm, then all of your right and then your legs. You will never be able to escape us then," Lehmann says to him as he brings his mask up to cover his mouth.__

" _ _Little bit by little bit..." Lehmann lowers the blade to what remains of Bucky's left arm and he feels the blade cut into him and screams.__

"Its all right! Its all right! Can you hear me, you're having a nightmare. You're safe, James." Someone is shaking him awake, gentle hands touch him and he opens his eyes. His heart is thumping and he looks around thinking Lehmann is still there with the saw. "Its all right, its all right."

He sees his nurse instead.

"Lehmann, he's going to...he's going to cut off the rest of my arm, he's going to..." he is babbling, verging on the edge of hysteria.

"Its all right James, Lehmanns not here."

He releases the breath that he was holding. He is trembling.

She is sitting on the side of the bed, one hand on his forehead. He can feel her cool skin, her other hand is the other side of him leaning on the bed clothes. She smiles at him but he can see the worry in her eyes and he closes his briefly, trying to get himself under control.

"Zola, I saw Zola as well," he says.

He looks back at her.

"No one here but you and me...oh, and him." She indicates the guard who is sat on a chair inside the room, frowning at them.

She turns to the guard. "Just a nightmare nothing to worry about," she says in Russian.

He nods.

She turns back to James.

"You're okay." She touches his shoulder. "Would you like a drink?" she asks.

He nods and she stands to fetch one whilst he takes a deep breath, trying to calm his heart, staring at the ceiling.

It had seemed so real. He was back in the forest where the patrol had found him, he saw Steve but Steve couldn't see him, and then Zola was there. Whats happening to his mind?

 _ _Steve, God, wherever you are please help me. Please get me out of here. Please Steve help me, I need you so badly.__

He has never needed Steve so much as he needs him now. He closes his eyes for a moment.

The nurse is back and helps him drink, then puts the cup down.

She knows the guard doesn't speak English but she knows she has to be careful. She sits on the side of the bed.

"What did Doctor Lehmann say to you?" she asks quietly. She thinks that whatever it was has triggered the nightmare. She knows Lehmann; whatever he said must have caused the panic attack and this.

He knows that he can't tell her the truth. Lehmann had intimated that the nurse knew she would lose her life if she made a wrong move – but he can't tell her his behaviour could harm her too. He can't lose her, he can't.

He looks away and swallows.

She waits quietly. He needs to tell her something.

"They are going to start the experimentation again, whatever it is," he says his voice quiet.

"Did he give you any details?" she asks and he shakes his head.

"No."

The guard calls over to her and asks her what they are saying. They converse back and forward in Russian until the guard seems happy.

She looks at James again and he can see concern in her eyes and that makes his well up.

"You..." he clears his throat "...you won't leave me will you?" he asks. He hates the sound of desperation in his voice. __Where was the brave man who entered this war? The one who was so cocky, so full of life?__

"Did Lehmann say I would?" she asks.

He doesn't reply.

She takes his hand and kisses the back of it and then looks deep into his eyes, her own showing he means the world to her.

"I will never leave you James. Never. You are not alone, I won't let that happen." She leans forward and kisses his forehead.

The guard stands up, but so does she. She says something to him and he sees a look of shame come over the guard's face. He blushes, mumbles something, and sits back down.

She turns back to James.

"Try to get some sleep now." She smiles and sits back down on the chair.

He believes her. He is not alone.

He lies there and tries not to think of Steve, of his friends, of how long it has been, trying not to wonder what Steve is doing now - would they still be looking for him after all this time?

He had not been thinking of escape, but he realises that as he becomes stronger it would have started to enter his mind.

But now?

She would be killed.

He can't do that, he can't risk that. But will he ever see his home again? Will he ever see Steve again?

Deep down he believes the answer is no.

He turns over, away from his nurse and curls up. He feels her pull the blankets up over his shoulders and that small act of kindness very nearly undoes him.

He falls asleep with his fist in his mouth so she won't hear him sob.


	14. Chapter 14 - The Shower

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Fourteen: The Nurse & James Barnes - The Shower****

The new program is working quicker and better than you had thought it would; the patient is getting stronger each day. The only downside of it is the doctors now insist on sedating him so much more.

Lehmann administers a sedative twice a day. He does not trust you with it.

But, there was a problem; Zola's serum actively worked against the sedative and so it becomes a vicious circle. They would increase the dosage of the sedative and the serum compensated. The combination of the two fighting in his body threw James into a delirium. Sometimes it seemed as if he didn't even know who he was, where he was, who you are.

Lehmann and his team work on the problem, and unfortunately find an answer.

A new sedative, vicious and you believe mind altering. It causes nightmares and cramps. It is so strong there are times when James is barely aware of anything. He becomes so quiet and introverted that sometimes he doesn't speak for days. Doctor Jakobs explains to you that the new sedative is working because the serum does not read it as a threat.

You understand their reluctance to allow him any freedom but you rail against it and keep up pressure for them to let him have more of a life.

The answer is always no. You know Lehmann is behind it.

You have tried to explain to James that things are better - but he is still being tortured - only they call it science.

When you speak to him he doesn't look at you. You don't know what is going through his mind. Sometimes you can't get him to answer even when you say his name. When the pain is at its worst he only internalisers it; you can see it in the tenseness of his body, the way his hand clenches so tightly - half circles of red angry welts on his palm. You have taken to keeping his nails so short they can do no harm. Often now he will curl up on himself in bed, always away from you, always pulling the covers over his body as if to hide. And you know that he cries at night. There are times you have heard him whisper a name - "Steve."

You are losing him. He is losing himself.

The only time Lehmann allows the patient to have a break from the sedative is when even he can see how much the patient is exhausted from the testing, how he can barely get back to his room without your help. At these times it is plain to see there is no danger of him trying to escape, no danger from him at all. On these nights without the sedative, his sleep seems better - not so frantic, no awakening in the middle of a nightmare. No trembling so badly that when you hold him his teeth chatter. What is it that he sees in these nightmares? You see how he tries to stay as far away from Lehmann as he can. There are days when he is taken for testing and Lehmann is part of the team and James almost whimpers and turns as if trying to leave the room.

 _ _She cannot see his dreams. Lehmann has become a nightmare figure for James. Always looming with the saw to take his arm away, over and over again - and then to start on the rest of him. "Little bit by little bit..." Lehmann lowers the blade to what remains of his left arm and he feels the blade cut into him. James wakes screaming, or worse, unable to scream.__

The doctors are pleased with the latest batch of serum they are using; they have found the correct amount of radiation to trigger it, and now it is moving into not just his blood stream but attaching itself to his muscular system, to his bones, moving into the marrow and remaining there. It is flooding in everywhere. He is getting taller, more muscular, and you know he sees it to. You sometimes catching himself looking at his body. The changes scare him.

Then there is the additional testing. It makes you sick.

They are testing his pain limitations with the serum, but they have taken everything up a notch. Sometimes you believe they must hear his screams throughout the base. The tests they conduct use everything from electricity to acids. They do not always let you tend to his wounds when using something new; they want to see how quickly the serum repairs it. You weep sometimes, and Stefan is always there to help you. Even Jakobs has occasionally sought you out. You have noticed he tends to hang back on this part of the testing and is not part of what comes to be known as The Pain Team.

 _ _The problem is that the serum seems to cause more pain because of the way it keeps the nerve endings constantly alive, constantly open. Lehmann is not worried; pain coaching can be addressed in the programming stage. The nurse does not know that. She has no idea of the plans that lie ahead of her patient.__

Because the serum is starting to show its true effects, the doctor's work has increased in pace and they see James nearly every day now. It means more work for you and Stefan because by the time they have finished, James is worn out, his nerves frayed and he is in such pain.

You have found an old cot and moved it into his room. Most nights you sleep there, just in case he should wake and need you. You don't want to leave him. You have promised to always be there for him and you mean to keep your word.

Sometimes after they have held the patient for a long session there is a need to clean him before you can let him sleep. You take him to the shower room, and on those days you always enlist Stefan's help. As tall as you are, James is taller and heavier, the two of you are needed when he is having trouble keeping himself upright.

 _ _What she doesn't know is that James is feeling a reaction to her; her femininity. He struggles to control his emotions - sometimes the combination of sedative and serum seems to intensify them. It also intensifies other feelings which take over his body and mind. At these times he tries to keep away from her so she does not notice. His body wants to feel her, his mind wants to touch her, feel her softness, run his fingers through her hair. To lose himself in her. When she is holding him, when he is at his weakest and he needs her, he breathes in her scent, feels her cool skin and imagines what it would be like for her to touch him the way he would like her to. He has a dream of her using her mouth to bring him to climax and is ashamed some times to awake to wet bed sheets. He always tries to hide what has happened. And there are times this makes him so angry with himself; he thinks that he is taking advantage of her. Its a vicious cycle for him. When he curls up in bed sometimes it is so he can hide his body – hide its reaction to her. He doesn't want her to see his erection. He curls up, thinking of anything he can to soothe the throbbing in his balls.__

The shower room is down the corridor from the patient's room and is a large enough space for four people. There are days like today when you need to use the shower for the patient, and you need Stefan to help hold him up whilst you wash him. To do so you change into a simple short white shift over your underwear, and a shower cap completing your makeshift uniform. Stefan wears shorts and a top. Both of you know you are going to get very wet.

You take James to the shower room in a wheel chair. There is no way he could manage it on foot today. Stefan tells the guards that it is okay for them to stay outside, and they are glad; they do not like to be reminded of what goes on here. One look at the patient is enough.

You and Stefan stand him up and you gently undress him. You both know the damage done, but you hear Stefan swear quietly all the same. The smell coming from James is bad: body odour, burnt flesh but both of you take it in your stride. You are used to it. You are both aware of the harm done to this man, the cuts, bruises and radiation burns on his body reflect what he has been through and is still going through. The serum they have injected into him and the doses of radiation have bulked up his muscle tissue, and you guess that the sedative they pump into him some day will not be enough to stop him. But for now, in the testing stage, it makes him pliable.

This evening he is awake but unfocused, he makes no effort to stop you from what you are doing but he makes no effort to help you either. You can lead him and put him under the water but if you and Stefan let go he would probably just sink to the floor and make no effort to clean himself, this is what they have reduced him to. Thank God Lehmann agreed not to give him tonights dose.

The doctors talk about the fact that the serum is working and the project will enter its next phase but you don't know what they mean and it frightens you. They will not discuss it with you so you have to try and glean what is happening from odd snippets you hear and files you see.

There is talk of a new team joining the researchers and you know they are clearing out the old dormitory for their use, but you do not know why they are being brought in. When you ask Marinov if he knows anything he gives you one of his looks. You never know if he trusts you or not and sometimes his replies are cryptic. He says he doesn't know - but then adds they have been told to clear out and make available three other rooms for more new teams that will be joining the project. He also mentions there will be building work going on - maybe you will finally get that bathroom/toilet for your patient's room.

When you finally stand James under the shower you know that after a few minutes the water will help revive him. Not enough to make him a danger, but enough that you hope being clean will make him feel more human again. You have set the shower to warm. You see James shudder and close his eyes. He tips his head back to feel the water on his face.

You grab the seat and place it under the water. It is the only way you can reach comfortably to wash his hair now the serum has actually increased his height. Stefan then guides the patient to sit and keeps him steady so you can wash his hair. It is growing long and you have been trying to keep it cut to just above his shoulders. Whilst washing his hair you massage his scalp. You are trying to get him to relax, to let go the tensions that have held his body captive all day.

Afterwards with Stefan's help you encourage James to stand up and Stefan removes the seat. You steady the patient and he responds now enough to enable you to move him. He is coming around, waking up.

Stefan takes over steadying him. You get the soap and sponge and start to clean his neck, chest and arms including the stub of his left one. You need to be careful and not catch any of the injuries he has sustained today. There are few physical ones to see; bruising, cuts, but they were using other means to hurt him and these have left his nerves frayed. He is so tense and has jumped a few times when you touch him.

At least you believe that it is what makes him jump. It hasn't occurred to either you or Stefan that it might be something else.

You become aware that James is watching you but you know he will not talk to you. He is becoming a stranger almost, rarely talking even when you talk to him.

 _ _She doesn't know that sometimes he desperately wants to talk to her, wants her to hold him - but he remembers Doctor Lehmann's warning, knows that he is watching all the time. He cannot do this alone; he cannot be without her, he cannot lose her.__

 _ _Paranoia is something that the sedative feeds, and James feels everyone is spying for Lehmann; always watching him, waiting for him to make a mistake and then she will be gone. That thought frightens him more than the testing does.__

When you wash the palm of his right hand you feel it close around yours and you look up at him. It is difficult to tell as the shower water rains down on you both, but you are sure tears are running down his cheek. You gently squeeze his hand and he releases yours as if nothing has happened.

"Are you all right?" you ask.

 _ _He looks away from her, closing his eyes. His nerves feel so sensitive and his emotions are all over the place, he can't control them these days. It's as if his mind and his body no longer belong to him.__

Stefan carries on a dialogue as you work. He is always like this, and you believe his sense of humour is the only thing that gets him through the day. He asked if you could help teach him more of the English language so that he can converse with James. He is a fast learner and tells you that before his incarceration he was training to become a teacher. It's hard to believe that so much has happened in his life when he is so young. You are not the only one who realises his intelligence, his potential. You have noticed that the doctors, especially Doctor Jakobs, giving him more responsibility and he is becoming more than just an orderly.

"Come on then big man, arm up so Freya can wash you. Don't want you smelling so bad in front of the big brave doctors." He helps the patient hold his right arm up and you wash and then rinse him.

You do the same with the left one, taking care around the stub as you do not want to hurt him. The doctor at the field hospital had done the best he could with the resources he had but in the intervening years it has been unstitched and restitched until it is just a mass of scar tissue. It is so sore now, some of the skin is splitting again. After the shower you will need to dress it to try and keep it free from infection.

You crouch down. "Hold steady, lets do your right foot first." When you know Stefan has a good hold you pick up the patient's right foot and clean it, then you do the same with the left.

There is now only one area to clean and you can't help it but your cheeks always flush red at this point.

Whilst Stefan has always been happy to help you manhandle the patient he has always refused any other request of yours to help clean the patient in certain areas. You believe deep down it makes him uncomfortable. You think you know why, you feel Stefan may be homosexual. You work with him so closely and for so long that the two of your have become like siblings. You know it is illegal in Russia and would mean death. Somehow you know it would mean the same thing in Hydra.

You know he doesn't quite trust you enough to confide in you and you will not ask him until you know he is ready to talk.

You stand up and move around so that you are stood behind the patient.

You soap the sponge and take a deep breath. This is the part you will always find embarrassing and yet being a nurse you have had to clean your fair share of male anatomy. It is because it is different with this man. This man is not here because you are all trying to help him and save his life, he is here because he is being experimented on and tortured. You have no right to be touching him.

First you clean his back, then move down to his hips and then around his buttocks, gently rubbing between his legs. He flinches, but you act as if you do not notice. You rinse the sponge and soap it again and then moving to his left side you reach around to the front and then you start cleaning and rubbing between his legs, around his penis and balls. You do it from this position so that he cannot see you. He has been humiliated enough.

"Freya," Stefan whispers, alarmed. "I think you may be being a bit to vigorous."

Your hand stops and you look at him. He is the other side of the patient, and you are sure if the situation wasn't so sad he would be trying not to laugh.

"Stefan...?" you mouth, your eyes wide. He knows exactly what you are asking without you saying a word. He shakes his head.

You have been a bit too good in your ministrations. You have not moved your hand away and the sponge is cupped around the patient's hard erection.

"Oh no, no Freya, you are not getting me to do anything other than hold him for you" Stefan whispers in Russian.

You can't bring yourself to look up at James, but you feel how his body has tensed. His right hand is clenched tightly, his eyes closed. You don't want to move. You have never been in this situation before.

"What do I do?" You mime to Stefan. He raises his free hand and sign languages to move your hand up and down - although you are a novice in these matters you know exactly what he is talking about.

"But I can't...can't you, you know...help?" you whisper back keeping to the Russian language and Stefan shakes his head in alarm.

"No! Don't even go there."

"But you're a man and..." you are beginning to sound desperate. You have no idea of what to do; your common sense has fled and instead you feel dread balled up in your stomach. You want to do the right thing.

"That would only make it worse. Freya I can't help you." He looks as panicked and as worried as you do.

You can't look anywhere but Stefan's face. Your cheeks are flushed, you have not had this situation arise before. The water continues to fall on all three of you. It seems like forever but it is literally seconds.

"But..." you stammer.

"Look...I'll give you some space and wait outside. When I can come back in just call me."

"But how...what do I do?"

Stefan looks at you. "Just carry on with what you are doing, I think you'll find that its working." He is genuinely trying to help.

He gently lets go of the patient who takes his own weight. Stefan steps out of the water and he grabs a towel and without looking back at you he leaves the room.

During the discussion your hand has stayed where it is. You can't take it away. You risk a look at James' face. His eyes are still shut tightly, and he is breathing deeply. You feel a slight shudder run through his frame.

His eyes open and he catches you looking at him. He unclenches his right hand, raises it and puts it on top of yours.

"Please," he whispers.

"I..." You look away and he lets his hand fall. You move back so he cannot see you. Slowly you start rubbing again. He groans.

You see him swallow, then he puts his hand back on yours, shaking his head. He wants you to stop.

 _ _How could he have thought...how could he have hoped. He wants the release, it has tortured him for weeks. How can he ask this of her? He can't, it is unfair on her.__

You move forward.

"James. I think you need this," you say softly. You keep your left hand where it is and with your other hand you reach up and stroke his cheek with the back of your fingers. "Let me do this," you whisper and he sobs.

You lower your right hand and start moving your left up and down, he takes his hand away. "Close your eyes, don't think, just feel," you say and he does.

His head moves forward, eyes closed, and his lips part. You blank your mind and listen to his breathing. Although you have never done this before you have some idea of what is happening and everything else seems to come naturally until you feel his whole body tense, his head falls back and he cries out. His whole body jerks.

Hot semen spills over your hand and mingles with the water. He shudders, and more semen spurts and drips down his belly and onto your feet. You move slightly back but you do not stop until you are sure he has finished and then your hand drops away from him. He makes a noise and you realise it is another sob.

You have to catch him as he slowly sinks to the floor and you know he is crying, his sobs bouncing off the tiled walls. He is also trying to say he is sorry.

"Oh my God, no, don't cry, please, its not a problem! Please don't cry." You sink down next to him and encircle him in your arms, rocking him. Without thinking you remove your shower cap and rest your head against the side of his. "Ssh its all right. Please I'm so sorry, its all right."

What can you say to him?

You cannot promise an end to this nightmare. You cannot say everything will be all right. You hold him as tightly as you dare and place his head against the wet fabric of your shoulder and his right hand clenches the material of your shift tightly. The warm water continues to cascade over the two of you. You kiss the top of his head then his forehead and you can taste the soap and shampoo.

You raise his chin, look into his blue eyes - so full of sorrow. You gently kiss his lips.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," you say over and over.

His sobs start to quieten. You still hold him. You do not want to let him go and that is how Stefan finds you.

Stefan has grown concerned. You hadn't called and he is cursing himself for leaving you alone. He comes in on the pretext of bringing in two clean robes. He crosses over to you and you turn your head to him and he sees your face, he hears your patients' soft cries.

His expression is serious. He switches off the water and grabs several towels, leaving the robes by the door. He crouches in front of you both. You move away, slowly, so you can both wrap the towels around James and pull him up. He won't look at either of you and his head hangs, his face partially covered by his long wet hair. His right hand is clenched again, and his breathing is harsh.

"Come on, lets get you back to your room," Stefan says quietly. He looks at you and with a corner of one of the towels he wipes away the tears staining your face. You did not even realise you had been crying. He then passes you a few more towels and a robe so you can dry yourself. You slip the shift off over your head, and pull the robe on.

You both work on drying the patient. He does not complain, does not move. You lead him nearer to the door and you pick up the clean robe, Stefan has chosen the softest so that the fabric will not rub against the patients cuts and burns, this is what makes him a good orderly and a good human being. You help the patient sit in the wheel chair.

Just before you open the door Stefan squats down in front of the wheelchair and speaks quietly to James in his best English. "There are guards outside. They cannot hear what happens in this room. It is between you and Freya and no one else. The doctors, they do not allow you privacy...but we do."

He doesn't know if the patient has heard him or even realises what he is saying. He stands up and opens the door and then both of you take him back to his room. James does not say a word but you know, despite Stefans words, he is feeling ashamed. You don't know how to make him realise he has nothing to be ashamed of. He looks so tired; the black bags under his eyes are even darker and you both help him get into bed. You spend a few minutes making sure he is comfortable but then when you have finished he rolls on to his side away from you both, drawing his legs up.

You and Stefan look at each other. Have you made things worse? Did you do the wrong thing? Have you pushed him to far? You just don't know. At the time it felt like the right thing to do but now you are doubting yourself - doubting your decision.

"I'll go grab some paperwork I need to do and come and sit with you for a while." Stefan says quietly, "That way if something does happen there are two of us to deal with it. I'll just be a couple of minutes." You nod and he leaves.

You don't know whether to go and sit down or try to comfort your patient. You think you know why he has turned away from you and your heart could break. You move around to the side of the bed and pull up a chair so you are down at his level, then slowly you brush the hair out of his eyes until he realises you are not going to go away and he looks at you.

His eyes are bloodshot and you can see such a tiredness in them.

You lean forward and kiss his forehead and all the time your hand is stroking his hair.

"I hope you can hear me and understand what I am saying," you whisper. "James, I don't want you to be embarrassed about what we just did. There is so much I want to say to you but I can't. I'm not allowed. But please believe me - I am here for you and only you. I don't know why they are doing these things to you and I am so very sorry but if you need me for anything and I mean anything I will help you. I am so sorry if I did the wrong thing, I just want to help you thats all." Your hand strokes down his cheek and a single tear follows.

You lean forward again and gently kiss it away.

"Sleep now, I'll be here," you whisper and you pull the covers higher so he will be warm.

His eyes close as he says something quietly, but you do hear him.

"Thank you."

 **...**

 _ _He stands under the warm water and feels so ashamed at how he smells and the fact he is having difficulty standing up on his own. He is sure the nurse and orderly only pretend they do not notice. The water is pouring over the wounds on his body and they sting; he tries to focus on the pain and not think about anything else but he can't.__

 _ _They sit him down and she washes his hair. For a moment he tries to forget where he is and just concentrate on her hands and he feels his shoulders relax. She massages the shampoo into his hair and it is wonderful to feel such gentleness in his world. It is over too soon and they stand him up. He is able to hold more of this own weight now the water is reviving him.__

 _ _The washing begins. She is wearing a white shift and the water moulds it to her body, he can see her shape, how she must look underneath and he feels something stir. The smell of the shampoo and soap takes away the awful smell of his own body and he wants to just relax against her, feel her warmth, hear her talk quietly, know that she cares for him.__

 _ _She washes his hand and he curls his fingers around hers; they are so small and seem so fragile but they have a strength in them. He doesn't want to but he lets her hand go. He concentrates on the gentle but firm way she washes him, the feel of the sponge gliding over his skin. The warmth from the water moves into his bones. There are times when he feels he will never be warm again.__

 _ _When she kneels down in front of him to clean his feet an image comes into his mind that he can't help and he has to stop himself from letting it go any further; if only he could have felt her hands holding him, her soft mouth taking him in. She stands and moves around to his side and for a moment he thinks the thought has become real; her hands are on him, she washes his buttocks and between his legs and then her hand moves and takes his balls and then his cock and he begins to realise what is happening. She is gentle and firm and he cannot stop himself.__

 _ _The man Stefan, helping her, says something and he realises she has stopped but she does not remove her hand from him. He wants to cry out and beg her not to stop; he has so much pain built up inside him he needs a release of some kind.__

 _ _They exchange words and Stefan leaves. He cannot stop himself from putting his hand on top of hers in case she moves it away, he is close, it would not take a lot. He hears himself beg her although the only word that comes out is 'please'.__

 _ _She moves slightly and then continues to help him, her grip firmer and her hand moving up and down, stroking.__

 _ _This is so wrong, to make her do this, he can't, he can't and he needs to stop it before it goes any further. He puts his hand over hers again but this time to move it away but instead she speaks to him, quietly. There is just the two of them and he lets go, lets her help him. Feels her hand, imagines her mouth, her body and he can feel the tenseness building up within him, his breathing is rapid, his heart pounding. Her hand continues, firmer, faster, that is all he can feel, nothing else exists but the two of them.__

 _ _He feels himself get to the point where he is going to explode. His balls ache, burning hot, and he thinks again of her mouth. He wants to feel her tongue, to move against her, to...the feeling is immense and powerful and he feels himself explode in her hand. She doesn't stop or pull away, just murmurs softly and carries on until the last of his semen is all over her hand and dripping onto the floor of the shower.__

 _ _Then as his heart stops hammering and the noise comes back into the room, the enormity of what has happened hits him and shame pulls him to the floor. Another dam bursts inside him and for the first time in a long while he lets go completely and weeps in front of her.__

 _ _He feels her take him in her arms and she pulls him close to her and then gently rocks him, she would give him anything he needs, her voice gentle but so caring. He grips the material of her shift. He doesn't want to ever let go of her, he wants this moment to last and when it finally ends for his life to end with it, he doesn't want to go on any more, he is so tired, so close to breaking.__

 _ _He feels her kiss his forehead and then she lifts his face and kisses his lips and she is crying too.__

 _ _He hears the door open and the man comes back in and it is over. But it has given him a memory to cling to in the dark tonight, and maybe just for once it will stave off the nightmares.__

 _ _They help him out of the shower and dry him with the towels. He keeps his eyes averted. When he is sat in the wheelchair the orderly talks to him, his English is heavily accented but he understands what Stefan is telling him but he still can't bring himself to look at him. What must the orderly think of him? He took advantage of Freya's feelings for him, what does that make him?__

 _ _Back in his room they attend to his wounds; both of them are so careful, so gentle but with everything that has happened tiredness is closing his mind down and when they have finished he just wants to curl up in a ball and fade away. He moves away from them both and closing his eyes waits for them to pull him back but instead Freya comes around and sits beside him.__

 _ _Her voice is soft and quiet but he can hear her. She strokes his hair and he looks at her, those eyes of hers, he could drown in them. She speaks to him and in her eyes he sees she is telling the truth, he is too tired to cry any more but one tear escapes and she leans forward and kisses it away.__

 _ _He closes his eyes and sleep claims him but not before he whispers his thanks to her, he understands what she is telling him, he is not alone.__

 **...**

Later, Kristo is covering for you so that you can rest. Instead, you seek out Stefan. Your resolve is strong. He is surprised to see you but at your request agrees to find somewhere quiet to talk. He thinks he knows what it is you want. He has already promised you he would say nothing about what happened in the shower room, to anyone.

"I promised I wouldn't say anything about it Freya, I thought you trusted me." He sounds hurt.

You touch his arm. "I do trust you and I know you won't say anything. But I need to ask you something...a favour." You take a deep breath and he frowns. "This is difficult," you say " but I have no one else I can ask."

You have always thought of Stefan as being younger than you, but in fact you are both the same age.

He sees the difficulty you are having and tries to make it easier for you.

"I'm listening." He has always liked and trusted you because you remind him of his sister, and he has grown fond of you. Whilst he is not sure he would risk his life for you he would try and help out if he can.

You swallow. You didn't think it was going to be this difficult, but if you don't curb your embarrassment, Stefan will be embarrassed and that will not help your cause at all. "I've, um, never slept with a man before..."

Stefan's eyes widen.

You continue quickly. "...and I need you to tell me how I can...how a man... how...Stefan, don't look so terrified, I'm not asking you to sleep with me!" At another time the look on his face would be funny. You plough on as his shoulders relax.

"I need you to tell me what else I can do to help James out when I need to," you finish and you can see Stefan is a little stunned.

"By help you mean..."

You nod.

"You want __me__ to tell __you__?" Stefan asks in a strangled voice.

"Well, I can hardly ask Lehmann, can I?" You sound exasperated, and for some reason you both find this funny and start to giggle. Laughter is a very rare occurrence in the facility. It is sometimes difficult to remember that you are two young people who should be out in the normal world finding these things out; but instead you have been made to grow up quickly and you are both in need of a friend.

"Well you didn't seem to have a problem this afternoon," Stefan says drily.

"That was more luck than anything," you answer ruefully, and Stefan looks at you for a few moments and then ducks his head.

"Well at least you know your way around the male anatomy," he says. He purses his lips. "Just advice...not..." He checks.

"Just advice! I promise not to touch you." You grin. You can't help it.

He is quiet for a few seconds, studying you. You see him make up his mind.

"You know about me, don't you?" he asks you quietly.

You know what it is he is asking you.

"Stefan you mean a lot to me, you're my friend and if ever you need me I'm here." You lean forward and kiss him on his forehead and he blushes.

"You're serious about this, aren't you?"

You nod.

"I want to know everything," you say.

"Okay. Lets see if we can find somewhere to talk properly," he sighs.

Quite a while later you slip quietly back to your room, slightly flushed but an awful lot wiser. You had no idea some of the things Stefan told you were possible. Your life has been unbelievably sheltered considering the last decade you have been spent around soldiers.

You think you understand most of what Stefan has told you. He was patient and tried to answer all of your questions and you think you have covered every eventuality. You even told him you think James may have had a male lover, and asked him how that worked. Stefan had floundered at that one until he realised you would do anything for this patient, anything at all. He found himself telling you things he has never told anyone else. He feels quite exhausted by the time you have finished.

Now it is all down to you.

 **...**

 _ _After Freya left, Stefan sat for a while thinking about the necessity of the situation and how sad a place the world had become. He needed to stay here working - he knows the alternative is death - but working here sometimes makes him feel he is truly in hell.__

 _ _He wondered if Freya realised just how much she was in love with their patient. He knows she knew him from before but not the full story but he had not been brave enough to ask her for it. One day soon he knows she will trust him enough to tell him, in her own time.__

 _ _He realises that there are now going to be times when she wouldn't need his help with their patient in the shower room and he shakes his head. He would have to find an excuse if anyone asked him why he wasn't helping her - maybe he could take up smoking, use that as the excuse for leaving her on her own with him?__

 _ _He dry-washes his face. The world down here is so fucked up that it's hard to think there are people above ground living normal lives, not knowing what goes on underneath in the dark places. He is getting more and more involved in what is happening down here. He has heard the rumours and is beginning to find Hydra is not just a research facility, it is so much more. If he and Freya are to survive then they would need to take each day as it comes and learn to adapt.__

 _ _He is worried about the rumoured new team. They are using the lower part of the tunnels and no one is allowed down there. He knows it is something to do with the patient, the poor bastard. But he is also beginning to realise that he isn't the only one questioning in their own mind what is happening. Doctor Jakobs has started to take an interest in Stefan and has requested that part of his time is now spent working with him.__

 _ _He has also noticed that Marinov is sometimes talking with Jakobs and when anyone comes near the two of them either break off conversation or increase their talk to show it is about work.__

 _ _Jacobs has hinted a few times that there is serious work to be done.__

 _ _And Stefan doesn't think Jakobs was talking about just the project.__


	15. Chapter 15 - Learning Memories

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Fifteen: The Nurse & James Barnes - Learning Memories****

James is sleeping but you can see it is giving him no rest as nightmares chase him around and around. He wakes up tired and agitated, and you know it is the sedative that Lehmann is using. It is breaking him down, disrupting his mind. He refuses lunch and you don't push him. You can't. His face is grey, stubbled, his eyes red rimmed with black bags under them. You can see from the way he twists and turns in bed that he can't get comfortable and you suggest maybe a walk down the corridor or a shower.

He turns away from you. "I need to sleep," he says, but you know he is lying. He has been more than uptight over the last few days. Although they are satisfied with the serum they have given him they are still trying to do something with his left arm but no one will tell you why, not even Doctor Jakobs. They are always prodding and poking, never letting him have any peace.

 _ _James' nerves are frayed to the point of making his head want to explode as it aches so much, he feels he is continually on the edge of an electrical shock, he cannot relax, his body so taut, getting cramps. He won't allow the nurse to help him, to touch him. He can't.__

 _ _Stefan has been watching the two of them and he thinks he knows what the problem is. Freya has helped James out a few times in the shower now, but he knows deep down that a hand isn't always enough. He sees the way James looks at her when she is unaware. Watched James eye's roam over her face - over her body. She is totally innocent, totally oblivious to the effect she is having on him.__

 _ _James is not getting enough sleep yet his body is getting stronger. He is having electricity shot through his stub and it sets his whole nervous system on edge. Instead of numbing him, Zola's serum leaves the nerves open and so by the end of the sessions James is so on edge and so wound up that Stefan wonders sometimes how he doesn't explode.__

 _ _That will be the sedative at work. Lehmann making it a little stronger everyday. He calls it a sedative, but it doesn't work on subduing just the body, it works on the patients mind, never allowing it to switch off entirely, breaking it down bit by bit, until it becomes raw.__

 _ _James Barnes is still James Barnes. He is a decent man, he would never force anyone to do something they didn't want to. Stefan can see this, he can see how their patient turns away from Freya, how he tries to keep his distance. He can see how much it hurts her.__

 _ _Even now, James pretends to sleep when she is in the room so he doesn't have to look at her, look at her mouth and think of the things he would like her to do with it. Think of the things Steve used to do.__

 _ _James has no outlet and he needs one. He needs her and she does not know it. James cannot ask her, not for something like that.__

 _ _At those thoughts, guilt spreads throughout him. He had promised Steve that he would always be his and he will - but this woman, this woman makes him hot inside, he has no other outlet, she makes him want to …__

 **...**

"No!"

The utter desperation in his voice has you up out of your chair, running to his bedside. He is trying to sit up, trying to pull his hair out as he cries, and you don't know what is wrong, he is almost hysterical.

"No, no, no..." His voice is full of panic, full of fear.

"James, James what is it? What's wrong?"

You don't want the guards to hear because if they see him in this state they will call Lehmann. All he would do is give him a stronger dose of sedative which will send him down into his nightmares again.

You thought that is where he was, you thought he was sleeping.

 _ _He wasn't. He was lying there, turned away from her trying to keep his mind occupied so he doesn't think about her, doesn't think about what he needs from her. He is so uptight, so in need of release that he was trying to remember things, thinking about home, anything to get away from this room, away from her. Away from the thoughts that would creep into his mind and make him feel like he was going to explode. But then realisation hit him, realisation that there were things he is trying to remember but cannot, things that should always be there in his mind.__

You try to take his hand out of his hair. It is tangled and he is pulling at his scalp. He is looking at the bed clothes, his eyes moving back and forward as if searching for something in his mind. He is talking to himself.

"James? Talk to me."

He sees you, realises you are there, looks into your eyes. He grabs your shoulder. "I can't remember. I can't remember them!" His voice grows louder, repeating the same thing over and over.

His eyes are full of fear, full of terror. At first you think he is panicking but he isn't hot to touch, isn't sweating. This is something different. He is agitated, but not in the way you would expect if it was just panic.

He looks away, growing more distraught.

A guard looks in and you turn to him.

"No need to bother Doctor Lehmann. I can deal with it," you say, remaining calm as if it is a daily occurrence.

The guard believes what you tell him, and returns to his post.

You sit on the edge of the bed. James' voice has dropped again. You sit so you are facing him and you take his hand and hold it. You make him look at you.

"James. What is it you can't remember?" you ask quietly. His eyes are wide, pupils black. Pure distress. "Talk to me. Tell me, breathe slowly and talk to me."

Your words get through, but he starts to gabble.

"My brothers! My brothers... I can't remember their names, I can't..." His breathing quickens again. His face is getting red and blotchy.

"Breathe slowly, I'm here, I'm with you." You put his hand on your chest so he can feel you breathe and then on his. He closes his eyes and you can see he is trying so hard to please you, to calm down.

He tries to talk again. "My brothers. I have three brothers, I can't remember their names." He looks at you, his eyes are haunted.

"It's probably where you are trying to think too hard..." you start to say, but he is shaking his head.

"No, I keep...I keep forgetting things and they don't come back. I'm losing...I'm losing parts of myself," he looks at you in desperation. "Freya, whats happening to me?" He is desperate for an answer but you don't have one. He begins to weep, and you reach forward to hold him. You hold him tightly, rocking him back and forward. There is nothing you can say.

Later, when he is calmer, you persuade him to eat something. You sit with him quietly. It's evening and no one should disturb you. The guards have already changed shifts and checked everything and you can hear them murmuring outside.

"Have you been able to remember?" you ask and he shakes his head.

"Its Lehmann, isn't it?" he says bitterly, and you know he is asking about the injections Lehmann gives him. It is more of a statement than a question. "I'm losing myself. A little bit everyday. Soon there won't be anything left. I'm losing my memories, things I should know, things from my past. They are taking everything. __Everything.__ " He looks so tired, so beaten.

"Do you trust me?" You ask him. He looks at you and he tries to smile.

"You're the only one I trust."

You take a deep breath, hoping and praying that he doesn't think this is a trick.

"Then tell me..." you say "and I will remember for you. Tell me about your family, about your life. Just the things that are important to you and I will remember them for you, I will keep those memories safe."

It is all you can do for him. All you can offer him.

He looks at you, and then down at the bed clothes, his fingers picking at a lose thread.

"But only if you want to," you say "I won't tell anyone anything you have told me. I know it is difficult for you to trust anyone here, but I won't let you down I promise."

It is up to him now. He is quiet for a long time. You know not to break that silence.

Then he looks up at you and reaches forward, past your shoulder. He gently pulls at your plait. You help him unpin it at the back; and he pulls it forward trying to untie the end of it, you hold it whilst he takes the string out that is keeping it in place. He begins taking the bottom chevrons apart.

"Do you remember when I was in the camp with you?" he asks. This is the first time he has mentioned the camp. You had assumed he didn't remember his time there.

"You were asleep, and I didn't want to wake you. But the pain was so bad..." His fingers are now running through your loose hair at the end of the braid. You have almost forgotten to breathe. You can't believe what he is saying.

"...you woke up and found your plait was undone. You had to chase it around until you caught it to do back up?"

You vaguely remember it. You had fallen asleep and his morphine had run out. You had cursed yourself.

You see he is waiting for a reply and you nod.

He looks back down at your hair and runs his fingers through it again. "I undid it. I wanted to feel it, feel the softness. Back in Brooklyn where I grew up, after we left school, my buddy Steve and me enrolled in the local art college..." his words hitch a little. "There was a teacher there, his name was...oh God, what was it?" He closes his eyes for a moment and it comes to him, "...Campbell. That was it. John Campbell. He was a bit strange, odd, but he would only paint with what he called __proper__ art brushes, and they had to be sable brushes. The lighter ones were the colour of your hair, and just as soft. Once..." You see the memory going through his mind and for a moment his eyes lighten. "...I stole his brushes, well, __borrowed__ them for a short while and replaced them with children's paint brushes. He went ballistic. I thought he was going to bust a gut or something, and Steve, Steve just sat there getting redder and redder because he had guessed it was me and..."

And then James laughs, a sound that makes you jump. But as he laughs it dissolves into a sob. You want to hold him, you want to tell him not to think about it any more but you can't.

"Did Campbell find out it was you?" you ask.

James takes a deep breath and tries to laugh again. "Yeah. I owned up but only because he saw how guilty Steve looked and thought it was him. Couldn't have that could I?"

"So you're an artist?" you ask. He shakes his head.

"No...no. But Steve is. God you should see him draw. I was there doing technical drawing. We had such plans for the future. We were going to..." his voice trails off.

"Going to?" you say, but he shakes his head. It is to painful to go there and you don't push him.

He swallows hard, and you are both quiet for a while whilst he continues to play with the end of your plait, slowly unravelling more and more of it and then picking it up he strokes it against his cheek, closing his eyes. "I love your hair," he says quietly. You can't help but smile.

"I get the feeling you and Steve got up to all types of mischief. At the camp, it was Steve's name you were always saying. It was him you called out for," you tell him.

He looks back at you, unshed tears making his eyes catch the light. "What if I forget him?" he whispers.

"You won't. I won't let you. Tell me about him and I'll remember him for you. If you think you are forgetting about him then I will remind you. I will tell you what you have told me...I promise." You can see that he does not know where to begin. "Tell me what he looks like," you suggest.

Inside, your stomach is turning. You know this is the person who means everything to James. You can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice when he calls Steve's name in dreams. You have heard him beg Steve for help. You have mixed feelings about who this Steve is to James; envy and jealousy, and anger - anger that he never came for James. But there is a part of you that is in awe for how much James loves him.

" _ _Blond, blue eyes, light blue, such an innocence in them," and James looks down smiling to himself as he pictures Steve in his mind. He looks back up at her, "but not always as innocent as he looks, no thats not right, he is innocent but he could be mischievous. He had a lot of childhood illnesses, it left him..." how does he describe him, how does he describe how small he was yet perfectly formed, how translucent his skin was and how frightening it was when he had a bout of coughing and James thought the wind was going to knock him over?__

"I know how illness can affect a childs growth, how delicate it can leave them, how almost transparent they appear," you say.

James nods, he touches his chest. "But inside here, he is strong. So sure of the world, so brave, so much braver than me, and good..." his voice tails off.

"James. You are brave, don't ever think that you're not."

"Yeah, thats why I blub at the slightest thing. Why I can't even get out of here on my own. Anyone else would have done something, put up a fight, done...something."

You lean forward and take his hand. "Don't think like that! Many people would never have survived this long. You have pain every day of your life. We're surrounded by guards, hundreds of feet under ground. Up top is a fortress, thousands of soldiers, no one could ever escape, no one, please don't think that about yourself because its not true."

He doesn't believe you. He is going back inside himself. You need to distract him.

"How did you first meet Steve?" you ask.

James looks at you and you can see memories flashing past in his mind.

"The school yard. He was on the ground being kicked by three older, bigger boys, and he was telling them he could __do this all day,__ " you do not know it but the last words mimic Steve's voice.

 _ _It is something Bucky had heard Steve say a million times.__

"I'd never seen such a skinny wimp! After getting rid of the bullies I picked him up. He was as light as a feather and went to swing at me. I told him I was just helpin'. He grinned and told me he had them on the ropes..." he sees you frown. "...an old boxing term we use. It means we had them sorted. On the run, you know?" you do and nod to say you understand. He continues. "I told him it looked liked it. By this time he was brushing himself down, God he was so...so... _ _small__ but so full of fire. He was bleeding," James touches his mouth and you see him fade away into the memory for a moment.

"How old were you?" you ask to bring him back.

"I was 13. He was 11. Turned out we lived quite close to each other and it became a regular thing to walk to school together and hang out. But he was always jumping into fights, not because he was a bully or liked to fight, but because he believed in right and wrong. He would always stick up for doing the right thing, know what I mean?"

You smile and nod.

"I think he kinda made me a better person just by me knowing him. Does that make sense?" he asks you.

"I think you are and have always been a better person, James Barnes. You don't give yourself enough credit."

He is quiet whilst he thinks about what you have said. You wonder what is going through his mind.

"And?" you prompt him.

"Well, I got him into Goldies Gym, taught him boxing..." and he laughs, actually laughs out loud. "You should've of seen him in his boxing shorts. Kid couldn't keep 'em up! Had to wear suspenders. But, man he kept trying. It took several weeks but he finally hit me, accidentally I think, bloodied my nose, and I had a black eye for days. God, my Ma was so mad at me until she realised it was Stevie who had hit me and then she couldn't stop laughing. And my brothers! Well..." for a moment there is such a light in his eyes and he grabs your hand. "I remember! I remember their goddamn names! Freya I know their names, I know my brothers names..."

And he recites them for you. You get him to tell you several times, you do not want to forget as this is important. Later you will ensure that you write them down so that you cannot forget.

As James talks to you, as he becomes excited: his eyes light up, the blue in them not looking so washed out. For the first time ever you hear the Brooklyn accent coming out in his voice. This is him, this is the true James Barnes and it makes you want to cry. This is what it would be like if you had met him outside of this nightmare. And what makes it worse is you know it won't last, you know come tomorrow and the injections and procedures he will start to go quiet again but for this one moment in time he is his real, true self.

For the next hour you listen as he tells you more about Steve and you come to like this young man. You can understand why he means so much to James. But at the end of the hour the strain on James is beginning to show, he is exhausted.

He has totally unravelled your plait as well.

You encourage him to settle down lower in the bed so he can sleep, but when you go to get up he is still holding your hand and won't let it go. You reach over and pull the chair to the edge of the bed and sit down.

 **...**

 _ _That is how Stefan finds them later when he comes to relieve her.__

 _ _Both of them are fast asleep. James is curled on his side as close as he can get to Freya . She is holding his hand which is curled up in her hair, with her head resting on top. Her hair is totally unravelled and splayed out over the bed and her shoulders.__

 _ _They both look so peaceful he cannot disturb them. It is too rare a thing to see.__


	16. Chapter 16 - How Do We Break His Mind

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Sixteen: Hydra & The Nurse - How Do We Break His Mind?****

"How do we break his mind?" You hear Armin Zola ask the doctors.

You had been told to take the drinks in to them in the conference room. "I'm a bloody __nurse,__ not a waitress!" you had snapped at the guard, who just smirked and given you the tray.

You had entered quietly, but you know your presence has been noticed by Lehmann.

Zola was talking again.

Everything they had done to the patient and still they had not breached that final wall. Once it had fallen they could start to rebuild. Zola is clearly frustrated. Nearly everything else is in place, the work more or less completed by the new team. They were now just awaiting access to the patient.

You try to remain as quiet and unobtrusive as possible. It's clear that some of the doctors have not even thought about your presence, and are talking freely. You are horrified at the conversation but you know you cannot let your feelings show. You put the tray down and pour six cups of mud-brown coffee, placing one next to each doctor. Only Jakobs and Zola say thank you - none of the others do and you hadn't expected them to. Two of the people in the room are from the new team.

Lehmann is saying it was too late for them to choose a different subject; all the formula made to date has been tailored for Barnes. It is just his mind holding out.

His body is ready for the next phase.

"Well we can always go the route of old fashioned torture and deprivation. Put him in a cell, throw away the key, feed him scraps, wear him down, not let him sleep. But that will take at __least__ a year," says Doctor Taffeteer, reaching for his coffee.

"I would have thought if that was going to work it would have happened already with the treatment he was receiving from your excellent choice of nursing staff," Zola says sarcastically, a rare thing for him.

"Besides which, we do not have a year to waste. This needs to be done sooner rather than later. Once that final wall comes down, we can start rebuilding him and his mind as the 'Winter Soldier'. He will then be ours completely."

It is the first time you hear the name The Winter Soldier. It sends a chill down your spine.

The doctors start to bicker, and you notice Doctor Jakobs is quiet.

Zola interrupts at this point to say he wants more formula to be made. He always wants to know there is a small stock of the serum on hand.

"Already being done," Lehmann assures him before the others can say a word. Zola nods and Lehmann continues. "Going back to Barnes' mind. I have been working on an idea which I believe will work; I have discussed it with Fennhoff and he agrees. It will also be a way of killing two birds with one stone."

Zola sits back and picks up his coffee.

Lehmann looks at you. "That will be all," he says dismissing you, and they wait for you to leave the room. You have no choice but to go.

 **...**

" _ _That will be all," Lehmann says to the nurse and they wait for her to depart.__

 _ _Zola studies Lehmann. He really doesn't like the man. He is always too eager to pull things apart, too eager about the experimentation, but Zola is desperate. The group have arrived with the final parts of the jigsaw puzzle that will complete the physical make up of the Winter Soldier. Everything needs to be moved forward and only the patient himself is holding them up. He may not like Lehmann, but he knows if there is a way to break Barnes then it will be Lehmann who does it.__

" _ _I'm really not happy about that young woman being on the project," Lehmann is saying.__

 _ _Zola looks up just as Doctor Jakobs sits forward. "She is a good nurse and we are lucky to have her. I think we should really be thinking of involving her more, not less," his comments are directed at Zola.__

 _ _Lehmann and Jakobs have had this argument before. Jakobs will do his best to keep her.__

" _ _There are lots of good nurses out there..." Lehmann starts but Jakobs argues across him.__

" _ _She knows the English language. She can communicate with our patient. Because of this they share a bond; he trusts her. We wouldn't have gotten this far if she hadn't alerted us to what was going on."__

 _ _Lehmann waves a hand. "Yes, yes. But she is a trouble-maker. Her allegiance is to Barnes not us." Lehmanns dislike of the nurse is showing. Zola holds up his hands for quiet, but the argument carries on until he has had enough.__

" _ _Gentlemen!" he is forced to shout.__

 _ _The men are quiet.__

" _ _I am happy for her to be here," says Zola. "She seems to know what she is doing. But..." and he looks at Lehmann, "...__ if __you have any problems with her then you advise me immediately, and I will rethink the situation. But for now let us continue with why we are here. You were about to tell me about your idea for Barnes' mind."__

 _ _In a way he will regret asking. It would have been better, he thinks later, if he had not known but just been given the final product of it all because what Lehmann outlines is akin to torture. He insists it is for the good of the project and he is sure it will work.__

 _ _When the other doctors show their disgust Lehmann challenges them to come up with a better idea, an alternative way of breaking the patient's mind. "After all, how many years have we had him here? He still knows who he is, he is still hanging on to his identity. We have to take that away from him. A combined shock of this magnitude will do it I think."__

 _ _Zola is quiet.__

 _ _Lehmann continues talking. " We are at a crucial point. Barnes' body is responding well to the serum; we have finally found the right combination. We need his mind now. Once we have that then," and at this point he gestures to the two doctors from the new team, "they can begin to fit the new arm. Once that is done the next step is cryo freeze. The team report that they are very close to completion, and they can begin shipping in the new equipment. Once we get that sorted, we can then move on to the final two phases..." he smiles. It is a chilling smile. "...wiping his mind and reprogramming. We have come so far and we are so close."__

 _ _Zola removes his glasses on the pretext of cleaning them to give himself time to think.__

 _ _Everyone is quiet.__

 _ _He finally seems to make up his mind.__

 _ _He looks around the table and then sighs. "Very well," he says.__

 _ _Lehmann sits back, triumphant. He has won.__

 _ _He has already completed the hard work behind his idea. Several months ago he had sent a message to one of their agents in America who supplied everything that was needed and more. Lehmann was extremely pleased when he received the information he had requested, passing it to the necessary resources.__

 _ _What they came back with pleased him even more. It was perfect.__

 _ _The final step came when one of the guards loyal to Lehmann told him about the nightmares Barnes has been having. The guard had overheard Stefan telling Kristo Barnes' fear of Lehmann, and the repeating vision of the doctor slicing off his limbs.__

" _ _Oh Sergeant Barnes, you have no idea of what I am capable of," Lehmann had thought, "and with that, Sergeant," he had spoken out aloud, "you have played right into my hands."__

 **...**

Later when the meeting is over, you make sure you are just outside the door of the meeting room, hoping to hear some of what they have discussed.

Five of the doctors are oddly quiet, and Doctor Jakobs won't meet your eyes. Lehmann is still talking to Zola. You don't hear what is said, but afterwards when Zola is halfway across the room, he turns and speaks to Lehmann once more

"There will be no need for me to be present at the...ah operation. I shall leave it in your capable hands. Just let me know when it is...completed and I will be back." He turns and leaves the room.

You notice that the other doctors do not continue any conversation with Lehmann. It is as if they do not wish to be in the same room as him.

 _ _What operation?__

Your blood runs cold when you look at Lehmann and he smiles at you.


	17. Chapter 17 - Vulnerability

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. There is strong sexual content in this chapter.**

 ** **Chapter Seventeen: The Nurse & James Barnes - Vulnerability****

The next few weeks pass in a blur. Things change. Things get more intense. Things get more frightening.

Doctor Lehmann becomes Director Lehmann and moves into his own office. You learn more about Hydra. Zola is not actually in __command__ of it although most things are run by him. First and foremost he is a scientist, not a 'pen-pusher'. There seems to be a group of men at the top, all rich and powerful and they not only run Hydra but finance it, bring new people in, divide it into sub sections. It seems to cover whole countries.

To you it sounds like they own the world.

The doctors are now using a stronger sedative on James. He is in more pain than before as you cannot use such high doses of morphine with this new one.

Although they have finalised the serum, it is causing problems.

It doesn't always act in the way it should. It causes bad headaches, migraines, and there are times when you have to physically restrain him from bashing his head against the wall. Several times you are forced to completely sedate him. The serum also seems to sometimes get confused, trying to repair areas that are not actually damaged. New teeth grow under healthy ones, the doctors have to resort to surgery to cut them out. New finger- and toe- nails grow under old ones, forcing there way through his skin. It is not something the doctors are overly worried about. After all, they are not the ones experiencing it.

The patient still suffers terrible nightmares. There is one in particular that leaves him screaming in fear, and twice when you have tried to wake him his strength has thrown you across the room. Even you have grown to be wary of him. You ask him about the recurring nightmare and he tells you it is Lehmann cutting off his limbs so he cannot escape. Even as he tells you this much you see the trembling of his hands, hear the fear of it in his voice.

Their tests are producing such better results. His muscle tone is improving, and they can see an end to the testing. He is so __nearly__ there. You hear them say repeatedly that there is just one thing holding them back and you know what they mean: his mind. You don't like to think of that, of what they might do.

There has been construction on each floor of the building. There are new teams, strange machinery. All this for one person?

You have started to learn more about "Project: Winter Soldier" that involves something called cryogenic freezing. You see more of the plans. One chilled you right to the bone. It is a prototype chair, stationed in the main room. They call it the Master Chair, and in one of the diagrams it is fitted to machinery that looks more like a medieval torture device than a modern day scientific breakthrough.

There is also a project that only Lehmann and two others are involved with. These others are people with no sense of humour; they look at everyone coldly. Their work is kept separate from the other projects, and no one is allowed near that part of the tunnels. Not even any of the other doctors.

You, Stefan and Kristo are careful not to be seen talking together, but when you can you gather in secret and trade information. The picture that you are assembling is frightening.

And through it all, James is slowly falling apart.

You have talked to him about his life, his family. He has started to forget so many things. His voice grows quieter and quieter until in the end he hardly speaks at all. When you try to get him to speak he just shakes his head. He gets angry with you, uncomfortable in your presence and you don't know why.

He is shutting you out.

You are losing him.

It is rare for your patient to react to anything these days. They are so close to breaking him. When you heard Lehmann talking about killing more than one bird with one stone you did not know what he was referring to, but the next phase is about the erasure of James Barnes himself and that fills you with dread.

You know they are satisfied with his physical body and that Zola has been talking about the patient's mind. Is that what this is all about? Is __that__ why they are trying to break him? It makes no sense. You know that whatever Lehmann has suggested is going to be bad for James. The man is evil.

Security is tightened. There seems to always be guards everywhere.

Doctor Lehmann has had another one of his __chats__ with you. Your lessons with him are at an end. He has said he will be watching you closely, that if they find you have overstepped your boundaries then you will be gone. Its as easy as that. It makes you reconsider dying once more; how easy it would be to fade away but you will not, cannot, leave James alone.

It is not such a difficult rule to follow. James hardly speaks; sometimes you begin to wonder if he has forgotten how to. And when he does his voice is rusty and it is an odd word here and there. He speaks more with his eyes, which show you everything down to his bare soul, and sometimes that is worse than words.

 _ _He internalises his pain. He is trying to cope on his own. She does not realise the true extent of the torment he is suffering inside his mind. He just wants to reach out to her, to bury himself in her arms. To be held by her and for the rest of the world to melt away.__

To you, his mind seems to be turning more inward every day. It is his only escape from this world. Your guilt of how he came to be here always rules your judgement and that is how you live your life.

One of the things you know that hurts him is the phantom pain in his missing left arm, one which many amputees experience. It is the worst kind as there is nothing there that you can work on to numb the feeling. He knows his limb is missing but it does not stop the reality of the pain, and there are days when you find him curled up, clutching all that is left of his left arm. All you can do is increase the morphine and hope it takes him out of it. You try to encourage him to let you massage the limb but it is rare that he will let you touch him now. Almost sometimes reacting as if the touch of your hand is too hot. Too painful.

Early on in the care of your patient you worried that the morphine would become an addiction. You have seen the way soldiers become dependant upon it before and you do not want to swap one problem for another. You talked it over with Doctor Jakobs and he tells you not to worry, it will not happen; it is something to do with the serum they gave him. It does not allow drugs such as morphine to get a hold of the body or the individuals mind. It explains why they are having to use such a high level of the sedative again.

 **...**

 _ _One morning James is particularly fractious with her, drawing away as she tries to touch him. He is groggy, but seems more awake than he has been in a while – yet he continually turns away from her, ignores her. Stefan can see the effect this is having on Freya. How upset it makes her. Last night, Lehmann stopped the patient's evening sedative; he wanted to see exactly how James will react with no sedative to calm him. James is already having trouble controlling his emotions, controlling the reactions of his body, controlling himself. Stefan knows he is going to have to tell her the truth.__

You return to the room and James won't even look at you, doesn't want to move out of the bed. It takes a few hours of awkward interaction before Stefan tells you what he believes is upsetting your patient; that one of the shower sessions is required. But he also adds to the problem. He tells you he thinks that the help you have given James so far is not going to be enough this time.

You look at him, wide eyed. "As in?"

Stefan blushes and ducks his head. He clears his throat. "You remember what we talked about?"

You blink. "What actually...? No I don't think - I mean I can't do that in the shower room...I..."

"No Freya, I don't mean that. I don't mean...all the way. I mean...you know..." and he gestures with his hand touching his lips as though he is smoking a cigarette.

You look blank for a second and then it dawns on you and your cheeks go pink. "Oh...that..."

Stefan nods. "Yes that."

You know on some level that it is shame that is stopping James from asking you to help. Shame of what he needs, and shame of what he has become - neither of which are his fault. You know what you need to do, but with James not being so highly sedated you feel just helping him in the way Stefan means may not be enough to solve the problem. James needs to feel that you are not pitying him. That he is not as vulnerable as you know he is.

You need him to think he is wanted, and you are doing this because you want to and not out of some misguided loyalty to him.

You think of what you talked about with Stefan. What if you get it wrong? You have never done anything like it before. In fact when he first told you about it you had looked at him in wide eyed awe and hadn't quite believed him at first.

" _ _And men like that?" You had asked.__

" _ _Oh yes Freya, believe me they do." He had said.__

" _ _Oh."__

" _ _And women." Stefan had added mischievously.__

" _ _Women? But how...no don't answer that."__

 _ _You didn't want to know.__

When you suggest it's time to shower you can see that James doesn't want to go with you. You and Stefan glance at each other, and Stefan suggests that he and the patient walk down to the shower room together whilst you change into your smock and grab towels and robes and meet them there.

You catch up with them when you have changed into your usual smock and shower cap, but underneath the cap you have taken out your plait and combed your hair into a pony tail held up by a couple of clips. You hang pyjamas and your uniform up on the back of the door. Fresh towels and everything else you put on the side.

Stefan has started the shower and James is doing his best to wash himself. He is trying to show he is not as weak as he seems, and you do not wish to take that away from him.

Stefan makes an excuse and leaves you both. When James realises what is happening he flushes and you see panic in his eyes. He doesn't want Stefan to go. He doesn't want to be alone with you. You pretend you haven't noticed and instead you suggest he sit on the shower chair just whilst you wash his hair.

He hesitates.

"James, you're much taller than me now and I can't reach up that high any more without it hurting my shoulders," you say calmly.

He nods still not looking at you, and sits. You can see that he is trying to hide the fact he has the beginning of an erection, but it is difficult with only one hand. You know that he is embarrassed.

After washing his hair and getting him back up on his feet you give him a sponge to do his front whilst you work on his back. You are being efficient and nothing else, and you feel him relax slightly. You finish in the shower and switch it off, then pass him towels and help rub his back dry, leaving him to do the rest.

You pass him pyjamas; you want to help him to put on the bottoms but you don't. You keep busy doing other things and by the time you turn back to him he is just ready to put the top on. All of his pyjama tops have the left sleeve shortened; you help him put it on leaving it unbuttoned.

You suggest he sit down whilst you brush the knots out of his hair. It has gotten so long. You grab the scissors and trim it back up to just above his shoulders.

 _ _He lets her. He is feeling tired. He aches; his missing left hand aches. He is feeling so tense from needing to relieve himself that he feels tears pricking his eyes. It makes him feel vulnerable and weak, something he doesn't want her to see.__

But you know so much about this man. You know how he is feeling. You know how he feels about his missing limb. He rarely looks at his left side, and when he does you see the horror in his eyes. You see him every day of your life. He is your world. He needs you but he is beginning to need more than just what you have been providing. His body is more in tune without the sedative, more alive, it craves more contact, more of a personal touch, but he knows how naked and vulnerable he is. You need to give him back his dignity, to cover him, allow him to make the play. Put you both on the same level of the playing field.

To let him be the man he was and still is.

You comb his hair but this time instead of just leaving parted in the middle you part it on his left and sweep it all back behind his ears. As it is still wet it looks as though he has greased it back, just like you have seen pictures of how Americans wear it. It changes his face and you can see more signs of the man you first met back in the field camp. Because his whole face is showing you can see how big his eyes are, how beautiful they are and you feel a flutter low down in your stomach.

 _ _Whilst she has been working on his hair he has been watching her surreptitiously, especially the way her wet smock has moulded to her body. He has seen she is not wearing a bra, which is unusual, and he can see the outline of her breasts, her nipples. It makes him ache between his legs. He wants to groan out loud, he wants to touch her.__

 _ _She interrupts his thoughts to tell him she has finished and he stands up ready to go back to his room. There is a well of disappointment in the pit of his stomach and a deep ache in his balls that he is trying to ignore.__

You move the shower chair back and then ask him if he wouldn't mind waiting a minute whilst you change. You move him back until he realises you want him to sit again but this time on the top of a sealed off area. It is in the corner, a triangle of wood over the plumbing which creates a makeshift seat. He sits down on it and leans slightly back against the wall.

Inside you are so nervous. You are trying to think of the things Stefan told you. You have never played the part of a seductress before, and you certainly don't feel like one. __Oh God what if I get it wrong? What if I misunderstood what Stefan meant?__

You could not have. You questioned him. You made him repeat what you needed to do until the poor man was exasperated. He had warned you that one day you may need to do this, and so you have been working on it in your mind. It is only daunting because it is so important to you.

Before you do anything else, you need to take precautions. You see James puzzle over your actions.

You take up the shower chair and jam it under the handle of the door. You don't want any guards bursting in on you for any reason; if they do, then you will have some warning at least. You then turn on all the taps and the showers so that it sounds as if you are both still in the shower.

By now you know he is watching you closely, but you don't let him know this. You do not want him to think you are going to hurt him in anyway.

Whilst you have your back to him you remove your smock, keeping your back to him you dry yourself. You know he can clearly see your naked shape. You are naked apart from your pants. You take off your cap and unclip your hair, you are so glad you washed it last night. You know he is watching as your hair falls around your bare shoulders. Still without turning around, you change your pants for dry ones.

You reach for your uniform and put it on. It is the plain light khaki dress buttoned from the top to the bottom at the front. You leave the belt on the hook. Then you pull your hair out so that it falls around outside of the dress and then you turn and walk back over to him. Your hands and knees are trembling but you are trying to look confident, to look as if you know exactly what you are doing.

You have not buttoned the dress up and it covers your body like an open coat. All you have on under it is the dry pants. Nothing else. You pick up a folded clean towel and walk to where he is sitting and put the towel on the floor just in front of him. Your skin is tingling and the thought of him touching you is doing things to you that you have never felt before.

Looking at the towel on the floor, he sits slightly forward. Then, he looks at you. You are looking at him, looking straight into his eyes, at his lips, his face. Your heart is hammering and you still feel that fluttering in your stomach.

You move so very close to him. He is now looking up into your eyes. You could drown in his. You lean forward and cup the left side of his head and bend to kiss his lips, softly, gently. You can taste him, the soap you were using, the smell of him. Your hair falls forward over his chest so he can feel the silky smoothness of it and you hear him moan into your mouth.

You go to move away slightly, your eyes still closed. You wait to see if he will follow, to see if he will take over. That is what you want, you want him to be the leader of this.

He does.

His right hand reaches out and pulls your head back closer and your lips meet. You open yours hesitantly and you feel his tongue. He kisses you, exploring your mouth. You feel the heat rising in your body. No man has ever kissed you before and you have a feeling that if they had it would not have been the same as this. This man has power over you; you haven't just lost your heart to him, you've lost your soul and sanity too.

You would do anything for him.

Whilst kissing you he brings his hand down inside the collar of your dress. His fingers brush your throat and then move further down until they brush your nipple, and you can't help but gasp. He cups your breast and you hear him moan again.

Both of you pull away from the kiss but leave your foreheads touching, eyes closed. He runs his thumb over your nipple and you feel it harden. You feel his left arm move but he will realise in a moment he cannot hold you with it. You need to distract him, so you move your head back and move so your body is even closer to his.

You gather up your hair and put it back over your shoulder so he can see you. Your heart is beating so hard that you are sure he will be able to hear it. You are trembling. He bends his head down and kisses your breast and then takes the nipple into his mouth. His hand touches your other breast, his fingers strong and warm, stroking. You think you are going to stop breathing. This is supposed to be for him, but the emotions and feelings running through you are so strong they nearly overwhelm you.

You run your hand through his hair, pushing it backwards and he lets go of you and looks up.

You kiss his forehead and then kneel on the towel on the floor between his legs. You don't take your eyes from his. You put your hand inside the material on his shoulder and lean forward again to kiss him. You kiss his neck and then, pushing the material away from him, you let your hands roam over his body and you follow with your lips. He leans back slightly, mouth open, eyes closed. Then as your hands get lower he comes forward again and reaches out for you, pulling you back to him, and then kissing your lips again.

Whilst he kisses you, your hands reach for the tie of his pyjama bottoms and you undo them and move the material aside so you can reach him. His erection is hard, hot. As your hand touches him he jumps, and his body shudders and he groans.

He lets you go and you kneel lower, your hands stroking him. You can see he is barely breathing. You reach down and run your hand very gently over the top of his cock and then down the hard shaft to the bottom. The skin is so warm and soft and he is so very hard. You have a moment of worry as to how big he is, __please let me get this right__. You hold his cock whilst you dip your head to the top of it.

 _ _She is so close he can feel her breath on him. He stops breathing, mouth open, praying she won't stop.__

You try to remember what Stefan told you and gently you run your tongue over the very tip.

 _ _He remembers to breathe again and moans. The feeling running through his body is burning him. He has imagined her mouth on him so many times and now it is happening. This is what James Barnes likes the most; he doesn't know why, it has always been that way. Steve used to reduce him to a quivering wreck just by the touch of his lips on his hard shaft.__

You move the material of his pyjamas so that you can reach all of him.

You hold his cock with one hand and slip your other one under so you can stroke the skin at the base and then his balls. A small amount of cum dribbles up from the slit and you lick it off. Stefan has warned you about the taste. You are sure you hear James whisper something; you think it might be your name. You move your tongue down the hard shaft to the base and then around and up the under side as your hand slowly starts to massage and stroke his balls and you hear him groan again.

He adjusts his position so that you have better access to him, and this gives you the courage you need to know you are doing the right thing. You move slightly so you can run your tongue along the skin at the base and then using your hands, you move his ball sack closer and gently take his balls into your mouth and suck gently. Your other hand runs up and down his cock slowly and you feel a trickle of cum run down and over your hand. You release his balls and both your hands move to the inside of his thighs and stroke the skin there. You look at his face and he is watching you, his eyes wide, pleading. His chest rising, he is trying to steady his breathing. There is a faint line of sweat on his brow and his top lip and as you watch he swallows hard.

You move your hand to touch him again and your fingers circle his cock. You move slightly and then bend your head down to it. You then take him in your mouth, just the first inch. He is big and you know this is going to take a while to do, especially as this is new to you, you have never done anything like it before. You suck whilst your hand slowly rubs up and down the lower part of his cock, and you then take more of him into your mouth. You hear him moan. You use your other hand on his thigh to steady yourself.

His hand moves to wrap your hair around it and he rests his hand on the back of your head as he closes his eyes. You take in as much as you can, sucking and using your tongue. Then slowly you withdraw your mouth until you reach the top again and your tongue licks and you suck the very end. You slowly move your hand up and down the hard shaft until you hear him moan.

Bowing your head you start to take him into your mouth again, this time more than you have done before. Your own stomach is in knots and you are wet between your legs. Part of you feels a deep longing and wishes his hardness was there between your legs, pushing into you, but at the same time you want him in your mouth. You want to taste him. You want to make him moan again.

This time you work on taking him all in. His cock starts to slide down the very back of your throat and for a moment you are worried you are going to gag as he pushes but you slow him down, breathe deeply though your nose and then start again.

His breathing increases and you can hear him moaning and you know he is close to coming. Your hand at the base grips him harder and so does your mouth, you are moving with him faster now.

You feel his hand clench your hair and the pressure of it on the back of your head increases. He is so very close, he moans again and then arches up. He can't help but thrust himself as far as he can into your mouth, and you feel the hot liquid spurt down the very back of your throat. You must breathe through your nose, remember what Stefan warned.

You hear him cry out.

You drink him down and he thrusts again and again and more liquid fills your throat and mouth. You swallow and the bitter salty taste is everywhere but you don't care, as he came, even over the sound of the water, you heard him say your name and he begged you to not to stop.

He slows. You feel him straighten up. You can hear his breath. You know his heart is beginning to cease its hammering and you feel his cock begin to soften. You slowly release him from your mouth and move back.

His hand is no longer on the back of your head and you feel him release your hair. You cover him up and retie his pyjamas. You can hear him breathing heavily, but he is quiet.

You don't know for a second if you are brave enough to look up at him, but you do and his eyes are on your face. His hand comes up against your cheek and you turn slightly and kiss the palm. You can see he wants to speak, but that he doesn't know what to say. You can taste him in your mouth, down your throat and you can smell his sex.

You go to stand up but he misinterprets what you are doing.

"Don't go, not yet." His voice rusty with misuse and now you know why he couldn't speak; there are unshed tears in his eyes. He is so frightened of losing you, so frightened of being alone.

You stay where you are. You keep your voice gentle. "I'm not going, I will never go, please believe me. I will always be here for you."

You take his hand in both of yours and kiss the back of it and look into his eyes. He is searching yours as if he can read your sincerity in them.

You lean closer.

"Please, please believe me James, you are not alone. I promise I will stay. I will always be here for you."

Tears prick your eyes and when he realises you are telling the truth he leans forward and grabs you to him and holds you as best as he can. You wrap your arms around him and listen to him weep.

 _ _He is James Barnes, and someone has shown him he is a man. One worth loving.__

After a few moments he lets you go, but before you can move away he asks you the question you have always dreaded. "Why? Why do you go through everything to stay with me?"

Now it is your turn to search his eyes. You have always promised yourself that you will be truthful with him. The two of you have only briefly touched on his time in the field camp.

"Because it is my fault you are here." You wait for his response, but it is not the one you were expecting.

"Why? Why do you think that?"

"Because I saved your life at the field camp."

You see shock in his face. "Freya, none of this is your fault. None of it. Why would you think that? You saved my life but you weren't to know what would happen, how could you? How could __anyone__?"

You are both keeping your voices low. Time is running out and you know soon if you don't appear the guards will come looking for you. You can also see the tiredness in his eyes.

"Don't you hate me?" you blurt out. "If I had let you die you wouldn't have gone through all of this. When I first came here you asked me to help you die and I didn't...I couldn't..." now you are weeping. All this time you have thought he would hate you.

His eyes are so sad as he looks at you. You can see he is at the end of the road for today, he needs to sleep. "You? How could I ever hate you?" He ducks his head for a moment, struggling with the words he wants to say. "You're not a killer like I am. None of this is your fault."

Then he looks up at you, reaches out and touches you. "It's the guilt that makes you stay, isn't it? Is that why you remain with me because you feel it is your fault? Is that the only reason? "

You swallow. He is tearing you apart. "No. James, I loved you from the first moment I saw you. You mean so much to me. I could never leave you. I stay because I love you and to leave you would be...be...oh God …" You are crying and he can see your utter devotion for him in your eyes. You clasp his hand in yours. "I don't know what they are going to do to you, James. I'm so frightened. I don't know their plans, what they are trying to achieve, what they..." you let go of his hand "...I can't stop them, I can't get you out of here, I can't do...anything." Tears run down your cheeks. He reaches out to wipe them away, and he tries to smile.

"You don't need to do any more than what you do. I know when I see you I'm not alone," he tries again to smile but it is more a grimace. "I think they want me dead. Not my body. Just my mind."

The horror and sadness that shows in your face is reflected in his. What can you say to him? The reality is all around you. He clutches your hand tightly and leans forward more so there is hardly any space between you. His eyes search yours. "Just don't leave me please. Don't let me be alone, no matter what they do to me please don't leave me." His eyes are wide, red-rimmed. You place your hand on his cheek and stroke it.

"I love you James Barnes. I could never leave you," you tell him.

It is a promise you will always keep.


	18. Chapter 18 - Together Now In Death

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eighteen - Together Now In Death As They Were In Life****

You do not know what Doctor Lehmann is planning, but you know Zola does not want to be here when it happens. He is squeamish. That frightens you. What could be so terrible that even the head of the project wants no part in it? During his time here, the patient has been tortured, burnt, assaulted, starved, and continually pumped full of a serum which would make him into...what?

What could be worse than what he has already been through?

You still do not know all the outcome of the project - although you have your suspicions. You know how his body has became stronger, how despite wounds so bad that they have festered it has fixed itself. You know they need to have him under almost constant sedation as he gets stronger. For the last few days it has been getting worse. Lehmann has been making the sedation stronger and stronger until once again he is almost always bed-ridden, barely able to move or to comprehend anything. You feel the pace has increased. The building work is complete, the machinery in place.

All this for one man. James Barnes.

Their Winter Soldier.

 **...**

The day starts badly. Your patient has been in a lot of pain since the last batch of whatever they have injected into him. He barely sleeps that night, and when he does he has terrible nightmares which leave him screaming. You thought the serum trials were over. But if so, then what are these latest injections about?

You sit by his bedside, trying to let him know you are there, that he is not alone; but you don't know if he even knows where he is any more - not that any of you truly know where you are. He was calling out Steve's name again. It is something that happens more and more.

Come the morning James looks so haggard and grey. Lehmann does not visit to give him the morning sedative. Instead you receive a message via Marinov. You and Stefan are to bring the patient to a room you have never been in before. The room in question is the recreation room used by the guards. Marinov does not know any more than you do. He had been ordered along with two of his guards, to assist Lehmann in setting the room up and can tell you no more.

What has Lehmann got planned?

James is so tired that it is an effort to get him out of bed so you and Stefan use the wheelchair to take him there. When you bring James into the room you see that the tables and chairs have been cleared to the side and a projector has been set up in the middle of the room. The far wall of the room is to act as the screen. Stefan looks at you, and is as puzzled as you are.

You are told to put the patient's wheelchair in the middle of the room, in front of the screen, and you are both to stay. You pull up chairs, one either side of him.

 _ _Doctor Lehmann smiles to himself; it's as if the nurse and orderly are trying to protect their patient. Do they__ really __think they can?__

 _ _What are they doing? James looks questioningly at her, his eyes tired and bloodshot.__

" _ _I don't know," Freya whispers to him, and he sees concern and fear in her eyes. The pit of his stomach drops. He knows he is near the end. He knows they are determined to win.__

Doctor Lehmann approaches them.

"Sergeant Barnes! We thought it has been a long time since you had news from your home, and we decided it is unfair for us to keep the truth from you. There are things you should know." He turns and points at the blank wall, where the projection is to be. "We have put together a few things; American newsreels that we feel you might like to see, news you have the right to know. This is, how do you say; __straight from the horse's mouth.__ It is rather old news, I'm afraid, but still better late than never."

Your mouth goes dry.

He used James' name.

Lehmann moves away and the lights go out. You look at James. His face was pale before, but now all you can see is the ghostly light flickering over it and a look of dread. His eyes are wide, but focused.

 _ _When you look back at what the newsreel showed you are surprised it does not drive him mad, although you think he is not far from it. How could they be so cruel? How could Zola and Jakobs let this be done to him? Hasn't he lost enough?__

 _ _Hadn't they done enough to him already?__

The reel starts with a brief look around a place called Brooklyn. It's a name you recognise from your talks with James, and from his indrawn breath you realise that he recognises it. He leans forward, his hand gripping the arm of his chair. The look on his face is tragic. This is his home. He recognises the streets, the shops, houses, the docks.

"America is looking up, things are booming!" chirrups the newsreader, telling James that life is going on as normal without him. The reel continues mercilessly, detailing how things were going now that the war had ended and most of the soldiers had returned home to their families.

 _ _All but James,'__ you think bitterly, and as if the newscaster had read your mind a scene of a graveyard is shown, new white headstones layering the landscape.

The newscaster moves on to say that not all of the soldiers came home. That not all families were lucky enough to have their sons and fathers returned to them.

The next scene shows a family grieving, and you hear an awful sound from James. The camera zooms in on the headstone they are stood next to. The name engraved there is unmistakable: James Buchanan Barnes. "Bucky" is written underneath, followed by the date of his birth and death.

It is his family on the screen.

They are holding on to each other. Shock shows in their features. Siblings who look so like him are talking softly to an older man - James' father. The look in his eyes distressing to see. A blond haired man is with them, and he is holding onto a distraught woman - James' mother - as she sobs. She clutches the lapels of his uniform. His parents have aged. They are both grey, drawn but you can see where James gets his features from.

This will tear James apart.

The film cuts to a group of American soldiers appearing to get ready for a mission. Your heart stops when you realise one of them is James Barnes. The announcer refers to him as __Bucky,__ and it is then that you finally get to meet Steve Rogers. He is the blond man who was trying so desperately to comfort James' mother.

The commentator introduces Steve Rogers as Bucky's lifelong friend. There then follows a short explanation and series of photographs showing Steve Rogers undergoing an experiment. You can see the terrible illnesses James told you about that Steve had as a child and the destruction it wrought on his body. Then you see what Steve Rogers became and everything falls into place. You finally see the work Zola is trying to catch up on.

 _ _James is sat watching. He cannot take his eyes away from the screen. He cannot take his eyes off Steve. His Steve, his love.__

The commentator begins to explain how the two men fought together side-by-side. Another scene is shown. James, leaning on the bonnet of a Jeep, looking at a map. On the other side of the bonnet stands Steve Rogers. Next to him, open on the Jeep's hood, is what seems to be a compass; in the lid is a picture of a woman. You don't want to stop looking at James on the screen, at __Bucky__ lifting his right hand up to brush his hair back, his left hand cradling a rifle. It makes your stomach tighten.

Further photographs are shown. In most of the photographs Steve and Bucky are together, and you can see the love the two men, Barnes and Rogers, bore for one another right from when they were so young.

Then who, you wonder, was the woman whose picture Steven Rogers carries around with him?

The film returns to the soldiers and you learn that their unit was called the Howling Commandos. You see a picture of a howling wolf, and you remember the animal embossed on his dog tags.

Your eyes don't ever leave the screen whilst Bucky is on there. The friendship is described again on the audio track, and you see Bucky and Steve talking and laughing with each other. He looks so young and you have never seen him carefree before.

You hear a noise which brings you back to the present. James is having trouble breathing. There are tears rolling down his face but he trying to smile. It is a hesitant smile, as if he is remembering perhaps when the film itself was taken.

He is seeing Steve again for the first time in such a long time, and it is breaking his heart.

But then the newsreel changes to a later one and the music they are using changes. It becomes sad. Melancholy. The announcer's voice drops low as he tells his audience about the loss of one of the Howling Commandos, James Buchanan Barnes, __Bucky__ to his family and friends. You see again the shot of the family weeping. Steve Rogers trying to console Bucky's mother.

You watch as one by one the family turn their backs and walk away from the headstone bearing James' name, leaving Bucky alone with the dead.

The scene changes again to one where Steve Rogers talks about the mission that had just taken place and Bucky's fall from the train during it. Steve's expresses his regret at not even being able to bring Bucky's body home for burial. He talks of a memorial service and you feel sick. They thought he had died.

There was never any search for Bucky. You reach over and take James' hand but he doesn't notice.

 _ _All this time, James thought he had given up on being rescued. But this had made him realise he hadn't. In the back of his mind, buried deep, he always harboured a small bit of hope. Hope that Steve would find him, would never give up until he did.__

 _ _But it turns out, he never even tried.__

 _ _It hits James hard.__

 _ _No-one ever looked for him. Not even Steve.__

The newsreel shows a few other things with Steve Rogers; but this time it is film of him with the other Howling Commandos, and the woman in the photograph. It shows that she has taken James' place in the commando unit.

Perhaps taken more than his place with the unit.

The commentator introduces her as Peggy Carter, and adds that she is Steve Rogers fiancée. You hear an indrawn breath from James and his hand clenches so hard you fear he is going to break your fingers.

But there is worse to come.

Something so terrible that you wanted to stop the film, to take James out of there but you couldn't and afterwards...afterwards, you finally gave up hope of there being any humanity left in Hydra.

The screen darkened. The scenes show people in shock, on the street, crying, as the announcer's voice carries through the room.

"Sad news for the people of not just Brooklyn, but for all of us. Captain America, Steve Rogers, is dead."

You hear James utter the word __no.__ He shakes his head slowly. You look over at Lehmann; he is watching James, watching the effect all of this has on his prisoner, and you know this is just what he wants.

This will break James.

"Captain Rogers dies in what up until then had been a successful mission," the announcer says, and you look back at the screen. The newscaster explains about the mission, lead by both Captain Rogers and Peggy Carter, to take down Hydra - and its tragic consequences when Captain Rogers is lost over the sea, bringing down a plane loaded with bombs that were bound for different American cities.

It does not tell you that Steve's body was never found but neither you or James realise this. You are too concerned for James and he is to numbed by what he is hearing.

 _ _Steve Rogers is dead. Steve Rogers never even tried to find him. The two things have taken root in James' mind and will continue to go around and around driving him slowly mad.__

 _ _Steve Rogers replaced him with Peggy.__

 _ _Steve Rogers never looked for him.__

A memorial service is held for Steve, and Peggy Carter is interviewed about him. You hear James whisper, "Peggy, I'm sorry."

 _ _I was right, James thinks to himself.__ __I had lost him already.__

The announcer goes on to say that Peggy and Steve were to have been married in the summer.

You thought James was the love of Steve's life - had he already lost him to this woman, to Peggy Carter?

 _ _Lehmann watches them both carefully. What they do not know is that some of the announcer's script was not in the original newsreel; it has been dubbed, edited, and the propaganda, is serving its purpose beautifully.__

The film ends with a brief film show of a series of pictures of Steve and Bucky together, a school photograph, then repeats again the film shown of the two of them laughing with each other, the two of them planning missions together. Old friends' photographs come to light showing the two together, always together then a final set of words:

 _"_ _ _Together now in death as they were in life."__

The reel ends.

Everything is quiet. Hushed.

All that can then be heard is the film looping over on the projector. The lights are put back on and you look at James. He has the thousand yard stare you know so well, unfocused, his breathing harsh. You can't get him to look at you. His eyes are trapped in the past. He is not even crying any more. He is like stone, not moving, not even blinking.

Doctor Lehmann approaches once more. "I am sorry for the loss of your friend, but at least he had spent the last of his months happy with such a beautiful lady. It is a shame they never got to marry before he died."

You can't even look at Lehmann. You ignore him. You squeeze James' hand but you get no response.

"Ah well, perhaps later." Doctor Lehmann smiles. "Such a shame no one ever even came looking for you, Sergeant Barnes. Good for us though. We were the ones who rescued you from interrogation. It shows we care for you more than your friends did, more than Captain Rogers ever did."

And then he leaves the room. The first part of his plan is laid. His work is done for now.

 **...**

 _ _When he had first had the newsreels put together, Lehmann's hardest choice was deciding if he should make it sound as though Roger's death was the result of Barnes', or whether it would do more damage to make the patient think his friend had stopped caring for him.__

 _ _The agent in America had been very thorough, and Lehmann now knew Barnes and Rogers had been lovers, knew of their devotion to one another. When the agent had mentioned Peggy Carter, everything had fallen into place. It would be far more painful for Barnes to think the person he loved the most in the whole world had forgotten him, had moved on.__

 _ _And best not to let him realise that Rogers had died almost right away, better for Barnes to think that he had had time to adjust to the minor loss of his friend before moving on to sweeter pastures.__

 **...**

You and Stefan wheel James back down the corridor. Neither of you know what to say. Before you reach his room, you stop.

"Stefan, can you cover for me?" you ask.

You know you need to do something. You recognise shock when you see it. You need to get James to talk. You need him to come out of the daze he is in. You know that back in his room with the guards there you will not be allowed to converse with him.

Stefan nods and you pull the wheelchair back, and into the shower room. James sits, oblivious. You need him to react, you need him to let his feelings out and not bottle them up.

You place a chair under the door. Stefan stands outside.

You switch on all the taps and all of the showers. The noise in the room is almost deafening. It bounces off the tiled walls and floor.

In here someone can scream and shout and not be heard.

You crouch in front of the chair. "James? James, I am so sorry." You lean forward and place your hand on his knee, but he is like a statue and doesn't move. You look into his eyes and they are unfocused but you can see his jaw is tightly gripped and you can almost hear him grinding his teeth. There is such an anger there, such pain. He needs to release it somehow, to get it out.

 _ _'Steve never even tried to find me. Steve just couldn't wait for me to be out of the way. I thought he loved me, but he didn't, he lied to me...he's dead...no..he can't be, he can't...' these thoughts are going around and around in James' mind. He can't see beyond them.__

"James, you need to talk about this. That was your Steve wasn't it. I am so sorry, I had no idea, I didn't know they were going to show you that. I didn't know he had died, if I did..." if you had, what would you have done?

A small noise escapes from him and he looks away from you. His hand is gripping the chair so hard you can hear the metal groaning. His whole body is tensed, coiled like a spring.

"James talk to me."

Nothing.

How can you make him react?

You sit back and look at him. What must be going on in his mind? What pain was he going through?

"James...James, please look at me..." you sit forward.

Nothing.

What can you do? What can you say to bring him back to now?

You look at him again.

"Bucky..." you say hesitantly, and that is what breaks his silence.

"He never even looked for me! He never even tried!" he shouts, so loud it hurts your ears, makes your heart start to hammer and spittle hits your face.

He rears up so fast that it pushes you backwards, and his hand hits you so hard your head rings. You fall awkwardly on your hands. He grabs your plait and pulls you up so close to him, he is kneeling beside you, he moved so fast and for the first time ever you are scared of him.

There is a madness in his eyes that you have never seen before.

"Don't you call me that! Don't you ever call me Bucky! Don't you dare! Only my family calls me that, only my friends, not filth like you," he shouts, almost a scream and the words bounce around the room. No one outside can hear them above the water.

His eyes are deep pits.

His eyes are murderous.

" _ _I thought, I thought..." he can't complete the sentence, rage is surging through him. Years of torture. Never realising all along he is waiting for Steve to come and rescue him. He had believed in him and Steve hadn't even tried. Had just replaced him with Peggy. Moved on. Had forgotten about him.__

He pushes you backwards and stands. Turns. You can see he doesn't know what to do with his anger. His fist is opening and closing. He is sweating, his breath coming in great big bursts. He slams the wheelchair backwards with such strength that it lifts into the air and hits the sink. You have never seen strength like this, it is a strength borne of anger and Zola's serum. You know from experience that the anger should die out, that you need to ride the storm. You just pray it does die and you are still alive to be here for him.

"Talk to me," you say, trying to stand up.

He spins around and in two strides he is in front of you once more. He hits you again and you go flying back into the wall, cracking your head and hurting your back so much that tomorrow you will have trouble standing.

He follows and stands close. He lifts his hand, the fist tightly clenched to hit you again. You can't help but flinch and put a hand up.

"Please! No!" Fear makes you beg, but you asked for this, you courted it - and now the look in his eyes terrifies you.

He draws his hand back as if to hit you again and you can't help but turn away and hold both your hands up to try to deflect the blow.

Nothing happens and you look back at him. His eyes are holes, deep and black.

Instead of hitting you he grabs your hair and knocks your head back up against the wall.

"Talk to you! Why?" his voice is dangerously quiet. "So you can trick me? So you can pretend you're my friend? You say you care, is it so you can help them tear me apart? Is that it?"

Tears now threaten to unhinge him. His eyes are searching yours and you don't know what to say. If you say the wrong thing you will lose him forever.

Then you see a memory hit him. His eyes leave yours. His hand falls to his side, releasing you.

"Steve," he whispers, as if repeating it to someone. "He's gone. I didn't protect him, I...I wasn't there to stop him from dying." His voice sounds like broken glass. He lowers his fist. "He's gone, and it's my fault...my fault." He turns around as if looking for an answer. "Why didn't I escape? I could have been there, I could have stopped it. Why didn't I try?...why didn't I...its my fault if I had been there, if I had just..." He goes to take a step but instead his knees buckle and he crumples to the floor. You step forward and kneel shakily down beside him, and this time he lets you in. He lets you take him in your arms. You hold him tightly as he weeps. You can't understand all of his words, they are so quiet, so full of pain but you know he is whispering Steve's name over and over.

"Steve, don't be dead, you can't be dead, I love you, please I need you, why didn't you love me? Why didn't you look for me...? " With everything he has been through, everything they have done to him, this is the cruellest, this hurts the most. This does the most damage.

Lehmann should be proud of himself.

For a time you don't say anything: you rock him gently, stroke his hair, kiss his forehead; anything to show you are there for him. You can't say anything about his friend to make him feel better. You didn't know him. You didn't know Bucky before he came into your life, you have only ever known James.

You can give no comfort. Only Steve could do that.

James goes quiet and you feel the tension leaving his body. You loosen your grip and he leans backwards but only so he can see your face, only so that he can search your eyes. It's as if his strength has dawned on him. He sees a smear of blood that has run from your nose and he looks at you in horror.

"God, what have I done." His hands go to your face, go to stroke your hair. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." He is weeping again, looking at you, checking your arms, your face. You tell him not to worry, that you are not hurt. He tries to wipe the blood away with the corner of his sleeve, and you help.

His anger has run its course for now.

"What am I?" he asks you softly "What have I become?"

You reach out and take him in your arms again, and he rests his head on your shoulder.

"I thought he loved me," he says simply and there is nothing you can say that doesn't sound like a lie. "My parents, they looked so old, so full of pain. They think I'm dead. Do you think they will forget me, like Steve did?" his voice is so choked.

"They will never forget you James, never." You try and say this with conviction, but you are not sure of the truth. It is not something you can speak on, because you are certain your own parents have forgotten you.

"I want to go home. They'll never let me will they?" he says, quietly.

You look at each other for a long time. You both know the answer.

"Help me," he says.

"Anything." But as the word comes out of your mouth, deep down you know what he is going to ask you to do and your stomach drops.

"Kill me Freya. Please kill me. I don't want to go on, don't make me go on. I can't do this, I can't..." your own face is pale, your eyes widen and you begin to shake your head no. He sees the pain in your eyes, the tears.

"Oh no please, please don't ask me that. Please don't ask me," you whisper. You would do anything for him but this.

"I want to die. Please. You and I know that this is part of whatever they are going to do to me to finish it. Please...I...I can't go through any more...I can't take any more pain. Please Freya, you are all that I have now, the only one I can ask. Don't keep me alive." And he starts to weep again and you hold him, stroking his hair.

"I know, I know."

"Help me," his voice is so low you can hardly hear it.

You are quiet.

"Please help me. I want to be with Steve."

You know if you don't reply he will beg. You can't make him do that.

"I'll...I'll help you. God forgive me," you whisper, and in those words you agree to help him die.


	19. Chapter 19 - The Final Wall Crumbles

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. There is extreme medical torture in this chapter as this is one of the darkest chapters.**

 ** **Chapter Nineteen: The Nurse & James Barnes - The Final Wall Crumbles****

Later, back in his room, his eyes don't leave you. Reminding you of your promise. Your mind is in turmoil. You don't want to think about it but you must.

How do you kill someone whose body repairs itself at the rate his does? Poison? Slit throat? Awful images fill your mind, and you feel faint. Stefan thinks it is because you haven't eaten today and is kind to you, fussing when all you want is to be left alone. He can see you are not yourself, and when he sees James watching you and the ghastly pallor of your face, he begins to suspect something. He asks you what James said but you just shake your head.

"Nothing," you say, your mind churning.

James is so tired that he falls asleep. You sit at your desk with your head on your arms. How can you do it? Will Stefan help? No, you cannot ask that of him. If he is caught it will be a death sentence for him. You know whatever you do is a death sentence for you too, but without James you don't want to live.

You wish, and not for the first time, that Doctor Bethune was here. You know he would help; he would know what to do. Awful thoughts and images keep going through your mind as you sit there. It has to be something that will destroy his body completely - or at least his brain - something that even Zola's serum cannot bring him back from. Could you get hold of a gun? Most of the soldiers and guards only carry the batons, which are of no use. You suspect your security authorisations do not allow you any where near the Armoury, even if you knew where it was located.

Before you know it you have fallen asleep, and someone is shaking you awake. It is Doctor Lehmann. You stand up, flustered, knocking the chair over.

"And how is our patient?" he asks. It is a rhetorical question. You don't reply, you are past playing games now. He has come to tell you that your patient and your presence is required in the morning for an operation. You look at him for a moment and then duck your head.

"What time?" you ask quietly.

"Oh, I think an early start. Say 8.30am, in Room 2, I think."

"Room 2? But...but that isn't an operating room. It's the autopsy room," you stutter.

"That is the room we will use, nurse."

"But it's not clean, it's..."

"It will do," he says.

As he goes to leave you can't help but step forward and catch his arm. "What... what are you going to do to him?" you ask, your eyes full of dread.

He looks at your hand and you take it away.

"I have told you all you need to know. Just be on time. And of course, no food for the rest of the day – we don't want him being sick tomorrow, do we?"

"But without more details how will I need to know what is needed for Ja...for the patient?"

He informs you that another nurse will be attending, and that she will know what is needed. "My dear girl, you will be there just as a back-up and to clean up...any mess."

"Please...what are you going to do to him?" Your voice is a whisper.

Lehmann smiles.

"Just a small...operation. We are bringing in someone to do do it. You do not need to know any more than that." But he does add that the man who will be doing the work is arriving tonight. " A specialist in his field."

 _ _Lehmann smiles again. He can see the fear in her eyes, but also he can see that if she could she would strike out at him until his face is a mass of blood and gore. He doesn't really want her presence at the operation but he knows that the patient will be more pliable if she is in the room.__

 _ _Pliable until the new drug takes over. He is not stupid enough to tell her this.__

Now you are even more than frightened. Whatever it is they are planning is going to happen so soon.

After Lehmann leaves you check on James; he is still asleep but you can see it is not a pleasant dream. He has barely moved but his body twitches, his face grey and pale.

You sit down next to the bed thinking again of your promise, but within a few minutes a guard enters and takes up his post within the room itself. You ask why, and he tells you it is Doctor Lehmann's orders. You realise with a sinking feeling that Doctor Lehmann is not a fool, he doesn't trust you.

An idea has come to mind, but you do not honestly know if it will work; you do not know enough about the serum. The thoughts are still going around and around in your mind, driving you mad. If you cause James to bleed, the serum will repair the damage. Suffocation...they will just get him breathing again - and there is no way the guard in the room will allow you to place a pillow over the patient's face. If you poison him it will mean terrible pain, and how much do you use to stop the serum from repairing the damage it does?

You know of a doctor who put a patient out of their misery; it was a soldier who had lost most of his guts on the battlefield, but his body would not die. It was simple: a large air bubble in the blood stream. Would that work? It would have to be a large enough air bubble, injected into the right place, to cause an embolism. You wrack your brain, trying to think what it was the doctor did. There would no guarantee though as it isn't a proven method for killing someone. If the air bubble isn't big enough it will just be carried along until it is extinguished by the blood. You just do not know enough about it.

You have until tomorrow morning to fulfil your promise. You feel sick, you feel so alone, what can you do? How can you do it? What will work? You just cannot think straight.

Two guards are posted outside his room in tandem with the one inside, and people are in and out of the room for the rest of the day. Other doctors visit to take readings. Two people you have never seen before are shown James like he is a scientific experiment.

The guard inside the room watches you like a hawk. You try to remain calm and go about your duty as if it is just another day, but inside you are trembling.

James has woken up and is quiet, focused on you. You can't meet his eyes, because you think he is waiting for you to fulfil your promise. But you can't ignore him, and under the pretence of giving him a drink you sit on the edge of the bed. His hand shakes as you help him take the water. There are big black bags under his eyes and as you go to stand up he takes your hand and you don't move.

The door is open. The guards can hear you talking. You just have to trust that none of them understand English.

"They don't trust us much do they?" he says, trying to inject humour into the situation.

You try to smile but instead your eyes fill with tears and he squeezes your hand.

"Hey, don't," he says quietly. You can see even this tires him out. "Listen what we talked about earlier..." his voice wavers "...forget it, will you. I was upset, talking out of my head you know." You shake your head, your eyes wide. "You think they are going to let us get away with anything?" he nods to the guards "...it's too late. Don't do anything stupid, okay?"

You don't reply.

 _ _As he says the last sentence to her he remembers the last time he said those words, to someone else. To Steve.__

" _ _Don't do anything stupid until I get back."__

" _ _How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you." And he feels such an emptiness open up within him.__

 _ _He looks at her hand in his and strokes his thumb across the back of it. He looks back at her. This time there are tears in his eyes.__

" _ _I...I can't do this alone. I need you there. If you try to kill me they will kill you and..." He cannot complete this sentence. "Please don't leave me alone. You promised." He is trying so hard to be brave. He adds this last bit knowing that he has to stop her somehow. He remembers Lehmann's warning. If she kills him then she will die. He was stupid, selfish to ask her to risk so much, and now it is important to him that she understand.__

 _ _That he has released her from her promise of death.__

 _ _When he awoke and saw the extra guard, and how focused on her he was, and how he watched everything she did James realised the danger she was in. How could he have asked her to do something so dangerous? How could he have put her at risk? She means so much to him. The thought of her dying chokes him until he can hardly breathe__.

You look at the floor, then at James. His eyes are so blue, so full of trust for you.

"I should have done more. I should have done something when you first asked me to, when..." you pick at one of the blankets, a loose thread, and you focus on that. He doesn't speak and you look back up at him. "I've wasted so much time when I could have helped you."

Those beautiful eyes, so tired, so ready to die. "You have helped me Freya. You're not a killer..." his voice is dry and he starts to cough. You help him drink again.

You try to smile - but he sees the tears in your eyes.

"I'm sorry I've done this to you," he says. "I came into your life and ruined it."

"No, no...you mustn't think that...I..." You stroke his cheek. You can't continue, but he knows what you were going to say.

You are both quiet for a moment.

Before you can say any more you hear footsteps out in the corridor and Doctor Lehmann enters. His eyes are on James and you could almost swear he looks hungry. Whatever he has arranged he knows it will work. It will take Lehmann to the top of Hydra.

"Ah, Sergeant Barnes, you look so much better."

Neither of you say a word. You stand up as the doctor approaches James and you see he has a hypodermic needle in his hand. He goes to the right side of the bed. "Just something I want to try, it will help you sleep better."

He takes hold of James' arm and before you can move he jabs the needle in. You see your patient wince. The liquid drains out of the syringe into James.

Lehmann looks at you.

"You look as if you need to sleep as well nurse. After all, it is a big day tomorrow," he says.

He is right, you should be off duty by now. You look back at James and he is struggling to keep his eyes open.

"I will, a bit later..." you stutter.

"No I insist. Off you go! I'm sure one of the guards will call you if there is a problem, but I don't think Sergeant Barnes will wake again for the next twelve hours," he says. When you look back at James you can see he will be asleep in no time.

You have no option but to leave.

 **...**

You don't sleep.

How can you?

It is 2am and you have returned to James' room, telling the guards you need to check on your patient. You tell the one inside you just need to administer another injection from Doctor Lehmann. He is not to know any different; Lehmann should have told them not to let you do anything more.

You sit and watch James as he sleeps. He does not know you are there as he is so heavily sedated. You don't know what the drug was that Lehmann used but you know it is one of those they haven't used before.

 _ _Although the drug has knocked him out he twitches and groans as he sleeps. It is not deep enough to close his mind off and the nightmares are thick and fast. The drug is new, specially designed so that in the morning the patient will feel as if he has not slept at all: fear will be allowed to eat at him, and that will help lower and keep his defences down.__

Your mind is whirling. In your pocket is an empty hypodermic syringe. You keep replaying the footage from the newsreel in your mind. James had looked so happy, so full of life...and now he is a different man and you have promised to help him out of this nightmare. He had told you not to, but you know that is because he is worried for you; you could see it in his eyes. You are so tired now that you can't think straight, you can't think beyond the next few minutes.

The guards are talking outside. They believe you are just checking up on your patient. If they were to look in they would see nothing untoward. The guard inside is the same.

You move to the right hand side and move his arm out of the bed. James is so drugged and he mutters something and you move his hair back from his brow and bend down and kiss him on the forehead.

You are crying now.

Your hands are shaking and you search for a blood vessel that you can inject the needle into, but there is a noise outside and somebody else enters the room before you can find one.

You step back unsteadily, dropping the syringe on the floor.

It is Stefan, and his eyes are trained on you. The guilt and pain that shows on your face makes him realise he was right about what he thinks you are doing in the room. "I thought I would check up on how things are going," he says, loudly, for the guards to hear. Then he steps over to stand next to you, his back to the guard. "Freya, you can't do this," he says quietly.

"I don't know what you mean..." you try to bluff, but you can't hold his gaze.

"Let me see your hands." He holds his out and you show him yours. They are empty.

He looks you up and down, then leans forward and reaches into your pockets. Checking to see what is in there. He knows you too well, and he knows he is right. He checks over James' bed. Nothing. Then he looks under it and sees the syringe on the floor. It is cracked and when he picks it up you grab it.

"No!...its broken! Oh God no..." you cry. Your nerves are frayed. You are not strong enough to do this, and your mind is close to closing down. Stefan looks to the guard and smiles as if to say everything is okay. The other guards are still talking outside. Everything is calm.

Stefan holds you by both arms and shakes you gently making you look at him."Freya, listen to me. Nothing will work. You know this, you...know...this! Whatever is in Zola's formula will stop you in your tracks. You can't kill him unless you do something like cut his head off! And somehow I can't see you doing that..." his words are humorous but neither of you are laughing. He reiterates. "You cannot kill him."

"But I promised."

Stefan needs you to see sense. "If you try, you will be found and killed..."

"I don't care..." you start.

"I know, but he will. James will, don't you see? You will be leaving him alone. Leaving him to face God alone knows what." He can see you are not thinking, and he knows that leaving James alone is your biggest fear. He has to make you understand. "They will kill you. He will be left on his own to face whatever it is Lehmann is going to do to him tomorrow. Do you want that to happen? Do you want him to be alone? Are you that selfish? Think! They will be able to counteract anything you are capable of doing; even if you are successful and kill him, they will bring him back. They will still go ahead with their plans and James will no longer have you by his side...you will be dead, he will be alone, totally alone...do you understand?"

Your mind is trying to take in the words. He can see you are dead on your feet and he takes you over to the seat at the desk and sits you down. The guard queries what is wrong and Stefan smiles at him. "You know how women are! They get so hysterical over the smallest of things," he says cryptically and shrugs.

The guard is young and doesn't want to appear ignorant, doesn't want to appear not to be a man of the world. "Ah," he says and winks, not really understanding at all.

Stefan talks to you for the next few minutes, quietly, making you see sense. "You told me you promised him you would never leave him," he says.

"I know." You are weeping.

"You have to be strong and be with him, you are the only thing he has now. Go and sleep, I'll stay with him, I promise."

"But..."

"He won't wake until later, and you need to rest otherwise you will be no good to him."

"I don't know what they are going to do. What have they got planned? Stefan, I'm so frightened. They are so... _ _evil__. Why is this happening?"

Stefan's face looks old before its time. "I don't know but he is going to need you." He leans forward and kisses your forehead.

"Now, go, sleep."

 _ _What has frightened Stefan most about this is Doctor Jakobs. He came to see Stefan earlier; whilst he couldn't talk about what was going to happen, he told Stefan that he will need to be here for her. He didn't mention James, just Freya. Whatever was happening it would be so horrifying it would affect her deeply, and she will need a friend.__

You go back to your room and, without even changing, you curl up on your bed. You are too tired to cry. You don't think you are going to sleep, but within a few minutes your body and mind shut down.

It knows you are at the end.

 **...**

You return to your patient's room early. Stefan nods and then leaves so that he can change. He will then return to help you. You both look like hell. Your back is sensitive from yesterday when you collided with the wall, so you swallow two phenacetin and put some in your pocket for later. You know you will need them.

James is groggy but waking up. He has difficulty with coordination, and the black bags under his eyes have deepened as if he hasn't slept at all.

He needs your help to sit up. You try to tell him not to worry but your voice dries up. You cannot lie to him. He senses something, and you see the fear in his eyes deepen. You take his hand in both of yours. You don't know what to say and he realises this and he tries to smile as if he is trying to reassure you.

You don't know if you can cope any more.

"I'm so sorry," you whisper.

"Freya, there is nothing you can do. Just don't leave me alone with them," he says quietly.

You sit on the edge of the bed and weep and he tries to stroke your hair. There is no more need for the words he cannot speak.

Stefan joins you. He has been told to just dress the patient in just shorts: no other clothing will be needed.

You both help him change, and you can feel the trembling in his body as you dress him. He can barely stand and Stefan is to help you take him down to the Room 2. He sees the terrible white pallor of your face and then you hear the footsteps of the guards coming to fetch you to escort you there. There are four of them. They are taking no chances.

James holds his hand out and you give him yours. He is trying to speak to you and you lean forward.

" _ _Its not your fault," he says. He is trying to tell her that anything that happens is not her fault, he doesn't blame her in any way. It is so important to him that she understand. He can see by the look on her face that she doesn't believe him. She will always believe it is her fault, that she should have done something more. He doesn't know how else to impress this on her. It is so important to him that she believes him.__

 _ _The guards hold back for a moment, sensing the situation.__

" _ _Its not your fault," he repeats, and using the last of his strength he brings her hand up to his lips and kisses it. She can't say anything, she has no voice and instead she puts her arms around him and buries her face in his chest.__

 _ _He holds her as best as he can. He kisses the top of her head. "Just don't leave me," he murmurs and she promises she won't. This is a promise she will keep.__

You help him sit in the wheelchair and then you and Stefan take him to Room 2.

In the middle of the room is an autopsy table, and someone has laid something like a thick sheet of wood on the top covered with a white cloth. Leather straps have been added to the side. Added to the top left hand side is a large piece of steel with a gulley running down the middle, containing holes for drainage.

A trolley has been set up and stabilised next to the table. It contains medical instruments of some type.

The room is dingy. Old blood stains the walls and floor; a drain in the middle of the space captures any residue. The only light comes from a single ancient light fitting, making the rest of the room seem dirty and murky. A guard brings in a second floor light. Its luminosity makes you see shadows, makes you blink with its brightness.

You and Stefan are told to place the patient on the table and strap him down, but there is no strap for what remains of his left arm. However, his left arm does fit on the large piece of steel; it becomes apparent that this is the reason the extra bit of table has been added. Easier for someone to get at the arm and operate on it.

You pull the wheelchair up next to the table and, between you, you help him get up on the table. James can barely move and he is trying so hard not to tremble. His eyes are wide and his breathing heavy. He does everything you tell him to and his eyes don't leave yours.

Three guards stay inside the room, and another two are posted outside. An additional light goes on in the corner of the room. Someone seems to be running a camera. Your attention is pulled away and you think no more of it.

Another, older nurse is preparing trays. You have never seen her before. She indicates nursing greens for you to put on and Stefan helps you. There are no masks.

Your heart is thumping. You have no idea of what they are going to do but when you turn and see the trolley laid out with flesh strippers and a bone saw you feel you might be sick. For a moment you feel you are going to faint and Stefan places his hand in the small of your back.

" _ _Breathe," he whispers. He knows she needs to be here, he knows that whatever happens in this room will be with her for the rest of her life. He is not allowed to stay but he too has seen the instruments, seen any colour drain out of her face.__

 _ _He will look for her later and try to stop her from losing her mind.__

You nod and stand up straight. You watch as he leaves the room then turn back to James. You place your hand over his. If you could trade places you would.

You look down at him, he tightens his grip on your hand.

"Don't leave me," he tries to say.

" _ _I won't." Her eyes don't leave his. He can feel her trembling, he can see how wide her eyes are and he swallows. It is all he can do not to beg her to get him out of here, not to beg for anyone to get him out of here. He has never been so utterly frightened in his life and he has known fear so many times in the last few years.__

You are so focused on James that when the door opens it makes you jump.

Doctor Lehmann comes in with another man.

This man is older but still well built with muscular arms. There is a lot of strength there, but the look in his eyes is of a man being hunted. He is grey and you can see he does not want to be here. He is dressed in trousers and shirt with a simple operating green apron over them, the sleeves rolled up. He has a heavy plastic apron over it. The type doctors wear in the field to try and keep their clothes protected when working in battlefield conditions.

Lehmann is dressed in normal operating greens.

The other nurse comes over with a tray of smaller instruments laid out with but you can see no recognisable anaesthetic. The new doctor is being shown the tools laid out, and Lehmann is talking quietly to him. You cannot hear what is being said. The new doctor is nodding but he looks sick.

You find your voice and address the nurse. "What will we be using for anaesthetic?" you ask.

She looks at you and straight away you know she doesn't like you, that she has been warned about you and your bleeding heart. She indicates a syringe lying on the table.

"But that's not..." you have never seen an anaesthetic that can be given as a simple injection.

"That is what we are using. Administer it. We're nearly ready," she says and smiles. It is a cold smile. You realise you have played into their hands. They want you to be the one to inject him with it; you will be the one he sees helping them.

You pick up the syringe. It contains a yellow liquid you have never seen before. Your hand trembles and you swab his arm. He is looking at you the entire time, eyes wide. You can't do it, you can't inject it.

Swallowing you put it back down on the tray and you hear the other nurse tut.

"I'm sorry," you say to him, and the other nurse pushes you out of the way and plunges the needle straight into his arm. He flinches and his body tenses and tries to rear at the sudden pain, but the straps hold.

Suddenly you can't look at him. You don't want him to see the fear in your eyes. No, you are being a coward - you do not want to see the fear in his eyes.

The nurse sneers at you, and you are told you can either leave or stay and act like a nurse. You swallow, nod. You won't leave him. Doctor Lehmann goes over to one of the guards and speaks quietly to him, pointing you out. The guard nods and comes closer to you, rifle held securely in his hands. It is obliviously a threat.

They are ready to operate.

Doctor Lehmann approaches the table whilst the other man hovers at his shoulder. Lehmann doesn't even bother with any pleasantries. He can see in the patient's eyes that he knows this is the end.

"Well, Sergeant Barnes, you have given us a run for our money! But it is time for you to realise you are meant for greater things."

It is such a long time since James has heard his rank and surname spoken and now in two days he has heard it several times. He watches as Lehmann picks up a scalpel.

All you can think is that they can't operate. The patient is still conscious. The anaesthetic isn't working.

You turn to the nurse. "He still awake, the anaesthetic hasn't worked."

But she just gives you one of her smiles. "That wasn't an anaesthetic."

You are told to stand at the head of the table. The other nurse is to help the new doctor by passing the various tools to him. You are horrified. They are going to operate whilst he is awake.

You can see the utter panic in James' face and you try to put a hand on his shoulder, but Doctor Lehmann stops you and indicates you are to step back. You don't move, just shake your head. He then turns to the guard by you and nods. The guard raises his rifle, steps forward and uses the barrel to move you back a few steps.

He has been told that if you try to interfere in any way with the operation he is to kill you.

"Do you want Sergeant Barnes to see you shot?" Lehmann asks and James tries to look in your direction. He is trying to say no.

"Please don't...you can't do this! It's inhuman, you can't..." you say, and the rifle barrel is raised until you are firmly in his line of fire. You want to leave the room, or for them to shoot you. You want to be as far away from here as possible.

You hear James trying to say something. He is looking at you, begging you with his eyes not to leave him. That is what they want but you will not.

You are here to bear witness. And one day, if you ever get the chance, you will hurt everyone in this room for what they are doing to him.

You reluctantly stumble back.

 _ _Doctor Lehmann looks back at James. He is holding a scalpel. He studies and feels the skin on James shoulder. He then draws the scalpel down James left shoulder and around to under the armpit cutting him and blood oozes out.__

 _ _James feels every inch of the cut and his eyes widen. He tries to speak, but he can't.__

 _ _The doctor leans over and starts to talk again. He just wanted to check that Barnes could feel the cut of the knife.__

 _ _In near perfect English he speaks to James. "Sergeant Barnes, I know you can hear me and I know you can feel everything we are about to do to you, but it is important for us to do this. What is left of this arm is of no use to you or us. Even though what is left behind is healthy and has healed...we will remove it and anything thing else we feel we need to. " As he speaks to Barnes he runs his finger down James left arm from the top to the stub at the end. Then Lehmann leans in really close and whispers something only James can hear. "Did you think it was just a nightmare, Sergeant Barnes? I am going to cut you up bit by bit, limb by limb. You can never escape us."__

You cannot hear what is being said but you can see James Barnes desperately trying to answer Lehmann. His whole body is trying to move, but you can see he has no control over it. He tries to shake his head __no__.

"Doctor Lehmann, please don't do this," you plead.

The doctor turns a cold look on you. "Do you want to leave the room nurse?" The guards takes a step forward. Lehmann continues. "It is your choice, you can leave him with us and walk away."

You don't say anything for a moment, then quietly you look away. He turns back to the patient. You can see James is still trying so hard to move, sweat has broken out on his brow and Lehmann indicates you are to wipe it away. You come forward, picking up a cloth, and wipe his forehead. You touch his right shoulder so he knows you are there.

James looks at you with a pleading in his eyes. __Don't leave me.__ This time you do not break eye contact with him and you tighten your grip to let him know you won't. By this time you realise he cannot move his body at all, cannot even move his head, cannot talk...but his senses are heightened. The drug has immobilised him but set his nerve endings on fire.

Doctor Lehmann gently moves James' head so he is looking to his left. He wants him to see everything and he knows James will be unable to look away, will not be able to even close his eyes to shut out the horror. They need to break his mind and they are so very close.

Doctor Lehmann steps away and nods at the other man, who walks around to the left side of the table. He is ashen but you see him grit his teeth.

"I will leave him in your capable hands." Lehmann says, then moves away to somewhere he can watch but not get splattered by the blood and gore he knows is to follow.

The new doctor takes up a small instrument and starts to unpick the skin at the end of the stump of James' left arm. It's sharp point sinks in to the tissue and it soon begins to bleed, then the skin begins to split. James is trying to say something, and it is the most heart-wrenching sound. His whole body tenses, his eyes still so wide, so pleading, but you cannot look away.

You need to witness this.

You need to see it to let the hate build up inside of you.

A gurgled __no!__ comes from him followed by another word which at first you do not realise is the word __don't!__ You move so you can hold his right hand. You don't care. They will not throw you out. You know now they need you. The doctor operating hesitates and instead you turn your gaze on him and he looks at you and you see the decision in his eyes to ignore you. He returns to his work.

This doctor is heavy handed, some are, and you wish a better doctor could have been found. He is supposed to be an expert in his field. He doesn't even seem to know what he is doing. You have seen operations before in the field hospitals where you worked. Men coming in with limbs missing and the doctors fighting to save what is left; but this is different, this time there is no life-threatening wound and they are not trying to save it. The patients are not kept awake so they can feel everything happening to them but are unable to move their body or scream their anguish.

This is torture under the guise of medicine.

 _ _James' eyes are focused on his left side. He can feel every dig of the tool, every time something is cut and torn away. The pain is bad and he cannot even scream; he is locked inside himself. He tries to move but his body is not under his control. But, what is worse, is the thought of what they were doing to him, they were taking another piece of him away. There was nothing wrong with the arm, they could leave it, there is no reason for him to go through this.__

 _ _In his mind he begs them not to do this over and over again.__

 _ _Please don't take it, don't do this to me.__

 _ _And then there is what Lehmann said to him. How does he know about the nightmare? Is he going to take away his other arm, his legs? The thought of that is too horrific for James' mind to cope with.__

The doctor has unpicked the whole end, and now moves to the top of the arm. He will not look at the patient. He draws a circle around the whole arm using the scalpel and slowly starts to peels away the skin. Then, taking hold of the slippery skin, he tugs and draws it right down to the end of the stump and pulls it away. It is like a long sleeve when it comes off and the noise of it being torn away from the flesh underneath is sickening.

He drops it on the floor. Immediately blood wells up on what is left of the arm, and you can see the muscle and tissue drowning in it. You gulp, bile rises in your throat. You try to move forward so you can turn James head away so he can't see, but the guard actually comes up and prods you away with his rifle. They want him to see. They want him to watch as they dismember him.

"Nurse," Lehmann's voice is amused.

The doctor goes back to the incision Lehmann has made on the shoulder. He catches the flap of skin and draws it down and away, laying open that part of the shoulder. Lehmann had drawn the mark so the man would know where to skin the patient up to. He drops that flesh, too. James had tightened his grip on your hand and now his fingers are close to breaking yours. You can see in his terrified, pain-filled eyes what he is seeing and feeling.

Then the doctor reaches for the flesh stripper, and attaches it to the high part of the arm, just under the edge where the first lot of skin has been taken off. You know James can feel the bite of the metal. For a moment you feel like you are going to faint again but instead you clench your teeth and hold his hand tighter with both of yours. He doesn't even know you are holding it. His horrified eyes cannot leave the strippers and what is happening to him. His mind is screaming. He has wet himself in fear and pain.

The doctor secures the stripper and the metal teeth dig deep into the flesh and sinew. Taking a deep breath he leans on James' shoulder with one hand and with the other pulls downwards to the end of the stump and away comes the flesh, muscle and sinew of James arm in strips.

The pain is excruciating. The drug they have given him refuses to allow him to fall unconscious. He is to witness every part of his arm being torn away from the bone and he feels it all. The man turns the stripper, clamps down again and repeats the process on the delicate flesh of the under arm, literally dragging it off the bone. New blood stains and gore are added to the walls, floor and history of this room.

It is at this moment James Barnes finally loses his fight for his mind. No one could survive this. No one.

His mind fractures, breaks apart.

What was his arm is by now a bloody stump of bone and he can see the raw bone and marrow running through it. Smaller strips of flesh are hanging from just under the shoulder. Blood and gore splatter the trolley and sheets and drips to the floor. The doctors apron is covered with it. He is sweating heavily and as his sweat drips onto the bone, the saltiness of it causes even more pain.

The other nurse has actually turned and fled to the corner where she is throwing up.

James' hand was holding yours so tightly you have lost the feeling in it but, now the grip loosens and you see his eyes darken. You let go of his hand and quickly move to the other side. You are on automatic pilot. You need to stop him from bleeding to death. You will wish later that you had not been so quick. You wrap a binding around the top of the arm by the shoulder where there is still flesh.

The doctor now reaches for the bone saw and you realise he hasn't finished. Surely if the job was to remove the arm it could have all been done at the same time, flesh and bone sawn off. You cannot believe what they are doing. It's as if he is getting meat ready for the market.

He looks at you, and then at the patient's arm...or what is left of it.

"Hold the bone," he says and you have no choice. You need to get this over and done with as quickly as possible. You know the moment James feels your hands touching the raw bone, your hands slip in the blood and you need to focus. His breathing is ragged, barely audible, but you know he will not be lucky enough to die.

"Higher!" the doctor orders. He impatiently takes your hand and moves it nearer to the shoulder.

You nearly lose control when the noise starts and you smell the burning bone. The noise as the blade starts its work is unbearable, and suddenly the tenseness you felt in the body of the man on the table, disappears.

You swallow.

His mind has gone, and you know you have lost him.

Sergeant James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes of the 107th, one of the Howling Commandos, born in Brooklyn New York, best friend of Steven Rogers, has finally cracked, he has lost this battle for his mind, his identity.

His body cannot die, but his spirit can, and he lets go.

You watch as the light in his eyes goes out.

James Barnes is dead.

"No," you whisper. You have begun to cry and sobs wrack your body as you hold the bone down. Bone dust and blood splatters your face and you cannot breathe but the doctor carries on, his own face grim.

He is no longer working on a patient. He is working on a living body waiting for a new identity to be born.

The bone comes away with an horrendous crack. He hasn't even been able to do a clean job on this part; the end of the bone is uneven, splintered, and the doctor backs off, putting the saw down.

 _ _The dust begins to settle. The job is finished, for now. Lehmann knows they cannot do any more until they begin to measure up for the new arm.__

 _ _The man looks at the work he has done. As they requested he has left five inches of fresh uncovered bone for them. He does not know why but Lehmann does. It is bone that they can use to fuse the new arm onto. It should be enough.__

The doctor stands there as though in shock, whilst you race to stop the bleeding. "For Gods' sake Doctor, don't just stand there, help me," you say trying to pull him forward.

Instead he backs away, gulping, and you stare at him - confused. Then you hear the words he is saying to you. "I'm not a doctor…I'm not a doctor..."

You turn and look at the amused face of Doctor Lehmann and he looks victorious.

"I never said he was a doctor," he says to you coming forward and looking into the empty, black holes of the patient's eyes.

There is nothing there, no fear, no pain, nothing.

He calmly starts to pick up the tools he needs to finish the job.

You look back at the other man who is ashen. He looks at you as if begging you to understand. "I'm a butcher, I work in the slaughterhouse." The shock on your face makes him babble. "They have my family, they said they would kill them if I didn't do what I was told..."

"Nurse, are you going to help clear up this mess?" Doctor Lehmann calmly asks you and you turn back to focus on James. No - not James. Just his body. He is breathing. The eyes are half closed but no-one is there. James Barnes has gone.

You look to see where the other nurse is but the room is empty of her presence, she has fled. You turn to one of the guards instead. "Get Stefan," you say, he looks at Doctor Lehmann who is watching you and you stare back. He turns and nods to the guard, he allows you this call, he knows it is a good one.

He then turns to the other guard and mimes for him to remove the butcher. You hear him as he leaves the room "...they have my family, what was I supposed to do..."

Less than a minute later you hear the shot that puts him out of his misery.

The operation should have been done on an unconscious patient but they wanted James to feel every cut, every part of the operation, to see the flesh literally scraped from the bone and their hope was that his mind would break.

It did.

You now realise what Lehmann meant by killing two birds with one stone, and why Zola didn't want to be here when it was done.

 _ _Lehmann is pleased. The operation was successful on both counts and with an added bonus. When he looked into the eyes of Freya Bowman after the operation he realised he hadn't just broken Sergeant Barnes, he had broken her as well.__

 _ _A good days work all around.__

 **...**

Stefan is with you for the rest of the long day. Your mind goes from being blank to the loss of James, the loss of everything that means anything to you. You keep weeping without even knowing you are, silent tears running down your cheeks.

You are in the room they have put James – no, not James...the __patient__ in. It has been set up as a medical room and is clean and well equipped. Why didn't you see them preparing it? You will learn later it was set up whilst you were in the operating room with James so as not to give you or the patient any indication that he would be coming out so damaged.

The patient is in a chemically induced coma, hooked up to machines to read his brain patterns, to read his vital signs. Lehmann left a while ago and you have been sitting by the patient's side. His skin is so pale, so translucent, you can see a pulse beating in his neck.

The body is alive but the mind is empty.

They are not sure how he will be when he finally wakes; that will be a controlled awakening. They will give the serum time to repair some of the damage on the shoulder. They have plans for the arm.

The arm. You don't want to look at what they did.

His shoulder is swaddled in bandages; slight spatters of blood show through. Protruding from the swaddling is the bone, naked, still bruised, bloodied, with a cage over it to prevent it from catching on the bed clothes should he wake on his own; that should be an impossibility but you never know. Bone isn't supposed to be left naked, to be left with nothing to shelter it but it has been.

Kristo comes into the room. He has come to take over the night shift from you and Stefan. Both of you are exhausted, hollow. It takes a while for Stefan to persuade you to leave the room but you know nothing will happen tonight. The patient is out too deeply but even so you make Kristo promise that if anything happens he will call you.

Stefan won't leave your side. He knows you are in shock. He knows you need him and he needs you, the horror that met his eyes when he returned to Room 2 will never leave him.

Both of you still have James' blood on your bodies and clothes. He has asked Kristo to place clean clothes in the shower room and that is where he takes you now. You don't care, you will walk wherever anyone says you are to walk.

He puts a chair under the door and then strips both of you down completely naked. He stands under the shower with you and makes you wash, bullies you to shampoo your hair. The water runs red, then pink for a long time. When he is sure you are both clean he leads you out, towels you dry and makes you get dressed.

He doesn't even think of going back to the room he shares with Kristo. Instead he leads you to your room.

He puts on a small lamp and then gets you into the single bed, then climbs in besides you. He takes you in his arms, kisses your forehead, places your head on his shoulder and he holds you.

The horror you have both seen today has made you into innocent children again, and you both weep for the lost American soldier, for your own lost lives and for a world that is no longer there for either of you.

You don't even want to think about tomorrow.


	20. Chapter 20 - The First Metal Arm

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Twenty: The Nurse & The Patient - The First Metal Arm****

They woke the patient up from the medically-induced coma 48 hours after the operation.

Nothing.

You have watched him since he woke and seen __nothing__ of James's personality, of his mind, of any part of him. The patient is like an automaton. He will do what you say. He will eat what you offer him, dress with your help but he reminds you of what one of the doctors used to say when looking at traumatised soldiers who had lost their minds, 'the light is on but there is nobody home.'

James Barnes has gone. He is dead. And you are left looking after an empty shell.

What makes it so gut-wrenching is that he looks so like James, he smells like him; he __is__ James but there is so much missing. There is no soul - nothing, but when you brush the hair out of his eyes you still see his blue eyes, see him looking at you because he now recognises that you are the one looking after him, seems to know you are there to care for him.

It is soul-destroying.

When he was first awoken his eyes were dead and he just lay there not moving. Each day you would get him up with Stefan's help, feed him, wash and clothe him. Because of the bare bone hanging from his left shoulder you could not use the shower so everything had to be done slowly, carefully.

After a few days he began to respond to you. He knew what was expected of him by rote. When you sat him at the table and put food in front of him he knew to eat, when you gave him a cup he knew to drink. When you lead him to the toilet he knew to urinate. When he goes to touch his left arm you tell him no and he obeys. When he is in pain he comes to you. But he never speaks.

They have reorganised things. Given you a new wardrobe for him. Black trousers, similar to what the guards wear, black tee shirts and polo necks, the left arm sleeve removed. His room has been altered to accommodate him. It is more comfortable. The door is kept locked at night and there is a slot in it so the guards can check on him if they need to. Lehmann is getting together equipment for a gym so that you can start an exercise programme for him.

They seem to know where he is going, even if you do not.

You have also found out what one of the new teams have been working so hard on, a cybernetic arm.

After two weeks, the daily routine begins to change. They expect him in the operating room. The flesh remaining on the left arm and shoulder is repairing at such rate that they cannot delay what they need to do any longer. They need to stop it, to do what is needed, and so they start to work on the rebuilding of his arm. The days they are to use anaesthetic you have to be careful with his feeding regime, days they don't you can catch up. He never refuses to go with you. He does everything you tell him to, never utters a word, but his eyes always follow you. He watches what you do, as if learning from you. He looks for you. If left to his own devices, it is you he always ends up next to.

And you?

You are kind to him, talk gently, never hurry him, and you do everything Doctor Lehmann tells you to do. You never think beyond the next 24 hours. You take one day at a time, always looking for signs of James but never seeing any.

Each day you and Stefan take him to the operating room and each day the new team and the doctors work on his arm. When they do not anaesthetise him they do use a numbing agent because they do not need to hurt him anymore; they have been there, done that.

When they are not working on their project they keep the arm in a cage-like covering to keep the bone clean and protected from harm. It makes it awkward for him to eat or sleep properly and there has to be someone with him 24 hours a day for the first few days until the new arm is in place.

Finally they are ready to take it a step further. They are to start fitting the electronics.

Because you and Stefan are now aware of the details of the project you are both recruited to assist where needed. You want to not just so the patient won't be alone, but so that you can learn more about what they are doing to him. The more you know the better it will be for you and for him, because who knows if James is in there somewhere buried deep.

There is still a small bit of you that clings to that hope.

First they open up his shoulder, then add a tube of some type of metal you have never seen before. It is placed over the end of what is left of the bone and then driven straight up into the shoulder. That, they tell you, is the anchor point. They have to anaesthetise him for this and the future operations as the modifications will involve hours of painstaking surgery.

Next whilst the shoulder is open, they begin inserting the electronics into the bone and muscle. Each time they operate it is a learning experience for them all. Nothing like this has been done before. You can see the toll it takes on the surgeons doing the work, but you have no sympathy for them, none at all. A lot of the work is close up, requires much finesse, tying in human nerves to metal filaments and plastic fibres. It is technology well beyond anything you or your father's old magazines could ever have imagined.

Then they build and add to it. Small steps. You do not understand the glowing blue power source but you know it is going to be powerful. You watch as they carefully insert it, making sure that it will always be accessible; after all, they will need to know they can take it way from him should they choose to.

Or if they have to take him down.

There were arguments at the beginning. And because you had finally been let into the secret of the new project you were there for them. You and Stefan had no say in the matter but you watched both sides carefully and realised there was a divide even here.

It was simple enough for you to understand: two arms have been created. The argument was which arm would they fit.

You see the plans, see the arms themselves. The main circuity of the arm will more or less contain the same electronics no matter which arm they go with, but the builds themselves are different. Both have potential. The new arms could almost be thought of as impressive if you didn't know the cost paid by the wearer.

The first arm, developed by the European team, consists of overlapping metal plates, similar to the shell of an anteater, that would protect the electronics inside. At the end of this arm is a single round plate consisting of a port which different instruments can be fitted into.

The second, developed by the Russian team, is made of metal circular discs like thick bracelets linked in a downward patter of chevrons, enabling the arm to be flexible. This outer covering would cover the electronics. The arm ends with a metal hand which is made of the same circular metal bracelets, allowing the hand to bend and move as a normal hand would.

It is the first one that wins favour. That is the one they decide to go with.

Once all the electronics are fitted, the patient is ready for the complete arm to be fitted. They take the necessary steps and then it is done. So far the arm ends in just the port, with no implements fitted. Not yet.

You realise from the first day that the arm is complete that the patient does not feel comfortable with it. He does not like it at all, and by the third day his reactions to it are beginning to disturb you.

He won't use it and the doctors do not know why.

He ignores it completely.

At their request you ask him why, but he does not answer you. He will not even look at you. You ask him to flex the arm, nothing. A doctor reaches out and holds the arm up. There is power there, but as soon as he lets it go the patient allows it to drop back to his side.

When they try to fit the implements, he deliberately makes it difficult for them. This is the first time he has ever refused to do anything asked of him. He sits there ignoring them, drawing away from them when they try to touch him. You have noticed he also tries to lean away from his left side, as if he doesn't want to have anything to do with the new arm.

You are still his nurse outside of the work they are doing on his arm; his care is still in your hands. Your duties are light now - no sedation is used - and the patient is able to do a lot more for himself. Stefan assists at times but they are starting to use him more and more in the procedures. You are glad, for it adds one person to the team who is actually considering the human behind all of this. Kristo is to return to his previous duties once the arm is in place and you know he is happy to. He will stay in touch but he is increasingly finding the work difficult, uncomfortable.

You try to have lightweight conversations with the patient, but he stares at you blankly and has no opinion one way or the other. You tell him to jump and he will jump without asking what the jump is for.

Well, unless your requests have something to do with the arm - then he will simply ignore you.

The work they are doing makes his left shoulder extremely sore and you have to make sure that any open work is always covered when they are not working on it. You are also walking him about as much as you can to keep his other muscles working. You take him on long walks up and down the corridors. He walks with you, never looking to the side, never talking, just following you.

You talk as you go along the corridors.

He never replies, but you know he understands you.

 **...**

Another long day is at an end. You notice tonight that he is leaning again towards his right, away from his left. You have helped him wash and dress ready to turn in for the night. You get him back to his room and he gets into bed. You sit on the bed next to him and ask him about the arm. You are not really expecting a reply and you wonder if you need to discuss it with someone. Maybe Doctor Jakobs? Certainly not Lehmann.

"Are you in pain?" you ask him quietly.

No reply, but he does turn to look at you. Those empty eyes seem to be searching yours.

You touch the metal of his left arm. "Is this hurting you? I can give you some pain medication?"

No reply, but he looks down and picks at a loose thread in the blanket...so like James, in so many ways.

You have to be so careful. Lehmann has the guards and doctors watching you. His power has grown and any day now he will be taking over all responsibility for this project from Zola.

Doctor Nikolay Lehmann is to be the Winter Soldiers first handler.

"Can you tell me whats wrong?" you ask.

The patient hasn't spoken since they took his arm. Since you lost James. He is no longer James you can see that just by looking into this stranger's eyes, but you still care about him, still do not want to leave his side. You will not leave him on his own. You move his hair and tuck it behind his ear. You really need to cut it again, you are worried if it grows much longer it may get caught up in the metalwork.

There is no reply. Nothing.

You make to get up but he stops you and your heart misses a beat. He has said something but so quietly you didn't hear it.

You move closer and this time you tilt his head towards you. He won't look at you but he does say it again. "Take this away."

"Take what away?" and then it dawns upon you. He is talking about the arm. "Oh God." You close your eyes for a moment.

"I don't want this." His voice still quiet and almost childlike.

Before you can reply, the door opens and you jump as if you have been caught doing something you shouldn't.

It is Doctor Lehmann, and he frowns at you. "Still here Nurse?" he asks because he sees guilt written over your face.

The patient looks away from you, blanks Lehmann.

You stand up. "I was just seeing if he needs any pain medication," you stutter but Lehmann thinks the worst of you, he always does.

"Is that what you call it?"

You realise what he is intimating and you feel yourself blush. He thinks you were trying to get cosy with your patient. You ignore his slur.

"I think its best if I stay with him tonight, I don't think he is..."

Lehmann laughs at what he thinks is your pure audacity. "Yes I imagine you do."

You step up to him, angry now at what he is insinuating. "There is something wrong with him. He's uncomfortable, I feel..." but he interrupts you.

"Women's intuition? Isn't that what you girls call it? Well, I think our patient is doing well and doesn't need a __wet nurse__ ," you can see he thinks his choice of words is humorous.

"If not me, then let Stefan stay. I honestly think there is a problem with..." again he doesn't let you finish. He merely dismisses you, says you are not needed until tomorrow.

You try to catch your patient's eye but he is ignoring both of you. You go to argue but Lehmann has had enough. "Out!" he shouts, making both you and the patient jump with the loudness and anger contained in his voice. Lehmann has never shouted at you before. You have no choice but to leave.

"At least ask the guards to check on him regularly during the night," are your last words and then you are gone.

 _ _Doctor Lehmann looks at the patient. "Theres no problem is there?"__

 _ _The patient doesn't answer. He didn't expect him to.__

" _ _Then go to sleep, theres a good fellow," he says tapping the bed, and then without further worry he leaves.__

 _ _A small light is always left on in the room. Lehmann does not feel a guard is needed in the room itself. The door is locked once he has left and the patient is settled down for the night. There will be a guard that__ __will remain in the corridor outside and he is told to check on the patient every couple of hours unless he hears anything.__

 _ _There has been nothing to date and they are becoming complacent.__

 _ _Lehmann has every faith now that all the problems concerning their patient have been sorted. Once the new arm is fully in place then they will begin testing the freezing process, and finally the programming. The only difficulty is the docile nature of the patient but he is sure they can address this in the programming somehow. Zola is asking a Doctor Fennhoff to consult.__

 _ _After all, they know they have the raw material of a killer in their hands. They just have to find a way to release it.__

 _ _Everything is going along smoothly.__

 **...**

 _ _The patient lies in bed. He knows enough to know they will check on him so he pretends to go to sleep. He tries to keep himself away from the terrible thing on his left hand side. Its not part of him. He doesn't want it. He was going to tell the nurse but then the doctor came in. He feels he can trust her, she will help him, but he knows he cannot trust the man; he has terrible nightmares about him.__

 _ _He doesn't know who is he, where he is, or what is happening. He does what they tell him to do. His head sometimes hurts so badly that he could weep. He doesn't tell them though because he feels like something is trying to break through and is frightened as to what they will do if they found out.__

 _ _The only comfort he has is the voice that talks to him, tells him to obey them, tells him when not to obey them, looks after him.__

 _ _For a time he does actually fall asleep but then a noise wakes him and he is alone with his thoughts and the monstrosity they are attaching to him.__

" _ _I don't want it," he whispers.__

" _ _So take it off," the voice whispers back.__

 _ _It is is the voice he has been hearing. It never says a great deal, but it is there cajoling him, telling him things about the nurse he doesn't want to think about. Telling him awful things about what is going to happen to him.__

 _ _They do not know that they are dealing with a split personality. How could they? To date, they have only met the first personality. The meek one. The one that does what he is told, the one they can hurt, the one they can control.__

 _ _The second personality is cunning. He hides but he is planning more. He doesn't want this arm; he wants the second arm, the one with the hand. It is stronger and will be easier to handle, he wants to be able to grip things, wants to watch whilst the hand crushes anything he wants it to and so he works on his counter part, the weaker personality.__

" _ _Take it off," he repeats.__

 **...**

You are in the main room, slamming things about. Too uptight to sleep. Furious. Lehmann has forbidden you to be with the patient. You have tried to tell him that he shouldn't be left alone but you are just a nurse and they are doctors, they know better than you. The argument you would have liked to have had with Lehmann goes around and around in your mind making you more angry, making your jaw ache where you are so tense.

The guards would not even allow you to check up on him; Lehmann's orders. He is decidedly unhappy with you, and it is his word that counts. Doctor Jakobs cannot over rule him. You are beginning to realise the other doctors are more than afraid of Lehmann than you first believed.

You think about what the patient said to you and your heart skips a beat. It is the way he said it, the way he has been leaning away from his left side...

You hear a commotion in the corridor and that sick feeling of premonition closes in on you. You open the door and follow the soldiers rushing by. You hear one of the doctors.

"Get that bloody nurse now!"

A soldier comes out of the patient's room and almost collides with you in his haste. He recognises you and grabs your arm.

"What is it? Whats wrong?" you ask. You don't know if you want to see. Instead of answering, his face ashen, he hurries you into the patient's room and you stop still.

The walls to your right are smeared with blood. There are bloody hand-prints on them. There is blood over the sheets and the floor. A metal chair lays dismembered in one corner but you do not realise that parts of it is missing. Lumps of bloody metal litter the floor.

Then you see him.

Your patient is crouched in the corner murmuring something. His right hand is covered in blood but it is the left arm that concerns you the most, the new one, the metal one. More than half of it is missing, torn away, exposed wires, exposed bone and nerve endings.

One of the European doctors from the new team is stood six feet away and he turns to you.

"Look what he's done, look whats he has bloody well done! Look at the arm, do you now how much that cost, how long it took... "

Your look stops him in his tracks.

No-one has approached the patient. No-one knows what he is saying, except you.

" _ _I don't want this."__

You walk forward but the patient takes no notice as you crouch down next to him. You can see the damage. Why didn't they listen to you? Why didn't they let you stay with him? The __bloody__ fools.

Extending from the shoulder blade by about 3 inches is what looks like a metal blade, fashioned from part of the chair frame. Somehow the patient has managed to drive it into the very heart of his shoulder and punctured the metal, then forced it away. Bone and muscle are showing through. Why the hell didn't the guards hear anything? Although there is a lot of blood there is not enough to worry you about him bleeding out, you can't see any torn veins, there is no apparent danger there.

You kneel forward and gently touch his face.

He turns towards you. His eyes wide. At first you don't think he will even recognise you, but he does.

The murmuring stops. His right hand continues to tug at one of the metal plates embedded in his shoulder. He has pulled away most of them, blood runs in rivulets down his chest and onto his pants. You can see he has removed plates and wiring from all over the arm.

Those are the bits of bloody metal scattered around the room.

"Please, take this off, please take it away." he says quietly, still tugging at it.

You want to cry.

He is lost. He is in a nightmare, and doesn't know how to escape from it, and you can only listen.

You turn to the doctor. He is fussing about the metal on the floor.

You look at one of the guards. "Get him of here and get a doctor who knows what he's doing," you snap just as Marinov comes in. He nods to the guard when he hears what you have said, and that breaks the spell the guards seem to be under. They hustle the doctor out, ignoring his protests.

"God almighty, what happened?" Marinov comes to crouch next to you, making the patient draw back.

You are so angry. "I told them, I bloody well told them to watch him, I told Lehmann, I..." and you bow your head. What good is your anger at this point? What good is being right? It does not help the situation at all, and you wish you hadn't been right. Why couldn't you have been wrong?

Marinov does not say anything, but he does place a hand on your shoulder and squeezes it. Then he gets up. You take no more notice of him. Your sole responsibility is your patient, this broken man.

You take his right hand. The fingers are bloody and torn. He has lost three nails and you think one of the fingers is broken. You need to get him to the bed to assess the damage to the rest of him but at the moment there is no way you can move him alone.

"I don't want this," he repeats looking at you and you feel your anger inside surge up as you see those beautiful haunted eyes.

Another doctor has appeared. You hear him behind you, and you turn to see Doctor Jakobs. He is already working out what needs to be done, what equipment he needs to fetch.

"We need to get you onto the bed so we can see what has happened," you say gently putting your hand under the patient's right arm to move him, but he rocks back against the wall.

He starts tugging again at the plates left on the shoulder. Horrified, you hear one of the plates give and it tumbles to the floor. Another red patch of bare muscle and naked bone shows through. He has torn through right to the very heart of the arm.

"No, don't." You try and take his hand back but he pushes you away. He is focused on removing as much of it as he can and he is murmuring again. "I need to take it off. I don't want it, he told me, its not me, its not mine."

"We can't let him do any more damage. He is dangerously near to the power source." Doctor Jakobs says to you.

 _ _It is a shame he chose that moment to speak to her because it means she did not hear what the patient said. She did not hear him say 'he told me'.__

You know you are going to have to resort to sedation and you glance at Jakobs you can see he knows it to. "Can you get help to move him?" you ask him and he beckons Marinov over asking him to fetch Stefan and Kristo.

"Please don't pull any more of it. You're bleeding badly." You try to take his hand but he just swats yours away. You can see that the arm is dead. He has destroyed it, and it no longer functions. As he pulls at it you hear metal scrape against metal.

Marinov comes back in with both Stefan and Kristo. Jakobs has a hypo filled and ready. You try talking to the patient again, but it is difficult when you have no name you can use, nothing to get his attention.

"Please, let us help you." You touch his face again and there are tears running through the smudges of blood, you push back his hair so he can see you. You are trying to make eye contact. You are not sure but you think he must have used his teeth to bite parts of it as there is blood on his teeth and lips, one lip has split. Oh God, how long has he been doing this? It must of been for hours. You thought at least Lehmann would have had the guards checking him regularly. Once again you cannot believe the guards in the corridor didn't hear anything.

"Can you keep him occupied?" Jakobs asks quietly and you nod without looking away. You are still trying to engage him, to make him look at you. He does and although he no longer murmurs you can see he is still talking under his breath; repeating the same phrase over and over.

Stefan kneels down on your right side so you both have him between you. Jakobs moves to your left. The patient looks at him and you see realisation dawn. He doesn't want to be sedated, he just wants this monstrous __thing__ off him. As he turns to you he is saying the word "no" over and over again but Stefan leans forward and so do you, trapping him against the wall.

You think for a moment he is going to push you both away, you know he is strong enough to but then he seems to see the hopelessness of his situation; he is so tired and he leans back against the wall. You think it is finished but then he starts to bang his head against the wall, hard. You try and stop him. You know he can cause serious damage if he realises his own strength.

The hypo is quick acting and is starting to work already. His eyes start to close and he is unbalanced, unable to make his body respond. You have him trapped. If he was a dog you would put him down. He begins murmuring again, very quietly, very softly.

"What is he saying?" Jakobs asks you.

You look at him. "I don't want this. Take it off, please take it off."

Kristo has left the room to get supplies of bandages, gauze, antiseptic. Marinov has also left the room; he knows he has to advise Director Lehmann as to what has happened. It is not something he can put off any longer.

Stefan and Jakobs help you to lift the patient. He is no trouble and you move him to the bed, sitting him there whilst you rearrange the pillows. Stefan is finding it difficult to hold him on his side as what is left of the metal arm is detaching and the blood and liquid within the arm is leaking and making the metal slick.

Stefan catches your eye. "How are we going to do this? "

"Onto his side," you say.

Gently you lower the patient down onto his right side and then gather up the pillows and put them around both sides to keep him there. You straighten up. The patient is now quiet, very quiet and you feel your hatred for the doctors and scientists who have done this to him well up inside you. Stefan reaches out and touches your arm, he has come to know you well. He gives a small shake of his head to warn you to keep the anger bottled up, you cannot vent it here. It makes you laugh inside, when can you vent it, it is never the right time.

Doctor Jakobs comes up to start assessing the damage to not just the arm but the patient as well. Although there is a lot of blood no main arteries have been compromised, but there is a lot of work to be done.

"I need to see what needs doing, and then we'll move him down to the operating room. We need to get that power source out and away," he says to you and you nod your understanding.

You need to try and clean him up so you can see the extent of the damage. Kristo comes back with supplies and the four of you work to try and make sense of the mess and stop the bleeding. None of you speak unless necessary. Your combined total concentration is on the patient.

None of you even look up when the first doctor and two others edge their way into the room and begin to gingerly pick up the bloody pieces of metal. This time the first doctor knows enough not to say a word. It remains quiet until you hear Lehmann. Both Stefan and Kristo have moved away to get rid of the bloodied cloths you have been using.

"What the hell is going on? What the hell have you done?" are his first words and they are directed at you, but before you can reply Doctor Jakobs breaks in.

"The patient has rejected the arm. He has done everything he can to rip it off and we need to see to him first and then see where the blame lies." Jakobs is angry. Once again they have forgotten their patient is human. They were all so pleased patting themselves on the back they didn't look for the danger signs. Lehmann knows it is rare for Jakobs to get angry, to seek an argument, so he knows this has to be serious.

As they are arguing you have turned back to your patient. He is talking softly to himself, the sedative has now all but knocked him out. You watch as he gently reaches out his right hand and lays it on your arm. It stops you in your tracks and you stroke his hair away from his forehead and he murmurs something. You don't think you heard right, you couldn't of, you move your head closer to his lips and he repeats the words.

"Don't leave me, please don't leave me..." and he is looking at you, only you. "...don't leave me alone with them," and then his eyes close.

You feel your eyes well up. Out of everything he could possibly of chosen to say to you why choose those words? Does that mean that James is still in there somewhere, lost? Or is it just coincidence?

You know he can't hear you, but you still whisper back that you will never leave him.

Lehmann moves to look down at the patient and the damage he has done to the arm. He expects you to say something but you don't and he moves away again and watches whilst you and Stefan wheel the patient out to the operating room.

Then he and Jakobs follows. There is a long night ahead of them.

 **...**

 _ _It is quiet. He knows the guards are taking a break, the voice told him to wait until now, the voice is always right. He can start. He can get the arm off. He tried to tell the nurse but he can't wait any longer, he needs to get this away from him. His head is bad, but he is determined and bit by bit he tears the metal off. The shoulder is difficult but after looking around he comes up with a solution. As he works he grinds his teeth to compensate for the pain and after a while, he doesn't feel it at all. The pain in his head has gone for now. The voice is encouraging him telling him where to pull next, how to angle the metal into his shoulder.__

 _ _He heard them talk about how at the end of the arm he will be able to have different implements. He doesn't want a hook, or a knife or a gun, he just wants his hand back. From somewhere he sees a picture in his mind of an old man with a hook and it makes him shudder. He doesn't want to be like that, he just wants to be himself.__

 _ _He begins to tire. Nearly there, just a bit more work and it will have gone but suddenly he hears the slot open and swearing. Someone is trying to unlock the door and then it opens and the main light is put on. He hears a lot of shouting. He must hurry. They are coming to stop him.__

 _ _He is aware now of the pain in his right hand and when he looks at it the nurse is there holding it. She is speaking to him but her eyes, her eyes tell him she understands, she will help him.__

 _ _Others come in and then they are holding him tightly against the wall and one of the doctors is pushing a needle into his arm, all the while the nurse talks to him softly, she tells him it will be all right...but he knows it won't.__

 _ _But the voice breaks in and tells him what is more important is that she does not leave him alone. Somehow he knows she always promised him she never would.__

 _ _His last thought is he wants to know who he is. Why he is here? He wants to go home, but he doesn't even know where home is. Doesn't know how to get there any more. Did he ever?__


	21. Chapter 21 - The Abusers & The Abused

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. There is sexual abuse in this chapter.**

 ** **Chapter Twenty-One: The Nurse & The Patient - The Abusers & The Abused****

They have finally completed the last few pieces in the puzzle, and the new arm and hand are working.

They watch as the test results confirm their prognosis. Ever since they went with the second arm that incorporates a hand instead of implements, the patient seems to have become adjusted to the metal arm. But he is still quiet. He has rarely shown any emotion since that terrible night.

It has felt like a longer time to you despite being only six weeks in all. Since that night you are sure at times that something about your patient is...off. Just...not right. It's only a feeling, and of course you know what Lehmann thinks about your __feelings__.

Maybe he is right this time.

Maybe it is just tiredness and anxiety.

Since that night, the patient has seemed different somehow. It almost feels as if you are just seeing a façade that he wants you to see. He is quiet but will still do anything you ask of him. If they cause him pain, then he takes it. You had heard Lehmann describe him as a whipped puppy, and although you hated to agree with him, you understood what he had meant. Before, there had been a total innocence there, but now? Now, you are not so sure. Some of the time his eyes seem different, hooded, and a chill runs down your spine when you catch him watching you.

You berate yourself. You are looking for things. You are being stupid. You wonder if maybe it is because seeing him every day is screwing with your mind. You find yourself looking for characteristics of James, and because you are looking, instead you think you see glimpses of something else. You still haven't mentioned anything to Lehmann, but you have talked to Doctor Jakobs. He is learning to trust your feelings, but he has to admit to you that he himself has seen nothing.

Lehmann has been spending a lot of time with the team that will be responsible for "programming" the Winter Soldier. You have no idea what is meant by "programming," and nobody will tell you. A new Austrian doctor has joined the team. You only know his nationality and name. Doctor Johann Fennhoff. You were there when he was introduced to Lehmann and when he conducted an initial examination of the patient. He did not say a lot in front of you, but he seemed pleased, almost smug, about something. You just don't know what. At first you thought he was a pleasant man, one that maybe still had humanity in his thoughts, but as he continued to examine your patient you began to change your mind.

There is something unpleasant about Fennhoff. Something that usually means Hydra has tainted more than his soul.

You hear Lehmann explain that James Barnes was an expert marksman, that he was able to fight, was a trained soldier. All that seems to have gone. "But there is no drive in him, no anger, no life. We successfully broke his mind...but have we broken more than that?"

Fennhoff smiles and shakes his head. "The potential will always be there," he assures the director.

"So is there any other way of bringing back the killer instinct that was part of James Barnes?"

"I don't think you have anything to worry about. Everything we need is still there," Fennhoff says.

 _ _What is it he has seen in the patient to make him think that?__ you wonder.

 **...**

They have the patient in the Master Chair. You don't know all that it does, and you have been told it is nowhere near completion, but they sit him in it to acclimatise him to it all the same. It is how they will control him in the future. They have mentioned such things as mind wipes. How are those any different to programming? They have still not let you into all of their secrets. Lehmann still does not trust you, does not like you to be present all the time, and more often than not you are not invited along until later. Or, if you are there, you are pushed to the back of the room, out of the way. Defunct.

They are running tests on the new arm and getting him to flex the new fingers. He does what they ask. His languages skills are coming along well, and he can understand enough Russian for them to not always need you as a translator. However, today you are taking notes for them. Not that you understand a lot of them – they seem to be just figures and more figures.

One of the doctors asks you to pass him something, and just as you turn back from doing so you see the patient move. He comes up out of the chair so quickly, so unexpectedly, that no-one can stop him. The guards have gotten sloppy, and do not even have their rifles or batons raised. There is talk of bringing in new weapons, hypodermic guns similar to those used to knock out animals. After today they will be more than just a thought.

Within moments his metal hand is wrapped around your throat and he drives you backwards until he has you pinned against the wall. You hear the frightened yell of one of the doctors as the guards spring into action.

"Don't hurt him, for Christ's sake," the doctor yells. He knows that if they use the batons it could wreck the circuity inside the metal arm, there is not full protection around it yet. Months of planning and work would be lost again. It hasn't occurred to the doctor that you are in trouble. Your life is worthless to that of the patient...and the stability of his arm.

"See how much they care about you. I could do anything I like, and no-one will stop me. I could carry on squeezing until you drop dead at my feet," your patient says to you. His voice is quiet. This is just between you and him. He is looking at you; his eyes are deep, manic, evil, and cruel. You have never seen anything like it before, and you feel the metal band around your throat increase its grip.

You are sure he is going to kill you.

"I've wanted to talk to you for a long time," he murmurs, and smiles. It is a thin-lipped, cruel smile, one that you have never seen before, one that makes your heart stop.

You are stood up on tip-toe, trying to breathe, and your hands are scrabbling at his arm, trying to get a grip to get him to release you, but he doesn't want to. Instead he leans forward until your faces are inches apart. You can smell his breath and see the madness in his eyes.

"Please," you try to say but nothing comes out. He studies you. His other hand comes up and takes some of your hair in his hand; he leans even closer and, closing his eyes, he smells it. Then he opens his eyes. He moves even closer and you can feel the warmth of his breath on your skin.

"I remember you from the showers." His voice is deadly quiet, and the smile he gives you is the most frightening you have ever seen, tinged with his own madness. He wraps some of your hair around his finger. "So soft...so beautiful." He presses his body up against you and you can feel his erection. You can't reply, you have no voice and not just because of his hand around your throat. You don't think you have ever been so frightened.

"Tell me, did you like the taste of me in the shower room?" Again quiet. That thin-lipped smile will stay with you for a long time.

Your mind scrabbles for an answer. How does he know? How could he possibly know something so personal? Unless...

He leans even further into you as if he is going to kiss you, so close as if he is taking in the very essence of you. He looks into your eyes, at your mouth. His other hand comes up and he runs a finger over your lips.

"I remember your mouth," he says, his voice husky. Then he lets his fingers trail down your neck to your breast and into the v-neck of your uniform, "And the taste of your skin."

His hand cannot go any further without undoing the buttons, his fingers move to the first and second ones and he undoes them. He slips his hand in further and cups your breast inside the lace of your bra. His hand is warm and you can feel him stroke your nipple with his thumb.

He closes his eyes for a moment. He can feel the beating of your heart thudding in your chest.

"So warm and soft." He takes a deep breath.

He takes his hand out, still caressing your skin, and then steps back very slightly. He drops you but you are still forced up against the wall, his body blocking yours from falling all the way. His hand is still around your throat, his other one now on your shoulder. No one has seen what he did; his whole body was blocking sight of yours. You whimper, try to move his arm again, but it is impossible. He relaxes a small amount so that you can breathe easier. You are so terrified you feel as if you are going to pass out at any minute.

He raises his right hand and runs a finger down the side of your face, then takes up your plait and rubs the hair between his fingers to feel how soft the end of it is. He watches your eyes widen and it makes him grin. Not a normal grin, a death's mask grin. You feel sick. This is who has been watching you, the person you felt behind your discomfort. It is not James, though. You do not know who it is.

There are footsteps as Doctor Jakobs comes forward hesitantly.

"Please. Leave her alone. You're hurting her and I'm sure you don't mean to, come, sit down." His English is terrible. The patient turns his head slightly to look at him, and Jakob sees madness and cruelty in his eyes.

The patient looks back at you and slowly his grip lessens again and you start to cough. You are still so frightened that you can hear your heart hammering in your ears. You can still feel the heat coming from his body, feel his breath on your face. Then he lets go completely and turns around. You grab hold of the corner of the desk to keep upright, your hand going to your throat, then down quickly to refasten the buttons of your uniform before anyone sees.

 _ _The guards point their rifles at him, he looks at the doctors frightened faces. The patient raises his hands, grins and steps back to the chair and sits back down. He flexes his new hand. He loves this new arm; there is so much strength in it, so much power. He knows that when all of the outer rings and plates go on there will be a red star at the top of the arm in honour of the Russian development team. It is, in effect, branding him as theirs; but he does not see that, to him it gives him an identity, a reason for being.__

 _ _He is a killer, and he will kill.__

Everyone releases their breath. The guards move closer to the patient and Doctor Jakob holds you by the arm. Your throat is badly bruised and one of the other doctors, Taffeteer, has the sense to bring some water over. You try and drink but find it difficult to swallow.

All the while the patient gazes at the new hand, holding it up, flexing the fingers. He then seems to realise the tenseness he is still causing – no-one has moved, no one wants to get any closer – and he lowers his arm, glances at you, then closes his eyes. He seems to relax. A change comes over his face and he sits back and his eyes open.

There is silence.

Doctor Jacobs sits you down. Then he approaches the patient who looks at him curiously as if wondering what is going on...as if he is now waiting for someone to tell him what they want him to do.

Everyone speaks at once. They have forgotten the sudden danger in the room, but you haven't. You look at the patient. He is watching you, and smiles - but it is not the thin-lipped smile, it is the smile he has given you since James went. The gentle smile. There is no danger in it at all.

Jakob moves to stand in front of him. "Do you know where you are?" He asks softly.

The patient looks surprised. "The main room," he says.

"And do you know what just happened?"

The patient looks over Jakobs' shoulder at you, as if asking for clarification. He frowns when he sees that you appear upset.

"Do you?" Jakobs asks again, and the patient's eyes come back to him.

"We're testing my new arm?" he says, his tone making it sound more like he is asking a question or that he is expecting to be wrong.

"Are you aware you moved out of the chair?" Taffeteer asks, moving to stand beside Jakobs.

The patient frowns. "I'm not allowed out of the chair until you tell me I can move," he says, looking from one doctor to another. He doesn't seem to understand what is happening, what is being asked of him.

Jakobs moves and the patient looks over at you again and the appeal in his eyes is hard not to react to. Has he done something wrong? His eyes are wide, and you know that is panic you see in them. You get up and go over to him and Jakobs steps back further so you can crouch down next to him. Your heart is still hammering, but you know the danger has passed.

"Have I done something wrong?" he asks you leaning forward.

There is absolutely no danger in him and you take his hand. Your voice is hoarse when you speak. "No, you haven't done anything wrong," you smile. "But you did get out of the chair just now. Do you remember why?"

If he is going to admit anything to anyone, it will be you.

He is quiet for a moment and then he leans slightly more forward. "I felt tired. I think I fell asleep," he says quietly. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to."

You smile again because he is looking so worried. "Thats okay, it's all right. I think though we had better get you back to your room."

You look at Jakobs and he nods.

You encourage the patient to stand up. You don't know if all the doctors agree with you that the testing session is over, but you can see something has completely drained him. "Do you still feel tired?" you ask as he stands. He nods. Two guards come up behind you and you see his eyes widen and for a moment the panic resurfaces.

You turn around and smile at them. "I don't think we need an escort." You signal with your eyes that you do, in fact, but they get the idea they are to drop back and follow at a distance. You are still nervous. You still have the picture in your mind of that thin-lipped smile, and you can still feel the warmth of his hand on you.

You leave with the patient. Your throat feels like someone has tied a noose around it and if you were to move your collar you would see the bruising developing. You thought he was going to kill you but now - now you think he was just playing with you. Like a cat plays with a bird just before it intends to seriously harm it.

"Will you be all right?" Jakobs asks, and you nod. "Good. I'll pop by when we're finished up in here."

 _ _Jakobs waits until she leaves before he allows his revelation to escape his lips: "My God, his new personality is split. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it."__

" _ _Jesus. Who's going to tell Lehmann?" Taffeteer asks.__

 **...**

 _ _Later, when Lehmann sees the footage caught on camera, he is actually pleased. It is as Fennhoff predicted, here is what he had been hoping to grow. There is another personality that will be willing to do the evil things needed of it. He hasn't realised yet that there is too much madness in this one. There is no pity, cruelty and evil is what drives it. It is cunning, but it cannot control its urges.__

 _ _Fennhoff believed he saw this other personality hiding. It will take time for them to work on combining what they need from the two personalities to create the perfect assassin.__

 _ _To create their Winter Soldier.__

 **...**

For the first few days you are afraid to be alone with your patient, and for the first time ever you ask Marinov if a guard can stay in the room with you at all times. The patient seems to be puzzled. He can sense your fear, but not what causes it. You are sure a few times you have caught the other one looking at you and the smile he gives you is so frightening you begin to jump at your own shadow.

Doctor Lehmann actually notices your frayed nerves and asks you if you want to be taken off the project. He will use any excuse to get you away from the Winter Soldier if he can. Despite being Director, he still cannot get Zola to agree to your being dismissed. Your presence annoys him. You refuse to go but Lehmann is wearing you down. He is continually watching you, looking for any excuse, waiting for you to say you have had enough and accept the bullet and lonely grave he has planned for you. But you made a promise to James, and you are not fully convinced now that James is dead. Not after the words the second personality said to you. Sometimes you wonder bleakly if it just because of your own need for James that makes you think that. But if he is in there somewhere you cannot leave him.

You talk to Stefan about Lehmann. "He wants me to go, to leave...my patient," you say as you and he are changing the bed, sorting things out in the patients room. "He has never liked me being part of the project."

"Thats because he can't control you. He knows your loyalty is to..." Stefan looks briefly over to the patient, then back at you. "...watch yourself Freya, watch your back. I think Lehmann will do anything to get rid of you, don't give him any reason to."

"I know, but..." you catch Stefan's arm and look into his eyes, "if he does please, please look after James, don't leave him."

 _ _Stefan puts his hand over hers and tries to smile.__

" _ _Don't even think about it. I don't think Zola would agree." He sees the need in her eyes, she needs him to agree. "But, yes of course I will stay with our patient, for as long as Lehmann lets me that is. I'm not too popular as it is, I think they only let me stay because Doctor Jakobs vouches for me."__

 _ _Whilst she is talking to Stefan, the patient sits in the chair watching them. They are both talking quietly but he can still hear them and neither of them realise he is taking in all that they are saying. He notices a lot that goes on, more than they give him credit for. There are times when the first personality is asleep and the second is awake. He is cunning enough to know they trust the first one so he pretends to be him.__

 _ _After all the first personality is so quiet it is easy for them to forget he is there.__

 **...**

Jakobs comes back from one of his visits with Freya feeling troubled. It has been a week since the attack. The bruising around her throat is fading and her voice is not so husky, but it is the look in her eyes that worries him. He had seen that look so many time before in his mother's eyes just after his father had beaten her once again. The look that said she believed she had deserved the punishment. And the feeling was so powerful that she would never believe him when he told her she didn't deserve the beatings, he could see that somehow she thought it was her fault. She would smile sadly and kiss him on the head and tell him not to worry.

"Go play with your friends. Leave your father to me."

When he was old enough he would ask his mother why she stayed, why she continually put up with the moods, the rages.

"Because I love him, and in his own way he loves me," she told him. And he could see in her eyes she truly believed that.

He would always rail against her answer. "Surely you can't believe that! How can someone love a person yet continually beat them, continually hurt them! You make excuses for him but there is __no__ excuse, there __can__ be no excuse!"

"You never met your Grandfather. I have known your father since we were children living next door to each other. Your grandfather would beat his son black and blue. Your father believed he deserved it, and it made him into what he is. He does not understand any other way. You have to understand, in our day, growing up was…different. It was understood that parents disciplined their children and husbands disciplined their wives. Your father and I were lucky to have each other." She said simply.

She had believed it with all her soul, and what is more he could see something else in her eyes. She believed she deserved the treatment. What could possibly have made her like this? He did not understand until he spoke of his mother's words to his university professor who lectured on such relationships and had a theory regarding them. They talked long into the night.

"I have always believed that mostly in life two things happen to those abused. They themselves either become an abuser, or they believe it is what they deserve and end up in an abusive relationship. Perhaps your mother was trying to tell you they were both abused as children, and they came out of it with each other. He believed it was right to hurt her and she believed he was right to do so as that is what she deserved in life." His professor told him.

"However..." his Professor continued, "that is not to say that there are people out there who are evil and would use that as an excuse to prey upon those weaker than them and hope to turn all good to their way...to evil. It is a hard lesson to learn in life."

Jakobs disagreed with the first part. "I was abused. It wasn't just my mother who met with my father's disapproval. As soon as I was old enough to answer back, my father took to knocking me down even though she tried to stop him, tried to divert his attention away from me but sometimes she wasn't there, sometimes..." he hesitated. "...but look at me, I am neither an abuser nor a victim now. I love my wife, my babies, and I will never lay a hand on them."

And he had always kept his promise.

Never once did he berate them. Never once did he lift his hand to his wife or his children.

Now, here in the present day, he sits down heavily on his bed. "But what am I now? Have I become an abuser?" he murmurs to himself. He became a doctor to help people. When he had lost his family, he hadn't known what to do, who to turn to. And Armin Zola used that moment against him. "Does that make Armin an abuser or does it make him evil?" he wonders.

They had taken James Barnes, by all accounts a decent man; someone who did not abuse others. They had taken that innocence and turned it into violence, turned Barnes into an abuser. Because that is what he has become. Evil had come along and twisted and tortured a soul and stained it. Jakobs recognised the look in the patient's eyes when he turned to him whilst holding Freya. It had been like looking into the eyes of his father. He has since seen that second personality watch her, and he could see the hunger in it's eyes for her.

He has seen that thin-lipped smile. This aspect of the Winter Soldier won't just hit his nurse, he will take everything from her he can and leave her with nothing.

He believed James Barnes had grown to love Freya, and now his personality was split those two would always be a part of the final soldier they made. A passive side who still loved the nurse and would do anything to please her. And then an aggressive side who still loved the woman but would want to dominate and control her; would hurt her.

And where did this leave Freya?

She loved James Barnes with a love that went beyond all other things, Jakobs knows that. He is convinced that at some time she has been abused, mentally or physically, and probably by her parents. She has mentioned in the past that her mother had been a troubled person. Jakobs knows that Freya believes she is worth nothing. He could see it in her. In one way it was a strength almost; her existence did not matter and so she took chances, it seemed sometimes to give her a resilience against life. But in another way, besides her love for Barnes, it was her greatest weakness because she will not protect herself against him, she will allow him to hurt her and then she will return for more.

Had Jakobs helped forge that?

Yes. He had become an abuser. The last thing he had ever wanted.

On a larger scale he realises that this is what Hydra will create worldwide and that he has had played a small part in it. What is he doing here? Why did he ever listen to Armin? He feels like he has wandered into a nightmare and lost his way. Now all he can do is try to help. All he can do is be here when Freya starts to have the _ _accidents__ that will follow when the second personality is in charge.

He rubs at his face with his hands and stands up.

Nothing he can say will ever change Freya's mind. It is too inbuilt in her from childhood. She did not have the potential to become an abuser, but, she will accept being abused and all he can do is be there for her when she needs him. Patch her back up when the patient has finished with her and she needed medical attention because it would happen, __it will happen__ , he can't stop it.

No one can.

 **...**

You are woken by a hand over your mouth. It jerks you wide awake. You know who it is. You recognise his stance, his smell, the way his hair falls over his face. The light from underneath the door shows his silhouette. How did he get out of his room? Why is he here?

He is bare chested, but has shorts on. His feet are bare, and he is so very silent when he wants to be. He releases you and holds a finger over his lips and you nod. He knows he can trust you, but you have forgotten for just a moment you cannot always trust him.

 _ _He looks to the closed door and listens for a moment but he has time. He knows he has time. Rounds are not for another two hours, and they will not find the dead guard if they happen to pass that way. He has hidden him too well.__

"What's happened? Are you all right?" You reach over to switch on the lamp and he stays your hand. He doesn't let it go but he turns to look at you. You can see by the light coming in from under the door.

His eyes. Deep and black.

It is the other one.

He smiles in that cruel thin-lipped way of his. He pushes your hand back down onto the bed and holds it there. He puts one knee on the bed, leaning towards you.

"What are you doing? No...no! Let me go." You hear the immediate fear in your voice and you know he has sensed it too. You try to move but his metal grip increases until you are sure your fingers are going to break. He reaches with his right hand and pulls your bedclothes away.

You move to hit him with your other hand but he catches that to and transfers it to his metal grip. He then moves to hold both of your hands over your head against the pillow. You still struggle, you can see the look in his eyes as he relishes this power he has over you, and you see a hunger and madness in them. Your stomach drops and you begin to sweat, begin to panic.

He takes hold of the collar of your nightdress and rips downwards, tearing it open. His eyes follow the tear and you are aware of the look on his face. He is hungry, very hungry. You feel the cool air on your naked skin.

You are still struggling and it annoys him. He hits you across the face, and the blow is a powerful one. Your head rocks and your ears ring. For a moment you feel as though you are underwater and you are going to drown. You try to struggle to sit up, but you are dazed and uncoordinated from the punch. A trickle of blood runs from your mouth and you can taste the saltiness of it.

He takes this opportunity to let you go. He removes his shorts, and you know he is going to rape you. You can see his need for you; he is hard, and you turn your head away and try to move but you are still uncoordinated and dizzy. Your head is still ringing with the blow and he is back before you can do anything more.

You could struggle. You could cry out and hope someone hears you, but you know as well as he does that they would not stop him. He is far more valuable than you are. You have no faith in your own worth to know you will get any help.

He moves to straddle you, and you feel the heat of his skin. You smell his male smell and your heart beats faster. You can feel the weight of his balls and his cock pushes against your stomach, hard and red, swollen. You have never been with a man before.

How badly will he hurt you?

"Please no," you say, your eyes filling with tears. Your hands are free now and you push ineffectually at him, making him grin. He takes your chin in his hand and makes you look at him, he bends down to kiss you; you try to move your head but his hold is firm. His lips find yours and you feel his tongue demanding entrance to your mouth. Then he is exploring you and you can taste him, feel the warmth of his mouth, taste his spit.

As he kisses you he moves to cover your body with his, stretching out over you so he can feel you all at once. He dominates you. His skin against yours. His skin is so hot, making you panic, and you feel claustrophobic. You can't breathe. His mouth is on yours and his weight pins you down; you can't take a deep breath. For a moment you feel as if you are going to suffocate and then he moves slightly to let you breathe.

 _ _His mouth releases her and his tongue licks over his lips and then he is looking at her. Her eyes are wide, the pupils black. He reaches forward and pulls her hair forward and smells it and then wraps it around the metal. His other hand begins to travel over her soft, warm body and he closes his eyes before she sees the desperation in them.__

"Please don't," you whisper. But your mind asks if you are lying. __Do you really want him to stop? You want him to love you, to make love to you, this is all the affection you deserve, what more is anyone ever going to give you?__

You can feel his rock hard erection against you. You know the size of it, you know the texture from the times you have helped him in the shower, you even know the taste of him; but you have never known him inside of you and the thought makes your stomach turn, not with sickness but with a disturbing excitement. A heat starts in your lower belly and you are ashamed by the excitement you feel; at the sudden wetness between your legs. He looks so much like James, smells like him, and you can no longer be certain he isn't in there somewhere. You have wanted James for so long, wanted him to touch you, wanted to feel him between your legs.

What does that make you?

He wraps more of your hair around his fist and gently pulls your head back, he kisses your neck and you shiver and close your eyes. Then his lips move down to your breast and he sucks, making your nipple hard. The rest of his body moves against yours and you don't want him to stop. Your legs are open, you are not even aware of how much your body is betraying you. Your hands are on his back, no longer pushing him away instead your nails dig into his skin as if to hold him there on top of you.

 _ _He pushes her legs further open and she lets him. He senses a change in the way her body moves with his, and the gasp she makes when he touches her between her legs and for a moment he moves to look at her.__

" _ _Open your eyes," he says quietly. She does as he asks. Her eyes have turned to liquid, and he can see himself mirrored in them.__

His fingers are exploring you, and the sensation is taking your breath away. You can feel him, his fingers find you and enter and his eyes flash. You feel them plunge into you and you want him to push them deeper. You lift your hand and pull his head back down to you and you kiss him deeply and this time your tongue explores his mouth whilst your hands explore his body. His stubbled cheeks chafe yours.

Sickeningly, you realise too late - you want this man, no matter which one it is. You have wanted him for such a very long time. Your hand travels down between his legs and you grip his erection. You have a moment's hesitation - he is so big - and you are unsure if he is too big for you, but his hand then covers yours and he guides himself between your legs, his fingers holding you open until he enters you.

You moan when he does and your legs move to go around his.

 _ _He senses she is holding her breath, waiting for pain, and in that split second realises he is the first.__ __He didn't know and the thought of it makes his stomach clench. She has never been with anyone else, never known another man.__

 _ _She is his completely.__

 _ _He breathes deeply and holds himself back from pushing all the way in. He kisses her and then as he thrusts himself forward he strokes her hair, drinks in her eyes.__

"It's all right..." he whispers because he knows it has hurt you, he knows he is big. You look into his eyes and yours are full of trust.

You fool.

 _ _He smiles and dips his head and bites her neck. She cries out and tries to pull away.__

" _ _Ssshhh...no, no," he says again, looking back at her. He wants this reaction from her, he wants to teach her that with pleasure always comes pain. Because it is what they have taught him. His logic has been totally fucked up and he will do the same to her until she doesn't know who she is any more, the only thing she will know is she belongs to him.__

 _ _He doesn't even know who he is, but he knows there are times when she sees someone in him and that makes the jealousy rise up in his chest, twinned with another emotion - panic. His mind is garbled; screwed up, with memories running amok. At its worst, when his head is about to split open, a memory of her is always there, not necessarily the same one, but she is there to calm him, tell him he is not alone and that she will never leave him. It takes the noise away, gives him peace so much that he wants to crawl inside her and hide until it has all gone away.__

 _ _When the first personality is awake he can control him, suggest things to him, but when he takes over the first one is totally encompassed and sleeps to get away from the awful thoughts that runs through its shared mind.__

 _ _Dangerous, because also in the jumble of his mind is another memory of her. He is strapped to a table. They are hurting him, and she is there. He is begging them to stop, to stop hurting him. They do not listen, she is holding his hand but does not stop them, just leans over and tries to comfort him. Why didn't she help him? Why does she let them continue to hurt him? And so now pain is all he has to offer her, and he wants to punish her for what she helped do to him. He wants to see the pain in her eyes, wants to see the damage he does to her body and mind because then, it will make her the same as him and she won't leave.__

 _ _But he is devious, this one. He knows now is not the time to hurt her too badly. Time is what he has most of and the pleasure of hurting her can be put off for another day.__

 _ _He really is so very fucked up. But then so is she.__

He is holding you and his thumb is stroking your nipple, almost as if he is trying to soothe you, and you feel a heat inside that you didn't know was possible. Your whole body is crying out for him to touch you, you no longer care if it hurts you; your legs wrap themselves around his hips, driving him deeper. You feel him inside you slowly moving up and down and you respond. His hands are now exploring you again and your hands are moving over his back, down and you can feel this sense of urgency building in you.

You can see it is also building in him and he lifts himself slightly so he can look at you again, look into your eyes. He wants to see the moment he takes you, the moment he believes you truly become his. You can see this in his eyes and you know they are the windows to his black soul. You bite your lip and he moves faster, harder, and you feel the sensation inside you drowning out everything. Your legs stay wrapped around his to keep him deeply inside; you cry out quietly and move with him and then its as if the world explodes around you. A sensation that rocks you and before you close your eyes and give yourself to it you see the triumph in his eyes. Your whole body tenses and you cannot hold him close enough, your head tips back and your hair flows over your shoulders and you cry out louder and beg him not to stop.

To move into you further.

To not let you go.

He gives himself over to his climax and he holds you to him so hard for a moment you can't breathe. Hot liquid spills into you, mingles with yours, and you hear his moan as he buries his face in your hair and he grips you as if he is drowning.

Then you are both coming down from it, back to reality. All you can hear is the heavy breathing as you both try and catch your breath. Your heart is beating so fast and your whole body feels as if it has just been through an intense electric shock. You never knew anything like this could happen.

You feel his weight move and you open your eyes, aware of the smell of sex on both of you. He leans over and with a metal finger traces your lips, almost forcing the metal into your mouth. Then he bends forward and you think he is going to kiss you but instead he whispers in your ear.

"Whore. You belong to me, every part of you. I can do what ever I want to you, and no one will stop me. No-one will ever help you, you can't even help yourself. You opened your legs to me so easily."

Your emotions crash around you as you look into those cruel eyes, as you see him smile.

He moves to look at you, to see what reaction his words have caused, and you feel a terror in your heart. This evil side, this madness contained within the Winter Soldier, this has played with you. Did any of it mean anything to him?

He moves away and you feel him get off the bed and stand. He reaches for his shorts and pulls them back on. You grasp the first thing that comes to hand to cover yourself but he turns and takes it away from you. His gaze lingers on your body, and you try to cover yourself with your hands. He smiles that cruel thin-lipped smile of his.

"Why so modest? You're a natural! You just couldn't wait to be fucked could you?"

Then he places a finger on his lips as you begin to sob and kneels on the bed. You want to move away but you can't. Tears are rolling down your throbbing cheek from where he hit you. He holds you under the chin and lifts your head, then very gently leans forwards, tastes your tears and kisses your lips, you can taste the saltiness on them. Your heart is beating so hard you are sure he can hear it.

Then he pulls away and without a backward glance leaves the room, closing the door quietly behind him. You didn't realise you were holding your breath until you hear the click of the lock and then you gasp and catch your breath. Your whole body is starting to ache, and your fingers feel your cheek. It is swollen, bruised. You feel the liquid running down your leg. You know it is his semen mixing with your wetness. You pull the sheets and your ruined nightgown into a ball and you curl around it.

What has he made you?

What are you becoming? Your mind tells you that you deserve what he said.

You welcomed everything he did and more.

Your self worth is not just low, it is non-existent. Your parents could not love you. James Barnes did not love you. And now this man, this Winter Soldier, just wants you because you are nothing but a whore to him. Surely so many people can't be wrong; you are truly not worth anything.

This is all you deserve.

 **...**

 _ _He isn't finished yet. He has one more thing to do before going back to his room.__

 _ _Although Lehmann is now directorate of the facility, he has never bothered to have his bedroom moved; after tonight he will. The patient silently lets himself into Lehmann's room and enjoys the fear and panic in Lehmann's eyes when he wakes him. He straddles Lehmann, looking down at him with no compassion, no mercy in his eyes.__

 _ _That look is one of the most terrifying things Lehmann has ever seen but he doesn't want this...thing...to see the panic he is feeling.__

" _ _What do you want?" he asks. Give him his due; there is only a slight tremor in his voice, no one would guess the fear that is clutching him inside. He has never been so frightened in his life as he is now looking up at this madman they have created.__

" _ _You want to get rid of my nurse," the patient says, giving Lehmann no clue as to where this is going.__

 _ _Lehmann frowns but does not say anything, and the patient leans down and that is when Lehmann sees the knife in his hand. "She...belongs...to...me," the patient says emphatically. His eyes leave no doubt that he means what he says.__

 _ _Lehmann swallows.__

" _ _Do you understand?" The patient continues. "She is my property. You will not take her away from me. You will never take her away from me, because if you do I will kill you."__

 _ _Lehmann is in no position to argue.__

" _ _I asked if you understand?" The patient brings the knife to Lehmann's throat.__

" _ _Yes," Lehmann says and the patient leans back.__

" _ _I want her with me."__

" _ _With you?"__

" _ _I want access to her whenever I want her. She will belong to me and only me."__

 _ _Lehmann frowns again, his mind racing. The patient is mad, even he can see it. How the hell is he ever going to make a soldier out of this, one who will obey orders, this one will kill all right and probably enjoy it but they need more stability.__

" _ _Do you mean..." He gets no further. The patient is smiling, and it is a terrifying sight.__

" _ _I mean if I want to fuck her, she will be there. If I want to hurt her, no-one will interfere. I mean that she is mine, and mine only. She will share a room with me. She will be there whenever I need her in every way and at any time. Is that clear enough for you?" He is deliberately crude, spells out exactly what he wants.__

 _ _Lehmann is fast. "And if I say yes?"__

 _ _The patient smiles again. "Then I will do anything and everything you say."__

 _ _And as Lehmann agrees to it the patient slits open Lehmann's top. His eyes widen. "I've agreed...what..." as the knife blade digs into his skin and opens a shallow wound in his chest.__

" _ _Just a little reminder so you don't forget," the patient says and climbs off the bed.__

 _ _At the door he turns around. "And no-one, but no-one, interferes. Not the guards, not the doctors. She is my property," he reiterates and then he is gone.__

 _ _No one else has heard what they talk about and when he leaves Lehmann is grateful to still be alive.__

 _ _He knows now what this soldier wants, and in return he will co-operate with them. It doesn't occur to Lehmann not to give him what he asks for; he knows if he had refused they would have found him in the morning with his throat cut.__

 _ _Besides which, it is simple request as far as he is concerned. In the grand scheme of things, they have gotten off relatively lightly.__

 **...**

The next morning you are summoned to Director Lehmann's office. He ignores the bruising on your face and the tiredness in your eyes. You know it is not worth telling him what happened during the night.

He tells you what he has decided and accepts no argument from you. You are stunned.

From now on, you will not just be the patient's nurse, you will be his companion and you will share a room with him. Arrangements are already being made, and you will be instructed where your new sleeping quarters are later this week.

He does not ask you what you think and you are too stunned to ask any questions. It feels like a dream.

You leave the office, dazed, and you feel totally and utterly alone. But worse, much worse there is a small part of you that likes what it heard, has set your heart beating fast, and you despair.

What have you become?

A few days later both you and the patient are moved into a larger room with an adjoining bathroom/shower, a double bed, wardrobe, a desk, and even a small area to prepare drinks. Every night the heavy metal door will be locked from 9pm until 7am in the morning. There is a slot where the guards can check on what is happening when the door is locked. At present there will be no permanent guard outside the door because the room you are in is closer to one of the locked gateways but every two hours two guards will patrol and ensure there is nothing amiss.

Marinov speaks quietly to Stefan and asks him to let you know they have been told only to react to you if the patient is in trouble. If you are the one in trouble they are not allowed to interfere. They are to ignore you, no matter what the patient is doing to you. He doesn't like it but those are his orders.

Stefan is concerned and wants to talk to Lehmann but you tell him no, it is your problem you will sort it out. You thank him, you know he cares for you and that thought is one you are grateful for.

You have hardly any possessions so it takes no time at all to move you to your new life.

You are the patient's companion now, you will still act as his nurse when needed and you are there to serve him...in whatever way the patient wants, or sees fit.

You report to and only to Lehmann.

"Hail Hydra," were Lehmann's last words to you, and the smile he gave you when you left the room was chilling and final.

He always wins because evil always does.

Or so he has always believed.


	22. Chapter 22 - Cryogenic Freeze

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Twenty-Two: The Nurse & the Patient - Cryogenic Freeze****

Director Lehmann has been busy reorganising things. He doesn't want you with idle time on your hands. Stefan has been given new responsibilities, few of them still tie in with yours. He is now working on the Cryogenic Freeze Team and also in conjunction with Doctor Jakobs on other smaller projects.

Stefan is a fast learner.

Lehmann has given you the responsibility of not only the wellbeing of their patient, but also his language education: you are teaching him all of the Russian and the basic French and German that you know. You point out that you are not a qualified teacher, but Lehmann doesn't seem to be worried. He is honest with you for once. When the project nears the end, when the patient will fully become the Winter Soldier, he will begin more intensive training. But, for now, it will not hurt for him to learn the basics.

The first personality was so shy the first night you shared his bed, but he also seemed pleased that you would always be there. You have not seen anything more of the second personality yet. It is surprising how quickly the human mind can learn to cope with new things. When you look back at how your life keeps changing, you wonder how you are coping with it at all. You barely think of your previous life, of your parents, and that makes you feel guilty.

All that matters to you is this man now, and you wonder what that makes you.

You and Stefan are now required to attend the cryogenic freeze meetings. At first you were not sure what cryogenic freezing even was, but Doctor Jakobs was allowed to give you an overview. He took you to see the rooms where the freezing would take place. You were stunned. You didn't know things like this were possible.

"No, nor did I at first," Jakobs said when you told him.

He also gives you a basic idea of the whole Winter Soldier project. The patient will become a killer, an assassin. No-one will know where he comes from, who he works for. In between missions, he will be kept in cryogenic freeze, and thus will never age. He will become a ghost, a legend, a __nightmare__. You ask if there are going to be more soldiers on the project and Jakobs shakes his head. Zola's idea for the future was one person to change the world - one person in the right place at the right time can change the future with just a small action here and there. It is the first time anyone has painted you the whole picture and you find it daunting.

 _ _Dear God, what would James have thought if he had known.__

The cryo-freezing is working, and all the equipment is up and running. Now it just needs to be tested on the patient. They have to make sure that the Winter Soldier's body and genetic make-up is compatible. They have discovered through tests that not everyone survives, not everyone's body can cope with it. There are drugs that have to be introduced to the patient, drugs that will affect him and will take him a while to get over but they are necessary for the freezing to work.

The cryo-suite consists of two separate rooms. The first room is about half the size of the main room, but seems to consist of just as many panels and work stations. This is where the process will be controlled from.

Then there is a hatchway in one of the walls, similar to the hatchway in a submarine. This takes you through to the second room. Standing in that room makes you shiver, and not just because it is so cold in there. The walls are made of some type of metal, wet to the touch and already rust is showing in the seams of the panelling. The floor is bare and slippery, the technician apologises and says it is one of the things they need to address.

But it is the two pods that have your attention. That is what they call them, but to you they look like metal coffins with a window in the lid so you can see the corpse. One of the pods they will use, the other one is a back up.

Stefan joins you and explains that the patient will be contained within one of the pods, and that is where he will be kept until he is woken for a mission.

"When it is time to wake him, we will bring him out of cryogenic freeze and then move him into the main room and the Master Chair. At that time he will be given an injection and woken. It will then take him a day to get over cryogenic and the drugs used. We also need to give the serum time to repair any damage done to his body by the freezing process and then at some point he will go for wiping and reprogramming with Lehmann."

He realises he has spoken of something you know nothing about when you turn to look at him quickly, a frown on your face. He shakes his head. You know that when he can he will explain what he means by wiping and programming.

He then opens one of the pods and you look inside. It is dank, cold, dark and claustrophobic, and you feel as if it is sucking the air out of your lungs. Lining the bottom is a thin padded mattress. You suppose that it is to make it more comfortable. You move away. The thought of putting the patient in there is awful. It will feel as if you are burying him alive.

"Will he be awake when you put him in?" you ask. Stefan nods. You cannot help but shudder.

"Once he is in there, he will be frozen."

You close your eyes. _"_ _ _Dear God,"__ you whisper.

"It's safe Freya. Once he is asleep he won't know anything about it." But Stefan's assurances do not make you feel any happier.

You know that they have already begun to add the drugs to the patients food, and at first they made him feel dizzy, queasy, but that settled down after a few days. From now on, Stefan says, he will need to take drugs before and after each freeze. They believe it will take at least 24 hours for his body to get over each session and during that time he will be returned to his quarters to sleep and for you to attend to him. Then, after further preparation, he will be ready to be sent __on mission.__ That is what they call it. The term sound so blasé - __on mission__. He will be sent to murder. To ruin lives. He will be sent to bring order to Hydra's new world.

 **...**

You have had a quiet morning with your patient, and he is responding well to your lessons. You receive a message. They ask you to attend the cryogenic freeze chamber with the patient. The person who brings the message is a bit confused when you question them as to what is going to happen, and she leaves you with the idea that they are just going to trial out the pod to see if it will house the patient, see if it fits and is comfortable. That is all.

 _ _How can something like that be at all comfortable?__ you wonder.

 _ _The woman looks at the nurse. Surely she received the brief that they sent out...? Her name was on it. If so, why is she asking so many questions? This will be their first attempt at freezing him and she must know that?__ Stupid woman, __she thinks. She doesn't even know why the nurse has to be there! Stefan insisted it would make the patient feel calmer.__ Surely, __the woman thinks,__ we can do that, we have the drugs.

 _ _But hers is not to reason why and so she does what she is told.__

You walk your patient down to the cryo suite. Every time you think of the pods you feel sick. You do not want to consign him to that metal coffin, to oblivion. You had asked Stefan if they thought he would dream when he was in there, but Stefan shook his head. "Not from the brain wave patterns we have seen from the others," he says. You know he means the people they tested the pods out on, but you stopped him from telling you any more details.

You don't want to know how many people have already lost their life to this process.

"It is safe Freya, I promise you," Stefan says trying to reassure you again. With him on the project you feel comforted. He tries to ensure you are always consulted, always kept informed.

You have explained to your patient that new tests are starting today and that they will need him to help with something that shouldn't take too long.

"Will you be there?" is all he asked.

"Yes, I won't leave you," you promise.

First they check him out in the first room, hook him up to machines to test his heart rate and blood pressure. Then they administer a drug. You ask why and they say it is because his heart rate is up and they want him to be calmer. He is used to hypodermics and doesn't even blink when they administer it.

They then attach a small unit to his belt. They tell you it will continue to monitor him. It does make you wonder why they need to do this when all he will be doing is seeing if the pod is comfortable, is big enough. You wrongly assume that the unit needs to be tested.

With you following, they take him through to the next room. He hesitates at the doorway, and then again when they get him into the next room and he sees the pods. The technician goes over the opens one of the pods and doesn't see the patient take a step back but you do. You come up to his side and before you can say anything he looks at you.

"Don't make me get in there." His eyes are wide and you see anxiety in them. What can you say?

"You'll be all right, I promise. Its just to try it out. You won't have to stay in there," and you smile, your heart thudding inside your chest because you would hate to have to get in. You take his arm and reluctantly he walks with you over to the pod.

"We just need you to sit here and then swing into it," the technician says without even looking at him. She pats the bed of the pod expecting the patient to meekly do what he has been told.

He looks at you and shakes his head.

In the wall is a huge window, and Stefan can see from the other room that there is a problem brewing. He comes to join you. He moves the technician out of the way and lies down in the pod so the patient can see what is expected of him.

The patient looks at you and you nod and smile. You hate yourself. What will it be like when they finally use the pod on him? How will you get him to get in then?

"Elevated heart rate," one of the technicians shouts through. You can see the patient is breathing more heavily and his skin is sweaty. He looks around the room and then hesitantly looks at you. Then he walks over to the pod, and Stefan helps him lie down.

"Now, we're going to put this down," he says, pointing to the lid "but there is a window and you can still see us." The patient is looking at you. "I won't move, I'll stay here so you can see me all the time," you promise.

After all it is only for a few minutes.

Stefan nods at the technician and they bring the heavy metal lid down, and you hate the sound of it when it clicks into place. You step forward and look through the panel in the lid. His eyes are wide, panicked. He lifts a hand up and places it on the glass, you put yours on the top.

Suddenly there are some sounds you don't recognise coming from the ducts around the room and you look at the piping and then you hear him bang the glass.

You look back down. Something has panicked him.

"Let him out," you say, and Stefan frowns at you.

"We can't."

"What?!" And as you say that the patient bangs again on the glass. The pod makes a horrendous hissing noise and cold air gushes out from the side. "Stefan! Let him out, get him out now!"

You put your hand back on the glass to where the patient has put his hand. He is now pushing against the glass. He is moving, trying to get out, but then you see his body go taut and his head goes back and you can't see him for white mist.

"Stefan!"

"He's all right Freya, he's all right." You can hear voices from the other room reading out measurements.

"But, what are you doing? She said you were just showing him the pod..." you say and he shakes his head, stunned.

"No, its a full test, we're freezing him." Even as he says it, Stefan realises that no one told you, no one told the patient.

"He's going to be in there for two hours but he's safe Freya, he will be all right."

"But you can't, I promised, I said..." and you look at Stefan and he sees the horror on your face.

"I promise you Freya he will be all right," Stefan touches your arm. If anyone else had said that you would not believe them, but you trust Stefan.

You look into the pod. The mist is clearing. You can finally see him. His eyes are closed, his hand has fallen to his chest and his skin is deathly white.

"No," you whisper.

Those two hours are two of the longest for you. They cannot let you remain in the room with the pod as the temperature once he is frozen is lowered even further. It is too cold for any one to survive in.

You sit instead staring through the window. You said you wouldn't leave him and you have.

He trusted you.

 **...**

When the door is opened and the pod cleared he is unconscious, which is the state he should be in.

This, Stefan explains, is normal. He will remain that way until they administer the drug in the Main Room. His vital signs are stable and they are pleased with the data.

"He's okay, I promised you he would be," Stefan smiles. His own heart is thumping, but he doesn't tell her that.

They move the patient to the Main Room and to the chair which is in the horizontal position. They allow you to remain whilst they wake him up, but you are to sit on the other side of the room, away from him. It is difficult to see what is happening as there are so many people around him, so many people attaching different things to his chest, his head.

What they do not expect to happen is for him to go completely mad.

The drug is given. The chair swings up and around. No one has bothered with restraints, and he is awake before they know he is. He opens his eyes and they are black pools of hated, of madness, and the first thing he does is grab the nearest doctor, his metal hand surrounding the doctor's throat and squeezing so hard that his neck is broken within seconds.

"Jesus Christ, take him down!" One of the other doctors screams at the guard, but the guard is not quick enough; the patient is out of the chair. He grabs the guard's gun and uses it to club him viciously, and the guard is the next to die.

The patient is breaking everything in sight. Tables are turned over, chairs thrown, and all the while he is cursing them, the words spoken so fast, so angry you cannot understand what he is saying. Guards try to take him down but he is much too strong and they end up being hurled into the machinery, into the walls.

You are frozen in place for the first few seconds. You can't attract his attention. You have no name to call him by but then, turning, he sees you and his eyes go darker. His murderous focus is now on you and he turns fully to come after you. You can't move. Your legs won't obey you. His eyes don't leave yours and he is snarling. You hear a noise. Marinov and two guards run into the room. You see Marinov sum up the situation; he and the two guards are holding the special hypo rifles that were bought in after the patient had gone crazy the last time. He brings the rifle up, aiming at the patient, and shoots. The guards with him do the same.

The patient staggers, stops and wavers. He tries to take another step but the next two darts hit him. They are fast-acting, and he goes down. You run to where he is and he sees you just before his eyes close.

"You promised. You weren't there, you left me." he spits at you. He says it in English, and no one else hears him in the confusion.

The lab is a mess: two work stations ruined, one dead doctor, one dead guard, two more unconscious, paper strewn over the floor, dents in the walls. The patient is taken, unconscious, to his old room and secured to the bed. Lehmann will arrange for this room to be fortified for future use.

"What the bloody hell went wrong?" Lehmann asks, but no one is able to tell him. Everything was all right until they bought him around, and then he just went berserk.

"Was it the second personality?" he asks and they shake their heads.

"No, it was...I don't know...worse, pure and utter madness." one of the Doctors tells him and shudders. "He just went berserk."

 **...**

They bring him back to you five hours later. He is calm, and it is very much the first personality who is awake. They lock you both in for the night. He hasn't spoken to you, won't look at you. You sit down next to him at the table and put your hand over his. He tries to move his but instead you take it in yours and raise it to your lips and kiss it.

"I am so, so sorry. I didn't know they were going to do that to you." There are tears in your eyes. He looks at the floor. "Please talk to me," you beg and he finally looks at you, his eyes wide, betrayed, so alone.

"You said you wouldn't leave me, but you did," he says.

"I didn't leave. I was there all the time I promise."

"You weren't in the dark, I was alone."

"In the dark?" you don't understand.

He looks away from you again. "It hurt. When all the white mist came, it hurt. I couldn't move. I couldn't see you any more. I could feel my body freezing up, I could hear the crackle of my skin..." he says and you stroke his cheek.

"They told me they were just showing us the pods. I didn't know they would seal you in one. Please believe me."

He looks at you for a long time and then he leans in towards you and you take him in your arms, stroking his hair and kissing the top of his head.

"They don't tell me everything. They don't trust me. I am so sorry but please believe me, I will never lie to you." You hold him as close as you can and you feel his arms encircle you and you know he has forgiven you.

"Promise me you will always be there when I wake up," he says simply. And you do.

You encourage him to eat something with you, and you can see how tired he is. He is also cold; shivering makes his hands tremble.

You suggest a warm shower before he goes to bed and get the water running for him. He undresses and gets under the warm water. You are about to leave the bathroom when he says something to you. The words are softly spoken and you cannot hear them clearly so you move nearer until you are stood just outside of the water raining down.

"I didn't hear you," you smile leaning in. He looks at you and your heart misses a beat.

Before you can turn he reaches out and grabs your wrist pulling you into the water and down onto your knees. He bends down so he is looking at you, hatred in his eyes.

"I said, now you've apologised to him, you can apologise to me," his voice is low, guttural, dangerous.

His other hand grabs your plait and twists it and he brings you in close to him, close to his groin, and you reach up to try and get him to release you, your hands trying to get a hold on his arms.

"Apologise!" He says twisting your hair more. It feels as if handfuls of it is going to be torn out. He could scalp you with one twist.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," you cry out.

The water is soaking through your clothes, your knees hurt as they press down on the bumpy surface of the shower tray, your scalp aches from where he is holding and twisting your hair so tight and you can smell his maleness.

"Good, good." He bends your head back so you are looking up at him.

"Now show me how sorry you really are," he smiles his death-head smile, and his other hand holds you under your chin forcing your mouth to his now hard cock.

 **...**

Later when he is asleep you lie awake. Is this your life from now on? Not knowing from one day to the next if you are to provide comfort or sex? Not knowing which personality is in charge? As you replay today in your mind something niggles, something the first personality said, and you try and repeat the conversation in your mind.

" _ _I didn't, I was there all the time I promise."__

" _ _You weren't in the dark. I was alone."__

What did he mean ' _ _you weren't in the dark'__? Stefan has already told you that the patient wouldn't dream. Did he mean he was awake? You know you will need to talk to Stefan tomorrow to see what he thinks. If the patient was awake all the time he was in cryo freeze then it may account for his madness when he was released. But, also, it would mean that it would have been terrifying for him. You don't think you could have coped with it if it had been you...but what else could he have done?

There would have been nothing else he could have done but give in to the madness. Wouldn't you do the same if you had his strength?

You turn over. Your body aches from your punishment. Lying beside you is the first personality; he is curled up facing you. There is enough light from under the door to see his face, relaxed, long lashes lying on his cheekbones, the mouth you know so well. James Barnes, but not James - and your heart aches. You always find when you wake he is by you, always touching you, sometimes holding your hand or just resting his hand on your hip.

You prefer that to waking and finding the second looking at you.

 **...**

The next day Stefan seeks you out before you go to find him. He has disturbing news. They have checked the readings from the patient whilst he was unconscious. They already know about the problem you have discovered. On some level, his consciousness was still awake.

"We think it may be the split personality causing the problem. He was, for all intents and purposes, unconscious...yet the readings say there was brain activity."

"God, Stefan! Do you realise how frightening that must have been for him?" You say, but then you realise by the look on his face he does.

"I'm sorry Freya. I thought I had a handle on this...but I didn't. I believed them when they said he would be all right. Nothing like this had happened in the...experimentation side."

You take a deep breath. It is not his fault. "So what will you do?" you ask.

Stefan shrugs. "It's not up to me, its up to the boffins. I just do what I'm told. They were talking about wiping him before he goes into cryo-freeze rather than after..." he holds his hands up. "I know you don't know about that part of it, but you will I promise. I'm planning to get one of the doctors to speak to you, I've told them you need to know. After all, you are still his nurse."

You know he doesn't have the time at the moment to explain it all to you but that he will do so. You sometimes feel he must be pulled in so many different directions.

Stefan then brings his hand up under your chin and tilts your face to the light. "What happened?" he is talking about the slight bruising on your face. You know him too well to lie.

"My punishment for what happened. For not being there with him in the dark," you say quietly.

 **...**

 _ _They tell him to climb into the metal coffin but he doesn't. He looks at the nurse. She smiles, but he can see the worry in her eyes. The man Stefan shows him what they want him to do. He doesn't want to, but he climbs into the pod. The metal is cold. There is a padded lining in the bottom, but even that is cold. He swallows and lies down. Before he knows what is happening they bring the lid down and he is trapped. All he can smell is metal. The parts that touch him are burning his skin. He looks through the glass panel and puts his hand up. He can see the nurse, she places her hand over his but then his panic starts to take over.__

" _ _Please get me out," he says, but she cannot hear him. Strange noises make his head hurt. The noises are loud as they bounce around the metal coffin and he bangs on the glass.__

" _ _Let me out!" He can see the panic on the nurse's face now. She has turned to Stefan but he is shaking his head, and then before anything else can be done there is a loud hissing and the space around him fills with a white freezing mist and he feels himself being choked. Cold air goes down his throat, into his lungs, sweeps around his body and he feels a crackling of his skin, a hardening, and he cannot move.__

 _ _And then there is the blackness.__

 _ _He opens his eyes.__

 _ _He cannot see anything. He is standing in the blackness and he feels an anger build in him. He feels himself split, become two entities. He crouches on the floor, away from the anger of the other one.__

" _ _What did you let them do?" The other hisses. "You stupid fool."__

 _ _The first personality curls around himself, distressed, sobbing. "I didn't, she told me it would be all right, she told me..."__

 _ _The second personality looks around. There is darkness everywhere and it is so cold he shivers. He clenches his hands. There is nothing he can do but he tries. He runs forward, then around, as fast as he can, but the cold and dark are everywhere it is never-ending. His breath is mist in front of him and he spins around.__

" _ _Let me out!" He screams at the top of his voice, again and again until he is hoarse, but there is no reply. He turns and there is the first personality crouched, huddled on the floor. He walks over to him and the first looks up at him.__

" _ _You stupid, utter fool, how could you believe them?!" But he is talking to himself. He believed it when Lehmann had promised she would always be there and now, now they were alone in the dark. When they finally let him out someone will pay for this, they will pay dearly.__

 _ _And the nurse...she will pay as well.__

 _ _He crouches down next to the first and looks at him, but all he sees is weakness and imperfection. He needs to get rid of this side of himself...yet he knows he would never survive without it. He feels his own panic start. The noises and confusion in his head grow louder and he puts his head back and screams again, but this time they are not words. His madness deepens a little bit more and when they finally let him out he barely knows anything but the need to destroy, to kill them.__

 _ _To obliterate everything.__


	23. Chapter 23 - Needed

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Twenty-Three:**** ** **The Patient & The Nurse - Needed****

He watches her whilst she sleeps. He doesn't know why she now shares his room, shares his bed, but he is just glad she is there. It makes everything else easier to cope with. He is beginning to understand things, but he still has no memory of before.

"Wake her up."

He looks behind him, searching for the other voice. There is no one there. There never is. The voice is always in his mind.

He watches the rise and fall of her chest, the way her hair curls around on the pillow. He knows its softness from when he has snuggled up to her at night, which is the closest he has come to touching her. When he needs her she will take him in her arms and hold him. She is there when he has terrible nightmares which leave him drenched in sweat. Now he needs her, but this time he needs more than just the comfort of her arms.

He moans softly and tries not to think about the longing in his blood, the hardness between his legs, the aching of his balls. He doesn't want to hurt her, doesn't know how to ask her to help him. He remembers her mouth, and again he closes his eyes. How does he remember that? Where from?

"Wake her up, she won't mind. She's here for us. She __belongs__ to us." The voice again. It lulls him into thinking about doing things he wouldn't normally do, and he reaches out to touch her shoulder.

Then his hand hesitates, inches away. He looks at her soft body again, and shakes her gently awake. He sits back. He doesn't want to crowd her and is now even thinking he has made a mistake as he watches her eyes open, blinking as she tries to wake herself up.

The voice has gone now. He is alone.

"What is it? Whats wrong?" She leans towards him, taking his hand, and he looks away, down at the covers. She moves to put the light on.

"No don't," he says quickly. There is enough light in the room and he doesn't want the harshness to drive away the warmth and closeness of her.

"Are you all right?" she asks quietly. She knows she is talking to the first personality, the gentle one, the one who never asks anything of her - but she can see his need in his eyes when he looks at her.

She sits up allowing the bed clothes to fall to her lap, and he can see the outline of her nipples against the fabric of her nightgown. He blushes. She sees where he was looking, and the quickness at which he looks away. He bites his lip, doesn't look at her. She moves closer. He can smell her, the soap she used in the shower, and her own special smell. She takes hold of his chin and turns him to look at her and smiles at him. Her eyes tell him she is there for him, for anything he needs, anything he wants.

"Why did you wake me?" she asks, her hands now in her lap, and she waits for him to speak.

"I..." he can't say it, he can't ask her. He tries to turn away, embarrassed, worried that she will be angry with him, he doesn't know what to say now she is awake.

She rests her hand on his arm and he turns back to her, making eye contact, wanting to reach out and touch her. Her other hand rests on top of the covers just above him and she can feel his solid need for her through the material. She knows she has to make the first move.

Her hand goes beneath the covers and gently touches him between the legs. He is naked.

He closes his eyes.

"I need you," he admits as he feels her hand take him, feels her fingers wrap around his cock, feels her stroking him, and he bites his lip again.

They sit quietly whilst she strokes him, and then she moves so she can look at him. Her hand comes away and she pushes the hair from his face. He looks at her, his eyes wide and trusting, and she bends and kisses him, feeling him respond. He takes her hand and places it back on his cock, encouraging her to move up and down, and she starts to rub again. He moans into her mouth and then when the kiss has finished he pulls away.

She is worried about frightening him away. This is the first time he has been brave enough to ask for her, brave enough to admit he wants her. She has watched him, seen how he looks at her when he thinks she is not looking. He is so unlike the second personality. He doesn't know how to take.

She is not sure how to proceed. Does she lead or let him lead? "How? How do you want me?" she asks eventually, and he closes his eyes for a moment. There is something there, she can see it.

There is something he wants her to do.

"Tell me." She keeps her voice quiet, gentle.

He looks at her, blushes, and then looks away again.

"Tell me, please," she stops rubbing him but doesn't remove her hand. She doesn't want him to think she is pushing him away.

His mouth opens as he tries to breathe. He wants to tell her so badly what he wants her to do.

"I..." he swallows.

She needs to help him.

She moves away slightly and pulls her nightdress up and over her head and drops it on the floor. Then she moves so he can see her, so that he can touch her and he does. He reaches out to feel how soft her skin is.

"Tell me. Tell me what you want me to do...do you want me to hold you?" She touches his cock again and he shakes his head no. Then he looks at her and gently reaches up and runs his fingers over her lips and then down her throat to her breast. He hesitates but then runs his fingers over her nipple and it hardens. "Think of how you want me and tell me what I'm doing." She swallows as he strokes her, her body reacting to his touch.

She wants him as much as he wants her. There are times when this personality looks so like James it crushes her, makes her breathless.

He looks up, into her eyes.

"What am I doing?" she asks again.

"You're on your knees," he says.

She studies him and then smiles, takes his hand. She slips out of the bed and encourages him to sit on the edge. She can feel him trembling as if he has never been with a woman before.

She kneels in front of him. "Like this?" she asks and he nods, those beautiful eyes watching in disbelief. She leans forward and kisses his forehead, then moves to his mouth, and he runs his hand down her arm brushing the knuckles against her breast. He feels her intake of breath as he does. She moves forwards slightly, pushing him gently back. Then she bends and runs her tongue over the top of his cock and he forgets to breathe. He is staring at her mouth, at what she is doing. He is hard, so hard that it hurts.

She looks up at him. "Is this what you would like me to do?"

He can't talk, only nod, and then without thinking he takes some of her hair in his metal hand and winds it around, feeling the softness against the cold metal plating.

She bends her head back down and he feels her take him into her mouth. He watches as her lips caress him. He feels as he slides down the back of her throat. He has wanted this for so long, dreamt about it at night whilst she lay sleeping next to him. He moans as he feels her tongue, as he feels her suck him, and his other hand moves to the back of her neck. Almost as if he is afraid she will stop.

"Please," he whispers.

He can see the shadow of her breasts, remembers just now how he felt the nipple harden in his hand.

"Oh God," he moans again and can't help but start to move, to push himself so he is as deep as he can go. He closes his eyes and concentrates on her soft wet mouth, the feel of her throat, her heat, how she is also stroking his balls.

He feels the heat rising in him, deep down, coming up, pushing itself out of him and then he explodes in her mouth, crying out aloud. Feels his semen run down her throat, feels her tongue still sucking him, feels her hand still on him, feels himself still pushing into her mouth, and still he keeps going again and again until he feels he is empty, feels he has reached a peak that this personality didn't know existed.

She doesn't pull away, not until she is sure he has finished, not until she is sure he is sated. When she does, she does so slowly, still gently using her tongue, still stroking him until he starts to soften, and then she sits back on her heels looking at him.

The look in her eyes telling him it is all right.

He can look at her now, take in her face, her eyes. He sees such a deep love for him that he wants to never stop touching her. She smiles and gets up moving to use the bathroom because she doesn't want him to smell himself on her breath.

"I won't be a moment," she says and he nods.

He lies back in the bed, closing his eyes, thinking about what she just did. He feels a sense of peace because he realises she cares __about__ him, and not just __for__ him.

But the voice hasn't finished with him yet. It is back. It whispers insidiously. "You felt her skin, so soft, you heard her moan. You need to please her now. See how her eyes turn to liquid." He feels himself hardening again, feels his heart begin to beat faster.

"Don't you want to be inside her?" The voice whispers.

When she comes out of the bathroom he is kneeling on the bed, the covers pulled back, and he is watching her. She hesitates. He holds out his hand and she comes forward. He doesn't say anything, just pulls her onto the bed, slowly running his fingers over her throat, down to her breasts, leaning forward to kiss her. He is more confident now. He feels her respond and he pushes her back gently and then starts to kiss down her throat. Then, kissing her left breast whilst his right hand roams her body, he hears her gasp. He is fully hard again, wants to please her, wants to hear her moan. His hand moves down, fingers trailing until he lets them slip between her legs and he hears her breathing hitch. He can feel the thud of her heart. His fingers find their way into her. She is wet. He kisses her stomach, her navel, and lower until he is knelt between her legs, pushing them wider and trailing his tongue across the patch of hair to where his fingers are.

"Oh God," he hears her whisper, feels her hand run through his hair and she opens her legs wider as his fingers open her to let his tongue explore. The taste of her, the softness. She is so wet. He gently sucks on her labia, listens to the moans he elicits. His own heart is beating faster and his balls ache again with the need to be inside her.

"Please..." he hears her moan and looks up. "Please come inside me...please."

And he moves so he is able to push his cock inside.

"Deeper," she begs, and he moves. He leans forward, slips his metal arm under her and pulls her up, using their hands to steady himself. She slides onto him and he is as deep as he can ever go. He is knelt, he is inside her, and she is knelt over him with her arms wrapped around him, small whimpers coming from her throat.

"I'm not hurting you, am I?" he whispers, concerned.

She can't speak, her eyes are huge, her lips parted, and she shakes her head no. She pulls back so that she can look at him, and slowly starts to move up and down on him.

Then she leans forward and kisses him, her tongue moving into his mouth whilst her hands hold his head and her fingers wind into his hair. When she breaks the kiss he moves her back slightly and bends to kiss her breasts.

They are now moving in unison, small moans coming from them both, climaxes building. He watches as his cock slides in and out of her, glistening with her wetness and he can hardly breathe.

She leans back even further and he sees her hair falling in a stream down her back and his right hand clenches a handful of it. He loves her hair so much. The feel of it. He can feel his balls tightening, feel that very soon he is going to let go of himself and flood her.

"Please," she moans once more and he sucks her breast, gently teasing it with his teeth, and she cries out. He feels her muscles clenching around him hard, feels the change inside her, the flush of heat that encompasses her whole body. Her eyes close, her body arches back and he lets himself go and they both come.

She moves forward and holds him tightly. She is breathless and he feels her heart still thudding. He holds her just as tightly. He think he hears her say a name but he is not sure, her voice was so quiet.

He doesn't need to say anything.

He moves back and they lay down facing each other then he takes her into his arms and holds her close. They fall asleep exhausted but for once both feeling relaxed, fulfilled.

"I told you, she belongs to us," he hears the voice whisper before sleep takes him.


	24. Chapter 24 - Finding The Constant

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Twenty-Four: Hydra & The Nurse - Finding The Constant****

It has taken a long time but you have finally gotten everyone to take you for granted. Even Lehmann to a certain degree. When you are in the room, no-one holds back when they discuss The Winter Soldier Project. That is what they call the patient. The Winter Soldier.

Zola is well aware that two different personalities have set themselves up inside the patient's mind. The first personality is quiet, unassuming, docile, needy; he is the one who didn't want the metal arm, the one who tried to destroy it. Whilst they think of him as being afraid, they also know he is no coward. He doesn't remember anything, is easily confused, doesn't know why he is here. They can trust this one to the ends of the earth.

Then there is the second. He is cruel, vicious. His temper is nasty, and he is violent. What scares them the most though is his cunning. He is not stupid. They cannot trust this one at all; he is too unpredictable.

It has taken a while to perfect the cryogenic freezing but it now works and they have been running tests on the patient.

The tests are not going smoothly.

There is nothing wrong with the process, but there _ _is__ something wrong with the patient.

They have tried the cryo-freeze several times and each time the patient has come out of it as violent, unhinged. They are unable to control him and need to sedate him straight away. This throws off their readings; they cannot progress any further. They need to be able to control him. They are closer than ever to perfecting the technology they will use to wipe his mind, and the fact there are two personalities is causing more problems than initially thought.

They cannot even say for definite that it is the second personality in charge when he awakens because what he says is unintelligible. He is a man possessed, and anything or anyone in the vicinity is in serious danger. Lehmann tries to explain it to Zola: you cannot talk with him, there is no reasoning with him. This one is totally insane. Eventually, each time with heavy sedation the first personality comes around and is all that is left.

The problem is this can take hours to happen.

Zola cannot understand it. What is so wrong with his work? He knows the Americans had never had this problem with Rogers. He has checked and rechecked his findings, the machinery, his calculations. He feels that they need something in place for when he is awakened: something constant, something that will ground him, calm him, make him theirs. Once they have that out of the way they can then work on bringing the two personalities together.

Zola turns his back on the arguing doctors and looks through the glass panel, into the main room. The patient is in the master chair. It is important that they use the chair as much as possible as it has been designed specifically with him in mind – or, Zola thinks, specifically __for__ his mind.

The patient is strapped in. Sedation has been used but Zola can see even now the patient is testing the bindings on his wrists. He was awoken two hours ago, and still isn't calm enough to be allowed to return to his room. They need the other personality for that; the quiet pliable one.

Zola knows they cannot go any further until he can solve this problem. How can he join both the personalities together so that they work as one? What could bind them together to make the perfect soldier? More importantly, how can they regain control of him when he is first out of cryo-freeze?

It is just one problem after another.

He is __missing__ something.

They run tests daily. They have put him in cryo-freeze seven times, each time for longer and then brought him back out with success for his physical form. But his mind is different. Crazed and such anger. So dangerous that they cannot allow him to remain awake, so dangerous he has caused such serious damage to both personnel and equipment.

Zola turns back and ask them to run the tapes again.

He is thinking about Doctor Lehmann, and the idea Lehmann broached with him about moving the young nurse into the same room as the patient. He doesn't know that Lehmann has already gone ahead and authorised it; he doesn't know there is only one bed. Zola is not totally convinced as to why it has been requested, but then he was not attacked by the patient...and Lehmann has no wish to share the experience with anyone.

A movement catches his eye, and he sees the nurse entering the room. Lehmann only allows her in for short periods of time; Zola doesn't understand Lehmann's reluctance to use her on the project. He had only returned to base this morning and had noticed the bruise on her cheek, the paleness of her skin, the slight tremble in her hands. He had asked her about it. Her hand had immediately flown to her cheek and she told him she had walked into one of the heavy lamps in the main room.

He has his doubts.

He knows how violent the second personality can be, and doesn't understand why the nurse would lie to him. He realises he is losing sight of parts of the project...but then that is what he wanted, wasn't it? For someone else to take on the full responsibility, to be the Winter Soldier's handler so Zola could turn his mind to other projects, to their other plans for a better future.

And he had thought that someone else should be Lehmann.

In front of Zola is the report of one of the first awakenings, when the patient killed the doctor as he was coming around. Before they knew what to expect. The patient had been insane with anger, and it had taken five guards to take him down. The night before that, another dead body had been reported: a guard was found early in the morning. He had been the one who had been guarding the patient's room. Strangled, windpipe squashed flat. They had gone into the room, expecting the patient to be missing - but no, he was there, fast asleep. He was groggy when they woke him. He didn't seem to know what they were talking about when they questioned him about the guard. Zola thinks about getting cameras installed in the corridors. He remembers grudgingly that this is yet another thing Lehmann has requested and is right about.

He looks at Lehmann, now arguing with Jakobs. Zola realises again he isn't being kept in the loop. There are too many inconsistencies. He really is losing sight of the project. Again he wonders why the young nurse is being moved into the same room as the patient. A thought, an idea buzzes through his mind, but he is tired and doesn't quite catch it. Then the tapes are rolling. He cleans his glasses and settles down to see if they can see where they are going wrong.

Each tape shows the same scene. The patient is placed into the master chair after being brought out of cryo-freeze. He is unconscious. They always strap him down now and the straps are strong, not even he can break them. They do not want a repeat of the first incident. They administer the drug to bring him around, and Zola notices how everyone steps back and how the soldiers grip their guns.

It takes a few minutes and the patient comes around and tries to rise up and get out of the chair. He is looking around the room, teeth bared, his eyes wild and cunning, and he reminds Zola of a captured animal. Most of what he says is lost but his whole body shows what he means: he will kill them all if he gets the chance. The look in the patient's eyes makes Zola's blood run cold. Pure and utter madness. If he gets free he won't just kill, he will tear them apart. There is no reasoning with him, no way of getting through to him.

Then, on this tape, Zola notices something for the first time and he leans forward. "Wait, wait, run that again." They rewind the tape by two minutes and he watches it again, then again, slowed down.

"There... there..." They stop the tape.

The patient has caught sight of something and Zola can see his eyes have widened, and he watches the patient slowly sit back in the chair. He is still angry, still dangerous, but there is a difference coming over him. Zola gets them to play each tape and on most of the tapes they see it. Something happens and starts to trigger a reaction. It is there each time constantly, consistently. Up until now it was assumed it was the sedation taking effect but now it seems to be more than that. They can see that he sees something but not what it is.

It is only missing on two of the tapes, awakenings so violent they used elephant-grade sedative to knock the patient out. The only problem is they don't know what caused it. What is it that the patient sees that starts to calm him? That starts to allow the first personality to come through? Whatever it is it happens on the other side of the room, and because the cameras are trained on the patient they have not captured it.

Zola stands and looks through the window again. The doctors are all talking, all trying to guess. Could it just be the sedative? Does he notice how nervous the guards are and resigns himself to defeat? Zola knows that is not the reason; whenever the patient sees the nervousness of the guards he grins, a horrible thin-lipped smile. He would gladly take them all on and win. That smile is the smile of nightmares. All of their hard work, all of __his__ hard work to be rewarded with what? A soldier that does not take orders, a soldier that is so unbalanced he cannot be used, cannot be trained, will not submit to authority because the madness in him is too unbalanced?

Zola watches through the glass. The nurse is bending over her patient, and he sees her brush away some of the hair that has fallen over his face. He is sedated and fighting it all the way, but he reacts to her hand, to her voice, and his shoulders relax.

 _ _Lord she is brave__ he thinks. It reminds him of the fairy tale, __Beauty and the Beast.__

And then an idea comes in to his mind.

He remembers reading something about the nurse, and he goes back to the mass of paperwork lying on the table and searches through it for her details. She was brought in when they had realised they needed a translator because she spoke English. But, he sees in the file, she wasn't with the project from its inception. He is about to close her file when he sees someone has added something to the file and he turns more pages towards the back. As he reads it he smiles and gets up, holding the piece of paper in his hand.

He looks back out at her as she tends her patient.

He rereads the information. Doctor Jakobs wrote the report. He says in it that the new English speaking nurse is a bonus as it has been noticed that Barnes responds to her. He is calmer when she is there, takes notice, and tries to do what she says. Doctor Jakobs doesn't just think it is just because she speaks Barnes' language but he believes she has formed an attachment of some type with the American, and the American with her.

"Beauty and the beast," Zola murmurs. He turns back to the doctors. "Play the tapes again. I want to see if the nurse is in any of them."

She is. In the five where the patient reacts to something out of sight on the screen, a few seconds later the camera catches her moving forward to tend her patient.

He turns to Lehmann. "Tell me again why you want to move this young lady in with the patient," he says.

Before Lehmann can answer, Doctor Jakobs leans forward. "She already has. She's been sharing a room with him for two weeks now."

Zola looks at Lehmann. "What? Why?"

"Because we find he is calmer when she is with him, that's all. It's nothing to make a fuss about," he says, glancing at Jakobs.

"Well gentlemen, we may have found our answer."

Lehmann sits forward, and Zola sees realisation dawn in his eyes as he sees what Zola has seen and swears. "Thats not a good idea. I really do not want that young lady used any further in the project than we have to." He cannot tell them about the deal he has with the patient; yet if he had, maybe they would have realised sooner. The patient had said he wanted her there all the time. Lehmann had thought he just meant at night, but now he is beginning to see they were talking about two different things. She is not there all the time, she is not there when he is awakened from cryo-freeze. The patient thinks Lehmann has broken his promise, and so the Winter Soldier has broken his. He will not co-operate with them.

 _ _What even Lehmann fails to realise is the need that both personalties have for their nurse. She quietens the fear and the rage, the utter panic of waking and finding he doesn't know where he is, who anyone is. The thought that she has left him alone. He needs her presence more than Lehmann and Zola will ever know. She is the only thing he remembers, the only thing of comfort.__

"But you yourself have asked that we consider her sharing a room with the patient. In fact, I believe Doctor Jakobs has just said she is __already__ sharing a room."

"She is too loyal to Barnes." Zola frowns at the tone of Lehmann's voice; he is frustrated he cannot make them see what a bad idea it will be.

"But Barnes has gone," Zola shrugs.

"You said you felt the answer was to have something __constant__ in his life, something from the beginning. She isn't, and you're grasping at straws. She joined the project far too late." It is a weak excuse but Lehmann is determined not to give an inch where she is concerned. "It just would not work. There has to be another solution to this!" Lehmann is adamant and Zola looks at him, his mind working.

The others doctors are silent - watching the argument.

"She knew him before," Jakobs says quietly. Lehmann turns to look at him as if he has suddenly spoken in a foreign language. "What?!"

Jakobs ignores Lehmann and focuses on Zola. "She knew him before he came to us from the interrogation centre," he says.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Lehmann turns to Zola. "Armin, he just doesn't want to see us get rid of her! He has always had a soft spot for her, the fool."

Zola studies Jakobs. They have known each other a long time, but he has seen Jakobs fondness for the nurse.

"She nursed him when he was in the field hospital. The one the patrol took him to when he was first found," Jakobs adds.

"How? How do you know this?" Zola asks.

"She told me."

"And you didn't think to share this with me...with us!" Lehmann explodes, but Zola holds up a hand to calm him.

"That would have been just after he fell from the train," he says. "And so he __has__ known her from the beginning."

Jakobs nods and sits back. Lehmann throws himself into his chair. He will talk to Jakobs later, remind him of who is actually in charge of this facility.

"Well gentlemen, I think we have found our... _ _Constant,__ don't you?"

But there was too much at stake to assume that they were right. They were scientists and doctors. They need proof. They need to know that this will work.

Without telling her anything, they make sure that she is sat there next to him the next three times he is bought out of cryo-freeze. Each time they ensure that she is in his line of sight when he is brought around, and each time he sees her and his anger is reduced to the point that they didn't even need restraints in the last test. She places her hand over his, and before his eyes open she would talk to him, tell him everything was all right, tell him what was happening.

Such a small thing to cause such a different reaction.

She was always with him when they encased him in the metal pod, so they told her it made sense for her to be there when he woke. Each time she would be the last thing he saw and the first thing he saw when he came around.

It worked.

As the experiments continued, it became the norm for her to be sat next to him.

The final test they try shows there is absolutely no harm in him whatsoever.

 **...**

Now the work could begin in earnest. But first, they need to introduce her to the world of cryo freezing. To be his Constant, she would be needed each and every time he was bought around, and she needed to be as he remembered her.

That meant when he was frozen...she would need to be as well.

It was decided not to tell her at first in case she had a bad reaction to the drugs, and therefore the freezing process would not work on her.

Jakobs knew it was because Lehmann hoped she would be incompatible.

They began to add things to her food and drink. She began to feel unwell. They would drug her, and whilst unconscious would do tests. She felt even more unwell. She found she started to suffer from black outs, she would lose time. She began to worry and spoke to Stefan. He could not tell her what he knew, and for the first time he began to worry about who he was becoming down here in the dark.

After the first week of it happening, she grew more and more panicked. What if she was suffering with something that might harm her patient?

It got to the point that she took the matter into her own hands and sought out Zola.

He listened patiently as she told him she felt she was ill and should be removed from the project. Her care for the patient astounded him. She knew that if she was no longer of use to them it would mean her death...but still she was honest with him, which made him sure he had chosen well.

"What if I have one of these black outs when I'm with him?" She fretted.

One of the things she mentioned startled Zola, although he was careful not to show it. She told him that when she first became unwell, when she first felt nauseous, she feared she might be pregnant. But that she now felt for certain she wasn't. This was news to him. Whilst he knew they had a room together, he had not thought about the sleeping arrangements.

How long had she been sleeping with their patient and why hadn't he been told?

He decided she had been through enough worry, and he told her the truth. That she was not ill. They had been experimenting on her, she was needed for the next part of the project. He asked if was she prepared to go forward to them? He told her their findings, told her she was to be the Winter Soldier's Constant. She wept, and when Zola asked her why she was crying she told him it was because she thought they were going to make her leave him.

She was totally honest with him. "Without him, my life would be over."

 _ _Maybe__ he thought to himself, __she is as mad as our patient is__.

Zola explains to her what her new future would be. Each time the patient was put into cryo-freeze she would follow suit. She would then be woken so each time he was woken for a mission she would be there. Her whole life would be the patient. Her future was this patient. She had always said she would never leave him and now she has been taken at her word.

She agreed. He knew she would. As she got up to leave he smiled.

"Hail Hydra!" he said.

Zola had looked at her waiting for her reply. He saw her swallow, her whole mouth was dry, he could see she doesn't want to say the words, they stick in her throat.

"Hail Hydra," she says, the words wanting to choke her.

 **...**

Later, he questioned Doctor Lehmann more about her current duties and was angry when he found what had been kept from him. At first Lehmann assumed it was because of what the nurse had been forced into, but he soon discovered it was something else that had Zola worried. Something he had not considered.

What if she did become pregnant by the patient? They could not, and would not, allow the patient to breed. That would clash with Hydra's vision of a perfect world.

"Leave it with me. I will sort it out." Lehmann had promised.

 **...**

Director Lehmann has been busy. He has had new uniforms issued to the medical staff; the doctors have brand new sets of white coats with the red logo stitched on the shoulders. Stefan has new sets of whites again with the designs.

You now have a new set of clothes: sensible blouses and skirts. But you do notice a difference. None of your clothes carry the Hydra symbol. Lehmann is letting you know he still doesn't fully trust or accept you, and he is letting the others know you are not Hydra. You are not to be fully trusted by anyone. You are advised to retain your nurses uniforms as there may still be days when you are needed to help out medically wise.

 **...**

You return to your room, the room you now share with the Winter Soldier. It is your last official day as the Winter Soldier's nurse. Tomorrow you become something else to him. Something that, in truth, you have already become.

The door is locked every night at 9pm until 7am the next morning. Two guards will patrol. They are only to enter if there is a problem with the patient. They are under strict orders not to help you if you cry out. If you are being hurt they have been told to turn a blind eye, something some of them find difficult when the second personality is in charge and they hear your pain.

There is an steel opening they can lower in the door to check everything is all right, and they do so every two hours. The second personality has used you. He is always hungry, always eager to show you that you now belong to him. The first personality is gentle, was shocked at first when you stayed with him and slept close to you, sometimes even falling asleep in your arms. But then one night he woke you, brave enough to show you he needed you. His love making is so much different to the second personality, kind and gentle. You saw shades of James in him and that made you want him with such a passion that you lost yourself that night.

As you close the door you see him sat in the dark. There is no danger. You can sense a peace about him and you know you are safe. The light streams in from under the door and you move to switch a small lamp on. He doesn't stop you but when you straighten up he is behind you and his arms encircle your waist, he kisses the back of your neck and goosebumps run down your arms. Your breath hitches.

His hands come up and remove your belt and then he starts to undo the buttons on your nurses uniform. You don't make any move to stop him, just close your eyes and lean back against him. When it is open all the way he starts to caress your skin which is flushed from the heat he is causing, and you truly don't want him to stop.

His hands move to your shoulders and he slips the dress over them and moves your bra strap down so he can kiss the soft smooth skin there. He is so gentle. One hand now strokes your stomach and moves down between your legs. You move slightly so he can slide his fingers over the fabric of your underwear and he can feel the outline of you and he groans quietly, you are wet, very wet.

Then as if he cannot stand it any longer he turns you around, you see his eyes, so hungry, but so needy.

Your dress slips to the floor and his arms now encircle you again and he kisses you as if he is drowning and needs your breath for his own. You respond and press your whole body against his. Your tongue explores his and your hands run over and under the tee shirt he has on. You pull back and, pulling the material up, you remove his shirt, being careful not to catch it on any of the metal plates. You run your fingers across the those plates and then lean forward and kiss each of the points of the red star.

You love the feel of his skin. You run the back of your hand down across his chest and then undo his trousers. Your hand slips inside and runs the length of his erection and he pushes against your hand. You pull his trousers and shorts down. He tries to help you but you stop him, and he is then standing there naked.

You look at him, his long brown hair falling across his face as he watches you. You run your hand over his cheek; he needs a shave, and his eyes, you could drown in those eyes, the long lashes framing them. Whilst you are watching him you run your hand up the length of his shaft again and he stays your hand at the top, you see him take a deep breath. He tries to smile at you, it is something that happens so rarely. You know you would do anything him. You realise even like this he is James Barnes, still part of him.

He lets you move your hand away and you then take hold of his left hand, the metal warming at your touch. You bring it to your lips, open the palm and kiss it, then one by one you take the metallic fingers into your mouth and caress them with your tongue. He stands there watching you and you know he has forgotten to breathe. Once you have done each finger you kiss the palm again and then let his hand go.

You reach up to remove your bra but he stops you when you go to remove your pants. Instead he kneels on one knee and hooking his fingers into the side of them he slowly slides them down and then off, lifting first your right foot then your left. Then he leans forward and kisses your stomach, moving slowly down and using his tongue to explore you. It is your turn now to forget to breathe, you want to feel his tongue, to feel him explore you. You wrap your fingers in his hair and can't help but moan, spasms running through your body. You nearly lose yourself in the sensation but you want to feel him inside you, want to taste him and he senses the change and releases you.

You move to the bed sitting him down, his erection is huge and you kneel before him. You take him in your mouth and your hand encircles his balls and gently massages, you hear his gasp. You run your tongue up and down the length of him and then very gently your teeth, you hear him draw in his breath.

"No, not yet," he says, so close to losing it.

You both move back onto the bed and he slowly covers you with his body and kisses your mouth, you can taste each other on your lips. He kisses you and then works his way down your throat, his hand running over your breast, his thumb gently caressing your nipple and you grip and guide him into you, your legs circling the back of his to draw him in as deep as he can go.

You want him so desperately. There is no hate in him at all, no wanting to cause you pain, and he drives himself as deep as he can to feel your softness. As he builds his rhythm you grip his buttocks, then his back, the heat inside you both makes you sweat. He lifts himself, he likes to see you when you come and you allow him to. When he is gentle like this you love to see the look in his eyes, the way he looks at you, you are so sure at those times you can see he loves you. You only doubt afterwards, when the second personality returns to take that thought away from you.

You want to call him by his name but you can't; at this stage it would cause him too much damage, he doesn't know who James is, you bite your lip to stop yourself and instead you can't help but moan. His rhythm increases and his eyes never leave yours. You close your eyes and arch up into him, you want your bodies to meld into one and as you come, in your mind, you do call his name and you feel his arms holding you. The sensation rides over you and you open your eyes and watch as he allows himself to climax. Those beautiful eyes of his go liquid and close, his whole body taut, he holds you so tight and his breathing seems to stop. Then he lets go and you are sure you hear your name on his lips. You hold him as he shudders into you, knowing he is so deep inside you.

You don't want him to move. You reach up and brush the hair away from his eyes and your hand traces his lips and he bends to kiss you. Then holding onto you he gently moves you both onto your sides, looking at each other, he is still inside you. You are both so close.

"They promised you are really mine, they said you are my Constant," his voice is quiet, he then tries to smile again. That smile breaks your heart every time.

"I am. I will always be here for you no matter what happens," you tell him and then you feel the tenseness in his body relax and he moves back. You think he is getting ready to leave you so you go to move but he stops you.

"No," there is a very slight panic in his voice. He is just getting comfortable that is all, he isn't ready to let you go yet. You move together so you are now held in his arms then you listen as his breathing slows and he falls asleep. It doesn't take long but you fall asleep too.

For a short time you are both at peace.


	25. Chapter 25 - Ghosts of Christmas

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Twenty-Five:Ghosts of Christmas Past & Future.****

 _ _'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro' the house__  
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;  
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,  
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;  
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,  
While visions of sugar plums danc'd in their heads.

 **'Twas the night before Christmas – 1939**

Only these two young men are not sleeping.

Steve is staying with the Barnes family for Christmas. The rest of the family are asleep, leaving Steve and Bucky alone in the living room where they usually slept together when Steve stays over.

The room is cosy. The only light is from the fire, which is starting to die down for the night, but they can still feel the warmth from it and see the glow of the flames reflected in the baubles on the Christmas tree. The reflection makes it look like it is covered with small glowing lights. They can hear the gentle snoring of Mr Barnes upstairs, and because of that they are not sure if Mrs Barnes is asleep yet. Bucky's younger brothers are fast asleep. They are still young enough to be excited by Christmas and they had vowed they would never be able to sleep...but the moment their heads touched the pillow they were.

The young men are lying on the floor, Steve lying one way and Bucky lying the other, creating a T. Bucky's head is resting on Steve's midriff. They are talking quietly and listening to music coming quietly from the radio. The fire crackles as a log shifts.

Steve can smell the pine from the Christmas tree and he is listening to Bucky talk about the future in a hushed tone. They are both are sleepy. He doesn't think he has ever been so comfortable in his life.

Bucky rolls over onto his front so that he is now looking at Steve; looking at those blue eyes, the blond hair falling over his forehead, and he can't help but smile.

Steve smiles back. "What are you grinning at?" he asks. His eyes are sleepy.

"You," Bucky replies, and he scoots forward so he can very gently kiss Steve on the lips. One of Steve's hands is resting on his chest, the other by his side, but now he gently pulls Bucky closer and returns the kiss.

Bucky pulls away. "Hey. Where do you think we will be this time next year?" he asks suddenly, and Steve shrugs, knowing it will annoy Bucky. After all, they have tentatively made plans for the rest of their lives together.

"Who knows? I mean where will we be in five years time...in __ten__?" Steve replies, wanting to tease him... but instead he sees Bucky shiver, and sees a frown appear on Bucky's face.

"You okay?" he asks.

"I think someone just walked over my grave," he replies, trying to shake off the awful feeling that made him shiver, and to forget the knot of apprehension that tightened in his stomach. Instead he grins mischievously at Steve, bringing his hand up and slipping it under Steve's shirt. He slides it down across his stomach, watching Steve swallow and his hand continues until it slips under the waist band of Steve's trousers.

"Buck..." Steve tries to say, and Bucky shakes his head, still grinning, knowing the effect he is having on Steve.

"Wish you'd learn when to shut up," he says, bowing his head to kiss Steve once more and he moves his hand down, smiling again when he can feel the Steve's solid reaction to him.

"Oh Christ Buck, you're going to be the death of me," Steve groans and Bucky moves back to look at him.

"Language, Rogers," he says, laughing softly, as his hand takes Steve in a firm grip and he watches Steve's eyes close and his mouth open.

On the radio the music has finished and the announcer is moving onto the story for the night, a Christmas Story; he allows his voice to drop, and says, " _ _Twas the night before Christmas__ ," and then allows the story to run. " __Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that."__

But by now the young men are not listening. They are too wrapped up in each other.

 **...**

The next morning is pandemonium in the Barnes' household. The boys are so excited that even Steve and Bucky cannot help but be infected despite their age. Winifred is in the kitchen, trying to prepare the feast they will have at lunchtime. Steve has already helped her with the vegetables whilst Bucky plays out in the front of the house with his brothers. It had snowed early in the week and was still cold with flurries. Everyone is wrapped up warm and sledding down the road, neighbours are out and the scene is one of peace.

Bucky leaves his brothers playing and comes back into the house, stamping the snow off his boots and taking of his coat, but before he can finish his father - George - stops him.

"Oh no you don't! You promised your mother you would bring in the wood for the fire." And before Bucky moans good-naturedly his father raises his eyebrows.

Steve overhears. "I'll help," he says, already shrugging on his jacket. He can see Bucky is going to say no, he doesn't want Steve catching cold, but Bucky himself recognises the look in Steve's eyes and so he relents. The two of them trudge outside to the back garden where the wood is stacked under an over-hang of the house. The Barneses live in a small property a few blocks away from Steve in a slightly more prosperous area. Winifred had inherited a small amount from her parents which with that, and savings, allowed for the down payment when they moved in. The house is just about big enough for them and had an added bonus when they bought it - room for George to build a garage for his beloved car. They also have a small yard out back where the boys can run around, letting of steam.

Bucky and Steve trudge over the snow to the over-hang and Bucky gets Steve to stand still, arms held up so he can carry the wood Bucky piles on his forearms. George can see them from the kitchen window. __Those two,__ he thinks, __always talking, always together.__

He can't hear what they are saying but he watches as his son reaches up and with the back of his hand runs his fingers down Steve's cheek. It is an intensely intimate gesture and George frowns. No. He must be imaging it...but then he sees the look on both the young men's face and he realises he isn't.

Winifred realises George has gone quiet. She turns to look at him and sees his frown and comes over to see what he is looking at out of the window. All she can see is Steve and Bucky trudging back through the snow carrying wood.

"George? What is it? Whats wrong?" But all he does is shake his head. Winifred loves her husband, knows him better than anyone else. Something has disturbed him. He turns around and leans against the sink, crossing his arms but as he is about to speak the door opens and both Bucky and Steve come trudging in laughing and George falls quiet.

The young men do not notice the quietness in the kitchen. They have taken off their boots and are now struggling out of their coats. Winifred looks at George but he is staring at the floor. The set of his shoulders tells her he is not amused by something.

"Okay you two, next job. Upstairs, tidy up the mess left by your brothers opening their stockings would you" and she pushes the two out into the hallway and waits to hear them run up the stairs. She wants the house to have some resemblance of tidiness before they eat and then open the presents under the tree.

She closes the kitchen door and approaches her husband.

"George?"

George is someone who does not wear his emotions on his sleeve but it would not occur to him to not share his problems with his wife. "Those two." He is feeling angry, feeling mixed up. He can't be right but he knows he is...deep down he knows. "Their goddamn... they're two..." He swings his head back and forth a gesture Winifred has seen her son do so many times. The two of them are so alike.

"They're what?" she asks gently although she thinks she has guessed.

"They're damn...you know. My son is...a fairy." And there is such bewilderment mixed in with the anger that Winifred tries not to smile. But George sees and it fuels the flames further.

"You think this is funny?" His voice is loud and she shushes him, tells him to keep his voice down. "He's...a fruit, they're a couple of __fairies__ , they're...queer. Jesus!" And he looks up at the ceiling with his teeth gritted. A few more words come to mind but he knows he doesn't have to say them, he knows his wife has understood what he is saying.

Then he looks back down at her. "What the hell! How did it happen? It must be that Rogers, my son would never..." And he shakes his head again.

"Would never what?"

He gestures with his hand. "You know. Would never..." And now Winifred can see the red in George's cheeks, see the anger in him. "When did it happen? For God's sake it must have been staring me in the face! What do I tell my friends when they find out? Jesus. I'll never live this down. A fruitcake for a son, jeez...what the hell did I do to deserve this, what..."

"George Barnes!"

Winifred's voice is firm and hard, and it is a tone George has hardly ever heard before. She moves closer to him rests her hand on his arms, which are still folded. She keeps her voice low. She doesn't want them to hear upstairs. "He is still the same young man he was when he got up this morning, still the same young man who helps you with your car, who you held in your arms when he was born..."

"He's a fucking queer!" George's whisper is run through with anger.

"So what?" Winifred says calmly.

"What do you mean __so what__? What the hell are we going to do?!"

Winifred lets her hand drop and takes a step back. "I tell you what __you__ are going to do, George, because there is only __one__ thing you _ _can__ do. You can decide if you still love him, if he is still your son, if you want him to still be in your life. That is the only thing you __can__ do."

George looks at her. "You knew? Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"I only suspected, George. And...he's our son. James is __our__ son."

She looks at him once more and then turns and picks up her apron and puts it on. She has work to do.

 **...**

Lunch is a noisy affair; everyone talking and nobody noticing how quiet George is. Winifred involves him in the conversations, and for her sake he joins in...but he cannot look at either Bucky or Steve.

George and Winifred leave the boys to clear up, only once hearing a crash from the kitchen. But their conversation is more important. She sits next to her husband.

"By this time next year we could be at war with what is happening in Europe, you said so yourself. James is old enough to fight, and you know he will. You know he will join up the minute he can. We could have lost him already."

George can hear the tears in her voice and he bends to kiss her forehead. "I know. I know! I hear you! But...for God's sake, he dates girls!" The exasperation in Georges voice makes her smile.

The door bangs open and the younger boys come in, excited and burbling. Steve and Bucky follow them. Winifred makes to get up but George stops her and stands up himself.

"Okay! So who's for presents?" He does a false Father Christmas laugh and moves to the tree.

Three sets of hand go up. "Me, me, me!" three sets of voice holler. Bucky and Steve laugh at the boy's excitement and sit on the floor in front of the sofa with Winifred and George begins to hand the presents out.

Steve looks around the room. He loves it here. He loves the warmth, the family, and most of all he loves Bucky. When George hands him a present he is surprised - even more so when another two are handed to him. He sits and opens them with the others. He himself slipped a few small gifts under the tree when the family were not looking; they are not much, handkerchiefs for Mrs Barnes, a pair of socks for Mr Barnes, and chocolate for the boys. But it is the gift for Bucky he is most excited with.

He opens his present from Mr and Mrs Barnes and finds they have bought him a new pair of shoes. Winifred leans forward and puts her hand on his shoulder. "Because if you try and stuff any more paper in those old ones of yours there's not going to be any room left for your feet," she says, smiling, and tightens her grip slightly when she sees he is close to tears.

He doesn't know what to say.

Winifred smiles again and leans back to open her presents. She has seen the holes in Steve's shoes, seen how he stuffs newspaper in them to block out the cold and wet. A few months ago she had taken one of the shoes and drawn around it to try and work out the size. Steve is so small, so delicate, and she wanted to get it right. She has.

Steve's second package has thick socks in it. He tries to thank her but doesn't feel his words are enough and so he stands up awkwardly and gives her a hug. Bucky pulls at him to sit back down and open his final present.

The third present is from Bucky and he stares at it in wonder. It is a leather bound sketch book and a tin of expensive colouring pencils. "That's you on the front," Bucky whispers to him. The drawing on the front of the pencil tin shows a young blond man sketching.

"You cant give me these!" Steve exclaims. "They must have cost a fortune!" Bucky smiles at him and for a moment there is only the two of them, until one of the younger boys whoops in delight at his present and is soon dive bombing the two young men with a tin plane, breaking the moment. But not before Winifred has seen George pick up on their look. Internally she despairs. What if her husband cannot accept the two men's relationship? She couldn't bear it.

"Open yours," Steve says, gesturing to the small gift he had haphazardly wrapped for Bucky. Bucky picks up the parcel and unwraps it. Steve thinks for one awful moment Bucky is going to burst into tears but he sees him tighten his jaw as he looks down at what is in his hands. At what Steve has bought for him.

"If you don't like it, I can change it," Steve stutters, suddenly unsure of himself, unsure of his choice. Did he get it wrong?

Bucky looks up at him. "It's perfect...you jerk!" and he leans forward without thinking and hugs Steve. It is something the two men have done before in front of people, but this time George sees so much more in that simple sign of affection.

Nestled in the tissue and wrapping is a badge Bucky had seen in a pawn shop window over a month ago. He had fallen in love with it; the lines of the badge, the two outstretched wings. And Steve had caught him drawing it in doodles all over his technical work for college. Steve had gone in and, after being honest with the broker, had offered a sum not quite reaching what the pawnbroker had wanted. The pawnbroker shook his head. He asked the man to wait and had gone all the way home and bought back with him a ring his mother had left him. It was not worth a lot, but it had made up the amount and Steve came out of the shop with the 1930's USAAF badge tucked in his pocket. He had said a small prayer to his mother, but he felt sure she wouldn't mind. This was for the person he loved and wanted to spend the rest of this life with. He felt sure she would understand.

 **...**

Everyone was tired. It had been a busy day, full of excitement. Winifred is curled up with their youngest son on the sofa; the other two are upstairs in the bedroom they share. Steve is sat sketching the Christmas tree. Bucky is looking at a magazine when he becomes aware of his father looking at him. He looks up and smiles, but it looks like George is a million miles away but he focuses on Bucky. Bucky smiles again but his father doesn't and the smile falls from Bucky's face.

George had been a million miles away with his thoughts. __How can this be my son? How can I have not seen this?__ He sees the smile James gives him, and sees it drop when James sees something of George's thoughts in his eyes.

George has to do something about this. He cannot let it fester. He stands up.

"Buck, give your old man a hand with something will you?" he says, and beckons his eldest to follow. Winifred watches as they quit the room. There is nothing she can do. This is between two of the men in her life, and only they can sort it out.

Bucky follows George out into the garden, and then into a side door leading to the garage. He is glad he has such a thick jumper on; the snow is still drifting down, and it is bloody cold. George switches the light on. It is not overly bright but it is all he needs. He watches Bucky close the door and walk over to him.

"Car playing up again?" Bucky asks, looking at his father, and his father doesn't reply, he just stands there studying his son. How does he do this? "Dad?" The serious look in his father's face is making his heart start to race. "Have I done something wrong?"

His father looks old, he is going grey, and Bucky for one moment thinks he must be ill – but then his father speaks.

"James...I don't know how to do this." Bucky tries to say something, but his father holds up his hand and stops him. "Are you and..." He clears his throat. "Are you and Steven...sweethearts?" That is the only word he can think of using.

Bucky's heart starts thumping, and despite the cold he feels a sweat break out on his forehead. He has never lied to his parents. Bent the truth a couple of times maybe, but never lied.

George watches the look that passes over his son's face, sees the thought of lying in those clear blue eyes...but he knows his son will not lie.

Bucky stands up straighter, shoulders back and stares him down. "Yes, sir," he says, simply and with respect.

"I see." And his father looks down at the floor. Everything is so silent.

"Do you want me to leave?" Bucky asks him quietly. He always knew this moment would come, always wondered how he would break the news to his parents. How he would tell his father the truth.

George does not say anything, just looks at the floor. Bucky steps forward until they are only a few paces apart. "I understand. I can move out. You don't need to tell anyone the truth. Just say it was time I found my own feet. I wont embarrass you," he says, and his father looks up at him and Bucky realises that he is close to weeping. He has only ever seen his father cry once before.

"You don't think I still love you?" George says choking on the words.

Bucky flounders as his eyes tear up as well. "I...I know how such a thing is..." he cant find the right word "...shameful."

And suddenly George is reaching forward and pulling him into a bear hug, and Bucky's own arms go around his father. This man who has always been such a solid influence in his life, always been there.

His father is crying but talking, the words running together. "I love you son, I couldn't not." His father holds him so tight for a moment that Bucky has trouble getting his breath. Then he feels his arms loosen.

"If...Steven means that much to you then so be it." He leans backwards to look at his son's face "...Only don't expect me to call him son just yet. I need time, time to get over..."

"The shock?" Bucky provides the word and his father nods as they pull apart. Bucky steps back and crosses his arms, the cold suddenly hitting him again.

"Does Mom know?"

George nods. "You know women," he says and Bucky nods as his father colours. "...I mean, women as in...what I mean by knowing women is, well..."

"Dad, it's okay. I like women. It was as much a surprise to me as it is a shock to you but..." the words trail off as the two men look at each other. There is nothing more to be said. Not tonight.

"Jesus it's cold, lets go and warm up." George puts an arm around Bucky's shoulder and they trudge back to the house where Winifred looks at her men. She has never loved her husband as much as she loves him in this moment. She places her hands on Bucky's shoulders and kisses him then goes to her husband and places her hands on his cheeks and kisses him.

"You're a good man George Barnes, and I love you." she whispers.

Their children will always be the world to them.

 **...**

 _ _ **'Tis the night before Christmas 1990.**__

 _ _The Winter Soldier is used to the cold.__

 _ _He is stood in a garden. It is snowing, but not that heavily. There is enough on the ground to leave footprints but he is not worried; they will vanish under the new snowfall soon enough. He is a black figure in a white landscape. Black leather pants and jacket; his metal arm is covered up. Black gloves. He is wearing both his mask and goggles and if anyone was to see him they would know it was not Father Christmas visiting.__

 _ _It is Death.__

 _ _You would think in this bleak landscape he would be easy to spot, but he is not. The moon shines, but it is not a full moon. The trees are bare. There are deep shadows for him to blend with. He has no problem. He is his own camouflage.__

 _ _He needs to traverse this garden to get into the neighbours'. It is the neighbour who is the mission, the neighbour who is the target. As he walks silently across the lawn to the wall of the house he hears a noise and turns to the side.__

 _ _There is an old lean-to full of wood, and he guesses the sound is rats looking for some warmth...but then he moves closer. The wood piled up reminds him of something, but he doesn't know what. Shaking his head he moves closer to skirt the wall. What must be the kitchen window is dark but there are people in the living room, the curtains are partially closed and he will need to duck to make sure he is not seen. He listens to the wind rustle through the trees and looks up, despite the snow there is still parts of the sky clear and he can see the stars, pinpoints of light against the dark.__

Stay on mission.

 _ _He moves nearer the window.__

 _ _He looks in but there is no need to worry, no one will see him. Two children sit on the floor playing with what look like toy cars; the mother is sat on the sofa, heavily pregnant, knitting and listening to the radio; her husband is across from her and is reading a newspaper. Even from outside, the Winter Soldier can feel the warmth in the room, can feel the peace the family feel with each other and it stops him. There is a Christmas tree stood upright and decked with lights and baubles, and for just a moment he sees a second tree in his mind and and feels the warmth of a fire, hears the crackling of logs.__

 _ _He shakes his head again. He mustn't get distracted. Some times when he is out here in the world thoughts come into his mind, thoughts he knows he should not have. They can make his head hurt, he mustn't let them distract him, mustn't let anything interfere with his mission. He is a soldier, he is under orders.__

 _ _But before he can look away, the mother puts her knitting down and he can hear what she is saying.__

" _ _Come on now, time for bed." She struggles to stand up and her husband puts down his paper as both children start to moan. The husband laughs and goes over to help his wife who is still having trouble rising from the sofa; she must be due any day.__

" _ _Put your things away and go and brush your teeth," the mother is saying, and the two children make it obvious that they will do what she says but they would rather not.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier turns and slides down the wall, keeping his back against the cold brickwork and squatting he looks at his watch. He is early. He stays still for another 20 minutes, by which time his legs feel stiff and his feet have almost gone to sleep. He hears a noise in the room and slowly straightens to look in again. The children have gone and both parents are now sat on the sofa. The husband leans over and kisses his wife's forehead and then turns the volume dial of the radio. The announcer's voice grows louder.__

" _ _Twas the night before Christmas. Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that..."__

 _ _And suddenly the Winter Soldier's mind freezes up: he has heard those words before and the deja-vu that hits him makes him feel nauseous. He turns back around and sinks to the ground as his mind tries to grasp some of the many memories that seep into it. The other Christmas tree, the burning log fire, the wood in the lean-to, a blond haired man. He looks at the palms of his hands, convinced he will see a badge lying in them; he can even feel the weight of it, see the two wings spread out...but then his hand curls up hard and he tries to shake the memory away because it doesn't just make his head hurt, it makes his chest hurt. He has broken into a sweat. He is trying to catch the memory of the young man, the one whose blond hair falls over his forehead, whose scent he would recognise anywhere.__

" _ _No!" he grunts, his teeth grinding against each other as his programming tries to break in, tries to stop him from thinking, tries to stop him from remembering. His mask and goggles suddenly feel restrictive, making him feel claustrophobic and he pulls both of them from his face.__

" _ _No!" he rubs his fists into his eyes, and then scoops up snow and washes his face in it; the cold makes his teeth ache, reddens his skin.__

 _ _The radio in his ear crackles. Unusual, as it is only there as a safety net if he needs to contact them but they are speaking to him now. The words break through the memories and suddenly he feels calm again, feels normality entering back into this world. He cannot quite remember why he is crouched in the dark and not moving. He shoves his mask and goggles in a pocket and stands this time making sure he is beyond the window. Slowly and steadily he pads across the path, and then using one hand leaps across the wall and into the neighbour's garden.__

 _ _The house is in darkness but he knows the occupant is in there.__

 _ _Accessing the house is no problem, and soon he is stood in the dark hallway listening to the ticking of a clock. There is carpet under foot but the house smells neglected, old. He slowly makes his way up the stairs, stopping every so often to listen and ensure there is no one else about. He can hear a voice but it is steady, monotone; a radio. Besides which, he can also hear the man snoring. He has left his bedroom door open and as the Winter Soldier walks forward he takes out his gun and uses the silencer barrel to push the door open further. It creaks and he immediately stays it with his hand. The snoring continues and he slips in though the gap.__

 _ _His eyes have become adjusted to the dark, but it is almost pitch black in here: there are black-out curtains. The Winter Soldier waits a moment until he can get his bearings. The man is asleep in his bed, on his back and as he thought, the man has fallen asleep listening to the radio. It is the same channel as next door and Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol is droning out of the speaker. A weak light shows the position of the radio and the crackling noise accompanying the speaker is annoying, so the Winter Soldier bends and switches the radio off.__

 _ _The man carries on snoring, out for the count. The fact an empty glass stands on his bedside table accounts for that; he can smell the fumes of alcohol on the old mans breath.__

 _ _The room is barren. A few sticks of furniture and not a lot else. An old paperback book lying next to a lamp. He can smell dust and old age, a bad combination. He knows the man has been living here since before the Wall even came down. The room echoes the whole house. Neglected and dying as its owner is. The man has cancer and only has six months at the most to live but he holds a secret, one he may decide to confess before his death, one that has began to weigh heavily on his mind.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier has come to make sure that does not happen. He is the only one who will listen to any confession from the old man. The only one permitted to. And then he will be made to forget.__

 _ _He sits on the edge of the bed, and as the mattress dips it disturbs the sleep of the old man. He switches off his goggles and then removes them. The Winter Soldier leans over and puts the lamp on; the light is not bright but the old man can see, he knows immediately who has come to visit him.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier looks on impassively as the man attempts to sit up and has a fit of coughing.__

" _ _I thought they would send you." he says, looking at the soldier beside him. He has been told the man must die, but to give him respect.__

 _ _He does not say anything just looks on.__

" _ _Actually, it was more than just a thought. I had hoped they would. I'm not good with pain but I am too much of a coward to do the job myself," and he gives a dry laugh. "Do you know why you are here?" he asks.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier nods slightly: " I am here to kill you." His voice has no inflection, no pity. These are his orders and he will obey them.__

" _ _Whoever thought the Winter Soldier would turn into a compassionate Angel of Death?" The old man laughs to himself.__

" _ _I am not compassionate." He is stating a fact.__

" _ _You were once..." and then the old man stops. What is the use of trying to confuse the issue, trying to confuse the man sitting on the bed? The soldier has been tortured enough, and the old man knows he cannot change what has happened, cannot change the world.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier looks at him curiously.__

" _ _I knew your Constant. Is she still well?" he asks, and the Winter Soldier frowns. The old man knows of the jealously that runs through the Winter Soldier and laughs weakly. "No, no not in that way. We were friends once, that is all. I worked with her, I worked with you and with Stefan but you don't remember him I suppose? Listen to me..." And he puts his hand on the Winter Soldiers arm. "Freya loves you, and only you. I wish they would let you remember that." He starts to cough once again.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier's heart begins to race, and he starts to sweat, but the suit monitors betray him once again and a voice intones in his ear reminding him of why he is there, bringing him back on track. The old man looks at him, his rheumy eyes running now with tears, his face pale and grey. The Winter Soldier can see the effort it takes for the old man to sit up straighter to face his death.__

 _ _The soldier stands and lifts the gun.__

" _ _For your loyal service to Hydra."__

 _ _And he shoots.__

 _ _Kristo Salk, one time orderly on Project Winter Soldier, falls back against the bed. Out of pain, out of time. Dead. The Winter Soldier has fulfilled his mission. He takes a long look at the body, but cannot access any memories, cannot understand the words Kristo said to him. He will ask the woman when he gets back to base, tell her what the man said, but he doesn't know that by the time he is back with his Constant he will not remember the details of his mission. He will not remember what the man has told him.__

 _ _He makes to leave but for some reason he stops and instead turns and goes back to the bed. He lifts the top cover and covers the old man to shroud him in death.__

 _ _He stares at the body for a moment longer, then turns and leaves. His mission completed.__

 **...**

You are cold tonight. You cannot get warm, and there are less guards around than normal. You hate these evenings, evenings where there is no one to talk to, no one to take your mind off the Winter Soldier being out on mission. During the day you can keep busy, they always seem to find work for you to do, but for the last few days everyone has seemed more relaxed and you think you know why.

You think it is Christmas.

They keep you mostly in the dark about dates - even what year it is - but every so often you find out.

You walk down the corridor further than you are really allowed. You are heading for the guard's living quarters. You just want to know. You know that the cameras are probably following your every move, but you mean no harm.

You turn left at the crossroads and as you walk you begin to hear music. It has been such a long time since you have heard a melody and you had not realised how much you missed it. You stop and turn towards one of the cameras to show you know they are watching you. They know you will do no harm that might take you away from their most beloved asset.

You begin to walk again and as you get closer to the quarters you recognise what you are listening to.

 _ _Carols of the Bells.__ __Shchedryk.__ It stops you in your tracks.

You go no further.

Instead you sink down next to the wall and curl up to listen, your arms clasped around your knees. You close your eyes. The corridor is cold and the stone hard but instead you imagine you are back in the house you grew up in.

This is your mother's favourite carol, and you are back in the front room with her and your father. It is Christmas Eve and you are about fifteen years of age. You are watching as your parents decorate the Christmas Tree. It is the first one you have ever seen in the house as the laws before now had prohibited them, but Russia is changing. The excitement of it has brought your mother out of her shell; she chatters on about how she helped decorate them as a child and about how her father would sing to them as they did it and about family gatherings. She shows you her silver locket, the one given to her by her parents, she wears it all the time, is panicked if she thinks she has lost it. Inside is a picture of her on one side and Arthur on the other and Anna says when she closes it they are together and nothing can ever part them. You listen to her, enthralled. You have never seen her this vivacious and you know this is the Anna your father fell in love with. You can see it makes him tearful but his face is also full of light.

"Freya, come and hang this one, you are taller than me." Your mother hands you a glass bauble and you take it so delicately because to break it would make your mother cry. You go to put it on the tree and you see her eyes widen and you smile.

"Where shall I put it do you think?" you ask her, and she smiles like a small child.

"There," she says, pointing, and you reach up and put it on the tree. Your mother stands back with her hands over her mouth, her eyes shining, looking at the tree.

"Oh Arthur it is so __krasivaya__ , so... _ _beautiful!__ " Even after this amount of time your mother knows few English words but one of them is beautiful because that is what your father calls her, __his beautiful Anna.__

Once the tree is finished you fetch a warm drink of Sbita from the kitchen. It takes you more than a few minutes as you made it earlier but need to reheat it. Your father suggested adding brandy to the mead and jam to help your mother sleep. It is a good idea. Just lately she has taken to waking in the middle of the night so confused, so terrified.

You bring the tray into the front room and pour a drink for all of you and pass it to your parents with some small Rastegai pastries. Your mother is humming her favourite carol, and for a moment you feel that life is so beautiful, you wish it could last forever. The fire is warm and the brandy in the Sbita is making your cheeks warm.

Outside it is snowing again, but your father has left the curtains open to see the changing landscape. Without warning someone comes up and knocks loudly on the window. They hold up a bottle, then, swaying, wander off back down the street. A drunk, too much vodka that is all, but the atmosphere in the room is broken. Your mother had jumped out of her seat when the knocking started and now is holding her hands together and she perches back on the edge of the sofa.

You reach out to touch her and she draws away from you, and you recognise the look in her eyes. A cloud covers her face and your hand falters. She turns to look at your father and you recognise the panic in her face and you try to make things better.

"It's all right Mother it's me, it's Freya." But she doesn't recognise you, doesn't know who you are. Your father comes forward and kneels in front of her.

"It's all right Anna, just a drunk celebrating Christmas, that's all."

But you both know you have lost her again for now.

"I think you have had a lot of excitement for the day. Time to go up to bed and sleep," he says gently pulling Anna to her feet, but she is clutching at his hand and then begins to look around her.

"But where is Freya? Where is that child? Does she not want to say goodnight to me?" She asks, pain in her voice, and a frightened look on her face. She is looking for you but you know she does not recognise the tall young girl standing looking at her; she wants her child, her baby. Soon that look will change to anger and you do not want to see it. Do not want to hear what she calls you. She cannot help it, she is sick, mentally sick, but it still hurts even though you know that.

You look away and you are back in the bleak, cold corridor; you hunch up more and begin to cry. You had forgotten her. You had forgotten your mother and your father and the short spells of time when your mother loved you.

You loved your father but you didn't think you always loved your mother. But you did and something in you at this moment in time misses her. __Just the time of the year,__ you think and you move to stand up. Your bones are stiff and you use that as an excuse to stay a few moments longer to listen to the music.

So beautiful. So __krasivaya.__

 **...**

The guard watches the woman on the monitor. He reported her presence in the corridors but was told to stand down, no need for worry. He wonders now if he should let them know she is crying as she walks back to her rooms, but he doesn't think she even realises she is.

He decides not to. After all, it is Christmas and everyone deserves a break.

Everyone gets a little emotional at this time of year.


	26. Chapter 26 - Everyone Is Sorry

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Twenty-Six: The Constant & The Patient - Everyone Is Sorry For Something****

Light is shining in under the door. It is never dark in here. You awaken to a mantra. The patient is sat up in bed next to you, eyes half-closed. Sweat runs down through his hair, over his face. He is talking, mumbling.

"...Sergeant James Barnes 32557038 US 107th. Sergeant James Barnes 32557038 US 107th. Sergeant James Barnes 32557038 US 107th..."

His right hand is clenched tight. There is such a heat pulsating out from him. You hear the words and panic. You too break out into a sweat; if anyone was to hear him, if anyone was to find out that any part of James Barnes was still in there - buried deeply into the patient's subconscious - God knows what they would do. They thought they were secure in the knowledge that they had destroyed Barnes completely.

You yourself don't know if he is in there, but the fact that the patient is using his old name gives you hope that one day James may come back.

"Wake up." You move so that you are in front of him. You shake his shoulders gently. "Come on, wake up!" You try not to sound panicked. You need to be calm, but you can feel the heat from your own panic. "Please wake up!" You shake him harder, but the mantra simply continues. There is no change.

He is in the nightmare; in deep, at the very bottom.

A door closes somewhere outside and you look at the clock. It's 11pm, not late but you know the guards will be patrolling and will open the slot in the door if they hear James talking. And what they hear will alert them. Then they will call Lehmann.

There is only one option open to you, for you have to act quickly.

"Wake up!" You slap him hard across the face. No change. "For God's sake, you need to wake up," you shake him harder. You try to slap him again and instead cold metal wraps itself around your wrist and stops you.

He is awake. The chant has stopped. You cannot see his face behind his hair so you brush it away. It takes a couple of seconds and then he looks up at you.

You recoil. You haven't woken the first personality, you have woken the second. Your heart drops through to your stomach and you feel sick.

"You were having a nightmare," you stutter.

You can see a red welt appearing on his cheek where you slapped him. His eyes bore into yours and flash. Then, that smile, that thin-lipped one you dread.

"I __am__ the nightmare," he growls.

Everything happens so quickly. You are grabbed and thrown onto your back. You are barely aware that you are gabbling, apologising. He is above you now, straddling you, and that cruel smile is shadowed on his face. "Please, I'm sorry," you say but that seems to make the glint in his eyes harden.

You hear soldier's footsteps stop at the door but the patient ignores them. He knows they will not interfere. Instead his cold steel hand pulls at your nightdress. His eyes gleam the madness that is there coiled ready to strike.

You close your eyes.

The metal grid slides open in the door and you feel the patient shift slightly. He has turned to stare at the guard looking into the room. You would hate to be the guard on the end of that look because you know if the Winter Soldier recognises him he will remember him.

The metal slides quickly shut and the guards walk away. One is laughing shakily and telling the other one that the patient is safely __occupied.__ To some of them that is your only use in life, to keep the patient __occupied.__ It will be shift change soon and they can pretend they didn't see anything.

The patient turns back to you, eyes glinting. He is angry, so angry and you keep your eyes closed as he begins to hurt you.

 **...**

After he has used you, you lie still with your eyes still closed. You feel your body hurting. Thoughts spin in your mind. You are not thinking clearly. You are trying to divert your mind from thinking, from thinking about what just happened, about what will happen again and again. You think about earlier today, the conversation you overheard.

"Why don't you ever stay?" You don't know why you say it out loud, and after you had you immediately wished you could take the words back.

You open your eyes and look towards where he is sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to you. It is something you heard the doctors discussing this morning, something they have asked themselves many times. Why doesn't the stronger second personality stay as the one in charge? You have wondered it yourself and now...now you are stupid enough to actually ask.

You are sat on top of the bed, covers awry. You feel sore where he has taken you, but you still have your nightdress on; he was in too much of a hurry to remove it. He had appeared to be just rising to go to the bathroom; your words stop him and he turns around to face you.

The look he gives you is one of humour. You look away. This is the cruel personality. Why did you ask something so utterly stupid?

"What? What did you say?" he asks.

"It doesn't matter," you say so quietly you doubt he hears you, but he did. This one hears everything.

He leans forward and takes a lock of your hair, wraps it around his finger. As he talks he tightens it until it becomes painful, and you are forced nearer to him until your faces are only inches apart.

"Do you want me to?" You don't answer. "I said... _ _do you want me to__?"

No, you don't want him to stay. Why in God's name did you say such a stupid thing?

He studies you, then unwinds your hair - taking the pressure off but not letting go.

"Are you up to that much pain?" he asks quietly.

You close your eyes. So stupid.

He clenches more of your hair as his fist tightens and the grip becomes uncomfortable and then almost unbearable and you whimper. He is so close to you. You can smell his breath, feel his words on your skin.

"I asked you a question." He studies you. "So you don't know what to say now, huh? Let the genie out of the lamp, the cat out of the bag...the lunatic out of the jacket." He laughs but there is no humour in it. "Unbelievable."

 _ _He watches her closely, sees the regret in her eyes. He can see she wishes she had not said anything and part of him already knows he is going to make her regret it. But part of him knows he needs to deflect the question, to make her forget she asked, and does not realise he hasn't replied.__

 _ _Why doesn't he stay?__

 _ _Because he can't.__

 _ _He cannot cope with the utter confusion and pain in his head when he is in charge. He knows if he stayed he would kill her, would destroy everything. They would have no choice but to kill him. Even he cannot control the anger in his own head. It gets so bad that as a defence he has to let go to the first personality, to the quiet one who seems to make sense of the confusion, to the harmless one they trust.__

 _ _He can remember things that have been done to him, but there is no context. He doesn't know who the blond haired man in his memories is but he knows that thinking about him makes his head hurt and his heart ache. The images of a city he sees, home yet he doesn't know where it is. Other faces that he never sees here in the complex. He remembers so much pain, so much blood...his blood, his pain.__

 _ _When he is in charge the confusion makes him so angry, makes him so tense that he needs release and the only way he can have that is with her. He is dependant on her. But he also needs to hurt her; she is part of this, part of what is happening to him. In his warped brain she is somehow to blame for his need of her.__

 _ _He looks at her now and feels the noise start, feels himself getting tense again, needs to climb inside her, drown in her, and he will. He clenches his fists, his balls ache and he feels the blood rush to his head. The noise starts to make itself felt as he pulls her forward to hurt her again.__

You eyes are downcast. You don't want to see the smile he will have on his face, the cruel cold smile that means you interest him and he wants to play with you for a while longer. Your scalp hurts; you are sure your hair is going to come away in his hand. You are both sat awkwardly and the position is uncomfortable, you try to move but he won't let you. Instead he pulls you so close his lips brush yours, then his hand flattens out on the back of your head and won't let you move, his mouth is firmly on yours and his tongue invades you. His other hand moves to your shoulder.

You put your hands on his chest to try to push him away but he is to strong. You begin to panic, feel claustrophobic, you cannot get away from him and without thinking you bite down hard on his lip. It takes him by surprise and he lets you go. He draws his hand across his mouth and it comes away bloody; you have broken the skin. You are frightened now. You try and back away on the bed but he catches your ankle. He licks his blood from his hand and that cold smile makes your blood run cold. You can see his blood on his tongue as he tastes it.

"First blood," he says, his eyes trapping you. He moves closer and now you are too frightened to move. He lets go of your ankle as he knows he has you.

"I'll stay," he says pushing you down. "Although you'll wish I hadn't."

His hands move down your body feeling every part of you. Your eyes are wide open and full of dread, it makes him harder, he is excited; you have never tried to hurt him before.

 **...**

Later, much later, he takes you by the arm and drags you to the bathroom. You whimper; you hurt everywhere. Your left hand is throbbing and one of your eyes will be black by morning. He drove a knife through the palm of your left hand when you were struggling too much, pinned it to the cabinet, __don't worry__ he said, __I know how to do it without any lasting damage__. He did it just after he had told you he knew he was the first to ever fuck you and would be the first to ever sodomise you.

He sets the shower going and pushes you in. You shiver under the water, even though it is warm. He starts washing you down, knowing he is hurting you and that even now still enjoying the way it makes him hard to hear you whimper. You know you should be brave, _ _other women would be__ you think, but you can't; you are so broken, you can't take any more tonight.

You try not to look at him. He has his own wounds, his lip that you bit, bruises and scratch marks where you fought but you know he doesn't feel them and that his body will already be repairing the damage.

He soaps up the sponge and runs it over your stomach and then down between your legs and up the back, you try to back away from him, it hurts so much, he knows it does. The soap runs into the wounds and then drips down, bloody, to the floor.

Your hand is aching, pulsing and the pain makes you breathless and slowly you kneel, clutching your left hand to your chest.

He stands there for a moment then slowly smiles. "Offering are you?" he says quietly.

You look up trying to blink the water out of your eyes and you realise what he is saying, he is hard and you are level with his erection.

You begin to shake your head, __no,__ he can't make you again, __please God no, you can't do it.__

"No, no please..."

He steps nearer and you fall backwards against the corner of the shower. "I can't please, I can't, don't make me, please don't make me," you weep and he studies you, those cold cruel eyes taking you in. He reaches out. He is going to force you, but you draw away as far as you can and bring your knees up and hug them to you. You bow your head and all he can hear is you saying the word __no__.

 _ _He doesn't step back but he does move his hand back and start to stroke himself. He can't help it, he still wants her, wants to climb inside her skin and be close to her. Shut out the din in his mind that is slowly driving him insane. Shut out the pictures, the utter confusion of living.__

"Look at me," he says as the water falls onto you both. You can't, you won't, you know what he is doing, you don't want to see his eyes. You can hear his breathing, it is coming faster and you know what is going to happen. There is nothing you can do and you tell yourself it is better than having to suck him off.

"I said look at me you whore," he grabs your arm with his left hand and pulls, almost dislocating it, and you are forced to look up just as he starts to come. You feel his warm liquid hit your face as he arches his head back and groans. As his body spasms and more semen falls he lets go of you and you put your arms over your head and you feel the rest of the liquid hit them instead. You know when he has finished he will punish you but you curl up as much as you can, hiccuping because your breath is short and you are crying so hard.

He has finished and is quiet. All you can hear is the water falling, but you know he is still there.

Then you hear him move and at the same time he says your name. Your actual name.

"Freya?" It is a quiet, stunned voice. "No...Freya..." He kneels down in front of you. "Oh no...no, no," the words run into each other and you know it is not the second personality saying them.

You look up and straight into the horrified eyes of the first, the quite gentle one.

Normally you would try to reassure him, tell him everything is all right but you can't, it has been to horrific this time. You need comfort and you uncurl and move forward, he opens his arms and takes you into them.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh God...what have I done?" he whispers as you weep against his chest.

The second one has left. You are both alone.

 _ _He is stunned, doesn't know what to do; he awakened as his body was spasming over her curled-up body and he is horrified. He doesn't know how to react. How can he have been doing something so awful? What else has he done? He can see blood mixing with the water. See bruises blossoming on her body, see the utter fear that was in her eyes. He has injuries to, his lip is throbbing and feels swollen. What happened here?__

 _ _Using his left hand he gets them both up standing and out of the shower. Grabbing the nearest towel he tries to wrap her up in it; he is not very good at this, it is always Freya that comforts him.__

You are beginning to calm. You know you are safe now. Your body knows it is safe. "I'm all right," you say quietly, you don't want him to see too much of what has been done to you. You pull away and try to be brave and smile at him but you can see in his eyes that you're not fooling him.

Then his eyes harden. He is learning about this world. "I'm sorry," and you see his jaw working, he is clenching and unclenching his fists. You lean forward trying not to wince and brush his forehead with your lips. No more words are needed. You are both victims.

He turns and switches the water off and you take the opportunity to get more towels. You wrap your left hand in a flannel so he cannot see it. Then you stumble to the bedroom. The first thing you see are the rumpled sheets and blood staining them. He comes in behind you and moves past you.

"Blood..." He turns to look at you and you try to smile, your face is so pale.

"I'm not hurt. Please, I just...need to rest, to sleep," you say. "We can just use the top one and blankets for tonight."

You are so tired. All you want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. Grabbing the bottom sheets he pulls them off and throws them into the corner. Then he stops, doesn't move, just stands there next to the bed. You move around slowly to the other side and pull the top sheet down, it is hardly marked. "Help me," you say and he gets the other side pulling it down. You tuck in only part of it because you can't use your left hand and you don't want him to see the knife wound.

Then you get on the bed, he still just stands there.

"Please will you hold me until I fall asleep?" you ask and he looks at you and makes your heart feel as if it will break.

"What if I hurt you again?" he asks.

You shake your head, "You won't." __Not tonight,__ are the words you do not add.

He climbs in and puts the lamp out. You pull the blankets up and then move next to him and he draws you close to him. He is barely awake. You are shattered but you feel safe with him, he will not harm you and somehow you know the second will not be back tonight.

Both of you fall into a deep sleep.

 **...**

You wake first.

Your whole body hurts, throbs. There is bruising and bite marks, scratches where he hung on so tight to you his nails and metal fingers broke your skin. Your left hand had started to clot but just pulling at the flannel makes it bleed again, the blood slowly seeping through.

What worries you more though is what the second personality did to you last night. You have never been used in that way before. When he said he was going to sodomise you, you had felt so frightened you had pleaded with him not to and for the first time ever you called out to the guards and begged them for help. No one came.

Now your lower back hurts and you have a terrible stinging sensation around your private area. You try not to think about it, you did not know something could hurt so much.

The patient is asleep, fast asleep, so you quietly get out of the bed, pick up some clothes and go into the bathroom and dress. It is after 8am and you know that Doctor Jakobs will be awake. You are going to need his help.

You move quietly past the bed where the Winter Soldier lays. You know he will be asleep for a little while yet and you let yourself out of the room.

 _ _There are two guards outside. Neither can look at her. They came on duty at midnight. The guards they were replacing said the Winter Soldier had already had his fun and it should be a quiet night. They were wrong. When they heard her cry out, heard her begging them to help her they looked away, could not look at each other. In the end they moved further down the corridor. They are under orders, they are never to help her, but that doesn't mean they have to like it. It doesn't mean they don't feel like cowards, or feel the pain of helplessness.__

 _ _One of the guards is older and has a daughter her age and it hits him the hardest. He tries to swap all his shifts guarding the Winter Soldier for other duties. He told Marinov he doesn't care what it is as long as he doesn't have to hear her cry out at night. But last night he was on duty. Last night he heard everything and he cannot look at her this morning.__

 _ _The other guard, Serge Zolnerowich, is young and was innocent. He hadn't known just what a man could do to a woman. It makes him sick. When he first came to work for Hydra he believed what they told him: they were making a better world. He saw what they did to the American soldier to break his mind, he has seen what the American has become. How could this happen in a "better world"? His disillusionment builds more every day.__

You walk past them. You try to walk normally but everything hurts and you feel like an old woman. You are clutching your left hand and the throbbing in it is making you feel sick. A moment's dizziness stops you and you lean against the coolness of the wall. You are suddenly very hot, you are sweating, and the corridor seems to elongate. For a moment you think you are going to faint but then you feel a hand under your arm and you look up. It is the older guard. He helps you stand and stays with you until you get to where you are going. Neither of you say anything as you walk. You are grateful for the help and he is grateful he can at least do this for you.

You indicate you have reached where you are going, Doctor Jakobs office, and nod to him and he lets you go. He knocks and when Jakobs says to come in he opens the door for you. Just before he turns away he speaks.

"I am sorry," he says in Russian, and then he is gone. You know they cannot help you, you know you are worth nothing and the Winter Soldier is worth everything but it still makes you choke to hear his kind voice saying those words. Your emotions these days go so easily from hating someone to liking them. Will you ever get them under control?

Doctor Jakobs looks up and sees it is you and jumps up from his desk smiling but the smile soon drops when he looks at you and you see it replaced with concern.

"My hand," you say holding out your left hand wrapped in a cloth but blood showing through. "I had an accident and I can't get it to stop bleeding." You make a poor attempt to smile as you say this.

Over time he has become 'your' doctor because of the many __mishaps__ you have had. When he first started treating you, both you and he knew that you weren't so accident prone. After the first time the Winter Soldier bedded you - you don't even think of calling it rape because you still believe in some twisted way that it was your fault - it was him you turned to for medical help.

 _ _He has never told her the effect her story about James Barnes had on him and she does not know yet that he is her greatest ally. Now he looks at her. She is sweating, her pallor is grey and her eyes full of pain.__

" _ _And the bruises?" he asks and takes her arm because he is worried she is going to pass out.__

" _ _Don't be nice to me," she begs because she hasn't the energy to cry.__

 _ _He takes her through to the other part of the office that he has made into a small consulting room and gets her to sit down, noting how gingerly she does so. Then taking the wrapping off her left hand he looks at the damage done.__

" _ _And what was the implement?" he asks.__

" _ _A narrow bladed knife but it has missed the bones. I just need to stop it bleeding."__

 _ _He looks at her. "Hmm, and how do you know it has missed?"__

 _ _She tries to smile again. "Because he told me it would."__

 _ _He knows what has happened, he has met the second personality, seen the cruelty in his eyes. He has treated her wounds before but it has never been as bad as this. "He's getting worse," he growls.__

" _ _It was my fault, I goaded him, I was careless, stupid," she says and winces as he starts to wash the wound to treat it.__

" _ _He will kill you one day."__

" _ _No. No he won't." She wants to take the worry away from Jakobs but even she is not sure that one day he won't go too far.__

He works on your hand and when it is bandaged he stops you from leaving. "I know he did more. I can see it in your eyes," and this time you do start to cry.

This is a doctor, you are a nurse, and you try and tell yourself you can't be embarrassed but you are. There is damage and you are frightened by some of it. In a halting voice and not looking at him you tell him what the patient has done. You hear him swear. When you are finished he leaves you for a moment and then comes back with a simple gown which he hands to you.

"I need to examine you, Freya. I know it is the last thing you want but we need to see if there is any lasting damage that won't heal by itself."

You nod and bite your lip.

You are with Jakobs for another hour. He treats the bites and the scratches, the cuts and the bruising. Your shoulder joint is sore but with no permanent damage done. He also puts you on a course of antibiotics. He gives you a supply of pain killers and a cream you can use for the more personal injuries.

At the end he tells you he is sorry. By now you are tired again and just want to get back to your room and lie down. Its funny how everyone keeps telling you how sorry they are when it is what you keep telling the Winter Soldier.

Everyone, it appears, is sorry for something.

 _ _Once you have gone, Jakobs documents everything. One day the world will need to know what has been done here - not just to Freya, but to James Barnes as well. It is information that will be kept well hidden in Hydra's files without their knowledge. After he has gone there will always be someone else to keep the information up to date and hidden. He cannot change what he has done in the past but he can try and bring Hydra down in the future and this is the only way he knows how. Stefan has already agreed to help and will take over should anything happen to Jakobs. Eduard Marinov is also helping.__

 _ _They are all on the lookout for more like minded people every day.__

 _ _Hydra is too big for them to fight, most of them are not and will not be trained soldiers but what was it someone once said -__ The pen is mightier than the sword _ _? Jakobs hopes they are right. One day Hydra will pay.__

 _ _One day Hydra will be taken down and crushed and when it is, the proof will be there to annihilate them.__


	27. Chapter 27 - Understanding Mind Wipe

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Constant - Understanding The Mind Wipe****

You study the doctor in front of you. He is patient, and that is a good thing. He can see you are lost and haven't a clue what he is talking about. Stefan has arranged for him to talk to you under the pretence that as the the patient's companion you need to know, and that as a nurse you need to understand. You want to understand. But this feels beyond your comprehension, and most doctors do not like to repeat themselves. Stefan knows this one is tolerant. It is why he chose him as the one to explain.

The doctor taps the table with his pen, and you can see him thinking.

"Okay." he says, grabbing a piece of paper. He draws the outline of a head with the brain nestled inside. "Lets see if I can simplify it." He is not being condescending, he knows how highly complex it is – even some physicians wouldn't understand.

He points out the different parts of the brain, paying special attention to one part in particular. "This is where we do our work."

He is one of the team bought in to perfect the mind wipe that they will be using on the Winter Soldier. You have gotten lost in the technicalities of it. You want to understand. You want to know what your patient will be going through.

"Thoughts, memories, everything we know and believe is stored in here. Imagine a space full of different shapes, different sizes, and each one is tethered with a piece of string to the central cortex. A bit like a bunch of mismatched balloons. Each shape is a memory, or a thought, or an action, something he has learnt, something he has memorised." He draws in a bunch of shapes attached by a thin thread of ink. "Okay. Now to us it is all muddled. We have to work out which pieces he needs to keep and which pieces need to go. No good getting rid of how he learnt to speak, but we don't want him remembering when he learnt to speak because we don't want him to remember his childhood. So the mind wipe is like a giant pair of scissors. We will cut away the memories and things we don't want him to retain and leave those he needs to keep to function."

"You destroy them?" you ask.

"Well that is a point of argument. Some of us believe it just disables them, others think it destroys them. It is one of those things that honestly we just don't know."

"So if we go with the theory they are untethered...then they are not lost and the patient could get them back?" you ask, and he looks at you.

"Yes and no. They will be untethered but once the string is cut it cannot re-tether itself. It is lost. Even if, for some reason, it did re-tether itself it would be out of context, a memory that has no beginning or end. The human brain is one of the most complex things on this earth and we just don't know enough about it."

You want to ask if Zola's serum could re-tether the string, but you decide not to. You don't want to put that thought into their minds.

 _ _Such a simple thing that they, in actual fact, have never considered.__

The doctor continues. "So, we come along and get rid of the balloons that we do not want him to keep and his mind comes out as so. It is a very basic explanation of a mind wipe." He draws the shape of the brain again with the part they work on, and this time it has fewer tendrils with shapes attached to it.

"So - if I have got this right - you keep practical things like how to walk, talk, eat, sleep, and who he now is...but not who he was?"

The doctor nods and then adds: "We need to also keep more serious in depth learning such as his training with weapons, etcetera, as well as things such as the string with your name on it so he remembers you as his Constant," at this the doctor smiles.

"But how do you know which strings to cut and which ones to leave alone?"

His smile falters. "One of Zola's algorithms in tandem with our own studies. We have had...practice. We may not always get it right each time so you may find that sometimes he is a little...distracted, maybe upset, even angry. Perhaps he will not remember something that he should. Of course," he continues, "the first mind wipe will be the worst. That is the one we need to get rid of as much of his memory as we can...well that he has left after...you know..." Here he actually blushes a bit. You want to fill the rest of it in for him __you mean after Lehmann literally scraped the flesh from his bone, broke his mind and split it into two__ but you also want to keep him on your side and so you just nod to show you know what he is talking about.

He continues: "...but then all the subsequent wipes will be to just remove anything he has picked up in between that we don't need him to remember."

You are quiet as you take this in and then he carries on.

"We have decided to do the mind wipe before he is put in cryo freeze each time. That should help keep him from dreaming. Then, when he awakens, we take him for programming. I can't tell you much about that part but returning to our example..." He pulls up the piece of paper again. "Each level of the program is like a new balloon with a tether that we sew in, we also have to try and give it context, so it makes sense to him when he accesses it."

"Such as?" you ask.

"Well... say one for reiterating who he is, who Hydra is, and his loyalty to us. Mission details. At the end of it all we will have a functioning Winter Soldier."

 _ _A functioning murderer,__ you think to yourself.

You look again at the pictures he has drawn. "Will the mind wipe hurt him?" you ask.

He looks at you a bit surprised. "Good God girl, of course it will. We are pulling his mind to shreds. We have to de-construct it every time, cutting him off from things he has had trapped in there since goodness knows when. Some of the equipment we use is laser driven and will burn away brain matter, which is why some people believe the balloons are completely destroyed, not just the strings. It will be agony for him. But at the end of it we hope that he is left with a calm oasis, ready to slot in the programming."

 _ _A calm oasis.__ Sounds almost appealing if you didn't know the suffering it will cause the Winter Soldier. You want to remind him about what he said about the anger he mentioned, about the distraction, but you don't. The problem with doctors and scientists is that they have no bedside manner. He would not dream of telling you that it would not hurt if it didn't. It does not occur to him that this is something they should not be doing to another human being.

"Will you use anaesthetic?" you ask anxiously, but deep down you know the reply.

"No. We need the brain to be conscious and functioning. I guess there may be times we have to put him under, but the majority of the time he will be conscious for it."

"So you are close to having this up and running?"

"Oh yes very close, we just need to iron out a few... _ _wrinkles.__ " As he says this the doctor pictures the latest poor bastard they used the sequence on. It wasn't a pretty sight. "We will just need to calibrate the machine to the Winter Soldier's mind."

"What will the pain be like?" You still cannot get past that stage.

"Hmm. I would imagine like a thousand needles being plunged into his brain, or if you prefer a thousands wasps stinging continuously...it won't be pleasant, but it can't be helped. Now..." He looks at his watch. "...If that is all I must get going, things to do." He says smiling and standing up. He gathers up his papers and you follow suit.

"One last question doctor." He looks over the top of his glasses at you. "Can I be there when you...when you're doing the wipes?" you ask.

"I personally can't see a problem - in fact it might help to keep the patient calmer - but you need to check with Director Lehmann on that. It will be his call."

You put out your hand to shake.

"Well thank you for taking the time to explain it to me in layman's terms, I do appreciate it," you say, smiling.

Smiling when all you want to do is hit his head into the table repeatedly until his brains are splattered over the entire top. You need to keep these people believing you are interested in their work, that you find it fascinating because you want to learn as much as you can. You hate kowtowing to them but every time you learn a bit more you feel it will help you understand what the Winter Soldier will finally be.

And more importantly, if there is a chance James is still in there and can be bought back.


	28. Chapter 28 - Hydra - The Meeting

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Twenty-Eight: Hydra -The Meeting****

The meeting is held offsite, away from the camp. There are five people in attendance: Armin Zola; the Austrian Doctor Johann Fennhoff; Director Lehmann; and Peter and Elise, Lehmann's assistants. They will assist him with the Winter Soldier's programming.

Johann is adamant that the Winter Soldier's personality being split is not a problem. "I have been studying your findings and I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"So do you think we can address it when we begin the programming?" Lehmann asks, relief showing in his face.

Fennhoff shakes his head. "No, the programming needs to be done when the personalities are as one. Both sides of his personality are needed to produce the final result, an assassin who will obey orders and do anything you programme him to do."

Lehmann holds his hands up, confused. "But you just said..."

"Johann is thinking of the mind wipe rather than the programming." Zola says, watching both men.

Fennhoff nods in agreement and moves to sit more comfortably. "When you wipe his mind, providing the wipe is deep enough it should combine the personalities."

Fennhoff takes up the explanation. "You will be taking away the memories of what hurt him so badly to split his mind. You will remove all the things he... _ _pined__ for when you kept him prisoner. None of this will be there any more. All he will know is the basics, Hydra and then whatever you programme back into him."

Fennhoff talks for a few more minutes, and finally Lehmann can see light at the end of the tunnel.

It is all beginning to make sense.

"We have not as yet been totally successful with the wipes, but I don't think we are to far from having the answer. The latest wipe we tried the man actually survived." Lehmann doesn't like to add they had to put a bullet in his brain before he tore the place apart in his need to stop the noise in his head and the burning in his brain. "And then we can move forward and onto the programming. I understand from Armin that you believe you have found the answer to our predicament?"

So far, Fennhoff's programming has worked but just for a short time. They need a far longer duration for programming the Winter Soldier's mind. It will need to stay in place for days rather than just hours.

Fennhoff nods and reaches for his coffee. "It was an interesting problem, one I believe we have solved. When I use my... _ _ability,__ it is all based on suggestion and focus. All I have done is extend this is to use more stronger methods. Later, if you have time, I can show you the instrumentation we will be using. The only problem is the amount of time the programming will take for each session, and some of it will be painful to the subject. It will cause physical problems, but..." here he looks at Zola. "...any damage done should be more or less repaired by the serum within 12 to 24 hours."

"When you say longer, what time frame are you thinking of for programming?" Lehmann asks.

"Well. Hours, rather than days, but it will depend on the complexity of the job he is to be sent on. If it is simple or you are just waking him for training then..." here he shrugs " it should take maybe three to five hours. If it is a mission then it will take longer dependant on how complex the mission is, what parameters you will be setting, maybe eight hours followed by another session the next day. You have to understand however long we do it for eventually the programming will begin to deteriorate and so you will need a failsafe in place."

"I still don't really understand why the programming doesn't stay in force longer. It has on our...previous subjects," Peter says. He is new to the project and has not fully understood the background of the patient.

"My serum," Zola says and smiles. "Sometimes it works faster than we want it to. When the wipe and programming is done it causes damage. The serum is designed to repair, and this of course is what it does. However, it also views the removal of the Winter Soldiers memories as damage and works to repair some of it. It will not repair it all just the most recent memories, say in the last few years but given time it could restore more memory than we wish him to have...lucky for us though the damage to the brain takes longer for the serum to work on than say a broken arm or a bullet wound."

"So...when he comes out of programming, that is why he needs to rest? Because of the damage?" Zola nods, but Peter has not finished yet. "Exactly what damage are you talking about to the brain?"

Johann answers that one.

"Nothing serious, nothing that will prevent him from carrying out what we want. He will feel disorientated, there will be minor bleeding - probably from the ears and nose - headaches maybe, even migraines." He shrugs as if to indicate it is a minor worry.

"We have someone who will look after him until he is ready to be sent out. But, as Johann says, we do need a failsafe in place for when the control starts to fade. For all intents and purpose he will be a ticking clock once he is out of cryo and has been programmed." Zola says.

"And the failsafe?" Peter asks, and at this Lehmann sighs.

"Still something we need to find." It is a solution he has been trying to work out for a while now but with no luck. It is not as if they can ask the Winter Soldier to let them know when he begins to remember; they will put it into the programming scripts, but if he begins to remember too much he may not want to tell them and they cannot take that risk. That would make him very dangerous.

They group go quiet, and for the first time Elise speaks. "You already have something in place," she says quietly. The men look at her. To her it is simple, but they have missed it completely. "The woman," she says holding her hands up. They know about the woman, Freya, already. They still do not fully understand why her presence calms him when he first wakes from cryo and Lehmann is still concerned over using her. He doesn't like that loss of control they have.

"I fail to see..." Lehmann starts, but Zola shushes him and asks Elise to explain.

"The woman you say is needed to calm him, we do not really know why, but her being there grounds him. You said he has feelings for her even after you broke his mind. We have already said that when we do a mind wipe we will leave her impression there in his mind so he still knows her...although I do have doubts as to whether we would actually be able to make him forget her. The brain is too complex for us to understand...love." She stops to ensure that they are following her, and then continues. "However, in the programming I suggest we will alter that. Bury it. Make him think she is there just to look after him, provide him with anything he needs. You will need a trigger so that he almost hates her; maybe tell him she belongs to him, but that she is a woman of... _ _loose morals__ shall we say. In the programming, have a level of thought that encourages jealousy and anger towards her. She will be there to look after him so they will always be thrown together, and he will at first treat her with disrespect, even hate. But then as the programming begins to falter he will begin to remember her. This will show in his treatment of her, the way he reacts to her, talks to her, that will be easy for us to pick up on. And of course we will be able to see this not just from his point of view, but from hers as well. I have seen them together and I know how much he means to her."

Lehmann does not know how she has managed to pinpoint the solution so succinctly, because he is the only one in the facility who knows the Winter Soldier believes Freya belongs to him, is his possession. He knows now is not the time to tell them that he hopes to be able to replace her with someone else, someone who respects Hydra more than Freya does, someone who knows where their true loyalty should lie. She will at sometime become one of his missions...but he is letting his thoughts digress, and pulls himself back to the present.

"Only a woman could come up with that," he says. The idea of telling the soldier that his only possession is a whore appeals to Lehmann. Revenge on the scare the Winter Soldier gave him, and recurring revenge on the woman who is a thorn in his side. It is perfect.

Zola is not so sure at first. But it is Johann that persuades him it is the right thing to do. Even now with the Winter Soldier becoming their asset he knows there is something buried deep in him for the nurse.

"She may not agree to it." Zola says, but Elise is the one that answers.

"She will not know. You must not tell her. She will be as hurt by his treatment as he is by hearing she is a whore. Her whole demeanour will change when he begins to remember her, she will...shine like a beacon," and Elise smiles and Lehmann realises for the first time that this woman is more intelligent than he first thought.

Not just intelligent, but ruthless as well.

More is discussed and decided upon. Three hours later, the plan is actually coming together. As soon as the last problems with the wipes have been ironed out, the Winter Soldier will be wiped and hopefully his personalities combined. The first wipe will always be the most complex because they will have more to destroy. Each time he goes into cryo, the wipe will be used to create a fresh slate. He will be allowed to remember Freya is his Constant because he needs that stability. When he is brought out he will waken to find his Constant there, soothing and calming him, preparing him for the next part of the procedure.

He will then be taken for programming, where all the different layers will be added to the blank slate until the knowledge of who and why he is there is built up. The knowledge of the Constant will be buried and a new idea planted, one that the woman looking after him is a whore, someone who is unimportant to Hydra, someone who he has no respect for. Lehmann is more than happy with this; he does not want the Winter Soldier to respect this woman, he does not want her to have any power over him in any way. When they are satisfied the programming has taken, he can then be trained and given more information. Once that is finished he can be sent on mission. Whilst on mission they will have another failsafe in place. Within the __uniform__ they dress him will be monitors that will report back how he is functioning, there are still minor issues to iron out but those will be corrected by the time of his first mission.

The amount of time he is awake for will be determined on what is taking place.

When he returns they will conduct a mission report to see if there were any problems, any difficulty with him. He will be allowed to return to his Constant for one more day, in case the serum needs to repair any damage as it cannot work in cryo whilst the soldier is asleep. By this time they know his memories will be returning, the clock will be ticking. By the time he is wiped he will remember who his Constant is, and will be allowed to retain this information when he is wiped and returned to cryo.

All in all, they are satisfied with how the meeting has gone.

Soon they will have one of their greatest assets, the new fist of Hydra.

The Winter Soldier will be used for top-level targets only. He will be kept up to date on all the latest weapons, all the latest technology, languages, anything and everything he needs. He is already a top marksman and he will undergo training at the highest level. Although they do not want him to have too much detail of the outside world they know to complete some missions he will need information, and so a plan will be put in place of to keep him updated on things such as world politics. All from Hydra's point of view. He must always think he is doing the missions for the good of the world, to help Hydra bring order out of chaos.

A four man team of soldiers will be sent with him each time. They will travel with him, acting as a safety net, and provide help with exit points. The leader of the four man team will have certain handler rights and knowledge in case of emergencies out in the field.

Zola is extremely pleased. There is no need for an army or super-soldiers; instead, one person in the right place at the right time can change the world - and he intends to.

It is so close to becoming a reality he can almost touch it.

At the end of the meeting, Lehmann allows his assistants to walk ahead to the car until he knows they are out of earshot.

"Just to let you know, the other __problem__ we talked about is being seen to."

Zola frowns.

"The girl...the Constant." Lehmann elaborates, and Zola realises what it is Lehmann is talking about. His cheeks colour, it is not something he really wants to talk about. Fennhoff looks at him.

"I'll explain later." Zola says.

"It will be sorted the next time we put her out for cryo-freezing, and it shouldn't take long." Lehmann almost enjoys Zola's discomfort with the subject.

They reach the car and Lehmann opens the door. "After you," he says courteously, and Zola and Fennhoff climb in. Elise is in the front, and Peter is driving. Lehmann gets in and slams the door shut.

He is pleased with today's meeting.

Everything is coming along splendidly.


	29. Chapter 29 - Prevention

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. There are disturbing medical procedures in this chapter.**

 ** **Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Constant & The Patient - Prevention****

You awaken on the bed, dressed in the vest and pants you were wearing when you entered cryo-freeze. A female orderly moves around the room and you have difficulty in focusing on her. Has there been a problem with you in cryo? Although you normally feel sick when you come out, you do not feel as bad as this. Your head is pounding and when you move your whole body aches; it feels like you have been kicked in the stomach.

"I don't feel so good," you say to the woman and she nods and suggests you take a bit longer to rest. She helps you move so that you can lie under the blankets and she encourages you to take two pain killers. You lay back down and do not realise but you are out for another four hours.

You sit up just as the door opens and one of the doctors appears. When he looks at you, you can see he tries to hide the alarm on his face. You are so pale.

"We need you in the main room," he says, and you swing your feet around to get up but instead you find yourself falling forward. Luckily, the orderly catches you.

"I think she's going to need a little longer," you hear her say before you black out.

The third time you wake up you feel better, but it's still as if you have been kicked. The doctor is there and he bullies you into getting up; you get the idea that you have caused them a great inconvenience.

To your mind though you cannot understand why they are waking the patient so soon after they have woken you; this is only a test, so it is not as if they have to wake him for a mission, those have not even started yet. You do not realise seven hours has gone by since they first brought you around.

"Did anything go wrong when you brought me out?" you ask.

He won't meet your eyes, and instead answers you impatiently. "No. Of course not."

"I just...I just need to use the toilet," you say and stumble away before he can complain.

You lock the door to the cubicle and sit down to pee but it hurts. __Oh great,__ you think, __an infection. Just what I need.__ But it seems to be more than that, and there is blood in your urine. You go back into the room and the orderly helps you dress.

"Is Stefan about?" you ask. He is usually here when you wake - but the woman just shakes her head.

"I think they sent him over to help Kristo with something just after they put you under. He won't be back until tomorrow, I'm afraid."

You nod and try to smile. This is unusual. Stefan has never been sent anywhere before, has never worked in the part of the camp Kristo returned to. That is the problem with Hydra. It plays on a person's paranoia and you tell yourself to stop being stupid.

The lower part of your stomach feels as if it is pulling, and there is pain down there. You follow the doctor with a stiff gait, and the world seems a bit tipsy turvy. The orderly had insisted on you taking another couple of painkillers and you are glad she did.

You need to talk to someone. You feel that something may have gone wrong in the latest round. You were due to be out of it for a week and when you asked the orderly that is how long you were down for. Perhaps they are using a new drug to bring you back to reality? You do not get a chance to ask as the doctor keeps up the pace and you find you have to almost jog to keep up with him. Each step you take sends streaks of pain through your body. __This is ridiculous,__ you think.

He leads you to the main room and you can see they are preparing to bring the patient around.

"Get her a chair, for God's sake, before she falls down!" one of the other doctors snaps, and you realise you were leaning against the wall in an effort to keep yourself upright. The world isn't spinning quite as much as it was but you still feel as if you are seeing everything from far away.

As you sit there is a increase in the pain in your lower stomach but you try to ignore it; you need to be here for the patient. He needs to see you. You are his Constant.

Doctor Jakobs is usually here, but you can't see him. Doctor Taffeteer comes up and you ask where Doctor Jakobs is but he tells you he is busy and won't be attending this particular awakening. He crouches down in front of you, concerned about your pale skin, and he gives you a cup of water and two more tablets. You shake your head and explain that you have had some tablets but you gratefully accept the water. He cannot meet your eyes, however, and that is when you begin to know something is wrong. It is not just your paranoia.

Something has happened.

You ask him, but he colours slightly and is evasive. You can see he doesn't know what to say. "Nothing. Come on now buck up, we need you for the patient." He smiles and pats your knee and then walks back to in the rest of the doctors. They are now totally concentrated on the patient, on bringing him out. You sit back and watch the procedure, knowing that you are not needed yet.

Ten minutes later the pain killers have kicked in and you are feeling slightly better, but still as if you have been kicked by a mule. They are ready to give the patient the final injection which will bring him back to consciousness. They get you to move next to the master chair so you are in his line of sight; he needs to see you, recognise you, and know you are not a threat. He needs to be kept calm, just in case. You hear them engage the arm clamps.

They are counting backwards and the chair is swinging up into the seating position. You watch as his eyelids flutter and you see his hands start to clench around the seat handles. You place your hand over his right one.

In the future, when everything is up and running, they will wipe him before every cryo-freeze so that when he comes around his memory of certain things will be blank. At the moment they have not attempted a wipe because of the problem of sorting out the two personalities. You know that Zola has invited another doctor to see if they can work out a way of combining the personalities. Since then Lehmann has seemed a lot happier about the situation.

The count finishes and for a moment nothing happens, then he opens his eyes. This part always makes your stomach flutter. You watch him blink. He catches sight of you. Those blue eyes drink you in; his whole body seems to relax and it takes a few moments for you to realise everything is going to be all right.

"You've just awoken from the cryo freeze testing, and you are going to feel a bit strange for a few moments. Just breathe and take your time," you say to him. He is looking straight at you and you feel relieved. He nods at you, understands what you are saying, he remembers. He leans back and closes his eyes and you move back away slightly so the doctors can start their barrage of tests.

You know they now need to check him over, and you also know he hates this part but you stay with him to translate. The patient is coming on extremely well with learning Russian and some of the time he replies before you have any need to on his behalf. He is calm and does everything asked of him but there is a flatness in his gaze, almost like that of an automaton.

At the end of the session you are shattered. It makes no sense at all. You tell him you will see him later back at your room. He frowns and you tell him you are just tired and your head hurts.

"Just a bad head. I need to sleep it off."

He is used to you staying for the full time and you hope he just accepts your excuses. He does...but you can see he doesn't like it.

When you get back to your room you go into the bathroom and lean on the sink. Your face is pale in the mirror. You are so uncomfortable and your stomach is hurting; you pull up the gown and reflected in the mirror is an angry dark patch of bruising across your lower stomach. You blink and look closer and immediately recognise what it is: you are bleeding internally. Something happened when you were in cryo. Something serious.

Before you can stop yourself you are sick into the sink, but you hardly throw up anything: water, bile and blood. It feels like you are tearing your insides apart. In the bathroom is an emergency call button in case there are problems with the patient. You move to hit it, and as you do you lose consciousness. You do not even hear the blaring of the klaxon.

When you come around you are lying on your bed. Two of the doctors are there, together with Stefan and Lehmann.

There is no sign of the patient.

"Idiots! Why didn't you check first?" Lehmann is saying. Demanding.

One of the doctors sees you and indicates you are awake. Lehmann turns to look at you but is dismissive. He turns back to the doctors. "Just sort it out," he says before leaving the room.

You try to sit up and the pain doesn't seem so bad as it did. It is 24 hours later and they have operated on you again – not that you find this out until later.

Two operations, and neither with your knowledge or consent.

"Orderly, will you leave us please," one of the doctors says and Stefan looks as if he wants to refuse. You try to smile and tell him you will be all right.

You are left with the two doctors, neither of whom like you or want to spend time with you; to them, you are nothing but a minor player, a mere distraction from their important work that they want to get back to.

"You will find you'll be all right now. Just a slight complication in the process." one says, indicating by his tone that he believes it was your fault.

"What process? What happened to me?" Your voice is quiet; you need a drink of water and ask for one. The other doctor tuts and goes to the bathroom and brings back a cup of water. Your hand shakes and you spill some of it on the sheets.

He takes the cup away from you once you have drunk some.

"What happened to me?" You ask again looking at them, "what...what did you do to me?"

"Tubed litigation..." And in case you didn't realise what that is he makes it easier for you: "We sterilised you. Theres no need for you to make any fuss."

You are quiet. You did not hear them right. They cannot have said what you thought they said.

One of the doctors indicates that they need to be going. You have a rising ball of panic in your chest.

"You..."

The doctor hears you start to speak and cuts you off mid sentence. He makes it obvious he doesn't understand why women are always so hysterical. "We sterilised you. Surely you realise we can't have you falling pregnant, especially as the patient uses you to … " his face goes blotchy, and red "...relieve himself, he can't be allowed to breed. I'm perfectly sure you can understand that. "

You are stunned. You search for something to say, but before you can they tell you to rest and then they are gone; gone before you can speak, before you can cause a scene.

You slowly move back onto your pillow, your mind wants to blank out what you heard. Then the panic returns and you push back the covers, pull up the gown and stare at your stomach. The angry purple colour has receded. The area is bloated and painful.

"No...no, no... " you are saying without realising it.

They can't have done this to you. They didn't ask. They never said a word. They never...then you remember the conversation you had with Zola. It seems so long ago. You had thought you were pregnant, when in fact they were drugging your food to see if you were suitable for the cryo-freezing process.

You close your eyes and you curl up onto your side.

They cannot have done this to you.

But they have.

 **...**

It is later. You think you may have slept. Your eyes are swollen and you feel bruised and battered in mind and body. You hear a commotion on the other side of the door and it opens then closes. Footsteps come over to the bed. You don't care. You don't want to talk to them again. You don't want to look at them. You curl up tighter, not really wanting to because it hurts, you start to cry again.

A hand touches your shoulder and you pull away but it persists and someone pulls you over to look at them. It is the patient.

He doesn't know what is wrong. He hasn't seen you for over a day; they told him you were unwell, __nothing to worry about.__

"Freya," he whispers your name.

He looks at you, puzzled. His eyes show he is anxious, confused.

You shake your head. You suddenly think that he won't want you any longer, that you can't be a woman to him any more – it is a stupid thought, but you are not thinking straight. Your emotions are all over the place.

You try to turn away. His hand tightens; he won't let you. You need to comfort him, reassure him, but you can't, you have nothing left in you for anyone else at the moment.

"Go away," you sob.

 _ _He is so confused, she has never been like this before, pushing him away. Her face is swollen and red from crying. She smells of blood and sweat, panic rises in his chest. His heart starts thumping, something is wrong - very wrong.__

"Go away!" you scream. You pull away, to the other side of the bed still sobbing. You know you are getting hysterical but it is welling up in you, you cannot control it.

Instead of leaving he climbs onto the bed and forcibly pulls you up. He tries to put his arms around you but you fight him. Pain lances up through your body and you are hysterical now, you don't even hear him saying your name. Then he holds you as tight as he dares and starts to rock you. You sob.

It is a complete role-reversal.

 _ _The words she is trying to say come out making no sense at all. Something here is wrong, very wrong, and it not of his making. He has sent the quiet one to sleep for now and he is determined to find out what is wrong. She is upset and needs time. The one thing he is learning is patience. He doesn't like it, but sometimes he realises there is no other option to get what he wants.__

Slowly your sobs grow quieter. Outside the door there is another commotion. You feel him tense, but nobody enters. He relaxes and picks up a corner of the sheet and starts wiping your face, your eyes and now you start crying again but silently.

"Tell me," he whispers.

You shake your head and you do not realise it but you are clinging to him now. He carries on wiping your face and rocking you gently.

 _ _He is quiet until he hears her breath hiccup and he knows she is ready to talk. She doesn't see his eyes. He is learning, making them think they have his quiet side, his acquiescent side, the one that is currently asleep. She doesn't see his metal fist which is curled up in on itself so tight. This is his woman, his property. They wouldn't tell him what was wrong but he is learning to play the game, he knows they have done something.__

" _ _Tell me," he says.__

 _ _And haltingly she does.__

 **...**

It has been another long day and the doctor is tired, but more than that he is annoyed for all the trouble the stupid woman has caused. How were they to know their would be complications? He isn't a gynaecologist. What does it matter? It's not as if they would ever allow the patient to breed. If it were up to Hydra, a lot more people wouldn't be allowed to either. He told Lehmann to get that old fool Jakobs to do it, but Lehmann had insisted he do it instead. Anyway, it all came right at the end.

He barrels into the changing room. He is going to change, go back to his rooms, and have a quiet evening. He opens his locker and reaches for his tie when he hears a movement behind him and turns. The door to the changing room closes in on him as the patient steps forward. Eyes blank.

"You shouldn't be in here. This is for doctors only!" The doctor is indignant, annoyed, and speaks to him like a subordinate, like a child.

He turns his back on him but then realises the patient hasn't moved, hasn't said a word, and he turns slowly back, a terrible feeling starting in his gut.

The patient is closer to him and his hand shoots out and grabs the doctor around the neck. The doctor feels the metal dig into his throat and his hands scrabble against the patient's arm. He is lifted off the floor and held against one of the locker doors. He tries to speak, but the pressure closes off his windpipe and then carries on getting tighter and tighter.

The patient's eyes now glow with an anger this man has never seen before. He gets in close, really close.

"You cut her," he growls quietly, looking into the man's eyes.

The doctor is so frightened he wets himself. He can hear his heart beating loudly in his ears. He tries to shake his head, no. He may have done the operation but it was Lehmann that sanctioned it. He gurgles trying to talk, trying to breathe. The patient carries on squeezing, well beyond what he needs to, until he is holding a lifeless body.

The door bangs open and guards run in, shouting for him to let go of the doctor. He does and makes no effort to protect himself when one of the guards uses the end of his rifle to club him to his knees.

Doctor Lehmann is in the doorway. He sees the waste of a good mind, and he knows exactly what has happened. He is angry and tells the guards to take the patient away. "Lock him in...and make sure he stays there."

As the patient is taken out he smiles his thin-lipped smile at Lehmann and, without realising it, seals his own fate.

 **...**

Lehmann and Zola are arguing. Jakobs stands by, watching them.

"We need to wipe him now," Lehmann snarls.

Zola is indecisive. "I'm not sure now is the time to. You are angry, and therefore you are doing it for the wrong reasons."

"We have to do it some time!" Lehmann is adamant that he is going to get his way. He needs to sort this. Day after day...one more test after another. They are wasting time. They need to do it now. It is time.

"But the technology isn't ready yet. They haven't performed enough checks..." Jakobs looks at Zola, who won't meet his eyes.

Zola looks at Lehmann. "Be it on your own head."

Lehmann turns to the other doctors.

"Wipe him."

"But..." Jakobs tries to argue, but Lehmann has had enough.

"I said wipe him! And make her watch." He blames her for what is his own fault.

"I don't think there is any need for..." Jakobs starts, and Lehmann looks at him.

"Make her watch so she can see how vulnerable he is in our hands. Next time, she will learn to keep him at arm's length. We were stupid. We have made him reliant on her, and now look what's happened."

He turns back to Zola. "We need to terminate her. To find someone else."

"He needs a Constant. She must stay. It has to be her. We've been over this too many times already."

Lehmann tries to argue further, but this time Zola's tone brokers no further argument on the matter. He is sick of it. Sick of arguing.

"Mores the pity." Lehmann turns back to the doctors. "Wipe him, and make sure its deep."

 **...**

You are brought into the main room, hustled into the corner, and made to sit down on a chair. A guard stands next to you. Whatever it is they are going to do, you will not be allowed to interfere. You don't know what is happening.

The patient is already sat in the master chair, his chest bare. There is machinery around him that you know is something to do with the wiping process, but they have not used it before and your heart goes to your mouth. Surely they are not going to wipe him? Not yet! The process isn't complete, it is still in the testing phase!

The patient doesn't see you. Someone leans over him and puts a mouth guard in, which he is told to bite down on. The chair begins to rotate and then the two bands of steel either side of the chair come up and over his arms so he cannot move. The rings have been reinforced.

The chair tilts back as two thick metal plates come up either side of his head. One moves to cover the left side of his face.

Everyone in the room is concentrating on the patient, but even so you cannot move out of the chair they have sat you in. If you do the guards have been told to shoot you.

There is a whining sound, and parts of the plates against his head start to glow. Suddenly he jerks in the seat and cries out. The whine starts to build and you want to put your hands over your ears to shut out the whine and the noise of his screams. Because that is what he is doing now, screaming as pain fills his whole head. His body is taut, cords standing out in his neck, his eyes are screwed shut and you can smell burning hair and flesh. His teeth have clamped down so hard on the mouth guard that afterwards they will not be able to reuse it and two of his back teeth have cracked.

Lehmann is there. Watching. Concentrating. He has so much riding on this.

One of the doctors goes to switch it off but Lehmann shakes his head.

"I told you to make the wipe deep! Turn the dial all the way up. " he says and instead of switching the machine off they turn up the dial as instructed, they increase the pain.

One of the doctors wipes his brow, and you realise for the first time that Zola is not there.

 _ _The Winter Soldier is straining against the bindings which cut into his flesh. The pain is unbearable as he feels parts of his brain burnt away. He cannot escape. He is held tightly and there is nothing he can do. He can smell his own flesh burning, feel his mind being ripped apart. He alternates between the two identities, trying to escape: but neither of them can cope with it, neither of them can stop it.__

 _ _He cannot take any more. His mind blacks out.__

You don't know how long it goes on for - it seems to never end - but one of the doctors is now dialling down the machine and the whine is decreasing.

The patient is unconscious. The chair returns to it normal position and the steel bands spring back - all but one. The one on his right arm has somehow become embedded in the flesh and cannot release itself. Blood is speckling the floor.

Lehmann moves forward and talks quietly to the doctors as they inspect the patient, inspect what the monitors are telling them. You cannot hear what they say, your ears are still humming from the sudden stillness in the room.

Lehmann then turns to you. He walks over, comes forward and leans right into your space. You look up at him. His hands are on the arms of your chair, you can smell his breath.

You lean back as far as you can.

"See what you have forced us to do? If you have any feelings whatsoever for that... _ _thing__ , then you will do well to remember he is ours to do with as we like. You caused this, you and your stupidity. If you don't want this happening again then remember you are just here to ground him and..." He sneers at you, "...service him, nothing else. You will __not__ stop this project from going forward in any way or I will have you terminated. Is that clear?"

You can see from the look in his eyes and the way the other doctors are kowtowing to him that he has become a major player in Hydra, and that is frightening. The hatred in those eyes shows as a madness; this man lives and breathes power and Hydra, and nothing will ever stand in his way.

"I said, __is that clear__?" His voice stays low but the menace in it is real.

You nod. You feel so scared you can't speak. He stands up and faces the doctors and guards, all of whom are now staring at him.

"And what are you looking at?" He demands. "Get everything sorted and back on track…fix __that__ for next time," he says pointing to the band. "And then get him back to his room and stabilised. Let me know the minute he comes around." His voice carries authority and anger, a terrible combination.

He leaves the room.

For a second, nobody moves - until a groan is heard and everyone turns back to the patient. He is struggling to regain consciousness, but they cannot allow him to yet. They start scurrying around and you are released from the fear that has held you in check.

The guards allow you up so you can help; after all, you are a nurse. The band that was embedded is still trying to come loose; they forgot to disengage it and the band of metal comes away with a loud sucking noise.

"Oh hell!" you hear one of the doctors say.

"Hypo!" yells another. They will need to keep him out, keep him unconscious until they can release him and get him out of there. Until they are ready for him to wake up.

 **...**

 _ _Later, in his office. Lehmann closes the file. Perhaps this time everything turned out for the best. It forced their hand, made them use the wipe. He is sure that when the Winter Soldier wakes he will be one personality now. The brain waves they were following seem to infer that something had happened and when Fennhoff saw the readings he was very pleased.__

 _ _Lehmann congratulates himself on the good call on his part not to tell the woman what the complication was; that she was two months pregnant when they sterilised her. They hadn't realised.__

 _ _Best, he thinks, that she, or the Winter Soldier, never find out.__

 **...**

 _ _That night Doctor Jakobs pays a visit to the furnace room. He is allowed anywhere in the complex but it is better if no one sees he is here.__

 _ _He carries a small wooden box. Inside something is nestled between two layers of cotton wool. It is the only thing he could find for the job.__

 _ _He starts as someone comes up behind him, but it is only Stefan.__

 _ _Stefan helps open the furnace door and holds up the shovel so the blade is balanced. Gently, and with reverence, Jakobs lays the little box down on it.__

 _ _Lehmann had ordered tests to be done on the fetus the next day. He wants to know if the serum is present in the remains.__

 _ _Jakobs will not let that happen.__

 _ _Hydra have taken both James and Freya apart, taken their lives away from them. He will not allow anything to happen to their dead child.__

" _ _She must never find out," he says.__

 _ _Stefan places the shovel blade into the fire and as gently as he can, he puts the box down on the burning coals and then removes the shovel. Then he closes the door.__

 _ _They both silently say a prayer.__

" _ _When did we become such monsters?" Jakobs says before they leave but Stefan knows it is not a question.__

 _ _It does not need a reply.__


	30. Chapter 30 - After the Wipe

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Thirty: After The Wipe****

 ** **Part One****

 ** **The Constant - After The Wipe****

The patient is unconscious.

They have moved him back to a special room made for containing him. It has been set up as a medical facility, and has been outfitted with precautions such as straps on the single bed, panic alarms, telephones, and two guards outside.

You sit by his bedside.

This is the first time they have used this technology on him and they are worried; you can see it in their eyes. Jakobs has told you about the poor bastards they have tested it on already, that they were left as gibbering idiots or catatonic and had to be put down with a single bullet between the eyes. You know that it is your fault they have used the wipe earlier than they intended to. If only you had not told him what they had done to you. You blame yourself.

You always blame yourself.

This machine used for the wipe is an amazing piece of technology. Thankfully, it had already been at the end of its testing phase and was calibrated to the Winter Soldier's brain waves. Lehmann was the one who has ordered it. He took full responsibility, and he recognised that this was a make or break moment for both him and the patient. But he was confident it would work.

And he was right.

The other doctors had wanted to start with a basic run, baby steps, but Lehmann insisted they went the whole way first time: a complete wipe. No one can tell the damage at present. His arm is bandaged where the arm band sunk into his flesh in his need to escape the pain but it is already healing. There was blood from his nose and ears but you have wiped that clean. The doctors do not expect there to be any other problems with the bleeding inside the brain as the lasers have burnt and cauterised the flesh. The slight burns on the side of his face and in his hair are almost completely healed.

They have decided to allow the Winter Soldier to wake in his own time. It is out of their hands. They cannot force it.

The door has been left open, and the doctors have been in and out all day. Lehmann is like a cat on a hot tin roof, demanding regular updates. All you have been able to tell them so far is he is still sleeping, twitching occasionally as if in a dream state.

The Winter Soldier is strapped to the bed. They cannot guarantee that when he wakes up he will not still retain the two personalities, and if so which one will be in charge. They don't want to take any chances. All of their hopes are riding on the possibility that they will have combined.

And what will that make him to you?

You are watching him when his eyes open, but only because you spotted his hand curling on the bed. You press the buzzer by the bedside, stand up, and put your hand on his shoulder.

"Its all right. You're okay." you say quietly, but when you look into his eyes you draw back slightly. At first you think it is the second personality - you think there is anger there and it takes you a few moments to realise it is not. This man looks at you a slight frown on his face. Looks at your hand. Unconsciously you take it away.

He doesn't seem to know you, not in the way he should.

He tries to move and sees that he can't, and his focus is back on you.

"Why am I being held down?" His voice is strange, cold, and it feels like someone has walked over your grave. He spoke in Russian. You try and remain calm, try not to let your discomfort show on your face.

"Do you now where you are?" you ask. You don't recognise either personality in him.

He looks at the straps and starts to flex his arms, then he looks back at you. "Release these."

"I can't," you say. There is something wrong here. You don't feel you know this man, the look on his face, his eyes, his movements.

He ignores you and flexes again, then with concentration pulls forward and the straps start to give.

You take a step back.

The doctors are just coming in. They see what is happening, and one calls for the guards who come in with stun rifles. The straps have broken and he has swung around to sit on the side of the bed; it is obvious that he feels dizzy with nausea. He is dressed as he was in the main room, bare chest, trousers, bare feet.

He sits there for a while, head down, eyes closed, hands gripping the side of the bed. You need to do something.

"Drink this. It may help." you say. You pass him the cup of water on the bedside table, he looks at it for a moment. "It's just water."

He studies you then takes it and drinks it straight down.

You take the empty cup and and he stands. You step forward to help but he ignores you. He doesn't seem violent; he is just trying to get his bearings. You turn to the chair and pick up one of his tee shirts and then pass it to him to put on. Whilst he is pulling it down, Doctor Lehmann comes in and steps forward. The patient looks at him.

He seems to recognise authority when he sees it.

"What happened? Where am I?" he asks Lehmann.

"What do you remember?" Lehmann asks cautiously, glancing at you yet ready to step back if necessary.

The two guards stand by, rifles ready. The Winter Soldier glances at them and then away. It is obvious from his reaction he feels they are of no danger to him.

Lehmann thinks that Fennhoff must have been right; their plan seems to have worked. Fennhoff had said that a full wipe would combine the personalities and looking at the man in front of him he believes that is what has happened. You see a triumphant look on his face and it makes you shudder.

The patient looks at you. You can see you are familiar to him but you are not important. He has judged and dismissed you already; he doesn't think you can tell him what he needs to know.

Lehmann turns around to you. "You can go now," he says.

You look at the Winter Soldier, almost as if asking for permission. He just stares at you. Nothing. You do not know what to say.

"I said you can go now, __nurse__...we do not need you at this point." Lehmann repeats and indicates to one of the guards to take you out. As you leave you look over your shoulder; you see the patient lean forward, Lehmann talking to him quietly, and then the guard closes the door and you are alone in the corridor.

You walk back to your room. It seems so cold and uninviting without him there. You sit on the edge of the bed and your mind is in turmoil. When Lehmann said they didn't need you, you wonder if he was going to add the words __any more__.

This new Winter Soldier's eyes were cold, dead. No, worse than that; he looked at you as if you meant nothing to him. His feelings are dead and that is what they wanted, that is what happened when he was wiped. You remember as they turned up the dial making you watch the agony he went through, he may not remember you but you remember everything. You feel empty and tired and worn out. You curl up on the bed, trying not to think, hoping to lose yourself in sleep, but you can't. Memories of the field camp, of James, of your parents, your life, all whirl around in your head and you think you are going to go mad.

Later, when you cannot stand your own company any longer, you try to leave your room only to find a guard blocking your way. He tells you that for the rest of today you must stay in there - Lehmann's orders. A meal is delivered at midday, and then later in the evening but you barely touch them. The hours drag by until finally you give in and go to bed. You spend a restless night wondering what is going to happen.

The next day you see no one but the guard outside and he will tell you nothing. No one comes to tell you what is happening. You try to go to see one of the doctors, but again you find that the guard on duty will not let you anywhere. When you say you would like to go to the canteen he refuses and says your meals will be delivered. He has his orders to keep you contained. The day passes slowly.

That evening, Lehmann brings the Winter Soldier back to you.

You are startled when the door opens and they enter. Lehmann tells him these are his quarters, and he introduces you with a smirk on his face. He explains to the Winter Soldier that you will fulfil all his needs, and by __all__ he means anything and everything.

Then he leaves him with you, and for the first time in your life you want to ask Lehmann to stay. You do not want to be left with this stranger. You feel sick and unsettled, you find yourself wishing you had made an effort to change your clothes, wash your hair. It would have given you more confidence to return the stranger's stare.

The door closes behind Lehmann with what seems like a final click, and you are alone with him. Alone with the stranger.

The Winter Soldier looks around, and then looks at you, and at first you think he is going to complain. He looks you up and down his gaze lingering on your body and you can hear him in your mind - __they expect me to sleep with this?__ You find yourself trying to smooth your skirt down.

He turns and looks around the room. You step to his side and try to explain where things are, but your voice sounds high pitched, as if it is not your own, and things seem surreal. He walks to the kitchen area and fetches a glass of water to drink. You watch as he does. He puts the glass down turns and catches you watching. You know you are blushing at being caught, and you try to stutter something, try to smile again.

"I can telephone down and get a meal for you, if you like, or I can make you something light."

But he just pushes past you and makes his way to the bathroom closing the door behind him. You look around the room. What do you do now? You look quickly in the mirror; you are a mess. You straighten your clothes, and even undo another button on your blouse...then decide that made you look like a loose woman and re-button it again. You quickly undo your plait and brush your hair out, then, undecided, you loop it back as a ponytail. It doesn't seem to make any difference. You want to look good for him.

You want him to like you.

Just how stupid are you?

When he comes back out you try to talk to him again about his schedule, about how it is arranged. You watch his eyes travel over your body, and again you find yourself wishing you looked more appealable, had taken more care over your appearance. But then he reaches out and takes hold of you roughly, pulls you over to the bed, and with absolutely no feeling, he fucks you. No words. He is harsh and uncompromising. You are there just for release, nothing else. That is all he wants from you. All he takes from you; that, and __any__ sense of worth you had built up after the months of being by his side.

When he is finished with you, he leaves without a word. All you are here for is this and to make his life easier by ensuring he has everything he needed.

Everything.

You lie on the bed, close your eyes, and can still feel his hands pulling your clothes off as you had not undressed fast enough, feeling your body. No caresses, just roughness. You touched him back but he looked at you in such a way that in the end you just did what he wanted, opened your legs and tried to think of something else. He hadn't even undressed; no passion, nothing. You're surprised he didn't leave cash on the bedside table when he left. You laugh bitterly to yourself in the empty room.

This is their Winter Soldier, not yours.

In the days that follow you understand you are still to share a room, but they put in an extra bed. It is a single one and no one tells you why. You can't help but wonder if the request was his. It is tucked away in the corner so you would have somewhere to sleep on the nights he didn't want you in his bed, and for afterwards when he made it obvious you were only in his bed for one thing.

He still has nightmares, though. He wakes not knowing what is chasing him, angry, rough with you as if they were your fault, as if trying to prove to __someone__ that they don't scare him. He uses you to take his mind off them, then sends you back to your own cold bed. Finished with, dismissed.

Your days are spent ensuring everything is running smoothly. Making sure he has his meals, his clothes, ensuring he is where he should be at the right times, setting up a timetable with Lehmann and with his trainers. The doctors use the timetable to book their time with him: more tests, more blood works. He follows it religiously, never questions what they are doing to him, what they are training him for.

You give them no reason to wipe him again.

One day it is languages in the morning and gun training in the afternoon; fight training the next. He rarely shares his showers with you now, but when you do see him naked his body is bruised and battered until one day you realise there is not a mark on him. He is becoming the Winter Soldier. They cannot catch him.

His personality is cold. He is just interested in one thing: how to become a better soldier, a better killing machine. No softness, only hardness.

You notice a subtle change in the way the guards and other soldiers react to him. They are more wary, but there is a respect there. He talks with Marinov and if he asks for something to be done it is done. The powers to be may control him but he is beginning to take control of the soldiers and guards in the small unit. Some of them will be the ones chosen to travel and fight with him. They will all learn to depend on one another in the field, but here at the facility they will never totally trust him. They cannot beat him now: he is too fast. You know that soon, very soon, they will think about the next step, programming.

He has one feeling that overrides his wipe. His anger. He has difficulty controlling it but you think you may be the only one to have noticed this. You are wary of mentioning it to Lehmann in case he demands another wipe and although the Winter Soldier is not James he is your only link to him and you promised him he would never be alone. You are an intensely loyal person and take your promises seriously. You will not leave him unless it is his choice and his alone.

On occasion he has problems with his metal arm. On those days he is cranky and you are more likely to be forced onto your knees in the shower to service him - or worse, face to the wall, taken from behind so he doesn't have to look at you. You know the pain the arm can cause him but he does not allow you near to comfort him. That is not what you are there for. He is the Winter Soldier, he is allowed no comfort and would not want it anyway.

It does not occur to you that your treatment is unfair. You blame yourself for everything.

And then the day comes when he is to be taken into the field and tested. They load up the trucks and take him away with his team. You do not see him for three days, and when he returns he is tired but victorious. Six dead men are unloaded from the back of the truck, their bodies conveniently lost - six men who got too close even though this was just supposed to be field training.

Their Winter Soldier is ready.

That night he is in the shower and you know he may be sent on a mission soon. You have missed him. You need him, you want to be close to him - but he hasn't sought you out.

You take your life in your hands and seek him out instead.

As he comes back into your room he is still getting dressed. You stand in front of him and try to ask him if you can sleep with him tonight but you stutter. He goes to walk around you as if you are not there but you take hold of his arm. He looks at your hand and then at you and pulls away. The expression is a sneer but you can see, he may not be interested but his body is.

You want him to react to you, even if it just his anger; you are desperate, reckless, and slap him hard across the face. He stares at you as if he cannot believe what you just did. You raise your hand again but this time he is ready for you and you find your arms gripped tightly; you are turned around and then thrown to the floor. But you are not giving up that easy. You are close to being hysterical, all your fears and doubts are crowding your mind and you to feel angry, angry for all that has happened to you, all that has been taken away from you. You get up and charge at him.

This time he catches your arms and laughs at you. At your feeble attempts to hurt him. You are shouting, asking him if he isn't man enough to take you on. The grin is wiped from his face and he growls, pushing you backwards until your legs hit the edge of the bed. Then he releases you and you fall back. He is looking at you but then turns to walk away. You can see he wants you. Why won't he just admit it?

What can you say? What can you do to stop him from leaving? You are reckless, too reckless, you don't consider what you are saying, you want to hurt him. All the time on your own, all the time without seeing any sign of James, your safety, your life means nothing to you any more.

"I suppose they haven't covered that in your training have they? How to fuck properly." You say before you can help yourself.

He turns around slowly and the expression on his face shows you have gone to far.

He is over to you in two paces and strikes you as hard as he can. Then, grabbing you by the hair he moves you off the the bed throwing you against the wall and you fall down hard. Your lip splits and starts to bleed and you think you may have broken ribs.

You have lost your Winter Soldier. There is nothing of him left. But this one has not finished with you.

He grabs you by the hair again and pulls you up and shakes you hard. He is so angry, frustration driving him on.

"Don't ever talk to me like that again, you whore!" Spittle lands on your face and you can see that he is ready to kill you. His eyes are wild, cords of muscle stand out on his neck. He is so pumped with adrenaline that you think you know how those six dead men felt just before they died. His metal hand takes you around the throat and he begins squeezing slowly. You struggle but he is so strong that he actually lifts you off the ground and you see sparks of light around your vision.

You can hear a loud pounding in your head and then suddenly you are not being held any more and you fall to the ground at his feet, choking and gulping in deep breathes of air. Your neck feels crushed.

He crouches down next to you and again takes your hair in his hand and pulls your head back so he can look at you.

"Who the fuck are you?" he asks. His grip tightens and you don't understand.

"No one," you try to say but it comes out as a whisper.

"Who the fuck are you? Why did they give you to me?" He is so angry he is snarling and you are sure he is going to tear the hair out of your scalp.

He studies you and slowly you can see the anger start to ebb away. His grip starts to relax and he lets go. You fall to the floor on your back, sobbing. You ache all over, both your body and your soul.

He stands up and just keeps looking at you. Nothing shows in his face now, you don't know what he is thinking.

As if to prove you are nothing to him, he puts one booted foot on your rib cage and presses down. You can't breathe again, pain flares throughout your body. He moves his foot up your chest, watching you gasp for breath, then up further until it rests on your throat. One more move and he will crush your windpipe. Your hands scrabble to try to move his foot away.

Then, as though he can't be bothered with you any more, he takes his foot away. The pressure is relieved and he is gone. You lay there panting, trying to get your breath back. Trying not to think of the way he looked at you, the way there was no recognition or want in his gaze.

You are nothing to anyone any more.

That night he comes back when it is dark. You are in your own bed but you are not asleep; you keep your eyes closed and pretend you are. You hear him come into the room and he comes over to the bed where you lay.

He doesn't move for what seems an eternity. You can hear his breathing. You want to reach out to him and ask him into your bed but you no longer believe he wants you and if you react to him maybe it will just result in another beating. You couldn't cope with that. You couldn't cope with the person who was once James doing those things to you.

Finally he turns and goes to his own bed and you hear the springs of the mattress as lays down.

Neither of you sleeps well that night.

 **...**

 ** **Part Two****

 ** **The Winter Soldier - After The Wipe****

He pretends to still be asleep and listens to what is going on in the room.

He cannot remember anything and tries to determine where he is, and what is happening. He is strapped down to a bed. Surprisingly he feels calm, and senses someone close to him. A woman. She rarely leaves his side and he hears her murmuring to other people who come in and out of the room.

Slowly some form of memory starts to return. He is a soldier and he is in some kind of facility, not a hospital as he first thought. He flexes his hands: one flesh, one metal, both strong. The metal hand curls and he opens his eyes. The light in the room is fairly subdued but he still blinks once or twice.

The woman is by his side. She stands up and says something to him, touching his shoulder. He knows her...but doesn't know how. He can see that the look he gives her causes some alarm and she removes her hand quickly.

He tries to sit up but there are straps holding him down. There is not much pressure, and he tells the woman to release them and feels a slight annoyance when she refuses. He flexes against the restraints and then, pushing hard, sits up and they break.

Did they really think those would hold him?

Guards come running in together with several other people but he ignores them. It is a pretence; he is working out how many there are and who could be dangerous as he sits on the edge of the bed. In truth he also feels unbalanced and realises the woman is holding out a cup of water which he takes after a small hesitation and drains, wiping his mouth after with his wrist. She then hands him a black tee shirt which he puts on. As he does so he notices a bandage on his right arm, the skin underneath it feels tight. He dismisses it, it is not important.

Another man comes in. He somehow recognises him but cannot remember his name. It is obvious this is the man in charge by the way the others withdraw slightly; all except the woman. It feels as though she wants to protect him from this man. He doesn't need a woman's protection, he knows he could kill them all without even breaking into a sweat.

His head is painful but as he remains sitting it starts to clear, and the water has helped. He feels that for some reason his head hasn't been this clear in a long while and he wonders if he has been ill. He can see the guards are nervous by the way they keep their rifles trained on him.

The man asks him a question and he focuses his attention on him. He is definitely not a military man; he looks more like a politician, but it is obvious the power lies with him. He looks again at the woman. She is standing watching him, watching his reactions. She looks nervous, but not of him. The man turns to look at her and tells her she can go. She turns to look at him as if asking for permission and again he tries to grasp the memory that he knows who she is but it is too fleeting. In the end he ignores her and returns his attention to the man. A guard steps forwards and takes her arm, she has to leave and they close the door behind her.

"What do you remember?" The man asks him again.

He studies him for a moment. "Not an awful lot," he admits. He needs to find out more, and this is the man who can tell him.

The man nods, looking thoughtful but pleased, and he tells the Soldier to sit down. He will come to discover that Lehmann doesn't like him looming over him. With him sat down on the edge of the bed they are on more of an equal level.

"Let me give you the shortened version first and then we will discuss more. My name is Doctor Lehmann and I am the director of this facility."

The soldier nods to show he is following.

"You are a soldier and you have been...unwell. You have no rank, no name. You are just known as the Winter Soldier and nothing else. Do you understand."

The soldier nods again, finding the name familiar.

"You work for us, and we are part of an organisation called Hydra. They have sponsored you and given you that new arm. Hydra are the ones who are giving you this chance to make a difference to the world, to make it a better place. You report directly to me and no one else. If you have any questions you ask me, no one else. Do you understand?"

The Winter Soldier blinks hard as a memory hits him and for a minute he thinks he is going to pass out. Something to do with a train going at high speed, a blond man shouting at him...the blond man looks upset. He shakes his head, trying to clear it.

"Do you understand?" Lehmann repeats.

The memory is gone and the soldier nods his head, rubbing a hand over his face.

Lehmann studies him for a moment, then turns.

"Come with me. We have a lot to discuss."

The soldier stands and there is a moment of dizziness. "Where am I?" he asks, and Lehmann turns back to him.

"That is not relevant. I will tell you what you need to know and what you don't need to know is of no concern to you." With that, Lehmann leaves the room and the Winter Soldier follows.

As they walk down the corridor he again senses the guards' fear of him. His head is clear now and he feels a strength in his body that makes him feel as though he is invincible. As he walks he tries to grasp the memory he had of the train but it fails to develop. Maybe that is the accident Director Lehmann mentioned? If it is important, he guesses that Lehmann will tell him so for now he puts it out of his mind.

Lehmann spends the afternoon filling the Winter Soldier in on what Hydra is trying to do and what part he is to play in the grand scheme of things. He is to be the fist of Hydra, coming down hard on their enemies, clearing the playing board until only their own troops are left. He will work with a small team and although the Winter Soldier will be under orders, he will be responsible for each mission that he and his team are sent on. There will be a team leader whom he will work with. He will be taught all he needs to know from arms training to languages to world politics when and if it it is needed.

Lehmann then gives him a tour of the facility, but only on the levels he will use. They do not go to the surface. Lehmann explains there is still work for them to do with him before they can initiate him and send him on his first mission. There will be times when he is kept in cryo freeze, thereby extending his lifespan and enabling him to continue with his future as Hydra's main asset.

He does not question anything. He is a soldier. He obeys orders. His life belongs to them.

Towards the end of the day, after they have eaten, he is taken to a room filled with machinery, computers, and in the centre a huge chair surrounded by monitors. Again there is a familiarity in all that he is seeing. He will remain there for the rest of the night as they test his arm and assess his mind and body. Lehmann will see him again the next day to continue where they left off.

The doctors who work on him that night barely speak to him. He is subjected to pain and discomfort, but he does not say a word. His mind and his body belongs to them he knows that, he has no rights with these people. At the end of the testing he is tired and still in pain but he accepts it all without any complaint.

He is the Winter Soldier.

They allow him to sleep on a cot in the room for a couple of hours before they wake him to continue, and by the time Lehmann comes back for him next day they have finished.

They can find no problems. Lehmann's gamble has worked. He is one mind. He is theirs.

Again the Soldier spends most of the next day with Lehmann learning about Hydra. He believes everything he is told. When the day is coming to an end, Lehmann tells him he will take him back to his quarters.

These he will share with a woman.

"The one who was with me when I woke up?"

"Yes, that one. She is your Constant. She will be with you whenever we wake you from cryo-freeze as you seem to have some connection with her."

"I don't understand."

Lehmann feels like saying he doesn't either, but instead he tells the Winter Soldier the story he has concocted.

"She is a nurse who was assigned to you when you were injured, and somehow you seem to find being around her calms you. We decided to let her remain with you but if at any time you would like us to...get rid of her just say the word and she will be gone."

For the first time in the two days the Winter Soldier feels something. Panic? The thought of them getting rid of her for some reason makes him feel sick, and his heart begins to beat faster. None of this shows on the surface; somehow he knows not to admit to it.

Lehmann continues, totally unaware of the ball of fear that has just hit the Winter Soldier.

"For the time being, we will use her. When you come out of cryo freeze, you are confused and with your strength you have the ability to hurt a lot of people. We have found that, if she is with you, then you seem to regain your... _ _directives__ faster. It saves a lot of time, so for now she will remain with you. I should warn you that although she is a nurse she does appear to be...how can I describe her...well there is no easy way. She is a woman of loose morals."

The Winter Soldier stops in his tracks. He finds what Lehmann says confusing. Up until that last piece of information he was thinking how Lehmann said he had been in cryo freezing before, yet he does not remember. The thought that the woman is not for his use only makes the ball of fear start to turn to anger.

"I still don't understand," he says slowly.

Lehmann smiles at him. "She is a whore. I don't know how else to describe her behaviour with you and other men in the past. She will belong to you and whatever you decide is to be done with her will be your call; no one will interfere, but I think you will have no problems with her sharing your bed to keep you warm at night."

Other men. What does he mean by other men?

A well of jealousy and anger fills the Winter Soldier and he is shocked at how strong the feeling is. He struggles to keep it hidden from Lehmann. Subconsciously he knows Lehmann would not be happy with him having any feelings except those that will make him a better soldier, a better killing machine.

As they draw nearer to where his quarters are, the anger continues to build in him. He remembers the woman from when he awoke. He remembers how she looked at him...and all the time she was probably just there so she could flirt with the guards and the other men coming in and out of the room.

By the time they get to his room and he is introduced to the woman, he is finding it difficult to keep focused, to remain civil. Lehmann leaves them alone.

The Soldier and The Whore. What else is he going to use her for?

She tries to explain to him about where things are, his clothes, his rota, what he will be doing the next day, how his meals will be provided but all he can do is watch her move: her long legs, how her blouse tightens over her breasts when she moves. He watches her mouth, wide and generous, big eyes that draw him in and make him feel a warmth spreading in his belly and groin. Lehmann said she was his. His hand comes up and he touches her hair; she has it drawn back in a pony tail, and it is soft and luxurious. He has a memory of drawing it through his hand and seeing the colours in it. His grip tightens, and she tries to draw away but he isn't going to let her.

He is a soldier and she is a whore. What else would he want from her? She can see it in his eyes and feel it in his body when he pushes against her. She touches his face but his eyes are cold and she stumbles over her words, nervous for some reason. How many men has she slept with? How many men does she still sleep with? She is his, and his alone, and he needs to remind her of that. He starts to hurt her, starts to pull at her clothing, pushing her to lie down on the bed and forcing her legs open.

He refuses to acknowledge the look of betrayal in her eyes as he bruises her flesh, bites her, his nails scratching in their haste to possess her. She barely makes a sound. He closes his eyes as he pounds into her, feeling the heat spread throughout his body. Feeling the burst as he empties himself into her and at the last moment covering her mouth with his so she can't breathe; so she struggles and finally cries out.

Then afterwards, seeing those eyes watching him. Unshed tears as she moves away from him. He has to get away from her otherwise he will kill her, will strangle that pretty neck, ruin her face, break her bones until she begs him to stop. Until she can no longer say anything. Until she is lying dead at his feet. He doesn't want that.

The fear suddenly of her not being there making him feel sick again.

He needs to get out and he does. He leaves the room, feet pounding down the corridor until he reaches the end of the tunnel. Where can he go? Where can he outrun the image of her face? Down the stairs to the floor that houses the gym and out onto the track laid around the equipment, running as if something is chasing after him, and for the first time since he has woken up he feels fear, not of her, not of them, but of himself.

When he has exhausted himself, he doesn't return to their room and instead crashes out on the cot in the main room. No one questions why he is there; he has to have some space to find his own way, his own volition as this will make him more pliable, more accepting of his fate.

In the morning he returns to their room. She is there and he can see the marks he has left on her. He doesn't speak, he doesn't ask her if she is all right even though a small part of him wants to. Whenever he tries to think about her, tries to remember the previous times he has spent with her his head begins to ache and images go by too quick to catch.

So instead he focuses on what Lehmann has told him about her, and lets his anger dictate his actions. He grabs clean clothes and heads off for the shower room. When he returns food is waiting for him. He still doesn't acknowledge her.

He can see she doesn't know what to do, she wants to talk to him, wants to touch him, but she doesn't come near. In the end she lets his mood dictate their time together. She places a copy of his timetable in front of him whilst he is eating and he pretends to concentrate on that. It shows what and where he is expected to be. She tells him when his next meal will be here and at what time. He doesn't say a word. Then he leaves her, he feels sick inside and doesn't know why.

Who is she, and why does she have such an affect on him if all she is is a whore?

Before heading to where he is supposed to be, he first calls in on Lehmann and asks for another bed to be placed in their room. Lehmann is surprised and offers him his own room if his isn't right, but the Winter Soldier refuses. He just wants a single bed in addition to his to be put in and doesn't give a reason even though it is obvious he has one.

The bed will be her protection. Somewhere for her to go when he has hurt her because he knows he will, he knows he will not let her go: she is his, his possession, and she is going to need a safe place away from him and this is all he will allow her.

"Would you like me to find you another female?" Lehmann asks.

"No! No...there is no need for that."

And Lehmann smiles to himself; always happy to control the fate of others.

Training begins and the Winter Soldier is glad. He can forget about her and concentrate on learning. Some of the training is brutal. None of the instructors pull their punches and he returns to their quarters bloodied and bruised. The way she looks at him, he can see pity - no not __pity__ \- worry for him. She tries to help, tries to see to his injuries but he will not let her near him.

Not until the nightmares start.

At night he sleeps deeply. The constant training and learning takes its toll and usually he falls into bed most nights and sleeps until morning, but recently his dreams are turning into nightmares that he can never remember afterwards. He cries out in his sleep, only to be woken by her telling him everything is all right, her soft hand stroking his forehead, telling him he is safe and often just holding him until he stops sweating, his heart stops racing. And then he turns to her to stop them from taking hold of him again. He is rough with her, wants to bury himself in her, take everything she has to offer and then afterwards he feels shame for the way he has been and anger that she makes him feel that way. He does not allow her to stay with him instead he pushes her out, makes her go back to her own bed, frightened that if she stays so close to him he will become dependant on her, but more frightened he will hurt her badly.

Lehmann asks him how he is getting on, watches some of the training sessions, schedules in tests and keeps an eye on his most prized possession. He sometimes asks him how things are with the Constant; he rarely uses her name and the Winter Soldier has never uttered it.

Lehmann is devious. He doesn't want any cosiness to develop between the soldier and his whore so he feeds him little lies. Asks him why she was with the guards when he wasn't there, has he noticed she is wearing a particularly low blouse? Or did he know she had been after one of the doctors? Asking if he the Winter Soldier can't control his woman? And Lehmann enjoys the look of jealousy and anger he creates in his prize. Keeps him from getting complacent, gives him something to feed his anger on, makes him a more dangerous weapon.

The Winter Soldier is taken on a three day training field trip. It is his first time up top out in the open and the feel of the sun on his face warms him, breathing in fresh air makes him feel strong. Adrenalin pumps through his body, setting him on edge, making him ready to kill, gives him a sense of what is to come. As a result he takes it too seriously. So seriously they end up with six dead men.

He returns to the facility, tired but fulfilled. Lehmann is ecstatic and so are his trainers. He is ready, they can move onto the next level.

They can begin to programme him.

He is debriefed. Asked how he feels, encouraged to know he has done well, this is what they want of him. But the team leader, who himself hails from America, has drawn Lehmann to one side. He was told to watch The Winter Soldier closely and he had. There were moments when the Winter Soldier was distracted, as if he was trying to remember something. Sometimes he spoke in Russian but often as not in American with a Brooklyn accent. And on one of the nights they heard him talk in his sleep. The words were disjointed but worrying. The Winter Soldier had asked him about the woman, what the story was behind her being there. Had become angry when one of the other men had talked about her with disrespect.

It is clear that programming is needed. The clock is already ticking.

Just before he is sent back to his quarters Lehmann tells him they can start the next part of his training and he can then be considered for his first mission. "I'll let you go. I expect your __Constant__ will be glad to see you...although I don't think she's been too lonely whilst you have been away."

As he walks back to his room he slows. What did Lehmann mean exactly? What has she been up to? Has he not made it clear that she is his and his alone?

He walks into the room and startles her. She clearly did not know he was back; no one keeps her updated with what is happening. The look on her face when she sees him is contrary to what Lehmann has said. She looks more than pleased to see him, reaches out to touch him. All he can think of is her touching other men. It makes him feel ill and he ignores her, fetches clean clothes and goes straight to shower. He tries to ignore the look on her face as he walks past her, she looks genuinely upset. He doesn't know how she has cried herself to sleep every night, how she hasn't been able to eat properly, how she was so frightened he wouldn't come back.

When he returns to the bedroom he is still pulling on his shirt, his hair is damp and he feels bone-tired. His metal arm has been playing up and he will need to get it recalibrated, but that can wait until tomorrow. He closes the door and she is there, he can smell her perfume. Her hair is loose and she has undone the first few buttons of her blouse, he can see her cleavage and he feels himself hardening.

She talks softly asking him if he will allow her to share his bed tonight. She looks so shy, so innocent. He tries to walk past her and she touches his arm, he can feel her cool hand on his hot skin and he wants her more than he can say but Lehmann's words are still on his mind and he pulls away from her.

Totally out of the blue she slaps him hard around the face.

"Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you touch me?" she cries, and tries to hit his chest but he is quicker and pushes her away from him. He forgets his own strength and she falls. She doesn't stay down. She scrambles back up and comes at him again, and he cannot help but find that funny. How does she think she is going to hurt him? He could kill her so easily.

"Why don't you want me? Not man enough to be able to satisfy me?" She is getting hysterical now he can see it in the over brightness of her eyes, in the way she clenches her fists, so small against his own.

He hears her words and somehow it takes the humour away and he grabs her arms, pushing her back until the bed stops them both and then he pushes her away and she falls back onto it. He backs away; he needs to, otherwise he will take her savagely, hurting her more than ever before.

"I suppose they haven't covered that in your training have they. How to fuck properly?" She taunts him, and the room goes silent as he turns around and looks at her. Unknown to her his head has started to hurt, whenever he thinks about her the pain starts until it is so bad he thinks his mind is going to split.

His anger is explosive. He grabs her by the hair and pulls her up and smashes her into the wall, growling at her. "Don't you ever talk to me like that again, you whore!"

His face is so close to hers. He watches as her eyes widen and then his hand is around her throat not just squeezing but picking her up and slamming her again into the wall. She can't breathe, she is struggling. In his rage he is going to kill her, get her out of his life, out of his mind.

He shakes her, sees her eyelids flutter and then drops her just before it is too late. He is trembling. He crouches down and pulls her head back. "Who the fuck are you?"

She can barely talk and his grip tightens and he asks her again. "Why did they give you to me?"

He lets her go and stands up and watches as she lies there trying to find the strength to move. His anger is ebbing away and being replaced by coldness. It starts in his balls and works its way up. __Kill her and be done with it.__

He places his booted foot on her rib cage and presses down. She can't breathe. He moves his foot up pressing a little harder until it is on her throat. Her hands scrabble trying to move it off. There is a roaring in his ears - then it hits him, the utter loss as if she were already dead. The roaring disappears and he sees her lips have gone blue, her hands are falling away, and he takes his foot off her neck just in time.

Blood is trickling down from her lip, which is split, her eyes are bloodshot, and he can see the dark bruises already around her throat and neck where he tried to strangle her. She is a mess. She starts to sob again, her sobs hiccuping as she tries to take in large breaths and he knows he will not kill her - not tonight. He can't lose her.

He turns and walks out of the room and he ensures he doesn't return until after she has gone to sleep.

He enters the room quietly, slipping of his boots and then walking over to her bed. She is curled up and he believes she is fast asleep. He doesn't see her clenched fists under the covers, doesn't hear her prayers that he won't hurt her.

How can she affect him so deeply? Who is she? Why when he sees her like this can he not believe the things Director Lehmann tells him about her? He wants to wake her, uncover her. Take her to his own bed and slowly and gently make love to her. His whole body is crying out for hers, he wants her there in his bed, curled up with him, looking to him for protection.

Slowly he turns and walks to his bed. Without getting undressed he lays on top of it.

He doesn't sleep well that night.


	31. Chapter 31 - Programming

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Thirty-One: The Constant & The Winter Soldier - Programming****

 _ _Now that he is just one unified personality, it is simple to complete his training. He has been tested out in the field and he is ready. There is just one more hurdle to go before they can assign him a mission.__

 _ _Programming.__

 _ _They need to address this soon as they are seeing indications that the Winter Soldier is beginning to care about his Constant, beginning to question certain things. That will not do.__

 _ _That is not what Hydra wants.__

 _ _This is something that will be done with only Lehmann, Elise and Peter present. With the exception of Johann Fennhoff and Zola, no one else is even allowed into the programming suite or permitted any knowledge of how the programming is done. Even the original doctors are not told anything.__

 _ _No one knows what goes on in those rooms. There are always two guards outside and the doors are firmly locked and bolted. But the locked doors do not shut out everything. The guards can still hear the Winter Soldier's screams.__

 _ _Director Lehmann oversees it all.__

 _ _The programming is done in layers. Some will remain the same each time, some will change depending on the mission.__

 _ _ **Layer One**__

 _ _Lehmann begins with the reinforcement of the values he has taught the Winter Soldier. These are important; these are to reiterate where his loyalties lay. Hydra are his masters. He is no one, he has no past, no identity, he belongs to them and his only purpose is to serve them. He is to work for them and only them.__

 _ _He is helping to create a better world.__

 _ _Lehmann's word counteracts all others, and most importantly a safe word__ __to be followed by a phrase__ __is embedded into his deepest memories. This will deactivate and reset him. It is for their safety. This layer continually tells him his overall mission in life. He is to have no feelings other than those to help him fulfil his mission.__

 _ _Those are not the only words they will programme in. There will be a set of words that when spoken will prepare him for the programming each time. When these words are spoken in the correct order, they will open his mind, make him be receptive:__ __Longing, Rusted, Seventeen, Daybreak, Furnace, Nine, Benign, Homecoming, One, Freight Car.__

 _ _He will then be ready. He will then comply.__

 _ _He is told he is never allowed to hurt Lehmann.__

 _ _This layer is programmed into him every single time. They will take no chances.__

 _ _ **Layer Two**__

 _ _The next layer would surprise Freya: it is about her.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier at this point knows that she is his Constant. They know there is no need to tell him that whenever he is wiped because he will remember her; when he awakens the sight of her and the sound of her voice allays any fear or panic and any anger. Each time the Winter Soldier comes out of cryo freeze he will not remember much, he will almost be a blank slate. She is there to ground him.__

 _ _However, that knowledge is now to be buried deep inside his subconsciousness. In Layer Two, he is told that she is a whore. She is there for all his needs, and he can do whatever he likes to her without retribution. She belongs to him, she is his one possession, and it is up to him to keep her controlled.__

 _ _When he sees her again he will think of her as being nothing other than a whore.__

 _ _To them she is a the fail-safe. She is the ticking clock.__

 _ _The realisation of her importance abhorred Lehmann. It is always she whom the Winter Soldier remembers first when the programming begins to wear off. Instead of thinking of her as his whore he will start to remember who she really is and what she means to him. His attitude towards her will change; they have seen it happen even after the first wipe. A listening station is set up, and without the woman knowing they place listening devices in the Winter Soldier's quarters. This, Lehmann feels, is a must. A small team of men are selected to man it. Marinov is told and is disgusted but there is nothing he can do. He grows ever more disillusioned every day but he needs to keep his family safe.__

 _ _Some of the programming will stay embedded for longer than other parts. It is not an exact science and they can never guarantee just how long something will remain. This warning will tell them exactly how much longer they have until his real memories begin to surface, and give them an idea of how long they have before they need to wipe him again. She is not aware of this; after all Lehmann knows her loyalty is to James Barnes and not to Hydra.__

 _ _ **Layer Three**__

 _ _The next layer will be to reinforce who he must obey and who he serves. It is almost a repeat of layer one. This programming will be layered between each instruction until it is hammered in so deeply he will never stray from them. He will never forget who owns him. Who his masters are. Who holds the strings.__

 _ _ **Layer Four**__

 _ _Another fail-safe to be ground into his mind. If he tries to access memories that are not allowed to him it will result in headaches. If he continues, then he will experience debilitating migraines. They tell him he must not to try to remember anything but his time here now at the base and details relevant to his current mission. They also instruct him that, once the mission is completed, he will be debriefed and at this time he will be instructed to forget most of the specific details of the mission he has returned from.__

 _ _ **Layer Five**__

 _ _This is dependent on whether or not he has been bought out of cryo for a mission, for training, or for health reasons. That will decide on what is included in this layer.__

 _ _This is as far as they go for today. He is in the room with them for six hours and when they have finished he can barely stand up, yet alone function. There were times during the programming when he was in such pain with the information being forced into his mind he would cry out. They believe in time his body and mind will become used to most of the pressure but there will always be a certain amount of pain, a certain amount of damage.__

 _ _They allow him to rest for a while. His left ear and his nose are bleeding and his eyes are severely bloodshot but the serum is already working on fixing the damage. They will have him back in programming tomorrow to see what he has retained.__

 _ _Eventually he is strong enough to walk on his own although his sense of direction and balance is out of sync. Two guards have to help him back to his quarters. He keeps shaking his head as if to clear it, but they can see he is still in pain. His ears are humming so badly he cannot even hear his own footsteps.__

 **...**

There is a knock on the door and you open it to find the guards holding the Winter Soldier. When he sees you he tries to stand by his own strength but he can't and he has to accept your help. His eyes look terrible; black bags under them, the whites bloodshot. There are smears of blood on his face and you realise both his tee shirt and trousers are sodden with it. You can see one of his ears has also bled. You were warned that this would be the case, but to see him injured again breaks your heart.

You have already been told he will need to sleep so you help him to the bed. He sits on the edge and you remove his shoes. When you go to help him remove his clothes he shies away from you, as if your touch disgusts him. He tries to do it himself, his co-ordination all over the place, it is painful to watch. You think of asking him if he would like to shower first, to wash away the blood, but he is so tired you realise he simply couldn't – especially if he refused your help. You watch as he lies down and pulls the covers up over him. Almost straight away, he is asleep. You switch off the main light and leave on a lamp for if he wakes during the night. For the first few hours you pull up a chair next to his bedside and keep watch on him. He doesn't move, doesn't seem to dream. He is well and truly out for the count.

Around 2am he stirs and begins to cough, which awakens both of you. He is in a lot of pain and his nose has started bleeding again. He needs your help to go to the bathroom and when you get him back to bed you insist he take some phenacetin and drink some water. He will not look at you and you put it down to the fact he will not like you seeing him in such a weakened state. You ask him if he wants to try something to eat but he just shakes his head and turns back over in bed away from you. He is asleep again in seconds.

 **...**

 _ _The next day is like the previous one, only this time they keep him for far longer. In the morning, when he wakes, his head is so painful he feels he wants to tear his hair out. She gives him some more painkillers but they do not do a lot to alleviate the pain. The guards come for him and he is taken down to the Programming Suite. It is obvious he is in a lot of pain and they realise they will need to supply stronger medication to help him.__

 _ _When they feel he is ready, they place him in a chair similar to the one in the main room. First they question him to see how much of the programming has stayed in place, and they are impressed and pleased with themselves. The majority of it has all remained in place.__

 _ _They begin again. They reiterate the layers they created yesterday, reiterate the words and their meanings, thereby re-enforcing them. Then they begin on the next layer.__

 _ _This is the layer where they will include any training that can be done in this way. They have been working on programming in a photographic memory, but only for the things they need him to learn such as languages, visuals, etcetera. Adding to this layer will vary depending on the missions he is to be sent on and what he will need to complete them. For the training that can not be programmed, he will need to be manually trained. It will be important to keep him up to date with technology and weapons training. He will be allowed to retain this information even after the mind wipes.__

 _ _The following layer will then be instructions on the individual mission itself, and will include details of who is to be killed: where, when, how.__

 _ _All these layers are sandwiched with reiteration of who he is and who he works for.__

 _ _Another layer will then be incorporated. This will be a more in-depth layer of the mission and how it is to proceed, including any special instructions. It will include the overall outcome, and in what way it will make the world a better, safer place.__

 _ _The lie.__

 _ _The final layer will be who his masters are. Again.__

 _ _There is no mission this time and so the programming is based on where he is and what he is allowed to do, where he can go, what they expect of him in the next week or so until his first mission is received.__

 _ _Eleven hours later, even Lehmann and his staff are exhausted. The Winter Soldier is almost comatose. He is finished for today. They have questioned him again and again over what they have programmed into him and they can see now they need to let him sleep it off.__

 **...**

Once again the two guards have to escort him back. He is totally uncoordinated, walking into walls and finding it difficult to stay on his feet. This time they have been graceful enough to phone ahead and you are prepared for him. Marinov is waiting with you. The bed is ready, the lights are low, and as he staggers in you and Marinov between you undress him and help him into his bed.

As you sit him on the edge of the bed he is rubbing his temples, muttering about the humming in his ears. He is fractious, uncooperative. His face is a mask of pain, and you can hear him grinding his teeth. Before you can think of how to help blood begins to dribble out of his nose – starting as a stream and ending as a gush. He is holding his left ear and you can see blood is running from there, too.

Marinov tells one of the guards to get Doctor Jakobs, quickly. You try to stem the flow, holding a towel to his nose and telling him to put his head back, but he is coughing up the blood trickling down the back of his throat, it is making him choke. His strength is far more than you or Marinov can deal with as you try to calm him. He is even more uncoordinated, doesn't seem to know where he is or what is happening. You know if he begins to fight you in earnest, neither of you could hold him so you continue talk to him calmly, keeping your voice gentle and soothing. One of the guards telephones Lehmann who arrives at the same time as Jakobs.

The bleeding has stopped but he is in such pain, holding his head, groaning; his body is running with sweat and you can feel the heat pouring from him. Lehmann believes he is trying to access his memories; who he is, where he is, and the more he tries the more his programming is kicking in until he has a full on migraine.

Now you know that the Winter Soldier is suffering with a migraine you can see it in his eyes. They are bloodshot, black shadows underneath. His skin is grey and he is still trying to hold his head because of the pain. You have an ice pack on the back of his neck a cold flannel on his forehead. He has vomited twice, mostly blood and bile.

Lehmann is not overly worried - in fact, you believe he is pleased as it shows that level of the programming is doing its job. It is working. You are worried. He tells you that any damage done by the programming will already be being fixed by the serum. He says you are going to have to learn not to get so hysterical, and you come close to slapping him. He allows Jakobs to inject the Winter Soldier with a strong pain killer and sedative which should knock him out for the night so he can sleep through the pain.

It takes both guards, plus you and Jakobs to get him sorted out. The bleeding has stopped completely and eventually he falls asleep but at first does not lie still; he twitches as though he is in a nightmare.

Jakobs stays with him whilst you shower; your clothes are covered in his blood and will need to be thrown away. When you return to your room Jakobs has fallen asleep in the chair. The Winter Soldier is curled up asleep in the bed and you leave both men in peace.

 **...**

This almost becomes the norm over the next few weeks. They test the programming again and again. It is apparent that some of the time the Winter Soldier will experience bad headaches or worse, migraines. But these are not from him trying to access his memories; they are from the damage they are doing to his brain. The migraines can either debilitate him or, in the case of the severe headaches, make him angry and he finds it difficult to control the rage which surges up inside him. When they discover that the headaches are not the ones they have put in as the fail-safe they are concerned. This shouldn't happen. His anger sometimes is almost uncontrollable.

It is you he takes it out on. The whore who should mean nothing to him.

There is always a guard set in the corridor but it is reiterated to them that they must not interfere with the Winter Soldier's treatment of you. You try not to make any mistakes. There are times when he will accept your ministrations. Food is delivered and you have to make sure he eats and drinks. There are tablets he needs to take. You have to make sure he is awake and ready for them when they come to take him to the programming suite. Other times he is docile and quiet, sometimes reaching out for you.

It is like living on a see-saw from one moment to the next. You never know what will set his anger off.

Lehmann meets again with both Fennhoff and Zola. They can see from the from scans that the serum is repairing any damage caused to his brain. Whilst Fennhoff is sure he can lessen the damage, he cannot stop it completely. The migraines and headaches do decrease but Lehmann tells you it is something you will both have to live with. You want to tell him it is all right for him, he is not on the end of the anger. He is not the one bought low to his knees by the utter pain of his head being torn apart.

Lehmann pushes it to far when he adds that it is good for the Winter Soldier to learn how to deal with intense pain. You turn away from him your hands clenched into tight fists. He goes on to say there are pain management lessons which are to be incorporated in the programming.

He does initiate some changes, some restrictions on how much programming can be done in one session. Fennhoff has also put forward the idea that some of it may be down to the fact that they are programming him but giving him no outlet, no mission, and so the Winter Soldier does not know what to do with himself. All that adrenaline and no way to put it to use. So you arrange with his team to set up additional exercise programs to expel some of his energy. You feel if he could be taken up to the surface it would be good for him, but that is something Lehmann will not allow yet. This camp is not secure enough in its present state. There is always the gym that was set up shortly after you became the primary carer and Lehmann has added to this so that the Winter Soldier can work out. He has it expanded so there is a larger running track around the outside of the equipment and often the Winter Soldier can be found pounding around it again and again as if that will clear his head, expel his energy.

You have to be so careful, so very careful, but sometimes you forget and so do the guards.

 **...**

 _ _He has had a pounding headache all day. The questioning was intense today and he is uptight. He stumbles down the corridor and back into his quarters. Two guards stand outside. He recognises one of them, the stance of the man showing he thinks the Winter Soldier is weak. The guard is complacent. Yes, the Winter Soldier is taller than him, and looks meaner, but he cannot even stand upright; he could take him in a fight. The guard is smoking and makes comments to the other guard who shushes him. That guard is intelligent. The Winter Soldier scares him and he knows they cannot get complacent, he has seen the danger in the Winter Soldier before.__

 _ _The Winter Solder enters his rooms. The woman had been sitting down, but now stands as he comes in, asking if he is all right. There is such concern in her eyes. He wants to take her, drown in her to take the pain and anger away. Frustration makes the headache worse; his balls ache and he can feel a pulsing in his lower belly. She tries to touch him, tries to guide him to sit down. Asks him if he wants a drink, wants to eat. No! he wants to shout at her, I want to fuck! Leave me alone! How he wants to hurt her to stop her questions. But he also knows he wants her to put her arms around him, to bring him close to her; he wants her to protect him, and this makes him so very angry.__

When he returns you can do nothing right until he loses it, lashing out at the nearest available person: you.

You can feel the waves of rage in the heat rolling of his body as he grabs your arm and twists it behind you, ramming you backwards against the wall. The suddenness of it takes your breath away and you cry out. His other hand comes to your throat and encircles it. How often has he done this to you, how often have you felt those fingers around your neck and wondered if this time he will squeeze to hard.

You look into his eyes. There is such rage and madness there, such anger and lust; you struggle but he is so strong you know there is no way you could win this battle.

He pushes his own body against yours to pin you there. He has hurt you before and you know he is going to hurt you again. He stretches your arm up higher, making it painful, making you beg him to stop but he doesn't. He carries on until it is so painful you know it is going to break the bone and you beg him not to but he doesn't stop and you hear a loud crack as your arm breaks and you cry out. The pain shoots through you and is all consuming. The world around you is starting to go dark, you cannot breathe, you are going to lose consciousness. The Winter Soldier is still watching you and your faces are so close you can feel his breath on your cheek. Your cry has alerted the guards in the corridor. The door is open and you hear one of the guards in the doorway. He does nothing but watch.

"He doesn't know if he wants to fuck her or kill her," he says to the other one drily, with a smirk on his face. There is no compassion for you there.

"Shut up for Gods' sake!" the other one whispers, moving away. The guard watching throws his cigarette butt on the floor and grounds it out. He snorts and moves away himself.

The Winter Soldier's eyes are still burning, but now there is a disgust there which you think is for you. You have both heard what the guard had said and you know that the Winter Soldier is looking at you as if to say he wouldn't fuck you, he is not that desperate.

He suddenly pushes you even harder against the wall and then drops you completely and steps back.

You fall to the floor, your whole body quaking, the darkness receding. You wrap your left arm around your injured right and curl up as small as you can; you don't look at him but you know he is still watching you. Your breath comes in ragged sobs. Your throat is sore and you know you will carry the bruises for the next few days. Your ears are buzzing and there are spots in your vision.

You hear him curse you and then, turning, he storms out slamming the door.

You get as low to the floor as you can, you feel the coolness of the stone on your forehead and you weep for both of you. Your ears hum and you are unaware of the commotion in the corridor.

The Winter Soldier did not kill you...but he has killed.

 **...**

 _ _He felt so angry. It surged up in him, but he also has a deep lon__ _ _ging in his blood. He wants to take her, hurt her, take out all of his anger on her. He looks down at her face; they are so close he can feel her breath and see the wide-eyed fright, he can see she thinks he is going to do it this time, he is going to kill her and it makes him feel so powerful.__

 _ _He pulls her arm up higher until he hears it crack. The pain shows in her eyes and she cries out. He wants to feel her underneath him, to enter her and be so close they would become one person. He wants her to protect him.__

 _ _Then he hears the words of the guard.__

" _ _He doesn't know if he wants to fuck her or kill her."__

 _ _Hears the guard's snort of laughter.__

 _ _His rage goes cold in that moment.__

 _ _He presses her harder and sees she is losing consciousness, and it is as if a veil drops. He wants her with all his mind and body, he knows she will keep him safe, she is the only one who cares.__

 _ _For Gods' sake, what is he doing?__

 _ _He lets go and steps back and she falls to the floor. He watches as she pulls her arms around herself, making herself small; it looks like she is trying to become part of the wall in her need to get away from him. He is disgusted with himself. The one person who cares about him, the one person he can show all his frustration to and he had nearly wiped her out.__

 _ _She isn't just a whore, why does he think that?__

 _ _He curses himself, turns and goes out into the corridor, slamming the door behind him. The two guards are leaning against the wall. One does not look at him, will not hold his gaze, murmurs something to the other one and moves away but the remaining guard is too stupid to realise he is in trouble - too stupid to follow suit.__

" _ _Couldn't decide huh?" he says and the Winter Soldier recognises a taunt when he hears one.__

 _ _The man is so stupid. So dead.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier withdraws his knife from the back holster and keeps hold of it behind his back so the guard does not see the danger he is in. He knew which one it was that had commented and laughed, he has heard his comments before. He walks up closer to the unsuspecting man.__

 _ _The look of arrogance on the guard's face begins to falter because he now sees the Winter Soldier's eyes. Cold, dark. He begins to back away, the look on his face turning to horror as he finally realises the Winter Soldier is someone to be wary of, someone who will give you nightmares because when you look into those eyes it is your own death staring back at you. The other guard can see what is going to happen. He runs to one of the phones installed in the corridor and frantically calls for help.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier plunges the knife into the man's stomach, lifting the knife up and through the heart. The guard drops to the floor, dead within seconds, and the other guard stands stock still, phone in his hand, terror in his eyes. The Winter Soldier turns to look at him and finally he desperately tries to reach for his gun but the Winter Soldier shakes his head.__

" _ _You don't need to die," he says to the petrified guard. His anger is ebbing and he turns and walks away, leaving the guard to explain what happened to his colleague.__

 **...**

You know you need help. Your arm is hurting badly and you know the bone is broken. You can feel your blood humming in your ears; your heart is pounding. The pain feels as if it is keeping time with the pulsing of your blood.

You try your best to stand up and stumble to the door having to let go of your arm to open it. You whimper. The door seems so heavy and sweat trickles down your face.

You lean out into the corridor and see several guards surrounding a dead body. A huge pool of blood seeps out into a large pool on the floor.

The guard that laughed at you both will never do so again.

You recognise the older guard and he sees you and he comes forward quickly to catch you as you fall. He tells the others to call for a doctor. Marinov comes racing down the corridor shouting orders. Trying to work out what has happened.

 **...**

 _ _The Winter Soldier pounds around the track, trying to clear his mind, trying not to think, trying to lose himself so that he doesn't have to be who he is. Memories have started to resurface, and with each one he tries to run faster, tries to get away from it all. But he can't and as he runs the pain in his head begins to take over. Lehmann is watching on the overhead cameras installed in the gym. He watches as the man tries desperately to outrun his demons. He recognises that the Winter Soldier is ready, that they need to use him. They have wound him up so very tight and now they need to set him on his course and let him create havoc.__

 _ _Lehmann turns to Marinov and tells him he is dismissed.__

" _ _What will you do?" Marinov asks belligerently.__

 _ _Lehmann looks up at him eyebrows raised.__

" _ _About what?"__

 _ _Marinov bites his tongue to stop him from saying what he would like to say. He tries to make his tone calmer. "He killed one of my men."__

" _ _And?"__

 _ _Marinov flounders.__

" _ _Lieutenant, I suggest you start to think about the calibre of your men. Don't you? What happens to you and your men are of no concern to me. If you cannot see that then maybe you are in the wrong job."__

 _ _Marinov realises in that second that the Constant is not the only one who cannot cry out for help when the Winter Soldier is mad with rage. He and his men count for nothing either. In fact, he would guess their lives mean even less than hers.__

" _ _Sir." He nods and decides to leave before he says something he will regret. Something his family will regret. If that is the way Lehmann wants it then that is the way it will play. From now on he will make sure that those 'guarding' the Winter Soldier will be harder, less likely to become complacent. He thought he knew how Freya felt before but now he realises he didn't.__

 _ _The world was becoming more than just a scary place. It was becoming hell.__


	32. Chapter 32 - Testing 1,2,3

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Thirty-Two: The Winter Soldier - Testing 1,2,3****

 **Two Years Ago**

Armin Zola dislikes this man intensely.

He is rude, obnoxious, and never takes Armin seriously. And now he is sat directly opposite him, discrediting Project Winter Soldier.

"It will never work!" he proclaims to anyone and everyone who will listen. "We are throwing good money at bad ideas. It is just one of Armin's __pet__ projects. I mean, come on now, how long has he been at it? And by his own admission he is no further forward! It's not his fault, he's a scientist, not a military man, he has no knowledge of fighting a war and that is what this is! We are at war, gentlemen!"

George Morgan _ _the Third,__ lights his cigar and settles back in the chair, full of the knowledge that he is right and the Swiss is wrong. The board will find in Morgan's favour and this project of Armin's can be discontinued. And then the whole of the base (and not forgetting the money) can be handed over to him and he can use the extra space for more important things - soldiers - feet on the ground.

All this for just one soldier. __For one assassin.__ What rubbish!

The board need to make a decision. Do they continue funding Armin's project at the risk of failure, or pull the plug?

They keep both Zola and Morgan waiting for four hours. They respect Zola, he was Schmidt's right hand man, the work he has done keeping Hydra together after Schmidt's death is amazing. His projects always bear fruit - but this one? This one seems to have been going on forever and he appears no further forward. Morgan however, although his plans are more amenable, is disliked by nearly everyone on the board. He is to brash, to arrogant. To full of himself and his own purpose.

Whatever the decision is, it has to be the right one for Hydra.

The men file back into the room, and soon afterwards Morgan is striding out of the building, bellowing and furious. As Zola leaves shortly afterwards, the board remind him he is running out of time. They will only continue to fund him for so long.

"That is all I need gentleman, thank you." Zola says. He appears calm and polite. Inside he is nervous and unsure. How is he going to move forward? How is this ever going to work when they have been having nothing but problem after problem?

 **...**

 **Present Day**

The meeting is held as before with Lehmann, Fennhoff, Zola, Peter, and Elise. The Winter Soldier is ready but there is just one more thing they need to do.

A trial run.

A test.

Everything is in place, but they do not want his first mission to end in disaster if something does not work correctly with the programming. If there is something they have overlooked. If their __pet__ doesn't return home to its masters.

Oh, they have done tests. Instructed him to do things. He has followed all commands to the letter but he has not been sent out to kill someone yet. Not had a mission encoded. They need to do a test.

 _ _Testing 1, 2, 3. Come in, Winter Soldier. Do you copy?__

They need a victim. One close by…but not so close that the mission would last but a few minutes or hours.

"I have just the mission. Unofficial…but there is a message I would like delivered." Zola says, smiling coyly. And, cleaning his glasses, he tells them more.

 **...**

The camp that the project is part of is roughly the size of a small town, but always seems to be expanding. At the last count there were over 53,000 soldiers and personnel. They were running out of space. Even though Project Winter Soldier is mostly housed underground, even this space is wanted by other projects, by other people. Fortunately as the project has come to fruition there is no chance of it being handed over now and so there is an idea for a new camp being floated. A camp that will hold the Winter Soldier and a new project to set up STRIKE teams - but that is some way off on the horizon.

Most of the camp is run by General George Morgan III, a man Zola has never forgotten. A man Zola has never forgiven; someone who still belittles the project even in its success. He is not popular but he has too much power back home to be discounted and pushed to one side. He is an older man, nearing his sixties, but still has years of service ahead of him…years in which he could and would cause problems for Zola.

 **...**

To the Winter Soldier, this is a mission. To the programming team and Zola, it is a test.

Will he perform his duty? And will he return home afterwards?

They sincerely hope so.

No one else is told bar the two men who are responsible for monitoring him. The tracking device in his arm will tell them where he is, but that is the only way they will know what is happening. They are biting the bullet; they have to. They have to trust him to know he will do what they have programmed into him. They have to let him run on his own.

Everyone else is told he will be away training for 24 hours.

They take him to a small wooded area of the camp just inside the boundary. The wood is there as a deterrent, to stop people from seeing what is happening inside the camp. It is sometimes used for soldiers training for combat.

They let him go. They let him loose.

He is now on his own.

The clock is ticking.

 **...**

He can smell the pine trees, the fresh air. Feel the soft earth below his boots. For once his head is clear. He knows his mission, remembers what he has been told. It takes him two hours to make his way to the other side of the camp. No one sees him, although he sees them. They pass within inches of him but he is hidden, quiet.

They have no idea of how close they come to dying.

He is within half a mile of his target on a slope hidden by a derelict hut. He looks through his binoculars. No sign of the General arriving back at his bungalow yet. The Winter Soldier looks at his watch. He knows he has another hour at least to wait. The General is always punctual. He will arrive home and will not leave again until morning unless there is an emergency.

 _ _I run a tight ship__ he has often bragged, __emergencies__ never __happen on my watch.__

The Winter Soldier runs through his mission details once more in his mind. He carries a gun and a knife - but it is the knife he is to use.

The General arrives home on time. He lives alone, and once his adjutant has left he will be on his own until he is picked up in the morning. The Winter Soldier settles down to wait. He drinks from his water canister, eats the food they sent him with; even the serum cannot repair flagging sugar levels.

He waits until nightfall.

When it is finally dark, he begins to move down the slope. There are very few people about. This is the part of the camp that houses the more important people such as the General - the family quarters are over a half a mile away, with the rest of the rabble. It doesn't do to mix them.

A door opens in one of the other bungalows and in the light of the doorway he sees an older woman leaving. He knows it is that person's cook. She will drive away and then there should be quiet. He looks at his watch. It is 10pm. The General will be thinking of going to bed; he is an early riser. The Winter Soldier can feel his heart beating fast, can feel the adrenalin running through his body. This man he is going to kill is an enemy of Hydra; he causes chaos wherever he goes. He must be eliminated.

The Winter Soldier has both a message and a knife blade to deliver to him.

He knows the layout of the bungalow. He saw the bedroom light go on a few minutes ago, followed by the bathroom light. He eases himself in through the door, the lock giving him no difficulty at all. It will need to be secured after him when he finally leaves. He stands in the hallway, listening. The bungalow is really too big for just one man and is empty of anything that makes it personal. He moves through to the living room. There is not much light here; he can see furniture, a few photographs showing the General being awarded some commendation or other. There is a radio on the side. He can smell food. It makes his feel slightly queasy.

He takes one of the photographs and removes it from the frame, being careful not to make any noise. He defaces it in the way he has been instructed and then puts it back in the frame and back on the shelf.

He is suddenly thirsty but he left his water bottle up on the slope with his rucksack. He still has time, he can hear the General is still in the bathroom so he moves to the kitchen. He has gloves on. He finds a clean glass and pours himself some water and drinks. Then when he has finished he calmly washes and wipes the glass and puts it back where he found it. He wipes his arm across his mouth and then goes back into the hallway and towards the bedroom.

He crouches down against the wall, knife in hand, and waits.

His mind is still clear, still on his mission as he runs through the details again. He can hear no noise other than the General getting ready to retire for the night. Finally he hears him climb into bed. Another quarter of an hour before the light goes out and the Winter Soldier stands listening. Nothing. No noise outside, no noise inside.

He walks quietly up to the door and eases it open and slips inside the dark room. He waits a few minutes until his eyes adjust to the dark. The General is asleep on his back, snoring. The Winter Soldier is so quiet, so stealthy. He pads over to the curtains and pulls one back slightly to allow a bit of light into the room. He turns and surveys the room. It is military perfect, no fuss, clothes neatly hung up, no bric-a-brac; only personal items that have a purpose. A set of drawers with a clothes brush and a comb on top.

The General's uniform is hung on the outside of the wardrobe. A laundry basket stands next to it.

He walks up to the double bed. The General is on the left hand side. On his bedside table an alarm clock ticks away. There is a lamp, and a paperback book which looks to be a military book of some type. A glass of water and some tablets. The General has recently started to wear glasses... _ _just for reading,__ he blusters but he leaves them at home, only uses them when he reads before bedtime. __It's the only time I need them.__

He is getting old.

After tonight he won't be getting any older.

The Winter Soldier looks down at his target. His mouth is open, and his snoring is getting on the Winter Soldier's nerves. The man is revolting. The Winter Soldier turns slightly so he can sit down on the edge of the bed, which he does slowly so as not to wake his target. He listens once again to make sure he cannot hear anyone abroad, but there is silence except for the snuffling of the man next to him. Knife in hand, he leans over and switches on the lamp and then turns and places the blade at the General's throat.

The General makes a noise and starts to come around. He tries to move but feels the presence of someone next to him. He opens his eyes; they are blurry and he blinks when he sees the dark shape.

"What the..." He begins to sit up but he can't. The Winter Soldier is sat on the bedclothes, pinning the man down.

The General's eyes begin to clear, and he looks at the man sat beside him.

"Don't move," the stranger hisses and the General feels fear at the tone of the voice, at the look in the figure's eyes. Cold, hard, uncompromising but there is something else there. The man is grinning at him. It is a death mask grin; there is no humour in it. Long dark hair falls around the man's face, and his blue eyes are inhuman. The man wears gloves but there is something wrong – no, not wrong, __different__ about the left arm. It seems to be covered in metal. Something rings a vague bell in the back of his waking mind but he cannot grasp it.

"Who are you? What do you want?" The man is silent. "If it's money you're after then my wallets in the bedside drawer. Take it and get out!" The General tries to inflect anger into his tone but instead he sounds querulous, even to his own ears.

"I have a message for you."

The voice has what he thinks is an American accent. One of the soldiers on the base? If so, he will have him found and court martialled. If he had his way the man would be whipped in front of the other soldiers.

He is beginning to feel indignant now. More sure of himself. "Do you know who I am?" he demands.

That cold smile again. The man replies with it still on his lips. "George Morgan __the Third.__ Tell me, do you know who __I__ am? _"_

"Why should I?" The General starts to move but the knife is pushed hard against his adam's apple and a hand appears and pushes him back down on the bed.

That querulous voice reappears. "I'll have you whipped for this! You can't do this to me!"

The Winter Soldier feels no sympathy, just hatred for this pompous man who believes he is so important. They told him that if it was up to this man then he wouldn't exist.

"I have a message," he repeats and this time the General looks at him.

"Well then…deliver it and then go."

"It's from Armin Zola. He just wants you to know there are no hard feelings."

The General frowns, and then begins to realise just how sharp the knife blade is as it begins to dig into the side of his neck. His eyes widen.

"What? No, wait!" There is desperation in his tone now. He tries to rise for the last time but the man is strong and all he can feel is pressure on his chest where one hand is holding him down and the other is being used to dig and pull the knife across his throat. The rest of his words are lost in a gurgling sound as blood begins to soak the sheets and run in rivulets down the General's bedclothes.

The Winter Soldier leans in closer.

"I __am__ the Winter Soldier and you didn't stop them from making me. I am the future, not you."

He pulls the blade the rest of the way and blood sprays onto his face, hands and body. The General's feet vibrate up and down as his body goes into its death throws. The gurgling noise continues for a few seconds more and the Winter Soldier watches as the light dies in the old man's eyes. His heart is thumping and he can smell the iron smell of the blood, watch it soak into the white sheets, feel the life leaving the man.

When he is sure the man is dead he wipes the blade on a clean part of the sheet and stands. He leans over and switches off the lamp and then pulls the curtains fully shut. Glancing back once at the bed he listens, then opens the door and leaves the room leaving bloody footprints across the carpet and down the hall. He stops at the bathroom and goes in, switching on the light as he does so. He starts as he sees a figure but then realises it is his refection in a mirror above the sink. The image is black and red.

Blood and death.

He walks forward slowly and watches his own eyes as he gets closer. He loses time and doesn't know how long he stands there. He comes to when he realises his head is hurting and his hands shaking. He looks down at them, at the knife clutched in them. Then he looks away from the mirror and down at the sink and throws the knife in there.

He cleans himself up as much as he can, wipes his face clean. He can still smell and taste the blood. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears. __Breathe deeply,__ he tells himself and he does so, closing his eyes. This is programmed into him, to counteract any feelings he may have that they do not want him to feel. No regret, no remorse.

He opens his eyes. His head is clear once more. He must complete his mission which will end when he gets back to his side of the camp.

He leaves the sink and the soap stained red with the General's blood. His clothes feel damp with the water and the blood residue and his gloves are ruined. He returns his clean knife to its sheaf. He leaves the towels neatly on the towel rail, red with bloodied water.

He doesn't look in the mirror again before he leaves. He daren't. Seeing his own face covered in blood made him feel strange, frightened almost; panicked. It made his heart hammer, made his head hurt when he tried to analyse why.

Quietly, and with no one seeing him, he lets himself out of the bungalow and makes his way back up the slope. He picks his rucksack up and heads for the trees, heads for __home.__

 **...**

They track him right back to his getting into the lift, and when the doors open they are there waiting. Nothing is said, he is just led away for debriefing where all the questions will be asked. All the instructions are gone over and then they will wait for news from the other side of the camp. Judging by the blood on his clothes he has definitely killed someone; they just want to make sure it is the right person. He is then led back to his rooms and given over to his Constant. She is told nothing, but they see her eyes widen when she realises it is blood staining his clothes.

He barely says anything to her. He needs sleep, she can see it in his eyes, the way his body leans slightly to the left. She takes him through to the bathroom, strips him and stands him under the water. She gets in with him and soaps and washes him until he is clean, until the water finally runs clear.

"Do you want anything to eat?" she asks quietly and he shakes his head no so she leads him to his bed and holds the covers whilst he gets in. She wants to ask what happened. Where has he been? What did they make him do? But she can't, she knows that.

As she goes to walk away he catches hold of her hand and pulls her into the bed with him. He needs the company, he doesn't know why. He just does. He needs the warmth of her body, to hear the sound of her beating heart. To know she is alive.

 **...**

Colonel Morgan's adjutant finds him at 7am. He enters the bungalow, surprised and wary that the curtains are still drawn, and apprehensive when he smells the iron smell of death in the hallway.

What he finds in the bedroom shocks him. So much blood. He will never forget the horrified look in the General's eyes: the look of utter terror. His head has almost been severed from his body. It would have taken a great strength to cut that deep.

He waits in the living room for the others to arrive, for the procedures to start. He is sat on the sofa but cannot stay still and gets up. Who could have done this? His glance lands on the photograph of the General receiving his promotion and he frowns. He picks up the photograph and studies it. Someone has carved the General's eyes and mouth out of the photograph. The adjutant hastily puts it back on the shelf, finding this just as horrifying as the General's dead body.

Someone he feels, has sent them a message. He does not understand but he is sure those higher up will.

Will the truth ever be known? He doesn't really want to know.


	33. Chapter 33 - The First & Second Missions

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Thirty-Three: The Winter Soldier & The Constant - The First & Second Missions****

 _ _'The New Fist of Hydra' - Director Nikolay Lehmann 1947.__

 _ _'HYDRA has been secretly feeding crises, reaping war. And when history did not cooperate, history was changed' - Hydra scientist, Armin Zola, 2016.__

 _ _'One person in the right place at the right time' - Alex Pierce - Winter Soldier Handler - date unknown.__

 _ _'__ __Most of the intelligence community doesn't believe he exists. The ones that do call him the Winter Soldier__ __. He's credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last 50 years.__ __' - Natasha Romanoff, 2016.__

 **...**

 **The First Mission**

 _ _She is nervous. He can see it in the way she helps him pull up the zip on his jacket; her hands tremble and it takes her a few times to get it done up.__

 _ _Why?__

 _ _He covers her hand with his and she looks up at him, and then allows her hands to fall so he can complete the process. The jacket he is wearing covers him completely, including his left arm. There will no tell-tale red star giving him away on this mission.__

 _ _She hands him his mask.__

 _ _His mind is clear, focused. He knows what he is to do. He is the new fist of Hydra. With his missions he will rid the world of confusion, greed. His work will be of benefit to all of mankind. For every nation.__

 _ _Hail Hydra!__

 _ _Then he is in the lift. Walking out of the building. Getting into the truck that will take him to his rendezvous where the assassination is to take place. All under the radar.__

 _ _It is just after midnight.__

 _ _On the way only one person speaks with him. They go over his programming, double-check that he knows what is expected of him. He indicates to the others that all is well.__

 _ _ETA is four hours.__

 **...**

Director Lehmann oversaw the Winter Soldier's departure. You know he will keep in radio contact with the team through everything, but before you leave he wants to tell you something. Something he knows that will hurt. He has to get his pleasures where he can.

"Miss Bowman."

You glance his way. You had been talking to Jakobs, and both of you stop talking as Lehmann approaches.

"Well we have finally got here. It has been a long journey, and yet finally he is off on his first official mission." He makes it sound as if what is happening is innocent, and even smiles at you but you do not smile back. You stopped playing his games a long time ago.

He looks at his watch even though he knows it is 12.30am. "And what a momentous day, no?"

You think you know what he is referring to. But you see Jakobs frown. He tries to interrupt but Lehmann is speaking again.

"Oh and by the way Miss Bowman - Happy Birthday."

Lehmann's smile widens. Jakobs curses and closes his eyes.

You say nothing as your glance drops to the ground, your mind working. Then you look back at Lehmann and see he is still smiling as he walks away. The bastard.

You have no knowledge of dates. You don't even know what year it is - but Lehmann does.

It is March 10th.

Your birthday.

But not __just__ yours.

You look at Jakobs. "I'm sorry Freya, I didn't think you would find out, I should have guessed Lehmann would make sure you did."

"What year?" you ask, and you see his hesitation.

"What year?" you repeat.

"1948."

You swallow.

Lehmann has deliberately chosen James Barnes' birthday for the Winter Soldier's first official mission. He is their property, their puppet.

James Barnes is 32 years old today.

 **...**

 _ _He crosses the grounds of Cernin Palace and doesn't notice anything about the gardens, just pads softly up to the ground window that should be open. It is. The cleaner they bribed to leave the window ajar will be dead by this time tomorrow; it will be ruled as a suicide. There is going to be a lot of it about.__

 _ _He climbs in through the window and pulls it to but does not shut it; he will need to exit this way.__

 _ _They showed him the layout of the palace and the rooms he would be entering, and there is enough dawn light to show the way to the door. He eases it open and sees an empty hall. He needs to cross this without being seen, and then proceed up the staircase.__

 _ _The building is quiet. He climbs the stairs to the place where he knows his victim will be. There are people around; the palace is waking up, servants and cleaners getting it ready for another day of work.__

 _ _He gets to the room and slips in but sees immediately the bed is empty. It has been slept in and the sheets are thrown back.__

 _ _And then he hears a noise in the adjoining bathroom. He looks at his watch. It is 4.45am.__

 _ _They did warn him that the man was an early riser.__

 _ _He walks slowly over to the open door of the bathroom and peers in but all he can see is a bath being filled with water. But he can hear someone is inside the bathroom.__

 _ _He reaches into his jacket and takes out his gun. He moves quietly into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.__

 _ _The man is looking into the mirror and, catching sight of movement, swings around. He is about to say something but the sight of the figure looking at him takes any thoughts or words out of his mind.__

 _ _The figure is well over 6 foot tall, dressed completely in black. There is a mask obscuring the bottom half of his face and black glasses covering the top half. He is one of the most terrifying things the man has ever seen, and he is glad he cannot see his eyes.__

 _ _In his gloved hand is a gun.__

 _ _All that can be heard is the water pouring into the tub.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier looks at the man in front of him. He recognises him from the programming. This man has to die, but it must be made to look like suicide. He cannot use the gun, cannot shoot him, but his target does not know that.__

" _ _As soon as you fire my guards will hear. You'll be caught!" The man says to him and the Winter Soldier can hear the trembling in the man's voice.__

 _ _He indicates the large window. "Open it," he says in Czech.__

 _ _The man glances at it but he doesn't move.__

" _ _I won't ask you again," says the Winter Soldier.__

 _ _The man swallows and moves towards the window. He opens the shutters, and then the windows themselves. Cold air immediately whips around the room.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier steps forward, forcing the man backwards until he is hard up against the window frame. "Turn around." His voice has no inflection, and the man cannot place where the accent is from.__

 _ _He does. Time slows for everything that follows, but the altercation is over in seconds. The man has no chance to plead for his life before he feels a huge blow to his back and feels himself tipping and falling, and then there is no time to think before his body hits the courtyard below with a sickening thud.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier leans out and looks at the broken body beneath. Even though there is barely any light yet, there is no need to confirm the man is dead; one glance shows him he is.__

 _ _It will be ruled suicide which is what Hydra wants…__

… _ _But. There is always a but.__

 _ _Hydra also wants there to be a very slight doubt in peoples mind. Was is suicide…or was it murder? They want to cause confusion, mistrust. There was no reason for this man to commit suicide, so it will be questioned. To help matters, the Winter Soldier reaches up and closes the window.__

 _ _He turns and looks around the bathroom, switches off the taps and empties the bath of water.__

 _ _Then he leaves as quietly as he came. No one saw him arrive, and no one will see him leave.__

 _ _It will be another hour and a half before the man's body is found, and the resulting confusion will cause more delay in searching for any clues as to what has happened. The Winter Soldier and his team will be well on their way back to camp by then.__

 _ _Once they reach camp he is taken for mission report. It was successful. What more can be said? They go over what happened several times and then dismiss him and he heads back to his rooms. All the mission details should have been cleared from his mind…but unknown to his masters they have not been.__

 _ _His head has started aching and all he can see is the man's face just before he told him to turn around.__

 _ _The man was unarmed.__

 _ _He had no chance.__

 **...**

The Winter Soldier is tired when he comes back. He is quiet. Cannot seem to settle. He has gone through mission report. It is late afternoon. Tonight he will sleep, and tomorrow he will return to cryo.

You offer him a meal but he picks at it, doesn't talk to you, will not look at you. In the end you suggest he showers and then goes to bed. Although he doesn't say anything he gets up, undressing on the way to the shower. You hear him get under the water.

You are picking up his clothes from where he dropped them when you realise someone is watching you. You turn to look. The Winter Soldier is stood in the doorway of the bathroom, naked, soaking wet. You watch droplets of water as they hit the floor.

You walk towards him, dropping the clothes on the chair. "Are you all right?"

He is looking at you. It is the clenched fist that concerns you, the tenseness of his body.

He looks at you with those beautiful blue eyes, they are not empty but you don't know how to describe the look in them. "I can't get clean," he says quietly.

You stand in front of him, so close that you can breathe in his smell. His eyes are roaming your face as if begging you to help him.

"He was unarmed," he says to you, even quieter, and your heart lurches. "I keep seeing him."

You take his arm and turn him around and lead him back to the shower. You quickly undress down to your underwear and, as you stand him under the water, you promise him you will help him to get clean.

You pick up the shampoo and are just about to step way to get the shower chair but instead he reaches out and touches you, and as you turn to him he kneels down in front of you.

You swallow back tears you want to cry. This Winter Soldier, fully trained to kill you with one touch only need break your heart with one glance - what is going through his mind? Is he thinking about what he has done today?

His hair is already soaking wet, so you put some shampoo in your hands and rub it in making sure you clean right through to his scalp. As your hands massage in the soap he leans forward and places his forehead against your belly and one of his hands grasps your hip. There is nothing sexual about his movements. He just needs to touch you, to be close.

His metal hand hangs by his side, the metalwork closed against the water and soap so no harm is done to the internal workings.

When you have washed his hair he tips his head back and looks up at you.

"He was unarmed," he says again and this time the anguish is so real in his eyes.

You swallow. "I know," you lean forward and kiss his forehead running your hand through his hair. "I know."

He stays looking at you for a moment, and then stands up and you run your hand down his cheek.

"I will get you clean. I promise." It is all you can offer him.

You clean his face, his ears, his neck, his throat and then his back and chest. You clean his right arm and then use a special cloth to wipe down his left one, making sure you clean both hands, running the soap over his palm and each finger individually. Then you use the sponge over his buttocks, in between his legs, his balls, his semi-erect penis, then down his thighs, his calves down to his feet. You clean his toes and even the soles of his feet.

Every part of him is clean and afterwards you wipe him down with a towel and he surprises you and reaches for the towel and wipes you down. Not perfect but it will do.

"Clean," he mumbles and you repeat the word creating a __deja vu__ moment.

 **...**

 _ _He watches as she switches the water off. He feels cleaner but he still needs to escape, needs to escape into her, become part of her, drown in her innocence.__

 _ _When she suggests he get into bed he will not let go of her hand.__

" _ _Stay with me," is all he needs to say.__

" _ _Of course I will."__

 _ _He watches as she peels off her wet underwear and slips her nightie over her head.__

 _ _She then switches off the main light; the only light now in the room is what comes in under the door from the corridor.__

 _ _As soon as she gets into bed he reaches for her and pulls her to him and he looks at her face, looks into her eyes then at her mouth. She leans forward to kiss him, but it is a chaste kiss. She can sense something about him, something different.__

 _ _He gently pushes her down on to her back and slides his legs between hers. She closes her eyes for a moment but then opens them when he slides his arm under her. He then moves them both so they are on their sides facing each other.__

 _ _He needs to be part of her, to be with her. He feels his cock nestle against the soft flesh of her belly and he holds her even closer.__

 _ _She puts her arms around him and strokes his damp hair as he clutches her to him.__

" _ _Don't leave me," he murmurs and she promises him she won't.__

 _ _He pulls away so he can look at her. His eyes are red-rimmed and he can see her concern for him.__

 _ _Then realising she is leaning on the hard metal of his left arm he reaches over and pulls a pillow between them so that he can hold her in his arms and she can rest on the softness of the feathers instead of the cold metal.__

 _ _He stays curled up with her, no sex, just peace.__

" _ _Sleep now. I won't leave, you're clean now I promise," he hears her whisper and the sickness that has been in his stomach for the past few hours dissolves. He doesn't feel alone any more.__

 _ _During the night he wakes - a bad dream he cannot even remember but she is still there.__

 _ _She tells him everything is all right. She gently runs her hand over his cock until she can feel he is ready and he moves to be inside her. She moves slowly so his cock slides and he can feel her softness. He looks into her eyes, doesn't look away and as he comes quietly emptying himself into her, he watches her as she watches him. Then afterwards he stays close to her, doesn't want to let go yet and they both fall asleep.__

 **...**

They come for him in the morning. It was a strange night. He needed you so much. You did not ask questions because you know he could not have answered them, and you know the wipe they do before putting him in cryo will dissolve the last memories of his first mission.

You follow him to the Main Room and help as they seat him in the chair. He is dressed just in shorts and trousers. They will wipe him and then move him to the cryo chamber. In an hours' time you will join him in a frozen sleep.

You can see his rapid breathing as the machines start to make their beeping sounds; he knows what is coming. Before the arm clamps come down and the chair can swing around he sits forward he glances at Jakobs, and you see Jakobs move forward. They talk quietly.

 **...**

" _ _Please take her out of here. Don't make her watch this," the Winter Soldier says. He knows the pain it causes her to watch him writhe in agony as the lasers eat through his memories, destroys what they don't want him to keep.__

 _ _She was there for him last night; he can be there for her this morning.__

 _ _Jakobs nods. The clamps come down and the chair begins to move. He is leant back now and he can hear her refusing to leave, but Jakobs is insistent and he watches as she takes one last look at him and he tries to convey this is what he wants.__

 _ _The door closes.__

 _ _The chair finishes its rotation and they place his mouth guard in. His body tenses, his heart begins to hammer, both hands clench the seat rests and then the face-guards come down and he knows he cannot escape.__

 _ _The pain shoots through his brain sending everything in his body messages of flight. His body comes up from the chair in shock and the first scream leaves his throat as his brain is assaulted by a million needles slicing through him. He screams again as pain no one should ever have to live with is deliberately forced into and through his mind.__

 _ _And thus the shredding begins.__

 **...**

Outside in the corridor, you weep, clinging to Doctor Jakobs jacket as you both hear the Winter Soldier's screams echo through the corridors. Jakobs holds you tight and tears prick his eyes as, once again, they tear the young man apart.

 **...**

 **The Second Mission**

 _ _The flight is a long one. He sleeps uneasily on the plane but it does not cause a problem when they arrive. His programming will make sure of that.__

 _ _His mind is clear, his mind is focused. He is not thinking about how long it took to get here or even where here is. Nothing like that enters his conscious thoughts. He knows why he is here, and that is all that matters.__

 _ _Then he is by himself, up high; he can feel the wind whipping through the trees but his view point is stable, safe. He leans for a moment against the wall and assembles his rifle. He looks along the sight, no obstructions; he can see the doorway.__

 _ _He knows who he is to look for, and exactly what he is to do.__

 _ _He is alone, although he travelled here with three other people. They are waiting for the mission to be completed and he knows where he is to meet them. They will provide interference if it is needed for him to get away.__

 _ _It is nearly time.__

 _ _Down on the street below, the target steps out onto the pavement.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier lines up his sight, his heart calm, his mind clear. This is his mission, this is the man he is to kill.__

 _ _The man is just deciding which way to turn when the bullet enters his right temple and takes his life. The taking of this life will scar the country deeply and send it into chaos for the next ten years.__

 _ _But none of this concerns the Winter Soldier. He unscrews the rifle and puts it back into its case. Then he moves to climb down to the street below. He heard the screaming seconds after he had taken the shot. The sounds now coming from below do not concern him; his mind is clear, he knows how to escape and luck is on his side. The crowd below seem to think an innocent bystander on the street is the one who committed the murder and have gone wild.__

 _ _The second mission has been a success. No one saw who took the shot, they did not even realise at first that it had been taken from a distance. It is the second in a range of murders that will take place over the next fifty to sixty years.__

 _ _No one knows who the assassin is, but there will be talk of a Russian. The bullet is identified as USSR made but with no rifling marks. Shadows of a gunman with a metal arm emblazoned with a red star are reported but always with a masked face: no one can see any identifying features.__

 _ _Over time he becomes a ghost.__

 **...**

The last two days have been a nightmare of waiting for you. They have sent the Winter Soldier out on his second mission and you are on tenterhooks for him to come back. His first mission was done in one day. This one has taken triple that.

The team is already two hours late. Nothing to worry about, adverse weather conditions with their flight - but you do not know that.

Everything is quiet, everyone seems to be waiting. Word has come through that the mission has taken place and was a success. You will not believe that until he is back and you can see him with your own eyes.

You were waiting up top but then you saw Lehmann and knew if he saw you he would dismiss you so you left of your own accord. You two have barely spoken since the last mission. Instead you are down in your room, but you left Stefan watching. He phoned you the moment they were back safely. The Winter Soldier was led away for mission report.

How will he be when he comes back? Will it have affected him like last time?

It is another four hours before you see him, and when he comes back you don't know what to do. His eyes are blank.

In the end you come forward and help him remove his jacket; the buckles are fiddly, and you hate removing this garment as it gets caught on the metal plates of his arm. But when you finally have him down to black tee shirt and trousers you ask him if he would like to eat; when he nods you order something to arrive in half an hour.

"Do you want to take a shower first?" you ask thinking of last time.

So far he has said hardly anything and you can't get a feeling on how he is. What you are to do?

He looks at you for a moment then sits on the edge of the bed, rubbing his face with his hands. For a moment he does not move and then he puts his boots back on. Without a word he leaves and you are left wondering what the hell you did wrong.

What do you do now?

You phone Stefan and ask him if there is any way he could find out for you where the Winter Soldier has gone. He phones back ten minutes later the Winter Soldier is pounding around the running track. Everyone is giving him space; he looks like he doesn't want to be interrupted.

What do you do? You are never going to know how his mind works from one minute to the next.

The food arrives. You make an effort to eat yours and leave his covered and on the side. But it is hours before he comes back, and by this time you have given up and gone to bed. When you hear him come in you do not know whether or not to get up and see him.

You do.

"I can see if they can reheat something for you," you say indicating the food.

"I've eaten," he says, and he has. To their surprise and consternation he joined some of the guards in the canteen. He said nothing to them when he sat down, just listened to their talking.

"Okay," you say at a loss with what to say, how to react.

He starts to pull his tee shirt over his head and goes towards the bathroom. When he gets there he goes in and closes the door firmly behind him, cutting off any further conversation.

You give up and go back to bed, leaving the light on next to his bed. You cannot help but feel angry with the pent up frustration of the last few days. You are only human. You decide if that is the way he wants to play it then why should you care? You know you are being childish.

You pull the sheets over your shoulder, huddle down and go to sleep.

You wake. You need to pee and so you get up to use the bathroom looking at the clock. It is late but the Winter Soldier's bed has not been slept in and you realise you can still hear the water running in the bathroom.

Your stomach turns.

There is no lock on the bathroom door and you open it hesitantly. The shower is still on and you can see him sat under the water, his back against the wall.

You walk over and crouch down. The water is freezing and you cannot help but shiver. He looks at you. His eyes are black holes.

"What the fuck do you want?" he asks, his voice menacing, a look of absolute hatred in his eyes and you feel shocked.

You think about leaving, saying nothing, just walking out of there but you can't leave him.

"You must be cold," you say, you hate the quiver in your voice.

He laughs but it is not pleasant and then he stands up, a bit unsteady but he reaches over and puts the taps off. "And I suppose you're __offering__ to warm me up?"

You stand next to him and take a step back as he reaches for a towel. He dries himself off and then looks at you.

"You still here?"

"I don't have a lot of places I can go." you say back.

 **...**

 _ _And her response makes him feel even angrier. She is judging him.__

 _ _What the fuck is that supposed to mean anyway? Look at her standing there, not a problem in the world. After all what is she here for? To fuck, see to his every need, what problems can she possibly have?__

 _ _And with that he feels the anger growing inside him, feels it all channelled towards her, towards her innocence, towards her goodness, and without thinking he lashes out. She falls back onto the floor and he doesn't give her a chance to move before he takes her arm hauling her up and out into the bedroom where he throws her onto the bed.__

" _ _Warm me up then," he snarls and she moves back away from him, a small trickle of blood running from her mouth and a look of fear in her eyes. She puts her hand out as if that is going to stop him.__

" _ _What are you going to do? Make the nightmares go away?" he says and suddenly -__

 **...**

You realise he doesn't know what he is saying. His words do not match his actions.

"Are you going to stop them wiping my mind tomorrow? Stop them from filling it with millions of sharp blades all cutting into it at once, stop them from..." And he stops when he finally hears his own words.

You come forward at the look in his eyes. He is looking inward, the hatred in his eyes changing to - to you don't know what but you realise that the hatred wasn't directed at you, it was directed at himself.

You move forward and touch his arm. He is sat on the edge of the bed and he shrugs you off.

"Don't touch me." His voice is tired.

You get nearer, kneeling now, and you touch his face. He tries to pull away but you won't let him. He starts to fight you; he is so much stronger than you but you keep coming back each time he pushes you away until he hits you with such force it dislodges you and you fall awkwardly onto the floor at his feet.

You feel stunned but he is watching you, his eyes wide, and you move forward up on your knees and put your hand on his shoulder and look into his eyes, your other hand strokes down his cheek.

"Let me in," you say

"No!" His voice is so loud that it hurts your ears and he pushes you away again but he doesn't move. He is still looking at you, and in his eyes is desperation.

You move up to him again and put your hands on his shoulders.

"I hate you," he says, spit hitting your face, but he doesn't push you away.

"I know you do," you say.

"Leave me alone, don't touch me," but he still doesn't stop you and you move closer, your hands warming his skin.

"I know," you say.

"I'll kill you."

"I know," and you are crying now because that is what he is doing. He is crying too, loud sobs coming from deep within.

You kiss his face, his mouth, his eyes and his hands have encircled your waist.

"Don't," he is saying but you take no notice. You kiss him gently.

"I love you," you say softly.

"I hate you," he replies, sobbing.

"I know."

And then he is hauling you back up on to the bed, not giving you time to breathe. His body covers yours and he kisses your mouth as if he is drowning. His hands run over your body but not gently; he is harsh, he bites into your neck, but you don't utter a word. Instead you kiss his mouth and bite his lip, your nails scratch deep into his back and he groans. You can feel his erection hard pushing into your stomach and your hand takes hold of it and you run yours nails along it and he gasps.

He moves to look at you and you go to touch his face but he catches your hand and slams it back down, then he twists your hair so he can pull your head back. You start to fight him, not to stop him but to hurt him because he needs you to, for some reason this man wants you to hurt him, you can see it in his eyes.

"I hate you," he says again as if trying to convince himself, and this time you don't agree with him.

"No you don't," you say quietly and he stops dead, staring at you.

"You hate yourself," you say.

And with that it is like you have woken something up; something dangerous. He roars something, you don't know what, but he grabs at you, starts to force your legs apart, his hands hurt you, and you feel him force his way into you with no delicacy, no thought for you. He is unrelenting and he fucks you as hard as he can, he bites you, his metal hand scratches at your back as he pulls your body up to him, it is as if he is trying to clamber inside you.

And through it all, you try to keep up with him, try not to cry out when he hurts you so badly you think he may have broken something. And when he comes he has you in such a bearlike embrace you can't breathe; he is grunting, sweat flying off his body, his hair is soaking wet, you can smell his animal smell and his fingers are clasping your skin as if to tear it from your body.

And as he releases his pent up pain you hear him, you hear an utter desperation in his voice.

"Help me, oh God help me! Please!"

 **...**

You were allowed to watch as the Winter Soldier was wiped. He didn't ask you to leave this time; he needed you there, as close as you could be.

He is now asleep until they call upon him for his next mission, and you are in Director Lehmann's office and it is you that have asked for the meeting. Once more you ask yourself, _ _are you betraying him? Are you betraying the man you love, or are you helping him?__

You can see Lehmann is intrigued. He knows he is the last person you would seek help from but you do not know what else to do.

The Winter Soldier cannot go on the way things are going.

After the first two missions, which were successful, he fell apart. He remembers the targets, he remembers they were unarmed, he remembers that he murdered them. Oh, you know when they wipe him he will forget, that the details will be dragged from his brain but until then 24 hours can seem to be a long time when you think you are drowning.

You explain what has happened the last two times he has come back after mission report, and immediately you can see Lehmann understands the problem. He does not want the Winter Soldier to feel regret, anguish, remorse. Does not want him to identify in anyway with those murdered people. Over time this could cause serious consequences.

"I know I don't understand the programming you use but is there not something you can put in to stop these..." you look for the right words.

He says them for you. "Compassionate feelings?"

You nod. "Yes."

And so you have told him, you have betrayed the man you love, you are causing more pain for him but what else can you do? To see him both times fall apart was terrible; you were there when he woke from the nightmares shaking, sweating, when he kept telling you they had no chance against him. When he asked you why Hydra needed these men dead.

Lehmann sits there gazing at you for what seems like an eternity, and you wish you knew what he was thinking.

Eventually he nods and stands up.

"There is something we can do. Leave it with me," he says and you can see the interview is finished.

You stand up to leave.

Ever courteous he holds the door open for you and as you pass through he cannot help one last jab. "Thank you for coming to me with this problem, Miss Bowman. I can see you understand the importance of the work Hydra is committed to. I won't forget."

But you cannot help being the person you are. You should have said nothing. "I didn't do it for you, or for Hydra, I did it for James Barnes," you say.

He shakes his head slowly, and that smile plays around his lips.

"Oh my dear girl, when will you realise they are one and the same thing?" and with that he closes the door behind you, leaving you standing there totally alone.

 **...**

 **Notes:**

For further details on these assassinations and how they affected the world please see:

First: wiki/Jan_Masaryk

Second: wiki/Jorge_Eli%C3%A9cer_Gait%C3%A1n


	34. Chapter 34 - Branded

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Thirty-Four: The Constant & The Winter Soldier – Branded****

It is a totally __normal__ day for you. The Winter Soldier has been brought out for training and you are trying to find things to keep you occupied in the meantime. Using one of the only two keys, you unlock the store room cupboard. There are several of these rooms you have to keep stocked, but this one relates to the Winter Soldier and contains everything needed from tee-shirts to knives. Looking around it now, you feel people would be surprised to know how mundane some of the supplies are.

You are working on the inventory check when the door opens and closes. You turn, expecting to see maybe Stefan, but instead it is one of the new guards. You don't like this man. He is always hanging around, always trying to talk to you. He is one of those people who invades people's personal space.

You don't say anything, just finish your task and go to move past him to leave - but he steps and blocks the doorway.

 _ _He is new. They have warned him to stay away from this woman, but he thinks he knows better. He has listened to the other guards; this woman is a challenge they are too frightened to take on. Tonight he is determined he will be able to boast a conquest.__

 _ _Wrong. Tonight he will be dead.__

"Excuse me please," you say and reach around to get the handle but he stays your hand and you snatch it away.

"Don't be like that," he says and moves closer. He is smiling and touches your arm.

Your heart begins to race. You can smell his bad breath as he leans in towards you as if to tell you a secret.

"Come on. I'm sure by now you are missing a man. A proper man that is." His hand reaches out and touches your breast and you slap it away and then slap his face.

"Get out. Now!" you hiss but he just laughs.

This stupid man has never seen the Winter Soldier in action. Has never seen him in a rage. He doesn't realise how near he is to being wiped off the face of the earth.

"You think I'm afraid of your boyfriend?" he sneers.

"You should be," you say, and you try once again to move past him but he grabs you around the waist, swinging you as he does. You drop your papers and struggle against him, but he is pressing his whole disgusting body into yours and is trying to force his tongue into your mouth.

You do the first thing your body and mind tells you to and knee him in the balls - hard, and you put all your strength behind it. You hear the air expel from his lungs as he falls to his knees and you manage to get the door open, but he is quick and grabs at the bottom of your skirt, then your ankle.

You have the door open and you are one step outside but his hand stops you. You are frightened, if he pulls you back in, he will hurt you and your chance for escape will be gone.

"Please help! Anyone! Help!" you scream just as the guard regains his breath and pulls you back inside, straight onto the ground. The door swings closed and you feel panic surround you.

"No! No! Let go, no..." He is on top of you. He punches you hard in the head. He yanks open the first three buttons and tears your blouse. For a moment you think you are going to black out and he takes that opportunity to reach for his zip.

"No..." Your lip is bleeding, and you are the one who is winded now. "No..."

But before he can go any further you hear the door open, and someone takes hold of the guard from behind and pulls him backwards and out of the store room. Another guard comes in and sees it is you and swears. He helps you up. As you leave the room, the other guards are trying to talk sense to the guard who tried to rape you.

He is not listening.

Suddenly you are aware of them all going quiet, and you look up to see the Winter Soldier. He is watching. No one saw him arrive.

The new guard tries to pull his zip up addressing himself to the Winter Soldier.

"She asked me to help her and then when we were in there she wanted me to fuck her..."

You cannot believe the bare-faced lie.

"You know how woman are," he is whining now, thinking he is talking man-to-man. The other guards do not know where to look, and all stare at the floor. They want no part of this.

"Is that why her lip is bleeding?" the Winter Soldier looks at him and asks quietly.

One of the other guards tries to walk away but the Winter Soldier's raised hand stays him.

He is calm, cool, looks you up and down, and then back at the new guard.

"She said she liked it rough." The new guard thinks he is being clever. He knows how they have heard you cry out at night, can all see cuts and bruises the next day.

The Winter Soldier looks back at you and indicates you are to go. Your eyes are full of tears; surely he won't believe the man? You go to speak and he shakes his head and so you turn and limp away back to your room.

 _ _He is so angry, so very angry. She is his, she is his property and only his, his possession. How dare anyone think otherwise? He looks back at the guard and sees right through the man. He has met his type before. He looks back at the other guards, and then walks up to the new guard, who backs away until he is against the wall.__

 _ _He thought he had gotten away with it. But he has never before seen such coldness in someone's eyes and he realises the mistake he has made.__

 _ _He starts to splutter, blaming her, saying she said she wanted a man, saying she had said things about the Winter Soldier's lack of prowess. He is just digging his grave deeper.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier reaches up and pats the man on the shoulder, and stupidly the man breathes a sigh of relief until the hand moves to the back of his head and grabs him, pulling him so close he thinks the Winter Soldier is going to kiss him. He looks into the cold eyes and wets himself as the Winter Soldier tightens his hand and pulls to the side, cracking the mans spinal cord in half and breaking his neck.__

 _ _He lets the body go and it falls down into its own pool of urine.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier turns to the guards. This is the third guard to their knowledge he has killed. They do not even think to raise their guns.__

" _ _Take him out and put him somewhere as a warning. Do you understand? This will__ not __happen again. Do I make myself clear?" he says to them.__

 _ _They nod, they understand exactly what he is saying: she is out of bounds. They start to drag the body away, grateful that he hasn't blamed them all.__

 _ _He was on his way to training and he continues, believing the guard to have been totally at fault, but as the afternoon wears on he begins to think and in his mind he sees Freya and the guard together. His paranoia begins to gather in force. He remembers what they have told him about her, how they call her a whore. Surely there must be some grounds for such an accusation? He is not supposed to have feelings but his rages are so cold, so deadly and by the time afternoon comes he feels he is almost ready to kill again.__

 _ _Perhaps she has forgotten she belongs to him. He needs to remind her, to mark her as his.__

You enter your room in your dressing gown after having your second shower of the day. Your face throbs where the guard punched you, and your mouth is bruised. You feel as though you can't get clean.

The Winter Soldier is sat on his bed.

You are surprised - you didn't think you would see him this early. You have stayed in your room all morning and spoken to no one, and so you do not know about the guard.

He looks at you, and immediately you can see by the the look on his face, the look in those eyes, that it is you who has done something wrong. He blames you. What has the guard said?

He stands up and strides over to you, his whole body taut, the look on his face is one of pure malevolence. You take a step back, you cannot help it, you love this man but you are petrified of this insane side of him.

"I didn't do anything, I promise. He is lying to you, please believe me..." you gabble, your voice breaking. You know he blames you. Somehow it must be your fault.

He grabs your wrist and pulls you close to him and that thin lipped cruel smile makes you shudder.

"You are mine, and only mine. You obviously still don't understand that yet." He holds you so tight you can't breathe and when he talks spittle lands on your face.

Turning he pushes you down onto the bed, onto __his__ bed, and you wriggle up more to get away from him than to be comfortable. He kneels and then moves to straddle you, and without any warning reaches down and tears open your dressing gown, exposing your naked body.

He is savage.

"I need to teach you a lesson."

He is so angry, and you are petrified.

His knife appears in his hand and for a minute you think he is going to kill you but instead he leans back and presses the cold steel on your stomach, you breathe in deeply so the point will not penetrate your skin.

"Who do you belong to?" he asks. His voice deceptively soft, but the knife presses down and you can't help but whimper.

"You," you say quietly.

His eyes are boring into yours. He moves his head slightly as if to indicate he cannot hear you.

You clear your throat and say it louder, your voice still trembles though.

"You."

"Something you seem to have forgotten...you belong to me. You are __my__ property."

He is never this vocal.

He moves back slightly and the knife is drawn downwards.

"Please, no, I didn't do anything wrong...he just came in when I was in there and started on me. I tried to get away...please, please don't hurt me." You start to cry as the knife draws a line across your pants and down. You can feel the coldness of the blade through them. If he presses any harder on the blade it will slice the material and your skin open.

It reaches the top of your inner thigh and then you feel the blade pierce your skin and you gasp. He digs the tip of the blade in and it feels like he draws something. It isn't until he moves again that you begin to feel a stinging sensation where the knife went in. Pain starts to creep into your lower belly. He hasn't finished. You feel the knife dig in again, and the stinging sensation increases and so does the pain.

He has frightened you before, played these games, but this time there is more of a coldness about him you have ever seen. __This time he is going to kill me__.

He moves the knife back up and wipes blood off the blade onto the bedclothes. Without realising you were holding your breath, you breathe again. He moves himself up slightly further and places the knife blade to your cheek intending to mark you there as well...but he can't bring himself to do it. He doesn't want to break your skin. Not on your face, not there.

Instead, he moves so his knee is holding down your left arm and hand. The weight hurts and you think he is going to break the bone, especially when he twists your arm so he can see the side of it. Then he leans over and holds your arm with his left hand whilst his right takes a firm hold of his knife. You can't see what he is doing but you feel the tip of the blade pierce the skin at the top of your arm. It moves deeper into the flesh and you gasp. He draws the blade across and then back again, blood spatters the bed and the floor and the pain makes you feel nauseous.

This is deeper than whatever he did on your thigh, much deeper.

"Please no, please. It hurts. Please stop," you beg, trying to move, but he is too strong. He carries on and for a moment you think you are going to pass out. The pain intensifies as he carries on drawing the knife back and forward and then he puts the blade on the table. It is covered in blood. Your blood. You can see his hand is bloody, and whatever he tries to do next he has trouble with because of the slickness of the liquid.

Blood is pounding in your ears and you feel weak. You try to beg him again but your mouth has gone dry and no words come out.

You hear and feel an intense ripping sound and more pain shoots through your arm. He finally moves backwards and throws something away from him; you can't see what it is. Your arm is bleeding badly and you try to move to look, but he still has you pinned down. He wraps a piece of sheet around the top of your arm and then his attention comes back to you. There is a splattering of your blood on his face.

"You are nothing to me, but you __do__ belong to me. It seems I have to remind people of that." He leans over you wrapping his bloodied hand in your hair to pull your face closer to his.

"Nothing!" He lets your hair go and tears run down your face. You close your eyes to shut out the contempt and hatred on his features and in his voice. Your arm throbs in tune with your thigh, and you can feel your heart beating faster.

"Look at me," he growls.

Instead you tighten your closed eyes and he slaps you with his left hand. The metal nearly breaks your cheekbone and splits the lip already hurt this morning and leaves your head ringing.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

You do.

His metal hand has some of your blood on it. He looks at you, and then, leaning in closer, he takes hold of more of your hair and uses it to wipe his hand clean, a look of absolute disgust on his face.

"You...are... _ _mine.__ My property...mine. If you ever do anything like that again I will take you apart. Do you understand?...Do you?" He reiterates each word.

You are so frightened, so traumatised you can't answer but he sees the wideness of your pupils and knows you have gotten the message.

Then, letting go of your hair, he moves back and off the bed.

For a moment he just stares down at you, his eyes travelling down your body. You bring your arms up, you don't want him looking at you and you try and cross them over your breasts. You feel the stickiness of the blood and your left arm is so painful you have trouble with the co-ordination of it.

He is looking at your face now, and the sneer tells you he finds you repulsive. You are not even worth any more words. He turns and leaves the room.

You pull one of the sheets to you and curl up on top of the bed and sob as if your heart is breaking. He is your life, your whole existence. Will he be back? Will he still want you as his companion? As his Constant? But then the other questions come into your mind. How can you want to live with such a monster? What does that make __you__? It isn't rational but you do not care, because if he doesn't want you anymore then your life is over, and at the moment you do not want to live.

How pathetic are you?

The pain in your left arm reminds you it is there and the stinging on the top of your thigh. You are frightened to look but you do. Excised into the inside your thigh at the top of your leg is a star. Blood dribbles down onto the sheets; it is far more than just a scratch, and when it heals it will leave a ribbed scar. The skin around it is bruised.

"Oh God, oh God," you don't realise you are talking, words running into each other. You turn to look at your left arm. The covering is soaking wet with blood and it takes you a moment of fumbling to pull it off. Pain lances through you and you think you are going to vomit.

On the top of your arm he has drawn a shape and then torn the whole patch of skin away to leave another red star. Blood wells out of every part of it and the air seems to make it hurt even more. It is the same size of the star he wears on his left arm. The bruising around it makes it throb even more; you can see where his fingers held you down so tightly.

He has marked you. No. He has __branded__ you. You are his, and there are now two warnings on you telling everyone you belong to him.

No one can ever say they didn't know.

 **...**

 _ _Later he returns to his room. It is quiet. His bed is still a mess, all the bed clothes stained and rucked up; blood spatters the area. He can hear the shower going in the bathroom but it is hours later, surely she cannot still be in there.__

 _ _The door of the bathroom is ajar. He pushes it open and walks over to the shower curtain. The water is still running but there is no steam; the room is cold. He can't see any movement, and fear quickly grips him. He pulls the shower curtain too hard. It comes down and he throws it on the floor.__

 _ _She is there, huddled in the corner of the shower. The water is freezing cold and he can see she has been there for a long time. Her eyes are closed and her skin is blue. He quickly turns the water off and moves in to kneel on one knee in front of her.__

 _ _He can see the star he excised into her left arm. It is angry and stands out red against the blue marble of her skin, and the darker blue bruising. It is still bleeding, but slowly due to the cold. He cannot see her thigh.__

 _ _Very quietly he says her name. He rarely calls her by it, but he is so frightened by what he has done to her.__

 _ _Her head turns in his direction and her eyes widen. She whimpers and pulls herself into an even smaller ball. He touches her and she starts to tremble, she is ice cold and her skin breaks out in goosebumps.__

 _ _Swearing under his breath he gets up and fetches some towels and a robe. When he returns she has not moved. He tries his best to wrap one of the towels around her, making sure he doesn't touch her arm, and rubs her skin to get her blood circulating.__

 _ _Suddenly, as if she has woken from a dream, she grips his arm and her eyes are pools of fear. But then she looks at her hand on his arm and hurriedly takes it away.__ __She tries to talk but he shushes her but she shakes her head no. Her teeth are chattering and she can barely get the words out.__

" _ _You mustn't touch me, I'm dirty..."__

 _ _He closes his eyes, counts to three, and then opens them and looks at her as she tries to talk again.__

" _ _What did I do wrong? Please, what did I do wrong?" she whispers. It so quiet he has to strain to hear and when he does hear the words he bows his head. He__ knew _ _it was the guards fault, he has always known it, how could he have ever thought otherwise?__

 _ _Whenever he feels the anger take him the side of him he finds difficult to control takes over, the cruel side. Sometimes it is as if there are several different people living inside of him, inside his mind. He feels at moments like this he must be insane.__

 _ _That afternoon he had felt himself grow so cold in his anger and his cruel side took control and controlled him. He needed to teach her a lesson, that he__ __is her life, he needed to dominate her, she is HIS. So as the anger built so did the jealousy, until he couldn't stand it any longer and he had hurt her, again.__

 _ _And now, now he felt he was the lowest piece of filth on the planet. How could he have done what he did, any of it? Why did he think that of her? He doesn't even know where the idea to do it came from. How could he expect her to forgive him and stay with him?__

 _ _He shakes his head. He doesn't trust his own voice. He pulls her up to stand and then sees a bead of blood dribbling down her leg from the cut high up on her thigh. Her legs have no feeling and she can't stand on her own so he picks her up in his arms. She is so light, no weight at all, but he can feel her shivering and he holds her close.__

You close your eyes and feel the warmth of his body, the strength in it, and you feel safe. You are so cold you cannot stop shivering. Your Winter Soldier is back; the cruel one gone for now. You just want to be warm.

Your arm is still bleeding and you can feel him tightening some type of cloth over it. You want to tell him not to worry, not to stop the blood, just let it drain all out of you; it will make the pain go away. Instead he places you in the bed and gets in besides you, pulls you gently towards him and tells you to sleep.

Perhaps this time you will be lucky. Perhaps this time when you sleep you will never wake up again.

Then your pain will truly be over.


	35. Chapter 35 - What Have You Done To Me?

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Thirty Five: The Constant & Winter Soldier - What Have You Done To Me?****

You need to get these files over to Lehmann's office by midday and it has taken you all morning to sort them out. When did you turn into such a paper-pusher? What is worse is that you have to see his assistant, Jocelyn, and you don't like her. The feeling is mutual. She is young, attractive, and men seem to fall over themselves paying attention to her; she knows they do. You were surprised that she was Lehmann's choice of secretary, but maybe she is good at her job.

Of course...that's what it must be.

As you turn the corridor you look up. Her desk is up ahead at the T junction, just outside of Lehmann's office, and the Winter Soldier is there.

He is standing close to Jocelyn. Something about them stops you in your tracks.

You are looking at them side on. She has her hand on his right arm and is walking her fingers up it; you cannot see his expression, but he is leant towards her. You can see by the expression on her face she is enjoying their talk; both of them seem calm, relaxed. A stab of jealousy goes through you that physically hurts. You have never felt such raw envy before and you are shocked at how much the scene makes you feel sick.

He leans further forward and you think he is going to kiss her; so does she, she lifts her head to meet him but instead he leans towards her and whispers something in her ear. You cannot see her reaction. He pulls slightly away and is now looking into her eyes. You badly want to look away but you can't. You hear the girl laugh, and slowly she takes her hand away from him and he turns to go.

She sits back down. Neither of them have seen you, and you back away until you are back around the corner.

You lean against the wall and close your eyes and hug the folders. He is sleeping with her. It is obvious. How did you ever think he wouldn't want other women? How did you ever think you would be enough? You have never had a high opinion of your looks, even though it has never occurred to you to compare yourself to other women. But when you think of Jocelyn you realise you must look like some... _ _clumsy__ __oaf__ next to her.

You hear voices from down the corridor and you pull yourself away from the wall and pretend you are going through the files until the guards walk past. You have to take these files to her; there is no other option, and so you follow the guards. They hover next to Jocelyn for a few moments, flirting. Then they carry on and she sees you. Her smile is one of pure calculated malice and now you know why she always acts so superior to you. She is sleeping with your man. Your confidence has taken a knock. No.

It is in tatters.

You look at her beautiful black hair, bobbed and sculptured to her neckline, her brown eyes shaped like a cats', and her small shapely body and you want to weep; no wonder he likes her. She wears her clothes like a model and you feel shabby. The Hydra logo on her sleeve stands out proud.

You do not see yourself as others see you. You do not see yourself as he does.

You hand the folders over trying to keep your voice steady and then you escape back to your quarters, closing the door behind you, shutting everyone out.

You spend the rest of the day working on reports, timetables, anything to stop yourself from thinking. But as you work you cry: you feel so sick, so alone. What if he asks to have the girl as his Constant? What if you have to leave him? To never see him again, never touch him. You are driving yourself mad.

Finally you finish and go to use the bathroom. Whilst washing your hands you look at yourself in the mirror: at five foot ten you are tall for a woman; you do not see your shapely figure; your long legs. You just see her small delicate body superimposed on yours, and you despair.

You pull your plait forward and release the hair into a pony tail. To you it is dull; you do not see the different colours in it that reminded James of sable fur. Hers is black, just one tone but beautifully coiffed. Her eyes are so delicate and clear; you look into yours and you see the pain in them. They are so large, and to you just plain but to everyone who knows you they have the capacity to show all of your honest emotions.

You can't look any more, and instead you move away and into the other room. He will be back soon and you can't help but wonder if he has been with her instead of the additional training as he said he was. Then it occurs to you...will he be back or will you get a message from one of the guards to say he is busy and won't return until tomorrow, if at all?

You pace up and down. You can't settle, and as you pace you get angry, with him, but truly with yourself. As you walk you have arguments in your mind with him. You ask if he is sleeping with her and he tells you it is none of your business. By the time you finish you are totally convinced: he is going to leave you, you hate him in that moment.

But you hate yourself more.

There is a pair of scissors on the table and you take them and open and close the blades, then moving to the bathroom mirror you look at yourself, you look at your hair. It has not been cut since you were six years old and your mother had caught you cutting it; she had been so upset and you couldn't understand why. She made you promise never to cut it. You didn't want to make her ill again.

But now you are so angry that you want to do something. You take some of your hair in your hand and place it between the blades and cut, but it is so thick it won't cut at all. The scissors are too blunt.

"Goddamn you," you shout and try again, but this time someone stops you. It is the Winter Soldier. He is stood next to you and before you can react he takes the scissors out of your hand.

"What are you doing?" he asks in bewilderment.

You look at him in the mirror and he sees an anger in your eyes he has never seen before. Your eyes are red-rimmed, as if you have been crying.

"What's wrong? What are you doing?"

You turn around and try and take the scissors.

"I'm cutting my bloody goddamn hair, not that it's any of your business." But you can't get at them, he holds them up high where you can't reach them. He doesn't want you to cut your hair.

He makes the mistake of smiling at you as if he is amused. He is not being funny with you; it is more of a nervous gesture because this isn't you and he doesn't know how to react. He rarely hears you curse. And he has been out of cryo long enough to start knowing what you truly mean to him.

You walk out of the bathroom and slam things around. You are so angry you feel like you are going to burst.

He follows you. To his knowledge, you have never been like this before.

"What is it? What's happened?" He keeps his voice neutral.

"As if you would care," you mutter.

You feel his hand on your shoulder and you shrug away from him. You want this man so much, even through all the mental and physical abuse you still want him, not just to sleep with but to hold you, to love you; for you to be his world as much as he is yours...but that will never happen. You feel so angry with everything, so angry with the world.

You are going to lose him, and that thought stops you.

He sees your shoulders slump as if you are suddenly tired, and he pulls you around to face him.

For a moment you give in and rest your forehead against him but then you see the scene from the corridor replayed in your mind and you try to pull away.

He won't let you. You put your hands over your face. "What have you done to me?" you say. And then, a whisper: "Why didn't I let you die at the field hospital?"

For a moment you are both quiet.

"Tell me what's wrong," he says and you look up to see him looking at you, those beautiful eyes, looking at you as if he cares. He doesn't, he can't, he doesn't have emotions for you unless its connected with sex. You know that so why look for anything else in him.

You know you are damaged in mind as well as body, you are so angry with him, but even now you still want him so much, hate and love so entwined that you don't know which one is which anymore.

All your frustration comes out and you punch his chest with both your fists. He is taken by surprise and falls backwards.

You are shouting how much you hate him, how you wish you had let him die at the field hospital, how much he has hurt you and what he has made you become. Your words run together and he can't understand them all. You are crying, hiccuping.

You hit him again and again and he lets you until your anger runs out. You are still weeping. He catches hold of your wrists and tries to hold you but you try and push him away, he won't let go of you though, he keeps hold of your wrists.

Then you go quiet and he has to strain to hear you. "Hurt me," you say. He bends down to catch your chin to raise it to ask what you said. "Hurt me," you say louder, tears running down your cheeks and he realises what you are asking of him.

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's what you always do," you say.

You get your hand free and hit him again, but this time there is no power behind it. He buries his hand in your hair and pulls your head back and kisses you hard, biting your lip. You need this man so badly you ache.

He moves you to the bed and you back up on it whilst he removes his shirt; you unbutton your blouse but that is all. He moves up to you and this time you pull him to you and his hand slides up under your skirt.

"Hurt me," you say.

He pulls away and looks at you but you just pull him back, watching his mouth and you mumble "Please...for God's sake please."

He pushes you back and you know he can see how much you want him.

He has taught you well, this Winter Soldier: you think that with sex comes pain and you need it. You feel the coldness of the metal on your thigh, your fingers dig into his back; you will give him anything he wants. He moves to kiss your neck and bites down on your collarbone and you moan. You know that he will draw blood and you don't care, you will draw your own as your nails claw at his spine and work downwards.

You want to feel him hurt you, you want it to hurt; if this is going to be the last time you want to remember it, to have the scars. You feel for his zip and unzip his trousers and release his cock which is hard. He grunts as you run your nails down the length of it and it makes him harder. He reaches for your hand to stop you but you surprise him, you smack his hand away, then moving your pants down you guide him into you wrapping your legs around his so he goes deep.

You moan and arch under him so your bodies are not just close, but completely together.

"Please, harder," you beg and he moves up and, grabbing both your hands, he holds them up above your head.

He is deep inside you and you can see in his eyes he wants you. He dips his head and sucks at your breast, nipping you and then drawing your nipple through his teeth, and then catching the delicate skin again between his teeth; the pain of it runs through you and you moan again.

One hand holds yours and his metal hand moves under you and down until he can feel the cleft of your buttocks, he runs his finger down and then into you and you groan. He inserts another finger.

You are so close to coming that he can hear your breathing hitch and he knows he has you. He keeps up the rhythm but now moves slower. He lets go of your hands to support himself slightly above you, he watches you; your cheeks are flushed, your eyes closed and you moan softly.

"Freya," he says quietly.

You hear your name just as his fingers inside you move slightly deeper. You can also feel his cock moving sending hot flushes through your body.

"Don't stop," you beg

"Tell me what's wrong," he whispers. He knows he has you at your most vulnerable now.

"Nothing! Oh, God, don't stop," you beg him and open your eyes.

"Tell me or I will."

"No...no please don't." You will do anything. Your legs tighten their hold on him, you don't want him to come out of either place.

"Look at me...tell me...or..." He slows down.

You look into his eyes and your body is begging you not to let him stop; you move slightly but his weight is too heavy and you can't alter your position, he has you firmly under his control.

"Please. Just fuck me," you beg.

"Why were you going to cut your hair?" He has to take a deep breath to try and stop himself from coming; he knows he has power over you but you don't know the power you have over him. It is part of your innocence.

You look at him and he sees the unshed tears in your eyes.

"No, nothing, please just...please!" you beg but he is determined to find out what is wrong. He goes to move again and you are desperate for him to finish, desperate for him to make you climax. "I...saw you, earlier...with __her__..." You are finding it difficult to breathe and talk but as you say the words your anger starts to resurface and he sees it.

He is confused but doesn't show it. "Who?"

"Jocelyn," you spit her name out and now he is genuinely puzzled. "You're going to ask her to replace me, I know you are." You try to move again and he is quiet, instead he concentrates on your body and making you groan again as he pushes a third finger inside you and you almost stop breathing.

"Oh God please, please..." you moan, forgetting yourself for a moment.

"Freya."

He gets your attention back. Then bends and kisses you, his tongue tracing around yours and then he moves back again so he can see you.

"Why, why would I do that?" he asks.

You bite your lip, oh God he is going to stop, he is not going to let you come.

"Please, please I need you, please fuck me," you whisper.

"Why? Tell me!" his voice is more serious, deeper; you know he won't do anything if you don't answer him.

You asked him for pain, well here it is - mentally and physically.

"Because she is young and beautiful and you're sleeping with her." Your reply surprises him so much that he stops and you misinterpret it.

"No please, please don't stop."

He starts again and kisses you again, whispering that he won't. His hand strokes the side of your body; he has to let you come because he can't hold himself back any more. You feel the change in him and your hands move to grip his shoulders, your nails drawing blood as your body arches and he kisses your throat as you cry out and he comes inside you.

He withdraws his metal hand and draws out of you but stays over you so that you can't escape. He knows you will try.

"I'm not sleeping with her," he says but you won't look at him. You don't want to hear his lies. He is the one person you always thought would be truthful.

He can see you won't listen so instead he moves away and stands up, tucking himself back in and doing up his zip, putting his tee-shirt back on. You turn onto your side, away from him. You don't hear him move for a moment but then he pads to the bathroom and you hear him washing his hands.

He comes back in and, sitting on the edge of the bed, reaches over to pull you onto your back. You are surprised how tired he looks.

"Come with me..." He sees you are going to refuse. "...please," he adds. He has never said that before.

You adjust your clothing and get off the bed, and he goes back into the bathroom. In there he stands you in front of the mirror; you try to move away but he won't let you and instead holds you in place, looking at your reflection.

You don't know what he is doing. You don't want to look up at him, but he makes you.

"What do you see?" he asks you. His eyes give you no clue as to what he is expecting you to say.

You wish now you hadn't said anything. Why did you make a fuss? Why is everything with him so difficult for you?

"Why were you going to cut your hair?" He scoops up your hair and brings it over your shoulder to the front and runs his metal hand through it.

"I don't know," you whisper.

He doesn't say anything, just watches you. Your cheeks flush.

"Because I hate it. I hate myself. I'm so ugly, so ..." You turn around against his chest, weeping again when you don't want to. You hit him with your clenched fist but there is no power behind it. He brings his arms up around you and strokes your hair.

"Look in the mirror," he tries to turn you back around.

"Please don't make me," you beg, but he doesn't stop until you are facing it again.

He holds up your hair.

"How can you say you hate it? It has such beautiful colours, and is so soft." He rubs it against your face so you can feel it. "Promise me you will never cut it." You lift your eyes and look at his reflection and he strokes your cheek.

"Promise me," he repeats and you give a slight nod. He knows you will do anything he asks of you.

"Your eyes are so big, a man can lose himself in them - I love the way their colour changes in the light. And your lips," he runs his fingers over them "so beautiful, so sensuous," he looks at you, his voice serious.

He pushes up your left blouse sleeve so you can both see the star shape he marked you with.

"I should be sorry for marking you with this but I'm not, it means you are mine, you are my woman, do you understand?" his voice is soft and he traces the outline of the star and then gently pulls your sleeve down.

Then he allows his hand to move down and runs his hand over your waist and the top of your thighs.

"And your long legs and soft thighs, why would I want to lie anywhere else? Why would I ever want anyone else?"

You turn back around, weeping even harder; you are clinging onto the material of his top breathing in his scent.

 _ _He lets her weep and then after a few minutes, he moves her away and gets her to look at him.__

" _ _Do you want to leave? Is that it? Are you tired of all this?" he asks, a horrible feeling in his gut which he doesn't show in his face.__

 _ _But he sees the look of horror on her face and knows he is safe.__

" _ _No, no, never," she stumbles over her words. "If you tire of me then I understand but...I would never leave you unless you wanted me to." She runs her hand down his cheek.__

 **...**

 _ _Earlier that day he had gone to see Lehmann about the additional training. But Lehmann is not in and instead Jocelyn gets up from her desk and walks over to him. She gets close, very close. He wants to move back, wants to put the desk between them. He cannot stand her. She runs her nails up and down his arm and leans in close. He leans in too: he knows she thinks he is going to kiss her but, instead he moves slightly and whispers in her ear.__

" _ _Take your fucking hand off me or I will cut each and every one of your fingers off."__

 _ _He hears her indrawn breath and sees her cheeks flush. She has never been turned down before. She drops her hand away.__

" _ _Don't__ ever _ _touch me again," he adds.__

 _ _She pretends she isn't bothered and that she has taken it in her stride, but inside she feels fear clamp down; she knows from his voice he means it. She will leave this one alone, well alone.__

 _ _When he returns to his rooms Freya is in the bathroom and he hears her cursing. She is trying to cut her hair and he snatches the scissors away from her, a panicked feeling running through him. He loves her hair, doesn't want her to cut it, doesn't want her to change in any way. He can see she is annoyed and he follows as she moves away. To his knowledge she has never cut her hair before, she isn't the type of woman to ever think about the way she looks.__

 _ _He is puzzled by her mood, it is so out of character for her. When he sees anger in her eyes directed at him, he knows something must have happened. But she is so angry and from somewhere deep he draws the knowledge that a woman angry cannot be reasoned with, he wonders how he knows that. When she hits him he is surprised again at the power behind it; she really means it but he needs her to let it out so he does nothing until he can see she runs out of steam.__

 _ _Although now he knows they wipe his memory and leave only a part of her behind so that he recognises her, it takes them days to get back to the relationship they had and she is always patient. He knows from the last time he was wiped he is surprised when they give him this woman, and that she allows him to do anything to her. This time when he first used her and was so cold towards her she still drew him to her. How many times has she had that happen to her? How many times has he cruelly used her, then dismissed her and left her alone?__

 _ _When she asks him to hurt her he knows that is his fault. He knows how cold he felt inside when she was given to him, how he had no feelings whatsoever. When he first comes out his only reason for being alive is his mission.__

 _ _This time there was no mission. He was taken out for training, to learn new weapons. He has been out for a longer duration than normal, and now his feelings have not just resurfaced - he is remembering far more.__

 _ _He knows soon, very soon, that they will wipe him and freeze him again.__

 _ _And that when he awakens he will hurt her all over again.__

 _ _He needs to find out what is wrong. Time is running out for both of them.__

 _ _He seduces her and brings her to her most vulnerable point and makes her confess. It confuses him where she could have got the idea from that he wants Jocelyn. Why? She has nothing he would want, and a seed of doubt enters his mind, does she know something he doesn't? Is Lehmann going to replace Freya? Now he is the one to feel sick. There are times when he welcomes the wipe; he can't cope with feelings.__

 _ _They are stood in the bathroom and he is trying to get her to realise he only wants her, but he is not good with words.__

" _ _Why? Why do you think they are going to replace you?" he asks.__

" _ _I saw you...I saw you with her earlier." It clicks in his mind and he would have laughed if it wasn't so sad.__

" _ _She touched me," he says. " And I told her to never touch me again or I would cut her fingers off one by one."__

 _ _She blushes as she realises what he is saying, what he is telling her.__

" _ _I'm sorry," she says to him and he shrugs his shoulders.__

" _ _Just promise me you will never cut your hair," he says wrapping it around his hand, pulling her around to face him and kissing her softly.__

 _ _Later that night, whilst she is asleep, he lies in bed replaying her conversation with him. She told him she wishes she had let him die in the field camp. She said it twice. But now he wonders, what field camp?__

 _ _What was she talking about?__

 _ _What else is there that he hasn't yet remembered?__


	36. Chapter 36 - Too Close To Home

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. There is strong sexual content in this chapter.**

 ** **Chapter Thirty-Six: The Constant & The Winter Soldier - Too Close To Home****

This was to be an ordinary wake-up, nothing different from any of the ones that came before. Wake him up, programme him, get him ready for his mission, up to speed on the latest weaponry and anything else he would need and send him out.

But...

Something is not right.

He has come out of cryo freeze catatonic, and nobody seems to know why. He sits in the master chair with the doctors panicking, shouting. You have knelt at his side, talking softly to him, but you are not getting a response.

Christ, how stupid can they be? What the hell have they done now?

One of the doctors goes to sink a hypodermic needle into the Winter Soldier's right arm. You see the left one twitch and the metal hand slowly curls; you have seen that happen before. Your eyes widen and the bottom of your stomach falls but you are not quick enough to realise the danger despite the sense of dread you feel. Your mouth goes dry.

There is more wrong here than any of you know.

Before the liquid can drain into his arm the doctor is sent sprawling backwards. You try to run but the Winter Soldier has grabbed you, has grabbed your hair, and pulls you to the ground and kneels beside you. There is a scalpel in his hand, at your throat, and he is pulling your head back.

As soon as you see that look, that thin lipped smile, you know who he is. There is pure madness in his eyes.

"Hello again." he whispers, so close that you can smell his breath.

You are aware of the doctors in the background calling for the guards. He knows he only has seconds left and he has a message for you but he doesn't need to speak, you know exactly what he wants. His face gets closer and he slackens the grip on your head but the scalpel digs into your skin and blood trickles down your neck.

 _ _He looks at her, his eyes roaming her face, her lips. Just as he remembers, just as he has dreamt about in the cold darkness.__

You feel the point of the scalpel and you are sure he is going to pull it across your throat; it is sharp enough to kill you, especially with the power of his metal hand.

"Hmm, perhaps not yet," he hisses and the pressure of the scalpel eases a little."I want my fun first." His grin is awful. He lowers the blade and pulls you to him and sucks at the wound in your neck, tasting your blood, sucking it. Your hands scrabble at his chest, trying to get away.

You can hear shouting in the background but also you are beginning to feel faint. He straightens and you see your blood on his lips, staining his teeth and his eyes are pure evil. He is going to hurt you.

How did this happen? How has the second personality come back? How has he taken over the Winter Soldier's body, his mind?

And more importantly, why?

A sudden electric bolt is sent up his spine and he staggers back, letting go of you completely, and then the guards are on top of him. Some of the charge has hit you as well and you feel like your teeth are on edge, your limbs tingle unpleasantly and you feel you cannot move. Another stronger bolt hits him and makes his back arch. Through it all he grins, your blood on his lips until, keeping him on his knees, they fasten his hands behind his back and one of the doctors plunges another needle into his arm. The sedation is strong, and in a moment he will be out cold.

He doesn't stop looking at you and you can't break eye contact with him. It's as if his will is dominating you, won't let you break away.

Jakobs comes to your aid. The other doctors are talking over each other, trying to figure out what went wrong. You look over and see Lehmann. He is the only one not panicking. He sees you looking at him and turns away, but not before you see a smile on his face...as if he has learnt something interesting.

They place the Winter Soldier in a padded room in a straight jacket. Marinov stands two guards in the corridor outside; they know from days of old how dangerous this personality is.

The doctors want to do an immediate mind wipe to see if that will banish this personality, but first Lehmann tells them they need to discover how he can wake from a cryo freeze with the second personality in place. For so long now his mind has been as one; they thought that that personality had been dealt with a long time ago. No one has any ideas. Lehmann __appears__ concerned, but you cannot forget that smile. He sets his doctors the task of finding out.

There is nothing you can do. They will not let you visit him. As the day draws to a close you go back to the quarters you normally share with him, exhausted. Your throat hurts. He bit you where he cut you and the area is puffy, red, Jakobs has given you antibiotics. Your back aches where he had hold of you and pressed you backwards. Was he trying to kill you? He could have done that so easily, but why? To show his power over you?

You have never doubted that. Nothing makes any sense.

You shower, take some pain killers and then go to bed. Part of you wants to stay awake just in case. You know what he is capable of but they have him confined, guarded he can't possibly escape. You are too tired to keep your eyes open and you fall into an uneasy sleep.

 **...**

A noise awakens you. You are sure your door opened and closed. Were the guards checking on you? One of the doctors?

"Is anyone there?" your voice sounds frightened. There is no reply. You reach over and switch the lamp on and your heart jumps.

He cannot have got out. He was in a straitjacket. The room was locked, and guarded, but you see something that makes you turn cold with dread - there is a chair jammed under your door handle and as you turn, you see him moving towards you, fast, menacing.

You can't move. You know you should: you should scream but you have no voice. Then he is towering over you and you are shaking your head __no__. You hit out and try to scramble out of the other side of the bed. His left hand grabs your arm and yanks you back almost pulling your arm out of its socket.

"Oh no you don't. I've waited a long time for this," he growls.

He backhands you across the face and you see stars, literally.

He is fast, he grabs both your hands together pulling them above your head and with strips of cloth he ties them to the bed head.

He has come prepared.

"Please, no, no..." you are babbling; your heart is beating so fast you are sure he can hear it.

Now that you are tied down he grins and sits on the edge of the bed looking at you. He slips one hand under the covers and rests it on your belly. He can feel your warmth through the cloth of your nightgown.

"Remember me?" he asks. The look in his eyes tells you there is no escape, there is nothing you can do. "There's so much I want to do to you." His voice is frightening and the way he looks at you is worse.

You open your mouth to scream for help but he has anticipated this and puts his metal hand over your lips.

"No you don't. It's just you and me. Nobody else is invited to this party." He gags you with another piece of cloth.

He has never done this before. Usually he likes to hear you beg.

He removes the bed covers from you completely, but leaves the pillows under your head so you can watch what he is doing. He then takes a knife out and slits your nightdress from top to bottom, discarding the ruined material on the floor.

He runs the tip of the knife from your throat to your belly and you inhale; you can't help it. He runs the blade under the material of your pants and slits them, pulling the material away and holding the material up, smelling them, and then grins at you as he tosses them on the floor. He slips the knife behind him into the waistband of his trousers.

"You always smell so nice, so ready for me."

He looks at you, feeling the softness of your skin with his fingers, stroking your belly. Your skin breaks out in goosebumps. You are so frightened. He can feel you trembling. You are having trouble breathing and you are trying not to gag.

You are desperately trying to think. Where are the guards? How has he escaped?

Then he moves to straddle you. The Winter Soldier likes domination, he likes to show the power he has.

He bends and pulls down the gag and before you can move away he kisses you, his tongue demanding entry into your mouth. His hands move to feel every part of you he can reach. He bites your lip and winds your hair around his hand pulling you as close to him as he possible can, driving his tongue down your throat until you are choking and trying to pull away from him to breathe.

Finally he lets go and sits back, wiping his mouth with his forearm, a look of such lust in those eyes. He is going to hurt you so very much.

"Please..." you say. You don't want to beg but you don't want this, not him, not this one. He smiles and reaches forward pulling up the gag again.

"Don't want anyone to hear you scream," he whispers into your ear.

Then he moves backwards and as he does he takes off the shirt he is wearing. You know he will not strip completely as the Winter Soldier never likes to be vulnerable; to be naked is to be vulnerable. You can see his erection straining against his trousers.

He is straddling your legs, pinning them open. You cannot move. He runs his hand over your belly and down into your thatch of hair. You close your eyes.

"Look at me," he growls.

You don't. You don't want to.

"I said…look...at...me." There is such menace in that voice. You open your eyes and start to cry.

His hand continues to move downwards. His fingers trace around the star branded into the top of your inside thigh, and then across to your most private parts.

"Perhaps not so ready." You feel his fingers exploring and then he holds his hand up and rubs his fingers together.

"Not wet enough," he says, and watches as your eyes widen.

He brings his metal hand forward and you shake your head to say no, try to beg but he watches your face as you feel the cold metal trace the path of his other hand. You feel the hardness of the fingers exploring and then plunging into you.

He closes his eyes. He can feel everything with that hand. He has wanted to do this for a long time.

He pushes his fingers in deeper and you feel the coldness inside of you. There is no warmth, just pressure and pain. You try to move but he has you pinned down. He opens his eyes to watch you, and then leans forward and as he does he pushes his hand into you.

The pain is excruciating. You feel like he is tearing you open. You can't breathe; you think you are going to be sick into the gag. Your body tries to arch up and away. You shake your head desperately but his concentration is fully focused on what he is feeling.

You feel his fingers exploring, rubbing, hurting you. You feel your skin splitting. A heat spreads across the inside of your lower belly. He pulls his hand out slowly, and as he does you feel part of the metal snag on your delicate flesh. He doesn't notice, he is too lost in wanting to be inside you, taking you, making you his.

He moves, takes out his knife and puts it on the bedside table then unzipping and pulling down the material of his trousers and shorts so he can release himself. You close your eyes and feel his erection between your legs and then he is pushing into you. It hurts; you can feel flesh tearing inside you.

You hear him groan.

"Oh yes, you liked that, you're wet now aren't you, ready for me." The pressure on your legs diminishes as he leans forward and his body cover yours.

He is deep inside you and all you can feel is pain. You know something is desperately wrong, but you can't speak. You moan but he mistakes it for passion which just drives him on further. He sets a rhythm and his face shows how much he is enjoying being with you again, being inside you.

He groans and there is sheen of sweat on his brow. He moves again and you look up into those mad, cruel eyes.

" _ _You__ let them put me in that room, __you__ let them put me in that jacket, that wasn't very nice, not nice at all...you think I've finished with you?" he asks, enjoying the fear in your eyes as you see he has picked up the knife in his left hand. "I was once in a place where, when I wouldn't do what they wanted, do you know what they used to do to me?" he asks.

You can feel his hardness deep in you, pulsing, and you see he is holding himself to stop himself from coming too early. His breath hitches and for a moment he closes his eyes and his hand clenches the knife hard. Then he breathes out and looks at you again.

"They would place a knife blade between two of my ribs and then twist," he is talking again. Your eyes are so wide, so full of fear and pain, he loves to see your pain, it fills him, it makes you his.

You feel his fingers skirt over your rib cage on your right hand side and you can see he is counting, then he pushes down with his fingers.

"Have to get this right. I don't want to cut anything I shouldn't, don't want to end the fun to soon." Then he studies you as he presses the knife blade between two of your ribs. It feels like you have been punched, the pain shoots through your torso and you try to arch up again but he is too heavy.

You hear him whisper: "Hurts, doesn't it?"

He is moving inside you again, building to his orgasm, and then just when you thought he couldn't hurt you any more, he turns the blade and pushes the two ribs apart.

Even allowing for his weight, your whole body bucks. The pain strikes through you; you scream but the gag stops any sound and he pushes himself in as deep as he can and floods you with his semen, the liquid warm and deep inside you. You feel him shuddering.

He grabs your chin and turns your face so he can watch you. The knife twists again and you are weeping, you have wet yourself, the pain is engulfing you and through it all you can feel him, deep inside you, deep inside your soul. The man you love cannot be in this monster: he cannot be here, he would not let this happen to you, he would not, __could not__ , do this to you.

"Look at me," you hear, your ears are buzzing, the pain in your side burning, and you do not know what is worse: that or the pain between your legs.

"Look at me," he slaps you and you open your eyes, tears blurring your vision. He grabs you by the hair and pulls your face up. His eyes are pure madness. He searches your face and then bends and pulls the gag down and kisses you hard, splitting your bitten lip, tasting your blood, his tongue laying claim to yours.

He finally lets you go and pulls the gag back up and it starts to absorb your blood.

Then he is quiet, breathing deep as he moves away and out of you to sit up, pinning your legs again. You hear him zip himself up. He leans forward, studying you: he wants to see every part of what he has done to you, those eyes are draining you. He reaches out and tips your head up slightly. The knife is gripped in his hand and he moves it to your throat.

 _ _Kill her, that is you mission. Do it now!__ The voice in his head instructs him. _ _Slit her throat. Make it final.__

 _ _He puts the blade to her neck and digs it in. He can see she feels the sting of the metal as it slices her skin but he doesn't go any further. Her eyes are wide and petrified, watching him.__

 _ _I can't do it. I can't do it. Why? I just need to pull the blade across. I just need to finish her.__

 _ _Slowly he takes the blade away, anger flashing in his eyes, and then she realises there are tears there to.__

" _ _What have you done to me?" he asks her. "Why can't I kill you?"__

 _ _He sits back and lets the knife fall. He has failed his mission. He cannot do it, he cannot kill her.__

You watch the bloody knife fall to the floor.

You can hear loud thuds, voices shouting, but all your focus is on him, on what he has done to you. His body and mind are still holding you hostage, they have torn you apart.

There is a loud bang, shouting. Suddenly he is being dragged off of you.

He is shouting – no, __screaming__ madly. There are other voices yelling, telling him to stand down, and Jakobs and Stefan desperately try to untie your arms, removing the gag from your mouth.

The guards are trying to get the Winter Soldier out of the room but he is fighting them. Jakobs swings around angrily.

"Get that psychopath out of here __now__!"

"God so much blood," you hear someone say but there is something wrong with you. You want to sit up, you want to cover yourself but you can't. You can't move. Your arms and legs won't do what you tell them to. The bed clothes between your legs and under you feel wet and sticky.

"We need to get her on the table now."

"Don't move, Freya," someone tells you, holding you down.

You hear the Winter Soldier's screams. "Get away from her, she's mine. Touch her and you're dead...she's mine, she's my mission, she's __mine!__ "

"You sick bastard, what did you do?" Marinov growls at him, trying to hold him, trying to get him down to his knees but he can't. The Winter Soldier is furious, spitting.

You want to talk, to ask what it was he just said. He said you were his __mission -__ what does he mean? Then another bout of pain slices through you and you want to beg them to take away the agony, but your mouth is dry and your brain cannot form the words.

Everything is going crazy around you. You are barely conscious. There is pain everywhere and you try to curl in on yourself. Stefan is at your side, telling you everything is going to be all right, telling you that you are safe now.

 _ _He is lying.__

"Don't you understand what you have done? She won't survive this! You've killed her!" Jakobs shouts at the Winter Soldier.

"I haven't. I didn't cut her throat. I didn't complete my mission. You think I don't know that she will heal. I can do what I like to her, she...belongs...to me." he spits out. His words are disjointed.

"What? Are you that stupid? She isn't the same as you! She's just an ordinary woman! There is nothing special about her! She is going to __die__ , you fool...you bloody __madman__."

Suddenly everything is quiet. He stops fighting them, and you hear his voice.

"No..." it wavers, and then he roars: "No!"

All hell breaks loose as he goes wild and almost breaks free but he still manages to grab Jakobs by his jacket. The guards try to prise his fingers away.

"Then make her special. __Make her special__...if she dies I will kill all of you, all of you. I will destroy you. I will take you apart. I will destroy __everything__." He is screaming now.

He has lost his mind.

One of the guards is so frightened he brings the butt of his rifle down hard on the back of the Winter Soldier's head twice, and finally he goes down.

The last thing you hear is one of the other doctors.

"Christ what a mess, what a fucking __mess__."

You don't think he means just you.

 **...**

Hours later Jakobs is called in to see Lehmann for a progress report. The Winter Soldier is back in the padded room, back in his straight jacket, but they know he is of no danger to them. He is catatonic, lying on his side on the cot.

Jakobs sits down opposite Lehmann, the strain of the night showing on his face, his pallor grey. He has not told Lehmann what he has done. He has told no one but Stefan. Now he knows he will have to own up to it, and Lehmann will be furious. Even with what he has done he doesn't know if she will live.

"She is alive for now...but I don't know if she will make it," he says, dry washing his face with his hand.

Lehmann sits back in his chair, pencil between his fingers, twirling it around and around.

"So he _ _tried__ to kill her."

Jakobs is too tired to notice it is a statement and not a question. "No...no I don't think so."

At this Lehmann frowns and sits forward.

"I understand he tore her apart. He tried to kill her and has more or less succeeded."

"No...we think..." Jakobs stops and looks at Lehmann - __really__ looks at him - and realisation dawns in his mind.

There is a moments quiet and then Jakobs also leans forward, anger flashing in his eyes, his mouth grim. "What did you do?" He remembers what the Winter Soldier had said. It had not made sense at the time.

 _ _I didn't cut her throat. I didn't complete my mission.__

Lehmann smiles one of his enigmatic smiles and leans back.

"I don't know what you mean," he says.

"You did something."

"Well, I think that's it for now. Let me know when things...change." __When she dies,__ Jakobs translates. Well, that won't happen if he can help it.

"I've given her two doses of the serum." Jakobs says quietly.

That wipes the smile off of Lehmann's face.

"You did what?!" he asks, his voice dangerously quiet.

"It won't do anything but help her heal. She needs a fighting chance."

"You used the formula without asking me..." Lehmann is angry now.

"Yes, I did. And what did __you__ do without asking us?" Jakobs challenges him.

"I am Director now, you forget that. I can do what I feel is necessary and I don't need to ask your permission, or anyone else's..."

"You still have to answer to Armin. Perhaps I should ask him to intervene?" Jakobs snarls and then tries to calm himself, realising anger will not help. Both men are quiet for a moment. "Look, it's been a long night...please just tell me. What did you do?"

Jakobs feels exhausted. This project has got so out of hand that it is unbelievable. How did he ever think he was going to make the world a better place? How did he get drawn into all this?

Lehmann watches him. He knows he still needs the help of the doctors on this project. He is also vain. Lehmann is like all people who want power: when they think they have done something clever they like to have someone to boast to.

" _ _What did you do?__ " Jakobs asks again quietly.

"I made her his mission," Lehmann says.

Jakobs closes his eyes, not wanting to believe what he has just heard. He opens them and looks at Lehmann but doesn't say anything.

After a moments' silence Lehmann starts talking, taking pleasure in his ingenious plan. He doesn't tell Jakobs about the visit in the night he had when the Winter Soldier had outlined what he wanted. He doesn't tell him how he carries the scar the Winter Soldier gave him that fateful night, telling him what would happen if he refused him.

The Winter Soldier wanted her, always and forever more. If he could be made to destroy the one thing he wants more than anything in the world, then what else would he be capable of?

"After the last mission and wipe I wanted to see if it was possible to programme the Winter Soldier before putting him into cryo-freeze, and so we did. I made the Constant..." he never calls her by her name. "...his next mission, so that when he woke up he would kill her."

"But for God's sake...why?" Jakobs asks.

"Because he is dependant on her, that's why. We should never had agreed to Zola's idea of a Constant, it makes him weak. I have to admit though, I thought he would just shoot her or use a knife and cut her throat."

Jakobs cannot believe what he is hearing. He is struggling to keep his anger in check. He knew Lehmann disliked Freya but she had worked by his side all these years, done everything expected of her. For Lehmann to be so cold...it beggars belief.

"But then we would have no Constant," he says.

"If he killed her then we could do anything with his mind, programme him to believe anything. We can find another woman, one who doesn't... _ _care__ so much for him, one whose loyalty is to Hydra not to... _ _Barnes__."

Jakobs cannot believe the man is so blind.

"She is his Constant. She has been there from the moment he was lost. You cannot just __replace__ her with anyone. You programmed him to kill her and he couldn't do it. __He could not kill her__. He believed she is the same as him, that she had the serum inside her, that she will heal. You should have seen him, should have heard him when he found out she was like the rest of us. He went mad, threatened to destroy us all, threatened to hunt our families down. He was raving in pure and utter madness."

He can see he has not gotten through to Lehmann. "It sounds to me like he tried to kill her. You said he tore her apart."

"Because he thought she __couldn't die!"__ Jakobs breathes in deeply pinching the skin between his eyes and then looking back at Lehmann. "All you've done is split his personality again. He couldn't do what you programmed. You've gone __backwards__ , that is __all__ you have done."

Lehmann just looks at him. Jakobs sighs.

"You will never understand, will you? She gives him something to focus on, something to carry on for: she is his and his alone. Everyone needs someone...even the Winter Soldier," he says quietly.

This argument isn't the first one between them on the subject of the Constant, and Jakobs doubts it will the last - unless she dies.

Lehmann has not finished trying to get his point across. "Think man, think. If he had killed her it means he would do anything...literally anything we instruct him to do." Lehmann's eyes glitter and Jakobs sees the pure greed for power in them.

"But he didn't do it, did he?"

"Well, that is a matter of opinion..."

"No you don't understand..." Jakobs sits forward again. "All you did was split his mind again. He couldn't do it. You pushed him too far, the programming didn't take."

"Of course it did, he..." Lehmann frowns as his mind works on what Jakobs has said but Jakobs has not finished.

"Every time we bring him out of cryo freeze he remembers her. Not a great deal but he knows her, like a forgotten memory. She calms him. Every time you programme him he treats her like a stranger but his memories of her __always__ start surfacing, always. She is ingrained into him, into his psyche." He talks as his thoughts are coming to him, trying to get through to Lehmann. "He couldn't do it...he couldn't kill her. Couldn't cope with the thought of killing her so he brings back the most violent part of his psyche because he is trying to fulfil his programming, to fulfil his mission. This is the only part of him that he can't control, but that part of him didn't realise she wasn't the same as him. In some messed up way, he thought she is part of Zola's plan and so anything he did to her she would survive. Only now...now he knows she isn't...he knows she can die and his mind has just given way."

Up to now the Winter Soldier has been used for assassinations, but Lehmann has always planned bigger. What if they created an army of programmed soldiers who would do anything? Would go into battle and decimate everyone, the enemy, civilians, everyone who opposed them?

How much power would that give Hydra?

How much power would that give __him__?

But Lehmann is a scientist foremost and what Jakobs is saying begins to make sense even to him and he gets a terrible sinking feeling in his stomach. He was so sure about this plan. It would have shown they could programme him at any time, with any command, and it would get rid of his problem of the Constant.

"Anyone that deep in his psyche, he can't kill. At the end of the day you forget, he __is__ human." Jakobs finishes. If Lehmann can't see it now he never will.

"Then it's lucky she's the only one," Lehmann says quietly to himself, not knowing he is wrong.

 _ _He is very wrong.__

 _ _There are two people to ever get that deep into the psyche of the man they know as the Winter Soldier. One is his Constant...and the other is someone that meant so much to James Barnes that he will always be a part of him no matter what. The Winter Soldier does not remember him now, but one day he will.__

 _ _One day the memories will fight back and win...but that day is a long way off.__

Jakobs asks him a question which shakes him out of his reverie. He frowns to indicate he didn't hear what the question was.

"I asked why? Why do you hate her so much? I don't understand. She's just a nurse. She does everything she is told. Her only crime is that she cares about him."

Lehmann looks at him.

"It is not her I hate; it's what she represents. What she stands for. __Love__." And he makes a disparaging noise. "Love is a weakness not to be tolerated. There are bleeding hearts like her's all over the world, they __care__ for people, they __care__ for peace but what has that ever got them? I tell you what. Nothing! A big fat zero. She __loves__ Barnes..." And here he laughs bitterly. "You think that will get her anywhere? You think it will give her anything? No, she is an idiot like the rest of them out there. They can't even look after themselves, they have no direction. And her type are the worst."

"And you have direction? You have what you really want?" Jakobs asks, but he sees the light of madness in Lehmanns eyes...no, not madness: pure and utter greed.

"When this world is ours we will have everything and they will have nothing, nothing! They will be like cattle - there to feed and clothe us. She loves Barnes and do you know who Barnes is? Who he actually _ _is__? He is a soldier who fought against us. His so called, best friend...his lover... _ _Captain America,__ killed our leader, killed Johann Schmidt, the one person who mattered, the one person who had vision. He had such a dream, such plans, and Rogers killed that. I only wish Rogers was still alive to see what I have turned his __lover__ into. To see how Barnes will avenge Schmidt's murder on the whole world. If you think I will let a two bit whore destroy my plans then you are mistaken."

Jakobs sits there for a moment stunned. He doesn't know what to say. The passion coming out in Lehmann's voice is disturbing.

"She is not a whore," he says weakly. "She is just a woman who loves a man."

Lehmanns sneers.

"Are you sure about that? She's weak. Her weakness is a disease. Be sure, Eric, that you are not succumbing to that weakness yourself."

Jakobs does not trust himself to reply. He looks at the floor, his mind working.

"And Eric..." Lehmann says and Jakobs looks at him. There is a cold look on Lehmann's face and he leans forward.

"This is the second time you have crossed me. There will __not__ be a third. Do I make myself clear?"

Jakobs nods and stands. He is too tired to argue any more, so tired his whole body and mind aches to sleep. He will call in and check on Freya and then go to his room. Stefan will stay by her side and call him if anything happens.

At the door he turns back to Lehmann.

"You had better start praying that she lives because if she doesn't, Project Winter Soldier will crash and burn around you and then where will you be in the Hydra food chain? Where will you be in your new and marvellous world?"

Then he opens the door and leaves closing the door quietly behind him.

 **...**

After a long two days, Jakobs believe they have turned a corner. With the help of the serum Freya is healing, but she has not regained consciousness. Whilst the serum in her body is just enough to help in the repairing, it is not enough to help her over the obstacles it actually causes. Her body burns at such a heat they have to keep sacks of ice on hand to apply to prevent her mind from burning up.

The Winter Soldier is awake but unresponsive. They have tried to get him to talk, tried to figure out what is going on in his mind, but he does not reply. He is still in a straight jacket; they do not know which personality is in control. They have attached him to a drip to keep his body hydrated. He simply lies still on the cot.

After making the usual checks one of the guards is just leaving the room when he hears the Winter Soldier mutter something. He turns and walks back over, keeping his hand on his side arm even though there cannot be any danger.

The Winter Soldier looks up, the first time he has made any sign of movement.

"Jakobs. I want to speak to Jakobs," he says. His voice rusty, his Russian near-perfect. The language is second nature to him now.

The Winter Soldier looks away and the guard leaves. He picks up one of the phones in the corridor and phones Lehmann. After a short discussion he is told to fetch Jakobs to the Winter Soldier's room.

Once there, the Winter Soldier actually reacts and with difficulty swings around to sit up on the bed. Jakobs helps him by releasing the jacket's straps, making it easier for the Winter Soldier to move. Jakobs helps him knowing somehow he is of no danger to him. The Winter Soldier wants him there for a reason.

"How is she?" The Winter Soldier asks Jakobs.

Jakobs studies him. The man looks awful: hollow stubbled cheeks, black bags under bloodshot eyes, cracked lips. Before putting him in the jacket they disconnected his arm from its power source, it is dead and Jakobs can see that the weight of the metal is making the him lean to the side. He can see the pain the weight is causing him in his face. A normal human being would not be able to carry that weight, yet alone support it.

He cannot work out which personality he is talking to.

"She will live," he says and, entirely without wanting it, pity wells up inside him for this broken soldier.

There is silence for a short while.

"I want to see her," he says quietly.

"That's not possible."

"So she is dead and you're keeping it from me."

"No, but she isn't out of the woods yet. She is unconscious."

Silence.

"You have to understand you hurt her badly. She isn't like you. She isn't part of the programme, and so she can be wounded just like any other human being...but she will survive this." Jakobs feels he needs to give him something to focus on.

Silence.

Jakobs thinks he has finished talking and he gets up.

"Let me see her...please." The last word is spoken with such anguish.

Jakobs walks to the door.

" _ _Please__."

This time the word stops him in his tracks. He can't ignore it. He knows how much this man means to Freya, and deep down he thinks he knows how much she means to him. This is the part of Jakobs that sets him apart from Lehmann, this is the part of him that makes him still human.

He goes back to the man and crouches down so he can look him in the eyes.

"If I take you to see her you will not try and hurt her. If you do, I will get them to shoot you through the head. Is that understood?"

The Winter Soldier's eyes are deep and black.

"You will keep the jacket on and there will be an armed guard with us all the time. I will not allow you into her room. You can see from the doorway...understood?"

"I want to touch her...to know that she's alive."

"Do you remember what it was that you did to her? __Do you__? You violated her using your metal hand, you tore her up inside...you jammed a knife into her ribs and forced them apart...you raped her. And you want me to let you near her?!" Jakobs looks down. It is no good getting angry with this soldier, he was trying to do what Lehmann programmed him to do in the only way he knew how.

They are both silent for a moment.

"I will not harm her." The Winter Soldier says quietly, and Jakobs looks up. "I have never lied to you."

Jakobs can see now is talking to the violent one. He can see it in the way his face looks, his eyes so deep and black and that cruelness which shows even now.

"And afterwards, you wipe me...wipe me and put me back to sleep. I don't want to feel like this...I don't want to hurt her again," he finishes, and Jakobs knows he can believe him. He is telling the truth.

He has let Jakobs see him. The real him. He is being as honest as he can, and despite the madness in those eyes he can see a depth of sadness he wouldn't of thought this personality could feel. He had seen it once before, when he told him after the attack that Freya was human and was going to die.

He has promised to report to Lehmann and he does, arguing that they must let him see her. Lehmann gives in and agrees and then afterwards they will wipe him. The wipe will be a full one, will banish this personality back to where it came from.

Two guards walk either side of them, and two guards are stationed outside Freya's hospital room, and two guards inside. Stefan will not leave her side.

They have removed the Winter Soldier's straight jacket after all, Jakobs orders. They also allow him into the room. Jakobs believes he will not hurt her.

The soldier looks down at the damage he has wrought and inside his heart breaks into pieces, but he says nothing. This personality knows once they wipe him then the Winter Soldier will not remember any of this. His heart will mend. His world will become normal again.

He reaches out and Jakobs shakes his head as Stefan steps forward. The Winter Soldier gently strokes her hair and her cheek then pulls his hand away.

He nods to Jakobs.

"Now wipe me. Make me forget." he says.

 **...**

In his office, Lehmann finishes his personal statement and adds it to the file.

 ** **TOP SECRET****

To all future Directors

Subject: The Constant

It is highly recommended that in no way do you ever try and separate the Winter Soldier from the Constant. Regrettably, it appears she is the one thing that keeps him stabilised and focused. Without her the subject becomes unstable, violent and non-programmable and will need to be put down with extreme prejudice.

If there are any future projects such as this I would recommend from the start finding an alternative method to using a Constant as this leaves a trace of human feeling in the subject which should not be allowed to exist.

 _ _Director Nikolay Lehmann__

Project Winter Soldier

The problem with people like Lehmann is that they are ever-resourceful, forever looking at ways of controlling people. He already uses the Constant to achieve what he wants. He knows he does not need to programme the Winter Soldier to love her: he does so already, it is ingrained and Lehmann will continue to use this to his advantage.

As Jakobs reminded him they know that the programming does not last indefinitely, there is never a specific time frame before his memories start to try to break through, before feelings begin to surface.

They need the Winter Soldier's anger, his drive, even his paranoia. It helps fulfil the missions they send him on.

As part of the programme they always programme him to think the Constant is no one to him, a whore they have hired to look after his needs. When his memories of her start to surface they know the programming is beginning to break down.

They will know exactly when to wipe him.

Everyone has their uses. Even Freya.

 **...**

When Freya awakens, Jakobs is there. His smile is one of such relief she realises this man is her friend, realises they are beginning to mean something to one another. She feels like she has been hammered into the ground, and he tells her to sleep.

When she wakes the next time, her head is clearer. He helps her drink. He is honest with her, tells her what he has had to do to save her life, but explains that it will just help her healing process in the future. There is nowhere near enough of Zola's serum inside her to even begin to cause her the problems the Winter Soldier has.

Her first question is about the Winter Soldier. Where was he? How is he? Was he hurt?

Jakobs tells her the truth. He has been wiped and put back into cryo. It will not happen again.

"It wasn't his fault," he says.

"Was it mine?" she asks, closing her eyes, but Jakobs touches her and she opens her eyes to find him looking at her.

"No. __Neither__ of you is to blame. It's this place. It's Hydra and Lehmann. Don't ever think it is you or...James. It was something to do with his programming but as I said it won't happen again," he says.

And she tries to smile but instead bursts into tears and Jakobs reaches out, takes her into his arms and holds her as she weeps.

She is so tired, so bruised, she doesn't know how she is going to cope. How will she ever trust the Winter Soldier? She feels they have taken James away from her all over again. She remembers how he changes the longer he is out of cryo, how he begins to remember her when the programming begins to wane, the last time when he told her she was his woman and it makes her cry harder.

"James," she cries quietly.

Jakobs cannot promise her things will get better. Cannot promise her anything so he rocks her back and forwards and holds her whilst she weeps so she knows she isn't alone.


	37. Chapter 37 - The Decision

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Thirty-Seven: Hydra - Lehmann and Jakobs - The Decision****

Doctor Eric Jakobs watches himself fix his bow tie in the mirror. He looks at himself. There is grey in his hair, he has missed a spot shaving, and his suit has seen better days...he has seen better days. He is getting old.

He looks down at the photograph on the sideboard; it shows a youngish woman and two children sat on a picnic blanket, their smiles wide and laughing. It is the only photograph he has left of his family.

He remembers the day it was taken so well. It had been his son's thirteenth birthday and they had driven out to the country to celebrate. They had bought him a kite. Not just any kite, but one so colourful that when they saw it flying it looked like a beautiful, mysterious insect. His daughter, who had been eleven, had run along beside him laughing.

He can see that picture so vividly in his mind.

His wife had called to them; she had laid out a blanket and they had eaten sandwiches, pickles, and birthday cake. The children drank fruit juice; him and his wife, wine. The sun was warm but comfortable. Afterwards he sat with her whilst they watched their children playing. They were so blessed, everything was right with the world.

His son had not lived to fourteen, and all of his family were now buried but not forgotten. He would never forget them.

His eyes smart and he looks away, finishes dressing. He has a meeting with Director Lehmann – well, not just him personally; they __all__ have a meeting. It is to do with the new facility.

He meets Stefan on the way and when they take a seat they realise that Marinov has been invited too. That is good news: clearly, he is to go with them.

Lehmann enters with Jocelyn. She sits herself in the corner to take the minutes. Everyone but Jakobs was surprised when he had appointed her his secretary, but Jakobs knew that Lehmann had intended to replace Freya with her. After the failed 'mission', that idea had been scrapped and she had remained as his secretary instead. To give her her due, she seemed to be settling into the role well.

Marinov catches Jakobs eye and nods to acknowledge him.

There were fifteen of them around the table: heads of departments and their assistants; all the people who would follow Lehmann to the new complex, their teams to follow. In the middle of the conference table was a mock up of the new camp. It was impressive.

Half an hour later a full detailed account has been given of the new facility, and it is frightening. Project Winter Soldier is just a small part of it. The camp is being set up to train and run STRIKE Units. They will be sold to governments as anti-terrorist teams; STRIKE meaning 'Special Tactical Reserves for International Key Emergencies'. But all the personnel will be loyal to Hydra. These teams will infiltrate and work with foreign governments so that one day Hydra will truly be everywhere, and when that day comes they will rise up and destroy anyone who stands against them.

 _ _Lehmann is an excellent liar and an actor.__

 _ _What most of the people sat around the table with him do not know is that they will never get to the new facility. He will be replacing them all.__

 _ _They will never leave this complex.__

 _ _When he begins his new regime he wants loyal subjects around him, not docile servants. He also does not want a record of his part in making the Winter Soldier; oh, he doesn't mind the glory but some of what he did will look troubling and he will not have that stain on his record. He will re-create the history of the project and those who know the truth will not be there to correct it.__

 _ _They will all be dead.__

 _ _He does not want to create panic, or suspicion, and so he plays this elaborate game; tells them what he thinks they want to hear. That they have a future with him at the new compound where their important work will continue.__

 _ _Oh if only he could tell them the truth, see the smug smiles wiped from their faces.__

 _ _Lehmann has just called for coffee to be served and is explaining that they are going to set up a specific unit which will work with the Winter Soldier on missions when he feels himself getting uncomfortably warm. The room is suddenly too stuffy.__

 _ _He takes it that he is just feeling the excitement of the new future, but he is glad when they break for drinks and he sits at the head of the table, gathering his papers for the next half of the meeting.__

 _ _His left arm feels heavy, and tingles, and he is having trouble seeing. He tries to reach for his cup but misses. He feels a tightness across his chest, a burning, and it annoys him. For the last few days he has been experiencing heartburn and he fumbles in his jacket pocket for some tablets. He tries to swallow some with his coffee and feels the pain move up into his jaw which irritates him more. By now he has started to sweat heavily and he is becoming aware that people around him are going quiet. He realises they are looking at him. No - not just at him but at his hand which is holding the coffee. It is shaking so badly that the coffee is sloshing over the top and onto the table.__

 _ _He drops the cup and groans as pain flashes across his chest. He tries to stand. Everything seems to be in slow motion. He sees peoples' hands go to their mouths; sees the orderly Stefan react, moving forward towards him. His chair falls backwards and then next thing he knows he is on the ground but he does not feel himself fall. Jakobs is suddenly there, beside him, he is trying to release Lehmann's tie and that is when Lehmann realises he can't breathe properly. His face is red, his chest feels as if it has a great weight on it, he cannot hear properly and slowly he sinks into darkness.__

"For Gods' sake clear the room and get some oxygen," Jakobs calls out to the startled people as he turns to Stefan. "He's having a heart attack."

Marinov begins to herd people from the room as Stefan fetches a canister of oxygen, he has sent someone else to get a stretcher so they can move Lehmann to one of the hospital rooms. Jakobs works on Lehmann, blowing into his mouth, pumping his chest to get him breathing. By the time Stefan is back and they have put on the mask to feed him oxygen Lehmann is breathing again on his own but he is still unconscious.

They get him moved to the Winter Soldier's medical room and place him on the monitors. Some of the doctors who were not at the meeting come in to see what is happening, to see if it is true; but they are mainly scientists and leave Doctor Jakobs as the decision-maker.

When Jakobs returns to his room later, he feels exhausted. He lies on his bed and looks at the ceiling. He has done all he can and he believes Lehmann will survive; this has just been a warning of sorts. But in the back of his mind is another message.

What if Lehmann was not to survive?

There is a knock on his door and he calls for the person to come in. It is Eduard Marinov.

"The others are wondering if they should wake Freya so she can help nurse Lehmann," he says and then can't help but smile. If the question were put to Lehmann himself, he would be horrified. He would not want her anywhere near him.

"It would be worth it just to see his face when he awakens but, no, I don't think so. We have Stefan and can always request Kristo's help again."

"So he will survive?"

Jakobs nods.

The two men are quiet until Marinov asks the question in both their minds.

"Do we want him to?"

Jakobs looks at him. He trusts this man. "I'll be honest Eduard, I had the same thought but I guess you knew that. I don't know what the right thing to do is. He will survive, it was just an early warning...but..."

He does know what he believes to be the right thing to do. Surely the moment he heard himself lying and telling the other doctors that he did not think Lehmann would live, he had already been laying plans? Even then? Subconsciously.

"I'll leave you to get some sleep. I'll call if meantime he wakes."

Jakobs nods, knowing that it will be hours before the final decision has to be made. He injected Lehmann with a powerful sedative to keep him out of it.

To give them time to think.

 **...**

Hours later, Jakobs finds Stefan in the Cryo Suite, looking through the window at the two pods. Both Freya and the Winter Soldier are in cryo sleep. Their vital signs stable.

They talk long into the night. They discuss the pros and cons. What do they do? If Lehmann dies, what will happen to the project? They know it will not be closed down...but is it better the devil they know?

Jakobs is aware of the thoughts behind Lehmann's plans for Hydra's world domination, and he knows how dangerous the man is. How much more dangerous will it be for the world if he climbs higher in the chain of command? Lehmann has no qualms in killing millions of people whom he deems not fit to live.

He, of course, has no idea of Lehmann's plans to kill most of those that have worked with him.

If Jakobs were to kill Lehmann then how many lives would he be saving? Or would it all be for nothing? How can he answer such a question? The thoughts go around and around in his mind.

"I will do it." Stefan says. "I am already condemned to hell for killing a man. Another one will not make a difference."

"And you think I am going to heaven?" Jakobs laughs, but it is not at all humorous. He already knows he will not be joining his beloved family. He looks at the young man and shakes his head. "Thank you, but no, this is down to me...I just wish I knew Stefan, am I right or wrong? Which way do I jump?"

Both Marinov and Stefan agree with Jakob's verdict and have told him so.

Really, there is no right or wrong. There is only what they must do.

Marinov will help and he knows he can count on several of his guards to keep quiet about what is happening. It is they who are keeping watch outside of Lehmann's medical room. Whilst Kristo has been helping by covering their shifts he will not assist them; they would never ask it of him, because they know he could not do it, could not cope. He is not strong enough in mind for some of the things he has already witnessed, but they do know they can trust him, he will not give them away. He has never truly gotten over what was done to the American soldier James Barnes. He has terrible nightmares; whilst he doesn't speak about it at all, he is no longer the carefree young man that he was.

Are any of them?

Jakobs finds himself sat next to Lehmann's bedside. He knows any time now he will wake. He will have some nerve damage, but nothing that physiotherapy cannot put right. He is thinking back on all the arguments they have had about humanity; they both look at it from different ends of the spectrum.

Lehmann's voice rings in his ears.

" _ _When this word is ours we will have everything and they will have nothing, nothing! They will be like cattle - there to feed and clothe us."__

His voice had been brittle, uncaring, vicious. Can he let this happen? Can he let this man survive? He tries to tell himself he is no killer, but Jakobs' soul tells him differently. He is an abuser; he has already done damage to the world he can never put right and it breaks his heart.

Lehmann is stirring just as Stefan comes into the room. He closes the door quietly, and moves to stand at the other side of the bed.

 _ _Lehmann's eyes open. His vision is blurry and he feels exhausted. He is aware of Jakobs looking down at him and he feels annoyed because he doesn't remember what has happened. They were in a meeting and he had spilled his coffee and then as memory floods back he realises.__

" _ _Eric?" he says holding up his hand, it is trembling. His speech is slurred.__

 _ _Jakobs takes his hand and lays it back down on the cover.__

" _ _You've had a minor heart attack."__

 _ _Lehmann turns his head and sees Stefan. "Water. I need a drink." He is abrupt as always. He has never much liked the orderly, but Stefan does what he is told and even helps Lehmann to drink, some of it going down the front of Lehmann's top. Stefan places the glass back on the bedside table and Lehmann feels as if he has climbed Mount Everest and now needs to rest. It makes him crotchety. He dislikes weakness in anyone, especially himself.__

" _ _What is happening? I need to get back to work," he says, but cannot make his legs move. He can just about form the sentence in his mind but is aware that his tongue feels too big for his mouth and the words are blurred.__

 _ _Jakobs makes no effort to help him sit up.__

" _ _Help me up for Gods' sake, Jakobs," he is querulous, like an old man. Part of his face sags and Jakobs can see there is maybe more damage there than he first thought.__

 _ _Instead, he sits on the edge of the bed. His eyes have a pitying look in them which Lehmann hates.__

" _ _I was not at the final operation on James Barnes," Jakobs says to him and he frowns.__

 _ _What has that got to do with anything?__

" _ _What?"__

" _ _But I know people who were. People who have nightmares about what you did. About what they heard you say to him."__

" _ _What the hell are you blathering on about?" Lehmann looks at Stefan. "You...help me get up, get him out of here..." But Stefan does not move and Lehmann cannot find the strength to make any attempt to sit up on his own. He falls back, breathless.__

" _ _You told Sergeant Barnes there was no need to remove the rest of his arm but you were still going to because it was of no use to you. In a way, it mirrors this moment. As I said you have had a minor heart attack and would get better but...we do not want you to. Because, to be honest Nikolay, you are of no use to the world. Well,__ use _ _is probably the wrong word - you are of no__ good _ _to this world," Jakobs' voice has a sadness to it.__

 _ _Nikolay Lehmann feels the first clutch of fear. He looks to the door but it is shut. He tries to call for the guard, but his voice does not carry far enough, there is just no strength in it – in him.__

" _ _I'll have you killed for this!" He is indignant, trying to put authority in his voice but it is no good, his words have no power in them, saliva dribbles from the side of his mouth and he tries to wipe it away with the sleeve of his top. He watches as Jakobs stands and picks up a pillow.__

" _ _Later tonight I will announce your death to the others. They will not be surprised as I have already told them you are close to death. I believe they are already squabbling over who is to move into your office."__

 _ _Lehmann watches, eyes wide, as Jakobs nods to Stefan. He again tries to call out, tries to move, but he cannot, he is just too weak.__

" _ _Maybe now you will understand how Sergeant Barnes felt when you cut into him on that operating table," Stefan says quietly. He leans over the bed and holds both of Lehmann's arms down.__

" _ _I am truly sorry, Nikolay, but this is what you have driven mankind to become."__

 _ _And with that, Jakobs lowers the pillow over Lehmann's face and presses down hard. Even though he is weak the need to survive takes over and the man thrashes about in the bed. They hear his muffled screaming. Stefan finds it hard to hold him down, but he must.__

 _ _They__ cannot _ _allow him to live.__

It takes longer than either man could have dreamt. Neither are killers and this stain will never leave their souls, but they believe they are doing the right thing. Project Winter Soldier will continue, of that they have no doubt; but they cannot allow Lehmann's madness out into the world. Hydra is bad enough on its own...but with people like Lehmann at the top, it would become truly horrific.

Once Nikolay has stopped moving, Jakobs takes the pillow away and reaches down and closes the dead bloodshot eyes staring back at him in bleak terror. Stefan cannot look. He goes to the door and opens it, and after conversing with Marinov two guards come into the room to witness that Lehmann is dead.

Jakobs is sat on the edge of the bed, Lehmann's wrist in his hand as if looking for a pulse. Eduard walks up to him.

"It is done?" he asks quietly, and Jakobs nods.

"God help us," Jakobs says, and stands to allow Stefan to bring one of the sheets up and over Lehmann's face. Eduard places a hand on Eric's Jakob's shoulder but does not need to say anything.

They are in this together.

They hear Stefan say a quiet prayer but unknown to the others it is actually for Eric's soul, and not for Nikolay's, for he genuinely believes that Nikolay Lehmann had no soul and right this moment the shade of the man will be facing his maker...not God, but his true maker. The Devil.

The guards are told not to let anyone into the room and the door is closed. Jakobs goes to tell the others of the sad news.

The heart attack had just been too much for Nikolay Lehmann and he had never regained consciousness.

 _ _They do not know at this point that they may have made matters worse.__

 _ _Not for them, but for the Winter Soldier.__


	38. Chapter 38 - Why Do We Do This To Him?

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Thirty-Eight: The Constant & The Winter Soldier - Why Do We Do This To Him?****

 **1 Month Ago**

The Winter Soldier is stood in the Main Room and they are putting his battle gear on. They do not even allow him to prepare with you in his quarters; once they have brought him around they begin to dress him ready for his mission. There are so many people pulling him this way and that as they manhandle him; they have put on the lower part of his mask so that only his eyes are showing. They are downcast, dull, lacklustre, as if he is a puppet. It hurts you to see him like this. One of the technicians tuts and pulls him around so he can fasten the buckles on the front of the Winter Soldier's jacket whilst other hands help and you want to shout at them to let go of him, to leave him alone.

But this is what he is here for.

He is a weapon. An asset. No more than that.

They add in some of his artillery. The other weapons will be given to him by his team when they leave.

"Are you all right?"

Doctor Jakobs has noticed your quietness, and speaks as he hands you the Winter Soldier's boots.

You look at him and he sees the unshed tears in your eyes. "Why do we do this to him?" The anguish in your words is real and he doesn't have an answer for you.

The Winter Soldier has not said a word and you know he won't.

He no longer talks.

The technicians push him backwards so that he sits down and you kneel and put his boots on; one of the technicians makes as if to help but Jakobs stops him with a hand on his shoulder and a shake of his head.

You fasten the buckles up, and he is ready. You just need to place his goggles on to hide his eyes.

You stand and someone hands them to you.

You lean forward and tilt his chin up slightly and for the first time his eyes lift up and look at you directly.

"Be careful out there," you whisper and then cover them. You don't move for a second. Then the door bangs open.

"Is he ready?" a voice yells. One of his team.

You nod and move away and he stands up.

He is ready.

 **...**

 ** **4**** **2 Months Ago**

Before you are put into cryo, Director Lehmann asks for you see him. He is polite and you are wary. He is in such a good mood that you find yourself fascinated by how jovial he is being. He tells you that when they next wake you and the Winter Soldier, you will both be in the new facility. He even shows you a plan of how it is mapped out. He has new quarters for you and you will be able to go to the surface far more often.

 _ _This,__ he says is __the dawn of a new life.__

You do not believe him: it is an extension of the same life, that is all. But you do not say this.

You nod, ask a few questions that you pretend you feel are relevant, and then you are dismissed and return to your quarters. When you get there you find packing cases. Marinov has been instructed to tell you to pack what you want to take to the new complex. It doesn't take long and then you lock the door and head down to the cryo suite. The Winter Soldier was placed into cryo the day before and you now look in at his calm sleeping form.

With Stefan's help you strip down to your underwear and climb into your own pod. You hate this moment. It takes all your courage not to crawl out screaming at the claustrophobia you feel. Stefan checks you are ready and you nod as he seals you in. The hissing noise begins. Your skin starts to crackle and you know no more.

 **...**

 **7 Months Ago**

They have brought you and the Winter Soldier out of cryo freeze and programmed him in record time. It has never been this short a timetable before.

 _ _An urgent assignment,__ you are told.

A team are assembled and waiting for him. You are told the mission will be done, the report made, and then he will be wiped and put back into cryo freeze. There will be no need for you to do anything for him.

You are still suffering from the after effects of cryo; after all they only bought you around two hours before they woke him so that you could be present as usual; but then after you helped dress him you were excused and he was taken immediately to programming. From there they drove him away for the mission.

No rest period. Nothing.

You ask to see Director Lehmann but are told that is not possible. You ask why not and the person tells you someone will talk to you soon. The person you talk to will not look at you. You have never met them before you don't even know their name. You persist with your questions. You ask why the Winter Soldier is to be immediately put back into cryo on his return. The person finally looks at you and shrugs, you are told there is no reason to keep him out any longer.

It is then you remember that he is merely an asset to them.

You have only been awake for three hours but already you know things are so different. You do not recognise any of the rooms although you recognise the systems, the pods. It is obvious whilst you were asleep you have been moved to the new base. Stefan finally joins you. He is still working on the cryo freeze team and was not there when they woke you.

"We need to talk," are his first words to you, which is funny because that is just what you were going to say to him. Then he shocks you.

The first thing he tells you is that there is a new director. Your mind is still humming, trying to take in new facts, the new surroundings.

"Lehmann's gone?" you ask, bewildered.

"Lehmann's dead. Look, lets get you sat down you look as if your going to faint." Stefan fetches a chair and you gratefully sink into it. Your head is pounding.

"I don't understand," you look at him. Part of your mind is out there, wherever it is they have sent the Winter Soldier; when he left he looked as dazed as you feel now. You need to concentrate on what Stefan is telling you. There is something very wrong here.

You hadn't been permitted to speak to the Winter Soldier at all before he left. You were in the corridor when they brought him back from programming, and your heart had jumped when you saw him bleeding from his nose but they assured you it wasn't a problem. You could also see one of his eyes was bloodshot. You tried to argue to get them to let you see if he was all right but they said there wasn't time, his team would look after him. As he left, you saw he was shaking his head as if trying to clear his mind.

Stefan sits next to you. "Freya, things are a little... _ _different__ now."

"What do you mean different? How?" His words frighten you. Your head is not allowing you to think. It all seems to be crashing in on you and Stefan can see this.

It is why he volunteered to be the one to tell you.

"Short version, okay...whilst you and the Winter Soldier were in cryo, Lehmann had a massive coronary...he was in a meeting with us talking about this new camp and then __pshwst__...gone the next. It was so sudden nothing could be done. And we soon found out that nothing was in place should something like that happen. No-one knew what to do with the project. It was pandemonium."

He looks at you and you nod. You are doing your best to concentrate, grateful that he is trying to make it as simple for you as he can.

"We had all types arriving here from above, so many meetings. It was like a bomb had been dropped on the place. Zola couldn't be reached at first and then when they did reach him he left it to the Russians to replace Lehmann with whomever they saw fit. But that wasn't as easy as everyone thought at first. This base wasn't ready yet but the old one was on its way out, they still needed to move us. In the end it was decided that decisions couldn't be made lightly, time was needed."

He makes sure you are following, you get the feeling part of him is trying to put off telling you something he doesn't think you will want to hear.

"They moved us here but we were... _ _mothballed__ whilst they made up their minds what was to happen. The project continued in as much as they kept us busy updating systems, running scenarios, getting better at what we do, preparing the new base for the future..."

He stops again, he can see your mind working now, you are trying to think of how long all this would have taken.

 _ _Bingo!__ "How long were we out for?" you ask.

Stefan looks at you as he puts his hand over yours. "Three years."

You don't think you heard him right until you see the look on his face. Then it hits you. "Three __years__? But..."

It takes Stefan another hour to bring you up to speed. After that there was not much else he could say. He still doesn't know what their future plans are and he was as shocked as you were when orders came down from the new director to prepare and send the Winter Soldier out within eight hours. It had never been done before.

He then goes on to explain that your new quarters are not ready. That was the nicest way he could think of putting it. The rooms designated for you and the Winter Soldier hadn't even been touched; most of your things are still packed and in storage. For now you would sleep in another room until things had been decided. Both Jakobs and he had tried to get more information from the new director but it was made obvious that neither of them were senior enough to be told what future plans held for the two of you, and that worried both of them.

All he could say now was that he was sorry. How many times have you heard that said? How many times have you said it yourself?

 _ _Sorry.__

Just a hollow word.

He shows you the room you are to use for the time being. It is small and up on the first floor away from cryo, away from where the Winter Soldier would be most of the time. Stefan has managed to get a few of your clothes and possessions out of storage but there is none of the Winter Soldier's. All his belongings needed for the mission were being taken from stores.

Your new room is soulless, bleak, as if to reflect your new future here.

The next day the mission has been completed and the Winter Soldier is brought back to base. The staff do what they are told. He is immediately debriefed, wiped and put back into cryo-freeze. You do not see him at all until it is too late and he is back in his metal pod. You are only in there because Stefan has taken you to see him when no-one else is about. It feels like you are having to sneak everywhere, as if you no longer belong.

The next day you are called to the Director's office. Jocelyn has long since been replaced by another woman; you do not catch her name and she tells you to go straight in.

The name on the door is Director Krupin.

The new director is sitting behind the desk. You guess him to be about 55, with hard, colourless eyes. But he smiles when you enter the room and it surprisingly lightens his face.

To you everything seems to have happened so fast.

"Glad to meet you at last...and you are on time, too." He stands up, shakes hands, and before you can sit down he guides you out of the office. "This way, this way." He leads you down the corridor to a large meeting room. When you arrive there is a mixture of people there. You recognise very few. You are confused but you realise later that he wanted you to walk in to the meeting with him; that way it looks as if you already know and have agreed with his plans.

You hadn't of course. You didn't even know what they were.

You see Doctor Jakobs look at you. He tries to smile and shakes his head __no__ , warning you not to say anything. You are shocked at his appearance. His hair is turning white. He is looking __old__. You see Marinov arrive and Jakobs shrugs to show him he does not know why there are there either.

Your heart sinks even further.

Two more people enter; Stefan and one of the other assistants. They are directed to seats. Director Krupin politely gets you to sit on his right and he then sits at the head of the table so that you are cut off from everyone else. You are the only woman present until his secretary comes in. She sits at a small desk tucked away in the corner and is soon ready to take notes. You and everyone else soon forget she is there.

From what Stefan has told you, Krupin has been at the base on and off for the last year and a half. He is ex-KGB, appointed as the official new director answering to the people at the top only. He is Russian and you will shortly find out that he only has one way of doing things - his way. He pretends to be the courteous gentleman, always ready to hear what people have to say...before telling them how it is going to be.

Earlier, when Stefan was sure you could not be overheard, he warned you to be careful. Leonid Krupin is not the congenial person he seems at first glance.

At first you wonder why Krupin asked you along, you have nothing to say in any of the matters in hand. Each department is asked for a report on what is happening, bringing him up to date. After an hour you wish you could stand up; you are experiencing cramps from being in cryo freeze for so long and your head still aches.

At a quiet interval you reach over and pour some water into a glass to drink. Silence falls and you then realise they are watching you.

"Ah very rude of me not to introduce Freya Bowman. I'm sure not many of you will have had the chance to meet her yet - even though you all are aware of who she is."

You know you are blushing; it's as if a spotlight has been put on you. They know who you are but you do not know them; you are already at a disadvantage.

Krupin seems to rescue you.

"Which brings me onto the last thing I want to discuss with you and the main reason we are all here today."

Attention returns to him.

"The Winter Soldier and the timing of the missions," he says.

As you listen to him your eyes grow wide and a cold feeling hits you in the pit of your stomach. You look at Stefan who is across from you and you can see the shock on his face too. You know without looking that Jakobs and Marinov will be the same. Some people, those that you don't know, seem to be expecting this news.

Krupin is explaining that as from now, the Winter Soldier is to be put on a much tighter schedule. There will be far more missions. After all, Krupin explains, Hydra has a lot of work for him to do and a lot invested in him. Now that the camp is up and running things are to get busy. Very busy.

Therefore the only way to proceed is for the Winter Soldier to be brought out within less than six hours from cryo freeze, programmed within a shorter time frame as possible and sent straight out. Two extra men have been assigned to his team. When his mission is completed he will be debriefed, wiped and then immediately returned to cryo-freeze.

This, he says, has just been trialled at eight hours and they felt they could reduce it further to six and Krupin is pleased to say it worked well and this is how the base and the missions will be run from now on. They will also ensure that his training will be kept up to date if and when they can.

When he stops talking you expect protests, questions, but there is nothing. Some people, like Stefan and Jakobs are to stunned, others to frightened to displease the new director and the remainder have been working on this already and knew it was to happen.

You lean forward but he is already standing up to leave.

"But..." you want to tell him it won't work. The Winter Soldier is not an automaton, he is still human. What about food? What about rest? What about the effects of cryo-freeze?

But as you try to put your thoughts into words he talks across you, patting your hand.

"Bit of a shock for you I expect. Worried about your part in all this? Please don't worry, you won't be asked to leave. You're safe with us. We will still use you for the wake up period, of course, and we can find lots of other things for you to do...I expect there will be times when we will be glad to have a nurse on hand. You will of course not need to be put in cryo freeze along with him; that way you will always be here for your new duties."

That is not what you were going to say. You hadn't even thought of the repercussions this would have on you.

He knows what you were really going to say. He was told to expect it. He has stopped you in your tracks, deflected your arguments as he smiles down at you.

You look into his eyes and when he walks away you both know exactly where you stand.

 **...**

 **The Present**

You wait to hear the Winter Soldier is back from his latest mission and when finally you are allowed to see him he is back in cryo-freeze. You look down at him in the metal coffin with pity; you know how confining and restricted that space is.

His face is changing. It is narrower, cheek bones more properly defined, eyes sunken, the skin grey, colourless. He lies still, eyes closed. He no longer knows who or what he is. You and the doctors are concerned over his state of health. You have prepared reports, gone into meetings with Krupin, but he isn't interested; he doesn't see the problem. The Winter Soldier is fulfilling all his missions, he is taking information in and getting the job done, so what if there are a few minor hiccups they can be ironed out. After all, he says, Zola's serum will sort out any health issues that may crop up.

Looking at him now you think about how he was before he left for his last mission. You have heard a word you think described him: z _ _ombie__. Dead eyes, pale flesh, no feelings, no life in him, a drone. But the damage being done is immense and you have to think of a way to get Krupin to realise this isn't working.

The Winter Soldier no longer shares a room with you. He is fed and dressed in a small room leading off from the main room. They never allow him to sleep, __after all__ Krupin says, __the Winter Soldier will sleep when he is in cryo-freeze.__

You think of the problems you and the doctors have had in the short periods of time he has been out and you have been allowed near him. On the longer missions where he needs to eat he can't keep solid food down; they are back to giving him liquidised foods. The last time you tried to cut his hair you found lumps of it coming out in your hand, matted and lifeless.

He gets tremors in his muscles and terrible cramps which is the only time you hear him make any sound and that is only to cry out. He has less tone and strength in his body. His immune system is shot to hell.

He keeps shaking his head and wiping his eyes as he gets blurred vision. Twice he has been totally blind when first woken. He gets tinnitus so bad it causes him to hit his ears until they bleed.

And he is always cold. There are times when he is so cold he cannot stop shivering.

Programming is taking longer. There is more damage done each time, damage that then doesn't get the time it needs to heal. Even Peter and Elise have tried to explain to Krupin, but he doesn't seem to understand that the serum is unable to do its work when the Winter Soldier is in cryo-freeze. He also doesn't understand that the serum is unstable and can cause problems of its own.

You are petrified that the Winter Soldier will be injured, shot perhaps, and his body will not be able to repair itself. There is blood in his urine and the doctors say it is damage to his liver. Zola's serum is not keeping up with the pressure they are putting his body under.

They are having problems with the electronics in his arm failing and you have noticed he cannot hold the weight of it when it goes dead. His co-ordination at times, especially after programming, is off; it takes him longer to get control of his own body.

His team have become concerned about him especially out in the field. There are no feelings in him at all, not even his anger, his drive. He is unable to improvise if something unexpected happens. He cannot make decisions as fast as he once did. They are having to __think__ for him. One day, one of the missions is going to blow up in their faces. They do all they can to protect him whilst he gets the job done but they know they are flying by the skin of their teeth.

He is a highly skilled assassin. The missions he is being sent out on are too many; they do not require his level of expertise. It is like using a mallet to crack an egg. This was not what they understood Project Winter Soldier to be. Most of the time now the assignments are petty, inconsequential, __ridiculous.__

And worse still, you cannot get the Winter Soldier to talk to you.

You don't know if he even hears or knows who you are any more. You are still there when they waken him. At the beginning he would wake fast and uptight, not knowing where he was, who he was, what was happening, panicked the times he was blind. A couple of times he has come close to hurting you badly before recognition would dawn and he would calm. Now when he wakes, after that first flicker of recognition, there is a flatness to his gaze: he just sits there until someone comes to take him for programming, no words, nothing, silence.

 **...**

And then it happens. Disaster.

You and the doctors have dressed him and are ready to send him out. He looks awful: pale, lifeless. His team leader comes to collect him but as the Winter Soldier gets to his feet you see blood drip from his mask. He seems to stumble and staggers two steps before you and Jakobs catch him and help him down to his knees. Blood is now running freely though the mask; his nose is bleeding, the whites of his eyes are not just bloodshot they have large patches of solid red in them, the corneas look clouded. His ears are bleeding, the blood trickling down into his hair and literally dripping off the ends.

You get the mask off only to find he is also coughing up blood and you can feel any strength he had draining from his body.

Then he panics. He doesn't seem to know where he is or who he is.

The programming has totally failed.

They need to sedate him but he is fully clothed in battle gear and the needle will not go through the fabric. There is none of his usual strength, nothing; he can't even fight them. He looks up at you and you see recognition in his eyes and he speaks, softly - he begs you to help him. He tries to get up but his feet slip in the blood on the floor and as he goes down one of the doctors slips the needle into the back of his neck.

The look in his eyes as he goes down is dreadful. It is as if he is begging you to tell him what he did and utter bewilderment.

Director Krupin is called to the lab immediately and he is not happy. He has to decide whether or not to call off or delay the mission and he doesn't want to do either. He has made promises, and more importantly he has received payment. He can see the terrible state the Winter Soldier is in but it is as if he has blinkers on and refuses to concede that he is at fault.

Whilst he looks into the options he orders that the Winter Soldier is to be wiped and put back into cryo-freeze.

They had only ever wiped him in an unconscious state once before; it is not something that should be done. It is unnerving to see his body buck and hear the groans that come from him despite him being unconscious. Very soon he is back in his metal coffin and you pray that, like you, he does not dream whilst he is in there.

He cannot go on like this.

The mission is cancelled.

 **...**

Another long day of hopelessness, asking to see Krupin and being turned down again. Leaving reports with his secretary that you know are ignored. Even his secretary is exasperated, taking calls and having people continually asking her to get him to contact them, knowing he won't.

The Winter Soldier is still in cryo after the last failure but you know Krupin is even now planning on pulling him out for the next mission. Peter rarely confides in you but he does this time. They have been given the new script to programme the Winter Soldier with. He does not show you it but complains that it is a mission that is not fit for someone like their assassin; it is to take down some government official's wife's lover in a jealous spat. You cringe at the word assassin but you understand Peter's anger. This is not what he was created for. He is there to go on missions where no one else can get close, his level of expertise is failing as his health fails. Peter asks if you cannot do something, anything.

Nothing though will change Krupin's mind; he says he is under pressure from the top. So many jobs being put their way, so many people needing to die. But you now know why Krupin is so keen on sending his pet out on missions, why there are so many. Money. There is so much money to be made and he is the one making it.

Another day wasted and tomorrow they will awaken the Winter Soldier. Nothing you can do or say will stop it. Unknown to Krupin, Stefan has helped you move to a room on the third floor near the cryo freeze. Although it was noted by some people, they think of it as being inconsequential and so no one thinks of telling him. You have also managed to pull some more of your things out of storage. You turn in for the night thinking you won't sleep but you always do.

 **...**

 _ _The Winter Soldier is dying, and because it senses this the serum is trying to wake him from his death sleep. It is trying to rebuild his memories, to motivate him, anything to persuade the cold body to want to survive, to live. He comes awake gasping for breath, momentarily blind that he does not see the white mist encircling him but he can feel it sucking his breath away; he is inhaling it and he coughs. His chest hurts from the coldness of the air and his eyes close again. But the serum is still trying to do its work.__

 _ _He is so cold. It is the only thing he knows. His joints are stiff; he can barely move. He cannot remember where he is, who he is, or what is happening but there is a voice telling him he needs to get out of the metal casket he is in. Has he been buried alive? His brain is too exhausted to be able to think; his body needs to use it's survival instincts only, it cannot rely on his mind.__

 _ _His body is still frozen in places, and in others the pain is bad where his muscles try to stretch and where the blood is trying to force itself through veins that are too narrow for it. His brain is one big dark place. In his mind all he can see is a picture of a woman turning into a room and closing a door. Somehow he knows he needs to get to that room, to that door, to find the woman. She will help: she will stop the pain, she will help him get away from this nightmare.__

 _ _By touch alone he tries to find something, anything, but there is nothing buried in with him. His hands feel along the edges inside but his fingers will not work properly. The bones in his right hand are still frozen and in his haste he hears several of his fingers snap. There is no pain from the broken bone but he knows from instinct that it will follow. Scratches appear in his flesh where he tries to move around and sharp edges gouge into his flesh. His brain is trying to clamp down on the panic filling his chest; he is breathing too fast taking in too much of the air. He cannot hear anything and his lungs are gasping for warmth. Slowly he begins to realise he can see light. It shines above him through a panel, a pane of glass.__

 _ _In a fit of panic he hits the glass panel with his left hand and sees the glass crack and that sends him into an utter frenzy, beating at the glass again and again until finally it gives and shatters sending bits of glass both inward and outwards. But still he does not stop, he uses his right hand to scrabble around through the hole but all that does is cause deep scratches in his palm and fingers; some scratches so deep from the broken glass that they sever important muscles until his hand is of no use anymore and will not respond to what he is trying to do.__

 _ _His brain tries to send him messages to calm down, to think, but it is so difficult, it is so cold. For a moment he stops, his eyes close and if it were not for a sudden loud hissing sound he would have slept again and never woken. But the hissing continues and the air is not so cold any more. Unknown to him he has hit a switch on the side of the pod that has started the count down to bring him out of cryo freeze. But the pod is still latched closed. Someone is needed to actually release it for the pod to open.__

 _ _Again the panic starts to over take; despite the warmer air he is still so cold and his body shudders and he cannot stop shivering. His eyesight is poor and his hearing hums as if he is under water. He vaguely remembers the power of his left hand and starts to hammer on the inside cover of the pod; this hand and arm have greater power than the flesh and blood one and it takes all his poor strength and determination to keep hitting the metal until finally something gives. There is a loud grating noise and the top of the pod comes open and he desperately struggles to get out landing hard on the floor and in his exhaustion, he loses consciousness once again.__

 _ _It is an hour before he comes around. He is lying in a pool of cold water, some of it already freezing around his body. Although he has turned the pod off the room itself is still at freezing point. He tries to stand but his legs won't work. There are small trails of blood over his body from deep wounds, the cold at least is preventing him from bleeding to death. His right hand is useless and with his left he tries to pull himself over the cold tiled floor, digging the metal into the spaces between the tiles. All he can think of is the woman and the safety she offers.__

 _ _He must get to her.__

 _ _He doesn't know how he does it but he gets to the doorway and pulls himself up. He blinks to try and clear his eyesight. He beats ineffectually on the door.__

" _ _Help me," he tries to say, but barely any sound comes out. His breath mists out in front of him.__

 _ _There is no-one to hear him. When he is in cryo-freeze once the daily checks are done there is no-one manning the room. He is totally alone.__

 _ _The cold is still trying to win him over, trying to lull him back into sleep. He tries to block its seduction and with more luck than anything else he hits the panel to open the door and falls through it.__

 _ _Although the next room is not particularly warm it feels like a sauna to his frozen body. One again he lies where he has fallen. The marrow in some bones is still frozen solid; how he is alive, yet alone conscious, is a testament to Zola's serum. He focuses on the next doorway. He knows instinctively this leads to the corridor. He pulls himself forward to one of the consoles and uses that to help him stand.__

 _ _His blood is running more freely now and water is dripping from his hair. Small bits of glass are caught in his hair and slivers have slipped under his skin to add their own damage.__

" _ _Please help me," he tries to say; to whom he doesn't know because there is no-one there. He leans against the console cradling his broken hand. He rests his head against the wall and blinks to try and clear his eyesight.__

 _ _He is so tired, wants to sink to the floor, to give up, and his blurred eyes begin to sting when he begins to cry, his nose begins to run. "Please someone hep me," he whispers. But he only has himself.__

 _ _He looks at the doorway; it looks a million miles away. He keeps having to blink, to clear his eyesight, which is still fogged. For moment a bout of nausea hits him and he bends over and before he can stop it he retches but nothing comes up. The convulsion hurts all through his body as it pulls muscles taut. Cramps work their way through his calves making him cry out. Before he can stop he falls again and lets go of the console.__

 _ _Darkness claims him.__

 _ _This time he is sure it is a voice that wakes him, but when he opens his eyes the voice stops and there is no-one there. He can still hear the echo of it in his mind; it makes no sense. "Come, on Buck. Come on, son," it had whispered.__

 _ _He knows that voice. But not where he had heard it.__

 _ _He lies on the floor in a widening pool of blood and closes his eyes again.__

" _ _Come on son, give your old man a hand with something will you?"__

" _ _I can't," he murmurs.__

" _ _You don't think I still love you?" the voice asks and his eyes flutter open; there is still no-one there yet when he closes them he could swear there is a shadow on his eyelids. An older man crouching down, cajoling him to move.__

" _ _Son, if you don't move you will die. You still have so much to do, so much to suffer through, before you can come to us. I know it hurts, Buck, and I am so sorry; I wish I could bear the burden with you but I can't. So come on. You can do this."__

 _ _Without opening his eyes, the Winter Soldier struggles up and its as if he can feel an arm around him, helping him, and a voice now whispering: "I love you son, come on." He grabs hold of the corner of the console and feels a strength he didn't feel before, a light headiness. The ghost whispers to him once more: "Jesus, it's cold. Let's go and warm up." And suddenly he knows who it is.__

" _ _Dad," he whispers and opens his eyes but he is still alone. He does not know who he is, he does not remember anything, but he knows deep down in his gut he had a father who loved him.__

 _ _Who really knows if it is the ghost of his father helping him, or his mind digging for memories, creating and remembering words to help him survive.__

 _ _He looks towards the door again and this time staggers to reach it; it seems so far away. He falls against it and it swings open and he crashes down on to the corridor floor, groaning as his knees hit the cold concrete.__

 _ _It is amazing that there is no-one around, no-one to help him, but maybe in the long run it is a good thing as they would have called for Krupin. Maybe, for once, someone is on the Winter Soldier's side.__

 _ _He leans against the wall and looks down the corridor. He can see the door he needs to get to, and in his mind once more he sees the woman entering it. Freya. Her name is Freya. Gritting his teeth and leaving wet, bloody footprints on the floor, and bloodied hand prints on the wall he staggers down to it.__

 _ _It is not locked. He fumbles with this left hand to push the handle down and the door opens. There is a small lamp on in the room casting shadows and he can see a double bed. Drunkenly he stumbles over to it; the door swings shut behind him. He looks down at the sleeping figure; she is turned on her side, away from him. He can already feel the heat of her body, the softness of her skin. He is clumsy as he moves the sheets back and falls into the bed startling the occupant but before she can turn he wraps his arms around her and pulls her body to him, nestles his face into her hair.__

 _ _He can relax now. He has arrived. He is safe.__

 **...**

When you wake you are lying on your side asleep in the bed you would once have shared with the Winter Soldier. You are startled into wakefulness by a bump, and then you feel the bed dip down as if someone is getting in next to you. The next thing you know is utter freezing coldness as the Winter Soldier's arms fold around your middle drawing you to him. His flesh is freezing cold and wet. His muscles tensed, solid, and you can feel his bones where he has become so thin.

"So cold..help me, please help me," his voice shakes, his whole body trembling.

At first you don't move. You think you must be dreaming, but the cold is seeping into you and his left arm starts to burn your skin where the cold metal is directly touching your skin. You try to move but you can't and as soon as he feels you move his grip tightens more.

"Don't leave me. I'm so cold...help me. Please help me." This time the voice is followed by deep shivers and you can hear his teeth chattering. His breath smells foetid, almost like something is rotting inside of him. The smell is on his flesh to and you feel a drip of water fall on your shoulder from his hair.

"Oh God..." You try to turn, but you can't. He has you in a deadlock and if you don't do something soon you are both going to be in serious trouble. "Let me go so I can help you. I won't leave you...let me help you." You tug at his right arm but the flesh is freezing cold and stiff. His grip only tightens like a vice. You take your hand away and see blood on it. You look down at his arms; they are scratched and then you look at his hands clasped together. There is something wrong with his right one, it is blue against the marbled flesh and the fingers look misshapen. On his left hand some of the metal is dented and bent.

Outside the door in the corridor you hear a distant alarm go off.

"Please, listen to me, you have to let me go so I can help you." But you don't think he can take in what you are saying; instead he just tries to hold you tighter and you feel his legs wrap around yours. Your warmth is leaching out, the cold starting to move into your bones. If he holds you any tighter those bones will start to crack.

In the corridor you hear people running. It is no use trying to call out as they will not hear you; he has such a tight grip on you, you are finding it difficult to draw a deep breath yet alone speak. You wrack your brain, trying to work out what you can do.

You trying pushing backwards with all your strength. He is immovable.

"Freya," his voice is so quiet and you close your eyes. He said your name. He knows who you are.

"You have to let me go. I can't help you whilst you're holding me, please, please let me go." But he cannot hear you. His mind is slipping into unconsciousness.

The phone on the bedside table rings and you try and reach it but you can't; it is mere inches out of your reach but you can reach the cable for it so instead you pull the wire and the phone slides onto the floor.

"Help me please," you cry out, as loud as you can, but even then your voice is quiet. You pray the connection hasn't broken. You can hear a tinny voice calling your name.

The Winter Soldier won't let you go. He doesn't know he is killing you. He is back with you, he needs you so badly, he needs to feel your warmth, to know you are there.

His Constant.

The cold has seeped into your bones and you are still having difficulty breathing; his hold is too constricting. Where the metal arm is against bare skin it has stuck and burns through layers of skin. The room seems to have dropped in temperature. You are not sure if it has or it is your imagination. You cannot get free and you are beginning to feel so tired.

Is it worth the struggle?

He is with you, that is all that matters. Perhaps it is better for both of you this way. Instead of fighting any more you move your whole body back against him, moulding it to fit his.

"Its all right, James...you're all right now...I'm here...you're not alone any more," you say softly and you feel him relax. You could cry. Why does he always have to suffer? Why does the world keep thinking of new ways to hurt him? Has he been conscious all along trying to get back to you? Trying to get back to the only world he knows?

Your arms go around his holding your waist and you close your eyes. You can both sleep now.

 **...**

"Freya! Freya! Come on, dammit, wake up." Someone slaps you around the face. They are shouting at you, hauling you up and shaking you.

You open your eyes but the light is too bright. The alarm in your room is going off as well as the one out in the corridor, the noise is horrendous.

"Oh thank God." The person hugs you and you realise you are standing up but you don't know where you are.

"Sleep. Let me go to sleep." You are annoyed with being woken.

"Freya, what happened here...Freya...oh no! No you don't...you're not going back to sleep!" Stefan shakes you again.

You hear voices, yelling, footsteps.

"Freya...what?" Stefan's attention is interrupted by Jakobs and he turns his head to listen to him. He then turns back to you.

He slaps you lightly on the cheek. "Freya, Freya, listen. James needs you, he's hurt...Freya can you hear me? Christ, she's so cold."

You are so close to sleep again but something triggers in the back of your mind. A dressing gown is being wrapped around you; Stefan struggling to get your arms in the sleeves and then fasten it up.

 _ _James.__ They mentioned __James__.

You struggle to open your eyes and find Stefan holding you. He repeats what he said and you begin to blink rapidly trying to wake up, trying to understand what he is telling you.

Something about James.

Then you remember and you are awake, shaking your head to try and banish the sleepiness.

"Oh my God..." You blink again and you are looking at Stefan.

"James..." You turn in his arms and see Jakobs knelt on the bed, trying to wedge something into the Winter Soldier's mouth; he is convulsing and even standing where you are you can feel the cold coming off him.

"Oh __Christ__. Oh no, no, no!"

"Are you awake...are you okay..." Stefan asks and you are nodding, trying to get him to let go. You are unsteady on your feet but your training takes over.

Between the three of you you manage to get the wooden wedge into the Winter Soldier's mouth; he is now bleeding and foaming and has bitten his tongue.

The convulsions are dying down but you know that could mean his heart will stop pumping and you need to get him help as soon as you can. You need to get his temperature up so Zola's serum can start to do its work.

His breathing is shallow, rasping, and he has stopped shivering. That is a bad sign. A very bad sign. "His pupils are dilated...bloodshot, right through." Jakobs is trying to wake him but he is unconscious.

You can see the deep scratches on his body, blood soaking into the sheets. Jakobs is wrapping cloth around other cuts. In some places you cannot tell what are bruises and what is cold marbled skin.

Stefan is searching through drawers, pulling out blankets, sheets, anything that can warm him up. He has sent two guards to find more. He passes some to you and you pack them up against the sides of his body and legs, around his head. You __have__ to get him warmer. His flesh is so pale, so blue it reminds you of when your first saw him in the field camp.

Jakobs has the Winter Soldier's wrist and is trying to find his pulse; he is frowning and you feel so helpless, you turn to Stefan but he doesn't know what to say to you. Jakobs points out damage on the Winter Soldier's hand. The nails are bloodied, cracked and broken off. The skin on the end of the fingers is raw and bloody. Several of the fingers are broken and will need a splint.

"Got it!" If Jakobs has found a pulse it then it means the Winter Soldier must be warming up; slowly but surely all the same and once that happens there is hope.

You know deep down it was doubtful that he would die but what would happen if his body was repaired but his brain is too damaged for the serum to do its work properly? You know from experience what the cold can do to people.

"You're bleeding." Stefan reaches out and turns you around to face him. You look down and there is blood on your dressing gown but you don't know where it's from. You shake your head, no but then pain hits you and you gasp. Where the metal had attached itself to you it has taken the skin off. The burns are minor but need attention.

"It's nothing," you try to say but you feel faint; it is dawning on you how close you came to death.

Stefan fetches a medical kit to dress your injuries and you reach down to the chair and slowly lower yourself into it. Your knees are turning to jelly.

"Will he be all right?" you ask Jakobs because you want to hear someone say it.

He nods and tries to smile, he looks so tired these days. "He's alive, and that's a start," he says.

You sit there watching him sleep. Jakobs and Stefan stay with you, there is a guard inside and outside the room and that is how Krupin finds you.

He has been briefed on what has happened.

A late night inspection discovered the Winter Soldier's cryo freeze chamber empty and bloodied footprints across the floor of the rooms and then leading down the corridor. The alarm was sounded. Stefan was called as part of the cryo-freeze team and he had phoned your room to let you know what had happened. He heard your voice and came straight to you, only to find the guards arriving at the same time - they had been following the footsteps.

When they entered you were both in bed. The Winter Soldier was curled around you and you were holding onto his arms, your legs threaded through his. Both of you were deathly pale and the room was so cold. Stefan had hit the alarm in your room and they then had to try and get the Winter Soldier to let go of you.

Krupin is infuriated.

He demands an immediate investigation. Who let him out is his main concern. He wants the Winter Soldier returned to cryo-freeze and it is only Jakob's and Stefan's stern objections that stop him. They convince him that if he is put back straight away there could be a chance that they would lose him completely. The serum needs a chance to work on him.

After a lot of argument, Krupin reluctantly agrees and says he will return in the morning. By then he expects the Winter Soldier to be well enough to return to the chamber. To him the Winter Soldier is just a weapon; he has never spent time with him, never watched as he wakens, never sees the damage being done.

Jakobs watches him go. He has to do something. This can't continue. He feels it is his fault. If he hadn't murdered Lehmann then none of this would have happened. These days he doesn't know what is wrong and what is right. He no longer trusts himself to choose. But this?

Something needs to happen.

When the furore has died down, there is only one guard left outside and Jakobs has gone. Marinov has arranged for two extra heaters to be put in your room and had made you drink hot sweetened tea. It is disgusting, you pull a face but he is adamant that you drink it. Somehow it does make you feel better.

You have crawled back into the bed and curled up next to the Winter Soldier. You can feel the heat coming off his body. The serum is definitely at work, but what needs doing will not be accomplished within merely a day, especially if he is put back in cryo-freeze.

Stefan has fallen asleep in the chair in the in the corner. He will not leave either of you.

Ten hours later, Krupin still hasn't come back. The Winter Soldier has regained consciousness only to fall into a natural sleep once he saw you next to him. Stefan has left to see if he can find out what is happening.

You are worried when two hours later no-one has come back, but you do not want to leave the Winter Soldier's side. You have dressed and have pulled the chair up next to the bed. One of the guards brought food for you to eat and you asked him if he had seen Marinov; he shakes his head, nothing has been heard. You try to phone but no one picks up and so you sit and wait.

You can feel the heat from the Winter Soldier's body and his flushed face. From time to time he stirs and you get him to drink some water, you need to keep him hydrated. You put your hand on his arm, whisper that he is all right, he is safe. You tell him to sleep and he does.

It is another four hours before Krupin arrives and he is not happy. Zola is with him, and he doesn't know how Zola has heard about what happened.

Zola is furious. He had no idea of the short duration and the many missions the Winter Soldier has been sent on. He has been told of the deterioration in the Winter Soldier's health and he can see that just by looking at him. These days he has so many other projects on the go he rarely gave a thought to this one thinking it was in safe hands. And, more importantly, he has also been told the truth - that Krupin is using the Winter Soldier as a hired gun, accepting large amounts of money for the missions.

Feathering his own nest.

Krupin ignores you, but Zola doesn't. He takes your hand, patting it; you want to let go, you don't want to touch this man. With all the commotion the Winter Soldier is waking and you can see how Zola is shocked at his appearance.

Zola stands arguing with Krupin at the end of the bed. Both men talking about the soldier as if he isn't there. "He needs to go back into cryo-freeze straight away," Krupin is arguing, he wants to get everything back on track. "I have missions lining up."

Zola turns to him, so angry now. "That is another thing. I understand you have been charging for the missions. Large amounts of money seem to be showing up in an account under your name!"

"Well of course, it is all funding for the project. I can assure you..." Zola does not want to hear any more. The man has been using the Winter Soldier to line his own pockets.

"My serum needs time to repair his body." Zola is clutching a report in his hand which lists the problems the doctors are encountering but he can see the devastation for himself.

"Where did you get that?" Krupin demands.

"That doesn't matter! What matters is is that I have it...what did you think you were doing? This isn't how this should be run. The missions, if you can call them that, are too many, the timing impractical...look at the __havoc__ it has caused!"

"I can't see a problem. Everything has teething problems. He has fulfilled every mission. Look, we'll leave him out for 24 hours and then put him back in and maybe every six months we can do a... "

It is at that point they hear the Winter Soldier talking but not to them. He is talking to you. He is trying to get up and you are trying to stop him. It is you he is focused on. It is you he is begging.

"Don't let them put me back. Don't let them put me back in the dark." He is clutching your arm as you try and coax him to stay still, to stay in the bed.

He is looking at you properly for the first time in what seems an age; his eyes wide, still bloodshot and flecked, his skin burning hot and sweat glistening off his body, his hair damp and stuck to his brow. "Don't let them put me back..." He keeps repeating, holding on to you tight; he doesn't want to let go.

It is the first time Krupin has ever heard him speak.

Your attention is fully on the Winter Soldier and you tell him quietly that you won't let them.

Stefan comes into the room, taking in the scene, and goes straight to Krupin and Zola. He is not sure who to speak to so he tells both of them.

"No one let the Winter Soldier out," he says quietly, diverting their attention away from you. You listen to what he says.

Krupin frowns and Stefan hurries on. "The pod has been broken open from the inside... " He can't forget the damage he has seen. Scratching on the inside hood, blood covering what is left of the glass plating, the metal beaten. Blood and broken nails staining the whole inside as someone tried to break out; as the Winter Soldier tried to free himself.

"Don't be stupid man, he was frozen," Krupin starts but Stefan for once speaks over him.

"We checked the camera footage from that room. It shows it happening. It took him hours and when he finally gets out he collapses on the floor." He turns to Zola. "We've set it up so you can view the footage yourself. Once he gets the strength to move he makes his way here...it's..." he is trying to think of a way to explain it but he can't. "Sir you can't put him back, even if you decide to the pod is badly damaged and needs repairing. It will take days."

Zola looks at Krupin.

"I think we need to view this film and then talk about your future here don't you?" Then, surprisingly, he walks over so he can talk to the Winter Soldier and for a moment he forgets himself.

"Sergeant Barnes, you do not need to worry, you will not be going back into cryo freeze for the moment. You need to rest and let this young lady look after you. Things I promise you, will change." Then to you he smiles, nods and leaves with Krupin.

Your heart nearly stopped when Zola forgot himself for a moment and called the Winter Soldier __Sergeant Barnes,__ but the soldier is still too damaged to realise. You make him lie back down; he needs a shower, feeding, his wounds need seeing to, but for now he needs to sleep.

You go to take your hand away but he grabs hold of it. "Don't leave me."

You put your other hand over his. "I won't, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere," you kiss his forehead.

You watch over him for the rest of the day, another meal is brought in for you which you gratefully eat. You ask for them to bring some soup and you coax him into drinking it. You get a bowl of hot water and wipe down his body, changing the water several times. You change the bandages. You see there is still blood in his urine and discuss with Doctor Jakobs about a course of antibiotics. You try to make him as comfortable as possible. That night you crawl into bed with him again and although sleepy he holds you to him.

Tomorrow you will start to put him back together again.

 **...**

Leonid Krupin is taken off base and told he is being promoted to keep him silent. He is given something more suited to his calling. Something far away. Should he have an accident on his way to his new posting then it would be a shame but so be it.

These things happen.

People need to realise, money is not what Hydra is after - it wants power: pure unadulterated all encompassing power.

And God forbid __anyone__ who stands in its way.


	39. Chapter 39 - Under New Management

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Thirty-Nine: Hydra, The Constant & the Winter Soldier - Under New Management****

 _ _An intelligent, young, bright American, Jackson Caldwell arrives at his new posting. Although he is only in his twenties he is keen, enthusiastic, and knows exactly where Project Winter Soldier should be heading. He has been brought in by Zola.__

 _ _He will not make the same mistakes as Krupin.__

 _ _Along with Hydra, he is going to save the world.__

 _ _Hail Hydra!__

 _ _Jackson Caldwell has got far in a short time and he is right where he wants to be. He appears to be a congenial young man, and this is because he has learnt that this is the easiest way to be to get what he wants. He gives people their small victories without letting them realise he wins the important ones for himself. Without them realising it he slowly strips them of their values and, if necessary, their importance. People believe him to be fair and just; they like him.__

 _ _And this makes him more dangerous than people like Nikolay Lehmann and Leonid Krupin. At least you could see their naked ambition.__

 _ _The thing with Caldwell is that he wants to remain in this position, in the middle of things. Back home he has important friends, friendships he has deliberately sought out, courted. In Hydra he has a good reputation, people rely on him. Being the Winter Soldier's Handler will only be one of many things he will be responsible for.__

 _ _He will not spend all of his time here at the Camp. He will be here when necessary, of course, but he will ensure that he is always aware of what is happening. He sees himself as the puppet master, and the rest of the world do not know they are his toys. He is not stupid and he will do all that it takes to ensure people believe that he is there for them. That he cares. He knows exactly what people need.__

You are not there to greet him. Neither is the Winter Soldier. You are both in cryo-freeze.

Five months later you are awoken.

 _ _The new base has done well under Caldwell's ownership. It is up-to-date on all the latest technology, much of which is not known of outside Hydra. As originally mentioned by Lehmann, it is not just there for the Winter Soldier: he is just one of the projects housed here. The base will train STRIKE teams as well as other special ops teams; something else that is under Caldwell's remit. Other specialised training will also be done here.__

 _ _Caldwell is in charge of a few further projects in one way or another. There are other camp directors who will work together on bringing Hydra into the twenty-first century, always keeping it at the forefront of technology. All are dedicated to Hydra.__

 _ _Back home In the United States Hydra has found a new home and is safe.__

 _ _It is hidden. Nestled into SHIELD. Infecting it slowly. Poetic justice, Zola thinks.__

 **...**

Your quarters are now on the main floor which is on the surface. Both your clothing and the Winter Soldier's have been placed in there. The bed is a still double, but there is also the single one in the corner like before. Caldwell appears to have put some thought into the living space; you even have a small walled-off area leading off from your rooms outside. There is a small kitchenette and even your own bathroom. Both you and the Winter Soldier are able to breath fresh air, see the sun, and have a certain amount of freedom.

Jackson Caldwell comes to see you an hour after you awaken. He can see how nauseous you are feeling, and is quiet, and apologises for the intrusion. He tells you his long term plans and tells you that if you have any worries his door is always open.

You will reserve judgement on that. "And the Winter Soldier?"

Caldwell smiles.

"This is his home. We will look after him here. He is an important part of our plans and I can assure you, Freya...may I call you Freya?" He pauses waiting for your nod of acceptance "...that his health and physical wellbeing are paramount. I have a team of people for you to meet when you are feeling better. I have decided that it is best for him to remain on mission with the same team each time, where possible. His new lead commander is a young man called Adam Morton - an Australian. I expect he will introduce you to the rest of the team. He will be your main contact when arranging the Winter Soldier's timetable."

You look down at the ground. Can you believe him?

He __seems__ genuine...

"He is in good hands here, Freya." Caldwell re-emphasises, smiling again as he leaves you in peace.

Over the next 24 hours you learn more about the new regime. The Winter Soldier and his team all have separate areas to the rest of the camp. These contain training areas, gun alleys, a large gym, food hall, and sleeping quarters. In the main camp there is a Helipad and even a small runway. These are also open to the Winter Soldier project when needed; they will be able to fly him into wherever he is needed, under radar cover. The food hall even has its own chef now. The guards are all vetted and Hydra-loyal. Marinov is still in charge of them, and his second in command is a guard you already know by sight; Serge Zolnerowich.

The rest of the small staff are made up of one doctor, Eric Jakobs, and two scientists - the French scientist Doctor Taffeteer, and a woman you have never met. There are also various technicians and the cryo team which still includes Stefan - although you later find out that Stefan now has other duties as well.

The programming team still consists of Peter and Elise but a new person has joined the team, a man named Timur Mosin. Any friendship you had built with Peter during Krupin's time is now politely forgotten. You pass them in the corridor, give in reports to them but that is all. Friendship with them is not encouraged, and even if it were they would be the last people you would seek out.

There are also trainers who will work with Adam Morton as part of the Winter Soldier mission team: Viktor Kozar and Rodion Bessonov.

There are cameras everywhere. Security is high. It seems more like a small community than a military base, but if you look under the smokescreen you would realise it is highly organised and highly deadly. There are gun turrets at every corner, high fences, guard dogs, and once again the whole place is surrounded by a dense forested area with only two main roads in and out and one back road which is little more than a track and looks as if it would lead to no where.

In other words, no one could __accidentally__ see what is going on in there.

This is the way it was supposed to be. This is the way it was originally planned by Zola and the department heads of Hydra. The Winter Soldier is an assassin of the highest calibre, not just a hired killer as Krupin was using him as. He will be kept up to date with everything needed by Hydra. He will become more fluent in all languages, and his metal arm will be constantly updated with the latest engineering. He will be a force to be reckoned with.

 _ _Unknown to Freya, there is one thing that will never be changed: the Winter Soldier's programming. She will still be used as a failsafe without her knowing. Each time he starts to remember her...that is when they know their time is limited.__

 _ _She is still the one who gives him away; the ticking clock.__

 **...**

 _ _He listens to her voice. Knows where he is. Knows he is safe. Knows who he is – no-one...but everyone. He is the asset. He is an assassin. He is Hydra.__

 _ _He knows enough that he has been ill but is now better. Freya leaves, promises to see him later. He has a new Handler and is introduced to both him and the new team that will always be with him on mission. He looks for Freya but they tell him first of all he needs to go to programming.__

 _ _He will always obey them. Hail Hydra!__

 _ _When he comes out some time later he no longer looks for the woman; doesn't even know he had ever looked for her. His head is buzzing and at first it is difficult to keep focus and he has to concentrate. He is shown around the new base. Some of it is vaguely familiar, some of it strangely new. He is then taken to his quarters and meets the woman who will look after him. They have told him that he does know her, that she is always with him. He has already been instructed that she will provide all that he needs. For the first time that day he feels vaguely uncomfortable, it is as if he knows her but doesn't. As if she should mean something to him but she doesn't. The look she gives him is hopeful and he can see in her eyes he means something to her but he turns away. Does not see that light die away. Does not see the despair that replaces it. She thought he might be different now, but he isn't. He still doesn't know her like he should. Why? Why does this always happen after the programming?__

 _ _She has given up trying to understand.__

 _ _He thinks about what they told him. She is a nurse who looked after him when he was ill but she has loose morals; she likes the men, and that makes him angry and strangely jealous. They told him that he has some connection with her, they don't know why. They tell him she belongs to him but they make her sound dirty, disloyal. He is not sure what makes them think he would want to be with her yet alone...he shakes his head, he doesn't want to even think about that.__

 _ _Jackson Caldwell is not stupid. Although he has some compassion for Freya's predicament, he brushes that aside. She is needed, her role is vital, she__ is _ _the ticking clock. And so the programming still tells the Winter Soldier she is a whore, that he needs to keep her in check. That he can do anything he likes to her without retribution. Caldwell actually thought of putting in the programme that the woman must not be killed, but Elise tells him with one of her cold smiles that there is no need to. The Winter Soldier's overwhelming love for the woman always stops him going too far - always.__

 _ _And so a new era begins.__

 **...**

 **January 2nd 1955**

 _ _The mission could be a difficult one. The target will be in a crowded place. There is nowhere for them to hide the Winter Soldier, and he will need his team there with him to run interference. He is flown in and knows his mission. He is not dressed in his usual uniform, not in black; none of them are. Instead he has on a dark suit, shirt, and tie. A long dark overcoat, hat and gloves complete the ensemble. He is going to the races. A normal everyday occurrence, only for this group of men they will not be interested in watching the horses, placing bets. They only want one thing and that is someone's life.__

 _ _Such a small thing to ask for.__

 _ _The target is important, very important, especially with the talks. But Hydra has learnt something, something it doesn't like, and so this man must be taken out of the equation before he can say he has changed his mind. Before he can make it known he no longer wants to go ahead with the plans for the Panama Canal.__

 _ _The group of men stay together but are not out of place. They join in the crowds, look out over the race course. They have seen plans and photographs, they know exactly where their weapons are hidden and when the time comes they know exactly where they are meant to be. No one pays attention to them; they are just a group of friends out to enjoy the day. They carry in their hands folded up newspapers, a betting slip or two. If you studied the group you would realise one of them is quieter than the others, his eyes do not follow the horses, instead he is summing up the area, looking for any dangers. He listens to the voices around him, the language a mix of Spanish and a smattering of Portuguese.__

 _ _The target is sat with a group of people in the Presidential Box. Although the day is cold, the sun is low and bright so that shadow prevents anyone from seeing him clearly. The President doesn't mind; he isn't really one for public appearances. He has come to enjoy himself, to forget about the talks for a day, forget about what he will have to do next week. For today he can just be himself.__

 _ _Everyone is relaxed. He is sat looking through binoculars at the race course and is laughing with his bodyguard. They have both gone for different horses in the next race and the President is saying how he trusts him with his life but not with his choice of horses. They have a small side wager, nothing much, a bottle of the President's favourite drink which he knows his bodyguard also likes.__

 _ _To the left of the edge of the box is a small stand of trees and bushes, swaying gently in the wind. After today these will be torn down, the ground opened up so no one could possibly hide anything in them.__

 _ _After today, no one will need to hide anything in them.__

 _ _The group of men move over to the trees. Still no one pays them any attention.__

 _ _There is an announcement for the next race over the tanoy, which whines as someone readjusts it. The Winter Soldier listens to what is being said; the announcer talking excitedly in Spanish. The horses have been led into the starting stalls and the starters shot is heard and the horses are off.__

 _ _People jostle forward and begin to shout. In the Presidential box the President and his bodyguard stand to watch and see which of their horses will win. The noise from the crowd gets to the point where it is deafening, the tanoy keeping people abreast of the race, the excitement in the announcer's tone. A series of loud bangs are heard and some people turn thinking firecrackers have been let off.__

 _ _They do not at first understand what they are seeing.__

 _ _A man is walking forward, machine gun cradled in his arms. He looks to be an ordinary man, with several others around him; all are holding guns. The man lifts the machine gun and aims into the box just as the bodyguard frantically dives in front of his President but it is of no use and he dies in vain as bullets shoot through his body and take down the President behind him. Five others are also killed. No one could be missed in the rain of bullets a machine gun can throw out in less than a few seconds.__

 _ _No one.__

 _ _It is obvious that the President is dead and the men who took his life melt back into the covering of the trees as screams start to make themselves known in the pandemonium. More and more people turn to see what is happening and the race becomes forgotten by everyone but the announcer, who is not in a place to see what is happening except on the race field. His excited voice announces the winner of the race.__

 _ _The bodyguard would have won the drink.__

 _ _Tomorrow the news will circulate around the whole world. Presidents and Royals from all countries will send their horrified condolences, but the killer will never be found. Stories will be made up, patsies found, but underneath it all in the quieter spaces, the story of a__ ghost _ _will circulate. This is not the first time he has struck and they know it will not be the last. But no one, simply no one, seems to know where he comes from, who he works for. All they know is that he is to be feared, because he never fails. Warnings are circulated under the radar, nothing to back them up, just feelings from those who work in secret to try and protect the world.__

 _ _It will not be enough. It will never be enough.__

 _ _The first mission under Jackson Caldwell's leadership has been a success and he welcomes back his team, welcomes back the Winter Soldier.__

 _ _A few days later, Jackson receives a confidential memo from someone within SHIELD. They know that he is part of the intelligence community, and over time Jackson has advised and worked with SHIELD, helping them as an organisation to grow. The person considers him a friend and ally. The memo asks if he has heard the rumours about the unknown assassin, shares information, and asks him if he knows any more than they do.__

 _ _He dictates the reply to send back.__

My Dear Peggy,

I am in much the same place as you about this assassin, and that is in the dark! I have talked with people I know but nobody seems to have heard the rumours you have alluded to about him. The only thing I can come up with is that someone has floated the idea that it is a team of people who carry out their contracts in much the same manner over the years. It then makes it appear as if it is the same man who is the assassin no matter how many years have gone by. This is to cause fear and confusion, rumours of a __ghost__. You and I of course know this could not be true! I have a contact within the Russian government who I am planning to grill next time I see him. I shall let you know if I hear any more.

Meanwhile, I am flying in next Tuesday and was hoping to have a meeting with you at SHIELD headquarters to discuss incorporating some of our STRIKE teams within SHIELD. I know it is a subject we have only touched on in the past but the programme is going well and I think SHIELD can benefit from them joining with you.

I know you are a very busy woman but maybe afterwards, your time permitting, I can take you to lunch? I would very much like that.

Your friend as always,

Jackson.

 _ _Peggy Carter is a very intelligent woman whom Jackson Caldwell intends to keep both as a friend and ally. She is older than he but that does not worry him; he has always been good at flirting with both men and woman to get what he wants. He also knows a hopeless cause when he sees one and so he would never push that angle too far with Peggy; a light bit of flirting here and there but she knows her own mind and is definitely not a pushover.__

 _ _If she ever discovered that Hydra is growing within her own organisation, he is not sure what she would do. She has only one feeling for Hydra and that is an overwhelming hatred.__

 _ _It is such a pity because he is sure, with her drive and ability, that she would go far. For now he must keep her on his side. Keep her in front of him so he can always see exactly what she is doing. He will never turn his back on her.__

 _ _He will continue to watch and wait; with a little help from his STRIKE teams, that is.__


	40. Chapter 40 - Stefan & The Constant

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Forty: Stefan & His Friend: The Constant****

You are both at the meeting. Caldwell is droning on and on about figures, and you have switched off. You look across at Stefan to find he is studying you and you don't know why. He realises you are staring at him and he smiles as if he has been caught out. You smile back and look down at your note book and start to doodle, thinking about the Winter Soldier.

He is always on your mind.

You wonder how the mission is going. You have been told he will be back later today, and then tomorrow you will both spend the day catching up on things before finally returning to cryo-freeze the day after. Your catching up will be supplies needed and then closing down your quarters. His will be any training or recovering from injuries, if he has been unlucky. At least during these days you get to see him and you hope he remembers you to the point where he will allow you to share his bed tonight.

 _ _Stefan has known her for a long time; they are friends, but he has taken the sight of her for granted. He doesn't know what made him first notice. Maybe when Caldwell started to recite figures and Stefan's mind started to go numb and he looked at her, really looked. She is bruised but that is nothing new; the Winter Soldier has only been out of cryo for three days, not enough time to know who she is...but then he noticed her clothes. It is the stitching that caught his eye. Her blouse has two lines of stitching that are not part of the pattern and now he thinks about it he has realised her clothes are always shabby, always stitched together and, blushing, he realises why.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier is never gentle.__

 _ _The next day Stefan makes an effort to look at her, at her clothes, and they are all damaged and restitched in some way. Everyone is so focused on making sure the Winter Soldier has what he wants, but who looks after Freya? When did she last have new clothes? When has she ever had new clothes?__

 _ _A memory slides into his mind. Freya is always stealing Caldwell's secretary's elastic bands when she is not looking so that she can tie her hair up. He once saw her rooting about in the bins and pull out an old tablecloth the chef had thrown away and guiltily walk away with it curled in a ball in her hand. Stefan wondered why at the time, but never put two and two together. He is sure now that one of her nightdresses looks remarkably like the same pattern of the table cloth. When he and Jakobs have had to attend her after the Winter Soldier has been too violent, her clothes have always been ripped to shreds. What does she even do for new underwear?__

 _ _It bothers him. The whole treatment of her bothers him. He and Jakobs try to keep an eye on her between them and they have even been able to recruit a few of the guards to keep watch, but he has never thought about the mundane things of everyday life. How does she cope? Where does she get the things she needs?__

 _ _There is a system in place for the Winter Soldier...but what about his Constant?__

 **Three Months Later**

Stefan has been sent on a mission of his own; nothing glamorous, they just need to pick up supplies from a black market dealer in America. A quick in and out. They use him for all sorts of quirky things now.

He is always sent with a bodyguard, named Gregor, who acts as a driver. Stefan is not sure if it is because he needs protection or they don't want him to defect; it is the last thing on his mind. Where would he go?

The meeting goes well, and they are driving back to the rendezvous point when he sees something in the distance.

"Go left...go left," he shouts at Gregor, and the driver obeys - not quite knowing why they are driving into a shopping mall car park. In America they are all over the place; you can't seem to go a mile without passing one.

"How long have we got until we need to be at the strip?" Stefan asks him. They have a plane coming in to pick them up and return them to the base. All under the radar, Hydra has agents everywhere, in every country; it gives them the freedom they need.

Gregor looks at his watch, then back at Stefan. "Three hours. It will take us two to get there."

Stefan grins at him. "How much money have you got?"

He keeps grinning as he gets out and the driver follows him. He is there to make sure nothing happens to Stefan; they have been on quite a few trips together now and he can't help but like the man. Not that he lets it show, but they are comfortable in each others company.

Stefan heads into the mall which turns out to be just one huge shop. He has had an idea. It will get him into trouble with Caldwell, but will be worth it. He has money left from the transaction, emergency funds, and whatever the bodyguard has on him.

It should be more than enough.

It is not until he gets in there though that he realises he may have bitten off more than he can chew. He is in the women's department and it is massive, with so much choice. How do the Americans do it? Where do they get so much merchandise from?

He turns to Gregor.

"Okay, um..." he is at a bit of a loss and it it makes Gregor smile inside.

"If you told me why we are here..." he says, shrugging, and leaving the sentence open.

"We, my friend, are going shopping..." Stefan is looking around.

"For?"

Stefan looks back at him.

"For the Constant, for Freya," and he smiles again.

Gregor looks at him, long and hard and Stefan's smile disappears. The bodyguard seems to make up his mind.

"And what size is she?" he asks and both of them look around again.

"I haven't got a bloody clue," Stefan admits.

Gregor stands for a while looking and then sees something and taking Stefan's arm drags him over to a customer service point. They are the only ones there and Gregor smiles at the lady behind the counter.

In poor English he explains that they are from Bulgaria (Stefan tries not to show that that is news to him but he guesses that it is because Gregor does not want to say they are Russian). He and his friend, he looks at Stefan, and Stefan smiles at the woman, want to buy clothes for Stefan's girlfriend back in Bulgaria but they don't know where to start. Could she help them?

Stefan's smile is infectious. He is one of those non threatening men that women cannot help but like. He reminds everyone of their brothers or sons. The sales assistant smiles back at him and asks the same question as Gregor had.

"What size is she, sir?"

Stefan blinks and makes a gap with his hands "Her waist is about this size and...she's tall." It is obvious he doesn't know.

The woman makes up her mind. She is a sucker for helpless men, especially when they are accompanied by a huge gorgeous man like Gregor, and although she has always been wary of foreigners, she loves the accent.

Gregor will come out of the transaction with her telephone number.

She emerges from behind the counter. "Is she my size?" she asks. Stefan looks at her and shakes his head.

"Okay, if you look around, can you see any women that appear to be like her?"

Stefan does, no luck until Gregor kicks him and nods in a certain direction. There is a shop assistant who looks to be about the same; a bit shorter but a good enough match.

"Ah, that's Mandy, let me see if she is free," the woman goes over and talks with the girl and then brings her back. "Mandy will go with you; just show her what you are after and she will point you in the right direction size-wise." She smiles at Stefan, then looks at Gregor who beams at her. She blushes.

Mandy leads them over to the middle of the clothes and asks what it is Stefan wants for his girlfriend.

"Everything," he says simply.

"And we only have 45 minutes," Gregor reminds him.

She looks at them, startled, but her friend is right: they have the most gorgeous accents she has ever heard and they are both so cute.

"Okay," she says. "Lets go."

Fifty minutes later, the two men emerge loaded up with bags. They have blouses, tops, skirts, jeans, jumpers, night dresses, multipacks of underwear (despite everything, this made them blush), tights, stockings, and whatever it is that holds stockings up. Choosing a bra size was hit and miss but he thinks if they have got it wrong Freya can alter them. Then a hairbrush, a bag of something called __scrunchies__ and hair bands, two pairs of one-size-fits-all slippers, socks of various sizes and colours, and finally some soaps and shampoo that Gregor threw in one of the baskets from beside the till.

Whats more they haven't even spent all the cash they had on them.

Both men are a bit overwhelmed, but they load it all in the car and drive away. Gregor knows he will never ring the telephone number the women has given him...but he will keep it just in case. The shopping trip has done them both good.

When they get back to base Stefan knows he needs to play it right with Caldwell, but he also knows that honesty is the best policy. Freya and the Winter Soldier are in cryo-freeze with no solid date for when they will next be let out.

Stefan requests a meeting in Freya's quarters with Caldwell. Stefan has never sought out an audience with Caldwell, and he is intrigued.

"I want to show you something," Stefan says, unlocking the door and stepping into the shared quarters.

He takes Caldwell over to the wardrobe and shows him the clothes in there for the Winter Soldier.

"Hmm," says Caldwell. "I don't understand what it is you are getting at here," he thinks he must be missing something. He is.

Stefan opens the other wardrobe, and shows him Freya's clothes: three careworn blouses, two skirts, her nurses uniform. Then he takes him over to the drawers and, feeling slightly guilty, opens them showing Caldwell the patched underwear, the two nightdresses - one of which, he explains, is made from an old tablecloth.

"Every time the Winter Soldier... _ _assaults__ her, he tears her clothes. She has hardly anything as it is, she tries to make do with what she has," he says.

Caldwell runs his hand over his face. "You brought me here to talk about wardrobes?"

It takes Stefan a while to make Caldwell understand. In the end Caldwell holds up his hand. "I'll talk to my secretary about it, we'll get her some...things."

Stefan coughs. "Well, sir, I had the opportunity to get some and took the chance. I know it was wrong not to ask you up front but...well, to be honest, no-one else cares and it __was__ a spur of the moment opportunity."

Caldwell looks at him and Stefan says nothing. He has done all the explaining he can.

"Do I want to know?" Caldwell asks, looking grim...when inside he is finding the situation amusing.

Stefan blinks and then shakes his head. "Hmm...next time ask my secretary...no, better still, talk to my secretary and tell her to set up some sort of...budget or something so Freya can ask her for what she needs...and you..." he points at Stefan, "don't go behind my back again, understand?"

Stefan nods, wide-eyed. For a moment there he was worried he had over played his hand.

 **Ten Months Later**

You have been brought out from cryo-freeze, and you head back to your quarters, your head hurting, but slowly coming around. They will wake the Winter Soldier tomorrow. Stefan has insisted that you need to sleep. He is grinning at you, but you are not sure why and you assume it is because he is glad to see you. He even gives you a hug.

You let yourself in and as usual someone has aired the room, opened the patio door, filled the cupboards with food. You are so tired you fall into bed and are asleep in minutes, and for eight hours you are oblivious to the world around you.

Once you wake you feel better, you swallow your tablets and open your wardrobe to put your clothes out for tomorrow. Then you will shower, change into a nightdress and sleep again.

Instead, you do a double take.

The wardrobe is full of clothes you have never seen before. There are v-neck tops in all colours, new skirts, a pair of what appear to be blue hard wearing trousers - the label calls them jeans - new blouses. Nothing is torn, nothing needs to be repaired. You cannot believe it. Turning, you go over to your drawers and find the same there: new underwear, bras, socks, packs of stockings and something called tights. In the bottom drawer are new nightdresses.

You can't help but feel excited. You have never seen anything like it: never seen so many clothes in one place, and you go back to the wardrobe running your hand over the soft materials. Who did this? Who put them all there? What do you wear first?

You choose an outfit. Blue skirt, a lighter blue blouse, and after your shower you dress in new underwear and one of the new nightdresses then, exhausted, you fall back into bed again and sleep. When you wake the next morning you think you may have dreamt about the new clothes but no, they are still hung there and for the first time in a long time you smile. It isn't just the pleasure of finding the new clothes. It is because someone somewhere has thought about __you__. You don't know who, but they will never fully understand how much this has meant to you. No more stealing odds and sods here and there to try and keep the clothes going that you had.

Later, Caldwell's secretary comes to see you and you ask her if she is responsible. She smiles because she likes you and says no, then she asks if you can't guess and with that you know it must have something to do with Stefan. It is the type of person he is. Thoughtful. You are so glad to have a friend like him; you feel blessed. She explains that there is now an account set up for you for anything you need, you just need to let her know and it will be organised.

You then go to see Stefan. They are waking the Winter Soldier up later and you know you will not be able to thank him then; it will be days before you and he can talk without the Winter Soldier suspecting something that is not true.

He blushes when you hug him and promises he is always here for you, and you both cry because to have friends is a truly wonderful thing in life and it means so much to you both.

"Come on now! A right couple we are! We'd better go and see what's happening," he smiles and then kisses you on the cheek. You look at him and nod. For the first time you notice he has grey in his hair and you wonder when that happened. He is always here for you and yet you spend most of the time asleep when he may need your help.

It's as if he reads your mind. "Stop worrying, will you." He squeezes your hand. You nod and duck your head.

For the first time ever it is occurring to you that both you and the Winter Soldier are being left behind in the ageing process. Your friends and colleagues are getting older and they are changing and so is the world outside. It is daunting and it is a thought you tuck away for another time because right now you don't want to think about it, right now you feel happy and you want that feeling to last for as long as it can.


	41. Chapter 41 - Who Is He?

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Forty-One: The Winter Soldier - Who is he?****

His ears are buzzing and he feels like he is waking up from a long sleep. His bones feel cold, but the room around him is warm. At first he thinks he is lying down but as he becomes more aware he feels what he thought was a table, changing and swinging upwards until he is sat in a chair and he can hear a voice counting down to one.

His heart starts to beat faster as new sounds come to him and his metal hand clasps the chair arm tightly. He feels slightly nauseous. His body tenses. He tries to remember where he is and as he listens to the voices he is trying to get his bearings getting ready to open his eyes. He is trying to work out how many people there are, where they are in the room, and if necessary getting ready to take them all down. He knows that his body isn't strong enough but he feels the strength ebbing back into it.

But then he feels someone place their hand over his right one; soft, warm, and somehow comforting.

As he opens his eyes the light burns them and he has to close them again. He is aware of someone sitting on his right, leaning towards him, a woman. He can smell her delicate perfume, feel her hand on his and hear her voice through the buzz in his ears. He feels light-headed, and knows he is not quite ready enough to stand up.

"Just take a few deep breathes. It's all right. You're just coming around from cryo-freeze. Everything will begin to seem normal in a minute or two," her voice is gentle, caring and steadies his heart and he begins to feel calmer.

There are other voices now, in Russian, calling numbers out: heart rates, body temperature. He knows somehow that those are __his__ readings. He starts to breathe more deeply to calm his heart and he feels her move her hand so that she is holding his, the thumb stroking his palm. As if it is just the two of them alone.

She spoke to him in English.

He opens his eyes and sees her smile. It is one of relief, and although he does not know immediately who she is, he knows she cares and nothing bad will happen to him whilst she is here. This puzzles him. She does not look that strong and he is well able to look after himself.

"He's awake now," someone calls and he looks around. He is in some sort of lab, machines and dials all over the place, men walking around with clip boards, seemingly busy. Several hover the other side of him.

"How are you feeling?" the woman asks.

He looks back at her: big blue eyes, long lashes, her fringe and bangs framing her face. There is absolutely no danger in her whatsoever.

He nods, not trusting his voice yet; his mouth is too dry. She releases his hand and he sees she has a beaker of water next to her which she hands to him so he can drink.

Can she read his mind?

He is dressed in just combat trousers and boots, his chest bare, but the room is warming him up. He feels vulnerable without full clothing on, as if he is subject to their decisions.

As he listens to what is going on around him it seems to become more familiar and parts of his memories start to flood his mind. He is in an underground research facility...no, not research, something else. It is here for him. The Winter Soldier, and when he remembers that name he remembers who he is.

He is no-one.

She sees it in his eyes and stands up, she is tall for a woman, five foot ten or thereabouts. She turns to talk to one of the doctors and he knows she will have her hair braided at the back in a plait as thick as his wrist, but he doesn't remember how he knows this. The word __sable__ comes to mind and again he doesn't know why; her hair is a mixture of flaxen and ash blonds. Another memory comes into his mind, shouldn't she have short blond hair? No he is thinking of someone else, a man, but the memory is too fleeting to catch on to and hold.

The doctor passes her a black tee shirt. Then she turns back to him.

"You can put this on when you're ready to stand up. I need to go now but I'll see you later." He can see she wants to say more but something is holding her back. She places the tee shirt on his lap. He gets the feeling that if they were alone she would have leant forward and kissed him and it causes a stirring in his groin.

He doesn't say anything; his mind still trying to fill in the blanks. He watches her leave and then he is alone with the scientists.

 _ _Freya. Her name is Freya. She is here for me. Always for me.__

They keep him sat there for ten more minutes and he uses this time to get his bearings, study the doctors and look around the room. He knows the Russian language but doesn't follow all that they say because it is of no interest to him.

His ears have stopped buzzing and he no longer feels light-headed, but now he is feeling a slight impatience. He doesn't want to be here, he has things to do...but he doesn't know what. His leg starts jigging up and down and when the doctors see him doing that they know it is time to move him; they do not want him losing his temper in here with them. They know what his impatience can be like and they can spot the danger signs with ease.

He stands up and for a moment thinks the world is going to spin but it doesn't. His face is impassive - his eyes blank. One of the doctors has just opened the door and called out to someone else.

As the Winter Soldier puts on his shirt another man comes in.

For some reason he was expecting a different man. Why? He catches a vague shadow, the man with blond hair, but again he can't catch the thought.

He instinctively knows he must go with this man for the next stage of whatever it is he is going through. It is so ingrained in him that he does not even realise he doesn't have a choice.

As he moves to the door he catches a glimpse of himself in the reflective glass and looks away. He doesn't want to see.

When he quits the room he is in a long corridor, and there are two guards with guns. He studies them and sees one go pale but they are of no interest to him so he turns away and follows the other man. The guards follow behind. They do not encounter anyone else. Whenever they move the Winter Soldier after cryo freeze they ensure the corridors remain clear until after he has been programmed.

Their booted feet ring down the long concrete tunnel and he can feel the cold seeping in down here. The lights are yellow and everything seems a little unreal.

No one talks to him.

They reach a set of doors, the man turns and nods to the guards. They take up their posts either side of the door, and the man and the Winter Soldier go in. Once the doors close they are locked; the guards have never been inside. It is rare for people to be invited in and most people would not want to go. This is where they programme the Winter Soldier and there are times when they have heard him scream in agony.

Five hours later when he comes out he cannot remember anything that went on in the room; his mind is blank of those details, and so are his feelings.

He knows his mission. He knows the training he will need to fulfil that mission and that is all that is in his mind.

His ears are buzzing again and when he first leaves the room his co-ordination is slightly out of sync, as if he is drunk. He hits the wall and stops for a moment whilst the dizziness abates; he can feel the cold stone against his hot body and for a moment he closes his eyes against the lights. The guards know to expect this and give him time before delivering him to his next port of call. By the time they get him to the lift he is walking properly but they do notice one of his eyes is bloodshot and there is a trickle of blood from his ear. They do nothing about it; that will be his Constant's job.

He watches the door as they go up in the lift. His head is hurting badly, his body feels as if it needs sugar, and very soon he will get that shaky feeling as though he has gone without food for too long. He also needs water.

The lift stops and they exit into another corridor, but this is not underground and he can smell fresh air and the light is different. They march him along a corridor and he knows where he is going: his quarters.

One of the guards knocks on the door and it is opened by the woman from earlier and she opens it wider so he can enter, she nods at the guards and they take up their posts outside the rooms. The rooms are only guarded for the next six hours, by then they will know if the programming has held, if the Winter Soldier is ready for the next phase.

He looks around. The place is familiar.

It is a large carpeted room, on his right is a table with documents and a typewriter on it, chairs; this is obviously where she was seated before he arrived. A cupboard against the wall with a long mirror attached to the side of it. The corner of the room and then next a single bed made up, a small cabinet and lamp next to it, leading to an open door which he can see leads to a paved area outside. After the doorway a small kitchenette area with a table. On it he can see hot soup and bread and she has gone to fetch a drink of water for him.

On his left is a double bed with two bedside cabinets and lamps, then a couple of easy chairs, and a closed door leading off to a bathroom and toilet area. Against the wall with the main door he is standing next to, appears to be a wardrobe.

In three places around the room are what appear to be alarm buttons, and a clock is sat up over the table in the kitchen. On his bedside cabinet is an alarm clock and a telephone, there is the same on her cabinet next to the single bed.

He looks back and finds she is standing next to him, not in his personal space but close enough that she can see he is tired. She knows the signs. He starts to lean to his left very slightly as if his metal arm is too heavy for him. She is worried about his bloodshot eye and bleeding ear but she knows she has to tread carefully; he doesn't know exactly who she is. His programming has told him she is his chattel. He can no longer remember her name but that is of no consequence, they called her his Constant. She is there to provide anything he needs whether it is clothes, food, or sex, or anything.

"Come and have something to eat and some pain killers and then you can sleep," she says, her voice low and non-threatening.

He walks forward to the kitchen area and sits at the table. He can smell the aroma of the soup and bread and it makes his stomach clench in hunger but he picks up the glass of water first and drains it. She refills it from a jug and hands him some tablets. He takes them and washes them down with more water. His belly is grumbling; it wants the food. As he sits and eats she doesn't know whether to stay and try and get him to eat slower or leave him in peace.

She lays a hand on his and he looks up at her.

"Try not to eat too fast. You haven't eaten in a while and you don't want to bring it all back up." She finds if she gives him a reason for doing something he is much more likely to listen to her.

He looks back at the soup and slows down. The bread is almost gone and she knows she cannot give him any more, not until later when his digestive system has caught up.

When he has finished he sits back and feels exhausted but this is normal, it is a combination of coming out of cryo freeze and programming.

His training for the mission will begin tomorrow but for the rest of the day he will sleep and rest. He feels her near him and turns slightly to look at her, his eyes blank, and he sees her hesitate slightly. She has a cloth in her hand.

"You're bleeding. I just need to clean you up a bit." She tries to smile and he wonders why she looks upset at the thought of him bleeding; after all, she is just a whore they have recruited for him. He doesn't know that she is worried; his headache seems worse than it should.

He says nothing so she leans forward and wipes the blood away from his ear and neck. He doesn't thank her, just gets up and starts to pull his tee shirt over his head. He is so tired, his muscles ache, and he needs to sleep. He walks to the double bed, knowing that it is his. He drops the tee shirt on the floor and unzips his trousers, kicking his boots off at the same time. Then just wearing his shorts he lifts the blankets and sheets and climbs in. He hears her closing the outside door and pulling the curtains so the room is darker. Then she comes up and puts another glass of water on the bedside table for when he wakes. He closes his eyes, the room is quiet, he can hear her moving around. She has gone back to the table and will be writing reports.

He wonders why a whore would be doing paperwork.

Within minutes he is asleep.

When he awakens it takes a couple of moments to remember where he is. His bladder has woken him, he needs the toilet. The room is darker now as evening is approaching and there is no light coming in through the curtains. There is a small lamp on over the other side of the room and light coming under the door from the corridor. It is never totally dark here.

He listens to see if he can hear the woman, but he can't. He reaches over and puts the lamp on, then swings around to get out of bed. He has to take a few moments as dizziness fights his headache for dominance. He hates cryo freeze for the way it messes him up for the first few days, and he doesn't remember that he didn't know that before.

Before he walks to the bathroom door he looks around to see if he is alone and then he sees her. She is lying on top of the single bed, dressed in jeans and a blouse, a book ready to fall to the ground. She is sleeping. He doesn't yet realise she is suffering from the same effects he is; they only woke her a day before him and she doesn't have his stamina or anywhere near the amount of Zola's serum he has in his body.

He knows her. But how does he know her if she is someone they have just got in for him? Perhaps they always use her. She is not pertinent to his mission and so his attention is pulled away by the need to use the bathroom, he goes in, closes the door and puts the light on.

He sees another alarm button in the bathroom. He uses the facilities. There is blood in his urine and a stinging sensation which makes him tetchy. Now he is up he is aware of the pains in his body, the ache of his limbs and bones as if they are under a great pressure, and he is cold again. His head is hurting, almost pulsing and his left arm feels heavy; __maybe it needs recalibrating,__ he thinks.

He tries to reach for the door but his hand misses the knob. He tries again, his co-ordination is out of sync. He rests his hand against the door frame and his forehead against the coolness of the wood until he feels he has caught up with himself. This time he opens the door and walks into the other room.

She is no longer on her bed but moving around the kitchenette. She hasn't turned on the main light, just the lamps around the room.

He goes over to where she is. He can see by the clock he has been asleep for seven hours. She looks up at him and smiles.

"They are just bringing a more substantial meal if you're up to eating it." Then she looks back down. She is making them hot drinks, and without answering her he almost falls into the seat at the table and rests his head on his hands. It feels so heavy.

She walks over and puts the drinks on the table. It is tea, herbal, they do not like him to have stimulants.

"Some more pain killers for your head," she places two tablets next to the drink and he takes them without question.

He feels her hesitation again and he knows she is wary of him. He wants to tell her to leave him alone; he is feeling even more cranky and unsociable but she knows this.

She knows exactly what to expect.

She steps in closer to him and he then feels her hands on his back and he tenses but before he can turn and shrug her off she starts to massage his neck and he realises that it is helping. She has done this before. She works around his neck, his shoulders, around the metal plating on his left shoulder and then down the sides of his spine. By the time she has finished he is feeling less stiff and he moves to sit up straighter, the pain killers are kicking in as well.

"Are you warm enough?" she asks and he realises he is.

Before he can think of answering there is a knock on the door.

"Ah, supper," she moves over to the door and opens it, talks to someone on the other side and then comes back with a tray which she puts on the table. She goes back, talks to the person on the other side of the door further and then closes the door and joins him again.

He can smell the food now, and his stomach growls again.

"I'm sorry about this but your next lot of cryo tablets," she puts some down in front of him with a glass of water, and then sits down to his right and takes some herself. For a second he wonders why she is taking them but then his attention is pulled away to the food.

"I think it is some kind of macaroni cheese," she says, looking at the plates and sniffing the food. It is a yellow mass of pasta, sauce, and vegetables. Their diet for the time they are out of cryo freeze is carefully planned and contains everything they need: it is not always pleasant but it sustains them and that is what is important.

The Winter Soldier does not care. He is hungry and his mouth is watering and he eats fast again. She pulls her plate towards her and starts eating.

She hasn't finished and she is aware that he is watching her, watching every mouthful she eats. She knows he is still hungry and without saying anything pushes some of her portion on to his plate, he hesitates for a moment and then almost pounces on it. He is always more hungry than she is; it's his body's metabolism. She has started to feel the heat come from him, Zola's serum kicking in and mending any damage done by the cryo freeze and programming processes.

She stands and puts the empty dishes on the side and passes him a bowl full of cut up fruit. She has one too.

"Dessert. Might be something nicer tomorrow, who knows." It's a small joke and he doesn't react, but she wasn't expecting him to.

He eats everything and she offers him some of hers; this time he just shakes his head, he feels full and the tablets are making him feel tired. He had intended to take a shower but now he just wants to climb back into bed and oblivion.

Without saying anything to her he leaves the table and goes back to his bed. He pushes the covers back and sitting on the side he pauses for a moment and rubs his hands through his hair.

"Are you all right?" she asks. She doesn't come too close and it will be a while before she does. He looks up and his eyes are blank but tired.

"It's normal to feel so tired," she says concern in her eyes.

He looks around the room, taking everything in as if he is assessing it, then he looks back at her. His left arm is aching; it is metal but he still feels pain right down to the fingers and without knowing it he is rubbing it with his right hand. His ears are buzzing again and down in his groin he is getting that burning stinging sensation. His eyesight is getting blurry and he feels sick. He can feel the food he has just eaten in his stomach. His mind feels like it is under water, he can't think straight. Who is she, again? Where is he? He feels a tremendous sense of being alone without anyone being there for him as if there should be someone here with him, someone important to him.

She comes a few steps closer and kneels down.

"This is normal, when we come out of cryo freeze our bodies take a while to adjust. Your eyes will water and you will feel like your head is going to explode. The tablets they gave us are to help our body adjust, antibiotics and such like," she tries to smile but he can still see the concern in her eyes. "You need to sleep thats all but if you wake up and you feel sick or in pain just call me, I'm only over there."

She doesn't think he is going to speak and she gets up to move away.

"Who are you?" he asks quietly. She turns around to face him again. "Why do I think I know you?"

There is a sadness in her eyes. He can see she is thinking of what to reply.

"Don't lie to me," he warns.

"I never lie to you. You do know me but you just don't remember yet. You will, though. Now get some sleep before you fall down."

She walks back over to him and as he swings around to get into the bed she lifts the blankets and sheets up. He is so tired now that he doesn't have the strength to argue and is asleep before she reaches over and switches the lamp off.

The next morning he feels a lot better. He knows where he is, knows what he needs to do and after showering she shows him his timetable. He doesn't want to go near her; they told him she is there for anything he needs and when he sees her, he finds he can't help but wonder what her body would feel like under him if he fucked her. He has training and then tomorrow he can leave for his mission. He doesn't want to think like that, the last thing he needs is a hard on and so he doesn't talk to her, doesn't answer any of her questions. When she asks if he knows where he is going he looks at her and grunts.

Just before he leaves, without thinking she puts her hand on his arm and he reacts as if she has burnt him, shrugging her off, hostile.

"How is your head this morning?" she asks.

"Don't touch me," he growls, watching as she steps back.

"I'm sorry," she says.

He leaves her standing alone.

Something is wrong and he doesn't know what. Just an inkling, just a thought. During the day they push him hard and he is used to that: he is a soldier, it is his duty...but every so often he catches himself thinking about things he shouldn't. He has no name, he is no one - but everyone has a name, who is he... _ _no, he mustn't think that.__

 _ _Who am I?__

He pushes the thought out of his mind.

Parts of his mission that should be there clear in his mind are fuzzy. Towards the end of the day other parts of the mission are no longer there and he knows he should report it to them. He could swear that he knew what gun he is to use, what calibre, but now he looks at the range of guns and isn't sure which one to take.

" _ _Barnes__! Get your arse in gear now!" he hears someone shout and he swings around.

No one is looking at him, no one seems to have said anything directed at him. His ears are buzzing and so he puts it down to mishearing. As he turns back he catches a glimpse of someone out of the corner of his eyes but when he goes to look again there is no one there.

"I'm tired," he murmurs. "That's all it is, no need to report it."

Just by thinking this, he is going against his programming.

He returns to his quarters earlier than he should, and they allow him because they can see the pain in his eyes, they know he suffers from migraines and if they push too hard it will get worse. They send him back, tell him to rest. They need him ready for tomorrow.

When he arrives he finds the woman is curled up on her bed asleep. He wants to stay as far away from her as possible. He shucks of his clothes and gets into the shower, letting the warm water relax his sore muscles. Another period of sleep and the effects of the cryo freeze will have worn off, his mind will be more focused, and he will be ready to send out.

That is what normally happens.

After the shower he stands drying his hair in the bathroom with a towel, and then combs it back but as he does he catches a glimpse of something in the mirror and it pulls his attention towards it. The face in the mirror with the hair slicked back reminds him of someone; he knows the face it is familiar, it is him... but it can't be, he is no one.

He looks closer and sees a flash of someone else standing next to him, he looks to his side but there is no one there. He looks back at the mirror. His head is beginning to hurt, he gets the flash again but doesn't turn. Instead he concentrates on the picture in the mirror and he sees a young blond boy...no, wait, he is much older, a young man, with the physique of a boy.

The more he tries to concentrates the worse his head becomes until his nose begins to trickle blood but he wants to know who the young man is, he needs to know, he feels it is important.

 _ _He has bled like this before.__ A flash goes through his mind of him standing in a gym, but not the one here at the camp.

He is stood in a boxing ring, gloves on. In front of him is the small blond-haired man.

" _ _Aw, Buck, sorry,"__ he hears the young man say and without realising it he murmurs his response.

" _ _Don't apologise! It's good you finally managed to hit something!"__

The man has bloodied his nose. He has been teaching him how to box and he feels a sense of achievement even though his nose hurts like fuck. The young man shuffles about as if embarrassed.

"Who are you?" he whispers, and as he does the young man fades and so does the memory and he is alone in the bathroom. His head still hurts but the nose bleed has stopped. He cleans himself up and with a last look in the mirror he leaves the bathroom.

He needs to know who the man is. He feels there is a sense of importance there.

Would she know?

She is still asleep on her bed and he stands there looking down at her. Who is she? He feels that there is another memory just teetering on the edge but the ache in his head is keeping him from remembering.

As he goes to turn away he sees she is holding something to her; it is one of his tee shirts.

Why would she be doing that if he doesn't mean anything to her?

Suddenly out of nowhere another memory surfaces.

He is kneeling on a tiled floor, crying. She is with him, holding him and trying to talk to him; he is heartbroken. He is trying to hold her properly but he can't: he has no left arm, just a stub. For a moment it makes another memory flash into his mind, something so horrible he doesn't want to hold on to it so he returns to the memory he already has.

But why? Why are they there? Why is he crying? Why does he feel so bad? He has lost something...no, someone. The pain in his chest feels like a dagger is screwing into his heart, he feels sick.

She has a large bruise coming up on her cheek and he knows he put it there. She is dressed in a khaki dress, a uniform, a nurse's uniform.

She keeps telling him she is sorry.

He keeps staring at her, willing the memories to return as he chases them in his mind, trying to ignore the headache which is getting worse again and then he remembers a name.

"Steve." He doesn't realise it but he has said it out loud. He has to know, he has to find out so he bends down and shakes her awake.

"Steve. Who is Steve?" he growls as she wakens, her eyes opening wide in alarm when she hears his question, sees him standing over her.

"Who is Steve?" his voice is louder this time, impatient.

" _ _Was that your Steve?"__ He hears the echo of her question in his mind. That is what she asked him, then he hears her next words, " _ _I'm so sorry. I didn't know he had died, I'm so sorry."__ A terrible ache hits him.

"Tell me..." His hand is on her shoulder, pulling her up, squeezing so hard that he is bruising her flesh.

The alarm and fear showing on her face stops him in his tracks. She shakes her head __no.__

"Tell me," he says through gritted teeth. His head now is pulsating with the pain and his nose begins to bleed again. She moves to get out of bed, to stop the blood, to help him - but he wants to know the answer to his question.

"Steve is the blond man I keep seeing, isn't he. Who is he?"

But then a bolt of pain hits him as a solid memory surfaces and it is so bad he releases her, staggers backwards, and then falls to his knees clutching his head.

 _ _He is stood high on a mountain with a group of other men. The blond man is there but somehow different, taller, bigger in build. He is standing next to the Winter Soldier. No. He isn't the Winter Soldier: he is someone else, he has a name.__

 _ _It is cold and the snow is light but making his hands freeze. He shivers.__

 _ _They are looking down a long steep zip line and he is talking to Steve.__

" _ _Remember when I made you ride the Cyclone on Coney Island?"__

" _ _Yeah, and I threw up?"__

" _ _This isn't payback, is it?"__

 _ _And Steve looks at him, grinning.__

" _ _Now why would I do that?"__

The woman is trying to talk to him, trying to get him to lower his hands from his head, but the pain is immense. Even so he wants to hear Steve say his name. He wants to know who he is.

 _ _And then he is somewhere else, looking up at a huge fairground ride, so tall, the framework curving up and down, the word Cyclone on the side in huge lettering and Steve is beside him but back to his former smaller self.__

" _ _Buck I really don't think this is a good idea..."__

" _ _Aw come on Steve, my treat, not chicken are ya?" He is pulling Steve over to the booth so he can buy them both tickets.__

 _ _The noise in the fun park is tremendous, people screaming but enjoying themselves on the rides. He can smell sea air, and the sun is bright. Then he is pulling a metal bar to keep them in the seat and Steve is having trouble, he already looks green, and for the first time Bucky thinks he may have pushed him a bit too far.__

" _ _Hey," he says, "we can get off if you want."__

" _ _Nah. Can't have you think I'm chicken but if I'm sick it's you who'll suffer. Hope that's not a new shirt Buck otherwise your Mom is going to be furious," and that really wipes the smile off Bucky's face.__

 _ _Bucky.__

"My name is Bucky," the Winter Soldier murmurs to himself and doesn't see the panic on the woman's face. Doesn't hear what she is saying to him.

He is locked in the past.

 **...**

You stare at the Winter Soldier in horror.

What do you do? If you hit the button and call the doctors they will wipe him. You know he would not want that: these are James's __memories__ , you do not want them to take them away from him. What has happened? Has his programming broken down? Did it not take properly? As your mind fights with what to do he lies there and you can see the pain in his eyes, hear him murmuring and then he says his name is Bucky and your heart drops.

"James," you say very quietly but he can't hear you.

After all this time. But what do you do?

His body is taken by another bout of pain and his whole face contorts as his mind struggles with memories all trying to surface at once. Then the decision is taken out of your hands as his eyes disappear into the back of his head, his hands clench and he falls backwards, his body beginning to fit.

You jump up and hit the alarm which immediately begins blaring out, then you are back down next to him. His teeth are clenched and he is foaming at the mouth, his whole body is convulsing, he is grunting and his eyes are now closed but you can see rapid eye movement under the lids.

The door flies open and two guards come in. One kneels down beside you.

"Doctors are on their way," he says.

"Pass me a pillow," you say and after a moment's hesitation he passes his gun to the other guard and does as you say.

But the fit is over in seconds. The Winter Soldier's body has started to loosen, the convulsions have started to cease, his breathing starts to calm.

"Can you help me turn him over onto this side?" And that is what you are doing when Jakobs and Taffeteer arrive.

You give a brief synopsis of what happened, but you do not tell them about what he said.

"His headaches have seemed worse this time out of cryo." Luckily enough, you had already reported this to them that morning.

Whilst Jakobs is taking his pulse and counting, you tell Taffeteer how long the fit lasted for. He pulls back the Winter Soldiers eyelids, his eyes are bloodshot but not moving now.

"What about this nose bleed?" he asks and you tell him it started after he had complained about the severe pain in his head.

You all start when you feel the Winter Soldier move of his own volition. His eyes open. He groans and tries to sit up.

 **...**

"Hang on there a minute," he hears the doctor say and he allows himself to be pushed gently back down onto the ground.

He has no idea of why he is on the floor or how he got there.

The doctor shines a light in his eyes and he wants to tell him to fuck off but he knows he can't. He must always do what the doctors tell him to do. He sees the woman to the left of him. She looks frightened, her eyes wide, totally focused on him.

He turns back to the doctor. "What happened?" he asks groggily.

"We were hoping you could tell us," the doctor says, "What do you remember happening?"

 _ _Nothing - he doesn't remember anything.__

The Winter Soldier tries to think for a moment.

"I was in the bathroom, I'd had a shower and then..." then nothing, there is no memory there at all until he woke up on the floor with everyone around him.

He puts a hand up to his face and wipes away the blood and then looks at his hand.

"Come on, let's get you up and have a proper look at you. Freya, can you help?" Taffeteer says.

The woman places her hand under his left arm and the doctor under his right and he wants to tell them he doesn't need their help to stand but as they get him up and sit him on the edge of the bed he realises he does. The room spins and he feels a little nauseous.

"How's your head?" she asks and he looks up at her and sees the concern in her eyes.

He nods. "Okay," and she smiles but deep in her eyes he can see fear.

Why?

They run a physical examination and he seems all right. They can delay the mission for one more day and so the next day they run tests and test his programming. They cannot find any problems and Caldwell decides to send him out.

The mission goes well. No problems.

 **...**

 _ _Caldwell stares at the report in his hand. Does he take action or does he let it go for now? He rereads the transcript from the recording from the Winter Soldier's room. He has always been against placing a camera in there but the room has always been wired. When asked what had happened she made no mention of the Winter Soldier asking her who the blond haired man was, who Steve is, and they think they can hear her calling him James.__

 _ _He sits there, debating the pro's and con's. Do they let her know that they know what she hid from them? But that would tip her off to the fact they know everything that goes on in the Winter Soldier's quarters. The most important question of course is, would she have told the Winter Soldier what he asked?__

 _ _So many questions. They had become complacent with Freya Bowman and the Winter Soldier, believed both of them were fully under their control. Things would need to be tightened, they would both need to be watched specially to ensure that this type of thing didn't happen again.__

 _ _Meanwhile, a new in depth programming needs to be created. He will authorise a deeper wipe from now on, technology has moved on from the old days, more can be done.__

 _ _For now he files the report away.__


	42. Chapter 42 - The Mirror

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. This chapter has a high sexual content.**

 ** **Chapter Forty-Two: The Constant & The Winter Soldier - The Mirror****

He is there when you return to your room. It has been a long day; he has been training and you have been running schedules. You are tired. This is only your third day together. He still does not know you yet.

Strangely, he is sitting on the edge of your bed instead of his own. You wonder if something is wrong. You approach him. He watches you and smiles. It is not a nice smile, it is a smile that makes you go cold to your very bones.

You want to turn and run...but what is the use. Where would you go? Nowhere.

He grabs your wrist and pulls you closer to him. When he is in these moods you can't read him; can't predict what he is going to do. He pulls you down to him and kisses your lips hard, then turns you around so you are sat between his legs, perched on the edge of the bed. He moves back slightly so you don't fall off. His grip is strong.

You're confused. What game is he playing now? Why sit here?

And then you look up and realise.

Opposite on the wall is the full length mirror. He is watching you to see your reaction. Your eyes meet his.

"Please don't," you say, the tiredness showing in your voice.

He lifts your plait and brings it forward and releases your hair, running the end of it down his cheek, watching you the whole time. He lets your hair go.

He has trapped your legs by putting his ankles over yours. You try to rise but he won't let you. He moves the hair away from your neck and kisses you, then nips you and you feel the familiar stirring low down in your stomach.

If only you could hate him.

If only you didn't have that knot of want for him in the pit of your stomach.

"Please," you repeat. "I'm tired."

He looks up at your reflection in the mirror.

"You said you were always here for me," he whispers in your ear, using your own words against you, and then bites gently and his right hand slides up your leg under your skirt.

What can you say? Nothing. You are beginning to lose yourself already to his touch.

Your skirt is short and he pulls it up so he can see your suspenders. He also wants to see the star he marked you with, the one he saw earlier, the one that means you belong to him and only him. In the mirror you watch his eyes looking at you, looking at your body as he uncovers it. His eyes are difficult to read. Is he just playing with you?

His metal hand unbuttons your blouse and then disappears inside, and he moves the material away so he can see your bra. He pushes the strap down and releases your breast. His hand closes over it and you feel the coldness of the metal; it makes your nipple hard and you want to groan.

His other hand strokes the soft flesh at the top of your leg, outlining the star, and then works its way down the fabric of your pants.

"Look in the mirror," he whispers - but you don't. Slowly the metal hand squeezes and you feel the pain. "Look in the mirror."

You give in. You always do when it comes to the Winter Soldier. He is looking at you, directly into your eyes. The fabric of your pants is damp and his hand moves up the material to the top, you want him to stop but you also want him to continue.

Slowly his fingers draw the material down and he readjusts his seating so he can get his hand in further. His legs draw yours wider. His metal hand relaxes its grip on your breast. You know he can feel everything with that hand and he starts to gently roll your nipple between two of the fingers.

You feel sick. You feel desperate as the fingers between your legs slide down and into you.

"You're wet," he whispers, looking straight into your eyes in the mirror again, seeing the blackness in them turning to liquid. He knows he has you.

Your mind is blank to everything but the feel of him. His fingers know your hidden places, they know how to turn you into a whore. You lean back against him. He watches you as he sees the need and want in your eyes and you moan as he goes deeper. He kisses along your neck and shoulder but his eyes are watching both of you in the mirror. You see that smile on his face: oh God, you know he is going to hurt you but you don't care, you just want him to carry on and you can't help but beg him not to stop.

He doesn't. He can feel the heat on your body rise and feel the sheen of sweat, it fascinates him as to what he can do to you, to see how he can control you. To test you he goes to pull his fingers out of you and you reach down and hold his hand and make his fingers slide back in deeper and you leave your hand there. He knows you are so close and his metal hand goes back to stroking your breast and squeezing, and as you come he bites deep down into your neck and when you cry out neither of you know if it is in pain or want, or both.

You fall back into him.

Your whole body is sweating. Your legs are weak. He slowly moves his hand away and you can smell your sex and it shames you. He is still watching you in the mirror: your reactions, everything about you. There is a small trickle of blood running down your shoulder and you know tomorrow there will be a nasty bruise there; he has bitten you before.

You wonder if it is over, but it isn't.

"My turn now," he says to your reflection and he sees your eyes widen. Watching you in the mirror has wormed its way inside him, he wants your mouth on him so badly. His legs release yours and he turns you around and forces you down, onto your knees.

You want to cry: you ache, you feel so sore. You feel sick from seeing your own reflection, from seeing what you have become.

"Look at me," he says and you do. He studies your eyes, your face; his metal hand strokes through your hair. He loves the feel of it. Then he brings his other hand up, his fingers still wet from being inside you and you realise he is going to put them in his mouth to taste you. Your stomach turns.

"No," you say, pushing back his hand. You can't watch him do that. If you do, you will be sick.

He smirks as if he can't believe you have stopped him, but then you see his eyes widen and you feel his metal hand slip from your hair to the back of your neck and he holds you in a tight grip. Then you whimper as he offers you his fingers.

You shake your head. You can't do it.

"Please, no...I can't. Please," but instead of listening to you he starts to force his fingers into your mouth, his metal grip pushing your head forward so that you can't escape. You gag.

"Don't," he warns, so very quietly, pushing them in further. "Now suck," he says.

The taste and smell fills your mouth and tears are rolling down your cheek. He draws his fingers over your tongue and then around the inside of your mouth. Your mouth is full of your own taste and you think you are going to be sick; you are trying to breathe through your nose.

His eyes are on your face, on your mouth, watching until finally he takes his fingers away and then his metal arm lifts you up slightly higher and his mouth clamps onto yours so hard his teeth bruise your lips.

His tongue invades your mouth and licks your tongue and all the places his fingers have been until finally all you can taste is him. Then you feel his grip loosen and he lets you pull away. He leans forward and licks the small trickle of blood from your shoulder. He is still smirking. You are his, you must always do what he says, and you shouldn't forget that. He likes the control he has over you.

He lets go of you and you wipe your hand across your mouth and lean away from him. You are trying to breathe deeply because you still feel nauseous.

He is wearing his normal combat trousers and black tee shirt. He undoes his zip and scoots back so he can open them just enough to do the job; he adjusts his shorts and you can see how hard he is. He reaches out to you, wraps some of your hair around his metal hand and pulls it to his face and smells it. You cannot see the mirror now, but he can and his stomach wavers as he thinks about how he is going to see everything you do to him.

He lifts your chin and bends to kiss your lips, forcing his tongue into your mouth again and he curls more of your hair hair tight around his fist.

Then he lets your chin go.

"Suck me off," he breathes and you swallow, hard. You lean forward and try to forget everything and just concentrate on his pleasure. You feel like a back-street whore. Is this how he sees you? You wrap your hand around his shaft, meaning to bend your mouth to it but he has misinterpreted your move.

"Use your mouth. Not your hand," he growls and pushes your head down towards him. You open your mouth and take the first inch of him in, slowly, you run your tongue over the top of his cock and the slit, already tasting the liquid there.

He groans and you hear his breath expel.

His hand is holding your hair. He tightens its grip and as he looks down at you he can see the shadows of your breasts inside your open blouse. He is not far from coming after watching himself masturbate you in the mirror and his breathing is harsh. He wants so badly to be deep inside your warm wet mouth and as he looks in the mirror he can see your lips wrapped around him, it is too much and he can't help but push your head down harder, not caring that he may choke you. You panic, but this has happened before and you try to take deep breaths through your nose. You have one hand steadying yourself on his leg and the other buried at the base of his erection.

It is not going to take him long to come so you continue to slide him down your throat, using your tongue to stroke the hardness and you suck. Your hand at the base of his cock tightens and you hear him groan again and he shifts slightly.

"Oh God...oh God..." his voice thick with need and grows louder and then you feel him arch back. Your mouth and throat are full of his semen, warm and salty it floods your mouth and you want to get away but you can't because his hold is too strong. You swallow and try and breathe again as he thrusts into your throat again and again, you feel more of the hot liquid as it slides down, each thrust producing the salty liquid until you think you are going to drown. His hand stays on the back of your head keeping you down on him.

Then slowly you feel him begin to relax. His hand moves and you move upwards, trying as he comes out of your throat into your mouth, to catch all the liquid. You can hear him breathing hard, as if he has just run a marathon. You pull away from his cock. You look up and his eyes are focused on you. He is still hard in your hand and a trickle of white cum runs down the shaft onto your hand still clenched around it.

"Lick it off," he says and pushes your head down again. You do as he says, tears pricking at your eyes. "All of it." And you do until you are sure it has stopped and you feel his shaft begin to soften in your hands.

He lets go of your hair and stands up, towering over you as he adjusts himself, and zips up. You stay kneeling at his feet, you can't move; he is too close to you. He takes one last look in the mirror at the tableaux and then lifts you up by the arm roughly. His other hand grasps your other arm and he looks down at you.

"Look at me," he says.

You can still taste him in your mouth and in your throat. You know you are going to be sick; you can feel it in the depths of your stomach rising up. You swallow hard.

"Look at me." He shakes you.

You do.

He studies you. Why are you such an enigma to him? Why do you have this power over him he wonders, why you? He takes a strand of hair and runs it through his fingers, he can smell your sex on his hand and he can smell his sex on your breath.

He lets go of you and you move backwards to watch as he leaves the room. But at the door he stops and looks back. He is going to say something but he doesn't, just looks at you, his eyes are cold, judgemental. Then he wrenches the door open and it slams shut behind him. He is angry with you again, and you don't know why.

You hear his footsteps receding and you rush to the bathroom just in time. You slam the toilet lid up and vomit into the bowl. When you see the white liquid splattering the porcelain it makes you vomit again and again until you think there is nothing left.

This is the first time ever this has made you feel sick. You can still taste him in your mouth and hysterically you grab your toothbrush and toothpaste and brush your teeth until the gums bleed. The minty taste and foam fills your mouth which makes you retch again, into the sink this time, and you kneel and rest your forehead against the coolness of the porcelain.

Why do you feel so sick? But then in your mind's eye you see your reflection in the mirror, him bent over you kissing your neck, his hand doing God knows what to you between your legs and you feel bile rising up. You remember how he forced his fingers into your mouth, and the taste of yourself.

Your stomach turns again and your mouth waters, warning you that you are going to be sick again. You bring up more bile.

This is what you are now, just his whore. Does he have any feelings for you? Each time they freeze him, each time they wipe him he remembers you as his Constant. But then he comes back from programming time and time again, cold, distant, treating you as a whore, with no respect. He doesn't even __like__ you. He doesn't remember the life you have had together; each time he has to discover you afresh. It varies each time on how long it is before he starts to remember, starts to feel but you keep expecting the day when he looks at you and does not like what he sees, does not like what he remembers.

You get up. You ache all over. There are small drops of blood down your blouse and you look in the mirror at the bite mark. You are going to need antibiotics, the small wound is already red and angry, he went deep this time.

You re-enter the bedroom. You can smell both of you. You throw open the small window and the patio door to try and get some air into the room, banish the scent. Your bed is rumpled and there are a few spots of blood from where he bit you. You start to laugh aloud but your giggles turn to sobs: what is it you find so funny?

Nothing, nothing at all.

You pick up your glass on the night-stand to gulp some water. You know you are getting hysterical. You can feel it bubbling up inside you; you want to weep, you want to scream but another emotion starts to also rise up: anger.

You look around and see yourself in the mirror. What a mess. Your clothes rumpled, dirty, soiled, your hair looks greasy and your face is red and blotchy. There is a hole in your stockings; your blouse hangs open and your skirt is still rucked up.

Something snaps.

You can't help it, you bring your hand back with the glass in it and throw the glass into the mirror to break your reflection, screaming as you do.

"Damn you!" You don't know if you mean you or him.

The corresponding sound of smashing glass stops you in your tracks. You freeze and watch the destruction as if in slow motion.

You look at the damage you have done. The mirror has shattered; some pieces fall down onto the carpet, some pieces remain hanging precariously in the frame which now leans to one side.

You sink to your knees, looking at the destruction and crawl forward trying to pick up the glass and try pressing it back into the frame. The hysteria is still there bubbling inside you coming to the surface.

"No, no, no, no..."

He is going to be so angry with you for ruining his possession. Your heart jumps and the hysteria now has hold of you fully; your mind is not thinking clearly, all you can see is the broken glass and what you have done.

You pick up more pieces trying to get them to fit back into the frame, unaware you are slicing the skin on your hands and knees. Another piece falls to the floor from the frame and suddenly you hear footsteps at the door and watch as the door handle turns and the door opens.

That is how he finds you. Kneeling in the broken glass, holding pieces in your hand. He cannot quite understand what he is seeing and comes forward.

You back away until the wall stops you. He is towering over you. You hold the mirror shards up.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...I'll get the pieces back in..." you are babbling and he can see blood running down from your hands and knees where the glass has cut you.

For a moment he closes his eyes and then opens them again. He kneels down. Your eyes are so wide and big, full of fear, they watch his every move.

He carefully takes the shards out of your hands and throws them to the side, then he gets up, bends down and takes your elbow pulling so you stand up. He feels you trembling.

He takes you through to the bathroom. He can smell vomit and mint; there are stains down your blouse, your eyes are red rimmed, petrified of him, and he grinds his teeth.

You are so tense in his arms and you can feel waves of anger rolling off him. You don't know that the anger isn't directed at you but at himself.

"Please, please, I'm sorry."

He doesn't trust his voice to answer you.

"Get undressed," he says gruffly, and he leaves you so he can switch the shower on.

When he comes back to you, you are naked and still trembling. Blood runs down from a dozen small cuts but he can see there is nothing life-threatening. He can see the speed at which you are breathing, he can see the terror in your eyes, and he wants to punch the wall.

"I...I..." you start to babble again but also your teeth start to chatter and you can't get any more words out.

Your legs start to give way but he catches you and leads you into the shower. You stand there, blinking as the hot water gets in your eyes and down your body. He quickly strips off his top and trousers and joins you. Taking up a sponge he starts to wipe the blood off you, also picking out slivers of glass from your skin.

You stand absolutely still. You don't want to make him any more angry with you.

But then your hands start to flutter at your sides. Are you supposed to help him? Are you supposed to touch him? You don't know what he wants. You put one of your hands on his chest and he stops. You have worked it out, you are a good girl, he wants you to touch him again but as you move your hand down he stops it and stares at you, the water falling around both of you.

You begin to tremble harder. You got it wrong again. He moves and you flinch and he realises you think he is going to hit you.

He clenches your hand in his and raises it to his lips and gently kisses it, then places it back down by your side. You watch every move he makes as if trying to learn something. __Seeing me as some type of dangerous animal,__ he thinks. Your hand moves to touch him again.

"No," he says shaking his head and starts washing you again.

He is assessing the damage as if he would on himself, but he is shying away from your eyes and the wide look of fear. He can never repair the damage he has done there. He knows he will do it again, and that each time you will be a little worse for it.

He stops the shower and brings you out, towels you down. Your eyes never leave his face, looking for clues as to what you are to do. Then from the cupboard he gets a box of plasters and some bandages and does the best he can. He is no nurse and has no proper medical training.

He takes you back into the bedroom and he tells you to put your nightdress on whilst he dresses. You nod several times and do as he says. He is getting worried about the look in your eyes. It's as if you have fallen off a precipice and he doesn't know if you are still in there.

The mess on the floor is still there, but he will clear it up later. He takes you to his bed and tells you to get in. Your mind is blank; you will not even remember some of this. He then gets in and holds you in his arms and tells you to sleep. It makes sense to him. That is what they do with both of you when you need down time, they put you in your metal coffins and tell you to go to sleep. Sweet dreams.

He lays awake, his mind churning. He is not supposed to feel like this. They have told him a million times that if he starts to feel then he must report it, but he will not when it comes to you. He knows he must protect you or they will take you away from him. You are his only possession. The thought of you not being here makes his stomach churn. He doesn't know why, so many blanks in his memory and the more he tries to think the more his head begins to hurt. You murmur in your sleep and his arms tighten around you.

A memory comes out seemingly from nowhere.

You once told him you would give your life for him.

But now he thinks grimly to himself, __does she know it might be my hand that takes it?__


	43. Chapter 43 - Loyalty

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Forty-Three: The Constant & The Winter Soldier - Loyalty****

You don't realise at first; you just slowly become aware of it.

The Winter Soldier is sitting there humming.

You try not to let your shock show. You have never heard him doing this before.

Glancing at him, you realise that he is not even aware of the fact he is doing it.

He is checking one of his guns, making sure it will do its job with no hitches. The tune is one you heard on the guard's radio and you do not know whether to be pleased or frightened. Perhaps a bit of both. The Winter Soldier has been in cryo-freeze, and all that has been taught to him since coming out this time is his assignment and anything he needs to know about this changing world that could affect it.

That tune is one that they have not played since the last time he was out of cryo. Which means he has brought it with him, it was not removed in the last mind wipe.

He becomes aware of you looking at him and returns your gaze.

"Is something wrong?"

He has stopped humming. Was he even aware that he was doing it?

You shake your head and return to what you are doing; he goes back to checking his weapon, silent now. Your mind is spinning.

 _ _He does know he is humming. He wants to see what effect it has on her. Will she tell them?__

 _ _He wants to test a theory that has been coming together in his mind. She makes no move to leave, or to even make an excuse to leave. He raises his eyes looks at her without her knowledge, and he is sure he can see a smile around her lips.__

Leaving for his mission has been delayed for five hours and you are sat in the room you share with the Winter Soldier trying to work, whilst at the same table he is double-checking and cleaning his weapons. You would like to be annoyed, but secretly you are pleased at the extra time you get to spend with him. He has gone quiet. It is just nice to sit and know he is so close.

Until he speaks.

"You don't believe in Hydra, do you?" he asks, although it is not really a question but an observation.

Your blood runs cold.

When he came out of programming he just about remembered who you were, but he has been quiet since and you are aware that you have been catching him looking at you when he doesn't think you will notice.

It has been hard to work him out this time.

You have just watched him clean and reload his gun. He is not looking at you when he asks the question.

Is this a test? Along with his humming the tune?

He finishes up and, still holding the gun, looks at you. The barrel is resting at the level of the table, not actually aimed at you...but close. You can't read what he is thinking, his eyes are blank.

You don't know what to say. You always promised you would not lie to him; he may or may not remember that but you do. So you choose not to say anything and look back at what you are doing.

"I didn't think so," he says and gets up, slots the gun into the back of his trousers. He sits back down again and starts on the next one.

You try to continue with what you are doing and not think about why he asked.

 _ _She passed the test, he thinks. I'm right, she is loyal to me...not them. He had thought so but why? They told him she was tarnished but he doesn't believe them. He saw the look in her eyes when he came back to their shared quarters.__

 _ _Not all of the programming has taken this time. Not enough to matter, not enough to endanger the mission but just enough for him to believe he means something to her. And that she means something to him.__

After he has left, you try to settle and concentrate on what you are doing. Why is it that no matter who the director is you always end up doing the paperwork? You're a nurse, not a secretary. For a moment you stop and look around; you miss him already and you wonder where they are taking him and how safe he will be.

How many missions have they sent him on now? 15, 20? You lost count after Krupin took over. The time in cryo freeze makes it impossible to know when in the world you are, and you gave up trying to keep track of the years...well, literally __years__ ago.

A commotion in the corridor attracts your attention but before you can get up to see what is happening your door flies open. You jump up but you don't recognise the man and the two soldiers following him. They have on uniforms that you have never seen before. One of the Hydra complex guards follows behind; he has tried to prevent the men from entering.

The older man is smiling at you but it is a cold smile. He shows you an open wallet he has in his hand.

"Vojenské zpravodajství, " he says and you blink. You haven't a clue what he has just said and he realises.

"Military Intelligence," he says closing his wallet.

You stand up to move but then his two soldiers come around and get both sides of you and start to walk you to the door.

"I don't understand," you stutter and at first you don't but then a sick feeling comes into your stomach.

Has he told them? Was the question the Winter Soldier asked you a test for Hydra, not himself?

You know Hydra has infiltrated the KGB. You do not know where this base is situated, what country. It does not take much of a leap to guess that they will have corrupted more intelligence services around the world. You are not sure exactly which one this is but all the personnel seem to be the same the world over. Cold and frightening.

You feel a frisson of fear. Would he really do that to you?

The Hydra guard paled when he saw the badge and heard what the man said. He stands to one side and you look at him for help. He looks away.

You know Caldwell isn't on the base."Please get Marinov!" you say to him but he doesn't look up.

"Where are you taking me? What have I done?" you ask the men but no-one says a word.

You try to get free but their grips are like iron and they march you out to a waiting car. You see very few people on the way, and those you do see stand out of the way - watching. They do not know what is happening but they know who you are. They also seem to recognise the insignia of the men who are with you. They have seen the insignia flag on the bonnet and on the badges on the uniforms of the two soldiers.

You are shoved into the back of the car, and the man gets inside next to you. A soldier climbs in the other side and the remaining one gets in the front and drives you away. When you are out of the gate the soldier next to you turns and grasps your arms. The man slips a blind over your eyes and tells you not to move.

You are a nurse, not a soldier, you do not fight. Growing up in Russia you were taught to do everything you are told...especially if it is by the KGB. It is ingrained. This may not be the KGB, but they act just like it.

You seem to drive for a long time until finally the car stops. There is a conversation with someone and then the car starts again.

By now you are feeling sick and cold. The car stops again and they haul you out and, without removing the blindfold, walk you over what feels like concrete ground but leaves crunch under foot, then up a short flight of steps and you hear a door open.

You are in a building, your footsteps echo. There is a murmur of voices and then it feels like you are on a carpeted floor. A door opens and you are pushed inside.

Finally you are sat down on a hard chair and the blind is removed.

You are in an office. They have sat you one side of a desk. On the desk is paper work; ordinary things; a jug and two glasses.

In the corner on the right is a flag stand and the flag isn't one you recognise. It has a blue triangle then red and white horizontal bands top and bottom.

On the left is a banner. It bears the same insignia as the soldier's uniforms.

A man sits opposite you. He gives you a moment to look around and then stands up, coming to your side. He pours you a glass of water. Your hand is unsteady when you take it, but you are so thirsty. You drink from it.

You put the cup down and hold your hands in your lap.

"Why am I here?" you ask. Your voice is trembling. It is no use pretending you're not frightened - he can see it in your eyes, in the way your hand shakes; he can smell it on you.

He looks at you and then smiles again. It's as if you are two old friends catching up.

"Why do you think you are here?" he asks, speaking in Russian.

"I don't know," you say, but can't hold his eyes and you look down.

He is quiet. You hate silences.

Then he gets up and walks behind you. You want to turn but you can't and you feel him stop behind you.

"Freya...may I call you Freya?" he asks.

You don't reply.

"They call you the Constant do they not? The Winter Soldier speaks highly of you, but..." he leaves the sentence open and you now turn and look at him, your eyes are wide.

So. They have been talking to him.

He smiles down at you. "...But loyalty to Hydra is something that is valued by us. And so, when someone appears less than enthusiastic about us...we tend to get a little concerned."

The Winter Soldier has sold you out.

Deep down you know it is in his programming, but the revelation still hits you hard.

You watch as he walks back to his side of the table and sits down. You are both quiet and you clench your hands in your lap. What will happen now?

"So now, Freya, we just need to find out from you who you are really working for and we can then go on as if nothing has happened."

"Who I'm wor-? I work for Director Caldwell. I don't understand. I don't even know where I am."

"How remiss of me my dear, my apologies. My name is Jonas Reznicek and I work in military intelligence, the Vojenské zpravodajství."

"Does Director Caldwell know I am here?" you ask.

The smile disappears.

"Oh dear. It's going to be a long night," he says, as though you have just disappointed him.

He gets up and opens the door, you hear him talk to the guard and your heart starts to race.

"Ring my wife and tell her I won't be home tonight. Then get Room Three ready." Then, still speaking to the guard, he turns around and looks at you. "I think Freya is going to be with us for a while...tell them to have some dinner ready for me around eleven, please."

He closes the door and then sits down again. You don't take your eyes off him. Your heart is feel sick. He puts his hands on the table and smiles.

"Now Freya, lets start again shall we?"

 _ _The Winter Soldier arrives back at camp forty-eight hours later, mission completed. He needs to be debriefed, then they will allow him a further day then he and Freya will be put back into cryo freeze.__

 _ _He knows there is something wrong when he comes out of the debriefing and sees Stefan is standing waiting for him. He is pale. The Winter Soldier has just been on a mission where he has taken lives and accepted it; it is his programming but when he sees Stefan his stomach drops and fear grabs hold of him. The people with him cannot see this, but it is there.__

" _ _They took her," Stefan says and without thinking grabs his arm. One of the team steps forward but the Winter Soldier shakes his head.__

" _ _They've taken her...just after you left...I didn't see them but it was some type of intelligence agency, no one seems to know which one...they just drove away with her."__

" _ _Freya?" He frowns. That can't be right. Why would they take her? He is having trouble thinking straight, his head is aching from the debrief. His memories of the last forty-eight hours are now fading.__

" _ _Yes, but no one knows why. I can't get hold of Caldwell and I don't know who to contact. His secretary tried phoning headquarters but no one seems to know what is going on."__

 _ _Now the Winter Soldier's heart is racing and the anger inside him is growing. Why would someone take her? It's obvious they waited until he left, otherwise he would never have allowed them to even touch her.__

 _ _They see Doctor Jakobs running up to talk to them. He is unable to speak for a few seconds - age is catching up with him.__

" _ _She..she got hold of Caldwell. He doesn't know anything about it but...he's seeing if he can find out anything and return as soon as he can."__

You don't know how long you have been here. It feels like forever. You think it is probably days. You are in Room Three. They have left you for a moment and you do not move; you are not allowed to move, you mustn't.

He made sure you knew the rules before he started.

Looming over you on the wall in front is a Hydra sign in blood red. You are knelt on the floor in just your underwear. You have not moved from the spot. Your nose has bled and blood has trickled down from your mouth where you were slapped. Bruising covers some parts of your body where you have been punched but it is the fear that is eating you up, the utter desolation of being alone. Your arms are tied behind you with wire which is biting into you cutting of your circulation.

You hear Reznicek returning and start to tremble - and not just because you are cold.

The interrogation has been non-stop. When he has a break another man takes his place, all the time wanting to know who you are working for. What organisation? What country? Are you a sleeper? __I don't even now what a sleeper is__ you cried.

That is something they have not let you do. Sleep. You haven't eaten, you have not left this room since they brought you to it.

"Ah there you are," he says jovially as if you are there by choice, as if you still friends. "Now, lets see. Good girl, you haven't moved." If you had it would have meant another broken finger.

They drew a circle in chalk on the floor and that is where you are to kneel. The first time you moved out of it they broke your little finger. The second time, you were tired, you had not even realised you had moved. They broke your next finger. Since then they have broken one more. You hand pulses with pain. Your back is aching and you cannot feel your legs, but you haven't moved. Not one inch.

"Hmm but..." he runs his hand along your shoulders feeling you tremble. You don't look at him. That is another rule. You can only look up when they say you can. You concentrate on the floor, on nothing else. He strokes your hair and you shudder at his touch. He wants to be able to slap your face again, a slap so hard it feels like your head rings after and your nose bleeds.

"Good girl. You learn so fast! I'm impressed," he says coming around in front of you and reaching for the chair. He pulls it up in front of you.

"Now, look at me," he says quietly and you do.

He leans forward and sweeps your fringe away. He loves to see the look of absolute fear in your eyes.

"My guards have taken quite a liking to you," he says, and smiles. His fingers run over the smooth skin of your cheek, the bruising making the touch hurt more than it should. "If the Winter Soldier has no further use for you and as you won't tell us who you are working for, then I'm afraid I've had to promise them they can have you once I've finished with you."

He smiles. "Of course you are not quite, well...to be honest, not a good catch but well they are not fussy." He sits back as if surprised. "My dear don't look at me like that! I like to be honest with my __business partners.__ Ah...are you worried? When I say __I've__ finished with you I don't mean __sexually.__ You are a bit too... _ _old__ for my liking." Then he leans close and smiles coyly. "Don't tell my wife I said that, will you?"

Your whole body feels dirty, as if insects have crawled over it.

He gets up and puts the chair back against the wall. You pray he is going to let you sit on it but he doesn't.

"Now, back to the guards. I've told them if you haven't told me by tonight then I can't leave it any longer. They can decide between them who goes first," he comes close, very close and bends forwards and takes hold of your hair and pulls - hard.

You nearly fall over.

"Believe me when I say you would rather have a bullet in your head than go with them. They will tear you apart...like wolves with a rabbit...hmm? Tell me what I want to know and it will be a quick painless death, I promise." He releases your hair and that smile appears again. "No? Very determined aren't you my dear?"

You close your eyes and hear him leave.

 _ _Don't move. You must not move.__

You are trying so hard not to think of the Winter Soldier, of James. The man has told you how the Winter Soldier reported you for your disloyalty and how he believes you are working for another organisation. Is it some other government? Who is it?

You cannot lie. You have never been able to.

You think of James and what he has been through. You have heard reports of how they found him in the interrogation camp and his injuries had been so much worse than yours. You believed at the time you had understood what he had gone through but no one tells you of the loneliness and utter isolation you feel. It is even worse when you have been betrayed by the person you love. You do not cry. There are no tears left, just fear and pain.

What can the guards do to you that is worse than what the Winter Soldier has already done?

It is late at night when two guards come into Room Three. One of them has a hood in his hand and although you are not supposed to move the fear in you makes you disobey and you try to escape them. You are no match for them even if you had the use of your legs. They are strong, and experts in what they do.

The hood covers your head, you can see nothing. Your legs are numb from where you have been kneeling, your lower back feels as though it is broken. You are pulled out of the room and along a corridor; they are carrying you between them more than you walking.

There are no sounds and you hear a door being thrown open and then you are pulled out into the night air, the coldness hitting you so you tremble violently. You hear a car engine running and then you are unceremoniously picked up and dumped in the boot whilst the lid is slammed shut.

The car moves. You are thrown about in the boot. Your hands are still tied behind your back and as time goes on you try and move the hood away but it is on too firmly. In the end you lie still. What is the use?

The rocking of the car has almost sent you to sleep when it stops and you hear someone get out. Your heart begins to hammer as they come around to the boot and open it. You can't see anything. Hands reach down and pull you out.

"Follow the track," a voice says to you, and the hood is removed. You blink. Your eyes are cloudy and you cannot understand what is happening. You are on a mud road; you look behind you as the car starts up again and drives away.

You are alone.

You sink to your knees and you sob.

It is nearly dawn. There are trees surrounding the track and you can hear birds singing, which makes you choke. You struggle to stand up, the cold biting into you – you are still just in your underwear. You start to stumble forward, the ruts in the road making you fall to your knees, but you always get up again and carry on.

You don't know how long it is before you can hear noise. Engines running, people shouting and as you come around the bend in the road you cannot believe what you see. It is the camp. You are coming up on the back entrance and as you stumble forward a guard walks out of the guard house to pee and he sees you.

At first he can't work out what he is looking at, but then he recognises you and he shouts to the other guard.

He runs forward and catches you as you fall.

 _ _He says her name and walks forward but she doesn't respond. He can see her trembling increase but she doesn't move. Inside he wants to scream. He clenches his fists and his jaw and sinks down to his knees in front of her. She ducks her head even more making the hair hide her face.__

" _ _Freya," the Winter Soldier says quietly.__

 _ _She tries to shuffle backwards away from him.__

 _ _Stefan moves behind her. He cannot see any life threatening injuries but it is more than obvious she has been hurt both mentally and physically.__

 _ _They told them that her hands were bound behind her; it took them a while to snip the wire to loosen them. There are cuts running down her body, and bruises, it looks like several of her fingers are broken on each hand. Stefan kneels down next to the Winter Soldier. They have found an old coat and wrapped it around her. She cannot stop trembling but she will not look at anyone.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier has moved her hair over her shoulders so he can see her face. It is bruised and there are black shadows under her eyes. She won't look at him. She won't say anything. She won't move towards him.__

 _ _He doesn't know what to do.__

 _ _He wants to hold her, touch her, kiss her, and tell her everything is all right.__

" _ _Freya, who did this to you?" he whispers and tries to hold her but she pulls away from him. He tries to take her chin to tilt her head to make her look at him.__

You try to scuttle back, anywhere, away from him. He puts his hand out again and you lash out at him. You don't want him touching you, you don't want him anywhere near you; the hysteria that has been living under your skin for the last two days threatens to overwhelm you.

"No! No, don't touch me! Leave me alone!" But then you catch sight of Stefan and he sees the sudden hope in your eyes. "Stefan help me...don't let him touch me, please don't let him near me!" You lean towards him and without thinking he takes you in his arms whilst the Winter Soldier looks on in shock.

"He did this! He gave me to them. __He gave me to them,__ " you sob and they hear the utter despair in your voice.

Stefan looks at him and the Winter Soldiers eyes are dark holes, his jaw is clenched.

"It's all right, Freya. Let's get you back to your room. Doctor Jakobs is waiting for us. Can you walk now?" You try to nod.

 _ _The Winter Soldier's thoughts are all over the place. Why won't she go near him? Why was she so frightened of him? Why did she say he gave her to them? To whom?__

 _ _Caldwell is due back soon and someone is going to pay. He hears her ask Stefan again not to let him near her. He watches as they lead her away.__

 _ _Later he returns to their rooms and she is there with Stefan. She is clean, dressed, and they have tended to her wounds.__

 _ _She has told Stefan she was taken by military intelligence, but she doesn't know whose. She was handed over to them by the Winter Soldier for her disloyalty to Hydra.__

 _ _Stefan relays the information to the Winter Soldier. He is stunned. He did no such thing.__

" _ _How can you say that? How can you believe I would do that to you?" he shouts at her. He doesn't think, he is so angry; the tiredness is catching up with him. He wants to hit something. He can't cope with the feelings inside him__.

You cry, you can't help it, it is all you seem to be able to do since they brought you back. You don't feel safe. This was your home and they still took you and hurt you.

And nobody stopped them.

"He told me! He told me you did!" you spit at him. How can he pretend he doesn't know? "He told me exactly what it was you asked me and that when I didn't reply you knew you needed to hand me in! He knew, he knew!"

Only the two of you had been there for that conversation.

"They were going to kill me after...he'd let his guards... _ _use__ me but instead they just...let me go..." you hate the sound of how weak your voice sounds; how self-pitying. But you can't help it.

He turns around and hits the wall, hard, his metal hand going right through it. Then there is a quietness that is just broken by his harsh breathing. He hits it again but there is less force this time.

Then he turns to look at you.

"I didn't tell anyone...I __wouldn't__ tell anyone!"

You can see the truth and pain in his eyes and that makes you cry even more. He comes over and Stefan moves to let him nearer to you. He sits down on the edge of the bed. He takes your hand.

"Please believe me. I wouldn't do this to you."

And you know now he is telling the truth.

"Then how did they know?" you ask "How?"

"I don't know!" His teeth are clenched, and you can see the anger just below the surface. Then you see light dawn in his eyes and he lets go of your hand and stands up. He looks around the room, then starts to prowl, looking at the ceiling and the walls. He picks up things, studies them, throws them back down, feels along the skirting boards, peers into the lamps, switches them on and off. He takes one apart.

You and Stefan watch him. He is like a dog with a scent. He looks around once more. Stefan goes to say something but the Winter Soldier shakes his head, no. Then, dragging a chair over to one of the walls he gets up on it and, using his knife, starts to unscrew one of the air vents. It comes away easily and he drops it to the floor and reaches in.

You hear him say something under his breath as he pulls out a small metal box with two thick wires attached to it. The box will only come out so far so he leaves it dangling on its wires against the wall. He takes out his gun, puts the muzzle next to the tubing on the end of the wire and fires. The noise in close quarters is so loud your ears hurt but it doesn't seem to faze him at all.

"A listening device," he mutters, knowing that he has just blown the ear drums of whoever was at the other end of it.

He pulls hard on the box until it comes loose and takes it over to the table and throws it on there. All this time someone has been listening to everything that has been said and done in this room.

Everything.

" _ _So you are sure there is nothing to worry about?" the man in the car asks looking at his companion.__

 _ _Reznicek leans forward. "Believe me, you have no worries. She is naive soul, and cannot lie to even save her own life. She is not loyal to Hydra and never will be, but she is not working for anyone else either. The Winter Soldier is her life and it is him she is loyal to. That may or may not cause you problems in the future but for now..." he shrugs his shoulders.__

 _ _The man looks at him and then puts his hand out to shake. "Thank you my friend," he says, and Reznicek nods and gets out of the car.__

 _ _Caldwell leans forward. "Back to the camp please," he says to his driver.__

 _ _They had to check, they had to see their investment is safe. It is something he hated to do, but this is war and sometimes in war the innocent must suffer.__

 _ _Now he needs to go back and calm the storm. Of course they will never find out it was Caldwell who ordered the check, and he is sure he can make it up to her in some way.__

 _ _They have blown the cover of the recording operators – as well as the ears drums of two of them - and will need to set something else up in its place but that is part of why he is here. He needs to know what is going on, he needs to set parameters.__

 _ _He will blame the monitoring equipment on the Czech Intelligence Agency. "__ We didn't know. It appears they have listening devices all over the camp. Thank God you found it!" _ _He will rehearse his lines well, the shock of what they tell him when he gets back will be evident on his face. He will appear indignant, angry that one of his people have had to go through what she went through.__ "I will never let it happen again, Freya, this is your home. I will have new checks put in at the gates. No-one will get through no matter what agency they say they work for!"

 _ _But the important thing is they still trust him.__

 _ _And after the wipe the Winter Soldier he will not even remember...but she will. He believes she remembers everything.__

 _ _A new monitoring system will be put in after they have gone back into cryo and without any of the others seeing it happen. Again, he decides against cameras. What happens sometimes in those rooms is personal, he has heard the tapes. No, he decides, audio will be enough. He will even give her a unit she can use to sweep the rooms each time she returns to them after cryo, or whenever she wants to. It won't be on the same frequency but it may give her some peace of mind. What is it his father always used to say?__

 _ _A happy worker is a productive worker.__

 _ _He will keep her happy.__


	44. Chapter 44 - A Week In The Life Of

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Forty-Four: A Week In The Life Of Eduard Marinov****

 **Tuesday**

Eduard Marinov feels his stomach clench as he nears the first checkpoint gate. He has returned to somewhere he doesn't want to be. He has spent the last few days with his wife but has been called back in a whole twenty-four hours earlier than he was due.

Which can only mean one thing. They are bringing the Winter Soldier out of cryo.

Marinov knows Jackson Caldwell will be arriving the following day, and so he knows he will be briefed then. Meanwhile, he will need to make sure everything is running as it should be. He had left his trusted number two, Serge Zolnerowich, in charge so he has no worries there.

He just doesn't want to be back here.

They check his papers on the front gate even though they know him by sight, and he would not expect anything less. He then drives the car into one of the empty bays, removes his bag from the backseat, and throws it in one of the camp's Jeeps. As he passed the first guardhouse, he will have been scanned. The scan will show he has no weapons, no bugs nothing to warrant a break in security. He has one of the top three highest clearances on camp within Hydra yet they still do not fully trust him - because Hydra trusts no-one; not even its own. Not many people know of the advanced security the Hydra camps have; most would be amazed by the technology. But Marinov stopped being amazed a long time ago. Whatever it is that powers this advanced technology frightens him to his very core.

Because Eduard Marinov is not one of Hydra's own and it is luck and perseverance on his part that he has kept it hidden for so long.

About a mile into the camp he hits the second checkpoint. Up to this point the camp has included housing quarters, admin blocks, a cinema, and a small shop which stocks an awful lot of things for everyday life. Many of the same buildings can be found in any military camps all over the word. Even soldiers need the necessary day to day things for living.

Beyond the second checkpoint is where things begin to change. Only Hydra personnel get past this point.

He pulls the Jeep over and two guards emerge to meet him. A third stays in the guardhouse behind a screen of bulletproof glass. Marinov's papers are checked again and he is asked to exit the vehicle. A wand is waved over him whilst another guard checks the Jeep inside and out. It takes about ten minutes in all.

"Good to have you back, sir," one of the guards says as he waves him through.

As he drives through the camp he begins to see the familiar Hydra uniform and insignia, and by the time he pulls in to his parking bay he knows he is home.

Only this will never be home for him.

He grabs his bag and runs up the stairs to the building that houses his office and quarters. The guardhouse have already advised Zolnerowich that Marinov is back, but Eduard phones him from his rooms.

"Give me half an hour and then meet me in my office," Marinov says and then puts the phone down. He is sat on the edge of his single bed and dry wipes his face with his hands. This time yesterday he was with the people he loves and now he is back here. How things can change in just a day.

 **...**

Neither man trusts that Marinov's office is _clean._

After all, both of them are fully aware of the listening posts set up within the camp. They discuss the day to day things that need Marinov's attention now that he is back. He advises Zolnerowich that Caldwell is due to return on the morrow.

The last six years have seen a lot of changes under Caldwell. Changes that for Hydra are for the better. The camp is well-organised; despite Caldwell's young age he knows what he is doing. The Winter Soldier has been pulled out for four successful missions and three training sessions.

Jackson Caldwell also knows how to protect their investment. Each mission and training session is overseen by him. Things may change in the future but to date the same schedule is more or less followed. Caldwell brings the Winter Soldier out forty-eight hours before the mission to assess his health and ensure he has time to get over any debilitation that the cryo or programming may have caused. Once the mission is completed, he is given another one or two days to rest before he is returned to cryo-freeze. During the time before and after he is updated on anything he needs to know.

Caldwell is still often seen on camp even when the Winter Soldier is in cryo. He tries to schedule a weekly meeting with the other camp commanders and Marinov firmly believes not a lot gets past the young American...which is why he and Jakobs have to be so careful.

Caldwell does not believe in waste. Often, the personnel on Project Winter Soldier are used on other projects and tasks when their soldier is asleep; with the exception of the cryo team whom Stefan works with. That team is always required to have someone on duty in cryo to keep watch on their charges. But others such as the guards, the programming team and the technicians have other things to do. Duties can range from helping out on other projects, updating services, electronics, keeping everything running and organised. The camp is like a well oiled machine.

Marinov has overall control of all the guards used on this part of the Hydra camp. His team are used in the rota which covers all the gun towers, checkpoints, and guard dog sections, but within the one hundred and fifty strong team is a smaller dedicated unit who, when the Winter Soldier is to be woken, are used for guarding him. The rotas are a nightmare. He and Zolnerowich always work on them together. It is their least favourite task. Marinov also ensures he has regular meetings with the other people in charge of security on the camp. Caldwell is a very keen advocate on everyone singing from the same hymn sheet.

Although the Winter Soldier's presence is not advertised around the camp, his presence is known by nearly every STRIKE team and most of the soldiers know about him. One of the biggest headaches for Marinov is stopping curious personnel from trying to see him. He has to admit when you see the Winter Soldier striding out of the building to be taken to his rendezvous he is an imposing, frightening figure. Most times he has on his mask and goggles, and dressed all in black he is bristling with pent-up strength. Marinov knows anyone who says they are not afraid of him is a fool.

Last summer, Marinov caught one of the cryo-freeze technicians actually charging money to allow young soldiers a chance to see the Winter Soldier asleep in his pod. When Marinov discovered what was happening he could not believe the stupidity of the man. He had had no choice but to report it to Caldwell. He believed he would be in for a dressing down for not realising at first what was happening but Caldwell accepted the fact that humans have an amazing capacity to create opportunity out of anything and everything. He had referred to the technician as their __young entrepreneur__ – but be that as it may, it did not stop Caldwell from giving the order to terminate the __young entrepreneur's__ life. A job that Marinov was grateful he was not required to carry out himself.

The project and the camp are running smoothly.

 **...**

The rest of the day Marinov spends going over rotas: mundane things such as sickness, injuries that can leave them short-staffed. He looks at the reports and sighs. How stupid can some people be? One of the guards got too close to the electric fence, survived but the burns were bad. Another one climbed one of the watch towers as a drunken bet and fell nearly fifty feet. Alcohol is banned from this part of the camp, and the guard will need to face punishment if and when he awakens from the unconscious state he is currently in. Marinov makes a note for Zolnerowich to track down once and for all where the alcohol was coming into the camp and a harsh reminder would be issued with a higher sentence. Not just a fine and loss of privileges - the sentence would need to be much more sever. He has to nip this in the bud.

After walking around the camp, talking to people and getting his updates, he decides to call it a night. On his way to his rooms a guard comes up with a message for him that has just come in over the wire. He alters his route so he can call in at the cryo suite.

The technician he finds on duty jumps almost to attention when he sees Marinov come through the door. He fumbles with the paperwork he is doing and Marinov tries not to smile as he sees the man's nervousness. Better they are afraid of him than lose their life because they aren't.

"We need to bring The Constant out early tomorrow morning," Marinov tells the man. He received a message from Caldwell to say he wants her awakened before he arrives back.

"Yes sir. Er, I mean..." the technician never knows how to refer to this man so he decide to leave it at __Sir.__ "Er, about what time?"

Marinov frowns. "I suggest you talk to Stefan, he will know what the best time would be," he says and then, leaving the man, he decides it is definitely time to retire for the night. He has a headache coming on and wonders for the umpteenth time how he got involved in all of this.

 **...**

 **Wednesday**

The next morning he calls in at the cryo suite just after ten. Everyone in there is busy. They have awoken The Constant and at the moment she is sat on the edge of the bed throwing up into a bucket. To hear about cryo-freezing would make it sound like a science fiction plot: lots of white clean areas, automatons carrying out the work, but the real thing is more human. The Winter Soldier rarely has nausea this bad when he is woken, but Freya always does. She looks awful and he knows she will spend the rest of the day sleeping in her quarters. Eric Jakobs once told him to liken it to car travel. Some people are made sick by it some people are not. Trust the Winter Soldier to be one of the ones not affected.

Marinov talks to Stefan to see if everything is on track and Stefan confirms it is. He takes one more look at Freya before he leaves, and she lifts a hand to say a weak hello and then he leaves.

The rest of the day is spent again with paperwork and dealing with issues that need his attention. Then, at around 6pm, he receives a call from Caldwell to say he has finally arrived back. He is checking that there is nothing that requires his urgent attention. He has already spoken to the cryo team and they will be bringing the Winter Soldier out the next morning. Whilst that is being done he has called an early meeting for tomorrow morning that Marinov and all the heads of departments will attend, a normal occurrence for the camp.

 **...**

 **Thursday**

Caldwell has called the meeting for 8am; he is an early riser and has already taken care of a number of other things already. Jakobs is grumbling pleasantly about the time and Marinov reminds him that neither of them are in their early thirties any more.

"Even when I was, I didn't get up at dawn. Just lead me to the coffee first..." Jakobs pours himself a drink and adds plenty of milk and then holds the jug up for Marinov, who raises his eyebrows. He doesn't take milk, prefers his coffee black. "Oh yes. Keep forgetting you're a heathen," Jakobs grumbles again.

It is their usual discourse. The two share a strong friendship.

Caldwell goes through the normal routine. He explains that The Winter Soldier is required for a mission and is in the process of being brought out of cryo. He checks with Stefan that everything is running to plan, and is told it is. He confirms to Elise, Peter and Timor that he will be seeing them later with the programming script.

He then moves on to Adam. At these meetings Caldwell never gives out details of the missions; they are more a sounding out of his people, ensuring everything is running smoothly. He then sees them later on their own to discuss what needs doing. He confirms now to Adam that he will need all three of Adam's team to accompany the Winter Soldier. When they are not on mission with the Winter Soldier all three of them - Adam Morton, Rodion Bessonov, and Viktor Kozar - are part of the training group for the up and coming STRIKE teams.

Caldwell's attention then turns to Marinov. He asks if there are any security matters that need discussing. Marinov mentions a few things happening around the camp, explains they need a new ruling for the sentence if someone is found with alcohol. The matter is discussed back and forth. Caldwell is extremely good in knowing how to speak to his staff; he asks the right questions and nothing escapes him.

The last person he speaks to is Eric Jakobs. Jakobs has become the project's main general doctor and he asks if there have been any problems. As usual he asks if the staff are well and he advises Jakobs that if there is anything he can ever do for Jakobs to let him know. He has already furnished a surgery for the doctor and has given him permission to consult the camp's doctor if he needs to at any time.

Then the meeting is over and Marinov carries on with his duties.

 **...**

At 1pm he makes his way with four guards to the Main Room. He leaves two standing guard outside the room and enters with the other two. The operation is bustling with voices and people. The Winter Soldier has already been brought in and put in the Master Chair. Freya is sat next to him, reading some papers, and he goes up to her. When they bring the Winter Soldier out of cryo stasis and into the main room he is always kept unconscious. Marinov had already sent two guards to the cryo rooms but at that point of the procedure they have never been needed. Marinov though would rather be over cautious than under – he has learnt over the years how dangerous this man can be.

"How are you feeling?" he asks Freya who smiles and nods.

"A lot better than yesterday," she says drily, aware that he saw her being sick.

He looks around the room and then back at her. "Any problems?"

She shakes her head. "No everything seems fine. Should just be a normal wake-up," and she glances at the Winter Soldier. Without thinking, she reaches across to sweep his hair away from his brow. The seat is in the bed position and he looks peaceful.

They both know how fast that can change.

One of the technicians calls over to say they are ready and another comes over with a hypodermic needle. Marinov steps back and watches as the bed of the chair begins to move into the upright position. Freya leans forward and takes the soldier's hand, her focus totally on him now.

Marinov notices how people still draw back from the chair as the countdown begins. Most of them are not even aware that they do it. He is glad to note though that his guards do not step away but he does see the whites of their knuckles as they hold their hypo guns tighter.

He watches as the solider begins to stir and then opens his eyes; listens to Freya talk to him, telling him where he is and what has happened to him. The Winter Soldier's eyes flick around the room and Marinov knows he has taken everything in. Even his own heart gives a little pull when he sees the soldier's eyes sweep over him. Cold, calculating. The strength of the man shows not just in his body but in his presence. He is wearing just trousers and boots. He sits in the chair and it is possible to see at the moment he is still not relaxed enough, his fists are curled which makes the muscles on his forearm stand out. His metal arm is deadly, the metal rings coiling around and giving him a greater strength, the red star emblazoned at the top. His gaze is still taking everything in. Freya has tucked his long hair behind his ears so they can watch his face and now the blue eyes are focused on her, on what she is saying. Marinov can now see his body beginning to relax and the Winter Soldier nods just once and sits back.

Freya stands up to get him a drink of water, and Marinov catches a glimpse of humanity in the soldier's gaze when he watches her. Such a shame that they will take that away from him in the next few hours. Marinov does not know what the programming scripts say but he has been there so many times when the Winter Soldier comes out.

Seen when he has got back to his quarters and shown a disgust for Freya that hadn't been there before.

He realises he has grown distracted and pulls himself out of his reverie. Freya is leaving and he knows that everything should be quiet for the next fifteen minutes or so. The doctors will check the Winter Soldier over and then, when he is ready, one of the programming team will come to take him down. He makes sure his guards know to walk with him and the two outside will accompany them, remaining outside of the programming suite until they are ready to return the soldier to his quarters.

Recently a new set of walkie-talkie units have been issued. He double checks they are on the same channel as he is and tells them to call him if there is any sign of trouble.

He hears word later on that all is well. The Winter Soldier is returned to his quarters at 9pm which means a long time in programming, but also means he will be quiet tonight. It doesn't stop Marinov from calling by the Winter Soldier's quarters and talking to the guards outside. They will remain there for at least six hours to make sure nothing untoward happens.

Then Marinov retires to his own room.

 **...**

 **Friday**

It was a quiet night. But he receives a call at 7.20am to go to the Winter Soldier's quarters. He arrives at the same time as Jakobs to find one guard nursing a broken nose and another one in the room talking to Freya. He looks around the space and guesses what has happened. There is blood on the sheets and down Freya's nightwear, she has put on a dressing gown over it. She will have a black eye by this afternoon. He can hear the shower running and the door to the bathroom is firmly shut.

There is nothing Jakobs can do for Freya except pat her on the shoulder. Her black eye is in fact for once an accident. He goes to tend the guard with the broken nose.

"I'm sorry about your guard," she says to him. "I was the one who bloodied his nose. I fell backward and caught him straight in the face with the back of my head. Poor soul!" She knows how painful a broken nose can be.

"The blood?" he indicates the bed.

She nods towards the bathroom "Courtesy of the programmers. He was getting up and felt woozy, staggered and next thing I knew his nose was bleeding." She walks over to the bed and starts to strip it down.

"And my guard?"

She turns her head to answer but he has come over to give her a hand. She smiles ruefully. "Poor lad was helping Sophia to bring in the breakfast and thought he could assist. He came up to help steady him just as he pushed me away and well, the rest you know."

Marinov does not reply. It is not a rare occurrence.

"How is he?" he asks quietly, wanting to get an early gauge on how moody the Winter Soldier will be.

"It was a long session. Painful. He's...not good. I would stay out of his way."

Marinov and Freya have known each other for a long time and she knows she can be truthful with him. The Winter Soldier has different levels of temperament. Sometimes he is distant but polite; other times cold and aloof, snappy, irritable. And sometimes, like today, he can be angry, distrustful, ready to lash out.

Marinov helps her finish up but hears the shower being switched off. It is best that he not be here when the Winter Soldier comes out; not for his sake but for Freya's. If he is as Freya says he is, then he will also be jealous and paranoid and although he has never come to blows with Marinov it is best not to take that chance.

He leaves her and heads back to his office. He has asked the other guard to check on the one with the broken nose. There is no longer any need for a guard to remain outside the Winter Soldier's quarters. The programming has taken.

At lunchtime he heads for the canteen. He often eats there, surrounded by the other guards and soldiers and listens to the general chatter, talks to people. Caldwell says he is a great believer in being open and trustful with his staff and he encourages that in his heads of department. It is something Eduard would do anyway. He prefers company to being alone.

He spends the afternoon with Zolnerowich, checking a problem out at the perimeter on the south side of the camp. Each side is checked at least once a month by a team of engineers. It is a huge undertaking due to the size and expanse of the military quarters. When Marinov looks up at the barrier he cannot help be impressed by the amazing feat of engineering. He feels it is like a fortress: utterly impenetrable.

The camp has a twenty foot outside fence which stands in a clearance of fifteen feet: no trees, no bushes or undergrowth, nothing can hide in the clearance. Huge lights keep it lit all night. There are six corners to the camp which have fifty foot tall watch towers, always manned, always bristling with firepower. Within the fence is a space of twelve feet bristling with barbed wire and mines. Then the inside fence, which tops fifteen feet and is made up of strong wire mesh and barbed wire. It is kept electrified. A smaller six foot fence runs inside to prevent anyone from accidentally going up against the electrified fence and being hurt. It doesn't always work - as Marinov read in the accident report on Tuesday. The checking takes hours of their time but Marinov and Caldwell prefer to know that their defences are secure. If any problems are found or crop up then the team of engineers see to it immediately.

The only problem they find today is where a family of foxes have decided at some time to lengthen their burrow to take in the ground under the fence, which has now started to collapse. He cannot help but be grateful it was not near any of the mines. He sends a team out to the other side but they cannot trace any sign of the foxes and it appears the series of burrows is an ancient one. Rain and roots from older trees have undermined and weakened the soil. He schedules the work to be done for the complete burrow to be filled in and the fence checked for any problems. The fences are sunk ten feet into the ground and within the space between them plans have to be consulted to show where the mines have been laid. The last thing Marinov needs is to lose any lives to simple repair work.

He has another quiet evening. They are not permitted to have radios but they are allowed to listen to music and he has this softly playing in the background. Personnel are allowed to send letters home but they are tightly censored; as are all letters sent out or received into the camp. He finds it difficult sometimes to know what to write, especially knowing other people will be reading it. The letter is to his wife. He asks after their daughters, both now grown and with young families of their own. He writes to her about the weather and how soon the autumn days are turning the trees to their autumn colours. He tells her he misses her and he always signs it with __Your loving Eduard.__ Putting it in the envelope which he has to leave open, he wonders how much of it will be redacted.

 **...**

 **Saturday**

The Winter Soldier is being sent out on mission today. Marinov helps Adam load up the car. Although the Winter Soldier has excellent driving skills, it is usually Viktor who drives them to the rendezvous point. They will not be flying out from the camp for this mission.

Marinov looks up and around the area and then swears quietly. "I don't know how they find out," he says to Adam, who looks over to where Marinov has nodded.

He grins. "It's their excitement for the day," he says.

There are more off duty soldiers around their part of the compound than normal. Most are new recruits who have come to see if the stories about the Winter Soldier are true or not. Is he as tall as they say? Is he as aggressive? Is he as frightening as they have been warned?

"Let them be, gives 'em a thrill." Adam cannot see the harm. Before Marinov can comment, he sees the Winter Soldier exiting the building and running down the front steps. There is that moment of fear, just a shiver down Marinov's back. It's as if you are coming face to face with an deadly opponent that can tear you limb from limb if it should so wish. He is dressed in black but you can see the glints of silver which make up his left arm, the red star atop it.

The soldier __is__ tall. He wears his hair long and today with a bit of a breeze in the air it ruffles through it. He is wearing a leather buckled jacket, combat trousers, and big thick heavy black boots. His lower face is covered by the mask they prefer him to wear; Marinov thinks it muzzles him like a dog but he has never been stupid enough to say that to anyone. He carries goggles in his left hand and a bag in his right. As he walks to the car he scans the area and they know he has taken in every one of the bystanders.

Taken them in and dismissed them.

He goes to the back of the car, throws his bag in the open boot, and Adam slams it shut. Then the Winter Soldier climbs into the back of the car and Adam follows. As soon as the doors are closed Marinov taps on the top of the car to tell them they are good to go.

As the car drives off Marinov hears several voices. "Hail Hydra!" and he looks back at the people, some of who are now beginning to drift off. Others will watch until the very last minute.

"Jesus," he murmurs to himself. They may as well have said __Heil Hitler!__ and be members of the SS. Here they are in the __enlightened__ 1960's, and they just may as well have not moved on at all.

 **...**

He checks to ensure the work is being done on the south side of the fencing and then heads back to his office, but on the way he gets diverted.

Marinov has a weakness for dogs. He admits it. They have a forty strong work force of working animals who guard the perimeter and who are also trained as tracker dogs.

Accidents will happen. Pregnancies, mostly. But the pregnancy is always allowed to go to term and provides a new generation of dogs to take the place of the older ones.

One of the bitches is giving birth and there are complications. There is no vet on site which is something he wants to address with Caldwell. After seeing the problem for himself he heads off instead to look for Jakobs. Whilst Jakobs is a doctor for humans surely, Marinov thinks, it can't be that much of a difference.

Instead he finds Freya.

"One of my bitches is in trouble!"

"Really?" Freya is amused by his wording and he tuts.

"One of my __guard dogs__ , have you seen Jakobs?"

She shakes her head "I don't think he's around. I think he may have gone off camp. I know he was talking about some supplies he needed to get a hold of so I think he was going __foraging__ with the camp doctor."

"Dammit!" And before Freya can say any more, he looks at her. "Well you'll have to do then."

She tries to explain that giving birth to a baby and giving birth to puppies are totally different things but by the time she finishes, they are at the kennels and she can see the trouble the dog is having. Her heart goes out to the beast.

They kneel either side of the panting dog. It is obvious she is in a lot of pain. Freya talks calmly to her whilst trying to examine her abdomen. Then she sits back on her heels with Marinov and three guards looking at her. She looks up at their faces and wants to say she cannot help, wants to explain she would just be guessing...but one of the guards blurts out: "If you can't help, nobody can." He is upset. It is his dog.

She blows air through her bangs and glances at the man. Pulling all her knowledge from nursing school to the front of her mind she asks them to get rope, buckets of hot water and towels and if they can find it straw. "Plenty of towels," she reiterates.

"Do you know what you are doing?" Marinov asks quietly.

"Nope," she admits.

"I can understand the water and towels, but why do you want rope and straw?" he asks.

She shrugs. "To be honest I don't but it gives them something to do and gets them out of my hair for a few minutes," she says, gently moving the dog and then rolling up her sleeves.

"Well, if someone could let me know how things go," Marinov goes to get up to move away but she tugs his arm, pulling him back down.

"Oh no you don't! You're going to help!" She is adamant. "But first, ask one your men to fetch my medical bag from the bottom of my wardrobe."

The problem turns out to be caused by the first puppy being a breech birth, and although Freya realises what the problem is she has to decide whether to try and turn the puppy or pull it out legs first. Taking a deep breath, she begins examining the mother to see which action to take.

This is going to take a while.

Three and a half hours later and after going through a lot of towels and hot water, they have five newborn puppies and one sore but otherwise unharmed mother. The rope lies undisturbed.

Freya has had to put in stitches and they need to help the mother get up, pee, and drink but otherwise she is soon sniffing her pups and letting them feed. Each pup that was delivered was so small, so vulnerable. Marinov helped the mother clean them, using the straw, and made sure their airways were clear.

Freya had to help the mother with two of the umbilical cords, and for safety she has tied a suture around the ends. It is all guess work and she hopes she has done the right thing. The fact that the mother eats the food she is offered afterwards they take as a good sign.

Walking back to the main building with Freya, Marinov tells her that even in such a place as this camp there was beauty. He asked her if she had ever seen anything so small as the puppies paws and then went on to tell her about the birth of his first daughter and how tiny she had been; how small her hands had been. Freya smiles and ducks her head. She isn't used to Marinov being such a sentimental person and he blushes when he realises.

Just before they part she touches his arm and when he turns to her she looks at him. "You are a good hearted man, Lieutenant. Do not ever let this place change you." And he knows exactly what she is saying.

That night he writes another letter home to tell his wife about the puppies. It is not often he has a story to tell her with a happy ending.

 **...**

 **Sunday**

Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest. There is no church on the camp, no religious groups. If religion is discussed here it is done so quietly. In private.

Zolnerowich once told him you could always tell a Sunday even if you were on a desert island, and Marinov knows exactly what he means. Everything seems hushed, no one seems to be in a hurry. Jakobs is back and laughs when he finds out about the narrow escape he had in delivering the puppies. He admits he would not have had a clue what to do.

The day is long but as Eduard walks around the camp he can feel the slight chill in the air. Autumn has definitely arrived. He can't help but wonder what his wife and daughters are doing back in the normal world.

In the early evening he sits out at one of the benches dotted around the barracks. From this position he can see the parade grounds. They are quiet now but during the day they are pounded by thousands of feet. The tanks and artillery are safely stored away in the huge depots. He can actually hear birds singing their last songs of the day. He hears an engine revving and then it shuts off; someone having a problem or two with maintenance. The air is cooler and as it gets darker he looks up into the sky knowing the same stars that are coming out are shining out over his family. Such a beautiful clear night.

He hears someone coming up and sees Jakobs, who sits next to him. Out here there is no listening equipment and although there is currently a basic camera security section it does not cover this area – yet. That is something that will change. He has a meeting scheduled with Caldwell in two weeks time to discuss a new security system that is to be introduced. Technology is moving on and Caldwell does not want the camp to get left behind.

He and Jakobs talk quietly about what is happening. Both men are responsible for a small and secret group of dissidents. People who have everyday lives within the camp but are beginning to realise that the Hydra promise is not one of freedom or a clear and better world. There is not a lot they can do to fight against it so instead they are trying to leave a written record behind of what has happened within Hydra. Files are hidden when they should be shredded and burnt; they tell the history of the terrible experiments and torture that has taken place on Project Winter Soldier and anything else that crosses their path.

One day Hydra will pay, but both believe it will not be in their life time.

 **...**

 **Monday**

Caldwell is still on camp and Marinov has updated him on security issues. He has also broached the subject of having a vet on site. He could see surprise on Caldwell's face, and the answer is no. He doesn't even think there are any vets within Hydra he jokes.

"Has it ever occurred to you, Eduard, that for a top secret organisation with world domination on its agenda you and I have some very unusual conversations?" Caldwell asks him. Eduard does not know what to say in reply.

"How about we meet in the middle? How many people do you have on the guard dog patrol?" Caldwell knows that each man and woman is responsible for their own animal, and when Marinov answers he tells him he will set up training for them on the care and health of their charges. Let people win the small victories. "We'll see how that works out." And with that he dismisses Marinov.

He scribbles a memo to his secretary asking her to arrange it, and puts in in his Out tray.

That will give her something to think about.

 **...**

The Winter Soldier is due back and so the camp has been put on alert.

Marinov is advised the mission went well. He is to see the soldier back and ensure he is taken straight to mission report.

As he walks next to him he can still feel a pent up anger and strength in him. Marinov is not that much shorter but still has to keep up with him as he strides back into the building. They do not talk, Marinov gave up long ago trying to speak to him when he first comes back.

The report is slightly longer than usual and afterwards he delivers the soldier back to his quarters. He notices his coordination is slightly out of sync. He has no injuries and Caldwell will allow the Winter Soldier to stay out tomorrow, but then on Wednesday both he and Freya will be put back in cryo.

Believing that is the end of it for today he returns to his usual work and is out on the south perimeter when a call comes in for him over the radio. He is to report to the Winter Soldier's quarters. There is trouble, but the guard will not say what it is over the radio. Zolnerowich drives him back and he is soon hurrying down the corridor as a guard gives him a report on what has happened.

They are not sure what started the trouble but it began shortly after one of the guards returned Freya's medical bag to her. She had left it at the kennels in case it was needed. The guard had given it to her telling her she had left it at the guard house, he wasn't thinking. The Winter Soldier had heard every word of the innocent conversation.

Soon after they heard raised voices - no, one raised voice. The Winter Soldier's. They are never allowed to interfere and had to wait until after he had left.

"Did you hear what it was about?" Marinov asks.

"Yes sir, it was...he was accusing her of..." the guard goes quiet.

"Just say it."

"He said she must have been fucking one of us and he repeatedly kept telling her that she is his. You know how he gets. He just went __mental__."

No one would have told the Winter Soldier of Freya's involvement helping out at the kennels. He does not allow her to associate with the guards or anyone else on the camp. His jealousy and paranoia are still high, and he hasn't started remembering enough yet to trust her.

How stupid can people be? Has Marinov not told them often enough never to talk about her, never to let the soldier know if she has any involvement with them no matter how innocent it is? "Is she hurt badly?"

"I don't think so. I called Doctor Jakobs, he's with her now."

"And...him?"

"He left. Jovanovich said he saw him head over to the track. I guess he's running."

Marinov turns into the room which is a mess; furniture overturned, Freya sits in one of the chairs and Jakobs is knelt beside her cradling one of her arms and trying to see how much flex is in it. Her face is bruised, her clothing torn.

He looks back at the guard. "Tidy some of this up, will you."

Jakobs is talking quietly to Freya who is crying; she doesn't make a sound, tears just run down her cheek. Marinov picks up the other chair that is overturned.

He knows what will happen. The Winter Soldier will spend hours pounding around the track. Jakobs will patch Freya up and the soldier will come back and maybe some of his memories of her will have started to re-emerge. Hopefully he will begin to realise she is not what he seems to think.

He remembers a conversation he had with one of the newer guards the last time this happened and the guard asked Marinov why people had any sympathy for the soldier when he did something like this to a woman who obviously cared for him.

He didn't know how to answer. How do you defend someone who takes apart another person? Who finds joy in causing pain? Normally you would not, there is no defence.

If Marinov had not known James Barnes he would have asked the same question. But whenever he feels angry at the soldier, whenever he feels fear of him, he remembers what they did to him. They took his soul and tore it to shreds. They took his life from him and made him into a living nightmare. They invade his mind, tear it apart, tear him apart. Then they strip him of his humanity and banish him to the dark when they have no further use for him.

How could someone who goes through that __not__ turn into a monster?

And if you have no compassion for that monster, what does that make you? Marinov does not have the answer. He does not believe anyone has.

Making his mind up, he heads for the running track and sure enough there is the Winter Soldier pounding around the track. He can see the rage in the tightness of the muscles and as the Winter Soldier runs past him sweat is glistening on his body and his shirt is soaking wet. On the next run around the track he slows and by the time he comes level to Marinov he is walking. He stops just before reaching the Lieutenant. He does not look at him, just pulls up the bottom of his shirt to wipe his face and Marinov takes a deep breath. How does he approach this? If he says the wrong thing he could make it worse.

"We had a problem whilst you were away." He moves to stand in front of the solider. The Winter Soldier looks at him but does not say anything. He is hard to read because although Marinov can see the tightness of his body, his face is impassive. "And __I__ asked Freya to come over to the kennels. She __didn't__ go to the guard quarters. One of the dogs had a problem and I thought she could help. That is the only reason she was over that side of the camp."

Nothing, no answer just that same stare.

"I thought you should know. I did not mean to cause a problem. You don't need to take it out on her, she did nothing wrong. She was just trying to help."

"What was the problem?" his voice is level, not serious, just requesting information. Is that a good sign?

"One of the kennel bitches was having trouble delivering her pups. Freya was the only person I could think of that might be able to help and she did. We delivered all five of them."

The soldier looks away, looks around the track. Then he nods and Marinov can see he has said enough. The Winter Soldier trots back to the track and starts to jog again. Marinov would like to think he looks more relaxed, his muscles looser, but he just doesn't know.

 **...**

When he goes to bed that night he tries not to think of the rest of his life here in this camp. It is six weeks to his next furlough but he does not know how much longer he can take it. He has been back at Hydra for a week and he already feels the heaviness in his heart. Where will it all end? He should be used to it by now - just another week in his life on camp. No different to usual. He wonders if he makes any difference at all? If what he Jakobs and Stefan are doing will bear any fruit or one day will the world be ruled by Hydra?

He just doesn't know. He lies back on the pillow and prays for sleep to come.

 _ _At least I am not here forever like that poor bloody fucked up soldier__ , is his last thought before sleep finally claims him.


	45. Chapter 45 - Acts of Defiance

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Forty-Five: Bucky Barnes & The Winter Soldier - Acts of Defiance****

 _ _For want of a nail the shoe was lost.__  
 _ _For want of a shoe the horse was lost.__  
 _ _For want of a horse the rider was lost.__  
 _ _For want of a rider the message was lost.__  
 _ _For want of a message the battle was lost.__  
 _ _For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.__  
 _ _And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.__

 **January 1963**

The technician had just found out his girlfriend had been unfaithful to him and he is angry, bitter, sulky. He is not a pleasant person. The girlfriend has had a narrow miss and thanks her lucky stars that she has gotten rid of him.

They are not allowed drinks in the main room but as an act of defiance he thinks __sod it__ and takes in a cup of coffee. After all, he is working alone on this shift and he can always get rid of the cup before the others come in.

It really is not his day. He knocks the coffee over and it floods into the panel he is working at. Normally he would have gotten away with it - but...his girlfriend had put him on a diet. Told him he was getting fat, had been concerned about his health. Well, now she was no longer in the picture, he had gone back to putting sugar in his coffee - an extra spoonful, even. The way he looks at it, everyone needs luxuries in their life.

His girlfriend was right to be worried for his health, because the sugar is what will ultimately be the cause of his death.

As the coffee seeps into the control panel he jumps back, panicked, and grabs a cloth, swearing. It takes him twenty minutes to get rid of the tell tale signs of the spilt drink. All the while he is sweating in case someone else comes in and finds out. It is not his fault, he mutters, it is his girlfriend's – his __ex__ -girlfriend's!

Outside the panel, everything looks normal and he breathes a sigh of relief. The lights are still working and it chugs away as usual. Inside however, is a different matter. If it had just been fluid then no problem; the spill may have affected a few small minor things. But sugar and circuity do not mix.

This will definitely be the death of him.

Later that morning, when others join him and the working day begins he has all but forgotten his previous blunder and is moaning at a fellow technician about his love life - or lack thereof. His fellow technician wishes he would shut up.

The doors open and the Winter Soldier is led in. The mission went well and he has rested. He is now ready to return to cryo-freeze. He sits in the chair waiting to be wiped. He knows it will hurt but he is used to pain; it is one of his constant companions although you would never tell from his outward demeanour. He just wishes they would get on with it. Freya comes to sit beside him. He knows her now, knows how much she loves him, and how they lied to him when he first came out of cryo. But he has been told it is important for him to be lied to about her. He is on that cusp of asking too many questions. He tries to smile and she tells him she will see him on the other side.

The chair tilts and the plates begin to cover his face. He inhales deeply, his hands clench the arm rests, and the whine from the machine begins.

The pain starts and he tenses, but although the pain is bad he somehow feels that it is different and he realises at the end of the session he still has most of his memories intact. He knows that he __should__ tell them so they can rerun the wipe...but in an act of defiance, he decides not to.

His ears are bleeding and buzzing by the end of the session and his head hurts. Freya helps clean him up and stays with him until he is in his metal pod, ready for cryo-freeze. He wants to reach out, tell her he remembers her but he cannot. There are eyes everywhere and instead he keeps it to himself but he does squeeze her hand just before they shut the lid and she gives him one of the shy smiles he loves so much.

Then, blackness.

 **...**

 **May 27th 1963**

He can hear the voices counting down. He can feel Freya's hand curled around his. He opens his eyes and, just for a split moment, he feels as if he is underwater. Then he sees her and blinks. The world comes into focus.

"Hello, sleepyhead." She smiles at him, squeezes his hand. He nods, then puts his head back and closes his eyes. His head feels like it is splitting open.

She moves closer, a frown on her face. She is used to seeing him in pain, but she can see blackness under his eyes. His skin is pale.

"How is your head? Can I get you anything?" she asks quietly and he opens his eyes again to look at her. He can remember so much that he shouldn't, and something in his brain is telling him not to admit to it. They must not know he has remembered things. It is not permitted. He knows he can trust her, but there are too many people around them.

She hands him a glass of water which he gulps down. So far he has not spoken. She runs her hand down his cheek and he feels the warmth of it. He wants to reach up and take it in his and kiss her palm, but that would be out of character and so instead he indicates his head is bad and she nods. She cannot give him any pain killers as they will do that in the Programming Suite if they feel it is needed. She stays with him until they come to take him there, but he can see in her eyes she is worried.

His memories are all over the place. Some mean something to him, some don't. He knows his codename is the Winter Soldier, but he cannot remember his real name. He knows he works for an organisation named Hydra but he doesn't know how he came to work for them. He also knows that he is a killer, but that what he does is supposed to be for the good of the world. The two ideas clash. He 'lives' with the woman called Freya and he remembers that he always forgets how much she means to him, and that they tell him lies about her...but he doesn't know why they do. He comes out of cryo freeze to be sent on missions and they keep him up to date with training, he travels with a team of people and he remembers their names, but only some of this is information he is always allowed to retain. Why?

His head is pulsing and his stomach is churning. He comes forward just as Freya realises he is going to be sick and grabs hold of a bin. She holds it under him and he brings up water and bile. This is unusual. Normally, coming out of cryo does not make him this nauseous. She hands him a cloth to wipe his mouth and gets him to sip some more water. He leans back, sweating.

He hears her on one of the telephones, talking to someone in the Programming Suite, telling them there will be a delay and asking if she can give him some medication. She is evidently given the go-ahead as she then fetches a hypo from one of the kits. She comes to sit next to him.

"This should make you feel a little better," she swabs his arm. "It's for the sickness. I usually have to have one each time," she tells him and smiles as if it is a joke. He feels the sting of the needle and then her cool hand on his forehead. He realises he has closed his eyes and she tells him to keep them closed, tells him to rest.

An hour later he is feeling better; not so nauseous as before. They receive a phone call and after checking with him that he feels well enough to move she confirms that someone from programming can come to collect him.

"I'll see you later. If you feel sick, let them know okay?" She is looking at him and he can see how much she cares. He nods. When she leaves he closes his eyes again and thoughts and memories are swirling around his head. Nothing makes sense. They come to fetch him. He has so many questions he wants to ask but as he nears the Programming Suite he begins to sweat. He knows he must not let them know how much he remembers.

There is something dreadfully wrong here.

 **...**

Peter and Elise are ready for him when he arrives but he is wrapped up in his own thoughts and does not realise there is tension in the air. They have argued and are barely talking to each other. At any other time this wouldn't have mattered...but this time? Well, combine it with the technician and his sugared coffee from a few months ago and it is catastrophic. But no-one knows that yet.

Fate has a funny sense of humour.

Timor gets him to sit in the chair and asks him how he is feeling. He admits to his head still being bad and so Peter decides to start him off on a lower setting. After a few hours though Elise turns up the setting and the programming becomes brutal.

They see no difference in their subject but that is because they do not look. Both are brooding on their previous conversation, and snapping at each other. Timor has decided to stay out of things. He sits quietly marking off the peaks and troughs on the information given out. The script seems to be running fine.

At the end of the session the Winter Soldier is uncoordinated, bleeding, suffering. What was any different to normal? They give him strong pain killers and he is sent back to his quarters.

The mission will begin the next day.

He __remembers__ everything they have told him. But remembering is __not__ programming.

His mind is blanking out and buzzing in and he doesn't know what to do with the pain. He knows he has been programmed, but whereas normally he would be crystal clear in what he has to do, this time it has not worked. They did not have a clean slate to work with. Things are confused. This time he kept his hands clenched, and if Peter and Elise had been paying attention they would have seen his palm sliced by his nails; he has bitten his tongue. Anything to cause pain so that he could fight what they were doing to him.

Instead of being programmed directly into his mind, it is as if he was having it read to him. He knows the whole script and remembers it word-for-word but as if he has read a piece of fiction. He knows his mission, but he also knows deep down, that he should __not__ carry it out. It is wrong. It is murder. And not only is it murder, it would be catastrophic to the country involved. For the first time, he realises that he has a choice in the matter. he does not have to do what they have told him to do.

He gets back to his rooms and Freya is there. He wants to tell her everything. To tell her he remembers her, to tell her that she doesn't need to keep any distance between them, that she doesn't need to flinch when he lifts his hand. But he also remembers the programming script and how at this point he is supposed to hate her, that normally he would hurt her physically and mentally and he knows that is what she is expecting.

He is finding it difficult to focus, to keep awake and so he tells he is going to sleep. She is expecting this, but first she cleans up the blood, asks him about his palm. He shrugs it off but he can see she suspects something and so he does what he is supposed to.

He pushes her away.

 **...**

He comes awake fast. It is dark; there is just the light from under the door. So many thoughts crowd his brain. When he awoke he cried out and Freya is there beside the bed telling him he is all right, reaching out to touch him, to soothe him. He sits up in bed, hands around his head, clenching his hair whilst he desperately tries to think.

"I have some pain killers, I won't be a moment," Freya says, and before he can answer she has disappeared to fetch water and tablets. He takes a deep breath and by the time she returns he pretends that he is calmer. He takes the tablets, drinks the water. He doesn't look at her. His mind is screaming and he can hear words being drummed into him. He can feel pressure building up in his brain.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" she asks. He shakes his head and then wishes he hadn't. She moves closer. "You look terrible. Talk to me," she says. "What is it? What's wrong?"

The temptation to grab hold of her, to bury his head against her breast and sob is overpowering. He is sweating heavily and the panic is so close by now that he can reach out and touch it. He cannot do it. He cannot involve her.

"Nothing. Go away, go back to sleep," he says and lies back down. He turns his back on her, deliberately pulling up the blankets to shut her out. She doesn't move for a second, then he feels her get up, listens as she moves back to her own bed and settles back down for the night.

Thoughts and memories spin in his brain. The sleep has helped, but now there are so many more questions. Who is he really? How long has he been here? How can he complete the mission they want him to do? It is murder. Plain and simple. And the target? How can he do that? He is American. That thought shoots into his brain. __I'm American.__ He starts to list all the things he can remember about himself. It is jumbled, incomplete. Nonsensical.

He knows what he has do do. For a moment he thinks of waking Freya, talking to her about it, but then he stops. If he does, she will help him. He is in no doubt about that. But, he also knows she is a prisoner just as much as he is, he knows she is not Hydra. If he fails and they discover she has helped him they will kill her. He cannot protect her. Or can he...he thinks. __I must do this alone.__

That thought is so frightening he closes his eyes, his heart is beating so loudly he thinks it will wake her. _ _I can do this__ he tries to tell himself. If he doesn't, if he fails then the consequences will be terrible.

He doesn't sleep for the rest of the night.

 **...**

 _ _There is a knock on the door early in the morning, and you open it to find a man you have never seen before with Marinov.__

" _ _The barber," Marinov says drily, and sees by your frown you weren't expecting him. He shrugs when you question why the man is there. "I was told to bring him."__

 _ _This is unusual, because you usually trim the Winter Soldier's hair and you are never allowed to change the style.__

 _ _You stand back to allow the man entrance. He is a small man, a nervous type, and tells you he usually does haircuts for the guards and other soldiers. As he is talking, the Winter Soldier comes out of the bathroom from his shower. You are worried about him. There is something wrong, but you don't know what. He won't talk to you, which at this stage is normal, but his thoughts seem to have turned inward and you feel as if he is almost avoiding you. This is could be judged as normal as well but you have caught him looking at you with such a look on his face that it makes your heart jump into your mouth.__

 _ _You may not know what is going on, but the barber seems to. He has been given instructions and the Winter Soldier seems to know he would be there. It was all in the script. They go through to the bathroom and the Winter Soldier closes the door, deliberately excluding you.__

 _ _About thirty minutes later the barber leaves. The Winter Soldier is still in the bathroom, and when after five minutes he has not emerged you knock gently on the door. You enter to see what is happening.__

 _ _You stop dead in the doorway.__

 _ _The shower stool is in the middle of the room, empty, with hair clippings all around it. The Winter Soldier is stood in just his trousers leaning on the sink looking into the mirror. He looks sick, in fact he does not just look it you realise he has been sick.__

 _ _His eyes catch yours in the reflection of the mirror, and he sees your wide-eyed stare. He closes his eyes and hangs his head. You move forward, your heart beating wildly.__

 _ _The man who looked at you in the mirror... it was James.__

 _ _The barber has done a good job. The Winter Soldier is now sporting a much shorter hair style. But it is not just shorter. It is exactly how James had his hair when you first met him, all that time ago, in the field camp.__

 _ _You move closer and put your hand on his bent back. You don't know what to say because you want to say his name, you want to call him James. You can smell the vomit on his breath. He was sick into the toilet so there is no mess to clean. You feel him take a deep breath and he straightens up, opens his eyes and turns.__

 **...**

When the barber had finished and had left, the Winter Soldier had looked in the mirror and the sight of the man looking back had shocked him. Because he recognised who he was. __My name is...__ and he felt the bile rise in his throat and just reached the toilet in time to be sick. He hasn't eaten and all he brings up is bile, water, and blood. He goes back to the mirror because he needs to remember his name, he knows it but it is just out of reach...and when the man in the mirror stares back at him, the name burns itself into his mind. __James Barnes, his friends and family call him Bucky.__

 _ _He is Bucky Barnes.__

He hears Freya enter, sees her reflection in the mirror. Her face looks shocked, and he knows why. He sees his name on her lips. Feels her hand on his back when she approaches him. Oh God, how he wants to turn around, to bury his face in her hair, sob, beg her to help him. Crazy ideas of escaping with her go through his mind. They could overpower the guards get out. Run away.

 _ _And then what?__

He thinks of the mission, thinks of what Hydra wants him to do, and he goes cold. He cannot allow that to happen. He needs them to think he will go through with it but instead of assassinating the man he will warn him, tell him about Hydra, tell him all that he knows. Stop Hydra in its tracks.

That is what Bucky Barnes would do. And then another sentence comes into his mind. __That is what Steve Rogers would want him to do.__

And when that name comes into his mind so much more clicks into place. So many memories that they thought they had burned away, so many memories rescued by Zola's serum and kept safe until required.

His nose begins to bleed and stops any questions on Freya's lips. He cannot tell her. He cannot tell anyone. The one overriding thing that he knows is that Steve Rogers was his friend, his buddy...no, more than that, his lover. And Steve Rogers is dead.

This time he cannot reach the toilet in time, and is violently sick into the sink.

 **...**

 **May 29th 1963**

"Not long." The words break into this thoughts and he shakes himself mentally. He needs to stay sharp, needs to stay focused. His palms are sweating, and he is fighting to keep his heart rate steady. Because he is not wearing his normal uniform there are no monitors to give him away, nothing to cause any alarm bells to ring back at headquarters. Viktor looks at him and Bucky nods. Usually Adam travels with them but today it is just himself, Viktor, and Rodion as their chauffeur.

He thinks back to yesterday. He didn't tell Freya.

He recognised the shock she had experienced when she saw him with his hair cut. He was James Barnes and it was the hardest thing ignoring the plea in her eyes, seeing the hope disappear as he fell back into his Winter Soldier persona. He had been cold towards her for the rest of the time, pretended to ignore her questions. A typical Bucky Barnes thought comes into his mind. _ _If this doesn't work out, he could always get a career in acting. He thinks he would earn an Oscar for his performance at the moment.__

This morning he is feeling sick, shaky, and he is trying to hide it from everyone. Where is his Winter Soldier strength? It feels as though his whole body is betraying him. Almost as if the serum in him knows that he is trying to hide from them. Memories are mixed together. He knows who he is, but so much of his life is __missing__. He still does not know how he became this other person. He remembers Steve, and he knows he is dead, but not __how__. Pictures flash into his mind but there is no context, nothing to back them up. It is a wonder he is still even able to stand.

Not once has he considered that he could escape, could save himself. The thought hasn't even occurred to him. He needs to complete this mission: he needs to warn the President, to tell him about Hydra.

Viktor is looking at him again, and Bucky realises he has missed something. Adam would have picked up on this distraction but Viktor does not usually deal with this part of things.

"Repeat the basic run-through," he says, and Bucky nods as if he is the Winter Soldier. He can feel the sweat run down the back of his shirt, almost smell his fear, and prays the others can't.

He is sat in the back of a black limousine, dressed in a grey suit and tie. He is here for a party. A birthday party. And the guest of honour is his target.

"I am to retrieve my weapon from the pool house. You and Rodion will provide cover whilst I get to the bedroom on the upper floor. From the south window I will target the man when he is due to cut the cake so that everyone's attention is focused on him."

"And if that doesn't happen? If something prevents that from happening?"

"I will find a subsequent time when I can take him down. I will not leave until he is dead."

 **...**

Bucky Barnes looks across at the people stood around the table. The party is being held outside. A white tablecloth covers the table and a few flutes of champagne stand ready to be drunk in celebration. A huge cake is on a silver stand with the words __Happy 46__ _ _th__ _ _Birthday Mr President__ emblazoned on the top of it. A banner flutters gently overhead, also wishing the President __A Happy Birthday.__

Bucky's hand is still sweating and shaking, and his guts feel like they are going to tie themselves in knots. He feels sick but light headed. The rifle he was to use is still in the pool house where he has left it. Instead, he has a hand gun down by his side in his left hand just in case. He is supposed to be in a different place. He looks out across the patio and sees the window he is supposed to be at.

It would have been a perfect position to use to kill President Kennedy.

When he arrived people looked at him oddly when they saw his left hand was bandaged. He told them that he had been in an accident and his hand was still healing. Since that time he has not mingled, kept himself apart so that there could be no awkward conversations. It was surprising how easily they were able to infiltrate the party: their invitations were valid, their assumed identities not questioned. Bucky thinks to himself that there must be someone very high-up in the government who belongs to Hydra, who arranged the deception.

He moves further forward, swallows, knowing by now that very soon both Rodion and Viktor will be alerted that something is not right, that the Winter Soldier is not where he is supposed to be. He is sweating heavily. He can feel it running down his back and his shirt is sticking to him. His suit jacket feels tight, restrictive. The tie is strangling him and he has loosened it, not realising how dishevelled he is beginning to look.

Bucky works his way through to the front of the crowd. He is to the right of the President and still nobody has stopped him. Everyone is focused on the President cutting his cake, on what he is saying, the joke he is cracking about how old he is. __No-one believes that for a minute__. They clap. His First Lady steps forward to help him place a piece on a plate.

Bucky is as near as he can get. And then the world slows.

One of the Presidential bodyguards turns around and looks straight at him. It is Adam Morton. The shock stops Bucky in his tracks and can see the alarm in Adam's eyes as he takes in Bucky's state, as he realises that there is something terribly wrong with the Winter Soldier. He is not where he should be up at the bedroom window, instead he is down here with the guests. Adam has infiltrated the bodyguard unit to help create havoc when the President is shot, and now he is realising that this is not going to happen.

Bucky realises his chance for surprise has been taken away from him. He can see Adam moving forward to block him. He should be feeling strong, strong enough so that no one can stop his progress...but instead he feels weak, sick, his legs are like jelly. What does he say? What can he shout to get the President's attention?

"Sir! Mr President! Please, you have to listen to me!" Bucky calls out, desperately, and moves forward but the gun is still in his hand, although still down at his side.

"He's got a gun!" he hears someone shout, and he realises the moment is slipping away. "No. I'm not going to shoot, please I'm not going to shoot!" Don't they understand? He doesn't want to shoot the President - he wants to warn him. "No, no Mr President please listen to me..." and he throws his gun down. Guests are moving backwards away from him, isolating the man in the grey suit. He looks upset, he is sweating heavily, a small ribbon of blood has started from his nose, he is agitated and they want no part of it.

"It's not me. I won't hurt you. It's Hydra, they are..." but Bucky's words are lost in his own panic. He cannot make himself understood. His hands are trembling. His mind is muddled. He is desperate.

Agents and bodyguards are swarming now, but in the middle of it he sees someone else. Sees that person telling Adam to take him down. It is his handler. It is Jackson Caldwell.

How can he be here?

Adam aims his gun and fires straight at Bucky. The bullet takes him in the right knee, shattering the bone, and Bucky goes down. He feels the bullet go through the bone and cartilage, dragging tissue with it out of the back of his leg. The pain is excruciating.

People begin to scream, begin to run.

He is struggling to get up when a second bullet from another shooter takes him in the left arm. It does no damage because of the metal but the impact knocks him backwards. He struggles to move, to get up, to fulfil his mission of warning the president.

"No..." Bucky is crying now, still trying to move forward, still trying to reach out with his hand. Blood is soaking through his trousers and then there are another two shots that take him in the chest and in his left thigh. His speech is strangled. One of the bullets has punctured one of his lungs and it begins to fill with blood.

Jackson Caldwell knows he has to get to the broken soldier fast before anyone can hear him, before any one can kill their asset. He and Adam reach the stricken man first. Adam punches him square in the chest, making Bucky fall backwards and onto the ground. As he goes down, Adam chops him on the throat, incapacitating his speech completely. Bucky's blood begins to pool and run down the cracks of the flag stones.

"I've failed. I failed. Don't make me kill him..." Bucky tries to speak, but Adam has hit him hard and damaged his throat. Caldwell kneels down next to him and leans over him. Adam stands to keep the others away.

Caldwell places his hand on Bucky's left shoulder, ensuring that he is kept down although he can see the soldier is so injured now that he could not rise without help. He leans in close so Bucky can see him, to make eye contact.

"Shh, it's all right..." Caldwell says, his voice surprisingly tender, calming. "Look at me," and Bucky's eyes flicker as his breathing hitches and gurgles. Bucky knows he is dying. He blinks as pain shoots through his broken body and his failure shoots through his mind.

"Let me go... _ _please__ let me go," he tries to voice, the tone of the garbled broken words are an anguished plead to be allowed to die, for them to finally let him go. __I want to go home,__ the words struggle through Bucky's mind. __Please let me go home. Let me die.__

"Red, white, and blue, it's time for you to sleep now," Caldwell says quietly.

The fail-safe words and phrase.

There is a slight widening of Bucky's eyes, but the reaction is instantaneous. His eyes roll into the back of his head and his body shudders momentarily and then relaxes as if all of the air has been let out. As if he is dead. He is completely still. Does not even appear to be breathing.

He has been taken down, deactivated. Shut down. Completely.

Jackson breathes a sigh of relief, but knows they are still not out of the woods yet. They need to get him out of here and back to base before any of the other agencies try to get to him. And before he bleeds to death or drowns in his own blood. Caldwell stands up and turns.

"The man is dead," he says loudly whilst he beckons Adam to get something to cover the body with. One of the other agents goes to step forward but Caldwell stops him and they start to argue over jurisdiction until a deeper voice stops them both.

"Are you sure he wanted to kill me? Who was he? Does he have any ID?" John F. Kennedy asks. He would not allow them to rush him away. He wants to know. There was something in the man's eyes that had tried to reach out to him, and there had been a desperation in his voice when he had called out to Kennedy.

Caldwell turns and holds out a hand.

"John, I'm so sorry. I recognise him. We have a file on him. He lost a brother in Vietnam, and they were close. He blamed the government for his brother's death, made threats, but I didn't think he would try anything. I didn't think he was a real threat. This is my fault, I'm sorry."

John F. Kennedy looks at his friend Jackson Caldwell and sees what he thinks is guilt and pain there for him.

"What you really mean is he blames __me__ for his brother's death, don't you?" Kennedy says quietly, thinking that his friend is trying to save his feelings. He takes a deep breath and looks down at the dead man's face.

"Not your fault Jackson. I just thought for a moment..." Adam brings a white cloth over and covers the body. The President looks back up and seems to shake his head as if getting rid of an intrusive thought. "...so many nut jobs out there, you can't watch 'em all."

He pats Jackson on the shoulder and turns away.

"Well I guess the party's over," Adam says to Caldwell, who nods. Both Rodion and Viktor are already headed their way. An ambulance team has been called, only this body will not be taken to any hospital anyone here at the party has heard of. It will disappear. Case closed.

"Get him out of here quickly."

"Already on it."

 **...**

It had taken them a while to determine what had gone wrong with the Winter Soldier's programming. The wipe logs had been checked, and it was discovered there were glaring anomalies that should have been picked up. People were getting complacent. The control panel was opened. Inside was a mess, the sugar had turned to a syrup-like glue and had created havoc. Thank God for the camera tapes in the Main Room. They accessed them and discovered the technician's blunder. The Winter Soldier had not been wiped and so the programming had not taken. Caldwell ordered for the technician to be dealt with. His ex-girlfriend had always told him his sweet tooth would kill him...but this is not quite what she had in mind.

The wipe control panel had taken time to repair. There was so much damage. When they felt the Winter Soldier was strong enough he was wiped, properly this time. They never allowed him to fully regain consciousness. He was wiped completely and comprehensively. All they left him with was his functions, training and basic knowledge of Hydra and his Constant.

What a mess it had all been.

They had gotten the Winter Soldier back and stabilised him. The failsafe word and phrase had worked perfectly. It had knocked him out completely. They then needed to let Zola's serum work on the bullet wounds. The shattered knee had to be replaced in an operation which took over six hours and a lot of skill. A specialist surgeon was brought in.

They were sure Freya had not known anything. If Barnes had told her they would have picked it up immediately from the audio in their rooms. All they had told her was that the mission had gone wrong, that they had been ambushed. They do not want anyone outside their small group to know he had regained some of his memories.

Peter and Elise had gone back over the programming records and admitted that there were several inconsistencies they had not picked up on. They had grown complacent. They promise it will not happen again. Peter is covering for Elise; something he is having to do more and more.

They will need to re-encode the Winter Soldier to ensure that the words __Red, White and Blue__ will always shut him down completely - as it did this time. Those words must be used with the phrase ' _ _it is time for you to sleep now'__ and these will always put him down in the future, but they hope they will never have to use them again.

 _ _For want of the wipe the anonymity was lost.__  
 _ _For want of the anonymity the innocence was lost.__  
 _ _For want of the innocence the soldier was lost.__  
 _ _For want of a soldier the true message was lost.__  
 _ _For want of the true message the assassination was lost.__  
 _ _For want of the assassination the President lived.__  
 _ _And all for the want of the wipe.__

 **...**

 _ _He wakes up in his room. His whole body aching. He isn't aware of it but they have wiped his mind and so he does not know why he aches. Everything in his mind is a painful blur.__

 _ _He tries to sit up and groans. One knee is heavily bandaged and his chest feels tight. He feels hot and can feel his blood surging through his veins.__

" _ _No. Lie back down. Doctor's orders." Freya is there and for once he does what he is told, he is too tired to argue. His head hurts as he tries to think as she fusses over him, tucking in sheets. He lays his hand on her arm.__

" _ _Have I been on a mission?" he asks. He knows her. She is his Constant, the person who is there for when he wakes up.__

" _ _Yes," she says and tries to smile.__

 _ _He nods.__

" _ _Water?" he asks. His mouth is so dry and she reaches over and picks up a cup and helps him drink.__

" _ _Did I get injured on the mission?" he asks frowning. He remembers...something?__

" _ _Yes, you did. But you completed it and have filed your mission report...now you need to sleep." She kisses his forehead.__

" _ _I didn't...__ fail, __did I?" he has this sense of not completing something but his mind cannot hold on to the thought.__

" _ _No," she says. "You didn't fail. You have never failed."__

You smile at him and he takes your word for it and falls back to sleep. It will take a couple of days more for his body to catch up with the damage done. Jackson has instructed that no-one is to ever mention anything of what happened to him: all knowledge of this mission has been completely and utterly removed from his memory.

When he is well they will wipe him once more and then you will both go back into cryo-freeze.

 **...**

 **November 22nd 1963**

Jackson Caldwell has just arrived back at the base after travelling through the night. There were problems with the flight, bad weather, and he has been out of communication entirely which is something he hates. He is tired and feels under the weather. He thinks he may be in for a cold. He has been given the go-ahead for the next mission. It is to be another attempt at an assassination with John F. Kennedy being the target yet again.

This time there will be no mistakes.

He has just given the order for the Constant and the Winter Soldier to be woken when there is a knock on his door.

"Come in!"

Adam Morton enters and closes the door behind him. He is carrying a facsimile of the front page of a newspaper which he places on Jackson's desk.

"We couldn't get in touch with you whilst you were travelling. Thought you would like to see __tomorrow's__ edition of The Boston Globe. Someone has got there before us."

Caldwell looks down at the headlines.

He picks the piece of paper up and begins to read the story, asking: "Do they know who it was?"

Adam shakes his head. "Not really at this point, just looks like some...what did Kennedy call them... _ _nut job__."

Caldwell finishes reading the story and the phone rings. He picks it up and Adam listens to the one-sided conversation.

"Yes, yes I've just heard...hmm...no, I'll cancel the order. Well, I guess fate is on our side...hmm...okay." He puts the phone down and looks at Adam.

"Cancel the order for them to be woken up, will you...I'll keep this for now."

Adam nods. "No problem, sir."

Jackson Caldwell sits back in his chair. His family and the Kennedy's have been friends for many years. He will have to attend the funeral and they will probably ask him or his father, to do one of the eulogies. Anyone who sees Jackson on the day of the funeral will have no doubt that Kennedy meant a lot to him. Meanwhile he must get in touch with the family, send his condolences. Talk to Jackie. __If there is anything I can do to help.__

Jackson's father will want to travel with him. He will want to make sure Jackson is there, in the right place at the right time. It is all his father has ever cared about really. He smiles to himself as he pictures just what his father will say.

Jackson knows exactly what do do and say; after all, Bucky is not the only one who would have deserved an Oscar for their acting abilities.

Hydra and his father have taught him well.


	46. Chapter 46 - The Dance

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Forty-Six: The Winter Soldier & His Constant - The Dance****

The Winter Soldier has been out of cryo for as long as they are comfortable with. He has already been on mission and it was successful. Now he is back with you, and tomorrow you will both be returned to cryo.

Which means he is yours for the next sixteen hours.

One of the things you have to do before he can be put back to sleep is routine maintenance on his arm. It's nothing alarming; you just need to clean the metal and ensure everything is working. Any mechanical problems are sorted out by the experts.

It is still daylight and you are both sat outside in the small open area leading off from your rooms. It is enclosed by an eight foot wall topped with barbed wire. No-one can get into this area – and you cannot get out.

He is sitting with his head leaning slightly back, feeling the sun on his face, when you sit down next to him. He comes forward and looks at you. He knows you now, and the look in his eyes is so different to when he first returns from programming. The smile he gives you makes your stomach knot and makes your knees weak. Even after all this time, even after all the pain, this man still has such a hold over you.

You place the cloths and oil on the table whilst he sits at the end and stretches his left arm out for you. He has already taken off his tee-shirt and is bare chested, a light sheen of sweat showing from the warm sun. You sit next to him, facing him. In order to begin at the shoulder, you need to lean in close, really close, and you can smell him, feel the heat from his skin, see the soft hair of his body.

You blush and duck your head. He moves closer and you look up straight into those eyes.

"You can get closer if you want," he says and grins at you. He now remembers the effect he has on you. He leans in and softly kisses your lips. You can feel the stubble on his face. How you want to close your eyes and kiss him back.

"Stop it!" you say, putting your hand on his chest to gently push him away. He gives a rare laugh. It is such an odd occurrence to hear him laugh, to have him flirt with you. It seems an age since he last remembered you this well.

You grab one of the cloths and then touch his arm, turning it so that the inside is resting on the table and you can reach just where the metal attaches to the shoulder. You need to check all the plates and rub them clean using the special oil they provide.

 _ _He watches the way her cheeks flush, the way her lips part. The way she gently moves his arm and pretends she doesn't know he is watching her. He loves this shyness of hers because it is so innocent. She leans forward and begins wiping the cloth on the individual plates at the top of the arm, her other hand holding his wrist to keep his arm steady. He wants to reach out and take the cloth away, to stand her up and hold her close, to kiss her and then lay her down and gently make love to her in the sun.__

" _ _Hey, wake up," she says, tapping him. He missed what she has said.__

" _ _I wasn't asleep," he says, and smiles because she can see what is in his mind.__

You blow air through your bangs. This is going to take forever if he isn't going to be serious. You try to be stern.

"You need to flex at the top," you repeat, and he lifts his eyebrows and you can't help but laugh.

"Be serious, will you? I meant your arm!"

"So did I," he says.

He flexes so that the rings at the very top of the arm move and you can clean the metal underneath. The gently whirring mechanism inside ticks over, and slowly you begin to move down, cleaning and getting him to move as and when you need him to, keeping the cloth oiled.

You don't realise when he starts to become serious. Perhaps a memory has unsettled him?

"Why don't I remember you laughing?" he asks quietly.

You try to think of an answer and he sees your hesitation. Things become so serious so quickly it feels as though the sun has gone in.

"Why do you stay?" There it is, the question you were praying he wasn't going to ask.

And so the dance begins. How many times have you danced this dance with him? How many more times will you have it in the future?

You reach for his hand and turn it over, but before you can begin cleaning he catches your hand in his and makes you look at him.

Those serious blue eyes. He is not going to leave this subject alone.

"Why?"

The Dance. It's always the same.

First the hate, then the bewilderment, and then remembrance. Finally, the questions.

You clear your throat and he gently rubs the palm of your hand with his thumb.

"Because I want to," you say, and try to take your hand away. His grip becomes slightly tighter. He will not hurt you, not this one. This is __your__ Winter Soldier.

"I know I hurt you. I always hurt you." His voice shows his puzzlement, his regret. "Why do I do that?"

"I don't know. Look, we really need to finish cleaning..." but before you can go any further he raises your hand up to his lips and kisses it. Then he turns it palm up and kisses your palm.

You swallow. "Don't," you say quietly.

"Why do you stay?"

"Because I love you."

How many times have you told him you love him over the years? Too many to remember.

His eyes widen slightly and he leans in closer. His hair falls forward. It is still shorter from a previous mission but you still want to reach up and brush the fringe back so you can see his face clearly.

And how many times has he told you he loves you?

Never.

"But why?"

 _ _He watches as her jaw tightens. Something has spooked her, something has taken the moment they had away and she frees her hand from his and stands up. She gathers the cloths and oil. She will not look at him. He has upset her and he doesn't know how. He watches as she turns and walks back into the rooms.__

 _ _He watches her move around the kitchen. She puts the things away and then he can see she doesn't know what to do with herself. He stands up and walks in to join her.__

" _ _What upset you? What did I say?" he asks.__

 _ _She turns to look at him, and there is such a sadness in her eyes.__

" _ _It's what you didn't say," she says, and he doesn't understand.__

" _ _What?" he asks, holding both hands out in gentle exasperation.__

You look at him. How can you explain? How can you tell him? You can't. You will never ask him if he loves you. That is something he has to tell you himself, without any prompting from you. And until you hear those three words you will always believe he doesn't.

It is no good getting angry. This is your last night together for who knows how long and you don't want to fight. You don't want him to leave.

"You're not going to tell me, are you?" he says. It's a rare insight for him and you shake your head.

 _ _Memories of her run through his mind. Such sadness, such pain. Has he ever made her happy? He loves her so much and yet all he can see is himself striking out at her, hurting her, and without thinking any more he comes forward and wraps his arms around her.__

" _ _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he whispers into her hair. She holds him tightly.__

" _ _You have nothing to be sorry for." And he pulls back to look at her, his hands come up to cup her head, and then slowly once again he kisses her lips. This time she steps forward and kisses him back.__

" _ _Tell me how much you love me," he murmurs. He needs to hear the words, needs to know she won't ever leave him.__

" _ _I love you," her voice is full of the emotion. He searches her eyes: so large, so sincere.__

 _ _And then they hear it. From somewhere on the camp, a very rare occurrence. Music. It is coming from outside, drifting on the breeze: very soft, very far away.__

 _ _He gently pulls her back outside and then without knowing how he knows to, he places his arm around her waist and holds her left hand. The music is beautiful, gentle, slow, and he begins to move with her, feeling her press against him. She lays her head against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat, and they both close their eyes to move to the soft sounds.__

" _ _Tell me again," his voice so quiet.__

" _ _I love you," she says.__

" _ _You won't leave me?"__

" _ _No."__

" _ _Ever?" And with that she stops and looks up at him. The music dies away. The evening is turning chilly.__

" _ _I will never leave you unless you want me to," she says and reaches up to kiss him.__

" _ _And I will never want you to," is his reply.__

You know if he ever finally remembers who he is then he will never be yours. The ghost of Steve Rogers will always stand between you.

You pull away from him but keep hold of his hand and pull him back inside. You are walking backwards, pulling him over to his bed. You climb on top of it. He stands, watching you. You reach forward and undo the button of his jeans then you get up on your knees so you can kiss him again. Whilst you do your hand moves down inside his trousers to the outline of his erection and you run your hand down the length of it.

He catches his breath but you don't stop kissing him and he moans into your mouth. His hands reach up and start to unbutton your blouse; still kissing you, he pushes the material back. He then breaks the kiss so he can kiss your neck and down your throat.

His lips are warm, dry, but as he moves he licks them and then moves the strap of your bra down to kiss your nipple. You close your eyes and think only of what you can feel. Your hands thread themselves into his hair and you press your body into him so he can reach you and then his hands move downwards and behind so he can unzip the skirt you are wearing.

You both have to pull away to strip completely. This is always the awkward part but the minute you are both free you come together and he moves up on to the bed. He pulls your plait forward to release your hair and then buries his hand in it, pulling you forward to kiss you again and you respond. You go to touch him again but he stops you. He pulls away and, watching you, pushes you down onto the bed.

"I want to make you smile," he says, his voice is husky, and without waiting for a reply he comes closer. He bends and kisses your lips, your eyes, your forehead.

"Keep your eyes closed." And you do.

You hear the bed creak as he moves and then you feel the warmth of his body so close; all your senses are heightened and when he touches you, you almost jump. His hands are touching you, running over your body, and he follows with his lips and his tongue. First your throat, then down to your breasts where he sucks and nibbles. At one point he uses your hair to sweep over your belly until he hears you moan. He kisses where he has swept and then his tongue swirls around your navel whilst his hand gently, very gently, brushes over your labia and then away. The touch so gentle you gasp.

 _ _He can feel her awareness of him touching her, knows that each touch is so sensitive on her skin. He now knows every line of her body, every scar he has put on her, and he kisses them. He can see how his touch transforms her: her skin seems to glow, the small hairs on her arms stand up and she shivers but not because she is cold. He can see her hands are clenched tight to stop herself from reaching out, from pulling him to her and letting him slide deep in between her legs.__

 _ _He looks at her and her eyes are still closed as he instructed, her lips parted, and she bites her lower lip as he lets his hand touch between her legs, briefly, just a promise.__

 _ _He lowers his head, kisses down to the small thatch of hair and then his tongue follows where his hand just touched but again, lightly. It doesn't stay there. He hears her moan again and her legs open wider. He thinks he hears her utter the word please. He runs his tongue over her thigh where the second star is, nibbles the soft raised skin, and his hands run down her legs stroking. Then he swaps to the other thigh and he sees her hand move. It clenches the bed clothes and this time he does hear the word please. Her body is begging him to use his tongue and he moves to put her out of her misery.__

As he touches you between your legs, you open your eyes and look at the ceiling but you are not really seeing anything, just feeling. You close them again. You desperately want him to fuck you, but first you want to feel his mouth on you and it is as if he hears your prayer and you feel his tongue sweep over you. He nibbles at your labia and you think you are going to die. You are so close, you need to feel him inside you and you try to get his attention, but when he looks at you the look in his eyes is pure wickedness and he just keeps at you with his tongue and mouth.

 _ _He feels her let go, feels her give in to herself, and can feel the heat radiating from her body. She is saying something under her breath, begging him not to stop, and then he feels her whole body tense and lift and he knows he has her. She is never loud, never shouts but he hears her gasp as he makes her come.__

 _ _He moves slowly back up her body. She is breathing hard trying to catch her breath and he holds himself over her, his own need showing in the tightness of his erection, but he will wait. She opens her eyes and looks into his and she smiles and blushes all at once. He strokes her hair, runs his fingers down her cheek and she turns her head to kiss them.__

You want to tell him how amazing that was, how he reached every part of you, how you felt his tongue take you, but you don't know what words to use. Your whole body tingles, you feel the warmth between the both of you.

And you smile.

"Tired?" he asks, and you shake your head. He is not expecting you to place your hands on his arms to tip him off balance so he falls to the side and you come up and over him.

You feel abandoned. His body belongs to you now and it is your turn to make him smile. He lies back as you straddle him, and you let your hair fall over your shoulders so it sweeps his body and you feel him shudder as if a cold draught has touched him. Then he watches as you kiss down his chest; you kiss his nipples, gently tease them with your teeth. You reach behind you at his erection which is standing proud and you run your hand down it. He groans and closes his eyes. You move so you are now next to him and you bend your head to gently run your tongue over the tip and then down the side of it. Your hand is at the base and when your head comes forward once again your hair sweeps over his body and he reaches forward and takes a handful of it rubbing it between his fingers.

 _ _His favourite is feeling her mouth on him, feeling himself come in there, but tonight he doesn't want that.__

" _ _Freya," his voice is desperate and she looks up, those eyes of hers dragging him in. She licks her lips and he gulps. "I want to be inside you," he says and she smiles again. He watches as she bends to lick him once more and then moves to straddle him, holding herself over his cock. He tries to remember to breathe as she holds herself open and slowly takes him inside her and he feels her muscles clench around him, holding him firmly. She looks at him and sweeps her hair back over her shoulders so he can see all of her and his eyes roam her body. She starts to move and he moans and closes his eyes, the feel of her around him, moving him, making him desperate. He opens his eyes again and he is so close she can see and she increases the pace until he arches under her, his eyes closed, he moans and his hands clasp her hips driving her right down onto him and burying himself in her as much as he can. And then he explodes, his head tipping back, his mouth groaning as if in pain. He swallows, his body jerks several more times and then he is finished; he comes back down to earth.__

 _ _She moves off him, lying down beside him. She is breathing as heavily as he is. He puts his arm around her and draws her close.__

" _ _Are you all right?" he asks, once he has his breath back.__

" _ _I'm smiling," she says looking at him, and he can't help but laugh.__

You want the world to stop turning, for this point in time to last forever. But a knock at the door interrupts and you glance at the clock.

"Damn it!" You jump up, looking around for something you can put on. There is another knock. "I won't be a minute!" you call out, hopping to put on slippers and grabbing your dressing gown.

 _ _The Winter Soldier smiles to himself at the dishevelled way she is looking as she goes to answer the door, trying to smooth down her hair and tie the belt of her dressing gown at the same time.__

 _ _It is their supper. They have brought it on a trolley, and she wheels it in whilst he listens to her talking to the woman who delivered it. And then they are by themselves again.__

 _ _Because tomorrow they are back in cryo the meal is small: soup and bread. They sit at the table and eat. He sits there in just his underwear and there is a pleasant silence between them both. Then, whilst she goes to tidy up, he goes to shower but at the last moment he turns and heads back to her.__

" _ _Leave that," he says taking her hand and instead pulls her through to the bathroom and they shower together. They are in there so long that the water has turned cold but even so they are both flushed when they emerge to collapse and sleep in the tousled bed.__

 **...**

 _ _The next morning they are both quiet as they walk down to the main room. Before they go inside he stops her. They are by themselves just for a few moments more.__

"Do they wipe you after they have wiped me?" It is a question he has never asked before and you are surprised.

"No," you shake your head whilst he studies you.

"They leave you with your memories?" he asks.

You wonder where this is going. What is he thinking?

"Yes. Yes they do, why?"

He tries to smile. It is sad. "Good," then quieter: "That's good."

You look enquiringly at him and you take his hand and kiss it. "Why do you ask?"

"When we meet next time..." his voice is so quiet you lean closer; he doesn't want anyone to hear the two of you talking. "Remind me of our dance." And then he leans forward and kisses your lips.

You nod because you cannot speak, and you swallow. He nods back and then turns and goes through the doors with you following. You will have to watch them tear him to shreds, watch them take away the memories from last night...but you will not forget.

You will never forget.


	47. Chapter 47 - Behind Closed Doors

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. This chapter has strong sexual content.**

 **...**

Authors note: Just a reminder of who some of the characters are: **  
**Eric Jakobs - Doctor at Hydra Camp **  
**Jackson Caldwell - Winter Soldier Handler **  
**Elise & Peter - Part of the team responsible for programming the Winter Soldier **  
**Kristo Salk - Orderly at Hydra Base **  
**Serge Zolnerowich - Marinov's number two **  
**Stefan Yegorov - Orderly at Hydra Base and friend to Freya **  
**Sophia - Works in the kitchens at Hydra Base

 **...**

 ** **Chapter Forty-Seven: Behind Closed Doors****

The guard pauses to beg a light from his friend. He doesn't know it but his friend will be dead within six months; the cigarette in his mouth is helping bang yet another nail into his coffin. He thinks his weight loss is because he is exercising more, but he is annoyed he is having to get up more to pee in the night. It hasn't occurred to him it might be something else.

He has pancreatic cancer.

"Cold night. Trust you to get the better duty!" But it is said in jest. He is to patrol outside whilst his friend gets to check the corridors within.

Another normal night.

The guard we are following steps into the building and starts to walk the floors. He is looking for anything out of the ordinary but most people are asleep. He knows who and what is behind most of the closed doors.

Although he is conscientious, his mind is also on other things. Her name is Sophia and she works in the kitchens. He has never met anyone like her before, and he is besotted. As he walks along he plans out his whole life with her. And he is lucky. The two of them will stay together, marry and live to see their five children grow up to have families of their own. But all that is all in the future. He is luckier that the other guard in so many ways.

 **...**

 **Eric Jakobs**

We pass the door leading to Eric Jakob's room. He is in there sleeping. It is not a pleasant sleep and in the morning he will wake feeling tired and out-of-sorts. In his dream, he is climbing up a hill. The sun is shining and he can hear the birds sing. The grass is green underfoot and his son is ahead of him, running.

"Wait for me!" he calls. He looks behind him at his wife who is laying out the picnic blanket. Their daughter is helping her. He looks forward again and is beginning to feel apprehensive as his son disappears over the brow of the hill.

"Wait," he calls again. The sky, once blue, is now marred by clouds coming in. He hurries and reaches the top of the hill and can see his son running down the other side, kite string unravelling in his hand, and for a moment he watches the kite lift and soar like some magical beast. Another bank of clouds scud in front of the sun and he shivers as a gentle wind wafts by. He looks back to the kite but it has disappeared. So has his son.

He cannot move.

There is a figure of a young man climbing upwards towards him. The figure is blurred but lifts its hand to wave to him, and as it comes closer he recognises him. It is James Barnes.

Jakobs has forgotten he was here with his son. He has forgotten the day of the picnic. He can see that James is smiling. He is dressed in trousers and a shirt; his hair is short.

Jakobs can smell smoke. He looks around and then to the side of him he can see it. Fire. It is sweeping the side of the hill, scorching the grass, turning it black, turning everything black. The fire will miss him, but not James.

"Run!" he yells frantically, waving at James but all that accomplishes is to make James stop, doubt on his face.

"Run, for Gods' sake, run!" Jakobs yells. He still cannot move so he tries to point towards the fire coming nearer. He sees James' face the minute he realises the danger. But James can't run, instead he is struggling. A long red plant has grown up around his legs, long tentacles growing upward to stop the young man from being able to move. And Jakobs hears his voice.

"Help me." He is looking at Jakobs, but Jakobs still cannot move and has to watch in horror as the fire reaches the struggling form. Then he hears James screaming.

"Help me please! For Gods' sake!"

And then there are no words, just screams of agony as the young man becomes a pillar of fire until the flames sweep past and leaves a blackened twisted husk which sinks slowly to the ground.

Jakobs is crying and gasping. "No...no...no..." He puts his hands over his face and falls to his knees. He can hear the crackling of the fire as it sweeps away down the hillside.

And then he hears the voice again.

He opens his eyes and looks forward. The blackened figure is trying to stand, and as it does it becomes something else. He watches with utter dread as James Barnes becomes the Winter Soldier, who then begins to walk towards him - but this figure has been burned, too. His clothes flutter on him in tatters, the skin underneath blackened, and in places Jakobs can see bone poking through. The figure almost falls but it steadies itself and then continues to make its way towards him, its murderous eyes watching as it comes closer. The lips have been burnt away; the teeth are black and gums swollen. In the figure's right hand and trailing behind on the wind is his son's kite. It is untouched by the fire.

He still cannot move and he is sure that as the figure is getting closer he can smell the burnt flesh and hair. Only the eyes have not been affected by the fire. The accusations in them, the hatred for him. And finally it is only a few feet away and reaching out its skeletal hand, the voice angry, fractious, broken by the fire.

"You could have helped me. You could have __saved__ me."

As the bones of the hand come down onto his shoulder he wakes crying out, brushing his shoulder, almost falling out of bed in his haste to get away from the nightmare figure.

He knows it is just a nightmare. He knows what it is trying to tell him and that there will be no peace from it. It is not every night but enough to make him wish sometimes he could go without sleep. Some nights he swallows a handful of sleeping pills to banish his mind to dreamless sleep.

He swings to sit on the side of the bed, reaching for the lamp and sits there sweat drying on his face.

The guard outside hears nothing.

 **...**

 **Jackson Caldwell**

Jackson Caldwell's bedroom is empty. The guard would expect nothing less. The man seems to hardly need any sleep; they don't know how he does it. He knows he will pass Caldwell's office and the door, although firmly closed, will show the light on under it. Jackson will be in there finishing up for the day and wishing for the umpteenth time that he could allow alcohol onto the base. He reaches for his cup and goes to drink the coffee but it is cold and he grimaces, but drinks it anyway. He is looking at a confidential memo in his hand from his father.

His father is one of the top men in Hydra, making Jackson second generation Hydra.

They have identified a potential threat. Another organisation coming out of the shadows from time to time before slinking back into them. Never letting itself be seen for long enough. It is trying to infiltrate Hydra. It wants its technology. But they do not know who is running it, who is behind it.

Jackson puts the memo into the shredder. It is too dangerous to keep and Jackson will remember the details anyway. He would never dream of letting his father down but until they can find out more, he cannot help. He needs a name and once he has one he can send their asset out to begin destroying.

It doesn't occur to him that his asset __is__ a piece of technology. A piece of Hydra technology. A piece of technology the other organisation may already have on its __wants__ list. The organisation is nowhere near as large and as powerful as Hydra, but it is as hungry. It does not know of the serum but it does know of the fabled blue energy that powers Hydra, that powers the Winter Soldier's arm, and the technology in that arm would be worth millions to them.

They want it. Hydra doesn't know that yet.

Jackson decides to retire for the night, and as he locks his office he wishes the guard walking past a good night.

The guard beams and stands taller. Jackson knows how to look after his staff, how to have them eating out of his hand, wanting to please him. It doesn't take a lot. He has learnt that from his father, the Senator.

As the guard walks along, thinking once again about how he respects the man at the top who even speaks to his subordinates, he turns into the corridor he least likes. It runs along the programming suite. He tries the doors to ensure they are locked. Only once has he been on duty outside those doors when they have been programming the Winter Soldier, and he had never seen someone so torn apart. He does not know which is worse; watching the wiping machine tear the soldier to pieces or the programming suite put him back together again. There is not a lot of difference in the screams that emanate in both procedures. One just goes on longer than the other.

The doors are firmly locked. He can rest easy and carry on.

 **...**

 **Elise**

Her room is always quiet but sometimes if they listen carefully they can hear her talking to herself. She is an odd woman, one they cannot get to like. In fact, very few people like her: she is cold, unbending. Perhaps if they __knew__ they would be more understanding, but no-one knows about her past. It is what made her who she is today. She hates so deeply sometimes that it makes her feel sick and she turns to drink. The only one who knows this secret is Peter, but he does not know __why__ she drinks. He loves her; again he doesn't know why but he does and all he can do is try and protect her whilst she spends her time pushing him away. She will never be able to love, her hatred is all-consuming.

She hates men. She hates soldiers.

And most of all, she hates Americans.

Unfortunately, the Winter Soldier is all three.

When they are programming him, she and Peter frequently argue about how deep the programming is done. Peter knows some of it doesn't need to be done with the parameters set so high but Elise will always place the equipment at their highest setting. She wants it to hurt.

She will always punish the Winter Soldier for what happened to her.

At the age of fifteen, Elise had her entire life ahead of her. She was innocent. People liked her, her parents loved her. She made them proud, their beautiful daughter. She could not wait for the day when she would meet the man of her dreams, settle down, and have a family. Her dreams were always what made her innocent.

Until the Americans came to the small French town where she lived. Until she fell head over heels in love with a soldier, one that turned her head and for the first time ever persuaded her to disobey her parents.

Her curfew was nine o'clock, and once she was in bed her parents would finish up the day and retire, never checking on their daughter because there would be no need to ever do that.

Twice he had seen her in the market and talked to her. Then the third day he made her promise to see him again – that night.

So for the first time ever she dressed in her best clothes and snuck out when she should have been asleep in bed. She felt so grown up, so alive, so happy that she kept giggling to herself. His name he said was Ted, short for Edward. He is was handsome in his uniform, so gallant when he helped her at the market earlier, so attentive. She was a beautiful girl and he told her so. Asked her to go dancing with him that night.

She knew her parents would say no. She had already heard her mother talking with the other mothers over how brash and free and easy these American soldiers were.

Elise didn't realise just how much her mother was right. She didn't know it was Ted's last night here. Didn't know how he had watched her body, her lips, and decided he wanted them.

Didn't know what she was really letting herself in for.

He persuaded her to meet him, told her how grown up she was. How he would treat her like a lady, dance with her, and see her home afterwards.

She always remembers that when she is at her most insobriety. He did see her home afterwards. Did he lie to her?

He treated her like a lady.

He danced with her.

He saw her home.

It was everything that happened in between that destroyed her life.

He had taken her to a club in the next town over. But what she thought was a date between them turned out to be date of four: her, and thee soldiers. She was nervous but they treated her so courteously. Smiled at her, danced with her, taught her new moves, asked her questions, made her feel like a princess whilst they plied her with alcohol. She had only ever drunk small amounts of wine before at home. No spirits.

As the time got later she forgot about her parents, forgot about getting home - until the cold air hits her.

Instead of being at home, safe in her bed, she was lying in the middle of a cornfield, the corn stalks flattened around her. Two of them were holding her down whilst Ted undid her dress, pulled off her underwear and then raped her. And then the others took their turn. She tried to struggle, tried to say no, tried to stop them, but the drink had muddled her brain, numbed her mouth, and each time they took her one of them covered her mouth with their dirty hand. They didn't want to hear what she was saying, what she was begging.

When they had finished they put her back in the car. She had been sick down her dress and her hair was knotted, tangled. They saw her to the outskirts of her small town, opened the car door, pushed her out to find her way to her home. She had no shoes, her underwear was missing, her dress torn, her skin bruised, scratched. Worse, her soul was open and bleeding.

How she got to her front door she never remembered. It was locked. She went around to the back door; her intention at the beginning of the evening was to climb back into her bedroom via the window she had left ajar. Now, sobbing, she found the back door key and stumbled into the kitchen and up the stairs to her parents bedroom.

She wanted her mother. She needed safety. She was in shock.

When she had first stumbled into their room her parents could not work out what had happened. Their daughter was standing there crying, her clothes torn. They listened to her hysterical ramblings, took in her appearance, smelt the alcohol on her breath and the vomit on her clothes.

And then they realised the truth.

And what did they do? Something much worse than what the soldiers had done to her.

They were hysterical. They told her it was her own fault. They told her she was dirty, that she was a whore. How could she let them down like this? They had thought more of her. What would happen if the neighbours found out? Their friends? Their __priest__?

Instead of being there for her, they withdrew their love. Showed her nothing but anger and contempt. Her mother took her to the bathroom, told her to remove her clothes and then scrubbed her poor and broken body until it bled more. Told her she would never be clean again, that she was spoilt. No man would ever want her. She had ruined her own life.

They told their friends she was unwell and that is why they did not see her as often walking down the street, or out running errands. Every day they made her kneel at her bedside for hours to pray for forgiveness. To pray for being such a bad daughter, for being a sinner.

Her father would never look at her again.

And Elise?

Elise not only lost her innocence that night, she lost her life. She became quiet, almost a recluse. She didn't smile any more. She withdrew into herself. She believed everything her parents told her about herself and she learnt to hate. And whilst she knelt there, she learnt to internalise everything, learnt that no-one would ever be there for her. People say they love you, but they lie.

No one could ever love her. And she would never be able to love someone again.

But...hate? That was something she could do.

At times, when they are running the script for the Winter Soldier's new perception of his Constant, Elise sometimes would whisper in his ear whilst he took in the information, piggybacking her cruel words into the programming. She would rub between his legs, make him hard, tell him how Freya slept with the other men, fucked the other men, how she was such a whore. And afterwards Peter would ask her why she hated the woman so much. Her reply was always one that Lehmann would have applauded.

"Because she loves him, and she is a fool. She deserves all she gets."

Those soldiers took her life that day, and she has been on borrowed time ever since.

There were days Peter would find her so drunk she was unable to even put herself to bed. He would cover for her, hide the bottle, despairing because he could not find out where she was getting the alcohol from. He cannot ask anyone to help him.

He tries to stop Elise from spilling all her vitriol into the Winter Soldier's ear as they programme him. But most times all he can do is listen to the evil she is saying, watching as her hand made the Winter Soldier hard and then leaves him wanting.

Those days were always the worst, and today had been such a day.

 **...**

 **The Winter Soldier & His Whore**

The guard can hear the foot fall behind him getting closer. The person is not trying to disguise the fact he is there, if he had been the guard would have never have known until it was too late. He turns not realising the Winter Soldier would be so close to him and he cannot help but step back as the man glowers at him.

"Just doing my rounds," the guard stutters, as if he has to explain himself. This Soldier terrifies him, not just because he is taller, meaner, but because he has only recently been programmed and they know at this time he is at his worst.

The Soldier has been running. The guard knows this because he saw him earlier. He still looks pent up and yet he must have run for miles. He can see the anger in him, and the guard flattens himself against the wall as the soldier looks at him once more before striding past and up to the door of his quarters. He looks back at the guard who hurries past and keeps going. He doesn't want to know what will happen behind that closed door this night.

The Winter Soldier opens the door quietly and goes into his rooms. He is still angry, still ready to hurt someone. He thinks about what they told him in programming. The truth about the woman he is with.

It is late, and the woman has gone to bed but she is supposed to be here for him and he feels the anger inside him build. A rush of adrenaline surges through his body and he groans inwardly.

He wants her. Needs the release. They have said she is his but told him she sleeps with other men. How many men has she had before him? He hadn't wanted to touch her, pushed her away when she tried to touch him earlier but now his balls ache and when he takes a shower he finds he cannot relieve himself, cannot have the release he so badly needs.

She is in her bed asleep, on her back, one hand thrown up next to her head, the other resting on her front. It is warm in the room and the blankets are pushed down. She has left two lamps on for when he comes back so he can find his way about. He can see her clearly.

A gentle breeze is coming in from one of the patio doors. He looks at her. He has watched her sleep many times before but he doesn't know that. He watches the rise and fall of her chest; can see the outlines of her nipples against her nightdress, her soft skin, and he can smell her delicate perfume. Her mouth. He wants to feel the touch of it on his skin; the very thought of it making him so hard it hurts.

He can see the red star on the top of her left arm. He wonders who carved it into her, and if it was done to please him? It's as if she has been branded, a red star meaning she belongs to the Winter Soldier, to him alone. He hasn't seen her naked this time yet, doesn't know she has another small less visible star carved into the top of her inside thigh, another warning should anyone think she was free. She is not, and in that she is exactly the same as him, a prisoner - only hers is through choice. Or so she believes.

He has a memory of stroking that skin and he knows how it would feel. Soft. It angers him that he must have used her before but he can't remember but at the same time he feels a tightening of his balls. He needs her...but who else has touched her before? Does she still sleep with other men? He sees the way her hair is still curled in a ponytail and laying on the pillow but it is fighting to come out of its confinement and he wants to run it through his finger tips.

He steps closer and touches it and it wakens her. He sees fear in her eyes before she tries to mask it. He doesn't want her to talk, doesn't want her to touch him. He will do the touching. He is so close to coming. Without considering what he is doing, his hand tightens on her hair and he climbs on the bed, kneeling over her forcing her arms down by her side and trapping her shoulders with his knees either side of her. He sees the fear resurface and it makes him harder and the pain in his balls starts to throb.

She tries to move but he doesn't let her. She tries to talk but he doesn't listen. Just puts more pressure on her so that she is having trouble breathing. He doesn't know, doesn't remember that he has raped her before many times, before he knows who she truly is.

Elise has done her job well. This time he doesn't want to fuck her down there, where the other men have been. He wants to fuck her mouth, watch as she struggles, as she begs him with her eyes to stop. He clenches her hair in his fist and then moves that hand under her head pulling it up. Her eyes are wide and he can feel her body tremble under him, he has so much power over her.

"Open your mouth," he growls and he watches as she hesitates. A single tear rolls down her face. "I said...open your mouth, whore." His hand tightens even more and she whimpers but does what he says.

He leans forward, using his metal hand to pull down his shorts and release himself, then he uses it to lean against the wall above her bed. He pushes his hard cock into her mouth and he brings her head up higher. He doesn't do it slowly but rams it in straight down her throat and he feels the soft wetness of her mouth and he is so close it won't take a lot of thrusting to come.

He watches her face each time he thrusts himself in. She is choking, he can hear her, she is trying to move her arms, trying to move her head but he has such a tight grip on her. He can see her eyes are wide with panic and he can hear her trying to cough and then he feels himself coming. His head goes back and he closes his eyes, teeth clenched and he explodes into her mouth, into her throat. His body is shuddering and he opens his eyes and looks back down at her. He knows his semen is running down her throat making her cough and choke, she is crying, her eyes watering because she cannot breathe.

He knows it won't be long until she stops breathing and he watches, fascinated by the way he is still jerking in her mouth as if everything has slowed. He nearly misses it, the point he __needs__ to let her breathe, but he has finished and pulls away from her, letting go of the wall and her hair at the same time. Watching as she tries to turn her head, tries to sit up but he is still pinning her down. She is able to free one of her hands and it beats pathetically against his leg trying to get him to move, and he does.

He climbs off the bed as she comes up leaning over the side vomiting onto the floor, semen mixed with food, bile, and she is coughing hard. Her hands clench the side of the bed, her nightdress rucked up as she vomits again, crying and trying to take in air. He watches impassively and steps back as the liquid seeps towards his feet. Then she is holding herself up, trying to wipe her face with the edge of the sheet, breathing heavily before she has to turn again and this time it is just bile she brings up. She is aware of him just stood there and he doesn't know but it is breaking her heart. She wants to ask him to help her but she knows he won't. She is nothing to him at this point.

She gulps and lays back on the bed. She doesn't smell so sweet now. He can smell the disgusting cloying acrid vomit and her face is sweaty and smeared with tears. She has vomited down her nightdress and part of the bed and her eyes are closed and she is concentrating on breathing. How could he have used her? How could he have touched her? She disgusts him. As if she can read his thoughts she opens her eyes but avoids looking at him. Instead she tries to sit up using the side of the bed and then swings her feet around, narrowly missing the mess on the floor.

He steps back again and this time she looks up at him and her eyes are full of sadness. He feels nothing but disgust as he looks at her and then he turns and walks away to clean himself up, clean her smell of his cock. He no longer feels hyper. The adrenaline has drained from his muscles, from his body, his balls no longer ache and he needs to sleep.

When he comes out of the bathroom he can see her on her knees trying to clear up the mess she has made but he ignores her. She has served her purpose and is no longer of interest. He climbs into his bed and is asleep by the time she goes by to get to the bathroom. He doesn't see the wide path she treads to make sure she is as far away from him as she can be. He doesn't hear her retch again in there or know she is crying whilst she showers the mess away. Why should he. She is nothing to him, nothing at all.

 **...**

 **Kristo Salk**

Just a few more places for the guard to check and then he will end up in the canteen. Sophia is on duty tonight and he will be pleased to see her. He has been practising in his head on what he wants to say to her, on how to ask her out, and he is wired.

He sees the orderly, Kristo, and stops for a few moments to chat with him before Kristo opens his door to go to bed for the night. He has been on the late shift and will be glad to fall into bed.

Once he has closed the door and switched the light on, Kristo moves around the room, humming. He will grab a shower and then crash into bed. He is not on again until midday tomorrow so will have plenty of time to sleep. He runs over the conversation he had earlier with Serge Zolnerowich. They are trying to locate where the alcohol is coming into the camp, and Serge knows how Kristo can usually get anybody anything for a price - but Kristo has to admit this time it is not him.

"I haven't a clue," he tells Serge when Serge asks him who it is, and the thing with Kristo is he is easy to believe because he is one of life's gentle people. Kristo hates lying to people. Of course he knows who is responsible, but he also knows the penalty attached to the crime. He will warn the person to keep a low profile instead. Kristo has seen too much of death in this camp and does not want to see any more.

He climbs into bed, switches the light out, and pulls the covers over his shoulders. He prays he will have a nightmare-free night. On normal days he can more or less guarantee it, but on days the Winter Soldier is awake the dreams come back to haunt him. He only ever saw the aftermath of what was done each time to the American but despite Kristo at the time thinking he was worldly-wise, he knows now he wasn't. He didn't realise just what cruel things people could do to one another.

 **...**

 **Stefan Yegorov**

Stefan closes his door quietly seconds before the guard comes around the corner. He leans against it as the guard walks by and listens to the receding footsteps. It would not have been bad if the guard had seen him just coming back to his rooms...but it was something he didn't want to advertise.

It is not often Stefan feels this relaxed, but this is how Jan makes him feel. Both men know it isn't love; it is more a sharing of how they are in life but each is grateful to have each other, to feel normal in their presence, to be able to talk to.

And good sex is always an added bonus.

He undresses and gets into bed. He is on an early start in the morning. The Winter Soldier will be on mission and whilst he and Freya are out of cryo there is some serious maintenance that needs to be done on the pods. He also needs to see if he can talk to Eric and Eduard. They need to discuss how Stefan is going to try and get in on the latest undertaking being brought into their compound.

Computers.

Jackson Caldwell has been a good thing for Project Winter Soldier and he always wants to keep everything up to date. They are going to be investing in new hardware for not just the cryo-freeze suite, but for the main room as well and he is keen to computerise as much of the work as he can. Whilst Jakobs says it goes way over his head, Stefan is more open to what is happening and understands more. He has already made Caldwell aware of how he would like to learn more about the future technology and how it can be incorporated into their project.

At the moment the information they hide is written down or on tape. Think how much better it would be if it was hidden within the projects mainframes, updated and kept safe. There for all eternity.

As he falls asleep Stefan's last thoughts are back on Jan and when they can next see each other. He remembers the feel of Jan's lips on his, how his hands moved over him, and he tingles. He sees Jan's smile again and how he leant so close to Stefan. He remembers the first time they slept together, worried that someone would find them but excited that they had found each other, trying to be quiet but actually giggling almost hysterically when they heard someone walk by. Stefan had held his hand over Jan's mouth without thinking just as Jan had come. Both had done their best to be quiet but it had almost been too much for them.

Maybe it isn't love at the moment, but who knows what the future holds.

 **...**

 **Sophia**

Sophia walks backward through the kitchen door, tray in hand, and sees her guard sitting watching for her. She smiles. He is such a beautiful man, one who makes her heart flutter each time she sees him. She loves the way his uniform makes him look so strong, so manly, and she blushes as he calls her over.

"I can't stay long," she says as she sits down quickly looking to the kitchen to make sure no one is watching.

He is blushing as well. These two are well suited.

"Um, I just wondered..." he begins and she looks at him attentively aware of the seriousness in his voice, the way he is trying to look at her but shyly keeps looking down at his hands. "We're both on day shift next week so I wondered if one evening you would like to...well you know, er, go out?"

He finally looks at her and she smiles.

"I would love that," she says and wants to laugh at the surprise on his face, the utter delight that follows.

He is about to suggest something when someone calls Sophia from the kitchen and she jumps up.

"I finish at 7am. Come and see me. I just have to take their breakfast to them in the morning and then I'm free, we can talk then," she says, referring to the Winter Soldier and The Constant.

"I'll still be on duty so I'll come with you," he says. He knows that the girls from the kitchen do not like to go to the Winter Soldier's quarters by themselves. It is not that they have ever had any problems; they just do not know what to say to the woman when it is obvious she has been abused or is crying. They feel uncomfortable. They rarely even catch a glimpse of the Soldier himself.

Sophie walks backwards to the kitchen and knocks into a chair. She giggles, nods and then disappears back into the kitchen.

Time for him to check in with his counterpart before they start their rounds all over again but this time he feels as light as air.

She said yes. What could be more thrilling than that?


	48. Chapter 48 - The File

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Forty-Eight: The Constant & The Winter Soldier - The File****

You should be grateful. At least they find you something to do, something to keep your mind occupied.

You were woken three days ago and the Winter Soldier was woken twenty-four hours later. Since then, you have hardly seen him during the day time. The mission itself was a brief one but Jackson Caldwell wants to take the opportunity to upgrade the Winter Soldier's weapons training whilst he is out of cryo. The training is intense; he comes back each night shattered, but at least this time he remembers more about you than he has done before. He allows you to talk with him, share meal times, showers, and his bed. He even suggests getting rid of the single bed in the corner but you shake your head. He doesn't remember that there are times when he completely forgets who you are and then that is the only place you have to sleep.

Out of the many jobs they have listed down for you to do at some time you have chosen the least interesting one. You just want to get it out of the way. You look around the room. It is unsuitably large for its purpose: the Records Room. The up-to-date records are pristine, filed beautifully; but there, in the corner, almost forgotten, are five old filing cabinets that were transferred here from the old base. Forgotten...for how many years? You don't want to know. You don't even really know what year it is now. Why should you? It is of no interest to you. If you do think about it, you find panic tightening your chest.

You really don't want to know.

There is talk that they are going to be adding a __computer__ system to the room, and Caldwell is keen for you to learn about using one. You aren't. But it is something for the future - for now you will settle for plain old fashioned paperwork.

Several tables and chairs are placed at points around the room. Someone has conveniently moved a set to the corner where you will be working. Your back will be to the door but by a window so at least you can look out and see the daylight. You are still feeling fatigued from being in cryo, the tiredness seems to last longer these days and sometimes you never really shake it off before you are put back in your metal coffin. You wonder if the Winter Soldier ever feels the same. You know that the headaches he experiences are far worse than the ones you get...but then again, you do not have your mind constantly wiped and reprogrammed.

The cabinets you need to go through and sort out are old, grey, filthy, and of course locked tight with no keys available. It takes two hours to find someone who can drill the locks out for you, and you don't start looking in the drawers until late morning. You start at the top, meaning to work your way down, but one look at the folders and you know it is not going to be that easy.

These drawers hold all the paperwork from the old base. Everything from security reports to invoices for supplies. Doctors do not make good paper-pushers and they left a lot of that work to the nurses who were recruited from the Gulags. They didn't give a shit about their patient so what made them think they cared about the paperwork? The drawers are a mass of paper, torn, damp and even mouldy in places, doctors files are spilling out and mixing with receipts for ammunition rounds.

You gather the first lot of paper in your arms and drop it down on the table top, then taking a seat you start to divide it into groups. At the end of that first pile you are dusty, your hands filthy, and your back hurts. It's days like this you wish you had access to a bath as well as a shower.

It is 3pm. You don't know where the time has gone and you need to eat something. A quick visit back to your rooms, a wash up and a sandwich then, bringing a coffee back with you, you spend the rest of the day working through the rest of the drawer. At the end you have several stacks of paper and two bags of rubbish that will need burning. Nothing is ever just thrown away here. Everything not wanted is burnt, destroyed completely.

Or so you believe.

That evening the Winter Soldier gets back late again and you can see he is tired despite the serum coursing around his body. You both go to bed early and you fall asleep with him spooning you.

 **...**

In the morning it all starts again and you find yourself back in the Records Room for another day of sorting. You are starting to get some sort of order in your mind of what to do and you begin to shuffle the paper into new folders which you then add to a new set of filing cabinets specially bought for the purpose.

You are onto the fourth drawer of the first cabinet when you run into a problem. This drawer is literally so stuffed full of paper and cardboard and it takes you a while to even open it. You grab handfuls of paper and files and drop them next to you on the floor and finally the drawer starts to open all the way.

You peer to the back and there is one final file caught up. After a lot of pulling and swearing, it comes lose and you pull it out. You put it with all the others and then pick up the top part of your pile and put it on the table sitting down ready to sort. The pile is unsteady, the paperwork and files begin to slide off, falling to the floor.

"Goddamn it!" You crouch down to pick the top file up and a small photo falls out that takes your breath away.

It is of James Barnes.

You pick the file up and the loose photo and sit up, pushing paperwork out of the way to give you a clear space. The file is thick and split around the edges, the pages rucked up where it had got caught in the drawer. You smooth it out but you can't stop looking at the photograph of James. He is in his American service uniform and the picture was taken when he first joined the service. You know this because you have seen the shot once before. Years ago when they were determined to break James Barnes mind they showed him a newsreel from home. On that news reel was a series of photographs of him. And now one of them is the one in your hand.

You don't want to stop looking at it but the file is in front of you. It was put together before you were forcibly recruited to the project. Putting the photo down so that you can still see it, you open the file.

There are two more copies of the photograph paper clipped into the front of the file. The rest of the file consists of written and typed reports and a packet of photographs.

It starts in 1942 when Zola gets his hands on an American serviceman captured by the Nazis, and for the next month explains in detail the experimentation done on him. His name is James Buchanan Barnes of the 107. The serum was being tested on him with pleasing results; he was kept sedated but, unfortunately for Zola, he was rescued before the experimentation could be continued. There is another photograph also of James clipped into the file at this point. He is lying on a table and you can see how heavy the sedation is. His eyes are half-closed and someone is injecting something into his arm.

The rest of the pages of this particular report are nothing but torn shreds. Odd words here and there that seem to have no relevance. You turn to the last of these torn pages. It has the word __cancelled__ stamped on it.

The next set of pages are in better condition. They begin in 1944, when a memo to the KGB states that an American Serviceman named James Barnes is being held in an interrogation camp. He is refusing to give any information as to how he was found in a Russian hospital field camp. The report states he is seriously injured but somehow alive despite his injuries.

His name has been heavily underlined by someone.

There is then a communication between the KGB and Zola's team, a request for further information, a description of the American, and finally a memo saying two of the doctors from Zola's team will go out to the interrogation camp with a KGB officer.

Your eyes keep glancing at his photograph. You miss him terribly. You had forgotten how young he had looked. The packet of photographs sits staring at you, you want to open it but first you need to read more to see what happened. Stefan had told you that he had heard that James had come in from an interrogation camp with terrible injuries, but it was before his time and that was all he knew.

A confidential memo was then sent to Zola's team and the head of KGB. They believed the man to be Zola's former test subject and he was being brought back to the experimentation facility - but they were not sure he would survive. The injuries sustained at the camp were so bad they are not sure if the amount of Zola's serum in his blood is enough to repair the damage done. The serum at that time was still highly experimental and prone to failure.

The last paragraph recommends that the interrogation camp be disbanded __with extreme prejudice__ , followed by anyone at the field hospital who may have seen the American. And that included the initial Russian patrol that found him.

You turn the page and the next one is handwritten. You recognise the handwriting; it is Doctor Jakobs. He was one of the doctors who visited the camp. He identified James and brought him back. It describes the conditions that he found James Barnes being held in and as you read his words your hand goes to your mouth and you feel nauseous.

He listed the injuries. They are sickening.

Included in the list are those injuries that he had sustained when he was first found, but the others are from his time in the interrogation camp.

For a minute you have to stop reading and you look up and out of the window. How can the world out there still be turning when such atrocities are committed? How can anyone believe in anything when things like that are allowed to happen?

You start to read again. Jakobs says that at first he did not even know if it was James Barnes as the man was so badly beaten; it was only the unnatural heat emanating from his body that made him think it might be.

He had been starved and was badly dehydrated. When they had found him he was naked and shivering on a concrete floor in a disgustingly dirty cell. His head had been shaved and the skin sliced right through to the bone. Someone had driven iron nails into the stump of what was left of his arm. Here the report states the arm was lost prior to his arrival at the camp. His right arm was broken in three places, and so were all of his fingers.

His right foot had been placed in a torture device; a wooden box they had placed over the foot. Turning a handle caused metal plates inside the box to begin to squeeze the foot until all the bones were broken and toes crushed. The other foot looked like it has been skinned and the nails are missing. His face was badly swollen, one eye completely shut and the other bloodshot, infected and they don't know if they can save it.

There were cigarette burns over his body even on his genitals, which were swollen. It is more than obvious he had been raped many times. Bruising covered most of his body where he had been kicked and beaten and when they x-rayed him they found his ribcage was out of alignment, one broken rib is so close to his heart that it caused them to panic about moving him any more in case it pushed it into the delicate muscle. There were small knife marks down each side of his chest where a knife has been pushed in and used to separate ribs which explained his difficulty in breathing. He was also listed as having fluid in his lungs. Your hand moves to the side of your rib cage and you feel for a moment, the pain of having a knife driven in between the ribs.

When they took him from you at the field camp you prayed he would not suffer any more; you had asked God to help him. You know what he has suffered at the hands of the project doctors but you didn't know until now what had happened to him at the interrogation camp. You feel so sick, tears threaten and you don't want to read any more.

You don't want to but you pick up the envelope of photographs and empty them onto the table. They are black and white but it does not lessen the horror shown in them.

This is how James Barnes looked when he was found and brought here by Dr Jakobs and __you__ let them do it to him, __you__ were the one who caused this. You did not protect him. He was your patient and you let them take him. The photographs show the different injuries, some close up, some full body shots and you think you are going to be sick. One shows the stump of his left arm with the nails driven into it, one nail splitting the marrow, pus and blood weeping out of it. You sit there, not taking anything else in, your mind closing down, this can't be true, he couldn't of had all this done to him and you whisper his name.

And that is when you realise you are not alone.

That is when someone reaches past you. A metal hand. It picks up the small photograph of James.

He is trained to be so quiet, so very quiet.

You spin around and the Winter Soldier is standing behind you, close. Close enough to see everything in front of you. He looks at the photograph in his hand and then back to you. He is pale, his eyes wide, you can see the shock deep in them.

You don't know how long he has been standing there.

"Oh God!" Your reaction is to stand up and try and reach out to him but he steps away from you. His eyes are on the material on the table. You look back and try to move the photographs but his metal hand takes yours, the hold tightens and you think he is going to break the bones.

 _ _He looks down at the images. He reads the words. She had no idea he was standing there. He stops her when she goes to move them, when she goes to hide them. He__ knows __it is him in the photographs. He even feel twinges of pain around his body, the metal arm that was once just a stub. How did this happen? Where are these from?__

"This is me?" his voice is rough.

Although it is a question you can see he already knows the answer. He looks back at you, confusion and then fury showing in those eyes.

"This is me?" You don't know it but his head is beginning to ache, the photographs stirring something and flashbacks are lining up ready to show themselves to him.

"I'm so sorry, you shouldn't have seen these. I didn't know they existed...I'm so sorry..."

He doesn't let you finish. He picks up the file and holds it up to you.

"This is me? This is my name? This is who I am..." his eyes search yours. "Why am I in an American uniform? Why..." he can't speak and instead throws the folder at you. You try to catch it as the papers fly out and around you.

 _ _He watches her, misreads the panic in her eyes. Believes it is panic for herself, for Hydra: that he has seen the truth. He throws the folder at her, the papers spilling out and she tries to catch them but misses and they float to the floor until they are standing in a sea of paper and images.__

His voice is quiet now. "You didn't tell me. You never told me!"

Told him what? That this had been done to him? That it was Hydra who had taken this soldier and beaten him, tortured him. Taken his memories. Made him their toy?

" _ _I couldn't...please understand. I couldn't." She is crying. Again, he misunderstands. He thinks she couldn't tell him because she is loyal to Hydra, because she__ helped _ _them do this.__

He bends and sweeps everything off the table and then upends it. You step backwards but he grabs your hand again and this time pulls you close to him.

"I trusted you. You are the one person I always think..." he can't finish and instead his metal hand moves up around your throat and he pushes you backwards until you hit the wall.

You can't talk, you can't breathe, the floor around you is surrounded by photographs of him. Tortured.

Your free hand tries to pull his away but you know it is impossible. You think he is going to kill you but instead he suddenly pulls you to the floor to your knees and picking up individual photographs, pushing them in your face.

" _ _Were you watching when they did this to me? Did you enjoy the show?"__

 _ _He picks up another one, shoves it in her face, keeps the pressure still on her throat. "Did you help them?"__

 _ _Then he sees one that makes his eyes glaze over.__

 _ _It is a full length one and showcases the damage done when he was raped. He can see the cigarette burns, remember someone holding him down, the smell of the dirty mattress, the way things echoed in the cell, the look in the guards eyes as they waited their turn. A flashback hits him and he lets go of her and staggers up and backward.__

" _ _No..." the photograph is still in his clenched hand and it is bending and tearing with the pressure.__

You should run but you can't, you can't leave him like this. You stand up and step forward with your hands out. You want to help him but you don't know how.

"Please, I'm so sorry...this wasn't done here, this wasn't..." your words focus his attention back on you and this time when he hits you he means to kill you. Your body flies back into the wall, smashing the back of your head and knocking you unconscious. The wall is cracked from the impact and your skull is fractured, your left arm broken.

 _ _He walks up to her prone body.__

" _ _You bitch," he whispers and lifts his foot to smash her skull. He is a killer. He has killed many people but he can't bring himself to end her life even though he wants to so badly. He had trusted her. He had trusted HYDRA. The implications are registering in his brain but his programming has taken this into account and triggers the headache, making it so bad he is nearly brought to his knees.__

 _ _He throws the picture down next to her but picks up the small one of him in his American uniform and staggers away.__

 _ _The unfortunate thing is that no one sees him leave the records room. No one knows what has happened.__

 **...**

The first thing that alerts anyone to something being wrong is when an alarm goes off on the perimeter fence. Guards and dogs discover where the alarm has been tripped. More soldiers swarm out of the barracks, but when they get to the fence they cannot find a breach. The dogs, however, are at the bottom of the nearby tower barking furiously. The first soldiers on site use their walkie talkies to talk to the guards up in the tower but there is no response. Nothing.

Marinov and Zolnerowich arrive in one of the Jeeps and take in the situation. Marinov is already climbing the ladder before his brief has even been finished, Zolnerowich and several guards following.

What they find up there is sheer slaughter. Both guards killed, their windpipes smashed. Marinov looks over the side, towards the forest. He can see where the grass is flattened. Only one person could make that climb down half way and then survive the jump.

The Winter Soldier.

He relays the information to Jackson Caldwell.

The Winter Soldier is not in his quarters. A report is just being made that he has not turned up for training, and they cannot find the Constant either. The conclusion is that they have escaped and a search goes into immediate effect. Teams are drawn up, more dogs brought in, and different rifles handed out. They do not want to harm him but these have enough tranquilliser in them to bring down a bear.

They know the camp is in the middle of a forested area. The only roads are the ones in and out of the camp with a small road at the back; otherwise there are no civilians, no houses, nothing for seventy miles.

The guards are joined by soldiers, but most importantly they are joined by the Winter Soldier's own team.

They will take the lead.

They have been trained for this, for emergencies.

The Winter Soldier will be hunted and found. He will be brought back and so will his Constant. She will be dealt with extreme prejudice if needed. This will not be allowed to happen again. When they are training for such an occurrence the scent they use with the dogs is always the Winter Soldier's, and so when they are given his scent they are baying immediately.

They do not know it yet but when he got out of the camp his ability to think, to plan, was too highly compromised. He doesn't even know where he is going. He is just running.

He has a tracking monitor in his arm but there is too much interference for it to show his exact whereabouts and it is three hours before they find him. They only manage to because he has been brought down by a migraine so bad that he feels his head is splitting open.

He is already on his knees when they circle him but nobody takes any chances. He is a mess, he is bleeding from both his nose and his ears, his eyes are bloodshot, and there is a crazy fury showing in them. He will kill anyone that comes anywhere near him.

 _ _He can hear them approach but his head is splitting. He has been sick, his limbs are weak, trembling. Caldwell would be pleased that the programming was controlling him so well.__

 _ _He does not know who he is, he does not know where he is, but he knows he wants to go home and when he thinks that a terrible tiredness comes over him. He can see images in his mind, people, places but he does not know who they are, where they are. All he wants is to run, to get away, to go home, wherever home is.__

 _ _He sees them approach and his training kicks in vying for his attention with the migraine that is disabling him. Such an anger surges up through him and he staggers up to face them.__

He lurches up and they do not even try to talk him down. They know what he is capable of and as he comes up they fire the first darts straight into him. The shots knock him backwards but he just manages to stay on his feet.

 _ _He stumbles forwards again. Blood splatters the forest floor. He wipes his arm over his nose, tries to clear his eyesight. The dogs go crazy. They can smell the blood, they can smell him, they are straining to be let off their leashes. They are trained not to kill him but they__ will __bring him down.__

"Stay back!" Adam Morton, the leader of the team, shouts to the soldiers. They all have their rifles aimed at this one man who could easily kill them all.

They think he is going to rush at them but he doesn't. Instead he turns and tries to stagger away. Each member of the team look at one another. Adam raises his rifle and shoots the Winter Soldier in the back. He is wearing only a tee-shirt and combat trousers so the dart goes through the material with no problem.

Adam reloads and shoots him again and the Winter Soldier stumbles and goes down onto his knees again.

"Don't get up, you stupid son of a bitch," Adam says under his breath.

They walk closer to him but he is struggling to rise again. Viktor shoots and another dart is fired into his back; the momentum of it pushes him down. Adam and Viktor rush in and kneel on the Winter Soldier's back pulling his arms back and handcuffing them whilst Rodion works quickly on deactivating his metal arm.

They turn him over. His eyes are wide, staring. The look in them makes Adam feel sick.

"You stupid fool. Where the hell were you going?" Adam asks him but he does not expect a reply.

He is barely conscious, lying there, blood dripping down his face, into his hair, onto the earth below. His eyes look so lost that Adam cannot help but feel so terribly sorry for him. He realises there are tear marks tracked through the blood, the Winter Soldier is crying.

"Home," is the word Adam hears him utter.

The Winter Soldier cannot keep his eyes open any longer and finally they close. As he falls into unconsciousness his right hand opens and they see he is clutching a piece of paper. No, not paper, a photograph. Adam picks it up as it falls onto the forest floor.

He looks at it. "Fuck."

"What is it?"

He shows Rodion and Viktor

They are quiet. They have never seen it before but they recognise the man in it even though he is dressed in an American service uniform.

"Get rid of the guards. Tell them we'll bring him back in." Adam looks up and around.

"Where the hell is the Constant? What the hell happened?"

 **...**

Back at the camp Caldwell and Adam are watching Doctor Jakobs and Taffeteer checking on the Winter Soldier. Stefan is also there, helping where he can. They are keeping the Soldier completely sedated, they do not want him waking until they are ready for him. The doctors are sure there is no permanent damage and they can feel the serum working on him already.

They will hard wipe him whilst he is down. It is not something they like to do but once he regains consciousness they will not be able to control him enough to get him into the chair.

"You searched the woods?" Caldwell asks.

"Yeah, for another hour, but none of the dogs even picked up any trace of her scent. You __know__ Freya, she wouldn't have left him. You didn't see him. God he was a mess."

Caldwell looks at the screwed up photograph that Adam handed to him. "Where did he get this from?"

"Search me." He watches whilst they move The Winter Soldier to the gurney. They are going to take him through to the main room to begin the wipe. He knows he will have to be there but he hates watching this part.

"Search the base again, and bring the dogs inside. I want __every__ room checked again, every single one of them."

Adam nods and leaves to give the order.

 **...**

Serge Zolnerowich is leading the group that find Freya. It is dark by now.

The room was not searched before as there were no lights on and people are used to the door being locked. Nobody had thought to check it. One of the dogs leads them straight to it and whines until the door is pushed open and then it barks.

Serge reaches in and turns the light on. It is like a whirlpool has erupted in one corner of the room. There is paper strewn all over the floor, a table and chair upended and lying close to the back wall is Freya. He tells one of the guards to radio for a doctor and to let Caldwell know they have found her.

Walking over to her he sees the impact mark on the wall and hesitates to turn her over. Around her head is a pool of blood. He crouches down and reaches over and takes her wrist searching for a pulse; if there is one it is too faint for him to find but there is an unnatural heat coming from her. He snaps at the soldier to radio again and hurry up the doctors.

He looks down at her. There is nothing he can do, he dare not move her, he can see that one of her arms is at an unnatural angle. How many times is this that the Winter Soldier has broken her?

He is in no doubt that it is the Winter Soldier who has done this damage.

"I'm getting to old for this," he mutters to himself. He is only in his mid-thirties but he feels older.

Freya is laying in a pile of photographs and what looks like a report. He picks up one of the photographs and recoils. He looks around at the others scooping them up before anyone else can see them. He moves over to one of the corners and radios in to Marinov to call off the search.

Jackson Caldwell arrives with Jakobs, who swears when he sees the blood. He can see immediately why Serge has not moved her.

Caldwell looks around at the mess and then turns to the guards standing by. "Post two men on the door and the rest of you go back to quarters," he orders.

Then he turns back to the Serge. "What do you think happened here?" And Serge hands him the photographs and reports he has scooped up.

Caldwell looks at them, looks through them. "Jesus. I guess this would be enough to set him off. Combine it with the fact he has been out of cryo for so long and it must have been an explosion waiting to happen."

These must have affected the Winter Soldier's mind, Caldwell is not surprised. The photographs are horrific. They would shock anyone yet alone if you realised you were the person in them. The shock of them must have broken something in him, thank God for his programming.

This is something he needs to think about long and hard.

He has felt for a while that they are not getting the programming right. It seemed to be breaking down at times. The worst time was when the assassination of Kennedy went wrong; he has read the reports and spoken to the programmers but is he being told everything? Is it a case of over time the programming becomes less effective because somehow the brain gets accustomed to the assault on it? He will schedule in a meeting with Zola and Fennhoff to see what they think. It cannot go on like this. They have heard conversations in the Winter Soldier's quarters, times when they are aware of the clock ticking down too fast. The whole thing needs looking at.

Zolnerowich moves to pick up the table and the rest of the files scattered around. Caldwell adds the ones he is holding to the pile and picks up the notes seeing the date on them.

"She's been sorting the old cabinets from Lehmann's days and he must have found her looking at them."

Doctor Jakobs, who is crouched next to Freya, turns. "She's alive and the serum is doing its work but whether or not she'll survive I don't know. And if she does..." He hesitates, not wanting to speak the words "...I can't say if she will be brain-damaged. He's fractured her skull and her arm is broken."

Caldwell nods and then watches as carefully they lift her on to a gurney and take her away, Jakobs following.

He turns to Marinov who has joined them. "Pick two men that you trust and I mean really trust, and then burn all of this, every last piece of paper, every last photograph. I don't want any of it to survive. Do you understand?"

Marinov nods. "Serge and I will do it," he says.

Later they are seen carrying paper and photographs to the furnace and shovelling them in - but they are not the papers Caldwell thinks they are. They are not the records pertaining to Lehmann's time on Project Winter Soldier.

Instead Marinov, with Serge's help, makes sure that these records are kept. The information will be hidden within Hydra, right under their noses, until the world is ready to see it.

Caldwell returns to his office, and then half an hour later calls two of the technicians in with him. He is unhappy with the poor tracking data the tracker in the Winter Soldier's arm gave them. He does not want this happening again, he wants to know he can always track both the Winter Soldier __and__ the Constant and he orders tracking devices to be implanted. One of the doctors suggests the implementation within the bone of the hip and Caldwell agrees.

Freya lives. It takes a long time for her to get over the skull fracture but with the help of the small amount of Zola's serum there is no permanent damage. She does not question the scar low down on her hip, assumes that it is part of her injuries. She is used to them by now. Used to the scars.

 **...**

By the time the Winter Soldier and the Constant re-enter cryo freeze there is a permanent tracking device that neither one of them knows about. They can __always__ be tracked now, they can __always__ be found.

Hydra will never lose sight of either one of them again.


	49. Chapter 49 - The Saving Of Elise

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Forty-Nine: The Winter Soldier & Hydra - The Saving Of Elise****

The pain makes the Winter Soldier scream until his throat is raw, and Peter slaps Elise's hand away from the control panel.

"For God's sake, he's had enough! And I've had enough!" He glances at Timur and then back at Elise, who looks at him coldly.

She walks away, opens one door, then a second, and they hear her talk to the guards. She is telling them that they will send the Winter Soldier out in fifteen minutes to be accompanied back to his quarters.

Timur takes the opportunity to talk to Peter quietly. "Peter, I swear to God if you don't tell Caldwell then I will." His voice is low, but Peter knows he means it.

"All right, all right, just give me...give me a bit more time to figure it out." But Peter knows that time isn't something he has the luxury of.

Elise comes back in as Peter is releasing the Winter Soldier from the chair. The first thing he does is to remove the tape that holds the Winter Soldier's eyes open so that he cannot shut out the images. Next he undoes the strap holding his head against the backrest. Then he releases the other straps that are holding his body hostage.

"Sit for a minute," he instructs the soldier as he sits forward, rubbing his eyes. Timur brings him a cloth to wipe away the blood from where his nose has bled. The soldier will always obey them. He is in pain but he will not move from the chair until they tell him that he is allowed.

Earlier the men had watched as Elise had instructed the Winter Soldier about his Constant. Elise's accompanying __ministrations__ are getting worse. Her instructions to him are nothing short of vile. And all the time she sits next to the soldier whilst he cries out in pain, telling him to listen to her, telling him about how his Constant is a whore. And whilst she does, she rubs him between his legs, makes him hard. Screws him up so tightly that his violence towards the woman he lives with is getting worse. Today he is so close to coming, his balls ache, his cock is so hard it hurts. She brought him right to the edge and then left him teetering and all the time her voice whispering in his ear. Telling him about the men Freya sleeps with, making him so very jealous he feels his head is going to burst. Yet once outside the Programming Suite all he will remember are her words but not what she did - and his body will remember its frustration without knowing why.

This has been a shorter session, four hours in total. Before they dismiss him, Timur gets the Winter Soldier to answer the basic questions so that they know the programming has taken. Peter then asks questions about the training he is to do - there is no mission. Caldwell has pulled him out of cryo for weapons training.

They are satisfied that all the programming has taken, they release him and watch as he staggers out to the door, his step unsteady, his co-ordination trying to right itself.

Tomorrow, his training will begin.

They tidy the suite in silence. Elise refuses to speak; she cannot see anything wrong with what she is doing. Peter keeps glancing at her but she does not look at him. After Timur leaves he tries to speak to her but she will not allow him to, just stares at him when he asks what is wrong. Stares at him as he tells her he cannot allow her to carry on performing the programming, and that he will need to discuss matters with the Director.

"Say something!" he ends up shouting, but she just looks at him. He cannot read what is going on in that mind of hers. Then she picks up her files and leaves and he knows what will happen now. She will return to her room, find a bottle and drink. He looks around the suite as if searching for an answer but there is nothing to help him and eventually he shuts of the lights, closes and locks the inside door, locks the outside one and makes his way to his room.

But he has run out of time.

The lights in the programming suite flicker back on. There is a one-way mirror set into the back wall, and there is a corresponding sound-proofed room the other side of it. It is believed to be accessible from the outside only. It was put in when the camp was first built but never used; there has never been any reason to until now. Over time the programmers have even forgotten it is there. Inset into the wall is a door flush with the panelling so its existence is not noticed. It can only be opened from the forgotten room and it now swings open.

Jackson Caldwell and Johann Fennhoff walk into the programming room. They have just sat and watched over four hours of programming without the programmers knowing they were there.

Johann has taken off his glasses and is pinching the skin between his eyes. He is in his seventies now, and the last few years have not been kind to him.

He comes forward slowly and looks at the dials and the settings.

"Well?" Jackson asks, but he thinks he knows the answer already. There is no problem with the machinery, no problem with the programming.

"Your Winter Soldier is not just being programmed..." Fennhoff turns to look at Caldwell "he is being systematically and viciously tortured as well."

Caldwell is no programmer, but he understands the basics. He is trying to keep his temper in check. After all, it is not Fennhoff's fault, it is he himself who took his eye off the ball on this one. "Help me understand what the difference is in layman's terms?"

Fennhoff sits in one of the chairs and gives him a very basic overview of the dials. Caldwell nods. Fennhoff does admit that the technology is getting old; there are already improvements that can be made that Fennhoff can see.

"The settings decide how much the brain takes in at any one time." He turns to point at the large machinery overhead. It is a tripod configuration which holds a large cone shape, ending in a laser which sends a beam of energy straight out and into the Winter Soldier's brain. "This, in effect, opens up his mind to our ideas. We know that it is painful and so it is better to take the time and use it slowly on a low setting than faster on a higher setting. On a high setting the pain is immense which means that the brain is trying to cope with the pain it is in and may not take in all of the programming. Meanwhile, the screens are on..." he points to the screens "showing him information you want his brain to access through his eyes. All of this is being fed into him all at the same time."

"In effect, my programmers are doing it all too quickly?"

Fennhoff looks at him and shakes his head.

"No, your programmers are taking the same amount of time it would take for slow programming, but they are using the settings at their maximum to cause as much pain as possible. Your programmers are torturing him...and they __know__ it. It is no wonder you are having problems with the information being retained. They are doing it over and over again when in fact the information has already been taken in and digested."

He looks up at the laser and then back at the chair they strap the soldier into.

"And, Jackson..." he looks back at Caldwell "what the __hell__ is that young lady doing? I thought the script was to give him a mild idea that his...what do you call her, his Constant, was a lady of loose morals. Instead she is winding him up to such a pitch that I'm surprised he hasn't raped and killed his Constant by now! I think you will find much of the over programming is down to her, she wants it to hurt him. The others seem a little...wary of her, they cannot control her in any way."

Fennhoff's disgust shows clearly on his face.

It is no good Caldwell saying he had no idea. He should have. The signs have all been there: the worsening of the programming, the sickening headaches, his treatment of his Constant, the loss of some of the programming itself.

"You need to sort this out." Fennhoff says, and Caldwell nods.

"I know and I will. Believe me. I will." But Caldwell doesn't realise he is out of time as well.

The borrowed time that Elise has been living on is very nearly up.

 **...**

That evening, Peter calls in on Elise. He knows what he will find when he lets himself into her rooms. She is drunk, sat in the corner of her room, barely able to stand. He doesn't understand it. Doesn't know how this cool, cold creature allows herself to be laid so low by such a thing as alcohol. He doesn't know what haunts her. She always seems so in control.

She isn't. She is unravelling fast.

"Come on Elise. Let's get you into bed." He knows that tomorrow he will have to make a decision one way or another. They cannot keep going on the way they are. The programming is working but not the way it should; just recently there have been errors, errors he has had to cover up and Timur will not allow it to go on any more. He can't blame the man.

But tonight as he tries to help Elise up she looks up at him and he sees a madness in her eyes that has never been there before.

"Do you like the way I touch him?" she asks, and Peter frowns. "Are you jealous?" Her voice is brittle, unnatural. She moves forward. He feels her punch him in the stomach and he looks down at her hand, looks at the way it grips something...something that is now buried deep inside him. Then the pain hits him and he looks back at her eyes and as he falls back, he realises he is too late.

Much too late.

 **...**

The alcohol used to help.

It used to banish the soldier's faces, her parents' words. Used to banish the memories.

Not any more. Elise can no longer think rationally. Each time the Winter Soldier is brought out of cryo, the memories return and she punishes him for what happened. She hates him, is terrified of him, hates to hear the American drawl in his voice, hates to see the way he loves his Constant when her American soldier never loved her in that way.

No-one has ever truly loved her.

It is late at night. She has had a drink, but she is not as drunk as she usually is. In her hand is a knife, bloodied. In her room Peter lays dead on the floor. Her mind has given way.

She is out of time.

As she walks along the corridor images invade her fragile mind, images of when her innocence had been brutally taken away from her, images of her mother telling her how worthless she is now, how sullied she has become. Images of the night the soldiers took her to the cornfield, the cold wind, the sound as it rustled almost whispering through the fields, the smell of their hands when they laid them over her mouth.

She wants it to end. She wants it all to end.

She passes a technician in the corridor who looks at her strangely. He stops and asks her if she is all right. He should have carried on walking.

She puts her finger to her lips and tells him to be quiet as she pushes the knife blade into his belly and then leaves him to suffer on his own. And he is quiet. He sits up against the wall, his hand on his stomach, trying to hold his guts in, and he cries softly. He cannot call for help, the shock of what has happened has silenced him. Soon he will slowly slide down the wall and all he can do is pray that someone will find him in time.

She approaches the door she has been heading to without encountering anyone else. She knows where she is and she knows what she wants to do. Without knocking she opens it and walks in catching the occupants unaware. For a moment she stares at the scene. It's looks so __domestic.__

The Winter Soldier and his Constant are in the small kitchen. He is sat eating soup; she is moving around, putting things away, when she looks up and sees Elise.

Elise can see puzzlement and surprise in her gaze.

Elise closes the door behind her, making sure the knife is hidden behind her back. She doesn't realise that there is blood on her blouse. Her hair is a mess. She is barefoot. Her eyes are black and shining with an intensity that is frightening and yet she is smiling.

"Elise?" Freya steps forward.

The Winter Soldier has stood up and moved forward and is now watching the two of them, taking in the unnatural brightness of the woman's eyes, the way her hand is hidden behind her back, the blood on her clothing.

"You're bleeding," Freya's voice is concerned. She does not know Elise well, is not used to someone just walking into their rooms unannounced - but she is concerned by the blood. She holds her hand out.

"They hurt me," Elise blurts out, her smile faltering. She has always hated the woman in front of her...but now she just wants Freya to hold her, to tell her everything will be all right. All the hatred she has built up over the years threatens to overwhelm her.

Freya walks further forwards. "Who hurt you? What happened?" she asks.

"Freya, I want you to step away from her." The Winter Soldier's voice is low, commanding.

Freya falters and looks back at him. Can he not see the woman is hurt? She is about to speak but Elise's voice captures her attention again.

"Please help me. I need you to help me." Although she is speaking to Freya, her words are for the Winter Soldier. He knows something is wrong. He knows the woman is dangerous.

Freya turns back to her. Elise is just a few feet away and without thinking Freya walks forward and brings her arms up around the woman. She cannot help it; she is a nurse, she has always cared for people. There is something so needy in Elise's voice, in her eyes and she cannot refuse it.

Elise places her arms around Freya and rests her head on Freya's shoulder and Freya feels her body relax against hers. She brings her hand up to stroke Elise's hair, but as she is doing so the Winter Soldier is reaching behind him to pull out the gun he carries and Elise looks at him over Freya's shoulder.

She knows exactly what he will do. Her fractured mind is planning on it.

In Elise's right hand is the knife. It rests on Freya's hip, and Freya has no idea of the danger she is in. She is talking gently to Elise, telling her everything is all right. She feels Elise move slightly.

The Winter Soldier is watching carefully. He sees that Elise's eyes are on him; sees her slowly raise the knife. She is going to plunge it into Freya's back and for one second he is so frightened he feels sick. He can't talk and instead shakes his head at her, but she smiles as he brings up the gun and before she can do any more he fires.

The shot knocks Elise backwards and shocks Freya into letting her go.

Freya looks around and sees the Winter Soldier stood, gun in hand. She turns back to see Elise lying on the floor, her legs folded under her, blood dribbling from her mouth, her eyes half shut. A bullet wound to her head. She sees the knife that fell from her hand and she puts her hand to her mouth. All this seems in slow motion and she drops to her knees realising Elise is still alive and trying to speak.

"Elise," the Winter Soldier hears Freya whisper. He moves forward, the gun still trained on the prone woman. He will not risk his Constant's safety even though he can see the woman is of no harm to anyone now.

"I'm so sorry," Elise is clutching Freya's hand and Freya doesn't know what to say, doesn't know why any of this is happening. Doesn't know why Elise is sorry.

"Call for help!" she says frantically to the Winter Soldier, but he doesn't move.

"It's too late," he says quietly.

Elise's voice is so very faint but she is smiling now, and still clutches Freya's hand as she bends over the stricken woman. "Il m'a aidé, il m'a sauvé." - _ _'He has helped me, he has saved me,'__ she murmurs in her native French.

And then she is in a different place and it is her mother who is holding her hand, who is looking at her with such pity and sadness.

"Maman, s'il vous plaît dis-moi que tu m'aimes. " - __'Mama, please tell me you love me,'__ Elise begs and Freya starts to cry; she doesn't know what is going through this strange woman's mind but she has held enough soldiers' hands when they are dying to know what she needs. She releases one of her hands from Elise's and smooths back Elise's hair, strokes her face.

"Je t'aime, mon bel enfant." - _ _'I love you my beautiful child,'__ she says, and leans forward and kisses Elise's forehead.

The Winter Soldier puts his gun away and hits one of the buttons in their quarters, knowing it will summon the guards. He walks up to the dying woman and his Constant. Freya's tears are silent. She looks at him and he kneels down next to her and takes her other hand out of Elise's.

"She's gone," he says quietly and helps Freya to stand. He holds her tight and neither of them understand what has just happened.

Neither of them will ever know what brought the woman to them but it is obvious she knew the Winter Soldier would kill her rather than let her harm the woman he loves. She wanted to die and he obliged her. He would not feel any remorse and she knew that.

Her time was finally at an end. She did not want to suffer any more.

 **...**

Jackson Caldwell has finished reading the report on what had happened the night Elise murdered Peter. He nods at Marinov. There is nothing else he can say and the matter is now finished, the lessons learnt.

Timur has been let go, sent to another posting. The technician from the corridor lived, but he will have medical problems for the rest of this life. Both the Winter Soldier and Freya are back in cryo. The Winter Soldier did not question what had happened but Freya had and Jackson was truthful with her.

They just did not know.

A new team of programmers has been selected and are being trained. There will be four people, and they will work in pairs. There will also be numerous fail-safes. One team will police the other each time a programme is set.

Jackson will draw up a new basic script to be used each time. It will still cover the ticking clock, but they will ensure that the Winter Soldier is not so violent towards his Constant – she will find him more cold and aloof than disgusted and paranoid. But they have not taken into consideration the long term effects of programming, some things once done, cannot be undone. The Winter Soldier will always be jealous and paranoid when it comes to those he loves. There will always be that doubt lodged in the back of his mind. There are some things they just cannot change.

When the programmers are trained and are up and running they will take the Winter Soldier out of cryo under the pretence of weapons training to ensure that the new way of working does what it should do. Meanwhile, for the use of testing, undesirables to Hydra will be used; prisoners of theirs who no longer serve a purpose will do this one last thing for them.

It will take a while to recalibrate the machines as some new suggestions from Fennhoff need to be incorporated but within two months the new section should be up and running.

And then things can go back to the __new__ normal.


	50. Chapter 50 - Still Steve's

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. There is a high sexual content in this chapter.**

 ** **Chapter Fifty: The Winter Soldier & The Constant: Still Vulnerable - Still Steve's****

You are used to seeing coldness and contempt for you when he comes back from programming, but it can still hurt even after all this time. After the programming he never seems to know the real you. That comes when he begins to remember, and that hasn't started yet.

But today he is different.

You were in the corridor when he was brought back and you saw him lurch against the walls, the guards standing by giving him time, blood dribbling from his nose, more disorientated than he has been for a long time. You told the girl delivering your evening meal to put the soup and bread on the table whilst you went and helped him stand properly – something he would not normally allow you to do.

You nod to the guards and they know they can leave you to deal with him. They will remain in the vicinity for six hours to make sure his programming has taken effect.

You take him over to sit at the table and then fetch a cloth to wipe his face. His eyes are clouded, his thoughts turned inward. You wonder if for some reason there has been a problem they don't know about with the programming.

"Are you okay?" you ask softly, expecting him to sneer at you or ignore you completely - but instead he looks at you, his eyes full of mental anguish and he shakes his head but you know he is lying. He is not all right at all.

You know he will have a bad head courtesy of both cryo and programming so you give him pain killers and some water to take them with. You have just taken some yourself as you are not fully over cryo yet, your head aches and your muscles feel stiff.

You intend to get him to eat some soup and bread and then he will fall into bed and sleep for hours but as you go to sit down yourself he grabs your wrist and pulls you forward, bending your wrist so you are forced to kneel in front of him. There is no hatred in his eyes just need. He is sitting to the side and he pushes the table back a bit, soup spilling on the table top.

 _ _Oh God__ , you think, __not now, please not now.__

He still has hold of your wrist and with his other hand he undoes his zip and moves slightly so he can ease his flies open. His erection is hard, solid, hot, and you swallow.

He pulls you forward and you know you don't have a choice. But there is still no anger there; you look up at him and he is watching you, watching your mouth, and you can see the tiredness in his eyes, a vein pulsing at his temple.

"Please," he says quietly using his other hand to bend your head to him so you can take his cock in your mouth and he can feel the warmth, wetness and comfort of your mouth.

The musky taste fills your senses and you hear him groan. He has closed his eyes and his hand releases your wrist and instead rests on your shoulder. You don't think it is going to take much to make him come; usually he likes to feel you take him in inch by inch running your tongue over him but today it is different. He pushes himself all the way in and instead of waiting for you, he starts to fuck your mouth and you have a moment of panic that you are going to choke but his hand on the back of your head offers no freedom and even the hand on your shoulder has you in to firm a grip to move back.

It takes only five or six thrusts before you feel the jerk of his body and feel the liquid hit the back of your throat and you swallow so you don't choke. His hands hold you in place until his hips have stopped thrusting and then he lets you go.

You would expect him to push you away but he doesn't and you look up at him and instead he has his eyes closed and his hands clenched. Then slowly his hands unclench and his eyes open and he looks at you and there is the faintest smile on his lips but he is so tired.

You get up, wiping your mouth as you do and he stands as well. You drink water from one of the cups on the table.

"Aren't you hungry?" you ask him. He can see the confusion in your face and just shakes his head.

"I need to sleep," he says, his voice still quiet.

Something is definitely not right. Where is the coldness they usually programme into him? The usual certainty of you just being a whore for his use when he returns from them? He has used you, but there is such a gentleness about him you are not used to even when he has remembered who you are.

You step back so he can walk past you to the bed but again he surprises you and takes your hand and gently pulls you with him to the bed. He then begins to undress and you help him, and he literally falls into the bed. You go to pull the covers over but again he reaches for your hand and pulls you into the bed with him.

"Don't leave me alone," he mumbles. His eyes are nearly closed and you don't think he has even realised he has spoken. You still have your dress on but you climb into the bed and he takes you into his arms, your head on his shoulder, and he is asleep in less than a minute. You lie there listening to the beat of his heart, to his even breathing, and you think of James. Sleep eventually claims you and you do not awaken for some time.

 **...**

 _ _ **Earlier**__

 _ _They are programming him, all the normal levels have been done and they are now just putting in the details of the mission. A high ranking politician making waves, thinks he is invincible. He isn't. He has to die.__

 _ _He has a predilection for male prostitutes, and some of the photographs they show the Winter Soldier have been taken whilst the politician is engaged in sexual intercourse with one of them. The male prostitute is servicing the man but the Winter Soldier never sees the prostitute's face, only the back of his blond head, his muscled back and small waist. And for some reason the Winter Soldier is finding this disturbing - its as if there is a memory trying to break through. As if he knows the prostitute.__

 _ _The prostitute is wearing nothing but a tee shirt; it is red white and blue. He is well built, and must be__ very flexible _ _, he hears one of the programmers joke. As they show him more photographs they are unaware of the fact that the Winter Soldier has the beginning of an erection. He tries not to look at the photographs but he has no choice. He cannot close his eyes. Cannot move his head. He is relieved when they swap to ones showing where the assassination is to take place.__

 _ _But all the way back to his quarters he just keeps seeing the blond male. Keeps seeing him turn around, blue eyes smiling...yet in the photographs not once did he see his face. But the Winter Soldier can see someone clearly in his mind.__

 _ _How is that even possible?__

 _ _His head hurts and when he gets back to his quarters he is desperate to relieve his pent up feelings. His erection is painfully hard and he pulls the woman down and makes her take him in her mouth. He doesn't watch her, just feels the softness of her mouth and when he comes he sees the blond man's face in his mind and it makes him feel desperate, deep down inside, somehow.__

 _ _Afterwards he needs to sleep but doesn't want to be alone and takes her into is bed with him.__

 **...**

You are woken by someone kissing you and you respond. His arms come around you and usually he would be pushing you onto your back so he can possess you but this time he is moving onto his back.

You break the kiss and pull back slightly so you can look at him.

The room is dark but you can still see his eyes; in this half light he looks so like James you could almost think it was him. You bend to kiss him again and he lets you. You move down to kiss his throat and still he doesn't stop you. He is lying on his back, eyes closed, one arm slung across his face and the other out beside him, totally open to you.

You move up slightly.

"Are you all right?" you ask quietly. This is so unlike him. He doesn't say anything but just nods his head and you bite your lip. You have no idea what is running through his mind but you know the Winter Soldier never shows his vulnerability like this.

You move the blankets back and he doesn't stop you. He is hard and his whole body seems tense. You kiss his chest and then gently nibble his skin; you hear his deep intake of breath and his cock sways. You carry on kissing him, tasting his skin, sucking his nipples, and you can tell by his breathing that he is extremely aroused. You move downwards and his breathing hitches; he can feel your breath on the tip of his cock as you kiss his stomach and lower, you run your tongue around his navel and he groans, his hands clenching.

You kiss around his cock but don't touch it and it sways and pre cum dribbles down from the tip but just as you are going to lick it he moves and draws his legs up slightly and then opens them and it stops you in your tracks.

You are dressed, he is not. He is laid out beside you totally naked, on his back. He has never done that before. He has always been the one in control, the one to possess you, to never show any sign of vulnerability.

You run your fingers down his thigh and he jerks, the hand on the bed clutches at the bed clothes and you see his adams apple bob as he gulps. He still has his eyes closed. His cock is hard, his balls full, his whole body tensed and desperate for relief. You have known and slept with this man for so many years and you know this is not normal. You continue to run your hands over him, you bend and kiss his thighs and then you move your tongue between his legs, past his balls, your tongue briefly flicks over his anus and he groans loudly.

"Fuck me...just fuck me, use your fingers anything but please, I need...for God's sake, please," he says.

You sit up. He still has his eyes closed, his arm thrown over his face and his teeth are clenched.

"Please..." he says again.

Stefan's words from so long ago come back to you, your own mind puts two and two together.

He doesn't want you. He wants a male. He wants someone to take him.

He wants Steve, and he doesn't know it.

His legs are open wide, his whole genitalia on show. For once, this time he needs to be taken. He needs someone to fuck him and you are totally the wrong person.

But you are all he has.

He senses you have gone quiet and have stopped touching him and he moves his arm away from his face but he can't look at you.

"Use your fingers. Anything. Please, I need you to," he says quietly. He is desperate to feel, all he can see is the blond man, feel him near, see and run his hands over him and he knows at sometime the blond man has fucked him. He needs that encounter again, he needs it now, is desperate for it and doesn't know why.

You look at your fingers. They are long and slim but no where near the length of his cock and you don't know if they can provide the stimulation he needs. Your mind is scrabbling.

You move up so that you are level with him and you gently touch his lips and he opens his eyes, they are deep blue, desperate, the vulnerability in them makes your stomach drop. You gently kiss him and stroke his cheek.

"I know what you need, I understand. Trust me, I won't hurt you." He looks at you for a long while and his eyes tear up.

God, this is not the Winter Soldier, what the hell has caused this?

"I need..." but he can't say it, he gulps and you can see his whole body tremble.

"I know, and I can help you. Give me a few minutes and I promise I'll help," you say. Then you take his right hand and put it on his cock and slowly get him to move it up and down. "Just think of what you want him to do," you nearly said Steve's name but you can't; that would be to dangerous. It shows how he is not thinking right because he doesn't question the fact you said __him.__

He doesn't reply but he puts his head back and closes his eyes. He is totally in your power, totally and utterly. He couldn't help himself even if he wanted to.

"Just think of him," you whisper into his ear and run your tongue around the outside and then down to his throat.

You kiss his lips gently whilst you move his hand away from his cock and you begin to stroke him instead. He responds to your kiss and your tongue pushes into his mouth and you lick around it and he moans again as you slow your hand down. You kiss down his throat to his chest. Your other hand you move to his anus and you push your fingers in.

"Oh Christ, oh God..." his voice is desperate and he tries to move down onto them.

His whole body is flushed red, his cock is upright and dribbling, his hands clenched, and the top half of his body is pushing back into the bed, his heels pushing down.

"Oh God, yes, yes! Harder, please, harder..." His head rocks from side to side and he is almost crying. You push them as far as they will go and he moans. Then your other hand tightens on his cock and you begin stroking him. "Oh God please, please." He is weeping and you bend your head and you run your tongue over the top of his cock; it is like an electric shock hits his body.

Sweat is streaming down his body, he is saying something, he is quietly begging to be fucked. And then you know he is very close because you hear him. "Please Steve, please now...oh God, please."

In his mind he is with Steve, he is back where he belongs, he is James Barnes and it has been such a long time for him. The blond haired man is over him, pushing into him, possessing him, making him his. He cries out, cries again for Steve, his whole body pushes upwards, and he comes.

Finally when his body stops jerking and you can see his cock is spent you withdraw your fingers. He is covered in his own semen, his eyes are still closed and he is breathing heavily. You put your hand on his chest and you can feel his heart still hammering. He groans and you move up and kiss him gently on the lips then on the forehead and you move his damp hair back.

"Its all right, you're okay. You're safe," you murmur.

You realise he is close to being asleep again.

"Stevie," he says quietly. "I've missed you so much..." And the feeling in his words makes you want to weep.

You stroke his cheek. "I've missed you to Bucky," you whisper in his ear and you watch as he falls asleep.

What will happen when he wakes? Will he remember anything? Will he remember Steve Rogers, and who he really is?

You gently climb off the bed and fetch a damp flannel and towel from the bathroom. You wipe his chest and belly and then his cock and when you finish he turns over in his sleep and curls up.

He is not the Winter Soldier. He is James Barnes. Or is he? Maybe he is both men at once. A hybrid.

What do you do?

After cleaning yourself up you pad into the kitchen and look at the cold food. You throw the soup down the drain, wrap the bread and put it to one side.

You should wake him to take his next set of cryo tablets but you want him to have this time to himself for as long as he can. Who knows where he is in his dreams? You pray that he is with his Steve.

You try not to think of your own feelings. You know he will never be yours in the way he was Steve's and it makes you feel sick and jealous if you are honest with yourself. You curl up on the top of your single bed, too tired to cry, and you fall asleep.

It is several hours later when you are woken by someone shaking your shoulder and you wake up to see him looming over you. You can't help but draw back as your heart starts thumping in your chest but then he sees the look on your face and his look of concern registers with you.

"Sorry," you say sheepishly.

"Why are you over here?" he asks. You can see he is still very tired.

You try to smile, still trying to work out who he is. Is it James or the Winter Soldier? Or someone caught in between the two?

"I didn't want to disturb you," you say and try to smile.

 _ _He frowns. His head hurts and he is having trouble thinking. Doesn't he usually sleep with this woman?__

You can see confusion in his eyes. __God what a mess they made with the programming this time,__ you think. You say: "Whilst you're awake I need to get you to take some more cryo tablets okay?" This diverts his attention, and getting up you go into the kitchenette and sort some out with a cup of water.

He has followed you, totally naked but obviously satisfied - he is relaxed in all areas. He takes the tablets and you can't help but think to yourself how messy God made men, everything hanging out and swinging about, it makes you want to laugh and you smile. He looks at you as if asking what the joke is and you shake your head.

"You men are always so relaxed with your..." and you move your hand up and down to indicate his nakedness.

The smile he gives you makes your legs go weak. This is James Barnes as you imagined he would be: living with him, getting up with him in the mornings, sharing your life with him - only he would never belong to you.

That thought brings you down to earth.

"Why?" he asks and you frown to say you don't understand his question and he realises he didn't speak it aloud. "Why do you look so sad?"

What do you say? You duck your head and smile now. But as you try to think of a reply he scratches his head and then stretches and yawns.

"I think you need more sleep," you say. You put the glasses in the sink and switch out the light. He pads back to his bed and you follow. Before he gets in, he puts his hands on your shoulders and looks into your eyes. He doesn't say anything for a moment but then he smiles again and breaks your heart.

"Don't leave me alone, will you?" he asks. You don't know if he means now or for all time. You stroke him down his cheek.

"I won't ever leave you alone, I promise," you say and he nods as if you have confirmed something.

"Come to bed..." his voice is husky and he leans forward and gently kisses you on the lips.

You pull away and look at him and as you do he reaches around and undoes your plait and then turns you around and undoes the zip of your dress and lets it fall to the floor. You step out of it and turn back to him.

He gets into bed and holds the covers so you can get in beside him. You expect him to pull you into his arms to sleep but he doesn't. Instead, still sitting up, he leans in to kiss you again and you feel him release the strap of your bra, you kiss him back and then you feel his hands come around and cup your breasts and you can't help but sigh contentedly.

He backs away and you think you have lost him, but that is not so. He lies back and you can see even though he still looks tired his body is interested in you and there is a tightening feeling in your chest. He pulls your hair out from your back and unwinds it and then pulls you down to him. His eyes are beautiful, blue and deep and he is looking at you, at your mouth, at your body and his own body is responding to you.

Perhaps a little bit of him does belong to you now.

You don't know what will happen in the morning when he wakes up. But for tonight he is not Hydra's. Tonight he is free even if he does not know it.

 **...**

 _ _The Winter Soldier awakens. His mission is confirmed in his mind. He knows what he has to do. He is surprised and perplexed to find he slept with the woman but he can find no anger towards her in his feelings. There is just contentment.__

 _ _His mission is a success.__


	51. Chapter 51 - Time

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Fifty-One: The Winter Soldier & Hydra - Time****

 _ _Caldwell is not sending the Winter Soldier to assassinate anyone this time. On the contrary - he needs these people brought back safe and sound. They had talked about using the STRIKE teams, but have decided to use the Winter Soldier mission team to see if it is possible.__

 _ _He can kill, but can he protect?__

 _ _His mission is encoded and it had taken a while as the instructions vary to the norm. He seems to have accepted it. Only time will tell. The first of these missions is due the next day, and he will travel to each place after that. It has to be done quickly, before his programming begins to fail; the last thing they want to do is recall him each time, re-wipe, re-programme.__

 _ _They are on too tight a time frame. They just do not have the time.__

 **...**

You look at the time. You are expecting the Winter Soldier back from programming soon and you are fidgety, cannot settle to anything.

Marinov came to see you earlier to say goodbye. He will be leaving the camp in a couple of days, for good. You will miss him. You could not help but ask him how many years you have known each other and he hesitated to tell you. You and the Winter Soldier look no older than when you first arrived – unless someone looked into your eyes, but everyone else has aged.

"I was 35 when we met and now I'm 63, does that help?"

And to hear it spoken in that way was a shock. You tried to smile but you begin to realise that you may out live some people who were older than you when you first met them. It is not something you wanted to think about.

"I shall miss you," you say to him in all honesty, and then surprise him by reaching out and hugging him. His arms hold you so gently as if you are a piece of china and he is afraid he might damage you.

"Who knows maybe we might see each other again," he says and you nod, unshed tears in your eyes. When he left you tried to keep your mind busy, you didn't want to think.

There is a knock on the door and you open it. The guards have delivered the Soldier to you, and now it is your duty to take over his care. The Winter Soldier steps into the room. You know it has been a longer session than normal, but you do not know why. They never tell you about the missions.

You can see that he has been bleeding but they have at least made an effort to clean him up. You do not know the new staff and you do not want to know them; your last encounter with Elise has made you even more reluctant to associate with others. Her death shocked you more than you expected, and you have had trouble understanding what happened. She was someone whom you had disliked and the feeling had seemed mutual, but now a part of you wonders could you have helped her in some way, stopped what had happened. Deep down you know you cannot care for everyone and that it is easier not to get involved with people than to accept you may fail someone else in the future.

You can see how tired he is, but also you notice that his hands are shaking. He needs food, so you persuade him to eat some soup before he sleeps. He is impatient with you, and cold, doesn't want you touching him; you reflect that some things never change.

You see him run his hand over his ribs on the right hand side and he winces, and you ask him about it. On the last mission he came back with a broken rib and you wonder if it hasn't healed properly; sometimes Zola's serum can take a wrong turn. It has caused a few problems in the past.

"Are you hurt? Is it something I can help with?" you ask before seeing the sneer on his face. He looks at you coldly. His eyes clearly show why he thinks you are asking and you feel yourself blush and you turn away.

He gets up from the table and, still ignoring you, goes through for his shower. Within an hour he is in bed asleep and you decide to turn in yourself, the effects of the cryo are still in your system and you both spend a quiet night sleeping until your alarm goes off in the morning.

 **...**

 _ _It is time to leave for the mission - or missions, plural. Adam has the timetable. They need to visit six different places within the next four days. It is one of the longest periods that they have had the Winter Soldier away from base. He has been programmed for each part of the mission and the programming has taken; they know it has. For the first time ever Adam seriously broached the subject of taking Freya along with them. The argument is an old one between him and Caldwell. He believes by her being there they will have a clearer indication if the programming is breaking down, but Caldwell does not want to add any new factors into the missions. Perhaps one day he will reconsider, but not this time.__

Which is a bloody shame, _ _thinks Adam as it is obvious the Winter Soldier seems fractious, moody - and that makes him mean. Difficult to handle sometimes. He could do with Freya along to babysit.__

 _ _Their first stop will be Austria, then South Africa, then two cities in America, a flying stop in Japan and finally, England. He is not looking forward to any of this. They will use their own transport right throughout; they will sleep whilst travelling; eat on the road. He knows he will have to keep a clear eye on the Winter Soldier. The last thing he needs is anything to slip and one of the targets to die.__

 _ _Rodion pats him on the shoulder and grins. "You worry too much, my friend!" he says and Adam guesses he might be right.__

 **...**

 _ _The timetable goes well. Each time they were able to snatch the person they came for with very little collateral damage. They now have just one more mission to go. They are on the homeward stretch.__

 _ _Adam is glad. The Winter Soldier has been hard to work out this time, quick-tempered and irritable. He has barely spoken, eaten little, and when Adam tried to find out what was wrong he was snappy, cold. He fulfilled each mission but the team could see he was faster to hit out when people did not do what they were supposed to. And the people themselves were not just frightened of him - they were terrified.__

 _ _Adam looks at his watch as they arrive at their destination. Not too much longer to go. He looks over at where the Winter Soldier is watching Rodion set up the tech that would override the train's controls. The Winter Soldier senses he is being watched, and turns. Adam does not want to admit it but when the Winter Soldier looks at him he wants to looks away but doesn't. He holds his gaze. The look he is given is calculating and then he is dismissed and the Soldier looks back to Rodion. Adam realises a cold sweat has broken out on his brow and he wipes it away with his gloved hand.__

 _ _Time to get to work.__

 **...**

" _ _The 7.15 to Bristol boarding at Platform 2," the announcer's voice notes over the tanoy. "No delays currently expected."__

 _ _The man turns, watching the remaining passengers board. His target boarded the train five minutes ago. He is now just waiting to ensure that the train pulls away with no problems. He hears the whine of the engine and watches as the bullet nose of the blue, white and yellow train softly chugs forward and then it heads down the track picking up speed.__

 _ _Once it has departed, he heads to the telephone box and makes the call.__

 _ _The train enters the two and a half mile long Chipping Sodbury Tunnel at 8.08am. It should have left it the other end about two minutes later...but it doesn't.__

 _ _As the train enters the dark, its lights bouncing off the tunnel walls, the driver senses something is amiss. The tunnel itself seems to have a blue glow to it when all he should see is the lights of his own train. And then, impossibly, the train is slowing. He has not adjusted the speed at all.__

 _ _By the time they have reached the midway point, the train has come to a standstill. He tries to radio through but the unit is dead and he is left looking helplessly at the controls until he can see a brighter light shining ahead on the track. It moves closer.__

 _ _The lights on the train are still working somehow, and he can see several figures walking towards him. Thinking it is help he unlatches the door so that when the figures get closer they can get in, but as they approach he sees something that makes him re-latch it.__

 _ _They are armed.__

" _ _Oh damn, damn!" he panics. This isn't a mail train, it's a passenger train - surely they are mistaken if this is some kind of heist.__

 _ _The blue light in the tunnel belongs to a Hydra device which is hampering some of the operations on the train. The train has been brought to a standstill, the control to the passenger doors and the drivers communication to the station are dead but the lights still work.__

 _ _One man stops in front of the train and holds up a machine gun. If he chose to, he could blow away the whole of the front glass and the driver. Instead he just stands there, cradling the gun. He is an imposing figure, dressed all in black except for his left arm which glints silver in the lights. His face is partially covered and as the driver looks at him the man returns his gaze and he shivers.__

 _ _Someone knocks on the glass panel of the door which makes the driver jump and pulls his attention away. A second man is now stood, aiming a gun, indicating that he is to open the door. He is also aware of the noise in the cabin as passengers start to hit the alarms in the carriages of the train. They want to know what is going on, each set of carriage doors is locked. They cannot get out.__

 **...**

 _ _Rodion taps on the door a second time and realises the driver is frozen; he cannot make the decision so Rodion makes it for him. He nods to Viktor, who is carrying a mallet and the driver watches in horror as he swings the mallet at the glass panel of the door. It breaks the glass and the driver can only watch, transfixed, as the man reaches in and unlocks the door. Then the door is swinging open.__

" _ _Who are you? What do you want? This is a passenger train, there's no mon..."__

 _ _There is no time for pleasantries. Rodion steps up into the cab as the driver tries to back away, lifts the butt of his gun and strikes the man's head, rendering him unconscious. He ties the drivers arms behind him and positions him in the corner. He will be down for at least two hours and will have a massive headache when he finally comes around.__

 _"_ _ _Okay!" Rodion shouts, leaving the cabin.__

 _"_ _ _Spread out. We don't know which carriage he is in. Find him!" The Winter Soldier's voice is harsh, loud despite the mask, and they split into two parties and take a side each. Rodion and Adam on the left, Viktor and the Winter Soldier on the right. Each man knows who their victim is. What he looks like.__

 _ _By now the passengers on the train are crowded at the doors at each end of the carriage and they are trying to get them open but as each group see the men with the guns walking along the side of the train they back away. There are two first class carriages with seating arranged front to front, followed by four second class where the seating is arranged front-to-back.__

 _ _Adam shakes his head. This is going to take too long. They cannot see anyone properly due to the passengers being grouped together in a panic.__

" _ _Go back to the cabin and tell them if they do not sit down then we will shoot them," Adam says to Rodion. He then radios into the Winter Soldier to say what he is getting Rodion to do.__

 _ _They know when the message has been received. The passengers look at each other and then the majority do what they are told. Rodion has told them they will not be harmed whilst they are sat in their seats. Anyone found not to be in their seat when they board will be shot where they stand. Some remaining passengers are indecisive.__

 _ _The men come together and now enter the first coach through the entrance on the front of the carriage, unlocking it from the front. Rodion and Viktor enter first and a single shot is heard: one passenger who defied them and was standing – but now is no longer standing. His body lies in a pool of blood. They can feel the panic in the air; they know though that these people have got the message. They can hear one woman weeping.__

 _ _As they walk down the length of the carriage, the passengers lean away from them...especially the tall one whose face is partially covered. One young boy points to the red star on the man's arm and his mother hushes him. She has put her own body between that of her sons and the men and as the soldier turns to look at the boy she shakes her head but she can rest easy, he is not interested in the boy or what he said.__

 _ _Adam looks at the others and shakes his head.__

 _ _Rodion turns to the passengers before they leave the carriage to move on.__

 _"_ _ _Stay in your seats and you will be safe," is all he needs to say and he knows they will not move. But they will hear more shots fired and will close their eyes to pray.__

 _ _There is always one person who believes themselves to be a hero, and that person is in the fourth carriage. He flattens himself against the side of the carriage by the door where the men will be coming through. Some of the other passengers beg him to sit down but he ignores them, sweat breaking out on his forehead but he can do this. He has a knife and his plan is to incapacitate the first man, grab his gun and turn it on the others.__

 _ _He doesn't know how far he is out of his depth.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier is the first one through, and he sees the movement on his left as the man raises the knife to stab him. Turning quickly his left arm deflects the blade and the man is on his knees before he knows it, bent double. The soldier pulls the man's right arm up and they can hear the bone crack from the other end of the carriage. The man cries out, the blade dropping to the floor. The man can now feel the coldness of a hand gun barrel on the back of his neck.__

 _ _One of the other passengers stands up, holds both his arms out non threatening.__

" _ _Please let him go. He cannot harm you now!" his English is heavily accented. He is Dutch, an older man, and he doesn't want the man to suffer any more.__

 _ _The soldier looks at him and the man sees those cold eyes appraise him but then he sees something else come into them; recognition. The soldier looks down once more at the man kneeling and pulls the trigger. The man is definitely not a threat now. He allows the corpse to slip to the floor whilst he steps over it, towards the older man. There is soft crying and he can hear people praying but none of that is of concern to him. He is now totally focused on the man in front of him.__

 _ _He is the Winter Soldier's mission. He is the last one they are after.__

" _ _Get down on your knees," the Winter Soldier's growl leaves nothing to the imagination and the man shakily does as he is told. He cannot believe what is happening. He is on a visit to England from his native Netherlands to see an old school friend and had caught the train less than an hour ago. All he can think of is his wife and children.__

 _ _The gun barrel is a foot away from him and he looks down. He doesn't want to see the bullet that will take his life. He doesn't realise he is why the train has been stopped, doesn't yet realise his importance. He is one of a small group of people who will suddenly disappear from the known world, who will never be seen again.__

 _ _He closes his eyes and begins praying.__

 **...**

 _ _The man is still struggling to realise that he has not been killed, but kidnapped.__

 _ _Back in the train he thought the creature with the metal arm was going to kill him. Instead, his hands were bound behind him and a hood placed over his head.__

 _ _None of the other passengers said a word. None of them would even look at the men. And, later, when they were asked for descriptions a few gave the best they could but the thing that had scared them the most was the one with the inhuman eyes and the metal arm.__

 _ _The little boy was the only one to tell the investigators that the man had a red star atop his metal arm. The others are too afraid to say or back up what he says, as if by admitting it they would bring the soldier's wrath back into their lives.__

 _ _The Dutch Mathematician is never seen again.__

 _ _This was the Winter Soldier's last target, and now he and his team can travel home. Adam is pleased. The Winter Soldier has grown quieter, but he can still see an anger bubbling up behind the exterior. And as the time has gone on Adam admits to himself that the soldier looks pale, almost as though he is ill. He puts it down to migraines where his memories are trying to resurface. They need to get him back to base.__

 **...**

He comes back from mission report and you take his bag from him. Adam has already been to see you to say he thinks the Winter Soldier is unwell, that maybe it is his head, and you have to agree. The soldier is pale with dark circles under his eyes but there is something else. You can feel heat radiating from him. You hate to admit it but he smells: sweat and body odour. His hair is lank and greasy. You have seen this before and you know you will see it again - it usually means Zola's serum is causing problems. When you look at him you cannot see anything; his hand is all right and his face does not seem swollen, so it cannot be nails or teeth.

He is tetchy but you know you need to find out what is wrong. When you ask he is surly, tells you to leave him alone.

You stand in front of him and notice for the first time he is leaning to the side slightly. A sure sign he is in trouble. "Whether you like it or not I am here to help you. I don't care what you think about me, what you think I have done, but something is not right. Something is bothering you. I can see it in your face, in your eyes...and you smell disgusting! Either you tell me, or we go to see Doctor Jakobs right now and he can sort you out."

Neither of you move. Finally, he looks at you and you can see he is in pain. Serious pain. He sees the change in your face from belligerent to caring and something in him seems to break.

"My side," he says quietly.

"Okay." You start to unbuckle his jacket. He tries to help and several times you see him catch his breath. As the jacket comes undone you can smell blood, you would recognise that scent anywhere and you realise the tee-shirt underneath is soaked through on the right hand side.

You slow down and start to be more careful.

"Were you shot, knifed, anything like that?" you ask and he shakes his head. If he had been, you know Adam would have known too, would have acted on it straight away.

You put the jacket down and see that the blood has soaked into the top of his trousers as well. Gently you pull the fabric of the tee shirt away from his skin, but it sticks in some places. The heat coming from the area is immense. You place your hand over the material and feel a solid lump, and your hand comes away red. He shifts from foot to foot as if trying to get comfortable but you cannot tell him to sit; you need to look at what the problem is first.

"I need to cut this off and see the damage underneath. Tell me what happened."

"Nothing happened," he says between gritted teeth. He can barely stand and you can see it is causing him balance problems. Now that he has admitted he is injured it is as if the wound has got worse and hit him full force.

You use a pair of scissors to remove the tee shirt and what you find shocks you. On the right hand side towards the bottom of his rib cage, part of a rib has burst through his skin. No - more like __grown__ through his skin.

"Christ," you swear. You prod and feel gently around the area, apologising as he groans. You can see this is not a new injury. Some of the blood is dried, clotted, and the skin itself is under immense pressure. Thinking on your feet you realise that this is the rib that was broken on the last mission. But it was not this bad; it had been left to mend itself, it just needed the bone to knit together. He has had broken ribs before which have mended with no trouble. This one makes no sense. The skin is slippery around the area, the hole about an inch and a half across. An infection has started.

"How long has it been like this?" you ask. You fetch some clean gauze from your medical bag, wet it and get him to hold it against the area, then you encourage him to sit down.

He shrugs at first, but when he sees you going for the telephone he puts a hand out as if to stop you. Your own hand hovers above the receiver. "Can't you just...sew it up?" he asks.

"Part of your rib has broken through your skin. I need to get Doctor Jakobs to have a look. We need to x-ray the area to see what is happening under the skin. We don't have any other option," you reply.

You wait for him to nod and he does. You speak to Doctor Jakobs and tell him you will meet him in the surgery with the Winter Soldier. Before you both leave your quarters, the Winter Soldier stops you and you know what he is going to ask and you pre-empt him so he doesn't have to.

"I wont leave," you say. You know how much he hates any type of attention from the doctors, any visit to the surgery or operating room. It is like a nightmare for him. He may not know why, but you do.

What you find when the x-rays come back is frightening. Instead of Zola's serum repairing the broken rib and knitting it back together, it has miscalculated and treated it as if each broken end is a separate rib. It has grown the bone to extend both ends of the break to the lengths of the other ribs.

If the broken rib hadn't grown outwards through the skin, it would have instead grown inwards and punctured his liver. The other 'new' rib is about to break through the rib cage at the back. The Winter Soldier needs to be operated on.

You have explained to Caldwell in the past that Zola's serum is not perfect, that these errors in its make-up seem to occur every so often.

They are just one more fucked-up thing the Winter Soldier has learnt to live with.

 **...**

 **Hydra Unit Five: Western Hemisphere**

The five men and two women are taken into a large conference room. Whilst they are prisoners - there is no doubt in their minds about that - they have been treated in the main with courtesy by their jailers. Although none of them have had their questions answered, none of them know why they have been kidnapped and brought here.

They are asked to sit around the table and coffee is given out. They look at each other; some even seem to recognise each other.

A man sits at the top of the table. He is small, inconspicuous, balding. He watches as they come in, mentally ticking of their names in his mind. When they are all seated they take in the guards in each corner, each one armed, each one in black with a red logo on his uniform.

The man at the top of the table stands and coughs to get their attention. His voice is quiet and he apologises for the way in which they have been __recruited.__ There is some muttering around the table and the man holds up his hand but it is not until one of the guards steps forward, gun in hand, that the muttering stops.

"My name is Armin Zola, and you have been brought here to assist me with a problem," he says. "You are all from the field of computing and mathematics. I can see some of you even know each other."

He goes on to explain why they are here and they watch him incredulously. When he is finished he looks at them expectantly and they all try to speak at once. One man stands up, calls Zola an idiot - but when the guards close in on the table he sits back down, still angry.

Zola shakes his head as if his audience are truculent school children. He feels unwell. He feels they are not taking him seriously. But they __will__. His tone of voice begins to reflects his impatience with them.

"Let me make one thing absolutely clear to you," he says. He turns to a screen behind him and clicks a remote in his hand. One by one photographs are shown of people, wives, children. He recites a name each time a photograph is shown.

The people around the table go deadly quiet. The photographs are of their loved ones.

Zola turns back to them.

"I see I have your attention now. You __will__ help me. You have no other option, you see I am out of time. I am not going to promise any of you your lives at the end of this project, but I will promise you the lives of your husbands, your wives, children, and families. Each of you have met the one we call the Winter Soldier..." And they know who he is talking about even if they didn't know his name. He is the person who brought violence into their lives. "Should you fail, should you attempt escape, sabotage, or do anything that otherwise undermines this project in any way he will be sent out to kill your loved ones. And they __will__ be killed. Make no mistake on that."

Zola looks at them.

"As I have just told you, I have been given less than a year to live. My own people are working on this project to transfer my mind, my consciousness, to the computer banks but __you__ are the missing links. You will ensure this project is brought to fruition. If not, and I die then...your families will die. Do I make myself clear?"

No one actually speaks but they do not have to, their fear for their loved ones is in their faces, in their wide eyes.

Zola has warned them. They are not working just to keep his mind alive, to give him a future, they are working to keep their families alive. To give __them__ a future.

 **...**

 **Hydra Camp**

Not everyone knows what their future will hold.

Marinov looks back at the camp where he has spent the last twenty years of his life. He had done as much as he believes he can, was beginning to feel his age and the toll of life in the camp was lowering his defences. He requested that Caldwell relieve him of his command. Caldwell had agreed that he needs to hand over his responsibility and has found a post for him to fill in his home town's local Police Station. A chance to infiltrate everywhere they can.

Hydra never lets you go but he is lucky and Caldwell has a lot of respect for him.

He has handed over to Zolnerowich who has now become the first in command and Marinov is heading home to his wife. Part of him feels sadness, and he is not sure why. He is leaving behind friends...but he is also leaving behind bad memories and it makes him feel lighter than he has done in years. He is still tied to Hydra - you never escape them but he is just grateful they have allowed him to remain alive. He is grateful they never found out about him.

The gate closes behind him for the last time and as he left the guards saluted him.

He returns the salute and then turns and walks away.


	52. Chapter 52 - The Five Missions

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Fifty-Two: The Constant - The Five Missions****

The last decade has been hard on you but of course you do not know just how much time has passed each time you and the Winter Soldier come out of cryo.

There have been five small missions.

You are woken, then the Winter Soldier is woken the day after as normal. But because the missions are so short, you are both returned to cryo freeze within a couple of days of waking. Whilst Caldwell had promised things would not get as bad as they had become during Krupin's time, these short missions cannot be helped. The Winter Soldier's expertise is needed on all of them.

The short periods are not enough time for him to remember who you are to him so you are nothing, something to be used and then pushed away.

 **...**

The first mission he spent two nights in the quarters you share with him. On the second night he took you from your bed at 2am, used you, and then sent you back there. The next time you saw him was when you were being returned to your metal coffin. He was already bedded down in his.

 **...**

The second mission lasted three nights. The first two he didn't touch you. The third night he forced you to your knees in the shower, told you to do what you are paid for, then left you once you had finished. You didn't see him again. The next day you were both back in cryo freeze.

 **...**

During the third mission, you spent no nights with him. You only saw him for the brief time when they awakened him, and when he needed to give you a list of supplies. That was it. He didn't touch you once. Mission complete. Refrozen.

 **...**

The fourth mission he actually speaks to you. He asks you a question. You wish he hadn't.

"Why do you share these rooms with me?"

He is getting ready to go training. These are the first words he has spoken to you, other than grunts.

"In case you need anything. Why? Would you prefer it if I didn't?" As soon as you ask, you wish you hadn't.

He shrugs and returns to putting his boots on. "Do what you want. Doesn't bother me either way," was his reply.

He stands up and grabs his jacket, shrugging it on. He still hasn't even looked at you.

Conversation over.

That night he doesn't return to your rooms at all and you wonder if he is with another woman. You spend all night worrying, expecting someone to come and move you out, tell you that you are not needed any more. The next morning you are haggard, tired and irritable. You hear footsteps outside the door and then someone knocks. It is Stefan to tell you the Winter Soldier has been debriefed and wiped. You are to be there when he goes back into cryo freeze.

"He's already been on his mission?" you ask.

"Late yesterday evening...did you not know?" his voice is kind and you hate the trace of pity in it.

You shake your head and turn away.

"Freya..."

"Just don't..." you say, then, picking up your jumper you walk past him, out of the door, and make your way to the cryo room. Stefan catches up behind you.

The Winter Soldier is there, sat on top of the base of the unit. They will lay him down then slide the top on over him to freeze him.

You walk up to him. His eyes are totally blank, seeing nothing. There is no real need for you to be here but Stefan always insists if he is on duty. He knows you need to be.

You watch as they get him to lay down. The cover then slides into place and you hear the familiar hiss. You always think it sounds like something out of a science fiction novel. __H.G. Wells, eat your heart out__.

Stefan tries to talk to you but you make your excuses, you feel tired, angry, sad. You don't really know what you feel but you don't want to take your feelings out on the wrong person.

You go back to your quarters, make them ready for closure. Tomorrow you will return to cryo freeze. Tonight you sleep in his bed. You can still smell him on the sheets, pretend you feel the heat of his body laying here. You are too tired to cry, too tired to do anything but wish you never woke up from cryo freeze again.

The next day you are quiet, introverted. You don't even say goodbye to Stefan.

 **...**

The fifth mission you are woken for is the worst.

When you open your eyes Stefan is not there. Instead it is a young woman. She smiles and helps you sit up and get dressed. Your throat hurts. You feel depressed; your head is pounding and she hands you pain killers automatically. Before you can take them you feel the bile rising and quickly grab a container: These are always to hand because they know how sick cryo can make you feel.

Whilst you are being sick she is saying how exciting it is as it is the first time she has got to be the one to wake you. You try and smile back. You feel claustrophobic around her. She won't give you the space you need. You just want to be quiet for a moment.

"Where's Stefan?" you ask. Her smile falters and she frowns at you.

"He's dead," she says as if you are at fault.

As if it is something you should know.

One of the older technicians overhears her and comes up to you both. You think his name is Jan but you have never really spoken to him before. Although you recognise him as being a friend of Stefan's, now that you look around the room you realise that you hardly recognise anyone else.

You can't speak. The shock of what she said has numbed you. You can't have heard right.

He looks at the woman.

"She didn't know. How can she? She's been in cryo!" he snaps. The new woman blushes; she hadn't given it any thought.

He turns and comes up to you, his eyes show concern. He moves the container out of the way and takes your hand. You pray he is going to say the woman is wrong and that Stefan will be here at any moment.

"I'm sorry. There was an accident. Stefan was killed." His voice is subdued. "It was a car accident. They said he wouldn't of known anything about it, it happened so quickly. I'm sorry. We were all very upset."

Your ears hum and you look down at the floor. That can't be right. You didn't even get to say goodbye.

"Can I get you anything?" he asks. You shake your head and take your hand out of his gentle grip. He takes your quietness as a sign that you want to be alone and he excuses himself and walks away. You can see he was telling the truth about being upset.

The woman helps you down from the cryo chamber and once you get your balance you nod to say you are all right and that you want to go to your quarters to sleep. She helps you dress and offers to come with you, but you shake your head. You want to be alone. You want to get away from everyone.

When you reach your quarters you see they have been aired. The door to the patio is open and you can hear birds singing. That is what makes you break: the simple noises of life. Stefan cannot be dead, you never said goodbye to him, you never told him how much he meant to you, how you depended on his calm, stable manner. He was always there for you and you were always there for him.

You curl up on the double bed, tired, and you weep.

It is dark when there is a knock at the door. You have fallen asleep, curled up as if in a nest. The door opens: it's Director Caldwell. As he comes in he reaches for the light and then apologises, thinking you are sleeping. He sees that you are still dressed, and also the fact that you have been crying.

"I'm sorry. I wanted to be there to warn you when they woke you up but I was delayed."

You may not like this man but you have a begrudging respect for him. Over the years he has championed the Winter Soldier and has always made sure you have both been looked after. He has protected you both, kept the project going.

"I am sorry for your loss." He sits on the edge of the bed but you feel uncomfortable and so you excuse yourself to use the bathroom, saying you won't be a minute. When you come back in you find he is in the kitchenette and you realise he is making a hot drink for both of you. He brings two steaming mugs over to the table. You sit and he does the same. You take your cup and thank him.

"Is there anything I can do?" he asks.

"I..." you cough and take a sip to clear your throat. "I thought I would go and see Doctor Jacobs if that's okay."

You put your cup down and look at Caldwell. You do not want to speak to him about Stefan but you need to speak to someone, and Eric Jakobs you know cares for Stefan as much as you do.

Caldwell closes his eyes briefly and then he reopens them. The look in them freezes your heart.

"They didn't tell you?" he asks, and then as if to himself: "No they wouldn't think to, would they. I'm so sorry Freya, I thought you already knew." He puts a hand on your arm.

But you are already shaking your head. You can't lose anyone else.

"It was cancer, too late once we realised. I'm so very sorry." And you see that he is sorry. He is being totally honest with you.

You don't move, you don't think. You could be back in cryo freeze. To lose one of your friends is crushing, to lose both of them at once is unbearable and your heart feels like it is splitting in two.

You blink. Caldwell is still there.

"But...but I only saw both of them last time. Last month," your words stumble over each other. He shakes his head.

"You were out longer than that. Over twelve months this time. I'm sorry."

He stays with you for a while but you don't speak. He offers to send someone to spend the night with you but you shake your head and tell him you would like to be alone for now. He leaves, promising to be there if you want to talk. When he is gone you switch out the light, get back into bed without changing and curl up. Both Stefan and Eric Jakobs are gone? How? How can that happen? What is it that you must have done wrong in a previous life to deserve the life you have now? Your mind cannot focus, cannot take it all in. Mercifully your mind closes down with you clutching a pillow to your chest.

You sleep.

When you wake the next morning it is to the woman from before knocking on your door. She has come to fetch you so that they can wake the Winter Soldier. You can see how excited she is and she hurries you up so you follow her without any breakfast or shower. You feel shabby. Your clothes stick to you, you feel dirty. Your hair is still in its plait but it is coming apart, fraying. You want to just get back into bed, sleep, push all of this away.

The lights are bright in the room and noises seem louder and hurt your ears. Your head is still throbbing. They sit you where you normally sit, and you watch as they bring the Winter Soldier around. He needs a haircut. You should have done it before cryo last time. It is so good to see him that you want to cry and hug him and never let go.

He opens his eyes and you wish that when he looks at you there would be something in them to show he is pleased to see you, pleased you are there. But his eyes are blank. He knows of you...but other than that there is nothing.

It suddenly occurs to you that you really don't think a Constant is needed any more. The idea flits through your mind that this will be the last time you will be here. You will talk to Caldwell. You have come to the end of your usefulness. You will ask him to terminate you. They don't need you.

They can find a cold grave somewhere for you.

You don't want this any more. You just cannot cope with it.

You are dismissed, not required for the programming. They will bring him back to you later today. You return to your quarters on automatic pilot. You are refusing to think about Eric Jacobs or Stefan. You do not even let their names come into your thoughts. You get things ready and around four in the afternoon they bring the Winter Soldier back to you.

It is almost a deja-vu whenever he comes to the quarters, as it is always the first time for him. He scans everything. Some things seem vaguely familiar, some he doesn't remember at all. You know he will eat and then sleep for the next twelve hours; after cryo freeze it is all anyone is capable of doing. You can see the programming this time has been intense.

He sits down to eat the soup and bread you have for him, and his nose bleeds. You help him with a cold cloth, tilting his head back. You see him gulping and you know his ears are ringing and that he is having trouble with his co-ordination. You see all this but it is as if it is from afar. You do not realise you are in shock still from the loss of your friends. You do not know that when you went into cryo freeze last time you had the onset of clinical depression, and it has followed you out.

Once you have him safely in bed, you feel exhausted and literally collapse onto yours to sleep. He hasn't said a word to you, and you have hardly spoken to him. You think about the previous four missions, how he was with you, and you genuinely believe he will never ever know who you are again.

Not only have you lost your friends, you have finally lost the man you love.

There is nothing left here for you. Depression has taken you and made you its slave.

The next morning you go through the motions of your life. The Winter Soldier needs to go through some training before he is sent on mission this time.

He is the priority. You show no feelings, and neither does he. You get him to shower whilst you get breakfast sorted out. Most meals are delivered to your door, but for things like this you can prepare them in the kitchenette. He eats and drinks what you put in front of him. He looks better this morning, more focused, and you ask him if his head is clear. You need to know how he is feeling after cryo and programming. He grunts his response, as if to remind you that you are nothing to him. After he has eaten they phone you to find out if he is able to start training today. You say yes.

For the next two days he is trained. You spend the days doing your usual paperwork. He does not invite you to share his bed in this time, and you do not realise how much you need someone to care about you.

Things come to a head on the fourth day. He is due to go on mission the following day and is being briefed. It is evening and you are tired. As you come out of the bathroom in your dressing gown he is there, leaning against the sideboard in the kitchenette eating toast. You both ate at lunchtime and so did not need a meal cooked this evening. You meant to leave something out on the side for him, but you forgot. As you cross the room to your bed he washes his fingers under the taps and walks over to his bed, sits, and sets the alarm clock on the bedside table. He kicks off his boots.

Neither of you speak.

You dry your hair and slip it into a loose pony-tail, but as you turn to walk over to your desk to pick up a book you find him there, standing in front of you. He has watched you style your hair, watched the way your dressing gown rode up as you reached behind your head to tie it up, and he wants you.

He stands in front of you and you don't move, he is looking at you but you look at the ground, you don't want this.

His right hand slips inside of the top of your dressing gown and you move back slightly. He doesn't stop, instead he strokes the skin at the base of your throat whilst his left hand slips under the material on your shoulder and moves it off down your arm, baring your shoulder and he strokes it. You feel the coldness of the metal. He steps in closer and tries to kiss you but you duck your head. His right hand goes to the belt of your dressing gown and he undoes it. The weight of the material makes it slide off. You have nothing on underneath and you feel the coldness of the air on your skin,

You cross your hands over your breasts. This is not normal behaviour for you; usually you would welcome his attention – especially now, when you need it the most. He goes to kiss you again but again you step back but find you cannot go any further: there is no space, the back of your legs are up against your bed.

You cannot look at him. He pulls your hair forward but you duck your head to the side to try to escape his touch.

Without a word he slips his hand around your waist and pulls you forward and goes to kiss you. You move your head to the side and try to get free of his hands.

"No," you say. Your first word of the day.

His grip increases and he takes hold of your pony tail in his metal hand and goes to kiss you again.

You can feel his impatience by the way his grip is tightening, and this time he holds your chin, pulling your face around and kisses you forcibly.

You do not respond. Tears begin to roll down your cheeks.

He pulls back and looks at you, then releases you, pushing you backwards, and he steps away. You almost fall onto your bed. You stand there, huddled, your hands trying to cover your nakedness. Crying. You hear him snarl something, then he turns away and walks back to his side of the room. You hear him pull his boots back on and then he leaves the room slamming the door behind him. That makes you cry harder and you allow yourself to sink backwards onto your bed. You can't believe you denied him. You needed him, he wanted you...but instead you made him leave.

What is wrong with you?

 **...**

By the time he comes back you have put your nightdress on and sat on top of your bed, against the wall. You knew he would be back for sleep so that he is ready for tomorrow early. He comes in and you look at him. You can smell sweat and fresh air on him, his hair is ruffled. You really do need to cut it.

He goes to the bathroom and you listen to him take a shower. When he comes back out you have brushed your hair, and splashed water on your face in the kitchen. You move over to where he is sat on the bed, a towel wrapped around his lower body. He is towel drying his hair. You stand in front of him and he looks up at you. Your heart jumps at those beautiful eyes.

"I'm so sorry for earlier," your voice is quiet and the words trail off as he stares at you.

Its too late, you know he doesn't care and you turn to move away, but he catches your hand.

His next words bring tears to your eyes again.

"I remember you," he says, his voice matching the quietness of your own. Your hand covers your mouth and you sink to the floor in front of him. He watches you. Watches your eyes.

"What is wrong? Why are you so sad?" he asks, quietly.

You are hesitant about telling him, but eventually you do. You explain that Stefan and Doctor Jakobs were your friends, and that you will miss them so much.

He may have begun to remember you but he is still the Winter Soldier. His demeanour tightens.

"But you belong to me," he says, and you close your eyes.

"I know. But they were my __friends.__ " You look at him but you can see he still doesn't understand.

"But you belong to __me__!" his emphasis on __me.__

You don't want to argue. You are too tired. "And I always will," you murmur. "Will you...will you let me sleep with you tonight?" you ask him.

He hesitates for a moment but then, standing, he lifts you with him.

You take off your nightgown and get in whilst he moves to the other side. You know there will be a price to pay for his companionship but you need him.

He gets in and moves closer, his hand reaching out for your smooth soft skin. He pushes you down whilst bending over to kiss you, then he covers your body with his own, kissing your breasts. He is possessing you. You are his. He takes you.

Afterwards he moves away and you curl up, facing away from him, praying he will not change his mind and send you back to your bed but instead, he surprises you and moves up close, spooning you.

He pulls you tightly to him and doesn't let you go all night.

For tonight he will be here for you.

 **...**

The Winter Soldier has left for his mission, and you look around the quarters still not being able to settle, still not able to take in that you will never again see Stefan or Eric Jakobs again. Depression wraps itself back around you and you don't want to think any more. Instead you try and find something to do, something to take your mind away from it all. Picking up your clipboard, you head towards the supply room.

Without realising you accidentally bump into one of the guards, although he has actually bumped into you. Quietly, he whispers: "Read this when you are on your own," and shoves an envelope into your pocket. It all happens so quickly no one else could possibly see him do it. Then he is gone.

With the envelope burning a hole in your pocket you try and get on with your tasks but you can't. Your curiosity overrides your sense of caution and instead you head back to your quarters where you know you will be alone.

With shaking hands you open the envelope and immediately recognise Eric Jakob's handwriting. It is almost enough to make you cry.

It is a letter addressed to you. You put it down and look at the wall, blank. You don't know if you can read it. You decide to make a drink, that will delay it but then after you have done that you sit down, you can't put it off any longer and you start reading.

 _ _My Dearest Freya,__

 _ _I wanted to be there next time they wake you so I could tell you about Stefan, but it seems that is not to be and I am so sorry. He didn't suffer. The accident happened so quickly he wouldn't have had time to react. None of them would. I also know you may be thinking it wasn't an accident - but Freya, this time it was. I know how much you will miss him and I am so terribly sorry for your loss.__

 _ _I also wanted to tell you how you have affected my life and put me back on the right path. I don't know when I lost my way, perhaps when I lost all that mattered to me. I thought I was doing good, helping the world to be a better place...but all I ended up doing was destroying so many lives.__

 _ _I only have days left to live but wanted to tell you something, something that is difficult for you to hear...but you must. It was something you asked me about before, but I couldn't tell you as I didn't know the answer myself. You asked me why when James returns from programming he always thinks of you as a 'lady of the night' (sorry I can't bring myself to say that word which demeans you, even in a letter).__

 _ _Until you asked me I always believed it to be his assumption, and I was always so pleased when he finally recognised and remembered you. I need to let you know it is not__ his __assumption but part of what they program into him. It is not him that is at fault.__

 _ _They call it the "ticking clock".__

 _ _As you know I was never included in the part of the project which covered his programming. That was always handled by Lehmann, Krupin, and now Caldwell and his team. I know there are certain things programmed into him each time that remain the same and when I realised I would be leaving you I decided to see what I could find out.__

 _ _Freya. Part of his regular programming tells him you are a lady of the night. And they actually use that terrible word...whore. I am so sorry that I didn't find out for you sooner. So many years that you have thought it was his belief and his alone. There is a reason though as to why they do it.__

 _ _They programme it into him and use it as a gauge to monitor how well the programming has taken, and as an indication of when he is starting to remember things they don't want him to remember. The Winter Soldier loves you and when he remembers this...then that is when his attitude to you changes and they see that, they act on it.__

 _ _The programming, you see, doesn't last. It begins to fade and he begins to remember things and if left unchecked he will start to remember who he really is. It may take weeks, months, or years but eventually some of his memories will return. It will not be easy for him. Some memories will return as flashbacks, some as vague things he feels he should know. Another part of his programming which kicks in when he tries to remember are the terrible migraines he gets. These make him so sick that his brain will shy away from any attempt to remember what is buried.__

 _ _But I am digressing.__

 _ _When James begins to remember you it shows in his face, in the way he treats you - and your body language shows it too. Then they know that they have a certain amount of time left before other memories start to kick in and they need to wipe him and put him back into cryo freeze.__

 _ _You are their trigger point, and he is the ticking clock I mentioned. When he starts to remember you then they know the longer they leave it the deeper the wipe that will be needed. They know they cannot ask you to tell them as you would never do that. They watch you both, and look for that trigger.__

 _ _Telling you this is a double-edged sword and I can't decide if it is a good thing for you to know or not. I hope to God I have made the right decision. You should also know they never needed to tell him he loves you because that is a true emotion of his and his alone. This is never programmed into him.__

 _ _One more thing. Do you remember years ago when the Winter Soldier found you reading that file and he saw the photograph of himself? Of course you do. That is a stupid thing for me to say. After that incident Caldwell ordered that you both be fitted with tracking devices. You may have noticed at the time a new scar on your hip; it is the same for James. Both of you have tracking devices within your hip bones. I do not know if you will ever be free of Hydra. I can only hope you are so be careful. I don't want them to be able to find you.__

 _ _I also want you to know I came to love you as I would a daughter, and Stefan as a son. I hope you believe that we became friends as well. I wish we could have mourned Stefan's passing together. I have lost so many people in my life it is hard to think of there being a God up there watching over us. If there is a God then when I meet him I will be held accountable for my crimes and I do not think he will allow me to be with my family. I think instead he will pass over me and I shall be heading elsewhere. If you feel you can, please say a prayer for me.__

 _ _My darling girl, I wish I could say all this to you face to face and I wish that one day I could say it to James and ask for his forgiveness. I will entrust this letter to a friend. You may feel you are alone now but you are not. There are people within Hydra who do not believe Hydra is acting for the good of the world, they cannot speak with you because of the Winter Soldier but they will watch over you and make sure that one day the terrible truth of what went on here is known.__

 _ _I ask one more favour of you. Please destroy this letter. If it is found it could cause untold damage. They always thought I was one of the 'bad guys', and it is better they still think that.__

 _ _Your friend, always.__

 _ _Eric Jakobs__

And you stay still for a long time before finally getting down on to your knees, as if you are child saying your prayers before bed time.

You don't know what to say and you don't know if anyone is listening, but just in case you pray for the soul of Eric Jakobs, a man who lost his way but tried his best to put things right. You ask God in his mercy to let Eric be with his family and to have found peace at last. You have forgiven him everything. You are only human and your compassion recognises how someone can be led stray. He tried to find the path back, he truly did.

And then you weep for someone who became in those years a dear friend, but one you never realised meant so much to you until it was too late.

"Please let him know. Please. Wherever he is."

 **...**

 _ _Eric Jakobs opens his eyes.__

 _ _He feels he has been here forever, treading a pathway that never ends. Hell and damnation are on one side of him with nothing but blackness on the other side. Try as he might, he cannot move off the path, he can walk forward, backwards...but not off the path. Sometimes shades of other people pass him but he cannot talk to them; they never stop and in the end he learns to just walk forwards. He feels so very tired. He did not know it was possible to feel this exhausted.__

 _ _But now he feels something different. He can hear a voice. Male, quiet in the background. Like a whisper. He cannot hear the words it is saying but it grows in volume, and when it does he recognises Stefan's voice. How can that be? And in a moment he realises; all those years ago when he chose to kill Lehmann, afterwards Stefan had said a prayer. He had thought at the time it was for Lehmann but now he knows. It was for him. Then the voice is quiet and instead he hears a female voice. Freya's - and she is praying for him, her words telling him she forgives him.__

" _ _But I will never forgive myself," he murmurs. The pain of both his loss and the prayers hurt him deep inside.__

 _ _Hell is still on one side of him, but now on the other side there is a greyness to the black which as he keeps watching lightens, and he sees a floor with a stone path.__

 _ _He hesitates for a second and tries to move. The force keeping him in place no longer stops him. As he steps on to the stone path he can feel a breeze and it carries with him the smell of the meadow he knew as a boy. He can now hear a stream trickling and the path becomes clearer. The emotions that start to grow in his chest are overwhelming and without realising it he is crying.__

 _ _But what captivates him is that there are figures on the path ahead, moving toward him. He stops for a moment, feeling frightened. He deserves so much punishment for what he has done, for what he allowed to happen. And when he sees people he recognises he feels sick and falls to his knees sobbing. It is his wife and children. They are being shown to him for the last time before he goes to Hell and it hurts so much he doesn't know how to react, what to do, how to feel.__

 _ _He closes his eyes until he feels someone in front of him. A soft hand strokes his cheek and he opens his eyes to the beautiful eyes of his wife.__

" _ _Eric," she whispers and he does not care any more. He falls forward and takes her in his arms, holding her tight, he doesn't ever want to let her go.__

" _ _Have you come to say goodbye?" he sobs, his very heart breaking.__

 _ _She moves him backwards and he sees his children behind her, how his heart aches but he deserves this. He knows he cannot be with them.__

" _ _No my darling. We've come to say hello, and to take you home," she says and at first he does not understand. She smiles and beckons him to stand and walk with her.__

 _ _His fate has been weighed and he has been found worthy.__

 _ _Eric Jakobs has redeemed himself.__


	53. Chapter 53 - The Attempt

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. There is strong sexual content in this chapter.**

 ** **Chapter Fifty-Three: The Constant & The Winter Soldier - The Attempt****

Meetings happen all over the world, all the time - innocent ones, serious ones, and ones that can be life changing.

Two men are sat together, photos spread out on a table between them. There are only a few pictures, all that are known to exist. The photographs show what appears to be a soldier, but one with a startling difference. They are all of the fabled Winter Soldier, and it is his difference they are interested in. His arm. The technology contained within it could change their fortunes. They have sought its power source for years, and by securing the arm they could kill two birds with one stone.

The man in charge sanctions their plan. He will benefit the most.

He does not realise what he is taking on. He believes he has so much money and power that anything he wants will come to him. He has no idea how large Hydra is, how it has spread through many different countries, growing stronger.

He hasn't a chance.

 **...**

There is shower soap and shampoo in your eyes but you catch noise and movement out of the corner of your eye.

The Winter Soldier is there.

You know from the menace in his face that he is enraged. You turn around and hit out to defend yourself and he pushes you against the tiles, then drags you out of the shower and up against the wall.

"Don't fuck with me, or I will seriously fuck you up," he growls, his tone full of anger.

You struggle. Your body is slippery and he keeps losing his grip, and is getting frustrated. You try to scratch his face and this enrages him further. He pushes you back against the wall so forcibly that your head hits the tiles, hard.

"You are mine..." he spits. "They gave you to me, you are here for me and __me__ only, do you understand?"

He has been so angry this wake-up, so hateful. But what has brought this on? You are so familiar with the jealous rages he can get into, and his paranoia, so you do everything you can to keep contact with others to a minimum.

You try to nod. The floor is slippery, and you have trouble standing up. His grip is hurting you.

"You belong to me, every part of you!"

You suddenly feel hatred for this man, you loathe this side of the Winter Soldier, and you spit that at him. He slaps you and turns you around. You feel him kick your feet apart.

"I warned you," he did, but he was just looking for an excuse.

Your heart misses a beat as he uses one arm to keep you still and the other unbuckles his belt and his zip.

"No please, I'm sorry, whatever I've done I'm sorry, I understand. I'm yours no one else's I promise, please."

You feel his hand then as it slides down your spine to the bottom and then separates your buttocks.

"No!" you try to shout, struggling to move - but you can't. You can feel his fingers searching you. He is going to sodomise you and you are not strong enough to stop him.

"Please no, not that, please, I'll do anything but not that please."

He leans in, you can smell his breath.

"I want you to feel me deep inside you," he hisses and his fingers find their way in. You can't breathe and he eases his other arm from your back and around to your front, his hand seeking out your breast and he squeezes it painfully.

"I want to tear you apart."

"Why?" It's the only answer you want to know, but he misunderstands.

"Because I can."

It hurts, and you don't know which is worse but then the pain eases from behind as he takes his fingers out, you then feel his erection pressed against you and then he is forcing himself inside you and you feel like you are being split open. You cry out and the noise echoes around the tiled room. You can't talk; no words will come as he starts to move, setting a rhythm and you are sure your skin is splitting it is hurting so much. Something runs down your leg and mingles with the water on the floor. You know it is blood.

His breathing is heavy and he groans as he pushes himself further in.

"Please stop," you beg. You can hardly speak or breathe.

His hand on your breast moves down and between your legs and he pushes his fingers into you. You hear him grunt.

You close your eyes and his body rocks yours and now you can feel his fingers exploring you setting your nerves on edge, but also he knows how to excite you and you feel the build up start inside the pit of your stomach. You don't want either. This is wrong, but you can't help it. Your body and mind have learnt to react to the pain he inflicts.

His fingers go deep and your breathing hitches, there is still pain but it is mixed with the increasing rise of heat taking over your body. You can't help it as it rises up through you and you come, you try not to make a sound; you don't want him to know but he does and you feel his own body heat and then he climaxes and shudders. He says something as he comes and you strain to hear.

"I need you." It is said so quietly. He repeats it once more and you recognise the harsh desperate tone of the Winter Soldier. "I need you." He doesn't seem to know he has said it out loud, a sob escapes him.

All the hate you have built up for this animal, for this side of the man you love falls away in a second when you hear the anguish in that voice.

 _ _How?__

How can your emotions for him swing so far back and forth? One minute hating him, the next knowing you cannot live without him? How can you accept the way he treats you? What he does to you mentally and physically. You __cannot__ condone it yet you accept it? What does it make you?

He holds you so tight to him, as if he is trying to climb inside your skin so you can become one person.

He shudders again and again, and then you know he is spent and he moves his fingers away from you and steps back, pulling his now softening cock out. You feel pain again and blood and semen start to trickle down your legs.

You listen to him as he steps away, approaches the sink and switches the water on, washing his fingers and using a towel to make sure he is clean elsewhere. He zips and buckles himself up.

You can't face him; you stay facing the wall with your forehead resting against the tiles. Your hands are raised as if in prayer but are clutching each other. You are praying, __please let him have finished with me, please.__

There is a loud banging on the door of the bedroom and you hear one of the guards shouting for him. He is due to for training. That is why they have woken him this time; new weapons training.

He grabs your arm and looks you up and down as if in disgust. His eyes are cold and distant. He then pushes you back into the shower.

"Clean yourself up, you're no better than a rutting animal," then he is gone leaving you stunned and dirty and that breaks you.

You have been punished, and you don't even know your crime.

 **...**

Later when he gets back you are dressed and working on files at your desk. You ignore him. The anguish you felt at being attacked has been replaced by a deep-seated anger. You had done nothing wrong. He has left you too long to stew in that anger.

You are so much more volatile these days.

On some level, he knows he was wrong to do what he did but as yet he has not been awake long enough to begin to recognise this. The guilt has not begun, yet.

"I need these." He throws a list down in front of you and continues to stand at your side. You don't even look up; you just move his pages to one side and carry on, head down, working.

"Did you hear what I just said?"

"I'll look at it in a minute." You are trying to keep your tone neutral; the last thing you need is him getting angry. But you still don't look up.

There is a moment's silence and then he snatches the report you are working on away from you and grabs your arm.

There is only so much the human mind can take before it reacts without thinking. You are tired, and you hurt so much. Why when he first wakes do you have to live in fear? Fear of what he will do to you every single time. And now you do not even have your friends to support you through things. You stand up as he pulls at you and your eyes flash.

"Go on, then! What do you want to do this time? Sodomise me again? Or would you rather break my arm? Or punch me until I bleed? Take your pick!" The chair falls over behind you as you try to break his grip on your arm.

He blinks, and a smirk starts but before it can complete you punch his chest with your free hand. "Yes funny isn't it? I'm still laughing from earlier. I did nothing wrong, and yet...yet you punish me as if I had!" Your words wipe the smile of his face completely.

"You're mine," he growls. His voice is dangerously low.

"And you think I don't know that?!" you ask looking into his eyes searching for something, some recognition of the man you love.

He lets go of you and pushes you away, then turns his back on you.

You throw up your hands. "Oh yes, let's do the brooding soldier bit shall we? Let's give you an excuse to get angry and __sort me out!__ " You are so angry now that you don't care what he does.

He turns again. "You're a whore. You flirt with all the guards. I've seen you...I..."

You don't let him finish. "How dare you! How dare you say such a thing!" You step forward, eyes blazing, hands clenched at your side. "Flirt, flirt? Christ almighty, you have __got__ to be joking. I don't talk to anyone, I don't look at anyone, I don't make __any__ friends all because of your jealousy and paranoia... you hurt me because you want to... _ _not__ because I deserve it, not because I __need punishing__!"

You are getting breathless. Your nails are digging into the palm of your hands but you don't notice the pain. Finally, you are angry. Years of neglect are mounting up in you. Decades of loneliness. "You call me a whore and yet you are the only man I have ever slept with. _ _You__ taught me everything I know about pleasing a man because I only do whatever pleases __you__!"

As soon as it started, your anger is fading out. The hopelessness of the situation is overtaking you. You look at those blue eyes and you know you will never truly hate him, you will always take what he gives and then come back for more.

He once told you that you couldn't help yourself...and, pathetically, he is right.

"I'm sick of it," you say quietly. Then you turn and pick up your chair and sit down at the table. You pull the files you were working on towards you but you can't see the words for the unshed tears in your eyes.

During your entire tirade he has just stood, impassively looking at you, watching you. He is trained to read a person by what they say, by what they do, by what their body does. He saw your clenched fists, he saw the unshed tears...and then he saw the fury drain out of you until your shoulders slumped. He saw your recognition, and your hopelessness of it ever being any different.

 _ _He looks calm. But inside he feels sick. He is beginning to feel.__

He is watching you work. You are trying to concentrate on what you are doing, but you can't. You are trying not to let your tears out but you cannot stop them and in the end you put your arms on the desk, put your head on them, and cry. Deep sobs wrack your body and you feel such a despair wash over you.

 _ _He looks at her. Why does he care? She is supposed to mean nothing to him. They tell him not to care but this woman awakens something in him. His head begins to hurt and he knows instinctively she is the one who comforts him; helps him; cares for him when he is in pain.__

 _ _What she has said is true. He realises it, deep down.__

 _ _Where does the insane jealousy come from when she is supposed to mean nothing to him?__

 _ _He can't bear to see her now so desperate, so sad, her heart broken. He hates having caused it. He hurt her physically earlier, but did not know until now that mentally he has hurt her even more.__

He moves so quietly that you don't hear him. You feel his arms around you and he kneels to hold you tight. He says nothing, but you feel him kiss the top of your head and it makes you cry more. Then he moves his hand to lift your chin up and he kisses your lips and then your eyes.

"Don't," you say, not because you don't want him to but because your face is wet and your nose is running. You blindly reach for a tissue and try to wipe your tears, but he takes it away from you and does it for you.

 _ _He doesn't know what to say. How can this woman mean so much to him that he is so frightened of losing her? He doesn't know their back story: when he awakes, he just knows on some level that she is there for him. She stops the bubble of panic that rises in his chest when he opens his eyes, not knowing where he is, who he is meant to be. He has this longing for her and has to keep it hidden. Over the last few days he has had this paranoia building inside him, an anger but he doesn't know why.__

You have broken through to him this time. He didn't know he was the only man you'd ever slept with. He didn't know you are truly just here for him, but he is learning now and just as he begins to realise how your lives are so entangled with each other they will wipe him and you will have to start again next time. For now you are in his arms, and for now he knows when he wants you he doesn't have to think up an excuse.

He knows no matter what he does you will __always__ be there for him.

And you? You will do __anything__ for him, __anything__ to protect him.

 **...**

It is a fairly quiet morning and you are trying to get your head around your timetable when you hear a noise. A gun shot followed by another two. Here within the complex. Here where there should be no such noise.

You jump up, the door is open and you run out into the corridor. The noise was some way off, down towards the lift and you head down that way. You can now hear yelling and you increase your pace to a trot. Turning into the corridor you see Zolnerowich. He is bleeding from a wound to his forehead. There is another man bent down on his knees, blood streaming from a wound in his belly. You do not recognise the man but he is wearing all black, very much like the various STRIKE teams you see. Strapped to his back is a machete, lying four feet away is a rifle.

There are two guards with Zolnerowich, and a further two lying dead. He has sent a final two after the other gunmen.

You move forward to help but you see panic in Zolnerowich's face. Panic and anger. He sees you.

"They're after him." He doesn't need to tell you who. "Two more of them. They are going to take him out!" And then you are turning and running. You hear Zolnerowich turn to one of the remaining guards.

"Get Caldwell now!" He indicates the injured man, forcing him to get up and pushing him into the guard. "Take him and put him somewhere safe. Keep him alive!"

 **...**

You know where he is, where he was headed, if you don't get to him first they will and he will die.

Your heart and lungs are bursting as you run across the training area. He has to be here somewhere! Then you see him descending the outside steps so he can go down into one of the bunkers but you also see them. Two men dressed in STRIKE uniforms similar to the other one.

Both of them are heading to the other side of the area, guns ready – rifles, with scopes - and you know they will go for the head. That is what they did to the dead guards inside the complex.

"Get down!" you shout. He doesn't hear you, and neither do they.

He is unarmed, his gun leant up against the bunker side.

"Get down, for Gods' sake get down!" you scream and he sees you. You wave your arms towards the danger. He turns just as you scream again. He looks at you, then begins to walk back up two of the stairs.

"James, get down!" you are still screaming. He hears but you don't know if in time or not as repeated shots ring out. Three bullets catch him in the chest and knock him off his feet and onto the ground. If he had not been up on the two steps, the shots would have taken him in the head.

"No!" you scream as you run up. You are nearer than they are. The Winter Soldier is laying on the ground at the bottom of the steps but you can't see his face. One leg is curled under him. You can see the indentations of the bullets in his jacket but you do not know how badly he is hurt.

They are getting closer. They need to ensure they have finished the job, and they will be taking head shots. The gravel rucks up next to your foot and you realise they are shooting at you now. But they are still a danger to him.

You look around and grab the Winter Soldier's rifle. You have never used a gun before. How difficult can it be? __Surely you aim and just shoot?__

And this is what you do.

The recoil knocks you back and puts your aim off, but by luck you catch one of them in the knee. You steady yourself and bring the rifle up but it will not fire again. You try again but you don't know what the correct thing to do is, and your frustration makes your hands sweat and your brain won't think.

The man approaching you makes the mistake of thinking he has all the time in the world now. The Winter Soldier is down and the woman with him has no idea of what to do with the weapon in her hand. He lifts his gun up, grinning.

"No, no, no, no, no..." you are chanting the word under your breath, desperation in your tone.

You look up, straight into the man's eyes. He is twelve feet away. He laughs and brings his rifle around and into play but he has under estimated you. You will do anything to stop him getting to the Winter Soldier - anything - and this is what makes you dangerous.

He is still too far away. You need him slightly closer and so you reverse the rifle, holding it barrel first and you run forward, fast. He isn't expecting that. You are clutching the useless gun by the barrel and you club him as hard as you can. All your weight is behind that swing, all your weight and your fear. He did not realise the danger of love.

You meant to catch his arm, but instead you catch the side of his head and there is a terrible crunching noise which the nurse in you winces at. Then he is down on his knees and your rage takes over. He cannot get away from you, he cannot reach you, and you club him until you realise he is no longer fighting and you no longer have any breath.

Blood soaks into the earth around him, and his head is horribly misshapen on one side. The gun in your hand is split, broken and bloody, bits of hair are stuck to the stock and you feel sick when you realise what you have done. The body lies unmoving on the ground but you can now see this man also had a machete strapped to his back.

Before you can think any further you catch a glimpse of movement about four feet away and you see that the man you shot in the knee is trying to get up. One leg a red mess of blood, gore and material around the knee.

But, he is still a danger. You will not let anyone hurt your soldier.

You stagger up and over to him, picking up his gun. Your hand is shaking as you hold it to his head but you cannot pull the trigger. You cannot shoot a defenceless, injured man and he can see that. You are sobbing and cannot catch your breath. He looks up at you, he is going to ask you for the gun, he can see shock in your eyes and he can play on that...but then the look in his eyes changes. They widen.

A hand reaches out from behind you and covers yours on the gun and forces the trigger to depress. The explosion is loud and part of the man's head disappears. You scream. You can't help it, your legs give way and both you and the person holding your hand go down in a heap. It is the Winter Soldier. The armoured jacket has taken the full force of the three bullets to the chest. He is having difficulty breathing but only because he is winded, and as you will find out later there is severe bruising and three broken ribs.

He holds you tight though he doesn't know why. He doesn't understand why you are so upset, but he does know that you saved his life.

Guards come running up and the Winter Soldier throws the gun away from you both and pulls you both to your feet. He is speaking to them, but your ears are still ringing from the gunshot. You would think by now you would be used to violence but it can still catch you unaware. You were a nurse, trained to save people, but you just took two lives.

You think he is going to dismiss you but he doesn't. He holds your arm so you cannot walk away whilst he directs the guards. He sends two of them to dispose of the bodies. He then leaves them to sort the mess out. He takes you back to the main building, nothing is said between you and you are glad, you don't think your voice will work.

Caldwell comes running up, breathless. You can see he wants to know what has happened and his voice is wavering as he asks. He is not used to exercise; he is getting too desk bound. The Winter Soldier does not say anything and you realise it is because the question has been put to you. The Winter Soldier holds your arm but doesn't say a word: he is watching you, but truth be known he doesn't know what to say.

You give a halting account of how you heard the first shot and Zolnerowich warned you that the men had got into the building looking for the Winter Soldier and how you ran to warn him before they got to him.

Caldwell nods and says you are to go with him. He goes to take your arm but the Winter Soldier will not allow him to. Looking at the warning in the Winter Soldier's eyes, Caldwell coughs and says that instead it is better if you talk later. You are to go and clean yourself up first. That is when you realise you are splattered with blood and brain matter, grass and mud.

You gulp trying not to think. You don't want to be sick.

You hear Caldwell instruct the Winter Soldier to see him as soon as he has taken you back, and then he is walking you to your room. Once there and inside the door he lets go of your arm and you turn to him but he just shakes his head and then he is gone.

You head for the shower and strip off your clothes. You will not get them cleaned. You never want to wear them again. You have the shower too hot and it scalds your skin, but you don't care and whilst washing you bawl your eyes out. Nobody can hear you and you cry as if you are a child. You shampoo your hair twice and then wash all over again until you have scrubbed your skin clean, all the time trying not to think of what would have happened if the men had been successful. Afterwards you rub yourself dry and change into clean clothes and then sit. You are sure he will come back but what will he say or do.

If they had killed him then he would finally have been free, but you can't bear that thought and keep away from it. It haunts you like an open wound. Yesterday he hurt you badly and at that moment you hated him. But then not that much later you loved him, couldn't bear to be away from him. And today? Today you were in such fear of him dying you would have done anything to stop them from hurting him - and you did _ _.__ You murdered two men. The thoughts go around and around in your mind.

Eventually you hear him approaching and you stand up. He comes in, still wearing the same clothes. He kicks his boots off into the corner. Nothing has been done. You had assumed they would have at least checked him out. He looks tired. He was spared the gore as your body had shielded him from it but you can see the three holes in the leather jacket and there is mud on his clothes. Strangely enough, there is dried blood on his hands.

You don't say anything, just reach up and start to undo the jacket. He hesitates and you think he is going to brush your hand away but he then lowers his hand and you undo the jacket peeling it back; there are three small clinks as the shells fall to the floor and you bend to pick them up; such innocent looking lumps of metal squashed to unrecognisable shapes and yet they could have ended his life. You throw them onto the side table.

He helps you take off the jacket. It is the one that doesn't have a left sleeve and you don't want to catch it on any of the metal plates. As you pull it off, he winces.

The black tee shirt underneath is actually dented where the bullets hit and taking the bottom he helps pull it up over his head and you gulp. His chest is a mass of bruising; the power of the shots had knocked him off his feet and to the ground, after all. He winces again and as a nurse you know the signs. He must have broken ribs, but you know there is no way he will let you take him to one of the doctors.

Instead you touch his chest and he feels your cool fingers at the centre of the pain. He closes his eyes as your hand rests on his skin, he is tired, so tired, his head is hurting.

" _ _I'm sorry," she whispers and his hand takes hers and holds it against his chest. She sees he has opened his eyes and is watching her closely.__

" _ _Why?"__

" _ _Because I saved your life again. You could have been free from...all of this..." she says quietly, as if to herself.__

 _ _She confuses him, everything about her confuses him but all he wants to feel is her hands on him, cooling his hot skin. He realised earlier that the only person he wants near him is her and that is why he came back.__

" _ _Is that not a good thing?" he asks.__

 _ _She tries to smile and nod, but she cannot get the words out.__

 _ _Later though he will remember the words, 'I saved your life again'. What did she mean by 'again'...?__

You leave him for a second and go to the sink and bring back a glass of water and pain killers, which he takes. "I think you might feel better after a shower." He shakes his head.

"Later," he says.

Then he stretches to try and get the kinks out of his neck and you think you see a glimmer of James, __your__ James...but you couldn't have. He unzips his trousers and you help him take them off. Then, because you know him so well you know he needs you, needs your body, maybe just to prove to himself he is still alive...you follow him to his bed.

You are not sure what to expect as he is in pain and you are used to him being rough but he takes you by surprise and lets you lead. You look down at him, gently pushing the hair away from his face and then kissing him, he kisses you back but gently and slowly. You move to kiss his chest and the bruised area that must hurt so much. Your hair gently sweeps over his skin and he breathes in the freshly washed smell of you. He responds as any man would and both of you, taking care, make love gentle and touching. You are so careful not to hurt him, he is careful as if he thinks he may scare you. As he enters you he turns you over onto your back, you know this is the way he likes to be, dominant, but he is careful to hold his weight although it must be causing him some pain to do so and when he climaxes he is almost silent and ensures that you do too.

Afterwards he moves to the side and you take it as a sign that he has finished with you. As you go to leave his bed he reaches out and grabs your wrist. You turn to look at him. He doesn't need to tell you he needs you, you see it in his eyes but he does.

"Stay" he says, and draws you back into his arms.

You listen to his breathing, soon you think he is sleeping and you relax against him and start to drift off. You are aware that you are going to have to think about what you have done today, you have taken lives but at the moment you don't want to, you just want to forget the world outside the door.

Just as you start to drift you hear him speak, his breathing does not change, you thought he was asleep.

"Who is James?" he asks you.

He feels you tense. Your mind thinks it has misheard.

"Who?" you ask.

He doesn't say anything for a moment. "You called me James," he says. You try to move away but his arm tightens so you can't.

Your mind is sluggish, it needs sleep and you fumble for a reply. You can't tell him, when did you call him that? Then you remember, when you were shouting out the warning. You curse silently, what do you say? Your mind knows you have to say something. "He was someone I knew, but he died."

"Then why did you call me James?" he asks. There is no anger in his voice but he wants an answer.

"Because I was frightened and I must have done it without thinking. I'm sorry, you sometimes remind me of him."

"Is that why you're with me? Is that why they gave you to me?"

"No. Its not as simple as that."

"How did he die?" What do you say? What do you do? They will wipe him again if they hear him mentioning that name.

"Please don't ask me any more." he hears the pain in your voice. You try to leave again but he still won't let you.

"Did I kill him?" he asks, and your whole stomach turns with the quietness in his voice.

"No. No you didn't."

He draws you in tighter so he is holding you in his arms and you rest your head on his shoulder.

He is quiet and does not ask you any more.

 **...**

Jackson Caldwell sits, thinking about the answers he had gotten to his questions. The first man of the three man team is now dead...but he died a painful death. They used his wounds against him to get their answers.

 _ _Why was someone trying to kill the Winter Soldier?__ He had asked the man. It took a while to get the answer and the answer was surprising, perplexing.

The three man team had two parts to their mission. One was to kill the soldier and the second was to take his arm. The metal arm. That is why they carried machetes. The thought of what they would have done to remove the arm is sickening, but Caldwell takes it in his stride. However he could not tell how the Winter Soldier felt, standing there listening to the man describe how they were to remove it once the soldier was dead. His eyes showed nothing.

Someone wants the technology Hydra possess. They also want the Tesseract power source. But who are they? The mercenary said he did not know, they had been hired, the money wired into a bank, they never met a contact. The man had died before anything else could be learnt, his guts pulled out through the gun shot wound and crushed as he watched in agony. It was the only way they could get him to talk.

Jackson feels that he has an idea of who they could be.

His father has already spoken of another organisation, someone else who wants to rule the world, someone who has no idea of the battle they are taking on, someone who does not know the true power of Hydra, but they will. They have come into his territory and declared war. Not only will he find them, but he will take the next battle to them.

He picks up the telephone and arranges for a flight back to the States. He needs to find out more.

And he will.


	54. Chapter 54 - New Duties

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Fifty-Four: Winter Soldier & The Constant - New Duties****

It has been twenty-four hours since you saved the Winter Soldier's life. You still feel that it's selfish of you. If they had gone for a head-shot he would be free but it is you that is keeping him here. You forcing him to stay in a life that you know James Barnes would not have wanted.

Why do you always do the wrong thing?

You have been called to Caldwell's office, and when you arrive the Winter Soldier is also there. From the look his secretary gave you when she ushered you in you can tell the two of them have been arguing. The Winter Soldier is not supposed to argue with the director, his handler; he is supposed to obey everything he is told to do. It is clear that he has been out of cryo too long, his programming is breaking down - but from the look on Caldwell's face he doesn't seem too upset by it.

Caldwell invites you to sit down and does not take long in coming to the point.

"He..." meaning the Winter Soldier, "has asked for you to be trained in certain areas." His voice is neutral.

You look to the Winter Soldier for guidance but he says nothing. He is studying you, you can't read what is going through his mind.

You clear your throat. "Which areas? I don't think I understand."

The Winter Soldier moves in his chair. "You can't even fire a gun," he says.

"I don't __want__ to fire a gun," you say, looking at him.

"You need to learn." He just glowers at you, and you have both forgotten Caldwell is there too.

"No, I don't."

" _ _Yes__...you do!"

" _ _No__ , I don't!"

"Children, children..." Caldwell says, bringing you both back down to earth.

You look at him. "I'm a nurse, not a bloody...soldier."

That is news to the Winter Soldier - it is not what they told him in programming.

"I want her to learn to drive as well. As I said I think she can be useful...more useful than __we__ currently use her for."

"What!" You turn back to him. "I don't need to learn to drive, why would I want to drive? I never leave the base, I never use a car." You've barely ever been in a car.

"I want you trained up so that if I need you out in the field..."

"Me? I'm not a soldier. Why would you want me out with you?" Then what he said dawns on you.

You both look at each other.

To him, it is simple. "You saved my life. Out of all the soldiers and guards on the base you were the one who protected me."

You don't know what to say.

"We were discussing training you so that you can be used as another point of exit on missions," Caldwell says. It is something that Adam Morton had been talking about for some time now.

He can see your confusion and continues: "Whenever a mission has been completed, the hardest part can be extraction..." you try to interrupt; after all, the Winter Soldier always travels with a team of highly trained soldiers. But Caldwell holds his hand up. "...let me finish. Most of the time, it is a case of getting him in and out of secure facilities, but sometimes the missions take place in public areas..." You don't want to know what happens. You really don't want to hear any more but you have no choice. "When a hit has taken place, they are looking for a lone assassin or a group of soldiers. What do you think they will do when they see a car full of Russian men with weapons? Much better that he is in a car with a young woman, as if they are out shopping...or on a date. The world is changing out there, and we need to keep up with it."

Caldwell is coming to the end of his time as director of the facility and is gearing up to become something far more important. He has plans to move the Winter Soldier maybe to the States under a new handler, a man named Alexander Pierce. Pierce has been under observation and is believed to have potential. When he hands him over, Caldwell wants to show that he has kept up with the project, improved it, covered all bases.

The initial idea of training Freya may have come from Adam and the Winter Soldier, but the more he thinks about it the more he likes the idea.

You don't know what to say. "But..." you look from Caldwell to the Winter Soldier and then back again. "But I'm...I...wouldn't it be better to have a female soldier? Someone who knows all the…I don't know...hand-to-hand combat..."

Caldwell leans forward. "Freya, my dear, you underestimate yourself. Don't you realise how innocent you look? How naïve? Tell me, if someone right now was to burst in and attack him what would you do? Hmm? Would you sit there and let them? I don't think so. I think you would kill them for even thinking of hurting him."

Caldwell sits back. He knows you, he knows you so well when it comes to the safety of their most valuable asset.

You sit, biting your lip. You can't think of a thing to say. Neither Caldwell or the Winter Soldier are bothered by silences, but you are.

"So, what...what is going to happen?"

Caldwell points at the Winter Soldier. "Starting tomorrow, he is going to teach you how to drive."

"And shoot," adds the Winter Soldier.

"What...both at the same time?" you joke because you are feeling so uneasy.

"If necessary," says the Winter Soldier taking you seriously.

"Whose idea was this?" you ask.

"Both Adam's and his," Caldwell says. "But I have to say I think its a good one." Then turning to the Winter Soldier. "You have two more days until you are both back in cryo, get it done."

He nods.

 _ _Two days,__ you think, __two bloody days. He may be the Winter Soldier, but he is not a bloody miracle worker.__

 **...**

 **The Driving Lesson**

And so the next day you find yourself in the garage complex looking at some huge black monstrosity with the words __Jeep__ embossed on its hood. You don't think you will even be able to get into it, yet alone drive it.

"Here," The Winter Soldier takes down some keys and throws them to you.

You just about catch them.

"I can't drive that...its too...too __big__."

"You can and you will." He waits for you to unlock the doors.

You look around the garage and see a small car tucked away in one corner.

You look back at him. "That one." You point to the smaller car and he shakes his head.

In the past you have always let him have his way, but you know now that if you are going to be of any use to him you need him to know your limitations. You are not good with technology, and you are not good with mechanics. He may not know this, but you do.

You toss the keys back to him which he isn't expecting but catches them, fast reflexes.

"That one." You fold your arms and he frowns at you. Weighing up the look you give him he goes back to the rack and exchanges the keys.

This time he carries them over to you, and together you approach your chosen vehicle.

"I guess it will do for learning," he says grudgingly.

He has been out of cryo for enough time to start to remember you. His tone of voice and the way he responds to you is beginning to change, and you are relieved. If you had to do these things with him as he is straight after programming you know he would end up killing you. Literally.

He unlocks his door and then passes you the keys. Somehow you get them into the lock and twist. The door pops open. He climbs in on the passenger side and you climb in on the driver's side, immediately intimidated by the dashboard monitors, buttons, and gear stick. Lucky you are tall and you can reach the pedals. You wonder what people do if they are too short to reach them.

You sit, holding the keys. He looks at you and frowns.

"I don't know what to do. You're the teacher," you say.

"You put the key in the ignition," he says simply.

"Great," you say, "and where's that?"

"What?"

"Where's the ignition thing?" You look along the dashboard, trying to see somewhere to insert a key.

He doesn't say anything, just looks at you.

You sigh. "Look, lets get one thing straight. I've been in a car maybe three times and one of those was in the boot. I have never driven one. You will need to talk me through it."

He frowns as you speak; it's as if you are talking a foreign language, one that he doesn't know.

"Well?" you ask.

He turns and looks out of the window. You can see that he is thinking. Then he looks back at you.

"That is the steering wheel, you use it to steer the car..." he bends forward over you and points "that is the ignition you put the key in, turn and it will start the car."

"And those things on the floor?"

"Pedals."

"I can see that! But what do they do?" __It's like getting blood out of a stone,__ you think. He may be a top assassin but he knows sod all about teaching someone to drive.

He indicates them in turn. "That one is the brake. This one you use to put the car in gear..." he taps the gear stick between you. "And the final pedal makes the car go faster."

Then he sits back and looks out of the front window, waiting for you to start the car.

Taking a deep breath you put the key in the ignition and turn it. Nothing.

"Two clicks," he says.

You turn it again twice and the car jumps and stalls.

He turns to look at you, frowning again. "You haven't taken it out of gear."

Your heart is hammering; you hadn't expected the car to lurch like that. "You didn't tell me to...I don't even know what you __mean__!" It is rare for you to lose your temper, and it is even rarer for you to lose it with him but you can see this day ending with him sporting two black eyes if he carries on like this.

"It's simple, you make sure the gear stick...this..." he taps the gear stick "...is in neutral first, then you put your foot on that accelerator peddle and then you turn the key in the ignition."

You follow what he has said looking at him when the stick won't move and he indicates you press one of the pedals which seems to then allow you to move the gear stick. It pops back into neutral.

You turn the ignition twice and again the car jumps and stalls.

He looks at you.

"Don't blame me, I did what you told me."

He looks down around the steering wheel and sees a small handle next to the the column. "You need choke," he says, pointing at it.

"And what is that?"

"You don't need to know what it is, you just need to pull that handle up!" he growls this at you.

You pull it up. You start the car again and this time it works, with coughs and splutters.

"Keep your foot on the…pedal that makes it go faster," he says. You end up sat with the car idling.

"Now what?"

"You need to drive." He looks at you. You look at him. "You need to reverse it out of this garage onto the track, and then we can drive," he adds looking behind him at the huge empty garage floor and giant doors.

"Reverse it?"

"Go backwards."

You look at him.

"Put the gear stick into reverse and then drive it backwards. It's simple."

You still look at him and he frowns again. "Put your foot on that peddle again." You do as he says.

"Press it down. __Just a little bit!__ Okay, now..." He looks at the strange diagram on the top of the gear stick. "Push the gear stick down until it clicks and then move it downwards."

You do so, but the car is not moving. It seems to be straining against itself and you wonder if it is broken.

"You need to take the handbrake off."

"The what?"

"The handbrake...this." He does it for you and the car lurches back fast.

"Brake!" he cries.

You pull at the handbrake.

" _ _No!__ Not that one!" he yells.

The car stalls just before you hit the big black monstrosity calling itself a Jeep.

He sits with his eyes closed and teeth clenched. He breathes in, opens his eyes, and looks at you. "Look, it's really simple..." he says one word at a time through clenched teeth.

"If you say it is simple one more time I will hurt you," you say before he gets any further.

He smirks at you. "You __couldn't__ hurt me."

"You're in combat trousers and a tee shirt with no battle gear...believe me the way I feel, I could hurt you!" you snap, and your expression leaves him in no doubt.

He looks at you for a few seconds then opens his car door. "Out...now!" he says as he exits and you get out too.

He walks around to your side and gets in the driver's seat, having to move it backwards to accommodate him. Even so, he looks cramped.

He looks at you stood next to the door. "Get in the other side."

You do.

As simple as anything he starts the car, and reverses it out of the garage and onto the track. He stops it leaving it idling in neutral. He gets out and you follow suit, guessing that you are back in the driving seat now.

You both get in and you can't find how to pull the seat forward so you can reach the pedals. He reaches under the seat whilst pushing the back of it and you go forward.

"Thank you."

He looks at you. "Drive."

You had watched him as he drove out, trying to take in as much as you could. You put your foot on the pedal that moves the gear stick and try to make sense of the diagram. After a few seconds he takes your hand puts it on the knob and presses the stick into what you think is called first gear.

"Thank you."

You then put your foot on the pedal that makes it go faster and the engine revs, you take your foot off so it barely touches it, it goes quieter. You take a deep breath and release the hand brake and the car lurches forward and you grab the steering wheel which spins in your hand.

"Brake!" he shouts for the second time today. "Brake! The middle pedal, push it down now!"

You slam your foot on the pedal.

The car stops, both of you nearly going through the windshield. The car is now facing the exact opposite way to where you started.

Just in front of the wall of the garage.

"For God's sake its simp..." he stops mid-word.

You look at him. He is quiet for a few moments, then he gets out of the car again.

"Get out."

You swap places once more. He drives the car back into the garage and sits there.

You feel hopeless. You want to try and explain that you are no good with machinery or technology of any kind but you are also angry. You can't be programmed to do something, you have to learn the hard way, and this is what you end up saying to him.

He looks at you. "I wasn't programmed to drive," he says.

"Well, bully for you."

He studies you. You are close to tears but you don't want to cry. None of this was your idea.

"Out."

"I'm not getting in that seat again," you say.

"Too damn right you're not," his tone is final.

He gets out, waits for you to get out, locks the doors and goes and puts the keys back. There is no way he can teach you to drive in the time that he has.

He walks off and then realises you are not with him and turns to find you. You are still stood in the garage. You don't know what to do. Are you supposed to follow him, or has he given up?

He takes a deep breath and walks back to where you are stood. "You're to follow me."

"Thanks for telling me." He blinks, and then turns and walks away again. This time, you follow.

It is when you get nearer to the bunker that you realise where you are going.

"Oh great..." you mutter to yourself. "Wasn't able to kill him in the car so now I get to try and shoot him."

"What?" he asks, turning.

"Nothing," you say.

This is turning into a brilliant day.

 **...**

 **The Firing Range Lesson**

You have only been in here once before. The only guns you have ever touched were the ones you used yesterday, and the first of those was by accident and you ended up using it as a club instead. The second time it was the Winter Soldier who had his finger on the trigger using yours to depress it.

You have to sign in to say who has used the range, and you look at what he writes.

It is an X. That is what they have reduced him to.

"Put these on." He hands you a pair of safety glasses.

Then he selects a gun from the cabinet, thinks for a moment, and then changes it for a smaller one.

"Hold out your hand." He puts the gun in it.

You can't believe how heavy it is as you pick it up and look at it, turning it around. Then you peer down the barrel.

"What are you doing?" he asks in disbelief.

"I'm seeing if it's loaded," you say.

He looks at the floor as if he is counting to ten, then he looks back at you. "It's not loaded." he says.

You look at it. "Good."

"Never..." he says teeth gritted, "ever, look down the barrel even if you don't think it is loaded and..." He pushes the gun barrel away from where you have it pointed at him. "Never point it at someone unless you are about to shoot them."

"But it's not loaded. You said so yourself."

"That's not the point."

"But if it's not loaded then it's not dangerous," you say.

He closes his eyes briefly. "Come over here." He takes you into a type of cubicle. "You see that target at the end?" He points to a poster of a man which is embossed with rings over the torso. "Lift the gun up using both hands, and line the barrel up with the centre of it." You do.

He then moves behind you, close to you and extends his arms along yours, slightly altering your line of sight. "Now, feel how it sits in your hand and grip it hard..." you can't help but burst out laughing. He has his body pressed so tightly to yours you can't take the sentence seriously and you lower the gun.

"What are you laughing at?" he asks, puzzled.

You look at him and shake your head, still laughing. "If you don't know what I'm not telling you." You are naïve in a lot of ways, sheltered even, but living and working around soldiers you have heard enough innuendo to last you a lifetime.

But this is the Winter Soldier, he is serious and he genuinely doesn't know what you are laughing at. He is frowning again so you lift the gun and he comes back behind you, kicking your feet apart slightly more. Then with his hands on your arms he helps you line it up.

At last, something you are able to do. "When you press the trigger the gun will buck back slightly. This is called recoil and it changes from gun to gun so you need to find one you are comfortable with and stick to it. We'll try several types to see how they feel in your hands before you shoot anything."

You try three of them but you are happiest with the first one he chose, so you tell him you will stick with that one.

"Now. I'm going to load the gun, and you are going to shoot the target." He takes the weapon and adds the bullets.

He hesitates slightly when he hands it back to you.

"Always keep it pointed at the floor." You point it at the floor and he hastily steps back.

"The floor, not my feet!"

"Sorry."

He stands behind you again in the cubicle and helps you line your sights up. You love the way he is so close to you, the way his strong fingers curl around the yours...and you find it distracting.

"I'll help you control the gun for the first shot." It is lucky he does so; you are not expecting such a recoil or noise when you fire it. He has forgotten to give you ear defenders and your ears ring within the close confines of the cubicle.

With his help, the bullet almost scored a direct hit.

"Your turn, but wait a moment." He disappears and comes back with two sets of ear defenders. He disappears and comes back with two sets of ear defenders. He places one set over your ears and then puts the second set over his.

"See how simple it is? You can try it on your own now," he says, loudly. You are a little disappointed as you would love him to hold you again but you do as he says. You stand feet apart, line up the target, and fire.

And even the highly-trained Winter Soldier cannot work out where the bullet went.

"But it was simple, all you had to do was..."

He looks at you and you see alarm in his face. "Don't point it at your feet!" he cries.

"I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I __did not__ ," you emphasise the __did not__.

"You..."

That is as far as you let him get.

You gently lay the gun down on the shelf next to the ear defenders and then remove the safety glasses.

"Put those back on."

"No."

"Put those back on. I want you to try again." He scowls at you. You look at him.

"What you want and what you get are two different things. I'm going to lunch." You walk away.

You are not hungry, but you need to get as far away as possible from this confrontation. You feel sick, as though you can't do anything right. All the way back you argue with yourself. You are a nurse, not a soldier, you save lives not take them. Then you think back to the men you killed yesterday: you clubbed one to death, you didn't just shoot him, you continually hit him until he was nothing, until he was of no danger to the Winter Soldier.

And then the age old question that haunts you. What have they turned you into?

He gets back to your room half an hour later and you can see he is annoyed. You put food in front of him and you both eat quietly.

"You are coming back to the range this afternoon," he says in a tone that brooks no argument.

You are quiet for a moment. "All right, if you want. But first I need you to do something. It will take half an hour, and then I'm all yours," you say.

He looks at you and nods.

You disappear for ten minutes and when you come back you are holding a medical kit. You pull up two chairs opposite each other and next to the table, and you ask him to sit in one of them. Then you hand him the kit.

"I want you to take my blood," you say.

He frowns. "Why? Are you sick?" He looks down into the kit and you can see he has no idea where to begin.

"I'll tell you why afterwards. Which arm do you want?" You hold out both and you can see he is confused.

But after looking at both your arms he taps your right one.

"Okay, we'll do the right," you say.

He puts the kit on the table and goes to take something out of it.

"Have you washed your hands?" you ask.

"No."

"Well you need to do that first." He goes and washes his hands at the sink.

He is more confident now as he remembers the times he has had blood taken from him, it is more than a regular occurrence.

It's simple. He can do this. He rubs the inside of your elbow with some dry cotton wool.

"You need to use the swab, not the cotton wool."

He looks into the kit and holds up a wipe and you nod. He opens it and swabs your arm.

Next he picks up the needle and you shake your head. He puts it back down.

He picks up the tourniquet and you nod and then he fastens it to your arm tightly, so tight it is nipping your skin and you shake your head. He loosens it and now it slips down.

He tries again. He gets it right, more or less. He picks up the syringe and you shake your head.

"Swab."

"But I just did."

"I know, but you need to do it now, not then, and don't forget to put gloves on," you nod to the gloves in the kit.

He opens a set and puts them on, then re-swabs your arm. You can see he is growing mildly annoyed.

You know this is going to hurt.

He picks up the needle and syringe and without any help makes a good job of screwing the needle into the syringe.

 _ _Just like a silencer on a gun,__ you think.

Then he takes your arm. He has seen the doctors pat the arm so he does but he has no idea why and then he just pushes the needle into the middle of your arm.

"Jesus!" you jump, yelping.

He removes it. A bead of blood drops onto your knee. You look him in the eye.

"It's simple! You put it in a vein to take blood! You don't just stick it anywhere."

He glowers at you then tries again, this time he puts it straight through a vein and you yelp again. You can't help it; it bloody well hurts.

But you hold back your temper. "Here. Let me show you," you say sweetly.

You get your other arm ready, swab the arm, tap it, hold the vein and gently push the needle in bevel side up.

Then you take it out again.

You give him back your other arm which is now showing signs of bruising. "Now you do it."

He tries to do it but he can't find the vein so you guide his hand until finally the needle is in.

He looks at you and you smile. "Okay, take some blood."

He looks at the needle and back at the box and picks up the bottle. Whilst he is doing that the needle slips out of the vein and blood trickles down your arm.

He looks back and realises and without stopping just jabs it back into you again.

You feel like a pin cushion. You yelp. He sits back.

"I don't know why you want me to do this. I don't need to know it. Why don't you just do it yourself if you need blood taken?" he growls, frustrated. He doesn't realise what you are trying to do.

You remove the tourniquets and show him your arms. The one you used has no mark, the one he used is now covered in a large unsightly bruise which is getting worse and there is blood still trickling down your forearm, which throbs.

"I'm a nurse. I know how to take blood. You are a soldier, so you don't. You know how to fire a gun because you are a soldier. I'm not a soldier."

You can see him working it out in his head. He dry washes his face.

"Do you understand?" you ask. He studies you, and then nods.

You get up and pack away the kit throwing away the used items. He is still sat watching you.

"So?" you say. "Off to the gun range?"

He shakes his head "No" Then he gets up, picks up his jacket and leaves without another word.

You think you may have upset him. You haven't.

You don't see him for the rest of the day and when he returns he doesn't say any more about your lessons so you guess that it is a subject that has been dropped.

Right up until the next morning.

You don't know why but you are to follow him and when you get to where you are going you are more confused. The three members of his team are there. You know Adam well, but the other two are new. You know their names: Abram Fyodorov and Marat Volkov. Both Rodion and Viktor no longer travel with the Winter Soldier mission team, but they still teach here on the camp. New, younger blood has been brought in.

"Abram he is going to teach you how to drive. Marat is going to teach you how to shoot. And Adam is going to instruct you in hand-to-hand combat."

He says it so simply. You smile at each of them whilst your stomach drops. "But..." you start to say.

He holds a hand up, and then thanks and dismisses his men. When you are by yourselves he leads you over to a seat.

"I'm going back into cryo and you will follow __only__ when you are proficient. It doesn't matter how long it takes but you __are__ going to learn."

He is firm.

 _ _He hasn't told her and next time he won't remember but he doesn't just want her there to protect him, he wants her to be able to protect herself. By being part of his team she will become more than just the whore they tell him she is. He feels somewhere in his past he has had someone else watching his back, and that it is a good thing. He knows already that she watches his but this way he knows he will watch hers even when he doesn't know who she really is.__

Then he leans forward and kisses your forehead. "I want you safe," he murmurs.

 **...**

It takes them three months of intensive training and a lot of patience on their part. At the end of it they would trust you with their lives, but more importantly they would trust you with the life of the Winter Soldier. They agree on one thing, it is obvious you were not born to be a soldier, it does not come naturally to you but you know enough now. You will only be there on some missions as an exit point. You will not know any details of the missions, who he is to kill, why, nothing but the fact you are there to give him an extra safety net.

You can now handle most of the simple situations that may arise.

He will be safe. __And more importantly to him, you will be as well.__


	55. Chapter 55 - Hail Hydra!

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Fifty-Five: The Winter Soldier & His Constant - Hail Hydra!****

 _ _He has been woken up and programmed. The programming was hard this time: they have added a new layer, one to try and see if it will extend the life of the programming. It has made him colder, harder, more dangerous, more violent. When he comes out from the suite he feels nothing but contempt for the whole world around him. The only ones who can save this world are his proprietors. Hydra.__

 _ _Hail Hydra!__

 _ _He returns to his quarters and meets the whore who looks after him. He is utterly dead inside. He knows his mission and that is all that matters.__

 _ _Hail Hydra!__

 _ _It doesn't stop him from getting angry though. Angry and frustrated. He needs an outlet; they have found they need to leave that in so it works to help him achieve his mission, his goal. Until the mission is due, he needs to take his rage out on something or someone. After all, that is why he has his Constant, that is why she is his and no one else's.__

 _ _Hail Hydra!__

 _ _Despite the programming being hard on him, he is hyperactive and tense when he gets back to his room. At first, the Constant tries to talk to him but she can see the coldness in his eyes, it is even deeper than normal and she is wary, holds herself back. There is a disgust in his eyes for her and she flinches away from him when he gets too close and raises his hand. He looks at her and sneers.__

 _ _Hail Hydra!__

 **...**

Breathing deeply, you push the blade further in and the Winter Soldier staggers back from you.

Blood runs down your hand, onto your arm. It drips to the floor. You push the knife in further, until the blade is buried deep within him. He watches it disappear into his stomach, feeling it enter him. His eyes are wide in disbelief. He looks at you, into your eyes. He is trying to ask you __why__ as he staggers and drops to his knees, the weight of his body taking you with him so you are both kneeling. You push it further grunting with the effort, turning it as you do so that it will cause greater damage. Then, using all of your strength, you pull it upwards - hopefully into his heart.

His lips are blistering and you know the blade isn't all that is causing him agony. The drink you just gave him was laced with potassium chloride and it is burning him inside, the liquid bubbling through his mouth, down his throat stripping his skin and muscle.

He has made no effort to stop you. His hands stay at his side, it is because he is in shock. Shock that the only person he has ever trusted is you and it is you that is killing him.

He falls away from you, onto his back. As he falls the knife slides out of him and is left, bloody, in your hand.

You throw it away from you. You haven't finished yet. Your hands are covered in blood; a pool is gathering around where you are knelt. Where he is lying. His eyes are still open and his hands clutch at the terrible wound in his stomach.

You stumble up and backwards to the table where your cardigan lies. Under it is the loaded gun which you take up.

He should never have had you trained to use one.

You kneel back down, next to him. Your knees slide in the blood but you are steady. You have to be. You have to finish this.

He is looking at you trying to say something, trying again to ask you why. Blood and tissue run out of his mouth. The acid was a strong one and has already burnt away everything it has touched. The agony showing in his eyes is tremendous...but it is not just physical.

You have betrayed him.

You know the gun is loaded. You did it yourself. You place the barrel against his temple as you hear shouting outside the room. No. They can't get in yet. You have locked the door and placed a chair under the handle.

You think you hear the word __why__ come from him. You look into the black holes of his eyes.

"For James," you say, and then you pull the trigger.

The gun bucks in your hand and you are splattered with warm liquid. The bullet has entered his temple, burnt the hair there, blown through and taken the other side of his head away. Blood, gore, splintered bone, and brain matter lay across the floor and up part of the wall.

His eyes are still open but now there is no light there. Nothing.

They are breaking the door down and you are nearly out of time. You didn't mean to feel but you are crying now, your breath hitching in hysterical sobs. You get up quickly. He is dead but you cannot take any chances. You look down aiming the gun at the middle of his forehead and pull the trigger again. His body bucks. His face seems to collapse in on itself. You feel sick, dizzy, disorientated.

You stand up just as the chair gives way and the door flies open.

There are guards, soldiers. Stefan is there, and Eric Jakobs. You frown. Stefan and Jakobs? It makes no sense.

"My God, Freya, what have you done?" Stefan is horrified, looking from you to the Winter Soldier and back again.

You look at him; it feels so real. "Stefan?" You begin to cry. You did not think you would ever see him again.

"What have you done?" he asks again and steps away from you in horror. You are covered in the Winter Soldier's blood.

"No, it's all right," you say, pointing to the dead soldier on the floor. "He asked me to do it. James asked me to!" You need Stefan to understand why you have done such a terrible thing.

It is for James, you did this for James.

Jakobs grabs you. "You stupid woman!" He holds you firmly and turns you around to look at what you have done.

You look down but it is not the Winter Soldier lying there. It is James.

His lips are blistered and blood has run out of his mouth. He is lying in a pool of blood and his right hand is still clutching his stomach where you plunged the knife in. Although you remember his face collapsing it is now somehow complete, just as it was in the field hospital but there are two terrible wounds where you have shot him. His left arm is just a stub.

And he is dead, a look of painful disbelief written on his features.

"No!" You shake your head, looking back at Stefan. "No, he asked me to, he wanted to die!" You look at James whilst you struggle to escape Jakobs' hold.

"No! No! It's not him, no!" You are screaming. How could you have been so wrong? How could you have hurt him so badly?

"Stop struggling!" Jakobs' voice is angry as his grip on you tightens. "Wake up!" He is shaking you and you are sobbing, screaming, and fighting him. Suddenly he slaps you, hard.

Only it is not Jakobs, it is the Winter Soldier. His face is in front of you, he is alive. He is the one who has struck you.

You are in your bed. The bedside lamp on the far side of the room is on and the Soldier is holding you, shaking you. You are covered in sweat which at first you think is blood, his blood; it runs down your face, between your breasts and makes you shudder.

"No..." You look behind you as, if you are still in the nightmare, as if you have still made that dreadful mistake. "I killed you, I killed you!" You are hysterical when you turn back to him. He is leaning over the bed, his hands grasping both your arms. He is the one shaking you. Neither Jakobs or Stefan are there, and you remember that they are dead. They died a long time ago. You still miss them both so much.

You look up at the Winter Soldier. He has only been out of cryo for two days, he does not know you yet. He is annoyed that your screaming has woken him but then he sees the look in your eyes.

You struggle to sit up, you are trembling and although he doesn't move away he does let you go and you touch his face.

"You're all right...you're alive..." You are weeping now, your hands so gentle on his skin.

He doesn't say anything, just continues to look at you. He frowns.

"Oh God, oh my God..." You cover your face with your hands and cry.

He doesn't know what to do with you.

"Go back to sleep," he says gruffly. He releases you and goes to leave but you don't want him to. You need to touch him, need to know that he is alive. The nightmare always seems so real.

You catch hold of his hand. He tries to shake you off but your grasp is stronger than usual and you pull him closer. He cannot remember ever seeing you like this. Why do you seem to care? You are just a whore.

You rub his hand down your cheek and kiss the back of it. You can smell him, feel the softness of his skin. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," you say, still crying.

He just stands there, the look in his eyes so cold, barely tolerating your ravings. You let him go and make an effort to pull yourself together. You swing around so that you are sat on the edge of your bed. You don't see him look at your long legs, your nightdress has rucked up, your hair has come loose and falls over your shoulder and down in front of you.

You are still trying to pull yourself together, taking deep breaths.

He backs away from you.

"Go to sleep!" he says gruffly, with disgust. It is an order and you watch as he walks back to his own bed. He doesn't look back at you as he climbs in, switches out the light and pulls the sheets over himself, his back to you.

The same nightmare again. It's been a while since you've had it, but it is like a plague and always leaves you shaken and distraught.

You killed him. You killed him in the most vicious way.

And you know where it stems from.

A long time ago, when the Winter Soldier was still James Buchanan Barnes, he had begged you to kill him. After so many times of asking, you eventually agreed and the thoughts you had at that time of how to do it never left your mind as they were so horrendous. How do you kill someone whose body repairs itself at the rate his does? How do you kill someone who means more than life itself to you?

This nightmare has haunted you since then.

You lie back down, breathing through your mouth. Trying to get rid of the trembling, trying to get rid of the sight of his face as you betrayed him, sinking the knife deep into his belly. You clench your fists. It always seems so real. Both Stefan and Jakobs are there, and they are always horrified at what you have done because they know you, they know that you are not capable of violence against this man.

You hold your breath so that you can listen and you hear the Winter Soldier breathing. He has fallen asleep; he could sleep through a bomb going off if he believes he is safe. He doesn't know it on a conscious level but that is how much he trusts you.

You would do anything to be able to get up and get into his bed, to snuggle up to him, feel him next to you, alive and breathing.

But you can't.

Your body is drying, the sweat leaving you smelling of fear. Your hair is tangled and will take a million strokes of the brush next morning to untangle. You close your eyes and try to think of other things and eventually you fall into an undisturbed sleep. Your greatest fear allayed for another night. It doesn't matter what he puts you through, what __they__ put you through.

You will never be able to hurt him. Never.

 **...**

 _ _The next morning he ignores her as much as he can, still feeling nothing for her. She looks tired, her eyes bruised, and she is clumsy - nearly spilling her drink down her front. Her hands are unsteady.__

 _ _She has tried to apologise for waking him last night, but he does not reply. She looks away, not wanting to see the coldness in his eyes. But he does find himself watching her; she finds it unnerving and it makes her even more clumsy. She is supposed to be one of his team of '__ experts', _ _but he thinks he knows there is only one thing she must be an expert in. The thought is not a nice one and she would be hurt if she knew what he was thinking. He knows she is only responsible as an exit point but it still rankles, how could she ever be given the responsibility of anything other than servicing him?__

 _ _Then he looks away, details of his mission surging through his mind: things he must do, things he must remember, the finer details. He stands as a guard knocks on the door, opens it and shouts ''five minutes." He nods and finishes dressing. On autopilot, she comes up and starts helping him and he doesn't shy away as it seems normal to him for her to be doing this. Then he is fully dressed and ready to go.__

 _ _She looks at him and for a moment he sees her hesitate, then she touches his arm and the look in her eyes is so genuine that for a moment he senses something. "I'll be waiting for you. Be careful."__

 _ _The feeling passes and he frowns at her. She removes her hand, and pretends to be picking up his gloves to pass to him but he saw the look on her face just before she turned away. He has that feeling again; a sense that he is missing something, something vital that he should know about her.__

 _ _Then Adam comes for him and he walks away, but just before he leaves the room he turns once more to look at her, to take her face in, to memorise it. For some reason he couldn't explain, he doesn't want to forget. He puts it down to the fact she will be his exit point on this mission so he is ensuring he remembers her, but deep down he knows it is more than that.__

 _ _And then he is gone and his mind is fully on his mission. He is taken to the car that he will travel in, Adam and Abram up front, and Marat in the back with him. It is a long drive ahead of them and they will drop him near the point of his mission.__

 _ _He has been told where the woman will wait for him once he has finished the task. Adam confirms once again that she will then bring him to where they are to meet the plane. The mission will then be completed. The Winter Soldier questions why she is needed, and is told that is the way it will be. She is a cover in case they are stopped. They will be seen as a couple out for a drive. Freya will have even put a picnic box on the back seat. It is that simple.__

" _ _Repeat back to me your mission parameters." Adam's voice is firm and commanding.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier stares at him, his eyes unchanging.__

" _ _Arrive at the drop-off point and walk one mile to target's house. Enter and terminate target. Locate files and ensure they are destroyed - all of them. Meet up with the exit driver two miles away. Join you at the plane."__

" _ _Have you any further questions?"__

" _ _No." The Winter Soldier's reply is final.__

 _ _Adam nods, looks away satisfied. The new programming has taken full effect.__

 _ _Hail Hydra!__

 **...**

 _ _Half an hour later they drop him at the side of the road in the middle of a wooded area and watch as he disappears into the trees. He is dressed in black tee-shirt, trousers, and jacket. His left arm covered. His black gloves finish his ensemble. In the exit car Freya has a change of jackets in case it is needed. The Winter Soldier carries a can full of flammable liquid. For weapons he has one gun tucked away, a knife, and two grenades. None of it is really needed as he could do the mission just with his bare hands but he is always prepared.__

 _ _It takes him no time at all to jog to the house. It is a rundown red brick property in the middle of the trees. A rutted track leads up to the front door. It has definitely seen better days. None of this means anything to the Winter Soldier but he does take note of the car outside. It shouldn't be there. His target must have a visitor.__

 _ _He listens. All he can hear is the wind and birdsong in the top of the trees. He edges closer and looks in the window at the front. All he can see through the dusty glass is a room with old furniture and a television stuck in the corner. It is empty of any people.__

 _ _He silently goes to the back of the house and has more luck there. Looking through the kitchen window he can see a woman stood by the stove. She is making something, her back to him but even so he recognises her from the file. It is the old man's daughter. No threat. Easy to eliminate.__

 _ _He tries the door knob quietly and it turns easily and slowly opens. The Winter Soldier makes no noise at all. She doesn't even know there is another person in the room with her. No sound from the rest of the house but he is expecting to find the old man upstairs in his study. The Winter Soldier knows the layout of the house, knows so many things about his target.__

 _ _He quietly places the can on the floor.__

 _ _Silently and swiftly he comes up behind the unsuspecting woman and the first thing she knows about it is when his hands are around her neck, pulling her back against him and then squeezing. Her hands fly up to grasp his own. She falls back against him and she rakes the back of his gloves with her fingernails. She cannot get a grip, cannot breathe, cannot scream.__

 _ _He holds her steady, sure that he has her completely under his control and it will only take a few more seconds - but he has underestimated her, underestimated the strength of utter panic.__

 _ _She flails, and her hand catches the saucepan of boiling water on the stove top. She grasps it desperately and hurls it backwards at the assailant behind her. It will not be enough to save her but the boiling water and the hot metal does hit the Winter Soldier and one side of his face suddenly feels like it is being burnt with acid.__

 _ _He grunts as he feels the boiling water scald his bare skin, burning through the top two layers. Part of the metal pan has caught his cheek and bruised it. He feels anger surge up inside him as the pain hits him full force, but he doesn't let go of the woman. Instead he pulls her downwards to the floor and turns her so he can see her face. His hands tighten around her neck. He kneels on her chest and she can see a terrifying anger in the man's eyes. His face on the right side is bright red, blisters coming up on the skin but his eyes are the worst: there is such a madness there.__

 _ _The saucepan lies forgotten now on the kitchen floor as he stares at the dead woman, his fingers still tight around her throat.__

 _ _He breathes in. His mission: he must not get distracted, he must use his anger - not let it use him.__

 _ _He takes his hands away. Her throat is crushed, her eyes glassy. She is dead.__

 _ _He stands and for a moment his eyesight wavers and then partly clears, boiling water has gone into his right eye leaving it cloudy. His right hand touches the burns, they are painful.__

 _ _His mission. He has to fulfil his mission.__

 _ _Putting the pain to the back of his mind, he grasps the petrol can and walks through the house, climbs the stairs. The study door is open. He can hear a ticking clock which chimes the quarter of the hour. At the door he looks in. The old man is sat at a desk; the PC monitor in front of him full of writing seems at odds with the paper mess around it. The man is fully focused on it, but he catches the shadow of someone approaching.__

" _ _Ah, Helen, I thought you had forgotten my tea," he says smiling, turning to speak to her. Only the figure before him is not his daughter.__

 _ _Instead, it is a stranger clad in black. Half his face red and blistered. The man's eyes widen as he takes in the Soldier's features. The stranger is wearing a leather jacket and black cotton trousers. His hands are gloved. Long dark hair down to his shoulders, blue eyes that are colder than ice.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier reaches forward before the man can move. In his hand is a sharp knife, but the man doesn't feel as it comes forward across his throat, splashing his blood onto the computer, across the shelf above the desk, across the books he has spent a lifetime collecting. Finally, spilling the rest onto the old carpet on the floor, a beautiful oriental rug he and his wife bought together when they were young, before life took her away from him.__ _Now his life force bleeds out to cover the pattern and his body sags dead in the chair._

 _ _The Winter Soldier looks around the room. He is trying to ignore the pain which is making him feel hot, disorientated, angry, furious he let the woman injure him in this way.__

 _ _He rifles through the filing cabinet against the wall. These are the files he is to destroy, but even if they are not he will not take any chances. He will burn the whole house to the ground. Nothing will survive. He pours petrol over everything, down the stairs, into the kitchen. The fumes aggravate his burns.__

 _ _Next he turns on all the gas appliances. He can smell the stink of it. He opens the back door and goes out into the garden.__

 _ _Everything seems so peaceful outside, so normal. He takes out a grenade, unpins it, counts to ten and then hurls it through the upstairs study window.__

 _ _The explosion is terrific, the fire takes hold immediately and when he can see that there will be nothing left he turns and leaves. His task completed.__

 **...**

Although you are two miles away you hear the deadened sound of an explosion and you know it has something to do with the Winter Soldier and his mission. You try not to think about it, try not to wonder who he has killed this time.

You are standing outside the car, which you have backed up onto one of the tracks leading into the wood. All you need to do when he arrives is drive the car back up onto the main road and then deliver him to where the plane will be waiting. You will then all return to camp together. It all seems so simple but it is your first time out and you are nervous you do not know what to expect. They have been over the details, over the maps so that you memorised them. They have even given you a gun.

As it is a back road there is not a lot of traffic and no one can see you from the main road but you still find yourself sweating whenever you hear a vehicle drive by.

You do not hear him when he comes up. You are leant against the car and his sudden appearance makes you jump. The first thing you see is the wound on his face.

"Oh my God. Your face! What happened?" You reach out to touch him. The right part of his face is almost red raw, swollen, small blisters oozing fluid and you can see some of it goes down onto his neck. His right eye is cloudy. There are scratches on his face where he has run through the trees and they have caught the raw skin.

"Nothing!" he snarls and you miss the warning in his tone because all you can think about is that he is injured. You have a first aid case and cold water in the boot and you turn to get it.

 _ _His anger is overflowing. The burns hurt and he is still resentful that he allowed the woman to injure him. How did he let it happen? He wants to get into the car and leave. He strips of his leather jacket which stinks of petrol and throws it on the back seat and grabs the other jacket, a red and black checked cotton one.__

" _ _We need to see to the burns," the woman is saying to him. She has the trunk open and a box in her hand, she reaches back into the boot and brings out a bottle of water which he snatches from her. He didn't realise he was so thirsty.__

" _ _No, wait, I want to use that on your face!" She tries to take it back before he can drink straight from the bottle; she doesn't want the purity of it compromised as she wants to soak a cloth in it to put up against the burns to cool the angry skin.__

 _ _He hits out at her, knocks her away from getting the bottle, and tips it back to drink from it. He just wants to get in the car and to be driven away from this place. His ears are humming and his face is pulsing with pain. The woman looks upset. He follows her when she goes to the back of the car and he reaches up and slams the boot of the car almost trapping her hand in it.__

" _ _Just get in the car!" He grabs the case out of her hand and throws it away into the trees.__

" _ _But you're hurt, I need to..." she is saying something, but he has had enough.__

 _ _Frustration and fury surge up through him and he hits out at her, hard. She stumbles back but he hasn't finished and he hits her again, this time so hard that she falls backwards onto the ground. It's as if he blames her for the pain, as if it is she who caused it. He feels himself losing control and he bends down and pulls her up by her hair, drags her along the gravel tearing her jeans and as she cries out as he hits her again, bloodying her nose.__

 _ _Then he drops her. And his knife is now in his hand. He is breathing heavily and...__

...you do not recognise this crazed creature in front of you. His eyes are wild, he stinks of petrol and tension, you can see he is so wound up, out of control. You do not know what to do, you have never seen him this bad. He reaches forward to pull you up again but you scoot back and put your hands out to stop him.

"Stop, you must stop, remember your mission!" It is all you can think of screaming at him. He keeps coming forward for a moment more and then he stops. He is breathing hard, still reaching forward with one hand, the other hand gripping the knife.

"No!" Your hands are trembling, and you watch as he snarls - as he decides he has had enough of you and turns away and walks back to the car. As you stagger to your feet you realise what is happening. He is getting into the driver's side and slamming the door shut.

He is going to drive off without you.

"No wait! Don't!" you yell, but he takes no notice. You move to get up on to your feet, your hand automatically wiping at the blood streaming from your nose.

The car starts and kicks up dirt and stones as he fishtails it back out onto the road. You run after it but it turns onto the road and by the time you reach the tarmac it has straightened and is driving away. You run to the road but it is picking up speed and is going too fast for you to ever hope to catch up with it.

 _ _And he looks in the driver's mirror, sees her reach the road. He is certain he hears her cry for him to stop. He is driving erratically; he needs to think but the pain and rage he is feeling is making it difficult to concentrate. He wants to get away, get as far away as possible, meet his team and be out of here. He presses the accelerator down to the floor and hears the engine roar, and soon he cannot see her in the mirror any more. He is sweating heavily, doesn't realise it but he is cursing, repeating back parts of his mission, his mind trying to escape from the pain of the burns.__

" _ _Breathe slowly," his inner voice begins to tell him. "Calm down." Slowly, his foot eases off the accelerator, dropping the car's speed to normal. But as he drives all he can see is the look on her face as he drove away from her: the shock in it, the desperation. Three miles up the road he slows and then applies the brakes. The car stops.__

 _ _He leans forward, breathing heavily, leaning on the steering wheel. He needs the pain to stop. His programming is trying to calm him. He takes a deep breath, then another one.__

 _ _A voice in his mind tells him to repeat his mission details and he does, calmer this time. Then he repeats them again and again and he can feel himself regaining control. He looks up and in the mirror. All he sees is empty road.__

" _ _Meet my exit driver and she will take me to the plane..." But she is not with him. He will have failed his mission if she is not there. "I cannot fail my mission..." His voice is quiet. The voice in his head is telling him what he needs to do.__

" _ _She is part of my team. She must be with me to complete my mission. I must go back to get her," he says to himself. His heart is not racing so fast now, the pain in his face doesn't seem to be pulsing so much. He looks in the mirror so he can see his eyes and then he looks away again, he doesn't want to see.__

 _ _He turns the car in the road and drives back the way he came.__

 _ _When he finally sees her he breathes in deep. He had begun to think he had lost her and the feeling that had started to overcome him was panic. He tells himself that it is because he will not have fulfilled his mission, but deep down he knows it is more than that. The thought of her not being there is mind numbing.__

 _ _She is walking along the side of the road. Her nose has bled from where he hit her. She has tried to wipe the blood away using her sleeve. Her palms are dirty and scratched. One of the knees of her jeans is torn and her hair is coming undone, the bangs a mess. As he pulls the car in next to her she stops and he can see she has been crying.__

And you feel ashamed. You were not crying because he left you, but because you thought he wouldn't return for you. You did not know what to do. You have nothing with you - your emergency kit and gun are in the car, and you have no ID. You really are not made for this life but you have learnt a valuable lesson today.

The car stops and he gets out and comes around. Neither of you speaks. You get in the driver's side and he gets in the passengers. You want to help him, you want to treat his wounds...but you don't. You are here just to take him to his team. If he had life-threatening injuries it would be different.

When you pull up and Adam sees the state of you he asks what happened and you tell him nothing. You just shake your head. Both of you can already feel the heat from Zola's serum working on the Winter Soldier's injuries. You watch as the plane taxies around and you follow them onboard. This is your first time on an aeroplane but you feel no wonderment, you feel tired, sore and hopeless.

 _ _Hail bloody Hydra!__

 ** _ _...__**

It is late when the Winter Soldier gets back from the debriefing, but you have waited for him. He was a lot longer than normal and you know why. You ask him if he wants to eat but you know he won't; Zolnerowich has already told you he was saw the Winter Soldier in the canteen eating, sat away from everyone else. He does that sometimes. You don't know why.

His face already looks better but he does need to change. You suggest a shower; he looks at you and you blush under that cool gaze. What is going through his mind? What is he thinking? You have already showered and changed into your nightwear. You ache all over and feel tetchy.

"I tell you what," you mutter, tired and fractious. "You do whatever you want. It's up to you, I'm only here to pick up after you anyway."

You put your hand up as if to dismiss him and then go into the kitchen, fetch a glass of water and then you turn out the lights. Coming back into the main room you see he has taken up your suggestion and you can hear the water running in the bathroom.

You want to sleep but you are feeling annoyed, unloved, sorry for yourself and you know there is another sleepless night ahead of you. What are you supposed to do? Just lie there and wonder how many future nights are going to be like this? It's not as if you can get dressed and go for a walk, or read a book or listen to a radio; there is nothing for you to do and sometimes that inactivity drives you almost insane.

The bathroom door opens and he comes in, towel-drying his hair. You can smell the soap and shampoo that follow him into the room, and you cannot help but watch him as he walks around with ease, getting ready to turn in for the night. __For God's sake you're like a lovestruck teenager,__ you chide yourself, but it doesn't help. Instead you find yourself wanting to vie for his attention even though just a moment ago you promised yourself you would ignore him.

"We need to be in cryo by ten in the morning," you say something just so you can talk to him, just so he will look at you.

He does so, and now you blush. He is naked except for a pair of shorts but you can see his body is interested in you, even if he is denying it. But he just nods and turns away.

"Can I get you anything?" Even you can hear a desperation in your voice, your need for his company is so blatant.

He doesn't reply and you know he won't. What is the use? Instead you put your light out, turn and pull the covers up over your shoulder. You close your eyes and try to think of other things but then you feel the bed dip slightly and you turn quickly. He has sat down next to you. His light is still on and you can see his face, his eyes. The damaged skin looks so raw, painful. You find it difficult to sit up as he is sat on your bed clothes but you pull them loose from the other side.

"What is it? What's wrong?" you ask and he places his finger over your lips. Then he stands and pulls the bed clothes up and slips into the bed beside you. The bed is small and you wonder whether or not to suggest moving to his, but you don't want to break the silence.

He is looking at you, his eyes studying yours, roaming over your face. His hand touches your shoulder and as he pushes you down you do as he wants. He bends and kisses your lips, then your eyes, then your forehead and as he does he moves his body over yours and your stomach clenches. You have missed him, you have missed his touch. He holds himself up to look at you again and you stroke his undamaged cheek. He turns his head to kiss your hand and one by one you watch in fascination as he sucks your fingers. Your other hand moves to stroke his stomach and you feel him breathe in as it brushes his cock. Then you reach up and draw him down onto you.

You only have a few hours left together and you do not want to waste them. He hurt you earlier today, frightened you - and now? Now all you want to do is comfort him. You are really so very lost.


	56. Chapter 56 - December 1991

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Fifty-Six: The Winter Soldier & The Constant - December 1991****

 **The 14th December 1991**

 _ _They awaken him on the 14th__ __of December. He is groggy at first, and doesn't know where he is; but then he recognises the woman sat next to him and the panic dies away. His mind is a blank, they are experts at what they take away and what they leave behind, more refined.__

 _ _They leave him just the things he needs to function.__

 _ _That and the knowledge that he is to wait for orders.__

 _ _The doctors do their checks. The woman has left the room; he is trying to remember her name but he can't. She is important, but he doesn't know in what way. That feeling will only remain until his programming and then he will have no respect for her, no idea of her importance in his life.__

 _ _The checks are completed and he is led away for programming.__ _This session is intense, longer than it should be. When he comes out he is more uncoordinated than usual. They are concerned. Why, this time, had it taken longer to impress the victim's name on his mind?_

 _ _He is taken back to his quarters, and a six hour guard placed on the door. The woman is waiting for him and he tries to ignore her; she is unimportant, just there for his use, that is all. She feeds him and stays whilst he sleeps. She is tired herself, and when she knows he is definitely down for the night she crashes into her bed and is asleep in minutes.__

 _ _Half way through the night he cries out in his sleep, which is unusual for his first night. It does not awaken him but it does disturb her, and switching on a lamp she goes over to him. He is sweating heavily, fists clenched and she knows he is having a nightmare.__

 _ _She leans over and shakes his shoulder, knowing that if the dream is a deep one it will take a while to wake him, but he comes to straight away, taking hold of her hand and almost crushing it. He sees who it is and it sounds almost like a low growl coming from him.__

" _ _You were having a bad dream," she says. She is used to this, used to pain from him - but she still winces and tries to take her hand away.__

 _ _He looks at her and she recognises the sneer and it still hurts, after all these years. Still causes her pain.__

 _ _He lets go of her hand. Literally pushes it away from him. She tries to smile and stands up. "Would you like some water?"__

 _ _He nods, more to get her away from him than the fact he is thirsty.__

 _ _He listens as she gets one from the kitchenette and when she returns he is rubbing his eyes. They are itching like mad.__

" _ _I saw a flying car," he doesn't realise he has spoken out loud. She knows he will be disorientated. "A huge globe hung in the sky, and a flying car..."__

" _ _Just a dream," she passes him the water and for a second he looks at her as if he was James and her eyes widen, but just as quickly his eyes become hooded and the look of disgust is back.__

 _ _He takes the glass and drains it.__

" _ _Do you want me to leave the lamp on?" she asks, although it is never totally dark in their room.__

 _ _He doesn't reply, just turns his back and pulls the covers over his shoulders. She puts a hand out to touch him but hesitates. It is too soon. She goes back to her bed and switches off the lamp. She can hear that his breathing is regular; he is asleep again, and she soon follows.__

 **...**

 **The 15th December 1991**

You wake the next morning and prepare breakfast as he showers. When he comes into the kitchen you can smell the soap on him. His hair is wet and you would love to reach out and touch him but you know he will not allow it. Not yet.

Breakfast is quiet; he doesn't speak, just takes what you give him. Then half an hour later they come for him. There is a slight change in what is happening; they want to reinforce his programming. They have not told you this but you have seen it happen on rare occasions before. This will not leave a lot of time between training and sending him out on the mission. You know you will not see a lot of him this time. This means there will be no time for him to remember you, and the loss makes you ache inside.

The day goes slowly for you. You gather his clothes and anything they have said he will need. You have spoken to his team and know when he needs to leave; midday on the 16th. You are not required to function as an exit point so you will not be going with them but you know this already.

When he returns, he acts a lot like the day before but this time he is bleeding and impatient with you when you try to help. He is not over the extra programming yet and you are concerned for his health. Then they expect him for training; they need to check his skills before sending him out and when he comes back he is tired and grouchy. You can see he aches but he won't let you near him.

"What would I want from you, whore?" he snarls when you offer to help him.

He sleeps well that night.

 **...**

 **The 16th December 1991**

 _ _He knows he is ready for his mission.__

 _ _He knows his target.__

 _ _He knows where the assassination will take place.__

 _ _He knows his work is important.__

 _ _He knows it is to create order in this chaotic world, peace.__

 _ _He does not know they have lied to him.__

 _ _That they always lie to him.__

 _ _He is geared up. He has stowed his weapons in the car, and his team are ready.__

 _ _Just before they are due to leave though he gets a call to return to the main room. He does not know why but he complies, throwing his jacket into the car, tells the team he will be about an hour and then goes back into the building. From the main room, they lead him back into Programming.__

 _ _He will always follow orders.__

 _ _Jackson Caldwell has read the programming report and is concerned over the fact they had to reinforce this mission several times. He has ordered a barrage of tests in Programming which takes another hour. He wants to ensure the Winter Soldier knows his mission, knows what he must do.__

 _ _His team wait for him.__

If only Caldwell had left well enough alone, the mission would have been a success and only one person would have died, not two - but this is fate, and how fate works.

 _ _When The Winter Soldier hasn't reappeared after ninety minutes, Adam phones down to Programming.__

 _ _The confused technician on the other end alarms him. "But...he left us about 20 minutes ago."__

 **...**

You spent the morning filling in reports and gathering things together. When he returns on the 18th they will allow one day and then he is to go back into cryo, and you will follow 24 hours later.

When he left your room you told him to be careful. He did not say anything, just frowned at you. Then he was gone.

You go down to the cryo room to talk to them to make sure everything would be set up, you were tempted to watch him leave the base but you decided not to. Better this way.

You walk back to the lift and are surprised to see him waiting next to it. He seems to hear you and turns to face you. You notice his right eye is blood flecked, it wasn't like that earlier.

He turns away again, and you wait by his side until the lift arrives. You notice him rubbing the side of his temple and you know that can be a sign of migraine. "Are you all right?" you ask.

You are ignored, and so you continue to wait silently by his side for the lift.

 _ _His head is throbbing at the temple, as though there is a small hammer in there and it connects right through to the pain in his right eye. He doesn't hear the woman ask him if he is all right, he just wants to get going, he has his mission to fulfil and he is already late for the timetable set. They said they had moved it along an hour but even so, he__ must _ _fulfil his mission.__

The lift arrives and the two of you enter. He presses the button for the top floor without asking you where you are going. You were going just one floor up but instead you decide to go with him to the top because you feel uneasy. You do notice that he has at least stopped rubbing his temple.

You clear your throat as the lift ascends. "I thought you had already left."

He turns to look down at you and you wish you hadn't said anything. "What business is it of yours?" he snaps.

You look at him and wonder why you bothered. Your own head hurts, courtesy of cryo freeze and lack of decent air. You feel tetchy. "You're right. Why should I want to know? Why should I care what happens to you?" you ask sarcastically.

"What?" he says.

"Nothing."

You turn away and look at the doors ahead of you annoyed. This is supposed to be such an advanced base and the lift can't even get you to the surface without taking forever.

 _ _He looks at her, annoyed at her tone - not realising he is mirroring her own emotions. He is tempted to slap her but he keeps his arms down by his side and looks at the doors instead. There is silence, something he can deal with with no problem.__

 _ _But she can't, she hates silence between them.__

From somewhere outside the lift there comes a grinding and wrenching noise and before you know what is happening the lift seems to jump, knocking you off balance and straight into the Winter Soldier. He growls and throws you back onto your feet. He is about to say something when there is another metallic groan and the lift jumps again and comes to a halt.

You go to press a button but he gets there first and slams his fist onto the panel.

"Break it why don't you," you say under your breath. He turns to face you but as he does so, the lift suddenly drops a foot and he is thrown into you. You both end up flattened against the back wall.

"What the hell did you do?" you say loudly as the lift settles.

He turns to look at you again. "I didn't do anything." He looks you up and down.

 _ _Bloody woman, he thinks.__

He goes to touch the panel again but his hand stops just short of the button as he hears a loud pinging noise. You hear it too and hold your breath when it is followed by several more. You both look up. The lift creaks and then there is a loud snapping and sounds of something whipping through the air above your head.

The lift plummets, knocking you both down onto the floor, winding you. It then comes to such a sudden halt that it flings you back against the wall again. The floor is at a slight angle beneath you.

You watch as he struggles to his feet, your eyes wide and frightened. You know that the lift has dropped quite a way down.

As he moves, the lift shifts too.

"Stop, don't move!" you say.

He doesn't listen to you, just carries on. The lift shifts again. He has both arms held out for counter balance and he moves to the control panel. You hear an ominous creaking overhead and the lights flicker off and on again. There is a smell of burning electrics.

You watch as he pushes the buttons one by one, but nothing happens. You struggle to get up but a sharp pain in your left ankle forces you to the floor again. You swear softly, bringing it close to you and moving your jeans leg up and your sock down you see a nasty bruise coming up. You don't think it is broken but it could be a fracture, just your luck.

"Try the phone," you say.

"Of course I'm going to try the phone," he snaps without turning to look in your direction. He is already opening the panel which houses an emergency phone for situations like this.

"It's dead...the whole panel is dead." There is no panic in his tone. He turns and looks around the lift, then up at the ceiling.

You are in a freight elevator, used for both passengers and equipment. It is oblong, about eleven foot by nine foot; basic steel panelling with a service hatch in the top. There are lights at the back and on each side, these at present are flickering and you pray they do not go out just as one fizzles out, followed by another one. Two remain on.

You watch as he dismantles the control panel and then the telephone, the wiring behind is completely burnt out.

Next, he stands in front of the doors feeling the gap in the middle where they meet. Taking a deep breath, he starts to pull them apart. The whole lift creaks but the doors open about two feet onto solid cement. You are stuck between floors.

"So we're trapped..." you say needlessly. You just need to speak. He looks at you. "Together..." your sense of humour always comes out at the wrong moment, you just can't help yourself.

He doesn't reply.

"Looks like you might have to talk to me now, doesn't it?" you say this because despite your circumstances, you're still rankling from earlier.

"Great. Trapped with a talkative whore," he mutters and turns away from you.

"What!?" you exclaim.

He ignores you again.

 _ _The only option then is to climb out, he thinks to himself. He looks back at the ceiling, which is over four foot above him. The woman is quiet now but he hasn't forgotten she is there. He looks around the lift again. There is nothing to help him climb up to the top.__

" _ _Hopefully someone has realised what's happened," she says, and he notices she is still on the floor.__

 _ _He still ignores her words, looking at the ceiling. He then starts to sound out the metal on the sides. He still has his knives on him, so he could...__

" _ _Did you hear me or have I suddenly turned invisible again?" the woman asks.__

" _ _What?"__

" _ _I said..."__

" _ _I heard what you said."__

" _ _Then why didn't you answer me?"__

 _ _He doesn't realise she needs him to tell her everything will be all right. He looks away and at the walls, running his fingers over them and then knocking on them.__

" _ _Why are you knocking? Are you hoping someone will hear you? If so you'll need to knock louder," she says.__

 _ _He takes her seriously, but she was joking.__

" _ _Why don't you just shut up?" he suggests.__

" _ _I'm just trying to help, you know, lighten the..."__

" _ _When I need help from a whore, I'll be sure to ask you," he looks back at the wall.__

 _ _She struggles to stand up. He isn't watching her so doesn't notice the look of pain in her eyes.__

" _ _Don't call me that again." He hears the anger in her voice and turns to face her. She is looking at him, holding herself against the back wall.__

" _ _You are what you are..." he says with a shrug.__

 _ _He can see her hands are clenched now and for a moment he thinks she is going to hit him. He grins.__

" _ _...which is, a whore", he finishes.__

" _ _I am not a whore!" she says through gritted teeth. She is so angry that he can see it in her eyes and the way she is holding herself.__

 _ _He goes to turn away but she reaches out and puts her hand on his arm. He looks down at it and then at her. He is about to say something when she interrupts him.__

" _ _Lets get one thing straight: I am__ not _ _a whore, I'm...I'm..." she can't finish and he can see she is struggling.__

 _ _He feels little for her. It doesn't matter to him who or what she is, and she knows it.__

 _ _She grips his arm tighter and limps closer.__

" _ _If you have to call me something, then my name is Freya, you call me that and nothing else. Understand?" He shakes her hand of his arm but she doesn't back off. "Understand?"__

 _ _He shrugs.__

 _ _Only then does she back away, and he notices for the first time she is favouring her ankle but it is of no importance. He needs to get out of here, he needs to complete his mission.__

You watch as he takes out his knife and then, using his metal fist, he runs his hand over a spot in the steel wall and then pulls his fist back and hits it hard. The lift rocks a bit and the metal collapses inwards and he then uses the knife to fashion a foothold. He does this up the wall as far as he can go and then starts to climb using them.

You hobble up so you are stood under him but he doesn't say a word to you just continues to make the footholds until he can reach the service roof.

Just before he hits upwards, you call out.

"Wait!"

He looks back down at you. You know you can't climb with your damaged ankle. And he knows it too.

You bite your lip. You don't want him to leave but you know he has to.

"You won't..." your voice dries up and you clear your throat. "You won't forget to tell them I'm still in here, will you?"

He frowns at you.

" _ _Why would I forget to tell them?" he asks.__

 _ _She tries to smile. "Because I'm not worth anything to you," she says, and for the first time it disturbs him.__

 _ _He studies her. She is sweating lightly and he looks back at the ceiling hatch. He pushes on the hatch and it swings upwards and opens showing the cavernous shaft they are trapped in. Because the lift has stopped between floors, there is nothing but solid granite walls around them.__

 _ _He looks back at her.__

" _ _Sit down and I'll send someone to help you."__

 _ _She is biting her lip again. She looks at him and then nods and limps back over to the floor and sits down in the corner.__

 _ _He can see she doesn't know whether to believe him or not.__

 _ _He hoists himself up, feeling the lift shift slightly under him. When he is on the top he looks back down inside. She is sat in the corner, hugging herself.__

 _ _He looks up and sees a couple of cables he could use to climb until he can reach an exit.__

 _ _He kneels back on the top and goes to say something to her but then he stops. An image of her huddled in a different corner comes to his mind: a flashback. A sickening feeling comes over him. He closes his eyes for a second.__

 _ _He looks down at her. "Freya," he says quietly.__

 _ _She looks up.__

 _"_ _ _I will send help." That is all he says, but he can see that she believes him this time and it makes him feel better. He doesn't understand why.__

 _ _Then his mission details swim back to the front of his mind.__

 _ _He makes the mistake of straightening up too quickly and the lift rocks suddenly to one side as one of the cables snaps. The lift plummets down another five feet. He reaches up without thinking and grasps the first thing to hand.__

And you hear him cry out.

An awful sizzling noise follows and the whole lift seems to crackle and hiss.

Then, silence.

Getting up, you call out but there is no reply.

You limp to the hatch to look up but before you can quite get there, there is a loud thud and the Winter Soldier tumbles back through it. The lift rocks and you hear another cable snap above, but your attention is on him and only him.

"Oh no...no...please no..." you cry.

He is lying on his front. You crouch down and turn him over; he is a dead weight and you can smell an awful scent of burning metal and flesh. Smoke drifts up from his clothes and his metal arm is so hot it will burn you if you touch it.

The left side of his neck and chin is burnt. He has on a tee shirt and combat trousers, and they are smouldering. There is a nasty burn on his chest and part of his right arm. Part of the material of his trousers on the left leg has been burnt through and you can almost still hear the sizzling of his flesh.

"No...no...no!" You can't see him breathing. You use the hole in the tee shirt to tear the material and you put your ear to his chest.

Nothing.

You are a nurse, and you are on automatic pilot. You open his mouth, making sure it is clear, and then pinch his nose. You take a deep breath and breathe into his mouth leaving one hand on his chest, you do this several times, then move and put both hands over his chest and push down.

No change.

You repeat it, then you repeat it all over again. This time when you push down on his chest you hit really hard and finally he seems to take a deep breath and is then coughing and trying to breathe on his own. He murmurs something and although he keeps breathing, he remains unconscious.

He is breathing though, and that is the first step.

You look at the burns caused by the electrocution. There is nothing you can do at the moment for those but then you look at his metal arm, cooling and lying by his side. It is dead but for a blue glow deep within. You use the bottom of your shirt to move it so you can see the hand. It is melted, twisted, and blackened. Some of the top rings of metal on the arm are melted into the next layer down and you can smell fried circuitry. You gingerly tear away his tee shirt so you can see the entire arm and what you see frightens you. The blue glow isn't just contained in the deep recesses of the arm now, there are lines of it running out from his shoulder into his flesh towards his chest. If those lines reach his heart you do not know what will happen. You have never known what the source of power is and you don't understand the circuity at all.

You look back up at the hatch and at first you cannot see anything but then something sparks and you see a thick electric cable swinging to and fro, sparks jumping from the ragged end of it. The cable is hanging directly above the hatch and there is no way anyone could make their way past it.

Surely by now someone must have realised what has happened, heard the noise of the lift falling?

You look back down at the Winter Soldier. You have to remain calm, you mustn't lose it otherwise you are of no use to him.

You have nothing of help with you, no water, no dressings. You try to think frantically what you need to do. There is a strong chance that each burn you can see is a entry wound and will have an exit wound, you need to see how many burns there are and how bad they are.

You tear the remaining tee shirt away and the pant leg where the lower burn is. The back of his leg has a larger burn and on his body the burn on his chest has no exit point. This is not good; it means there will be more damage inside. You know that Zola's serum will start its work immediately, and with the Winter Soldier's body holding so much heat it will give it a head start.

Before you can do any more you hear a clang from above, followed by several more and a rope comes falling through the hatch. It makes you jump but it is tied to a sealed tube.

Someone knows you are trapped thank God.

You grab the tube and open it. Inside is a piece of paper with writing and a pen.

 _ _'Please advise us of your position. Are you injured? Report. Pull twice on the rope when reply ready.'__

You hastily scribble a reply to say there are two of you, that the Winter Soldier is down, electrocuted, his arm is disabled. He is unconscious but breathing. The power source in his arm is leaking into his body, you need advice. There is a live electrical cable hanging just outside the hatch preventing any escape.

You then put it back in the tube seal it and pull twice. A few seconds elapse and then the rope is pulled back up.

It seems an eternity until the next message reaches you.

 _ _'Freya is that you? We understand. Working on getting you out. Maybe some time. Working on shutting down cable. Do you need anything for WS? Getting advice on power source. Will get a walkie-talkie down to you.'__

You confirm it is you, __nice to know they realised I was missing as well__ , you think sarcastically. You ask for sterile bandages for burns, pain killers and water to drink.

Whilst you wait for the next reply you sit next to the Winter Soldier. After a while, you see him try to raise his right hand and his legs move.

"Whoa, don't try to move! Just lie still for a moment." You gently lay your hand on his shoulder. He stops trying to move and opens his eyes.

 _ _And all he can see is a blurry image of someone above him, but he recognises her voice. He knows he is hurt and he is trying to assess the damage. He cannot feel his left arm at all but deep in the left shoulder is a burning sensation, severe pain. His chest hurts and his head is splitting; the left side of his neck feels like acid has been poured over it.__

 _ _He tries to blink, to clear his eyes, and things swim into view. She is knelt next to him, her eyes wide.__

" _ _Help is coming but it may be a while, you need to try and stay still," she is speaking, but he feels as if he is under water and his ears are blocked.__

" _ _My mission..." his voice is harsh, he has spoken loudly and tries again to sit up but his body hurts all over and he feels nauseous. He tries to feel the left side of his face, but she stays his hand.__

" _ _What happened?" he asks as she folds up what is left of his tee shirt and puts it under his head.__

" _ _We are in the lift at the facility and it's no longer working. It fell and has jammed between floors. You were electrocuted when you tried to climb out."__

 _ _In his mind he sees himself about to fall, reaching out for something. He grasped a cable and then a tremendous pain then nothing. Again he tries to get up, and again she tries to hold him down.__

" _ _You're injured. You shouldn't move, your team know you're down here and we have to wait for help."__

" _ _My mission..." he growls, and this time pushes her away and goes to stand. He cannot use his left arm as it is totally dead. He uses his right hand and arm to push himself up.__

 _ _The decision of what to do next is taken away from him as he crashes back down to his knees. He clutches his chest: he doesn't know what hurts the most, his head or his body. He feels her hands on him but before he can say anything he vomits all over the floor.__

You shuffle up next to him. You can see the pain he is in; it is written all over his face and the way his hand is clutching his chest.

" _ _My legs. I can't feel my legs," he allows her to lay him back down. She wipes away the mess on his face and pulls him away from where he has been sick. It is no mean feat for a woman her size against his dead weight and it takes her a while.__

 _ _She sits for a moment with her eyes closed. Her skin is grey and for the first time he realises she may be hurt but before he can ask her she opens her eyes and leans over, looking straight into his eyes.__

" _ _Listen to me. You are hurt badly, you were electrocuted, your arm is down and the power source is leaking into your body, you have burns and the numbness in your legs is probably to do with the jolt of electricity you took. You stopped breathing." She makes sure he is taking in what she is saying. "They are sending help but I don't know how long it will take. You need urgent medical attention. You need to stay still. You need to trust me on this." He goes to speak, but she interrupts him. "And don't say you can't take orders from a whore. I'm a fully trained nurse and I know what I'm talking about."__

" _ _I was going to ask if you had any water..." he says quietly, and she blushes.__

" _ _Oh...sorry...um, no I don't have any. They're sending some down." She looks away, embarrassed.__

" _ _I didn't know you were a nurse."__

 _ _She looks back at him and tries to smile. "There's a lot about me you don't remember yet."__

There is a clunking noise of something hitting the metal overhead and you scramble up onto your feet.

They have sent down a bucket but it has caught up on the lip. You look up trying to see what you can do but your ankle reminds you it is injured. "Goddamn it!"

You see movement out of the corner of your eye and turn as the Winter Soldier tries again to get up.

"No don't! Stop!"

"My mission..." the confusion is back in his eyes, his programming is trying to break through.

"Sod the mission." You kneel back down, fighting him. "Will you just listen to me?!" you shout. He is pale, grey his eyes are full of pain.

"My mission..." he says weakly, lying back down. You can see his chest, the blue tentacles are extending causing a blue glow under the skin.

"Your mission is cancelled, do you understand? Listen to me..."

But he is murmuring under his breath, "...my mission, my mission, I have to..."

He looks so broken. You smooth his hair back from his face, taking care with the left side. Then you place your hand next to his temple and speak softly.

"Listen to me. It's important. Your mission has been cancelled, you are hurt, you need to reserve your strength. Please listen to what I am telling you."

There is another thunk. They have realised you do not have the supplies and they are trying to get them to you again and this time the rope and bucket come through. The bucket hits the floor and things tumble out, a walkie talkie with a voice asking if you are there, medication, bandages, and, thankfully, water.

You pick up the walkie talkie. Thank God you know how to work one. The static is bad but they ask you about the condition of the Winter Soldier and you tell them it is serious.

In the bucket are not just pain killers but a liquid you need to get him to take which should keep the power source at bay. You tell them you understand, but that you need to speak to Adam and he comes on.

"We are doing all we can. The top of the shaft up here has collapsed so we can't send anyone down but we're working on it."

"I understand. He is awake but only just. I need you to code him," you say.

To code the Winter Soldier is to stand him down from a mission, and until that is done he will not stop. There are only two people who are able to do this: one is his handler, Jackson Caldwell, and the other is Adam Morton. The code is different each time, and you are never told what it is.

There is a moment's silence. Adam knows what you are telling him; there is no way that even when they get you out the Winter Soldier is going to be able to complete the mission.

"All right. Put him on."

You shuffle over to the Winter Soldier who is still murmuring under his breath. You hold his head and make him look at you.

"Look at me. You need to listen carefully, there is a call for you and you need to pay attention to it, it is part of your mission, look at me..." You hold up the walkie talkie and recognition comes into his face. He is burning up, though, sweat running down his face. You need to get some water into him quickly. "Okay," you say.

You hold the walkie talkie to him. He is looking at you and you see him swallow. He is trying to organise his thoughts.

You hear Adam's voice. When he starts to talk you see the Winter Soldiers eyes become hooded. It is an eerie sight, disturbing. "Soldier, you need to stand down. The code is __World Fair.__ I repeat, you need to stand down, the code is __World Fair.__..you need to tell me you have understood and you are standing down."

The Winter Soldier's voice is cracked when he replies.

"Understood, standing down." You see his body relax, the tension holding him together drains out of him. He is like an automaton that has been switched off, you have never seen it happen before and you feel a chill.

"Freya?" the box squawks. It is your turn to swallow and you bring the walkie talkie to your mouth. "Yes."

"We will get you out of there. We have an idea. You need to keep him going, you need to keep him focused."

You nod as if he can see you. The box goes off.

Liquid. You need to get this liquid into him. Can you give him water as well or will that dilute it? You don't know. You look helplessly at the bottle, he needs both things.

You sit next to him. He is still conscious but only just, sweat covering his whole body.

"Can you hear me? You need to drink this." He opens his eyes and looks at you, you can see they are clouded and he is struggling to understand you. "Right," you say and you put your arm under him and with all your strength push him so he is almost sat up. You shuffle behind and do your best to pull him over to the corner, almost trapping yourself behind him.

Once he is against the wall you fetch the bottle of water and the liquid.

His eyes are closing again and you shake his shoulder.

"Oh no you don't Soldier, you need to take this..." he lifts his hand but you are not sure if it is to swat you away or help you, his lack of strength and co-ordination is worrying. You give him a small amount of water, enough to help him swallow the medicine.

You don't know how you get it down him but you do. Well, most of it - some has spilt down onto his chest and you wipe this away. You try again and get most of what is left into him, he splutters but you don't let him spit it out.

"Swallow. You need to __swallow.__ " And he does. The smell of the stuff is disgusting; God knows what it tastes like.

You give him some more water but by the time you have finished he is wheezing. Your heart drops to your stomach.

"Don't stop breathing, don't stop..." you murmur as you try your best to reposition him to help unblock his airways. This seems to help.

The burns are taking on a nasty tinge and you need to cover them as best you can but first he asks for more water and so you encourage him to drink. He only takes a little but it is better than nothing.

At the end of half an hour you are exhausted, your foot is aching and so is your head. You take some pain killers and bandage your ankle. You sit next to the Winter Soldier. He is awake but doesn't really know where he is. He has no strength and you pray the liquid they sent has stopped the power source leaking any further.

There is a cold wind coming down the shaft and into the lift and it is helping keep you both cool. You close your eyes. You wanted to spend more time with him but not like this and you pray for the first time in a long time.

"Please help us. Please. Someone."

A voice on the walkie talkie checks in with you every quarter of an hour, but it is another four hours before they tell you what it is they plan to do. They do not tell you though that your chance of survival will be much lower than the Winter Soldier's.

Nobody can get down to the lift and it cannot be moved up so the lift itself has to go down. They give you just the basics. You are 80 feet away from the bottom of the shaft and a doorway.

They are sending down two large magnetic clamps which should give them some way of controlling the rate of descent. When the clamps are in place they are going to cut the remaining lines and let the lift fall. They should be able to guide it using the lines attached to the clamps.

Then they ask you a stupid question. "Is there anything you can secure the Winter Soldier with? You know, put around him to protect him whilst we do it?"

You look at the walkie talkie.

"Of all the stupid...what makes you think there is anything like that in a lift?" you ask in disbelief.

The walkie talkie is quiet for a moment and then Adam comes back on.

"Freya, just do what you can," his voice is apologetic, sympathetic.

You look around, the lift is a mess and stinks of vomit and sweat.

There is nothing you can use.

 **...**

 _ _Twenty minutes later, they cut the remaining cables and the__ __lift creaks ominously as it is now being__ __held by just the two magnetic clamps attached to thick wire ending on the back of a truck.__

 _ _This works for the first fifty feet until one of the cables attached to a clamp breaks under the strain, and is followed by the other. The lift falls the remaining thirty feet.__

 _ _When the doors are finally opened they find them both unconscious. The Winter Soldier is laying on his left side, curled and facing against the back wall of the lift and Freya is curled around him. She has one arm around his neck so his head is pillowed on her shoulder and her other arm is around his waist. Her body is stretched out along his spine, her legs intertwined with his. Using her body was the the only protection she could give him.__

 **...**

 **The 18th December 1991**

It is early evening, two days since the Winter Soldier was injured. Caldwell reads the report, and is angry. He has already heard the news but he wanted to read the documentation for himself.

 _ _Goddamn it.__ He slams the paperwork down and goes to stand at the window.

They had to call in someone else to do the mission.

Kill one man. That is all they had to do. __Just one man__. The Winter Soldier could have done it standing on his head.

But they missed the shot. They had the chance and they missed. The target was totally unaware how close to death he was. Didn't even know someone had shot at him.

So what did they do?

They followed him, then ran his car off the road instead. Great, job done? No - they killed both him __and__ his wife and the story is splattered all over the news - especially on Long Island, the scene of their death.

Great. Proof though that an assassin of the Winter Soldier's calibre is needed.

He goes back to his desk and shreds the report, lifts up his jacket and puts it on. A double funeral that he will have to attend. It was only supposed to be Howard that died. Damn it, he liked Maria and of course she would have been easier to manipulate but it now means in the future he will be dealing with their brat of a son, Tony.

 _ _Goddamn it!__


	57. Chapter 57 - Double Bluff

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Fifty-Seven: The Winter Soldier - Double Bluff****

In a quiet, undisturbed part of Spain stands a huge villa. It is over two hundred years old and immense where it has been added to over the centuries. It stands in its own grounds, surrounded by a huge high wall and has its own compliment of guards with dogs on patrol. This is just one of many properties owned by Reuben Kendrick, a Scottish millionaire several times over.

He believes money can buy him everything – even a way out of the wheelchair he is confined to.

He is eating a quiet leisurely breakfast at one of his estates in Scotland when a report of an intruder at the Villa is given to him. He tells his men to interrogate the man, to discover what it is he is after. It is unfortunate they have not given him all the details; it will be another four hours before he learns who it is his men have captured. And another hour and a half before his helicopter can get him there.

By then, it is almost too late.

 **...**

The Winter Soldier is running through the Villa garden. It is huge and circles the property. He has tripped the Villa's defences. Up ahead he can see guards running towards him, can hear the dogs barking. They are shouting at him, weapons drawn, yelling at him to stop, to cease and desist, to surrender.

He looks behind him. Just as many guards are coming up to him from that direction and from the side. He is totally outnumbered. Even so this would not normally stop him but it does this time and he comes to a halt. He stands waiting for them to get closer and sensing a trap they do so cautiously.

Two of the men use their rifle butts to hit the back of his legs so that he goes down on to his knees. They yell at him to put his hands up and he does. They remove his gun, it is the only one he has, that and a knife in his belt which they also take.

He has completed the first part of his mission. He has allowed them to capture him.

 **...**

" _ _You cannot fight back. You will do nothing to defend yourself."__

That command is utmost in the Winter Soldier's mind as the man once again punches him across the jaw, sending blood splattering the floor in a fine spray. They have him tied to a chair. They do not realise yet what they have. The man striking him is trying to find out why this man invaded the grounds, why he had a gun, what has he come here for?

The interrogator is out of his depths. He is not even trained; he is just one of many mercenary's hired to protect the property, he is only interested in money. Mean, cruel. He likes to interrogate and has no finesse about him. He has made up his own mind that this is a simple burglary and he will make the would-be thief pay. They are underneath the Villa, in part of what was once an underground wine cellar but is beginning to become so much more.

"Strip him," he tells the other two. They undo the ropes tying the man and pull him to his feet. Blood dribbles from his broken nose. He also has a fractured eye socket. The men first strip the gloves from his hands and then roughly take off his jacket, and that is when they see it.

One of the intruder's arms is metal, emblazoned on the bicep with a red star. They have never seen anything like it before.

"Well, what have we here?" The man in charge of the interrogation does not know, does not realise how valuable a prize they have captured. He has never been told about the ' _ _famous__ ' soldier with the metal arm. He has no idea that his employer would want him to stop right now.

They remove his tee-shirt and push him backwards onto the chair again. He has not said a word, not once looked at them. Once again they tie his arms to the back of the chair. His face and stomach are bruised from the previous battering, and now the man in charge is feeling around at the top of the metal arm, at the plates.

"Lets see if we can't make you talk," he says, taking up a large bladed knife and slowly but firmly wriggling the blade under one of the metal plates which is attached to the skin at the top of the intruder's arm.

Blood begins to dribble from the broken skin and he slips the blade all the way under the plate and then starts to lever the metal away. His colleagues watch in fascination as the plate comes loose and tumbles to the floor, showing the bare flesh and muscle under it. There is now a light sheen of sweat on the Winter Soldier's face. The interrogator grins at him. It must have hurt like hell but he is impressed that his prisoner has not uttered a word.

"You're going to have to talk to us sooner or later..." he says. "...Or else, we are going to take you apart, bit by bit..." He levers off another small plate and watches as blood trickles down the man's chest from the wounds he is inflicting.

He begins on the next one and follows with two more and the top of the soldier's left shoulder is laid bare. By now he is sweating heavily as the pain starts to burn, but the men are growing more fascinated by what they find. They can see a small sliver of what looks like circuitry and cable. The soldier shifts in his seat.

" _ _Do not fight back. No matter what they do." But it is doubtful that Jackson Caldwell knew what the men were going to do this to his prize asset.__

The man has told the others to hold the Soldier steady, even though he is still tied. He dries the blade once more and then inserts the very tip into the small hole he can see. Then slowly he pushes it down; as it hits something he wiggles the blade until it can find another path, until the whole blade is almost hilt deep in the top of the soldier's arm. They can see the pain they are inflicting by the tenseness in the soldier's muscles, by the way he grits his teeth and closes his eyes, but still he has not uttered one word.

Not until the man uses the blade to try and lever the metal arm away from the shoulder, not until they hear the muscles tearing. The man using the blade grunts as he uses his strength to move the arm away and even then he only makes the hole an inch wider before the blade snaps. The soldier is now breathing heavily through his broken nose and cannot help but groan through gritted teeth as he feels his arm being prised apart.

The interrogator now moves around to the front, blood from the soldier's wounds has splattered the concrete floor and he can see the intruder is in a great deal of pain, but this will not stop him. He will enjoy breaking this man.

"I think we need to move this up a pace. Lets see if we can't make you more comfortable," he says, grinning and nodding to his cohorts who untie the Winter Soldier and pull him up.

" _ _You cannot fight back. You must put up no defence," the commands echo in his mind.__

They lead him over to a different part of the cellar. He watches as they push against a rack of wine, revealing a secret door. He is taken down a corridor to another smaller room. This one has seen other interrogations; he can see by the dried blood, by the dirty implements scattered on a bench along the back wall.

They push him over to a long medical table with straps, and for a split second his programming nearly breaks. A __deja vu__ feeling interrupts his thoughts, making him draw back slightly. He could still save himself but he closes his eyes for a brief second, grits his teeth, and instead allows them to strap him down.

The man heads over to the implements. The "tools of the trade", he calls them and laughs. And they are tools: chisels, screwdrivers, a soldering iron, drills and other such tools, all ideal for making people talk if used in the wrong way. The Winter Soldier hears rather than sees the man start up a power drill, but the man soon shows him what he is holding.

"Now lets see exactly what we have shall we?" he says.

" _ _Don't take my arm!" the words echo through the Winter Soldier's mind and he wants to scream them out, wants to stop the man from what he is doing, but his programming is rooted too deep. He must not fight back. He is not allowed to.__

 _ _He can feel the damage being done to his arm; the circuity will no longer work properly, the plates will not close when he flexes his arm, but even now, when he could still cut each man down he does not fight. Oil from the arm is leaking out, running down to mix with his blood.__

 _ _Instead he lets them continue. He obeys his orders, his programming. It is costing him dearly.__

An hour later, they have to finally resort to using a crow bar to prise more plates and open up the arm to see the circuitry. The leads and wires are now in part beginning to trail away from the soldier's body. They have also used the tools on other parts of his body, but still they have been unable to get him to say why he is there. Why he has broken into the Villa. They have checked the rest of his body to see if there are any more metal parts but they are disappointed to discover that the arm is the major part. There is steel plating in his left knee from what appears to be an old accident, but that is all it appears to be.

Blood runs from the surface of the table onto the floor and there are bloody footprints around the table where some of the other guards have come in to see what they have just heard rumours about.

Only one of the guards realises the importance. That guard leaves and goes upstairs to report what he has just seen and immediately the report goes out to Reuben Kendrick, who is in hiding at one of his properties in Scotland.

The soldier lies there, and they can see such pain etched into his face. His right arm and legs are tied to the table but his left arm is a mess. His shoulder is laid bare; muscle soaking in the blood, skin torn and flaps of skin left to dry out. The arm is still attached to the main bone, but only barely. They have created a gap of four inches between the metal circuitry and the flesh that housed it and still they are probing it; still pulling at wires, at veins. They have forgotten why they are there, why he is there. They have damaged part of the bone by drilling holes into it. This interrogator likes his electric power tools: he has used them to great effect in the past, he has always got his man (and, on one occasion, his woman) to talk.

The arm is dead.

When they first began the exploration it fascinated them that they could see the metal rings move up and down but now nothing moves at all. There is no power. The only movement comes from the shuddering of the soldier's body. They are pushing a screwdriver blade deep into the socket when the door is slammed open and Reuben Kendrick is wheeled in.

He cannot believe what he is seeing. He cannot believe what the guard had reported.

His men, his mercenaries have the Winter Soldier. They have the technology he has been after for so long, and they have pulled both apart like excited school children with a new toy. In their defence, these men did not know; he should have told him what it was he had been searching for in all this time - if he had they would have contacted him the minute they saw the arm but he did not.

"Get them out of here!" he shouts at the men coming in behind him, and they swarm in around the mercenaries, forcing them away from the broken soldier, pushing them out of the door. Two of the new guards stand in the doorway, rifles held across their chests but as they look at the poor sod on the table, they genuinely believe that he can cause them no problems. He is barely conscious.

It is their biggest mistake.

The man in the wheelchair also believes the soldier on the table is ruined. The technology is dead, so he cannot fight back.

"Untie him, for God's sake, I want to see what they've done! The stupid __fools__!" Reuben is angry. The other two guards in the room begin to release the straps, their own hands becoming slick with blood.

 _ _The second part of the Winter Soldier's mission comes to the front of his mind. He recognises the man who has come into the room, the man who is even now rolling towards him in the wheelchair.__

 _ _His whole body is on fire, his left arm completely dead and his strength depleted but as he sees the man he knows this is his mission.__

 _ _This is the man he needs to kill.__

"Help me please," he says weakly.

The man is next to him, looking at the arm, turning the blood slick metal. He is talking to the man next to him. "I'm surrounded by idiots! What the bloody hell did they think they were doing? Do you know how many years of engineering went into this?"

His attention is then pulled away as he searches through the bits of metal "Where's the power source?" He is fractious. He is turning the metal around, looking for the telltale blue light but Caldwell is not that stupid and before the Winter Soldier was sent out the blue power source was removed and replaced by a much weaker source that was just able to keep the arm mobile.

"Help me, please..." The Winter Soldier groans again. His face is pale, and he is sweating, black shadows under his eyes which are full of pain. His face is swollen from the beatings, ribs broken, fingers dislocated. He needs the man to come just a bit closer.

"Put him out of his misery!" Kendrick snaps.

One of the guards takes out a hand gun and steps up to place it next to the temple of the injured soldier. They will shoot him and take the arm.

They do not know how it happens. They do not understand how this broken soldier can come back from his injuries but he does.

Using his right hand, he grabs the gun, turns it on the guard and fires. He comes up from the table, his left arm hanging from his body but the rest of him fully able to protect himself. Within seconds, there is only him and the man in the wheelchair left.

The Winter Soldier's left arm is causing him too many problems, making him lean to the side. He has no option but to reach over and pull hard, detaching the few remaining wires and veins so that the arm falls away. The Winter Soldier walks forward as the man backs up.

He does not have much strength left but his mission is to kill this man and he will. Kendrick tries to reason with him, tries to bargain, offers him money but it does not stop the soldier from reaching out with his right hand and squeezing the man's throat until he is dead.

The Winter Soldier turns. His eye sight is blurred, his ears are humming; he feels nauseous, the pain in his left side unbelievable and he is bleeding out. He can hear gunfire from outside but he cannot get to the door and slowly he goes down onto his knees and then falls onto his side unconscious.

He has fulfilled his mission and he can now sleep. That is how Adam finds him.

The room is like a a torture chamber. They did not think this would happen. The idea was to get the Winter Soldier captured and for Kendrick to send for him once he heard of the metal arm. They did not even consider that someone would try to remove it, that someone would torture him by slowly taking him apart.

 **...**

 **One Week Earlier**

Jackson Caldwell cannot believe what he is hearing. He argues with fellow Hydra members seated around the table.

"Do you know how valuable he is?" Jackson is saying, but he knows they are not listening. They have already made up their minds.

"If he is as good as you say, then it will be no problem for him!" they insist.

"Yes, but to make him...bait? With no back up? If we lose the Winter Soldier then we lose his expertise. He is an assassin..."

"...Of the highest calibre. Yes, we know, and we are sending him in to assassinate!"

"Yes, but..." Jackson cannot get them to understand and knows he has lost the battle before it even started. It is just one he cannot win; these people are the most powerful people in Hydra, one of them is his own father. These are the men who run Hydra. They are in the positions that he one day hopes to __inherit__. He needs to keep them on his side, and so reluctantly he gives in.

Hydra have finally uncovered the identity of the man who is running the organisation that has been a pain in Hydra's side for the last five years. His name is Reuben Kendrick, a millionaire Scotsman who ten years ago, due to his own stupidity, was paralysed in a racing accident. According to their sources, Kendrick believes the way out of his wheelchair is technology. Specifically, Hydra technology.

The man is surrounded by soldiers, ruthless mercenaries. But his empire is mismatched, and that is where the difference lies between his organisation and Hydra. Hydra personnel believe in what Hydra is doing; most of them are there by choice. But Kendrick's organisation have __hired__ their people, they are there for the money. They are thugs, ex-cons, mercenaries; their only allegiance to Reuben Kendrick is his money.

Hydra is sending the Winter Soldier in to take him down. At the same time they will move in on his companies, organisations, and property. They will topple them, they will destroy everything the man owns one way or another.

The plan is simple. They cannot get close to Kendrick. They can never track exactly where he is. But they have found out what he wants - the technology and power source in the Winter Soldier's arm.

They will have the Winter Soldier infiltrate one of Kendrick's properties and allow himself to be captured. They will use him as bait to draw Kendrick out. When Kendrick hears the Winter Soldier has been captured, then they believe he will have the Winter Soldier taken to wherever it is that Kendrick is based. Adam Morton and his team will follow. The Winter Soldier will be programmed to kill Kendrick and escape.

What could possibly go wrong?

 **...**

 **The Mission**

Everything.

Everything that could possibly go wrong with the mission had done so. By the time the team locate the Winter Soldier, he is badly wounded and Adam cannot stomach what has been done to him. But the Winter Soldier still completed his mission; he killed Reuben Kendrick. The man lay dead on the floor next to his wheelchair. The Hydra clean up squad will do the rest. Their rival organisation is finished, having failed to achieve their goal.

Hydra can now return to its main mission. They have ruled out the opposition, and they can now rule the world.

But what about their Soldier? What of him?

 **...**

You are sat by the Winter Soldier's bedside. He is in a chemically-induced coma. He lies there, pale, his skin grey, his face stubbled and bruised. His nose and left eye socket are broken. Part of his skull has been shaved so that the surgeon could reduce the swelling around his brain. He is naked, and his body is covered with bruises, cuts, injuries you do not want to think about. But the worst...the worst is his left arm, the bone covered with bandages until they can reattach the arm.

The one that was prised off. The one they took away from him, piece by piece.

When a helicopter had taken off from the Villa, Adam's team had believed the Winter Soldier was on board and was being taken to wherever Kendrick was hiding. They had followed only to find that wasn't the case. There had been confusion and they had gone back to the villa only to discover that a second helicopter had arrived, carrying Kendrick. He had gone to the Winter Soldier, not the other way around.

You were with them when they found him. Adam had insisted. The mission had gone so far south that he wanted someone with medical knowledge on hand, and that duty fell to you. You can still see the room you found him in. It was tucked away in an old set of tunnels under a Spanish Villa that led to God knows where, you don't care. It was obviously the room they interrogated their prisoners in.

The room was cold, with stone walls and dirty lighting. Reuben Kendrick lay dead and next to him the Winter Soldier also lay, unconscious. There were four other bodies: guards and mercenaries that the Winter Soldier had taken out. They had interrogated the Winter Soldier. They wanted to know why he was there. His instructions, his programming, had prevented him from fighting back until the main reason for his mission had joined the fray.

But before that had happened the men had taken the soldier apart – literally. They had destroyed his metal arm, which now lay detached and in pieces. He had been beaten, burned and it reminded you of the photographs you had found of James Barnes when he had been interrogated at a Russian interrogation centre.

You try to dismiss the pictures in your mind and get up to check the drips. They will be operating again later today; they are going to reattach the newly-repaired arm. But there is a problem. Half of the bone they use for anchoring the metal was destroyed and had to be removed; the anchor point will now be shorter. They believe they have found a way around it, but only time will tell.

You think of how many times he has been damaged, how many times someone has hurt him. It is a wonder his mind takes it. You wonder about the long term damage mentally and physically.

You sit back down, and pray.

 **...**

 **Three Weeks Later**

You watch as the Winter Soldier comes back into the room. Something is not right with him, and you notice that once again he is rubbing his left arm.

"Are you all right?" you ask.

He doesn't know you well enough yet, and you don't think at first he is going to answer but then he does.

"I don't know..." he says, looking at you. "Am I?"

You do not know what to say, and he does not wait for your reply anyway.

When they had returned him to you four days ago, they had told him you and he are to return to cryo within five days.

They had successfully reattached the arm. Had it working normally. When they woke him, they told him that his mission had been completed. He has no idea that he has lost seven days. He cannot remember the details of his mission, but he is used to this after mission report. He believed them when they said he had been on mission, that everything went well. He has no idea about what happened with his arm. He has no idea he has been wiped already.

You know the truth but you are worried. At first he had seemed normal; tired and pale but getting better. But now? Now, though, there is something wrong with the Winter Soldier.

In the last two days he has become fractious, and you are sure he is in pain and not sleeping but he will not tell you what is wrong. You see his agitation and the way he favours his left arm. You know how amputees feel phantom pain in missing limbs, and he has had that happen before but this is more, so much more.

You speak to the doctors, but they genuinely believe you're worrying over nothing. The tests they had run showed no problems. They do not even think to report your worries to Caldwell.

He has lost weight due to all that has happened, and he is still not eating properly. In fact, in the last twenty four hours he has eaten nothing. There are black bags under his eyes, his skin pale, sweaty. His hair lank and greasy.

You try and get him to tell you what is wrong but he says nothing, keeps you at arms length, but you can see a new look in his eyes. You think you see fear.

You know he has been up most of the night again; he did not want you in his bed so you slept alone but you still heard him move around and you heard him groan. You had gone over to him, tried to talk to him, but he had become aggravated, pushed you away, even threatened you. He doesn't want you near him.

And this morning, he looks terrible. Worse than yesterday. You can feel heat coming from his body. Appearances are deceiving: he __appears__ to have gotten up and dressed himself, but you know they are the same tee shirt and combat trousers he wore yesterday. He did not change last night, you can smell his clothes need washing, his body reeks of body odour and something else, something unpleasant, rotting meat.

He is sat at the table in the kitchen and you offer him a drink but it is as if he hasn't heard you so you place your hand on his right shoulder and he is startled. He nearly ends up hitting you across the room; fortunately, you moved away just in time.

He looks at you and you see he is sweating heavily. His eyes are bloodshot. As you approach him again, you feel the increased heat rolling off him. You also notice his arm, his metal arm - he is holding it in such a way that you can see it is not functioning properly.

You move to the chair next to him and sit down, keeping your movements slow and non-threatening. He looks at you, and then away. This close and you can smell him, as if something has gone off, gone rotten, and your heart begins to beat faster. There is definitely something wrong here.

"What is it that's wrong? You need to let me help you," you speak but don't touch him.

He doesn't reply.

"Talk to me..." you plead. "I'm a nurse. Is it your arm?"

"No!" he almost shouts the word at you, anger burning in his eyes now. "No," he says more quietly.

"Then what? Please tell me."

As you try to reason with him his whole body seems too tense; a grimace of pain shows in his face and his breathing hitches. He cannot help but clutch at his arm, and he groans. He goes to stand up, to get away from you but the chair falls over backwards and he collapses to his knees still clutching his arm.

That is enough for you. You jump to your feet and hit the panic button, summoning immediate help.

"No, don't!" he cries out, but the klaxon is already sounding. You move to touch him and he is burning up. You encourage him to lie down and he does but then a new bolt of pain hits him and he curls up on his side, keeping his left arm against his stomach.

"No, you shouldn't have …" Another bolt of pain hits him and you try to calm him down, try to get him to tell you what is wrong, but then you see something. Where his metal arm is held against his stomach, the material of his tee shirt is smouldering.

"Don't let them! They'll take it! Please, don't let them...they'll take my arm..." his voice is weak but frantic and the pain is making him breathless. You can see the hysteria growing within him. He reaches up and grabs the front of your jumper in his right hand using it to pull himself up and also pulling you close. His eyes are desperate. He isn't trying to harm you: he is clinging onto you, as if to stop himself from drowning. "Don't let them take my arm, please don't let them take..." But then the pain hits again and he collapses forward and you catch him. You can feel an intense burning heat coming from his arm. It is so hot, that is what is making the material of his tee shirt smoulder.

"Oh God," you whisper. You can't stop them from doing anything. You can't promise him anything. He is in such pain. You look around for something you can wrap around the arm to try and prevent it from burning him.

The door bursts open and two doctors and a guard come flying in. They see the Winter Soldier on the floor – but worse, he sees them. You don't know how he does it but he pushes you away and staggers to his feet still holding his arm. He backs up, holding out his right hand. He now allows his left arm to hang by his side. A trickle of blood runs from the star; its as if the sigil is bleeding. The blood bubbles and boils on the metallic surface.

"Come near me and I'll kill you," he snarls. You don't know how he is staying upright; his legs are barely holding him. The smell coming from him is making you feel sick and you see a look of nausea on the doctor's faces. But his words stop the doctors in their tracks. This soldier is far stronger than anyone they know, there is no way they can tackle him and they look to you for guidance. You step forward and try to reason with him, but one look at his eyes and you know it will not work. He is delirious, and in this state he is dangerous.

The doctors turn to the guard and tell him to fetch reinforcements. They are going to have to take him down the hard way - meaning taser charge and not hypodermic.

"No, please don't!" you say but they are not listening to you now. You now know they will taser him and you don't want that; it will cause more pain, the voltage needed will burn through his clothes and through his skin.

You try to talk to him but he is not listening; the look on his face is frightening, and you know that he will kill anyone who goes near him. You feel yourself being pulled back and held whilst the guards come in to take him down.

"No please don't, please, we need to find another way! You'll harm him! Please don't!" you cry, fighting to get away from the guards.

The decision of how to take him down is taken away from all of you as a tremendous pain makes his whole body spasm and then buckle. By the time he hits the floor hard he is unconscious.

They rush him to the operating room. Whatever the problem is, it emanates from his left arm. Caldwell is called.

Although unconscious they do not want him waking unexpectedly. They inject him with something that will keep him out for hours whilst they do their preliminaries and find out what is wrong. You don't even stop to think. You change into your nurse's uniform and meet them there; they do not even think of stopping you, you are a highly trained nurse and know your way around the medical facility. Around the Winter Soldier.

More blood is bubbling to the surface of the metal arm. They do not understand it. It must be coming from somewhere within his body: the metal arm has no blood, his veins leading up into his shoulder and arm were cauterised by heat in the previous operation. They need to get his temperature down and ice packs specially formulated from the cryo freeze room are used. There is always a supply for emergencies. Zola's serum works at such a rate that it burns his body up and they have had to use it before but never in this way.

On a quick examination they can find no injury to any other part of his body, with the exception of burns on his stomach from where he had held his arm close to his body. All the problems seem to be in in his metal arm. The decision to take it apart is hindered by the fact that the metal is so hot they can barely touch it, yet alone use the finesse they will need.

Whilst they get the medical room ready you speak to Caldwell. He cannot understand why you keep badgering him about the importance of keeping the Winter Soldier fully sedated until you can get to the root of the problem. He would not dream of having it any other way.

"Have you never read Lehmann's files on when they were broke James Barnes mind?" you ask.

"There was no need to. Whilst I applaud the Winter Soldier programme, I never saw the need to revisit how it was put together. I realise it was one of the most important parts and of course...I've learnt more about it as time has gone on."

"When the time came to attach the mechanical arm, James still had most of his bicep left. Lehmann wanted to be rid of it, just leaving part of the bone and the shoulder. He...he thought it was clever of him __to kill two birds with one stone.__ That's the phrase he used. When they came to remove what they didn't want, they deliberately kept James conscious for the procedure. They used a drug that kept him awake, he couldn't fall into unconsciousness. It also paralysed him so he couldn't move, not even to speak but he could still feel everything they did. Lehmann said he had got a specialist in to do the operation. They peeled his skin off..." At this you think Caldwell is going to stop you, but you refuse to spare him. "...then they scraped the flesh away using flesh strippers...all the while James was trying to scream, trying to beg them not to take his arm..." now you have to stop as you see the memories in your mind.

You cannot tell Caldwell what the Winter Soldier said to you about not letting them take his arm. If he thought there was any sign of James he would order a full and complete wipe. __If__ there is a chance something of James lies dormant in the soldier you don't want it stripped out.

"I saw the moment his mind gave up. His eyes...the light in them died and when they were sawing the bone away there was nothing there. Nothing." You look at him. "For his sake please, please keep him unconscious until we can guarantee we don't have to take the arm. Don't make him go through that again."

"I'm not Lehmann," Caldwell looks at you.

 _ _No,__ you think, __but you are Hydra__.

"We'll keep him out of it."

"Thank you." You turn to leave, but he touches your arm and you look back at him.

Caldwell's expression belies his interest. "You said Lehmann got an expert in. Does he still work for us?"

You shake your head. "No. He turned out to be a butcher from the local abattoir. Lehmann thought that was funny. He thought it made a good joke."

You turn and walk away.

 **...**

It takes hours to cool the area and they can start to unplate the arm. What they begin to find disturbs them. It does more than that. It sickens them - and they are scientists. Doctors.

Although he is unconscious, he is obviously in a great deal of pain and they inject him with pain killers. They need to keep him as still as possible but that is not enough. The decision is then made to render him totally unconscious, and an anaesthetist is bought in. This will need to be a proper full on operation and everyone in the room is scrubbed and covered. Caldwell and the others watch through the glass plated window.

The rings now run wet with blood, and they also stick together with congealed gore and are difficult to grip. As the doctor unbuckles each one more blood is running between the gaps and when he removes the first set of plates you are as stunned as he is.

There is flesh in there.

The smell as he removes the plates is overbearing: burning skin, cooked meat and something gone rotten. As more layers are removed you can see what has happened. Zola's serum has taken a wrong turn. It is trying to repair the missing limb, trying to grow back his flesh, veins, muscles onto the original bone that was left as the harnessing point. That bone was recently broken and has re-awoken the serum there. The tissue has grown into the electronics. The Soldier would have been in agony and it is doubtful if he had realised what was happening.

Another doctor joins the operation and they remove all they can for the time being and are left with a mess of veins to cauterise; partly grown muscle twisted onto metal; wires running through new tissue. They don't know what to do next, and then they get word that Zola is to be consulted but it may take time to get a reply.

They move the Winter Soldier back to the old-style hospital bed and you place him on a drip containing morphine and barbiturates to keep him asleep. He is flushed as the serum is still trying to repair the damage, his arm is packed in more ice bags and they also pack these alongside his body. As soon as an ice pack loses the cold, it is replaced by another and put back into the cryo room to refreeze. His arm continues to bleed, sending the sheets red on that side. The doctors come in and out trying to keep up with sealing the new veins until it finds somewhere else to dribble out of. He is kept in another induced coma and once again you do not leave his side.

 **...**

 _ _Caldwell reads the report in front of him then looks back at the doctor.__

" _ _So he's dying?" he asks, and the doctor nods.__

" _ _I'm not even sure that we can save him. There is so much we still don't know about the serum, it is as if it has...mutated."__

 _ _The serum is doing more damage than good. It is growing the arm back in a hideous, malformed shape. It is also starting to back up into his body, into his shoulder, and they have to make the decision whether or not to remove a greater part of him. Take the amputation right back into the left shoulder and part of his left rib cage. They will have to remove the bone entirely. There will be no anchor point left. The metal arm will need to invade more of his body.__

 _ _Caldwell has to make the decision. Does he stop the project here, allow the soldier to die? Or does he take it to the next level?__

" _ _All right. Leave it with me," he sighs and throws the report on the table.__

" _ _Sir we need a decision pretty quickly," the doctor says as he gets up to leave. "We haven't got a lot of time."__

 _ _Caldwell nods. "I understand."__

 **...**

The Winter Soldier is kept asleep through it all and finally one of the doctors persuades you to go and sleep. You do not want to, but even you have to admit you are tired, more tired than you feel you should be. The doctor tells you it is stress. He convinces you finally by saying you will be of no good to the soldier when he is finally allowed to come around if you don't rest.

 _ _If__ of course he is ever allowed to.

You look down at him lying there, left side swaddled in bandages and ice packs but still the smell is seeping out. You can see angry streaks of red radiating out from the mess that still remains of his left shoulder. The infection is starting to invade other parts of his body. You are not allowed to attend any of the meetings and are being told very little of what is happening. But you can see - you know he is dying.

When you get back to your room you set your alarm clock for five hours, the most time you will allow yourself away from him, and then you fall into bed and try to shut the world out. It is not difficult - you are so very tired.

 **...**

You awaken feeling sick, and you sit up but immediately have to lie down again. The room spins. You must have been more tired than you thought. Sounds are strange, and the light in the room doesn't make sense. It should be moving into evening and yet it is bright sunlight.

You sit up again and reach for the glass of water you see beside you on the bedside table. Strange that you cannot remember placing it there when you went to bed. Your mouth is dry, claggy, with a bitter metallic taste. You give yourself a few minutes and then swing off the bed and make your way to the bathroom to use the shower and put on fresh clothes. You look at the alarm clock. It never went off - in fact, it is not even ticking. You pick it up and realise there is a small layer of dust on it. Strange. You look around your quarters. Now that you stop to think about it it seems dusty, old, not quite as it was when you went to sleep.

It is not until now you realise you cannot hear any noises from outside in the corridor. You open the door and step out but cannot see anyone and deep down inside you a fear starts to grow. Where is everyone?

"Hello?" you shout, but there is no reply and you turn and walk down the corridor to the lift and then down to the Main Room. You see one guard on the way but he just nods and keeps walking. You open the door of the Main Room but there is no-one inside – unusual, but not unheard of. You turn to leave but then realise what you saw and you turn back. The master chair is missing, along with some of the equipment. You walk over to where it normally stands but there is just a layer of dust.

Your heart is beginning to thump and you have a dread growing within you. You leave the room and back out into the corridor. You try calling out again but no-one replies. You pause for a moment and then head for the medical room where the Winter Soldier is.

You can hear your footsteps ring on the concrete floor. Your ears are still humming and you still feel strange, as if you are sleep walking. __Or as if I have just come around from cryo__.

Your pace increases, panic rising in your chest, a sick feeling in your stomach.

You still see no one. No other guards or even doctors, you thought there might be at least one in the corridor on the way to, or coming from, visiting the patient. The door to the medical room is closed. You put your hand on the handle and press down but you hesitate for a moment. You listen, holding your breath. You cannot hear anything but silence.

"You're being stupid," you chide yourself, but you don't sound convinced.

You push the door open and step in.

The room is empty except for the frame of the medical bed, and even that has been stripped. Nothing remains.

The Winter Soldier has gone.

"No, no..."

You walk into the middle of the room, utter disbelief on your face. You turn around full circle as if something could be hiding in the corners.

The room is empty.

"No, no, no..." your voice is growing louder, hysteria leaking into it as you stare at the blank spaces. All the medical equipment has gone. There is nothing left.

"No, no, no!" and now you are screaming and crying.

He has gone.

You are alone and slowly you sink to your knees sobbing. You have lost him. They have taken him away from you again and you are totally and utterly alone.


	58. Chapter 58 - Hydra - The Upgrade

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Fifty-Eight: Hydra - The Upgrade****

Caldwell studies you, and then he looks away and back down at his paperwork. "He is no longer any concern of yours. Your work is done," he says, and you are dismissed.

You have waited three days for this interview. Alone, not even knowing if the Winter Soldier is alive or dead. Knowing nothing. No one could tell you anything. This part of the base had been cleared out, the staff gone. You had looked in the Main Room and the master chair and other pieces of equipment were missing. In the cryo freeze room, the pods were gone. The store rooms were emptied. There was nothing left of Project Winter Soldier – nothing except you.

Each day you came to Caldwell's office only to find it empty as his secretary had said. But this morning you received a phone call to say he was back, and that he would see you.

You stay seated. You cannot move. How can your life with the Winter Soldier end like this? You lean forward, trying to regain his attention.

"Please. Just tell me, is he alive," your voice is on the verge of cracking, but you do not want to cry because you are angry, frustrated, frightened.

Caldwell carries on writing, reading from the pieces of paper in front of him. It's as if you are not there.

You stand up, you don't know what to do with yourself.

"I promised I would never leave him..." you say as if talking to yourself. You can hear the scratch of Caldwell's pen on paper, the sound of his secretary typing outside.

"Please..." You look down, finally realising the interview is truly over. He has nothing more to say to you. You turn to walk to the door. You reach out for the handle but you don't turn it - you cannot leave it like this.

You walk back over to the desk. "I promised I would never leave him," you repeat, louder, but still he ignores you and you suddenly hate this man in front of you, you despise him, you want to hurt him, to scream at him. You can feel all of your frustration boiling up, all of your anger, and you slam your hand on the desk making the contents jump.

"Goddamn it! You can't __do__ this to me! You can't! I won't let you!" You are crying, but they are hot tears of anger and you lean over the desk as you shout. He actually looks up and leans back but there is no expression on his face. Nothing. "I have done everything you have asked of me. I have never asked you for anything in return. You...you even use me as your indicator for your "ticking clock"..." and you see surprise showing in his face. "Oh yes, I know about that! I know you still spy on us in our rooms and I have never, never given you cause for alarm!" You hear the door open and you know his secretary is standing there - she heard your raised voice but you carry on. "You know I will never hurt him, I can't, he means so much to me. Part of him belongs to me but all of me belongs to him..."

"Sir..." the secretary interrupts, but Caldwell indicates to her everything is all right. She hesitates but then leaves and closes the door behind her.

You do not break eye contact with him but your voice drops. "I have never asked you for anything, but I'm asking you now. I don't care where I end up. What you have me do. But please, please just let me be with him. If not, then kill me because I don't want to go on. He is all I have, all I have ever had and without him I...I...don't want to live," you finally run out of steam and straighten up. "Just one thing though - Is he still alive? At least tell me that," you finish.

Caldwell nods. He studies you for a few seconds, and then sighs and opens a drawer and takes out a gun. You stare at him as he reaches in and takes what looks to be a silencer out, screwing it to the end of the barrel. Then he stands up and walks around the desk towards you.

You look from the gun to him and he sees your eyes widen, sees you take a deep breath. Then he points the gun at you. You want to take a step back. You want to run. But you don't. Where would you run to? And besides...what you said is true. You do not want to live without your Winter Soldier.

"I'm sorry, Freya," is all Caldwell says before he fires.

 **...**

" _ _Ready?" the man asks, and Caldwell nods. He is sat in the new programming suite on one side of a table. On the other side is Freya. She is pale, but appears to be asleep. He listens to the countdown and as the man reaches the number one she wakes and sits up blinking.__

 _ _He watches as she looks around her and then she focuses on him.__

 **...**

And you are confused.

You are sat at a table next to a window. You look around the room. It is beautiful, and you realise you are in a house but one you have never dreamt would exist. It is fully furnished, with polished wood flooring, sumptuous ornaments and paintings adorn the room and walls. You look out of the window onto decking which then falls away to a large canyon. The sun is warm, coming in through the window, the sky outside blue and clear. The sunlight makes you feel sleepy.

You cannot remember arriving here, but when you realise that Caldwell is speaking, you look at him frowning slightly and try to concentrate on what he is saying.

"Los Angeles is always this bright I'm afraid. It's something you won't be used to." And he smiles as he waits for your reply.

You feel rude. You obviously were not paying attention to him and you try to focus and nod to give yourself time to think of a reply.

"How do you like the house?" he asks, indicating the room around you. You turn to look again at the décor and you swallow. For some reason, your ears are humming.

"It's very...beautiful." You smile and look back at him.

"Well, it's yours now," he says, as if he is coming to the end of the conversation with you. "If, of course, you want it."

You look at him and you cannot help the confusion showing in your face.

"Your choice," he says, looking down at the table top. You realise for the first time there are some items laid out in front of you. On the left hand side is a set of keys on top of an open bank book showing a figure containing more zeroes than you thought possible.

On the right hand side is a gun.

Your head is hurting. You do not understand. You cannot remember what it is he said. You look back at him.

"As I said, we no longer require a Constant any more. The Winter Soldier no longer needs one. He no longer needs you. I'm offering you..." he indicates the keys, "this beautiful house and enough money to enable you to live in comfort for the rest of your life, or..." and he indicates the gun but does not need to say any more than that.

You are still taking in what he has said. You are not needed any more. You will never see the Winter Soldier again, even if you begged them to let you. Your part in his life is over.

 _ _She looks at Caldwell once more, and the smile she gives him is so sad that for the first time he realises finally just how much she loves James Barnes.__

 _ _He watches as without hesitation she picks up the gun, puts it to her temple, and pulls the trigger.__

 **...**

And you are confused.

You are sat at a table on a balcony. You look around and into the room it has lead from. It is stunning, and you realise you are in an apartment - but one you could never have dreamt would exist. It is furnished, carpeted, with beautiful ornaments and paintings adorning the room and walls.

You turn and look at the stunning view from the balcony. You have only ever seen pictures of it before - the Eiffel Tower. And here you are now looking out at the real thing. It is a beautiful day out here, you can feel the warm sun on your skin, feel a breeze and smell the flowers in pots next to you. The sun makes you feel sleepy.

You realise Caldwell is sat opposite you, a glass of wine next to each of you looking half-full. Perhaps it is the wine that has made you sleepy. He has asked you a question, but you cannot remember what it was.

"I'm sorry, I feel a bit..." you indicate the wine and ask him to repeat the question.

He does.

And suddenly the sun goes behind a cloud and you shiver as you remember. He is offering you all of this, and money too. You will be set up for the rest of your life. You will never want for anything...except the Winter Soldier. You can never see him again.

Why? Why would they ever think this would be enough? To never see him again, never hold him again, never...you can't think of that any more and without hesitation you take up the gun on the table, put it to your temple, and pull the trigger.

In your programmed state you even hear the bullet whistle from the chamber and feel a momentary pain before everything is black.

 **...**

 _ _Caldwell re-enacts the scenario five times with her offering her something slightly different each time but each time she chooses death.__ __He is satisfied and ends the test. Freya is slumped, unconscious, in the chair. He knows how much the Winter Soldier means to her – she will never stray, never risk his life – they have her complete loyalty through James Barnes and that is what matters.__

" _ _I still don't like it," the new handler, a man named Alexander Pierce, says and Caldwell pats him on the shoulder. "It's not that you don't like it, Alex, it's that you just can't imagine anyone not wanting power or money over love." He smiles.__

 _ _Then he stands up and looks back at Freya.__

" _ _We still need someone to be his companion just in case, we believe we have done away with the need for a Constant but only time will tell if we have been successful. She will have no control over him, but he will be safe with her. She will do everything she can to protect him, and...Alex," he peers at Alexander over the top of his glasses. "This is my decision." His voice is firm, and Pierce knows that he will not win this battle.__

" _ _Will you be flying back tonight?" he asks, and Caldwell nods.__

" _ _I'll take her through and show her what we expect of her. Then, if Maggie could take over?" Caldwell says and Alexander smiles and nods.__

" _ _I'll leave you to it then," he says to Caldwell, and knows he will not be needed for the next few hours. He is still settling into this new home himself. The base is huge, old, carved into the mountainside itself. He won't be here all the time but it will be one of his base of operations. Being the new handler is just one of many operations under his command.__

 **...**

 _ _When Freya had first been brought into Caldwell's office, he had been shocked at her appearance but did not let it show. They had woken her from cryo freeze three days before but no-one had told her what was happening. She wasn't even aware that she had been in cryo for two years. She had been left to fend for herself - after all, she was just a minor player in a big game. When she stood before him, he wanted to see what her reaction would be but all he could see was how her sorrow had taken its toll. When he had shot her, it had been with a tranquilliser gun, she did not know that, she believed he was going to kill her and she welcomed it.__

 _ _He is explaining this to her now.__

 _ _They had thought of terminating her, but he had decided to wait on that decision until he knew what the outcome would be. On whether the Winter Soldier would live or not. He had taken the decision instead to have her placed in cryo, and so once she had returned to her room it was easy enough to sedate her and move her into cryo where she lay for the next two years.__

 _ _Alone.__

And you listen, stunned at what he tells you.

"If you remember, the serum wasn't just trying to repair the damage done to his shoulder and arm. It had been trying to regrow them...but it wasn't just stopping there. It had mutated, and we found it was moving into his bones, misshaping them, they were growing into and damaging his organs. The Winter Soldier was dying."

"I could have helped..." you begin to say, but he shakes his head.

"Freya. You were too close; it would have destroyed you to watch what we had to do to finally save him. We couldn't continue to treat him at the facility. We simply did not have the technology he needed. So the decision was made to move him here - one of Zola's original work labs. This place is huge, runs miles back into the mountains...but I'll go into that later."

You are walking with him down a long stone corridor, and even though it is warm you still feel cold. You don't think you will ever be warm again.

"We had to remove his entire left shoulder - collar bone, everything on that side. The surgery was extremely invasive. The new prosthetic doesn't just extend into the shoulder; it is tied into parts of his rib cage and spine. The whole of that area is now artificial."

"But how? I mean, the technology..." you stutter.

"Hydra never stands still, never stops. We had already been working on a new technology for his arm, for wiping his mind, even for programming. I made the decision to take the leap...we needed to."

"And the serum?"

"That was the worst part. It was going through his body at such a rate, creating infection after infection. We had to flush it out of his system, whilst at the same time feeding in a new batch. I won't lie to you Freya...we nearly lost him several times."

And finally you appear to reach your destination. He stops in front of two large metal doors, but as he does so he turns to you. "Are you sure you want to do this, there is no turning back once we go through this door?" he asks, and you nod your head. Your heart is hammering and you feel overwhelming dread. Your mind is trying to create pictures of what you will find but later you realise nothing could have prepared you for the shock of what Caldwell showed you.

He takes out a key card and passes it over a metal panel with glass inset into it, and the panel lights up. He then says his name and an electronic voice repeats it back to him and the light in the panel turns green. The doors open silently.

Behind the first are a second set of doors, and he repeats the process again - only this time when the doors open there is a cold rush of wind and you feel as if you are stepping into some cavernous room. It is semi-dark and you can see shadows of strange shapes. The room is huge.

"This way," Caldwell says, and you follow slowly, looking around trying to figure out what some of the shadows are. Your footsteps are loud on the stone floor, and the room is cold around you. He stops half way down the room and he offers you a jacket from a peg on the wall.

"You'll need this," he says, and so you put it on. He puts one on to.

He moves to the side to reveal another set of doors, repeats the same process, and this time when the doors open it is even colder. You step in and this room is darker but feels just as big and cavernous. When you breathe, your breath mists before you. He walks over to a computer panel and presses a button and the control panel lights up, extending a bit more light into the room, but you still cannot work out what is in there.

He beckons you to follow. The place is so cold, so lonely that you can almost think you hear wind whistling through and it is as if there is no one left on Earth alive but you and Caldwell.

He stops at another computer desk and presses a few more buttons. As the lights begin to come on, you turn and see two pods up against the wall. They are the cryo pods from the facility but the lids are up and both are empty. So where is the Winter Soldier? You turn back to Caldwell who is looking at you and he lifts his hand meaning for you to look ahead.

You take a couple of steps forward as you hear him click something and three huge sets of lights come on over head showing what it is you have come to see. You shiver.

Six foot away is a circular, vertical platform about ten foot wide and four foot high. Standing on top of it is a glass container about twelve foot high and about nine foot wide. It is full of swirling white mist. You turn back and look at Caldwell, but he just indicates you are to keep watching and so you turn back. There is a humming noise and suddenly the platform itself begins to move and is moving down into the floor until only about half a foot of the platform remains. It stops.

You wait. Your heart is hammering and suddenly you don't know if you want to keep on looking. If you really want to see what is in that mist.

There is another noise and the glass shudders slightly and seems to crack – no not crack - there is a thin vertical opening and the front splits into two halves which then rotate to the back of the platform, uncovering what is inside. The white mist escapes and surrounds you in a freezing fog. You inhale and it makes you cough. You are glad to be wearing the jacket Caldwell had handed you.

As the mist begins to clear and your eyes adjust, you can see something stood on the platform and when you realise what you are looking at you gasp and your hands fly to your mouth. Your eyes tear up.

In front of you, stood in the now open container is a man. Not just any man, but the Winter Soldier.

You want to step forward but you can't move. In truth you are afraid. It is such a frightening sight.

His body and legs are encased in what looks like a dark brown leather suit. His left arm shines silver in the light and you can see it extends well into and forms an integral part of his left hand side. It appears to be partly open. A new red star is emblazoned on the top. There are tubes and leads running into the arm, and a bright blue light shows that the power source is on. But this is not the only blue light. There are two more buried in the left hand side of the suit as well as other cables.

The lower part of his face and nose are covered in some sort of breathing mask. His eyes are half-closed but there is no sign of life in them. His hair is still long and parted in the middle, it is lank and greasy, with what appears to be touches of frost in it. His right arm is bare but you can see tubes running into it and monitor leads fixed to it obviously giving out his life signs.

There are bands of metal holding him upright and in place against a body rest. There is one band around his neck, one around his chest, waist, arms and legs. Even if he was awake he could not escape until these bands are retracted.

Caldwell is talking.

"For some time now, we have been aware of how fast the world is changing. How technology is moving, __upgrading__ if you will - and Hydra needs to change with it. We need to be a strong, determined force. We were already working on a new design for the arm, something that would give him even more strength. That and the need to find a more stable serum has always been going on in the background. So when this happened, when he became so ill, we knew it was time. We have brought him to a new base of operations, and he has a new handler, someone I will introduce you to later."

"What have you done?" you whisper, and then turn to Caldwell, repeating your words. He sees your horrified expression.

"We saved his life," he says simply. There is no pride in his voice. They had nearly lost the life of one of their main assets and this is what they had to do to save him. To him it is a natural progression.

"You had no right! No right to turn him into...into this!" by the end of the sentence you are almost shouting.

"We had every right. You forget, Freya, he is ours, he __belongs__ to us."

You turn back and step forward looking up at the Winter Soldier. You want to reach out and touch him.

"It's your choice now," Caldwell says simply and you turn back to him. He has moved closer to you.

"You either stay with him, or I will offer you the gun again," his voice is deadly serious. You look back at the horrific image of the man you love. Your heart is still hammering but you feel such an anger on James's behalf. ' _ _Look at what they have done to you,'__ you whisper to him.

You swing back around and before he can stop you, you slap Caldwell hard around the face, knocking him slightly backwards.

"You monsters! You bloody monsters!" you cry.

"I will allow you that, this time only. What is it to be? Will you leave him to be on his own? With no one? To be __totally__ alone? Or..." and he leaves the sentence open.

But he knows already.

He knows he has you. He knows you will stay. But then he never doubted you wouldn't.


	59. Chapter 59 - A New Life

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Fifty-Nine:**** ** **The Constant & The Winter Soldier - A New Life****

 **The Winter Soldier**

He is used to pain, used to suffering - but this? This is indescribable. His entire body is on fire. There is fire in his veins, and he can feel his bones moving shifting, stretching. Through it all, he cannot even scream.

Cannot even beg them to let him die.

He is aware of noise around him, of people with panic in their voices. Some he recognises, but there is only one he is searching for: the woman. The woman who comforts him, who is always there for him - but now he cannot hear her.

There are the times they lock him out, send him into the dark where he can still feel the pain but he is totally alone with fragments of what could be memories. He does not know any more. A clinical psychologist would tell them he is mad, that he has fallen over the edge into insanity.

He sees people and doesn't know who they are. And places. Things that have happened but they are all jumbled, with no context. A tall blond haired man standing side by side with a man he knows is called Lehmann, they are both shaking their heads at him, as if he has done something so terribly wrong, as if to say he deserves the pain he is going through; the woman he craves kissing a soldier; a ship with loading crates that need moving, one of the crates tumbling to the ground with oranges spilling out; Christmas in the snow...but he is waiting to kill someone and yet when he enters the house the man in the bedroom is his father. __Dad, help me, please help me.__ So many scenes play out distorted, have no meaning until his sanity feels as if it is tearing itself apart because that __is__ what it is doing. The serum is tearing his body apart and his brain is tearing his mind apart.

There is no sanity left.

Just a voice.

His. Alone.

He calls out; _ _Steve! Freya! Help me! Please...help me!__ But he doesn't even know who Steve and Freya are, they are just names in the middle of all the pain.

And no matter how many times he begs them - no one ever comes to help.

He is truly alone.

 **...**

Dreams and nightmares merge into one another.

He reaches down, extending his hand to a young boy lying on the ground. His heart is beating wildly as he stares at the boy's beautiful blue eyes, long lashes, and the feel of the soft skin of his hand as he helps pull him up from the ground. He introduces himself. __I'm Bucky Barnes.__ The young boy is smiling and as Bucky helps him up he begins to change, growing taller, and broader, and stronger until the man stood in front of him is Steve Rogers. Bucky feels such an overwhelming love for this man. Now they are standing together, holding hands, and Steve is looking at him but the day is growing cold, snow is beginning to fall, catching on Steve's eyelashes, and Steve is asking him a question.

"I'm dead, Buck. You weren't there to help me. You weren't there to save me. Why? Why did you let me die?"

And now Bucky starts to fall backwards. Steve releases his hand and Bucky falls away. He can see Steve still standing, hand outstretched, getting smaller and smaller until he lands hard on his back.

He is lying in the snow and a soldier stands over him. The soldier crouches down and as he does Bucky blinks. The soldier's arms and legs are coated with grey fur and he watches in horror as the soldier turns into a huge grey wolf whose snout runs red with Bucky's blood. Bucky is aware of the pain again and he looks down his body; the wolf is tearing at his naked torso, tearing __inside__ his chest which lies split open, his ribs bent up and backwards. The pain is horrific but what is worse is he can see his own heart beating...

" _ _Christ! He's awake! For God's sake put him under, put him under!"__ a frantic voice yells and the man whom the voice belongs to is stood there, holding up blood-covered gloved hands clutching a scalpel and is dressed in the green garb of a surgeon. The wolf has gone.

Bucky tries to cry, tries to beg him to stop the pain but someone is muzzling him, preventing him from talking and he hears the voice just once more.

" _ _Christ. That was a close call! How the hell did he regain consciousness?"__

And now...now, he is climbing a grassy hill. He can see a kite ahead of him, and a man he thinks he knows. He lifts his hand to wave but the man is shouting at him. He looks to where the man is gesturing and sees fire roaring towards him, but he can't run. His legs won't move. As the fire gets closer he can feel the heat, feel the hairs on his arm shrivel up, and then it is upon him. He can feel it searing him; his whole body is on fire and he falls to his knees, burning, then collapses onto his front. The fire sweeps past and he can see his hand and arm in front of his face. He is ash.

He feels a cool breeze, and slowly his body begins to blow away on the breeze until there is nothing left but his face. Finally, he feels that begin to disappear.

Then darkness, for so long.

He awakens to the cold. So cold. He is being moved along a corridor on a gurney. He watches the lights flash by above him. He cannot move. He senses going through several doorways, and then he is in what feels to be a cavernous, dark space. People around him are speaking, but they make no sense. Then they are lifting him to his feet, telling him to stand up and he does so. It takes several attempts for him to stand without falling back. The two people lead him up some steps, and then turn him around so he can now see where he is. They move him further backwards and then he hears a noise and feels clamps come around him, holding him so he cannot get away. One is around his throat, almost cutting of his air. Clamping his body in place. Tubes are fitted into whatever it is he is wearing and he can feel the iciness of the blue glow that now shines in the metal of his left arm. The arm which now extends not just up and into his shoulder but into him. He can feel its invasiveness everywhere. Feel the power from it snake into his spine.

" _ _Okay. Are you getting his readings?__ " a voice asks, and another replies in the affirmative.

And through it all, the cold has seeped into his bones. He cannot keep up with what is happening. A mask is put over his mouth and nose. Freezing air is fed into his lungs. It hurts, makes them ache.

" _ _Jesus. This place gives me the creeps. Hurry it up so we get out of here!__ " the first voice says, and then the two people are leaving him and he hears another noise. He cannot see very well but it looks like two huge glass doors are sealing him in. He tries to clear his mind but he can't.

He watches as the two people hurry away into the darkness. For a moment, a door of brightness opens and then closes, sealing him in darkness.

A white mist swirls up from his feet and the air he breathes feels like pure ice. He can feel his whole body tensing, his muscles beginning to freeze up. He recognises the crackling sound of his skin turning to ice.

"Don't...don't..." he doesn't even recognise his own voice. It is barely a whisper. "Don't leave me alone..." his last thought.

 **...**

 **The Constant**

When you look back over the last week you wonder if anything was ever different. Is it because your mind has become accustomed to taking in all of the changes you have had to face in your life?

Caldwell had finished his speech by telling you that they believe they no longer needed you when they woke the Winter Soldier... _ _but__ , he had emphasised, they still require your __constant__ presence in his life.

Things would be very much the same as before. You will be there for everything he needs from when he wakes to when they put him back in cryo. You will join him in cryo, but in one of the pods from before the upgrade. His new cryo stasis chamber is fuelled by the same blue power that keeps his technology 'alive' - that keeps him alive. Caldwell tells you that the new serum is more stable and the Winter Soldier will not experience any more of the wrong turns the old serum used to take.

He goes on to say that there is a new mind wipe process in place which will look no different to you as the same principle and machinery will be used. It has been upgraded and requires more finesse. This is also the case with the new programming. He does deign to warn you that you may find the Winter Soldier __different__ to before. You ask in what way, and he admits that he does not know and it prompts you to ask if they will still use the 'ticking clock' method. Will the Winter Soldier still be told you are a whore? You can see it bothers him that you know about that but he has accepted it, moved on.

"No. The scripts will be different as the new programming is stronger, more invasive." You wonder what he means by invasive. But before you can ask any more he stops. You have been up for hours and the last few days have been stressful. He can see it on your face, and in the way your body is slowing down. "I don't think you can take in any more today. You've had enough." He stands, indicating for you to as well. You hate to agree, but you know you must, you are nearly dead on your feet.

"I'll take you to meet Maggie, who will be your main contact from now on. Then, I think that is it for today."

And that is what he did.

You were introduced to Margaret Mayhew: _ _'Call me Maggie__.' She is Alexander Pierce's personal assistant. She had taken you to your new quarters and suggested you sleep and you were only to glad to. She would come for you at 9am the next morning and carry on with your induction.

You took a shower, set the alarm for 7.30am, and then fell into bed praying you would sleep. You had no need for prayers; the minute your head had touched the pillow you had fallen into a deep sleep as if the last few days had all piled up on your mind and body and ordered it to shut down – it did.

 **...**

The next day, you showered and discovered that, as promised by Maggie, all of your clothes could be found in the wardrobe and drawers. You dressed and then investigated the kitchen area, where you found you could make decaffeinated coffee and toast. There was other food but some of it was a mystery to you; you have been sheltered all this time and some of the things you were to come across in the next few days would surprise you. Small things that other normal people took for granted, but that you had never seen before, never experienced.

Your quarters consist of a large area broken down into a kitchen, bedroom, and living area with what Maggie referred to as an __en suite__ bathroom. You didn't like to ask what that meant.

When you walk in through the door of your quarters, to your right is the large kitchen area. Before you enter cryo each time, you will be asked to leave a list of items you wish your kitchen to be stocked with and any other products you needed, toiletries and the like for when you awaken. The idea was similar to before: you could make small, light snacks, but larger meals would be ordered and delivered to your door. A menu of foods you are both allowed would be given to you so that you can plan out the meals in advance. The kitchen contains a table and chairs. You found some of the items a mystery; you had seen a toaster and kettle before but not the large oblong machine with dials that sat on the side. There is a handbook sat on the top which tells you it is something called a 'microwave' and seems to be used for cooking. You wonder why you need that if you have a conventional oven, which appears to be built into the cupboards and the hob is part of one of the surfaces. Part of the fridge seemed to contain a compartment for frozen items.

When you came out of the kitchen area, to your right is another table and chairs and then soft chairs and a sofa for comfort. A bookcase with a selection of novels and a small box-like item that had what looked like round shiny silver disks that you assume somehow fit into the box. These are labelled with titles which appeared to be music. There is a small table with a lamp.

Next to the bookcase is an area that contained a desk and chair. You pull the chair out and squeal in surprise, then look behind you as if someone would have seen your reaction. Looking at it the chair you see it is on small wheels and you hadn't expected it to roll so easily. You push it back in hastily. On top of the desk are filing trays, but it is the the object in the middle that looks the strangest. A large glass screen resting atop a silver oblong box, it looks similar to the machines the technicians used back at the old base and you feel a moment of fear. Why have they put one in here? Does it mean you will have to use it on the Winter Soldier to run tests? In front of it is a keyboard and a strange little curved object which seems to be on a wheel. You remember back to Caldwell's secretary. She had something similar the last time you saw her, she had seemed to move it about the table but you don't know why.

You were hoping they would have brought your typewriter here, but you cannot see it anywhere.

There is another set of shelves with what looks like a plastic plant on it then the door for the bathroom. It is a good-sized bathroom with all the usual things you would expect. There is also a handle on one of the walls in the bathroom labelled 'Laundry Chute', and you guess that is where you put your dirty clothes. You open it and there is a long chute leading away down into it. A label tied to the handle explains that any clothes will be returned within two days, cleaned and ironed.

You go back out into your main room.

Your gaze sweeps around to the final wall which has a double bed against it. This was where you slept last night. There is no second, single bed in the room. Two bedside cabinets with lamps, alarm clocks, and telephones. You recognise panic buttons on the wall.

When Maggie arrives at 9am, you ask her if she could arrange for a single bed as well as the double to be put in and she seems confused. "I'm sorry, we understood that you and the Winter Soldier sleep together." She is flustered. Was their intel wrong? If so, how many other things are wrong?

You stand, looking around the room, trying to act as if the conversation is normal. You haven't replied and Maggie comes up and touches your arm. When you look at her you feel you could trust her but when it comes to the safety of the Winter Soldier you can trust no-one.

"We do, but..." you look away. How do you explain things to this woman? You cannot tell her what the Winter Soldier thinks and believes of you sometimes. It is too personal. Neither do you fully believe Caldwell when he says the script has been changed. Maggie is quiet, giving you time to get your thoughts together.

In the end you tell her a version of the truth. "When he comes out of cryo freeze, he has been wiped as you probably know, then he goes into programming and when he comes here he doesn't always know who I am. It can make for a bit of an awkward situation and I just find it best if some nights I sleep in my own bed."

You try to smile as she studies you. She can see you have told her all you are going to. She smiles back. "No problem. I'll get one put in straight away." She looks around the room. "Where would you like it to go?" You both decide on the best place for it; it will replace the extra table and chairs.

"So today I've arranged for you to meet Alex - Mr Pierce, that is - and then I thought I would go over what is expected of you and what will happen from now on."

You nod and follow her out of the door and down a long corridor. Although you know you are still within the mountain complex this area does not make you feel you are buried under miles of rock. It is more like a hotel. A hotel with stern-faced guards, that is. There are so many questions running through your mind, things you want to ask, but you decide to listen for now so you can get a feel for the place, a feel for Maggie herself.

She explains that your quarters, the Programming Suite, and Cryo are all still on the same level. At this point, she stops next to a set of doors.

"I forgot to give you this," she says and takes a badge from her pocket. It is plastic and has your photograph on it and your name. How, you wonder, do they always seem to have my photograph when you never remember it being taken...? "Each door you come to will have a keypad like this one," she says, indicating the one next to you. "All you need to do with the doors such as this one is swipe the side of your card down through the light." She shows you how and the door opens. However, she does not walk through it as she has not finished explaining. The door closes.

"With the doors into areas of importance such as the Main Room you will need to press the button, say your name, wait for it to repeat your name, and __then__ swipe the card."

You nod as if you understand.

"If it is an area you are not permitted access to then the door will not open, an alarm will go off and you will find you are surrounded by guards in less time than you can say __oops,__ so try not to do that. All right?"

She smiles and you nod again.

 _ _Poor girl is scared stiff,__ Maggie thinks to herself.

 _ _Bloody sodding technology,__ you think to yourself.

She gets you to use your keycard, and then you proceed down the corridor.

"What happens if I need to get somewhere and I haven't got my card?" you ask, and she stops and looks at you.

Maggie is only about two inches shorter than you. She is in her late thirties, you think. Brown curly hair, blue eyes and a kind smile. She is wearing a skirt and blouse and you imagine somewhere there is a matching jacket.

"Then you don't get to go anywhere," she says, and smiles to take the edge from the mild threat.

 **...**

You feel as though you should like Alexander Pierce, but you don't. He looks vaguely familiar.

It is more than obvious though that he does not like you.

 _ _She was not what he was expecting. Not at all.__

 _ _For some reason he thought she would be glamorous, assertive, and confident; but this woman is ordinary. Her clothes are old, many times restitched; her blond hair is the longest he has ever seen, plaited down her back. Her manner quiet and unassuming. He can sense her dislike of him but this is not a worry for him; there is no need for him to use charm on her. She has no power, nothing he wants, and therefore she really is of no consequence.__

He shakes your hand and indicates for you to sit down on a sofa in his office. You are praying that Maggie will stay; you do not want to be alone with him, you find him...reptilian. But there is something else, a vague familiarity which makes you think you should like him, should even trust him and you don't know why. There is no way you could have ever met him before. There is coffee on a table in front of you and Maggie sits next to you on the sofa.

Pierce remains standing, watching you for a moment, and then sits in one of the chairs opposite you.

"Has she settled in?" he asks Maggie, and you see a moment of surprise on Maggie's face that he has not asked you directly but she covers it quickly. She looks at you and smiles and then back to Alex.

"I think so. I need to go over some more things but theres plenty of time," she says to him.

And it is then you realise why he looks familiar and your stomach drops. He is blond haired, blue eyed, strong shoulders, slim waist, good looking, all the features of an older Steve Rogers.

And he is frowning at you.

"Freya?" Maggie says, and you realise he has said something and you blush.

"I'm sorry..." but your apology is too late. Pierce leans forward.

His eyes are cold and hard.

"Lets get one thing straight, Miss Bowman...I don't want you here. I don't like you being here and I don't think we need you. You are here simply because Jackson Caldwell says you have to be here. You will look after __our__ Winter Soldier, you will make sure he is well, make sure he gets where he is going, make sure he eats, drinks, even fucks if he wants to but that is all you are here for. Do I make myself clear?"

His eyes do not leave yours and you feel frightened inside. He may look like Steve Rogers but he is nothing like him. This man is dangerous.

Your voice has dried up. You nod and look away.

He looks at you a moment longer and then leans back. You sense that Maggie is startled by her boss's reaction to you. She tries to save the moment by telling Pierce that she has set you up with your keycard and that you will both be going over your schedules this afternoon. He looks at you whilst Maggie speaks and you feel yourself growing warmer. You desperately want to pick up your coffee cup to drink but you do not want him to see how much your hand is shaking. The whole situation feels like it is going to overwhelm you when finally he looks away and you feel as if you have been released.

He stands up to signal your dismissal, and you and Maggie find yourselves out in the corridor.

"Well, that didn't go well," she says and for some reason it makes you feel like laughing but a laughter born of hysterics. As though it is welling up just under your skin.

"I'm sorry. I don't think...he liked me," you say honestly, looking at her. Her face reflects her agreement and somehow for a moment you realise she is in love with Alex Pierce, and you are women who are both in the same boat.

"Just...watch yourself. If he says jump, then jump," her tone is serious, and you nod.

"How high," you ask but it is not a question.

 **...**

You spend the rest of the week being introduced to people such as the Cryo Team and the technicians who will be responsible for wiping the Soldier. You learn where you can and cannot go. Again, the Winter Soldier is just one of Hydra's many assets housed here in this facility buried deep in the mountains. It soon becomes apparent as well that you will rarely get to see the outside world, fresh air, sun. The only times is when you will be used as an exit point on a mission; otherwise, you will spend your life buried here beneath the mountain. But then, you did tell Caldwell you did not care where you ended up as long as you are with the Winter Soldier.

And through it all Maggie is there to guide you, and be your friend.

You will still be awoken before the Winter Soldier where possible so that you can prepare the way for him. You will live with him, be his companion, and he will be allowed to remember you to a certain degree. With the new wipes and programming he will be able to stay out for longer durations.

You will still be used as an exit point on several missions. You ask Maggie if his team will be joining him here; you could do with a familiar face, but even that is not to happen. There is a new, larger team and a new team leader, Felix Bauer, whom you get to meet; he is a tall, stern-looking German, around 35. Whilst introducing you, Maggie also mentions at this point that this will not be the only base that is be fitted out for the Winter Soldier: there is also one in America, and both of you may at times be put into cryo there as well.

Whilst the new team are not currently stationed in the mountain complex, Felix does say he wants you to meet them so that they can get to know who they are working with. There are four other men beside him: Vadik Berezin and Artur Kostin who are Russian; a British man named Daniel Atkins; and finally an American, Jason Lewis. Over time you will find out what their specialities are. They will not all travel with the Winter Soldier but rather the team will be tailored for the specific mission he is on. When you get the chance you whisper to Maggie that you are not good with remembering names and she laughs and says neither is she. She gives you a typed piece of paper with all their details on which she has printed off for you.

Every day, and for as long as you can, you put on warm clothing and visit the Winter Soldier in his cryo state. You are usually alone when you do, and get as close as you can and you talk to him but of course there is never a response. He is encased in glass, your voice would never get through. Maybe you are doing it more for yourself than him. You begin to clear an area so that you can bring paperwork down here to do, just so that he is not alone. All his vital signs feed through to the Main Room and the cryo team are only ever needed here when he is to be woken and that has not happened yet. Alex Pierce is advised of your visits, but it is Maggie who persuades him to allow them.

"So she trusts you. Feels that you are her __friend__?"

Maggie nods.

"Well done," Pierce says.

And somehow Maggie's opinion of herself falls a notch. She likes the Constant, and in another time and place she would truly have liked to have her as a friend.

But this is Hydra. This is Alex Pierce's world. And Maggie cannot live without him. She will do whatever he asks of her, and if pretending to care for someone is what he wants then she will do it to the best of her ability.

She is just glad that Freya makes it so easy for her.

 **...**

 **The Constant & The Winter Soldier**

They are going to bring the Winter Soldier out of cryo, keep him out for several days to run tests, and then both of you will return to Cryo. You have spoken with the Cryo team and asked them to ensure that your pod is moved closer to his new enclosure.

You are so nervous. It's been so long since you saw him. How will he be? How will he settle in to his new home?

Has he forgiven you for leaving him?

Pierce is overseeing the wake up. At first you are told you cannot attend but Maggie intervenes, makes you promise you will remain in the background, quiet, no interference and you agree. All you want to do is be able to see him.

Most of the work is done in the Main Room but there are four technicians and Pierce standing in front of the enclosure when it is opened. You are stood at the back in the darker area. Pierce doesn't even seem to know you are there. Maggie is stood just behind Pierce.

You watch as the glass panels swing back and around. There is a loud hissing noise, then other noises and you realise they are releasing tubes and cables inserted into his arm and into his suit. There is a countdown going on through the speakers and the disembodied voice is echoing around the chamber.

You cannot hear all of what they are discussing, but you hear enough to know that they will wake him, then release him from the chamber and step him down. He will be confused and disorientated at first; this is normal as he has been wiped before being put into cryo.

It takes half an hour to release all of the tubes, to close his metal arm, and to awaken him. The bands keeping him upright and in place are retracted and you see him stumble slightly; your heart misses a beat. And then they are leading him down the two small steps. He will be taken to the Main Room and the master chair. The only time you see someone talk to him is when they give him orders to follow. And then they are ready to take him out of the room. Guards walk either side of him, assisting him when he stumbles.

As he gets closer you can see him clearly. He looks doped; there are red marks on his face where the mask had been in place and he is blinking hard, trying to clear his eyesight. You pull back slightly more into the dark corner as Pierce passes by; just behind him walks the Winter Soldier and as the Soldier passes you his head turns and looks directly at you and for just a second his footsteps hesitate. He carries on walking, but holds your gaze until the last possible moment and then the group of them are through the door.

You can't move. You feel as though your legs are turning to jelly. He looked at you and he __recognised__ you. You know he did.

"Freya?" a voice says and you look up. It's Maggie. "Mr Pierce is going to leave it up to the technicians now so he will going back to his office. But I'm guessing the techs might find it handy having someone there that knows...him."

You nod gratefully. You feel as though you should be begging to be allowed to see him and that is what you will do if you need to. Anything to be with him again. It reminds you of that old adage about the poor relative at the rich uncle's feast being allowed scraps from the table – but you will take anything they throw your way.

 **...**

And they do find it useful having you there. When you join them they have him sat in the master chair. You move to one of the benches but the Winter Soldier zeroes in on you the moment you come through the door. The look he gives you is frightening. The technicians turn to see what it is he is looking at and recognise you. One of them goes to take his blood and the Winter Soldier stops him, his hand on the man's arm tightens.

"Her," he says. His voice is rusty.

The technician looks at his supervisor.

"She is just here to observe," he says to the Soldier but then backs away at the look in the Soldier's eyes.

"I want __her__ to do it!" he repeats, forcefully, and this time the supervisor beckons you over.

Your hands shake as you take his blood. He is watching you, watching everything you do, his gaze travelling over your face, so intense.

And you?

You cannot look at him. You want to: you want to stroke his cheek, talk to him, but you feel the pressure of the other people in the room with you. They tell you what to do and you do it.

Eventually they tell you to help him remove the special jacket he has on and you begin to undo the studs and buckles. He sits forward so that you can reach behind him and when you get so close to him you know he breathes in your scent. You come forward and he catches your plait in his metal hand, turns it around, looking at it, he runs the end of it through his fingers. For a moment he closes his eyes as if feeling the softness and then he opens them and lets it go so you can straighten up. You do so, pulling the jacket away with you and handing it to the tech behind you, then you turn back to him and he sees the utter look of shock on your face as you see how invasive the new arm is. The terrible scarring around the new metal plates. Even now, the skin is splitting open from where he has moved and small rivulets of blood trickle down his chest which is a mass of scarring as well. A tech passes you some lint to mop it and you do. He is still watching you, his eyes never leave you and you dare to look up at him, his face. Your eyes tear up, he won't let you look away now and slowly you bring your hand up to touch his face.

"I've missed you so much," you whisper. It's as if you are by yourselves, all other noise fades into the background.

"You left me," he says, and watches as a tear escapes down your cheek. He sees the utter pain in your eyes at the words he has spoken.

"No, I didn't, I wouldn't do that..." you say. You want to explain, you want to tell him you would never willingly leave him.

"I..." What can you say? Everything that comes to mind is just an excuse.

"I looked for you. You weren't there," he says, and for a moment something flashes across his eyes, something akin to madness.

Before you can say any more the supervisor orders you to step back. The Winter Soldier sits back, bare chested in the chair, dismisses you.

He does not say anything more unless they ask him a specific question; even then, he only gives them a specific answer.

 **...**

He is brought to his quarters under armed guard and for the next two days a guard will remain outside. They are not sure themselves yet about him so they will take this precaution. He will undergo a barrage of tests, but for this evening he is yours and you guide him in what to eat. With his new cryo chamber there is no need for a lot of the drugs they previously gave him but he still suffers from migraines and you can see he is in pain. They have given you a salve for the scars on his body. He has so many new ones but some are in the process of healing and they are trusting that the new serum will eventually heal the broken and abused skin.

You are nervous around him. He watches as your hands shake until you cannot do it any more; you feel like you are on a knife's edge. You drop things, trip over words, and all the time he watches impassively. You would rather he was angry. At least then you might know what he is thinking. You desperately think of something you can say, but he beats you to it.

"Will you help me shower?" he asks, and this surprises you. You nod and take him through to the bathroom and set the shower whilst he undresses. You slip your jeans and top off and get in with him.

He stands waiting for you to start washing him and you do, but as your hands move over his skin you are appalled at all the new scars. At some time they have even opened up his chest and the skin is gnarled and red. And as you wash him you begin to cry until eventually you drop the sponge and just rest your hands on his chest.

"I'm so, so sorry," you weep. "They took you away. I couldn't find you." Your voice hiccups. "I..I..they put my in cryo, I didn't even know I was in it..."

"You didn't leave me?" he asks, and he knows you will tell the truth. He puts his hand under your chin to make you look at him.

"No, no I didn't leave you, I promise..." How can you make him believe you, "I...they kept me alone at the old camp and moved you here but I didn't even know that, no one told me." And now he knows you were alone as much as he was, he can see the truth of it in you.

"I can't remember," he says. You see his gaze turn inward and you know he must not try and think. You are more than convinced your quarters are bugged as they were before. They must hear you give the right answers.

"There is so much you will not remember but that is because you...don't need to. Just concentrate on today," you whisper. And you deliberately let your hand brush against him, you need to distract him and you know how you can. You feel bad, as if you are siding with __them__ but you will not lose him again. If they want you to jump you __will__ ask them how high.

You feel his intake of breath as he feels your hand on him and then his eyes are on yours, his arm coming up to touch you, touch your skin and he bends to kiss you. You have missed the taste of him, the feel of him and he has missed you. For now, you have your Winter Soldier back and you will face the future together.

 **...**

 _ _The Winter Soldier feels the strong heartbeat of the woman curled up in his arms. He has been angry with her for so long because he believed she had left him; but he believes her when she says it was not through choice. He can see she cannot lie. Her own pain is so akin to his own.__

 _ _But there is a dark side to his nature created by years of programming and reprogramming. His alternative side has been released: it is able to control itself more, control its urges, it will ensure that the things he has to do as the Winter Soldier will be done, his missions completed.__

 _ _He is stronger now; not just physically. The world out there is in such chaos and he will help Hydra eradicate the chaos and anyone who stands in their way.__

 _ _They own him. Body and soul.__

 _ _And through it all he will keep close to him the one thing that belongs to him, they will not take her away from him again and he will never allow her to stray. She is__ his _ _Constant.__

 _ _And he owns her. Body and soul.__


	60. Chapter 60 - The Mother Of The World

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Sixty:**** ** **The Winter Soldier - The Mother Of The World****

They are calling her The Mother of the World.

She is a wave sweeping the planet: a lone woman, fighting for peace. But she has been set up by the news agencies and their governments. Poor woman. She does not know what has hit her. She was a lone voice who started to talk to the world, to ask why there should be so much killing, so much unhappiness. The world needed good news and when the right TV crew interviewed her, it went global.

Neena herself was amazed – startled, even. She had started her life in a humble village in India, and moved to the city when she was lucky enough to be allowed to marry for love. Her parents were progressive; encouraged their two children to have a good education. " _ _Our children are the future of the world,"__ her mother often told her.

Neena had been happy to be a mother to her three children before the terrible bombings had started. She saw mothers like herself mourning their dead husbands, their dead children, and she asked the simple question: why is there so much hatred in the world? Her brother had become a doctor, and what he saw in everyday life saddened him. They would talk for hours. Try to make sense of everything. One evening they had been talking quietly at the hospital where he worked; he had been up for hours trying to save the lives of people who had been caught up in the recent bombings. Neena had brought him food to eat. A TV broadcaster had heard what they were saying, and had interviewed them.

Suddenly Neena found herself propelled into an unknown world. People high up in the government courted her, and wanted her to speak out for them. The United Nations offered her protection so that she could travel and spread the question and so now she finds herself in a strange country, sat in a car with men she hardly knows, looking out at a city so different to hers.

London.

They are travelling to a venue in the country, Chequers, a mansion house in an area called Buckinghamshire where she will meet with all sorts of politicians and she asks herself for the umpteenth time: why me?

Why are they listening to me?

She had asked the same question of a reporter, a charming lady who now travels everywhere she does. The woman smiled, teetering on the edge of fame herself.

"Because," she had said, " the world has adopted you. You have become the mother of nations. No - __the mother__ __of the world.__ " The news reporter was pleased with the soundbite, and even more pleased when newspapers and news crews across the planet had picked up on the name. And now it is what Neena had become.

The day is overcast, grey. They were supposed to travel by helicopter but the British weather has put paid to that and so instead they are travelling incognito through the city of London. It is late in the day, 8pm, and Neena is tired. Her head is buzzing and all she wants to do is talk to her children, to her husband and then go to sleep. They have promised her once she is there she can do just that, the telephone would already be set up for her to talk to her loved ones a continent away.

The car she is travelling in is armour-plated, although you would never know to look at the sleek lines of it. Shadowed glass allows the passengers to look out, but no one to look in. At the moment, this is all the protection she requires, but once she has made her speech, once it has gone global, then security will be stepped up. She will be worth protecting. In the car with her are two men, acting as bodyguards. She has not got to know them yet although the one to the left of her is friendly and she felt herself trust him the moment they met.

"Call me Sam," he had said and smiled, and she had smiled back:

"I'm Neena."

 **...**

 _ _She has become too much of a nuisance. She will give too much optimism to the world. There are people who do not want that, and so Neena has come onto Hydra's radar. The hope she gives people has to be nipped in the bud.__

She _ _has to be nipped in the bud.__

" _ _We can't get close enough to shut her down," the assistant says, frustrated.__

 _ _Jackson Caldwell looks at him, and nods. "Get on the phone to Pierce and tell him to send in the Asset. I'll follow up with details in the next few hours. Find out her schedule."__

 _ _As the assistant goes to leave, Caldwell looks up once more. "Tell him to make it public. I don't want any more bleeding hearts to come along. I want them frightened. I want them to keep their heads down and leave the world to those who know what they're doing: us."__

 **...**

The city is awash with rain. The street lighting is just coming on, trying to give light where it is needed.

 _ _So different to my own country,__ Neena thinks to herself. Sam, sat next to her, is checking out the other side of the window and she wonders if he ever relaxes. What would make Sam choose to do this job? She looks again outside the window at people hurrying along the street, bright lights shining out of windows showing wares to the shoppers but no one at the moment taking any notice. It is too wet and cold, and they just want to get home.

 _ _That is all I want,__ she thinks to herself. __To go home and see my children.__

Sam's radio crackles and a garbled message comes through. __How is it he seems to always understand what they are saying? s__ he wonders. Western technology leaves her puzzled; she can understand it when it is used to save lives but otherwise __why do we make the world so complicated?__

The car slows as a set of traffic lights blaze red, and Sam leans forward to talk to the driver.

"Can you run them?" he asks, but the driver shakes his head. Sam's gut tells him to be careful. He scans the pavements but cannot see anything out of the ordinary, anything that shouldn't be there…except…for a moment he thought he saw something, a shadow...but he must be tired. It's been a long day.

"Should change in a minute. You're too jumpy." His partner stretches and is about to say something else when without any warning the door on his side is wrenched open. It should be an impossibility: it is locked, reinforced, but the door is pulled away from its hinges.

Neena jumps with the shock of it and Sam screams to the driver to put his foot down as he watches his partner pulled viciously out of the car. The man doesn't have a chance and is dead before he hits the pavement. Sam pulls Neena towards him and yells at the driver again as the attacker reaches for her. There is no reaction from the driver and Sam sees why; there is a neat hole in the side of his head and only the seat belt is stopping his body from sliding forward onto the steering wheel.

A gloved hand has hold of Neena's sari and is pulling at it. She fights to go in the opposite direction, luckily for her the narrow confines of the car are helping to keep her in there. Sam is pulling her from the other direction as he scrambles for the door catch so he can pull her out of the car from his side. He reaches for his gun. He can't fire it inside the car, and so instead uses it to club the hand away. It is persistent and then someone bends down and looks into the car. Sam sees that it is a man but the face is masked, goggles covering the eyes. The arm pulling Neena is made from metal, and Sam realises who the man is. He is no-one – a rumour: they call him the _ _ghost__. His stomach falls. He has heard about the ghost, even seen a blurred photograph: but all of the intelligence world believes he exists, and right now Sam is the only thing between this assassin and Neena.

He has to risk shooting his gun in the confined space of the car. He has no choice, and he tries to aim and fire whilst yanking on Neena's arm. His shot goes slightly wide but still hit its intended target and there is a grunt from the figure. The gloved hand releases her, as the shot has taken him in the right arm.

Everything is happening too fast, yet Sam is thinking all the time. He needs to get her to a safe place. The door has opened and he pulls Neena out ducking as he does and a shot goes over the top of the car, aimed at them both.

"Keep down," he instructs, and he can see pedestrians running down the pavements. He can hear screaming. He scans around quickly and sees an alleyway; at the same time he is trying to report in on his radio, but all he is getting in return is static.

"I repeat, man down! We are in need of assistance!" It is no good; his technology has let him down and he knows they are on their own.

Rain is pouring down, making it difficult to see, but he can hear footsteps and he knows the assassin is coming around to his side of the car. He raises his gun.

He watches and talks to Neena quietly. "When I say go, you run for that alleyway. Do you see it?"

Neena is petrified: her heart is racing, and she is trying to catch the folds of her torn sari so that she doesn't trip over.

"What about you?" she asks, concerned for him because that is who she is, she cares.

"Don't worry about me. Just get ready to run, okay?" Sam quickly turns to look at her because she hasn't answered, and he can see she is aware of the danger and she nods. He turns back, takes a deep breath, and places a hand in the middle of her back.

Sam closes his eyes. He counts to three and, pushing her forward, he stands to protect her as she runs...but there is nobody there, and for a moment his brain cannot register what is happening. Neena has started to move towards the alleyway but she turns to look back at Sam. He hears a noise and turns just as a fist comes forward and a knife is plunged into his belly. He looks at the knife handle in shock as it pulls back from him, then looks up as he sinks to his knees.

The man holding the bloodied knife watches as the bodyguard goes down. Sam thinks he is one of the most frightening sights he has ever seen. The assassin is clad in black leather clothes. His hands are gloved, but one arm is uncovered and is made of metal. A red star is emblazoned on the bicep. Longish brown hair now damp with rain, parted in the middle. Sam does not honestly know if he is looking at a human being or not.

He sees the man beginning to turn. His attention is now pulled away to follow Neena's progress and Sam desperately reaches to grasp the man's trouser leg to stop him, but he is too badly injured. The man stops and looks down at Sam's hand, then he reaches down and easily peels Sam's hand away and brings up his other hand. The metal one. In it, he holds a gun and he shoots Sam in the head, then he turns back to follow the woman.

He takes no notice of the people running away. They are not his mission: the woman is. The rain is inconsequential to him, and so is the blood running down his own arm from the bodyguard's lucky shot.

The woman has reached the alleyway and he strides forward as she runs down it. He follows her every step like a hawk.

She is his mission. He will not stop until she is dead.

 **...**

Neena's heart is racing. She feels like she is going to be sick as she desperately tries the doors in the alleyways, but they are all locked. It is a dead end and only one more door left to try. She looks back. The man is calmly walking towards her. She can still see the car she has run from and Sam's body lying in the street.

How is this possible?

When the door opens in her hand she is too shocked at first to realise, but then her survival instinct kicks in and she is through the door, banging it closed behind her. She finds herself in a well-lit hallway with another door at the end of it. Piled along the sides of the hall are bags of rubbish. Halfway down the corridor, her feet slip on the floor and she nearly goes down but then she hears the door open and knows he is following her. She uses the wall to pull herself up. She doesn't look back, but instead focuses on the door ahead and before she knows it she is through that into another smaller room. She runs to a set of double doors and pushes through them and then stops.

She is in a department store. It is floodlit but looks deserted because it is now closed for the day. She looks around, panicked: where does she go? Where would she be safe? Can she hide? She hears a noise from behind her and knows he is coming and she starts to run again this time toward the clothing set out on rails. Maybe she can hide behind them? The shop is so quiet that she can hear her own breathing. She hears her own footsteps as she runs; the clothes in front of her are muted and her own colourful sari is bright. There is no camouflage here, nowhere for her to hide.

Neena turns to head back the other way but she sees him; he is looking straight at her and walking forward. He is in no hurry. He scans his surroundings, ensuring there is no danger. He holds his gun at his side. She cannot see any humanity in him. The mask covers too much.

Suddenly there is a noise to the side of him; another set of doors has opened and a man comes through them.

Neena watches in horror. The man is oblivious to the danger behind him. He is young, whistling, and pushing a bucket on wheels with a mop. She can see that he has headphones on. She tries to scream out to him but her voice makes no noise. She watches as the assassin walks up behind the man and, without any fuss, he takes the man's head in both hands and turns it sharply. She watches as the body slips to the floor and the headphones fall off. She stares in horror at the dead man, and then her eyes slowly move upwards, the assassin is looking at her. They are about 25 feet apart. He raises his gun but she is quicker and darts to the side. He doesn't even bother wasting a single shot. His hand goes down and he walks forward.

"Please help me, help me get back to my children," Neena says, as she closes her eyes to pray.

She can hear him getting nearer and she looks around her. There is an opening, and above it says Changing Room. She runs into it and finds herself in a enclosure with four cubicles. The doors are shut but not locked. There is no other way out of the enclosure, and she realises she is trapped.

Pure fear and panic overtake her. She cannot beat this thing...this __man__. She is finished. She can hear him coming closer, and she backs up to the last cubicle. In a last, desperate effort to hide she slips inside it, pulling the lock over. The cubicle has mirrors on three of the walls, and she sees herself repeated for infinity. An older lady, dressed in a torn but beautiful coloured sari, her hair bound in a plait and clipped up at the back. She stares into her own wide, frightened eyes and sees show pale her skin looks under her natural colouring. She is trembling, wringing her hands together. She backs up until her legs hit a bench and she sits down abruptly, pulling her legs up onto the bench and wraps her arms around her knees.

To die alone, away from her family. Was this the plan all along? Why? All she ever wanted was peace in a world her children could grow up in, a world she could grow old in with her husband.

Suddenly her heart jumps as she hears the door of the first cubicle pushed open and hit the wall. Then footsteps. Then the second cubicle door. Then footsteps. The third door. And finally, she knows he has found her. For a moment everything is quiet and then the door rocks in its frame as the lock stops it from opening.

Neena whimpers. She cannot help it. She pulls herself smaller and backwards so that she is as far away as possible from him. The door crashes open and he is there, black-clad, death.

She cannot see his eyes. Cannot see anything about him but she can feel the violence in his countenance. She can feel the utter helplessness of her situation.

He stands there and slowly raises the hand with the gun in it. She cannot help but beg.

"I have children. Please. Please, let me live to see them again!" But the hand does not stop rising until the gun is pointed at her forehead, and mercifully she doesn't hear the bullet that takes her life.

The Winter Soldier lowers his hand and looks at the dead woman. If you were to look into his eyes you would see nothing. No remorse. No compassion. Emptiness.

He turns and walks away, leaving a trail of his own blood dripping along the floor.

His mission is complete.

 **...**

 _ _You have been waiting for him to return. It is late, and you have been warned that he has been shot so you have everything ready in case the bullet needs to be removed. But first, they insist on mission report.__

 _ _At last you see him and the wound is not too bad. The bullet passed through and the skin is already mending. You can feel heat coming from the wound.__

 _ _He insists first on a shower. He looks tired, and is grouchy. He stays in the shower a long time and when he comes out you get him to sit whilst you attend to his arm.__

 _ _He watches your every move.__

 _ _When you look up, he is staring at you. Suddenly, he reaches out and pulls you forward into him. He kisses you as if he is drowning and when he leads you to bed before you can even think of getting him to eat, you follow without saying a word.__

 _ _His love-making is desperate. Afterwards you try to leave and he stops you. He doesn't say a word, but his eyes implore you to stay and you move to be with him.__

 _ _You listen to his breathing knowing he is awake and finally you ask him. "What is it? What's wrong?"__

 _ _You don't think he is going to answer but then he takes a deep breath and lets it out. "I don't know. If I did, it wouldn't haunt me," he says.__

 _ _You move to look at him. Your rooms are never fully dark and you can see the light glistening in his eyes. You kiss his cheek, then his forehead, then his eyes and finally his mouth. He kisses you back.__

" _ _Try and sleep. I'm with you, you're not alone," you say. You know tomorrow you are both due to go back into cryo, he needs to rest.__

 _ _His arms tighten around you. He doesn't let go of you all night.__


	61. Chapter 61 - The Lost Princess

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Sixty-One:**** ** **The Lost Princess & Her Prince - A Day In Spring****

 **The Lost Princess**

 _ _Okay. You have an hour to do this. You can do it.__ You chant to yourself. You have a mission and you need to complete it before the Winter Soldier finishes his own and meets you back at the car.

You lock the car and pat your pocket to make sure that you have your phone. That way, if something goes haywire they can still contact you – and they won't have any idea that you have deviated slightly from the plan.

You cross the street and then walk up to the top of the road. As you had thought and hoped, the street you want appears before you. It has been paved over so no traffic can drive through it; it is just for the use of pedestrians and shoppers which is what you are.

You are still guessing at this point that you will be able to get what you want. The whole thing is guesswork.

The day is beautiful even though it is early Spring and you breathe in the clean fresh air. As you walk you begin to realise you had not thought this through. The shopping precinct is full of people and you are not keen on crowds. In the life you live, you see so few people.

 _ _Take a deep breath. You can do this.__

As you walk, things begin to catch your eye. You had no idea that so many shops could exist. They are all crowded into one street, all bright and eager to show off their wares.

You pass what you would call a Barber, but these days they call themselves Hairdressers. The one you are now passing is called __Tony's Hairdressers__ and there is a line of men waiting to have their hair cut, all looking at their phones whilst they wait. Everyone in this day and age seem to concentrate on their phones all the time even when out in public. Does anyone actually talk to each other face to face anymore you wonder? The one they gave you is able to make and receive telephone calls and text and that is all. You had asked Maggie why so many people stare at the small screens. Do they get that many texts? She laughed and shook her head.

"They have games on them as well," she said, and to show you she borrowed one from a technician who handed his over reluctantly. You found it interesting...but surely wouldn't it be boring after a few minutes? The technician was offended.

In the middle of the street there is a line of trees which have yet to bud, but you can feel that spring is in the air and around the trees are daffodils and crocuses. Such beautiful colours after the confines of the base and the white and grey of the mountains. The wind is cold but crisp and you bury your hands in your pockets.

You keep an eye on the time, but you have plenty of it and so you slow down and begin to look in the shop windows at all the clothes and items that can be purchased. There is a shop that sells books. Thousands of them. How you would love to go in and browse; the covers all look so inviting! Next there is a store that sells mens' clothing and you wish you could buy something for James.

What would he have liked? Fashion has changed so much during your time on this earth that neither of you would really have a clue what to buy.

Then you see the shop you want and you go up to the window to look in.

There are quite a few people in there. You turn to look around because it's so rare for you to be allowed out on your own you feel guilty. As though someone is watching you.

As you turn you notice a shop across the way and you feel yourself blush. You look around and then slowly walk over to the window, looking at the name of the shop __Victoria's Secret...__ and what secrets it is showing! Women's underwear, but nothing like you wear. Beautiful, lacy, and so out of your realm but for a moment you allow yourself to feel envy for the women who can buy it and wear it for their loved ones. What would the Winter Soldier say if he saw you in it? For one crazy moment you actually find yourself working out if the emergency money you have on you would buy one of the sets on show and then you realise what you are doing and shake yourself.

Day dreaming is not something you can afford, no matter how much money you have on you.

You are tempted to just go back to the shop you wanted but you check the time. You still have plenty, and so you continue down the street a little further. There is another shop called ' _ _Boots'__ , yet it seems to sell toiletries not shoes; and then ' _ _Mothercare,'__ with a window full of prams and tiny knitted clothes, bringing another pang of envy, it is a shop you will never have a need to use. And next to that is a toy shop called ' _ _Disney's',__ and you look in at the window at all the toys made for the children of today.

And it stops you in your tracks.

What would it be like to have a daughter that you could take in there? Or a son? Would he look like his father? Would he look like James? For a moment there is real pain that stabs you in your heart. Children. Just what would it be like to be a normal person? To have normal desires, be married to James, have children, a house, a garden - and you have to stop there. Because it hurts.

And that is when you see her. Reflected in the window. Stood next to you. A small child. You look down to your right and she looks up at you and then away, pretending she wasn't looking at you. Her eyes are blue, wide, long blond hair in a pony tail. She is wearing a fairy dress of all things, with glittery tights, shiny shoes, and a red coat. She looks at you again, a shy glance sideways.

"Hello," you say smiling.

 _ _And Emily thinks she is dreaming. She has been watching the tall lady with the long, ash blond and golden hair come nearer and nearer to her and now she is stood so close to her, she could reach out and touch her. The ladies long blond hair is braided into a plait and Emily is convinced – really convinced - the woman is a real live princess and she is smiling at Emily just the way princesses do. With the logic of children, Emily has another thought - maybe she is not a princess, maybe she is Cinderella? But Cinderella is a princess now her prince has found her. Perhaps this one is a__ lost __princess? She knows a lot of tales about lost princesses and this is what they__ must __look like!__

The logic of a child never makes sense.

Her fingers are in her mouth and she pretends not to see you, and for a moment you do not know what to do. How long is it since you have seen or even spoken with a child. Especially one so young! Where is her mother? You glance around and you see a woman chatting with another woman. You look back at the girl and she points to something behind you. You turn to look which makes her laugh, and you turn back smiling. She reaches behind you and pulls your plait gently.

 _ _It is the longest plait Emily has ever seen, and feels so soft. This__ must _ _be a lost princess! Her hair is so long and thick she could let a Prince climb it to the top of a tower! And she has big blue eyes and...__

" _ _Are you a princess?" she asks, and then before the lady can reply: "Do you have a prince?"__

"Emily!" A voice breaks whatever spell the child is holding you in, and you look up and smile at the mother. But the woman is flustered and glares with hostility at you. She is not happy, and snaps at the little girl: "What have I told you about not talking to strangers!"

" _ _But Mummy..." Emily wants to explain that the woman is a princess! A beautiful princess!__

You try to smile but you do not know that these days it is wrong to talk to children. The woman grabs her daughter's hand and they walk off together, the little girl looking back at you sadly, and before they disappear into the crowd she gives you a little wave. You wave back and then she is gone.

" _ _Do you have a prince?"__ the girl had asked you. What would you have answered?

" _ _Yes I do, but he is held under a terrible spell by an evil empire..."__

The day has grown cold and you need to remember who you are, and what you are. You turn and head back down the street to go into the shop you wanted. A moment later you have your purchase in your pocket and you hurry to get back to the car. Maybe your mission was foolhardy after all. You cannot afford to be so stupid, and by the time you get back to the car you wish you had never made the journey at all.

 **...**

 _ _Back on the street, Emily is trying to count how many squares there are on the pavement and she knows with innate childhood wonder that she mustn't step on the lines. Her concentration is absolute until she bumps into a man who is crouched down outside of the hairdressers.__

 _ _He stares at her, angrily muttering something under his breath, and she immediately hops back. She knows it is naughty of her to bump into adults, but then a curious thing happens. In the middle of his forehead, a red light appears and then his face breaks up like a broken doll's and she is splattered by what she thinks is the man spitting at her. She falls back on her bottom in surprise.__

 _ _Her mother comes rushing up to her and it is then that all hell breaks loose. No-one heard the shot until seconds after it was made, and by then the man had already crumpled to the pavement.__

 _ _People start to run, some screaming and crying, and Emily's mother grabs her and pulls her up and away from the dead man. She realises her daughter doesn't know what has happened.__

 _ _"The man spat at me, mummy," Emily says and her mother looks around wildly, all the time pulling her daughter into a protective hug. She heads into the nearest clothes shop and grabs the first thing of the rail and swaddles her daughter in it.__

 _ _Her daughter tries to shrug it off but her mother insists that she keeps it on, she doesn't want her daughter to see what is covering her favourite coat. So lucky it is red.__

 _ _A shop assistant approaches with a query on her face. She can see people running down the street. She looks at the little girl and is worried when she sees she has pieces of something in her hair and blood on her face.__

 _ _The mother is pale and wide-eyed but shakes her head at the assistant, begging her with her eyes not to say anything. This lady has children and knows something is not right so she tries to smile and tells the little girl how nice she looks in what her mummy has just put on her. Would she like to go out back and see what else they have?__

 _ _By the time the police track the little girl and her mother down, the little girl is no longer wearing the blood soaked coat, her face and her hair have been cleaned, and a new hair band is scooping her hair back. She had insisted on a plait. She hasn't told her mother yet but she wants to grow her hair long, as long as the lost princess' plait she saw earlier.__

 _ _The whole incident has passed Emily by. That night, her mother will say a prayer, not knowing how close she came to losing her daughter. Not knowing it is only through talking to the lost princess that her daughter's life was saved.__

 **...**

 **Her Prince**

His mission is all that is on his mind. He needs to scout the area, check his gun, and be set up ready for when his target appears. He is always early and prefers it that way; he doesn't tell them but he likes the fact that he is away from the team. He feels he can breathe.

He is on the rooftops, overlooking the street. He has a perfect view of it but no-one can see him. He has put his rifle together and is checking out the scope. He places it on the gun and then looks through it, down at the street. So many people that could be one step away from death if he so chose and they have no idea.

Something registers in the back of his mind and he finds himself swinging the scope back down the street. His heart gives a lurch.

"Freya?" he asks quietly. He would know her anywhere: the long plait down her back, her equally long legs striding down the street.

He sits back on his haunches. What is she doing down there? She should be waiting at the rendezvous point. She doesn't even know where the hit is to take place. They never tell her. She is never in on the briefings. There is no way she could have found out he was here.

He kneels forward and finds her again in the cross-hairs now resting on her and follows the path she takes. She has slowed down and is looking in the shop windows just like all the other people. What is she thinking? Why is she here? He forgets to breathe for a moment when she looks in the hairdresser's window but then she carries on and looks in the next window. He doesn't understand but his mind begins to calculate. He has always known he could trust her. Does this mean she is a spy in the camp? Is she working for someone else? Can the assassination still go ahead? For a split second he wonders if he should call it in, but decides not to. This is something he will sort out and if need be, he will be the one to deal with her.

She crosses to the other side of the street and he has to change his angle to continue watching her. He cannot see the shop she is looking into. She walks along, again checking her watch, and then crosses back to the side of the street with the better view and he sees her talking to a small girl dressed in red and white. The girl tries to catch Freya's plait and it makes Freya smile.

The girl's mother is not happy and pulls her daughter away but he sees the little girl wave and feels incredibly sad when Freya waves back. Why he should feel so, he doesn't know. Freya then turns back and starts to walk the way she came. She looks at her watch and obviously realises that time has moved on and suddenly she is all business again and is striding back down the street. He follows, knowing he will lose her soon as she turns the corner, heading back to where she is meeting him later.

However, she takes him by surprise and goes into a shop a couple of doors down from the hairdressers where his target will be exiting in about fifteen minutes. He watches. A few moments later she comes out holding a small white bag folded over, about 4" by 4". She looks around and then stuffs the bag in her pocket and then a few minutes later disappears around the corner.

So, has she been sent by someone to pick something up - and if so, is it for Hydra? Or has another party sent her? His heart is racing and he realises his palm is sweaty. This shouldn't happen, it has never happened before on a mission.

He sits back on his haunches, considering the possibilities. In every single one he sees her guilt and wonders what is in the the package. Why did she furtively shove it in her pocket? And what is it?

He is unaware of it but his face becomes grim. His paranoia begins to surface and he knows the end result can only be him having to put a bullet in her brain. He is angered by the way that makes him feel but before he can think any more the phone in his pocket bleeps with a incoming text. The target is on schedule and everything else clears from his mind.

His mission.

The man will have gone into his barbershop for his usual weekly trim and should be exiting soon. The Winter Soldier lines up his shot so he can catch him as he comes out of the doorway. Everything slows and he can see the pavement and doorway through the scope.

As the doorway darkens with a shadow, he recognises his target but at that moment his target chooses to crouch down to tie up his shoelace. The Winter Soldier refocuses on the crouched man and his finger tightens on the trigger but without warning the little girl who had tried to hold onto Freya's plait enters his sights. She is totally oblivious to the man crouching down outside of the hairdressers and almost bumps into him.

Normally the Winter Soldier would have taken the shot and not even considered the girl; the bullet would have gone through her to hit the target but something makes him hesitate for a split second. That is all it takes for her to jump back, and then he presses the trigger and watches as the man's forehead breaks apart.

The Winter Soldier moves back so no one can see him and starts to take his gun apart, ready to move. He takes no notice of what is happening down on the street. He can hear the screams but his mind is now on the next part of what he has been told: the exit plan.

The car is where it should be. He pops the boot and lowers the holdall into it, shuts it, and then he climbs into the car. All the way back to the car he had been watching for anything out of the ordinary, any trap but he sees nothing.

He nods at Freya but doesn't look at her. She starts the car and pulls out. If they are stopped they will look like a normal couple out for a shopping trip. He glances around the inside of the car but there is no sign of the small white package.

He isn't going to ask her anything. Not yet. She is quiet, she knows he will not talk about his mission and really there is not a lot else for the two of them to talk about and she drives to where they are to meet the others.

 **...**

Later that afternoon after mission report, he returns to his rooms. He did not tell them about Freya and that information is still held in his mind, still accessible to him. Whilst he showers she says she will make them a drink. He is not very hungry and nor is she; they will both eat later. She finds it difficult to think that only four hours ago she was in a completely different part of the world, out in the fresh air, and now she is back under the mountain, not knowing when next she will see the seasons, hear the birds, and feel some sense of freedom again.

When he comes out of the bathroom he sits at the table in the kitchen and she places a hot drink for both of them on the surface. She seems a little nervous. He looks back at her and she tries to smile. She then moves over to her jacket hung on the back of the door and fiddles about. He is watching her like a hawk. He knows what she is going to bring out but he doesn't know __what__ it is. His right hand moves so he can hold the gun he slipped under the table.

She turns back to him and sits back at the table. The small white package is in her hand.

"I know I shouldn't have...but I bought this. Please don't tell anyone," the words all come out in a rush as she unfolds the bag. She keeps her voice quiet, hoping it will not be picked up on any recording devices that may be planted in the room.

He is confused. He wasn't expecting this to be such a mundane thing.

She has bought him a present.

"My father is... _ _was__ English, and this was his favourite. When my mother was unwell he used to ask me to bake it for him. It's called Flapjack." She is holding a square of some type of biscuit or cake. It looks like it is made from hardened oatmeal. There are two pieces of it.

He doesn't know whether to laugh or shoot her for the scare she has given him.

He lets go of the gun and rests his hand on the table instead. He doesn't say a word because he doesn't know what to say.

"I know we're not supposed to have anything like this but I thought just this once..." She looks at him, and then breaks the first piece of Flapjack in half; offers it to him.

 _ _Poisoned?__ he thinks.

She can almost read his mind and her smile vanishes. She breaks a bit off and puts it in her mouth and chews.

"It's okay. I haven't poisoned it." She means it as a joke, but he is serious.

He takes a piece, studies it and then, because he trusts her more than he knows, he puts it into his mouth.

"My father said it was the only thing he missed about England but I knew he was joking. I think he missed it more than we knew," she says.

The Soldier cannot believe how good it tastes and cannot help but take another lump. Because he is so quiet she thinks she needs to explain in more detail.

"He came over to Russia to teach English and fell in love with my mother. It wasn't possible for her to go back to England with him so he married her and stayed in Russia. They loved each other very much." Her eyes have misted as she thinks about them, wondering how their lives were once she had been taken away. Deep down she knows neither of them would have missed her. They would have resumed their daily routine, her father looking after her mother, loving her no matter what because she was his world. Perhaps it was a good thing that she had never become a mother herself. Perhaps she would have made her child just as unhappy and unloved as they had made her.

The Winter Soldier studies her as she talks. He doesn't think he has ever known anything about her; he thinks she must have loved her parents very much. He can tell by the way she speaks about them. He doesn't know the truth. She __did__ love them but she was more the parent than they ever were.

They finish the Flapjack and he can see she is getting ready to clear up and this is an opportunity he doesn't want to miss. He hasn't said a word until now.

"How did you and I meet?" he asks.

He sees the shock of the question in her eyes and the way she tries to hide it and draws back. He doesn't drop his gaze but continues to look at her.

Her smile has gone. __The age-old dance,__ she thinks.

She looks away and he can see she is trying to think of what to say. He doesn't repeat himself, just waits for her to answer.

"You were a soldier and I was a nurse. We met in a hospital field camp where you were brought in when you were injured," she says, and he can see she is telling him the truth.

"We fell in love?" he asks.

That makes her laugh and she looks at him amused. "No, I fell in love, you...you, I think, loved someone else." He can see it has hurt her to tell him that.

"Who?"

She shrugs and picks up the plate and goes to stand up but he stops her.

"Who was I?" he asks.

"A soldier." She shrugs.

He is quiet for a moment.

"But I'm not Russian," he says and she knows what he is implying. "What was my name?" He sees the fear in her eyes immediately and his grip on her hand increases. He won't let her go. He doesn't realise the fear is for him and what the truth would do to him.

She shakes her head and tries to pull away.

"What's my name?"

"Please let go, you're hurting me," she says.

"Tell me! Tell me my name!"

She looks at him, her eyes clouded with such sorrow.

"The Winter Soldier," she says quietly.

He studies her and can see she cannot tell him. He is in no doubt she knows but she will not tell him even if he threatened to kill her.

"I always hurt you don't I?" he asks, still holding onto her. "Why do you stay with me?"

"Because I love you," she replies. __And because you are my Prince.__

He lets her go, he knows that tomorrow they will wipe away what she has told him. His mission is complete and tomorrow they will both be asleep.

He wonders if it is all worth it. Hydra talks about freedom for the world but they cannot allow him his freedom, his memories. They will not even let him keep one thing. Why? He watches her clear away; he knows now he was wrong to doubt her. He had never thought about the life she lived...or had he, and they had taken that memory away to?

His head begins to hurt and she can see it in his eyes, is expecting it because of the questions he has asked. He has been out too long.

He feels her hands on his shoulders and she starts to massage the muscles.

"Don't think. Don't let them hurt you any more than they do," she whispers and he feels her long fingers work on the tension.

He was wrong. Hydra has let him keep one thing after all.

The date is the tenth of March. It means nothing to him but it does to her. They were both born on the same date four years apart. It is his birthday and he will never know it. She wanted to buy him a cake; just a little thing different to what he normally has. She did not realise it would cost her so dearly.

 **...**

 _ _In an office Freya has never seen but suspects exists, a soldier sits back after listening to the conversation between the woman and the Winter Soldier. For a while he had been concerned.__

 _ _If she had answered the Winter Soldier's questions it would have meant serious trouble. Luckily for both of them that she hadn't, although he thinks it is probably not due to luck. After all the sessions he has heard between the Soldier and his Constant he knows she will not cause the Winter Soldier any more harm than she can help.__

 _ _He finishes up the night's communique.__

 _ _'Nothing of interest to report,' and signs it.__


	62. Chapter 62 - Up Close And Personal

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Sixty-Two:**** ** **The Constant & The Winter Soldier - Up Close And Personal****

You are not supposed to be on a mission with the Winter Soldier.

You are just his exit point.

You ask yourself for the umpteenth time: __How did this happen?__

The room you are in is opulent, and you can tell there is a lot of money here. The other people you are with know exactly what to do. Some have evidently been here before.

You have not.

You should be in a car parked at least five miles from here, waiting for the mission to be completed. You should be in jeans and a top, not a short skirt that keeps rucking up, a blouse with such a low top you can see your bra, lace underwear, stockings and suspenders...for goodness' sake you gave up wearing those a long time ago! You thought they were out of fashion now!

The men have come into the room and Lisa smiles and winks at you. You tug at your skirt again.

"You'll be okay," Lisa whispers, and you wonder how a fifteen year old could be so confident. She shouldn't be here: she should be with parents who love her, attending school with other children, not trying to earn her next days living.

The men who come in are old - not as old as you, of course, but then you don't look your age. They are corpulent, decadent, and disgusting: they are used to having what they want when they want it, and tonight they intend to have you and the four other prostitutes in the room.

William, the man who brought you all here, knows who is for who and he matches you all up. One wanted a young girl – Lisa is fifteen but looks twelve and who can tell the difference? Two didn't have any preferences - Paula and Michelle – and a third is into boys – Martyn. __Call me Marty.__

And then there are the two who like to share and wanted Russian meat.

You.

You are introduced to them but you are not told their names. Your name is to be Anna and you are told to say something to them in Russian. William makes the introductions and smiles at them. He is Hydra. He knows why you are here.

What do you say? Do they even understand Russian? From their accents you believe they are American but you are not sure.

"Good evening gentlemen. It is a nice evening out there," you hazard stupidly. William ducks his head but the two men smile and nudge each other. You realise they don't speak the language but they love to hear it. They imagine you are saying something quite different. Something dirty.

William taps you gently on the back to move you forward and you end up sitting between them.

William takes his leave. The door closes behind him, and you and the other prostitutes are alone with your clients. Two bodyguards at the door inside and two outside. More roaming the house and gardens. These men are important, at the top of their game, their safety is of utmost importance. The room is on the ground floor and there is an open doorway onto a terrace with a few steps that lead down to the garden. Two bodyguards patrol the terrace.

But Hydra wants these men out of the way. Hydra wants them dead.

In the handbag you have with you is a small device. It looks just like a compact mirror but will blank out all communications in the area. It is on a timer set for five minutes.

You just have to survive those five minutes.

Around you the men are beginning to enjoy their purchases. Lisa is actually sat on her customer's lap, curled up. Martyn, __call me Marty,__ is knelt on the sofa next to his man. You are not sure what the other two are getting up to. Your stomach is cramped, you are sweating, and you feel sick.

The men either side of you turn slightly so they can see you. You feel trapped. They smell and their flesh looks pale and slimy. How can you touch them? How can you let them touch you? Just how far will things get before they are taken out?

You try to smile as one of them runs his hand down your arm and the other one reaches over and puts his hand down your blouse to paw at your breast. He can feel the lace of the cup and his other hand comes up to push the back of your head so he can lean in and kiss you. The other man, meanwhile, has let his hand run down your arm and it is now on your thigh, moving up and under your skirt. His arm is up on the back of the sofa and he too is leaning so he can kiss you, sharing you with his friend.

You are going to suffocate. You can feel them touching you, the hand on the back of your head has you in a firm hold and the man's lips are pressing against yours, his tongue trying to get into your mouth. You can't do it. You can't do this. You try to move but they increase the pressure of their hold and the man's hand pulls roughly at the lace until he has your breast free and his fingers are crushing your nipple.

You try to pull away, the man with his hand on your thigh has taken one of your hands and put it on his lap. No. Not on his lap. His flies are open and he has put it inside on his erection.

You are going to be sick. You really cannot do this.

You hear a noise that sounds like a gun shot in the distance and then all hell breaks loose.

It is as if it happens in slow motion, you are trying to get up and away and your eyes are looking at Martyn as he is just across from you. He looks as though he is enjoying his company but looks can be deceiving; he is a rent boy, he is paid to look as if it is enjoyable.

Suddenly he jumps back in disbelief as his customer's head explodes, splattering him with blood and gore and then before you can take it in Martyn's head explodes as well, his body falls backwards and you can now see the patio doors.

The Winter Soldier is there, stepping in but you have never seen him like this. The sight of him paralyses you, his whole face is covered: you cannot even see his eyes, you do not even recognise the way he is moving. It is like he has become another person. He is a killing machine. Nothing more. His arm is raised and the shots have come from his weapon. He is not just frightening. He is terrifying.

The two bodyguards at the door behind you don't even get a chance to get their weapons out before they are shot, their bodies thrown back against the door, dead before they even hit the ground.

The Winter Soldier swings to the left and shoots straight through Paula and Michelle both who are straddling their customers. The shots take them through the heart and the bullets continue straight though to the targets. Their bodies slump forward and the men's heads hang off the back of the sofa they are on, blood already beginning to splatter down to the floor.

Lisa is screaming. She has jumped to her feet but has frozen. Her customer pulls her back so her body covers his. The Winter Soldier takes aim and you try to shout at him.

"No!"

But he doesn't hear you. He is on mission.

He fires three shots. One goes through Lisa and two others hit the man as she falls away. She sits on the floor, hand clutched to the wound in her midriff.

As you jump up one of your men stands up behind you and grabs at you, putting his arm around your throat and holding you in front of him. You try to shake him off; he may be fat, but he is strong. The Winter Soldier has turned and his gun bucks and the man left on the sofa is dead.

The gun is now trained on you and any second now the Soldier will fire. You do not recognise the man in front of you. You have never seen him on mission before. Never seen the utter lack of compassion. He is a stone cold killer.

You can hear the man whimpering behind you, pulling you this way and that as the gun moves to sight his target and then the Soldier fires and you feel a burning sensation across the top of your shoulder. There is a grunt from behind you and as he falls backwards he takes you with him. You watch the Winter Soldier walk towards you. You struggle to try and get away as the Winter Soldier comes closer. The man underneath you is still alive, mewling.

The Winter Soldier now stands over the two of you. You don't know if he recognises you as he raises his gun to fire. You struggle and pull away just as the gun goes off again. If you hadn't moved you think the bullet would have killed you as well as the target.

The Winter Soldier's attention is on you now. He is assessing __you.__ You are not one of those to be killed on this mission, you present no danger, you have no weapon, and his hand drops to his side.

You hear more voices as some of the Winter Soldier's team come in through the terrace. There is a continual banging on the door followed by gun shots outside in the corridor and then there is silence. The Winter Soldier's eyes sweep the room. All the men are accounted for.

He moves away from you.

The smell of blood and discharged weapons is strong and everywhere you look there seems to be blood. Only the men were supposed to be killed and in your naivety you thought the prostitutes would be safe, but no. They were in the way of the kill and therefore were disposed of. If you hadn't moved at the last moment would you would be lying dead amongst them?

You see a movement out of the corner of your eye but so does the Winter Soldier. It is Lisa. She is clutching at her stomach and trying to crawl across the floor. She is crying and the pain in her face is terrible to behold.

You scrabble to your feet. The Winter Soldier has assessed the woman is of no danger and he turns away from her.

"Lisa," you whisper as you kneel down beside her, trying to see the damage, trying to stop the bleeding.

You look back at the Winter Soldier and his men.

"Please help me. Please. We need to stop her bleeding," you cry, and for a moment they stop talking and look at you.

"Anna," Lisa's voice is so weak. She clutches your hand now as you try to stem the blood flow.

Those beautiful eyes of hers are closing. The light is going out of them.

"No, hang on Lisa, please don't...I'll get help...I'll..." she tries to hang on to you but it is too late and she dies as the promise of help leaves your lips.

You stare at her face. "Lisa...Lisa...?"

You feel a hand on your shoulder. It is Felix Bauer, the Team Leader.

"She's gone," he says.

He can see the pain and shock in your eyes. You turn back to her and try to shrug his hand off your shoulder.

"Freya. We need to go. We have to get out of here," he says, and forcefully pulls you up and makes you look at him.

"I can't leave her here," you say.

"You must. Pull yourself together," he shakes you. "We need to leave. Go through the patio doors, get in the van, and wait there. We'll be with you in a minute." He lets go of you, but you don't move. "Go!" He pushes you to the patio doors and you stumble out into the night air, shivering more from shock than cold.

You didn't look at the Winter Soldier. You couldn't.

So this is this what he is like 'on mission.' He becomes a different creature, almost an automaton, no compassion, nothing but a cold efficient killing machine. He is just there to get a job done, and unless it is stated in the parameters, civilian casualties do not matter. You don't believe he even knew __you__ and you think he would have shot straight through you to get to his mark.

How frightening a sight he is to be the last person someone ever sees in this world. The true dark angel of death. How could you of been so innocent? How could you not have considered the bloodshed? Did you think the assassinations would be a simple bullet through the forehead, a small hole and a trickle of blood? You who have worked with war casualties. You know the destruction weapons can cause.

Stupid, so stupid. And the fear in those people's faces. In Lisa's. The way you all froze, the shock of it.

You stumble down the steps onto the lawn. You have lost your shoes on the way and the cool wet grass makes you slip. You stop yourself from falling and carry on until you hit the tarmac of the road. The team's vehicle is sat in front of you. A midnight blue van. In the back are two lots of seats facing each other. You travelled in it to meet up with William and after it left you with him it went to collect the Winter Soldier and his team. You remember the critical eye William passed over you. Was it really only five hours ago?

"Hmm. Are those the only clothes you have?" had been his first question to you. You were dressed in jeans and a simple top.

Felix had reminded him that you were filling in, a last minute switch after William had discovered his Russian prostitute dead from a drug overdose. They needed to send someone in to carry the blocker, the dead prostitute had worked with Hydra before and they could trust her. The others they were using weren't known to them. You were the only choice; you were already with the team for the exit strategy. You had argued with him. You didn't want to go, you didn't want to be used. Felix had promised you would only be in there for ten minutes at the most, and that no harm would come to you. He didn't bank on you becoming friends with the people you travelled with in such a short time. Especially Lisa.

From somewhere they had come up with a black outfit which was even shorter than normal on you because you are tall. Lisa had helped you dress. When she had seen your plait she had been ecstatic. You were slightly dazed by her enthusiasm; she had wanted to be a hairdresser, to own her own salon one day. She was so full of life, had all these plans of what she was going to do when she had saved up enough money.

Whilst she worked on your hair she asked you questions about yourself. She thought it was funny that you did not seem to know what you were doing. When you told her you were new to the game she believed you. After all you weren't lying: you have only ever slept with one man, James Barnes.

You liked her. She deserved a better life than the one she had.

She had deserved a better death.

The tarmac is pulling at your stockinged feet. You stumble past the vehicle and carry on walking down the road to the gates. You don't hear Vadik hailing you, trying to get you back; he can't leave the vehicle until the rest of the team return and he doesn't know where you are going.

You carry on, stumbling, around the curve in the drive, the bushes now starting to crowd in on the side of the road making it difficult in the dark to see where you are going.

Your mind is so far away you do not see the path light up or hear the roar of one of the vans as it passes you and screeches to a halt. The back doors open and Felix gets out, angry.

"I told you to get in the van!" He takes your arm but you just keep going, stumbling. And if he hadn't of stopped you, you would have just kept walking.

"Freya!" He sees the vacant look in your eyes, shock, and for the first time he is worried. "Freya," he says more gently.

You look at him. Eyes wide.

"He shot her...he just...shot her...he shot them all. They shouldn't have died. They can't have been his mission, they were just...people...ordinary people..." you say.

"Come on," Felix says quietly. After all, what more can he say?

He takes your arm and pulls you to the back of the van and you stumble again; he catches you and pushes you into the van but you hit your knees on the floor and Jason has to come forward to pull you in all the way.

Felix jumps in behind you, and knocks on the side to tell Vadik to drive.

Jason sits you down on the seat opposite the Winter Soldier and you recoil, he fastens your seat belt and then sits down himself next to the Winter Soldier.

Felix sits next to you. You do not know the other two men in the van.

The Winter Soldier takes no notice of you. He sits reloading one of his guns, always ensuring he is armed, that he is always dangerous. He is no longer wearing the mask and goggles.

"Are you all right?" Felix asks you quietly. He is worried about the look in your eyes.

You don't reply. He notices your torn blouse.

"Did they hurt you?" he asks and you know that he means the men.

You don't reply. Instead you stare at the Winter Soldier. He is there, so close, dressed in black like the rest of them, his jacket done up tightly. How many times have you helped him dress in it? His metal arm bearing the red star at the top, his weapons in place, his long hair falling over his face as he reloads and then he moves back to put the gun in his belt and you see his face.

You know that face so well. The eyes which at the moment are black pits and he needs a shave, there is a scratch on his cheek, and then suddenly he is looking at you.

You lean forward.

"You killed a fifteen year old girl back there when you didn't need to," you say between gritted teeth.

His expression doesn't change.

"Did you hear me?" you ask.

He looks at you for a moment.

"Yes," he says simply.

You recoil. What did you expect? Remorse?

"You could have let them all live," you say.

"They were in the way of the shot," he says.

Felix puts his hand on yours. What you don't know is that, if the prostitutes had lived, then the clear-up crew with the team would have taken them down anyway. That's what the other two men with them are for, clean up duty.

You have lived through war, seen the carnage, the waste of life. You have lived through what they did to James Barnes to turn him into this soldier. But you can't understand why Lisa had to die, why the others had to. All because someone somewhere wanted __other__ people dead.

You move your hand away from Felix and look away.

The rest of the journey is made in silence.

It takes hours to get back to base and when you do they take the Winter Soldier off for mission report.

Felix walks with you back to your room. He hasn't looked at you properly so when you enter and put the light on he can see how dishevelled you are and for the first time sees you are injured. The blouse you are wearing bears a large burn mark on the shoulder and he can see it goes through to your skin. There is hardly any blood as the bullet has cauterised the flesh as it skimmed you. It barely hurts.

"I didn't realise," he says and you shrug.

"I was in the way. If I hadn't moved, I would be dead," you say and he hears the tightness in your voice.

He closes the door behind you both. He hasn't known you for long but he knows how much you love the man who is the Winter Soldier. He cannot guess what it must of been like for you both back in the forties when it had all started. God, he was even born until the sixties!

"I'm sorry you had to be there. I'm sorry you had to see him like that. He would not have killed you; he recognised you as one of our team. If he hadn't, you would be dead."

You walk into the kitchen area and sit down at the table. You don't think your legs can hold you up any more.

He follows and sits down.

Your eyes feel heavy and gritty. You feel dirty. You are so tired.

"When you bring him back..." you start your voice quiet, "he is different...he doesn't look the way he did tonight, he was so cold, so unrelenting. I was terrified of him, nothing would have stopped him."

Felix nods. "I shouldn't tell you this..." he knows there will be people listening, but what he is going to say he feels is all right for you to know. "When we leave here for a mission he changes, it is all to do with his programming. He is not the...man you know...nothing else is in his mind. It is his mission and that is all, he has to get it completed, it is what drives him, its what they want. Then when it's over, you see him for a short time if you are his exit point. He is winding down by then. Then we come back and he goes for mission report and that..." he looks around for the word, "kind of... _ _resets__ him...once he has reported, the information is no longer there for him to access. His mind seems to undergo some change. When he comes back to you he doesn't know if there were civilian casualties, he doesn't know how many people he has killed. All he knows is his mission was completed."

You look at Felix. Really, deep down you know this.

Mission Report is a failsafe.

"Look. Have a shower, get cleaned up. I'll try and delay him coming back, give you time to be by yourself." Felix gets up. It's been a long day and you can see the tiredness in his eyes.

He nods to you and then walks to the door and opens it.

"Felix," you say.

He looks back at you.

"I will never go on any other missions, do you understand? I don't mind being there for the exit but...you will not use me ever again. Do you understand? __Never,__ " there is steel in your voice.

"I hear you," he says, and goes to say something else but changes his mind.

 _ _If only that could be true,__ he thinks, __if only I were in the position to promise her that.__

"Goodnight," he says, and closes the door behind him.

You look around the room. You feel as if, once again, your life has changed. You feel so empty, so hollow.

The Winter Soldier comes back just after 3am. You thought you would be asleep but you are not.

Thoughts keep going around and around in your mind: the laughter of the group of people when William drove you to the house. Lisa telling you her dreams of a better future. Your own naivete and how stupid you were.

But each time your thoughts come back to him and that is when you cry. James would hate to see what he had become. When he starts to regain his memories each time, when he starts to remember who you really are there is such a sadness in him. He used to have terrible nightmares after each mission and you realise now that he doesn't have them so frequently. Is that when they changed his mission reports? To stop those memories surfacing in his subconscious dreams?

What if one day he remembers it all? It would tear him apart.

You are curled up in your own bed and you have left his lamp on. You have made up your mind that you will sleep on your own bed tonight, something you have not done since you came to this base. You hear the door open and close and you turn over to look at him. He is stood by his bed. He was expecting to see you in it. He turns to look at you, stands there, doesn't move, and you can't ignore him, cannot ignore the look on his face, in his eyes. You get up and go over to him. You want to hate him but you can't. This isn't the same man that was in that hellish room with you; this one is still cold, still distant, but there is no violence in him.

He is tired you can see it in his eyes. He is always this way. The mission uses so much adrenaline, the mission report drains him further, and now you know why.

You suggest he takes a shower whilst you get him a drink but he shakes his head to the drink and instead takes your hand and leads you to the bathroom with him. You start to undress him. His jacket will need cleaning; there are dried blood and sweat stains, and his trousers are in the same state.

You start the shower whilst he takes off his underwear and then you take off your nightdress and get in with him. You know he doesn't want you there for sex. He wants the company, wants to feel you wash him down, help get him get clean, this has happened many times before.

You have to stand on tip toe to help wash his hair, and then you soap the sponge and glide it over his body and as you do you feel his muscles relax. You need to wipe down the metal arm and the plates. The cloth you use is covered in blood at the end of it. Other people's blood. You try not to think about it.

Afterwards you help dry each other and not a word has been spoken. You put the light out in the bathroom and follow him back to his bed. Both of you collapse into it. You are barely awake and he curls up besides you and is asleep in minutes.

 **...**

You don't think you will sleep but you do because hours later you are woken by the Winter Soldier's nightmares and you have to shake him awake. His skin is slick with sweat, his hair wet, heat radiating off his body and you hear him actually call your name.

He comes awake fast, clutching for you, holding on so tight as if he can't believe you are there.

"Hey, it's okay," you say, quietly, as you stroke his hair and try to calm him.

"I nearly killed you. I thought I had killed you...how?" he stutters looking into your eyes, his hands still clutching at you.

"No you didn't, I'm here. It's just a bad dream, that's all."

You kiss his forehead and he looks over your face then your body and you see the crease between his eyes when he sees the mark on your shoulder where his bullet scraped you.

You see where he is looking.

"Just a small burn. An accident I had..." you can't lie to him, but you __can__ omit the truth.

He seems to relax and now it is his turn to stroke your hair and kiss your forehead.

"We both need to sleep, come on, lie down," you say quietly, curling back down under the covers, and this time he takes you in his arms and you are both asleep in minutes.

Felix reports to Alex Pierce that the mission was a success but mentions your reluctance to be used for future missions other than for exit points.

Pierce looks at him for a long minute. "If I decide she is to be used for missions then she will be used...do I make myself clear?" his voice is tight, authoritative.

"Sir," Felix nods.

Pierce looks at him. "If she is going to be a problem, let me know. Understand?"

"Sir," Felix nods again.

Pierce dismisses him and he is glad to get away.

He hates this goddamn job sometimes.


	63. Chapter 63 - Time Out

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Sixty-Three:**** ** **The Constant & The Winter Soldier - Time Out****

The car is making a strange clunking noise, and as it slows you pull into an open air car park at the side of the road.

The Winter Soldier looks at you as you turn the engine off.

"Well. That didn't sound good," you say, trying to keep your voice neutral. This has never happened previously. Whenever you have been used as an exit point for the Winter Soldier the vehicles may have looked pre-worn but are always highly maintained and have never broken down before.

"I'll need to call in," you say, reaching for the phone.

He stops you and looks around, so do you. It is a large car park. There are two other cars parked nearby. One car is surrounded by a family, mother and father trying to collect and put all the kids in the car. They look sunburnt; obviously tourists getting in all the sites before they head back to their normal lives.

The other car is old, deserted, and gives no clues as to the owners. A layer of dust indicates it may have been there a while. Abandoned.

There is also a van to one side selling some kind of hot food.

He looks back at you and you have noticed his shoulders have relaxed. There is no danger here.

He takes his hand away and you pick up the phone and climb out of the car. You know he is watching your every move. You stay within a close distance of the car so he can hear you calling in and asking for assistance.

After Felix has tried to get some details from you, he realises it's pointless to ask you what was wrong with the car. His long-suffering tone finally interrupts you.

"Well __clunk clunk__ tells me a lot Freya."

"Well that's the noise it was making at the front," you say defensively.

You finish the call and lean back into the car. "Felix is sending another vehicle but it will take a little while as it's quite a way from us. Needless to say they're not too happy." You would think that as this is to do with the Winter Soldier's safety they would have something closer.

It's no good getting the Winter Soldier to look at the engine and he doesn't even try. He is good with assassinations, bombs and electronics but a mere car repair wasn't called for in his job description and he wouldn't know where to start. Or so you had been told.

You are sure that the man buried deep in him would know what to do. James Barnes would know what to do.

The car park is on a ledge above a glorious view of the city below. It has obviously been designated a tourist spot and picnic benches have been placed here and there.

You get back into the car, but your plan is to get him out of it and over to the view.

"As it's going to be a bit of a wait, we may as well get out and stretch our legs. Act like normal people."

He looks at you and again you can't tell what is going through his mind.

"Not a good idea," he says, holding up his arm. The jacket he has on has no sleeve.

"Take the jacket off, I've got something in the back here." You reach into the back and pull forward a red and black chequered shirt. You always have a change of clothes in case you are stopped with him in the car. You should have made him put them on the minute he met you.

Everything you do is to keep him safe.

"Put this on. With that and your gloves, no one should take any notice."

He is still watching you and you can see him assessing the situation, but to your relief he removes his jacket and slips the shirt on instead. It's always a little tight over his left arm but it does the job. He tucks his gun into the small of his back and pulls the shirt down over it. Then you pull out an elastic band from your pocket and lean in close to touch him. He pulls away frowning.

"It's okay. You just need to put your hair up, you'll look more like you __belong__ then." You smile and hold the band up. He thinks for a moment but sees the logic in your suggestion; he reaches for the band and puts his hair into a ponytail.

You can't help it. He looks heart-stopping, so long as you don't look at his eyes and you hope the smile doesn't show on your face. How could this person be such a ruthless assassin? You are reminded of the person he was, the person you briefly met back at the field hospital all those years ago.

Before his eyes changed. Before he became the Winter Soldier.

"Come on. It will do you good!" You don't wait for an answer. You climb out of the car and wait for him to join you. As he gets out and heads around the car you slowly walk over to see the view. When he approaches you are so very aware of him.

You realise he is looking at you; you turn towards him. In the background the family have finally gotten into their car and driven out of the car park. Other than the person in the food van you are alone.

So far he has let you make the decisions, and you wonder how long that will last.

"Beautiful isn't it," you gesture to the view and he turns to look at it but doesn't answer. You both stand there for a few moments drinking it in. The sun is warm on your face and you can hear birds singing and crickets making music. You wonder what is going through that mind of his. Whose eyes is he looking through.

You turn to look behind you and gesture over to the food van.

"Hungry?" you ask, turning back to look at him. At first you don't think he hears you but then he turns around and looks at you, a slight frown on his face.

"You have food in the car?" he asks.

Not this time, no.

"No, but I have money and I can buy us something to eat." You gesture to one of the benches near by.

"Sit down and I'll go and get us something."

Again the Winter Soldier surveys everything around and in the car park. If there is a threat, he can't see it.

He walks to the bench and sits with his back to the view as he knows nothing can get up the slope behind him and from where he is sat he can see the whole car park.

You walk over to the van. There is a single guy inside. His apron announces his name is Ron of __Ron's Best Food Around.__ He looks about twelve. He puts down the magazine he is reading - or should you say looking at - you don't believe there are any words on display in it, other than maybe names and bust sizes.

He looks up. "Help you?"

You look at the menu taped to the side of the window and you order two hot dogs and two Cokes - Diet as you don't want to whack the Asset out on sugar. You know he has not had such a thing as a fizzy drink for seventy years. You shouldn't even know what a Coke is but one day Maggie smuggled you one in and you have a taste for them now.

Whilst you wait you pretend you don't know that the Winter Soldier is watching every move you make. You cannot believe your luck with the car breaking down. It creates a legitimate reason to delay him being returned to his masters. A legitimate reason to take the opportunity to remind him he is human and there is a whole world out here.

Ron passes you the food, straws, and napkins in a cardboard holder and you pay and thank him. He goes back to his magazine. To him you are just a couple taking in one of the many views around here. He won't even remember serving you by tonight.

You walk to the picnic table carrying the food, concentrating on not dropping anything. The Winter Soldier's eyes have followed you all the way, every step, everything you do. It always makes you so nervous when he does that.

You lay one of the hot dogs in front of him with the Diet Coke and a couple of napkins. He looks at it as if he has never seen one in his life.

He looks up, frowning.

"Its a hot dog. Trust me you'll like it." You smile, sit down and take a bite out of yours.

He watches you eat and then making up his mind takes a bite out of his.

You watch him but don't make it too obvious. Back at the base the food is of nutritional value only and he has eaten that way for seventy years. Sometimes the food is so bland it can make you gag.

At first you think he might spit it out but then you realise he is actually devouring it. Some of the onions fall out onto the napkin and he scoops them up and crams them back in, in less than a minute the hot dog has gone, you have never seen him eat so fast. It's like watching a starving animal. You should have bought more.

He picks up the Diet Coke and ignores the straw; instead he takes the top off and takes a gulp.

"No wait!" you go to stop him but you are too late. He has drunk a load down and the bubbles have gone up his nose and he is coughing, spilling some of the Coke onto the table. You go to help but he holds up his hand and coughs until he can breathe again. You continue to eat trying not to laugh. You can't help it.

He looks at you and your heart could melt at the look on his face. In some ways the Winter Soldier is so dangerous, but in other ways he is an innocent. You then realise he is not looking at you but at the remaining part of your hot dog.

"Would you like another one?"

He nods and you brush your hands off and go to buy two more. You come back with them and he eats all of the first and most of the second one - which was supposed to be yours.

All the while this has been going on, you have been watching the time closely. "I just need to check up on what is happening and I've left the phone in the car. Won't be a minute." You get up but realise he is more focused on eating than on what you are doing. It amazes you and if you let it, it could also overwhelm you with pity.

You get back to the car and phone in again. You are supposed to give them an update every fifteen minutes and you are slightly late. You explain it away by saying the area you are in is a known black spot. Even with today's technology if the satellite isn't there you cannot use it.

You know it won't be long before the team arrives to collect their asset and, looking over at the Winter Soldier, you feel such an overwhelming sense of despair for how they treat him and the fact that he does not know who or what he is. You know escape is out of the question. You wouldn't even know where to begin.

You go back and sit with him. "They should be here any minute," you say.

He nods. Having his hair up makes him look younger and vulnerable and you remember what he looked like with shorter hair. They won't let you cut his hair any shorter; they don't give you a reason but you believe it is in case one day he recognises himself in a reflection.

You are both quiet for a moment and you see him turn to watch a large bird overhead, soaring on one of the thermals. What is he thinking?

You want to talk to him. This is the first time in a while you have been so totally alone with him but you don't know what to say. You try out several topics in your mind but at the end of the day you know he probably wouldn't respond to any of them and also you don't want him to have sensory overload. His masters are going to be pissed enough as it is without you adding more problems.

"I suppose we had better get back in the car," you say - and then mutter: "don't want them to think we are enjoying ourselves, God forbid." You don't think he hears, but he does.

Ten minutes later a large black SUV pulls into the car park. They have arrived. You know they have clocked the situation and that there appears to be no danger. You both get out of the car and you see Kostin and Lewis walking over to you. Atkins is fetching a tool box from the boot. You are just about to walk forward to meet them but just before you do the Winter Soldier catches your arm and leans in close.

He looks slightly worried and your senses jolt. Is there a problem?

You are startled by his question. "Those things we just ate. They weren't really __dog__ were they?"

There is such an innocence in the question. You forget all the many small things he has forgotten, the knowledge and memories they have taken from him. The little things.

You shake your head.

"No they were pork," you say quietly.

He looks at you. "Good..." he murmurs something else but you still hear it: "Because I like dogs and I wouldn't want to eat one...that wouldn't be right."

For a moment you forget yourself and the shock shows on your face but he is no longer looking at you. He has turned away.

His team have reached you. They are not happy, and their abrupt manner is obvious. The Winter Soldier goes with Kostin and Lewis. Looking back over his shoulder though he sees Atkins talking to you.

"You're with me," Daniel says to you. "Start the car so I can hear what the problem is." You can tell from their attitude they are not wholly convinced the car really did break down. If it hasn't, then they know they have a problem with you. Although you have worked as an exit point before and have even been on mission once with them, you have never gained the same closeness you had with the Winter Soldier's previous team – that, you hope, may change in the future. Felix though is sure of you, otherwise you would never be allowed the tiny bit of freedom you have. The rest of the team need to make up their own minds.

For a moment you can see the Winter Soldier is tempted to stop and come back for you but you shake your head slightly and try to smile. You turn away as if you are unconcerned, but your heart is beating rapidly. Daniel by now has the hood up and trying to remain calm, you tell him the noise you heard and how the power was draining from the engine. It is a legitimate breakdown and Daniel agrees with you that there was nothing you could have done. He walks over and has a word with the others and then the SUV drives away and you are left with Daniel.

The hot sun gives you a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You hope Ron had cooked the pork properly. Maybe the hot dogs weren't such a good idea after all because you and the Winter Soldier are not used to rich food. You pray silently he will be all right.

 **...**

Later, when you get back you hear that the Winter Soldier was sick on the way back to the base. They had had to stop the car and get him out. He was puking on the side of the road. You are expecting to be reprimanded for the food that you gave him but you soon realise he has not told them.

You were ready to apologise but deep down you were determined to have the Winter Soldier experience situations that have been withheld from him. That was the first time he had ever been out of contact with his handler's for so long, the first time he had eaten food that wasn't just a bland mass of vitamins. Letting him have a few minutes of quietness, letting him see the view across the embankment and listen to the song of the countryside was worth any dressing down you got. Just watching his face as he tasted the different flavours was worth the trouble you knew you would be in when you got back.

But he had covered for you. He has your back.

When you return to your quarters you think he is already asleep in bed. It is late and you have had a long day. You undress quietly and pad through to the shower. You don't see him turn to watch you, relief on his face, the tenseness drains out of his whole body. He hadn't been sure they were bringing you back, and that he would ever see you again.

 _ _He waits for the bathroom door to close before he closes his eyes and falls asleep.__


	64. Chapter 64 - The Wife & Her Brother

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Sixty-Four:**** ** **The Constant & The Winter Soldier - The Wife & Her Brother****

 _ _John and Kate Martins are twins, but not identical. They share the same colouring, the same green eyes...and same ruthless cruel streak. As orphans they learnt early on in life to live and survive on their wits, their charms and to only trust each other.__

 _ _Hydra propelled them into money and power and now in their early thirties they have both. They are rising stars within the ranks of Hydra. They have killed, beaten, maimed and corrupted others. They have destroyed lives and taken everything from people. But they are easily bored, easily frustrated and so they continue to work for Hydra, continue to feed their cruel temperaments. They have worked together many times, slept together, done a lot of things together that no brother and sister should do.__

 _ _This weekend, a double assassination. Only this time they will not be doing the killing. They will be watching. Kate has always had a fascination for the man they call the Winter Soldier, has always wanted to meet him, and they have put themselves in such a position that they can work with him on this mission.__

 _ _John has told Kate what happened the previous night at the cabin when he and his team had arrived. So the Winter Soldier thinks he is stronger than them, does he? She would take that to heart if she had one. But she doesn't, nor does her brother. They like a challenge. The Winter Soldier has a job to do and they will ensure that he does it...but, why not have a little fun on the side at the same time?__

 _ _After all, isn't that what living is about?__

 **...**

So here you are, trapped by snow in a cabin God only knows where. You can feel the tension in the air between the Winter Soldier's team and the new American team that have just arrived. The leader is cocky. He's in his early thirties, pumped up. That the teams do not like each other is obvious and you wonder if they have ever worked together before. The answer to that would be no.

"The pass is closed but should be open again in the morning. We'll just have to cosy on down until then," John Martins, the leader, says to the Winter Soldier – but he looks at you and winks.

You look away.

The Winter Soldier looks at you and then back at the leader. He doesn't say a word.

You can see it unsettles Martins that the Winter Soldier does not reply. He is used to using his charm and bonhomie on both men and women. He tries again, the grin on his face is man to man.

"It looks like you're going to be warm tonight. Even brought your own __blanket.__ " The grin on his face is pure smut and he nods to the Winter Soldier who turns to look at you again.

He turns back to Martins. "Why? Do you want her?" he asks quietly.

You try not to look shocked. Perhaps you did not hear correctly. He cannot have just offered you to the Americans?

Martins grins, thinks he has scored. His team nudge each other. You see behind them your team are unsettled by this new turn. If Felix was here he would probably say something, nip this in the bud.

"Well now, thats very kind of you. Been a while since we shared, hasn't it boys?" One of them says he has never tasted Russian before. They smirk and look at each other.

You feel your face going red. What is he playing at? There is no way you will __go__ with anyone except him, he knows that, surely he does not mean what he said.

An awful thought crosses your mind. What if he does tell you to go with them? You have been brought along on this mission as an __assistant.__ No one has actually told you what that means, or what role you are to play.

The Winter Soldier shrugs as if to say __go ahead__ and takes a step to the side leaving you alone. You back up until the back of your legs hit the table. There is no where else to go. You do not realise it but your team have their hands on their gun grips; they do not understand what the Winter Soldier is playing at any more than you do.

Martins steps forward until the personal space between the two of you doesn't exist any more and looks you slowly up and down. He is around the same height as you, beefy but a pretty boy, long dark lashes frame green eyes.

"Of course..." continues the Winter Soldier, "if you touch her I will personally remove any part of you that you touch her with."

Martins hand is in the air, but it is quickly withdrawn.

"Huh?" he says and the Winter Soldier steps forward to where he was, effectively cutting Martins off from his team.

"I will cut off any part of you that touches her. I will kill you if you even breathe the same air as her, and I will take out your eyes if you even look at her." He plays with a knife as he speaks. His team stand up behind the other Americans, guns in hand.

You feel sick. For a moment you thought he was going to go ahead and let this man have you.

Martins backs up, hands in the air.

"Hey, no problem! Let's calm things down here shall we." He realises now this Winter Soldier is deadly; there is nothing in his eyes or on his face but his voice leaves no doubt. He will kill.

 _ _'I can wait,'__ thinks Martins smiling to himself. _ _'I can wait.'__

The Winter Soldier nods to his team and they relax but he keeps hold of his knife and the Americans back right off. They have realised something else about the Winter Soldier. He is American; there is a Brooklyn accent there in the background of his tone, they would recognise it anywhere. They had always assumed the fabled Winter Soldier was Russian.

They walk away to the other side of the room and none of them will look at you.

You move out from where you are and without looking at the Winter Soldier you leave the room and go into the only bedroom the cabin has and close the door. You sit on the edge of the bed, gritting your teeth. You honestly thought for a moment he was going to let them have you. Why? Why did he do that?

After a quarter of an hour the Winter Soldier enters. Everyone is turning in after arranging look-out shift rota. They do not use him for this.

You are still sat on the edge of the bed and when he comes in he comes over but you refuse to look at him, to even speak to him. You stand and go to move to the chair and he stops you by grabbing your arm. You swing around and slap him and he is genuinely surprised. He releases you and you back up to the bottom of the bed against the metal bed post.

"How dare you," your voice is low but he can hear how upset you are. You are trembling with anger.

He just looks at you puzzled and that makes you angrier.

"Why? Why did you do that?" you keep your voice low as you do not want the others to hear you.

He still doesn't speak.

"I thought...I thought you were going to let them take me," your voice wavers and you clear your throat.

"Why would I do that?" he asks, puzzled.

You don't know what to say.

"You are mine. You belong to me," he says simply, and that makes the anger fire up again.

"Oh, and is that the only reason you don't just give me away when you feel like it...because I belong to you? I'm your __property__?"

He is quiet for a minute and studies you. You hate it when he is like this; you don't know what he is thinking.

"Did you want to go with them?" he asks.

You close your eyes. After all this time you thought he understood you, you thought he understood the relationship between you both.

You open your eyes and look at him.

"How can you think that? How can you even ask that?" Your eyes search his. There is no clue there. You try to move away but he is so close. He takes hold of your arm again.

"They wanted you, I could see it in their eyes when they came in. We need them for this mission but I needed to let them know you were totally out of bounds. I would never let them hurt you. I would never let anyone hurt you...did you think I wouldn't protect you? Did you think I wouldn't have your back?" his voice is quiet, sad somehow.

You say nothing You have totally misunderstood the situation and he cannot understand how.

You think he will leave but he doesn't. Instead he pulls you forward and speaks so quietly that if you weren't so close you wouldn't hear him "You have no idea how much you mean to me, do you?" he asks.

You rest your head against his chest and you feel all the strain of the last few days drain out of you. This is why you shouldn't come with him on missions. This is why you argued against it.

He lifts your chin up and kisses your lips, then your closed eyes and then your lips again and you kiss him back. He lifts the hem of your top up and you help him take it off and he unclasps your bra at the back.

He doesn't know how to say he is sorry. And so he shows you.

You go to take his top off but he stops you, saying nothing he releases the button of your jeans and pulls them down. Removes them. You are just standing there in your pants and he kisses you again, one hand stroking your breast, his metal hand drawing a line down your stomach which makes you gasp. It goes down further between your legs and gently traces the outline of you in the material. Then he hooks the side of your pants and kneeling down he draws them down and off. As he takes them off he pushes your feet apart and you hold on to the cold metal railing behind you.

He then leans forward and kisses you and, using his tongue, traces down between your legs and making you forget to breathe. Your hands clench the railing as he explores further and you moan, God you could explode. His metal hand is stroking your inner thigh, stroking the star he carved into your skin there; the other one holds you so you don't fall. When his tongue enters you, you cry out softly, biting your lip. It doesn't take long, you are so pent up and he knows you so well, knows your body. It always obeys him.

He stands back up and pulls you forward and kisses you, you can taste yourself on his lips and in his mouth and he kisses you long and deep. Then before you can think, he whispers in your ear.

"You are the only one I trust. I will never let anyone hurt you."

He pulls away and you gulp. You can see he wants you, but he shakes his head and instead moves you to lie down in the bed, he undresses and gets in beside you. You go to touch him but he just shakes his head again. This is for you, just for you.

He kisses you again, trailing his lips down to your breasts. You want him again already. He sucks first one nipple then the other and you wrap your hand in his hair, you want him inside you and you beg him, he looks at you and then lets you guide him in.

He stops you for a moment. He is so close to coming himself he doesn't want to spoil it for you. When he knows he is under control he starts to move and you can feel him, you can also feel a wave getting ready to crash over you. You want to call out but not here, not with those awful men next door so you bite your lip and he watches as you arch up into him and come. He goes to move out but you wrap your legs around him and don't let him.

"Please, I want you to." He studies you, then starts to move again and you watch him come; at the last moment he closes his eyes and you are sure he says your name.

 **...**

 _ _How quickly you forget. How quickly that green streak of jealousy rules and devours you.__

 **...**

How you hate her. From the moment you first set eyes on her, and her eyes set their sights on him. Your Winter Soldier. Not hers. You hate her.

Katherine Davenport. You even hate her name. You are being unrealistic and you know it. Childish even.

Dark brown glossy hair tumbling down her shoulders, green eyes, beautiful sculptured cheeks, an elegant body. She could be a model, a débutante. Clothed in winter white furs as if they were made for her.

You hate her. You despise her. You despise yourself more.

You have arrived at your destination. The American team have split off. They will be in and around the grounds for the event; two as guests and two as guards. Your own team are being used as security and Felix is here as another guest. None of you are the real people you are supposed to be. You were described as an assistant and you are here to assist the organiser of the function – she doesn't need your help, doesn't know why you have been foisted on her by her bosses, but they wanted you there and so here you are.

"I have done hundreds of these functions and never needed an assistant before!" she keeps telling you, and she is determined that she will not use your help and so you are at a loose end; you do not know quite what to do with yourself.

And the Winter Soldier? He will be here soon with his __wife__ , the beautiful, glamorous Katherine Davenport. It is a gala function, specifically tailored for the rich and famous, to be held here at the old but beautiful Austrian mansion not far from the small town of Moyrhofen.

You are stood looking out of one of the windows watching as more of the guests arrive. It is dark, but huge lights floodlight the area and you can see everyone clearly. There is only one person you really want to see.

Another limousine stops just outside the door and the chauffeur gets out to open the car door. You see it is Daniel Atkins. He opens the back door and the Winter Soldier steps out and your heart misses a beat.

For this evening his name is is Marc Hunter, and he is a rich industrialist. Keeps himself to himself, but recently met and married the beautiful glamorous débutante Katherine Davenport. No pictures are allowed to be taken at this event.

He is dressed in a black tuxedo, bow tie. His left hand is covered in bandages – the only problem that ever occurs when he has to be someone else is what to do about the metal hand – __an accident, the skin is healing must keep it covered, doctor's orders.__ His hair is washed, trimmed, and he is cleanly shaved. His eyes sweep the drive, the front of the house and the windows. They sweep past you, do not even stop and then he turns and holds out his hand to the person getting out.

 _ _And as he does so, he is aware of everything around him. The large house, the lights making the frozen gravel of the driveway sparkle, Freya stood looking out of one of the windows. Even with her hair up, he would recognise her anywhere.__

 _ _He takes Katherine's hand and helps her out of the car. His mission orders are to act as a newly married couple and her hand tightens on his arm and she has already made it obvious she will play the part to the letter. He looks down at those sharp red nails and then at the sculptured hair, the beautiful, but soulless cruel eyes. He must fulfil his programming: he must touch her, must treat her as if she is the most treasured possession he has, but after the mission he will move as far away as possible. Her perfume is cloying and he never wants to smell that scent again. As he moves to walk into the house with her she smiles at him, such a feline smile. Another car drives up and he sees someone he recognises. Jackson Caldwell. As they walk in through the door to the hallway his mind has already moved to the next part of the plan. Finding the exact vicinity of the two men he is there to murder.__

Delicate, beautiful, laughing, Katherine Davenport. Hydra - but his wife for tonight. As she steps out you feel as if your heart has been newly torn in two. You feel sick, insanely jealous, furious with him, the way he holds her hand, the way his eyes do not leave her now. She is swaddled in white fur and he holds her to him, shaking hands with others and then they are both moving indoors leaving others to follow in their wake.

This is a private party, just for the rich and famous. The important people. Hydra people. There are so many people moving about in the house; servants, security guards, caterers, everyone busy but you. You feel there is more you should be doing as everyone seems to have a place, a job. But all you can think is you never realised how beautiful she would be, how sick you would feel when you saw his arm around her, pulling her close to him.

 **...**

You do not know who or even what the target is. You do not know what is going to happen or when and you find it sets you on a knife edge. You asked why you were here. __An assistant.__ You were told.

"And what do I __assis__ t in?" you asked.

"Don't be facetious, it doesn't suit you." Maggie had replied. She is getting you to try on one of her suits, trying to make you look business-like – professional is the word she used. "When you get back we are seriously updating your wardrobe," was her next comment.

Then she presented you with a pair of high heel shoes.

"How the hell am I supposed to walk in these?" you asked.

"Carefully and don't fall over!" were Maggie's last words on the subject.

Last night in the cabin you were filled in on the part you were to play. Your new name is Sarah – Sarah Bowman. They kept it simple because they know you, know your limitations. The Winter Soldier had already been driven away and that is when they told you about Kate Martins – or as she was to be known as - Katherine Davenport. His wife.

You had asked in what way could you be of any help at all and they told you to just make sure you were always close by, there if he needs your help, there if things went awry - you would be an extra exit point. You have been told a car has been parked on a side road just up from the house. They offered you no more information and you know that is all they are prepared to tell you.

 **...**

You hear a noise and turn. Someone is speaking close to you. It is Katherine. You did not hear her come up, so close, so cat like. Those green feline eyes look at you, study your face. You feel yourself blush. Then he is by her side. He glances at you briefly but that is all. His eyes are all for Katherine, for the beauty at your side.

"And this is your...what do they call you? Constance?"

You look at him and his eyes are now back on you, but he doesn't say a word. You look back at her.

"Constant," you say.

"Sorry?" Her sculptured eyebrows dip slightly in a frown.

You clear your throat. Her eyes are hypnotic; she is used to seducing both sexes and you feel as if she is looking into your soul.

"Constant, not Constance," you say, aware of your cheeks which have grown warm. And she smiles at you.

"My coat," she says. It is your turn to frown not understanding. " _ _Take__ my coat," her smile changes into one which makes you feel as if you are not worth the dirt under her feet and you flush even more and feeling embarrassed you help her take off her coat. She is wearing a stunning gold dress underneath.

"Be careful," she hisses as you catch her hair and you apologise before you think.

"I take it you have never had your hair cut?" Her accent is American, low, subtle which you are about to find out is what she is – low and subtle.

You do not want to discuss your life with her so you just say no, it hasn't been cut.

"No I didn't think so. It shows." It takes you a few seconds to realise the put down.

Before you can think of a rejoinder she turns and puts her hand on the Winter Soldier's arm and smiles at him. The smile is a private one of promises to come. They go to move away but she turns back to you one more time.

" _ _Marc__ didn't mention you were off...Russian... _ _stock...__ " You can see the word she meant to use was __peasantry__ and your cheeks flush again. Your hand tightens on her coat and loudly she says "Oh do be careful with my coat, it's worth more than you are, you stupid girl." Other guests look over and you swallow again, needing to get out of here. All the time the Winter Soldier just looks at you, his eyes hooded. Then his gaze travels back to Katherine and they move off. You see him say something quietly to her and she laughs, he looks forward but Katherine looks back at you one more time making it obvious that whatever her __husband__ has just said about you she found it humorous.

Someone suddenly places a hand on your arm making you jump. You turn around startled but it is a friendly face, one you have not seen in a while; Jackson Caldwell and you come close to hugging him because you are just so out of your depth.

"Hello Freya," he says quietly.

You shake his hand but at the end of it he doesn't let go. "Are you all right?" he asks, and you nod. You have to be all right, everyone is here for a purpose, __you__ are here for a purpose. He looks at you for what seems minutes but is actually seconds. You had forgotten how old he is looking and he smiles as if he can read your thoughts. He still remembers when he first met you and you have hardly changed at all.

"Let me introduce you to someone," he says turning around and taking your arm he brings you up in front of a young man in his late twenties.

"Brock Rumlow, Freya Bowman." You shake hands. Brock's hands are rough, and he looks as if he has grown up on the wrong side of town, has had some knocks but he has a nice smile.

"This is the lady I was telling you about." This sounds ominous but the smile accompanying it allays your fears and Brock nods his head. Difficult to see what he is thinking behind those eyes of his. Another Hydra convert, another person used to killing, is all you can think.

"Ah, we must go - but it was nice to see you again." And then Jackson leans in "...and to answer your unasked question, I was 73 last birthday," he grins, and then walks away. He has always seemed to know what you are thinking.

You look about then see a statue of a nymph in the middle of a water feature in the foyer and you drape the white furs over it, it is not quite tall enough and the bottom of the furs trail in the water underneath.

Well, you think, if she wanted them looked after properly then she should have given them to someone else.

 **...**

 _ _She watches him as he watches everyone else. His eyes do not settle for long and she can see how he gets his reputation. He notices everything. As they moved away from the girl he had smiled down at her, leant in slightly and spoke to her in a tone that brooked no argument.__

" _ _Talk about her like that again and I will cut your fucking tongue out," then he had brushed her lips. She had felt a frisson of fear then, something she had not felt in a long time, and it excited her.__

 _ _She should have listened to him because he always tells the truth.__

 _ _At that moment she decided she would not leave here tonight until she had fucked him. She would show him what he had been missing all this time. After all her brother was determined to conquer the girl, they could share notes together afterwards. They had heard the rumours about the Winter Soldier and his woman, but now that she had met her? Well, there was no contest really. Kate felt she had already won despite what he had just said to her. No man, or woman, had ever turned her down.__

 **...**

It has been a long evening. You have watched people milling about, greeting people, talking, eating. A few have caught your attention wanting you to serve them in some way. And all the time you have made sure you are close to him – close to your Soldier. But now you have been called away to the kitchen for some emergency. They said they could not find the organiser and believed you were the next best thing, what with you being her assistant. When you get to the kitchens though no one seems to know who called you and then one of the waitress staff hands you a note they were asked to give to you. You asked by whom but they shrug, to them one guest is pretty much like another.

You move to the corner of the room and read the message. It asks you to meet in the cellar in ten minutes, a problem has come up. It is not in the Winter Soldier's handwriting but it does not occur to you that is is not about him.

You find your way down to the cellar. It is cold, draughty, and you cannot see anyone down there. You cannot see the Winter Soldier yet the note definitely said to meet here.

"Hello?" you say, your footsteps ring on the stone floor even though you are trying to be quiet.

"Over here," a male voice beckons. It is not the Winter Soldier and you think at first it must be one of his team. There is a single light bulb giving out scare illumination but you walk forward, your eyes becoming accustomed to the sparse light. And then he steps out and you see it is Martins, the leader of the American team.

You stop and look over your shoulder but you are both alone. You walk forward another two steps unknowingly bringing your arms up folded across your body as if you are cold.

"What's this about? Why do you want me here? Is there a problem?" you find yourself whispering when there is no need to.

He looks totally harmless, at ease and smiles.

As he talks he walks forward so he is close to you. "As far as I know, my sister is looking after the Soldier __very__ well, if you get my meaning. And now, what the eye doesn't see..." and before you can stop him he puts his arm around your waist and pulls you forward to kiss you. You struggle, moving your head and looking to the side so he cannot kiss your lips and your hands and arms now go to push him away.

"What are you doing!? Let go of me!" you exclaim. Has he gone mad? He is strong though, and keeps hold of you easily but he does allow you a bit of space and you look up to see him smiling what he thinks is a charming smile and that is when you bring your knee up hard and into his groin. But you are dealing with a seasoned pro here and he deflects your knee and instead you find your head ringing as he brings his arm back and then forward to hit you hard.

"Don't be like that," he hisses and then pulls you back into his embrace and kisses your lips savagely. You desperately think of all the things Adam taught you long ago but Martins seems to expect everything you do and easily deflects your attempts to hurt him. Finally he has had enough of you fighting and he swings you around and straight into the brick wall, splitting your lip and bruising your forehead against the cold stone. His body keeps up the pressure and holds you firm, you cannot move. He brings your right arm back and up.

"I do love a woman who fights," he laughs.

But you don't give up that easily and somehow you manage to bring your shoe heel down on the top of his foot, not too much of an injury but it does make him let go of your right arm.

"You bitch," his laughter dries up and he is furious and grabbing the back of your head smashes your face into the wall again. Your head rings and now you are truly afraid. Everything you do he blocks and you just cannot lessen his grip. He brings his knee up and into your lower back pushing you and then uses one of his hands to pull up the back of your skirt.

"No, no please, don't..." you plead, breathless because you cannot take a deep breath. You are finding it difficult to believe the position you have found yourself in.

"My sister reckons you need a good __seeing to__. Isn't this the way way peasants like to fuck..." his tone is cruel and humourless at your plight. You can feel him pulling at your skirt, laddering your tights, and then his hand is on your bare skin. You relax your body, count to five, you breathe in as much as you can and then suddenly push back with all of your strength. He is not expecting you to and although he still has hold of you, you are able to push away from the wall. You follow it, using his own weight to counter balance, swinging around and he is slightly off balance enough to let you go. Adam would be proud.

You turn to run but you realise your mistake. There is nowhere to go, he is between you and the entrance and he knows it.

"My sister and I have heard all about you and your Soldier, all the stories..." and as he speaks he comes nearer. You look around, there is nothing down here, nothing you can grab to fight with.

"He will kill you if you hurt me," you say, trying to think, but where he banged your head against the wall you feel dizzy. Your ears hum and your cheek feels like it will be twice the size in the morning.

And he laughs at you.

"Oh, pretty girl, if only. You like pain, don't you? I know I've heard all about you," and now his voice has taken on a low confiding tone as if he knows you, knows everything about you, "I heard the two of you last night, fucking. Does he make you beg? Shall I make you beg?" He steps forward. "My sister Kate, you know her as Katherine, she can't wait to get into his bed. You've seen the way he looks at her, he can't wait for her either. She wants you out of the way and I am more than happy to oblige...if I can't fuck you whilst you're alive I'm quite happy to do it whilst you're dying..." And that is his mistake. He has seen the fear in your eyes, seen your dizziness, seen that you have nothing to fight with and he comes forward to grab you.

You grab hold of his outstretched hand and using his weight to give you balance again you pull him forward. In your other hand is your high heeled shoe and you slam it into his left eye, pull him around into the wall and drive it home. It is strength born from sheer anger and frustration - fear also played it's part.

He cries out and his hands fly to his face.

You don't wait to see what happens, you run. You hear him roar behind you and you keep on running and as you run up the stairs you begin to hear screaming which cannot be right. Your burst through the door upstairs into the foyer and straight into chaos. People are running and screaming and at first you don't understand.

"What's happening?" you try to grab someone but they won't stop. And then you smell smoke and turn to one of the downstairs rooms. The room is on fire, you can hear the crackling, people are streaming out of the room and you limp forward meaning to help but then someone grabs your arm. You think it is Martins and you turn to hit out but it is Felix.

"Leave now!" he yells, turning you to the front door and as he drags you forward he is talking fast, "...go around to the back of the house. There is a side road, a car parked, wait for him and then when he arrives get out of here, fast!" And then he propels you through the front door and you tumble out into the cold night air. Ahead of you people are in shock, standing in groups hugging themselves and crying. Several cars are roaring away and at the side of the house you see Jackson Caldwell being helped into one by Rumlow.

 **...**

 _ _He grabs her hair, pulls her forward on to her knees and for the first time she feels real unadulterated fear in her belly.__

" _ _You think I am going to allow your dirty mouth to even mention her name? Call her those things? I heard what you said to her, I heard it all...and I warned you." And Kate tastes the cold blade, feels it slicing and she tries to cry out but blood floods her mouth instead and her words become gurgles. He throws her forward and she lifts her hand to her mouth as blood pours out. She is choking, she cannot believe what he has done until he throws down the lump of meat onto the floor next to her. He then kneels the blade still in his hand and pulls her head back.__

 _ _She has never seen such an awful smile on someone's face before.__

 _ _How could she have got it so wrong? She had followed him up here, knew he had killed and fulfilled his mission. The smile on her face had been one of pure sex.__

 _ _He had turned to her and she had pulled his head down to kiss him, but he had not responded. Her hands were on his chest.__

 _"_ _ _Oh now darling, don't be like that," and one of her hands had moved down to stroke him. "Tell me how you want it, tell me what it is you like. Do you want me to beg like your Russian peasant? Do you want to call me by her name? Freya isn't it? Such a whore from what I've heard, likes pain..." And her touch had become firmer. "Come on now honey, don't you want to share? We could find her, bring her up here, you could watch whilst my brother and I fuck her? Would you like that?" She had then whispered what she would do, kissing his throat, loosening his bow tie until suddenly he had grabbed her wrists and thrown her to her knees.__

 _ _She looked up at him a look of pure seduction on her face until she had seen the blade in his hand. Until he had grabbed her hair and forced her head back. The blade was cold but sharp and she felt its cut, tried to cry out, tried to fight but nothing worked.__

" _ _She is mine," he says and then pulling her head back draws the blade across her throat. He stands and watches as the woman curls up into herself, choking, and she is dead before he leaves the room.__

 _ _He has already set one fire burning downstairs, and now he sets a second one upstairs. The house is beginning to burn. The two men he came here to kill are dead and now so is one of their own Hydra agents.__

 _ _On the landing he looks out over the banister and sees Freya burst out of one of the doors in the foyer. She is hurt, her face bruised and cut, her clothes torn, she only has one shoe on and he quickly runs down the stairs pushing people out of the way but before he can get even half way down he sees Felix grab her and propel her out of the front door to safety. He immediately guesses as to what has happened. John Martins...Katherine had more or less told him what her brother wanted to do to Freya – if he has...the Winter Soldier has to stop his thoughts there. He cannot let his imagination run, doesn't want to think about what another man may have done...__

 _ _He reaches the door in the foyer and pulls it open and sees a set of stairs twisting away and leading down. He takes a few of them and hears someone coming up. Then he sees Martins staggering up the stairs with blood running down his face. He has one hand over his left eye, using the other hand to try to pull himself up the stairs. The Winter Solder continues down the stairs taking two steps at a time and reaches Martins, reaches out and pushes him forcibly back and down the steps.__

 _ _Martins does not know what is happening. He is trying to protect his head as his body falls down the staircase and he lands heavily at the bottom. He tries to stagger up and then sees who has followed, who it is that has attacked him. The Winter Soldier kicks out, breaking Martins jaw and sending him crashing back to the floor in agony. It doesn't stop there, his foot comes hard down into Martins stomach, crushing vital organs and doing irreparable damage and then he kneels next to him. Pulling him over onto his back and Martins sees the flash of a knife and feels the blade enter his groin.__

" _ _I warned you," a voice whispers into his ear and he whimpers. The knife completes its course and he feels the pain of his penis and testicles being ripped away. His head is thrust backwards and the flesh is shoved into his mouth.__

" _ _I told you not to touch her," Martins eyes widen as he looks up into the cold, blue eyes of the Winter Soldier. The hand tightens more in his hair.__

" _ _And I warned your sister as well," and Martins realises in the fog that Kate is dead. He is losing consciousness, the pain between his legs is all-consuming and the Winter Soldier lets go of him. He curls up on the stone floor, clutching his hands between his thighs and that is how they find him the next morning. The fire never reaches down here but it does not take long for Martins to bleed out and he dies alone in the dark – just as a lot of his victims have done before him.__

 **...**

And when the flames have died down, the smoke all but gone, they began counting up the bodies. Only there are two more than Hydra were expecting. One down in the cellar, but it was not the fire that killed him. Massive blood loss and the damage to his body did. The pathologist report makes for worrying reading. His left eye had been collapsed by a sharp point and the man had been emasculated before dying.

Then the second unexpected body is found upstairs in one of the bedrooms. At first they think she was trapped in the fire, but no, it was a slit throat that had killed her - that and the fact her tongue had been cut out. Her body is found curled up, burnt in places.

Alex Pierce and Jackson Caldwell are talking with Felix.

"Is there anyway he could of done this?" Alex is asking throwing the photographs down onto the table. Felix is quiet for a moment.

"It was pandemonium so I guess yes he could have. But why? What was his motive? His reason for killing them? They seemed to be fine working together." He shrugs. What more can he say? For one moment he comes close to mentioning the state he found Freya in, but then he decides that it is better left unsaid. It can't have any bearing on the murders. Why muddy the waters? The twins had plenty of enemies of their own.

"Any ideas yet as to who set the fires?"

Felix shakes his head. "Maybe the same person who killed the Martins," he suggests. Whomever it was they left no details, no clues, no evidence. A ghost. And Jackson only knows of one ghost – which leads him back to the Winter Soldier. Somehow he knows it was him. He just doesn't know why.

"Someone else then. Someone with a private agenda. Any ideas at all?" Pierce asks and Felix shakes his head.

They are quiet for a moment more and then Pierce closes the file. "Well, keep looking and let me know of any developments. Besides the twins is the team all accounted for, no problems?"

Felix assures him everything else is fine. The mission was a success. Two top Hydra people taken out before they could go ahead with their plans of splitting the leadership. There can only be order within the highest echelons and Pierce will back Caldwell all the way – after all, as Caldwell's protégé it is the post he hopes to succeed to one day.

 **...**

You are slowly packing away some of the things to go into storage whilst you yourself are in – well, cryo-storage. The Winter Soldier is sitting watching you. You move slowly as your body reminds you it is in pain. Your face feels bruised. Your cheek swollen but it is repairing already. Felix told you quietly that it is best not to tell anyone what happened between you and Martins. _ _Just tell them someone fell over you in their haste to get away from the fire.__

"Feel free to help," you say drily, and the Soldier frowns as if he doesn't understand and it makes you smile – which hurts.

"Come here," he says, and holds his hand out. You walk over and he grabs at your hand and pulls you gently onto his lap and places the back of his metal hand on your cheek bone. The cold of the metal is soothing. Your hair is in a loose pony tail and he runs his other hand through it. You pull away but just so you can look at him and you study his eyes, his cheeks, his mouth, and then you kiss him slowly and fully, he responds. Your eyes are closed when you speak.

"Would you like me to cut my hair, make it look more...elegant?" you ask. It is something that has been on your mind since you got back. Should you take more care with your appearance for him? He doesn't answer and you open your eyes to find him staring at you.

"Why do you ask that?" he asks.

"Well, I must look pretty... _ _shabby__ to you at times. I'd like...to look nice for you," and the look you give him is one of the shy smiles he secretly loves so much.

"Don't ever change Freya. Don't ever cut your hair, or change anything about yourself. Promise me that." He is serious. You nod, but that does not satisfy him so you tell him you won't.

"Promise me," he says, and you promise.

 **...**

 _ _He had been so angry when he met her at the car. Had pulled her out of the driving seat, examined her, turning her around, pulling at her torn blouse, his hold on her was harsh and causing her pain until she had cried out and told him to stop and he had realised the panic he was feeling.__

" _ _Did he...? Did he...?" he had shouted, but couldn't say the words and she had shouted back:__

" _ _Did he what?! Fuck me, is that what you want to know? Did he take me? And if he did what would that mean? Hmm?" She was weeping by this point and the fire was lighting up the sky, spirals of smoke fifty feet high and sirens sounding in the distance but getting closer. "Does it mean you wouldn't want me any more?...Because...because I'm no longer clean...or...or..." And her voice had dissolved into sobs and she had wept so harshly he had pulled her to his chest, stroking her hair.__

" _ _No, no, Freya, I will always want you...it would mean I didn't protect you. It would mean I didn't keep my promise to you," he had said quietly.__

 _ _He knows now that Martins had not raped her.__

 **...**

 _ _The Winter Soldier had driven them away from the house and the confusion. She had been in no fit state to drive. No one had stopped them on the roads as the oncoming vehicles were heading to the fire.__

 _ _He had fulfilled his mission. The two men he was programmed to kill were dead. Later, in the debrief, they had asked him if he knew what had happened to Kate and John Martins and he had said no and they believed him. The Winter Soldier is not learning to lie; he is just allowing his second nature to get the better of him when he finds it convenient.__

 _ _After all he is what they created him to be.__

 _ _He had just fulfilled his own__ personal __mission. That's all.__

 _ _And he__ had __warned them both.__


	65. Chapter 65 - Nat Romanoff - Not Today

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Sixty-Five:**** ** **Natasha Romanoff: Not Today****

No one in the Red Room knew who had been the first to start it. The very origin itself was becoming a tale steeped in myth. It could be traced right back to the beginning, they said. Maybe even before the time of the Red Room itself.

It was just __known.__

It was believed to have begun with tales of the __Baba Yaga__ , and how she would come and take the bad children away. She would hold them tight, chew on their bones, suck at their flesh, eat them whole, and no one could protect them. But then the tale began to change to a new and more frightening nightmare, one that seemed more real. The Bogeyman.

He had frightened the __Baba Yaga__ away. So much more frightening that no one ever quite grew out of the fear of him.

Especially not Natalia Alianovna Romanova.

Because she had __seen him.__ She __knew__ he was real.

The older girls would wait until it was dark, until the younger children were on the cusp of sleep, and then they would make the noise. Fingers being drawn across the windowsill. Metal fingers.

"He is coming," they would gasp and the younger children would hold their breath, listening for the noise, for the footsteps, but there would be silence and then the older children would fill the silence with tales of what the Bogeyman would do. That he moves silently, except for the screech of his metal fingers against the bed frames. They would speak of girls who had disappeared, never to be seen again. All the while all anyone ever saw was the glint of silver, the red star, the curtain of hair covering his face.

The teachers knew the tales were being told but they preferred their charges to be unsettled. It helped. Made them stronger. Those that did not cope with the tales would be weeded out anyway, they would be the unwanted. The Bogeyman would come for them. They would disappear and a new name would be added to the list of the Bogeyman's victims.

 **...**

Natalia should never have been near the office on that fateful day but she was always inquisitive, always looking to see what was happening. And always without realising it, ready to finally learn the truth of who she really was.

The noise stops her in her tracks. Metal fingers sliding along glass, then a noise no six year old child should ever recognise: the gasp of someone dying. She peers around the door and at first does not realise what she is seeing. It looks more like her teacher is dancing with someone but no, her teachers eyes are wide and staring and the Bogeyman is holding her around the throat, the metal fingers pressing so hard that it leaves her neck blue.

Natalia's intake of breath alerts the Bogeyman to the fact that he is no longer alone. His whole body tenses. He has his back to her. He lets the body of her teacher slip to the floor. And then, he slowly turns around, his silver arm making a noise like a curled snake slivering as it closes the rings and at the top she can see it. The perfect red star. She does not want to see his face, does not want to see him at all, but her eyes take him in. The long brown hair parted in the middle, the blue piercing eyes, and then he takes a step towards her.

Oh, how fast she can run. How fast when she has to. But he can run just as quick. She is running through the courtyard garden, falling over pots. She can hear her own breath and all the while she knows he is so close behind her, until finally she comes up against the wall. She can hear the other girls somewhere chanting their lessons. Lessons she should be in.

She runs out of space, has nowhere left to go.

She hits the wall with her small fists but cannot scream for help; she has no breath left. His shadow falls over her and she turns to face him. She is a fighter but her spirit has drained out of her. This is her nightmare, the one thing she has never been able to dismiss – the Bogeyman. Her one fear.

The sun is low and he blocks it: so tall, so menacing.

He reaches out that metal hand and it encircles her throat and picks her up so her back slides along the wall, scraping and bruising her delicate skin through the dress she is wearing. Natalia wants to fight, to kick out, but this is the Bogeyman, someone she cannot defeat – ever. Her heart is beating so fast she is surprised he cannot hear it. Her hands encircles his...

 _ _Such small hands. A child, nothing more. He knows her heart is beating wildly, knows she is so frightened, and this stops him. She is not his mission. That has already been completed. The child's eyes are closing. He leans in close.__

" _ _Not today," he says quietly, and then his hand lowers her back down and lets go of her and she falls like a rag doll.__

When they find her later she can hardly speak, cannot tell them how she received the bruising on her throat. All she can tell them is the Bogeyman slaughtered her teacher, and then they know. The Red Room had taken a wrong turn, had crossed the wrong people, and action had been taken against them. Lesson learnt.

Natalia never speaks of the Bogeyman again. Does not join in when the older children scare the younger ones but she never forgets him either. Her dreams sometimes morph into nightmares and when they do it is always the Bogeyman who has her, who is promising her __not today...but one day, little Natalia, one day.__

 **...**

And Natasha Romanoff shakes herself awake. Not that she was truly asleep. She is no longer that six year old child, but he still frightens her. Still haunts her dreams. She laughs at herself but it is an unsettled laugh, one trying to show she is not afraid of anything, of anyone, but deep down she knows she is lying.

 _ _Everyone__ has their own Bogeyman.

 **...**

She listens to the radio. No traffic delays, nothing to worry about. Nick Fury has given her the assignment to get Doctor Yazdani to safety and she has nearly completed her task. She looks over at her charge; he is still clutching his briefcase as if it holds the secrets of the world. Maybe it does. The secret of nuclear fusion the Engineer had said – a new concept on an old design.

"Not long. Another fifteen minutes, if that," she says feeling the need to reassure him. Then her attention returns to the road, and driving.

Another two minutes of quiet and then the hairs on the back of her neck begin to tingle. Her stomach tightens and in the wing mirror she can see a motorbike approaching. The road until now has been clear and she would have seen it if it had been on the road with her. But now it has appeared out of nowhere and is moving towards them at speed.

Catching them up.

But then she breathes out as it passes them by. The bike is a Goldwing, beautiful, sleek but heavy to handle. The biker lifts a hand to say thanks for allowing him to pass. He is dressed in leathers and helmet and roars off. No apparent danger. But Natasha has learnt from experience and does not relax entirely. She finds herself easing off the accelerator, letting the bike get a little further ahead and then it is disappearing around a corner in the road. She eases her foot more because she cannot see around that corner and her senses are warning her not to take anything for granted. She has her gun sat in her lap.

She keeps to the road, her car gently making the curve. The road ahead is clear. Yazdani looks at her and grins and she can't help but smile back. He has a beautiful smile.

But then she sees the grin drop from his face. He is looking at something happening outside the car and as she turns her head something solid hits the side of the vehicle. It is the bike from before, emerging from the undergrowth to get close to the side of the car. Before she can react, the rider shoots out two of her tires.

Natasha fights to keep the car on the road as it swerves to the other side. She should have listened to her senses. She has no chance to look at the rider as the bike again smashes into their car. The car is armoured with shatter-proof windows but if someone is determined enough they can still get at them. With two tires blown she does not have complete control of the car and the bike is just heavy enough to nudge it to the other side of the road and over the edge.

"Watch out!" Yazdani screeches, and she turns forward in time to watch as the road disappears and all she can see is blue sky as they sail over the edge of a ravine. The car seems to be flying...before hitting the ground with such force that despite the seat belts they are thrown against the windshield. She hits the glass hard and is dazed; Yazdani is almost knocked out.

The car continues its descent down its rugged path then hits a huge boulder which makes it tip over, and then they are rolling again. It seems such a long time before the world finally comes to a stop, and they are upside down within the quiet shell of the car. All they can hear is the ticking of the hot metal. The air bags have not deployed and she now realises the seat belts did not hold them as firmly as they should have. The car will have been checked out in the SHIELD garage before she was given it to use but they would have checked things like the brakes and steering not the seat belts. Someone has been tampering.

Natasha is groggy but knows she cannot afford to be. Her eyesight is foggy, her brain thinking in slow motion. She shakes herself physically and mentally. She needs to get them both out and into the undergrowth as quickly as possible but her door will not open. The frame is dented. She releases both damaged seat belts and reaches across to Yazdani who is just coming around. The door catch works and his door begins to open but soon stops. Without giving it any thought she turns herself so she can hit the door with her feet and after a few kicks the door opens enough to let them out.

"Get out and stay low," she says looking back out of her window but she cannot see anything, has no idea of what has happened to the bike and the rider. Every time she moves it feels like her brain is two steps behind. She has a serious head wound and blood dribbles down the back of her neck and also into her eyes from a cut on her forehead. She tries her best to wipe it away, ignoring the tickle of it down her neck.

She searches for her gun but she can't find it. She takes a few seconds to scrabble back in to get to the glove box but it won't open and she cannot therefore get to her spare gun. She swears and then gets them both out, keeps them behind the overturned car and looks up onto the ridge. The blood is still seeping and she blinks several times and wipes it away again to clear her sight. She is feeling sick, nauseous, she recognises the symptoms of concussion - something she just cannot afford.

"Are you hurt?" she asks whilst trying to assess what the situation is. Yazdani is clearly in shock and she looks him over. He is favouring his arm but still clutching his briefcase.

"Are you hurt?!" she repeats, louder and with more insistence. He shakes his head, but she knows she is not going to get any help from him.

She turns back to the ridge and sees the bike and rider. He is making no effort to come down, instead just sitting astride his bike. She realises he is on a walkie-talkie. So where is his partner? Then she sees him dismount.

"We have to get out of here fast." She turns and grabs Yazdani, literally pulling him with her into the undergrowth. She swings him so that he is now in front of her, her body covering him from behind.

"Go!" she says, then follows him and reaches for her phone. She needs to contact Fury for help. They both crash through the bushes and trees, dust being disturbed by their boots and making them cough. The season over here is so dry.

She looks at the phone screen and sees there is no signal. No help.

She stops Yazdani. She crouches low, listening, trying to evaluate. If the rider is not worried about how long it takes to get down to them there must be someone down here already. As soon as she thinks this, a bullet rucks up the dirt next to her feet.

"Go!" she shouts again and pushes Yazdani ahead of her. He is speaking to her in Iranian, begging her not to let him be killed.

"I won't. Just be quiet!" she responds, but she doesn't think her reply will get through to him: the man is so frightened he is not thinking clearly. She must think for both of them.

Why can't she see the gunman? Where is he hiding? Where is he shooting from? She is having trouble thinking, trouble concentrating. Trouble even getting her body to respond to her command to run.

Yazdani suddenly stops in his tracks and she realises why. They are about to break cover and she grasps the back of his jacket to stop him from taking another step. He looks at her, and she nods to say he has done the right thing and then they crouch down.

Ahead of them is an open plain with very few trees to give cover. Behind them the cover is better but she expects by now the rider may have started making his way down and will be coming up behind them.

To one side she can hear the trickle of water. A stream, better than nothing. She points in its direction and Yazdani nods. They move slowly and as quietly as possible through the undergrowth until they see a small, shallow bank ahead leading to a stream. They stop and she looks around, listens.

Twigs crack and she can now hear someone moving through the undergrowth. They are making no effort to be quiet. What is it she has missed? Why are they so confident they have her cornered? And then she realises. The bank on the other side of the stream is too high for them to climb. She looks downstream. One side is blocked by a fallen tree, the other side by boulders. They have been backed into a dead end. Her only option is to fight but she is seriously compromised by her injuries.

Yazdani taps her arm; he wants to know what they are to do. She is trying to think but her mind is physically hurting. Her eyes keep clouding over; thinking it is the slow trickle of blood she wipes them but her eyesight is still blurred and then her vision doubles. Without realising it she has fallen to her knees and Yazdani is trying to haul her up. Pain in her temples is making itself known. A deep, throbbing pain. Before she can stop herself she vomits, coughing, cannot get her breath.

"Come, come," Yazdani is saying and pulling on her arm. She shakes her head and for a moment things clear and she staggers up to follow him down to the side of the stream. As they reach the edge she senses danger, she knows they are out of time and she swings around to face the assassin, blinking to try and clear her view. She has placed her body in front of the nuclear engineer, covering him as much as she can, indicating he is to stay behind her...but now she freezes.

 _ _No.__ It can't be. She shakes her head again to clear her sight.

Stepping out of the undergrowth in front of her is the figure from her nightmares. Taller than her and dressed all in black except for his left arm, which shines silver. His lower face is covered by a black mask, his blue eyes, hard, cold, dead, his hair long and brown, parted in the middle. He holds a gun in his hand which he now points at Natasha and then she watches as he steps to the side to aim and shoot at Yazdani. Her sight wavers and the figure splits, becomes two, dizziness floods her brain and then it reverts back to one. She blinks hard, shakes her head and wishes she hadn't. Anger and frustration well up inside her.

"No!" she screams the word and means to step forward to meet her attacker, instead she feels herself stagger sideways but she still covers the engineer and the assassin looks at her. She is sure that behind the mask he smirks. He can see she is injured, sees she is no longer a serious threat. She tries to step forward again to engage him but her head swims and she lurches to keep upright.

He can see she is not going to make this easy so he brings the gun over and shoots. The bullet hits Natasha, runs right through her and hits the engineer behind her. She hears him cry out. She feels like she has been punched. She tries to turn but instead her knees give way and she sinks to the ground, her hand covering the hole in her left hand side where the blood is now starting to drip. The pain is incredible. She has been hurt before, experienced pain, but has never been shot. She looks up as the man strides past her and she looks at his face. She sees he is looking down at her and then his eyes move to look at the engineer lying behind her.

"No," she whispers and tries to find the energy to fight, to stop him. She lifts her hand. It is incredibly heavy. She tries to grab at the assassin but it is in effectual and she hears the second shot which takes the engineer's life.

Her head is spinning. Confused, she looks around. Where is she? __Think, Natasha, think__ \- and then she sees him, sees her Bogeyman standing two steps away from her and she is a little girl again, six years old, back in the courtyard. He has come for her, come to kill her.

She tries to grasp his trouser leg as he walks by and it is enough to stop him. He has Yazdani's briefcase in one hand and the gun in his other and he looks down at her as he lifts the barrel level with her head. Neither move for what seems minutes and then his hand drops and he shakes his head.

She is sure she hears him utter the words _"_ _ _Not today,"__ but it could be an echo from the past. And then her body and mind begin to shut down, there is nothing more it can give her and she passes out.

 **...**

Fury finds her in the kick-boxing gym. She is supposed to still be in hospital but she has discharged herself despite being heavily bruised in body as well as spirit. There are stitches in her hairline and scalp at the back of her head. She has broken ribs and the after-effects of concussion. She also has a hairline fracture to her skull.

He watches as she kicks out in anger. Her skin is grey and she is sweating heavily on the point of collapse.

"Nat," he says softly, walking in front of her so she is forced to acknowledge he is there.

She hits out again even though he knows she has seen him but this time her punches are skewed and he can see she is having trouble with her vision. What worries him most is the fear and anger in her eyes.

"Nat," he repeats and she glares at him, steps away. "Nat...Natasha. Come on, you shouldn't be here." But he knows there is no where else she would rather be. "There is __nothing__ you could have done."

This time he lays his hand on her arm, stops her mid-step. She tries to shrug him off but now he can see tears in her eyes. He has never known her to cry, ever. They are hot tears of frustration, of anger.

He does something he has never done before: he pulls her into his space, looks at her and finally sees her give in to him, to accept the help he can offer. He pulls her closer and she leans her head against his chest.

Nick Fury is the nearest thing she has ever had to a father.

She hits his chest with one clenched hand. "Next time...I have to fight him. Next time I __can't__ let him do this to me," she says, and Fury knows she doesn't want a response. "He's real goddamn it! He's a __real__ person. He can't hurt me unless I let him."

She knows that her bogeyman is an assassin. She knows he is the fabled Winter Soldier but even so deep down in her furtherest thoughts he still frightens her.

But...

Next time she is determined she will fight him. She will not allow her fear to overtake her, she will use it instead to beat him. Fury knows she is being too hard on herself: the doctors said she is lucky to be alive with the concussion and the fracture to her skull. It is a wonder to them that she stayed conscious for as long as she did.

She pulls away from Fury, looks up at him.

"Next time our paths cross I __will__ kill him. I will ground him underfoot and bury him!"

And he believes her.


	66. Chapter 66 - The Diner

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Sixty-Six:**** ** **The Winter Soldier & The Constant - The Diner****

You are frantic but try not to show it as you hurry along the streets. You are hoping to spot him any time now. He was supposed to be at the rendezvous twenty minutes ago but there has been no sign of him. So knowing the route he was to take, you follow it hoping to see him.

Crowds of people block your view but you know that it would take only one glimpse for you to see him. You stop, unsure as to why. You look around and although you cannot see him something jars you.

You slowly do an about turn, knowing that you have missed something and then you see it, hidden away in your subconscious. Over the road is a building made up to look like a railway car diner from the 1940's. You know the Winter Soldier's origins and you saw a similar diner in the newsreel footage of Brooklyn all that time ago. They had interviewed the staff, whom had spoken about both boys coming in usually after art college.

You cross the road. Whilst doing so you think you see him inside and your heart misses a beat: he is all right, he is safe. As you get closer you can see that it __is__ him; he looks like anyone else sat there eating, leather jacket, long hair, and gloved hands. Always gloved in public. Hydra doesn't want anyone to remember the metal.

You take a deep breath and enter.

The smell of frying onions and coffee hits you and you are aware of how hungry you are but it just makes you feel queasy after the scare you have just had.

A waitress is walking over to you but you indicate you are with the gentleman at the back. She seems relieved and you feel if she could, she would tell you __rather you than me, honey.__

The Winter Soldier has that affect on people.

As you approach the booth he looks up and reaches under the table; but when he sees it is you his whole body relaxes.

You look into his eyes. There is nothing there. You sit down opposite him.

And that is when it dawns on you he has been eating. The dregs of a coffee sit next to an empty plate.

The waitress comes up and before you can say anything he indicates he wants another coffee.

"Same for her," he says and the waitress looks at you. You just nod and try to smile.

You are aware of the time. You are now forty-five minutes late and you have not answered the trilling of the phone in your pocket. You both carry locator devices: if you don't start back soon there is going to be trouble, and the last thing you want is them coming for you both. If they think the Winter Soldier has engineered this himself there will be serious consequences. You can already hear them in your mind giving the order to wipe him.

Where do you start? How do you handle him?

He has sat back against the booth and is looking at you and you have no idea of what is running through that mind of his.

The waitress brings your coffee and you thank her. She tears off the bill and tries to hand it to the Winter Soldier, but he makes no effort to take it so you reach out and again thank her. She leaves, and you are sure she believes you are crazy for being with this man. If only she knew.

You look at the bill and try not to show your surprise. He had ordered a hot dog. You look up at him but there is no help there.

You clear your throat. "So did you enjoy your meal?"

He doesn't say anything; just nods his head once.

"Good, good..." the conversation trails off and you pick up your cup, aware of your hand trembling. He leans over and puts his own over yours as if to stop it. He takes his hand away and you find yours is steady.

You take a sip and put the cup back down. "Do you want to talk?" You look at him.

He doesn't reply. You look around. There are a few people eating, a family arguing over putting on the jukebox and what to play.

Then you look at your watch and lean forward so only he can hear you. "We have to go."

He says nothing just watches you, cold eyes assessing.

You are getting worried. You do not want him to be hurt and you certainly don't want the people in here to be hurt either. "We are late and we're going to be very late by the time we get back to the car. If they come looking for us a lot of people are going to get hurt. _ _..I...__ " And you emphasise the I, "...don't want that to happen."

But he still just sits there and you look down at the table. He watches you make a decision.

You stand up and pull money from your pocket. "I don't know how you thought you were going to pay, you don't carry any cash." You are getting annoyed. It is rare for you to get like this and when you look at him he smiles. He actually smiles, just for a few seconds, then he stands up. As he moves past you he leans in close.

"Thats what you're here for, isn't it?" He doesn't break his stride. Did he just make a joke? Or was he serious?

You hurry over to the till and give the woman enough to cover the meal and a tip. The waitress smiles at you.

"Good luck with that one honey," she says and winks. She smiles but it is a sad smile. You nod as if everything is okay.

By now he is on the street and you have to run to catch him up.

You are on borrowed time and at the rate he is going you are going to have to run all the way just to keep up.

 **...**

 _ _He is on the way back to meet up at the exit point when he catches sight of what looks like a railway carriage parked on the pavement. A wave of familiarity washes over him. He has been getting these feelings a lot lately and they make him nauseous. He is sure he has seen this place before – or if not this place something similar.__

 _ _He crosses the road. It is some sort of dining place and out of the corner of his eye he sees himself and a young skinny blond boy enter it. He shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts. He needs to get back to the car, back to the base to give his mission report. If he doesn't they will be angry with him but even though this is going through his mind his hand is reaching out to open the door.__

 _ _The smell of the place hits him, so familiar. Coffee and something else, something that reminds him of those...what were they called...hot dogs that Freya had given him that time they broke down but in some ways the memory is older than that.__

 _ _A woman comes up to him but looking at him now she is unsettled. He can see it in her eyes.__

" _ _Why don't you take a seat, honey." She points to a table by the door but he ignores her and heads for a booth in the back, sliding into it so he has his back against the far wall and he can watch the entrance.__

 _ _The waitress follows him over, a coffee pot in one hand and an empty cup in the other.__

 _ _He isn't sure what to do but she does not know that. Food and drink have always been brought to him before; he never chooses what he eats and drinks.__

" _ _Coffee?" she indicates the pot and cup and he nods. She fills the cup and puts it in front of him. "Cream or milk?"__

 _ _He doesn't reply.__

 _ _When he had first entered she had been impressed: nice leather jacket, 'gorgeous to die for' looks but when she saw his eyes she rapidly changed her mind. This one is dangerous, to be avoided. There is something about him that worries her.__

 _ _She moves away to get a menu and when she comes back she puts the milk next to him and then hands him the menu. He doesn't take it, just shakes his head.__

" _ _Sorry Hon, you have to eat to stay. Can't do drinks only, not at this time of the day."__

 _ _She would be quite glad if he got up and left but he doesn't make any move to go. Just as she thinks she is going to have to call Tom from out the back he picks up the menu and although the array of food panics him but she would never know. Then he spots the hot dogs. He says the words. They sound strange; he rarely talks and to say those words which sound so funny strikes him as odd but she is obviously happy with his choice and moves away.__

 _ _When she comes back he is still trying to grasp the memory that had struck him outside. He is sure he has seen the young slim boy in his mind before; every so often he flits through the Winter Soldier's thoughts and he never knows who he is or where he comes from.__

 _ _He makes up his mind to ask his Constant as he knows she doesn't report any of the conversations they have. She is the only safe line he has. He says her name quietly to himself and wonders how he knows about her. How does he know he can trust her with his life?__

 _ _The waitress sets down the hot dog and he can smell it, his mouth waters.__

" _ _Enjoy," she says drily and then moves off again. A young family have just come in and she is more likely to get a tip out of them than she is him. It also gives her an excuse to get away from him.__

 _ _As he sits there eating he is totally focused on everyone else in the diner. Is this what its like to have a life?__

 _ _Then the door opens, he reaches under the table for his gun and his heart stops. It's the woman, his Constant, Freya, and he sees the utter panic in her face. He seems to know everything about her face, he has studied it a million times, touched her long hair, seen her cry, heard her in pain but rarely seen her smile or laugh. And the pain always seems to be his causing.__

 _ _She sees him and a change comes over her, she does smile and her relief is obvious. He has finished the food and wants to tell her about finding this place and ask her about the blond haired boy but he knows he can't - not yet.__

 _ _The waitress murmurs something to her and Freya points towards him. He can tell the waitress isn't very happy about Freya's choice in men.__

 _ _She hesitates slightly and then sits down opposite him. She doesn't know what to say to him and he waits, studying her, the way she moves, the way she carefully chooses her words.__

 _ _The waitress approaches them and he is annoyed; he doesn't want anyone with them, but he knows he is in the wrong and doesn't want to make a bad situation worse. He indicates for more coffee and tells her to pour one for Freya as well. He can tell Freya has seen what it is he ate and in her eyes is this glimmer of hope which he finds endearing. She is remembering their time before from the car park. A moment's hesitation comes over him. Should he be remembering? He is not supposed to carry memories with him, only what is relevant to the missions.__

 _ _She has spoken to him. He stops for a moment and then realises what she has said and nods in reply.__

 _ _She picks up her cup but her hand is trembling so hard he is worried she will burn herself so he covers her hand with his. Even through the leather of the glove he can feel the warmth of her skin and he would do anything to be able to kiss, it, rub his thumb over her palm and tell her everything will be all right. He lets go, her hand is steady and just before she takes a sip she smiles at him. It is rare, his heart jumps a beat.__

" _ _Do you want to talk?" she asks quietly and he knows if he said yes she would stay there and listen to everything that would pour out of him, all the pain, the hurt, the feeling of doing wrong, the blond haired boy, the feeling of being somewhere similar before and the growing dread of going back to his masters.__

 _ _But he can see now is not the time to ask Freya who the blond haired boy is. Maybe later, and then maybe that will put him to rest and he can stop haunting the Winter Soldier.__

 _ _He is listening to what she is saying, they need to get back, she is right. She stands up and he is surprised, she rarely takes the initiative. She seems to be pretending to be a little annoyed and he smiles inside to himself. She asks him how he thought he was going to pay and for a minute he wonders that himself. It wasn't something that had occurred to him but as he walks past her he says quietly.__

" _ _Thats what you're here for, isn't it?" Because deep down he knew he wouldn't have to pay as she would always be there. She would always find him no matter where he found himself.__

 _ _He has cracked his first joke in decades and it feels good to see her face, surprised and a little amused.__

 _ _Then he is back out on the street and his training takes over. Back to work. He realises that she will take the blame for his little__ __misdemeanour__ __and he needs to get them back on track as quickly as possible.__

 _ _He sets a fast pace with her following.__

 **...**

Before driving away, you put a call through to Felix and explain that there is a delay on the freeway; a car has broken down and blocked one of the lanes – you are not lying exactly because it is true, there is a broken down car. It's just not causing a delay.

Felix though seems distracted and tells you to get back as soon as possible and that whilst the Winter Soldier is in mission report, you are to report to Alex Pierce's office.

You hang up, worried. The Winter Soldier looks at you.

"Tell them it was me if they question it," he says, and you smile at him.

"If I tell them that they will put an even tighter leash on you. I think, really..." you look at him seriously, "...we need to keep this to ourselves. Okay?" But he just looks at you. "Okay?" you are firmer this time and he nods. "Besides which, I get the feeling this is about something totally different."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you think it's something else?"

"Woman's intuition."

As a reply to yours, he grunts, leaving you in no doubt about what he thinks to that.

When you finally get back to base the Winter Soldier is taken for mission debrief and you make your way to Pierce's office, letting out a sigh of relief when you see it is Maggie waiting for you.

She takes you into Pierce's office.

"Alex is on the base but is overseeing mission report. I wanted to...I wanted to be the one to tell you this," she says as you both sit down and your stomach falls.

She tries to smile.

"It's nothing for you to worry about, I promise." But you have known Maggie long enough to know when she is lying – well, no, not __lying__ \- just not telling you everything.

There is coffee between you on the table and she pours you both a cup. You are grateful for it; the day has seemed to last forever and the shock you had when you thought you had lost the Winter Soldier is still with you. What would have happened if you hadn't found him?

"Freya?" Maggie says, and you look up and realise you have zoned out.

"Sorry, just a long day thats all. Go on," and you focus on her.

"There is no easy way to tell you and I don't know how upset you will be...but Jackson Caldwell died last night, and...well I know you worked with him for a long time." She takes a sip of her coffee, watching you carefully.

You feel as if you have been punched in the gut. "Jackson? How?" For some crazy reason you think of the mission the Winter Soldier has just been on. Maggie reads your mind.

"It was natural causes. It was his __time,__ Freya. He was seventy-eight you know, that is a good age for anyone." And she passes you a tissue. Your eyes have welled up.

Why are you crying for a man who controlled an organisation which brings destruction to so many people? Who wanted power over love? And then you realise. You are not crying for him. You are crying for yourself. It is another person in your life you have lost, and as bad as he was he always championed both you and the Winter Soldier.

"What does that mean?" you ask, clearing your throat, and Maggie frowns slightly as if to say she does not understand your question.

"To me and Ja...the Winter Soldier. How will it affect us?"

Maggie is quiet for a moment and looks down at the cup she is holding. She seems to make up her mind about something. She puts the cup down and crosses her arms leaning in slightly closer to you.

"We are safe to talk in here, but nowhere else. You understand that don't you?" You nod, leaning in as well.

"Alex is not fond of you. __Not__ because it's you, but because he doesn't see why you are needed. He doesn't want to admit there is a flaw in the Winter Soldier, that he is human and has needs like all human beings. Jackson was the one at first who insisted you are kept on the project. I know Alex has his own plans and he is to succeed Jackson. I know that you are included in those plans but..." here she pauses and you can see she is trying to find the right way of wording what she is going to say. "Freya...you really need to just step very carefully. When we first met I told you that if he says jump you ask how high..." And you nod. "Well, that still applies. Don't cause any waves, don't make any noise, just stay in the background and he will forget you are here." She takes your hand.

You nod again, tears threatening, but you don't want to cry - you want to whimper because you are frightened and you cannot help it. You are only human too.

"You're not alone. I'll be here. I will do what I can, all right?" She kisses your bangs and then looks at you and you can see tears in her eyes as well. "Just keep a low profile and we will get through this."

You nod again. __God. I hope he doesn't find out about today__ is all you can think.

 **...**

 _ _The Winter Soldier need not have worried. When they get back to the car Freya telephones Felix and tells him they have had problems with the traffic; she even makes up an elaborate story about a broken down car blocking the freeway but Felix is distracted and tells them to get back as quickly as possible.__

 _ _He goes through mission report but does not mention the diner. He has found that if he doesn't mention things in report then they stay in his mind longer. He is not sure what to do with that knowledge and his rebellious side puts the memory away safe and sound.__

 _ _When he returns to their quarters, Freya tells him about Jackson Caldwell. The Winter Soldier can see the news has upset Freya but he is not completely sure why. But he remembers Jackson Caldwell and for the first time realises that there are people he has known who have grown old by his side. Grown old and died.__

 _ _He also wonders at himself. How he can feel nothing? Should he actually be feeling something?__

 _ _Whilst he watches Freya put a meal together for them he tries to think of all the people he has known and he again remembers the young blond haired man. Should he ask her if she knows who the man is? Is he someone who at some time fought by his side but has since grown old and died...? When he thinks this, a great sadness comes over him and he finds it difficult to breathe.__

" _ _Are you all right?" Freya asks, sensing something is wrong, and he tries to smile but it is more a grimace. "Tell me," she says sitting down next to him.__

" _ _Are there many people who have died during our time together?"__

 _ _She tries to smile. "More than I can remember."__

" _ _How long? How long have you and I been..." And he looks around. "Here?" But Freya knows he doesn't just mean this base. She is holding a cloth which she begins to fold and he can see she is trying to figure out what to say. What to tell him.__

" _ _In all honestly I gave up counting the years a long time ago but...I think we have been here long enough that no-one we knew at the beginning is still with us."__

" _ _How long do you think we will be in this...life?" he asks and she sees him rubbing his temples and knows his head is beginning to hurt. He is thinking too much, beginning to question things, to rebel.__

" _ _I don't know. I truly and honestly don't know," she answers, and stands up - but before she goes back to what she is doing she kisses his forehead.__

" _ _But you won't be alone, I'll always be here with you. If of course that helps at all." She laughs gently to make it into a joke but he knows how serious she is, and the fact she said it does help.__

" _ _Come on. We had better eat before it gets cold." She turns back to put their dinner out and he knows she is distracting him and he is glad.__

 _ _He doesn't want to think any more.__

 **...**

Jackson Caldwell walks the path some people find themselves on. To one side Hell, to the other just a mass of darkness and for the first time ever he feels fear. He sees shades of other people but there is no one to talk to. No-one stops to help him. There is just the path.

The air around him is cold but silent.

He realises now there is no end game. Hydra was wrong. He was wrong. And there is nothing that he can do now to put that right.

He will be on this path for a very long time as there is no one to pray for him - no-one to offer redemption because that is something he does not deserve, and he is beginning to comprehend that.

And deep down, he knows that one way or another, when he finally leaves this cursed path all that will be waiting for him is Hell. He knows now it is exactly what he deserves.


	67. Chapter 67 - Watching

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. There is strong sexual content in this chapter.**

 ** **Chapter Sixty-Seven:**** ** **The Winter Soldier & The Constant – Watching****

It's not normally somewhere you would be. You're not sure you want to be here. So why are you here?

 **...**

Life at the mountain base had settled down into a routine long ago. You found it cold, uninviting, and there was hardly anyone you knew to talk to. You had made the decision not to get to know people, it is too dangerous for both them and you. Especially you. It hurts too much when you lose them.

Maggie is the exception of course, but you have never admitted that to yourself. You and she have fallen into a friendship, although neither of you realise it. You both fill a hole in the other one's life. You as her daughter, and she as your mother. It did not take long, you were both in need of someone.

You are technically older than she is, but you still look as if you are in your late twenties. You feel older though. Maggie is in her early fifties. You don't realise that the easy way you have of talking to her is as a daughter would talk to her mother, because that is something you yourself have never experienced. And Maggie? She tells herself she is doing it to please Alex Pierce. Both of you love the men in your lives; both of you worship the men in your lives, but both of you are also growing to love each other and have become more than friends. There is a bond there, a connection.

You do not keep a running tab of how many times you have been woken out of cryo. They usually bring the Winter Soldier out for a mission but from time to time it can be for training instead. And that is what it is this time – training.

Or so they said.

In the old days you would be brought out and kept busy but you never knew really where in time you were but now it is different. You often find small gifts from Maggie in your quarters when you return. A new book, music, a pack of cards. She teaches you to play solitaire. Sometimes there are even magazines; just small things that make your life more pleasant – an illicit jar of caffeinated coffee that you have to keep hidden from the Winter Soldier. Last time it was a pair of fluffy slippers as Maggie knows how cold you get. They're all things that tell you there is someone who likes the fact you are in their life and that they care about you. Maggie will drop by when she accompanies Alex to the base and is in the process (the __long__ process) of teaching you how to use the computer in your quarters. She is now threatening you with something called a laptop and for the first time ever you feel you are allowed to let go in someone's company. You can be yourself.

You got the giggles. "A lap __what__?"

And Maggie laughed, a real laugh, and then before you knew it the two of you were laughing so hard you were almost crying. It wasn't even that funny. Your sides hurt and you can hardly breathe. She has tears running down her face.

"You youngsters are all the same," she tries to say and that just makes you laugh even more – youngster! This year you will be ninety-six (you think). And that is what sobers you up and before you know it you are crying instead and Maggie is hugging you. How easy it is to go from laughing one minute to crying the next. "Hey don't, come on..." she murmurs, passing you tissues, and you look at her and you see she is crying too.

"What do you think we did in a past life that was so terrible that it makes us deserve the life we have now?" she asks you quietly, and all you can do is shake your head - you don't know but it must have been something bad.

Both of you at times talk about the men in your life; you only have each other that you can talk about them to. You know that Maggie cannot live without Alex and she knows you cannot live without James.

And it is so unfortunate that at that moment the door opens and the Winter Soldier walks in.

When Jackson Caldwell told you the Winter Soldier would be different, you had asked him how and he had admitted he didn't know, but at least he would no longer think of you as a whore. But one thing you know now is that although the Winter Soldier is not told you are that anymore, it doesn't necessarily stop him from thinking it - especially when he is in his possessive, paranoid moods.

This wake-up is a bad one. He has been moody and off with you the entire time. He has been snappy, demanding to know where you have been and what you have done. You have been treading on eggshells for most of the time.

The Winter Soldier can still get so insanely jealous but you don't even think of your friendship with Maggie as one he could be jealous of. Not until now. Not until you see his face as he sees you sat on the sofa with Maggie's arm around you. It is totally innocent; you are both too much in love with the men in your lives but things can be so easily misread.

Maggie rarely remains in the same room as the Soldier. In much the same way as you cannot find it in you to like Alex, she cannot find it in her to like James. He frightens her. She stands up and hands you one more tissue and then excusing herself but promising to see you the next day, she leaves.

He has not said a word.

You get up, throw the tissues in the bin and try to smile.

"Sorry...we were just talking about women's things," you say finding yourself apologising and shrugging your shoulders to show it was no big deal but you forget, this man is not normal, he does not share a normal life with anyone.

 _ _He watches her eyes, the way her cheeks flush when she says 'women's things' and inside he grows angrier. He doesn't like the other woman, doesn't like the way he sometimes finds them together, talking. The woman makes Freya laugh in a way he never has and he is jealous - out and out jealous.__

 _ _And now? Now she has obviously been crying, is that because of him? Has she been sharing details of their life with the other woman? Telling her secrets? What has she been saying? As the anger surfaces so does the traces of that second personality that is allowed dominance at these times.__

He doesn't say a word and you begin to feel unsettled. He is watching you, staring at you and you cannot read him and you find yourself flushing for no reason at all. You nod as if he has though, and then go to move past him to the kitchen but as you brush against him he grabs your arm – painfully.

"What were you doing?" His voice is dangerously quiet. You look up into his face, search his eyes.

"Nothing," you say, confused, shaking your head.

"Don't lie to me!"

"I don't know what you mean!" And that is when he smiles. It is the thin-lipped smile of nightmares. You have seen it a few times since they brought him here and it makes you shiver.

"You belong to me," he says and those words fill you with dread.

"I know I do, I know...Maggie is a __friend__ , someone to talk to thats all," and in your mind you are praying __Please don't take her away from me, please God don't let him do that -__ and that is when you realise just how much she means to you...but not in the way the Soldier thinks.

You look into his eyes and try to plead your case. "She's...someone I can talk to. She's, like...like..."

"Like what?" his voice is hard and as he speaks his grip tightens.

"Like a mother to me," you finally admit, not just to him but to yourself - __what I always thought a mother should be.__

"You are here for me. __Just__ me. Do you understand?" And much to your shame you begin to cry again, silent tears that run down your cheeks. He turns you so you face him and now has a hold of both of your arms.

 _ _She has not replied and he shakes her; the anger makes him bruise her arms, makes him shake her harder than he should, makes her cry. "Do you understand?!"__

" _ _Yes...yes," and as she speaks he propels her backwards until the back of her knees hit the sofa and she falls down so she is sitting on it. He stands so close to her, looking down, looking at her face, her eyes, her lips and then he smiles again like he did before. "You won't mind showing me then that you understand that," he says unbuckling his belt and unzipping his trousers.__

It has been a long time since he has forced you to do something you don't want to do. Whilst he has at times been cold and distant in your lovemaking, this is different. He is doing it to show you the power he has over you.

He grabs your hair in his right hand and pulls you closer to him. "So show me just how much you __love__ me." His voice is hard. You reach up and release him. You can smell that strong musky scent, and as you lean forward his hand moves to the back of your head and grips your hair tighter. You couldn't get away even if you tried.

He is not gentle, does not wait for you to take him in slowly and you feel as if you are going to choke. You can hear his hard breathing, you hear him groan and then the overwhelming taste of him fills both your mouth and throat as he comes.

"You belong to me..." he says quietly through gritted teeth "only me. You're mine," he grunts and he holds on to you until the last drop. Then he pulls away, tucks himself back in and zips up, all the time watching you and you look downwards. You don't want to look at him. He reaches forward and puts his hand under your chin and pulls your head up so you have to.

" _ _You won't...you won't harm her will you?" she whispers and he deliberately smiles, then, letting go of her, he turns and walks away. Let her worry, let her wonder if he will destroy the other person now in her life.__

 _ _It is only a matter of time.__

The tape that records everything in your quarters hears all. And now not only does the Winter Soldier know how fond of Maggie you are, but Alex Pierce will know to when he reads the daily report from your quarters. Something you haven't even considered.

 **...**

After he had finished with you yesterday afternoon you tried not to think, tried not to argue with yourself about how much you hate him and how much you love him too. You wonder again at what Maggie said to you. __What was it you did in a previous life?__ But then your negative mind jumps in. What if by serving some punishment for being such a bad person __you__ are the one who has stranded James in this life? What if to hurt you more fate chose the man __you__ love to suffer? You know you are being stupid but your parents taught you well in the art of guilt. You would take on guilt for everything in the world if your mind allowed you to and that makes you feel so very tired.

The Winter Soldier had showered and you had both eaten although you pushed yours around the plate. In the end he had thumped the table, making you jump.

"Eat it!" And you had obeyed.

During your time here you have not used the single bed even once. The Winter Soldier prefers you in his bed, no longer pushes you out but instead holds you as if he is never going to let you go. Tonight is no exception. He is brutal, he forces you face down onto the bed and takes you from behind. His body is heavy on top of yours, you find it difficult to take a breath. You have always found sodomy hurts you so much and he isn't quick; instead he uses long strokes to cause you pain until in the end you beg him to come. His hand is in your hair and he whispers in your ear. "I haven't even started yet," and you clutch the pillow.

"Please," you beg.

"Are you fucking her?" he asks and for a moment you don't know what he means and then you realise.

"No...no...it isn't like that..." He can hear the tears in your voice and you whimper as you feel like your skin is being torn. "Please, please..."

"Who else are you fucking?"

"No one, no one please believe me..." you whimper as more pain hits you. "I've only ever slept with you, you know that, please stop, please..." And you break down and cry, your sobs hiccup because you cannot get your breath and at last he climaxes and moves out of you.

You turn over, meaning to leave the bed to go to the bathroom to clean yourself but you feel his grip on your shoulder.

"Where do you think you're going? I __told__ you I haven't finished with you yet..." and he pushes you now down onto your back, kneels between your legs.

He is already hard again as he forces himself into you, again his body pinning you to the mattress so you have difficulty moving, breathing. Then he is looking at you, deep into your eyes. His are cold but angry, so very angry.

"You won't see her again, do you understand?" But you can't speak. __No please don't let this happen,__ you pray, but you know he means it.

"But I have to, she's Pierce's assistant, she lets me know what is happening. But that is all. I promise I won't be...friendly...just don't hurt her. I'll keep it pure business, nothing else!" You are not aware of just how desperate you sound, but he is.

He stops moving and grasps your hair in his hand and pulls your head so it is tilted back on the pillow and then you feel his lips on your throat, kissing you. His fist tightens in your hair and you feel him bite into you harshly on your neck until you cry out.

When he looks at you again he has blood on his teeth and lips. Your blood.

"As long as you understand." And you whimper __yes.__ Then that thin lip smile. "Good girl," and he begins kissing you again where he has bitten you and you sob as he moves deeper into you.

Just before he comes he whispers in your ear.

"I'll be watching."

And now you are somewhere you don't want to be.

 **...**

He is awake this time for what they called __training,__ but unusually they did not specify what. They woke you first as usual and twenty-four hours later you stood with them and helped him down from the platform when they woke him. The first day he spent in a haze of programming and sleep. The second day he caught you crying with Maggie and now the third day you are here in training with him so he can watch you, keep an eye on you, know where you are, know what you are doing. You feel as though you can't breathe.

That is why you think he has brought you here. It has not occurred to you that there may be another reason.

There is this hard side to him now which you believe has something to do with the second personality. It is as if a little part of that personality leaks through. At times like this it makes him possessive, suspicious, unreasonable. You have to learn to live with it until they next wipe him and you hope by doing that, it puts it back to sleep.

You have never watched him train in this complex before, and the area he has brought you to looks daunting. When Felix had seen you with him, he argued against you being here. "She can't come in here!" Then he moved closer to you, saw the bruise on your cheek, the shadow of a mark on your throat that you have tried to cover with your collar. Saw the way you won't meet his eyes and saw the Winter Soldier's grip on your arm – not letting you go.

He studies the Winter Soldier, the flat gaze, and knows this is an argument he is not going to win but he tries once more.

"Look, it's not fair on her, you know what she will see. Come on..." But the Winter Soldier makes you sit down on a seat in a small glass panelled enclosed area which overlooks another larger area that looks like an arena. He then leans in close and whispers something. He looks at you and the look in his eyes is...one you didn't expect to see. Not anger, not fear, not sadness...but something that makes you want to hold him and never let him go.

"I only have you."

Is he trying to apologise for his behaviour over the last forty-eight hours?

He nods once to Felix and then leaves. Felix looks at you and then blows out air. "Sorry Freya, it's not something I would choose for you to watch," and, shaking his head he follows the Soldier out.

You are not sure what Felix means. You have seen the Soldier train in years past. What could be so different here?

You look up as the light goes out where you are sitting and lights go on in the arena. It is a large area, the size of half a football pitch and although the floor looks like vinyl it has a covering of what looks like sand on it. There are bright lights shining down onto the area. That is when you realise over the other side is an enclosure and there are people moving about. Alex Pierce, Maggie, and others. Because of how things are laid out they cannot see you. From where you are sat you have no way out to the arena although you can see they do.

Why are you here?

 **...**

 _ _Felix finds the Winter Soldier waiting for him in the changing rooms. He is in combat trousers only. Even his feet are bare.__

 _ _He has been given no weapons.__

 _ _Felix looks into the empty eyes. The Winter Soldier is waiting to fulfil his orders.__

" _ _Listen, just do what Pierce wants, okay? Then we can get back to..." Back to what? He can't call it normality.__

 _ _The man standing in front of him, the Winter Soldier, has saved his life. Felix has worked with him for long enough now to know what he is capable of and a few times has felt incredibly sorry for the poor bastard but he cannot help him, no one can. He knows the rages he is capable of, the slaughter, but he is also aware of what this man can be if he is left out of cryo freeze for too long and the memories start to return. He is aware of his human side.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier has already been given his orders for this 'training' session and he will follow them to the letter. It is so unnecessary Felix believes: a waste of time and resources. He was there when Pierce laid down the orders.__

" _ _You will remain in the arena. You will not attempt to leave it at any time. You will not be armed in any way. You will not attempt to use any weapons that become available. However, you will defend yourself and you will take out the men who enter in a moment. Do you understand?" Pierce's voice was neutral, not giving anything away. He has top level visitors with him touring the mountain base - top level Hydra. They want entertainment, and Pierce wants to please them. He wants them on his side, wants their approval, their money, for the next stage of his project; Project Insight. So far he has them in the palm of his hand. If they want entertainment, he will give them entertainment.__

" _ _Do you understand your parameters?" he asks and the Winter Soldier replies in the affirmative.__

 _ _Pierce nods to himself and goes to leave but then turns back to Felix. "One more thing. Power down his arm."__

" _ _But..." Felix knows Pierce will not rescind the order and so reluctantly he powers down the Winter Soldier's arm. It will still function, but just as a normal human beings would. The main problem will be the lack of power to help carry the weight of the metal.__ _ _The order is therefore more detrimental than it first appears.__

" _ _Okay, then let's show these gentlemen what our asset can do," Alex says and then turns and leaves out of the back door to join his guests whilst Felix leads the Winter Soldier to another door.__

" _ _Good luck," he says and the Soldier turns to him, still nothing in his eyes. Then opening the door he walks through and out into the arena.__

 _ _He turns around assessing the area. Taking everything in. He has trained in here before but nothing like this. He can feel the sand on the floor already between his toes, irritating them.__

 _ _He sees the people on the open viewing platform. He ignores the glassed off area where he knows Freya is; doesn't want to draw attention to it. No one can see into it so he knows she is safe. Only he and Felix know she is there. He doesn't understand why he wants her so close to him. He just knows he needs her there.__

 _ _There is a noise and on the other side of the area another door is unlocked and twelve men come through. The door is closed and locked behind them.__

 _ _A voice comes over a tanoy. It is not Pierce's. He doesn't recognise whose voice it is.__

" _ _Welcome, gentleman," it says to the men who have entered.__

 _ _These men are brutes. Some are ex-soldiers, some convicts, others murderers. But they have one thing in common: they are all from death row. They have been given this chance to get out of jail free, to start a new life. Just one thing stands in their way - the man standing over the other side of the room, the Winter Soldier - if he leaves this place alive they die.__

 _ _They have chosen their weapons. Guns are not allowed. Some have chosen knives, some axes, one man even has chains, another what looks like a claw hammer - bigger than its normal counterpart but everything they have chosen will cause serious damage and will kill.__

" _ _Once this man is dead, you will have your freedom," the tanoy tells them, and that is the only thing they need to know.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier's mind goes into action immediately, tracking his enemies. He spends time learning their strength and weaknesses, who is willing to work together, who are loners. Each time one of them comes at him he ducks, weaves, making it look simple.__

 _ _The auditorium is warming up and sweat begins to run down his body as he moves and ducks. Now that he has the measure of them he begins to pick them off one by one. One man gets too close and loses his life within seconds. Others taunt him, thinking the odds are against him, but they do not realise what they are up against and after quarter of an hour five of them are dead and there is barely a scratch on the Winter Soldier.__

 _ _On the viewing platform Pierce's guests are watching closely. One of them turns to Pierce.__

" _ _I can't see that the odds are very fair. I know the money we have spent on this project, I know what he can do. This isn't that impressive." He has always been a pain in Pierce's side. Pierce knows what he wants, what all the men on the platform want – they want to see the Winter Soldier bleed, they want to see him hurt, laid low, but then come back from that adversity and slaughter the remaining men.__

 _ _Pierce thinks for a moment and then stands. He picks up a phone and speaks softly to someone.__

 _ _He then turns to Felix and beckons him to follow. "I think it would be useful if the gentlemen can see how he copes when injured," he says and walks down the steps leading into the arena. He turns at the last moment and beckons his driver Benny to follow.__

 _ _Benny is tall, muscular, but only a few years away from running to fat because he likes his food and TV. He is Pierce's driver/bodyguard and he is no better than a thug, a bully, using his weight to intimidate. There is no intelligence there although he believes himself to be clever, he also is beginning to think he is invincible as Pierce's righthand man, even Maggie has problems with him. Felix likes to believe in time he will fall and fall hard.__

 _ _Meanwhile, down in the arena the door the Winter Soldier entered through is thrown open and a STRIKE team enters, guns trained on the convicts, commanding them to move back. The Winter Soldier knows not to fight and holds his ground until Pierce is in front of him.__

" _ _Benny. Come here a moment, would you?" Pierce beckons him forward to stand next to him. Benny stands in front of the Winter Soldier, who is taller: but Benny is heavier, and that pure bulk makes him think he is unbeatable. As he looks at this__ pretty boy, _ _he is too stupid to realise he himself is nothing but a mean bully. He has never seen the Winter Soldier fight before today.__

" _ _Do you think you can even the odds a little?" Pierce says. Benny frowns, not understanding and Pierce tuts. "Injure him a little." And Benny smiles.__

" _ _Sure Boss." He reaches into his pocket and brings out a brass knuckle duster and slots it over his hand. But as he steps forward and raises his fist the Winter Soldier throws a punch and Benny ends up on the ground. Benny is furious, belligerent, mean. Felix comes forward as several STRIKE members aim their guns on the Soldier ready to fire.__

 _ _Pierce has stepped back.__

" _ _Wait! Wait, don't fire!" Felix says. "You told him to defend himself, he is just obeying your orders," Felix shouts to Pierce quickly, sweat dribbling down the back of his shirt as he thinks how the Winter Soldier could take them all out if things aren't clarified.__

 _ _Pierce looks back at the Winter Soldier, who is now standing still. Benny is pulling himself up, a mean glint in his eyes and a bruise coming up on his jaw. He steps forward again.__

" _ _You will let this man hurt you and you will do nothing to protect yourself from him, do you understand?" Pierce says and sees the frown on the Winter Soldier's face. The order makes no sense to him.__

" _ _I said, do you understand?" Pierces voice is dangerously low.__

" _ _Yes."__

 _ _Pierce steps back and nods at Benny and Felix stands, watching as the Winter Soldier does not move, does nothing to protect himself and Benny punches him three times in rapid succession in the gut. The third punch drives him back a few inches. Benny has put everything into the punches; he is determined to teach this pretty boy a lesson.__

 _ _Benny looks at Pierce, who nods again, and this time Benny walks behind the Winter Soldier and lands three more hard punches where his kidneys are. A normal man would have toppled on the first one but the Winter Soldier takes the pain, hides it away for later but his mouth opens and he takes a deep breath.__

 _ _Then Benny walks around to the front again, grinning, and without waiting for the go ahead punches the Winter Soldier in the face twice, breaking his nose and driving him to his knees with the pain as blood flows down his face. But after a deep breath the Winter Soldier gets back up and stands on the spot, bruising beginning to show on his body.__

" _ _Tough guy huh?" Benny says. Like all bullies the world over, he knows the man in front of him cannot fight back and he is enjoying himself. He turns to Felix and holds his hand out. "Knife," he says, grinning. He has pulled off the duster and put it in his pocket.__

 _ _Felix doesn't move but looks at Pierce who just nods. "This is sheer stupidity. He's an assassin for Gods sake not a...a..."__

" _ _I want them to see how dangerous he is," Pierce says quietly, making it obvious this is the last time he will explain himself.__

 _ _One of the STRIKE team walks forward and hands his knife to Benny. Benny takes it and walks back to the Winter Soldier. "Lets see how a big hard guy like you deals with a little bit more pain huh?" And he draws the sharp knife across the Winter Soldier's chest, opening the skin up and blood bubbles up straight away and dribbles down his chest.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier does not move, doesn't even blink, and Benny's jaw tightens. He moves in real close, knowing the man cannot defend himself and suddenly draws his hand back and plunges the blade into the Winter Soldier's side, twisting it as it goes in.__ __The Soldier grunts at the pain.__

" _ _Hey, hey," Felix steps forward and Pierce's hand stops him.__

" _ _Benny knows what he's doing. He may look stupid but he knows his way around the anatomy, he comes in useful when I need people to tell me something and they don't want to."__

 _ _And he is right; the knife wound will hurt like hell and bleed but nothing serious will happen unless the Winter Soldier does not get treatment. For now though, he can live with it. The Winter Soldier is grimacing as the knife twists, slices through a chunk of a rib and is then removed and his hand involuntarily grips the area. He tries again to breathe deeply. Blood is trickling from his nose and dripping to the sand.__

" _ _Okay, Benny, thats enough,"__ _Pierce says. Only Benny doesn't hear him. Instead he moves forward and thrusts the blade into the Winter Soldier's left thigh, again turning the blade in the muscle it has penetrated and causing a moments numbness which means the Winter Soldier falls to one knee as part of his leg loses feeling._

" _ _Benny!" Benny looks around and Pierce sees the mean look in his employee's face. Benny is showing a confidence which is not good.__

" _ _Yes, boss?"__

" _ _I said that's enough!"__

 _ _Pierce and the others return to their guests, who now have sat forward to watch the turn of events. Maggie is watching them now, although she averted her eyes to what was happening in the arena – she is just pleased that Alex wasn't making Freya watch this. How is she going to explain to Freya the damage done to the Winter Soldier when he returns to his quarters?__

 _ _Pierce can see the greedy look in his guest's eyes and knows already that he has won. After the meeting he must have a quiet word with Maggie and get her to hire another driver. Benny has reached his 'sell by' date. He will get Felix or one of this men to deal with him later.__

 _ _The STRIKE team withdraw, leaving the Winter Soldier down on one knee, bleeding, and wounded. The door is closed behind them but he wouldn't even try to escape if the door had been left open, escape is not an option open to him.__

 _ _There are seven convicts left.__

 **...**

When you saw what was happening the first thing you tried to do was find a way out of the glass enclosure and into the arena, but there isn't one. Exactly what is it you think you could have done if you could have got out there? The door behind you leads to the corridor, and although you could go back to your quarters you cannot leave him.

You watched in horror at the first part of whatever the hell this is. You could see there is a problem with his left arm; at times the weight of it made him lean to the side, and that meant someone had powered it down. What the hell for? What was happening? This is not a training session whatever Pierce calls it.

Over in the enclosure you can see Pierce and his cronies. And Maggie. She is sat watching, and from time to time answers questions from the men or passes them coffee; whatever they want, you even see her laugh on occasion. Is this why you are here? Is this what he wanted you to see? That Maggie is one of them? You had no doubt about that. You know that Maggie will do anything Pierce asks of her. You would do the same for the Winter Soldier.

You have no doubt the Soldier would kill the men in the ring but why do you have to watch? What is behind his thinking?

And then you see Pierce join him in the arena. A small team of STRIKE soldiers enter and hold the convicts at bay – you are sure you recognise one of the team as the man Caldwell introduced you to so long ago. What was his name? Rumlow?

You see a fat man whom you know is Pierce's chauffeur, and you see the Winter Soldier floor him. But then something changes and instead the man is hitting the Soldier and he is not fighting back – just standing there, taking it. You saw the glint of a knife and watch the damage done. Why isn't he defending himself? From here you can see blood running down his face, his side and his thigh and you can see they have deliberately injured him.

Then they leave him to face the remaining men. The men who are armed and in good health. He has no weapon and you cannot understand why he does not pick up one of those dropped by the men he has killed. You do not know he is under orders not to.

You sit down slowly, not being able to tear your eyes away as the fight begins again. There is nothing you can do.

 **...**

 _ _The convicts have not wasted any time now they know their prey is injured. There is no pity in any of them.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier stands, his blood mixing with the sand, but all he is focused on now is speed. He needs to take these men down as fast as possible because he knows he is seriously injured - not enough to stop him, but enough to know that he does not have long.__

 _ _The men have joined together. Two have knives, two axes, one seems to have found a machete from somewhere, one chains and the last a claw hammer. That is the most dangerous weapon, because it is too small to track in the action.__

 _ _It takes him twenty long minutes to kill them. It had come down to the remaining man who had the hammer. As the others had fought that man had kept swinging the hammer into both of the injuries Benny had inflicted and into the Soldier's left knee, trying to create more weakness.__

 _ _When the last man has been killed, Pierce's guests in the enclosure had actually stood up and clapped.__

 _ _Do they think they are emperors? Maggie thinks to herself, still stunned by what she had to see and by their reactions, but she should know better and does not display her shock.__

 _ _What the hell? Felix thinks, already moving to run out to the arena.__

" _ _See to our boy..." Pierce had said to him, already moving his guests out so they could be entertained elsewhere. Maggie has laid on food and more drink, by the time they head back they will be as drunk and as bloated as skunks.__

 _ _Felix has already sent Jason to show Freya the way to the arena and a medical team are also en route. The Soldier is on his knees, head down, rasping for breath. Dead men surround him, their blood mixing with his in the sand.__

 **...**

You are both back in your quarters. The Winter Soldier bearing stitches and cuts and bruises over his body, his nose broken and his eyes blackened. They gave him an MRI to ensure sure the knife had not done serious damage inside and he had been lucky – thats what they had said and you had glowered at them. Lucky? Even his feet are bruised and scratched, with blisters between the toes where the sand had irritated them.

His arm has been powered back up but there are problems with his left knee. They will have to operate tomorrow as the metal in his knee has been dented from the continual blows and it is difficult for him to straighten his leg out.

At some time during the fight, sand had been thrown in his eyes and they are red and sore. You kept having to smack his hand to stop him from rubbing at them and making the damage worse. You washed them carefully, at first getting him to submerge his face in a bowl of water and opening his eyes. You didn't have a special eye wash so you had to use sterilised water. You just hope it is enough until the serum can start it's work.

After the medical team had finished with him he insisted on returning to his quarters. He did not want to spend the night in the medical bay.

You helped him into bed and then gave him a bed bath, trying to be as careful as you could, sponging carefully around the stitches and bandages. You cleaned his feet, ensuring all the sand was washed away and then massaged cream into the soles. After that you rubbed lotions into his scarring and then helped him dress in clean pyjama bottoms.

The heat coming from him now is strong and he is sweating profusely, the saltiness of the sweat running down into his wounds. You wish there were a window you could open. Instead you borrow three fans from the main room and have them blowing cool air over the bed to try and make him more comfortable.

And all the time as you help him he watches you, obeys you when you tell him to move or lift his arm...or do anything really. And then he lifts his hand and caresses your face and you realise you are crying. Why do you always cry? It doesn't matter if you are hurt, angry, upset: you cry. It is a weakness in you, one you cannot control when it comes to him. You close your eyes and lean into his hand. He pulls you closer so he can kiss your lips.

"Careful," you say. You don't want to hurt him.

"You hate me don't you? You must," he says, looking into your eyes. He could drown in them.

"No! No why would you think that?" you ask, sitting on the side of the bed.

"Because __I__ hate myself. I hurt you...I was jealous, I __wanted__ to hurt you. I made you watch this afternoon. I wanted you to see what Pierce and his woman are really like...but I'm worse than them, much worse...I needed you there, close by, it was selfish but I couldn't stop myself." He looks down picking at the loose threads of the blankets – so like James in so many ways. "I have such difficulty controlling myself at times. Theres this...anger, this...rage inside of me which takes over and..." He falls quiet and you think he has finished. You go to say something when suddenly he looks up at you. "I can't control him," he says and there is fear in his words.

You know exactly who he is talking about.

How do you reply? You were about to say that people such as Pierce are in Hydra because they want power, money they are greedy, they want everything. But the Winter Soldier is different – how do you explain that difference to him. How - when you cannot tell him about James?

How do you answer him about the dangerous side of him that even he cannot control?

You lean in close to him, draw the back of your fingers down his cheek, look into those eyes that are so damaged in more ways than one.

"I will help you, I promise. I will take anything __he__ throws at me and I will never leave you." You kiss his lips gently. " _ _Never, never__ compare yourself to them. Your life is totally different to theirs. You do what you do because you believe you are making a better world. You do not have the choice of making up your own mind about something. You are not allowed to...to be you."

He looks at you and you don't believe the tears in his eyes are because of the sand. He has so much conflict inside his mind, how does he cope? How does he not explode? The answer is that re-emergence of that part of him that has been released, the part he cannot control and you cannot blame him for that. Not in any way. He hurts just as much as the rest of you do but even then when he begins to find the road back to finding himself they take it away again.

"You hurt me, yes, and if you did that of your own volition I would hate you...but you don't. You know we can't talk of... _ _things,__ but listen to me carefully. I love you, I will never leave you no matter how much you hurt me, you are my life, without you I am nothing." You kiss him gently.

You know there is one more thing you need to talk to him about: Maggie.

"Whilst we are talking honestly to each other I need to talk to you about something," you say and he can see it's important to you. You take his hand and hold it in yours. "I just told you how much I love you, how I can't live without you. Maggie..." He goes to interrupt but you shake your head slightly and he closes his mouth and looks down at the covers, "Maggie feels the same way about Alex. She could do nothing to hurt him or to allow harm to come to him and sometimes...sometimes that can make you feel so incredibly alone when the person you love does not love you back with the same intensity."

 _ _He looks back up not realising she is not just talking about Maggie. She is talking about herself as well. If he had realised he would have told her he loves her but he takes it for granted that she knows. He doesn't realise he has never told her how he feels about her, never used those words__ I love you _ _.__

" _ _My parents loved each other, but they never loved me. They weren't cruel; they just did not have the capacity to love anyone else but each other. Because of that, it was as if I grew up without a mother and for some reason when I first met Maggie we "clicked", but not in any other way than as a daughter would to a mother. I feel something for her but it is you I love, you who means the world to me. If you want me to stop seeing her when I needn't I will because that is how much I love you – but it will hurt me. Can you understand that?"__

 _ _Her eyes search his and he wants to just hold her, tell her he doesn't want anything else to hurt her but he knows sometime in the future he will forget. He belongs to Hydra. He was made by them for the intense purpose of hurting and killing. How can he make promises?__

" _ _I won't stop you and I won't hurt her," he says, "but..." and he stops, not knowing how to put into words his greatest fear.__

" _ _But?" she says.__

" _ _You are all I have. What if I lose you? I can't lose you to anyone. Please understand, please," his voice is a whisper.__

 _ _She leans forward and kisses his forehead and she knows that they will have this conversation in the future a million times over. "You won't lose me. The only person who can ever tell me to leave you is you."__

 _ _And that is something that he can never envisage doing.__

 **...**

Later that night when he is asleep next to you, snoring because of his broken nose, you lie awake worrying about who you have become.

He once said that Hydra had created him as a killing machine, something that only ever hurts people. Today you stood by and watched him kill twelve people and not once did you consider them, their lives, their right to live. You didn't cry for them.

Now as the minutes tick by you turn your mind back to the missions he goes on. You never know the details of them except they will have resulted in the deaths of people you do not know. Each time you pray for his safe return, pray that he is not harmed. Not once do you think of the victims. What about the mission you had been on where the young girl was killed? You lie there now, her name was Lisa, she wanted to be a hairdresser but you can't even bring her face to mind. It used to make you cry but now the only time you seem to cry is for yourself.

What has Hydra turned you into? And even worse, why does it not seem to bother you anymore? Why do you not cry for the others?

You could drive yourself mad with the question. Perhaps you and the Winter Soldier have more in common than you believed.

The only thing is, he has Hydra to blame.

But you? You have no one to blame but yourself.


	68. Chapter 68 - The Awakening

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Sixty-Eight:**** ** **The Winter Soldier & The Awakening****

It is time for you to return to Cryo. The Winter Soldier is already sleeping and they are finalising your pod and connections. You are stood in your underwear, dressing gown, and a thick coat as the room is so cold. Two technicians talk quietly next to you. You are in front of your Soldier as he stands asleep, waiting for the next time they release him. Your eyes roam over him. Sometimes when he sleeps his eyes are half-shut, but this time they are fully closed. You prefer that. He looks more peaceful that way.

You hear the door open and turn, expecting to see another technician - but it is not. As the man walks closer you have a moments hesitation and then you recognise him. He is one of the STRIKE team, a man called Brock Rumlow. You met him some years ago with Caldwell and you have seen him at the base a few times in Pierce's company.

He nods to the technicians and then comes to stand next to you, also looking up at the Winter Soldier. He doesn't speak, which you find unusual, he just stands there looking up at the platform. The technicians will be closing the glass doors shortly. They leave them open until you are safely stored away because somehow they know you need to see him until the last possible moment.

You look at Rumlow's face. He looks as if he has grown up rough; he must now be in his mid-thirties and you know he is a rising star in Hydra. Not someone to watch in the power struggle that happens at the top of most large organisations, but more of a force to be reckoned with on the operations side. You can see him having control of his own STRIKE team one day and you guarantee that, unfortunately, he will be good at what he does.

You wonder why he has come. He turns and looks at you, crossing his arms, then turns back to the Winter Soldier. "Why do I always feel I know him?" he asks quietly, and you know the question is directed at you.

He looks back to you and you shake your head. "I don't know." It is not what you expected him to say and you do not really know what to reply with.

"I've...seen him before. I'm so sure I have. Every time I look at him, I get this..." And he looks back at the Soldier, forgetting to finish his sentence as if he has been caught off guard in a memory.

One of the technicians calls you over and you leave Rumlow to his thoughts.

A few moments later you realise he is still there, but it is time for you to start to prepare to sleep. You are given the last of the drink to swallow and then they open your pod. Rumlow has come over and is watching as you stand there bare-footed in your underwear and gown, your coat put to one side and you shiver.

"Sometime I think I nearly have it. I __know__ that I know him." He lets air out as if he is frustrated.

"Have you been on mission with him in the past?" you suggest, and he shakes his head. You struggle to take off your dressing gown, and he helps you without thinking. "He was there that time when you were with Jackson. You know. The party...?" you say, but he is already shaking his head.

"Even then I thought he was familiar."

You shrug. "Well unless you were around in the 1940's I don't think you could have known him," you say, and he frowns.

Brock Rumlow does not know the story of the Winter Soldier. Very few people know the true story. But right from the very first time he saw Hydra's Soldier, there was a familiarity there and it drives him to distraction that he doesn't know why.

"Why do you say the forties? Is that when he volunteered?" he asks, stopping you in your tracks.

"When he..." You look at him. "Did you say when he __volunteered__?" you ask and he can see by the look on your face it wouldn't take a lot to make you very angry.

"A wounded Russian soldier who volunteered is what we always heard, but..." It is his turn to shrug, inviting you to fill in the incomplete sentence.

The technicians come up to set some controls and you move slightly so they can get to your pod. Rumlow moves with you.

"But...?" you enquire.

He is quiet for a moment."I think he's an American."

You look at the ground as though counting for patience and then you look up at Rumlow.

"He didn't __volunteer.__ He was an American POW during the Second World War. He was captured and used as a lab rat by Zola. He was rescued, but then about a year later, after an accident on a mission, he was captured again and this time Hydra didn't let him go. He never __volunteered__. He would hate it if he knew what he had become. What __they__ have done to him!"

Your eyes are blazing now, but after putting him right you turn and walk away from him, back to your pod. You feel so very angry. __Volunteered__ – is that what they tell people?

You don't realise that Rumlow is following you.

"You know his full history?" he asks, and you ignore him as the technicians try and move around the two of you.

You continue to ignore him; instead, you tell the technicians you are ready.

Rumlow watches you for a few minutes, and then turns and starts to walk away. You feel so frustrated, like you want to hit something. You know you shouldn't say anything more. You turn around and watch as Rumlow goes to leave.

 _ _Just get in the pod, Freya,__ you tell yourself.

As he nears the door you call to him. You can't help it. You just want someone to know who James really is, you want to give him his name back, even if it is just one person who knows other than you. "Mr Rumlow...?" He turns. "Try Brooklyn...try looking up someone called Steve Rogers," you say and then you turn away and the technicians help you into the pod. By the time they close the lid, Rumlow has left with one more piece of the puzzle.

He knows the Winter Soldier. He just doesn't know where from.

 **...**

 _ _It is always dark here. Always. Never any light. Cold too, so cold that sometimes he feels as though he is made of ice. For a long time he has faced this alone until he found someone in the dark. Another person. No, not a person. He cannot call either himself or the other one a person: they have no body, no words, nothing but a sense of each other there in the dark. They know that they exist, but they do not know who they are. They don't know where they are. The other presence is such a welcome; just to know neither of them are alone here any more. Wherever here is.__

 _ _But now something is wrong. A noise disturbs the quiet and he feels a pang of fear. Another noise, and he feels the other one's panic as well. A disturbance, a tremor. Then vibration, that is the only way he can describe it. They huddle into each other more, two souls in fear.__

 _ _Then peace.__

 _ _But not for long and the noises start again. Terrible noises followed by a sense of being invaded, by being assailed. But not him. He is not touched.__

 _ _Then a tearing, both physically and mentally and he feels the other one's terror as he tries to cry out. Tries to put into words: No! Don't!__

 _ _And then quiet again, but this time the silence is so absolute that he knows he is alone totally. The other one has been taken. Is no longer there. He begins to weep, and as he weeps his soul feels as if it is breaking into a thousand pieces, each piece crying out for what has been taken away from him. The other one was more than just a comfort in the dark, the other one was part of him, he doesn't know how he knows that. He curls up into himself, feels as if he has been violated, torn, rejected. He is lost and alone again but this time it is worse because now he knows something has been taken away from him, something valuable, something he doesn't want to live without.__

 **...**

You wake to noise. The light hurts your eyes, and there are voices all around you, calling your name.

"Freya! Freya, wake up." Someone is pulling you up into the sitting position and you know you are going to be sick. They know you well and a bowl is put in front of you. You don't bring up a lot. You hate the nauseous feeling; you would rather have pain. You feel someone push a needle into your arm and know that the drug should begin to work quite quickly. Someone offers you water and you take a sip; all the while you are aware of panic in the room.

"What is it? What's wrong? Is the Soldier all right?" you ask – the Cryo Team always refer to him as the Soldier. The technician is talking to you and you are trying to take in what he is saying but your ears are humming.

"You've only be down for three days. It's the Soldier. There's something wrong with him."

You blink, trying to clear your sight, and you feel someone wrap your gown around you. You slip to your feet as they tie it closed, finally a coat.

Your pod is close to the Soldier's own container and you can see that they have the glass panels open. All of the main lights are on and there are several people up on the platform. The Soldier is still in cryo but there is something clearly wrong: he's moving.

"What is it? What happened?" you ask whilst the technician helps you to stand.

"That's what we're hoping you might know. It started a few hours ago. Has this happened to him before? It's as if he is... _ _fitting,__ or something." You both walk closer, and what you see alarms you.

The Winter Soldier is standing, some of the restraints are in place but some have been released. He is twisting and turning. If he had been awake, you would have thought he was looking for something. Every so often his body shudders and his arms flail out. At first glance it looks as if he is trying to escape his confines but his eyes are closed. His face is a grimace. As he moves he is in danger of pulling out leads.

"We are trying to stop the fits, or whatever they are. He's already broken the bone in his right arm; we're trying to warm him but you know how long it takes." As he says this the most awful sound comes from the Winter Soldier. It is like a wail, like something has torn his very soul out of his body. You have never heard anything like it before.

You have to stop and grab the bowl – __bloody cryo__ you think, as you are sick again.

"Sit down." The tech offers you a seat, which you gratefully take. You know your own limitations when you first come out. It will take at least half an hour for you to adjust, and nothing will speed it up. Your brain may as well be mush as you try and think, and your head feels as though it is splitting.

"Goddamn it!" you curse as you heave again.

"Hold him steady!" you hear a voice and look back to the platform as the Soldier's body shudders again. He begins to thrash, and then his left arm attempts to free itself and two of the pipes tear from their housing.

"Shit...seal it, seal the goddamn pipe before it burns his skin!"

"Let me get up there," you say but the tech is hesitant. "I might be able to talk to him, he might recognise my voice. There must be some sensory feelings there, because he is moving." The tech in charge gives the go ahead and they help you up on to the platform.

You stand next to him, looking up into his face. His eyes are closed but you think there are tears running down his cheeks even though to the others they just look like water from the thaw. His face is pale, the skin grey, and then his face scrunches up and his mouth opens and that terrible noise again. You put a hand on his arm and the other on his chest to steady yourself as well as hoping he can feel you.

You speak quietly, so quietly that only you and he can hear you.

"James. James, it's all right. You're safe, you're not alone." And you continue to talk quietly to him. His body shudders under your touch, but you don't think he can hear you.

It is another thirty minutes before they have fully warmed the Winter Soldier and are able to release all of the clamps holding him. And then they begin to awaken him. They decide to release him from the jacket whilst he is still stood up, and you help. He is unable at first to carry his own weight and as he falls forward a group of techs catch him, gently lowering him to a trolley. All the while you tell him he is all right. You can see utter confusion in his eyes. The techs are running hand-held scanners over him.

"No vital organs damaged..." They report on bones that have cracked or fractured. There are striations on his skin where parts of it have cracked, small rivulets of blood that you start to mop up. But other than the break in his right arm, he has escaped his predicament lightly.

"What happened?" he asks you, his voice groggy as if from a long sleep.

"We don't quite know. Don't try to talk, just breathe," you say. His eyes are not as cloudy now. He takes hold of your hand and will not let you go. He is not usually so uneasy when he wakes but the panic in his eyes seems to be subsiding now. When they get him to the medical bay though he still will not let you out of his sight.

Someone fetches a seat for you, which you are grateful for. You stay by his side moving when they need to get to him. You are feeling pretty groggy yourself as the effects of cryo are still in your body.

"Can you remember anything from when you were in cryo?" you ask and he shakes his head. His memory is a blank.

"I don't even know why I'm here. Have they woken me for a mission?" he asks and you shake your head.

"No..." You wonder how to explain it. "You were asleep, but then something seemed to disturb you."

 _ _When she says that an awful cold feeling makes him shudder, it is as if someone has just walked over his grave. It leaves him feeling sick but he can't catch why or what it is, it is so fleeting. Something about the dark? But no, too late it has gone.__

Pierce has sent through orders that the Soldier is to be kept out for two days so tests can be run. His injuries are treated and finally he is allowed back to his quarters. You both fall into bed and sleep but hours later you are woken by movement as he gets up to use the bathroom and you realise he has not slept at all.

"You should have woken me," you tell him and he tries to smile, shaking his head.

You prepare something small for both of you to eat. Two techs visit to do some tests and then you are both left alone again. You soon realise however that the Winter Soldier is trying to put off going to bed again and you ask him why.

"I don't know..." he says softly, but you know somehow that he does. You encourage him to lie in bed and you draw up a chair next to him. You have with you a book, one of your favourites that Maggie bought for you: __Jane Eyre.__ Whilst he lays there you read to him. It is not something you have done before but he finds it is helping to relax him. The fear he has bubbling up in his chest is fading.

He closes his eyes to listen but if you stop reading then he opens them again. At one point you stop and touch his arm.

"What is it?" you ask. He looks at the ceiling, how does he explain? "It's as if I'm afraid to sleep, something to do with the dark..."

"As if something is waiting for you? A nightmare perhaps?"

"No..." He looks at you. "It's as if there __isn't__ something waiting for me, something that __comforts__ me in the dark. I don't understand it...it's as if I've lost something." He shakes his head and tries to smile again: "Stupid. I just cant grasp it."

He looks at you and realises you need to sleep. You put the book down and get into bed beside him being careful of his right arm which is encased in bandages. You snuggle up close and very soon he gives in and sleeps. His sleep is peaceful and the next morning the tests begin but they cannot find anything wrong.

Before they put him back into cryo they wipe him again as a failsafe, no memories left. Then they freeze him again.

 _ _He is back in the dark, but this time he is alone. His soul curls around itself. He is lost again. There is no-one there with him. He is totally and utterly alone. There is no longer any comfort waiting for him in the dark.__

 **...**

 _ _He is being pulled away, being taken away from the one who comes and spends time with him. The one who made him realise he is not always alone after he had been for so very long.__

 _ _There is a roaring sound in his head which starts to fade away to sounds he can recognise instead. He opens his eyes. He doesn't know where he is. For just a spilt second he feels a profound loss and sadness as if he has been torn away from someone and he knows that someone is now left alone. It is as if something has been torn from his very being.__

 _ _Then light breaks through and he closes his eyes quickly again against the sudden glare. The feeling of loss is slowly ebbing away as he begins to know who he is. The more he remembers the more he loses the feeling of emptiness.__

 _ _He breathes deeply and opens his eyes again. There is an open window to his right with curtains gently billowing and the sound of traffic outside. There is a radio playing. Not music but a game. A baseball game.__

" _ _So the Dodgers tie the score..." A commentator talking. He listens. "Its just an absolutely gorgeous day here at Ebbets Field..."__

 _ _Above him a ceiling fan slowly rotates. A car horn blares outside and the noise is carried into his room on the breeze. He sees he is wearing a white tee-shirt with an SSR logo, light khaki pants, and boots. But he cannot remember how he got there, or what happened.__

 _ _Slowly Steve Rogers sits up. There is another open window to his left. The game is still playing on the radio. He stops, turns to look at it, and listens to it again and as he does the door opens and a young woman comes in.__

" _ _Morning..." She smiles at him, closes the door and looks at her watch "Or should I say afternoon." She walks forward and stops.__

" _ _Where am I?" he asks studying her, she is dressed in the uniform of an army nurse, pretty, long dark curly hair.__

" _ _You're in a recovery room in New York City," she says.__

 _ _He turns to the radio again and the announcer is saying that everyone at the game is on their feet and he can hear the crowd roaring.__

 _ _He looks back her and she sees the look in his eyes harden. "Where am I really?"__

 _ _She shrugs slightly to show her confusion. "I'm afraid I don't understand," she says.__

" _ _The game its from May, 1941. I know because I was there."__

 _ _The smile drops from her face as he stands up. "So I'm going to ask you again..." he says, now walking towards her. "Where am I?"__

 _ _In her hand is a silent alarm and she presses it but holds her ground. "Captain Rogers..."__

" _ _Who are you!?" he demands and as he does the door opens behind her and two soldiers enter armed, dangerous. Steve Rogers is immediately on the defensive. He only knows one thing for certain, he has to run.__

 _ _And he does.__

 **...**

And Brock Rumlow finally knows. He knows who the Winter Soldier is. He stands next to the memorial stone in SHIELD headquarters. The memorial that states all the agents who have lost their lives in the service of their country. He stares at the one name:

 _ _James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes.__

How many times has he seen that memorial? Every time he goes to and from the building, but not only that. How many times when he was growing up would there be Captain America documentaries on television, things learnt in school about the Second World War and the same names cropping up time and time again with photographs of the people concerned. Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, and their Howling Commandoes. No wonder he thought he was familiar. He had literally grown up with him.

Captain America and his pal, his buddy, his Bucky – James Barnes.

To a young Brock Rumlow they had always been heroes, people who had a moral compass, people he could emulate but somewhere along the way he had lost their innocence, lost their compassion, lost their moral compass. Being passed from foster home to foster home, being abused and never having someone come and rescue him. He had learnt the hard way that there is only one person you can rely on and that is yourself and so he began to forget about heroes: to him now they only belonged in comic books.

And now one of his greatest heroes from childhood had been reincarnated into someone whom he had a secret devotion for, someone he __wanted__ to be; the Winter Soldier.

He grins now to himself. Talk about destiny telling him he was on the right path.

That had been the first shock of the day to Brock.

The second was the news that the plane that went down carrying Captain America had been found – and not only that they can revive Captain America. They can bring back Steve Rogers.

It made Brock Rumlow's head swim that finally he wasn't alone any more. Hydra already had Barnes and now? Now they could work on taking Rogers and converting him. It would be easy.

All he had to do was tell Rogers – we have him; __we have your pal, your buddy, your Bucky. Join us.__


	69. Chapter 69 - Future Plans

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Sixty-Nine:**** ** **The Constant & The Winter Soldier – Future Plans****

The next time you are awoken, you realise that something big must be happening. The base is unusually active. There is a hangar incorporated into the mountain that is so large that it stores and acts as a runway for planes. These you find are flying out at all times of the day and night.

Two days after wake up, Maggie calls in to see you. The Winter Soldier is away on mission and Alex Pierce is back in the States so you both have time to spend with each other and to catch up. She looks tired and you ask her if she is all right. She smiles and tells you not to worry, blaming everything on age, and once again you feel the terrible guilt of being someone who never has to worry about getting old. It is a guilt you wish you did not have.

She tells you that you and the Winter Soldier are on the move again.

"Am I allowed to know where to this time?" you ask, and she nods.

"America. The land of the free," she says, tongue firmly in cheek. "You're going to be based at our Washington camp. It's about thirty miles outside of the city, but we also have an inner-city vault we will be using for the Soldier."

"How soon until we go?"

"As soon as his current mission is over with. Things are..." She searches for the right word. "...hotting up. Alex's new project is almost ready, and he wants his assets close and to hand."

You nod. "Am I allowed to know what this new project is?"

"No. I'm sorry, Freya."

"But it involves the Winter Soldier?" you enquire and she nods again. You can see it costs her not being able to tell you more. "I thought I would help you pack."

Over the course of the next day, Maggie tells you about the new base you will be on and one thing is obvious: you will have more freedom, your waking quarters will be on the surface. You will be able to breathe fresh air and watch as the seasons change. You will also be able to encourage the Winter Soldier to see those things. You have never forgotten his face when he watched birds fly on the thermals. Was he thinking of freedom you wonder?

During one of your chats, Maggie sits you down, and you know this is always a precursor to something serious. She has a warning for you. Alex is concerned that because you and the Winter Soldier are to be stationed in America, it may mean that the Winter Soldier could be prone to remembering things that he should not. That he will find more things familiar even though the base is in Washington and not Brooklyn.

"So his mind wipes and programming will be more severe," Maggie says, and you nod. What they give with one hand, they take away with the other.

"I don't think you fully understand," she says. "If either of you show any... _ _inclination__ to do anything you shouldn't, the punishment will be severe. Even...life threatening. Freya, you can't make any mistakes. Please. I need you to realise that. If Alex thinks in any way you are going against Hydra it will mean your death."

You try to smile. "I know that, Maggie. And I promise." You have lived your life on that knife edge before, with Lehmann. Not so much with Caldwell, but you knew exactly what you signed up to with Pierce.

Maggie looks down at her hands. "If you do...do something against Hydra, I won't...I won't be able to help you," her voice is quiet and you know exactly what she is saying. She will not go against Alex Pierce.

"I know," you say, just as quietly. "I'll behave. I promise." __I just won't let you know what I'm doing.__

By the time the Winter Soldier returns, Maggie has gone. She has arranged for the moving of your belongings to the new camp, and has advised you that both of you will be flown to your new home the next day. Once there you will both be placed in cryo after a couple of days grace to settle in. Some of the techs and guards will follow you there and you have no one left to say good bye to. The Winter Soldier's team won't change, and will work out of the base as well. You guess that it is a base that trains the STRIKE teams, and you would be right.

Things will be different...but the same.

 **...**

You are onboard the aeroplane, staring out of the window and the Winter Soldier is watching you. He has been out of cryo long enough to start having thoughts of his own, but the headaches have also begun. The aeroplane is big enough to carry about twenty people and his team are also aboard. Some are asleep, some watching a film with headphones on. You and the Soldier are seated at the back of the plane. You can never get over how beautiful it is above the clouds, but if you had a choice you would not travel by plane. You prefer to keep your feet on the ground, and when turbulence hits you feel a flutter of nerves.

The stewardess approaches to see if you want anything. She is beautiful and elegant and you feel dowdy beside her. You ask for some water and she smiles and asks if you want sparkling or straight; you don't know what she means so you guess straight and she fetches a bottle and glass for you.

"We'll be landing in about half an hour." She smiles at you again, and tries to hold onto the smile whilst looking at the man opposite you - but it's clear that he unsettles her. She does not ask him if he wants anything.

"Thank you," you reply, and she leaves you in peace. Truth be known you are feeling air sick and will be glad when the plane lands.

You take a sip of water and look at the Winter Soldier. "All change again," you say without thinking, and he looks at you for a moment.

"How so?" he asks, not understanding your comment.

"Another home. Another base."

He is quiet for a moment. "How many bases have we been to?" he asks and you curse inwardly.

"One or two." You shrug your shoulders and turn to look out of the window again, but he hasn't finished the conversation.

"Three or...four?"

You turn back to him. "Um..." You pretend to think whilst you work out if it will be detrimental to him to know that part of the truth, but you cannot see any danger in the information. "This will be our fourth. And, apparently, our living quarters will be on the surface again. Which will be good."

This time it is him that turns and looks out of the window indicating you hope that the conversation is finished with.

"Do you know where it will be?" he asks out of the blue.

"Where what will be?" you ask stupidly.

"The base." And now you look across at his team. They are not taking any notice of you. You keep your voice low.

"America." But you can see he is waiting for more. "I believe just outside of Washington, but that's all I know. I'm thinking it might be one of the STRIKE team camps, we were...posted to one before."

He nods and goes back to looking out of the window.

 _ _He watches the clouds, wondering what it would be like to be free.__ _He knows such thoughts are forbidden, are against his training, against Hydra, but every so often they creep unbidden into his mind. Sometimes he feels that he is getting to a point where he will know more about himself but then something seems to come along and take it away. If he questions anything, then that to is taken away. He is learning to be quiet, and to pick up information when and where he can. He clenches his fist, he wants to lean forward and tell Freya he is having thoughts that he thinks are memories. But then his head starts to hurt and he remembers what they told him about her – that she has no loyalty to Hydra, she cannot be trusted with too much. He is told to just use her as a chattel, that she is no more than a servant._

 _ _The saddest thing in the world is what he does not know, what he does not realise. At the end of this mission time they will wipe him and he will forget all of this and have to start again. His life and thoughts are like a never ending circle, he just does not realise there is no end to it, never a finish line he can reach. Each time he has to start again following the circle.__

Your plane lands at a private airstrip connected to the main base and Maggie is there to meet both of you and take you to your quarters. You enter a building very similar to Caldwell's old base – they all seem to be built to the similar designs. You are both tired after the flight, and Maggie tells you to settle in and she will come back later and show you around. All of your clothes and belongings are there in your quarters already. Maggie has been busy. For once she talks directly to the Soldier.

"Tomorrow whilst I show Freya around, Felix will give you a tour of the camp. I hope that's all right?" He doesn't have a choice but she wants to keep him happy for your sake. He nods and then you find yourselves alone.

You wander around the rooms and realise they're definitely the same layout as before: bedroom attached to a living space, kitchenette and windows you can open, a small patio you can sit out on. When you go into the bathroom he hears you squeal and comes in.

"What is it?" he asks and you point excitedly.

"A bath! We have a bath as well as a shower..." And you can see he is totally perplexed by your reaction. The look on his face being one many men have had when confronted with a woman's reaction to something and they are not sure what they should reply. You turn and move up close to him, put your hand on his arm and stand on tip toe and kiss his cheek, he is so close and you can smell him, see that he needs a shave, feel his body heat. "Wait until you soak away your aching muscles," you say.

He looks at you and you see a change come over him, one that makes your heart race; a softening as he looks at you. "Maybe my muscles ache now, perhaps you can show me?" he says, his voice husky.

And you respond because you need his closeness, you need him as much as he needs you.

 **...**

You would like to be able to say that life settles down at the base as you thought it would – and it does it is just you and your Soldier are in cryo. When you are next brought out you discover eighteen months have gone by in a blink of an eye.

 **...**

He awoke shortly after you. He is back to using cryo pods and you are glad, although his pod is so much more complicated than yours and is powered still by the mysterious blue light. You once asked one of the technicians what it was and he gave you a long and extremely boring explanation of something he called a Tessellate. You wish you had not asked.

You get the feeling this wake up is not going to be a good one. Sometimes there is a palpable distance between the two of you and this time is no exception. He had been wiped before he was frozen and he has been for his programming and now he is cold and distant with you. His headaches are bad again and he is bleeding from his ears, nose and even sometimes eyes. His whole mind is being scoured each time, raked and shredded. It is a wonder he survives.

 _ _They put in new layers about his surroundings, about being in America. The mind wipes will be more profound, more detrimental. Pierce does not want anything coming back to the Winter Soldier about his previous life. He needs to be based over here; there is more and more that will be happening and Pierce wants to make sure all his assets are to hand and that includes his soldier.__

 _ _A new layer has been added regarding the Constant as well. Alex Pierce does not want her gaining__ any _ _power over him whatsoever, and he is sure he has seen a new closeness developing between them. The new layer makes the Winter Soldier suspicious of her, tells him to only trust those loyal to Hydra. It tells him she has no loyalty to Hydra; ironically, it is just confirming the truth. But worse for their relationship it makes him more paranoid, more jealous than ever before. This, coupled with the message that she is untrustworthy sends mixed feelings, mixed messages until it comes to a point he no longer knows how to feel about her, how to react. One minute hating her, the next wanting her, then next thinking she will leave him for someone else and that causes panic which circles back around to hating her. These feelings have always been there, but the programming just intensifies them more and more – encouraging the madness in him to take hold until one day he will not be able to control it at all.__

 _ _Freya is to be used as an exit point on the current mission. 'But do not trust her too much', he is told time and time again until he gets to the point where even to look at her makes him confused, angry, makes his head hurt because something in him wants to trust her, something tells him he can trust her. But then his paranoia will kick in, is this how she operates? She makes him believe she is trustworthy? And yet deep down inside common sense nags at him. If she cannot be trusted, if she is not loyal to something then why do Hydra choose to use her, why not use someone else instead?__

You think everything is running smoothly, you met the Winter Soldier on time and now you are on your way back. And then up ahead you both see a hastily constructed road block. The block is not a serious one, just two policemen and one car, they don't really have a chance of stopping anyone but at least they are trying.

"Don't stop. Keep your foot down." The Winter Soldier says to you, unholstering his gun and ensuring it is loaded. You are beginning to feel sick.

"Shouldn't I stop and..."

"I said __drive__!" And with that he puts his foot over yours on the accelerator and pushes your foot down. You nearly lose control of the car and the tyres squeal. The road block is coming up fast and you see the two policemen in the middle of the road with guns raised and ready to fire.

"Drive!" he yells at you again. He's taken his foot away and you floor the pedal. The car heads straight for them and the Soldier leans out of the window, taking careful aim, and fires. One man goes down clutching his leg and the other leaps out of the way as you drive the car through them but at the last minute you swerve to one side, hit the kerb and then try to straighten up. Because you rebound off the curb it forces your car into the police car; there is a terrible grinding noise of metal against metal and the police car ends up facing the wrong way, and then you are away. You hear shots being fired after you.

"What the hell are you doing?" the Winter Soldier angrily shouts at you.

"I didn't want to run over the man you shot!" you yell back, and for just a second he looks at you in disbelief. "What? What?" you yell.

He looks out of the back window and sees the one remaining policeman on the radio. The man then runs to his partner in the road. All he can do is stare after you in frustration as he waits for an ambulance for his partner and pray they will get you further up the road.

After a few turns as instructed by the Soldier, you realise you are heading into the suburbs and you find your hands trembling. You hear police sirens in the background. You haven't got long before they spot you. The Soldier is scanning both sides of the street and suddenly he yells at you to stop. You do.

"Out...get out!" he yells throwing open his door and climbing out of the car.

There is no one around and you follow him as he runs up a driveway to a car and before you can say anything he smashes the window and reaches in opening the door, telling you to get in. He then breaks open the steering column by clubbing it with his gun and, after tearing out the wires, somehow he starts the car. Just as he is reversing it off the driveway someone comes flying out of the house.

"Hey! Hey, that's my car!" the woman screams. You lean forward looking at her and put your hands up mouthing the word __sorry__. The Soldier ignores her and, after throwing the car into forward gear, he takes off down the road again.

"Get on the phone and tell them whats happened. Tell them we need a new exit route!" he growls at you and you lean forward to pick up the phone...that you realise you left in the other car.

"You've done what?"

"Well I didn't know what you were doing! You could have told me!" You try to defend yourself but you know it is solely down to you. Normally the phone is in your pocket but you had taken it out whilst you were waiting for him and placed it on the dashboard.

He looks at you for a brief moment and you see his mouth tighten. Then he turns back to the road. He is now driving on one of the main routes and you can see he is thinking. You see signs pointing towards different places. He knows anywhere they head on the main road will lead to more road blocks and the owner of this car will already be onto the police reporting it stolen.

He starts to slow the car until it is nearly stopped and looks at a small road going off to the right, leading to a park. He turns and drives the car slowly down a tree covered tarmac road. About half a mile down there is a track leading off and he takes that and you find yourself being driven down something that is no more than a rutted track. It comes out to a small clearing where the trees are being cleared. There is no one around.

He pulls the car over to the side of the track where it cannot be easily seen and tells you to get out.

"We'll go through the park and see where it comes out. They'll be looking for us to be driving in the other direction..." and he turns and jogs through the trees until he comes out to the edge of a clearing. It is a makeshift car park. There are four cars parked around you, but no sign of anyone.

"Can't we just take another car?" you ask quietly and he shakes his head and slowly walks forward into the car park, looking into the other cars. He finds one of interest and then looks around makes sure there is still no one about. Getting his knife out somehow he gets the window to slide down – you're impressed and tell him so. He just looks at you and you decide that it would be best if you say nothing for the time being. He opens the car door.

" _ _Keep a look out," he growls, disappearing into the interior of the car. The day is warm and she is in jeans, jumper and trainers. He is in his normal uniform and his arm is uncovered. He searches and comes out with an man's old jacket he shrugs on so his arm is covered and she hears him pop the boot.__

 _ _In the trunk, under a blanket, he finds a ladies handbag and some bottles of water. He rifles through the bag and finds a mobile phone; it's old, but if he is lucky there maybe some life left in it. He looks around and then back down at the phone and switches it on. Eventually a welcome screen comes up and tells him there is no service. He switches it off and puts it in his pocket. He still can't believe she was stupid enough to leave their telephone in the car, but somehow he has to admit it does seem like the type of thing she would do.__

" _ _Do you have any money on you?" he asks her and she nods; she has some notes in her pocket. He closes the bag and returns it to where it was. He hands Freya one of the bottles, and she gratefully drinks some of it down. He then relocks the car as he doesn't want anyone to realise straight away that anything has been taken. The park is basic but there is a board with an old laminated map showing where you are in relation to the surroundings. Then, gathering his bearings, he trots out of the car park and into the trees with Freya following behind.__

It is a large park: mostly made up of trees, ferns and bushes. The makeshift paths are more for ramblers and you find it hard to run on them. After fifteen minutes you need to stop for a rest.

"Wait. Wait!" you call. He looks back and his pace slackens; you are stood on the path hands on your thighs trying to get your breath back. He is barely out of breath. How can that be? Well, you know how, but it still seems unfair.

He scans the trees and seems to like what he sees. He relaxes, and turns and begins walking, you take a deep breath and follow, you can't afford to lose him, but you don't know if he can afford to lose you. Surely not.

Or is that wishful thinking?

One thing is clear: you really are going to have to think about your fitness training.

You have been thinking whilst you were jogging. They nearly caught you this time. The police. Somehow they seemed to know in a quick amount of time where you would be and they tried to stop you. How did they know?

The wood starts to thin out and the trail becomes more of a pathway. He stands, waiting for you to catch up, when there is a sudden crashing through the trees. He immediately raises his gun in that direction, you catch up.

"What is it?" you whisper, but he ignores you. Then, out from the trees bounds a dog with a stick in its mouth and you can't help but smile - until you realise the Winter Soldier is going to fire, thinking he is under attack.

"No!" You pull the barrel down and stand in front so he can't get an aim. "It's okay. It's not an attack dog. Please, it's all right."

You turn and try to shoo the dog away but it is so happy it sits. It fully trusts all humans. Stupid mistake.

"Go away. Go on." You make shushing noises and you wave with your hands but instead it gets up, trots around you and sits in front of the Winter Soldier. It drops the stick at his feet and the Winter Soldier blinks, the gun in his hand now hanging at his side. The dog sits, calmly but panting, tongue lolling out, tail thumping the ground.

He is beautiful, a black and white spaniel. Old but still full of fun.

You watch.

The dog looks at the Winter Soldier, then nudges the stick closer to him with it's nose. It then sits back again and looks at him.

The Winter Soldier looks at you, annoyed. He is starting to show emotions, he has been out of cryo for too long.

"What is it doing?" He places the gun back in his belt.

"Come here, dog." You crouch down and beckon, but the dog stays focused on the Winter Soldier. You sigh. "He wants you to throw the stick."

He looks at it, then behind him; he wants to get moving. He focuses on you again, not realising he was going to ask it he asks you. "Why?"

"Because he wants to play." You shrug, standing up.

The dog looks down at the stick and then back at the Winter Soldier. You are worried as the owner should be around here somewhere and if they turn up this could turn into a meltdown with civilian casualties. "Just throw the stick. That will get rid of him."

The Winter Soldier picks up the stick and looks at it, then, using his right arm he throws the stick. The dog immediately jumps up and plunges off; following its trajectory.

The Winter Soldier seems to shake his head in total bewilderment and you walk to his side and you both continue down the path. This time, when you both hear the rustling he doesn't draw his gun, he knows exactly what it is.

The dog.

It reappears, stick in mouth, and bounds up to the Winter Soldier. You want to smile, but the Winter Soldier is frowning.

"It's okay," you say, touching his arm. Normally, he would shrug you off but there is a confused look on his face and your heart starts to race. His mission programming is coming to an end, and he is struggling to get through.

What do you do?

The same game is repeated and when the dog comes back again, you are both walking towards a small lake with a bridge over it. Shortly after that the boundaries of the park are close by and hopefully somewhere you can find an area where the phone will work. You walk over the bridge with the dog following you.

You still cannot see anyone else. Where has this dog come from?

You look at the time; you have already missed the rendezvous point. They are not going to be happy to find you have both gone AWOL. You are not supposed to know there are tracking devices in both of you, but you do and so you know it won't be too long before Hydra zeroes in on the two of you.

"We need to go. Just throw the stick behind us and when he runs off we will have to run in the opposite direction," you say. The Winter Soldier has the stick in his hand, the dog is looking at him, all four paws set on the ground and ready to go.

The look of annoyance reappears on the Winter Soldier's face, he looks at you and a cold feeling runs through you; you should not give give him orders, ever.

He swaps the stick to his metal arm, draws it back and throws it; the stick sails through the air but in the opposite direction to the one you meant. The dog dives after it and you hear the stick fall in the water.

The Winter Soldier hears it too and frowns; that is not what he meant to do. He had been walking away but the splash stops him. Why you don't know, but you both look back, a louder splash follows and you know the dog has jumped in the water.

For the first time in forever, a look of concern is on the Winter Soldier's face.

"It's okay, it's a spaniel. He'll be fine, they like the water." But as soon as the words are out of your mouth you know he is not listening to you; instead he takes off running back in the direction of the lake. You follow. On the way he shrugs off the jacket and you pick it up out of habit.

You reach the edge just in time to see the Winter Soldier dive in and something in you cannot believe what you are seeing. The Winter Soldier is supposed to be cold, unfeeling on assignments; the only time he has shown feelings is when he is angry, those are the worst times, because he can be so cruel.

Has the dog triggered something buried deep inside him? He did once tell you he liked dogs. These are the times when you believe that James is still buried in there, that the Soldier becomes a hybrid of his new self and his old – what must the confusion in his mind be like at these times? Do the memories if that what they are, show as something he thinks is part of the mission?

The dog is struggling; he is old and the cold water is numbing his joints, he is beginning to panic. You see the Winter Soldier reach him, grab him by the scruff of the neck and swim back, you get to the edge and try to help but he doesn't want you to.

The bedraggled dog is held in the metal hand and is thrown onto the bank; it gets up and shakes itself. You can't believe it but it still has the stick held firmly in its mouth.

The Winter Soldier pulls himself out of the water; he is soaking wet and filthy with the scum off the top of the lake. You wait until he is out and hand him the jacket to put back on.

Suddenly you both hear a shout and a whistle. The dog hears it to and without anything more it runs off.

You look at the Winter Soldier and he has pulled his gun out and is aiming it in the direction of the call. You weren't paying attention, you should have had the Winter Soldier's back.

"No. I think it's just the owner," you say pulling on the barrel of the gun. Water runs out of the barrel onto the ground and the Winter Soldier seems nonplussed; after the tension you can't help but laugh.

Laughing is the wrong thing to do but it is more of a reaction to what has happened than the fact you find the whole thing funny. That is the second time in the last ten minutes you have taken control of the gun. He turns away and starts walking, checking his weapon as he goes. You stand there for a moment before you follow after him.

How are you going to explain his appearance to the team?

"Wait," you call and he stops and turns, the gun in his hand by his side. His eyes now blank. He looks at you coldly, as if you are someone he does not like but has to put up with.

"Is your arm okay? You didn't damage it, did you? I mean, the water didn't do any damage?" you ask. He moves his arm. You can hear the rings seem to be engaging and it sounds okay. "What...what shall I tell them when we get back about...? I mean they'll know especially when they see you like that and the ruined gun."

You wait for him to say something and instead he takes a silencer from his belt and calmly screws it on to the gun.

You are confused, there is no danger present.

There is only you present.

Only you.

Nothing seems funny any more. He aims the gun at you.

"Shall we see if it still works?" He raises it further to the centre of your forehead and you turn cold. This is the Winter Soldier you know, how could you have forgotten him? You feel anger surge up.

"Why are you doing this to me?! Why? What have I done? For God sake why are you pointing it at me when you didn't even point it at the dog!" your voice wavers, you have forgotten that he had pointed the gun at the dog – it had been you that stopped him from firing - but he just keeps the gun aimed and looks you straight in the eye. "Maybe I didn't point it at the dog because I like dogs."

You wish you hadn't asked the question. The missing part of the answer was obvious – __and because I don't like you.__

You begin to tremble. You don't mean to; his hand is steady and his eyes are no longer blank. You can't help it, you close your eyes, you barely hear the noise the gun makes as he pulls the trigger but you are aware you are still standing.

You open your eyes, he has fired the gun straight into the ground next to you and he is now unscrewing the silencer. He pockets it and then turns and heads off. Part of you doesn't want to follow, you just want to stay here, to run away. He is getting cold and distant again, how long will it last?

You look after to where he has gone and, without consciously thinking, you start to jog again. Who are you trying to fool? Were you going to leave him? Really? So what if he is going to be cold again and treat you as if your life is worth nothing to him, you'll take it, you know you will. When it comes to the Winter Soldier you can't help yourself and there is no one else that can help you. You are on your own.

You reach an open area, it turns out to be the back of a shopping mall car park. He already has the telephone out and is speaking to someone. He sees you appear in the treeline and then looks away. After a minute he switches the telephone off and you come up to stand next to him as he scans the area.

"Did you reach them?" you ask. He looks down at you.

 _ _He thinks about what Felix has just told him. Someone on the mission had leaked something about it and that is why the police were able to start setting up check points so fast. Felix asked if he thought it could be Freya and he looks at her now. She didn't want to run the policeman over, she would have stopped if it had been up to her. She didn't bring her telephone but left it in the previous car. She slows him down. But he looks at her now and he cannot believe it: there are no sides to her, she is who she is and sometimes she is hopeless. That thought almost makes him smile.__

 _ _But then, they had told him she has no loyalty to Hydra. When it comes to Freya his mind is all over the place; he swings one moment from hating her to wanting her and that annoys the hell out of him.__

 _ _But there is one thing he knows she cannot do and that is lie. Especially not to him.__

" _ _Did you tell the police where to find me?" he asks and sees the shock and disbelief on her face. No, he didn't think so but he had to ask.__

"Fuck off. Just...fuck off." You are so angry you could spit at him. You turn and walk away, finding a fence you can sit on and he leaves you alone until one of the team's SUV's turns into the car park. You see him talk to the driver and then he beckons you over. As you walk to the car he takes out the stolen phone and launches it back into the woods. He gets in the front of the car and you get in the back.

You cannot help but wonder what you are going to be asked when you return to base. As it is he goes off for mission report and Felix asks you what happened. He can see you are tired, and out of sorts, but you tell him. You even mention the dog. He nods at the end. That is just what they have been told by the Winter Soldier.

They think there was a leak on the mission and that is what they had told the Winter Soldier when he had finally phoned in. Felix is glad that it is not you. He had already told Pierce and you would have been surprised to hear that Pierce had agreed with him already that it could not have been you, ' _ _she wouldn't put him in danger, shes not that stupid__ ,' had been Pierce's words.

 **...**

 _ _That night, the Soldier dreams. One of those dreams that seems so real. He knows where he is – France - but he doesn't know who he is. It is an autumn morning; there is a chill in the air but the sun is out and trying to warm things up.__

 _ _He is with a group of soldiers in a Jeep travelling a back road with wide open fields. He is in the front with the driver. The man is Welsh. He can hear the tyres on the road, feel the bumps in the road. He has cadged a lift with them back to camp. It is so real he feels he could reach out and touch the man next to him.__

 _ _Two of the men in the back are Canadian and are talking about their sweethearts back home when suddenly a young girl runs out into the road and the driver has to slam on his brakes. She is waving them down and talking very fast in French.__

" _ _Please help me, help me..." She is in her twenties, and is very much in distress and as they stop he jumps out of the Jeep.__

" _ _It's okay Miss. What is it?" he asks as he approaches her and she is talking again and pointing across to a house where she must have come from.__

" _ _She's fallen into the water. She can't get out. I can't swim, please help, please don't let her drown!" He only has a basic knowledge of French but he understands her plight. He and several of the men follow her as she runs back to what looks like a huge old pond of some kind. The water looks deep and murky in the middle and there are old lily plants scumming up the water. Right in the middle is a dog who bravely is trying to keep its head above the water. It is tangled in the lily leaves and cannot make its way back to the bank.__

 _ _The girl is still talking. "She's old, she can't get out, and there is no one here. I can't get her out, please help me, I don't want her to die."__

" _ _It's okay, it's okay. What's your name?" He wants to calm her but he can see the dog is in trouble, it is trying to tread water but is only small. A poodle he thinks.__

" _ _Marion..." she says.__

 _ _He has always had a weakness for dogs. His parents have always let the boys have one so he has grown up with them. Some of the other men have turned back to the Jeep, unwilling to help as it is just a dog but he and the driver can see the poor animal struggling in the water.__

 _ _The driver looks at him. "After you, sergeant," he says.__

" _ _Okay, Marion, do you have any rope? Anything we can...?" He looks back at the water just in time to see the dog go under and the girl cries out.__

 _ _Without another thought he dives in, gasping; the water is freezing cold. Even now he can feel how it freezes his bones through to the marrow but he eventually gets hold of the dog by the scruff of the neck, brings it in close to his chest and swims back to the bank.__

 _ _Marion is crying but smiling, holding out her arms to take the dog who is covered by now in green scum, and the driver helps him out of the water.__

" _ _Bloody hell, Barnes," the man says to him and the Winter Soldier repeats the words in his sleep. "Regular hero you are then..." The driver had grinned.__

 _ _Marion is talking to him, thanking him profusely. She stands on tip toes and kisses him on the cheek, which makes him blush and feel warm. The dog is trying to shake itself in her arms. He looks down at his uniform; he is soaking wet, the shirt he thinks is probably ruined, he is going to be in trouble when he gets back to camp.__

 _ _It is not a dream. It is a memory. It is something that really happened and todays escapade has brought it to the surface.__

 _ _He is about to reply when they hear a noise overhead and they look up to see an aircraft flying over; it is low and the men in the Jeep wave. Then the memory begins to fade and when he looks back down somehow he knows he is no longer in France. He doesn't know where he is but there are long tendrils of a red plant wrapping themselves around his feet. The girl has gone, so has the Jeep, and the men but the pond is still there and now the tendrils begin pulling him towards the water. The water is red - only he knows it is not water, it is blood, all the blood he has spilt and he opens his mouth to scream.__

 _ _Someone is shaking his shoulder and he awakens.__

" _ _I wasn't sure if you were having a nightmare," Freya says her hand still on his shoulder. He is drenched in sweat, and he closes his eyes for a second. She takes her hand away and asks if he is all right. He nods.__

" _ _Was it a nightmare?" she asks and he looks at her.__

" _ _I don't know," is his reply.__

 **...**

The Winter Soldier is woken in short succession three times over the next six months. Because they know that these missions are on the books they have not sent you to Cryo and you find you are getting used to the freedom they are allowing you. Nothing serious. Maggie shows you the way to the inner-city base in the bank vault of an old disused bank. They even use you twice to drive there on your own to deliver items.

During the three missions you are still used as an exit point. The missions are all within America and so you find yourself getting comfortable with driving on the roads.

You get the feeling that whatever it is that Hydra is up to it will soon be coming to fruition. You realise they are beginning to allow you a bit of freedom because you are so far from Pierce's radar you are not even a blip. He has forgotten about you – or so you believe.

An idea forms in your mind, one that you cannot ignore. One you start to plan without even acknowledging it. What if for some crazy reason the Winter Soldier finds himself free of Hydra? Here in America?

You cannot help him escape from cryo, from the base; the plan needed would be way beyond what you could manage - but you could always put something in place that may help him __should__ he escape his leash one day

A simple thing. A bag. Planted somewhere around the city. Or maybe several. No, it would be better to stick to one or you may get caught and it would be of no use to anyone then. In it would be money, maps, a weapon, a warning about the tracking device. The more you think about it the more it becomes feasible until it is all you can think about.

You could hide it when you are next used as a exit point, or as a delivery person to the inner-city vault. They never check to see where you have been – they assume you wait at the rendezvous each time but it would not take a lot to take a small detour. Maybe place the bag at one of the railways stations. In one of the lockers.

Over the next few missions you and others seem to 'lose' certain things. A gun from one of the STRIKE teams in the vicinity goes missing; it is only a hand gun that you can hide easily enough, you hope the real owner doesn't get in too to much trouble for losing it. You find an old backpack in stores that no one will miss. You tell Maggie you need some items to update your wardrobe and then each time you take that money and hide it away. Just a few things here and a few things there. Stupid things like some small bottles of water and packets of jerky which are kept in store for when the Winter Soldier is out on reconnaissance and they need to send him with supplies. You cannot fill it with too much, just the essentials. Oh, and don't forget a knife: where would the Winter Soldier be without a knife?

From what you hear about the base and see with your own eyes things definitely seem to be taking a turn; everything seems to be speeding up. You get the chance to leave the bag at a central railway station on one of your trips in. The key you keep close and when you think it may be the right time you will give it to the Winter Soldier. Each time he goes out now you put a small pouch in his combat trouser leg pockets which you tell him is cash in case he needs it.

One day you will also include the key to the supplies and you have to hope that you will recognise that day when it comes.

 _ _And you will.__

 _ _Because when the day arrives, it is the day you die.__


	70. Chapter 70 - Alive

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Seventy:**** ** **The Constant, Steve Rogers & The Winter Soldier - Alive****

 **The Constant**

You have about fifteen minutes until the Winter Soldier will appear. You are still reeling from what you saw on the way to the agreed rendezvous point and you cannot get it out of your mind. As you sit there, your attention is focused a million miles away and when the phone goes it makes you jump out of your skin.

It rarely ever rings.

You fumble to pick it up and almost cut the call off in your haste to find the correct button.

"Hello?"

It's Felix, and your heart nearly stops. He has new instructions for you. The pick up has changed and he tells you that you are to stand down until later in the day. In the meantime they will text you with new co-ordinates.

"Is he all right?" you ask. You know you shouldn't, and there is silence and then he answers.

"Everything is fine," and the phone goes dead.

Can they just not tell you the name of the new place you have to meet them? They know you hate new technology; if they send the co-ordinates it means you have to type them into the bloody Sat Nav and you and the Sat Nav never get on. You have a love hate relationship with it – it loves to make you hate it.

You wonder what has gone wrong.

You now have over four hours to kill; not enough time to head back to base but too long to just sit here or at the new meeting place but deep down you know immediately where you are going to go.

You drive back along the road you came in on and see the notice again. You thought you may have dreamt it but no it is still here. You turn down the slip road and follow it to the car park, purchase a ticket, and lock the car. You have plenty of time, but if Hydra find out what you are doing you will be in serious trouble. No excuses. It could even mean your death.

But you need to know.

You follow the pavement. There are plenty of signposts to ensure that you don't get lost and it is difficult for you not to stop and gaze at the long banners on the way, at the advertisements for what you are going to see, but you don't have time. You cannot be late: you must be where you should be in just under four hours.

There are crowds of people, families, and you nearly bottle out: you hate to be so exposed. You rarely encounter crowds in your life, and you are just not used to a lot of people all in the same area. At the entrance you take a deep breath and enter and in front of you is a huge hall with aircraft, of all things, hanging from the ceiling. You fumble to pay the entrance fee; they give you your change and a leaflet and then you are through the turnstile. To your left is the exhibition you saw advertised, the exhibition that so shocked you, the one you have come to visit. A copy of the original poster you saw is now in front of you by the entrance to the hall you are about to enter: Steve Rogers is alive. __Still alive__. You thought he had died a long time ago, until the sign you saw on the way to the rendezvous shattered that reality.

A larger banner welcomes visitors in.

 _ _ **Welcome Back, Cap!**__

You pass through the exhibits showing his journey to becoming Captain America. Parts are vaguely familiar; you saw some of this a long time ago, but the one thing you can see straight away is that the serum given to Steve Rogers was a lot more stable than that given to James Barnes.

You read the history and you know that as much as you would like to hate this man you couldn't ever do so because you can see why James fell in love with him. There is a morality to him: an innocence, the one James used to talk about. And you also learn something else – the film you had seen all those years ago with James was incorrect.

Lehmann had doctored it to say what he wanted it to say. Steve Rogers had never forgotten Bucky. He genuinely thought he had lost him. There is no doubt in your mind now that if Rogers had known Barnes had survived he would have come after him, he would have rescued him. It makes you want to weep for their lost life together.

You enter another huge room with a curving platform. There are mannequins stood in place wearing uniforms of the famous 'Howling Commandos,' and your heart gives a jolt when you see the one standing to the left of Steve Rogers. It is James. A small plaque tells you that the mannequin does not wear the original uniform as it does with the rest, as that was lost when James fell from the train. What it doesn't tell you is that Russian soldiers stripped it from him leaving him naked and vulnerable in the cold snow. Leaving him for dead.

It is beginning to seem so unreal, the noise in the background is making your ears hum and you feel faint. The long curving wall behind the mannequins showcases a battle scene with the Howling Commandos at the forefront, and you get as close as you can, carried away on the memory of James as you first saw him.

Then shaking yourself, remembering you are on borrowed time, you walk through to the next part of the exhibition. In your mind are thoughts of getting in contact with Steve Rogers and asking for his help to get the Winter Soldier away from Hydra, but then the next thing you see takes your breath away completely and you stop still dead in your tracks.

 ** **A FALLEN COMRADE****

 ** **James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes****

 ** **Bucky Barnes 1917 - 1944****

A large memorial to James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes.

You slowly walk forward until you are standing about six feet away from it. A family is stood in front of you, reading the plaque, and you listen as their son reads it out aloud.

You stand, totally transfixed. You don't feel the people pushing past you, you don't hear the tuts as you get in their way. This is the James Barnes you first knew, the one brought into your camp, and for the first time you are finding out exactly just how he came to be where he was.

"Excuse me young lady...excuse me..." You become aware of someone touching your elbow and, startled, you turn and see an old man dressed in a security guard uniform. For one awful moment you thought Hydra had found you out.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

You realise that there are silent tears running down your cheeks, and he holds out a clean handkerchief to you; he tries to smile as he can see you are distressed but doesn't know why.

You manage to rescue a tissue from your pocket but say thank you and he puts the handkerchief away.

"So sad," he says, indicating the plaque. "The only Howling Commando to die in action – a very brave fellow and of course he was the best friend of our Captain America. They say he took it so hard when he lost him."

You nod. You don't want to talk to him, you just want to be alone with the picture and your memories but you can't be. Not here.

He smiles at you and nods back. "If you need anything just come and find me," he pats you on the arm and then leaves you in peace.

You could barely drag your eyes away from the picture to talk to him and you turn back to it now. The family has moved away and you move a bit closer. As you do a recording starts up next to the memorial. It shows photographs of Steve and Bucky whilst a recorded voice narrates their story. You cannot help but put your hand to your mouth. Bucky looks so young, so innocent, so happy. The hall is quieter now; it is getting late, and you reach out to touch one of the pictures.

You don't know how long you stand there for, it seems like forever as you watch the photographs loop around time and time again. You don't know what makes you look away but you suddenly realise you don't know what the time is and you look at your watch. You start. You have been here for over two hours and you need to move but you don't want to leave.

That is when you become aware of someone close to you.

At first you think it is the guard and you turn to look at him a false smile on your face so he knows you are all right but it is not the guard and instead you find yourself looking up into blue eyes. The man is stood so close you can smell him; you can see blond hair poking out from the baseball cap he is wearing, at the look of puzzlement on his face as he tries to frame the question he wants to ask you.

It is the man stood in the photographs with James.

It is Steve Rogers.

Your heart lurches and you feel a cold sweat break out.

"Why?" he asks, mildly. "Why is this memorial affecting you so badly?" He has been watching your distress, the way you cried, the way you hold your body, the way you reached out to touch James.

You try to back away and the recording starts up again.

"I don't know what you mean." You have to escape. You try and edge out and away but he follows, totally unthreatening, but he has zeroed in on you and that makes him a threat.

You turn and go to walk away but his hand stays you and you look down at it on your arm and turn back to him.

You try to smile. "I just thought it sad he died so young. That's all."

You are as bad a liar as he is, and he knows it.

He studies you as you study him. You can't help it. This is the man James loves, the man he would die for.

"No," he says quietly, "it's more than that."

It is as if he can look into your soul and see James there.

Your eyes widen, and before he can tighten his grip you turn and run.

He is caught off guard; he didn't expect you to bolt but you can now hear him behind you just as you see the guard from before. "Help me! Please, help me!" you call out to him and he turns to see you are being chased.

"That man is bothering me! He won't leave me alone! Please help! I don't know who he is!" you say as you run past him, looking over your shoulder as the guard, ever the gentleman, steps into Steve's path and brings him to a halt.

"No! You need to let me through!" you hear Steve say and then you are out of the hall into the main part of the Smithsonian, eyes darting around to see where you can run to. You see the main doors and head for those. The guard is still blocking Steve's way and by the time he finally pushes by it is too late you are out of the building and gone.

Not only is Steve Rogers alive, he is __here__. And somewhere nearby so is the Winter Soldier. You jog all the way back to the car, keeping an eye out but there is no sign of Steve. You should have stayed, you should have begged for his help...but that would have been no good. He would have thought you were Hydra and he would have had you arrested and then you would be of no help to James.

You need a plan. You need to confront Steve Rogers in a controlled situation. One where he cannot call for help. One where you will have long enough to impress on him what has happened to his best friend.

And most importantly, that James is alive.

You sit in the front of the car. It is growing darker and you need to get going, your heart is thumping and you have a headache. You can't think. You go to start the car but your hands are shaking so badly you have to sit and calm yourself first. Then loading the directions into your Sat Nav you start the car and drive to where eventually you will meet up with the Winter Soldier. You will not be able to discuss Steve Rogers with him; he is too freshly out of cryo freeze and programming. He would not understand, and then instead of rescue all would be lost. Instead you need a plan.

You stop where you are supposed to be and lean your head on your hands on the steering wheel. The task ahead of you is immense. Where do you even start? Where do you find Steve Rogers in a city this big? How do you move forward?

Another thought crosses your mind.

The bag.

You know that something big is brewing, and that when the storm comes it is going to change the world. You had a plan, a small failsafe; you hid a bag in one of the rail station lockers. It is full of money, a gun, and other essentials. It is there in case the Winter Soldier needs an escape plan. It was until now just a stupid thing you did but now you are busy thinking. The bag is in the wrong place; you need to change its location. You need to bring it to the Smithsonian...or at least on the route to it. You can add in the leaflet and directions. If the Winter Soldier ever does end up on his own, if he begins remembering, then you will have tried to point him in the right direction.

Tomorrow you are coming in to the inner-city vault; on your way you will divert and move the bag. No one should realise as it is just a few miles out of your way and you will be alone.

Should you try and see Steve Rogers as well? If so how, where do you find him? The problem all seems so big, so impossible. But you have to do something. So far there has been no one to help you rescue James but now, what could be better than the man who loves him?

What do you do first?

You are so focused on your thoughts you do not realise someone has come up to the car until you hear the boot open and then slam shut and it jolts you. Looking in the mirror you see the Winter Soldier and you breathe deeply. He mustn't see that anything is wrong.

The passenger door opens and the Winter Soldier gets in. You start the car, he has been running, his breathing is unusually heavy and there is sweat on his brow.

"Are you all right?" you ask and he turns to look at you, a slight frown on his face. You are sure you can see pain in his eyes as he removes his mask.

He says nothing, just looks at you, his eyes seem to search yours.

Something is wrong. You feel it so you repeat the question. He looks away.

"Just drive," he says quietly, and you do - but every so often you turn to look at him. He is losing colour, his skin fading grey. He is rubbing his temple and you know it is the signs of an oncoming migraine. He has his eyes closed and his other fist is clenched, you can hear the rings of metal moving as he opens and then closes his left hand again and again.

"Shall I stop for a moment?" you ask. He doesn't respond but his face is showing the pain he is in and so you pull over and switch the engine off. Before you can say anything you hear him speak.

"I don't understand," he whispers. His teeth are clenched.

"What don't you understand?"

"I had him on the ropes." And as he says these words his body begins to tremble and spasm and you realise that he is fitting.

 **Steve Rogers**

They call him __the man out of time,__ and that is just how he feels.

As he moves about the city he finds everything so strange and he longs to see something familiar, something he recognises, something that is not so __loud__ and in-your-face. In that much he feels so very old.

Whenever he travels around looking for something to occupy his mind he always end up at the same place: the Smithsonian. Not because one of the exhibitions there is about his life, but because Bucky is there. He can walk around it, see the other Howling Commandos, his friends, see Bucky - who is – was - so much __more__ than his friend. His soul mate. He misses the feel of him, the smell, the warmth of his body, the touch of his hand. When his belongings were given to him out of storage there were a couple of items of Bucky's, including an old coat and if he hugs it close to him he can almost still smell him.

"God, I miss you Buck," he says quietly. Sometimes the pain is more than he can bear.

Peggy is there too, and he loves to watch her on the screen talking about their friendship and how he meant so much to her. But, of course, by this time her heart belongs to someone else: he has lost her, she is a good friend but not the person she could have become to him.

Sometimes being found and woken is the worst thing that has happened to him in his life. Second only to losing Bucky.

He always goes incognito, although this time a young boy recognises him and nods as Steve Rogers smiles and puts a finger to his lips. He doesn't want to be recognised, he wants to be alone with his thoughts in this place surrounded by his memories. He ducks into the viewing room and watches Peggy for the umpteenth time since he came back. He still visits her in the hospital but it is heartbreaking to watch as she slips slowly into dementia, all her memories being taken from her whilst his flood his mind in a never ending reminder of what he has lost.

When he comes back out into the hall the young boy has long gone and Steve sits on a bench opposite Bucky's memorial. He is tired; he doesn't want to go back to an empty apartment. He watches as the people go by, sees their reactions to the loss of his best friend, sees them shake their heads and murmur words that they will soon forget, such a shame, such a young age to die, so sad.

"I didn't even get to bring you home," he whispers to himself. They buried an empty coffin and Steve finds he cannot weep at the empty grave.

He should think about leaving, going home. Maybe ring Sam, meet up have a cold beer.

Then he sees her.

He is looking at the entrance as she comes in, her eyes wide, trying to take in everything around her and he is about to look away when he sees her eyes flick past Bucky's memorial and then straight back again and she stops in her tracks, shocked.

She is oblivious to the family who almost walk into her, the mother tutting as they pass. The shock has turned to distress as she starts to slowly walk towards the memorial until she is stood in front of it, slightly off to his right.

She has the longest hair he thinks he has ever seen, plaited as it runs down her back. He sees a young child reach out to bat it just before the mother stops her but he doesn't think the woman would have noticed if the child had touched it. She is totally focused on Bucky. Totally.

She doesn't move. A family stands in front of her and their son is reading out the words on the memorial, and as she listens quiet tears slowly run down her cheeks, but she is oblivious to them. She is staring at his photograph, at Bucky with such a longing that it shocks him how it makes him feel as if he could cry with her.

She cannot have known him. She is, what twenty-five? Maybe slightly older? Why is she so upset?

The family move away and a security guard approaches and asks her if she is all right, and jolts her back to the present – but she can barely look away from the picture even when talking to the guard and deep down Steve feels that somehow she knew James Barnes. How is that possible?

The guard leaves her and she steps forward and her proximity starts the automatic recording off to the left of the memorial. He knows the words off by heart - he has listened to them so many times. She is captured by it watching it as it loops around, the exhibition is getting quieter now as the afternoon starts to draw in and he watches as she reaches out and runs her fingers over Bucky's face. Her whole body leans in towards the photographs as if she can absorb him and take him with her.

He needs to know who she is.

He needs to know why she is so upset. Why does he feel that he could share his grief with her?

She seems to come to her senses and looks at her watch. Steve panics; if she leaves he will never know who she is and so he stands and walks up to be close to her when she turns. And as she turns she senses him and he tries to be as unthreatening as he can: whilst she is tall he still towers over her.

She smiles at him until she looks at him properly and then he sees her eyes widen and a look of shock appears on her face which she tries to cover quickly.

He can't help but blurt the question out in his mind. "Why?...why is the memorial affecting you so badly?"

Again the shock in her eyes, and again that quick masking. "I don't know what you mean." She gives him a cold smile and turns to walk away.

Without thinking what he is doing he reaches out and touches her arm. It stops her and she turns back to him. She is a bad liar. He can see it in her face and he just knows that she knows who he is. She knows exactly what he is talking about, and he needs to know.

"Why?" he asks again.

"I just thought it sad he died so young. That's all." She tries that smile again. She really is a worse liar than he is.

"No. It's more than that." He tries to smile himself so she won't feel threatened because now he can see fear in her look, in the way she is holding herself.

Without warning she turns and runs.

"Hey!" He is startled and then runs after her. She is fast, and he watches as she disappears into the hallway then as she runs past the guard he hears her say something and the guard, old as he is, jumps forward and Steve has to stop before he knocks him over.

"No! you need to let me through!" Steve tries to dodge past but the guard is telling him to leave the lady alone, he tries to watch where she runs and by the time he manages to dodge past he has lost her.

She recognised him. She knew who he was. She knew he was Steve Rogers and somehow deep down he knows she knew James Barnes.

 _ _How?__

On his way back to his apartment he tries to figure out how he can find her again. Maybe the Smithsonian has cameras? If so, could they get a copy of any tape that may have caught her?

It is still very much on his mind as he comes up to his door, stopping first to have a word with his neighbour, Sharon, a nurse at the local hospital. He feels himself blushing; she always makes him feel that way. He always feels an attraction to her and for a moment she makes him forget everything with a mild bout of flirting. Something he has never been any good at.

Then as she turns to go she mentions how he must have left his stereo on playing in his apartment and everything else leaves his mind. He had not realised the faint music had been coming from his rooms.

He puts the key in the lock and turns it quietly. She is right. He can hear the music. A song called It's Been a Long, Long Time as played by Harry James and his orchestra. Brought out literally a few months after Bucky had died, but it was a song that reminds him of him all the same. He knows he didn't leave it on when he left earlier.

As Sharon disappears downstairs he slowly edges his way into his apartment. The apartment is dim, and quiet apart from the music. He reaches down and picks up his shield from where it is leant against the wall. He listens carefully, trying to hear over the gentle, lazy, melody playing and slowly he looks around the corner to where he sees Nick Fury sitting in one of his chairs.

He sighs and leans against the wall. "I don't remember giving you a key." His voice shows he is not best pleased with coming home and finding his boss in his apartment.

Nick groans and leans forward in the chair. "You really think I need one? My wife kicked me out," he says.

"Didn't know you were married."

"A lot of things you don't know about me."

Steve walks forward. "I know, __that's__ the problem." And as he talks he switches on one of the light switches. A lamp next to Nick comes on and Steve is shocked when he sees the state Nick is in: bruised, battered, but Nick holds up his hand to indicate to Steve not to say anything.

Nick reaches up and switches the lamp back off. He has his phone in his hand and he taps out a message to Steve on the screen.

 _ _'Ears everywhere,'__ and as Steve reads the message Nick says: "I'm sorry to have to do this but I had nowhere else to crash." He continues to tap out another message on the telephone screen, turning it to Steve ' _ _SHIELD compromised'.__

"Who else knows about your wife?" Steve asks. Nick stands up holding his side in pain "Just...my friends," he says tapping out the next message _ _'You and me.'__

"Is that what we are?" Steve asks.

"That's up to you..." But as the words are spoken loud gun shots make Steve jump and bullets fly through the window, smashing the panes and thudding into Nick's body; he cries out in pain. Yet more shots are fired, and Nick goes down.

Steve runs forward, crouching down to kneel next to Fury and as he does he looks out through the window through which the shots were fired. On the opposite building he sees a figure, a glint of silver. He grabs Fury, pulling him to safety and away from the window, and grabs his shield once more. He goes to leave and Fury tightens his grip on his hand. Steve looks down and realises that Nick is trying to say something. The hand he is holding has something in it, a USB stick which Nick passes to him.

"Don't...trust anyone." Nick is having trouble talking, having trouble breathing. Before Steve can say anything there is the sound of hammering at the door and the door flies open.

And Sharon is there, edging her way into the apartment, gun sighted. She calls out: "Captain Rogers?" She moves forward without waiting for a reply, still speaking. All the time the gun is up in her hand. "Captain. I'm Agent 13: SHIELD's special service."

"Agent?" Steve repeats.

"I'm assigned to protect you," and as she moves forward she sees Nick Fury on the floor.

"On whose orders?" Steve demands.

"His," Sharon says, kneeling down beside Nick. She produces a walkie talkie. "Foxtrot is down. He's unresponsive I need EMT's."

"Do we have a twenty on the shooter?" a male voice asks and Sharon looks at Steve who is now looking back out at the man stood on the roof, still that glint of silver. And then the man jumps up and runs.

"Tell them I'm in pursuit," Steve says.

Leaving Sharon caring for Nick, Steve jumps through one of the apartment windows, using his shield for protection, and straight through one of the windows in the office next door with the intention of getting to the roof to catch the sniper. After racing through most of the building and working his way upwards he smashes through a window onto the top of the building just as the sniper gets to the very edge of the roof. Steve believes he has him cornered.

To stop the assassin and bring him down, Steve hurls his shield at his target but at the last minute the man turns and grabs the shield, catching it in a metal embrace. His entire left arm and hand are made up of a silver metal, with a red star on its shoulder. The catch stuns Steve.

The assassin's face is masked, Steve can only see the eyes and he wishes he couldn't. There is such a look in them that he doesn't understand. Around the eyes his face is blackened with camouflage paint but the blue of the irises still shows. And actually within them – he cannot decipher the look. It is the first time ever he has understood what they mean when they say you can see into someones soul. And this someone's soul is in hell.

Throwing him off guard the assassin, using his strength, launches Steve's shield back at him with a greater force. Steve actually hears the movements of the arm as it gears up for the throw. When Steve catches the shield the punch of it drives him back two or three steps. Steve looks back up but the figure is gone. He runs to the edge of the roof and looks over. They are about eight stories up.

Nothing - the man has fled, and there is no sign of him or which way he went. How is that possible? They are up high and there is no where else to jump to but the ground which, although Steve could survive, no other man should be able to unless they were enhanced. No fire escape. There was simply no other place to go.

By the time he gets back to his apartment Nicky Fury is barely alive. The EMT'S have arrived and are getting him ready to take in the ambulance. His chances of survival are dropping every second.

The next few hours are fraught. All the time Steve's mind is thinking, he should have done something, should have stopped it from happening but the thing that haunts him is those eyes.

Nat and Maria Hill join him and they look on in disbelief as the surgeons lose the battle to save Nick. His injuries are just too severe and too many and they call the time of death as 1:03 a.m.

 **...**

Later, Nat gets Steve to tell her about what happened. As he describes the assassin he sees it is of no surprise to her: "I know who killed Fury. Most of the intelligence community doesn't believe he exists. The ones who do call him the Winter Soldier. He's credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last fifty years."

A ghost. But to her even more than that. A __nightmare__.

"Five years ago I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran. Somebody shot at my tires near Odessa. We lost control, went straight over a cliff. I pulled us out, but the Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer, so he shot him straight through me." She pulls up her shirt to show him the bullet wound on the side of her stomach. "A Soviet slug, no rifling. Bye-bye bikinis...going after him is a dead end. I know, I've tried."

But now they have something that might help. Nick Fury's flash drive.

But will it be too late? In losing Nick, have they already lost the battle?

 **The Winter Soldier**

 _ _The first part of the mission had failed. Something the Winter Soldier and his team are not used to happening.__

 _ _They had underestimated both Fury and the vehicle he was travelling in. He had escaped. But then Hydra had tracked him down, found him in an apartment and Felix, under orders from Pierce, had again sent in the Winter Soldier after holding him back in the wings.__

 _ _He had made his way across the roof to a level where he could see into the apartment – the very room the target was now in. The room was dim, a light had gone on but had just as quickly been put out but it was enough and then the man had stood up.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier had aimed and fired three rounds dead on target, and as the man went down he had fired three more.__

 _ _He had waited a few more minutes until he could definitely see the target was down and then he turned and made his way back to the roof. He wasn't sure when he first realised someone was following him, or when that someone was doing more than following. He realised someone was chasing after him. Someone fast and strong.__

 _ _They had ended up on the roof together. The Winter Soldier was so close to escape but the other man was just as near. The Winter Soldier had heard a noise and he knew that something was being thrown at him. He even knew what it was. He recognised the noise it made as it skimmed through the air towards him. He has heard that noise before. He turned and put his left arm up and caught it.__

 _ _The shield.__

 _ _He knew it would be that, but how he knew is a complete mystery to him. He holds it in his hand, he knows the weight of it, knows how it feels. He is certain that he has held it before. The man chasing him has stopped. It is too dark for the Winter Soldier to see him clearly but something about the way he holds himself is familiar and the Soldier tries to think but with that comes pain, severe pain.__

 _ _He tenses his arm and throws the shield back at the man, driving him backwards a couple of feet. As the man struggles to hold on to the shield the Soldier jumps from the top of the building. He lands and immediately flattens himself against the wall, knowing the man will come and look for him. He also knows the man can make the same jump – but again...how does he know that?__

 _ _He gives it a minute knowing the man will return to the apartment to see to his friend and then softly pads down the street, keeping out of sight, and makes his way to the rendezvous point. All the way he tries to think, tries to re-visualise what he could see of the man. Tries to recreate the feel of the shield in his hand.__

 _ _He gets in the waiting car. The woman starts the car and begins the drive back to base. He takes off his face mask. He is sweating heavily. How can that be? By now his head is hurting really badly; his programming is telling him to stop thinking, stop trying to access his memories but he is determined to solve the riddle and for a moment he closes his eyes, tries to put himself back on the rooftop.__

" _ _Shall I stop for a moment?" the woman asks him, breaking the silence. He doesn't reply but he feels the car slow, stop, and he hears her switch the engine off.__

" _ _What is it?" she asks, turning to him.__

 _ _As the pain intensifies a desperate sadness comes over him. He knows it's to do with the unknown man.__

" _ _I don't understand," he whispers.__

 _"_ _ _What don't you understand?"__

 _ _And in his mind he sees him. Sees the tall blond man standing talking to him.__ __They are on a train, one that is hurtling along the track on the snow covered mountains.__ __Both are armed, both moving through the goods carriage's filled with crates marked 'Waffen SS.'__

 _ _He has his gun in his hand, up ready to shoot.__ _The man he is with is dressed mainly in blue and has a star on the chest of his outfit. He knows they are friends, colleagues. The man walks in front, goes through an open doorway and is suddenly cut off by the door closing. When enemy soldiers enter both carriages there is a heavy exchange of gunfire from both sides. One of the guns the enemy is using is a double barrelled canon and the shots fired from it would be fatal if they found their mark._

 _ _The Winter Soldier finds his gun is now empty. The door reopens and his colleague is stood there and throws him another gun. He gives fire cover whilst his fellow soldier runs and hits one of the heavy packing cases which jolts and makes the gunman crouched behind it stand and he takes him out with a single gun shot.__

 _"_ _ _I had him on the ropes," he hears himself say to his companion.__

 _"_ _ _I know you did,"__ _the man replies drily._

 _ _They both hear a noise and suddenly his friend yells "Get down!" and covers them both with his shield.__

 _ _The shield.__

 _ _Before he can move or think there is a terrible explosion and they are both sent flying. There is now a terrible rent in the side of the carriage they are in, and the wind howls through it.__

 _ _He comes to, his head is ringing, he sees the shield on the floor in front of him, picks it up. He must protect his friend.__

 _"_ _ _Get out of here now!" he yells at his companion who is still staggering from the explosion.__

 _ _The enemy soldier is walking forward, aiming the huge canon gun at his friend and he knows he cannot let him get hurt. He uses the shield to protect himself and fires his gun at the man but there is one last blast of the large gun towards him. It hits the shield, pushing him backwards and out through the rent in the side of the train, as he falls backwards he drops the shield on the floor of the train.__ __He manages to catch hold of a piece of the metal on the outside of the train as it races along the track but the metal is fragile and threatening to break at any moment.__ __The wind is buffeting him. He finds it difficult to hang on. Snow flurries make his eyes sting, his skin cold.__

" _ _Bucky!" His friend is there, shouting and climbs out of the hole and edges his way along to where he is hanging on for dear life.__

" _ _Hold on!" his friend shouts, holding out his hand. "Grab my hand!"__

 _ _And he tries to.__ _Tries to reach forward as much as he can but they are inches short and as he tries again the metal comes away and he falls backwards, still reaching. The last view he has is of his blond friend's outstretched hand, the terrible look on his face, and the receding train._

" _ _It's all right. You're all right. Try and breathe deeply," a voice tells him but he is fighting it, fighting the hands trying to steady him. He can still feel how it felt to fall, still feel the panic. The pain in his head is immense and he is crying out.__

" _ _Felix, I have a problem...he's having a fit...I don't know, one minute he was fine and then the next...hang on let me look..." He hears a woman reciting what sounds like co-ordinates, and then darkness descends.__

 _ _The next time he opens his eyes he is back at base in the medical centre. He is still dressed in his clothes and he thinks they can't have been back there long. The woman is with him and she bends over him, her hand on his shoulder as he tries to sit up.__

" _ _Not yet, Soldier, you need to stay lying down..."__

" _ _I'll go and tell them he's awake," he hears someone say and the woman nods. As the door closes the woman, Freya, that's her name he thinks, comes closer. "I told them you had a fit. Can you remember anything?" she asks anxiously looking from him to the door.__

 _ _He closes his eyes briefly. He thinks he can still feel the motion of the train.__

" _ _I was on a train..." he says and the colour drains out of her cheeks.__

" _ _Listen. It is very important you don't tell them that. Do you understand?" Her eyes show she is worried.__

" _ _They will do a full wipe, they will hurt you more than they need to...oh God!" she doesn't know how much to tell him, she doesn't know how long before someone comes in. "I told them you had a fit that is all, if you remember what caused it don't say if you can help it. In mission report just tell them about your mission, not about what you remembered after, not about the train..." And she stops as the door opens.__

 _ _And he knows.__

 _ _He knows to trust her.__

 _ _He knows what he experienced was a memory.__

 _ _And he knows where he has seen__ and _ _held that shield before. But, he just doesn't know why.__


	71. Chapter 71 - The Broken Promise

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Seventy-One:**** ** **The Winter Soldier & The Constant - The Broken Promise****

You are both due to go back into cryo tomorrow. The Soldier's mission is over, mission report has been filed and he has just come back to you – you are both getting ready to sleep.

 _ _Outside their door, Rumlow hesitates. There are people who would barge in, and there are people who would knock.__

 _ _He knocks.__

 _ _He is considerate but it doesn't mean that he is a nice person. The two things don't always go hand in hand.__

 _ _The door is opened by the woman.__

"We need the Soldier," says Rumlow. You look behind him, recognising one of the STRIKE force with him. Rollins, you think his name is.

It's no good refusing or closing the door and so you open it wider to allow them in.

 _ _He is sat on the sofa and by the looks of it they have just finished eating. When the Soldier sees it is Rumlow, he stands up. He is in combat trousers, tee shirt, his feet bare and they can tell he has recently showered, removed the dirt from todays mission. He has already had the memories removed.__

" _ _You are to come with us. You have another job to do," Rumlow says, and the Winter Soldier nods. He would never dream of not obeying.__

"Is there a problem?" you ask, but Rumlow just looks at you. He will not answer your questions you should know that by now. You wonder why it is him and Rollins and not the Winter Soldier's own team.

The Winter Soldier puts on his socks and boots and grabs his jacket to follow.

 **...**

The car is quiet. Rollins drives with Rumlow next to him whilst the Winter Soldier sits in the back. This is a mission he has not been properly programmed for. Rumlow has been in on the programming before today and knows what is usually involved. He has already argued with one of the programmers tonight about the nature of the programming for this mission. The programmer tried to explain that certain conditions should be met before using the words but Rumlow is under orders. He has already run through the trigger words to make the Winter Soldier ready to comply. __We don't need extensive programming for such a small inconsequential mission like this.__ Pierce's words. __Neither do we need his team. I want to keep this just between ourselves.__

Rumlow has his misgivings, but will obey orders. This is the first time he has been out on his own with the Winter Soldier and he is a bit hesitant, a bit uneasy.

Rumlow gives him his orders and asks him if he understands and he nods. He is given a gun fitted with a silencer instead of one he would normally use; the gun will disappear after this.

The Winter Soldier and Rumlow leave the car. It is night and the area is dark and quiet and they make their way to the apartments. The one they are after is on the ground floor. Rumlow has been given a key and he lets them in, both are silent. Although it is late, their target is still awake and appears to be in the sitting room – the lights are on.

Rumlow signals the way and the Winter Soldier nods and follows. Neither make any sound. They round the corner and come into the main room. She is sat at a table doing paperwork and she starts as she sees the two men come towards her.

She knows both the Winter Soldier and Rumlow and for a moment she is more confused than frightened to see them. Rumlow steps forward, hands in an open gesture whilst the Winter Soldier circles behind her. She cannot watch them both at the same time and her smile slowly falters.

"I'm sorry, Maggie," Rumlow says. It's all he can think of saying.

She tries to stand but the Winter Soldier places his hand on her shoulder to stop her. She looks up, behind her, into his face. His eyes are blank, his features expressionless.

Maggie turns back to Rumlow and gives a bitter laugh. "Why am I surprised?" Her voice is hard. "Alex is too much of a coward to do it himself."

She knows now why they are there, and deep down she has always thought this would be her ending. It doesn't make it any easier to know she was right.

Rumlow looks at the Winter Soldier and nods his head. Maggie feels his hand grip her tighter and she watches as he lifts the gun in his hand and puts the barrel of the gun to her head.

She should fight, should beg – but, in truth, she hasn't the energy. The last six months have been hard on her and she is tired. She doesn't agree with what Hydra has been doing, doesn't agree with Project Insight and had even told Alex of her misgivings about it. One time her dream would have been to follow Alex to the end of the world...but now? Now she knows that whilst she may still love him, she doesn't __like__ him and without that sense of respect she cannot carry on with the way things are going.

Rumlow looks away, waiting to hear the shot. Taking it for granted that he will.

There is no shot.

He looks back at the Soldier. He has not fired the gun, although the barrel remains against Maggie's head.

 _ _He can feel her trembling through the hand he has locked on her shoulder. He can see that her breathing is faster and he can see the fear in her eyes. This should not stop him...but it does. He knows this woman. She looks up at him and her eyes begin to well with tears.__

 _ _Rumlow steps closer. "Soldier. You must comply. You must fulfil your mission." The Soldier tries. His hand grips her even tighter and his finger tries to push down on the trigger but he can't. He cannot do it.__

"You won't hurt her, will you?" __A memory. His Constant's voice.__

" _ _Soldier!" Rumlow un-holsters his own gun and brings it up, unsure as to why the Soldier is not obeying orders. Sweat is dripping from the Winter Soldier's face and he wipes it on his sleeve; the gun in his hand is actually trembling now and Maggie is looking at him, into his eyes.__

 _ _She turns slightly in her seat so she can see him better. His hand releases its grip on her shoulder and instead he holds the gun in both hands. Rumlow is speaking and the Winter Soldier tries to clear his head, tries to concentrate, but all he can see is the woman's eyes, hear the voice in his head.__

" _ _I can't do this. Don't make me do this. Please. Don't." He is trying to fight his programming.__

 _ _But it is Maggie who reaches out to him, not Rumlow. She tries to smile whilst silent tears run down her face. "You have to," she says quietly, placing her hand over his.__

 _ _But the Soldier has made a promise not to hurt this woman and says so. "I promised..." he whispers, almost silently.__

" _ _Listen to me..." Maggie is solely focused on him, her own heart beating wildly, and for the first time she can see why Freya loves this man. She understands the utter sorrow of the Winter Soldier; he is just one more victim of Hydra. Of a world gone mad. "You need to shoot. You must. I understand. Please tell Freya I understand and you had no choice."__

 _ _The Winter Soldier sobs. He tries to clear the sweat and tears from his eyes using his arm. Then he shakes his head. No. And he cannot look away from her. She removes one of his hands from the gun so it is just being held by his left hand. Then she brings the gun closer to her forehead and puts her fingers over his.__

 _ _Rumlow has realised that the Winter Soldier is not going to shoot and curses silently. He is going to have to re-encode the Soldier with the comply words. He moves further forward, his gun trained on the Soldier.__

" _ _Longing..." he starts to recite the words thinking that just by simply repeating them it will put him back in charge of the Soldier's mind - if only it was that easy. "Rusted, seventeen..." The Winter Soldier clutches the gun tighter.__

 _ _Maggie cannot cope with the look in the Soldier's eyes. She knows what the words mean that Rumlow is saying. She focuses totally on the man in front of her.__

" _ _I understand and I forgive you," she says quietly, smiling at him as she depresses his finger.__

 _ _The shot takes her full in the head, throwing her body back like a rag doll. She is dead before the sound stops. Blood runs down the wall, splattered on her clothes and the paperwork on the table.__

 _ _The Soldier does not move. Does not lower his arm.__

 _ _Rumlow holsters his gun. Rollins has followed them in; he will stage the rest of it to look like a robbery gone wrong.__

 _ _Rumlow walks over to the Soldier. "Holster your gun," he says, but the Soldier does not move, just stares at the dead woman. Rumlow growls. "I said holster your gun!"__

 _ _The Winter Soldier hesitates, and then does as he is told. If Rumlow didn't know better he would say the man was in shock. He turns to Rollins. "Finish up here and we'll meet you back at the car." Then telling the Soldier to follow he leaves the premises.__

 _ _On the way back to base they stop once to throw the gun into a fast-flowing river, where it will never be found. There is to be no mission report. Instead, Rumlow says the words and instructs the Winter Soldier to forget.__

 _ _The Soldier does not say anything, does not look at Rumlow and Rumlow has a terrible feeling in his gut that tonight isn't over yet.__

 **...**

It is the early hours of the morning when the Winter Soldier is returned to you. You are told nothing but you can see something has happened. There is a splattering of blood on his clothes.

 _ _He walks into the quarters, but after he sees her he backs away. Rumlow is behind him, will not let him leave. Freya tries to talk to him but he doesn't want to even look at her, doesn't want to go near her. How can he after what he has just done?__

Eventually he allows you to help him out of his jacket, remove his boots, you suggest a shower but twenty minutes later he is still in there so you go to him. He is sat on the floor of the shower leaning against the wall. He has been like this before in the past, but not for a long time. You switch off the water, bring a towel, and wrap it around his shoulders.

But he pulls away from you. "Don't __touch__ me!"

The anger in his voice is frightening and so is the look he gives you. He rears up, pushing you away.

Angrily he begins to dry himself as you look on. You want to help but you can feel the heat of his anger rolling off him – yet there is also this look on his face. This look of utter __contempt__. You realise it is not for you, it is for himself.

And you know the anger in him is not directed at you.

He goes back through to the main part of the room and grabs the clean clothes you left out. Then as he dresses you realise he is crying.

"What is it? What's wrong?" you ask, touching his arm, trying to get him to look at you - but he won't. You think he is going to leave but then it is if he runs out of steam and falls backwards to sit on the edge of the bed. You kneel at his feet. "Talk to me," you say, but he shakes his head and covers his face with his hands. "Please, I can help you!" It tears you apart to see him like this, to see him so upset. What has happened?

"No one can help me," he says quietly. "I'm a killer. All I do is destroy. I don't stop chaos I create it!" His voice begins to rise.

You are aware of the words he is saying and your heart starts to thump. If they hear him then you are worried they will do something. "I can help you. You're tired, just...just let me in. Trust me." But he shakes his head.

You lean back on your heels, watching him, and finally he looks at you. His eyes are wet, dark, and there is a pain in them that is desperate. "Don't ask me," he whispers. He reaches out for you and you respond.

"Don't hate me!" his voice begs.

"That will never happen." You stand and move to sit beside him. "Do you want to talk?" He looks so tired, so broken.

 _ _He turns to look at her to study her face. He wants to bury himself in her. She will hate him, he knows that. "I killed her," he says and looks away from her.__

" _ _Who?" she asks, but he doesn't reply. She stands up, meaning to crouch down in front of him and he looks back up at her. They are both silent and then he sees it, the dawning of the truth in her eyes.__

 _ _She tries to smile but all the time shakes her head, the smile fades "No..." And then, without realising she is doing it, she slowly backs away. Her hands come up. "No."__

 _ _He stands and reaches out. "I'm sorry," he says and swallows. The look on her face is pure shock and she knows who he is talking about without him saying her name but he still tries. "I didn't know, I didn't know it was to be her, Freya I didn't know it was Mag..."__

" _ _No!" she screams, stopping his words, stopping him. "Don't you dare! Don't you dare even say her name!"__

 _ _She turns, stumbling backwards. "No..." Then she turns back, a keening sound coming from her throat. "But Pierce...Pierce wouldn't have allowed it...not Maggie...not Maggie." And then she is sobbing. He moves forward and tries to touch her but she hits out at him.__

" _ _Don't touch me!" Their roles reversed now. "Don't__ touch _ _me."__

 _ _His hand reaching for her drops.__

" _ _It's what I am. A murderer. Nothing but a murderer. They say the words and I follow them, I obey..." And now his eyes look dangerous as the real truth begins to dawn on him.__

You look at him. Your mind is numb, you are in shock. Why? Why did they kill Maggie? She loved Alex. He should have protected her. But then you hear a noise that makes you feel sick to your stomach. Running feet in the corridor and before you know what is happening the door bursts open and then there is a full STRIKE team led by Rumlow.

You are between them and the Winter Soldier. You look at him, seeing that he has given up. Rumlow goes to walk past you.

The recording device in your quarters, they heard what he said. They know he is remembering, he has been out of cryo for too long.

"Don't touch him," you say, stepping back so you are still in between. Rumlow stops and looks at you, a sardonic smile on his face.

"You're going to stop us?" He looks beyond you to the Soldier. "You're to come with me," he says, but the Soldier does not move. "Are you disobeying orders?" Rumlow continues. The team have their guns drawn.

"He'll be all right, just...just leave him alone," you say.

 _ _Rumlow focuses on her. People fascinate him and he looks at this woman who even now is trying to protect the man she loves. He has heard the recordings, knows she loved Maggie.__

" _ _Even now, even when you know what he's done, you still love him. You still try to protect him." Rumlow says to her. Whilst he talks to her he sweeps his arm to indicate to his men to take the Winter Soldier. She knows she cannot stop them and he can see it in her eyes that it hurts.__

 _"_ _ _And you will never understand that will you?" Her voice shows disgust for him.__

 _"_ _ _He killed your friend, your__ mother figure _ _if I remember rightly," Rumlow says deliberately belittling, taunting almost, and she shakes her head. "No. Alex Pierce killed Maggie. And so did you. James..." And here she says his name deliberately, "James was just the gun in your hand."__

 _ _No more is said. They walk the Winter Soldier out and straight to the Main Room. They force and lock him down into the master chair. Rumlow refused to allow Freya to follow. She annoyed him; she is so blinkered by love. How can she love the Soldier? How can she forgive him? It annoys him that she is so weak. That she makes the Winter Soldier weak.__

 _ _One of the programmers is waiting for them, and is tetchy. They are not normally used at a wipe but it was felt it was best to have one present on this occasion.__

" _ _I told you the words should be used in controlled situations only!" he snaps, and Rumlow has had enough.__

" _ _Well them maybe you would like to tell Pierce yourself," he snaps back. The man tuts as they fasten the Soldier down. There is no fight left in him and Rumlow looks at him, more angered than he should be.__

" _ _You belong to Hydra. In the future, Soldier, you will obey orders." Rumlow walks forward and leans over putting both his hands on the chair arms and looks into the Soldier's eyes as if looking for something. Whatever it is, he doesn't find it. "You know, I used to look up to you. I thought you were the perfect Soldier. But you're not, are you? You're weak. Like all the rest of the bleating sheep out there." He wants to get a rise out of him, to make him angry, bring him back to who he is supposed to be.__

 _ _The Soldier focuses on him. "Why? So you can get me to murder anyone when they don't suit your way of thinking? Hydra's way of thinking?" he says quietly. He is tired, not just physically but mentally. He has been out of cryo too long, too many thoughts are coming to mind. The Winter Soldier laughs, and it is an awful sound. "You are wrong. Hydra is wrong. You're nothing but a bunch of psychopaths," he spits the words at Rumlow and watches as the man clenches his teeth in fury.__

 _ _He has nothing more to say to Rumlow. He looks away.__

" _ _You think she loves you? You think you love her? You think because you are beginning to remember you know everything? Well, you don't." The Soldier looks back and Rumlow shakes his head. "You don't love her. You can't...and do you know why that is? Do you remember yet?" He leans in closer. "Because you love someone else. A man you thought was dead...but he isn't. Do you remember the name Steve Rogers?" And he sees shock in the Soldier's eyes. Rumlow smiles an awful deaths-head grin. "He's alive but we're going to destroy him, and it will be you that we use to take his life."__

 _ _And Rumlow can see the name does sound familiar to the Winter Soldier, sees him look down and his mouth move saying the name. Sees a terrible look come into the Soldier's eyes.__

 _ _Rumlow hasn't finished. He leans in even closer and whispers into the Winter Soldier's ear. "And guess what Soldier. In a moment, they're going to wipe you, take away your memories again and once they wipe you, you will forget him all over again. How does that feel?"__

 _ _He slaps the chair arms and then walks away. As the Soldier starts to remember, as he begins to react, the clamps hold him firmly. It is too late.__

" _ _No, no wait a minute, wait..." The Soldier tries to say as memories start to show, as he begins to realise.__

" _ _Wipe him!" Rumlow turns his back on him and leaves the room hearing the screams begin when he is a few feet away and walking down the corridor. And it makes him smile. They will soon have their Soldier back and in perfect working order.__

 **...**

During the time the Soldier is away you cannot settle. You pace the floor for what seems like hours, but then you hear a quiet sound and as you watch the door opens and the person there puts a finger to his lips to tell you to be quiet. He beckons you out to the corridor. It is Rollins.

You follow him a slight way down the corridor, not knowing what he wants. You can see he is nervous. He stops you, puts his hand on your arm. "They can't see us or hear us here," he says, his voice quiet. You do not really know this man and feel uncertain as to why you trusted him. "They have taken him for wiping so he won't remember, but..." He looks at you, he can see your eyes are full of pain and he knows you are finding this difficult. "I was there tonight. Maggie knew, she knew why we had come, you could see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice."

"Why are you telling me this?" You say to him. Is he trying to make it hurt even more than it does? "Are you trying to rub it in, trying to..."

"No, no...no." He shakes his head and you see a humanity in his gaze. "I thought you should know he couldn't do it. The Winter Soldier...he couldn't shoot her. He __cried__. It was Maggie that helped him. She told him that she forgave him, told him to tell you she had forgiven him and then she..." and at this he stops for a second his eyes going back to the scene. "Then she covered his hand on the gun and made him shoot her."

Your hand flies to your mouth and you make that same keening noise. He touches your arm almost as if trying to console you. "Why? Why are you telling me this?" you ask, knowing the trouble he could get into.

"Because not all of us believe totally in what is happening..." And he tries to smile. "I liked Maggie, she didn't deserve...didn't deserve to die. One day you may need to tell him she forgave him..." you remain looking at him sure he hasn't finished, "he saved my life once...on a mission, not that it was anything to him at the time,"

And then before you can reply you hear a terrible noise. You hear the Winter Soldier screaming. Rollins looks behind him "...not that he'll even remember that he did," he finishes quietly.

He lets go of you "I've got to go..." and turns to leave.

"Rollins..." he turns back to you.

"Thank you."

And he nods.

 **...**

The Soldier is barely conscious when they bring him back to you. Two of the STRIKE team soldiers carry him into your quarters between them and throw him on the bed and then leave.

You look down at him. He is bleeding from his nose and one ear. There are red marks on his face where the plates clamped down on him, small burn marks where the metal was too hot. What looks like black bruising under his eyes. His face is rough with stubble, and there is a deep scratch on his cheek bone. His hair is knotted and tangled, his clothes smell of body odour and are stained with sweat and yet they were fresh on less than two hours ago. There are scratches and marks on his right arm where his body fought against the restraints and the same marks around his ankles.

It must have been a deep wipe but you know he will be all right. You know the serum will repair the physical damage. But what about him? Who will repair him? His mind? How can you hold him responsible for the things they make him do? You can't. You meant it when you said it was Pierce that killed Maggie and you hope with all your being that she wasn't frightened, that she didn't suffer.

He will have no memory in the morning of anything other than who he is and who his Constant is. And his masters, naturally. No memory of Maggie's last words and what she told him about forgiving him. But you will remember and if ever he needs you to tell him you will.

You undress him and by now he is coming around and is able to come with you to the bathroom where you help him take a shower. By the time he falls back into bed he is asleep on his feet. You cuddle up close to him but before you sleep you have one more thing to do.

You pray for Maggie.

 **...**

 ** **24 Hours Earlier****

Maggie is clearing the days work from her desk. It is late, and for once she is heading home to her apartment with Alex. Spending time with him outside of work is something that happens less and less these days.

She is under no illusion that he has tired of her, but stupidly she still feels safe. She has spent the last twenty something years of her life at his side. She has kept his secrets, kept him company, done anything he wanted but now he doesn't call on her services as much. She doesn't kid herself. When she looks in the mirror she sees she has grown old and knows that he no longer finds her attractive.

But tonight he spends the evening and part of the night with her. When he leaves the seed of doubt is planted.

"You know how much I appreciate what you've done for me, don't you Maggie?" he says, and it is the past tense that hits home to her.

"Sounds like you're finally planning on letting me retire," she says jokingly and he laughs, but it is a false laugh.

"Something we can talk about," he says and he kisses her forehead.

She sees him to the door. She knows she will not see him for another two days as he is going to the country with his wife and children.

"See you Thursday," she says, and he nods.

She closes the door behind him. For some reason she feels sick and all night she thinks about what he said. No, surely he wouldn't have her killed...not after all this time and their closeness...he knows how much she loves him...

 _ _But I am getting old and he wants a younger model.__ And so she tries to tell herself he is simply talking about her retiring on her sixtieth birthday, which is fast approaching.

In the car on the way home, Pierce calls Rumlow and tells him he wants to meet. He is to pick one other person to bring with him and they are to tell no one about the meeting.

"I have a job for you to do," he says and hangs up.


	72. Chapter 72 - The Man On The Bridge

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**This narrative does contain adult material that pertains to the story so please do not read if you feel you may be offended. There are disturbing medical procedures in this chapter.**

 **...**

 ** **Chapter Seventy-Two:**** ** **The Winter Soldier & The Man On The Bridge****

 **After The Mission**

"We got him out of there as soon as we could, sir. Yes...yes...I don't actually know. I didn't see it. But Daniel did, and it...it was..." A lowered voice. "It was Rogers, sir."

Felix nods as though Pierce could see him, and then shakes his head when Daniel looks at him. He then turns to look at the Winter Soldier.

"No," he continues into the phone, "totally unresponsive. We're taking him back to the vault now. Uh-huh. We lost Artur...yes, sir...no problem. Meet you there." And he hangs up, pursing his lips and blowing out air.

They are parked on a side street, and they can still hear the sirens heading to the distant scene. In the back with them is the body of their fallen comrade Artur Kostin, the man Rogers had been with, Sam Wilson had taken him down. But there was no time to mourn for their lost colleague, and they had not even stayed to see Rumlow round up Rogers, Wilson, and Romanoff. But Pierce had just confirmed by phone that they had them.

Felix looks at Daniel Atkins. "Rumlow has Rogers, Romanoff and Wilson. They'll be terminated. Jesus, what a day...tell me again, what was it that Rogers said?"

They have the Winter Soldier but there is something wrong with him. His arm has been damaged, and he is covered in scratches and bruises, but it is his eyes that has Felix worried. Something has affected his mind.

"It wasn't exactly what he said. He called him something...it sounded like Bucky." And as Atkins says it the Winter Soldier lifts his head. Both Felix and Atkins react by reaching for their guns, but the Soldier just lowers his head again. They can see he is saying something under his breath, but it is too quiet for them to hear. He has not spoken to them since they put him in the van.

"What did Pierce say?" Atkins asks.

Felix sighs, dry washes his face. "Just that we are to take him back for mission report at the vault and he will meet us there later with Rumlow."

 **...**

 **Mission Report**

"Mission Report!" Felix repeats himself for the third time, but the Soldier simply sits in the master chair and stares at only something he can see.

Normally they would ask Freya to come and see if she can get any response, but word from above is she is now __persona non grata.__ No one is permitted to talk to her, and even she herself is unaware of why. The Winter Soldier's team have been updated on the fact she has been seen talking to Rogers. To SHIELD.

She is to be terminated. And the Winter Soldier will be given the task.

Rollins enters the room. "Pierce has arrived but I warn you, he's not at all happy," he tells Felix, adding: "Rogers and his friends escaped."

"Shit! How?...No, don't tell me. I'll find out later." And with that, he turns and leaves the vault with Atkins in tow. Their next task is burying Artur's body.

After they have gone, one of the technicians pulls up a chair next to the Winter Soldier and pulls on his metallic arm, opening it up so that he can get to the circuitry within. The Soldier sits still, still lost, still watching the flashes pass through his mind. Every so often his lips will move silently, as though he is conversing with someone.

" _ _Sergeant Barnes," Zola addresses him, standing before him. His heart begins to hammer. Fear grips him. The pictures keep moving, and this one suddenly jumps to a train about to enter a tunnel. Then he is onboard the train with a man,__ the man _ _, the one he saw today on the bridge – but no, no longer in the train. Outside of it. Hanging on for his life. The man is leaning out of the rent in the side of the train, screaming "Bucky!" There is pure panic in his voice. The Winter Soldier cannot hang on, the metal is coming away from its moorings and as he falls backwards he hears the man scream again: "No!"__

 _ _Then he feels himself hurtling through the air, but before he hits the ground the picture jumps again. He is now being dragged along the hard ice-covered ground, his body broken, part of his left arm missing. There is such awful pain everywhere. His mind is clouded and he cannot think. Then Zola again, telling him: "The procedure has already started." A surgeon is cutting into what is left of his arm. He can feel it being sliced away and he tries to scream.__

His pulse is elevated, his body sweating. Every so often he jumps as if something has shocked him. The technician grumbles: it will take forever to repair the arm if the Soldier keeps moving. He jumps again, moves, turns his head to the side as if listening to a voice. His long hair covers his face, wet with heavy sweat.

" _ _You are to be the new fist of Hydra," Zola is telling him. The images flash by so fast, he does not have time to think. In the memory he tries to hold his hands up: one is flesh, the other metal. And with the metal one he reaches out and encircles the neck of one of the scientists and begins to squeeze. "Put him on ice," a voice says. He thinks it is Zola again but he is not sure. As he hears that, the scene begins to fade and instead he is in a pod, a cryo pod, but one of the old ones and they are freezing him. He can hear the crackling of his skin...__

 _ _He wants to cry out. Wants to escape. Wants them to stop.__

Without any warning the Winter Soldier lashes out, sending the technician flying backwards. The STRIKE guards move forward, guns all aimed on the Solider. He doesn't move any further, just sits on the edge of the chair, pumped, his fists clenched. He is so very far away.

 _ _What's happening to me? he thinks, and as he does so the pain in his heard worsens as his programming tries to shut down his memories. But he fights it. He wants to know the answer. The man on the bridge, he called me Bucky, why do I know that name? Why do I know that man? He knows it is important. He must fight to remember.__

Pierce enters the vault with Rumlow in tow, but the Soldier is not aware of anything happening outside the confines of his own mind.

"Sir, he's unstable, erratic..." One of the technicians tries to point out to Pierce. As Pierce walks up to the Soldier, he indicates to the STRIKE team to lower their weapons and step back. He studies his prize asset and can see he is million miles away.

 _ _More flashbacks. "Bucky come on!" The man from the bridge again. Always it comes back to him. A Soldier wearing a bowler hat is calling him over: "Hey, Sergeant Barnes!" He lifts his hand in greeting. "Over here!" They are in a pub and the man in the hat is handing him a drink. He frowns, looks at him, and the man grins. Someone claps him on the back.__

 _ _Then they are back up high, on the snow covered mountains and a zip wire is being snapped into place. He is with the same men. He can see the train again and a gut-wrenching feeling hits him, because he knows when he is on that train he will fall once more. Nothing can stop that from happening. Nothing can stop him from falling.__

Pierce stands in front of the Winter Soldier.

"Mission report," he says. He is the Handler and the Soldier should respond immediately to him - but nothing happens. "Mission report now!" There is a hardness to Pierce's voice.

Pierce moves forward and bends to look at the Winter Soldier, studies his face again, sees the lost look in his eyes – suddenly, without warning, Pierce strikes him around the face, hard. That seems to break the spell the Soldier is held in and he appears to come around; intelligence flickers back into those eyes, and he finally turns to Pierce.

" _ _The man on the bridge..." And as he speaks, the Soldier can see Steve Rogers in his mind. Steve. That is his name - but who is he? The memory is on the very tip of his mind. Steve calling him Bucky. "Who was he?" he asks his Handler. He can see this Steve in his mind but still doesn't fully understand who he is, why he makes his heart race. There is no context to his memories.__

Pierce makes sure they have eye contact. "You met him earlier this week on another assignment," he says, expecting the Soldier to believe him. But the Winter Soldier cannot bring himself to believe his Handler. He cannot escape the look on the face of the man who said that name – __Bucky__. Truth be told he doesn't want to escape, doesn't want to lose the memory.

The Soldier's eyes drop as he tries to think, trying to take in what he is being told. "I knew him," he says, his eyes again beginning to focus inwards at his memories.

Pierce knows he needs to stop him from thinking. He pulls up a chair, sits directly in front of the Soldier. The Soldier is still looking inwards, desperately trying to remember. He knows it is important, the man called Steve is so important to him.

Pierce starts to talk, gets the Soldier to look at him. "Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped this century, and I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning we're going to give it a push. But if you don't do your part, I can't do mine, and HYDRA can't give the world the freedom it deserves."

As he speaks, he watches the Soldier closely. The Soldier goes from looking at his Handler to looking away and then back again. It is obvious he is taking in what Pierce is saying, but he is also questioning it in his own mind. Pierce finishes his speech and the Winter Soldier looks at him once more: the look is one of query, one that shows he is still not convinced.

And then he tries to smile at Pierce. The smile is a sad one. "But I knew him," he says simply.

Pierce is not happy. He gazes at his asset once more and then gets up and turns his back on him.

"Prep him," he says harshly to one of the technicians.

"He's been out of cryo-freeze too long," the man replies, and Pierce turns and looks at the Soldier one more time. "Then wipe him and start over." The words are harsh, uncaring, his look is one of contempt for the Soldier in the chair. There is no pity, no compassion. His toy is broken, he wants it repaired no matter what the cost.

 _ _As he hears what his Handler says his mind begins to cry out in protest. The technicians walk over to him and force him back into the chair. He knows he__ has _ _to obey, he knows the pain that is coming. He begins to breathe faster. One of the techs places a gum shield in his mouth. He feels the clamps catch his arms and pin him to the chair. His whole body reacts to them as he is pushed even further back into the seat. His Handler stands there, watching.__

 _ _His fists clamp on to the sides of the chair and his whole body trembles, not because he is scared but because he knows what is to come. He cannot escape it. His breathing increases even more as the machine whirls overhead and comes down to clamp his head. He can hear the hum of the electricity that any minute now will be shot into him, into his brain, his mind, fry whatever he has there that they don't want him to keep. He wants to cry out, but then the hum turns into a crackling as it shoots through him and his screams can be heard all the way through the vault.__

 _ _The STRIKE team shuffle their feet. They cannot look away, yet a few of them have a moment of pity for the Soldier as once again they watch him being torn apart piece by piece.__

Pierce turns and leaves with Rumlow in his wake. Rumlow takes one look back and his feelings are conflicted. He is still angry about losing Rogers and the others, but there is a small part of him that hates to admit he still admires Rogers...and now as he looks at Barnes, pity overwhelms him. But he doesn't want that. He wants to be able to hate these men. At the beginning he thought they would be able to bring Rogers into Hydra's fold, but that was not possible. He took against Project Insight, even put doubts into Nick Fury's mind to the point where Fury had called for the project to be delayed. Rogers is too restricted in his thinking and does not agree with Hydra's vision of the new world and that makes Rogers dangerous. Rumlow wants to feel contempt for the Captain, but a small part of him still believes in the heroes from old and he doesn't want that. It annoys the hell out of Rumlow and makes him just as dangerous.

 **...**

 **The Woman On the Bridge**

The Winter Soldier is angry.

He watches the woman running for cover on the road below. She shot at him, hit him, but luck and his goggles had saved the bullet from doing any damage. He tells the others to go after the man. __The woman is mine,__ he had growled in Russian.

He tracks where she has gone and jumps from the bridge down to her level. There are cars scattered everywhere on the road, people running, but he walks slowly, efficiently, scanning to find her, loading his Remington. He ignores the people trying to get out of his way; one look at him is enough to make them flee. He wants the woman who shot at him. He is hunting her now. He looks for her red hair. There is a vague familiarity there but he doesn't know why but it is so insignificant he doesn't question it. She has to die, and he will kill her.

It is getting quieter now - not so many people screaming - and then he hears it. Her voice. He listens to the words; it sounds like she is on the phone, requesting help. He listens carefully to pinpoint her voice and then he stops. She is behind one of the cars. He bends down and taking a spherical grenade from his belt he rolls it under the car. Five seconds later, it explodes. He is ready for her, expecting the explosion to flush her out but there is nothing and he realises he has been fooled. His hands tighten on his weapon, the annoyance showing in his eyes.

Before he can recover, the woman launches herself from atop of the car behind him and onto his shoulders, forcing him to drop his gun. She clamps her legs around his neck in the hope of bringing him down. She is strong, well taught in the art of fighting but he is stronger, has his enhanced strength and his metal arm. He struggles to unseat her. She has in her hands a wire garotte and attempts to place it around his throat but he stops her. His anger is fuelling his strength and right now he is furious that he cannot free himself of her.

He changes tactics. He throws her bodily forward into a car which dislodges her and she falls onto the road. He picks up his gun and goes to fire at her but she manages to throw a small metal disk which hits him and attaches itself to the metal of his arm. There is a crackling noise and a blue light, and an electric current runs through him, incapacitating his metal arm. He has to stop to disengage the disk whilst she runs. The Soldier dislodges it, hears his arm power up once more and then he is back to hunting her again.

The woman is running. There are more people around and she shouts at them to get out of the way, to run. She doesn't want them to get hurt. The Winter Soldier brings up his Skorpion machine gun and sprays the car she is running behind with bullets. A bullet catches her in her left shoulder, wounding her. She goes down but is protected by the shell of the car. The shock begins to make her go cold, her blood sugar level drops and fear starts to gnaw at her, something she is not used to. Her bogeyman is back.

He smiles to himself, he has her, he knows where she is and he knows she is injured.

He jumps up onto the bonnet of a car and aims his gun.

 **...**

 **The Man On The Bridge**

Steve Rogers looks around at the panic and confusion. People are running for their lives, away from the fight, away from the strange Soldier with the covered face. Instinctively they know he will fire at anyone who gets in the way. Steve cannot let it happen again. The road is a battleground of cars parked haphazardly: some crashed, all abandoned, some with engines still running. A police car destroyed earlier by the Winter Soldier burns in amongst the chaos, luckily the two occupants had jumped to safety when they saw in disbelief what was about to happen to them.

This __thing__ , this __creature__ has already killed Nick Fury and Steve was unable to stop that from happening. Now he can see the Soldier has Natasha pinned down behind a car. She's injured; he can see blood seeping through the left sleeve of her jacket, a bullet wound in her shoulder. She is sat up against the side of the car and there is an uncharacteristic look of fear and shock on her face. Steve can see the Soldier has her trapped and is going in for the kill.

This is the one he knows Natasha fears. He is the only person she has ever told about the Winter Soldier and her history with him. Steve is not going to allow the assassin a third chance to kill her. Looking at the Soldier now he can see that he is an expert killing machine: there is no feeling in those eyes but coldness, and he is zeroed in on his target and he will not stop until his target is terminated. He can hear the noise from the arm, see the metal glinting; the links are making an engaging sound and the Soldier is getting ready to fire, his gun lined up.

As Steve rushes towards the Winter Soldier, he takes in his features. He is dressed in black combat gear. All except the silver arm with the red star emblazoned at the top. A black mask covers his lower face. The goggles that previously obscured his eyes have gone but Steve knows if he looked into the Soldier's eyes all he would see is death. His dark brown hair is parted in the middle, down as far as his collar. From the Soldier's stance Steve would say the Soldier is in his early thirties. How can that be, though? Natasha said the Winter Soldier has been murdering and creating chaos for over seventy years.

The Soldier is stood on top of a car, gun in hand. He steadies himself to shoot at Natasha. Steve comes up on the right hand side of the Soldier, shield in his own hand and running as fast as he can. The shield is the only weapon Steve carries. He sees the moment the Soldier notices him approaching and becoming more of a threat than Natasha, Steve prays it will give her time to get clear.

The Soldier turns fully to face the oncoming problem. He hits out at Steve who brings up his shield to take the hit; metal strikes metal. It stops Steve in his tracks and the Soldier kicks out, hurling Steve away from him and firing his gun but the only target is the shield which Steve holds up to protect himself.

The Soldier tries to use several different weapons against the shield but none penetrate the metal and it becomes a fight between the two of them, punches and kicks that send both men sprawling as strength goes up against strength. They are evenly matched something Steve finds shocking. The Soldier has to be enhanced, like him, that can be the only answer.

Somehow the Soldier wrestles the shield away from Steve, who backs away as the Soldier throws it with lethal strength. He means for it to hit Steve, but Steve ducks and the shield ends up embedded in a van. The speed and strength of the Winter Soldier is daunting, matching Steve's own. He is forced to take on more of a defensive stand with the Soldier's onslaught, there is such anger there all now focused on him.

As Steve once again goes up against the Winter Soldier, the Soldier uses a knife to try to slash and stab but with no luck, Steve can see the anger mounting in the assassin's eyes. It is a cold deep seated fury, this Soldier has a mission and he must fulfil it. Steve continues to watch the Winter Soldier's eyes as he fights to give some indication of what is coming next. The Soldier does not even stop for a moment. He is here to kill and that is what he intends to do. That is his entire focus. Death and destruction.

Steve knows he is running out of time: he can hear sirens, knows that very soon they will be joined by STRIKE teams who are hunting him. He needs to try and finish this but not before the Soldier manages to get his metal hand around Steve's throat. Squeezing, the Soldier pulls Steve towards him and then throws him backwards into a car. Any other man would have died. Steve uses the moment to rescue his shield from where it is wedged in the van and uses it in an all out attack on the Soldier.

He pressures the Soldier and manages to wedge his shield into one of the metal rings that make up the metallic left arm, causing damage. He can hear as well as see the damage he causes but it does nothing to incapacitate the Soldier. Steve hits the Soldier with the side of the shield, pulls at him and hurls him to the ground but he rolls and jumps up. Where Steve hit him hard his mask is dislodged and falls to the road.

Steve can now see the assassin's face.

And he feels like someone has punched him.

He looks at the Soldier in front of him, twenty feet away and he feels a jolt of pure shock in his chest, his mouth opens wordlessly. He can see the Soldier so clearly now. The blue eyes, the familiar features. The Soldier watches him for his next decision but Steve doesn't move.

"Bucky?" Steve's voice is incredulous and the look in his eyes mirrors the shock he is feeling. The Soldier can see the man is stunned. A million thoughts flash through Steve's mind. How? How can it by Bucky? __It can't be,__ Steve thinks...but he would know James Barnes anywhere.

The Soldier frowns at what the man has just said to him. "Who the hell is Bucky?" he growls, watching his assailant. Then, and just for a brief moment something shows in the Winter Soldier's eyes, a flash of confusion. But it does not last long. He shakes himself and raises his gun.

Steve is not thinking straight. He has let his defences down and the Soldier takes advantage of that, aiming his gun. Steve still stands there, an easy target but before the Soldier can fire he is hit from behind by Sam, flying in on his special military-grade wings.

The Soldier is thrown forward. He recovers from the blow and raises to shoot again but he is too late, he is out of time. Whilst Steve is still stunned the Soldier can see Natasha has recovered and is now just behind and standing to the side of Steve, holding the Soldier's own grenade launcher. She fires at him. The missile hits the car next to him and by the time the smoke and fire clear he has gone, there is no sign of him at all.

Steve runs forward, searching, but he cannot see anyone. In those last few seconds he had seen the Soldier's eyes, and the look of anger and frustration had gone – instead there was something else – hurt and confusion. Something in the name Bucky had clicked with him Steve knows it had.

"Jesus, Buck," he says quietly to himself. "What the hell happened?"

 **...**

 **Sam Wilson**

Sam Wilson watches Steve Rogers. He feels as though he has known him forever and he guesses in a way that he has; growing up with a legend like Captain America, everyone in the USA has heard of him. But to not only have met the man but become a friend, he realises now just how important both Steve and Natasha have become to him in the short time he has known them.

They had been captured by Rumlow, and he still finds it difficult to believe both Rumlow and Pierce are with Hydra. And if it had not been for Maria Hill, they would have been disposed of; their bodies rotting in lonely graves but she had rescued them, brought them here - where another shock had been in store for them.

Nick Fury – alive.

He can see that Steve's thoughts have taken him a million miles away, and he cannot say he blames him. Yesterday he thought their day was bad enough; today everything had once again been turned on its head. Yesterday they believed Nick Fury was dead and now they know he is alive, hiding out here at a converted HQ hidden in the dam.

He doesn't look well...but it's better than being dead.

Sam realises he has avoided getting to close to people since he lost his co-pilot, Riley. It hurts too much when you lose a friend. He had hidden himself away by helping people at the Department of Veteran Affairs and whilst helping them with their PTSD, he realises he was also helping himself. The guilt he feels over not being able to save Riley will never leave him, and now he has a chance of redemption. Yet in truth, no redemption is needed. Sam Wilson is an honourable man: there was nothing he could have done about his co-pilot dying - but he will never see it that way. It is just one of the symptoms of his PTSD, the guilt that he has survived whilst others had not.

Now he looks out at Steve and recognises the same look in his eyes. He had told them that Bucky Barnes had been his best friend. They had grown up together - __even when I had nothing I had Bucky,__ he had said. They had heard the stories years ago, how Captain America and the Howling Commandos had defeated Hydra – or so it was thought - and how one of the Commandos, Bucky Barnes, had lost his life in that fight.

But both Sam and Natasha had known Bucky had been more than a friend to Steve, and they can both see the pain he is in. He had not saved his own partner, had not even been able to bring his body home. And now? Now Bucky Barnes was not only alive, but had been all along and was the fabled Winter Soldier. How? What had happened? It could send Steve mad if he let it, if __they__ let him. He needed them now and didn't even know it but they did.

 _ _Steve gazes at the water out over the dam's walkway. A bell tolls somewhere in the distance as Steve remembers how Bucky came to find him after his mother's funeral; when Bucky had promised he was with Steve 'until the end of the line'. He can almost feel the warmth of Bucky's hand on his shoulder, see the blue eyes looking so deeply into his. Remembered how Bucky had made him feel like he wasn't alone. And, just for a split second he feels that somehow when he was frozen Bucky was there as well, still ensuring that he wasn't alone. Before he can grasp the concept fully, Sam interrupts his thoughts and it is gone like a dream you cannot remember when you finally wake up.__

"He's going to be there, you know?" Sam tells him and Steve continues to gaze out across the water.

"I know."

"Look. Whoever he used to be, the guy he is now...I don't think he's the kind you save. He's the kind you stop."

"I don't know if I could do that."

Sam knows he has to be honest. "Well, he might not give you a choice. He doesn't __know__ you."

Steve finally looks at Sam and there is a determined look in his eyes that carries through to his voice. "He will."

Steve looks once more at Sam, and then goes to walk away. "Gear up, it's time," he says.

"You gonna wear that?" Sam asks as Steve turns. He smiles for the first time.

"No. If you're gonna fight a war...you've got to wear a __uniform__."

 **...**

At the Smithsonian the old guard decides to take one more turn around the Captain America exhibition. It is gone midnight, quiet. Everyone is asleep.

He is thinking about yesterday. About the woman with the long plait and the man chasing after her. The man had actually gone back to talk to him, to ask questions about the woman and it took a few minutes for the guard to realise he was actually talking to __the__ Steve Rogers. He tried to apologise but Rogers had smiled, told him he wasn't to blame, thanked him for doing his job.

"Can I have your autograph? You know, for my grandson?" he had asked at the end, and like a gentleman Steve had taken the time to autograph one of the leaflets from the Exhibition.

"Whats your grandson's name?" he had asked the guard.

"Stan," the guard had said, flushing red, but Steve had already guessed the autograph was actually for the guard himself and he just smiled.

And then later, he heard that someone from the government had come and taken away the CCTV disks for that day. He doesn't know it but he is lucky that they had not realised at that time that he had talked to Rogers or the woman. That knowledge, fortunately, dropped through the gaps and doesn't come to light - otherwise he may not have lived to see his next birthday.

As he walks into the area where the costumes are he looks up at the display and blinks. He looks again and then walks forward.

"Oh, man. I am so fired!" he moans as he realises that Captain America's Second World War costume is missing.

All that is left is a naked dummy covering itself with a wooden shield and what looks like an embarrassed smile.


	73. Chapter 73 - Traitor!

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**This narrative does contain adult material that pertains to the story so please do not read if you feel you may be offended. There are disturbing medical procedures in this chapter.** **This chapter contains graphic violence.**

 **...**

 ** **Chapter Seventy-Three:**** ** **The Winter Soldier & The Constant – Traitor!****

 _ _Alexander Pierce is so close to success that he can almost reach out and touch it. Did Nick Fury honestly think he could snatch it all away? Did he really think his SHIELD was mightier than Hydra? Pierce can't help but laugh in contempt to himself when he looks again at the pictures.__

 _ _He shuffles through them whilst the man who brought them looks on. Pierce looks up at him suddenly, throwing the pictures on the table. The top one shows Freya Bowman talking to Steve Rogers in the Smithsonian.__

" _ _You don't know what was said?" he asked again, but he already knows the answer.__

" _ _No sir, just that they obviously decided it was a good place to meet...we nearly missed it. It was only when we ran the disk to see where she had been that we realised she had deviated from her route. Then we had to rely on the CCTV from the museum itself which isn't the most brilliant to say the least."__

 _"_ _ _And you don't know if they've met before?"__

 _"_ _ _We could go back through the logs," he paused. "To be honest, sir, we took our eye off the ball. We thought she was loyal to us. It was pure luck we caught this."__

 _"_ _ _Second-guessing ourselves isn't worth it. Whatever secrets she may have given away...it's too late now to delay anything. We still go ahead as planned." Pierce sits down, picking up the photos and feeds them into the shredder. "Terminate her."__

 _"_ _ _Sir." The man goes to leave but Pierce is angry. Quietly angry. He gave her a chance; he should have followed his gut feeling about her in the first place all those years ago. How dare she try and undermine the work Hydra is doing when they are so close to completion?__

 _"_ _ _Wait..."__

 _ _The man returns to the desk.__

 _"_ _ _I want her hurt. I want her to know she's lost. Tell them when they do the final programming make sure the Winter Soldier knows she is the enemy, and tell him to kill her. I want her to know he belongs to us," Pierce looks up and the man swallows.__

 _"_ _ _Yes Sir."__

" _ _And make sure the body is incinerated afterwards. I don't want any slip ups. I don't want anything left of her."__

" _ _Sir."__

 _ _The meeting ends.__

 **...**

In the morning you will return to the facility, but for tonight you are both to remain here in the temporary quarters at the Bank Vault. You have such a terrible gut feeling that this is it. This is the end. The things you have overheard...the things they have done to the Winter Soldier...his utter confusion when he came back from his earlier mission...

He just kept repeating: "I knew him." He had been disorientated, unfocused - even violent. Although you were there when he arrived back, his team would not allow you to speak to him, nor would they look at you. It's as if they know something about you that you don't, it's as if they no longer trust you. You were sent back to your quarters, with Felix telling you that you were not needed.

He wouldn't even look you in the eye.

You wander around the room, picking things up and putting them down again. You don't know if the Soldier will be returned to you tonight. You hate this room. Part of a bank years ago, it now houses the inner-city-centre for the Winter Soldier. It is underground and you rarely sleep here but tonight these will be your quarters. In the end you decide to carry on with routine and you get the things ready that the Winter Soldier will need the next morning.

Because of the butterflies in your stomach, you know this is the time you need to do it. This is the time you need to send him out there with something he may need.

In one of the pockets of his combat trousers you always place a small plastic bag with money in; that way if he ever gets separated on a mission he can always get by until he reconnects with Hydra. This time you put in more money than you normally do. You also wrap the ten $20 bills and ten $50 bills around a small key and place them in the bag, then in the pocket. If you are wrong and they catch you they will kill you...but if you are right, then it may save his life.

You hear footsteps in the corridor and the door opens and for a moment you are relieved. It is him.

Then you see his eyes.

He is so cold, so angry. Over the years you thought you had known his every temper, known his hatred, but tonight it is more than that.

Tonight, you know it is the end.

You don't know what they have told him but you do know the wipe they had to do was extreme. You heard his screaming even in here. And they would not allow you to be present, you were told you are not allowed to even leave your quarters and a guard had been posted outside.

You do not know what you have done wrong, but you are sure you will soon find out and it is serious. Could they have found out about Rogers? About the bag?

The Winter Soldier comes into the room, turns and shuts the door, locking it, and then, looking at you he puts the key up on top of the wardrobe. Somewhere he knows you can't reach.

The smile he gives you is cold, thin-lipped, empty. There is nothing there for you. You swallow. You can see his programming has been hard, deep. His nose has bled at some point and there is a trickle of blood on his neck. There is hatred in his eyes.

 **...**

 _ _They set up the usual layers. Reminding him he belongs to them. He must obey orders. They gave him details of his next mission but this time they didn't mention__ her __in the normal way they do.__

 _ _This time they programmed him with two missions. She is to be the first.__

 _ _He still remembers her from the wipe, still knows who she is. After they had programmed him on the Project Insight mission, they started the Constant programme. First of all, they make him believe they have him sat at a table. They have sheafs of blank paper, photographs of people doctored to look like his Constant.__

 _ _They sat at each end with him in between and fed him lies, showing him photographs of her with SHIELD operatives. They said they had proof of her treachery. They were softly spoken. Apologetic. Solicitous, even.__

" _ _We are so sorry. We had no idea until now. We know how much she means to you, we have always trusted her. She has let us down too. She has sold you out to SHIELD."__

 _ _Photograph after photograph that he believed were real. Images of her with other men, sexual in nature, or worse. Then they showed him bank statements, records of logs where they had 'discovered' she left her route, where he thought, he believed, she was waiting for him after a mission. And now he believes she was with them, with SHIELD.__

 _ _They tell him they have discovered she has been betraying him and Hydra for years. When he questioned why, they told him she had betrayed them all, that she had been feeding him lies, giving him drugs, even causing nightmares to make him think he recognised the blond-haired man on the bridge who is a top SHIELD operator. She had used her own version of programming him, using insinuations, putting hallucinogenics in his drinks, making him believe he was someone else. Someone who once had a past.__

 _ _Trying to undermine him. Trying to destroy him from within.__

 _ _They end it with a short film. Pure porn. A woman servicing two men at the same time, one brunette one blond. None of the actors look like anyone he knows but the programming makes him believe it is Freya with the two men. But even they don't realise how screwed up his brain is when he takes in what is happening in the film. In his mind he thinks it is him, the blond operative...and her.__

 _ _This short film will come back to haunt him when he least wants it to. He will always carry the poisoned thoughts of Hydra deep in the darkest places and one day he will act on them. Whilst he is shown the film unknown to him in his programmed state a woman sits next to him, whispering in his ear, feeling his erection through the material of his trousers. Using her hand to stroke him until, sobbing, he comes when he doesn't want to.__

 _ _Oh, they screw him up so very much.__

 _ _They continue: "We are so sorry. We were going to take her out but Director Pierce thought it was only fair that you are given the chance to kill her. She is your responsibility. She has betrayed you more than any of us. Director Pierce has asked nothing remain of her afterwards."__

 _ _When they had finally let him go he had felt he was going to be sick, the images keep flashing through his mind: her with all of those men, then images of her telling him she loves him, telling him she will always be there for him, laughing behind his back. Trying to destroy his mind.__

 _ _By the time he arrives back at their shared quarters he hates her, hates her with a passion he didn't think was possible. Wants to put his hands around her throat and squeeze until there is nothing left of her.__

He has been told about you. He knows you are his responsibility, that you are a traitor - not only to him, but to Hydra. It is his duty to ensure you are dealt with; you won't be coming back from this. Pierce wants it to hurt, not necessarily physically but emotionally because he knows the love you have for James Barnes. Pierce has never loved anyone or anything but power, but he knows how to manipulate it in others. He wants you to know that Barnes has gone forever, to know that the man who is going to kill you is the one you loved for so long.

You can smell the testosterone coming off him, like electricity before a storm.

"What is it? What's wrong?" you ask, your voice trembling. There is such hatred in his eyes.

You can see the adrenaline running through his body. He has so much pent up energy and his mission isn't until the next day: he needs to expel some of it, you see the clenching of his fist and you know you are in trouble.

In a moment of utter panic you try the door. It is firmly locked. You beat on it and scream for help but it will do you no good. The guards have been ordered to ignore you.

He takes hold of your arm and swings you around, slapping you hard and sending you stumbling backwards.

"Did you think we wouldn't find out?" he snarls, his eyes deep pools of black hatred.

"What? Find out? I don't under..." It's as far as you get; he holds your arm and with his other hand slaps you hard again, splitting your lip. Your hand flies to your face.

"You met with SHIELD! You betrayed me! You were going to hand me over to them! __You__!" he growls and hits you again, making your ears ring.

You don't understand. You know that SHIELD is an organisation that Hydra has infiltrated, but you haven't met with anyone and this is what you try to tell him. "Please, I don't understand," you say.

He shakes you hard and shouts at you so loud that it hurts your ear drums. "Don't lie to me!" You start to cry; he is red in the face, his hand on your arm is crushing your bone, cords stand out on his neck, his teeth are bared. You barely recognise him.

"I'm not! Please, please, you know I wouldn't do anything to harm you! Please believe me! I love you!" And he hits you again to shut you up. This time the blow is so hard it knocks you to the floor. Your head hits the corner of the table on the way down stunning you. Blood begins to trickle down your forehead from a wound on your scalp; you crawl to the end of the bed so you can get up and you hear him walk behind you.

He reaches down and pulls you up using the back of your dress, which rips as he throws you face down on the bed. Your dress is partly bunched up in his fist. His other hand pulls your hair to bend your head backwards.

"You're a whore. You don't know how to love. You would sell anything to the highest bidder...you're nothing but scum," he shakes you hard again.

"No...no...!" You can hardly speak because you are trying to catch your breath; fear is making your heart beat faster. You try to get out of his grasp but he is too strong. He pulls you backwards and off the bed, his hand still clutching your hair, forcing you to balance on your toes to try and relieve the pressure. His eyes roam your body, a sneer on his face.

"How could I ever have fucked you? Tell me, who did you fuck at SHIELD? Or can't you remember their names because there were so many of them?" He obviously doesn't expect a reply. "You utter bitch," his voice is hard, there is only hate in the tone. "You made me believe you were here for me, all this time...played me, they showed me the pictures..." And, without warning, he draws his arm back and punches you hard in your right side, breaking the ribs. He lets go as your body folds and you collapse to the floor at his feet.

You can't breathe. You try to cry out but it is no good and you start to see stars in your vision. The pain in your side is brutal and you curl in on yourself but he hasn't finished with you yet. He reaches down and his metal hand grabs your shoulder now and clamps down hard, his hand tightening, and you feel the bone of your shoulder collapsing as he crushes it and you nearly pass out.

"I'm going to tear you apart piece by piece," he says, pulling you up. You try to beg but you can't get any words out and deep down you know he wouldn't listen. He is theirs, he is Hydra's. Your usefulness has come to an end and you knew it the minute Pierce ordered for you to be restricted to quarters.

Then he releases your shoulder, which is black with bruising and the bone is grating where it has fractured. You stumble back, one of your hands brushing the wall and you fall backwards but somehow manage to keep on your feet. You turn and run, although it is little more than a hobble; the only place to go is the bathroom and as you cross the doorway you know he is following.

The room is not nearly as big as your other one at the compound. There is nowhere to go and you turn and put your hands out, your body screaming with pain. "Please, no..."

His face is grim, his eyes mere black holes. He lashes out, sending you backwards and straight through the glass shower door. The door shatters and glass pierces the back of your body as you go down. The breath is pushed from your body as you fall and you do not have the energy to get back up.

He crouches down in front of you, and you do not have time to feel the glass biting before he reaches out and again taking you by the hair he pulls your head back and his hand comes to your throat. His fingers draw across it and then start to tighten and you find it difficult to breathe.

He begins to crush your larynx.

"So easy just to kill you. To watch the life drain out of your lying, cheating body." He watches your eyes; you want him to keep pressing so he will end your life here but he stops and then bends his head down to the side of your neck and bites hard into the flesh there. The heaviness of his body pushes you further down onto the glass.

You cry out and when he straightens your blood is on his mouth, on his teeth. He is still holding you around the neck. He bends to kiss you, but it is not a lover's kiss. His teeth cut into your broken lip and his tongue invades your mouth, pushing and making you gag until you can't breathe. His hand closes harder around your throat, his mouth on yours.

As things start to go dark he straightens up, lets you go, lets you gasp for air.

"Oh no. It's not going to be that easy for you."

You are no longer crying. You physically can't. You try to take a deep breath as you attempt to say something.

"What?" he demands.

"I haven't done anything," your voice is so quiet, so ragged. It hurts to talk. To breathe.

He crouches next to you, just inches from your face and he is still angry, so very angry.

"They told me how you've been working for SHIELD all this time," he spits in your face and your eyes widen.

" I don't know what..." But he won't let you finish. He shakes you until you feel your teeth rattle.

"Getting me to think I knew __him__. Praying on my mind all the time planting ideas, planting thoughts..." You can see the words he is speaking are making him furious, but they make no sense to you.

His breath is coming short and fast and he pulls you up by your hair and throws you up and into the back wall of the shower. When you fall again it is hard and you feel the bone in your arm crack. You cry out and see that part of the bone is now jutting through your skin and you feel nauseous but you can't actually feel it yet, other parts of your body are keeping it at bay whilst they clamour in your mind getting you to register the other pain you are in.

He leans forward and backhands you, then, giving you no time to recover he reaches down and picks you up bringing your arms up and over your head until you are on tip toes. Both arms are damaged now, one broken, the other crushed. Finally, you pass out.

Darkness.

You are harshly jerked back to reality when he slaps you and throws water in your face, and the pain is immense. Your dress has been cut off and lies in rags at your feet. Your arms are up above your head and tied to the shower rail. You can barely reach the floor. He waits until he can see you are conscious and then he gets his knife and draws it down your body, not quite hard enough to pierce the skin despite the sharpness of the blade. Then he allows the blade to run under your bra straps and he cuts, pulling the material away.

He wipes the back of his hand over his mouth and looks at your body, and you see the utter hate there but there is a hungry craving in his eyes, nothing you can say will reach him. He runs his hand up your left arm to the star he carved on there so long ago. He then pushes the blade in and runs the sharp point of the knife around the five points of the star until they are bleeding, then he carves the star out again. His fingers curl around the flap of skin and he pulls hard stripping the already damaged skin away and throwing it to the floor. Your upper arm feels as if it has been burnt, feels as if it is naked to the air.

"You belonged to me. You were __mine!__ You were all I ever had!" His voice is dangerously soft.

He lets go and turns to put the knife on the edge of the sink and then he comes forward again and his hand comes up to your throat, pushing backwards and he leans in and bites you again hard. You groan and when he pulls away he is grinning. "Such a whore...did they enjoy you? It looked like they did." Then he touches your breast and runs his thumb over the nipple. "Ready no matter what..." he says as it hardens. He twists the skin and pain shoots through your chest. You feel no arousal, nothing but the pain. One of your eyes is beginning to swell, the white now bloodshot and watering. He has hurt you before, nearly killed you, but this time you know it is the end. This time he __will__ kill you.

"Please don't..." you try to speak, but even you can't recognise the words.

He leans forward, one hand on your breast, and bites into the other one and sucks hard. You feel his tongue swirl across the nipple and then his teeth pull and you think he is going to bite it off but he doesn't. He leaves angry crescent marks and blood dribbling down your body instead.

Then he steps back and reaches forward and so softly, so delicately runs his fingers over your skin. It makes you tremble. It takes your breath away.

"How much did they pay you to betray me? Huh? Was it the money? Was it power? I hope it was worth it." His voice is low, guttural.

"I didn't betray you. I wouldn't..." But you are barely conscious, and don't finish the sentence.

He stands, looking at you, and you don't know what he is thinking and you don't know what he is going to do. He picks up the knife and, grabbing your hair, exposes your throat to the blade.

Then he laughs. "You really believe I'll make it that easy for you?" He digs the blade into the side of your neck and you feel the warm blood trickle down and he draws the blade down splitting your skin, making it sting, and then around to your side and you know what he is going to do. He has done it before, and you shake your head and try to beg as the knife is pushed in between your ribs.

He holds the knife still and kisses your mouth, his tongue invading you, choking you. Then he turns the blade sharply, separating two of your ribs and you scream into his mouth.

He closes his eyes for a moment and breathes deeply. He wants this to last, he is going to hurt you and then kill you. You meant so much to him and you lied, you sold him out. He will never forgive you.

You try to beg, try to turn your body away from him, but his mouth is still covering yours and as he kisses you he pushes his body hard up against yours. His knee forces your legs open wider, one hand clutches you around your waist. The other unzips his trousers and he frees himself.

Then he lays claim to you for the last time. And he is brutal, like a maddened animal.

"You were mine," he snarls as he finishes. His mouth moves from yours and he whispers in your ear: "You betrayed me. Traitor."

 _ _They showed him proof, they showed him photographs of her with those men, compromising photographs, all photoshopped...but he doesn't know that. They held the real ones back of her with Rogers at the Smithsonian, they were worried it might trigger a memory and they didn't want him to recognise Rogers again.__

 _ _They made sure he saw every photograph, every detail.__

 _ _Her depth of betrayal is outstanding.__

 _ _She is a traitor, she is nothing to him. She will die...slowly and painfully.__

You can see the sweat running down his body soaking his tee shirt along with your blood. You can almost smell the adrenaline. Your shoulders are so painful you are close to passing out again. The glass in your back and your legs stings and you can feel the pieces that have been pushed into your body. The pain is immense but you cannot scream - you have nothing left to vocalise.

You are aware of him watching you, just standing there, and you try to look up at him. His face is blank, his eyes are blank. His knife is back in his hand, he steps in close. He places the blade on your breastbone, the point digging into the skin leaving a scratch mark and as he pulls it down between your breasts a bead of blood follows. The knife slowly moves downwards to just under your navel, the blade stinging. Then you feel pressure and you feel the knife blade enter your gut. He knows exactly where to strike: he doesn't want you dying straight away, he wants it to hurt as much as possible.

"I believed in you," he whispers turning the blade, sinking it in deeper and then pulling it out.

Darkness once more.

 _ _She is unconscious by the time he speaks again. She does not hear his words.__

" _ _I loved you," and there is such pain in his voice.__

 _ _He leans forward and reaches up with the bloodied knife, cutting the binding holding her hands. She falls hard to the ground. Then he moves past her and to the sink and cleans himself up whilst she lies still, her blood pooling around her.__

You are aware of nothing but pain. You try to open your eyes and although the light is not bright it still hurts your eyes. Makes you blink. Time seems to have gone by. You are alone.

You are lying on your side, facing the shower, and you are freezing cold. The tiled floor under you is leaching all of your heat and there is blood pooled around you. There isn't a part of your body that doesn't hurt. You try to move but the pain just makes you cry out. You curl in on yourself, trembling, but even that small movement causes pain to burn its way through you sending spasms through your body. Your hands cover the wound in your belly. You expected more blood but you know that the bleeding is internal, draining out of you, killing you slowly.

You close your eyes.

You hear footsteps, the crunching of broken glass. Someone walks around you and you try to open your eyes again. Booted feet stand next to you and then the Winter Soldier crouches down on one knee, making sure he doesn't get contaminated by your blood.

He is dressed in his combat outfit. The one you left out. The one you hid the key in.

You try to reach out to him but neither of your arms will move.

"Help me, please..." your voice is barely a whisper.

Nothing happens for a moment but then he reaches forward and takes a handful of your hair and pulls you up. You cry out with the pain that shoots through different parts of your body and he is looking at you, distaste and hatred showing on his face.

You raise your hand. Your fingers are broken. You can't even remember that damage being done.

"Please," you beg.

You don't think he is going to answer, but then he does. "Please what? Just what do you think I am going to do for you? You deserve nothing. You're filth, nothing more."

"I love you. I always have. Please believe me..." You are not going to beg for your life. It is too late for that you can feel it. Your body is closing down. You just want him to know, want him to realise you would never betray him.

You have only ever loved him.

You have one more thing you __must__ tell him and this gives you the smallest bit of strength to actually reach out and try to clutch his arm, your fingers misshapen and black with bruising. It is so important and if you don't tell him then nothing you have done to try and protect him will matter. Your whole body has begun to tremble with the cold.

You say something but he can't hear because your voice is so quiet. Yet you have his attention: he leans closer so you repeat the words.

"The Smithsonian Station lockers."

He frowns. He hears what you say but it makes no sense and he assumes you are confused. After all, you are dying and it is in probability just another lie from your whore mouth.

Instead he lets go of you and you sink back down to the ground and the coldness of the floor. Your ears are buzzing loudly and everything seems to have slowed.

He turns to the two guards standing at the doorway of the bathroom.

"Take this mess away and burn it!" he snaps, stepping over you.

It is the last thing you hear him say.

 **...**

" _ _Take this mess away and burn it!"__

The Winter Soldier looks at both guards and they swallow. It is the first time he has ever spoken to either of them, it is the nearest they have ever been to him. His voice is cold and there is disgust in his eyes and he walks past them, grabs his bag and leaves.

They are left looking at the unconscious woman lying on the bathroom floor. There is so much blood.

"Jesus, I don't want to even touch her. Why do we get the shit jobs?" Jerrell Thompson, red blooded American - always complaining – although that is an insult to good Americans everywhere. Which is something Jerrell is most definitely not.

And there's the funny thing about Jerrell; his mother chose the name because it means __good guy, popular to be with__ and that is what she wanted her son to be. Unfortunately, he couldn't be more of the opposite if he tried. Lazy, always complaining, always on the look out for anything to make his life easy, anything he can __borrow__. He joined Hydra because he is a bully and a grunt and Hydra makes him feel important.

The other guard looks at him. Armand Joncker. Originally his family were Dutch, but for some reason he can never fathom, people always think he is German.

All that is running through Armand's mind is: __How the hell am I going to do this? How the fucking hell?__

By now Jerrell is walking around the woman, gawking at her naked body. His previous reluctance to touch her is disappearing, his manhood is telling him any fuck is better than none, and it's been a long time since he was with a real woman. "Jesus, you should see the bite marks on her..." he actually crouches down and puts a hand out to push her on her back so he can see more, see her naked form, the thought of what the Winter Soldier must have done to her making him hard.

Armand wants to shoot Jerrell. He knows exactly what is going through Jerrell's mind, one quick fuck before they dispose of the body. Doesn't matter to him whether she is dead or alive; it so rare Jerrell gets a woman, hell, he would fuck anything.

Armand moves forward. "Hey come on. You said yourself you don't want to get any of her blood on you, it'll be a bugger to wash off your clothes." He feels sick just saying it. This is the Constant they are talking about.

Jerrell looks up, grinning, and Armand points to his leg. Jerrell looks down and sees he is kneeling in blood.

"Shit! Shit! Hey, why didn't you say?" He springs up fast and backwards.

"I just did," Armand says drily. He is trying to think of a plan, trying to work out what he can do.

Both guards are in civvies as they will be driving back to the facility later through the city. All hell is due to break loose soon and they need to be back and changed into full gear before their unit is deployed to down-town Washington later tonight. They will be on riot duty expected once the citizens realise they are no longer in a free world. They will be in Hydra's world, policed by those bloody massive helicarriers.

Whilst Jerrell is wiping his trousers with a towel, Armand suggests a plan.

"If you get caught trying anything we'll be in big trouble and I really don't want that. There is nowhere here to burn her so we'll take her back with us when we leave later. We can use the incinerator at the base. We'll just grab some sheets, wrap her up in them and then put her in the trunk. We have to be back there by eight o'clock and once we're there we can just throw her into the fire, problem sorted."

Jerrell is sulking and a grunt is his only response. He knows Armand is right and it pisses him off to have such a __perfect goddamn German__ partner.

Armand disappears into the other room before Jerrell can change his mind. He comes back in trailing all the bedclothes he could find.

"I don't really want her staining the trunk," Armand says as an excuse and, throwing the sheets down, he goes forward to the shower, broken glass crunching under foot. He removes the shower head and puts the water on. He then goes as far forward as the hose will allow and sprays the water on the woman's body, washing off as much blood as he can so he can try and see what injuries she has without Jerrell realising.

Jesus he can see she is still alive. Still breathing. But she won't be for long.

He switches the water off and realises that Jerrell has skulked off to the other room whilst there is work to be done. Armand pulls at the sheets and lays several out next to her and then goes to gently roll her on to them. But as he slides his hand under her body he feels a sharp point and instead he gently tries to lift her to see what has happened, his own hand is now bleeding. Her back is sliced open and glass shards are protruding.

"Jesus," he whispers, closing his eyes for a second.

He doesn't know first aid, yet alone what to do. He is sure somewhere he read that you must never pull glass out of a wound in case it causes more bleeding. He leans over and pulls out the smallest slivers of the glass but leaves the large pieces alone.

He moves her onto her side on the sheets and tries his best to wrap them around her. She groans but her eyes don't open; although she is unconscious he can hear it is a struggle for her to breathe.

He takes a deep breath, pulls her up into his arms, trying to miss the glass where possible and carries her into the next room where Jerrell is pawing through an open suitcase and stuffing a pair of woman's pants into his pocket.

"Help me get her to the car," Armand says to Jerrell, and they leave the room.

He was expecting her to be heavy but she is surprisingly light and by the time he gets her to the trunk of their car blood is leaking through the white sheets staining them bright red. He can smell the iron scent of the blood and it is making him feel queasy. He just hopes that she can last until he can get her back to the base but he is aware that it is going to be hours before then.

Jerrell opens the trunk and Armand places her inside and quickly shuts it before Jerrell gets any more ideas about her.

They report to their officer who knows what it is they are doing; they have a few things to do and then they will head back to the main base. It will take them a good few hours to get there, especially at this time of day with the traffic so heavy, but Armand offers to drive and Jerrell takes him up on it.

Armand tries to stay at a steady pace, aware of the awful predicament he is in. In the trunk is the Constant and she could be dead now for all he knows. Jerrell will make some play to use her before they place her body in the fire. He has bought himself some time but that is all. He knows Jerrell too well.

Jerrell is complaining about the drive, how hungry he is, how they need gas, how he needs to go to the toilet and so Armand pulls in at a gas station. They are in the middle of nowhere and still have a few miles to go. Whilst Jerrell uses the men's room Armand pays for the gas and picks up some food and water. He sees the TV screen behind the counter is showing nothing but static, the guy behind the till is not happy, he had been watching the ball game. Armand knows pretty soon he won't be happy when he finds out the reason for the static. He takes the food and stows it on the back seat. He has bought three hot dogs and when Jerrell climbs back in he can smell them.

"Hey great," he goes to grab them.

"Wait a minute! I don't want to eat them here, it stinks of gas. Give me two minutes to get somewhere else and we can stop and eat," Armand says and, true to his promise, about two miles later he pulls off the road under some trees. There is nothing else around for miles.

He stops the car and gets out, opening the back door to grab the food. Jerrell follows as Armand wanders away from the car and under the trees for shade. Although it is getting late the sun is low and Armand has a thumping headache. He gives his partner two of the hot dogs, knowing Jerrell's greediness. They stand side by side as they eat.

"Do you ever wonder what it's all about?" Armand asks, brushing off his hands. Jerrell is still stuffing his face, he has no time for Armand's deep debates and just grunts. "I mean, Hydra is supposed to be about a better world but it's not is it? It's just another load of rich people trying to take control of the world, not giving a damn what they are doing to other people. It's all broken promises."

Jerrell isn't sure when the words penetrate his mind as being wrong. "What the fuck you talking about?" he says, turning and shoving the last of the hot dog into his mouth.

Armand has his gun out, aimed at Jerrell. "You know, Jerrell, I wish you knew how much I hated you and your fat pig ignorance." And he fires and Jerrell's mouth hangs open as he sees the red blossoming on the front of his shirt. He drops to his knees as Armand walks towards him. "You see, not everyone agrees with Hydra. With you bully boys having the power, with the harm you are doing...hope you enjoyed your meal. It was your last." And he shoots his partner in the head and watches as Jerrell's body keels over into the dirt.

Quickly he puts his gun away and drags the body behind the trees. It's not perfect but it will have to do for now. Then he runs back to the car and with shaking hands opens the trunk and pulls gently at the sheets. He has her lying on her side towards him.

"Don't be dead," he murmurs quietly to himself but he thinks he is too late. The amount of blood soaking the sheets, the paleness of her skin, the grey of her lips...but one thing has counted in her favour. It is a warm day and the sun beating down on the metal of the car has made the trunk warm, and warmth is what is needed for the small amount of serum in her body to start to work.

Armand is unaware of this however. All he knows is that he has to try and keep her alive until he can get her to the compound. He grabs a bottle of water from the front of the car and opens it then tries to dribble some into her mouth. Jesus, her face is bruised so badly he doesn't think her own mother would recognise her.

He gets no response and isn't medically trained. He tries to find a pulse but doesn't know how to.

"Come on. Don't die, please don't die," he murmurs but there is still no response.

He places a bunched up sheet under her head and makes her as comfortable as he can in case she is still alive. Then he gets out his phone and dials a number.

"I've gotten rid of Jerrell. I had to, couldn't get her past him but I think its too late. I think she's dead," he says to the person on the other end. He listens. "What's that got to do with anything? Huh? Yes, the trunk is warm but she's as pale as a ghost and there's so much blood. I can't find a pulse or anything." He listens again. "What the...how? What the hell happened?" He looks at his watch. "About another twenty minutes...yeah...okay...okay."

He puts the phone away and returns to the trunk. "Well, looks like the shit's hit the fan so God knows what we're heading into," he says, even though he knows she cannot hear him. He closes the trunk and gets back in the car making sure no one can see Jerrell's dead body behind the trees and then he rejoins the road.

He draws up at the Guard Hut and they check his pass. "What's going on?" he asks, as he can see the whole base is busy with trucks being loaded up and people all over the pace.

"Evacuating," the guard shrugs and waves him through.

He pulls the car up outside the Project Winter Soldier building, usually referred to as PWS, and there is someone waiting for him who hurries forward.

"What happened?" Armand asks, looking at all the trucks moving out.

The man looks around to make sure he is not overheard. "I think Hydra have lost the first round. They're all getting out quick," he smiles. They hurry to the trunk. "Word came through to evacuate the camp, they're going to blow parts of it. Everyone is leaving to regroup."

"Jesus, what about her?" Armand opens the trunk and gently lifts the woman out. Her arm falls out of the wrapping and the man sucks his breath in. "God almighty, we'll have to hurry."

As they travel down in the lift the man is trying to find a pulse, anything to indicate she is alive.

They get to the third floor. The people pushing past take no notice of them. He peers into the rooms as they walk by and sees people packing up, moving items but the man leads him further down the corridor and into Cryo Freeze rooms.

"Put her down here." He indicates a trolley and carefully Armand lays the woman down on her side. The other man rushes over to a panel and switches the power on. The room seems to start to glow with an unearthly light from the room next door. Armand goes over to a window which looks into the other room and he shudders when he sees what looks like two metal coffins. These must be the pods he has heard about.

"Help me, Armand," the other man says and Armand hurries back.

"Give this to her. She's still alive, but barely." He passes him a hypo gun which Armand looks a blankly. "Just put it against her arm and press," the man says. He is trying to stem some of the blood flow, looking at the damage.

"Jesus," he says again when he sees the knife wound in her belly and Armand shows him the glass embed in her.

Before they can do any more a man crashes through the doors and stops in his tracks.

"What the hell is going on? I thought you were all evacuated! We're about to blow the place!" he exclaims, looking from the two men to the woman on the table. Then he looks again. "Is that..." is as far as he gets before Armand shoots him in the head.

The man working on the Constant is a Cryo freeze technician by the name of Morgan and belongs to the same movement as Armand. It is a movement that has been operating inside of Hydra for the last seventy years, a small group of people who do not believe in what Hydra is doing. The group was founded by one of the original doctors, Eric Jakobs. Its mission statement is simple: hiding and storing information all these years. Their secondary mission is equally as important: to protect Freya Bowman at any cost, because she alone knows __all__ the secrets of Project Winter Soldier. They need her to live. Not only is she living proof, she is also a witness. They need her to tell the outside world what has been going on deep underground all these years.

She cannot die. She must not die.

Morgan does what he can to dress the wounds. He removes some more of the glass shards but there are two he is unsure about so leaves those in place and gives her a shot of antibiotics; the last thing they need is for her to survive the worst wounds to then die of the savage bites and scratches inflicted. He knows she needs heat for the small amount of serum her body carries to work but there is nowhere safe they can take her, nothing else they can do but this.

He grabs a clean shift and with Armand's help they dress her in it. Blood immediately begins to soak through the white cotton. It is amazing how much blood the human body holds.

Morgan asks Armand to pick her up and carry her through to the other room, the one where the light reminds him of an undersea world. The smell of mould and damp hits him as he goes through the door. Morgan opens one of the metal pods and Armand gently lowers the woman in. He leaves her lying on her side to protect her from driving the glass any deeper into her body. He can hear a noise coming from the pod, a kind of thrumming, and it is vibrating gently.

"Will she live?" he asks Morgan.

Morgan stops for a moment. "I don't know. I really don't know," he answers honestly. "But this is her only chance. If we can keep her in cryo and come back for her when we know what is going on we can give her the medical attention she needs then. This is the only way."

He reaches up and closes the metal lid and it creates a vacuum seal with the bottom part, sealing her in. On a computer control unit on the top Morgan presses a digital panel and Armand jumps as a noise like escaping gas hisses out and cold white fog swirls around the inside. He can see through the glass panel on the top as the fog envelops the woman.

"I'm not even going to attempt to ask you how it works," he says to Morgan, and it makes Morgan smile for the first time.

They hurry back through to the other room and as they pass through the doorway Morgan turns and closes the inside door to the room and it plunges it into darkness. He adjusts some of the locks on the outside and then returns to the control panel and works quietly until he has finished what he needs to do.

"What about when they blow this place?" Armand asks.

Morgan shrugs. "I think the charges only destroy the top levels of the buildings. As we are so deep nothing should happen down here but it's guess work...there's just nothing else we can do." He gathers up a few things and then finally looks back at Armand. "We need to get out of here now..." He looks at the dead man on the floor and Armand, without speaking, picks up the body. They don't want to leave the corpse rotting down here to poison the air.

Morgan looks back into the room and then reaches up and turns the lights off. All that can be seen are a few flashing computer lights on the panel. He lets the door close behind them.

The route back to the lift is eerily quiet. There is no one else around; the whole base is being abandoned. There are papers strewn across the corridor, and someone has dropped a sandwich of all things. They call the lift, getting in and pressing for the first floor, the lift stops and making sure there is no one about Armand takes the dead body to one of the rooms and leaves it there. He rejoins Morgan back at the lift and they go to the top floor.

When they get to the top floor and walk outside the building it is to watch a long line of vehicles moving out. There is no longer anyone manning the gates. They see several people checking wires and explosives around the camp and they know they are out of time. Armand and Morgan will go their separate ways, will wait to see what happens when the dust has settled, to see who has emerged triumphant. And then make their moves when necessary.

They leave the camp in opposite directions, agreeing to hopefully meet in a years time at a certain place. They then leave the place that has been their work place and home for the last few years without a backward glance.

 **...**

Down in the cryo freeze room a distant rumble is heard and dust falls from the ceiling. Another rumble, nearer this time, sounds and more dust falls. A crack appears in the corridor outside.

The lights continue to flash on the panels but then there is a deep rumble overhead and debris falls from the ceiling.

In the room with the metal pods a beam dislodges and hangs from the ceiling. When the next ear splitting rumble happens, cracks appear around the room and the beam falls right through the metal pod underneath, breaking it in half.

Silence descends.


	74. Chapter 74 - Project Insight - Inception

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Seventy-Four:**** ** **Project Insight - Inception Day****

 _ _How did it all go so wrong?__

 _ _How did he fail his mission? It was the words. They were to blame. Not the words that make him destroy - Longing, Rusted, Seventeen, Daybreak, Furnace, Nine, Benign, Homecoming, One, Freight Car – nor the ones that take away his willpower, make him sleep when he needs to escape - Red, White, and Blue, time for you to sleep now Soldier.__

 _ _It had been the other words.__ 'I'm with you until the end of the line.' _ _They are what stopped him.__

 _ _He repeats those words softly to himself as he huddles down, cold and wet. He doesn't know where he is, he doesn't know who he is, and he doesn't know why his head is hurting so badly. He just knows that by repeating those words over and over there is comfort, comfort for him alone.__

 **...**

Felix is waiting for him when the Winter Soldier emerged from the accommodation part of the vault. Two guards in civvies are nearby, everyone is gearing up for later today. Felix feels nervous: this is it, the big day. By the end of the night they will know if it has all been worth it – if Alexander Pierce and Hydra have brought order to a new world. __Their__ world.

He looks at the Soldier and almost recoils. The look in his eyes is one of insanity, anger, coldness. There is blood smeared down his cheek. He ignores Felix and instead tells the two guards to follow him as he walks back down the corridor. Felix knows what has just happened; knows the Soldier was sent to kill his Constant. And now he knows the mission has been completed – he can see it in the Soldier's eyes. He can __feel__ the unhinged madness there.

He feels a pang of conscience. He knows about the lies the programmers told the Soldier but there was one thing they told him that was true: she __had__ met up with Steve Rogers, she was in league with SHIELD – somehow though he just cannot believe it. He had seen the film of the two of them at the Smithsonian, had told Alex they should ask her about it, give her a chance...but, no, Alex was adamant. She was to die and at the hands of her Soldier. But Felix knows how much she had cared about the Winter Soldier: it had to have been something to do with him.

Perhaps she had the idea of a rescue?

His thoughts are interrupted when the Soldier returns on his own.

"Ready?" Felix asks. The Soldier nods and pushes past him. Felix takes a deep breath and follows him out into the early morning sunshine.

 **...**

 _ _Bits and pieces keep coming back to him, and he rubs his eyes.__

 _ _He is sat in a derelict building. He doesn't know where it is. His back is against a wall, he is freezing cold and yet he also has a temperature. His clothes are soaked, his right arm broken, and his head – his head is splitting apart. He is seated on cold concrete and he doesn't know how long he has been there but it is dark. If he looks up he can see the stars in the black sky; black because wherever he is does not have any street lighting.__

 _ _He needs help but he has no-one to ask. He knows he should be heading or have headed to a Hydra safe house but that is the last thing he wants to do and he is fighting the instinct to go there. He can hear noises outside; there is a bank of trees, bushes and the noise sounds like someone moving about and he whimpers, pushes the heel of his hands into his eyes and rubs again. Then he is speaking to himself, repeating his programming, but he does not move.__

 _ _Then a thought out of nowhere.__

" _ _I shouldn't have left him. I made a promise."__

 _ _He had made a promise to Sarah Rogers to look after Steve. Had dragged him to the river bank but had then left him alone and in sopping wet clothes. "He'll catch pneumonia," he murmurs and the thought makes him feels nauseous. And then he is in a bedroom somewhere, looking down at a young boy coughing. He sits on the edge of the bed and takes the boys hand, it is limp, damp, hot.__

" _ _I'm here Stevie...I'm here." And he begins to cry because although he knows he is there for Steve, he doesn't know who Steve is.__

 _ _Delirium has hold of the Winter Soldier and he will be its slave for the next two days. He is delusional, unbalanced, confused. But worse - he is utterly alone and vulnerable.__

 **...**

Felix and Rumlow have their orders. Rumlow is to be posted within the Triskelion with Pierce and the Safety Council. Felix and the remainder of his team are to join a team of STRIKE personnel who will command the Helicarriers.

First they will drop the Winter Soldier off. His main mission is to prevent Rogers from getting anywhere near the core of the Helicarriers, because they know he and his friends will try and they are having trouble locating any of them.

Things go according to plan...at first. The council are met at the airport, collected and brought to headquarters and Pierce makes his play. Felix doesn't know when and how things start to go wrong. Later, everyone seems to blame everyone else but by then it is too late. The Helicarriers have fired upon one another instead of following Zola's algorithm to wipe out the key people who would make life difficult for Hydra. The ships are falling from the sky, in most places the Hydra STRIKE teams have been overpowered.

And Alexander Pierce is dead.

Felix is busy trying to save his own life and that of his team when in the back of his mind he is thinking about the Winter Soldier. Can anything be salvaged from this? __Should__ anything be salvaged? If so, they will need all the help they can get.

Felix, Daniel and Jason have made it to a safe house but they haven't been able to contact anyone. They sit and wait and watch the news, listen to the radio for updates on what is happening, but no one has mentioned their Winter Soldier, no one knows what has happened to him. The internet has gone into meltdown. Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow, has released all of Hydra's files she had found onto the web, and they have gone viral. At present not a lot is known as they are heavily encrypted but there is always someone out there who can get to the bottom of things and it won't be long before the truth begins to trickle out and then becomes a flood.

That evening they finally reach someone at base operation and are told the Washington base and vault are being evacuated. They are to sit tight and await orders.

"When things have quietened down out there we're to track the Soldier, find him, and bring him back into the fold," Felix tells the others. He has been told that SHIELD found Steve Rogers wounded, unconscious but alive - but there was no trace of the Winter Soldier at the scene.

Felix knows deep down the Soldier did not - could not - fulfil his mission. There is every chance now he has gone rogue. They won't just be tracking him, they will be __hunting__ him. And they are going to need help.

 **...**

It is two in the morning and Sam has fallen asleep in the chair at Steve's bedside. Marvin Gaye sings quietly in the background and Natasha rescues the book on Sam's lap before it can fall and wake him. He looks exhausted, which is how she feels. She walks to the other side of Steve's bed and looks at him. He is still unconscious but they are not worried; he will wake in his own time. He has had three bullets taken out of him. His eyes are blackened, especially the right; the cheekbone is broken. There are scratches and cuts covering his body; broken ribs and various bones either fractured or broken, it is not a good point to be at and when he wakes he will find he is in a lot of pain. She wonders how he will be emotionally.

There is a police presence outside his room and in the hallways to protect him from what remains of Hydra – from anyone looking for vengeance. The next few weeks are going to be busy tracking down the remnants, preventing them from re-grouping, but especially finding the Winter Soldier. No one knows where he is.

Footage from CCTV on the Helecarrier was being fed to Fury in their makeshift headquarters and it captured part of the fight between Rogers and the Soldier. It showed Rogers throwing away his shield, but they could not tell though what was being said because of the damage as the carrier went down. The area they were fighting in was being pressured by high winds but the fight had become one sided when Steve threw down his only weapon.

It was easy to see that the Soldier had so nearly won. He had Steve down and was punching him using his metal arm...but then he seemed to stop, left arm raised for the final blow. What was it Steve had said to him? What was it that stopped him? The Soldier's reaction to it had been a sad thing to see; it is as if suddenly he had learnt something horrific. His eyes had widened, his mouth opened in shock. Did he finally remember who Steve was? Had Steve got through to him? Then before anything else could happen the Helicarrier tore itself apart and Steve dropped down into the water, the Soldier was left hanging to a girder, watching Steve's body fall and then – then the Soldier had let go and they could not see either of them any more.

Did he mean to rescue him or finish his mission? They will not know until Steve wakes but Nat already has her suspicions. The film clearly showed that when Steve fell he was unconscious; there was no way that once he hit the water he would have been able to save himself.

Natasha moves Steve's hair away from his eyes, leans over, and gently kisses his forehead. Then she pulls up a chair and getting comfortable she closes her eyes to sleep.

Neither her or Sam are going to be leaving Steve's bedside for a while; not until they are sure he is safe. They will make sure he is not alone. That he is not vulnerable.

 **...**

 _ _In the abandoned building the rats investigate the human sat up against the wall. They can feel the heat rolling off the body and every so often he twitches and his lips move as if talking. Normally they would take a chance, take a bite out of vulnerable areas of skin, but there is something about this man that smells wrong. His blood does not smell...right and so they back off and go foraging elsewhere.__

" _ _You know me!" the blond man is shouting. The Winter Soldier knows now his name is Rogers – Steve Rogers. He was told he is a SHIELD operative but – he also knows there is more to it than that. He feels something inside for this man and he is doing all he can to disregard that feeling because if he lets it, it will destroy him.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier lashes out at him."No, I don't!" he screams, as if trying to dismiss the words themselves, to get them away from him. He doesn't want to hear them__

 _ _Tiredness is catching up with both of them. Fighting this man is difficult, they are evenly matched. Rogers is wounded from the bullets and he has broken the Soldier's right arm trying to get him to drop the computer chip. To make matters worse when the beam had fallen on the Soldier, it broke his ribs. He finds it difficult to breath. It feels as if they have been fighting for so long now.__

" _ _Bucky, you've known me your whole life..." Steve Rogers is not going to give up, is not going to lose Bucky again. The Winter Soldier lashes out at him, hurts him but Steve does not fight back, instead he keeps talking: "Your name is James Buchanan Barnes."__

 _ _The Soldier hits out at him again, sobbing now: "Shut up!" He hits Steve so hard that Steve is pushed backwards, falling to the ground. He has to silence him, he has to stop him from saying any more, his mind is breaking apart. His programming is telling him to destroy this man, his feelings telling him to stop.__ __He feels like his very soul is being torn in half by the conflict in his mind.__

 _ _And Steve knows he is getting to him, he knows deep down given enough time he can get Bucky back. He struggles to stand back up and takes off his mask, throws down his shield. The Soldier looks at him in disbelief.__

" _ _I'm not going to fight you," and Steve makes no effort to protect himself as he is grabbed and thrown to the ground. "You're my friend." He struggles to rise.__

" _ _You're my mission!" screams the Soldier as he runs forward, tackles Steve and brings him to the ground once again. This time he straddles him, punching Steve again and again in the face breaking his cheekbone, splitting his skin. "You're my mission!" but he is sobbing as he screams the words. Then before he can hit Steve again Steve tries to smile.__

" _ _Then finish it." But the Soldier hesitates, fist in the air and Steve utters those words - words the Soldier recognised from deep within - "Because I'm with you till the end of the line."__

 _ _The look of utter horror on the Soldier's face is difficult for Steve to see, difficult but he knows he has got through. The Soldier begins to lower his arm because he is not going to strike the injured man again, not now. Steve knows this and smiles again, his whole face a mass of pain, blood, and bruising.__

 _ _The Soldier stares at Steve as images flash through his mind; images he cannot stop but before he can react to the words part of the top of the carrier falls taking out the bottom floor and the glass gives way and Steve falls. His eyes are closed.__

 _ _The Winter Soldier is left hanging from a girder. He watches as Steve's body falls towards the water and without any conscious thought, the Soldier lets go.__

 _ _As he relives it his body jumps, sweat pouring down his face, the serum working to try and repair the damage done not just to the physical body but to his mind as well.__

 **...**

Steve doesn't awaken until the next day. He can hear music. Looking to his right he sees Sam Wilson. It makes him smile but he wished he hadn't because it hurts all over.

"On your left," he says, his voice husky.

Sam looks up. Grins. Then goes back to reading his book whilst Steve closes his eyes and goes back to sleep.

A few hours later he wakes again to find both Sam and Natasha there. Natasha helps him take a sip of water which makes him feel exhausted. His first words are about the Soldier.

"Do we have him?" Steve asks and Nat shakes her head.

"We have no idea where he is, or even if he is alive Steve." She wants to be honest with him.

"How did I get here?" He sees Nat look at Sam. "I need to know."

Sam nods. "We think...only __think,__ mind you...that he pulled you out of the water. Left you on the bank." He admits. "It was pandemonium around the Triskelion and still is. One of the carriers went into the building, brought it down."

They are all quiet for a moment.

"He's alive," Steve say quietly. "I know he is." Because he cannot bear to think he has lost him twice. Surely fate would not do that to him a second time; it had given him a chance to rescue Bucky and no one would take that away from him this time. No one.

"There was some talk..."

"Sam!"

"He has a right to know." Sam turns back to Steve. "He was seen. From the description we think it was him, hard to miss that damn metal arm and star. He stole a car, smashed the window in, took off but...in all the confusion a stolen car was the least of the police's worries."

"So we have a lead?"

And now Sam looks at Natasha. "The car was found abandoned, it had run out of gas but...there was blood over the seat, a lot of blood. But no one was found. Sorry, Steve."

"But its a place to start," Steve says and Nat nods but he can see she isn't very hopeful. He tries to smile at her and groans instead.

"God that hurts," he grumbles.

"I'm not surprised!" Sam grumbles back."Goddamn maniac very nearly __crushed__ you! Some friend you have there huh?"

And Steve opens his mouth to argue until he sees Sam smiling. "I got to him Sam. I know I did, I saw it in his eyes. He __knew__ me."

And Sam snorts. "Well, don't think I'm going to change my mind that easily. Don't think I'm going to go easy on him when we find him!"

Steve looks at Nat. "Will you help?" he asks.

She is quiet but he can see she is thinking, she can see how much it means to him. She blows air through her bangs.

"Steve..." And she stops. Her eyes search his and then that characteristic smile of hers. "What else am I going to do?" And she gives a small shrug. "But you'll owe me..." she adds and as he grins. "Big time..."

 **...**

Felix has met with a group from the Vault Base who hand over a small metal unit similar to a mobile phone and then go their separate ways. Back at the safe house Felix checks the unit over. There were only ever two of them made. He presses a switch on the side and a screen lights up. It takes a few seconds but then a map of America is visible. At the bottom of the screen is a small keyboard and he taps into it. The screen clears and for a moment he wonders if anything will show up but then it changes to a more detailed map showing an area just outside of Washington and on it is a small red target blinking.

He looks at Daniel and Jason.

"We have him," he says.

 **...**

The Winter Soldier has not moved for two days. His body has twitched, his boots scuffed the floor when he fell to fitting but he himself has not moved - voluntarily. For a while his breathing was rasping as if he couldn't get enough air but now it is silent. Anyone looking at him would believe he is dead. Dried blood has streaked his face and clothes which have dried out but then dampened again with the sweat coming off his body and then finally dried again. The leather is streaked white in places. Even though it has only been two days it looks like he has dropped a stone in weight. His hair is greasy, limp. His face is heavily stubbled.

His head is slumped on his chest, eyes closed, skin and lips grey. The heat still rolls off him as the serum attempts to correct everything that is wrong. His right arm is folded across his lap which is unfortunate because whilst the serum mends the broken bone it is in the wrong position and will cause pain and discomfort for the rest of his life - in the wet it will ache to the point where he cannot sleep. His metal hand rests upwards on the floor. Blood has trickled from both ears, in his hair and down onto the shoulders of his leather jacket. Within four feet you can smell its iron smell, mixed with the smell of damp and body odour. The scratches and cuts are healing slowly, the bruising still shows but has turned yellow and grey.

As his one-time team circle the building they cannot hear anything from inside. The unit is still showing its signal – clear and strong. It is not from the tracker in his arm which shows no information at all and is not working. This is the one from within his body which he does not know about. The unit can show the tracking from both the Winter Soldier's and the Constant's devices but with the latter dead they are only interested in the former and have it set to that.

Felix peers in through an open window space. All that is left of the building is four walls and a lot of plant growth that has covered the brickwork. No glass in the windows and no roof overhead. Felix is worried about what they are going to find; he can tell straight away that the Winter Soldier has not fortified his position in any way and they would have expected him to have done that.

He pulls back. Both Jason and Daniel look to him and he shakes his head and frowns. They have one other person with them, Jack Rollins from Rumlow's personal STRIKE team; he was the only other person they could get in contact with. When they told him they were going after the Soldier he had agreed to help them.

They left a car quarter a mile up the road hidden behind a stand of trees. All of them are armed. Felix still does not speak. The Soldier looked dead, propped against the wall. He signals for Jason and Daniel to go around and come into the room from the other side; he and Rollins will enter the room from this side. All the men will have their guns trained on the Soldier. They do as he says.

All four of them now surround the man sitting against the wall.

It is as though they are looking at a puppet whose strings have been cut. Felix moves forward, holsters his gun and crouches down next to the Soldier. There is no movement but he can feel the heat. He puts his fingers on the Soldier's neck but cannot find a pulse. Rollins comes up on the other side and lifts the Soldier's right hand and does the same.

"Faint, but it's there."

"Jesus, look at him." Felix turns to Jason. "Go back to the car and drive it up here. Fetch some of the bottled water in the trunk … and don't forget the med kit."

"What's the plan?" Rollins asks.

"Camp's blown so really we only have the vault we can use. We're supposed to wipe him and then get him back to the mountain base and into cryo, but now looking at him...I think if we attempted a wipe it would kill him."

"So?"

"So...I'll arrange for a flight, get him out of here. Get him back to base and let them worry about him." Felix leans over and lightly taps the Soldier's face. "Hey, can you hear me?" he says, focused now on seeing if they can get any reaction at all from him.

"Perhaps if we move him?" Rollins suggests, but Felix shakes his head. "Let's wait for Jason, see if we can get some water into him. We just need to get him to wake up."

"I'll go wait for the car," Rollins nods to Felix and Daniel but the men are too focused on the Soldier to take notice as he heads outside.

It doesn't take Jason long to bring the car back and Rollins reappears in the room with the water and the kit. He crouches back down next to the Soldier and Felix and notices the Soldier's eyes are flickering. He hands the bottle to Felix who uncaps it and moves so he can put his hand on the Soldier's back, to try and encourage him to drink.

"Where's Jason?" Daniel asks.

"Said there's a slight problem with the car, nothing serious. He's just checking something out," Rollins says casually.

Daniel's focus returns to the Soldier. He has his gun trained on him - just in case.

Felix has his head up and trickles water between the Soldier's lips. At first there is no reaction and the water drips down his chin but then suddenly his body jumps and his right hand comes up and tries to grasp the bottle from Felix.

"Hey it's okay, take it slowly. It's Felix. Just need you to drink..." He keeps his voice non-threatening and sees the Soldier's eyes try to open but the light is too strong.

Felix doesn't let go of the bottle, holds it to the Soldier's mouth and tips the water in slowly telling him not to drink too fast. The Soldier's hand rests on Felix's. He begins coughing and Felix takes the water away.

"You had us worried there for a moment." He is trying to get a handle on how the Soldier is. Does he know who he is? Is he still programmed enough to obey them? When the Soldier woke, Felix felt the difference in the man's muscles and realised there is no strength in them.

"I'll just go and check on Daniel and see what's happening with the car," Rollins says, walking out of the room. He is gone about five minutes and during that time the Soldier has become a little more focused, drunk more water, and is beginning to pay attention to the two men.

"Do you remember your mission?" Felix asks. The Soldier looks up, sees Daniel and the gun sighted on him. Wariness creeps into his eyes. Felix turns and uses his hand to indicate Daniel is to lower his gun he then turns back to the Soldier. "Focus on me, do you remember your mission?" he repeats and sees the Soldier's thoughts turn inward. Trying to remember. His lips move soundlessly.

He tries to move but where he has been sat in one position for so long his limbs are numb.

"Don't worry about moving yet. We'll get you out of here, get you back to base."

But those words seem to create panic in the the Soldier's eyes and Felix guesses that the programming is breaking down. Daniel lifts the gun back up as the Soldier tries to stand but falls back again. He is trying to push Felix away, trying to steady himself against the wall to help himself move and all the time there is a keening noise coming from him. It is obvious that he has no energy.

"In the med case. Pass me the hypo," Felix says, pushing at the Soldier to make him stay where he is. He is not worried; he can feel there is no strength in the Soldier's body, he can see fear in his eyes, he can barely talk yet alone fight or run.

"No...no...no...no...no..." The keening noise turns into a single repeated word and Daniel fetches the hypo. It will put the Soldier out for a good couple of hours and the Soldier can see what is going to happen. "No, no don't take me back...please don't take me back," his voice is low, quiet, there is no force in it but there is pleading. He is still trying to get up but he cannot get any purchase and his boot slides along the ground. Felix has him held sitting against the wall.

The Soldier tries to grab Felix's jacket, looking into Felix's eyes. His own are full of pain and panic.

"Don't take me back. Please don't take me back..." he repeats the same words over and over again. The pleading sound in the Soldier's voice has stopped Daniel in his tracks. He is holding the hypo out to Felix, Felix is looking at him reaching out for the item but then Daniel's face seems to look surprised and he drops his arm. The hypo drops from his hand and then his whole body falls to the floor and Felix sees Rollins in what was the doorway of the room gun in hand. It has a silencer fitted.

Felix lets go of the Soldier so he can turn and bring up his own gun but he is too late and a bullet takes him in the chest. He staggers, still trying to stand up, and Rollins shoots him again. "What the..." He starts and manages to stand but Rollins has moved forward and pushes him backwards, shooting again as he does. Felix topples to the floor and lies there unmoving, his blood slowly beginning to pool out onto the floor. Rollins sees the tracking unit is lying on the floor and grounds it under the boot of his heel. He doesn't want anyone to be able to ever use it again.

The Soldier is trying to move, looking from Rollins to Felix, as though he cannot understand what is happening and Rollins can see he is in a lot of pain. He tucks his gun in his trousers at the back and holds out both his hands.

"It's okay, it's okay..." He tries to relay to the Soldier that he is no threat.

 _ _Jesus,__ he thinks. __What the fuck do I do now?__ His plans had not progressed past this point. When Felix had contacted him earlier he could not believe that he was being asked to help them in recapturing the Soldier. __They must know about me,__ he had thought and half-expected it to have been a trap: but no, Felix and his team genuinely thought Rollins was Hydra-loyal.

In fact, no one has realised he is not. No one realised he was the one who had helped Maria Hill with Steve Roger's escape, or provided the codes to the Helicarriers. _ _Christ at this rate I ought to play the fucking Lotto!__

And Maria Hill? Everyone has their secrets and his secret is his feelings for that bloody woman. He would do anything for her. Its a shame he thinks, that he doesn't know where she is at this point, that he cannot hand the Soldier over to her.

"Don't take me back." The Soldier's voice interrupts his thoughts. The Soldier has finally managed to stand but is in danger of falling back down, and Rollins steps forward and catches him.

"God, even now you're bloody heavy," he groans as he takes the man's weight. He feels the Soldier adjust his position to try and take his own weight but he cannot quite manage it and Rollins pulls the Soldier's left arm across the back of his own neck and shoulders. He turns them both to walk out of the room.

"Don't..." the Soldier starts to say.

"I'm not taking you back...God only knows where I'm taking you but I promise it won't be back to Hydra. Now just concentrate on helping me get you to the car."

As they make their way back the Soldier recognises the bodies of Daniel and outside Jason and then Rollins leans him up against the SUV whilst he opens the back passenger door. He is beginning to focus more and shakes his head and turns.

"Front," he says, leaning now against the warm metal work. His head hurts so much it is pulsing and he can hear his heartbeat thrumming in his ears.

Rollins sighs and closes the back door and instead helps the Soldier move around the car and then into the front passenger seat. He then gets in the driver's seat. He can see that the simple walk has all but exhausted the Soldier.

"Why are you helping me?" the Soldier's voice makes hardly any noise, he tries to turn his head to look at Rollins and squints at him as the sunlight is still too bright for his eyes. Without thinking Rollins pulls down the sun blind.

He doesn't say anything at first but then reaches over and puts the seat belt on the Soldier and then puts his own on and starts the car. He sits there with the engine idling.

"I'm not really Hydra. Never was I don't think," he says eventually, and looking at the Soldier he tries to smile. "I don't know what I am." And he really doesn't.

For the last seven years he has worked with Rumlow and as time has gone on he has become more and more disillusioned with Hydra. The organisation is not what he thought it was. He had been a mercenary when Rumlow had recruited him and he thought in those days he knew what he wanted. Now though? Now he doesn't know anything any more.

Doubts had been creeping into his mind for a long time. Once, on a mission which seems years ago now, the Winter Soldier had saved his life. He thought he had already repaid that debt and it annoys him that he still believed it was still outstanding. Yet here he is risking his own life. And he knows why. He has a sneaking admiration for Steve Rogers. but Rumlow never guessed Rollins would never have shot him and he is so grateful it never came to that.

This is the apology for that, this has got to be the payback this time. He doesn't owe either of them anything now.

"Listen to me," he turns to look at the Soldier. "I'm not your buddy, I'm not your friend. I'll help you get somewhere safe but then I'm out of here, understand?"

The Winter Soldier looks at the man beside him. "I get it, you're not my buddy." And he turns back, closing his eyes and resting his head against the car seat. His head is still pounding and he feels sick. "But I don't believe it when you say you're not my friend."

Rollins sighs. But before he can drive away the Soldier looks at him again and puts his hand on the steering wheel as if to delay him a moment longer. He truly looks like he has been through hell.

"One more favour," the Soldier says.

"What the fuck? What?!"

"I don't suppose you have any more water and a bottle of painkillers, do you?"


	75. Chapter 75 - It's A Wonderful Life

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

This chapter pays homage to one of the all time great movies entitled 'It's A Wonderful Life,' made in 1946 and starring the awesome Jimmy Stewart. Many shows have paid homage to it Red Dwarf, The Muppets, The Simpsons, The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, The Big Bang Theory, Warehouse 13, Laverne And Shirley, Beavis And Butthead and countless others have borrowed the film's fantasy premise for their holiday specials.

If you have not had chance to see the film I urge you to.

 ** **Chapter Seventy-Five: It's A Wonderful Life****

" _ _Hey Buck – It's A Wonderful Life!"__

He wakes with a start and tries to move, but his whole body aches and he recognises the heat. He is injured. He doesn't know where he is or how he was injured and for a moment he works on calming himself and taking time to access the situation and it comes to him: he was on a mission.

And he had failed. He knows that much.

His head hurts. Not only hurts: it pounds and his ears are buzzing. He tries again to stand but only gets a couple of feet before he has to back up and sit down on the edge of the bed. The room is spinning.

He clutches his head for a few moments thinking that by applying pressure it will make the pain go away. He looks down and sees that the carpet on the floor is a garish orange with a purple pattern but it looks familiar. He looks up and it comes to him. He is in a motel room. The patterned wallpaper is almost as bad as the carpet.

He frowns. He remembers saying that to someone.

And then it all comes flooding back. All at once. He groans and falls back onto the bed.

He has been here for two days. He is alone.

When he first arrived he was with another man. Rollins, it was Rollins who booked them into the room, paying cash for it. Brought in food and drink. Also bought a change of clothing and a few others things he thought the Soldier would need. Soap and antiperspirant was high on the list.

Rollins left him with a knife which was all he could spare and that he had taken from one of the men he left dead at the abandoned garage. He had made sure the Soldier was settled in, reluctantly helped him strip to shower, and that is when the Soldier had discovered the money in his pocket. __She__ always sent him out with it in case he found himself alone. Rollins had not seen it, doesn't know about the other thing he found with the money. And Rollins has left now. It's doubtful they will ever see each other again. He was a man sensible enough to get out whilst he could.

"Thanks. I couldn't have done it without you," the Soldier had said to him. Rollins had hesitated, and then smiled.

"Yeah, you probably could have. Keep your head down." He took the SUV when he left. The Soldier had fallen into bed and slept the rest of the day and night through.

Slowly the Soldier sits up and reaches for the glass of water on the bedside table. His hand is trembling, and not because of the pain of his healing arm. He takes his right hand in his left and massages it then tries again and this time it is not so bad. He takes a gulp of water and then a deep breath.

He needs a plan. He needs to decide what he is going to do. The serum has done a good job of healing him except for his right arm, but he will worry about that another time. He makes another attempt to stand, and this time finds it easier and he heads for the bathroom with the intention of taking a shower. He then dresses in jeans, a black tee shirt and blue lumberjack shirt and trainers. And gloves. He must never forget the gloves.

He has remembered what it is he is going to do today. Leave here and visit the Smithsonian Railway Station.

The key. The one he found wrapped within the money his Constant put in his trouser pockets. As he thinks of that his mind shies away from her - from even her name. He doesn't want to think of her, can't think of her, of what he did, otherwise he will fall apart. He cannot afford to fall apart.

He cleans off everything he thinks he may have touched in the room but he knows it is not foolproof: if someone wants to find him they will do. With his mind in its current state he is vulnerable - his thoughts are over the place and he is finding it difficult to plan, but it's a start.

 **...**

It takes him far too long to travel the distance needed. He knew roughly where he was headed but there was no way he could keep up the pace he set himself. By the time he reaches his destination he is in trouble, both mentally and physically. He needs to stop, to rest. It is late afternoon. He spots a hotel: seedy, rundown and in a back street. Perfect. He pays for one night in cash and then falls down on the dirty bed until the light streaming through the window wakes him. It's already the next day.

 **...**

He wakes with a start and goes cold when he realises how vulnerable he has been all night. His only precaution he sees is a chair he wedged under the door and his knife under the pillow. At least he remembered to do that. But he cannot continue like this, but then another thought plays on his mind, seems to always be there in the background until he is forced to acknowledge it – does he really want to survive?

He is getting low on cash and he needs a plan but his mind just cannot keep up with his thoughts. Memories are starting to push their way through and his head feels as if it is splitting in two. The paranoia is beginning to creep in along with them. He leaves the hotel certain that everyone is watching him. He spots a drug store, and buys Advil and a bottle of water. Once outside he takes a handful of them not worried about side effects, the serum will take care of those.

He then stops at a greasy spoon that sells everything from coffee and food over the counter, to drugs and guns under the counter. He orders food which he consumes so quickly that he's done as the waitress comes up to give him a refill of coffee.

"Ex-con, huh?" It's not a question. She seems a decent sort but she has had a hard life and it shows in the lines around her mouth.

"How can you tell?" The Advil is beginning to work but his head is far from clear.

"Who else would eat in here?" She croaks out a laugh and walks away again.

The room tilts. The food he has just eaten makes itself known and he has to make a run for the rest rooms where it all comes back up again. He is in there for a good amount of time and when he has finished bringing everything up he splashes his face with water and returns to the table. No one noticed, no one asks him if he is okay.

He is close to asking the waitress if she knows of anyone with a room to rent but when he looks at her he realises that she seems to be studying him. Has she called the police? Does she know who he is? He looks around without seeming to and he is sure everyone is staring, everyone ready to hand him in, everyone knows what he has done. He has to get out of there.

He has to make it to the station, has to see if he is right about what the key is for. Somehow he knows it is his only chance.

It's past two in the afternoon when he finally gets there. He can see the banks of lockers but doesn't know if it is a trap. What if Hydra know about the key? What if she did it to...no. She wouldn't. Not Freya.

"She said she loved me," he murmurs to himself without realising, and a young girl walking by makes a wider berth than she would normally have. And that sick feeling Freya's name now brings threatens to make him weep. He catches sight of himself in a mirrored surface and cannot blame the young girl from keeping her distance, he looks like a crazy drifter, muttering to himself. At least it will keep people away.

The station contains a food court from where he can sit and watch the lockers. He stops at a news-stand and pretends to read the back of a book. If there is anyone watching the lockers he cannot see them, but then at the moment he knows he cannot trust himself or his instincts. As he walks his eyesight blurs, he has to rub his eyes. The light is bright and he ignores the posters and the paraphernalia advertising what he can visit around the city. If he had taken notice, one thing would have stopped him in his tracks: a large poster with the legend __Welcome Back Cap!__ and showing details of the new exhibition at the Smithsonian. This lack of spotting these details showcases just how much the Winter Soldier's mind is suffering, how his mind is compromised, how it is just about coping enough to be able to walk and do this one thing.

He uses the facilities as an attempt to tidy himself up, then pulls down his baseball cap over his eyes. He then orders a drink and a sandwich and takes a seat. He is hungry but ensures that he eats slower this time. He pretends to read one of the free newspapers, sitting there for two hours, but he does not spot anyone who may be watching for him. He has spotted nothing out of the ordinary and he laughs bitterly to himself - how would he know what ordinary is? By this time his head is beginning to pound again. He buys a bottle of water, drinking it straight down, and then knows he just does not have any more time to waste. He has to take the chance.

He goes over to the lockers, still studying the area around. The key is attached to a fob and says "No11". He looks at locker eleven and slots the key in. It fits. He turns it to open, then tenses in case anyone shouts or makes a move on him. He looks around once more and then opens the door. Inside is a backpack. He takes it out and finds it is heavier than it looks. He looks around again and then closing the door and locking it he walks away. He is sweating heavily, convinced any minute now there will be someone shouting, police in riot gear or a STRIKE force...but there is nothing. As he gets outside he breathes in deeply, his heart racing.

He walks out of the station, checking everything and everywhere. He throws the key into a bin making sure it cannot be seen. His ears are beginning to hum, the light is far too bright for his eyes and he is sweating so heavily that he can feel it run down his back. About ten minutes of hard walking brings him to a small open area - Garfield Park - and he enters it and finds a bench he can sit on before he falls down. There is a cool breeze coming through the trees for which he is grateful for. He listens to the children screaming and playing around the play park and for a moment he allows himself to close his eyes.

His hand clutches the backpack next to him. He doesn't let go of it for a second.

When he had first found the key he did not know why it was there. He didn't want to think about her, didn't want to think what he had done...but in a moment of clarity he had remembered her last words to him: __Smithsonian Station.__ He had known the key was to do with that. Had she seen this day coming?

Now he pulls the backpack close to him, undoing the zip at the top and looking around once more he then looks in. The first thing he sees is money, the second, a gun. Then a small map of Washington. A letter. A few other bits and pieces. The weight is caused by two bottles of water and he can't help but smile before he realises he is doing so, she always nags him about drinking enough water. But then before he can investigate anymore he finds himself crying in throaty, deep sobs and he can't stop. A couple walk by and pretend they do not see him; crying in public is simply not the done thing. He tries to pull himself together, talking himself down. He cannot empty the bag here.

He leaves the park with the backpack thrown over his shoulder. He needs a place to stay and it needs to be out of the way, and he realises that the motel Rollins took them to was perfect. It is a long haul back and he arrives there just as the sun is going down and uses the last of his cash to book the room for a week. He has to sign his name and for a moment he stares at the man behind the counter. Then he clears his throat.

"Hunter, Mark Hunter." He has no idea where the name comes from but it is there in his mind. The man looks at him for a second too long and then turns the register around for him to sign.

"From out of town, I'm guessing..." he says drily and the Soldier nods. "Car registration?"

"I don't have one." The Soldier starts to sweat, trying to think, are these questions that would normally be asked?

But the man really is not interested: he gets all types staying and as long as they pay their money and don't make any waves he won't either.

He asks for the same room and it is available. It gives a clear view of the front of the motel and the road leading into it. Around the back of the motel is an empty lot that no one can come onto without being seen, there is no cover and the back window looks out across the expanse. It's perfect.

 **...**

He repeats the previous night, does the same thing as he did in the hotel: shuts the door behind him, locks it, puts a chair under the handle. Pulls both sets of curtains closed.

He leaves the backpack on the bed. Sits in the chair and stares at it. Then he gets up, opens it and empties it out onto the bed. Money, the water, the letter, the gun, the map, a small notebook with an elastic band around it and a note attached, other bits and pieces including two packets of beef jerky, painkillers, a torch, gloves and, of all things, __underwear__ fall out. "She packed me __underwear,__ " he says under his breath and then gives a laugh. Short, sharp. He closes his eyes.

"I can't do this," he mutters. In his mind he can see her packing the bag, moving around their rooms at the base and talking under her breath so she doesn't miss anything. He knows exactly what would have been going through her thoughts. She was there to keep him safe. And he had been there to make her life a misery and finally thank her by killing her in the cruellest way possible. He is remembering enough now to know Hydra had fooled him about her. She was the only thing he had and she is gone. He is alone.

Opening his eyes again, he looks back at the things on the bed. He doesn't want to open the letter, not yet - he moves both it and the notebook to one side so he cannot see them. He checks the money. There is enough there to last him a while, to cover for him until he can figure out what to do. He picks up and opens one of the bottles of water and takes a drink and then, fiddling in his pocket, takes out the Advil and washes some more down. She has given him several packets of the ultra-strong pain killers they give him normally and he will keep those for the times when the pain is unforgiving.

He hears a car enter the lot and immediately stops and listens then goes over and peeks out of the curtain. It is obvious that there is no worry, a lady and a gentleman. Well. Not so much a lady or a gent - they are a walking business transaction. He lets out a sigh, dry washes his face. His arm is aching, he smells, needs to be clean and so to waste time more than anything he decides to shower. He leaves the things out on the bed and pads to the bathroom. The water feels good on his body, washing the dirt and sweat away - if only it were that simple to wash everything away.

Back in the main room he looks around and then his gaze falls on the TV, which has a coin slot. He now realises this is what the change machine next to the Registration Desk in the main lobby is for - anything electrical needs cash.

The room has a small kitchenette and he knows he must think about eating, but he does not have any food with him. He decides to worry about that later. Meanwhile, he uses some loose coins to pay for the TV and leaves it on for background noise because he needs to hear other human voices even if it just the murmur of them.

He makes a shopping list of things he needs: a change of clothes, food, toiletries...and suddenly it overwhelms him, these small inconsequential things that make him human. He has not had to worry about them for so long - he hasn't been __human__ for over seventy years. It would be so much easier if he could go back into cryo and never be woken again.

Tiredness overwhelms him; his body is trying to tell him to rest but his mind won't stop working. Instead he clears the bed, puts the light out, and lies there watching the TV. For a moment he flicks through the channels until suddenly he sees a name and a face he recognises: Jimmy Stewart. They are introducing a season of his films from the 1940's. The one they are about to screen is entitled __It's A Wonderful Life,__ but although he recognises the actor he does not recognise the title. There is another short introduction from a film critic who gives a brief history of the making of the film, tells him the film was made in 1946. He smiles wryly. No wonder he doesn't recognise it.

It is black and white and for nearly two hours he loses himself in a world he once recognised, a world he used to live in. At the end of it he finds that he is crying. He doesn't believe in angels, how could anything like that survive in a world like this? In a world where someone like him is allowed to exist? Where he is alive and so many honourable people are dead.

Then he hears something on the TV that makes him look back at the screen. A voice, one he recognises, one he knows so well but hasn't heard in so long.

Steve Rogers. Steve Rogers is on his screen.

The interview is an old one but it holds his attention. The commentator is updating everyone on Rogers' condition: he is still in hospital but expected to be released in the next few days. It then shows a well dressed man going into the hospital and at the bottom of the screen is a name he recognises but he doesn't know why: to his knowledge he has never seen the man on the screen before. __Stark__ why does that ring alarm bells. The announcer is saying that Tony Stark is there to visit his friend and fellow Avenger, Steve Rogers.

 _ _Steve Rogers.__

So much of his mind relates to that one man. He needs to know why this man is so important to him. What do the scraps of information and memories mean that keep feeding into his brain? As he tries to concentrate so his headache worsens and this time it is blinder. Not so long ago he took some Advil but without considering that he sits up and reaches for the tablets Freya had left him and takes some.

The physical pain is bad but the mental pain is worse. He cannot stop thinking, cannot stop the sickening images that come to mind, the sounds that go with them which are so loud he puts his hands over this ears but the noises are still there. To anyone else the room would be deadly quiet with the exception of the heart wrenching sobs he is making. His heart has started to pound, panic and paranoia are feeding into his thoughts.

"Please stop! Please stop!"

He stumbles up off the bed, turning as if trying to get away from what ever it is tormenting him. He falls against the wall and it stops him from falling to the floor instead he slides down it and on to his haunches. He curls into a ball with his hands still pressed over his ears, still trying to keep the sounds and images away but he can't stop them. Blood trickles from his nose and stains his tee shirt. "Please stop." His voice so quiet it doesn't even make a noise.

He sees the images of guards in Russian uniforms, lining up ready to use him; he can smell the foetid mattress where they had held him down and raped him. He can hear the sound of the wipe machine as it powers up ready to scour his mind, the smell of his flesh burning. Then his left arm starts to burn with its own memories - he can feel them stripping the flesh from it, sawing the bone off as he tries to scream. Another image – more pain and the images begin to merge into one.

He cannot live with this. He cannot do it. He looks up, tries to get up and sees the gun on the chair where he put it. If he can reach that he can put an end to this - but then he knows no more. Pain shoots sharply through his temple making him cry out and he drops back to his knees clutching his head and groaning, spatters of blood hit the carpet. As the television switches to the latest in home entertainment advertising he blacks out and falls to the filthy carpet and the Winter Soldier begins fitting. The voice of the announcer covers his groans.

 **...**

 _ _The next forty-eight hours go by in a blur he can hardly remember, just images of things he has done to try and survive, small conversations with people, hurrying to hide back in his room, the fits and always the pain not just in his head but all over. His chest constricting as if he was going to die. The hope that he will not wake again.__

He wakes to the noise of static on the TV. The pain has receded to a point he can cope with. There is only a small lamp on but he finds that too bright and goes to stand so he can switch it off. As he makes his way to the bedside table he sees a bottle of bourbon on it and sitting next to it the gun. He knows it is loaded.

His face feels wet and sticky. He wipes it on his arm and comes away with blood so he turns and stumbles to the bathroom making the mistake of switching the light on. The brightness hurts his eyes, the light flickers and buzzes so he switches it off. By leaving the door open there is enough light from the lamp still to splash his face with water and wipe a towel over it and then lurching slightly he heads back to the other room. Everything is either a little out of focus one moment or too sharp the next.

He was stupid enough to think he would get better. Each time he has one of the fits he comes out of it paler, sicker, with more questions, more things going around in his mind driving him insane. There is no context. One minute he could be remembering someone's name and then next minute he could still be looking at them but not knowing who they are, what they were to him. Yesterday he even began believing he knew someone that turned out to be just a picture off a commercial for toothpaste on the billboard outside of his motel. His brain does not keep the memories and thoughts organised; they could come from anywhere, from any point in his life. And then there is the blind pain that accompanies it which leaves him sweating, vomiting, sobbing, unable to breathe.

"I can't do this any more," he says to himself. He reaches for the bottle of bourbon not remembering where and when he bought it. He cannot get drunk because of the serum but he doesn't know that. He twists the cap off and takes a pull and it makes him cough, burns his throat. He sits down in the easy chair clutching the bottle, looking at the gun. "I can make it stop," he whispers to himself. "One simple bullet to the head." But then a stupid thought comes to mind. Yes he could kill himself here, but what about the cleaning lady? He wouldn't want her to find the mess he would leave behind. He has only met her once but she seemed honest and hard working. Hasn't he hurt enough people? How would she get all of his blood out of the carpet? It seems so important that he takes a few seconds to realise what he is thinking.

The river.

And he frowns. What river? The Potomac. The one just over the way. He can see it clearly in his mind and knows how to get there. He even knows the exact spot he could use and yet if he stopped and really thought about it, he would know he has never been there, cannot know its location. But his mind is still planning. Climb over the side, sit on the ledge, one shot to the head and his body would tumble into the fast flowing water and be washed out to sea. He would never be found. No mess left behind for anyone to clear up.

He stands, seeing stars for a moment. He walks to the night stand, picks up the gun, puts it in his jacket pocket. He looks at his jacket, he can't remember putting it on but he has.

He still has the bottle in his hand and, unsteadily, he leaves his room. The cold air hits him, makes him breathe in sharply.

He has no idea of how long it takes him to get there. On the way he hears a clock in the distance chime two. He sees few cars and no people.

Eventually though he reaches the bridge. His head is clearer with the air. And then the bridge is there in front of him. He walks onto the pathway running down the side of the road on it. The metal is cold when he puts his hand on to climb over, but he manages and then he is sitting on the edge of the ledge. The ledge is wider than he thought; several people could stand on it. He can feel the cold metal through his trouser legs, feel a slight breeze coming up from the water and he shivers.

He stares down at the cold black water rushing by under him.

 _ _I'll have no grave,__ he thinks. "But then...I don't deserve one," he says aloud. "I'll have no one to mourn me anyway," and as he says that a smiling Steve Rogers in Army uniform comes to mind but he doesn't know why.

It makes him cry.

 **...**

"Hey Buck, you remember the time we all went to see that Jimmy Stewart movie together, you know the one, __Its a Wonderful Life__ , right?"

Someone comes and sits next to him. Someone he feels he knows. He turns his head to his left to look at the shade of a man and it doesn't seem at all strange that the man is there, or that of all things he is wearing a bowler hat with his army uniform.

"You got that wrong..." he murmurs.

"Nah, not me. I remember Stevie, there he is...huge Captain Fucking America and he's crying his eyes out like a baby!"

"We'd have all cried our eyes out __if we had__ been there. But we weren't, you're wrong."

"Oh yeah? How so?" Dum Dum Dugan could always be argumentative when he had been drinking, and he has been drinking: Bucky can smell it on his breath and see it in the angle of the hat on his head. He always wondered how it stayed on.

Bucky looks away. "It was made in 46. In 46 I was on some table in a Hydra research camp having my brain put in a blender. Didn't see the film until now. It did make me cry though." And Bucky laughs at how he had watched the film and tears had threatened to overwhelm him. "Besides which I'm hardly Jimmy Stewart – get real..." He turns back to the man "...I'm the fucking __Winter Soldier,__ " he sneers at his own name, and the subsequent laugh holds no humour.

" _ _Looks wise__ you're hardly any Jimmy Stewart but back in our day you had his charm, his innocence, people liked you. But hey, when I'm right, I'm right, right. It's the same principle. You're going to do yourself in, I'm here to stop you, I'm your guardian angel. Well, one of them anyways." Dum Dum peers down at the water. "Just don't expect me to jump in."

"Is that what you are?"

He shrugs. "What do you think I am?"

"A figment of my imagination." Then, quieter: "I don't deserve a fucking guardian angel." He shakes his head. "Anyway, a bit late aren't you? Could have done with you and your wings when I fell off the train."

"Well thats the thing with angels; you never know when they're going to appear."

"Or disappear," murmurs Bucky again, taking another swig from the bottle of bourbon in his hand.

The shade seems to shimmer and becomes someone else. A softer, kinder voice talks to him.

"Hey, Buck. You're being too hard on yourself, man." And it's Gabe Jones sitting with him. Bucky offers the bottle and to his surprise Gabe accepts, takes a drink, and then hands it back.

"I know exactly what I am. I can't remember it all but its coming back to me, I know what I did...what've I done," and Bucky laughs again, takes another pull.

"Did you know what you did for Stevie? Really did for him by being in his life. You gave him purpose, you made him realise that someone loved him. You always said he changed your life but you never considered what you gave back...your friendship, your loyalty...your love. He was devastated when he lost you."

Bucky cannot answer that with anything but a sob and he takes another drink so he doesn't __have__ to answer it with words.

"You saved our lives," Gabe says gently.

"We've all saved one another's butt at some time or other."

"No Buck I'm not talking about our Howling missions. I'm talking about before we even knew you."

Bucky frowns, looks at the man.

"Zola..." Gabe says the name with disdain.

Bucky hitches his shoulders to say he doesn't understand. Gabe looks down as if trying to work out how to say what he wants to say and then he looks at Bucky, at the torn desperate man in front of him.

"Zola would have taken one of us if he hadn't taken you. You saved us."

And Bucky laughs. "Fucking unbelievable. Is this what my mind believes? Is that the trash I've told myself? How honourable of me..." And he lifts the bottle up and shouts: "Bucky Barnes, saviour of the world."

He brings the bottle down, drinks again but this time the liquid makes him choke because he is crying. "Shit," he snuffles, using the sleeve of his jacket to wipe his face, his eyes. He doesn't deserve tears. He is a monster. He needs to die. Bullet to the head, blow his brains to kingdom come, fast flowing river, no body for people to have to bury. No final resting place.

But he doesn't move. Doesn't take the gun out.

"You __had__ an angel," the voice of James Montgomery Falsworth says. His voice isn't chastising, simply just stating a fact.

"And I killed her," Bucky says quietly, seeing his Constant in his mind. He draws a sharp breath. The memory hurts like an open wound. "Tell me, what did she do that was so bad that she deserved me?" he asks.

Falsworth does not speak. Instead his shade shimmers - changes.

"You can't, can you?" Bucky goes back to drinking.

"You loved her," Jacques Denier says, and Bucky turns to look at him. He is looking out over the river. "You loved her. She never had anyone love her before." He turns and smiles at Bucky. "We all need someone to love us."

"I...did love her but she always knew I loved Steve even when I didn't know, even when I couldn't remember...and she stayed, she still stayed...why didn't she leave?" he whispers it to himself.

"You know you never told her you loved her," the shade says, shrugging. Just another simple fact.

"And now it's too late," Bucky grips the bottle so hard it is in danger of breaking.

Jacques' French voice sounds like music and he shrugs his shoulders in that Gaelic way. "Is it?" But before Bucky can say anything more the shade changes again. "And here you are, Bucky Barnes, sitting on a bridge in the fucking cold whining and feeling sorry for yourself. Give me that bottle!" The new shade swipes the bottle and takes a long drink which empties the bottle. He looks at in disgust, and then throws it into the river.

"Hey..." Bucky says as if reaching for it, "that was mine, I hadn't finished it." Instead he has to watch it hit the water fast disappearing under the foam. "Shit."

"Oh you hadn't had you? Sounds like you're finished to me. So what'yr going to do?" Jim Morita asks him. "Sit here bleating, shoot yourself, throw yourself in. You gonna let them win?"

Bucky looks down into the water and suddenly feels so tired. He rubs his face with his hand. He has been sitting here for too long and his limbs are going numb with the cold.

"I guess so," he takes the gun out of his pocket. It's loaded, he knows it is, he loaded it counting the bullets even though he only needs one.

"Well fuck boys that didn't work...whats Plan B?" Dum Dum's voice is loud over the sound of the water rushing by underneath. Bucky looks up to see the whole group of his Howling Commandos and he knows in this moment he recognises them, all of them, and the tears start again.

Dum Dum steps forward, takes his hat off, scratches his head and then puts it back on. He crouches down next to Bucky and looks him in the eyes.

"Look kid, go find Steve. Hell, get married! I've heard you can do that now! This is a whole new world. You need to live, don't let them win. Don't let them destroy more lives, don't let it all happen again. You need to tell the truth, you need to let people know what they did...shit, its easier I know to throw yourself away but __you have to do this__. There is no one else."

He pats Bucky on the shoulder and stands up, rejoins his colleagues and they begin to turn away from Bucky. There is no more that they can do: it is up to him now. Bucky watches as they start to walk away, becoming like mist out over the water, and they begin to fade.

"Don't leave me," Bucky begs them, his voice full of desperation. He leans forward and suddenly has to reach out to brace himself on the side so he doesn't fall in.

Dum Dum is the last one to leave, he smiles as Bucky lets out a large sob. "You can do this. __You__ can do this Buck: for us, for everyone."

Bucky watches as they finally fade and there is nothing left but him. He is alone again. His jaw tensing, he tries to stop the tears, tries to pull himself together. Dum Dum had promised Steve such a long time ago to look after Bucky, and he has always kept his promises.

Bucky is silent and still for a moment and then he slowly puts the gun back in this pocket and stands up, stretching his legs, trying to get feeling back into them. He gets back on the pathway and he walks away from the bridge, heading back to the motel. In the distance he can hear the clock chiming two again; it sounds like bells tinkling. It stops him in his tracks. The air is silent and then the noise comes again, fainter. "Well fuck me...they must have got their wings," he actually laughs to himself.

He begins walking again but something strange happens. He finds a quiet calm starts to overtake him so that he can no longer hear his footfalls. Instead, he hears another noise. If he didn't know better he could swear it was singing. He cannot identify the song at first but as he walks it gets louder and he realises it is an old one. An old one from his time and he remembers it - Jimmy Dorsey's __I'll Never Smile Again__.

He finds himself actually stopping to listen to it. He can hear the words now and he sings gently along with it.

 _ _I'll never smile again, until I smile at you.__

 _ _I'll never laugh again. What good would it do, for tears would fill my eyes...__

 _ _My heart would realise, that our romance is true...__

And for a minute, just a single moment, he closes his eyes and he feels as if someone is holding him and he knows who it is. He feels Steve Roger's arms around him, protecting him.

And when he opens them he isn't outside. He isn't anywhere but his motel room. He is lying on the floor. The music is coming from the television which has an old time show on. He lies there for a moment. His head still hurts but it is manageable; his heart has stopped pounding and his ears no longer hum.

He sits up, still a bit unsteady. He looks around the room. He is alone. The show has ended and instead the TV is now blaring conflicting messages concerning local shops and which its best to shop at. He slowly stands and turns, meaning to switch it off but it is now showing an advert for a programme to be repeated the next day and when he hears the song words he blinks - talk about sending him a reminder as a voice hollers:

 _ _'Watch'er going to do when they come for you, Bad Boys, Bad Boys.'__

He reaches over and switches the TV off.

"I'll tell you __what I'm going to do__...I'm going to make them fucking __pay,__ " he says under his breath.

Bucky will not let them win. He will make them pay. He will hunt them down and destroy them even if it is only one at a time. He may not still remember a lot but he is starting to remember something, and he feels an awakening of someone he hasn't heard from in a long while. Someone that he needs, someone who can cope with all of this. The second personality of the Winter Soldier.

He stretches to get the kinks out of his neck and walks over to where he had put all the items from the backpack and as he does his foot hits something and he looks down to see an empty bottle of bourbon. He knows now he never bought it, he doesn't know where it came from, he doesn't even like the stuff but it was always Dum Dum Dugan's favourite drink. As that thought goes through his mind, he picks it up.

 _ _Who the fuck is Dum Dum Dugan?__ he wonders. He stands the bottle on the night-stand and then he reaches for the letter, sits down in the easy chair and opens it. The first thing he pulls out is a colour leaflet and he breathes in sharply when he recognises the man shown on it: __Welcome Back Cap__ it says in large letters.

Everything always comes back to Steve Rogers.

He puts it to one side and takes out the letter. He recognises the handwriting: it is Freya's. He closes his eyes just for a second. "You can do this, you __will__ do this," he says to himself. Then he opens his eyes, unfolds the letter and begins to read.


	76. Chapter 76 - The WS meets Bucky Barnes

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Seventy-Six:**** ** **The Winter Soldier Meets Bucky Barnes****

 _ _My Dearest James,__

 _ _This is so difficult to write because I don't know what to tell you: what is important, what isn't. When you are reading this I don't know how much you will remember of your past life or of your current one.__

 _ _Your name is James Buchanan Barnes. Your friends and family call you Bucky.__

 _ _How do I know this? Any of this? Because you told me.__

 _ _When we realised what Hydra was going to do to you, you shared some of your memories with me so that one day I could recite them back to you. Something tells me that I won't be able to keep that promise in person and so instead I have written what you told me in the notebook that is with this letter.__

 _ _You were an American P.O.W. and Zola experimented on you trying to find the secret of creating a "Super Soldier". You were rescued by your friends, but then a year later you fell into Hydra's grip again. This time they made sure you could not be rescued.__ __You and I met when you were brought injured into the field hospital where I was working. A few days later, you were taken by Russian Intelligence and that is where Hydra heard about you. I did not see you again for several years.__ __I thought you were either dead or repatriated. I had no idea that you were a prisoner, or that you were going through such awful experimentation. They needed an English-speaking nurse and heard about me and I was brought in to translate, and so we met again. That was 70 years ago. I have covered a little part of this in the notebook you will find in the backpack. On each page of the book is a memory you entrusted to me. They took them away from you. They took so very much away from you.__

 _ _The most important thing for you to know is that Steve Rogers, your friend and lover,__ _ _is__ _ _still alive. You believed him to be dead and he believed you were too. Please believe me when I say if he had known you had survived the fall he would have moved heaven and earth to rescue you, to have you back with him. He loves you and has never gotten over losing you. Hydra told us he had died. That wasn't true. Enclosed you will find a leaflet for a museum called The Smithsonian. Please try and go there, it will tell you a lot of what you need to know. Then afterwards, find Steve. He will help you. He still loves you so very much. Don't be alone when you don't have to be.__

 _ _In the backpack should be things you need. I tried to put myself in your position and I hope I haven't failed. You are free, and you must not let Hydra take you again. You have two tracking devices that they can use to find you. One is in your left arm, about half way down. If you open the arm you will find it buried under the circuitry and you can remove it without it causing any harm to your arm. Look for something emitting a low red light. However, the second tracking device is more of a problem. It was placed within your hip bone and I do not know if it can be removed without surgery.__

 _ _During your time with Hydra you were given two different lots of serum. The first one was faulty and that is why your body is scarred in places: that serum could not repair all of the damage done. The new serum was corrected – repairs all new scars but leaves the old ones. The tracking device was put in before you were given__ that _ _serum. If you look on the left hand side of your hip you will see a small X like white scar. X marks the spot.__

 _ _When you begin to remember, you must then fight to remember - your mind is programmed to produce debilitating migraines if you learn too much about yourself. I hope that one day you will be free of these, but now you know they are why when you try to think of your previous life you are crippled with pain.__

 _ _Oh, James, sitting here now I look back at our time together. I should have helped you more. I should have tried to get you out of there and away from them.__ _ _I should have done something.__ _ _You once even asked me to kill you and I couldn't even do that simple thing. I failed you. I can only ask your forgiveness that I was too weak to do either.__

 _ _Please do remember James, you could not escape them by yourself. It was an impossibility. Each time before they put you to sleep they wiped your mind, they took everything away from you, programmed you to do what they wanted. You could not fight them, they took you apart and no one could put you back together in the small amount of time they gave you. Do not ever think you could have got away, or fought them, you could not, they and their machines were too powerful.__

 _ _And finally, James, please know that I loved you with all of my heart and soul. I also knew that you could not love me back because you belong to Steve. I have always known and understood that. I was just happy to be with you. Don't let Hydra take any more of your life away from you.__

 _ _Find Steve. Reclaim your life with him. I love you and always will.__

 _ _All my love,__

 _ _ **Freya**__

The Winter Soldier sits with the letter in his hand and for a moment he is so very far away. A noise from outside brings him back, a car door slamming and a girl giggling. He looks at the letter, folds it and puts it back in the envelope and picks up the leaflet.

He looks at it, all of it, at the photographs, at the words. He now knows that he has somewhere he needs to go for answers but first he must sleep, it has been a long day and he needs to try and be at his best when he visits The Smithsonian tomorrow. He is concerned about the tracking device. He knows that Rollins has already dealt with the one in his arm, telling him he thought there was a second but that he believed he had destroyed the tracking box itself but the Winter Soldier cannot be too careful.

However when he lies down, he cannot sleep. His mind churns. His nerves feel as if they are frayed, ready to send electrical shots into his body. All he can do is hear every sound, jump at everything convinced they have found him.

In the end he goes through to the bathroom, knife in hand. He undresses and then stands in front of the mirror over the sink. He looks for the scar, the one she mentioned, and he finds it. He runs his finger over it, then, keeping his metal finger in place, he takes his knife with his right hand and digs the point in where the scar is. He ignores the pain as the blade goes in: he knows he has experienced worse in his time. He pushes the tip in as far as it will go before it hits bone and then he angles it and drags it down about four-to-five centimetres. Blood wells up, and as the blade travels it collects more until it is dribbling down his body to his thigh and down his leg. It is beginning to be painful enough now to make him grit his teeth. He watches what he is doing in the mirror.

He takes the blade out then turns it and creates another cut so that he has created a cross. He has to take a deep breath, he puts the knife in the sink and grabs a towel, he hadn't thought this through properly. Still, he cannot stop now.

Taking up the blade again, he goes to use it to angle the cut into flaps of skin so he can see in but there is so much blood the knife has become slippery and in a fit of anger he throws the knife back in the sink and uses his fingers to pull the skin back. He wets part of the towel. He takes a deep breath, keeps dabbing at the wound with the darkening towel, and then moves as close as he can get to the mirror. He is trying to catch sight of the bone and he does: the white of it red with blood and pieces of flesh but then he sees something that shouldn't be there. A small glimpse of metal.

The Soldier is sweating heavily now and feels shaky; such a small wound shouldn't affect him in this way but he doesn't realise just how sick he is. He wipes his brow on the back of his arm and picks up the knife. He then reaches for another towel which he uses to bite down on hard. He begins to try and cut the metal out.

It doesn't work. The blade has trouble staying in place because of the blood and in the end he has to stop. He rests both hands on the sink and takes deep breaths. His hip throbs and he can feel the air making the cuts sting. He looks back at himself in the mirror. He is a mess: needs a shave, his hair is lank, greasy, damp with sweat. He has blood smeared over his forehead and dirt on his cheek.

"For chrissake," he growls. He feels so angry. He cannot do such a simple thing.

He stands up straight, washes the knife and dries it, cleans the wound, and tries again. This time he cuts away one of the patches of skin so he can get to the bone easier.

"Come on, come on for fucks' sake..." But still nothing. The tip of the knife cannot make contact, he should be able to just lever the metal out. He has to stop again, he is beginning to feel faint and the last thing he needs to do is black out.

He puts the knife down, moves so he can try and see inside the flesh better and that is when he realises why he cannot reach the metal. The transmitter is bigger than he thought and the serum has encouraged the bone to grow over it, which means it is firmly embedded. He would need to do something far more than just pick at it with a knife.

"Shit, shit, shit!" He closes his eyes. Did he really think getting away from Hydra would be that easy?

He holds the towel to the wound but it will not stop bleeding. He looks in the bathroom cabinet but it is empty. Then he remembers, the backpack. He is sure one of the things that fell out looked like a small med kit. __It is the type of thing she would include.__

He walks back to the main room, having to hold on to the door frame for a moment to stop the world from spinning. When it has slowed, he makes his way forward and with bloody hands picks through the things until he sees what he is looking for. He grabs it and then heads back into the bathroom. He's grateful that the carpet has such a busy, colourful patterning: it hides the blood dripping from him.

He puts the seat down on the toilet and sits on it but realises he needs to have clean hands, and so putting the kit on the toilet seat he staggers back to the sink and cleans his hands as best he can. Then he gets the kit and opens it, momentarily surprised to find it is far more than a typical first aid kit. __She knew what she was doing.__ One of the things in there is a suture pack and needle. He is beginning to feel the heat coming from his body not just from his exertions but from the serum. It takes him far longer than it should to thread the needle as his right hand is shaking. He can hear her in his mind: _"_ _ _Swab!"__ and he takes one of the packets, tears it open with his teeth and swabs the wound. All it seems to really do is move the blood around as there is so much of it.

It takes him an hour to stitch himself and his sewing abilities wouldn't win him any awards. At the end of the ordeal he is exhausted, on his last legs. He stumbles through to the bedroom falls into bed and is asleep within minutes.

When he awakes in the morning he feels like someone has put him through a meat grinder. His hip throbs and for a minute he cannot understand where all the blood comes from. Then he remembers.

He looks at the clock and it is later than he thinks, __almost midday. Shit.__

 **...**

The first thing The Winter Soldier does is shower and take painkillers. He makes up a crude covering with bandages from the kit and plasters. It isn't brilliant but it will have to do, he should hopefully heal quickly. He doesn't want to wait another day before he goes to The Smithsonian, he hasn't the time. He has to hope that with Hydra in such a disorganised state they haven't got around to trying to track him down yet. He hangs a note on his motel door, telling the cleaning lady not to clean today and praying she will take heed. He will deal with the mess he has left behind when he gets back.

Before he sets out, the Soldier eats and drinks. Just a small amount; he doesn't realise it but he has lost over fourteen pounds in weight and he looks as if he has been seriously ill – he looks as if he __still__ is seriously ill. And in so many ways he is. He hides his hair under his baseball hat. He can't bring himself to shave; his hand is just not steady enough, his arm aches where the bone is not mending properly and his metal hand seems uncoordinated. He cannot trust himself with a blade that close to his face. But the shower has washed away most of the blood and dirt and he does not smell as bad as he once did. He puts on the last set of clean clothes he has.

The day when he steps out is cool with a breeze he is grateful for. He knows the way and walking there he tries to keep observant but he finds he keeps zoning out, memories and thoughts chasing around in his mind. The letter. He doesn't want to think about that, doesn't want to think about... _ _the woman__ who wrote it at all. He can't because if he does he will go insane.

Finally the Winter Soldier reaches his destination and looks towards the building. He feels sick. His heart has started to thud. He almost changes his mind, but he knows he cannot. If he does he will never return, he will never know. The Soldier climbs the steps, takes a deep breath, and enters. It is a week day and the place is fairly quiet, most of the visitors have already gone through and are now in the Gift Shop or restaurant. He buys a ticket and then heads to the exhibition he has come to see.

As he passes under the sign __Welcome Back Cap!,__ the Winter Soldier shivers as if someone has just walked over his grave.

The exhibit begins with an introduction to Steve Rogers, and when he sees the first photographs of Pre-Serum Steve it is like a punch in the stomach. He stares at the photographs, an announcer's voice giving Steve's story in the background. The Soldier feels he knows this boy so well, knows everything about him; the information is there in his mind and so are pictures of memories. The images he has in his mind still have no context but it does give him a sense of coming home that makes him feel like he has fallen through Alice's Looking Glass. He feels that he could reach out and touch Steve and Steve would reach out and touch him back. He has a vague sense of dancing with him, holding the young man and listening to the music. For a moment he closes his eyes but then a group of tourists come in, busy, loud and the sense of memory is shattered. He moves on.

Next the Winter Soldier learns about Project Rebirth, and parts of it seem so familiar but he can see that the project Steve went through was successful whereas the one Zola was trying to catch up on wasn't. The Winter Soldier begins to realise the enormity of what has been done to him. He is getting hot now, the serum is still working on the wound and for a minute he needs to sit down on one of the seats. As he sits there the thoughts going through his mind are jumbled and he tries to sort them out. Tries to come to terms with the way it is making him feel emotionally.

He realises he is wasting time when he sees the tourist group have moved on and he gets up and walks through to the next room which shows the various Captain America costumes and his first shield. Everything seems so familiar to him yet he doesn't always know why; some memories are still not accessible and his head has started to pulse.

He enters a larger room with a set of mannequins dressed in army uniforms. Captain America is at the head of them and to the right is a huge mural showing him leading his men – his Howling Commandos. And it is another punch to his stomach when he sees that name. He stares up at the mannequins and then his attention moves to the one left of Steve. The blue grey jacket, the brown pants, the gun strap and then finally the artist's impression behind. It's __him__. He swallows. The sound in the room warbles and his ears begin to hum. Suddenly he can feel hands pulling at his clothes, he can feel the blue jacket being stripped from his body, his clothes being taken and his naked injured body being pressed up against a tree, someone is tying rope around him, it is so cold - and he needs to sit down again, needs to breathe, needs to dispel the memories. An older woman stops and asks him if he is all right. He looks up at her and his mind is telling him to pull himself together. He cannot afford to make a scene, cannot afford for people to take notice of him.

"Yes. Thank you," his voice is quiet. He coughs and then speaks louder: "Just getting over the flu." He doesn't know where the words are coming from but he remembers how Steve would catch cold and then it would go to his chest.

"Oh, you poor thing." The woman smiles at him and asks if she can get him anything and he shakes his head. __A new life, ma'am?__ runs through his mind. "I'll just sit here for a few minutes," he tries to reassure her. She nods and carries on with her visit leaving him blessedly alone for a few minutes.

The Winter Soldier has to organise his thoughts, he has to somehow take control of his mind otherwise he will be lost.

He takes a deep breath and gets up. Finishes in that room, reading everything he can, but then he isn't expecting the next part of the exhibition.

The one that nearly kills him.

As he walks through the entrance he can see up ahead a huge monolith of some type, almost like a giant grave marker. There are a few people stood in front of it and as they move away he walks up to it and any thought he had of controlling his reactions are forgotten. The board is massive. There is a photograph on the right hand side, the head and shoulders of a young man.

It is him. It is James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes. His name stretches across the top of it and a commentator's voice is saying he is the only Howling Commando to lose his life.

It gives a date of birth and a date of death. The day he was lost to Hydra.

The punch it has given him is the worst of them. He __was__ Bucky Barnes, but now he __is__ the Winter Soldier. All the years they took from him, all the lies they told him. How? How did he believe them? How did he ever agree to join them? He must have at some time been able to leave and he chose to stay?

How?

 _ _How?__ That word goes around and around threatening to unhinge him.

He steps in closer to look into the eyes of the man in the photograph, to look into his __own__ eyes, and as he does a series of photographs start up in a smaller box beside the board. Again a commentator talks about the friendship between the two men and his eyes are drawn to Steve and finally something in him snaps. Finally he feels for Steve, he begins to understand exactly what Steve was to him. What it was Hydra took away from him. Without knowing he makes a keening sound, bites down hard and the pain in his temple throbs. But then, first and foremost he still has his senses as the Winter Soldier and right now the hairs on the back of his neck are tingling.

Someone is watching him.

He turns slowly, as if looking around to see the rest of the exhibit, and spies an old security guard. The man is looking at him but it is the look on his face that makes the Winter Soldier pause. Instead of what he expects – suspicion, distrust - the man is actually looking at him in query and then as if he has invited him over he comes to stand with Bucky. Bucky looks back at the picture whilst his mind feverishly thinks: is the man a danger? Why else would he come over?

"That memorial sure affects people," the old man says, also looking at the young face portrayed. Bucky risks a look at the man's face but there is no hostility there. "I'll tell you a secret," the guard continues, and steps slightly closer. He looks back at the board. "I have seen two people here just recently who cried when they saw it. A young woman and a man. Can you guess who the man was?" and Bucky is drawn in on the conversation even though he doesn't want to be, he wants to be alone.

"Steve Rogers!" the guard says, somehow making a whisper loud, and Bucky frowns. The guard mistakes it for disbelief.

"No really, I even talked to him. He signed his name for me. I'll tell you something else, it isn't the first time he's been here, no __siree__ , comes here every so often, sits over there and looks kinda sad. Remembering, I guess." He shuffles a bit closer, leans in and Bucky can see the man isn't a gossip, just one of life's people who care. "They say they were more than partners, know what I mean? So sad to lose your loved one so young and in such an awful way. Although if you listen to the news and what that lady...Black Widow...released on the interweb, he didn't die...he was taken by __those people__ , you know the ones. Those __Hydra__ people." His voice is full of quiet disgust.

Bucky clears his throat as his cheeks flush. "What does the news say?" his voice is shaky and he coughs again to try and clear it. The guard has his full attention now.

The guard looks at him, studies the face in front of him, looks into Bucky's eyes.

"Different things. One side says he was a Russian sleeper soldier trained by Hydra to become a deadly assassin called the Winter Soldier," and with this, he shivers then continues: "...the other side says he was a POW. Tortured, brainwashed, never had a chance of ever getting away from them, doesn't even know now who he truly is."

And Bucky cannot help but ask: "And you? What do you think, mister...?"

The guard smiles at him. "Oh call me Stan, everyone does. Tell me...you think someone like Captain Rogers would love someone who was capable of murdering innocents? I think the poor son of a bitch is a victim of Hydra just as much as the people he was sent to kill."

"And the woman?" Bucky asks.

Stan frowns.

"You mentioned a woman who visited."

The guard shrugs. "Don't know who she was but I'll tell you something...she had the longest hair I have ever seen. And the saddest eyes. If I didn't know better I would say she loved him too."

He nods to Bucky and touches the cap of his guards hat and then walks away but just before he leaves the room he turns back to Bucky. "And I think the son of a bitch should put his trust in Captain Rogers, if of course he's still out there somewhere and not dead in a lonely grave or worse."

And then he turns and walks away.

Bucky feels as though he has been held under a spell and actually feels he has to shake himself. All the time the guard was with him they were alone but now the noise comes back into the room and people start to walk through.

As he leaves the exhibit he looks for the guard, wanting to ask him if he knows any more, but he cannot see him anywhere. He goes to the front desk and asks the lady behind it but she frowns.

"I don't think we have a guard answering that description, but I'm new here. I haven't been here more than a few days," she says. As she says it an older man in his fifties comes up next to her and before Bucky can stop her she asks the other person.

"Paul? Can you help this gentleman?"

He listens to the question and then smiles mechanically at Bucky. "None of our guards are a day over twenty. I swear they get younger every year," and although Bucky nods he feels the need to clarify things.

"Are you sure? He was an old man, seemed very old, moustache, I think he said his name was Stan?" And the man frowns.

"You must be mistaken. It sounds like you're talking about Stan...Lee, I think his name was. He __was__ a guard here. Lovely man, worked here I think since leaving the army. Loved it, we couldn't ever get him to go home! He was a widower and he liked people, liked to be around them, always helping them out. Funny thing, he would tell people how he was in the 107th and was one of the soldiers rescued by Captain Rogers so when the exhibit came here he was in seventh heaven. Poor man died not so long ago, heart attack but they say when they found him he was smiling – that was Stan!"

He turns to speak to the woman about the day's tickets and Bucky thanks them and leaves.

So much runs through the Soldier's brain. Some questions answered but so many more now. A deep seated anger is beginning to boil in him. He has been used, violated, made to do things that no sane man should have ever done but he still blames himself and always will.

Why didn't he fight them? Why did he let them do to him what they did?

He doesn't realise it yet - it was the Winter Soldier who walked into The Smithsonian, but it is Bucky Barnes who is walking out.

He doesn't realise it but he is beginning to come home.


	77. Chapter 77 - New York, It's Helluva Town

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Seventy-Seven:**** ** **Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers – New York, It's A Helluva Town****

Bucky Barnes leaves The Smithsonian determined that when he returns to his motel room he is going to start to go through the notebook __she__ has left him. But by the time he gets back to his room he is in a bad way again. He cannot understand why his injuries are making him feel so terrible; he knows he should be on the mend by now. His system is overworked and having trouble keeping up with the damage to his brain that his headaches are causing. He is not eating properly and is severely dehydrated. He falls into his room and staggers to the bathroom, taking off his jacket on the way. What he had taken for sweat on his teeshirt is actually blood. He takes off the shirt and his hands come away bloody. Luckily his jeans are black; the left hip is sodden.

"Shit, shit!" He grabs one of the towels and tries to clean the wound so he can see it, but the towel is already stiff from before and will not soak up the new blood. He feels faint, darkness threatening the edge of his vision, and staggers to the sink to throw water on his face. He sees his reflection in the bathroom in the mirror, and the scene goes fuzzy, he cannot get a clear view and he turns, blinking. He needs to tidy up; if someone were to see this they would probably call the police.

He lets go of the sink meaning to go to the shower, perhaps that will refresh him, but he manages two steps forward and then goes down on his knees. He sees flashes of light in his vision, his ears are humming and he crumples to the coolness of the floor and that is the last he knows.

 **...**

"I really feel a lot better," Steve is trying to argue the case with Sam, but Sam wants Steve to stay in the hospital. Steve wants to go home. Natasha is looking on with an amused look on her face and Tony is, well Tony.

"And if you have a relapse?" Sam asks.

Steve laughs and then groans. "I'm not going to have a relapse. Look, I'm on the mend." His ribs are still broken and his cheek discoloured, but the scratches are starting to look better. It is the gunshot wounds that most concern Sam.

Natasha adds her penny's worth. "It's not a good idea for you to go home alone; you need someone to keep an eye on you for a couple of days at least..."

Steve smiles that shy heart dropping smile of his as he looks at her, "Are you offering?" She tuts and smiles to show she's amused.

Tony claps his hands together as if something has been decided. "Right then children, it's settled. Sam, pack his bag. He's coming home with me."

They look at him and he sighs. "Chop, chop, come on, time waits for no man and all that. I have things to do."

He turns to leave the room, already speaking to Jarvis, arranging for Steve to move in. Natasha is already staying with him and then Tony suddenly stops, turns and looks at Sam. He points at him whilst telling Jarvis to make a room up for Sam as well. "And __you__ can play nurse. Might as well have you all under one roof whilst you're trying to make up your minds whats going to happen next."

If Steve is honest with himself, he would admit he would rather be back in New York.

All of the Avengers have at some time stayed at Stark Tower. After the damage sustained to it in a previous escapade, Tony rebuilt and included a whole floor dedicated for use by the Avenger team. They have allocated rooms and adding Sam to the Assemble would be no problem. Tony can think of no safer place for Steve Rogers at the moment... _ _and__ he can keep an eye on him as well.

Steve arranges with Sam to visit his apartment on the way to pick up some things first, and by evening they are all installed in Stark Tower. Sam is impressed. Not only do they have their own rooms but they also have a gym, lounge, kitchen, library, theatre room, kick-ass lab (okay he wasn't so thrilled about that) – they even have their own Quinjet.

He doesn't even have to do his own laundry!

 **...**

It is four hours later when Bucky comes around. The wound has stopped bleeding for now; the stitches are covered in a gelatinous mass and as he tries to get up his body actually has to unstick itself from the floor. He stands unsteadily. He feels light headed and woozy. It takes him a moment to realise where he is and what has happened. He staggers through to the bedroom and sits on the edge of the bed. He needs to eat, needs to drink and then he needs to plan.

He raids the kitchen for food, eats bread and milk. It's all he has. Not perfect but it will do for now. He showers but realises he has no clean clothes to change into and is forced to put on dirty ones. The bloodied ones he will have to toss. He cleans and covers the wound, takes a handful of Advil, and it then takes two hours to clean up as much of the mess as he can. He is going to have to find somewhere else to stay, somewhere more __permanent,__ but he doesn't know if he can cope with thinking about that for now. Just surviving the day would be good. He sinks in to bed and is asleep in minutes.

The next morning he awakens knowing he needs supplies. Just down the road from the motel is a line of shops. A cheap clothes store, a 7/11 food shop and the pharmacy he previously used. There is also a launderette and a coffee shop. The fresh air makes his head better and another shower has cleaned him up. He even had a go at shaving. The wound looks angry but isn't bleeding which he sees as a good sign. He pulls his baseball cap down and heads out again leaving a note for the cleaner not to go in.

When he finally returns to his room he feels better despite the exertion. He has eaten and has a new change of clothes and groceries. When he enters his room he realises that he is going to have to cut his stay short; it still smells of blood, looks bad. His good mood is fast fading and in a moment of panic he thinks he cannot cope with this any more. Trying to shake himself out of it he switches on the TV, has it playing in the background on the news channel. He watches but there is nothing new in the coverage on Hydra and their failed coup. It's nothing that he hasn't already seen, but his attention is caught again by a familiar name. The news lady is giving out the story that Steve Rogers has been released from hospital to an untold location however the reporter covering the story assures her that it is believed to be Stark Tower in New York.

And this time Bucky knows that he recognises the name Stark. But he still doesn't know why.

 **...**

The next day, Bucky Barnes is bound for New York on the Greyhound bus. It should take just over four hours. Despite all that is happening to him at the moment he still has a twinge of guilt for the state he left his motel room in; taped to the bathroom mirror is an envelope with $200 and an apology – it is the type of thing Steve Rogers would do and Bucky wanted to do the right thing. He is hoping they won't realise for a while that he has gone and that after seeing the money they will decide not to call the police.

All he has with him is his backpack and another bag containing his clothing. The money is safely at the bottom of the pack with the notebook and letter and all the other things __she__ packed. The gun is just in the top for easy reach. He doesn't know how long he has until they come for him, until the tracking device in his hip betrays him and gives away his whereabouts.

In short, he has no set plan.

He finds a hotel and is given a room on the third floor. It's fairly decent, clean, and more importantly has a fire escape just outside of the window. It is half a mile from the famous Stark Tower and he can actually see it rising up out of the landscape. Now that Bucky looks at it, he wonders how the hell he is going to get inside. He can hardly walk up to the receptionist and ask to speak to the world-famous Steve Rogers.

He is also not convinced that seeing Steve again is a good idea. Why bring all that trouble to his door?

He settles in to his room and for the first time takes the notebook out and removes the rubber band. He flicks through; there are about one hundred and fifty pages and half of them have something written on them. He recognises her writing and closing his eyes closes the book and breathes deeply. He is going to have to face what he did to her sometime, but the longer he puts it off the longer he can pretend it didn't happen.

"Pull yourself together Buck," he murmurs and opens his eyes, opens the book at the first page and reads. It is a short explanation of how he came to be with Hydra again. She warns him that more memories of what happened will come to him as it has happened before. Then she tells him to give himself time and to stay safe. Tells him to find Steve. Tells him she loves him so very much.

He turns the page quickly and there on the next page are the names of his mother and father and his four brothers. Just seeing the names hurts. He cannot remember their faces. For a moment he puts the book down and dry washes his face. This, he realises, is going to have to be done in small bits, in small steps.

"My name is James Buchanan Barnes," he says aloud, trying the words. "But my family and friends call me Bucky. I was born in..." And he cannot remember. He knew the dates, but now they have gone. This is what he fears, remembering and then having it all taken away from him again. He massages his temples, sits back, breathes deeply.

"My name is James Buchanan Barnes," he says again. "But my family and friends call me Bucky."

 **...**

The next day he is going to look at Stark Tower and then track down the local library so he can use the internet. Like a lot of things they had trained him on using a PC, using the internet. He hasn't needed it in a lot of missions but he is __au fait__ with its basic usage.

The tower rises so high that standing below it he cannot see the top. He has walked around the perimeter, which took him longer than he expected. The entrances are at the front and consist of wide glass doors that open as you approach them. Around the sides is a low vegetation garden creating a pleasant surrounding. At the back of the building you cannot get anywhere near the building at all; it is all cleverly fenced off. He can however see a gate and gatehouse for delivery trucks.

The tower stands on its own with no other building close to it. It is made of glass and steel, and later at the library he finds out it has ninety-three floors, is powered by an Arc Reactor, has ten floors devoted to technological research and development, contains a hangar and lift off pad for helicopters and has its own Quinjet. Finally, its electronic systems are maintained by Stark's own programme: Jarvis.

"All I want to know is how to get into the goddamn place, I don't want to buy the fucking thing," he mutters, receiving a look of disapproval from the woman next to him. But luck and perseverance gets him to a website that shows the floor dedicated to the Avengers. He still comes out of there with a pounding head and no idea of how to get in there. He doesn't want to cause trouble, doesn't want to kill or hurt anyone. He just wants to talk to Steve. He sighs. "Who am I trying to kid."

Before heading back to his room he purchases some more Advil and stops at a small coffee house over the road from the tower. He sits outside, and when his order is ready a young woman brings it out to him, the place is quiet. She puts the toasted sandwich and coffee down and then hovers next to him. He looks up, __is he supposed to tip?__ he wonders but when he offers her money she shakes her head and smiles at him.

"You don't look well, that's all. If you don't mind me saying...your nose," and she touches her own. He picks up a napkin and dabs at it, and it comes away bloody.

"Sorry." He feels embarrassed, doesn't know the last time he has felt that. She directs him to the toilets inside and promises to make sure his food and drink are still there when he comes out. When he does reappear she has also put a glass of water on the table.

"I'm guessing a migraine from the black eyes and the blood?" she says. "My brother suffers with them, always has done. You need to drink more water, it helps."

When she has gone back inside he realises over the last few days he has had normal everyday conversations with normal everyday people and he feels his chest tighten as if he wants to cry. His emotions are all over the place, difficult to control.

"Jesus, Barnes, get a grip." But a part of him can't help but start to feel human again.

The waitress comes out once more to check on the young man. He is cute in his way, but if you look into his eyes there is such sadness there that she wants to hug him. He is polite, does not say much but he visits the cafe for the next three days and she makes sure that she is the one serving him. She finds herself wondering why he always has a jacket on and wears gloves. Maybe a skin condition?

He learns that her name is Dot and she lives close by with her partner, Ava, who works for the postal service. He feels a tug at his memory when she tells him her name. Didn't he once know someone call Dot?

He cannot come up with much of a plan and something in the back of his mind keeps telling him he is not taking enough care, not paying enough attention. At the moment all he feels he can do is spend time near where he knows Steve Rogers is. He __needs__ to go back to thinking the way the Winter Soldier does...but he doesn't want to lose this new feeling of being human.

On his fourth day he hits the jackpot. Dot is chatting to the people next to him and he hears her mention the name Captain America, and so when she goes to pass his table he asks her what she said.

"You see Stark Tower over there," she says pointing. "Well, Steve Rogers is living there at the moment. I shouldn't really say this but some mornings you can see him; he goes for a run in the park opposite, sometimes stops here for his coffee...he's usually with this other guy called Sam. __Gorgeous__ eyes."

Bucky's heart begins to race. "How do you know he likes to run?" If she notices the slight stutter in his voice she doesn't make it obvious.

"He always runs whenever he stays there. He told me once he likes the fresh air."

"Does he stay there often, then?"

Dot nods. "I get the feeling he doesn't like to stay inside; he's more the kind who needs to be doing something you know the type I mean? Needs fresh air." And Bucky immediately knows exactly what she means and it makes him smile.

 _ _And there in his mind is Steve. They have stayed in for the fourth day running because it is cold outside and he has a chesty cough. Bucky won't let him out of the door.__

" _ _Aw come on, I'll wrap up warm!" He cannot even get Steve to sit down and sketch and he knows Steve needs fresh air, feels as if he is climbing the walls.__

 _"_ _ _Okay, just for a few minutes understand?" He wraps Steve up as though he is a delicate ornament wrapped in cotton wool. His friend can hardly move he has on so many layers. The fresh air gives him a healthy rosy glow in his cheeks, and they trudge through the snow to the corner and then back again. He can see Steve feels better for the fresh air and when they get back he asks Steve what he wants to do next.__

 _ _Steve looks at him with those baby blue eyes and smirks. "Well, I thought now you could unwrap me," he says and looks up at Bucky as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. Bucky remembers the familiar tightening he would get in his chest when Steve looked at him that way.__

 _"_ _ _Oh I think I could manage that," had been his reply.__

When Bucky returns to his room, he takes up the notebook and turns to one of the empty pages at the back and writes down the memory. Then he curls up in the chair and closes his eyes trying to recapture it, the warmth of Steve's look, the smell of his hair, the comfort of his love. And as he remembers, silent tears run down his cheeks.

The next morning he is up and back at Stark tower at 5.30am, hoping that Steve is still an early riser. He wonders who the man Sam is that Dot mentioned. Is he close to Steve? A pang of jealousy runs through him.

The problem is that he does not know if Steve will come out of the main entrance or use one of the doors at the back. Dot mentioned the park and so he thinks it is better to wait over there so he trots over the road and into the park, finds a bench, and settles down. There is a slight breeze, enough to ruffle his hair and the leaves in the trees overhead. There are few people about, some with dogs, and some nod to him as they go by. Most ignore him but he is just happy to sit there and watch the world go by. He is free. But he is getting dangerously lax.

About twenty minutes later he sees them and moves from the bench. He doesn't want them to see him. He puts the hood up on his sweatshirt and after they jog by he waits for a few moments and then jogs after them at a slightly slower pace. Steve, he can see, is holding himself as he jogs as though he is in pain. He is too far away to hear all of their conversation but he can tell they are at ease with each other. Bucky vaguely recognises the man with him: this must be Sam. He tries to catch at a memory of the man, but it is being elusive.

"I suppose you're going to show me up, go do a hundred more laps that I am," Sam is grumbling, but his smile belays the words.

"Well, if you've got it you may as well flaunt it," says Steve and Bucky sees him turn his head to Sam and as soon as Bucky sees his profile he feels like he has been punched. He knows Steve's face so well. Has drawn his finger over those cheeks, gazed into those eyes and he slows his steps without realising until he is stopped and they are still going. He watches them jog into the recess of the park.

"What am I doing?" he asks himself. He stands for a moment feeling sick, hot, sweaty, his hands are shaking. He turns back to the bench and sits down, head in hands, massaging his temples for a few minutes. He knows it will be about ten minutes before they reappear and run the circuit around the park again. One look at those features, one look at Steve and he feels his whole world is on the point of collapse.

What did he think he was going to do? Go up to him and say hello, long time no see? Did he honestly think Steve would welcome him back with open arms? Ask him to join them? How can he have been so stupid? He has no plan; he is on the run from Hydra and all of the USA law enforcement; from SHIELD, or what is left of it. What did he think he was going to do? Live happily ever after? Did he think he deserves that?

The last time he met Steve he shot him not once but three times, beaten him to a bloody pulp, left him to fend for himself unconscious on the shore of the lake. "Christ, you're so fucking stupid." He gets up, looks once more in the direction Steve and Sam were headed, and then walks unsteadily out of the park.

 **...**

Next day he is back there again – he cannot help himself. His need to just see Steve is like a drug, he needs to know he is less than twenty feet away and if he chose to, he could reach out and touch him. This time he has an idea of what they will do, five circuits around the park and then a coffee at a coffee house on the other side of the park.

He follows.

Bucky was the love of Steve's life - still is, if truth be known - yet he has no idea Barnes is so close. The Winter Soldier is able to blend in, not be seen. Today he is there in plain sight but neither Sam nor Steve take any notice.

"So how is it today, easier?" Sam asks and Steve just smiles and rubs his stomach, pats it.

"Oh you know..."

He gives Sam that Steve Rogers Grin, but Sam can see the pain in his eyes. Not just physical pain either. There is a reason they go jogging out here, whilst they trust Tony with their lives they are not convinced that Jarvis cannot hear everything that is said in Stark Tower. Tony is not the enemy but he does like to know what is going on, has so many fingers in so many pies. He keeps them abreast of any news he hears, anything fed to him via informants within the government.

He is aware that Steve is looking for James Barnes, has even promised to help find him - but Tony has his own reasons for wanting to find the Winter Soldier. Part of an incomplete file that Jarvis has decrypted on a Mission Report called 'World Fair'. The date of the mission? December, 1991 – the very time his parents were killed. Oh yes, Tony Stark definitely has his own reasons for finding James Barnes, and he isn't about to let Rogers or Wilson know what they are.

"So do we have any intel at all?" Steve asks as they jog along. He has to admit the injuries from the gun shot wounds are still twinging and he can feel the stitches pulling.

"None. Natasha followed up on that motel room but nada. If it was him, we don't know where he went."

Steve is quiet and Sam glances at him. Gradually he slows and comes to a halt, bends and stretches and blows air out. He straightens, looks at Sam. "So where do we try next? Christ, he could be anywhere...Hydra could already have him."

Sam shrugs, he doesn't know what to say. Steve begins walking and Sam joins him. "He's not exactly going to use his own name if he's trying to travel out of the country. Maybe we should be looking at the Hydra remnants; if I were them I would be trying to get my rogue asset back in the fold."

"Great, well, if we could find Rumlow then maybe we might have a chance." Steve is rarely sarcastic but he is feeling short tempered, feels that they cannot do anything. Rumlow had somehow survived having a building dropped on him and had been taken to a local hospital for treatment - but yesterday they had been told the police man guarding him had been found dead and Rumlow was no where to be found.

"Maybe it was the Soldier who took Rumlow?" Sam suggests and Steve doesn't answer. He doesn't want to think that Bucky is back under Hydra programming, back where he can't reach him. He begins to jog again, Sam still at his side.

Forty feet away Bucky watches them draw ahead. He heard a few words of what they said, recognised the name Rumlow but he most definitely heard that Steve and Sam were discussing the Winter Soldier, discussing him. Only, unfortunately, he couldn't make out what they were saying.

He makes his way back to his hotel, he is thinking again of finding somewhere he can use as a base, a simple room to rent. He still has money but he knows it won't last forever. When he tries to look into the future he cannot help the panic that follows. He cannot just keep turning up here day after day hoping to see a glimpse of Steve, hoping that one day Steve will glance back, will recognise him, will hold his arms out, will take him back. "Welcome back to the real world, Barnes."

He is unaware of the fact he is breaking down. People look at him on the street and his paranoia clicks in, not realising it is because he is talking to himself. He has started to let himself go again, hasn't shaved, his clothes are starting to smell. He can't think, can't plan from one moment to the next. He thought he had control of it, but he doesn't.

When he gets back to his hotel he is sure someone has been in his room. He tries to take a deep breath, tries to talk himself down. Of course they haven't. If Hydra do come for him he doesn't want them to get his notebook, he needs to keep that safe. He thinks of getting a locker at one of the stations but instead he remembers that on his way to Stark Tower he passes a Self Storage Facility, he tries to grasp the name – __Big & Small, Short & Tall Self Storage. __Something like that.

He looks at his watch, it is late afternoon. He grabs his back pack, puts his notebook, cash and Freya's letter in it together with a couple of other items and leaves the hotel. It doesn't take him long to get to the storage facility and he rents from them something called a 'personal space box'. It is a space large enough to keep his backpack and a few other things in. He will have twenty-four hour access and when he asks to pay cash up front for six months storage they smiled and said they did not need any bank details – just a name and a contact number.

The woman behind the counter was trying to smile at the man; he looks like a homeless bum but he can pay money up front, and that she knows is all her boss would be interested in.

Sh passes him a form to complete and he hesitates for a second and then fills it in. She takes it back and turns it so she can read it.

"Thank you Mister...Rogers." She then tears off the top copy and gives it to him as his receipt and hands him two keys. One has a fob on it marked number eleven. For a split second it seems right that that should be the number.

"If you follow me I can show you how it all works." She takes him out of the office and around the back. They enter the door that the first key unlocks and he finds himself in a large room which for a moment makes him feel as if he is in a morgue. Each wall has small doors indented into them, spaced around the room in the middle are several tables and chairs.

She leads him over to door eleven and runs through with him that he has full 24/7 access, that they can also accept postal packages on behalf of their customers and as she talks about the other benefits he starts to lose focus. He just wants to place his bag and go. She finishes and then leaves him alone. He locks the bag up and feels at least he can keep his memories safe from Hydra. The address and telephone number he wrote on the form is that of Stark Tower.

He has used Steve's name. If something should happen to him, if Hydra get him back then it will be Steve the storage people contact with regard to the box. It is not a lot but it is all he has in the world and the only person he would ever want to have it is Steve.

By the time he gets back to his room he is having trouble staying upright. He looks around the room, wondering where he can safely store the keys. If he keeps them on him and is taken they will find his bag. The building is old and has the original older style furniture so the wardrobe is a stand alone one. In the end he places it taped to the front inside panel of the wardrobe to the left so it cannot be seen.

His head is bad again and he swallows down a couple of Freya's tablets. He has forgotten to eat. He locks his door, puts the chair under the handle. Doesn't want to think any more and collapses into bed.

 **...**

That night Bucky wakes, mouth open to emit a soundless scream. The nightmare tries to clutch at him, tries to pull him back in and he blindly reaches out for his Constant, for her, for Freya. The room is dark. He isn't thinking straight.

There is no one there. The space next to him is empty, cold. For a moment he is confused, thinking she must be in the bathroom, and then he hears the sound of traffic outside.

And then he remembers.

There is no comfort for him. There is nothing there for him. She is dead. He killed her. He took her apart piece by piece and even whilst she begged him to stop he didn't, he killed her.

A sob escapes and he turns quickly and almost falls out of the bed, stumbling across the floor to the bathroom. Luckily he makes it to the toilet before he is sick. He is sweating heavily, the headache is back in place, his temple feels as if it is throbbing. He can hear her voice asking him to stop and his answering sneer – __take this mess away and burn it.__

He sinks down next to the toilet. Rests his forehead on the cold porcelain.

"No. No, please, no don't let me have killed her, please no, God no, let it just be a dream, a bad dream." But he knows it is not just a nightmare. He did kill her. "But I loved her..." he mutters, as if trying to convince himself of something.

" _ _You only love yourself, you only love your precious Steve, you never loved her...you used her!__ " The voice he is hearing now is angry; it comes out of nowhere and yet he recognises it as his own.

"No. You're wrong," his voice sounds thin, whiny even to him.

" _ _You killed her...you!__ " The voice is furious now. " _ _I will never, never forgive you for that.__ "

"They said she was a traitor. They said she..."

" _ _And you listened to them! She had never hurt you, stayed with you even after you hurt her, raped her, used her...__ "

Bucky stands up, hands tucked under his arm pits but trying to argue his defence. "No. I didn't do those things. I didn't, __you__ did!"

And the voice sneers, laughs at him and he puts his hand over his ears but he can still hear it. " _ _She trusted you and you killed her__!"

"No, no, no..." Each time he says the word it gets louder until in the end he is screaming it, and then his eyes change. He is the only one there, and yet he argues.

" _ _You__ believed what they said as well..." Bucky's voice has an edge to it now, one that Steve would never recognise. "It made __you__ so angry you couldn't control yourself!" And as he speaks he takes a step forward each time as if driving back his attacker. "You! You took her apart, told her she was worthless, told her she was a whore, you did that so don't come the high and mighty with me, you and I are in this together. We both killed her!"

" _ _She belonged to me! She was mine!__ " the Winter Soldier roars in retaliation. He hits out at his reflection and the mirror smashes, glass exploding into the sink and onto the floor and he hits it again cracking the cement of the wall.

He hits it a third time and then a fourth but each time there is less power behind the punch until eventually he leaves his hand against the wall and rests his forehead on it. "She was __mine__ ," he whispers.

He looks up. There is one small shard of glass still hanging and he can see his distorted reflection in it.

" _ _And what will your precious Steve say when he finds out about her? When he finds out what you did to her?__ " the Winter Soldier asks Bucky quietly.

He looks away. He cannot stand to look at his face anymore.

"I don't know."

A hammering on the door stops him in his tracks and another voice enters the fray.

"Hey you in there! Keep the goddamn noise down will'ya, theres people trying to sleep here!"

And he then hears the noises around him, the traffic out on the street, a baby crying somewhere. He is in the middle of New York, it never sleeps. He hears a door slam.

He looks down at himself, he is in his underwear, blood trickling down from his right hand which he has cut on the mirror. Sweat stains his body. He feels incredibly tired.

He feels so alone.

"Don't hate me, Steve. Please don't hate me," he whispers, and then turns and begins to tidy the mess he has made.

 **...**

The drug high of seeing Steve does not wear off. It gets worse, leaches into his every thought and whilst he thinks of that he doesn't think of anything else. Over the next three weeks he waits every day, but is not always rewarded. For two days he does not see him at all and by the third he is feeling sick, nervous, starting to think of crazy plans, of marching into the tower, of demanding to see him.

And then he is there. It is mid morning and Steve walks out of the tower and ignoring the park turns to walk the other way. For four hours Bucky follows him around the city.

 _ _Steve does not seem to have a direction and in truth he doesn't. He is feeling cooped up, wants to get out, wants to get away from everyone asking him how he is feeling. He does not think of returning to his apartment – too many memories there of the night Fury was shot. He doesn't even realise where he is heading until he gets there.__

 _ _Brooklyn.__

 _ _He has been here several times now, back to his old haunts, usually only to find so many are gone. The cinema he used to go to with Bucky, the apartment block where he lived with this mother has been knocked down and is now a 7/11. But then he finds himself in a familiar street and before he can stop to think he is stood outside the Barnes' old house.__

Mr and Mrs Barnes are long gone and the brothers have moved on with families of their own. __He will have to think of what to tell them before anything breaks on the news. How does he tell them that their brother is still alive? That James is the Winter Soldier that people are learning about? Before they believe what the news says? The brothers are old men now - well, two of them are, the other two have passed but there are nieces and nephews to also consider. When did the world get so complicated?__

 _ _As he stands there the hair on the back of his neck tingles and he turns around as if expecting to find Bucky walking up the street with that confident swagger of his. There is no one there, a single man in the distance but no one else. For moment he looks at the man again, for a second he thought...no, it is because he is here. He is seeing ghosts. The man is nobody, isn't even walking this way.__

 _"_ _ _Christ Buck where are you?" he asks quietly. Then putting his hands in his pockets he turns. He is going to visit Goldie's Gym, not that it is run by Goldie any more. Christ, he'd be clear over a hundred by now! Steve keeps a gym bag there in one of the lockers, he feels it keeps a bond with the place, one he needs.__

Bucky watches Steve walk away and in his mind he can see where he is headed. He scrabbles in his pocket for a scrap of paper and a pencil and scribbles down a note to himself. He needs to remember this, to add it to his notebook because in his mind he can see a gym and he knows that is where Steve is headed. "He bloodied my nose once," he writes and closes his eyes briefly, it is one of the memories Freya wrote down for him.

As Steve disappears around the corner Bucky slowly walks up to the house that Steve had stood outside of. He is expecting to see it has a coat of green paint, but instead it is pink and white. There is a different front door and the pots his mother kept out the front are long gone, replaced now by children's toys. He blinks and for a brief second sees that different frontage but he cannot hold on to the memory.

"Can I help you?" Someone comes up behind him, makes him jump. It is a woman in her thirties, plump, with a false smile and cold eyes.

He shakes his head. "No sorry..." he mumbles and she tuts and pushes past him to get to her gate. This is her house now. Without saying any more Bucky walks away; he is beginning to sweat heavily and his ears are buzzing, his left one itches and when he puts his hand to it there is a small amount of blood. He looks back and sees the woman is watching him and he turns back and walks faster now beginning to realise just how much danger he is in of losing it out here on the street.

Two boys on bikes watch him as he walks by them and he feels as if everyone is staring. He begins to trot, he needs to get away, get away from everything. He runs out into the road to cross the street and an angry motorist blares his horn.

"Hey watch'a doing crazy son of a bitch. You got shit for brains?" he hears the motorist yell. _ _Shit for brains? Yeah that about sums it up. That's all Hydra has left me with.__ Several people turn and watch him run; he doesn't stop, runs as fast as he can, runs away from everything until eventually he __has__ to stop, he is exhausted, doesn't know where he is. It is growing dark. He makes his way down the street until he sees a subway and can work out from there where he is, what he has to do to get back to his room. And when he does he discovers he has pulled his stitches. The wound is still sore, does not want to heal.

He is losing it, losing his mind, losing his way – and finally he realises this. He cannot go on the way he is. He sits in the chair and his mind is thinking, thinking of everything, he digs the heel of his hands into his eyes, sits forward. Freya told him to find Steve, Dum Dum told him to find Steve. It is his only option, he has to admit he needs him. He is Bucky's only salvation.

Tomorrow.

He will get up, shower, shave, put clean clothes on, walk to Stark Tower and when Steve comes out he will walk up to him and ask for his help.

It's a plan – it's the only one he has.

 **...**

But the trouble with plans is they can go wrong. Bucky is waiting outside the tower. He sees Steve come out with Sam. He had forgotten Sam. How could he have? He knows Steve goes running with him. He is sure that Sam's reaction to him would be different to that of Steve's. Something could go so drastically wrong. At first he doesn't know what to do but in the end he follows them. There is nowhere else for him to go.

They do eight circuits of the park and then Bucky follows as they make their way back to the tower.

"C'mon, Buck, you can do this. Just go up to them, hands out, you don't want any trouble just tell them that..." But as he is trying to convince himself he watches them re-enter the tower. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. Now what?" He is lost, he had so planned this in his head he doesn't know what to do now it hasn't happened, hasn't taken place. He turns to walk away but instead hears a voice, someone shouting.

"Hey! Long time no see stranger," it is Dot. The girl is always smiling. He looks at her and cannot help but smile back.

"Coffee?" she asks and he realises he is outside the cafe and he nods. She gestures for him to sit down and he does. For once he is happy for someone to make the decisions for him. The sun is warming up for the day. If he stays here a while maybe he will be lucky. Maybe Steve will come back out.

"I took the liberty, as you look hungry." Along with his coffee she has brought him out a toasted sandwich and a cake. He feels his eyes well with tears, feels his throat thicken, it feels as if it is such a long time since someone cared for him. He looks at her and without thinking he tells her. "I know Steve...Steve Rogers," and she looks at him surprised. He gestures over to the tower. "I was hoping to catch him, to talk to him," he hears his words and tells himself to shut up but he can't. He wants to talk to someone, wants to tell them. "But I missed him," he finishes.

"Can't you just go in and ask for him?" she asks and he shakes his head and tries to smile at her. "Well, eat up and maybe whilst you are having your coffee he'll come out again?" she suggests. He tries the smile again and nods. Leans forward and picks up the sandwich. The food is good. The coffee though is the wrong thing to drink in the hot sun; the day is getting bright and his head is buzzing again.

He finishes and goes into the cafe to pay for his food and is just coming back outside when he catches sight of Steve heading away from him through an area Bucky doesn't know. Steve is dressed down, white tee shirt, jeans, baseball cap.

He follows, and as he follows he talks quietly to himself. "You need to do this. Just go up to him... _ _he won't want to see me.__..yes he will!" His mind is arguing with itself, one moment telling him to trust Steve the next telling him he will put Steve in danger, the next telling him Steve will be disgusted with him.

In the end Steve stops at one of the many coffee shops and disappears inside. Bucky is glad; he is feeling sick, his head is bad, the wound in his side aches. A few moments later Steve comes out carrying a coffee and cake and sits at one of the tables. He has sunglasses on and Bucky cannot see his eyes.

He so nearly walks up to him, he is only a few steps away but instead he talks himself into hiding in the shade of the alleyway opposite the coffee house. He watches as Steve picks up a newspaper and reads from it, sipping at his drink.

He is there. So close, so near. "I can reach out and touch him," Bucky thinks. His head is fit to burst, the pain in it so bad and there is a whining noise in his ears. He knows if he can just reach out and touch Steve, things would be okay, he would be safe. He hesitates but then takes the first step just as Steve finishes his coffee and stands up getting ready to leave.

Bucky goes to call out, goes to come out of the dark shade of the alley, he takes another step but before he can go any further he feels a hand on his arm. His defences are completely down: his eyes and attention are only focused on Steve, on his need for him.

His whole body tenses but before he can do anything, before he can move, the hand increases its pressure and a voice says to him: _"_ _ _Red, white and blue, time for you to sleep now Soldier,"__ and his body and mind react to those words – the words to shut down the Winter Soldier. He makes a single noise of pain, tries to ignore them, tries so very hard, he can see Steve so close but then his synapse fail, he collapses backwards and unconscious into the arms of two men. They drag him backwards to the waiting van.

And across the road Steve Rogers puts a tip down, picks up the newspaper, folds it and puts it on the side. Then he turns and walks away.

Hydra have their Winter Soldier again, they have their asset back.


	78. Chapter 78 - The Apartment

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Seventy-Eight:**** ** **The Winter Soldier & Bucky Barnes – The Apartment****

The van pulls up outside of the old bank in Washington.

It is night time, quiet, with no-one around to disturb them. They open up the back loading bay door and drive inside. There are three men, not counting the unconscious Soldier. They know the fail-safe command lasts for about six hours so they still have time. They close the bay doors behind them and move the Soldier out and into a loading bay lift, then accompany him down the four floors into the bowls of the earth itself. When he awakens he will recognise where he is.

Did he really think he could escape them?

The inner-city vault has been brought back online but with far fewer staff. For now, there are the five of them, two guards, two technicians and of course the new Winter Soldier's handler - Brock Rumlow. He is not a pretty sight. The left side of his face is badly burnt, still bleeding and oozing from the injuries. The burns run down his left arm and the left side of his chest. His voice is rough where the heat scorched his larynx. The doctors had told him he was lucky to be alive.

He took his survival as divine intervention, he was meant to live, he was meant for greater things. The heat from the fire had also caused brain damage; impaired his reasoning abilities. Anyone else would say the damage to his brain has sent him mad. Given him delusions of grandeur.

They would be right.

He knew about the secret stash of serum held as back-up for emergencies. It does not exist any more; it has all been injected into his body. Even now he believes he can feel the serum repairing his wounds; or, at least, that is what he believes it is doing. It is not. The serum has degraded over time. If he lives he will be a monster. If he dies, he will be lucky.

"Bring him over here," he tells two of the men. The two guards keep their rifles trained on the unconscious man; they have both seen the Winter Soldier in action. They can also feel the tension in the air from Rumlow; can feel the testosterone, see the sweat rolling of his body. They try not to look at the burnt skin, try to block the foetid odour of it. He dismisses the three men who captured the Soldier. After all, they have other duties to perform. Before they leave they hand him over the tracking unit that gave them the location of the Winter Soldier. Rumlow puts it on the side for now.

"Wake him up," Rumlow says to one of the technicians.

The man nods, scurries forward and with a hypo gun injects a drug to waken the Soldier. They have placed him on a chair and his metal arm has been powered down. He looks like shit. Rumlow crouches down in front him, takes a handful of his hair, and pulls his head back.

"Come on sleeping beauty. You've had your nap, now it's time for work," he says and he sees the Soldier's eyes flutter as he regains consciousness.

Rumlow slaps him hard and is finally rewarded when the Winter Soldier looks up at him, looks around the room, sums up the two guards, the technicians, and his own peril. But Rumlow can also see a difference in his gaze: the person they have is Bucky Barnes. There is hardly any sign of the Soldier in him.

Rumlow is an extremely angry man. He is just about keeping his temper from exploding. The guards feel as if they have to walk on eggshells around him, and the technicians are terrified of him. They have heard his ravings about how he is going to be the new leader of Hydra, he will lead them back to greatness. He is also to be made into a new and improved Winter Soldier only he will not have the Soldier's weaknesses, just his strengths. He won't be like any other human, and they believe him when he says that. You only have to look into his blood-flecked eyes to see he is no longer that.

"How did you find me?" Bucky asks, wanting to double check that it was the tracking device that betrayed his whereabouts; he is answered when Rumlow picks up the scanner and waggles it in the air.

"The magic of technology," he puts the box back down.

Bucky is on the point of collapse. He had been so close, so close to Steve he had been able to reach out and touch him. And now he is back in the inner-city vault, back in the main room, back in the wiping room. And the chair sits there waiting for him, the machine already humming. Rumlow sees him looking at it.

"I see you've guessed we are going to take all your troubles away from you... _ _again__ ," he says, goading this poor specimen of a Soldier in front of him.

Bucky tries to say something but his voice is too low for Rumlow to hear and so he pulls at Bucky's hair again makes eye contact, peering questioningly at him.

"I said..." Bucky's voice is as hard as he can make it. "Fuck off!"

Rumlow laughs, releases Bucky and lifts his arms up as if to encompass all of the people in the room.

"Do you hear what he says to us? This __excuse__ for a soldier, this __traitor__ , this __filth__?" His face hardens and he looks at Bucky who is struggling to keep up straight in the chair. He is trying to guess the odds. Who is he trying to kid? And Rumlow sees his shoulders slump, can see the man is ready to give up.

Without warning he hits Bucky so hard that it knocks him from the seat onto the floor and Bucky finds his head ringing. He tries to shake the impact off; it has made his ears ring, made his jaw ache. He slowly reaches out and uses the chair to get up and back into it whilst Rumlow looks at him.

"That the best you've got?" he murmurs and Rumlow hits him again.

"I'm just getting started," he growls, picking Bucky up by the front of his shirt but Bucky is laughing; his mind just cannot cope with this. He is back with Hydra, how could he have ever thought he could get away?

Rumlow forces him back on to the chair whilst the technicians begin to set the dials to prepare the wipe process. They will then move Bucky to the wiping chair and clamp him down.

Rumlow leans over really close to Bucky, so close that he can smell his bad breath, can see the burn injuries up close. "See what your friend Rogers did to me?" He draws a finger down the left side of his face so that the skin bursts open in places and for a moment Bucky thinks he is going to be sick as fluid leaks through the jagged line.

"Him and his friend Wilson. Pretty isn't it?" And then he laughs, Bucky can see the glint of madness in his eyes, he knows what to look for because he has seen it in his own eyes often enough.

"Ready sir," one of the technicians says and Bucky cannot help but look at the wipe chair. His stomach lurches. He doesn't want to be imprisoned in it. Doesn't want to forget any of what he has remembered, no matter how small the memory might be. Rumlow sees that look of fear.

"You belong to us. You are going to complete your mission. You are going to see Rogers; you will be nice and friendly and when you are up close like the pals you are, you will gut him and you won't be able to stop yourself...we own you. We decide what you will do. You will do what we want." And Bucky sees in his mind himself walking up to Steve, Steve smiling and then Bucky plunging a knife into his friend's belly and the look of shock on his face.

"No!" he cries out shaking his head to clear the vision.

"You __don't__ own me. I won't do it. I didn't last time, I won't this time."

But Rumlow laughs again. It is a nasty laugh. He looks back into Bucky's eyes.

"He has to pay for this. He will pay for this," and Rumlow indicates his face again. "Do you know what it is like to burn? Do you? I'll tell you, it fucking __hurts__ ," and laughing out loud he straightens up and motions for the two guards to join in with the laugh. They look uneasy; the laughter is maniacal, disturbing but then he is looking back at Barnes again.

"But of course you could always ask your __Constant__ how it feels couldn't you? If of course she was still alive." He sees the look in Barnes' eyes: pure shock at the mention of the woman, he then walks back several steps and indicates the guards to come forward and take Barnes to the chair.

"I spoke to the guards who had to clear up your... _ _mess__. You didn't even fulfil that mission! You were supposed to have killed her but they told me that you couldn't even do that, they told me she was still alive when they fed her into the furnace..." The shock on Bucky's face turns into horror. "Oh yes, she was alive and awake as she burned. They said she cried for you to help her, screamed to the end. It took a long time for her to die and hours for her body to be consumed by the flames. I would hate to think though that she was alive __all__ of the time, until there was nothing left of her. The pain would have been indescribable, but not just the physical pain, but your betrayal to her as well. She really did love you, you know." Now Rumlow moves closer as the guards haul the Soldier up and over to the chair. Rumlow cannot stop picking away at it, doesn't know when to stop. He wants the Soldier to hurt.

"You think the __evidence__ they showed you was real? She wouldn't of even known what you were accusing her of." He nods at the guards to place Bucky in the chair, but he doesn't see the look change in the Soldier's eyes. He doesn't realise that he has pushed too far.

Not until he hears a gun shot and one of the guards staggers back, shot with his own gun, and then there is a second shot as the other guard falls away and then the Winter Soldier is turning towards Rumlow with such fury in his eyes. He grabs the front of Rumlow's tee shirt, bunches it in his hand and without stopping swings him around and into the wipe chair. As soon as Rumlow puts his arms out to steady himself the clamps whirl and clamp him into the chair.

"You want to be me so badly? Well, welcome to my life," the Soldier's voice is cold, but his eyes are even colder.

A look of panic shows on Rumlow's face as he hears what the Soldier demands of the technician. The technician looks from the Soldier to Rumlow and back to the Soldier, but doesn't move. Bucky brings up the gun and shoots the man dead and then aims the gun at the second technician.

"Now!" he snaps and the remaining technician in panic sets the machine to run.

Rumlow feels the chair moving back, hears the whirl of the plates, and screams. "Get me the fuck out of here...now! I order you...I..."But by then the plates have covered his face, he realises he is trapped and his threats turn to panicked screams.

With no further warning Bucky shoots the remaining technician dead, he doesn't want anyone left alive. He goes over to the panel and puts the dial up as high as it can go and Rumlow's screams increase in pitch. He switches on more dials and sets them at their highest to create a major overload.

He leans over so that Rumlow can see him, but Rumlow has his eyes screwed shut as the pain in his head begins to build, as the heat from the plates begins to burn his face. But he can still hear the words the Soldier says.

"She was __mine__!"

Before the Soldier leaves the room, he takes the tracking box that led them to him and crushes it under foot.

It takes the Soldier no time at all to find what had been his shared quarters. He can smell the blood as he enters and sees it smeared on the walls and pooled in the bathroom, dried but still sticky even after all this time. Embedded glass, black now with dried blood. He turns for a minute, has to hang onto the door frame. He sees the suitcase on the bed. Someone has already rifled through it. He empties it out and carries it through the door and back into the corridor to the supply room. He helps himself to supplies and then calls the lift. As he is waiting he can no longer hear Rumlow's scream...but he can smell burning. The machine will eventually implode taking everything with it.

 _ _Good riddance to bad rubbish.__

He isn't worried about anyone he may come across whilst attempting to leave: the gun in his hand will take care of them. Indeed, the few people he comes across do not impede him for long. Two hours ago he was in the back of a van pulling into the bank, and now he is a free man.

He is two blocks away looking for a car he can steal when he hears what appears to be a loud rumble followed by a short earthquake. Several car alarms start bleating and a shop window cracks and shatters but no one is hurt – unless you count Hydra personnel.

And, of course, Brock Rumlow.

 **...**

The Winter Soldier has gotten him this far, but Bucky Barnes is unable to hold up any more. So much pain, so many thoughts going around and around. One he is trying to fight from letting in.

She was alive when they burnt her. When __he__ told them to burn her.

He makes it to the Greyhound Station, locks himself in one of the toilets, and takes account of the state he is in. He looks in the mirror. He looks bad.

"Shit, I can't rely on you like this," he says angrily...but also quietly. He is still dressed in sweatshirt and jeans from this morning. His gloves have gone, he needed to replace those which luckily enough he has done from the store cupboard. There are several more pairs in the suitcase he has with him. He washes his face. There is nothing he can do about the bruising but at least most of the blood has gone. He runs his hands though his hair but decides that it makes it worse so he flattens it with water.

"And you think that looks any better?" he mutters.

"I'm fucking __trying__ aren't I?" he snaps back at himself.

He looks away from the mirror, leans his hands on the sink, and breathes deeply.

" _ _She was alive__ ," he murmurs, and the Winter Soldier feels nauseous.

For once it is Bucky who tells him to pull himself together. "When we get back to New York we'll think about it then but for now..." and he doesn't need to say any more. They need a plan.

He buys a ticket for New York, feeling a sense of deja vu as he is climbing onto the bus. He drinks from a bottle of water and keeps his hand on the suitcase at his side but before long the rhythm of the bus and the pain and fear catch up with him and he falls asleep.

He doesn't dream. He doesn't wake until the bus driver himself shakes him awake.

"Hey buddy, we're here." He awakens quickly and the bus driver steps back hurriedly. The driver thinks the man in front of him must be an ex-forces veteran; they have the same look when you wake them from a deep sleep. The driver holds his hands up in apology and Bucky nods, tries to smile, tries to apologise.

 **...**

The Winter Soldier sits in a diner drinking coffee. The suitcase down by his feet. He knows several things.

Hydra will come looking for him, and Hydra will find him with the tracking device in his hip giving out its signal.

He needs somewhere he can shelter. Somewhere safe.

He needs to stow the suitcase in the storage facility which means he has to risk going back to his hotel to retrieve the keys.

He cannot ask Steve for help. It is too dangerous. There is no one that can help him. He is in this alone.

For that night he uses a random hotel, one that doesn't worry about names as long as you have cash up front. He barely sleeps but he knows one thing when the break of dawn comes through. He has a plan. Not a brilliant one but one which should work nevertheless.

 **...**

The next morning he feels stiff, uncoordinated. The first thing he does is go to the hotel. He cannot see anyone who shouldn't be there but he still chooses to go in via the fire exit. Clears out his room and is back out on the street within minutes. He visits the storage unit, swaps a few items about, and leaves with the back pack.

It will take him an hour to get to where he is going and he believes where he is going will be safe to do what he needs to do.

He approaches the brown stone building, looking around. He has already previously staked out the building in his previous life, knows the ins and outs, knows the vulnerable points – after all that was what he had been looking for at the time. This is where he had tracked Nick Fury to. This is where he was to shoot him dead.

Steve Roger's apartment.

 **...**

He stands on the fire escape and looks through the apartment window and into the kitchen, then further into the living room. He has watched the place for two days and no one has visited or even tried to enter it. It is deserted. In that time he has not been taking care of himself. At night he continued to still watch the apartment, had fallen asleep, freezing cold, crouched down in the alley across the street. Last night it had rained and he got drenched. Drying out now, he feels chesty. His wound keeps twinging, itching, he just cannot get it to heal. Still lucky he guesses, as he is about to put a larger hole in there.

Looking through the window he can see the items in the apartment. He knows Steve still lives here but is staying at Stark's Tower for the time being.

More memories of and about Steve are coming back to him. Some make sense, some do not. One he is hoping is still true and as he feels under the window sill he smiles to himself. Steve always, __always__ leaves a key hidden just outside wherever he lives. He retrieves a small metal tobacco tin and liberates the keys. There are two: one for the main entrance, and one for the apartment door. He has a story prepared if he runs into anyone: he is a cousin from Alabama visiting the great city for a few days and Rogers has said he can crash at his place whilst it is empty. He doesn't realise how he looks, how someone would disbelieve the story within seconds and be all the more likely to call the police. Lucky for him he doesn't encounter anyone.

He unlocks the door and opens it slowly and enters. He can hear nothing; even the air is still. He closes the door behind him. Takes a step forward.

"Hello?" He calls out just in case even though he would have been amazed to get a reply. He doesn't. The apartment is quiet. The air is dusty and smells of cleaning fluid. Unknown to Bucky, Sam had hired a professional cleaning firm to clean up Nick Fury's blood for when Steve finally returns, if he ever does. A glazier has also repaired the windows.

The carpet softens his footfalls. The first thing he does is go around the apartment and pull the curtains almost all the way across the windows. He leaves the kitchen window as it looks out onto the fire escape, and the blank wall of the building next door.

He prowls around slowly this time. Besides the kitchen and the open-plan living room there is a bedroom and a bathroom. A closet in the hallway. The apartment is Steve's there is no doubt about it. He wants to keep looking, wants to rummage, but he knows he needs food and sleep but before he heads into the kitchen something stops him.

A photograph.

It is stood on the sideboard and it is of him and Steve. As he walks over to it he sees two more stood behind it. When Steve disappeared his effects were put into storage and then forgotten until Phil Coulson found them and returned them to their rightful owner.

He picks it up and studies it. They thought they had been through the worst, thought they were near the end: but they weren't, they were just at the beginning. He thinks he remembers the photo being taken but he is not sure, he is not sure of anything any more and his head begins to ache. He feels faint. This is where he doesn't realise how much his thinking is impaired. He has watched the apartment. He has his backpack with him, his notepad, everything he thought he would need including cash. But he has forgotten food; for the last two days he has barely eaten not wanting to leave the closeness of the apartment, his safety net. His body feels as if it is on its last legs.

He heads for the kitchen and opens the fridge, but other than a few small items it is empty. He opens the cupboards, swearing to himself. "You never got your fucking food priorities right Stevie, never looked after yourself," he mumbles.

He finds an opened box of cereals in the cupboard with some long life milk. He takes the packet, meaning to find a bowl, but suddenly his stomach reminds him of how hungry it is and without thinking he starts to stuff cereal into his mouth, it has lost its crispness, has started to go off. He grabs one of the long life milk cartons, rummages around for scissors and finally uses his metal hand to tear the corner off and drinks some of the white liquid down which makes him choke along with the dry cereal. He slides down the kitchen unit to the floor still stuffing the cereal in his mouth. Within minutes the packet is almost empty and he upends it. He looks at the floor and scoops a handful of the fallen cereal and puts it in his mouth.

 _ _What a fuckin' mess.__ He doesn't know if he means the floor or himself. He closes his eyes for a moment and the packet falls out of his hand. He is asleep within seconds.

When he awakens, it takes a couple of seconds to remember where he is. It is dark outside and the apartment only lets in a small amount of light from the outside lamps. He feels stiff, cold and as he stands there is crunching under foot where he dropped cereal on the floor. His right foot has gone to sleep and he needs a few minutes to come around, hopping as he does. His hip hurts like crazy and his eyes feel as though they have grit in them. He leans forward and fumbles for the light switch and it makes him squint when it finally comes on.

He opens a cupboard and finds a box of Advil, swallows four of them with water from the tap.

He is still hungry. His body doesn't care what it eats as long as it is something.

He finds raw vegetables and fruit and whilst the fruit is soft the vegetables are okay and he bites into a raw potato, his stomach growling and slides down the unit again. The food makes his mouth water and his legs go weak. He sits there chewing seemingly staring into space, eat, chew, swallow.

He thinks of food as being a necessity and not a treat - but then he has a memory of a diner. How long ago was that? His memories of it mixed with another memory and merging into one and he stops eating. He rubs his left eye with the heel of his hand. He doesn't know any more what are real memories, what he is to think and sometimes it hurts so much to think, just not the pain in his head but pain in the pit of his stomach.

He is still not used to having emotions and they overwhelm him; he drops what is left of the potato and hugs his arms round his body and weeps.

He doesn't know how much time goes by, he loses entire blocks of it. Things go dark and when he comes out of the darkness it takes a moment for him to remember again where he is. He starts up and the pain in his hip reminds him of why he is there. He didn't mean to lose time – he knows it is running out, and he knows what he needs to do next before anything else.

The tracking device.

His attempts at gouging it out didn't work; it is firmly embedded in his hip bone. He could see it but couldn't get the knife into the bone as part of the bone had grown over it. He is sure once he has gotten rid of it the serum will repair him, but he has not thought this through enough. His body is undernourished, dehydrated. The serum can only do so much; if it has no building blocks it can do very little but help him survive. And surviving is not the same as living.

He finds his back pack and unzips it, taking out a small calibre gun fitted with a silencer that he had taken from the store room back at the bank and stares at it in the subdued lighting.

"This isn't getting the job done," he tries to tell himself. He stumbles to the bathroom, double checking that the gun is loaded, that the silencer is screwed properly in place.

In the bathroom he has already pulled the blind down, and he switches on the light. He catches sight of himself in the mirror and looks away; he really doesn't want to look. After seeing the photographs he doesn't want to see what they turned him into any more.

He undresses, shivering because despite the warm weather outside it is still tepid in the bathroom. The bath is at the side of the room with a shower attached to it and a shower door. He looks around and reaches over and takes up two towels which are on the rack. He is so sure that this is the right thing to do, that it will take hardly any time to heal.

Thinking he looks around the bathroom, then takes the mirror off the wall and leans it in the sink, working out the correct angle. He places his knife on the edge of the basin.

Gun in hand, he then climbs naked into the bath. It is slippery. He kneels but with his body in the upright position and for one second his mind asks him if it wouldn't be easier if he didn't just put the bullet in his brain.

He unpicks the sodden bandages over the wound on his hip and wrinkles his nose at the smell; there isn't just blood under the bandage.

He picks up one of the towels wads it up and bites down on it. Then he places the gun against his hip where he has gouged out the flesh. He takes a deep breath, his hand is shaking. He can feel the muzzle on his skin. He looks down and moves the barrel slightly until he gets what he thinks is the right angle and then he fires.

The thump of the bullet and the pain push him backwards and he hits the edge of the bath. Even though he has used the silencer the gun shot was still loud in the confines of the bathroom and it makes his ears ring. The pain is indescribable, and he nearly passes out. He kneels, in agony, trying to take deep breathes even though he is still biting hard on the towel to stop the scream welling up inside him . He looks down at the mess he has created and the smell and shock make him gag and he finds himself moving forward and being sick. He can smell burnt bone and flesh.

"Oh jesus, oh jesus." He knew it would hurt but if he had stopped to think about how much he wouldn't have had the courage to do it.

Somehow he struggles to stand up using the wall for support. He needs to get to the mirror, he is not sure how he does it but he does. He stands there unsteadily and blinking. He is trying to take deep breathes, the last thing he needs is to pass out. He looks at his reflection in the mirror and the area of his hip that he has just fired into. Using his fingers and the tip of his knife he searches the wound; the bullet is lodged into the bone. He has to clear away some of the splintered bone and marrow first. He then uses the knife to prise out the metal and behind the bullet is what is left of the device. The smashed appliance falls into the sink with a __clink__. It is completely destroyed, no longer sending out any signals, no longer giving him away.

But his brain is fast becoming the same.

The pain and shock is too much and going down hard, he falls unconscious.

 **...**

"Hello, we haven't seen much of you the last few weeks."

Steve turns around and sees Dot and smiles. "Oh, you know busy doing this and that," he says indicating to the barista that he would like to order a coffee. He also orders a sandwich and a cake.

"Do you want to sit outside?" Dot asks, and offers to bring it out to him when it is ready.

Steve usually sits in the same seat every time, not through deliberation it just seems to be the one he heads to. He is a creature of habit, Tony has told him that a million times. __You need to spice your life up a bit, do something unexpected, live a little...heck, live a lot! Surprise us!__

Dot brings his food and drink out five minutes later and then leaves him in peace to enjoy the sandwich.

As he gets up to go she trots outside to bring someone else's food and whilst she is there loads her tray with Steve's empty plate and cup. Being Steve Rogers, he naturally helps.

"Did your friend catch up with you the other day?" she asks as she is clearing away and Steve frowns to say he doesn't understand.

"Friend?"

"Yes, he missed you in the park and was hoping you would come out again." Steve shakes his head.

"No, did he have a name?"

This time it is Dot's turn to shake her head. "No but he seems a nice guy. Looks unwell though, apparently he suffers from migraines. Um, longish brown hair, polite, um always wears a jacket and...oh gloves as well. I wondered if he has a skin allergy as he is always covered up even on hot days." And when Steve hears the description his stomach falls and his heart starts to beat faster. Dot sees the seriousness of what she has said written on Steve's face. "Oh Lord, I did wrong didn't I?" she asks.

"In what way?"

"Well I told him you were living at the tower..." her voice shows her worry and Steve wants to put her at ease, persuade her she didn't do the wrong thing.

"It sounds like an old army buddy of mine. Was he about my height and dark hair you said. Did he say anything else?"

"No, but...I'll be honest: he looks so unwell I was worried about him. He's come here quite a few times but the last time was four days ago and he looked, well, he just looked awful."

Steve reaches into his pocket and pulls a card out of his wallet, passes it to Dot."If you see him again will you phone me as soon as you can? Or even ask him to phone me, give him the card? Tell him I really need to see him?" he asks and she takes the card and nods.

Bucky. It has to be Bucky. He is here in New York. How the hell does he track him down? He was going to return to the tower but now, now he feels unsettled, as if he is wasting time - time that could be used to bring his friend home.

His first thought is to ring Sam and he gets out his phone but then stops. What does he say? It could be that the man is someone entirely different, nothing to do with Bucky. He finds himself walking around the city instead looking at everyone as they walk by him. He realises how idiotic he is being. He isn't going to find him by just wandering around. He needs a plan. He is not yet ready to return to the tower, not ready to sit and do nothing. He finds he is just a few blocks from his apartment. He should see if there is any post. He has been trying to avoid going back there for as long as he can because it is so empty there but now he finds himself unlocking the door to the building. He checks his pigeon-hole; there are a few envelopes for him, a utility bill overdue. He puts them in his pocket and turns to go but something makes him decide that whilst he is here he should really check the apartment, make sure everything is okay, maybe pick up a few items to take back with him. He makes his way up to the floor on which he lives.

The moment he unlocks the door and opens it he knows there is something wrong. Sam had arranged for the apartment to be professionally cleaned so he shouldn't still be able to smell blood. There is also some other underlying smell, like rotting meat. Maybe he left food in the kitchen that has gone off? Yet the cleaning firm would have picked that up when they were here.

It is mid-afternoon and a narrow shaft of sunlight is streaming into the living room where the curtains have been pulled almost closed and he can see the dust motes in the air.

He glances into the kitchen and frowns when he sees the mess. Cereal scattered and trodden on, a carton of long life milk almost destroyed, lying on its side with the contents pooling on the surface of the kitchen top. A cupboard open, a glass of water and a box of Advil lying next to it. He is tempted to call the police or even Sam...but first he wants to find out what is happening.

The door to the bedroom is closed. He goes to open it but finds it won't budge. He pushes against it again then knocks.

"Hey, anyone in there?" Then to himself: "Of course there is Rogers, don't be so stupid." He puts his shoulder and his whole weight against the door and it starts to give. As he pushes his way in he can see someone has put one of the dining room chairs under the handle, barricading themselves in.

The noise he made was tremendous and yet in the bedroom no one moves. The smell here is terrible. Blood, infection, and urine. He can see someone is lying in his bed. The curtains are drawn but there is enough light to see who it is.

It is James Barnes.

 _ _The__ __Winter Soldier__.

Bucky.

Steve stops for a moment, heart thumping but not because he is afraid. He looks around but sees no danger. The room is hot and airless and he can hear the rasping breath of someone trying to breathe, a sound he knows all to well. The first thing he does is open the curtains a bit and nudge the window open. The curtains begin to flutter in the gentle breeze. He can see a bit better now.

The Soldier is lying curled up on his right side on the bed, naked. Most of the bed clothes are on the floor. Underneath him you would think the sheet is red and black, but it was once white. The terrible colours are blood and Steve doesn't want to think of what else.

Looking at the Soldier he can see how intrusive the metal arm is and the terrible scarring around the plates that hold it to his body. He can also see other scarring and as he gets closer he realises the Soldier has lost a lot of weight since he last saw him.

The Soldier is still. His body is flushed pink from the heat it is generating, and yet his lips are grey, there are black circles under his closed eyes. Steve can see he is clutching something to his chest, it is something material. He walks closer and he realises that what Bucky is holding is one of Steve's grey tee shirts. It is the one that Steve keeps tucked under his pillow to sleep in.

Steve is finding it difficult to breath because of the smell and his eyes are smarting but he draws closer. A fly buzzes angry at being disturbed and Steve bats it away. He kneels at the bedside and puts his hand out and touches the man's left shoulder. The metal is warm, slick. The soldier's hair is greasy and wet from sweat. Sweat is dribbling down his chest. The wheezing sound is the Soldier trying to breath.

His eyes are drawn to a terrible wound on the Soldier's left hip: gaping, angry flesh. Discoloured. It looks as if he has been shot and Steve can see the colour of bone through the distended flesh, splinters of bone poke out of the damage. The wound is still oozing and is what has bled so heavily onto the sheets. He looks over onto the Soldier's back but there is no exit wound, although the area that corresponds is black with bruising.

"Buck? Buck can you hear me?" His voice is soft. "Buck...what the hell happened?"

The Soldier's eyes flicker as he struggles to open them and Steve gently pushes Bucky's hair away from his face. The eyes, when they open, are bloodshot, the whites yellowed.

He tries to move and Steve can see his body tense, the panic in his eyes. He tries to say something.

"No Bucky don't move, don't move!" He lays his hand on Bucky's arm and gets closer. "It's me, its Steve."

The words are so low he barely hears them. "Don't take me back."

"No one will take you back. You're safe now." Steve finds there is a lump in his throat, the words had such desperation in them. He can't even begin to think of what James Barnes has been through the last seventy years.

But there is no further response from the Soldier. He has fallen unconscious once more and the room is filled with the terrible rasping noise.

Steve takes a moment to sit back on his heels. Bucky needs a doctor, but all doctors have to report gun wounds. He cannot take him to the emergency room. He stands up and gets his phone out and looks at it. Then dials. If there is one person who is likely to know a doctor it is Natasha.

"Nat, I need your help but I need you to keep it between you and me. No one else. Not even Sam," he looks around the room. Where does he begin?

 **...**

God almighty, talk about having mixed feelings. Even a year ago she would not have done this for anyone, and yet here she is not only with a struck off doctor next to her but going to save the life of her worst nightmare. "Steve, you owe me more than big time," she murmurs and the doctor turns to look at her.

Steve Rogers means a lot to her – in an entirely platonic way - well, she argues, almost as much as Clint of course but that goes without saying. And then theres Nick Fury. She has never had friends before that would die for her and she knows Steve Rogers would if he had to. Friendship and loyalty are becoming big issues in Nat's life, ones she doesn't mind having to deal with, it's just she doesn't always know __how__ to deal with it. The people she is now with, the Avengers, are a mixed bunch but they all believe in the same thing and for their friendship they expect nothing from her for it, and that took time to get used to. Someone has always wanted something from her. There has always been a price to pay.

When she enters the apartment with her doctor her heart is hammering and she has her gun tucked under her shirt and a knife in her boot. She would never trust the Winter Soldier. Never. But she does trust Steve.

He is there to meet them.

"This way," he says but it's not necessary - Nat can already smell the blood. She doesn't know if she wants to see, wants to get that involved. But she cannot help her curiosity and she follows Steve into the bedroom and stands at the end of the bed as the doctor crouches down next to the wounded man.

She expected to feel fear, hatred, but what she feels is pity for the son of a bitch. Steve has tried to clean the wound as much as he can and has wiped down the Soldier's body with a cool cloth. He has attempted to get him to drink water but without any luck. He has also moved the Soldier on to his back with two pillows under his head. His body is covered in bruises, cuts, and scrapes but it is the scarring that makes her breathe in deeply. She has scars of her own. Deep below the surface. He is in a bad way: his ribs are showing, the terrible wound on his hip, his flesh is mottled, pink and grey in places. Large black bags under his eyes which as the doctor peers into she sees are blood flecked.

This is her nightmare made human, and it is a pitiable sight.

Steve cannot stay still and she catches his arm and pulls him to stand with her.

"What happened?"

Steve blows out air, lifts his hands in a __search-me__ gesture. "Sounds crazy but I think he shot himself," he says and she frowns. He takes her into the bathroom and she sees the state of the bath, the gun lying on the floor, the bloodied knife in the sink and hand prints where he used the walls to try and help him walk.

Nat goes over to the sink and picks up the two bloodied bits of metal. One is a bullet but then she recognises in part what the second one is.

"Tracking device," she says showing it to Steve and it becomes clear.

"Why didn't he come to me?" Steve says, knowing the answer already from what Dot had said. He had tried.

They go back to the bedroom together. The doctor Natasha has brought is a good one; a man struck off in his own country for doing the right thing. They cannot tell him about the serum in the Winter Soldier's blood stream but he can see with his own eyes this is no ordinary human. He knows Natasha well; she saved his life helped him come to this country where he now works as a qualified vet of all things.

"We need to clean up his surroundings. The wound has got infected, badly infected, the flesh around it is festering. I need to cut some of it away so I need a sterile place..." He looks at Steve, "and I'm guessing we cannot take him anywhere else? I don't think moving him would be a good idea anyway." He sighs. In truth he has worked in far worse conditions before.

He gives Nat a list of things he needs from his practice, gives her his keys and sends her away to fetch them. He gives Steve the job of coming up with clean bedding, towelling and an area he can work in to try and save the Soldier.

It takes them over five solid hours and when he has finally finished the Soldier is in a clean bed, is more comfortable. Natasha has gone to fetch food for them to eat and the doctor is clearing away his tools of the trade. He has even been able to put Bucky on a drip to try and help with the dehydration. He sees Steve looking at the tools.

"You're lucky I deal with large animals as well as small," he says and smiles, and Steve nods. He cannot help but like and respect the man; Nat told him the doctor's story and he is happy for Bucky to be in such safe hands.

"I owe you," Steve says and shakes hands with the man as if sealing a deal. The doctor continues to put his implements away "That arm of his is an amazing piece of technology and going by the red star I would say it is Russian. Would I be right?" For a moment Steve hesitates - but then finally nods.

"Your own story is amazing as well," the doctor says, looking at him. "I have heard it of course as everyone else has but Natasha has told me a little more. I have been in this country more than fifteen years now and yet you Americans still find ways of surprising me," and he smiles; it is a compliment he is paying Steve.

Steve smiles back and the doctor can see how tired he is. "I don't even know your name," Steve says to him realising he has been so wrapped up in Bucky he didn't even ask

"Ales Novak."

Steve holds out his hand and shakes hands again with Ales. "Thank you, sir."

 **...**

It is late. Nat has left taking Ales with her but he has promised to visit the next day to see how his patient is doing. Bucky's breathing is better. He has a drip feeding into his right arm. Ales has cleaned the wound, he needed to remove parts of bone that had splintered and when he fretted about the damage Steve tried to reassure him that Bucky's body would heal. He also had to snip parts of the diseased flesh away and then sew up the remaining flaps. He has given Bucky antibiotics and pain killers and covered the wound.

Ales and Natasha had persuaded Steve to eat, and Nat knows he will not move from Bucky's side so she had also pulled a comfy armchair into the bedroom and placed it next to the bed.

"You know me so well," Steve had said. She has also persuaded Steve to allow her to tell Sam about the Winter Soldier but they have agreed not to tell anyone else. Nat will tell Tony that Steve is just sorting some things out at his apartment so will be staying there for the next few days.

He is glad now that it is just he and Bucky left. Bucky is no longer unconscious but he is in a deep sleep and every so often his body twitches. When he does, Steve leans forward and places his hand on Bucky's arm and tells him everything is all right. He doesn't know if Bucky can hear him but he doesn't want him thinking he is alone. Ales had said that the wound was at least several days old which means Bucky was here alone and in pain all of that time... _ _and the rest__ Steve murmurs to himself – __over seventy years in total.__

Despite his worry, Steve also needs to sleep and so he pulls a blanket over and props his feet up on the bed and closes his eyes.

 **...**

It is past 3am when a noise wakes him. He sits up abruptly and immediately looks to the bed and Bucky. The Soldier is moving, trying to wake, trying to get up.

"Hey no, don't. You need to stay still. Don't worry, you're safe." He keeps his voice gentle, soft, nonthreatening and is rewarded by Bucky focusing on him, his body seeming to relax.

"I know you," his voice is rough, croaky and his eyes roam Steve's face.

"I should hope so," Steve says smiling. "You need to rest, you're in a bit of a bad way..."

"The transmitter..." Bucky suddenly says, tensing again.

Steve holds up his hand. "It's gone, you're okay, you're with friends."

Bucky cannot stop blinking; he is so tired, his eyes feel as if they are full of grit and he is convinced he is dreaming. He looks back at Steve.

"Stay with me until I'm asleep," he says, fearful the apparition will fade as the Howling Commandos had.

Steve moves to sit on the edge of the bed and Bucky leans back against the pillow. Steve watches him and then smiles, reaches forward without thinking and tucks Bucky's hair behind his ear.

"Hey didn't I tell you I'm with you till the end of the line..." And he sees Bucky's eyes widen, sees him swallow. "Never seen you with such long hair though. Can't decide if it suits you or not," Steve smiles that special smile of his.

Bucky puts his own hand on Steve's face as if trying to prove he is real, draws his finger down the side and Steve turns slightly and kisses the palm. The gesture is so personal, so intimate, it is as if they had never been parted. Taking Bucky's hand he puts it back down on the cover.

"Go to sleep, that's an order. I'm just here and I won't be moving, you're safe. I won't let anyone take you."

It is one order the Winter Soldier is happy to follow. He looks at the man beside him, he has found him at last. Bucky feels safe, he feels warm inside and it has been such a long time since he has felt that way.

Steve watches him fall asleep, studies his face. He has such mixed emotions. Who is this man? Is he Bucky Barnes or is he the Winter Soldier? Or is he a hybrid of the two? If so how does he cope with him? How does he bring him back into society?

He gets up, stretches and then sits back down in the chair. So many questions and they can all wait. For now they both need to sleep. And thats an order __he__ is also happy to follow.


	79. Chapter 79 - Rogers Meets The Soldier

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Seventy-Nine :**** ** **Steve Rogers Meets The Winter Soldier****

How do you approach a wounded animal? How do you break past that barrier of distrust? The fear that makes the animal bare its teeth?

You put your hand out and it bites you; you feed it and it eats so fast it makes itself sick.

It's bad enough when it's a wounded animal. How do you do this when the animal is a person? A person whom you love?

Steve thought it was going to be so simple. Bucky had accepted his help so readily last night, had allowed them to work on his wounds and care for him, but this morning? This morning the Winter Soldier is awake and the look in his eyes is not a pretty one.

Bucky awoke not knowing where he was – only that he is in pain. He looks up and sees he is attached to a drip and the first thing he thinks is that he is back at the compound, back where they had him and panic overtook. Steve had been asleep in the chair and woke when he heard a tremendous crash.

"Christ!" His hand is on his chest, his heart pounding from the shock the noise gave his heart. Bucky has fallen and is on the floor scrabbling to get up; the whimpering coming from him is heartbreaking. A mixture of the word no and a keening.

He has pulled the drip out of his arm but has fallen on his hip and is in agony; the stitches have burst where they hit the ground and he is trying desperately to get up, using the bed clothes as leverage, but as he pulls at them they slip and send him to the ground again and again.

Steve rises fast, meaning to take hold of him, to help him back into the bed but Bucky kicks out, shuffles back until he hits the bedside cabinet. His eyes are wild, frantic, looking for a way out and it stops Steve in his tracks. __Shit,__ he thinks.

"Buck? Buck, it's all right. You're safe." But the wild look in Bucky's eyes doesn't ease; they roam the room, trying to see a way past Steve to get out, to run.

Steve holds his hands out, trying to appear non-threatening. He backs off to give Bucky space, crouches down and he can see blood blossoming on Bucky's left hand side, sees the utter panic and wide eyes.

"Hey come on Buck, you're safe, you know me, I won't hurt you." And Steve once again shows him his hands are empty, tries to smile.

Bucky's feet are scrabbling for purchase on the carpet and he turns sideways, still watching Steve. He uses the night stand to get himself up. Steve also stands, very slowly, hands still out, but as he does he hears another noise in the other room and Bucky hears it too.

Voices.

Before Steve can think of calling out, Bucky growls and comes at him in an attack. It is all Steve can do to protect his face as the metal arm comes out swinging and catches his left arm which he has brought up to protect his face and then Bucky is running.

He doesn't get far. Natasha Romanoff brings him down with a single hard punch to the face.

"Well I'd say that went well," she says drily, shaking her fist. __Hell that hurt both of us!__ she thinks.

Ales had been standing behind her and now comes to the front to see to the injured man who is out cold. Sam also peers around Nat, first at Steve, and then down at the floor.

"Well hello to you to, nice to finally meet you," he smiles at the prone man. He looks back at Steve. "Nice friends you have, Steve. So welcoming!"

Steve ignores him and angrily turns to Nat. "You didn't have to hit him!"

"You're welcome," she says, stepping over Bucky to crouch down next to the doctor. "Will he be okay?"

Ales is busy checking his patient over and quickly surmises that a few of the stitches will need resewing. He nods "Maybe not hit him __so__ hard next time...you've broken his nose...he's pulled the drip out, but the cannula is still in there. Can you help me get him back on the bed?"

Sam takes Bucky under the arms whilst Steve lifts his legs. "Christ, what is it with you Super Soldiers that has to weigh so damn much?" Sam murmurs and helps put Bucky back on the bed. He looks at Steve and sees the worry in his face. He touches Steve's shoulder. "He'll be okay."

"You didn't see him. He was like some...wounded animal," Steve murmurs, not taking his eyes of Bucky's face.

"Steve look at me. C'mon man, look at me." Finally Steve turns to him. "Take it from a guy who's seen too much PTSD in his life. He _ _is__ a wounded animal. He __will__ lash out at anything that causes him panic, and you are gonna to have to give him time," and Steve knows Sam is right, Sam __knows__ what he is talking about.

Steve pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes and rubs them. Then he looks up and sighs. He watches Natasha looking at Bucky. There is a real mix of emotions on her face.

She is __remembering__. Remembering the times she has faced the Winter Soldier before. When she came into the apartment and walked into the living room the sight that met her for one moment had her startled and then she lashed out as the wounded animal she herself is deep down. It was __him.__ The look in his eyes, the bared teeth. He would have killed them all in a moment. She knows she has to tell Steve. Bucky Barnes isn't just Bucky, he __is__ the Winter Soldier as well and Steve must remember that – they all need to remember that.

Steve hates to do it, but Bucky's right hand is now handcuffed to the bed frame. They have made him as comfortable as they can. His nose is broken, his eyes blackened from the punch, and he will be sore when he wakes. There are new stitches in the wound on his hip.

He and Nat talk quietly in the living room, trying to come up with a plan. Ales hasn't put Bucky back on a drip as now he is conscious Steve should be able to persuade him to eat and drink. He has left a list of foods he thinks will be the best for him to have until he is better. Sam has offered to take the doctor home and to pick up supplies on the way back.

 **...**

Bucky Barnes is awake but silent. He can hear two people talking in the next room. He looks at his right hand and its handcuff chaining him to the bed. Looks around the room. Closes his eyes. He is in Steve's apartment, he is hurt; his face hurts like God knows what. He vaguely remembers panic in his chest when he awoke. He had seen the drip, thought he was back in the medical compound, thought Hydra had him back in their clutches. Looking at the handcuff he knows he had lashed out. Sees an image of a redhead punching him in the face and that is the last he remembers. Now he is staying quiet, listening to the conversation in the other room. It is about him.

"I'm not leaving him chained up for the rest of his life," Steve says. The reply comes from a woman.

"I'm not saying that, Steve. But you have to know. You have to __realise__ how dangerous he is." Natasha looks at the floor, trying to reorganise her thoughts.

"I've gone up against a lot of enemies in the past. Some have nearly killed me. But I've never been __frightened__ of them. Three times I've met the Winter Soldier and every time he has terrified me, I mean gut wrenching cold terror, christ I even have nightmares about him. And when I came in here earlier that is who was there in front of me, not Bucky, not your friend...it was him, it was the Soldier and I would have killed him if I had the chance...he...is...dangerous."

She is only being honest.

"I know that Nat, but this is Bucky. I know he is in there. I got through to him the last time and I can get through to him again." And the pure agony in Steve's voice makes Bucky's eyes tear up. He was wrong to come here; the woman is right. He is a danger to everyone, he cannot always control the Soldier inside of him, hell, there are times he doesn't even know that the Soldier has woken up. He has black spots. He has spent seventy years killing people. During that time there must have been ways he could have escaped Hydra, there must have been ways he could have stopped himself from taking those lives. But he didn't. And what does that make him? What does that say about Bucky Barnes?

If he stays he won't just be a danger to Steve; he will tarnish him, take away his innocence, and as he thinks that he sees the young Steve Rogers, the one he first met. The innocent. He feels the way he felt then when looking at the kid on the ground with the bloody nose, the warm feeling in the pit of his stomach, the need to want this kid to like him, to want him in his life.

And Bucky feels so tired. He feels so old. The voices now have stopped talking about him, they have dropped to murmurs and the lull of them and the tiredness he feels, makes him sleep.

 **...**

"Wheres my backpack?" Is Bucky's first question.

"Which Bucky am I talking to now?" Steve asks in return. He is stood in the doorway, arms folded, a steel look in his eyes. __Don't mess with me.__

Bucky is lying on the bed with a pillow under his head, two glorious black eyes courtesy of Natasha, right hand cuffed to the frame still. Steve can feel the heat from his body, see a trickle of sweat run down his throat. It makes Steve swallow and he tries not to let the effect Bucky is having on him show in his face.

Bucky looks at Steve and the saddest smile comes to his face. "Your mother's name is Sarah. You used to fill the inside of your shoes with newspaper. Where's my goddamn backpack?"

And his words make Steve smile and Bucky feels as if he could bask in the glow until the end of all time. He watches as Steve ducks his head in such a familiar way and he knows, just knows Steve will look up at him so shyly.

"It's safe..." and Steve watches as Bucky chews his lip; he can see it worries him not to know where it is but he can see Bucky realises he is not going to tell him where it is because with it he can leave and Steve isn't having that.

"Lunch?" Steve says and Bucky studies him for a moment and then nods.

"I could eat a horse."

He listens as Steve pads back to the kitchen and hears plates being moved around and his shoulders slump. He has to get Steve to trust him, has to get him to release him. Then he can leave. And he feels a pit open in his stomach because he doesn't want to leave, he wants to stay with Steve, he feels he is home but Hydra will never give him up and when they come for him he doesn't want Steve to be there, doesn't want Steve in that type of danger. The woman was right, goddamn her, he is too much of a problem, too dangerous. What if the Winter Soldier goes after Steve? What if he hurts him? What if he kills him?

Bucky Barnes could never live with that. Easier if he just walks away now. For everyone.

Steve comes in with a tray, soup and bread and Bucky can smell the food and it makes him realise just how hungry he is. Steve puts the tray on the bedside table and Bucky lifts his right hand as much as he can and rattles the handcuffs.

"No chance," Steve grins.

Bucky frowns. "How am I supposed to eat?" He watches as Steve picks up the bowl and spoon in alarm. "No way, no way are you feeding me!"

"Why not? You fed me enough times."

"That was different."

"How?"

"You were sick."

"And you're wounded..." Steve smiles at him with such a wicked look in his eyes. "Besides which I'm going to enjoy this." And Bucky actually feels his cheeks flush.

Steve scoops some soup onto the spoon and holds it in front of Bucky. For a second he doesn't think his friend is going to respond but then he sees resignation in his eyes and he opens his mouth and Steve feeds him the soup. He sits on the edge of the bed, tearing chunks out of the bread and soon he can see Bucky is full. He persuades him to drink some water and gives him pain killers. Ales had come by earlier to check on the stitches but Bucky is repairing well.

The toilet breaks are more difficult. He has to un-cuff Bucky, walk him to the bathroom and re-cuff him on the metal pipes of the cistern. Bucky is only wearing boxers. With one cuffed hand it can make things difficult and Bucky grumbles each time. Steve turns his back but won't leave the bathroom itself; he just doesn't trust him. Both of them are well aware of the fact that Bucky could actually break the handcuffs just by reaching across and pulling with his metal hand but somehow Steve knows he will not do that; it is almost as if Bucky is using the handcuffing as an excuse for remaining where he is. But he also knows that one day Bucky will try and leave and that is what he is watching for.

He realises that Bucky has said something to him and without thinking turns around to be confronted with a smirk.

"Huh?"

"I said you wanna help me here?" Bucky looks down and Steve's eyes follow. What he sees makes him blush and Bucky laughs knowing full well it would be Steve's response. He colours up, and turns back around hastily.

"I'll take that as a no then," and Steve listens as he uses the facilities. But part of him smiles to himself; that is the old Bucky's sense of humour coming into play. Part of him can't help but wish he had stepped forward to __help__ and he remonstrates with himself. He can feel the old tug of wanting Bucky Barnes and it makes his heart beat faster and he feels a stirring within himself.

 **...**

That night is a bad one.

Sam has gotten hold of a camp bed for Steve to use so he can sleep in the same room as Bucky whilst being more comfortable than in the chair. Bucky has slept a large part of the day, but had grown more fractious as the day wore on, complaining about the handcuff hurting, refusing to eat anything Steve offered him for dinner. Would not even take the pain killers although he agreed to take the antibiotics. He had sneered at Steve as he took them.

"Sooner I'm better, the sooner I'm out of here...after all, there's nothing to wait around here for is there." He had said it all deliberately, trying to hurt Steve, trying to get a rise out of him. But why? Even the Winter Soldier cannot answer that one. Bucky's subconscious is thinking if he can get Steve to hate him it will be easier to leave.

Steve is lying in the dark listening to Bucky's breathing and that is when he notices the murmuring. He can hear Bucky shift around in bed. He puts the lamp on and moves to sit on the edge of the bed. Bucky is streaming with sweat, his face is a grimace and he is talking, begging them not to do something to him. His words are desperate. Steve's heart goes out to him. Every so often his body will jump and Steve can see the handcuff is impeding Bucky and so he releases him, lays his hand on the bed.

"No don't," Bucky murmurs and Steve strokes his hair.

"It's okay Buck, you're safe, its okay." But whatever nightmare Hydra is holding him is a serious one. He is on his back now, his hand clenched, one hand comes up as if scrabbling to get away from something and the mewling coming from him is beyond awful. He tosses and turns and Steve needs to help him, take him out of what ever he is trapped in.

"Hey, Buck, it's okay." Steve places his hand on his shoulder and shakes him. Bucky's eyes open and there is such a terrified look in them that Steve gasps. He struggles to sit up and then he sees Steve and Steve sees the change in his eyes, sees Bucky's need for him, for his touch.

"Steve?" his voice is so quiet, so desperate.

Without thinking Steve takes him in his arms, holds him close. He can feel the thud of Bucky's heart and then Bucky is sobbing, loud, uncoordinated sobs. He rocks him slowly, strokes his hair, talks to him until he can feel a calmness come over his friend.

Bucky pulls away but Steve remains where he is. Bucky wipes his nose with his hand as a child would, wipes his brow with his arm. To give him time to compose himself Steve gets up, goes to the window and opens it further to let more of a breeze into the room. Grabs a tissue, gives it to Bucky, and then sits back down.

They are both quiet for a moment.

"Bad one?" Steve says. Bucky is quiet for a moment and then nods.

"They cut off my arm. I lost half of it when I fell, but they cut the rest off...gave me a drug so I couldn't move but I was awake, I could feel, they skinned it, just like an animal, then they began cutting and even now I can still feel the blade cutting in..." and Bucky's eyes are drawn back into the memory, wincing, shuddering. He jumps as the unwanted bone is snapped off and he goes to call out a name, only it is not Steve's, but he can't say that name, daren't say that name and instead he weeps again whilst Steve reaches out to hold him.

By the end of the memory Bucky is almost asleep and Steve settles him down but he won't let go of Steve's hand. He looks up at him, a look of utter helplessness in those beautiful eyes.

"Hold me..." his voice is soft. Steve hesitates. "Please Steve...I...I need you," and with that Steve cannot refuse him. He moves onto the bed and pulls him into an embrace and tells him to sleep.

As Bucky falls asleep a voice speaks to him, hushed, _"_ _ _I'll let you keep him for now, we need him...but when we don't..."__ and Bucky's heart lurches as he hears the threat in the Winter Soldier's voice. Steve feels him jump slightly and kisses his forehead. "Go to sleep, you're safe."

He does not understand Bucky's sleepy response: "But you're not."

 **...**

Steve watches as Bucky prowls around the apartment. It is his first day up and out of bed and he is wearing a set of Steve's clothes. Steve will still not tell him where he has stashed his backpack. When he had seen it down by the bed he had unzipped and looked into it but that is as far as he went, what was in there was personal. He had stowed it safely in his wardrobe but when Bucky started asking for it Steve could hear in Bucky's voice how important it is to him and realised he wouldn't leave whilst Steve had it. So he hid it.

Living with Bucky is like being on a seesaw. One moment he is sure the old Bucky is there, but then the next minute the new Bucky comes into play and it will take a while to work him out. He has only seen the Winter Soldier once to his knowledge but sometimes he is sure Bucky is looking at him as a cat would look at a mouse before it pounces. At those times he thinks he knows what the Winter Soldier must look like to his targets. Cold, unforgiving, and without mercy.

When Steve had woken the next morning it was to find Bucky curled up into him. He could feel the warmth of him, smell him and if he closed his eyes he could almost believe they were back in 1941, just the two of them before all of this had happened. Before they knew what the world really held for them. He has to admit, looking down at the sleeping face, that he wants to kiss Bucky awake, wants to run his hands over his body, learn about the new scarring so that when he touches it is not such a shock to him.

 _ _Jesus Rogers.__ He is supposed to be looking after this fragmented, vulnerable person and all he can think of is shagging him. He's like a lovestruck teenager all over again.

He must have moved because Bucky stirs and Steve holds his breath until he feels Bucky settles back. He decides ten more minutes in bed won't harm and he closes his eyes. But Bucky isn't the only one remembering and Steve cannot help the way his thoughts meander and end up back at Bucky. They spent so much time together; their lives were so intermingled.

He remembers the time he had loved Bucky but had not been brave enough to tell him, to confront him.

When Bucky stayed over, they would both sleep in the double bed, Steve on the right, Bucky on the left.

 _ _One night Steve had been on the cusp of sleeping when he heard Bucky say his name.__

" _ _Stevie? You asleep?" He felt the mattress dip as Bucky moved to see if Steve was truly asleep. He didn't utter a word, pretended that he was.__

 _ _Bucky had laid back down and after a few minutes he had then felt Bucky move. It took a few seconds to realise what he was doing and when Steve realised he could feel the burn in his cheeks. Bucky was masturbating.__

 _ _He could hear his breathing, how it was getting faster, deeper, feel the small movements because he knew Bucky didn't want to wake him. His own body though was responding and he felt his cock harden as he listened to the muffled groans that every so often slipped from Bucky's mouth. He began to think of the feel of Bucky's strong hand, the sweat he knew would be on his forehead, on his top lip, the hardness of Bucky's solid cock as he worked on it and then the long drawn out groan as Bucky came but tried to keep silent, tried not to move. But Steve had heard the one thing he wanted to: his name on Bucky's lips as he came.__

 _ _The next day was the day he chose to confront Bucky with his true feelings. Bucky had stood up to leave and Steve had been so frightened he had lost him.__

Even now so many years later he can remember the sick feeling he had when he thought he had got it so wrong.

" _ _Buck?" Steve sat up.__

" _ _I...I've gotta be getting home...promised my old man I would help him with something," and Bucky had moved to the door to leave, had refused to look at Steve.__

" _ _Buck?" Steve could see that Bucky meant to leave, but he can't let him, can't let the conversation end like this, can't lose him.__

 _ _He had scrambled off the bed and to the door, pushing it shut and standing in front of it. Bucky stopped in front of him.__

" _ _Aww, come on," Bucky had said quietly, had finally looked at Steve and Steve could see Bucky wanted to reach out and touch him. He had instead closed his eyes, shaking his head in that way that he does.__

" _ _We can't," he had said so quietly and it was Steve who had to take charge, Steve who had to tell him they could.__

 _ _It was Steve that set Bucky free.__

" _ _We shouldn't," Bucky had whispered as he had leant forward and kissed Steve for the first time.__

And now, seventy years later, Steve looks down at the sleeping Bucky and his whole body aches for the need of him. He closes his eyes. He wants to make love to him, to taste him just as he had once upon a time so long ago. He wants to heal him, wants to never let him go.

He opens his eyes, looks at the ceiling and his hand wants to touch himself, wants to pretend...

He feels Bucky stir, feels him come awake, feels him move away. He turns his head to look at him and starts to move away himself but then realises he needs to stay covered just for a moment so that Bucky cannot see the affect he has had on his sleeping partner.

"You took off the cuffs?" Bucky says turning to look at Steve. Curious to wonder why Steve is red-faced and his eyes cannot stay on Bucky's own.

Steve clears his throat but his voice still sounds weak to him. "You were having a nightmare, I didn't want you to hurt yourself," and Steve watches as Bucky's left hand takes his right one and gently runs around the wrist where it is sore. Bucky sees him looking, hesitates for a second and then holds his left hand out.

Steve without saying anything takes it in his hands, turns it over and runs his fingers along the back of of the metal, then turns it back over and does the same on the metal palm. Bucky moves slightly and Steve looks at him.

"That tickles," Bucky smiles.

"You can feel with it?" Steve asks able to move freely now his attention has been diverted and is no longer on other parts of Bucky's anatomy.

Bucky nods and Steve runs the fingers over the palm again and Bucky laughs "Get off." He takes his hand back and uses his right hand to run his own fingers over the palm.

"I feel everything," he says softly, and then looks at Steve and smiles again. The smile is a sad one and Steve knows he is not just talking about his hand.

"Do I need to cuff you again?" Steve asks, serious again.

Bucky looks at him, studies his face, he runs his hand through his hair and makes a face. "Not for now, especially as I think I need a shower."

Steve sits for a moment. He wants to tell Bucky how he feels, tell him that he will always protect him that he is no longer alone but he can't. Now is not the right time.

"Well, you know where the bathroom is. I'll put some breakfast on," Steve says, standing up. Bucky nods trying not to show his disappointment that Steve did not offer to help.

What did he expect? Roses?

There is one more thing though he needs to ask Steve, but he doesn't want to beg.

"My backpack Steve...I...I need it," he says and Steve can see in his eyes that there is something else at play.

"If I give it to you, you have to promise you won't leave," he says.

Bucky looks at the floor, bites his lip in that oh-so-familiar way. He looks back at Steve and nods and then he breaks Steve's heart: "It belongs to me. It's the only thing I have."

"Oh Buck," Steve comes forward and puts his hand on Bucky's shoulder. He crouches down. "Is that what you think? It's __not__ the only thing Buck...you have me," he says and leans forward and kisses his forehead.

Bucky looks at Steve, looks into his eyes. He so wants to believe Steve, wants Steve to take him in his arms again and show him but then the voice interrupts, reminding him of who he is.

 _ _No one is that good, no one is that innocent. He wants you because you are an asset, that is all you are to people, and don't forget it!__

"No, you're wrong," Bucky murmurs looking away and Steve thinks he is talking to him.

Steve reaches out and touches Bucky's face and Bucky looks back at him. He doesn't know how to convince this poor creature that he is loved.

"You will always have me," he says and the look in his eyes makes the Winter Soldier feel sick inside. No it isn't possible, no one could love a monster, no one except...and a flash of someone else's face comes to mind and he feels such an empty space in him but he also feels anger. How dare this man make him feel this way? How dare he make him feel weak?

Steve sees the flash of temper, a flash of the Winter Soldier. He knows the Soldier is there inside Bucky, he knows sometimes that the Soldier is mocking him as if he is telling Steve that Bucky belongs to him and not Steve. He shows himself through Bucky – hiding his true face but letting his eyes show. Steve feels something harden inside him, there is a flash of his own temper. He wants to tell the Soldier that if it is a fight he wants then he will get one. Steve Rogers does have a dark side - it is his need and love for Bucky Barnes, he will __not__ lose him again, __ever.__

Steve leans forward into Bucky's space.

"You belong to me..." He sees Bucky's eyes widen. "You are mine and if I have to prove that to you I will, make no mistake. I'm not the weakling you think I am, I will fight for you no matter what."

They stay still looking at each other for what seems like forever and then Steve stands.

"I'll get your backpack," he says, turns and leaves the room leaving Bucky sat biting his lip.

"I'm not alone," he says quietly, but the voice hasn't quite finished with him yet. "My dear __Bucky__ , you were never alone, you always had me," and the Winter Soldier's fist tightens until he can hear the metal groan. "You will __always__ have me."


	80. Chapter 80 - Everyone Has A Dark Side

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. There is strong sexual content in this chapter.**

 ** **Chapter Eighty:**** ** **Steve Rogers & Bucky Barnes - Everyone Has A Dark Side****

Steve watches Bucky.

The other man cannot settle. Steve is getting used to the way Bucky prowls around looking at everything, touching things. He picks things up, looks at them, and puts them down but Steve notices he hasn't looked at any of the photographs on the side. Steve stands, goes over to his record player, selects an LP, and puts it on. Soon there is gentle music playing, the songs they used to know so well and he sees that it is having an affect on Bucky. Bucky is stood still.

"You okay?" he asks, but receives no reply. Bucky stands with his back to him, a book in his hands, but Steve can see that whilst he might be looking at it, his thoughts are elsewhere.

"Hey?" Steve goes up to him, moves so he can see Bucky and Bucky is crying, large fat silent tears. He takes the book out of Bucky's hand and slowly and gently puts his right hand in Bucky's left, his arm around Bucky's waist.

"Let go," he whispers, and feels the tension drain out as Bucky begins to move with him, slowly, resting his head on Steve's shoulder. Steve can feel the tears making a wet patch on his tee shirt. He closes his eyes and allows his body to rest against Bucky's, lets the music speak for him. He feels Bucky move and opens his eyes to look at him; beautiful blue eyes into beautiful blue eyes. Steve wants him so badly, wants to lay him down on the bed, wants to make love to him. He leans forward slowly and nuzzles Bucky's neck and for a moment he feels Bucky is responding.

" _ _Tell him what you did." The Winter Soldier's voice is a sneer, and contains such hatred and contempt for himself. "Let him see what you are capable of doing to those you love," and Bucky groans. Steve feels his body tense.__

"No don't, don't make me..." Bucky's voice is quiet, and Steve believes the comment is directed at him and pulls back so that he is no longer touching Bucky.

"I didn't mean to upset you," he says, and Bucky stops moving. Steve tries to get him to look up at him but Bucky won't, he can see his lips are moving as if still having a conversation. "Buck, I won't make you do anything you don't want to," Steve says and finally Buck looks up. His eyes are a window straight into his tortured soul.

"Don't hate me."

"I could never hate you," Steve frowns, not fully understanding the sentiment behind the words.

" _ _Tell him!" The Winter Soldier dares him.__

"What makes you think I would ever hate you?" Steve asks.

" _ _Tell him!" The Winter Soldier shouts.__

"Bucky, I love you. I've always loved you. You're my life, and all this time without you has been so terrible, so..." Steve searches for the word but instead his eyes widen as the look on Bucky's face changes. His entire demeanour changes. Physically, and emotionally, he pushes Steve away from him.

"Shut up!" The Winter Soldier is angered. He needs to shut him up, needs to stop him from telling him how much he means to him. He doesn't deserve love, he doesn't deserve kindness. Bucky Barnes doesn't deserve Steven Rogers.

"I have to go..." Bucky says, and the words make Steve feel sick.

"Go? Go where? Buck, come on, I can look after you. I can protect you..."

But Bucky steps further away from him, looks at him with cold, cruel eyes. "I don't need your protection!" he spits.

Steve puts his hand out but Bucky hits it away.

"You're weak," he sneers at Steve, who is taken aback when Bucky lifts his hands and shoves him hard back against the wall.

"Buck..." But Steve doesn't get a chance to finish his sentence as Bucky steps up into his space, as he feels Bucky's body pin his to the wall; as Bucky's lips meet his - but it is not a gentle kiss and Steve tries to break the contact, tries to move, but there is such an anger in Bucky he can't. He cannot push too hard for fear Bucky will think he is pushing him away.

"You want me, huh? You want to fuck me? Come on __Steve__ , I know you do. Fuck me like the guards did. Oh, they liked me, loved me, couldn't get enough, would line up right up against the cot in my cell, hold me down, fuck me as hard as they could. You want some of that, right? Right!" His voice does not sound like Bucky's usual tone: it is hard, uncompromising.

"No Buck, wait, you've got it wrong...oh christ Buck, stop," and now Steve is almost crying. He feels Bucky's hands slide under his tee shirt and his heart starts beating fast; oh God how he has missed him. How does he react? Does Bucky __want__ this or is Steve forcing him into this? He is just so out of his depth.

It is a strange physical feeling, one soft warm hand and one hard and cold. Bucky's hands scrabble at the tee shirt and then slide underneath, searching next for the belt around Steve's jeans. He undoes it and throws it on the floor all the while pressing his mouth to Steve's, exploring him with his tongue, hurting him. Steve tries to touch Bucky back, tries to take hold of him but in a moment of anger Bucky's hands make it obvious he doesn't want to be touched. He breaks contact and looks at Steve, anger and pain in his eyes.

"You're weak," he repeats, and then clutching a handful of Steve's hair he bangs the back of Steve's head hard against the wall and uses his body to once again trap him up against the wall.

Steve cannot fight back, and if truth be known he doesn't want to. Bucky's hands return to Steve's body, to his stomach, and Steve's indrawn breath tells him that Steve wants him as he slides his hand down the front of Steve's jeans and feels the hard shaft. His other hand unzips the jeans and Steve closes his eyes as he feels Bucky take control, he can't stop him, he can't fight him and he groans as Bucky's hand begins to move up and down. It is so sudden and so unexpected that Steve cannot help himself. It takes only a few moments before he feels the pressure and then groaning he comes into Bucky's hand.

Steve's head comes forward, sweat on his brow and his eyes open as Bucky steps back. Only it is not Bucky looking at him, it is the Winter Soldier, such a cruel hard look on his face.

"So weak. So unable to control yourself." His tone is full of contempt.

Steve's stomach drops. He feels sick as Bucky turns around and walks through to the kitchen to wash his hands and Steve stumbles to the bathroom to clean himself up. He stays in there for a long time, needing to get his head around what had just happened. He knows Bucky, knows how to handle him - but this side of him is a stranger.

He looks at himself in the mirror. "You can do this." He takes a deep breath and goes into the kitchen. Bucky stands by the sink looking out of the window with his back to him, hands spread either side of him leaning on the edge of the sink. "I need to go," he says without turning around. Those words again, the ones that started this episode, this mess.

"Bucky, you don't...let me look after you. We can face this together." The exact words, but this time instead Bucky Barnes laughs and it is not a humorous laugh. It is bitter and he turns around to face Steve.

"If I don't...if I stay...I will hurt you. I will tear you apart. You won't know who you're living with...that's what I do. I hurt those I love, I kill them. I kill their love!" There is such a sadness in his voice that Steve's heart goes out to him. Bucky's shoulders are slumped and he rubs his face. He feels so tired, so alone again, so unbelievably hopeless. How can he leave Steve now he has found him? Now that Steve has told him how much he loves him?

Steve comes forward and in panic Bucky holds his hands up to keep him at a distance but Steve ignores him and moves forward this time into Bucky's space. He looks at him, searches his eyes, sees the pain there. He touches his arm and Bucky doesn't move. "I love you, Buck, I always have done and I always will. You won't hurt me, I know you... _ _I know you__."

"You don't know what I've done..." Bucky whispers - the __Winter Soldier__ whispers. Steve realises there is something that Bucky is trying to tell him. Something specific.

"Tell me..." But before he even finishes the second word Bucky is shaking his head, his face showing that he is growing angry again - but not at Steve, at himself. He nearly let Steve persuade him to stay, nearly let him in. How could he be so stupid? He will tarnish him, he will lose his innocence in being with Bucky. He will kill him and Steve's love for him just like he killed... _ _her__. He shakes his head and murmurs __no__ as he tries to flee from that memory, the one that haunts him so much.

He walks past Steve and out into the living room, picking up items on the way, and then through to the bedroom.

Steve closes his eyes for a moment. How does he get through to him?

He opens them turns and follows. "You promised me you would stay."

The Soldier laughs but again there is no humour; just a sense of condescension directed at Steve as if that is what he thinks of him. "And you think I always keep my promises?" he asks tauntingly.

He is angrily stuffing clothes into his backpack.

"To me yes."

"Well __Steve__ , meet the real me."

"I can't lose you again," Steve says quietly, and Bucky stops.

"You really think you can take me on? You really think you can cope with..." He laughs that bitter laugh again and then turns back to what he is doing.

Steve is now beginning to feel anger, allowing it to take hold from where it has been brewing for a while. Steve Rogers has always tried to keep his temper in check, only Bucky has ever seen his dark side, how things can eat away at him until they consume him. He is so afraid of losing the one person he cares for more than any other that it turns to a deep-seated anger: Anger that Bucky is going to leave, anger for all the months he has searched for him, anger for losing him in the first place.

He strides forward and snatches the backpack from Bucky's hands and throws it clear across the room.

"You think I'm weak? You really think that?" he demands, eyes blazing, and he grabs Bucky's wrist, the grip hard and unyielding. "You don't know what I have lived with since they dragged me back to life...you don't know what my thoughts have been...you don't know how hard it has been trying to find you, trying to stay focused on all that has happened...you don't know __anything!"__

He pulls Bucky to him and Bucky struggles but Steve's grip is uncompromising. "Let me go!" Bucky growls, but he isn't really talking about Steve's grip. He isn't just struggling against Steve, he is struggling against feelings that he hasn't had to deal with for so long. Steve just holds him harder, just reaches up and grasps Bucky's hair at the back and pulls his head up then leans forward to kiss him. Bucky tries to turn his head but Steve's grip won't let him.

"Let me go," he says, quieter this time as he stops struggling, as he lets Steve kiss him. It is as uncompromising as Bucky's kiss was earlier. Steve's hand lets go of his hair and instead comes around Bucky to pull him closer.

He breaks the kiss.

"I can't do this," Bucky whispers, eyes closed and Steve sees that he is surrendering but he can't be nice to him; if he shows any weakness the Winter Soldier will dominate Bucky and he needs to keep Bucky with him.

"You can, and you will."

Bucky's eyes open at the harshness in Steve's tone and he feels himself propelled backwards onto the bed. Steve follows, pinning him there, not breaking eye contact, ensuring Bucky cannot escape. The room is quiet; all they can hear is each other's breathing. Steve is holding Bucky down on the messed up sheets, those blue eyes flash as he sees the Winter Soldier look up at him and without realising what he is going to do Steve hits him, bloodying, his lip. Bucky's eyes widen and he growls. Tony Stark once said to Steve that he does not trust anyone who does not have a dark side – well, if he saw Steve now he would trust him until the ends of the earth.

"I told you Bucky is mine," his friends would not recognise Steve's voice.

"Get the fuck off me!"

"Make me!"

Steve has a few extra inches on Bucky and a few more pounds, but Bucky has the Winter Soldier's anger and experience and so Steve has to be as brutal as the Winter Soldier is until both men are panting with the exertion of the fight and it is Steve who is winning.

He now has Bucky pinned face down, arm pulled up behind his back, the other arm pinned under his own body. Steve's face is scratched and bleeding, and Bucky's eye will be black and blue within minutes and blood seeps from his lip into the bed clothes.

But Steve has not finished and Bucky feels a hand pull at his trousers. "Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare!" The Winter Soldier tries to get up, tries to shake Steve off, but Steve isn't going to let him. Isn't going to give in this time. Bucky is his and he is going to prove it. As he pulls Bucky's trousers and shorts down he leans in so the Winter Soldier can hear him.

"You think I'm weak? Not when it comes to Bucky. He belongs to me, you bastard, he's __mine__. And that means you're mine just as much as he is. "

Bucky's tee shirt is damp with sweat. He tries once more to rise but can't and instead his body stops moving, stops fighting. Steve feels the change and pauses in what he is doing for a moment. He hears Bucky say something and when he looks at him he has his eyes closed.

He leans in again, doubt now coursing through his mind. __What the hell am I doing? What the hell do I think I'm going to do?__ His mind is now telling him to stop, his anger cooling. Before he can alter his position he hears Bucky whisper again.

"Hurt me."

Steve's grip loosens, shock runs through his body. "What? No, I..."

Bucky turns his head and looks up at him then moves to turn over. Steve stops him.

" _ _I told you that you're weak..." The Winter Soldier sneers, and there is that thin-lipped smile. He didn't fight as much as he could have. He needs it to be Steve who is the one to stop, to push him away to show the Soldier he is not worthy of anyone's love. For Steve to be the one to say he does not want him because over the years the Soldier has shared what memories Bucky tried to keep of Steve and he has had a longing for this man that he does not want to acknowledge. When Steve said he was his as much as Bucky was, the Soldier could have wept.__

 _ _Could have.__

Anger boils up again in Steve and he pushes him back down on his front.

"You think so huh?"

And the Winter Soldier feels Steve's strong hands pulling at him. Feels his fingers searching and he closes his eyes. His cock is so hard it hurts. He wants Steve to hurt him, wants him to take him. He needs him to and in his mind he is begging him to.

Steve complies.

 **...**

 _ _Bucky can hear Steve talking quietly in the living room. He knows Steve is on the phone, but at first doesn't know who to.__

"Look it's not forever, just for...no, look please," Steve is quiet. "If our friendship ever meant anything to you then please help me, Tony. I need to keep him safe."

"So you want to move him in here?" The sarcasm in Tony's voice is full on.

Steve would be shocked if he could see Tony on the other end of the line. The industrialist is having difficulty keeping his emotions flat. He knows Steve does not know it was the Winter Soldier who assassinated Tony's parents and now Steve is handing him over to one of the people who want to see the Winter Soldier dead.

Ironic.

But Tony is not ready to kill him yet, and so it is better that he knows where his enemy is rather than searching for him in the future with Steve's hand against him.

Steve is quiet on the other end of the phone, not understanding why Tony is so reluctant. In the end he hears the other man sigh.

"I suppose he's house trained? Bring him over. God only knows what Pepper will say...in fact what the hell is Romanoff going to say? I suppose you want his room close to yours so you can __keep an eye on him, hold his hand...__ "

Steve breaks into what could become a monologue of bad jokes. "Can we come today?"

Another sigh. "Yes I suppose so."

"Thanks, Tony. I really appreciate this."

Steve hangs up.

"Yes, Steve, and I appreciate it too." Tony says to the silent handset as he ends the call.

Another voice breaks in. "Sir...?"

"Shut up, Jarvis. I know just what you are going to say."

"It would be prudent..."

"It's none of your business."

"But..."

"Stay out of it Jarvis or else I may have to pull your plug...understand?" and Tony is not joking.

Silence. Then: "Yes, sir."

 **...**

Steve finishes on the telephone and comes back into the bedroom but he cannot look at Bucky – he speaks but looks everywhere else but in to those eyes.

"What did I do?" Bucky asks, and his voice is full of shame and worry. He is not certain of all that had happened before; the Soldier does not always let him share.

"It's okay. It wasn't you, it was me." Steve's voice is non-committal.

"No Steve, it would still have been __me__." And Steve knows exactly what Bucky is referring to.

"Grab your things. We're moving."

Bucky does not speak. Instead he stands and moves closer to Steve – lifts his hand to touch him but instead Steve steps back, lifts his own hand. "Don't," he says.

Bucky's hand drops, they both stand still, neither knowing what to say, how to act. The strong musky scent of sex hangs in the air, reminding them of what just happened.

Bucky is the one who breaks the silence; his tone speaks volumes of his pain in what he says. "I asked you not to hate me but I can see now that that is impossible. I destroy everything I touch." And he turns away.

Steve looks at Bucky. __My God how wrong can Bucky be?__

"Hate you? __Hate__ you? Is that what you think?" He dry washes his face. Bucky has sat down on the bed, staring at the floor.

 _ _Why?__ Steve thinks, __why do people always think I am so innocent, that butter wouldn't melt in my mouth? I grew up in Brooklyn, for God's sake.__ He has the same desires as everyone else. He wanted Bucky and he took him. Forced him to...

"Look at me," he says, and Bucky does. He walks over to where Bucky is sat, kneels down, takes Bucky's hands. "You told me the guards raped you, and what did I do? I held you down and took you against your will. I don't hate you Bucky. I hate myself." Bucky begins to shake his head, to jump to Steve's defence. "It wasn't against my will..."

"You truly don't know what you mean to me do you? You have no idea?" Steve asks and he can see the answer in Bucky's eyes.

"I would do anything for you – __anything__ ," he raises Bucky's hands to his mouth and kisses them and Bucky can see he is crying now as quietly as Bucky was before they had danced.

He leans his head on Bucky's knees and Bucky strokes his hair.

"I destroy everything I touch," Bucky repeats his words from before: "You have to let me go."

"Never. You don't destroy, you just have to remember __what__ you are, __who__ you are. It isn't __you__ who destroys, it's the Winter Soldier," Steve says.

"And he's part of me."

"I know."

They are quiet for a time and then Steve looks up. He reaches up touches Bucky's face, leans forward, kisses his eyes, his cheeks, his mouth.

"I love you. I love every part of you. Can't you understand that?" And now Bucky knows Steve is telling the truth.

Inside him the Winter Soldier stirs once more, but Bucky clamps down hard on him to stop him before he can do any more damage. "Steve, show me how much you love me. Make me forget everything but you and your touch."

Steve hesitates and Bucky stands, takes off his tee shirt, undresses and Steve can see how much Bucky needs him.

"You think..." Steve's voice dries up and he clears his throat, tries to smile looking up at Bucky, "you think I've forgotten?" and Bucky frowns to show he doesn't quite understand.

"You think I've forgotten what you used to like me to do, what sent you crazy?" And he smiles such a smile that Bucky swallows.

Steve brings his hand up and touches Bucky's stomach, draws a line downwards and Bucky forgets to breathe. He leans forward and kisses the very top of Bucky's hard cock and then slowly runs his tongue down the length and Bucky groans, wraps his right hand in Steve's hair.

"Shit," Bucky whispers and Steve cannot help but smile as he leans forward, takes Bucky's cock and rubs his hand up and down and then follows it with his tongue. He then starts to take his cock in his mouth as his hand cups Bucky's ball sac and Bucky closes his eyes. Steve's mouth is wet, warm and soft, his throat welcoming.

Bucky leans his head back and gives himself into the feel of it.

Neither realise that instead of making Bucky forget, he is making him remember. Steve's love for him encompasses everything and even the Winter Soldier surrenders to his touch.

And for a few sweet moments Steve sets him free.


	81. Chapter 81 - Bucky Meets The Avengers

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eighty-One:**** ** **Bucky Barnes Meets The Avengers****

"Hmm so you're the one who Steve has got his knickers in a twist about."

Tony Stark looks Bucky Barnes up and down and internally he is surprised at how he __feels__ doing so. Looking at this man, __this animal.__

Steve tuts in the background. Bucky hesitantly puts his hand out in greeting and Tony takes it, holding it for a moment too long because he yearns to pull the man close, wants to whisper into his ear: _"_ _ _You killed my parents and I'm going to make you pay. I'm going to make you suffer as they suffered."__

But he doesn't.

Yet still the hairs on the back of the Winter Soldier's neck tingle. He knows there is danger in this man, but he just doesn't know why.

"It's nice to meet you again, sir." And Bucky can see from Steve's look of surprise that he has gotten something wrong.

"You two have met before?" Steve asks just as Tony says: "We've never met." Bucky looks between them. Without realising it he brings up his right hand and massages his temple.

"I'm sorry, my memory isn't...what it used to be," he says. "I thought..." And he stops, pain beginning to thrum in his head, images flashing past his eyes.

"You thought...?" Tony queries and Bucky shakes his head.

"I thought your name was Howard," he mumbles, trying to smile.

It costs Tony a lot to return that smile. More than Bucky will ever know. "That was my father...you knew him. He knew all the Howling Commandos, and of course __Captain Saviour__ here as well." Steve raises his hand as if to remonstrate and Tony sighs. "I know, I know kid gloves. Look, watch me put them on." Tony mimes putting a pair of gloves on with exaggerated movements. It makes no sense to Bucky and he turns to look at Steve who is frowning.

Jarvis interrupts with a "Sir...". He may be a rather intelligent electronic device, but there is more to him than algorithms. He knows his master well: the nuances, his moods. Knows the danger he is to himself. Best sometimes to nip something in the bud.

It is quiet for a moment as Tony studies Bucky, nothing shows on his face.

"Sir?"

" _ _Yes__ Jarvis?" Tony turns, as though addressing a real person.

"Shall I show Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes to their quarters?"

"Good idea. Although I'm sure Steve knows his way by now - we've put you side by side as promised." And he smiles at Steve.

"Thank you," Steve says, and Tony can see that he means it. Steve indicates to Bucky he will show him the way, Bucky nods to Tony and they walk away.

"I was a Sergeant? How come you got to be a Captain?" he hears Bucky query as they leave.

 _ _Goddammit.__ Tony had not been expecting that. He was not expecting to __like__ the man. He can see the damage in his eyes, and Tony recognises damage when he sees it; he has seen it enough times in his own eyes in the mirror.

 **...**

Bucky places his backpack on the bed and looks around. He has never seen such luxurious quarters. The room is huge. The bed isn't just a double, it's a...whatever the next size up is. There is a en-suite bathroom, complete with shower and bath, and even a __bidet.__ Whatever __that__ is. __That__ is what Jarvis had called it – Steve had coloured slightly and said he would explain later what it was for.

In the main room there is a large picture window. The view is amazing and he feels he can look out over the entire New York landscape. The wardrobes are fitted units that open and close so quietly he finds himself looking to see how they are fixed. There is an area with a desk, chair and a laptop and full access to the internet. There is a television with a DVD player and cable, and a separate music centre. Jarvis tells him where the library is situated, and explains that it contains a large selection of both books, music and films. There are two telephones. One for making calls, the other for calling room service (Bucky looks at Steve, who raises his eyebrows). Jarvis also relays details of the cleaning services.

"If that will be all, sir?" Jarvis asks and Steve as polite as ever responds.

"Um, yes. Thanks, Jarvis."

When they are on their own Bucky points to the ceiling "Why do I think I know that voice?" he asks, and Steve smiles.

"Howard's man servant. Tony kinda kept him on once he died." Bucky frowns. Steve continues: "So do you want to settle in and I'll come back for you a bit later? You know, show you around the place, introduce you to some friends?"

In all honesty it has all overwhelmed Bucky, and Steve can see it in his friend's face. He can see the exhaustion in his eyes; he may be full of serum but the last few weeks and injuries have taken away a lot of his strength. The headaches affect his ability to think clearly. He looks lost, and when Steve mentions other people there is panic in his eyes.

" _ _Or,__ we can have a quiet evening, something to eat, and then I can show you around tomorrow?" and Bucky nods and tries to smile again. Steve comes up to him, reaches out and tucks Bucky's hair back.

"Your head bad?" he asks and Bucky nods.

Steve walks over to the bedside table and pours a glass of water from the jug there whilst Bucky rummages in his backpack. He upends it onto the bed and searches for some tablets. He takes them. "I just need to..." he points to the bathroom and Steve nods.

Whilst Bucky is using the facilities, Steve wanders over to the bed. He sees the notebook with the leaflet sticking out of it and without thinking picks it up to look at. It is a small black book with an elastic band around it, he takes that off meaning just to look at the leaflet which he recognises as coming from The Smithsonian. The notebook opens and he sees unfamiliar writing on the pages, but as he turns to the back he sees something else. Looking at the bathroom and knowing Bucky is going to be a few more minutes he turns to what he has seen and gasps.

It is Bucky's handwriting, across two pages and done in pen and pencil but in places it has been scored so hard it has almost gone through the pages.

He quickly flicks through more pages at the back and he sees more of the same. In some places the pages have been torn. He can __see__ or _ _feel,__ he doesn't know which, the torment and hatred that has been conveyed through the words. Through their imprint on the paper.

It is the saddest thing Steve thinks he has ever seen. He can see the emotions of the person who wrote it and he knows it is both Bucky and the Soldier responsible. He closes his eyes for a moment but then hears the toilet flush. Quickly he puts the band back on and puts the notebook down and when Bucky comes back out Steve is stood looking out of the window.

Bucky goes over and stands by him and neither speak for a moment. Steve reaches out and draws Bucky to him.

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" he asks quietly. Bucky is quiet for a while and then when he does speak his voice is choked.

"I want you to stay with me every night."

He doesn't know if he can cope with this, with life.

Steve smiles.

"That won't be a problem," he says.

 **...**

Steve snores. Bucky had forgotten just how much. The clock on the bedside table says it is 2.43 in the morning. All is dark and quiet except for the snores of Captain America. Bucky is lying listening to them. He remembers how it used to annoy the hell out of him, but at the moment he is just glad for the noise showing him he isn't alone. That he is back with Steve at his side.

It is so quiet in the Tower, the size of which still stuns him. Steve is going to show him around tomorrow, going to introduce him to some of the others and Bucky does not want to be introduced. He trusts Steve with his life but he doesn't know the others. They will hate him. He knows they will. What if one of them is Hydra? What if...?

 _ _And what are you going to do? Hide away for the rest of your life?__ The Winter Soldier sneers. __Get Steve to look after you, wipe your nose...you make me sick.__

 _ _Better that than being you,__ Bucky counters and surprisingly the Soldier is quiet.

He gets up uses the bathroom and then slides back into bed. Steve murmurs something, turns over, and the snoring stops. Bucky finally falls asleep.

 _ _He is in a corridor. A long grey space with dirty lighting and the red monster on the wall he knows so well. He is the Winter Soldier. As he walks he can hear his footsteps ringing on the concrete floor. Up ahead is a gate. The guards are standing around someone on their knees who is trying to press themselves into the wall to escape. They ignore him as he walks up and he realises they cannot see him. The man on the ground has their full attention. One guard hangs back, the look on his face is one of pity. The other two guards have their batons out. As he draws nearer he realises who it is on the ground.__

 _ _It is him. Him when he was Bucky.__

 _ _He watches as the guards shock him with the batons and he hears himself cry out. His skin twitches as he remembers the feel of those sticks. The material of the dirty hospital gown he has on burns and then he can smell burning skin, his own flesh. There is only part of his left arm left; the stub is covered in filthy bandages, parts of which are trailing down. The guards are jeering at him in Russian and the third guard finally steps forward and remonstrates with them. Bucky reaches out begging the guard to help him but then he sees he is wrong; Bucky is reaching out to__ him _ _begging him to get him out of there, begging for him to let him die. The Winter Soldier makes to step back but then his eyesight starts to blur and he rubs his eyes.__

 _ _The view has changed and__ he _ _is the one on the floor looking up at the Winter Soldier. The Soldier steps forward as the guards look on. There are only two of them now. The Soldier crouches down and Bucky draws back at the utter look of hate and contempt on his face.__

" _ _You don't deserve help..." And the Soldier reaches out with his metal hand and starts to crush Bucky's throat.__

" _ _Please..." Bucky tries to say and the Soldier laughs.__

" _ _Please what? Just what do you think I am going to do for you? You deserve nothing, you're filth, nothing more." And he knows it is him speaking those words. He has spoken them before. He cannot breathe, the Soldier is killing him and then suddenly he lets go and Bucky's hands fly to his throat trying to take a deep breath.__

" _ _You think I'm going to make it that easy for you?"__

 _ _The Winter Soldier stands. He seems to loom over Bucky, blocking all of the light. He then turns to the guards.__

" _ _Take this mess away and burn it!" he says, pure contempt in his voice, and the two guards come forward grinning death mask grins.__

" _ _No! No!" Bucky starts to scream but his throat feels as if it twice the size. He is finding it difficult to swallow.__

 _ _They drag him up and he watches the Soldier stride off down the corridor. They pull him in the opposite direction and then before he can stop them they are crossing through the doorway into a large room which is dark except for an orange light in the middle and he can hear a roaring sound. He can feel the heat. They drag him towards the furnace, a gigantic metal creature straight out of hell.__

" _ _No! Don't burn me, please don't burn me!" He struggles to get away but the guards have a tight hold of him and they want their sport.__

 _ _There is a huge open door to the furnace in front of him and he can feel the heat pouring out of it. He can feel his hair beginning to smoulder, the hospital gown is scorching. The bandages have fallen away from the stub and it is crawling with maggots. One of the guards grins with rotten teeth "You're already dead, son, those maggots are feeding on your worthless body."__

 _ _They pull him closer and he tries to fight, he can feel his skin crackle, it begins to melt and char and then they are throwing him in and he screams, screams as his hands scrabble on the hot coals trying to get back out as the flames lick at his body. The guards are closing the door locking him in. His body is beginning to burn, his gown and hair on fire.__

 _ _And in the background of it the Winter Soldier's voice speaks, eerily calm. "She will never forgive you. And neither will I."__

" _ _No!" He comes awake screaming the word and beating at the flames that are devouring him. Someone is trying to push him back in, trying to make him stay in the flames, and he hits out hard.__

" _ _Shit__! __Ow!__ " The person falls away from him and Bucky falls out of the bed onto the floor, scrabbling to get up.

"No, Bucky! Stop!" He recognises the voice, recognises panic in it and he looks backwards. He is no longer in the dark room, he can no longer hear the roar of the flames. He holds up his hands, one flesh unburnt and one metal. He turns them over and then back to the palms again, then feels his chest, he is not burnt. There is sweat pouring from him and his heart is thudding.

A light goes on and he sees Steve in pyjama bottoms, a huge red patch coming up on his cheek and scratch marks down the left side of his face. He comes forward, hands out, as Bucky looks around and then sinks to the floor with a groan.

Steve approaches as though he is trying to quieten a wild animal. He takes a deep breath and sits down slowly crossed legged by his friend.

"Is it over?" he asks. Bucky lies on his back with his right hand thrown over his face. His eyes are closed and Steve can see he is trying to catch his breath. He looks worn out.

There is silence between them for a moment and then Bucky takes his arm away, sits up slowly and nods.

The phone rings, making them both jump. Steve already knows he doesn't have to pick up the receiver to answer it.

"Is that you Jarvis?" he asks tiredly.

"Yes sir. I noticed a disturbance in Sergeant Barnes' quarters and I wondered if everything was all right?" The voice is gentle, sympathetic, but if there had been a real problem Steve is in no doubt someone would have been alerted and come hammering at the door.

Steve looks at Bucky as he replies: "Yes thank you, everything is okay."

"Can I bring you anything?"

Steve looks again at Bucky "Do we need anything?" he queries, and Bucky shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair.

"No thank you."

"Well goodnight then, sir."

"Goodnight Jarvis." Steve is less than a foot away from Bucky and he can see his hands are trembling but he is beginning to calm down, to get himself under control.

He looks at Steve and touches his face. "Sorry about the..." he says and tries to smile that Bucky smile, but it is tremulous as is his voice.

"I've had worse. Do you want to talk about it?" Steve asks and sees panic in Bucky's face until he quickly covers it.

 _ _Go on, tell him. See if he wants to hold you then when he finds out you murdered her,__ the voice in his head sneers. "No!...I mean no, thank you, just a nightmare," and he moves to stand up and so does Steve. "I'll..." he coughs to clear his throat. "...I'll just have a quick shower, cool myself down and then come back to bed," and he points as he says it to the bathroom.

Steve thinks of making a joke but when he sees the look in his friend's eyes he just nods. The time on the clock reads 4.17am.

Bucky grabs a clean pair of shorts and locks the door whilst he is there. He gets the water running and stands under the coolness of it, still remembering the feel of the flames on his body, it felt so real. With what he sees in his dreams he doesn't always know when they are memories or when they are nightmares, __all__ of it seems so genuine. He scrubs his body clean, and whilst he does so he cries quietly. He is not crying for himself; he is crying because he felt such a fear when he was so close to the flames and he knows that is what __she__ will have felt. Rumlow had said she was still alive and awake when they fed her to the fire. __Oh dear God. How can I ever live with that?__

" _ _Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him. He can hold your hand for you while you cry. I'm sure he'll understand."__

"Fuck off," he whispers.

" _ _He'll understand. Stevie will understand, Don't you think so?" The voice is mocking.__

"I said fuck off!" Bucky turns and puts the water off and dries himself. He puts on the clean shorts then, taking a deep breath, he exits the bathroom and climbs into the bed.

"Okay?" Steve asks and Bucky nods. He can see Steve doesn't believe him.

"Look..." Steve says and Bucky swallows. "...You're carrying so much of a burden, I...just want you to know I'm here to help you. If you want to talk...if you __need__ to talk, please let me in." And his eyes tell Bucky he loves him.

Bucky doesn't know what to say. Everything is still so raw, so confusing. He doesn't know what to answer, and so he doesn't. Steve smiles and Bucky knows he will not push things.

Steve puts the lights out and they settle back down.

Only Bucky doesn't. He lies there and in his mind he is trying to tell Steve about Freya, trying to tell him what happened to her and in every possible scenario Steve walks away. As more memories surface he finds out more and more of how he mistreated her, what the Winter Soldier did to her every time he was woken for a mission, he feels deep shame. He may be able to blame some of his __crimes__ on programming, but even now he can feel that paranoid jealousy he used to feel about her and even now he can feel the pain of her not being here with him; of him never seeing her again, of never seeing her smile so shy like Steve's. Her beautiful long hair he used to love running through his fingers. And he remembers her fit of temper when he tried to teach her to drive. He clutches his fist so he doesn't make a sound, so that he doesn't cry.

Steve does not sleep either but he stays quiet and unmoving so that Bucky doesn't know he __can't__ sleep.

 **...**

It turns out to be early evening the next day before Bucky is finally introduced to the others.

First he sees Tony again with his fiancee, Pepper Potts. They are on their way out to dinner. She is polite, and tells him if he needs anything just to let her or Jarvis know. Their kindness he finds touching; after all, neither Tony or Pepper really know him.

Natasha, Sam, Steve and Bucky stay in for dinner. There is a huge kitchen-come-dining room they will eat in, and it is Sam and Steve who do the cooking. Steve has arranged for this deliberately; he wants Nat to get to know Bucky, to perhaps even like him. Whilst the two men busy themselves in the kitchen Bucky and Nat sit on two huge L-shaped sofas which face each other but it means they can still converse with the people in the kitchen if need be.

Sam is already in the kitchen, knife in hand cutting onions.

"This is Sam, awesome and literal wingman. Sam, Bucky," Steve says, and Sam holds up the hand holding the knife.

"I'd shake hands, but you'd stink of onions for the rest of the night," he says and Bucky is not sure if this man likes him. He doesn't think that he does. Thinks Sam is using the onions as an excuse not to have to touch him.

And then Steve introduces Bucky to Natasha Romanoff, calls her Nat. He shakes her hand, telling her it is nice to meet her. "You could at least _ _recognise me,__ " she says and Bucky turns a querying look at Steve. He holds his hands up.

"No doubt she will tell you," he says. He knows there are some truths he cannot protect Bucky from, some things he needs to find out for himself.

Bucky turns back to face the redhead. She __does__ seem vaguely familiar as they sit opposite each other on the sofas.

"So, how are you finding things?" Nat asks. She is really not one for small talk despite being expertly trained for it, and she is finding that just sitting this close to Bucky is making her feel too hot, edgy. He may be Bucky Barnes but she knows what he is capable of, she knows who is hiding under his skin.

"Okay. It's all...different to what I'm used to...what did you mean by me recognising you?"

"I gave you the broken nose and black eyes last time we met," she says bluntly, and Bucky nods slowly and can't help but run a finger down his nose, it still feels slightly sore and the thought of it makes his eyes water. But then he looks at Nat, really looks at her, and the smile fades from her face.

"Its more than that isn't it?" he says quietly. "We've met before haven't we?"

She studies him. Natasha is a very honest person with her friends. She is still not sure what Bucky Barnes is to her – friend or enemy? She would bet anything on the fact that Bucky doesn't even know what he is to himself.

It is Bucky who speaks next. "I need people to be honest with me. My head is so..." And he taps his temple. "Mixed up. Some things I see are memories with no context, no extra information, they're just pictures. I don't know yet what is real and what isn't but I do know I need to know the truth."

Nat can understand exactly what it is Bucky is asking, and she nods.

"I grew up in the Red Room..." she says and sees the knowledge enter Bucky's eyes: he knows what the Red Room is, but he cannot place her there in his mind. "I was six when I first met you. You had been sent to kill one of my teachers and..."

"...You were the little girl in the garden..." Bucky murmurs. Nat sees the moment Bucky loses himself in the memory, watches as he works through it and the widening of his eyes tells her this isn't the Winter Soldier she is talking to. "I'm sorry," he says finally.

She nods. "You told me __not today.__ You let me live."

"The Red Room. Not an easy place to grow up in," he says, but he is saying more than that. Boiled down to the core, both Nat and Bucky were victims of the same type of people. They were both used, both had huge parts of their lives taken away from them, both trained to kill against their will.

"A few years ago now I was escorting an engineer out of Iran and they sent you after us."

"And I never failed a mission," Bucky says, smiling - but it is not a humorous smile.

"No you didn't."

They are both quiet for a few seconds.

"Did I hurt you badly?" Bucky asks and at his words Nat feels an incredible liking for this man, in some strange way he reminds her of Steve.

"You've shot me twice and each time I lived," she says. The she leans forward and looks at him. "I was terrified of you for a long time. Most of my life, actually. But you have to realise that I don't think you are that person any more. The Winter Soldier is a weapon put together like any other. Slowly bit by bit you are dismantling him and one day he won't exist. I intend to be around when that happens, when you're free of him at last."

Bucky knows he can be truthful with her. "I don't know if that day will ever come. I don't know if I'm that strong."

"It will. Because you have us now; you just have to let us in, let us help you. I wish I could tell you how much these people have helped me. I didn't ask them to, I didn't have anything to give them, they just...put me back together again when I didn't even know I was broken." Nat is surprised at how choked her words make her feel.

"But the things I've done..."

"There are things we've all done," she says and he knows she understands...but still that voice, that small voice in his mind that he has to clamp down on: __What about Freya? Can they forgive that because I can't.__

Before they can go any further a new voice joins the fray in the kitchen, one that makes Natasha's smile widen.

"Come on. May as well meet the Hawk," she says to Bucky as he is introduced to another Avenger. "Clint Barton, meet Bucky Barnes." As she says the name Clint's eyes narrow but he still holds out his hand and Bucky takes it.

"Did she say... _ _Stucky__ Barnes?" Clint asks and it makes Bucky laugh when he didn't expect to.

Natasha smiles and in a loud voice says to Barnes. "He's a little deaf." Then to Clint: "I said __Bucky__!"

The meal is a success.

 **...**

Bucky was nervous. How does he eat around other people? He has to slow himself down, take note of what Steve does, listens to them talking without interrupting and Steve cannot help but notice this difference. The old Bucky was confident even when he didn't feel he could hold his own. This new one is watchful, worried. He knows Bucky is hungry, sees him looking at the food but doesn't reach out and help himself to any more, so Steve adds to Bucky's plate whenever he adds to his own. Clint notices and asks him to go halves on another chunk of bread. Somehow they cannot equate this quiet, placid man with what they have heard and seen of the Winter Soldier.

Sam though is different – both because of his experience with damaged veterans and with his own past history with the Soldier. He can see it. He remembers the Soldier from the freeway, he knows what he is capable of. He also knows the man sat opposite him is running on empty, he sees more than the others because he knows what to look for. He only has one question.

What will happen when this man breaks?

"So Cap, you've been around long enough now, what do you find is the biggest change in this modern world of ours?" Clint asks Steve and Steve pauses for a second.

"Well, we have better music," Sam mutters and Steve laughs. It is a sound that makes Bucky look up and gaze at him, a sound Bucky hasn't heard in such a long time.

"That's a difficult one, Clint. The world is __so__...different now." Steve says.

"Everything is so loud," Bucky says without meaning to, and he flushes but Steve smiles encouragingly at him.

"He's right. Everything seems to...I don't know...shout, seems to be so loud, so bright, so in your face," he confirms. "Technology as well, I think."

Steve immediately wishes he could take back that word. One thing that had been noticeable at the table and everyone cannot help but look at Bucky when Steve mentions technology, is Bucky's arm. There are times when they can hear it move - not all the time just now and again especially when it is quiet.

"The elephant in the room." It is actually Bucky who rescues Steve. He puts down his knife and holds his hand up, opens and closes the fingers.

"Does it hurt?" Sam asks.

"Sometimes. Especially in the shoulder where its attached to...the rest of me."

"Can you...you know feel with it?" Nat was positive she was not going to ask the question on everyone's mind but she wants to know and it doesn't seem to bother him. He turns his hand around and opens it wide, then reaches out so she can touch it.

She hesitates just for a moment and then gently runs her fingers along the palm and he makes a noise. "Why does everyone try and tickle?" he asks, and it makes them smile.

"You can feel that though?" Nat asks again.

"Yes, yes I can. I can feel everything if not a little more than I could with my human hand."

"Tony's going to have a field day. He'll love tinkering with it." Clint says, grinning, knowing that the industrialist will want to know everything about it.

"Like his father then?" Bucky asks without thinking.

"I suppose you knew him? Knew Howard?" Nat says and Bucky nods.

Sam can see though that Bucky is tiring, too many personal questions too quickly. He intervenes. "It's a nice piece of engineering...but __not__ as nice as my wings," he says, getting up from the table and beginning to collect the plates.

Bucky looks at Steve and then at Clint "I thought _ _you__ were the Hawk?" he says, and Clint laughs. "Yes I am. But the full name is __Hawkeye.__ "

" _ _...__ its a bow and arrow thing," Nat interrupts but then Clint carries on "...but Sam is the __Falcon__ , you know wings and things."

Sam purses his lips. At this point that is enough; he does not want Bucky to remember he is the one he battled with on the Helicarrier, the one the Winter Soldier tore the wings off and then threw to his death. They will no doubt talk about it sometime, but now is not that time.

"Can that thing be immersed in soapy water?" he asks and Bucky nods.

"Good. You wash and Steve wipes and the rest of us get to sit down."

 **...**

It is late and they are thinking of heading their separate ways when Jarvis breaks in.

"My apologies for interrupting, but I feel there was something on the news you need to see. It was televised earlier and I have recorded it. I have advised Mr Stark and he has asked me to make sure you are watching it as well. He is on his way back and has already been in touch with his lawyers." As he speaks, a large flat TV screen on the wall lights up.

The conversation lulls as they all move to look at the screen.

It is a breaking news report. A news announcer in a studio somewhere is giving out the details. Behind the news announcer a picture of Natasha appears on screen, then changes to show a computer screen with information running on it. The announcer is explaining that when Natasha released the Hydra files onto the internet, a large percentage were heavily encrypted. Slowly bit by bit things are starting to come to light.

"The following story was sent to us by an unknown party. There are scenes of violence in the report which may disturb some viewers." The announcer is replaced by a reporter and scenes taken from what looks like old camera footage.

"Up until now it was believed the assassin known as the Winter Soldier was an anonymous Russian soldier, but the news we are getting through now tells us that he was in fact an __American__ soldier. According to the file, his name is James Buchanan Barnes and he was known to be one of __the__ Captain America's Howling Commandos. The report does not tell us __why__ he defected, but some of the missions he carried out are given. Names have been removed to protect the innocent at this stage. It is believed that he has carried out these attacks over the period of the last seventy years due to a cryogenic process utilised by Hydra.

As we have said it is not known why he defected or if in fact he was a Russian sleeper agent but he is known to still be at large and the public are asked not to approach him. There are few pictures of Barnes past his service in the War, and those that exist are very grainy. His current presence is unknown but we would like to repeat that if you do know his location then please contact your local police or FBI. This man should not be approached as he must be assumed to be armed and considered dangerous.

Now back to the studio..."

During the report photographs of the assassination victims are shown including press reports and photographs released at the time. And some of those photographs are horrifying.

There then follows a report of what was known about the ex-Howling Commando. They sit there quietly, listen to every word until at the end Nat speaks. "I'm sorry." Her voice is quiet and she is speaking directly to Bucky.

"I was told all of this was already out there. I didn't realise though they thought...I had defected," he says.

Steve frowns and asks who told him.

"When I visited The Smithsonian I was talking to an old guy who is a guard there. He told me that people couldn't make up their minds if _ _I__ was Russian or an American POW."

Natasha is the one who answers. "No, up until now there have just been reports of a Russian assassin called the Winter Soldier, but nobody had mentioned that he might be American. Who was it that you say you spoke to? Maybe he's the guy who leaked it."

Bucky shakes his head. "I doubt it, he didn't look a day under ninety. I don't think he would have been able to use a computer, yet alone do this. It's funny I wanted to ask some questions afterwards but I couldn't find him again. Lady at the reception desk told me there was no guard there fitting his description...well, not that was still alive anyways. Said there had been an old man who had worked there, Steve had rescued him when he was in the 107th, but that he had died recently."

"Old guy called Stan?" Steve asks, and Bucky nods. "I met him too, so he can't have died two years ago. Nice guy, didn't tell me he was in the 107ththough, wish he had. She must have got it wrong because he looked fighting fit when I saw him!"

"Yeah, he said he had met you." And they go quiet.

"Maybe he was into crystal balls or something. "Clint says. "Whatever it is, the shit's hit the fan now."

"And it's all true isn't it?" Bucky says, looking at him. He then looks at all of them. "I have to go. I can't hide. I have to hand myself in. Those are my crimes and I am guilty." He stands but it is Sam who jumps up and touches his arm to stop him from going anywhere.

"Whoa. Now hold on there a minute, you need to think this through," and for a second he sees a flash of something in Bucky's eyes, sees Bucky's jaw tighten as if he is trying to control something or someone inside of him. There is suddenly a tension in the air that wasn't there a minute ago.

"Am I interrupting something?" A familiar voice says, and they all turn to see Tony walking into the room.

 **...**

Bucky is alone when Sam comes up to him, holds out a small card which Bucky takes without thinking.

"Listen..." his voice is firm, "Steve means a lot to us so we will protect him..." Sam says and Bucky thinks he knows exactly what it is Sam is going to say: __so why don't you just fuck off and let him lead his life, let him be happy?__

But Sam surprises him. "He has vouched for you, and we know a little of your history together. You're going to find the next few years tough and if you ever think you can't do it then remember you're not alone..." He taps the card in Bucky's hand. "Call me, okay?" Bucky's eyes tear up and Sam smiles. "Just don't expect me to get all mushy."

 **...**

Later, much later, Bucky is exhausted. So much thinking, so many feelings; they are overwhelming him. He and Steve have said goodnight to the others and escaped to Steve's room. Tony has talked with his lawyers, hired them on Bucky's behalf. There is to be a meeting the next day with the authorities: Bucky Barnes will not be there, but he will be represented. There is nothing absolute they have on Bucky, nothing he can actually be arrested for. The District Attorney is frustrated but he knows that moving too fast will jeopardise any case he hopes to bring against the man. He is willing to wait, willing to thrash out something with the lawyers the next day but he has told them that he __will__ prosecute, he __will__ indite, it may take months, it may even take years but James Barnes will not escape punishment.

And Bucky doesn't think he should escape punishment. He believes he is guilty. The Winter Soldier is not convinced, his first thought is flight but for now he knows Tony Stark and Steve Rogers will keep him safe. He knows Steve's reasons, but he's unsure as to why Tony would help but he is willing to bet there is a reason.

Steve looks at the man who means so much to him. He can't lose him, not again. He stands in front of him looks into his tired eyes. He brings up his hand and strokes Bucky's face with the back of it. "I won't let anything happen to you," he whispers, and leans forward and kisses Bucky's lips.

"Just make me forget for one night," Bucky murmurs and Steve reaches down to the hem of Bucky's tee shirt and pulls it up and over his head, drops it on the floor. His hand trails over Bucky's chest, over the scarring and the metal plating and his eyes follow.

"They hurt you so much," Steve whispers, his throat thick with emotion. How much more does Bucky have to go through? Why can't they see what happened to him? He looks up at Bucky's face, leans in, kisses his eyes, his lips then his throat and Bucky's hands come up and under Steve's tee shirt removing it.

"I wish I could be as beautiful as you," he murmurs.

Steve laughs and then shakes his head in bewilderment. "You are beautiful, to me you always will be," he leans forward again and kisses down to Bucky's chest, then moves to place his lips on the scarring.

"Don't," Bucky tries to move away but Steve will not let him.

"I love all of you," he says his voice husky with emotion and he leans in and kisses the scarring and then the metal plating. He holds Bucky's left hand and slots his fingers in next to Bucky's pulling him close so he can kiss his lips again and make Bucky forget everything.

For one night it is just the two of them.

Steve tells Bucky the world outside the door no longer exists.

And then he makes Bucky believe him.


	82. Chapter 82 - The Soldier & The Guard

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eighty-Two:**** ** **The Winter Soldier & The Guard****

Over the next few months Steve learns a lot of things about both the Winter Soldier and Bucky Barnes.

Bucky still loves to drink a glass of cold milk down without stopping; the Soldier hates milk.

Bucky still hums whilst he is waiting for something; the Soldier is quiet, so quiet you don't know he is there.

Bucky's smile is rare but worth waiting for; the Soldier's is just as fleeting but it is terrifying.

Bucky constantly struggles to remember things, writes down all that he can remember but it causes debilitating migraines which leave him bleeding from his nose or on rare occasions his ears; the Soldier also tries to remember, he will not give in to the migraines and Steve knows he is in charge when Bucky disappears for hours and can be found running on one of the machines in Tony's gym, black shadows under his eyes, exhaustion in his face.

Even so, he does not learn what it is that has Bucky waking in the middle of the night covered in sweat and begging Steve not to hate him. At these times his friend is vulnerable and Steve does all he can to find out the truth because he knows Bucky is holding something back. But each time he makes excuses, tells Steve that it is just his previous memories, __don't worry.__

How can he not worry where Bucky is involved?

Steve talks to Sam, who tells him to give Bucky time. "With what he has gone through, what they made him do...it must be a pretty damn awful thing that out of __everything__ it's a single memory he keeps going back to. You have to be prepared that it may be something he can never talk about, something that will always haunt him," Sam says.

They all have something, and Sam Wilson's is the moment his co-pilot Riley fell out of the sky and there was nothing he had been able to do about it. He too dreams, and each time someone is giving him one more chance to save his friend. He always needs just a few more seconds but he never reaches him in time, never saves him in time. And for that, Sam will never forgive himself.

Meanwhile Tony's lawyers and the District Attorney are at in impasse. The DA, a rather florid man in his fifties named Charles Bayer, does not have enough evidence to make an arrest but he has managed to have Bucky's movements restricted and Bucky is not allowed to leave New York. He must also remain registered at Stark Tower. The main defence lawyer attached to his case is a gentleman named Jeremy Sands. Jeremy is in his late thirties, good at what he does, listens well, and Tony is pleased he is on their side. He is also honest, which Tony finds refreshing. The first thing he had insisted on was coming and meeting with James Barnes before he would agree to take on the case.

He decided to take the case within the first few minutes of meeting James but he didn't communicate this until after an hour long talk with him. The first thing James had told him was that he was the Winter Soldier, and that he was guilty. He made no effort to excuse what he had done, but he asked the lawyer if he could make a statement to say that he had not defected, nor was he a Russian sleeper agent.

"Why?" Jeremy asked.

"Because it dishonours my family's name, and the name of the Howling Commandos, and neither of them deserve that. They were honest hard working people, they were honourable soldiers."

More details have found their way onto the internet but the records are incomplete, mere fragments of data; the main problem is they in no way support Bucky's claims. No one knows who is releasing them. There is nothing there about the wiping process or the programming. There is not even anything about James Barnes being injured and interrogated. It says that whilst he previously had been an American POW he had been experimented on with __'pleasing results'__. That he __'returned'__ to them to complete the process. It just provides more nails in Bucky's coffin. He tells them about the inner-city vault but that has been completely destroyed when it blew leaving behind no discernible evidence amongst the rubble. What the explosion had not destroyed the subsequent fire had.

The days seem to progress slowly but the weeks fly by and rapidly turn into months. Some days are good, some bad. Steve and Bucky still have separate rooms at the tower but rarely spend the night apart. They managed to obtain permission to move back into Steve's apartment, but as soon as people began to recognise Bucky there were what the press referred to as "incidents." Rocks thrown through windows, graffiti on their door, the apartment is broken into twice, such things as personal photographs are stolen and then appear in the newspaper. Their personal items get trashed and the Police are unsympathetic; __what else did you expect__ ? one detective says to Steve.

And out on the street there are catcalls. Young men who want to take on the Winter Soldier, and inside Bucky the Winter Soldier stirs ready to take them apart. Sometimes it is not Bucky they recognise first, it is Steve...and __then__ Bucky. Captain America and his Howling Commando, __the dirty spy! You know the guy, the one who went over to the Russians. The killer, the murderer.__

The red star atop his arm does not help. He keeps it covered as much as he can.

Two of Bucky's brothers are still alive, and they ask to meet him. They will never know how difficult it is for him to refuse. "I can't pull them in to all of this. I can't."

Not even Steve can change his mind, and so Steve spends time with them, tries to make the other relatives understand Bucky's dilemma, and thankfully most of them do. Most of them tell Steve that they are there for when Bucky is ready to meet them. They refuse interviews with the newspapers, ignore the comments made about their kin. Their quiet refusal to believe that Bucky is anything but a victim in this is dignified. They believe in James and they always will.

But Jeremy Sands knows that if they went to trial now it would be impossible to defend him. They would hang Bucky from the nearest lamp post.

"I need something to work with. Isn't there anything, __anyone__ who can back up your claims? Anyone's life we may be able to look at that can show what it is you went through?" It's a question he asks regularly of Bucky, and Bucky shakes his head, looks away. For a moment Rollins comes to mind but Bucky rejects the thought, the man had helped him enough. He would not set him up as a target, would not throw him to the wolves.

"No. There isn't anyone."

If he told them about Freya then he would have to tell them how he betrayed her, how he let her die unloved and alone in the flames, and he will __not__ use her to protect himself. He had done nothing but use her in their time together. Had not even told her how much he had loved her. No, he would not tarnish her memory to find redemption for himself.

 **...**

It all started in the shop.

They had gone in to buy a few things to keep them going, but inevitably someone had recognised him. Someone had called the Winter Soldier's name. Someone who thought he should be strung up as a war criminal. Bucky was starting to get used to it and even believe it which depressed the hell out of Steve.

And so they tried to ignore the person at first but then others joined in like a rabid pack until Steve could see the slump in Bucky's shoulders and then finally the owner who was behind the till refused to serve them. Things began to get ugly.

Through it all Bucky did not say a word, just shrank a little further at every taunt, at every name called out, at every slur and insult. When Steve went to put them right he stopped him.

"Lets just get out of here," Bucky said, turning to walk out empty handed.

But at the back of the shop a nondescript man had been watching and it was his turn at the till now. The people were gathered around excited by the chance to gossip and he listened to them sickened by what he was hearing.

The owner handed him his change.

"What do you think?" he asks the man and the people quieten down, expecting him to agree with them, expecting him to condemn the man who walked out of the shop as if the troubles of the world were on his shoulders.

"You want the truth?" The stranger looks at him and then at the others. "He's not Russian. He's an American prisoner of war. He was held captive and tortured for seventy years. Whenever he began to remember who he was they wiped his mind and he would be in so much pain you could hear his screams echoing off the walls...what do _ _I__ think? I think he's a goddamn hero, and none of you know what you are talking about."

Although he has an American accent there is something else in his voice; they think he may be German. He takes one final look at them, as they stand quiet and shocked, then he picks up his goods and leaves the shop.

He dumps his shopping in his car and looks around to see if he can spot which way they went. He knows they are living back at Stark Tower and he needs to desperately speak with the Soldier. Today is the closest he has gotten to doing so. He starts his car and drives towards the tower, hoping he will see them on the way - and he does. They are just turning into a park opposite the tower. He parks the car, gets out, locks it, and hurries into the park after them.

He needs to talk to them. He needs their help. And they need his.

 **...**

When he finally spots them he can see they are arguing. As he gets nearer he hears the Winter Soldier's voice, full of anguish. "I told you thats what people think, and they're right. I'm a murderer and worse. I shouldn't be free Steve. I shouldn't even be alive."

They have stopped and are facing each other when they see the man about six feet away from them.

Before Steve can answer Bucky, the man hesitantly starts forward and speaks. "No. They are not right. They just do not know the facts."

Steve turns to look at him, annoyed to be interrupted. Their argument is personal, and nothing to do with strangers.

Bucky also looks up. There is something familiar about the man and he doesn't know why. His head is starting to pound and he is starting to get hot; he knows the sign of panic when it is visiting.

After his initial anger Steve is not sure what to do. The man does not seem to be armed, does not seem threatening but after the berating they had just gone through in the shop they do not need another one.

"They are wrong," the man repeats, and then hesitantly smiles. He is now about four feet away and has stopped.

Bucky looks away and turns to go; he cannot do this, he cannot cope.

"Please. Please, sir, I just need to talk to you," the man says coming forward, trying to get hold of Bucky's arm to prevent him from leaving.

"Look," says Steve thinking it may just be one more of those people who has recognised them from the TV coverage, "...leave us alone, please." He steps between Bucky and the man holding his hands up to show he doesn't want a fight. He can see the sweat on Bucky's top lip as panic starts to envelop him.

He takes Bucky's arm, turns him and they start walking away.

The man stands there staring after them but obviously upset. What can he do to stop them?

"You told me to burn her!" he shouts at Bucky, and Bucky stops dead.

He turns back around slowly. His eyes are wide with disbelief and Steve looks on as Bucky goes to take a step forward and stops. Bucky's head is pounding, the skin under his eyes is black and his face has paled.

"What did you say?" Bucky says quietly.

The man steps forward hesitantly and puts both hands out as Steve had done to show he is non threatening. All he wants is the Winter Soldier's help. "You told me to burn her...but I __didn't__."

Steve looks from the man to Bucky. "Burn who?" he asks, bewildered, but neither man answers; they are looking at each other. Bucky is back in the past, back in the room, back with Freya, close to death at his feet and this man and another are awaiting his orders.

" _ _Take this mess away and burn it!"__ That is what he had told them to do.

The man has moved closer to them both and Steve can see he is no threat at all; the man looks desperate but sincere in what he is saying. "I don't know who else to turn to. Yes, I worked for Hydra but...there is so much to tell you. There was a group of us __within__ Hydra who didn't agree with what they were doing. We hid information, we kept it safe...please just give me fifteen minutes to explain, please."

Bucky hasn't moved, his hands are clenched and he seems to be searching his mind for something. But then he looks up at the man and the anguish in his eyes is terrible. "I killed her," he says softly, eventually.

The man starts to shake his head. "No you didn't. She wasn't dead. I swear. Look, it's complicated. You told me to burn her but she was still alive and I would not have anyway. She may still die but at the moment I think we can save her but I need help." He takes a breath. "I need __your__ help."

Steve is totally lost, looking from one man to the other. "Who is __she__?"

Bucky turns to him and Steve feels as if someone has hit him in the gut at the look in Bucky's eyes.

"My Constant," he says.

"Your __what__?"

"My Constant," Bucky says, quieter this time, and then closes his eyes and for a moment sways on the spot. Steve moves closer and puts a hand out.

"Freya," he hears Bucky say.

"Please," the man implores and Steve looks around. People are starting to take notice of them.

The man then surprisingly holds out his hand.

"My name is Armand Joncker, by the way," and he tries to smile at Steve.

Automatically, Steve takes his hand and shakes. "Steve Rogers." But of course he didn't need to tell him his name he already knows exactly who he is. "Look, we can't talk here," he continues, and the man nods his agreement.

Where do they go?

This man obviously has valuable information and Steve does not want to risk Hydra seeing them talking. Armand readily agrees to return to Stark Tower with them; it isn't difficult, this man is at the end of the road, the Winter Soldier is his last hope, he has no where else to turn.

 **...**

Steve has made coffee and they sit together. Now they need to talk about whatever is happening here. Steve has a million questions, the first being who or what the Constant is, but it is Bucky who talks first.

"They told me she was working for SHIELD, that she had betrayed me," he says quietly to Armand.

"I know, but I didn't find __that__ out until it was too late. She would never betray you. I don't think she even knew who SHIELD was. I've since pieced together that she seems to have met Mr Rogers..."

"Steve," says Steve automatically.

"Sorry, Steve...at the Smithsonian and was seen and that is what sparked it off. Pierce was furious. Ordered her to be killed, and for you to do it."

Bucky looks at Steve who now is totally confused and looks from Bucky to Armand. "Who? Who did I meet?"

"A young woman called Freya..."

Steve is shaking his head and they can see he genuinely doesn't know what Armand is talking about.

"Russian, tall, um, blond hair, long plait down..."

 _ _A plait__. "Wait." And suddenly Steve can picture the woman in his mind. The one who had been so upset by Bucky's memorial. "I remember. I was at the Smithsonian. She was reading Bucky's memorial and she was crying and I asked her why. It was obvious that I had shocked her, she looked at me as if she had seen a ghost but when I tried to talk to her she ran and I lost her. Who was she?" he asks.

Armand looks at Bucky but he is staring at the floor, his hand massaging his temple. He is still pale, his skin taking on a grey tinge and black shadows under his eyes. Steve recognises the signs of the migraine that plagues Bucky whenever he tries too push to hard to remember something.

"My Constant," Bucky says quietly. Then he looks up. "But I did kill her. I remember, I remember everything I did to her, I was so angry. They showed me pictures, terrible pictures of her with...I hated her and..." He goes quiet as visions – memories - cross his mind and he begins to weep. "You were one of the guards. I told you to burn her body didn't I?" he says and Armand nods. "Rumlow told me you had burnt her, he told me she was still alive when you fed her to the flames, he said...he said she had called my name and begged me to...to..." And his voice stops, choked to much to carry on.

"But I __didn't__ burn her," Armand says earnestly. He sits forward totally concentrating on Bucky now. "I took her back to the compound and we put her in cryo freeze. I won't lie, she was very badly injured but she was still __breathing__ when we froze her."

"But the compound was destroyed."

"Not all of it."

"So where is she now?"

And Armand looks at him.

"She's still there," he says quietly. "In stasis. Under the rubble."

Steve has been quiet up until now seeing that the men needed to talk but now he needs to sort this out, find out what is going on, what they need to do. Is this the secret Bucky has been keeping from him? Is this the thing that has him waking up in the middle of the night in terror? The thing that Bucky will not talk about?

"Who is she, Buck?" he asks but Bucky just shakes his head. How can he tell Steve what he did to this woman, what he sees every night in his dreams, when he feels himself push the knife into her. When he envisions the guards pushing her into the flames.

"She was his Constant. His nurse, his... _ _companion__ ," Armand says and when Bucky does not say anything Armand tells Steve the truth about her and about the group within Hydra. "My information was passed down so some of it may be slightly incorrect but I think in the main it is true. One of the original doctors on the project began to have doubts about what Hydra was doing. This was back at the beginning of Project Winter Soldier, way before my time. He decided to make sure information remained safe so that would one day we could show the world exactly what Hydra had done. I believe the woman, whose name was Freya, came to the project as a nurse but it was not known that she already __knew__ James Barnes. She had been at the field camp he was originally taken to when he fell from the train. A couple of years later she was brought onto the project, not from choice but because she spoke English and they needed someone who could translate for them. She became James's personal nurse. Eric Jakobs, the doctor I mentioned, became friends with her. She's a good person, she changed his mind, made him realise what they were doing was wrong but there was no way they could get James out by then. I have seen a few of the films taken, some of the photographs..." And here Armand stops, he has gone pale.

Finally he continues. "They are not easy to see...but when they...broke him..." And here he looks apologetically to Bucky but Bucky's stare is a million miles away, underground. "...they worked on cryo freezing him. Each time they brought him out he would be too violent, they were unable to control him and so they made his nurse Freya, his Constant...she was with him most of the time, knew how to calm him, how to soothe him."

"Knew how to control him you mean. She was no better than they were." Steve says under his breath.

"No! No, you must not think that. If you think that then I am explaining this wrongly...it is difficult to know what to tell you and what to leave out...Freya loved him." Armand falls quiet for a while trying to organise his thoughts and during this time Bucky speaks.

"She loved me. She promised never to leave me. She was as much a prisoner to me as I was to them."

He looks at Steve and Steve can see the pain in his eyes. "She stayed with me all that time, when I was in cryo she was too and then...when they sent me to kill you they told me she had betrayed me so I...I took her apart..."

"But that's not your fault -" Steve begins.

And then the Winter Soldier laughs. And it is not a pleasant laugh. "I raped her, I tore her up inside, I put a knife in her belly and do you know what she said? She told me she loved me, she always would and then...then she told me something that saved my life, she is why I'm alive now and not back in Hydra's hands as their... _ _asset__." Steve looks at him, waiting for more. "She left me the bag in the locker, my memories in the notebook. She is the one who pointed me to the Smithsonian, she warned me about the tracking device. She told me to find you...she...she reminded me you loved me," and now Bucky dry washes his face. He feels so tired, so old.

"But she __is__ still alive?" Steve asks Armand.

He nods. "Everything went haywire that day, but she should be. We managed to stop some of the explosives going off that were connected to the level the cryo freeze rooms were on. As long as it is still all going on down there she should be but I can't get down there; the whole of the top structure was blown."

"And you can take us to this camp?"

Armand nods again. "Yes. I can."

 **...**

It is too late in the day to arrange anything so Armand leaves, promising to return the next day. Meanwhile, Steve and Bucky will come up with a rescue plan. There is no way they will leave her there any longer than they have to.

And Steve finally asks the question he has wanted to ask Bucky all day: "Did you love her?"

Bucky looks at him, he knows why Steve is asking. He needs to be honest with him.

"Yes. Yes, the Soldier loves her as much as I love you. But I never told her. You are both part of me, I can't explain it. To see you again, have you back with me is...a miracle, something I spent years needing and wanting but I don't feel whole, I need her as well but it's not because I don't love you Steve, it's...complicated. She was mine, they gave her to me, she gave herself to me...dear God how can I explain it? How can I explain __her__?"

"This is what causes the nightmares? I knew you were keeping something back. Is this it?"

And Bucky nods. "I see her burning in the flames."

Steve is resolute. "Then we need to get her back."

Bucky looks up at him. Steve loves Bucky, he will help him, he said he would never lose him again...but what will happen now? He's only just found Bucky – can he lose him again to another? A stranger? But before his thoughts can knot themselves, Bucky looks at him, seems to know exactly what he is thinking.

"I can't live without you," he says, and Steve amazes them both by bursting into tears. This time, it is Bucky's turn to comfort Steve and tell him everything is going to be all right.

"Hey, come on," he says, and Steve tries to control his emotions. He wants to say something to Bucky that he should have said the first time he awoke.

"I didn't know..." he says, and Bucky frowns.

"Know what?"

"I didn't know you were still alive. I didn't know you had survived the fall. If I had I would have come for you." Steve's voice is low and Bucky can feel its pain.

He looks down at the floor, trying to think how to answer, but Steve hasn't finished.

"I didn't even try to find you. To bring your body home. And that haunts me." He doesn't try to explain that at the high speed the train was going they had no idea of where he fell within a 100 mile radius. He doesn't try and blame it on anyone else, or on the circumstances. As far as he is concerned it was up to him and he dropped the ball.

"They told me you had moved on. Even told me you and...Peggy Carter?" he pauses and Steve nods. "...were engaged to be married. That you had forgotten me. Then they told me you were dead. The bottom dropped out of my world that day." More and more memories begin to surface. Sometimes Bucky is desperate for them, but sometimes he wishes his mind would pull up the drawbridge and bolt the door.

"Do you forgive me?" Steve asks. They lock gazes, and Bucky lifts his right hand and places it on Steve's face, then leans in and kisses him.

"There is nothing to forgive, there was nothing you could have done, nothing," he says when he breaks the kiss.

 **...**

Tony is ranting. "So, let me get this straight. There is a camp full of Hydra technology only thirty goddamn miles away from here and you didn't think to __tell anyone__? You know tell someone like your best friend here or your goddamn __lawyer__?"

Bucky is defensive. "I didn't know! I can't remember everything, I don't know if I ever will. I knew about the vault but never stopped to think about the other camp. I didn't even __know__ where it was or that it was that close. It's not like its a summer camp parents would send their kids to! When I was there I was usually up to my neck in ice and that was after they had put my brain through the blender!" He responds to Tony's sarcasm with anger. This is all wasting time; they should be going; they should be on their way there now.

"Buck, we have to plan this. We need the resources." Steve had argued the same last night, and this is why Bucky is now sat around a table with Steve, Tony, Pepper, Sam and Nat. But Bucky is getting angry and when he gets angry it is easier for the Soldier to take control.

"Tell me again who this woman is? Did you say she was Hydra?" Nat asks.

"No. She's not theirs! She's mine!" Bucky's voice is a low growl and everyone stops talking.

Nat is taken aback by the force in his voice, but she then leans forward. "Thats not what I asked but what do you mean, __she's yours__?" she asks, ready for a fight. She can see shades of someone else in Bucky's eyes and she knows who it is.

"She belongs to me." Bucky's eyes are totally focused on her now and Tony looks at Steve, frowning. Pepper shifts in her seat. She is sat next to Nat and can feel the heat from Bucky's glare.

"What do you mean belongs to you?" she asks. She has not met the Soldier but the tone in Bucky's voice is disturbing.

"She's mine. They gave her to me. She belongs to me. Freya belongs to me."

"Don't be stupid. Nobody can __give__ another human being away You're talking about slavery." Pepper's voice has a hard edge to it and both women now are as totally concentrated on Bucky as he is on them. His metal hand is on the table and curls in a fist. Steve sees it and glances at Bucky's face.

"Hey Buck, let's cool it down a bit shall we," he says, touching Bucky's arm, but Bucky shrugs him off.

"She belongs to me, no one else can have her," his tone of voice is run through with paranoia, possessiveness, its as if they are talking and planning on taking something away from him.

"Okay but..."

"No, it's not okay Steve, we're not rescuing this woman and then handing her over to a …" Nat's own temper is rising.

"A what...a psychopath?" Bucky's voice is cold.

"If thats what you want to call __him.__ " She stares at him, working out if she can reach the knife in her boot before he snaps.

"You cannot __own__ someone, Sergeant Barnes." Pepper uses his rank and name to try and get him to snap back into line. "It sounds like she was a prisoner every much as you were. Did it ever occur to you that she stayed because they _ _wouldn't__ let her walk away? They wouldn't let her go?" It is the cruellest question he has ever been asked, but she will never know that.

The Soldier stops. Blinks. "She stayed because she is mine. She belongs to me!" he repeats, but his tone is less certain.

"So, not because she wanted to?" Pepper reiterates, doing more damage than she will ever know.

"If we get her out of there then we are not handing her over to you. And you need to understand that before we go any further," Nat says.

The Soldier looks down at the table, his lips moving as if he is still talking and Nat risks a glance at Steve but it is Sam that shakes his head to warn her to back off. They wait a few minutes and then Steve leans forward to get his attention.

"Buck," he says. "Bucky..." And finally Bucky looks up. Steve's voice is gentle, quiet. "They're right. If we bring her back then she will be her own person. She won't belong to you any more and you will need to give her her freedom, you understand that don't you? She has to be able to choose her own life." The look in the Soldier's eyes is heart breaking. " _ _Buck__?"

And after what seems an age Bucky and the Winter Soldier nod their head. He feels panicked because he knows they are right. __But she was mine, she is all I have__ he wants to cry. But then he knows the truth: __we can't have her, we have to let her go.__ And it shows the love the Soldier has for the woman as he unwillingly agrees with the people around the table. Freya will have her own life to lead without him. He has never been able to give her anything before; now, he will give her freedom. He feels as if he is going to be sick as his stomach churns, as if he has lost control of the only thing that matters to him, his reason for remaining. Bucky has Steve, the Soldier no longer has anyone, he has lost both Bucky and Freya, he is alone, totally.

They think they are doing the right thing but they have just taken away the only reason Freya will feel she has for living.

Tomorrow they will head out with Armand. There will be enough of them to rescue the woman, and Ales will go with them to supply medical support. They will not advise the authorities - especially as they will be going against the law regarding Bucky's movements.

Tony has already arranged with Jarvis a private mission of his own. Any information found out there will be downloaded and stored in the Tower's system. They will then blow the place to the proverbial kingdom come.

Maybe, he tells Jarvis, they will find the missing pieces that will complete the picture. Up until now he has only had the bits and pieces he had secretly released to the press hoping someone somewhere could supply more. Perhaps now he will obtain the pieces that will fit in and show the world what the Winter Soldier did, what a monster he is, and Tony can stop playing his game of bluff.

Maybe he can even finally come to terms with the loss of his parents.

And maybe, Jarvis thinks, there are the proverbial flying pigs out there.


	83. Chapter 83 - The Rescue

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eighty-Three:**** ** **The Rescue****

Steve Rogers watches James Barnes.

His friend cannot settle; it is not the first time he has been like this and it will not be the last. He knows why they are waiting until the following day to carry out their plan but it doesn't mean he has to like it. He can just about cope with that - but the Winter Soldier cannot. Since he found out that Freya is still alive, he simply cannot let the thought go. She is his. She belongs to him. They are delaying him because they want her for themselves, they want to give her freedom, to make her leave him.

He can't allow that. If he does then he will die. To find her after all this time when he thought she was dead, and then for them to take her away again? Bucky has his __Steve,__ so why can the Soldier not have her? The internal struggle inside his mind is tremendous. Two opposing forces, one with an iron will, the other just clinging on to the vestiges of himself. His reasoning makes no logical sense, but then again it never has and probably never will. Bucky has not slept and is irritable, talking to himself and Steve genuinely does not know what to do to calm him.

He's aware that Rogers is watching him and he tries to calm himself down, tries to sit and read quietly, but how can he concentrate? Tony is with them at the moment talking to Rogers about what they will need to take with them. From time to time he turns and asks Bucky questions. __This is a waste of time,__ he wants to shout. __We should just get going!__

The conversation in his mind is daunting; it flips from one personalty to another and it causes physical pain. __I need to keep her.__ You can't! __Why not? I won't hurt her this time, I won't...__ You will, you always hurt people. _ _She is mine!__ No she is not, she is her own person. We have to let her go, we owe her that. __I need her.__ I know you do. __No you don't! You have Steve and he has you. She is all I have! She is mine!__

"I can't believe that someone let bombs off thirty miles outside of Washington and no one thought what the hell?" Tony is grumbling. His temper seems to be sympathetic to the Soldier's own bad temper. All this time wasted when the answers may only be thirty miles away.

"I asked Armand about that," Steve says. "He explained that Pierce had Hydra people in the seismic research centre and they would alter the readings to show there had been a minor earthquake, that there was nothing to worry about. It shows you how Pierce had covered every base. I guess that day with everything else happening, a low grade quake was nothing."

"I still don't like it," Tony grumbles as a parting shot leaving them finally in peace.

Steve has gotten used to Bucky disappearing at times. He knows he is always to be found in the exercise suite Tony has set up. Bucky told him that when the Soldier is at his most vulnerable, at a point when he wants to explode with fury, he goes running on one of Tony's exercise machines and this is what he tells Steve now. He looks exhausted.

"I'll just run for a while and then shower and sleep. I'll use my old room for tonight and see you in the morning." And Steve nods. It is rare, but there are times Bucky needs his space.

It is a shame that Steve doesn't realise that Bucky is already asleep. That only the Soldier is awake.

 **...**

"You're going to have to tell lover boy we're not going tomorrow," Tony's tone of voice is argumentative. They need to be prepared because they do not know what they are going to find. Tony has asked for another twenty-four hours in case they need to bring heavy excavating equipment in. Steve doesn't like it but he can see where Tony is coming from.

"I know, Tony, and please stop calling him that!" Steve takes a deep breath. Tony may be a good friend, but sometimes he feels he could punch him in his perfect teeth when Tony gives him that Stark smile. "His name is Bucky," Steve reminds him.

"Hmm, yes. Says a lot about him too. __Boy Wonder Bucky, sidekick Bucky, superstud Bucky,__ " and at that point Steve's eyes go dangerously dark and he steps up into Tony's personal space.

"Sir..." Jarvis' voice rings out.

"Don't start, don't call him that, don't..." Steve glares at Tony and if looks could kill...

"What? __Bucky__?" Tony taunts.

"Sir..."

"You __just__ told me to call him that."

"Captain Rogers..." Jarvis' voice tries to break in once more.

"Everything's always a game to you isn't it Stark, everything, doesn't matter if you hurt people as long as __you__ get your kicks!" and Steve jabs him in the chest.

"Sir I need to..."

"Shut up Jarvis..." Tony snaps.

"But I..."

"I don't care if the goddamn building is on fire... _ _NOT NOW!__ " Tony yells and then turns back to Steve.

"Sometimes, Rogers, I feel as though I could punch you in your perfect teeth!" Ironically snapping the words that only moments ago Steve had been thinking about Tony.

"Everything with you has to be about your good friend Bucky Barnes, superhero, super victim, super..." he sees Steve's eyes darken further and smiles. "You wanna hit me?" he says as Steve gets even closer. "You want to have a go, then go on!"

Jarvis is quiet. He is an electronic system, but as he listens to the argument brewing between the two men he begins to feel his difference to other machines. A machine should not feel anger or pain or just be plain fed up, but he is actually learning to. He is evolving. And Tony has not quite realised that yet.

If Jarvis was capable he would mutter and walk out. Instead in a low grade hum neither man can hear, he mutters to himself. "Then I won't tell you that Sergeant Barnes has just stolen the Quinjet and left."

 **...**

"What! __What!__ Why the hell didn't you tell me!" Tony's voice is incredulous as he listens to Jarvis telling him that Barnes has already left the tower five hours ago.

"I tried to tell you but at the time you were busy swapping insults with Captain Rogers...and I believe your words to me were NOT NOW Jarvis!" and he plays Tony's voice back to him.

Tony stands there stunned. He doesn't know what has surprised him more: the fact that Barnes has gone AWOL, or the fact that Jarvis is actually developing a personality. A sentient personality. A sarcastic personality. This is something he will have to tuck away in his mind and think about later.

"Do you know where he's gone?" Sam asks, and Tony tuts. Jarvis relates the co-ordinates for the base.

"Well now, there's a surprise," he mutters, then turns to Steve.

"I take it this means you can't control your... _ _Bucky__."

Steve looks at him and then strangely enough the anger that has been gnawing at him for so long seems to drain out of him and he sighs heavily, wipes his face with his hand.

"I've never been able to control my Bucky," he replies. And for some reason ducks his head and smiles.

 **...**

Two hours later they are ready to leave. There are six of them all together. Steve, Armand, Natasha, and Doctor Ales Novak in one helicopter with Nat at the helm. Sam is bringing in a second helicopter full of supplies which may be needed. He will stay up top and monitor any movement to ensure they do not get caught by either Hydra or their own government.

Tony travels in his Iron Man suit and will meet them there. Pepper is arranging for a medical bed to be set up. When they bring Freya back they will use the Quinjet and Tony is planning on keeping her at the tower with a personal nurse. If any other special care is needed then they will cross that bridge when they come to it. They do not want anyone else knowing about this patient.

When they arrive they can see the Quinjet parked up but it is deserted. The place is eerily quiet. The demolished buildings are little more than stacks of wood and rubble. The base looks as though it has been deserted for years. It is supposed to look that way. There are alarms that will be tripped so the idea would have been to get in there and out as quickly as possible, but Bucky's early leaving schedule has put paid to that plan. As Tony flies in, Jarvis confirms that there are three alarms sending out pulses to different locations but as yet nobody seems to have responded. It could be that for now Hydra has left it unguarded as they had not expected to lose in such a permanent way. Jarvis silences the alarms.

Armand points out the Project Winter Soldier building. He has already given them a good indication of what to expect and a floor by floor layout from what he could remember. Nat asks him what he will do now. Armand explains he is going back to his country of birth to start a new life. It is what he intended to do all along but he wanted to make sure that Freya was rescued first. He had heard that his friend Morgan, who had helped save her, was dead – he had been one of the people Rumlow had found and killed. Armand now knows the Winter Soldier has killed Rumlow and put an end to him hunting down Hydra traitors.

Sam has his wings. He will keep look-out together with his robotic drone, Redwing, who will scout the outlying area. With him up top they should be safe down below.

It turns out to be far easier than they had first thought. Bucky has already cleared what small amount of debris there was away from the lift shaft and has thrown a rope down to what they assume is the correct depth. Even if it not, it will have been well within the Soldier's power to jump the rest of the way. They set up lights and follow the rope's descent. It does not reach to the bottom, but it doesn't need to. It just needs to go to the third level down where the cryo freeze rooms are located.

Armand explains each floor has its own independent power source and lighting. The base is – was - earthquake proof. The idea of the detonations were to take out the top layer but the layers underneath would be safe. When they reach the correct level they should find it unbreached.

They don't.

When they come out of the lift shaft the lights are on but flickering. The long corridor of concrete has large cracks in the walls and they can hear a noise from up ahead but cannot see until they walk around the corner. Both Armand and Ales insist on coming down with them. Armand explains where they need to go.

Up ahead the corridor is blocked by fallen stone. And up ahead is the Soldier. As they get nearer he stops and turns. Steve swallows. The Soldier is a mess. He has been moving rocks from the fall, trying to clear a way so he can continue down the tunnel. He's covered in dust and dirt, his hair greasy and pushed back, his clothing is torn, his jacket is discarded in the corner. He is sweating, his right hand is bloodied, the tips of the fingers shredded and his metal arm is making noises it shouldn't be. His face is scratched and there is an open wound on his cheek that has bled badly and the dried blood is smudged and dirty. His eyes are the worst: bloodshot, with black shadows underneath showing he is in pain with this head. But Steve knows he is looking at the Winter Soldier and not Bucky.

Jarvis had confirmed it had taken eleven minutes for the Quinjet to reach its destination. It would have taken less than hour for the Soldier to clear the rubble by the lift and get down here. That means the rest of the time has been spent trying to clear the fall, and you can see it in his face. It is amazing how much he has managed.

The Soldier throws a large rock away from him and straightens up. He looks at Steve. Steve opens his rucksack. He does it slowly so the Soldier can see what he is doing. He then takes a bottle of water, indicates it is for the Soldier and throws it to him. It is caught.

Tony for once sees sense and hangs back, allowing Steve to talk to Bucky even though Nat has already said to him quietly that she doesn't think it is Bucky watching them.

The Soldier unscrews the bottle top. He trusts Steve Rogers, he then drinks down the water, it was desperately needed. He wipes his arm over his mouth.

"I don't want an argument. I don't want to fight. But I do want to deal with Bucky, and not you," Steve says calmly.

The Soldier's eyes narrow, then he laughs and throws the empty bottle to the side. "It's always Bucky you want," he says.

"We can debate this all you want but whilst we do time is wasting. I thought you came here to get your Constant. We came to help, and if you let us the sooner we can get her out of her and get her medical help."

"And the sooner you can take her away from me." The voice is hard, the words said through gritted teeth.

"No one is going to take her away. She'll be given a choice, and nothing you can say will alter that." Steve holds his hands up in an __it's up to you__ gesture.

Armand is talking quietly to Natasha, trying to give her an idea of the layout of the floor they are on. In the time they have been down here it looks to Nat as if the Winter Soldier is unravelling. She is watching the two men and it is the Winter Soldier's eyes that look to her. She says nothing, she does not fully trust him and it will be a long time until she does.

The Soldier nods and turns away; he needs to start digging again. He dislodges a large stone that starts a small rockfall and the rocks nearly knock him over.

"Buck, hang on, wait, this isn't going to work." Steve looks back at Tony, who steps forward as though summoned.

Steve walks forward and takes his friend's shoulder to pull him away; the Winter Soldier spins around and very nearly punches him but lowers his fist just in time. He is so tired, he knows he cannot do this by himself.

"I need to find her," he says his voice quiet and earnest and he looks back along the corridor filled with rocks.

"We will, I promise." __Please God let her be alive when we do,__ Steve prays.

Tony knows he has to play it straight but even so there is a swagger in his walk. He lifts his hand with his IM laser then looks at the Soldier and uses his hand to indicate he needs to step back. He looks at Steve and Steve nods.

"Trust him," he says quietly, and the Soldier steps back.

The Iron Man suit takes down the rubble fast and as soon as there is an opening the Winter Soldier scrabbles up the rock pile and through.

"Buck wait," Steve calls following him. The passageway has been shored up on this side but they don't know what to expect on the other side.

By a miracle the passageway is not only clear but there is still power and most of the lights are on. It is eerie; there is no sound and as they follow in the Winter Soldier's trail their footsteps ring out from the concrete walls.

This is where the Winter Soldier spent so much of his time.

The Winter Soldier runs and soon disappears around a corner. They follow. Tony is behind, talking to Jarvis ensuring that Jarvis gets every detail he can, instructing him to miss nothing. After they have found whatever it is they are after he will blow this place to high heaven. If he truly had his way he would do it with the Winter Soldier still down here.

Steve, Natasha, Armand, and Ales follow with Armand telling them what the rooms were used for. "We just need to throw a few switches in here first," he says, pushing through a door labelled Main Room.

They find themselves in a large room full of machinery and computer screens. In the middle of the room is a chair. It is a chilling sight. The leather seating is old and cracked and has seen a lot of use. They look at the restraints. They know the darker patches in the leather are blood. Armand confirms it is what they called the Master Chair and it is the chair that Bucky was strapped into it when the wipes takes place.

Armand presses some switches and then nods.

"We need to get to the cryo freeze rooms. That is where he has headed."

When they arrive at cryo room room one, Steve feels sick. You can almost smell the iron smell of dried blood and you can see it in dried pools on the floor. The Winter Soldier is there, staring at the stains. Looking at it, he can see a trail of it leads through to cryo room two.

"No, no," he is saying quietly to himself. He goes to the door and pushes but it doesn't open. Steve goes over to it and looks around the door; it is the same type they would find in a submarine. Armand is over at the control desk clicking on switches. He doesn't know the full procedure, he can only remember some of what his friend showed him. He prays it is enough. Both Steve and the Soldier try to push the door across but despite their combined strength it will not budge.

"Do you know how to open the door?" Steve asks Armand as the Soldier pounds on it.

"It has a code but I don't have it," but before Armand can say any more Tony, who has caught up with them, reaches forward and forcefully pulls the Soldier back and away. The Soldier actually growls but Steve steps in between them.

"He can open the door Buck, you have to trust us," and in the Soldier's eyes he sees for the first time signs that Bucky is there, is awake. Steve lowers his voice "You __need__ to control him," he warns.

Tony blasts the door lock and the door stutters back and into the wall. Immediately a coldness seeps out and around their ankles. They step through the door opening and walk through to the next room and as they do automatic lights come on and they realise the room has not escaped the damage. The place is covered in a thick dust with cracks running around the walls but the worst is the ceiling, part of which has started to collapse.

Steve doesn't think he has ever seen a more depressing sight than the room. It is so cold their breath mists out in front of them and there is a smell of mould and age. The light is murky almost as if they are in some underwater cavern. The walls are sheathed in metal which is frosted and is rusting at the seams. Where it is so cold and where the damage has taken place the metal itself has cracked, bent and bowed under pressure.

"No, no, no," that is when Steve hears the desperation in his friend's voice. Sees him staring ahead.

Packed into the corner is some type of pod. And a concrete beam has fallen and sliced it in half.

When the Soldier sees it he stops dead in his tracks, but then it is Bucky who walks very slowly over to it but as he gets closer he begins to realise it is empty and instead he spins around to the second one.

His pod.

Armand comes up behind Steve and Bucky. "We put her in yours because of the different power source. Morgan said it would be safer for her, more likely to remain stable," he then sees the damaged pod and realises the shock the Soldier must have had when he first came in.

The Soldier walks to his pod, which lies undamaged and closed. They can hear a hissing sound coming from it as it sluices the cold mixture around and as the Winter Soldier wipes the moisture away from the small glass panel they can see there is someone inside. But he also sees the amount of dried blood on the outside of the pod, he cannot believe he has finally found her only to find she is dead.

Tony approaches. He is talking and for the first time the Winter Soldier listens to what he is saying, but it makes no sense to him. Jarvis is inside the computer in the previous room and they are discussing how to open the pod and the details of who is inside.

"This is her?" Natasha asks. The Soldier looks at her and for the first time ever she feels compassion for him; the eyes are the window to his soul. He is so close to being broken.

"My Constant," he says. He turns to Steve, puts his hand out as if by touching Steve it will help. Steve realises it is now Bucky looking at him. "Don't let her be dead, please don't let her be dead."

"Do you know how to work this thing?" Tony asks Bucky.

"No, but.."

"Then shut up and let me concentrate." He turns back to the pod examining it.

Bucky removes his hand and Steve can see by the sudden tensing that the Soldier is back in charge. He takes a step towards Tony, who moves around the pod. Tony turns back to him. The look on the Soldier's face is frightening but Tony remains calm although inside his heart starts thumping. He looks at Bucky then at Steve. "Temper tantrums? Really? I'd take your boyfriend and move away and let the experts do their work."

Tony pushes past speaking to Steve indicating he is to get Bucky out of there. Then, clipping something to the keypad, he leaves it to Jarvis.

"Come on Buck, you need to let them work it out." Steve pulls Bucky by the arm, there is resistance but then he moves but he won't leave the freezing room.

Ales approaches Bucky.

"Can either you or Armand give me an idea about her injuries so I know what I'm looking at?" he asks and Steve sees Bucky tense. Ales continues to watch him until Bucky ducks his head, coughs to clear his throat and then looks at the floor.

"Knife wounds," he says, and Ales nods even though Bucky is not looking at him

"Where?" he asks. For a moment Bucky doesn't understand and looks up.

Steve touches his arm. "Where on her are the knife wounds?"

Bucky again looks at the ground and crosses his arms.

"Um. In, in her stomach and in her side...between her ribs," he says softly.

"What type of knife was it?" Ales can see he needs to explain things more in his questioning. "Was the blade serrated or smooth and how deep were the cuts? I need to know so I can work out the damage, I may not be able to see the entire wound."

The Soldier looks at him and before either Ales or Steve can move a knife appears in Bucky's hand. He hands it handle-first to Ales. "It was like this one."

He watches as Ales checks it over. He hands it back.

"What about other wounds?"

Bucky takes a deep breath.

"Her left arm, it's...cut at the top, skin deep, then the skin removed." Ales and Steve both try not to let any emotions show on their faces; Ales needs these details but for one second he is tempted to ask why the skin was removed. He doesn't.

Bucky clears his throat again. Steve picks up the backpack and passes him another bottle of water.

Bucky talks whilst opening the bottle. "She went through a glass panel. I think she may still have shards of the glass in her."

"Okay, where on her body?"

"Her back mostly...

A new voice joins the conversation: Armand. "We removed some of them but there are two large pieces, here and here," he shows Ales where the glass is using Steve as a model, "...and a piece here just above the hip on her left side. There are probably much smaller shards under her skin as well."

Ales is beginning to realise this is not going to be a walk in the park. "Anything else?"

"Morgan gave her a dose of antibiotics because there were...other cuts and bruises and...bites..." He has to tell Ales but he feels uncomfortable in front of the Soldier.

"And. I raped her." Bucky says, so quietly that they barely hear him.

"It sounds like the worst of the wounds will be the knife wound in her stomach so I'll concentrate on that first," Ales has to turn and walk away because if he doesn't he feels like he is going to reach out and smash __Bucky__ against the wall, even though he does not consider himself a violent man.

When this is all finished he will sit Natasha down and demand to know the whole story. He needs to understand what has actually been happening here just so he can cope with it. He approaches her now.

"Hey..." she says looking at his face, which has paled under its natural colouring.

"Could you assist me when they get that...thing open?" he asks.

She frowns. "I'm not a nurse..."

"No but you are a woman and so is she," he says and they look at each other without speaking. Finally she nods. It is a testament to the life she has lived that she understands what he is saying.

It takes Jarvis fifteen minutes to find the information he needs and another fifteen minutes to start the process to release the woman from cryo freeze, but he warns that she is close to death. They will need to evacuate her the moment they can. Ales stands by ready to step forward as the pod is opened. He is in awe of what is happening and is saying a silent prayer that he can do what is needed.

The pod makes a deep clicking noise and the top opens upwards and then away down to the side. Curled on her right side in the middle of it is an unconscious woman in the foetal position. The blood, although dried, is still red and is now beginning to defrost and dribble down the side. She is so pale they could believe she is already gone. As her skin becomes more supple it turns a worrying grey colour. She has on what was once a white shift but it is stuck to her body with the dried blood. Her hands are curled together at her chest almost as if in prayer. Her hair is frosted still and her long plait is draped over her body. On her left hand side at the top of her arm the shift is completely stuck to a large blood stain. It looks to Ales as if it is a star shape and for a moment he glances back at the Soldier whose own star shows high on his left arm.

Ales turns back to Freya and begins to evaluate her wounds. Meanwhile, Tony is checking that Jarvis is searching and downloading everything he possibly can.

Steve realises Bucky is holding back, his eyes wide and a look of utter fear and desperation on his face. He is willing to bet that look is the Soldier's as well as Bucky's. He wants to step forward, he wants desperately to see her but he is so frightened at what he will see.

Ales looks back at them. "She is breathing, barely. I just don't know what the situation is with someone who has been... _ _frozen__ so I will work on the assumption as I would in a normal case. Her blood loss is great and we need to get her out of here as soon as possible to try and stabilise her. You said she has some of the __serum__ in her?" Steve nods. When Ales had joined their circle by looking after Bucky, Nat had been honest with him and told him about the serum.

Ales looks at her now. "We cannot turn her on to her back because there is still some glass in there, but I do need to remove the gown to see," he says and she nods and steps forward to help. The other men move away to give them privacy.

Tony has everything standing by; he is determined to keep her close, determined to keep her at the tower because he knows by doing so he will keep the Winter Soldier shackled to him as well but Ales is now saying that may not be possible. She may need to be flown to a hospital; her wounds are too serious. She will need intensive care.

The Soldier finally takes a step forward and a for a moment everyone goes quiet. Ales continues to work on Freya and Bucky steps around to the other side of the pod. He puts his hand out to touch her cheek. Steve can see his jaw clenched, his other hand is in a fist. They realise he is crying.

He looks down at the woman. At Freya. At the woman who has constantly been at his side all the time he was a prisoner and the Soldier prays that she will live because he doesn't __just__ know who she is, he remembers everything about her. And it feels as though his heart is splitting in two.

As Nat peels away some more of her shift Bucky sees something on Freya's hip that he recognises because he had the same mark on his. He looks up at Steve.

"She has a tracking device. The same as mine, in the same place," and Steve nods. Tony looks at him.

"You still got yours?" he asks and Bucky shakes his head.

"Do you think that one still works?" He indicates Freya's and Bucky nods.

"How did you get yours out?" Tony asks.

When Bucky looks up at him, it is the Soldier. "I used a gun and a bullet," he says.

Tony is quiet for a moment. "Makes sense, should have let me do it," he mutters.

"And let you miss the mark? Shoot a bit higher up than necessary?" the Soldier asks and Tony smirks, he knows exactly what the Soldier is thinking.

"We'll have to make sure her's is removed," Steve says. They cannot risk anything giving her or Bucky away.

Tony nods. "Couldn't agree with you more."

Bucky looks down at Freya. __Please God let her live. If you need a life take mine just don't take hers. If you let her live I promise I will let her go. I will give her the freedom she deserves.__

And it is the Soldier who makes this last promise.


	84. Chapter 84 - Freya

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eighty-Four: Freya****

You open your eyes, and then close them again. The light is so bright it hurts them. For a moment, you lie still in the darkness. You have no memory of where you are, or what has happened, and so you struggle to think. You can hear a rushing noise in your ears and your head hurts. You are lying on your side and you are aware of how painful waking is. Your body feels strange, alien, as if it does not belong to you.

What can you last remember?

You don't know.

Where are you?

You don't know.

Maybe at the base, or at the inner-city unit?

You don't know.

You struggle to open your eyes again and you can hear a beeping noise, quiet, and even. Your eyesight is blurry. Someone comes forward and touches your hand – or, at least, you think they do. There is a voice, a female voice, but you cannot work out what it is they are saying.

Your mind isn't ready and you feel so tired that you allow it to slip back into sleep.

 **...**

You remember nothing about waking previously. You open your eyes and the light is so bright. You close them and then open them again blinking. You try and lift your hand to touch your face, to wipe your eyes, but your arm is attached to something and you hear a voice, a female voice.

"Hey. Steady. Not so fast." Someone gently takes your hand and places it back down.

"Maggie?" you mumble. Is it Maggie? Is she here? Where are you? At which base? Your thoughts are confused, muddled, and your head is pulsing but as you struggle to stay awake the humming in your ears begins to lessen and you begin to see a bit more clearly. You try to sit up but it is beyond you and the woman tells you to rest.

There is something you must ask though before you sleep again, something important, and you try to hold on to the woman to ask her.

"Where is my Soldier?" But your voice is too weak and she cannot understand what you have asked.

"Shush now. Go back to sleep. You're safe," she says.

 **...**

You are awake. You do not recognise the room nor the woman sitting on the bed next to you. She is holding your wrist taking your pulse and smiling at you. She looks kind, but you have learnt to trust no one - except your Winter Soldier.

You would like to get out of the bed, but you can't. You have just tried and tipped over the drip you are attached to and the woman with you had to come to your aid. As she came forward to catch you she was trying to calm you as well, telling you that everything is alright, that there was no need to worry. She laid you back against the pillows and you could see the worry in her eyes. You don't recognise her at all. How does she know you? Have you lost your memory? And then you think something that makes you go cold.

Did they wipe you?

"I'm sorry. Are you okay? No, what a stupid question, of course you're not okay." You realise that her voice is soft, gentle and caring. There is an accent there but one you have never heard before. She picks up the drip and sees that it is still thankfully attached, and then she is looking at you. You don't think you have ever seen such a naturally beautiful person before in your life. Her hair is a light brunette and she is wearing a cream coloured top paired with khaki trousers. You estimate that she is in her early thirties.

You do not have the energy to move as she sits on the bed. If she is evil, which somehow just looking at her you doubt very much, you don't think you care. You feel so tired, you just want to lie there and listen to her.

"My name is Keren. You are at a place called Stark Tower. Doctor Novak will be along in a moment. You're safe, and nobody will hurt you," and she smiles.

Your mouth is dry and you want to ask her the one thing that means the most to you. She leans forward and picks up a beaker with a straw in it and helps you drink. The water is cool, refreshing, and such a blessing. You try again, "Where is James? Where is the Soldier, is he all right? Is he safe?"

Her smile falters for a brief second but then she is nodding. "He's safe and well."

"Can I see him?" you ask.

"Later I'm sure, but for now you need to rest." You want to argue but your thoughts are sluggish and you believe her, your mind needs to believe her.

You just want to know a little more about her. "Who are you?" you ask, and she smiles.

"I'm here to help until you are a bit better. I'm a nurse."

"Not...Hydra?"

"No, not Hydra. You're safe, I promise. You're with friends."

"Your accent..."

And she laughs lightly. "Can't fool you, can I? Kiwi. I'm from New Zealand. Just visiting over here really, and helping out a friend. Now, you need to sleep or the doctor will be telling me off."

You are already closing down again but before your eyes close you ask again. "He is all right isn't he?"

And she smiles, and nods: "Yes, he's fine. Now sleep."

 **...**

When you awaken the next time, you are alone.

Although it is not exceptionally bright in your room now, the light still makes your eyes blink to try and clear themselves. At least you are able to sit up this time. You are no longer attached to a drip and you see a cup on the bedside unit. You reach over and very unsteadily pick it up, you have to use both hands to bring it close to you to drink.

Your body hurts. Everything hurts. You look at your fingers; two are splintered together, the rest show vague traces of bruising and scratches. You touch your face. You think it might be bruised as the skin feels tender. Then you look at your arms. On your lower arm the only mark you can see is where the drip was but as you bend your left arm it feels tight. The top is bandaged; just the area where the star is.

You gently pat your body and that hurts. You still have no clear idea of what happened, but you were obviously very seriously injured.

You look around the room. It doesn't look like any of the bases you have been on. It looks like a hospital, but then at the same time it also looks like someone's bedroom.

You push the sheets back and swing your feet around so you are sat on the edge of the bed. You stop as a bout of blackness threatens the edges of your vision.

"Hold on a minute," you murmur. You reach down and pull your gown up to look at your legs. They show a few signs of bruising and scratches but otherwise are clear. You then peer down the front of the gown and that is when you see the wounds and coverings.

In a moment of dizziness you feel a blade cutting into your stomach, plunging deep, the pain is horrendous and you feel nauseous so you lay down on your side. You are starting to sweat and the room has gotten very hot. You pull up your feet so they are on the bed. Without wanting to you start to cry, but that hurts too and as that pain joins the pain in your belly you see another flash of memory, the knife again but this time forcing your ribs apart. You see the person holding it.

It was the Soldier who did this to you. __Your__ Soldier.

You hear a door open and footsteps muffled by carpet.

"Oh no! Oh no, please don't cry." It is the woman again. Was her name Maggie? No, Maggie was someone else. Keren. It was Keren, but you don't think you know her so how do you know her name?

You feel cool hands on your forehead and she gently eases you back into bed properly, murmuring to you, telling you everything is going to be all right, but you know that it won't be. You have lost your Soldier. You have lost James. And that hurts more than all the wounds on your body combined.

"James," you sob, and you feel her stroke your hair but you don't want anyone to touch you and you turn away and try to curl in on yourself.

You hear her talk to someone. A man. Someone takes hold of your arm and you try to stop them but you can't you have no energy left. You feel a slight prick of a needle and then coolness enters your body and takes your mind far away.

 **...**

When you next awaken the woman is there with you, sat next to you in a chair with a book in her lap.

"Hello, Freya," she says, smiling, and you can almost see relief in her eyes. She leans forward and then stands, the book falls of her lap. She bends to pick it up. You wonder for a brief moment what she is reading. Such a normal thought when you don't even know where you are.

She helps you sit up and drink some water and then asks you if you think you could eat something. You think you are going to say no when your stomach reminds you it is actually there and it is hungry.

"Sorry, I can't remember..." you say. You want to know who she is. She tells you her name and says you are safe and at somewhere called Stark Tower. You nod as if it all makes sense. You are beginning to think this is some elaborate game of Hydra's and until you know more you will play along.

"Could I get out of bed? And, you know..." And she realises you need to use the bathroom. She helps you to one that is connected to your room and afterwards you are sweating so much you are glad to get back to the bed but instead you ask if you can sit in the chair. That seems to please her and she helps you to sit down. You see the title of the book she was reading __In The Moon of Red Ponies__ by someone called James Lee Burke. What a beautiful title for a book, you think.

"Now, how do you feel if I leave you for a moment and go and warm up some soup?" she asks and you look up at her. Her eyes are full of concern for you.

"That would be nice," and you smile. She tells you she won't be a moment and you watch to see her go.

You count to ten and then groaning you stand back up again and make your way to the door. You open it and peer outside.

What you see nearly takes your breath away and you open your door wider. You are looking up into an huge glass atrium. The floor is shaped like a gigantic oblong with doors leading off into rooms which you assume must be similar to yours. In the middle of the floor is a gigantic opening. You walk forward to the banister that looks over it and when you look down you think you can see almost right to the bottom of the building. Large trees and plants grow up and the light from the atrium must be what feeds them, gives them the nutrients they need.

You pull back when you get a feeling of tipping over the banister and look at the floor. The carpet is so thick and you move your toes to feel the warmth of it. You look around and then start walking towards a well-lit, carpeted corridor with even more doors leading from it. At the end there is a pair of double doors.

You take it steady, one hand on the banister, then the wall. Your body is reminding you it is still a way from being healed. You see a door that is ajar and you can hear voices. You have forgotten the woman, Hydra, or even to be afraid: everything else is too overwhelming.

You gently push the door open a bit more and look in, then take two steps forward.

The interior is huge and there is electronic equipment everywhere. Sat in the middle is a man in his early forties with short black hair, a moustache and a small pointed beard. He is seated at a bench holding what looks like a metal glove, and is talking to someone but you cannot see anyone else in the room with him.

"Just try..."

"But we did, sir...forty seven times."

"Well try again, if I increase the potential to..."

"Uh, sir..."

"...to about ninety..."

"Really, sir..." And this time the voice coughs and the man looks up and straight at you.

You still cannot see the other person. You don't know what to say. The man looks back down at the glove in his hand and with a tool continues to work on it.

"So, our little guest awakes," he says and you are not sure if he is speaking to you or not. He looks back up at you. He is quiet for a second or two and then nods his head towards the corridor. "Carry on down and through the double doors, I think Wonderboy and Captain Superior are in there." And then he goes back to the glove and arguing with the non-existent person.

"Just try it Jarvis! Ouch! Wait for me to put the blasted thing __down__ first!"

You wonder if you should say something, but the man seems absorbed in his work and so instead you turn and go back out. Everything seems so surreal, as though you are dreaming.

 _ _The woman leaves and Tony puts the glove down and runs his hand through his hair.__

" _ _Shouldn't you have gone with her?" Jarvis asks, and for a moment Tony just stares after where she is gone. He then sighs and picks up the glove.__

" _ _Now lets just try again and this time..."__

You still cannot hear your footsteps due to the thick carpet and you are beginning to feel warm and heady again. You reach the doors and think there is no way you can open them but then they open for you and you almost step back. You take a deep breath and walk into the space they create.

You can hear voices, a mixture of female and male. You are in a very small area which leads through into a larger space so as you walk forward the room opens up. It is huge. The carpet has finished now and your feet are on some type of cushioned floor covering, harder but still warm.

To your left is a wall with what looks like two sets of lift doors. In front of you is a small expanse of floor ending in a huge picture window, and you can see nothing but sky out of it. If you continue walking right there are three steps leading down into what looks like a seating area with two L-shaped sofas and a couple of chairs. Beyond them there are another three steps going back up leading to what looks like a dining room-come kitchen.

Sat on the sofa is a relaxed-looking black man and a white woman with beautiful red hair. On the platform at the dining room table is Steve Rogers, another stunning redhead, and your Soldier.

James.

They haven't seen you and there is a lively conversation going on. Steve is laughing but as he looks up he sees you and stops, his face showing shock and becoming more serious.

Everyone looks at you, but you only have eyes for one person.

James.

His hair is still as long, in dire need of a cut as it is getting shaggy, but he is clean-shaven. He was smiling a moment ago but now the smile has gone. His eyes are clear with nothing in them for you. He is in clothes you do not recognise and something inside of you knows they belong to Steve. __He__ belongs to Steve.

You step forward, but he is too far away and you stop. He doesn't move. No one moves at first but then the lady from the sofa stands.

"Freya," she says, smiling, walking towards you. She doesn't look like a threat but you do not know her and cannot help but take a step back. You look at her and then back at James but he does nothing.

You look back at her as she draws level with you. "My name is Pepper. Pepper Potts. I'm so glad to see you looking better." Her dazzling smile is genuine and she places her cool hand on your arm.

"James?" you say softly and look back at him. For a second something flickers in his eyes and you think he is going to get up, but he doesn't.

Pepper takes your arm and starts to turn you to take you back to your room and you look at her and she can see the tears welling up in your eyes. At that point the double doors swing open again and Keren bursts in. You think she is going to be angry but she isn't, she is upset.

"I thought I'd lost you," she says worriedly, pretending to smile so you won't think you have done anything wrong. She starts to apologise to Pepper, who shakes her head.

"I think Freya just wanted a little walk," Pepper says, looking at you.

You look back over her shoulder at James as they walk you out of the room. "James?" you say once more, but he looks away from you and you see Steve put his hand on his arm and then you cannot see him any more and they are taking you through the doors.

By now there are tears running down your face and by the time you are back at your room you are sobbing which is aggravating your wounds. You feel like you cannot breathe and you are sweating heavily. You can smell the soup on the side and it makes you feel nauseous. Pepper and Keren help you back in the bed and Keren stays by your side. When you have calmed a little Pepper explains where you are.

"New York City. In a place called Stark Tower. You are safe, and as you can see Bucky is here too and is safe. We won't let Hydra get anywhere near you so please don't worry. You need to concentrate on getting better."

But all you can think of is how James ignored you, how he looked away from you. You always knew this day would come, so how can you blame anyone for it arriving? You knew it would hurt. You should be pleased for him: he is with his Steve. But a part of you wells up and wants to scream that you hate him, that you wish you had never met him, and that just makes you cry even harder.

 **...**

 _ _It is a month since they rescued her from Cryo.__

 _ _For the first two weeks, Freya was unconscious in an intensive care unit at a private hospital. When it was felt she was off the danger list they moved her in secrecy to Stark Tower. During the time at the hospital Bucky did not want to leave her side but they insisted that he did, promised him he could see her when she was back at Stark's, told him that if someone followed him to the hospital or saw him there it would put her in danger so he stayed away. Hardly slept, hardly ate.__

 _ _Once at the tower they allowed him to see her, even allowed him to stay by her bedside until it was obvious she was beginning to come around, and then they told him that for her sake he needed to stay away.__

 _ _She mustn't feel threatened. Mustn't feel she is still a prisoner to you, they said.__

 _ _How? He thought. How can I stay away when she is so close?__

 _ _The nurse, Keren, is from New Zealand. A former SHIELD agent - but with a difference, she is a fully qualified nurse used to working on assignments such as this. She is also a friend of Phil Coulson's, and he has been briefed about both Freya and Bucky. They needed someone on the inside and although Tony still hasn't decided if he likes Phil, he trusts him and so Coulson joined their secret project. Coulson is still experiencing problems with the fallout from the Hydra coup: SHIELD, or what is left of that disbanded organisation is in a mess, but he now knows Nick Fury is alive. For now he has bigger problems than Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier so it is reassuring for him to know exactly where he is and that he is no threat.__

 _ _Whilst__ _Freya was unconscious Keren had grown used to coming out of Freya's room and finding Bucky sat up against the banister waiting for news. She had allowed him to see her which they kept just between themselves – and, of course, Jarvis. That had to change when Freya regained consciousness. Although Keren knows most of the story, part of her believes that Pepper and Nat are wrong. Keren has an unusual aptitude for empathy which allows her to ascertain how people feel; it is what makes her such a good nurse._

 _ _The others didn't see Freya ask about her Soldier, and they have forgotten that Freya is not a woman of this century. Pepper Potts and Natasha Romanoff are two very strong willed women who know what they want and know where they belong in this modern world. Freya knows what she wants – her Soldier - but she doesn't know where she belongs without him. Her story is not a normal one, although it is told in countries a million times over: abusive husband/boyfriend – accepting girlfriend/wife. But there is more than that here and deep down she believes they are doing more harm than good by keeping the two apart.__

 _ _Keren had been due to fly back to New Zealand and her family at the end of the week, but she has persuaded Coulson to allow her to stay for another week to try and help Freya come to terms with everything.__

 **...**

"It's better this way," Nat is saying to Bucky whilst Steve nods to say he thinks Nat is right. "You promised not to put pressure on her. She needs to know that she is free now, and doesn't have to stay once she is better." For a moment both the Soldier and Bucky hate the people who are with them, could crush them under their shared hand.

He wants to shout at them: __I know her, you don't, didn't you see the look on her face? She wanted me, she wanted__ me _ _! She said my name! She didn't call me Bucky! She called me James!__ But then that paranoid side of him that has been quiet for so long starts up – __are you sure she wants you? Are you sure she wanted you all the time she was with you? Hydra had her prisoner, you had her prisoner, she can now have her freedom, she is no longer tied to you -__ __so what if they are right?__

What if they __are__ right?

But...the look on her face when she saw him. __Yes, but only because you are something she recognises in a strange world,__ he argues with himself. He sometime feels as if his head is splitting open. All this emotion mixed with the fact he is trying to remember things, trying to come to terms with life itself he feels as if he cannot cope, cannot do this.

It is going to tear him apart.

 **...**

Steve watches as Bucky excuses himself and goes back to his room to be alone for a while. He thought there were two people living inside Bucky's mind, but now he isn't so sure that there aren't three.

There is Bucky Barnes: the man Steve grew up with, the man he fell in love with. He struggles to remember, to become again what he once was but he has told Steve he thinks that is an impossibility. "After what I've done," Bucky will say, and Steve will try to remind him it wasn't his fault, that he was made to do those things. "I still did them though," is his reply and that sad smile that breaks Steve's heart. When they make love Bucky is gentle, needs Steve to make him forget, lets Steve take control. Will do anything Steve asks of him.

Then there is the Soldier. This one scares Steve, although he is careful not to show it. This one needs him just as much as Bucky does but will not admit it. He does everything he can to make Steve hate him. Their love making is harsh, often both come away scratched and bruised. Steve has to dominate at these times otherwise he will get crushed and Bucky will get overtaken and he is frightened that if that happens then he will lose Bucky forever, even though his body will still be there. For some reason when Bucky talks about this Soldier, he calls him the second personality and told Steve he was worried that he cannot control him. He hasn't told Steve he doesn't always know when the Soldier takes over but Steve is beginning to realise this. They need to eradicate the Soldier if Bucky is to get any peace. For Steve that will be hard because a small part of him, a very small part has fallen in love with the Soldier because he is still part of __Bucky.__

Then there is the third one: the Hybrid. The one he thinks of as being the new Bucky. This one knows his mind. Steve believes when this one is in charge he is the most sane. He hasn't come to peace with what he has done and still believes he needs to pay for his crimes, but he will also accept he was made to do those things, that he could not have escaped. He is realistic, and honest. When he is sharing his bed with Steve it is a peaceful night, one of give and take, one of reality. And again, Steve knows he is in love with him.

All three need him, but he is beginning to realise that all three of them also need Freya. He can see the need in their eyes, hear it in their voice. The strange thing is when he thinks of losing Bucky to Freya or even sharing him with her he does not feel envy or jealousy. He does not know why. Maybe it is because of the day he saw her at the Smithsonian. Saw her pain. And if that is the case are they right to keep them apart?

But if they are to give her the freedom she deserves, where will that leave him and Bucky? He just doesn't know. And neither does Bucky. __What a mess,__ he thinks. __What a fucking mess.__

And Freya?

She is on her own now. Keren has left, given Freya details of how to contact her - something called an e-mail. The two women had become friends in the short time they had known each other.

Freya remains in her room a lot of the time. Her wounds are healing. Both Pepper and Nat visit. They would be stunned if they knew how terrified they make her; they are so confident, so sure of themselves, yet so calm. And they expect her to be like that too. They tell her she can stay for as long as she wants, and Pepper tells her that something will be set up to give her up to date credentials and security. They bring her magazines to read, to show her what the modern woman looks like, what she expects of her life.

When she asks about James they smile and tell her not to worry. She forms the idea from them that he is happy with Steve and that she should not bother him, should not expect to be with him. She needs to get on with her own life now, one without him. She remembers how he looked away from her and she knows they are right. He doesn't need her now, doesn't want her now. Very occasionally he will visit but he is always with Steve, stays but a few minutes and will not look at her.

Most nights she cries herself to sleep. Most days she waits for the hours to pass and tries to sleep as much as she can to make the day become night. This is what they call living, and she doesn't want it.

They give her pills, tell her they will make her feel better. She wants to laugh and tell them: __Really?__ __If you want me to feel better then give me back my Soldier. Give me back James.__

But then she knows, deep down she knows: she has to give him his freedom.

He is no longer her prisoner.


	85. Chapter 85 - If Wishes Were Horses

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eighty-Five:**** ** **If Wishes Were Horses****

" _ _If wishes were horses..." Bucky murmurs and Steve finishes "...we would ride."__

" _ _Yeah," Bucky looks down at the beer in his hand and then takes another pull from the bottle again. "So, this weekend..."__

 _ _Steve groans. "I thought we had already decided on that," he says.__

 _ _And Bucky smiles that Bucky smile. "We did, We're going."__

 _ _The young Steve groans again. How many times has this been that Bucky has arranged a blind date for him? Fifty? One hundred? Feels like more.__

" _ _Can't really call it a blind date," Bucky argues. "I'll be there too."__

" _ _Yeah, but its not you I would be dating so..." Steve says thinking, he wishes it was - at the same time Bucky is thinking the same.__

" _ _Now theres a thought," Bucky murmurs, not realising he has spoken aloud.__

" _ _What?" Steve asks.__

" _ _I didn't say nothing," Bucky is sure he blushes. Lucky for him that Steve is deaf on that side.__

" _ _Anything," Steve corrects him without thinking. "You didn't say anything."__

" _ _What?" Bucky says, and Steve looks at him and then laughs.__

" _ _We sound like a double act..."__

 _ _Bucky smiles that smile again – the one that always makes Steve feel warm inside.__

 _"_ _ _Hey pal, I've got news for you. We are a double act. Always will be!"__

 **...**

The memory makes Steve smile. He cannot remember the blind date - probably another disaster and they ended up on their own - but he does remember watching Bucky drink that beer and thinking __'I wish I was that bottle.__ '

Memories like this sneak up on him all the time these days. Sometimes he will ask Buck if he remembers them, but other times he doesn't because those are the bad days when he can see the struggle Bucky is going through and he doesn't want to add to it.

Bucky is sat opposite him at the table and sees him smile. Steve sees the query on his face.

"Do you remember when we heard that saying for the first time? You know, __If wishes...__ "

" _ _...were horses, beggars would ride.__ Yeah," and Bucky leans back smiling. That's a blast from the past; they spent a week applying it to everything they could. A beautiful girl would walk past and Bucky would start it and Steve would end - but they always changed 'beggars' to 'we'.

"But now we know theres no such thing," Bucky says, the smile fading. Steve frowns as if he doesn't understand. "Wishes," says Bucky. "Theres no such thing."

"No...I guess not."

They are in the kitchen. They had been out for a run together before returning to grab a cool beer from the fridge. They're sat at the table, Steve watching Bucky drink and as he had done so many years ago, wished he was the bottle.

As they finish up they realise someone has walked into the room, and now cannot decide whether or not to walk out before they are noticed. It is Freya. She realises it is too late and Steve smiles and beckons her over.

"I just thought..." she starts, as he says: "We've just finished."

There is an uncomfortable silence. Bucky finishes his drink but doesn't move. He holds the bottle in his hand turning it around and around but looking at the table. He doesn't want to get up, doesn't want to walk past her, because if he does he knows he will reach out and touch her. And if he touches her he knows he will not let her go.

She hesitantly comes forward. "I thought I would just make a sandwich. Would you like one?" she asks Steve, and he shakes his head. She clears her throat and looks at Bucky. "How about you...Bucky?" The name sounds foreign on her tongue. She wants to call him James but she has not heard anyone call him that.

He looks up and straight into her eyes. He wants to say so much: they haven't talked since she came here - the odd hello, but nothing that really __mattered__. He has so much he wants to tell her. He has so much he wants to thank her for. He could lose himself in those large beautiful eyes and he cannot speak. Instead he just shakes his head and stands up.

"Please don't go," she says quickly and then realises what she has said and tries to cover it, "I mean, don't let me chase you away if you're..."

"You're not. We're finished." Bucky's voice is hard, so final. He looks at Steve and nods as if Steve has spoken. He puts the bottle in the recycling bin and goes to leave. Steve does the same, but pauses to touch Freya's arm.

"Are you all right?" he asks "How're you feeling today?"

Her smile is brittle. "Fine thank you." She turns away and goes and opens the fridge. Anything to get away from them.

She looks back at them as they turn their backs on her and watches them leave. She turns back and gets some cheese out of the fridge and bread out of the bread bin and makes a sandwich. She pours a glass of water and then sits down at the table, food and drink in front of her.

But she does not eat, instead, she remembers. Remembers meals times where they have sat and eaten together, just the two of them. Times when she has watched him eat, times when she has been content to just sit there quietly with him. Her own food, forgotten now, sits there on the plate untouched.

 **...**

"Hey, you going to eat that?" a voice breaks the peace and she looks up, not realising where she is for a second. It is Natasha. Freya tries to smile, picks up her sandwich to eat, but then puts it back down untouched.

"I'm not hungry," you say. You stand picking up the plate and throw the food in the bin.

"You should eat something. You're looking too skinny," Natasha says, and you nod just to agree with her and end the conversation. But she continues. "What are you doing this afternoon?" she asks.

You shake your head. "Nothing."

"Fancy some fresh air?" and immediately she sees the fear in your face which you try to cover. "You have to go out sometime, you know."

"I know..." you say and walk away from her, but just before you go around the corner you turn back to her feeling you have been rude. "I will. Sometime. Just not now, not today." And then you leave her in peace and head back to your room.

 **...**

"There is nothing you need want for," Pepper had said to you when you were feeling well enough to get out of bed and walk around. "Just let me know if you need __anything__."

She sees by your face you will ask for nothing. She has already tried to fill your wardrobe with clothes. You were dead set against it but finally gave in and you now have a selection of black tee shirts, black polo necks and jeans. Not to mention underwear, nightdresses, and a dressing gown. Trainers and even a pair of slippers.

It is not what Pepper would have bought for you, if she'd had her way.

"Why don't we just get a selection of tee shirts in different colours?" she had asked, and you thanked her and said maybe later but for now you would feel more comfortable in what you are used to.

She gave you a set of papers. "Your new identity," she says, and then adds "Well, your old one but with a different birth date so as not to confuse people. You have everything there to make you a legal citizen of the United States."

She tried to give you something called a credit card and was surprised when you said you had never seen one before. You refused it. Later that day she went out to the bank and for the first time in years withdrew actual cash which she then tried to give to you. You were horrified.

You tried to explain. She tried to tell you it wasn't charity. She didn't think there was anyone more stubborn than Tony but she feels she may have just met his match.

"What if I gave you a job?" she had asked, exasperated, and you looked at her suspiciously. She knows how much time you have been spending in their library, she can see how much you like it in there. "We're always buying in books but then just slotting them in anywhere, and it drives Jarvis up the wall! We no longer know what we've got and haven't got!" She had laughed as the disembodied voice coughed politely. "I could hire you to put it in order." And then she had smiled. You didn't know what to say without crying and she knows it.

"Thats settled then. And just for the time being I'll put your first wage in here," she had said, shovelling the money into your drawer. __'Just in case.'__

 **...**

 _ _Steve felt the concrete of the playground as he hit it hard. Why do they even call it a playground when all he seemed to do is fight in it? he wonders and then sees the three boys are standing around him, gleeful smiles on their faces. One lifts a foot to stomp down on his stomach and he curls up out of instinct.__

" _ _Hey! Pick on someone your own size!" he hears a voice growl and before he knows it the boys have gone and he is left with just one pair of feet to look at. He uncurls and looks up only to find the sun blocked. 'Oh God here we go again,' he thinks, but then the figure moves and he can see properly and the sun comes back into Steve's world as he looks up and sees Bucky Barnes.__

" _ _Hey kid," the boy holds out his hand. Steve puts his own out and feels the dry warm hand as it hauls him to his feet. The hand has him in a strong grip, will not let him fall, and he looks up at the face smiling down at him. His heart starts to beat faster, and his stomach flips as he looks into blue eyes framed by dark hair and that smile.__

" _ _Whoa there kid! Names Bucky Barnes," the boy says, grinning thinking for a moment Steve is going to swing for him. He has pulled Steve up and Steve does not want to let go of his hand. "Kinda quiet, ain't you?"__

 _"_ _ _Aren't..." Immediately Steve wishes he could shut up. Correcting people had gotten him into the fight in the first place. He had called the boy a primitive primate and then had to explain to him what primitive and primate meant – that is when the boy landed the punch that had knocked him to the ground.__

" _ _Huh?" Bucky says.__

" _ _Nothing," Steve stutters aware now of the blood running down his face from his nose as the boy hands him a hanky to mop it up. He can't really call Barnes a boy; a young man would be more apt. Tall, well built and blue eyes to die for. Steve feels himself redden. He has never had this reaction before to another male but he has had the reaction to females before. His mind, he decides, is a little confused. It must have been the punch.__

" _ _No, go on...should be__ aren't _ _not__ ain't _ _is that what you're sayin' . You sound like my mother." The young man grins again good naturedly then surprisingly he places an arm across Steve's shoulders – gently.__

" _ _Lets get that seen to, then we need to enrol you in Goldie's. You're going to have a hell of a humdinger of a black eye tomorrow."__

 _ _And that was the start of it. The day he fell in love with James Barnes.__

Steve remembers now because he still gets that reaction when he looks at Bucky. Everyone spoke of how Steve __helped__ Bucky because that is what they see; but they don't realise just how much Bucky helped Steve.

"I was always getting into fights and you were always there to save me," Steve murmurs and Bucky looks up at him.

And then Bucky smiles. A sad smile. He doesn't speak, just shakes his head. Steve gets up and goes over and sits next to Bucky and looks at him. "Seriously. You were. If it hadn't been for you...do you realise the first time I saw you I fell in love with you? Just didn't realise it at the time."

Bucky's eyes search his looking for the truth. Could he really mean it? He looks down at his hands.

"I looked down and saw this skinny runt of a kid bleeding from his nose, black eye starting and do you know what I thought?" Bucky asks Steve quietly. Steve shakes his head wondering what he is going to say.

"I wished I could impress you. That you would look up at me and want me in your life." He looks back up at Steve.

And Steve can see the truth of it in Bucky's eyes.

"Oh God Bucky," and Steve is crying, reaching out, with large fat tears running down his cheeks and Bucky pulls him to him. He kisses the top of his head and doesn't say anything because there is nothing to say.

 **...**

You have hours of time to kill. You ache all over and feel so low. A lot of your injuries are well on the way to repairing; Pepper had explained that they had removed the tracking device in your hip bone and you find the bone there at times throbs. Ales, the doctor, has said that will be the bone regrowing. But no one can repair you inside where it really matters. No one can mend your heart. A cliché, you know, but a true one.

When you first awoke it would have been nice if Bucky had been there to tell you what had happened. In the end it was Steve who came by and told you what he called the short version. He says you are safe, Hydra cannot get hold of you or Bucky, in fact the more time that goes on the more Hydra continues to implode. Arrests made in various countries around the world. Everyone scrabbling to blame the other person. You asked him about Bucky and he told you as much as he knew and at the end he could see you were tiring. You asked to see Bucky and he gave some excuse you can no longer remember, but now you know. You can sense it when you see him across the room. He doesn't want to see you.

You want to forget about James, the Soldier, Bucky and his Steve, so you think you'll make a start on the library. Pepper gave you a set of notebooks and pens for cataloguing and you have to think where you put them. They are not in your quarters. Then you remember, you were in the main lounge when she handed them to you and you had put them on the table.

The trouble with the living quarters Stark has given the Avengers is there is so much of it. You make your way to the communal area. There is no one there and you finally see what you are looking for on the glass table.

You walk over to the table and see the notebooks are weighed down with some type of huge hammer. You look around but there is no one to ask who it belongs to. Surely you think, it is all right if you just move your notebooks and make sure the hammer is sat on something else. They must have used your books to protect the glass from being scratched by the hammer. You fetch a magazine to swap with the books.

You go to pick up the hammer but it is surprisingly heavy, in fact you don't think you can even lift it up. You frown and instead using both hands you drag the hammer by its handle along the table until it is off your books. It is so heavy you can feel it pulling on your stitches and you actually break out into a sweat. You retrieve your books. Then with great difficulty to drag it back so it is now on top of the magazine and guilty you check the glass. You cannot see any scratches despite the noise it made when you dragged it.

You run your finger over some of the beautiful carvings on the hammer, it is a work of art and you wonder what the symbols mean. The symbols look vaguely familiar, almost like some of the illustrations in your father's old magazines. As your finger trails over the etchings a blue light begins to glow within them and you think somehow you must have switched it on. __Shit.__ You look for a button but there is nothing.

Bugger.

How do you turn it off? You cannot even pick the damn thing up to examine it for a switch.

You hear voices and start to sweat even more, dammit, they will think you have been prying and that is the last thing you want. You're not convinced they like you much as it is. There is another magazine on one of the sofas, you grab it put it on the table over the hammer. Shit. No good. You can still see it glowing and the voices are getting nearer.

As you look around the glow begins to diminish but not fast enough so you grab the fruit bowl and put it in front of the hammer so no one can see it as they enter the room.

That will have to do.

You clutch your notebooks and walk over to the open doorway as they enter and you smile and duck your head wondering who the new man with Mr Stark is. It takes a few moments for your mind to process his looks and peculiar clothing. He is tall, very muscular, very blond, bearded, dressed in what looks like a cloak and armour. He could almost be a Greek god, you think or at least be dressed like one. He and Tony are discussing something but they quieten when they see you. He smiles and you smile back and as you go to duck out of the room you can't help but wonder who he is.

Tony though stops you.

"Miss Bowman. Freya," he remembers you have asked him to call you Freya. He makes a motion with his hand to indicate the other man. "Thor."

You stand waiting for the rest of his name but instead the man puts his hand out and when you do likewise your hand is totally lost in his. He smiles and you find his speech has an odd accent.

"Ah, Freyja, the beautiful Norse goddess of love, fertility and mythological wife of Odin my father," he says and you feel he may be trying to joke but if he is you don't quite understand. Tony said his name was Thor but he cannot be __that__ Thor can he?

Tony's eyebrows shoot up. "Well I suppose she is old enough to be your mother...well, not quite," he says drily. "I should add that, __yes,__ Thor likes to think he is a god and __yes__ he comes from Asgard...he's one of our little group."

"Oh," you clear your throat, you really don't know what to say. "Well its nice to meet you Mr Thor..um,Thor," and you retrieve your hand whilst your brain is trying to figure out if those are real muscles. You thought both Steve and Bucky were big but Thor is...well, godlike, you assume. He makes a small bow and you find yourself doing the same and then you escape.

You start to wonder what sort of world you have woken up in.

 **...**

That evening Nat invites you to watch a film with the rest of them. You try to turn her down, but she is very persuasive. As you walk with her she asks how you are feeling and you say fine and thank her for asking. She smiles and shakes her head.

"What?" you ask.

"Nothing," she replies, but you see she is smiling. _ _Nat had asked Bucky earlier how he was feeling and he replied in exactly the same way as Freya. It is amazing how alike the two people are.__

When you get to the home theatre, Sam is already there but so is Steve and Bucky. Sam immediately comes up and takes both yours and Nat's arms, which surprises you. "Ladies, for tonight you can both come and sit next to me. I'll even let you can share my popcorn." He raises his eyebrows and you actually find yourself smiling at his charm. He turns you both around to sit down and sits between you. He then looks over at Bucky and you would have been surprised if you saw the look he gave Bucky, almost a __Hah!__ Steve had the distinct feeling Sam was tempted to stick his tongue out at them.

There are three tiers of seats and you are all sat in the first row. The end of the row curves very slightly which means you can see people sat each end from where you are. You can see Steve and Bucky, and you wish you couldn't.

 _ _In actual fact, Sam has saved what could have been an embarrassing issue with who sits where as Steve and Bucky would have automatically sat together and she could have been sat alone - or worse next to one of them.__

"So what are we watching?" Nat asks ready for an action thriller, she then turns to you, "we take turns to choose the film, its Clint's turn tonight," she says as you realise someone has come to sit the other side of Nat and the new man passes you a small bucket of what Sam calls Popcorn.

"This is Clint, Clint, Freya."

You both smile.

"So?" Nat asks Clint, already tucking into her popcorn, __how does she stay so slim__ you wonder.

"Wait and see, its a classic," and that reply makes Nat groan.

"Clint is famous for his classics," she says to you rather loudly.

Clint holds up his hands in defence. "This has been highly recommended and I have to say it is really a true classic. Its a film that will haunt you, make you laugh, make you cry, I dare you to say I'm wrong...!" Clint says as the lights are dimmed.

You have never seen a film before. Never been to a cinema. The nearest you've had as an experience is the film Lehmann showed you and James back so many years ago.

At first you jump when the music starts as it is so loud and Nat actually pats your hand. A huge screen in front of you lights up and a squeaky cartoon voice announces: _"_ _ _Movie Town news presents...Spotlight on Adventure..."__

Sam gasps and whispers " _ _UP!__ Oh wow, this __is__ a classic, good choice Clint my man!" He settles back into his chair with a huge grin on his face and chomps on his popcorn.

You glance over at Steve and Bucky and notice how even when they sit side by side they are drawn to each other as they both lean in on the same side. You realise Bucky is looking your way and you look away quickly feeling your cheeks warm.

 _ _Don't think Freya, just watch the film.__

It turns out to be an easy command to obey.

You do not eat your popcorn, in fact when Sam pinches it from you you don't even realise. For over an hour and a half you are astounded. You don't think you have seen anything so beautiful, so sad or so funny ever. You laugh, you sniff (even Nat sniffs) and you fall in love with a dog called Dug and a bird called Kevin. At the end of it when the lights go back up you realise you had forgotten where you were, you had forgotten your life for a moment and you wish you could be like the old man in the film, Carl, and float away from it all.

After the film finishes you try to escape back to your room but Sam is having none of it and you end up in the communal area with the others. At first you do not know what to do; they are all at ease with each other but then you realise James, __no Bucky__ , looks as uncomfortable as you do. He sees you looking at him just as you look away but in your peripheral vision you see him walk over and you look back at him.

He is focused just on you and as he comes up he tries to smile. You are as captivated by him as you were by the film, sound disappears, everyone vanishes, there is just him.

His voice is quiet. "How are you feeling?" he asks and you feel your cheeks flush. You are holding a glass in your hand and you feel if you are not careful you are going to spill the drink in it because your hands are trembling and you do not want him to realise. You hold the glass with both hands. "Fine thank you. How are you?"

 _ _Nat sees Bucky talking to Freya and as she goes to walk over to them Steve takes her arm and pulls her back. "Just let him talk to her for a few moments," he says quietly. It is Steve who told Bucky to go over now and say some of the things he needs to say to her. He could not bear to watch Bucky, see the need in his eyes to talk to Freya whilst everyone kept stopping him. They need to let Bucky do this.__

"Oh you know..." and Bucky curses inside; of course she knows how he feels.

"Your head?" you ask.

He lifts his hand subconsciously and rubs his temple. "Painful at times."

"But you're remembering?" you ask and then add hastily, "remembering Steve that is, your previous life..." you feel like you are saying the wrong things. You want to lift your hand and touch him, touch his face, kiss his lips, brush his hair back.

"Things come and go, sometimes they make sense, other times they don't..." and then he looks at you and his voice softens, "I wanted to say thank you...for everything."

"I didn't do anything," you say and he smiles and ducks his head in that way you know so well.

"The backpack saved my life," he says.

And your eyes tear up. You don't mean for them to; you must not cry. Someone in the background clears their throat and you both suddenly remember where you are and Bucky actually takes a step backwards as if to put distance between you both. "Thank you," he says again and then turns away and escapes back to Steve.

What did you expect? Roses?

You put your drink down on a side table. "Its been a long evening, I feel a bit tired so I'm going to turn in," you say to the group and you see Nat and Steve nod. "Thank you for the film, it is the first one I have ever seen, it was beautiful," you say to Clint, who smiles back at you

"Glad you enjoyed it," he says.

You escape. Back to your room. To yourself. You get into bed and curl up in the smallest ball you can and weep.

You wish he had not said anything, had not come over to you, had left you alone. It would have been better if he had not have done anything. You heard them earlier, James and Steve talking about if wishes were horses - and you think: __if wishes were horses...then I would be dead.__

 **...**

It is past 2am and the Winter Soldier is stood in the corridor outside of Freya's room. He stands there imagining just what she would be like if he went in: curled up in the bed, her hair spread over the pillows and sheets. Part of him feels guilty, so guilty he is there, that he has left Steve asleep in bed and snuck out when in truth he knows he cannot go in to her. He walks forward, takes hold of the handle of the door, rests his forehead on the paintwork. It is taking so much self control to stop him from opening it and walking in. He groans quietly, he can see himself take hold of the bedclothes and getting in beside her. He can see her turning towards him with those huge eyes of hers, he can see his hand reaching out pushing her down and then moving across her body and sliding in between her soft welcoming thighs. He is so hard it hurts, his balls throb, his brow has broken out in sweat.

He turns, lets go of the door and instead walks over to the balustrade of the atrium, grasps the rail, and all the time he is whispering the word __no__. Both fists curl tight around the metal and he doesn't hear when it begins to groan as the metal is compressed.

And then there is a voice. Calm, gentle, enquiring.

"Are you all right Sergeant Barnes?"

He lets go of the rail, looks up.

"Are you spying on me Jarvis?" he grins but it is not a nice smile. If Jarvis was there in front of him he would have grasped hold of his shirt by the collar and lifted until Jarvis was standing on air.

"No, sir. Merely observing."

"Really? Your master hasn't set you to watch me?" he turns as if looking for the voice but then he sees her door again and the grin leaves his face. He takes two steps towards it.

Jarvis continues calmly. "No Sir, I am just aware of all that goes on in the building. Security is one of my duties."

Inside Bucky is in such turmoil. He knows he cannot go in, he knows he cannot take her, he knows he made a promise to the others to give her her freedom but having her so close is torturing him. But he also knows he could not leave Steve, the thought of never seeing him again just adds to the torture until he groans.

"Would you like me to wake Captain Rogers for you?" Jarvis enquires politely. Bucky doesn't know if he is trying to be helpful or if he is warning him. He makes a noise that could be a laugh but isn't. Then he turns back towards Steve's room, his face hardens.

"No need I'll wake him myself," and Jarvis watches the Soldier walk back to Steve's room.

Steve is woken by a hand on his shoulder. He is lying face down, the room is dark but he knows it is Bucky.

"Whats wrong?" he asks groggily, not fully awake. He feels Bucky's hands on him doesn't realise at first what Bucky is doing but then he feels where Bucky's hand is travelling to and starts to turn. He finds he can't, Bucky is holding him down and then he senses Bucky bending over him.

"Bucky is gonna have to learn to share," the voice is a low growl and he feels the Soldier's fingers find what they are looking for and Steve tenses.

He tries to look back over his shoulder, tries again to turn but just gets slammed back down and then Bucky is placing his metal arm under Steve and he pulls him slightly up off the bed and his fingers sink in deep.

"Christ Buck __wait__..." he starts to say but it is too late and he feels Bucky move his fingers and then thrust himself inside, his shaft so hard it causes pain to both men.

Steve takes a deep breath and lets it out, he tells himself to relax and he feels Bucky, __no this isn't Bucky this is the Soldier,__ set a rhythm, long hard strokes and now Steve can feel his own shaft hardening, can feel the heat rising in his own body. He hears the Soldier groan. The metal hand touches Steve's cock and takes it in it's fist, the metal isn't as cold as he was expecting and the hand begins to move up and down in rhythm with its owner. Steve feels his heart beating fast, sweat coming out on his body and he hears when the Soldier comes, feels the extra pressure inside him and very soon he himself is exploding into the Soldier's hand and over the sheets. He hears Bucky breathing hard, feels him move off him and get off the bed. He is able to turn now and he does so reaching out to put the light on but Bucky stops him. "Don't," he says his voice like gravel.

"Buck all you had to do is ask. You don't need to..." __Attack me.__

"...don't need to what?" the voice asks. The Soldier is a dark shadow stood by the bed and Steve feels he can't breathe his heart is hammering so much.

Steve moves so he is sat up, he feels less vulnerable that way. "Don't have to force me," he says, his voice sounding weak even to his own ears.

The Soldier makes a noise like a laugh.

"Don't I?"

"No."

"I share his memories, I may as well share his fuck. After all, you've taken mine away from me."

Steve is totally bewildered, doesn't know how to reply, doesn't know what to do. He runs a hand through his hair and then looks at Bucky. "Come back to bed," he says quietly but instead he realises Bucky is turning away and heading for the door. He will go back to his own room and not be able to face Steve in the morning. He watches as the door opens and a narrow strip of light shows, Bucky is stood in it and Steve almost doesn't recognise him.

"Hey __Steve__ , Bucky wants you to know if wishes were horses he would be dead," and the tone makes Steve go cold but before he can say anything the door closes and he is alone. He lies back down, pushing his hair back again and sighing heavily. He is lost, how does he help Bucky when he can't even help himself. He turns on to his side and curls around himself and tries to ignore the discomfort – both physical and emotional.

 **...**

You hear the library door open and see Tony Stark enter. He looks at you, looks around and sees you are alone.

"I thought I would see how you are doing, how you're feeling?" he says, his eyes boring into yours. You have found on the odd occasions you have spoken with him he can be very intense. You are currently writing things into a notebook and he comes up, picks up a book, reads the spine and puts it back down, looks at you.

"A lot better thank you Mr Stark..."

"Call me Tony..." he interrupts and then signals for you to continue.

"Pepper asked me to make a list of your books in here, get them in to some type of order," you feel you should explain but he just nods, you feel that isn't what is on his mind.

"Good, good."

The room goes quiet, you hate silences.

"I should have come and thanked you for...taking me in," you say.

He shakes his head. "No need," and then that silence again.

You decide to take the bull by the horns. "Was there something in particular you wanted to talk to me about?"

He is quiet for a moment. "Armand told us that there was a group inside of Hydra who hid information so it would not be destroyed."

"So I've been told, I didn't know during the time I was with them, sorry."

"So you don't know how or where they hid it?" he asks and you are surprised by the question; you can only just use the laptop Pepper has given you, anything else is way beyond your means. Pepper had been going to ask you to transfer the information about the library to what she called a database. When you looked at her blankly that is when she decided to give you the notebooks instead.

"No sorry, I wish I could help," and you really do. You have already been interviewed by a lawyer called Jeremy Sands who took your statement backing up all that James had told him but he had asked you if any of it could be backed up by written records and you were at a complete loss. The more you hear the more it appears that James is in trouble. At first you could not believe it; after everything that had been done to him for him to then have to go through prosecution. Jeremy had told you it __will__ happen, it is just a matter of when. He believes the District Attorney is getting the case together and it will be a few months, if not longer, before they make their move. He has scheduled in several meetings with you to take more statements. He has also asked you if you would be prepared to stand up in a court of law and tell your story and you have said yes, without a doubt you will be there for James.

Tony nods as if you have confirmed what he thinks you would and then turns to leave.

You step forward. "Mr Stark...Tony. James would not have done all those things if he had not been programmed, if they had not continually taken away his memories, mind wiped him again and again making him forget who he was just as he was beginning to remember." Tony turns back to you and you can see in his eyes he does not believe you. You step forward again and look at him "You didn't see what they did to him," you say your voice forceful as if by emphasising it you can make him believe. You are confused by this turn of events, if Tony disbelieves then why is he providing the defence attorney, why is he giving Bucky sanctuary?

"Did you ever know anything about the missions he was sent on?" he asks you.

"A few towards the end. They sometimes used me as an exit point. I...I went on two of the missions with him." He is quiet, waiting for you to say more. "One in Austria, one in Russia," and you can see he dismisses them. It is obviously not the information he wants.

"Why are you protecting him if you don't believe him?" you ask.

"Who said I don't believe him?"

"No one," you say quietly. Then "I feel like you are asking me for something specific?" you leave it as a question hoping he will fill in the rest. For a brief moment you think he is going to tell you but then he sighs heavily and rubs his eyes.

When he looks back at you there is a hardness in him. "You would do anything to defend him, wouldn't you? To protect him, look after him?" he says and you do not need to reply.

 _ _Tony Stark leaves the woman alone in the library. He is going to need to get in touch with Armand because Jarvis is having problems locating the information hidden in the Hydra database. He wants the answers, he wants to know what happened on a specific date, he wants to have proof that James Barnes killed his parents. He wants the proof that the Winter Soldier knew what he was doing and when the time comes he wants to be able to stuff it down the bastard's throat and show the world what James Barnes is truly like.__

 **...**

It is funny how the smallest thing can have the largest impact.

Jarvis is running through Hydra files and all the non important information, dumping various bits - thankfully dumping it in a file and not out of his memory altogether - when he sees something. He has already wondered why Hydra kept such monotonous information like supply orders, leave rota's when he happens upon the medical files. He was hoping they would be on the Winter Soldier but they do not appear to be; they are on various staff personnel, but one of them he finds is on Freya. He is reading through her file when he sees something else __woven__ in to it. And then he realises what it is they did to hide the information. He had been looking for something complicated but this is so simple it had never occurred to him. He races back through the dumped files and begins to analyse the files in a whole new way.

This is why they kept them; kept all the everyday dross, because hidden within the monotonous details are the secrets.

But one secret in particular leaps out from Freya's file. It was an accident she was involved in at the base. An accident on December 16th 1991.

 **...**

Contrary to belief, when Tony is angry at something he doesn't always take action straight away, some things stay in his mind for months, they linger, he broods on them and then suddenly he has to take action, he needs to do something about it. The situation with the Winter Soldier is bearing down on him, making him fractious.

Over the last few weeks he has gone quiet, making barbed comments. He doesn't want the Winter Soldier in his home, he doesn't want him anywhere near him, he believes he should be imprisoned and shot. He thought when he first brought him and then the woman here he could cope with it, better to know where he was than leave it to chance but now, now he feels different.

This man, no he won't call him that, this __animal__ was responsible for the death of his parents, and he can never forgive him for that. It eats at him.

He has shut himself off downstairs in his workroom and is working on anything that will keep his mind active, at the moment that is cleaning gears. He cleans one throws it on the bench and takes another one, he has been at it for two hours, he cleans each one and then starts again, his only companion is Jarvis. Pepper knows to stay out of his way when he shuts himself off like this. He has to work through this alone, the only problem is she has no idea what is wrong with him, what it is that is eating at him this time, he will not share any part of it with her.

He is sat there, thoughts going around and around in his mind, he is working himself up again, arguing in his own mind when Jarvis comes online to tell him about Freya's medical records. He and Jarvis have already had arguments over the confidential nature of the records but Jarvis knows this time he is beaten. He does what his master wants him to do.

First of all Jarvis brings the information up on the screen in front of Tony and as Tony cleans he reads the story of the damage done to this woman mainly by the Soldier, the low life. His anger is ready to burst at the seams.

Because of his anger he almost misses the information that Jarvis wants him to see: the information that will change his whole world, his whole way of looking at the Winter Soldier. He looks at the record of misuse, rape, broken bones. The words and dates scroll past him until one date leaps out.

The date that catches his eye is 16th December 1991. The day before his parents were killed.

He reads the record, then reads it again and then slowly puts the gears and cleaning cloth down.

"Go into this record and bring up all the information you have," he says and Jarvis does so and extends the record. It lists each and every injury, the records start off being made by the doctor in charge at the time but the report is signed off by Jackson Caldwell, a name Tony knows.

On the 16th December Freya Bowman was seriously injured in an accident on the base. She was travelling in an elevator when two of the lines had snapped and the elevator had become trapped high up and between floors. She was not alone. The Winter Soldier had also been travelling in the lift with her. He had climbed out on top of the lift in an attempt to get them free but he was electrocuted with such a powerful charge it nearly killed him. Severe damage was done to his metal arm which caused the power source to leak into his body, essentially poisoning him. When they finally got them out both he and Freya were unconscious and stayed that way for several days. She with a skull fracture and he with burns and poisoning.

It could not have been him who killed Tony's parents.

A tie in with this record on Freya's file leads Jarvis to the hidden Mission Files. He now brings up the relevant one for Tony to see. On the 15thDecember the Winter Soldier and his Constant were woken ready to programme him for a mission.

Howard Stark's assassination – it was code named World Fair.

The accident happened on the 16th December and Jackson Caldwell had ended up sending another team in. By the time the Winter Soldier regained consciousness, Howard and Marie Stark were dead. The Soldier was wiped and then put back into cryo-freeze ready for the next time he would be needed.

Caldwell, Jackson Caldwell, one of the Stark's family friend. Tony had found it difficult to take in when he discovered he was Hydra but now, now he knows the family friend had ordered for his parents to be killed – no, not his parents, his father The file clearly shows the hit was on Howard Stark alone and Maria Stark should not have been killed. He remembers Jackson had been so solicitous at the time, even giving one of the eulogies at the funeral.

The Winter Soldier was not responsible for killing Marie and Howard Stark on the 17th December 1991.

Tony sits there quietly taking the information in. All his hatred for Hydra has always been turned on the Winter Soldier, he needed that, someone specific, a focal point that was not just a whole faceless organisation. So what now?

"What else have you found hidden away?" he asks and Jarvis shows him the files listed. Tony chooses one at random that has a film attachment and tells Jarvis to run the film.

"Wait! Stop!" he shouts, as the images on the screen appear and he realises what is happening. He feels nauseous, takes a deep breath. He has to do this, he has to see this through.

The film he is watching is the film that shows the __operation__ they performed on James Barnes to break his mind. He closes his eyes for a moment. God alone knows what else is hidden away in these files but he is going to find out.

Then he will decide what to do. He takes a deep breath. "Okay run the film," he sits and takes it all in. He has had his wishes granted, he knows it all now.

If wishes were horses Tony would finally ride.


	86. Chapter 86 - Freya & James - Redundant

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eighty-Six:**** ** **Freya & James - Redundant****

You are sat in front of the laptop Pepper has given you. You're beginning to grasp the use of it, and silently you thank Maggie for teaching you the basics. You have the Google search engine page sat in front of you but you are too much of a coward to type in the search you want it to do. Pepper said the internet has trillions upon trillions of files of information and that you can find anything you want on there.

You take a deep breath and type what you want into the search bar, but then you stop and stare at the screen. You delete it. You bite your lip and type it back in and then press the send button. The screen confirms what it is you are searching for.

 _ _Arthur and Anna Bowman.__

Pages of records come up. You take a deep breath and start to run through them all, but nothing leaps out as the information you are looking for on your parents. You want to know what happened to them. You need to know. It was a thought you had when you were dying; you wondered if you would see them where you thought you were heading. And that thought stayed with you and has been in the back of your mind ever since.

There is a knock on the door and you get up and answer it. It's Pepper and you invite her in – after all this is her building.

"Sorry did I interrupt you?" she asks, nodding to the desk you were sat at and the open laptop.

"No, I was just...just trying to find some information thats all," you say and she picks up on the dejected tone in your voice.

"Can I help?" You shake your head but you keep on talking even though you don't mean to. "I was looking to see if I could find out what happened to my parents after I...was taken," you say, and she walks with you over to the screen.

"You never saw them again?" she asks and you shake your head.

"It doesn't matter...I mean, __it does matter,__ but they would have been all right if they still had each other. They were devoted to each other you see."

Pepper senses something in your tone. "May I?" she asks pointing to the screen and you nod.

Somehow she brings up a blank e-mail and asks you for their names and dates of birth, then for the name of your home town, you spell it for her. She types them all in and then sends the message to herself. "I'll see what I can find out for you," she says as she straightens up.

"I don't want to be a bother..." you begin, but she interrupts you, smiling.

"You're not a bother, how many times do I have to tell you that?"

She has come to ask you if you would like to go out somewhere; Nat and Sam have both left for a few weeks and she is aware that there is only you, Steve and Bucky left with her and Tony.

"Thank you. Thats kind of you but I thought I would do some more listings in the library," you say. The thought of going outside horrifies you. You have only been out twice since you came here and both times you found it so busy, so bright out there. If you had a reason for going out you could cope, but without one the outside world was a frightening place.

 _ _Pepper looks at Freya. She is too pale, but Ales has warned her not to push. He wants her fit physically before they can work on her mental health. "Maybe next week," she says and Freya nods. "I'll leave you in peace then...oh, and I'll let you know if I find anything out about your parents okay."__

 _ _She walks to the door and opens it. Freya thanks her again as closes the door behind her. Pepper decides that when Nat comes back she will ask her to drop by and persuade Freya to go out.__

 **...**

You have settled in to a routine. You wake up, eat breakfast, work in the library, eat lunch, work in the library, sleep again. You also try and get away with having dinner by yourself but Pepper has nabbed you several times for an uncomfortable meal with her, Tony, Steve and James. You could not wait to escape afterwards. In the evenings you borrow a film or TV programme from the library and watch it on the TV in your room. You had no idea so many wonderful films exist. Nat showed you something called 'Netflixs' before she left but you find the remote has a life of its own and you end up with something you don't want to watch so you have given up on that. You still do not like technology, and it clearly still hates you.

You try and avoid Steve and James as much as possible. Whenever you come across them Steve always seems so apologetic and James ignores you as much as he can. He is like a stranger these days, and you are beginning to think your Soldier – your James - simply does not exist any more. He has gone. You have lost him completely. The only problem is every so often you see vestiges of him. A look on his face, the way he lifts his hand and brushes his hair back off his face. You ask him the basic questions and he gives you the basic answers and all the time inside, you hurt. Your first thought in the morning is of him and your last thought at night is the same and it is wearing you down.

Your health is progressing but you feel your mind is breaking down. You feel empty.

 **...**

You wake up feeling antsy, and you do not know why.

You are still eating breakfast when both Bucky and Steve come back in from their morning run; Bucky is wiping the sweat from his face on the bottom of his tee shirt and you swallow as you see his bare stomach. You look away quickly. He goes to the fridge and takes out a carton of milk, it is already open and he drinks from it and Steve grumbles at him to use a glass instead. Bucky wipes his mouth on his arm and aims the empty carton at the bin. You can smell both men, and you are so aware of them so close to you.

Steve tells you he is heading into town later and asks if is there anything you need and you shake your head no.

 _ _Just my Winter Soldier if you can find him.__

You escape back to your room but you can't forget how close you were to James, how you could feel the warmth from his body, how you caught him looking at you for a moment and you smiled and he tried to smile back – you're sure he did.

You keep telling yourself surely you must have some purpose in his life? Then your mind cruelly replies; he hardly speaks to you, never seeks you out. You feel so tired these days; you do not always know what to do to fill all the hours. Pepper is kind and always tries to make sure you have everything you need but no one can give you that, no one can give you back your Winter Soldier, nor the James you knew.

Before you can stop yourself you leave your room and walk to his.

You hesitate outside of his door. You know he is in there, but you don't know what you are going to use as an excuse, you just want to see him, make sure he is all right - that is the excuse you give yourself. You know Steve is not around, and so there is no chance of bumping into him.

You knock on the door but there is no reply. Does he know it is you, and that is why he isn't answering?

You knock again, this time louder and the door handle clicks as the door swings open slightly. It wasn't shut properly. You can either close it and walk away or take your courage into your hands and go in. You are desperate, you tell yourself that you are intruding on his privacy but you just want to see him. You push the door a little wider and call out quietly. There is no reply and so looking behind you, you slip into the room and close the door.

Now you know why he didn't hear you. The shower is running and steam is coming through the open bathroom door. You feel bad, you shouldn't be here. You take hold of the door handle to let yourself out when you think you hear sobbing coming from the bathroom and you would recognise him anywhere.

You slowly walk over to the bathroom door, should you call out to him?

Through the door you can see the shower. The curtain is pulled partly across, but you can see him. And you blush. He is not sobbing. He is stood, metal hand against the wall, he is leaning into the water and he is using his other hand to masturbate. You swallow, you can't move. He hasn't touched you since you came back and deep down you know why: he has Steve now.

You cannot see his face, his hair hides it but you can hear the noise and groans as his hand works at making him come and you remember him so well, you can see his face in your mind and it hurts you so much. You watch the muscles in his back flex, you could trace every scar on his body. The water flows over him and you know who he is thinking of: Steve. It will always be Steve.

And compared to Steve, what have you got to offer him? Nothing.

He says something under his breath and his head swings back and you see his eyes are closed. There is utter concentration on his face, his hand grips himself so tightly and you know he is close to coming. You can't stay. You must get out and you back up until you hit the door, then turning and being quiet you leave his room, your heart thumping, feeling sick, feeling like your knees are going to give way.

You are no longer needed. You are no longer wanted for __any__ of his needs and you flee back to your room as if the devil is chasing you.

 **...**

 _ _He feels the water running over his body, he feels the grip of his hand, he needs the release and in his mind he begs: please. He imagines her body, her mouth, her long hair wrapped around his fist, but he cannot bring himself to the end. He needs her. Freya. Not just her image. He sobs. He knows he has to let her go, has to give her freedom; she no longer belongs to him, she should never have belonged to him.__

 _ _He hasn't dared touch her. If he sees her in a room, he doesn't go in. He is trying to create a barrier between them. The thought of her on her knees in front of him...of her mouth...he moves his head back, eyes closed tightly, please, please. He feels the rise in the pit of his balls, the ache there and his hand moves faster, the shower curtain ripples but he doesn't notice it, doesn't notice that someone has been in his rooms, he is too focused on coming to an end. Finally he feels it and sobs her name as he explodes in his hand, he carries on as more white liquid flies onto his body, the shower curtain, the tiled wall and then he slows until he finishes, until he feels himself softening and the pent up frustration has gone for a few more hours.__

 _ _The water running down his face is not just from the shower; it is mixed with tears as he sobs her name again. He has to let her go, he has to tell her. He has to do it today. He has been putting it off far too long.__

 _ _He reaches and switches off the water but stays leant against the wall until he slowly slides down it.__

 _ _He is home. He is back with Steve; Steve who should complete him but the price he now has to pay is losing her. He knows now she is part of him just as much as Steve is. He had never fully realised until now, until it is too late. If he lets her go then she has a chance of finding happiness, at having her own life, and she deserves it after all she has been through, he cannot deny her that.__

 _ _There is also talk of an indictment against him, and if that happens he wants her as far away as possible and safe against any blame of anything.__

 _ _Finally he moves. He feels old, he feels tired - not in body but in mind. He has to find the strength from somewhere to face her, to talk to her and convince her she needs to go. He knows she will feel guilty, she will feel he needs her so he must be convincing – he will tell her he doesn't need her any more, that he has Steve, why would he need her? His heart actually physically aches when he says the words in his mind. How will he live without her?__

 _ _He dresses, deliberately going slow; the longer it takes here, the longer it keeps him away from doing it. Finally he cannot put it off any more and he goes looking for her. She is a creature of habit and he knows where to find her.__

 **...**

You walk into the kitchen. You feel as though you will never get used to Stark's building: it is so opulent, everything is so big, you could feed an army in here. At first you don't see him but he has seen you. He is sat at the table, relaxed, leant against the wall, face blank, unreadable. You want to walk out but you hesitate and that is all it takes. You sit down opposite him; you are always drawn to him. There are just the two of you. You do not know this but he has chosen this as it is neutral ground with a table between you so he cannot be tempted to touch you. He knows you will not make a fuss in case someone else walks in.

In this he is a coward.

"I need to talk to you," he says and the bottom drops out of your world. You nod, you can't trust your voice yet, it could be nothing.

Abruptly he sits up and puts both arms on the table folded, his eyes don't leave your face.

Startled you sit back slightly.

It is then he looks away, looks around the kitchen as if wondering how he ended up here. His tone of voice is even, contains no emotion. "I think it's best if you leave." His words are short, sharp, final and then he looks at you again, his eyes cold.

You try to speak but what can you say? You are stupid - all you can think is you don't want to make this difficult for him, but who are you kidding? Of course it is not difficult for him, why should it be. He is home now.

"What..." you have to clear your throat. "What about you? I can stay until you get back on your feet, until..."

"I have Steve. He will help," he sits back, hands now resting on his thighs as if he is totally relaxed about what he is saying but -

 _ _\- but he is not. His whole body has broken out in a sweat and he prays that she doesn't see it. His heart is hammering so hard he can hardly hear what she is saying. Her face, the look on her face, it's as if he has just taken her soul and smashed it under his feet. Is he wrong to listen to the others? Are Pepper and Natasha wrong?__

"Of course. Stupid me. How could I forget Steve?" you cannot help being sarcastic yet you don't even know where it comes from.

He seems to ignore your words and speaks. "I've asked Tony and he says if you want help finding an apartment Pepper can help. Of course I'll make sure you don't have to work, I'll get something set up, a bank account, something like that. After all they do owe me a lot of back pay," he says it so simply you can see he has it is all worked out in his mind, and that there is nothing left for you say.

You try just once more "James..." but he interrupts you.

"My __name__ is Bucky, no one calls me James...look, I'm not the guy you think I am. Or was. I'm just a guy from Brooklyn who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. You don't __know or understand__ me all right?" And then he digs the knife in deeper, "Steve does."

"And you think you're still that __guy__?" you ask bitterly wanting to hurt him in the same way he is hurting you.

He is quiet for a minute and you don't think he is going to answer but he does. "I __want__ to be that guy again...I __want__ to be Bucky," and he finally looks at you, "and if I'm with you I can't be."

 _ _He is lying of course and he knows she will not realise it; he is an accomplished liar when he wants to be, something she cannot do. He expects to see relief or maybe anger but the sorrow he sees nearly cuts him in half. She is struggling not to cry. He guesses that the years with him has left her dependant on him. That is all it is. Nothing else. She will find someone else, someone who doesn't hurt her, someone who can give her a life and make her happy.__

 _ _So why doesn't she say something?__

 _ _He can't stand the silence. They are so alike in so many ways.__

" _ _Freya it's time for you to have your own life...finally, your freedom. You have spent all this time looking after me, now you can go out there, find a man to love, have kids...God, even a have pet dog if you want one," he tries to lighten his words, but the tone falls flat.__

 _ _Have kids__ he says. Of course, he doesn't know, doesn't remember. You can't. They didn't want him to __breed__. There is nothing left for you here, nothing left for you in the world. Nothing. You stand up. What more can you say. You look at him and your heart breaks.

"If you ever need me.." you start to say.

"I won't," his tone flat, final, as he stares back at you, eyes clear but dead and without another word you turn and leave the room.

 _ _He listens to her footsteps fade away and he feels sick. He gets to the sink just in time as it explodes out of him. He doesn't have much in his stomach and he still coughing up bile when he feels a hand on his back.__

" _ _Hey Buck you okay?" Steve's voice is gentle.__

 _ _For a moment, for a second, he thought it was her.__

 _ _It isn't. It won't ever be her again.__


	87. Chapter 87 - Alone

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eighty-Seven:**** ** **Alone****

 **Freya**

You are just trying to cope with breathing and walking. Nothing else. You reach your room and close the door behind you.

What Bucky has just done to you is akin to what they did to him when they took the remaining part of his left arm - but you do not know that, cannot know that. And he does not know it either; if he did, he would have been stunned.

You can't cry. You can't move. You can't do __anything__. You do not know how long you sit on the edge of your bed and you do not know what you were thinking because you simply weren't; your mind was and still is blank.

You hear movement out in the corridor and you come back to the land of the living. Footsteps pass your door, you know it is not him; you'd know his tread anywhere. You get up and find that you are cold, so cold that you shiver. You need only ask Jarvis to turn up the heat in your room and he will - but this isn't your room. It is merely somewhere you have been sleeping for the last few months, that is all.

Nothing here belongs to you.

You move over to the desk and sit down. Pepper had added all the things to your room that she felt you might need, including the laptop. She has shown you how to use the simple printer, and now you get your notes out of the drawer so you know what to do.

For a while you sit there looking at the empty screen and then something makes you sit up and you start to type. You finish two letters, print them out, and then in the desk drawer you find envelopes and put them in. You address them and prop them up against your library notebooks on the table.

Next you go into Google and look at times of buses and trains. You print them out even though you have no idea if you will use them, or even where you are going to head to, but it soon becomes obvious that you do not have much of a choice. Money is what rules many decisions in life, and it will dictate your life from now on.

You find a holdall from within the wardrobe. You have three pairs of jeans including the ones you are wearing, five black tee-shirts and three black polo-necks. You take them off the hangers and stuff them in the holdall, and then do the same with the underwear.

There are a few other items you take from the bathroom: shampoo, antiperspirant and your toothbrush. Whilst in there you catch sight of your reflection in the mirror. You are so pale, so lifeless.

Is this what he sees every time he looks at you? No wonder he doesn't want you.

You open the medicine cupboard and take out the scissors. Then looking in the mirror again you pull your plait around to the front. This time the scissors are sharp and do the job in mere minutes and after hacking at your hair you hold your long plait in your hand. Your head feels so light and your hair now just reaches your shoulders.

You throw the plait in the bin and walk out into the main room not caring that your hair is jagged and looks hacked, lopsided, wrong.

Lastly, from the bedside drawer you take the money Pepper gave you, $500. You had told her at the time you did not need it but she had insisted and now you are glad. It is all you have. You also take the official papers she had made for you. Your mind is still blank; you are on auto pilot. You need to leave. That is what he told you to do and that is what you are doing.

You pull your hooded jacket on and then the room is empty of everything you own. Empty of you.

You don't look back and you do not say farewell to anyone because you have no wish to. Why would you need to? No one will miss you. You use the elevator and exit the building at the back. Just before you leave for good, you post the keys Pepper gave you into the letter box on the side next to the door and then you walk away.

Jarvis is the only one who sees you go.

 **...**

You walk for miles, for hours. All the time your mind is blank and you are simply just following the pavement. You have no idea where you are going but this doesn't concern you. Nothing does. You are in shock but you do not know this; your mind is just trying to survive - nothing else.

It starts to grow dark and you are aware of the cold biting at you. You just have your hoodie jacket on, no gloves, no hat, and you had forgotten how much the cold can hurt. You stop when you realise you have run out of road. You must have been walking for hours and looking around you do not recognise anything.

In front of you is a hoarding for a new apartment complex; you follow the site around until you can see a security guard in a booth but no dogs. You duck under part of the wooden fence that is open and into the site itself. There must be an area that you can get out of the cold and curl up. It is now so dark you can barely see anything but at the back of the site opposite is an twenty-four hour mall and some light breaks the surfaces. You find a ground apartment that has been floored and has a roof, it is something. Quickly you take of your jacket and put on one of the jumpers over the tee shirt you are wearing and then put your jacket back on.

You get into the corner of the room and curl up as tightly as you can. Your mind is so exhausted it surrenders straight away and you sleep until dawn when again it is the cold that wakes you. You still can't think. You can't feel your fingers or toes and end up hobbling out of the site and over to the mall.

The security guard at the mall cannot decide if you are homeless or a hipster, but gives you the benefit of the doubt. You head for the restroom and use their facilities, warm water to revive your fingers (you know you shouldn't but you just want to be __warm__ ), the toilet, cold water to drink, not very good but beggars can't be choosers. You stay away from the mirrors. You can't face food, the very thought makes you want to be sick and your mind clamps down on that feeling. You mustn't think, just exist.

You know you have $500 but you also know that although it sounds a lot it really isn't. You need to find a place to stay, and a job: if you stay out on the street it will kill you. You are not equipped for it. Your mind steers you away from dying, if it allows you to linger on that thought you will think it is to good an idea. You start to think you do not have a strong enough reason for living but then you remember your promise to Jeremy Sands. Your mind blanks out and you start walking again, as far away from reality as possible.

The second night you sleep under a bridge and when you wake in the morning you can barely stand up, your body is telling you it needs sustenance, warmth. There is an underground station so you go down there and again use the restroom facilities but you try to make yourself a bit more presentable; a clean top, antiperspirant you have in your holdall. You even brush your hair but at no time do you look in the mirror.

You do not want to see yourself ever again.

This time you allow yourself to buy food and a hot drink, the cheapest you can find, disgusting but so good - until after your have eaten, and then your stomach rebels and you quickly have to return to the toilets so you can bring it all back up again. Still, for a short time you were warm.

Then you start to walk again. Your feet ache, so do your legs and you are beginning to feel it. You steer clear of areas with lots of people until eventually you enter a neighbourhood which does not have a lot of money in it. It is getting late again and your body is physically weary, and your mind exhausted, you do not know how much further you can go. Old brownstone buildings line the street and as you start to walk down it, it begins starts to snow. For some reason this panics you, you don't want the snow, you don't want to think about it.

Up ahead you can see a shadow; someone walking towards you. There is not a lot of light. As the figure draws near you move to the right of the pavement so he has room to walk by but something strange happens and without meaning to, you actually bump into him. You don't know how.

"My apologies ma'am," the man says to you and touches his hat. You see his face briefly. It looks familiar, but then he carries on walking. You look behind you to watch him but the snowflakes make you blink and then you cannot see him any more.

When he knocked into you, you had fallen against a metal railing with a post fixed to it. You look up at the post and it is an old fashioned faded shingle advertising rooms. You look back at the street but you are alone. The man has disappeared from view completely, and yet...something about him was just so familiar. And the hat he had been wearing was strange, you thought it may have been an English bowler.

You are so cold now that you cannot feel your hands or your toes. You look at the shingle again and then at the old brownstone building, and without thinking any more you climb the stairs to the front door and knock.

A lady comes to the door and you are not sure you like her. She is not sure she likes you, but agrees to show you a room. It is at the top of the house and she only rents weekly. The room she shows you is cold and damp, but as she turns on the light and the radiator and you can see the room is clean at least.

There is a bed pushed against one wall, a small night-stand, lamp and a chest of drawers. Over the other side a table is pushed up against the wall. A small old television stands on it looking like a ghost from the past. Next to the table is a small stove to cook on. A cupboard on the wall holds some basic crockery. Another door is next to the window and she shows you the bathroom; as the door opens it hits the bath but there is a sink and toilet and it is all you need. The carpet is threadbare but looks clean. A netted window looks out over the front street with the curtains already drawn.

A weeks rent is $260 with utilities and the use of the washing machine downstairs. A deposit of $260 is also required.

Now you have to be honest with her. "I have enough money to pay you for one week, and a $200 deposit. I need a job and I will be out looking for one from tomorrow, once I have one I will pay you more." You show her $460; it is nearly all the money you possess, and she can see that. It will leave you with $50. "If I don't get a job then I understand after a week you'll expect me to move out and I will. I will not cause you any problems I promise."

She looks at you silently.

"Please. I need this," you say.

The thing about you is you always tell the truth and most people whether they like you or not, have always believed you. It is your one redeeming feature – even those who have suspicious minds trust you. It is a shame you do not realise this.

The woman looks at the money. The room has been empty for months and she knows that there are not a lot of people who are looking for accommodation. The money would come in useful. You look honest; and truth be told, she thinks you look as if you have just survived a train crash. She takes the money.

"One week, no refund if you don't stay. And if you do stay you still have to pay the extra $60 deposit," she says.

You swallow then nod. All your eggs are now in one basket but you don't know what else to do.

"Follow me."

She gets you to sign a book. Your signature is unreadable but it doesn't seem to bother her. She doesn't want any other details, after all if you don't stay it is cash in her pocket and does not have to be declared to anyone. She shows you where the washing machine is in the basement and surprises you by giving you clean sheets and towels. She also adds some coffee and a pack of biscuits, you stutter your thanks.

She takes you back up to your room and gives you two keys then just as she goes to leave she stops and looks at you. "A couple of blocks down, there's Sal's Diner, he's always looking for waitresses." Then you are left by yourself, alone.

You put your holdall down and make the bed up. There are two blankets but you will need to stay dressed in what you have on to stay warm. You lock the door, turn out the light and get into the bed, you are too tired to even make a cup of coffee to warm up. You curl into the smallest ball you can. Your old injuries twinge and ache. The room is dark, cold and the noises the house makes are strange and frightening to you.

You want so much to be back with him but your mind shies away from any memory of him whatsoever. You cannot survive otherwise. You can't cry and you fall asleep thinking of nothing.

 **...**

 **James**

He manages to convince Steve that he is okay, that it must have been something he ate and then he left and made his way to his own room. He knows he is not alone, that Steve will always be there for him but he feels like the bottom has fallen out of his world. He is angry with himself, and angry with her. For christ's sake with all Hydra made him do but when it comes to this woman he can't even breathe at the thought of letting her go? It's pathetic.

 _ _You have Steve. What more do you want?__

He prowls around his room, can't settle to anything, can't get her out of his head. He needs distraction, he doesn't want to think any more and for the first time he seeks out company and decides to join the others, not realising that part of him hopes she will be there.

She isn't.

The rest of the day goes slowly. Steve knows there is something wrong but Bucky won't talk; he has gone quiet and they know to leave him alone. He sits watching TV only his thoughts aren't on what he is seeing, he doesn't even know, he is miles away looking for answers, always looking for answers.

For the next two days he doesn't see her, doesn't think to ask anyone else if they have seen her. In his mind he knows he needs to speak to Steve and Pepper and finally he summons the courage to ask them quietly if he can have a word.

When they are alone he explains that he has told Freya she needs to leave.

"I promised I would set up some type of bank account but I don't have the money and I don't know how to -" he begins, but Pepper being her usual efficient self stops him there promising she can take care of that with no problem.

"But I don't understand why you told her she has to leave," Pepper says.

Bucky is quiet for a moment and then speaks, his tone low and ashamed "Because I can't cope with her being here. Every time I see her I want to...to touch her, be with her and I can't can I? I promised you I would give her her freedom."

Pepper studies him. A lot of her sympathy is with Freya, but the more she gets to know Bucky the more she knows that for him there will be no quick fixes. She begins to realise he deserves her sympathy just as much. "I've given her a job, did you know that? I could move her to a different level so you wouldn't have to see her, I could..." Pepper stops looks down and sighs. "When is she leaving?" she asks.

"I don't know, we didn't...didn't talk about __when__ ," Bucky stutters. He has gone quiet and introvert, he is feeling sick inside, doesn't know what to do next, doesn't want to talk any more about it. Just wants to just forget.

"I still don't fully understand why?" Steve says quietly. He is bewildered, because he knows how much Bucky misses not being able to be with Freya, he knows how much the Soldier needs her. "Is it because of me?" he asks.

Bucky shakes his head and he bites the inside of his cheek. "She deserves to have her own life," he says. He doesn't want to think about it any more, it has been on his mind and his head aches with the continued thoughts.

"I think really we need Freya here in on this conversation so we can plan things. Jarvis, where is Freya at the moment?" Pepper says.

"Freya is not in the building," Jarvis responds.

Pepper looks at Steve and frowns, he shrugs. Bucky begins to get a sick feeling.

"Do you know where she is?"

"I'm afraid not Pepper. She left the building two days ago. I don't know where she was going," Jarvis is apologetic.

Silence.

"What do you mean, she left?" Pepper asks.

"She left the building two days ago and has not returned since," Jarvis clarifies.

Before they can stop him Bucky is out of the room and running. At the door of her room he doesn't stop but bursts in with Steve and Pepper not far behind. "Freya!" he shouts and comes to a halt.

The room is empty.

He can see the bed has not been slept in, he runs through to the bathroom – also empty - and just as he turns to go he sees something that makes his blood run cold. In the bin, curled at the bottom, is her plait. He stops and swallows as he slowly takes it out. The hair is still tightly bound and he grips it in his metal fist as he walks out to the bedroom.

Pepper has found the two letters on the desk. One is addressed to Steve and she passes it to him. The other is addressed to her. Bucky looks at Steve and Steve cannot bear the look in his eyes; it is utter bewilderment and fear. But, he can also see anger brewing, it is like looking at Bucky and the Soldier at the same time.

"Jarvis, do you have __any idea__ where Freya went?" Pepper asks.

"No Pepper I'm sorry I don't. I do believe she looked up bus and train times on her laptop before she went."

She turns and taps the keyboard on the laptop in Freya's room. She looks at the history but other than what Jarvis has just told her there are no clues. "Can you check booking and see if there is anything in her name?" Pepper asks, knowing full well that Tony has Jarvis plugged into every computer system in New York, probably in the world.

"I cannot trace anything in her name but if she paid cash then it would not be registered, I'm sorry Pepper."

She quickly opens the letter in her hand and scans through it. It is a promissory note to pay back the money Pepper gave her, an apology for not finishing the work in the library, and a thank you for taking her in. It gives no indication of where she has gone, merely confirms she will not be back. "Damn it," Pepper says under her breath. "Show me her leaving the building," she asks Jarvis and the laptop screen changes and shows the back door exit to the building. A few seconds later they see Freya exiting it, carrying a holdall and with her hooded jacket on. Her hair is cut in a jagged line just below her shoulders.

They watch as she posts the keys back through the post box.

"Zoom in on her face."

Jarvis obliges. Freya's face is pale, her eyes blank. On the screen she turns left and walks away.

Bucky turns back to Steve. "Is there an envelope for me?" he asks, the anger rising. Steve looks away, he doesn't know what to say.

"Obviously couldn't wait to get away then could she?" Bucky says bitterly, his metal hand grips the plait tighter, he has forgotten he is holding it. He seems to stumble and falls back catching himself and ends up sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Buck I don't think..." Steve starts to say.

But it is Pepper who comes up to Bucky, her own anger showing. She is not angry with Freya, but with him. __Bloody men, don't they know anything!__ "Why the hell did you __tell__ her to go? It looks like she took you at your word," her tone is aggressive.

Bucky looks up as if he cannot believe what she is saying. " _ _You__ told me to let her have her own life..."

"To have her own life yes, but not to be alone! She is still sick! You saw the look in her eyes just now on the recording!"

"You...told...me, you and Romanoff. __You have to let her go so she can have her own life,"__ he mimics a female voice."I did what you told me to do!"

"Yes but..."

"So she can meet a man, have children...have a family! Those were your words!" Bucky says through gritted teeth.

"Look wait a minute you two, arguing isn't going to help her, we need to..." Steve has started to say just as Jarvis is also saying something, his voice echoes through the room, "That Sergeant Barnes, would be impossible."

"What? What would be impossible?" Pepper asks.

"I have Freya's medical file on record. She cannot bear children so she would not be able to have a biological family," Jarvis' voice is non committal, he is just giving them the facts.

"I don't understand," Bucky says. He doesn't think he has heard right.

"Hydra ordered for Miss Bowman to be sterilised, quite some time ago. The file says they could not allow you to... _ _breed__ , that was the word they used."

The blow hits him hard. "No, you have that wrong, she would have told me."

"Ah, Sergeant the file says you did know."

"Can you explain a little more Jarvis?" says Pepper.

"The operation was done without Miss Bowman's permission. There was a complication and it nearly killed her. When the Winter Soldier found out what had happened, he murdered the doctor who performed the operation. As punishment, he was wiped for the very first time and she was made to watch. It turned out to be a blessing for Hydra as the wipe stabilised the two personalities that were housed inside his mind, it brought them together. That turned out to be the defining time in their experimentation. The file notes that this is when Sergeant Barnes truly became the Winter Soldier."

The information stuns all of them into silence. Bucky is trying to remember, surely it is something he would never forget? He thought he had remembered everything about her. What other things have not come too light? How much more does he have left that is going to sneak up on him and tear his mind apart? "You said there was a complication?" his voice is unsteady and he has to clear his throat.

Jarvis hesitates. He has come too far though to withhold information now. "Miss Bowman was two months pregnant. She didn't know and they never told her," he says and even now the air is still.

Then Bucky feels like he has been punched in the stomach and winded. He suddenly starts to wheeze, he can't catch his breath. He drops from the edge of the bed to his knees and the world starts going black. He can hear Steve's voice telling him to breathe slowly, in and out, he feels Steve's hand on his back.

"I didn't know," he gasps "I swear I didn't know."

Pepper has put a hand to her chest and now sits down on the chair at the desk. She is a worldly-wise woman but still has no idea of the evil of some people. "Does the file say..." she doesn't know how to ask the question because it is so personal, so awful but Jarvis is intuitive, knows Pepper.

"The Director in charge ordered tests to be done on the fetus but it disappeared. In one of the personal files Doctor Jakobs took the fetus and had it cremated so Hydra could not experiment on it in anyway."

Bucky looks at Steve, face drawn, black shadows under his eyes.

"What have I done Steve? What have I done?" Bucky bows his head and weeps whilst Steve sits besides him holding him tight.

 **...**

 **Freya**

You walk to the diner at the end of the road, __block__ , you must think differently here, think American. You see the sign your landlady mentioned. It has fallen and rests half way down on a low windowsill.

WAITRESS WANTED.

Some of the letters are faded. Another person would consider this a bad omen;, there must be a high turn around of staff but it doesn't even cross your mind. You need a job, and this is a job. You are not suited for much else. Hard work will keep you busy, keep you occupied, keep you alive.

You push the door open and go up to the counter. The place is run down but clean, __laid out just like the old carriage diner__... that thought stops in your mind, don't think of the past. It is laid out with booths on a chequered floor then a counter runs the entire length with individual stools, the place needs redecorating but it is in a poor part of the city. What else are you going to find here? An older lady behind the counter calls out to you.

"With you in a minute," she is putting things away under the counter but soon sees you haven't taken a seat.

You point to the sign. "I'm here about the job," you say.

She looks at you for a moment. __Nice girl, polite__ , but then she __really__ looks at you. Waitresses know a lot about people. Your clothes are simple, utilitarian, the hooded jacket you have on is thin, much too lightweight for this weather and she can see how cold you are. Your hands are nervous, but clean, your face is pale, dark circles under your eyes. __Not a druggie__ she thinks, __but something bad has happened here.__

You try to smile back at her, and for that she feels a sense of motherly affection. __Definitely something bad has happened here,__ she thinks again.

The waitress looks older than you - most people do and yet you are older than all of them. She is in her late fifties, bleached honey coloured hair curled, nice eyes and her name badge says her name is Honey, __like her hair__ you think.

But that is as far as your thoughts go. Your mind only needs to consider the here and now, what is to happen in the next few minutes.

Honey decides: _ _Why not. It's not as if they are lining up at the door. Kid looks as if she could do with a break.__

"Come around here," she indicates that you are to walk around to her side of the counter and follow her. You go past the window to the kitchen and then down a narrow corridor with doors each side. On one side the doors say Stockroom and Kitchen, and on the other Staff Toilet and Fire Exit. At the end is another door and she knocks on this, without waiting for a reply she enters.

"Someone about the job," she says, then she stands back to let you in and closes the door behind you.

You are in small office with a man in his mid-thirties, going bald, plumpish, sitting behind a desk covered in paperwork. He points at a chair on your side of the desk and you sit down. "So?" he says and holds both hands up for you to say your piece.

Your mind is blank. "The notice in the window," you say.

He is quiet but so are you. "Yeah the waitress job...?" he prompts.

"Yes sir."

"And?" he asks.

You don't know what to say; it is a long time since you had a to apply for a job, a very long time and you are totally out of your depth. Your mind is just about coping with walking and talking, dealing with people is something it is having trouble with.

"You don't say a lot do you?" he says sarcastically. He has almost written you off.

"No sir, I'm sorry," your truthfulness saves you again.

He stares at you for a bit longer. "I take it you're English by you're accent?"

You sit up in the chair. You need to concentrate, you need a job, you need __this__ job. You try to think of the potted history Pepper has made up for you but the very thought of Pepper makes your mind skirt away. Just tell the truth where possible. "My father was English, my mother Russian," you say.

"And what was your previous job?" he asks.

You swallow. "I was a nurse."

He looks at you for a bit and then leans forwards and beckons you to as well. He indicates he wants to look at your hands. He looks at them, turns them over, short nails, clean, soft. He lets go and sits back.

"Have you done waitressing before?"

"No," and you shake your head.

"Any references?" he pinches the skin between his eyes as though you are causing him a headache.

"No," and you realise this is no good, he doesn't want you, why should he? You stand up. "I'm sorry to have wasted your time," you say and try to smile, and turn to go. You have your hand on the doorknob when you hear him say something.

"One week."

You turn back to him.

"I'll give you one week, if you're no good then, pssht you're out," he beckons you to come and sit down again, you do.

"Thank you," you say, because you need to say something and you feel so relieved.

"Don't thank me yet you haven't heard the pay and hours," he says grabbing some paper and a pen. He also throws a small box on the desk. It is full of badges with names on them.

"Name?"

You hesitate slightly then tell him, he writes it down. "Hmm, I haven't got a badge with that name on."

You can see one of the names in the box and you jump in with your first ever true lie.

"I was named for my grandma, not a nice woman. People usually call me Sarah," you say. This is the most you have said and it causes him to frown and he pauses in his writing. Something is off here and he knows it but if you want to be called something different who is he to argue. He shuffles the box forward and you take the name plate Sarah.

You don't want anyone ever saying your true name again out loud. She no longer exists to anyone, not even yourself. You may have to use that name on official paperwork but you don't want to ever hear it on anyone's lips.

"Address?" you give the details of your boarding house and he raises his eyebrows. He writes a few more things and ticks a couple of boxes then sits back. "Okay, it's six bucks an hour plus tips that you all share. Any food left at the end of the night that can't be used the next day is yours. You'll get paid weekly, any questions?"

You shake your head.

"Hours, then. We have several shifts but I need you to mainly work the 11am to 10pm shift. You'll have an hours' break for lunch and two fifteen minutes breaks. When it's quiet you can have as many coffees you want as long as you keep working. I expect you to be here on time and to help close up. You'll normally be on that shift with Honey, who you met outside. Two days off a week, I think you'll find they'll be during the week but double check with Honey. Think you can handle it?" he asks studying you.

"Yes sir but..."You have been trying to add up as you go along.

He raises his eyebrows, expecting a complaint about the minimum wage or something similar instead you surprise him.

"Could I work six days a week? It doesn't matter which days."

He studies you again. He has had trouble keeping waitressing staff because of the long hours, and now here is one who wants to work longer.

"No problem, but you still only have a week to prove yourself," he says. He scribbles some more things and then pushes the paper over to you. "Sign here..." as you sign the piece of paper he gives you he carries on talking. "And don't keep calling me sir, call me Sal, everyone else does. __Pssht__ no respect around here."

He takes the paper and gets up, you follow. He takes you back to Honey.

"Get her some uniforms. Name's Sarah, she's doing six days, told her you'll let her know her day off, introduce her to George and tell her what she needs to know..." he turns back to you. "Tomorrow. 11am sharp," then he goes.

You turn back to Honey. "Do you always look so serious?" she asks.

You do not know what to say.

"Well I guess you do. Come on," she takes you back down the corridor to the store room and finds you three uniforms, worn but clean. "Hmm tall aren't you? You'll have to take the hem down," and you nod. You are glad to see that the dresses have small sleeves which should just be long enough to cover the star on your left arm.

Honey never seems to stop talking but you don't mind that, it keeps you from thinking.

"Tuesday will be your day off. You sure you wanna do six days?"

You nod and she shrugs her shoulders. "See you in the morning."

You find yourself back out on the pavement. You need to think about buying a few items so turn to go to the convenience store you saw another block down. A cheap alarm clock, some tights, washing powder, a small sewing kit, a loaf of bread, milk, a tin of ham but after wandering around the store you find you cannot think any more and you head... _ _home, no that is not right__. Nowhere is home any more. You do not have a home.

All __you__ need to think about is what is happening next, you don't need to think about the past, the future, nothing but the now. Getting up in the morning, going to work, work, going home, sleeping, getting up the next morning. That is it, that is all, nothing else. You no longer live. You just exist.

" _ _Well ma she's a strange one," Sal says to Honey. They are mother and son; she started the diner with her husband all those years ago, and now Sal helps her run it.__

" _ _Reminds me of your father," Honey leans against the wall outside smoking and Sal frowns. She raises her hand to point at her eyes. "Same eyes...when he came back from the war, they call it the thousand yard stare," she says between puffs.__

" _ _Yeah see what you mean...only Dad blew his brains out."__

" _ _Yeah. That's what worries me." Honey drops the cigarette end and heads back inside with Sal behind her.__

" _ _Isn't it about time you gave those up Ma?" Sal complains for the millionth time.__

 _ _She doesn't reply.__

 **...**

 **James**

People would argue that James is not alone: that he has Steve, he has friends in Sam and Nat. Pepper cares about him and Tony...well Tony is another matter.

But he is alone inside. He also does not know who he truly is and slowly his mind is spiralling out of control. Steve can see this but nothing he can do or say helps. Since Freya left Bucky has been quiet, pale, pretends to eat, and spends a lot of time running as if demons are after him. He asked Bucky why and he just said he was trying to run away.

"What from?" Steve asked.

And his friend had cried: "I don't know."

Freya had left Steve a letter and he is glad that the shock of Jarvis telling them about Freya's past took the thought of the letter from Bucky's mind. Steve hadn't gotten to know Freya very well but he did understand how much she loves James Barnes. He could see it in her eyes when she looked at him, see the way if Bucky had let her she would have touched him. In the letter she has promised that when she is settled she will contact Jeremy Sands and let him know where he can contact her in case the threat of indictment happens and she is needed to testify for James. She said she knows Steve will look after James because she could see the love Steve has for him. What she does not tell Steve is that once the trial is over and she is no longer needed, she will end her life. She is not being dramatic: her only reason for not doing it now is in case she is needed for the trial. Once that is out of the way she wants peace and quiet. She doesn't want to live without James.

Steve asks Ales to visit. He is worried about the amount of migraines Bucky is experiencing - they are growing more frequent and are often now accompanied by severe nose bleeds and bloodshot eyes. Ales examines Bucky but he explains to Steve that really he needs an MRI scan to see what is happening inside his head. Bucky refuses.

Sam is the one who actually comes up with an idea, one that at first Bucky is dead set against. The problem is whenever Bucky tries to remember, the Hydra programming kicks in and the migraines begin. The deeper within his mind he goes the more severe the migraines are. Sam has a friend who does hypnotherapy sessions – he met her through his PTSD support group.

Steve had at first glowered at Sam. "Let me get this right, you actually want Buck to be hypnotised when he has spent the last seventy years being hypnotised? I mean why don't you ask him to just have his other arm cut off at the same time!"

"Steve, its not like that."

"Really?"

"Really...Steve come on, do you honestly think I would suggest it if I didn't think it would give him some peace? Look at him Steve. He's unravelling. Pretty soon there won't be anything left of him. You have to __do__ something."

Even though Bucky is not with them Steve lowers his voice. "I need to find Freya. __That's__ what I need to do."

"And any luck on that front?"

Steve shakes his head. "No, Jarvis has found her on some CCTV but then nothing. Its like she stepped off the pavement and disappeared."

"So...?" Sam asks. Steve looks at him for a long time and then nods.

"Can't hurt for him to meet them," he says quietly.

Janis Morrow turns out to be an attractive black woman in her mid-thirties. When Sam first asked her to meet a friend of his she smiled and raised her eyebrows. Sam and Janis have been friends for a long time, and she has been helping him recently with his sleep problems - it wasn't difficult as for sometime now they have had a personal relationship bordering on something more serious.

When he brings her to Stark Tower, she is intrigued. When he introduces her to Steve Rogers, she is surprised but then when she sees the other man her heart flutters for a moment with fear. Like a lot of people she has heard about the Winter Soldier, and like them she only knows what she has seen on the television. Sam has never mentioned that he knew him.

Some people are natural healers. Janis is one of them. She can see Bucky is in pain and not just physically; she puts her hand out to shake his and she sees the trembling, sees the paleness but what breaks her heart is the way the man tries to smile at her, tries to put __her__ at ease. She keeps hold of his hand and puts her other one over it. "Please trust me," she says quietly, as if they are the only two people in the room.

They are in the communal area. It has taken them days to persuade Bucky to meet with Janis. The thought of someone trying to control his mind was so frightening he grew angry, distrustful and it is Steve who has finally persuaded him. But under one condition: Bucky is never alone with her. He isn't alone now. Both Sam and Steve are there but so are Pepper and Tony.

Pepper has come along because Tony insisted on being there and at the moment she feels cannot trust him. There is something wrong with him and she does not know what. He won't tell her, just smiles that Tony smile.

Tony is having trouble letting go of his hatred for James Barnes. For so long now he has had someone specific to blame for his parent's death, but now? Now he feels angry at the man for even taking __that__ away from him. He knows it is unjustified, but his mind has come up with another excuse to hate this man. He believes no one can be persuaded to kill, not for as long as the Winter Soldier did. James Barnes __must__ have at some time been able to resist them or at least fight, Tony believes he didn't despite the films he has seen, the reports. There is so much anger in him that has festered for so long, he needs the hatred to survive, without it he doesn't know what he would do.

Tony Stark is himself heading for a breakdown.

As Janis tries to explain to the group what she feels she can do to help Bucky, Tony makes trouble. He is sarcastic, makes comments, makes noises to show what he thinks of the idea and in the end Janis confronts him calmly. "Well Tony, may I call you Tony? What is your biggest problem with hypnotherapy?" she asks. Her voice is firm, questioning.

Tony leans forward, eyes focused on Janis. He wants to make sure that James Barnes hears what he says. "Well Janis, may I call you Janis? I don't believe you can persuade anyone to do things you want them to do by passing a watch in front of their eyes a few times. I don't think anyone can hypnotise or programme another person..."

"Tony!" Pepper is annoyed.

Steve looks at Bucky who is sat back, arms crossed but jaw set. He is taking in everything Tony is saying. Sam looks at them worriedly. Where the hell has this come from? Why is Tony suddenly so hostile?

Janis holds her hand up at Pepper and smiles: "Its all right, you would be surprised at how many people say that to me." Then she focuses back on Tony. "Let me ask you a question," and he nods, gestures with his hands that he is open to anything. "In this room who means the most to you?"

Tony frowns. "I can't see that..." he is about to argue but then sighs "...ooh all right. Pepper."

"If I __persuaded__ you to fire a gun at Pepper, and you __did,__ would you believe me then?"

Tony is laughing before she has even finished talking. The others have gone quiet, very quiet. Bucky is looking at her now. "Oh give me a break...you really think you could do that?" Tony is smiling but as he does Janis has reached for her handbag and he watches as she withdraws from it a small gun and places it on the table. Tony tuts but there is a sheen of light sweat on his brow. She turns the handle towards him.

"If you check it you will see it is loaded," she says and he reaches out but hesitates. She calmly looks at him and muttering he picks it up. It is loaded. He puts it back down on the table. "Now Tony, bear with me I would like you to recite the alphabet," her voice is still calm, her eyes still fixed on him.

He looks at Sam as if to ask what the hell but then focuses back on her and begins to recite,

"A,B,C,D,E,F,G..." and as he says the letter G he picks up the gun, aims it at Pepper and fires.

 **...**

Tony sits on the edge of the sofa, his hands are shaking. His heart is thumping and he feels nauseous. Steve passes him a cup of water which he drinks straight down, the glass knocking against his teeth.

He rests the cold glass against his forehead and is saying the same thing over and over. __I'm sorry Pepper.__

"But you didn't shoot her," Janis is saying.

He looks up at her "But I know I did, I picked up that gun and..." He is looking at the gun that only a few minutes ago had been in his hand - but now there is no gun. Just a compact mirror. Janis picks it up and shows it to him.

"This is what I took out of my handbag. I don't have a gun, I don't believe in them," she says. She hands the mirror to him and he takes it, looks at it, opens it up. It is a simple mirror in a case. The demonstration was easy, the moment she met Tony she knew he was a non-believer, knew he would cause problems. The demonstration she has done wasn't just to prove to him that it could happen; that someone could be made to do something against their will but it was pointed at James Barnes as well. She has shown them both quite simply in an ordinary everyday setting she was able to make Tony shoot the one person he loved most.

She turns to Bucky now and smiles at him. His eyes are huge, shocked, and the pain in them is tremendous. "For me to help you I need you to trust not only me but yourself as well. Can you do that?" she asks.

"I don't know. I don't know if you can help" he says.

"I can't make it any worse. But you will need to be honest with me." And then she turns to the rest of them. "I need you to all be honest with me. I need to know what the hell is going on here."

There is a moments silence and everyone looks at Steve who nods. It is enough for Janis. "Right. Lets start at the beginning shall we," she says.

James Barnes looks at this woman. He had watched her every move. He had doubted her because he knows what a strong person Tony Stark is, yet she made him crumble into dust. Can she really help him with the migraines? Without those he can think again, think about how he can get Freya back, think about how he can cope with living.

 _ _Maybe__ even think about a future.

 _ _So you think you deserve a future now do you?__ the Soldier asks, he has been quiet up until now. The old Bucky shies away from a reply because he still believes he deserves nothing but death - but the new Bucky looks the Soldier in the eye. __Yes, I do and it will be one that has both Steve and Freya in it.__ The new Bucky's voice has steel in it. _ _But what I don't believe is that__ you _ _deserve a future and I'm putting you on notice.__

There is silence; there is no reply. Battle lines have been drawn.


	88. Chapter 88 - Pepper and Tony

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eighty-Eight:**** ** **Pepper and Tony****

Bucky is finding that the sessions with Janis are helping. Steve is always there with him. Whilst he trusts Steve with his sanity and his life, he still does not truly trust anyone else except Freya. Freya had told Steve a little about what had happened with Bucky at the camp, she had even mentioned about the 'ticking clock' process and he was able therefore to tell Janis some of what Bucky had faced. Listening to Steve talking to Janis was the first Bucky knew about it. It is a shame that Tony does not tell them what he has access to, it would have helped the process - although what effect it would have on Janis' mind, god only knows. Even for Tony some of the tapes and files are not easy to look at, and they have become harder to watch and read since Janis' first meeting with them.

After that meeting Tony had locked himself away in his lab. Pepper knows it is time she interfered, time she made Tony realise just how much she loves him, just how much she wants to be a part of his life, wants to be there for the bad as well as the good.

Tony is sat at one of the many work benches he has scattered around his lab and he is working on electronic parts whilst grumbling at his helping hand, Dum-E, who behaves more like a pet dog than an automaton. His other helping hand, Butterfingers, is parked away in the corner working on some type of monitoring system and when it sees Pepper it waves to her, she cannot help but smile and finds herself waving back.

"Am I interrupting?" Pepper asks Tony. Dum-E shakes it's head as if to say __no__.

"It's always nice to see you but I need to get this finished. Give me a bit longer and then I'll come and find you," Tony says picking up another circuity board.

"So I am interrupting?"

Tony smiles "Yes."

"Good, I hoped I was," and Pepper's reply stops him in his tracks and he looks at her. He knows that look on her face.

He does the Tony-looking-sheepish act that usually charms her, but he can see it isn't going to work this time. He throws down the board, crosses his arm and looks hard done by. Pepper takes one of his arms and pulls it to her and then takes his hand and kisses it which surprises him. Then she pulls him up from the bench and over to where he has an old couch he sometimes sleeps on.

"We need to talk," she says as she sits down next to Tony, totally focused on him. He goes to lie to her, to tell her __no__ __they don't,__ but instead he finds the words drying up in his mouth. "Tell me," she says quietly. Then she waits.

When he speaks it is not what she was expecting.

"Did she drug me?" he asks.

"Who?" Pepper is puzzled.

"You know who..." and when he can see Pepper is still frowning: "The woman, Janis."

"No! What makes you think she drugged you?"

"I would never have shot you Pepper, __never__!" And she can hear the anger in his voice.

"She said you probably wouldn't remember and warned me you would ask..." she says slowly, and Tony quietens.

"Okay, you remember what you said to her about not believing -"

He doesn't let her finish "Yes, yes I remember that!" he says impatiently.

"Do you remember her asking you to remove your wrist watch?"

Tony frowns. "She didn't." But there in the far recesses of his mind, it sounds familiar.

"You had said that no one could be made to do something by passing a watch back and forward...no let me finish," Pepper is firm and stops Tony as he goes to interrupt her. "Janis asked if she could show you a trick, make you do something you would never do and you agreed. She then asked you to take off your watch and look at it, she told you to watch the second hand ticking around and you did. Then she seemed to lower her voice, it was...comforting. She told you that in a minute she was going to take a mirror out of her purse and lay it on the table but that you would see it as a gun. She said she would then ask you to say the alphabet but when you reached the letter G you would pick the gun up, aim it at me and fire." Pepper smiles to try and belay any accusation that she thought he would hear in her voice. "She asked if you understood and you said yes."

Pepper pauses for a moment but she can see Tony is beginning to remember some of it. "What happened next?" he asks quietly.

"She then said to you, if I __persuaded__ you to fire a gun at Pepper, and you __did,__ would you believe me then? and you laughed at her. It was if you had forgotten about watching the second hand and what she had already said to you. She got her mirror out of her handbag and told you it was a gun and to look and see if it was loaded and you did! You picked up the compact case, opened it, nodded and put it back down. Then...well you know the rest, you started saying the alphabet and..." she tails off watching Tony digest what she has said, she can see him remembering his version of what had happened.

He lifts his hands and dry washes his face and then sits back. Pepper is shocked at the look on his face. It's as if he has been wearing a mask up until now. He is silent.

"Talk to me," she says. At first she thinks he is going to refuse but then he seems to deflate, seems to lose his energy.

And he talks. She doesn't interrupt him. Doesn't move for what seems along time.

He reminds her how his parents had been murdered but that the murder was never solved; how, when Hydra went down, he realised the truth, that it had been them and that they would have sent the Winter Soldier as the assassin. How he had been searching for him, only for Steve to deliver him to his very doorstep. How he had leaked the information of the decoded files to the news services so that public opinion would turn against James Barnes, how he added in bits that he guessed at but had turned out to be so wrong. And then they found out about the base. He had allowed Freya to be brought here because it would keep the Soldier tied to him but how Jarvis had found the new files, had found the truth. How the Winter Soldier had not been the one to murder Howard and Maria Stark.

"...And yet I still hated him! I couldn't hate Caldwell, he isn't here, he's dead, but here was this man who I had hated for so long and it seemed like...seemed like he had taken the very last thing away from me. If I could believe he was... _ _evil__ , that he gave in to them, he was a party to his own brainwashing then..." And here he stops.

Pepper can count on one hand how many times she has seen Tony Stark cry. Now she sees him stop, he cannot go on, cannot finish because he is too choked up.

"Oh Tony," she says softly and he looks at her. He can see how much she loves him, see how much it pains her to see him like this.

"A little fucked up, aren't I?" He always tries to fall back on his sense of humour.

"Just a little," she says. She pulls him into her arms, kisses the top of his head and allows him cry.

A noise finally quietens him. Dum-E has trundled over and extends its claw and actually pats him on the shoulder.

"I didn't know you had programmed him to do that," Pepper says and Tony shakes his head.

"I didn't..." Something tickles at the back of his mind. Something about Jarvis. "I think..." And now he sits forward, wiping at his eyes. Pepper leans forward with him. "I think I may have..." and she can see that Tony's mind is off thinking. He looks at the helping hand and Pepper can literally see the gears turning. "I've think I'm beginning to realise I've created more than an AI...more than __Just a Rather Very Intelligent System__...Jarvis?" He stands up and she follows suit.

"And James Barnes?" she asks before he can become distracted again. Tony knows what she is asking. He has done untold damage with the incorrect information he has put out there. That incorrect information is causing a lot of hate against the Winter Soldier. He will have to put things right. He turns to her. "Let me think," he says.

She studies him and he smiles sheepishly. "I know, I know." He bends forward and kisses her on the lips. She has her Tony back for now and she knows what is wrong. She can begin to help him. Begin to put things right.

"Perhaps you can do __me__ a favour and help Steve and Bucky out at the same time?" Pepper asks.

A suspicious look comes over his face and she pretends to flutter her eyes at him. He can never resist her doing that and it makes him smile. He comes up and puts his arms around her waist, leans in and kisses her slowly.

"Mmm," she says and then leans back breaking the kiss, "and the favour?"

He sighs. "What?"

"Jeremy Sands...Freya said she would let him know where she was but he says he can't tell me if he has heard from her and if so where she is now..." and now she walks her fingers up his arm and gives him her sexiest look "but...I'm sure you and Jarvis might be able to find something in his files?"

Tony laughs, releasing her and patting her backside, which normally would get a smack for the sexist thing it is, but instead she just widens her eyes innocently.

 **...**

It is not quite the walk in the park Tony thought it would be breaking into the lawyer's files and he is impressed with their security. He does not find an address, but there is a note on her file to say she is working as a waitress and gives the area zip code of where the diner is. Unfortunately there is no name. A quick look shows there are five diners in that area. How hard can it be? He passes the information on to Pepper who passes the list on to Steve. It's a place to start.

Then Tony starts to try and figure out how he can start to repair the damage he has done. He had supplied the misinformation to the DA on an anonymous basis and he now groans as he realises fully the damage he has caused. Barnes could end up shouldering the entire blame, allowing Hydra to get away with their crimes.

He needs to put it right but, as it happens, events will over take him. It is not going to be as easy as he first thought.


	89. Chapter 89 - Bringing Her Home

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Eighty-Nine:**** ** **Bringing Her Home****

You have not been in work long as you are working through to the late shift and the diner is beginning to fill up with regulars. You know in several hours time it will be mad. You had passed your weeks' probation despite breaking three plates and backing into a customer so that his entire order ended up decorating your uniform. You were employed for a certain shift but often now your shift is whichever one they need you on and you are as flexible as you can be, you never turn anything down. You do not keep up with dates, simply going from week to week so you cannot say for sure how long you have been here. You do not need to know. Years of living at the bases have left you with a sketchy memory for even knowing where in the year you are.

You are helping George in the kitchen. You don't mind the work, peeling potatoes, washing up, keeping everything going, it keeps you busy, keeps you active.

Honey spikes an order and dings the bell and George goes to fetch it from the hatch. When he comes back to start the food he is excited about something. He is an easy person to work with, pleasant, normally quiet and shy, a bit simple-minded but, whatever has got to him has him besides himself and under his breath he is murmuring.

"Oh my god,...ohmygod...ohmygod..." it sounds like a chant.

You take no notice and he is used to that; you are never rude but you never offer for anyone to unload on you and you do not unload on them. They are used to you by now and no one takes offence at your isolation. They need only take a long look into your eyes to see it is nothing personal.

He bustles around and ten minutes later calls your name.

"Sarah."

Then he calls you again. "Sarah..." What ever it is, he just needs to tell someone.

You look up. The food is ready but George still has hold of it at the kitchen hatch. "Sarah!" You smile at him and he beckons you over to the hatch. "Do you think Honey will let me take this out...ooh I can't believe it... I'm sure I'm right." You can see he is so nervous, so fidgety he can't stand still. "Can I?" he asks eagerly.

George does not normally leave the kitchen and never delivers the food to the tables. He usually leaves it at the hatch, rings the bell for the waitress to come and fetch it. So for him to ask is amazing, but he seems so excited by something. You like George and you cannot see a problem with him carrying the food out and you say so. He is so much like a puppy and for a moment you almost feel infected by whatever it is that is making him happy.

Then he shows you what exactly it is.

His voice is telling you but your eyes cannot believe the truth.

"See over there. Table Eleven...those two men? The blond one is Steven Rogers...you know, Captain America... _ _the__ Captain America and the man with him...well you know who he is, it's in all the news. He's that Winter Soldier. Everyone is talking about him. They say he's Russian and a nasty bit of work, kill you soon as look at you, killed lots of people. I can't believe the Cap is here in our diner and I've cooked his meal!"

You do not know he has been in the news. You do not watch the news. You rarely have the TV on and they do not have one in the diner. You never talk about the outside world to anyone. Thankfully George doesn't see the look on your face, the way your eyes widen, the sheer shock of seeing them again, of seeing James again.

"Ohmygod. I'm going to meet him...the Cap, he's my hero..." George is bubbling and without you realising you put the plates on a tray and pass it to him, your hands are shaking, your mind scrabbling.

If they are here, then you are not allowed to be.

George looks at you as he straightens his apron. "Do I look all right...Sarah? Do I look okay?" he pats his hair down.

You try to smile and nod. "You look fine George," you say automatically.

You don't want to stop looking at James, at the way he sits there, knee jiggling. His hair is still too long, it still needs cutting. His face, his eyes. But you also notice that he is wearing Steve's jacket. A sharp reminder to you that he is Steve's now. It does not occur to you as to why they are here, but they are - and you are not allowed to be in the same vicinity. All your fragile mind knows is he will not want you to be here.

You need to go. Far away. As far away as you can possibly go.

George bustles out beaming, leaving you stood in the middle of the kitchen. Your mind is blank. You have nowhere to go, where do you go? There is just nowhere left.

 _ _Neither of them can see Freya. The waitress who served them, Honey, wasn't the friendliest and they don't want to rouse suspicion by asking after Freya so instead they order coffee and food. They were able to find out that she is working in a diner, but not which one – although the area code they have is for this precinct. This is the third diner they have tried but with no luck, and the last thing they want to do is eat.__

 _ _They sit quietly for ten minutes. Bucky is facing the door and Steve is aware of his friend's foot and knee jigging up and down; the old Bucky would do that when he was nervous about something.__

" _ _Do you think we have the right place?" Bucky asks for the second time. But before Steve can reply the waitress comes up with their drinks. They are quiet whilst Honey sets their coffee down and then she goes back over to another table to take an order.__

" _ _I expect so, you know places like this Buck, they have different shifts, different people."__

 _ _As he says this he looks behind him to see what Bucky is looking at. It is a young man bustling up with a tray of food. The waitress is looking at him frowning, Steve sighs; he has seen that look on people's faces before. The waitress hadn't recognised him but this boy has.__

" _ _George?" Honey asks. George never comes out of the kitchen when customers are here, yet alone is ever trusted with carrying the food out. He puts the tray down on the table and stares at Steve. The poor boy can hardly speak. Bucky glowers at him, he doesn't want any interruptions.__

" _ _Sir, it is you isn't it?" The young man starts to twist his apron, aware of the Russian glowering at him. He wanted to see if he could look at the metal arm they talk about but the man has a jacket and gloves on, nothing shows.__

" _ _Well it was the last time I looked." Steve has a hundred and one answers to all the questions he knows he is about to be asked. The man glances nervously at Bucky, but then straight back at Steve; talking to Captain America is the most difficult thing George has ever done so there is no way he could handle a conversation with the Winter Soldier. Steve can see that George is perhaps 'on the spectrum,' a term Sam had taught him all about.__

 _ _Honey comes up."George!" she says exasperated.__

" _ _It's all right, Sarah said I could," he doesn't look at her as he knows he is in trouble."This is Captain America," he blurts out before Honey can say any more.__

 _ _She knows. How could she__ not _ _know with it plastered over the news? It is not the blond one that worries her though, it is his companion, the dark haired one. She is about to say '__ well whooppedoo' _ _when she catches sight of the companion. He is clearly scouting out the rest of the diner. She knows he is the man they talk about, the Russian. She immediately looks at the tell-tale left arm but he has a jacket and gloves on and there is no way to tell for sure.__

 _ _What she is sure about is that she doesn't want them in her diner. Whilst she is aware of the controversy in the news about this man she does not know the whole story: does not even know he is not Russian, he is American, does not know of the counter argument that he is the longest serving POW. All she knows is he is deadly and a killer and currently he is in her diner.__

 _ _She also knows Freya is Russian and has a scar at the top of her arm that is the shape of a star. Freya does not know that Honey knows. She saw it by accident when Freya was changing her uniform in the staff toilets after a customer had spilt their dinner over her. She never spoke of it but then later when she had seen and read a report about the Russian assassin and the star on his metal arm, she couldn't help but wonder what trouble had they given shelter to at their diner.__

 _ _The man looks at her and she swallows. She is sure he can read her mind. And indeed he can, because he sees it in a lot of people's eyes; their immediate dislike of him, their immediate hate, their fear.__

 _ _Honey becomes aware of the blond's conversation with George, and Bucky sees her eyes narrow.__

 _ _George is talking. "No sir, we don't have a waitress with that name," he is saying and then starts to count on his fingers."We have a Mary, a Sarah, a Juliet but she is only in on the weekend, then there is Honey..." he blushes slightly aware he shouldn't be talking about staff.__

" _ _I think back to the kitchen George...now!" Honey says and hands him the empty tray.__

 _ _Neither Steve or Bucky have touched their plates. Bucky is still focused on Honey. He had seen her glance to the kitchen hatch when the boy mentioned one of the names but he isn't sure which one.__

 _ _Before George can walk away Bucky is out of his seat and has his arm. George draws back startled and frightened; the look on Bucky's face is intense.__

" _ _Buck..." Steve starts, moving to stand and go to George's rescue.__

" _ _Which one is in the kitchen now," Bucky growls. George drops the tray and almost wets himself. Bucky's hand tightens on the young man's arm.__

" _ _Sarah, it's Sarah," he can see the man is telling the truth. Bucky looks back to the hatch, but he can't see any movement.__

" _ _Sorry about this..." Steve is saying guiding Bucky's hand away, bending to pick up the tray and smiling at the boy. "My friend gets a little over-excited," he says.__

 _ _Honey is going to ask them to leave, Steve can see that and he is getting money out of his pocket when George turns back to them. He wants to be friends, he wants to please the Cap. "You would like Sarah, she speaks Russian," he says looking shyly at Bucky. He remembers George saying Sarah was the one that let him bring the tray out.__

 _ _Bucky's heart stops. And then he is moving.__

" _ _Shit no, Bucky!" Steve shouts as Bucky vaults the counter and is heading for the door of the kitchen half way down the corridor. Steve hears the door smash open as he follows at a run.__

 _ _Honey is telling George to call the police. She is sure they have found Sarah. By the time she gets to the corridor the tall dark one is trying all the doors calling Freya's name, Steve behind him. They hit the fire exit which takes them out to the alleyway, still nothing.__

 _ _Honey wonders where she is. Is she hiding? Is this the reason for her fear? For her isolation? This Russian assassin?__

 _ _The two men come back in bumping straight into Honey."I've called the police, get out of here now!" she tries to be indignant but they see right through her; she is frightened.__

 _ _Bucky goes to speak but Steve stops him. He takes a deep breath. He holds his hands up to show he means no harm. "Ma'am, we're not here to hurt her, please help us," he says in his most honest tone. He needs this woman's co-operation.__

 _ _George comes in behind them, frightened at what he has caused.__

" _ _Look," Steve says to Honey. "If you know Freya then you know she is not all right, you can see she is not all right, and we need to find her before she can hurt herself."__

 _ _When Bucky hears Steve say it out loud it is like a punch in the stomach and that is what breaks through to Honey, the look on the man's face when his friend says that. The look of absolute panic in his eyes – it is not what she would expect from an assassin.__

 _ _Honey turns to George."Where is she?"__

" _ _She was in the kitchen...honest Honey, she helped me get the tray ready."__

" _ _Did she see us?" Bucky asks.__

 _ _George bows his head and nods. He feels whatever has happened must be his fault.__

 _ _At that moment Sal comes in through the back door straight into what is happening. "What the?...Ma?"__

" _ _Sal have you seen Sarah?" Honey asks.__

" _ _No. I've been to the bank. Just got back. What the hell is going on?"__

" _ _Freya. Her name isn't Sarah, it's Freya..." Bucky says softly.__

" _ _Thats right," says Sal. "And who the hell are you?"__

 **...**

You need to go now.

You can't walk out through the front. You just need to go. Your jacket and bag are in Sal's office which is locked whilst he is out at the bank before it closes. You go into the corridor and then out of the fire door. At the end of the alley you cannot turn left to where you live now as you will walk past the diner's windows, so instead you turn right. Past the convenience store and up the road.

You cannot return to your room. You must leave everything behind.

You do not notice the cold. You only have your pink waitress uniform on and people give you strange stares as you walk past them. You can no longer think; you need to get away, need to just keep on walking and that is what you do. Keep on walking.

 _ _The day is bleak. The snow starts to fall again keeping people inside, the few people on the street steer clear of the woman in the waitress uniform, they do not want to get involved, they don't like the faraway look in her eyes.__

The cold has entered your body. It works its way through to your fingers and toes, but you just keep stumbling on because your mind is just about exhausted with keeping you alive all this time. It cannot cope with any more. You are at the end of the line.

It begins to get darker and you are still walking; by now the snow has melted through your clothes, through your shoes. Your hair is soaking wet. Still the snow lands on you. A few people have jeered at you as you walk, they are drunk, celebrating God knows what but you don't even hear them, you just keep walking.

You are leaving the light of the last row of shops behind as you enter a poorer suburb. This is just not poor, it is drug-ridden and you shouldn't be here. Not even the police come alone. You are stumbling more now because you can't feel your toes. Your hands are tucked under your arms.

Suddenly you find you cannot walk any further because there is a group of men circling you and blocking your way. You turn to go back the way you came but they are behind you as well. They sense prey when they see it: you are alone, you are vulnerable.

The leader comes up, looks at your name badge.

"Now __Saarrah__ ," he draws the name out. "What are you doing here?" he asks and his friends laugh. You turn again and try and walk away but they won't let you, instead they move closer to you. Your mind is blank, cannot even alert you to the danger you are in, all it knows is you have to keep walking.

"Hey, hey no need to leave," the leader puts his hand on your arm and he looks into your eyes and he sees the vulnerability there, sees that your mind has gone, knows that no-one cares about you. You are theirs now.

"Hey man. Let's just take her to the site, c'mon, its fuckin' cold," one of the men says. They like the look of this; the evening had started out boring but now, now they have entertainment and a long night ahead of them.

The leader looks back at you, a terrible smile on his face. "What d'you say __Saarrah__? Fancy warming us up a bit?" He draws his finger across your lips. "Pretty mouth, pretty lady," and he feels himself begin to harden despite the cold.

The group look around. There's no-one about, no one to see, no cameras in this part of town, nothing. It will be as though you have disappeared of the face of the earth.

The leader takes you by the arm, the group massing around you and starts to make you walk. You stumble and fall to your knees, your feet are so cold they don't work, your tights snag and you graze your skin on the pavement. He drags you up by the arm as the men start to work out in what order they will take you once their leader has finished with you.

"Nice ass," one jeers and the others start to boast to each other what they are going to do. Your mind is still blank. You don't know who you are any more, who they are. They tell you to get up and you do.

Bucky said you were broken, and you are. Completely.

 _ _It took valuable time to sort out the police when they arrived. They had received a phone call to say men with guns were in the diner but__ __thankfully they recognised who Steve was__ __. The owner explains it was all a terrible mistake. A call to their supervisor releases them from going any further.__

 _ _The premises have been searched; there is no sign of Freya. Honey has contacted her landlady, but there is no sign of her there either.__

 _ _Steve phones Tony and they put Jarvis to work on all the local CCTV and they pick up her trail through those. It is spotty and troubling; she is heading for the wrong part of town. They decide not to involve the police. Bucky and Steve will handle it between them.__

 _ _They start to drive the route, looking out for her, looking out for the pink waitress uniform but they do not see it. There is hardly anyone on the streets, she can't have vanished. It is getting darker, Bucky is frantic; he knows what the cold will do to her, she has no coat, no gloves, no money. They stop and ask a group of lads if they have seen her. They are drunk and out for a good time but they point in the direction beyond the shops, yeah they saw her, about half an hour ago.__

The group get to the building site. By now the leader is dragging you, not because you don't want to go - you have no thoughts of your own, but because you are so cold that nothing works and you keep stumbling. They take one more look around and then move part of the fencing panels. They know there is no security; the site went bankrupt months ago before anything could be built. It is now just a collection of half finished walls and graves already dug as the leader likes to think of it. It is their playground. Even the homeless don't go there.

The leader is already picturing you on your hands and knees, his cock in your mouth, whilst someone else fucks you up the arse; how lucky have they been to find you. And after they have passed you around, well then the evening can start again. Oh man, if he doesn't get to fuck you soon he is going to come right there and then. Then when they have finally finished with you, he can watch you die slowly, his hands around your throat whilst he takes one last fuck. It wouldn't be the first time and it certainly won't be the last. Your grave already waits for you.

" _ _Over there!" Bucky shouts as he sees the last of the group go through the fence, he wouldn't have seen anything if the man hadn't got his jeans caught on the post.__

" _ _It could be nothing," Steve says as he steers the car in slowly so as not to alert anyone that they are there.__

 _ _By the time they find the group, a fire has been lit and boards placed down on the ground and butted up against one of the unfinished walls. They have her stood in the middle and one of them has a bottle that they are passing around. For a minute Bucky has a deja a vu moment; he doesn't know he is remembering the time when the group of soldiers had him at the field camp before they used him for target practice. The anger in him is so great that he will kill these men and tear them apart. He is not just Bucky, he is the Winter Soldier - and Freya Bowman belongs to him.__

 _ _The leader is stood in front of her. He leans forward and with a knife begins to cut her uniform away. She can barely stay still, she is barely conscious, she needs to leave and she tries to move away.__

" _ _No, no Sarah, you can't go yet," he says drawing her uniform down over her shoulders. He is startled by the scar at the top of her arm: someone has carved a large red star into her skin. He runs his fingers over it and she shivers. The men around him have gone quiet as they watch. They sense nothing but what they are going to see, they do not realise two men are circling them. If it was the Soldier on his own they would all die, every single one of them.__

The leader has his hand buried in your hair, his other hand is up your dress where he is searching for the waist band of your tights, your flesh here is warm and he is so close to finding you. He is kissing your throat. His cock is hard and rubs against you, you feel none of this but there are tears running down your cheeks, there is snow caught in your wet hair and the leader likes the smell of you.

Suddenly he feels pain in between his legs, burning sharp pain and he pulls away letting go of you and staggers back. Soaking through his jeans is blood, a lot of blood, and he can see the tip of a knife as it is withdrawn. A cold voice whispers in his ear.

"She belongs to me. She's mine."

He falls to his knees, his penis and balls totally severed and only being held in place by his jeans. A hand grabs his hair, pulls back and is about to cut his throat when a voice stops the Soldier. He sees the vulnerable woman sink to her knees, head down, eyes empty.

"Buck no! You can't kill them...Buck, listen to me. Listen!" Steve tries to keep his voice calm.

He doesn't know what to do; the look in Bucky's eyes is cold, frightening. He isn't even considering letting anyone live.

"We need to take Freya and go." He uses Freya as the excuse, that may get through to him. He sees the knife break the man's skin on his throat. "Buck!"

The Soldier releases the man who falls sideways groaning and clutching his crotch - he will not live beyond another hour, if that long.

Steve looks at the other men. Some look as though they are still boys. They have knives out in their hands but their eyes tell a different story. They know they are outnumbered with just Steve and Bucky. They are brave enough to rape and watch their leader kill a young woman, but fighting these two men - especially the dark haired one is out of their pathetic remit.

"Get him and go before I change my mind," Steve's voice is an angry growl and two of the men take hold of their leader and drag him away.

Steve and Bucky are left alone with Freya.

 _ _His hands are covered in blood and as he crouches down in front of Freya, he wipes them on his jeans and then takes her face in his hands and raises it. Her eyes are dead but she is crying. She looks at him and sees nothing.__

" _ _Freya," he says quietly as Steve crouches down next to him. He has notified Tony that they have found her and will bring her back to Stark Tower. He knows there is no way Bucky will allow him to take her anywhere but there. Later he will tell Tony how the Soldier was going to slaughter the man, and Tony is hard on him. "Well when you keep a Rottweiler for a pet then you have to learn to expect these things. What did you think he was going to do? Thank him and shake his hand?"__

 _ _Bucky pulls Freya up against him, dressing her in the jacket he had on to try and warm her up, it is lucky he had it; he had come out that morning without one. In the car, when Steve had suddenly realised Bucky had no jacket on, and knew his metal arm with its red star would cause too much distraction he had grabbed his jacket off the back seat and made him put it on and then handed him a pair of gloves. Bucky had been so distracted that he hadn't even thought of hiding what he was. They had a lead on her, a diner down town, they just needed to find which one. It wasn't much but they needed to find her. He needed to find her.__

 _ _She sees Steve and that is what jolts her. "I can't be here. I can't be here. I need to leave." She tries to push him away but Bucky stops her and she looks at Steve. "James doesn't want me. I can't be here, I have to go but I don't know where."__

 _ _She is lost, so lost and Steve doesn't know what to say.__

 _ _Bucky draws her back into his arms."Ssh, ssh it's all right. Freya, it's all right. I do want you, of course I want you," he looks at her, unshed tears in his eyes, the anger of the Winter Soldier gone. He pushes back her bangs."Your hair, what have you done to your beautiful hair?" he asks kissing her forehead.__

 _ _She sobs and clings to him. "Don't tell my mother, don't tell her I cut it." He doesn't know why she has said that but she is begging. "I won't, I promise, she won't know." He tightens his arms around her and holds her while she cries. They lead her to the car. She can hardly walk and stumbles until Bucky picks her up and carries her; she is no weight at all.__

 _ _Bucky turns to Steve and he is shocked by the look on Bucky's face, the bottomless eyes. Bucky places her down whilst Steve opens the back door of the car. Bucky climbs in the back and Steve encourages her to get in next to Bucky and he pulls her into his arms, her head down to rest on his shoulder. He hears Steve open the boot and then he is back with a blanket for him to wrap around her.__

 _ _Steve climbs in the front and drives both broken people back to Stark Tower.__

 **...**

 _ _"Don't touch her," Bucky's voice is cold and he will brook no argument. Pepper has met them at the back door but when she stepped forward to help Freya, Bucky was there between them.__ __Freya is able to walk and does so but with Bucky's arm around her. She keeps looking to him for guidance and the look is one of disbelief, as if she cannot believe he is really there holding her.__ __Steve shakes his head at Pepper when she looks at him, mouthing 'don't', and she puts her hand down, nods her understanding.__

 _ _"I've made up her room," she says instead, holding the door open and summoning the elevator.__

 _ _"She'll stay with me," Bucky says and when they get out of the lift he leads her to his room and not hers.__

 _ _Pepper wants to argue, but this is what caused the problem in the first place. She and Nat had genuinely believed what they had advised Bucky and Steve was right, but now? Now they realise they do not know Freya at all, they do not know or understand the circumstances of her life. "I'll fetch some clothes," she says and Steve thanks her.__

 _ _He goes into Bucky's room. Freya is sat on the edge of the bed and Bucky has removed the blanket and the jacket, she has on underwear and he is seeing if there is any injuries. Her knees and legs are scraped and she is bruised and scratched. Her eyes are wide and her lips mumbling something but he can hear Bucky answering her. "No. I'm not going to let you go ever again," but the tone of his voice is soft, gentle and she begins to cry.__

 _ _There is a knock on the door and Steve finds Pepper with clothes. He thanks her and then steps out of the door for a moment to speak with her. "He won't hurt her," he says, because he knows that is what Pepper is most afraid of. She hesitates for a moment and then nods and leaves after making Steve promise he will let her know if they need anything for her.__

 _ _Steve goes back into the room and over to Bucky. "Do we need to call Ales in?"__

 _ _Bucky shakes his head. Steve puts the clothes down on the bed and then hovers as Bucky talks quietly to Freya. "No, you're going to stay here...don't worry...no I haven't...I promise."__

 _ _Steve says: "I've put the clothes over there, is there anything else..."__

" _ _No, we'll be fine." Then they both turn as they hear Freya ask something, she looks up at Bucky and he crouches down. "No I haven't, I promise...I won't tell her."__

 _ _He looks back up at Steve who has a query on his face. "She's worried I'll tell her mother that she's cut her hair," he says and Steve realises there is a whole past there that he knows nothing about.__

" _ _We thought we were doing the right thing," Steve says and Bucky nods.__

" _ _So did Zola," he says and then turns back to Freya. "Come on. We need to get you cleaned up and into warm clothes," he has his arm around her and gets her to stand. Steve can see she is shivering.__

 _ _Steve looks around lost. He is not needed here, there is nothing he can do for them now. "I'll...I'll phone Honey and let her know Freya is safe, and then tomorrow I'll go and pick her things up. Shall I get some hot drinks and food?"__

 _ _Bucky looks at him and he can see anger in his eyes that Bucky is trying to control.__

 _ _Steve indicates the bedside table. "I'll put them on the table." Steve looks at the two broken people. "Buck, I'm sorry," Steve says simply.__

 _ _Bucky does not answer, just leads Freya into the bathroom and closes the door behind them.__

You are so cold and you cannot stop shaking. You are in a bathroom and the Soldier is there with you, but you don't know why. You are just in your underwear and it is soaked through, your skin is blue and your hair sodden. He starts the shower and then takes off his own clothes so he is just in his shorts. He comes over and you watch him, eyes wide and frightened.

What do you do? Your teeth chatter and he brushes the wet hair back from your face and kisses your forehead then he moves you into the shower with him. The water is gloriously warm and soothing. He takes up the sponge and soap and starts to clean you.

 _ _He remembers a situation very much like this one. One where he had overstepped the mark and nearly destroyed her mind. He is not sure if he hasn't succeeded this time. She doesn't seem to know where she is, or what to do. She is watching his every move, does exactly what he tells her to. He washes her body gently, then her arms and her legs, her feet, stands up and then he stops, looks down into her eyes, drops the sponge and he wraps his arms around her and weeps into her neck. Her arms come around him and she holds him.__

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he is saying but you don't know why. The water rains downs on both of you and its warmth is welcoming. You listen to his sobs and tell him it is all right, that everything is all right.

It must be because, you remember that he has Steve now.

Your mind is starting to get a hold of itself. You were away for a time, working in a diner and they came to find you. Why you don't know, that you still need to remember. You are a little unhinged but you mustn't let him know that, he has enough to worry about. __'I'm going to be late for my shift,'__ you think and you don't realise you have said it out loud. Bucky loosens his grip, moves slightly away so he can look at you.

He sees the confusion in your eyes and thinks that __sleep is what she needs__. "You don't have to worry about your shift, it's your day off," he says and kisses your forehead again. He smiles at you and then turns and grabs a bottle of shampoo, tells you to turn around and you do and then he washes your hair and rinses it. The feel of his hands on your body is so welcome, you have missed him so much.

After he had towel-dried you both off he leads you into the next room and puts a nightdress on you. You can smell food and on the table is mugs of soup and bread which you both eat and drink.

 _ _Whilst they both eat he is aware of her watching him, taking his lead on what to do. By the time they finish she is so tired she is almost falling asleep so he gets her into bed where she curls up in a small ball. He knows it is because she thinks he is going to leave her alone. Instead he climbs in beside her.__

" _ _Freya," he says gently and she opens her eyes. She is so sleepy. She puts her hand out and touches his face, his lips.__

" _ _I could almost believe you are here," she mumbles. He takes her hand and kisses it, then reaches over and pulls her close.__

" _ _I am here," he says and feels her snuggle up as close as she can. He so badly wants to make love to her but he knows he would be taking advantage of her; she is so vulnerable at the moment. He will wait until she is strong again, he will wait for her to say she needs him. And when she does he knows he will finally be home.__

You know it is a dream. He cannot be here with you, you cannot smell him, you cannot feel his warmth, feel his heart beating. It must be a dream which for now you are happy to be in.

You will worry about tomorrow in the morning.

 **...**

Poor Steve, you feel sorry for him, pulled between the man he loves and the woman who could be a problem. It's obvious that he does not know what to say. When you were here previously you had studied him, watched him when he didn't know you were and you had found nothing wrong, nothing at all. He is kind, generous, good of heart and he loves Bucky. Loves him so much it hurts you.

They belong together.

You could see what it was in Steve that attracted Bucky, Steve is a rare person, not a saint but a good man and you are not going to spoil this for him. He has become a friend despite you not wanting him to. You know now you had wanted to keep him at a distance so you had someone to blame for losing James, but you can't. You genuinely like and have grown to care for him.

You believe you are stronger now than you were before when you left. If only they hadn't found you again you would have slowly adjusted and by now this might all be over. You would be dead. Bucky and Steve would not know, they would have thought you had gone off to be happy somewhere else with someone else. You don't realise how well Bucky knows you, how well Steve is learning to know you. You are part of both of them now.

The first night and day back at the tower is still a confused mess in your mind. You just know that the next morning you awoke and James was besides you in the bed. You wanted to reach out and touch him, you wanted him to make love to you but he didn't. You remember Steve and Pepper telling you that they are glad you are back. It must be for a visit you think. Your mind is still delicate, still trying to figure out your place in the world. You know your previous plan was a good one. Now you feel better you must stick to it.

Two weeks later Steve asks to talk to you. Bucky is out with Sam. Bucky has slept with you some of the nights you have been here but he has not touched you, has not made love to you. When you talk about getting back to work he just smiles and promises you it is too early. You and he will talk about it when you are better but you still have a way to go. But here you are, at the point again where one of them is going to have a word with you, remind you, you need to go and this time it is Steve's turn.

 _ _What does he say to her?__

 _ _He is the one who set up this meeting, the one who made sure Bucky was out of the way so they could talk, just the two of them and now she is here, sat opposite him at the table, waiting for him to speak. He doesn't know how to start, how to say what he needs to, how to say it right. "I thought we should talk...about Bucky, I mean James..." He is flustered, "I don't even know what to call him these days...especially with you...I mean...there isn't anything wrong with calling him James, it's his name but..."__

You put your hand on top of his and smile. Your heart goes out to him, you don't know what to call James either. Should you call him Bucky, which he does seem to prefer, or James? You just don't know.

"Bucky. Lets call him Bucky," you say and smile again. In your mind you are so impressed with yourself, __I'm coping with this__ you think to yourself.

 _ _He can't help it but his face flushes, it is rare to him to hear her say that name and he feels it has cost her.__

"Look Steve, can we be honest..." you look straight into those blue eyes - blue but not the same as James, his are deep and dark, the colour of a storm brewing. Steve's are light, the colour of the sky, the colour of pure honesty. "I know what you are going to say," you pat his hand and take yours away.

You have to convince him everything is all right. You know they want you to leave now that you are well, and you __are__ well. If you stay around James any longer you will break and this time they won't be able to put you back together again. With you gone there will be no guilty looks when you see them together, no more nights where James is split between spending them with you or with Steve.

You can give them your blessing and go.

You haven't been idle these last few weeks and thank God for the internet. You have it all planned. You will keep in touch so they know you will be there for the trial if one does present itself. Then afterwards you will tell them you have met a wonderful man and you are getting married, tell them how you are going to move back to England with him but will change your name to stop the journalists from forever pestering you. Oh, and ask them very nicely, if they mind if you don't keep in touch as you don't want to be reminded of your previous life.

And then you can die.

You even have that worked out. It took a long time to think of a way to get rid of a body without it ever coming to light. You have decided on the only option that seemed to not have any repercussions and for that you can thank a film you watched late one night when you could not sleep. There are still a few iron foundries open around America and no one would know if someone sneaked in one night and lowered themselves into the molten steel. It even burns off the impurities and that thought made you laugh because that is what you are. An impurity.

You don't realise you have gone a little mad. A little crazy. You think you are all right, but you are not.

Steve looks taken aback. "So Bucky has talked to you about it already then?" he asks. __Concentrate Freya, concentrate on what Steve is saying.__

Your smile falters a little bit and he frowns so you plaster it back on. "No, Jame..Bucky hasn't said anything. Come on Steve you know what he's like, probably thinks I'll go a little nuts, its just I know what you are going to say that's all..." Then you continue, you have been practising the lines since Steve asked you if you could spare time to have a quiet talk next time James is out. "I can't stay. That is what you want to tell me but you see I know that already. I'll be okay this time I promise. I'm a lot stronger, it was just the shock of seeing you both that day but this time you won't need to come after me. Pepper is going to help find me a job out of state, and an apartment and then I can settle down. I'll still give any evidence that might be needed if Bucky does go to trial so perhaps you'll still let me know how he is from time to time. Just one of those e-mail thingies, I won't need to see him I promise."

Your hands are under the table now, clenched, the nails have made marks on the palm of your hands.

 _ _Whoa, hang on a minute, this isn't what he was expecting to hear, this isn't what he was going to say.__

 _ _Steve is still learning to read people, especially Freya and he doesn't like the brightness of her eyes, the way the speech sounds rehearsed. He is bad at lying but Freya is impossible. What is going through that mind of hers to make her think that is what he was going to say?__

 _ _She goes to get up but he grabs her arm and sits her back down. "Do you realise you have known James longer than I have?" he asks and sees her smile falter again.__

" _ _We..." her voice has gone so she coughs a little and tries again. "We were in cryo freeze for quite a long time so I don't think it works out that way," she smiles but her eyes are wide and although her hands are hidden under the table he can see she is trembling.__

 _ _Steve smiles, all the while trying to think of how to play this. Things are not all right and he should never have tried to do it this way. He should have had Bucky here.__

 _ _Dammit.__

" _ _He is something though, isn't he," he says delaying.__

 _ _She nods.__

You realise he suspects something so you sit up. You bring your hands up back onto the table and cup one in the other, be calm, be cool. "I really have got a lot to do this afternoon, Steve, if you don't mind..."

"Like what?" he asks, leaning back and away from you. You think he is relaxed, in control.

"Oh you know...girl things..." You want to get up and walk away but you can't because you know your legs won't carry you. __Deep breath, a few more minutes__ and you will be fine again.

He is watching you and you hate silences; they make you talk, makes you say things you shouldn't. "It's nice to see him laugh...the most I ever saw was a rare smile," you say and your eyes fill. __How random was that thought?__

Silence.

Your sentence makes him feel sick, he knows now what you are doing, you are trying to protect James again. He thinks you think this is what Bucky wants. He doesn't.

"Freya, why did you think I was going to ask you to leave?" he asks quietly.

Your hands flatten out on the table but not before he sees the marks on your palms. You look down and start to pick at something on the table top, something has got stuck and you start to try to scratch it off using your nail.

Your mind is scrabbling. "Because James asked you to because he can't ask me to again."

" _ _Oh God I've really messed this up," he says and sitting up grabs her hands before she can move them.__

 _ _He turns them over and without thinking runs his thumbs gently over the angry red marks.__

 _ _He looks at her. "That isn't what I was going to say. We don't want you to leave, we want you to stay...both of us want you to stay."__

 _ _She blinks, several unshed tears are freed and run down her cheeks, she begins to tremble.__

" _ _Bucky needs both of us. If either of us leave him he will...he will..." and now his eyes fill with tears.__

" _ _Freya, I'm frightened for him, I don't know how to deal with him as the Winter Soldier, you do...I only know how to deal with him when he's Bucky. He__ needs _ _both of us, he__ needs _ _his Constant."__

His eyes look into yours and there is nothing but the truth in them. "Help me save him. Please."

And it is those words of his that undo you.


	90. Chapter 90 - Together

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended. This chapter has strong sexual content.**

 ** **Chapter Ninety:**** ** **The Soldier & Freya****

 **Bucky & Steve**

 **Together**

How do you convince James that if he makes love to you, you will not break?

Since they have brought you back and looked after you, James has alternated his nights between you and Steve. He has been there, warm and loving, cuddled you to him, told you everything was going to be all right, but when you have tried to take it further he has stopped you. He says you are not ready yet, to do that he would be taking advantage of you, but deep down you know the real reason.

He saves himself for Steve.

Have you have lost that side of him completely?

 **...**

 _ _Bucky closes his eyes to sleep, and the Soldier opens his to wake. Of course he always knows what is going on, always vigilant, but he likes to lull Bucky into a false sense of security. Especially this new Bucky; he is dangerous, and he may be the only one to kibosh the Soldier's plan.__

 _ _The Soldier has gone a little crazy.__

 _ _Or should we say a little insane? There has been something eating away at him since Freya came back and it is all that fills his mind; and so he plots, schemes and does not think of the consequences. That damned photograph they showed him. It eats away at his mind, his body, his very sanity.__

 _ _The room is dark but he knows where he is. She is in bed beside him sleeping. He switches on the lamp and she stirs but he tells her to sleep before padding to the bathroom. When he comes back he stands next to the bed looking down at her. She is curled facing where he had been sleeping. Her hand is laid out to where his warm body was, her hair comes down past her shoulders and fans out across the pillow. He gently reaches over and moves it away from her face. He moves back the covers, so gently she doesn't feel it and he gazes at her body. She has on a nightdress, short, lightweight because in Stark Tower the temperature is always ambient.__

 _ _He follows the shape of her body with his eyes, can see the darkness of her nipples through the material, down to her long legs. How he wants to slip between her thighs. He knows what he wants and he is determined to get it but he knows he has to be crafty. This is the Soldier after all. For the last few days he has been touching her, kissing her, making her wet and then pulling back, telling her she is not ready, that he would be taking advantage of her. Frustrating her. He knows it is working because he can see it in her eyes, her desperation for him. He has been doing the same with Steve.__

 _ _His own body feels as if there is an electric current running through it. He is so hard that it hurts and his balls ache. He smiles that thin lipped smile and gets back into bed. Leaves the lamp on.__

You are quite a light sleeper and you feel as James gets back into bed beside you. The light is on and you move to snuggle up against him but instead of taking you in his arms, you feel his left hand on your shoulder, it is a firm grip enough to break your sleep. You open your eyes and find that he is watching you, looking at you and the need in his eyes makes your stomach turn. You know how he feels because you need him so badly your own feelings have been strung out for the last few days.

You go to speak but instead he shakes his head. His hand pushes down on your shoulder so you are now lying on your back and his lips kiss yours, gently at first and then more needing until his tongue is in your mouth and his kiss is deep and searching. You respond. Oh God, do you respond.

His hand leaves your shoulder and traces down to the hem of your nightdress and slips under it, for the first time in so long you feel the cool metal on your thigh and you want to weep, you want to do so much.

He breaks the kiss and looks at you.

"Please..." you say and you know he knows what you are asking and then you see it, that look, that smile. The Winter Soldier's smile. Your heart starts to hammer, your breathing quickens and fear runs down your spine but your mind and body betray you. They welcome him – __you__ welcome him. You move so he can remove your nightdress and you kick off your pants. He is already naked and as he moves against you to kiss you, you feel his hard cock pressing into the flesh of your belly. He knows where to touch you, he knows where to kiss and suck until you are so desperate you are nearly crying. And finally when he enters you, you wrap your legs around him, your hands running over his body, and you kiss him as if he was your last breath.

"I've missed you," he whispers and you moan your response.

"Oh God James. Please. Don't stop."

But he does for a moment, his hands still travel over your body, still make you shudder. He doesn't want to break his hold over you. "Look at me." And you know to obey him. You open your eyes and look into his and you can see a desperate need in them for you.

"Don't stop, please don't!" you beg and you do not care, you would do anything to keep him here with you, keep him here inside of you. He begins to move again and you arch into him. "Deeper," your voice showing your need.

"I don't want to hurt you," he whispers. Oh, but he knows how to play you.

And then you reply with the words he has been waiting for. "Hurt me...I don't care, just don't ..." and you cry out and your legs tighten. You can feel him so very deep inside you, your body feels like it is on fire, as if you are teetering on the edge of insanity.

 _ _And he feels it too. It is taking so much willpower not to finish, not to let himself come, not to watch her come.__

 _ _Freya," he whispers and she moans. "Freya, look at me," and she does. Her eyes are liquid. She is totally his.__

" _ _Would you do anything for me?" he asks, already knowing the answer.__

" _ _Yes," she says, biting her lip and closing her eyes, her body arching into his. Jesus, he can feel the sweat dripping off his forehead, his hair is damp and he feels as if he is about to explode.__

" _ _Look at me, Freya, look at me," he has done this to her before. Brought her to the brink, to her most vulnerable state which is how he knows this will work.__

You try and concentrate on what he is saying. You would agree to anything he asked. He carries on moving, long strokes inside you, driving your body to the edge. You bite your lip again, look into his eyes.

"I need you to do something for me. Will you do that?" he asks and you nod.

"Anything."

 _ _Her voice is husky, desperate. Her eyes go to close and he feels her shudder. "No. No Freya, concentrate or I'll stop," he says and slows his movement and she mewls. It is a threat he couldn't carry out; he has wanted her for too long.__

"Steve," he says and that makes you open your eyes again. "Steve wants us to sleep with him, wants us to both make love to you. Will you do that? Will you let us?"

You feel yourself blink but then a wave hits you and you arch up into him and your hands scrabble at his back, trying to drive him as deep as you can.

"Freya will you do that for me...for __him__?" and you nod. You feel like shouting at him: __I would sleep with the whole of mankind if you would just hurry up and fuck me now__. You feel abandoned, desperate. "Yes, yes," you say and see he is pleased with your promise and he begins moving again and you lose yourself to him again.

 _ _And in his mind, he sees it, that photograph. He knows now that it wasn't her but the picture he holds in his mind is. Freya and Steve, her, him and Steve. He is deep inside her and so is Steve and he wants it to happen so badly, it is a picture he cannot let go off. It is a picture – a thought - he will__ not __let go of.__

Afterwards you feel sore but free as if every worry you carried has cast itself off from your shoulders, as if you have a little part of your James back. Fulfilled. You are sleepy but before you fall asleep he reminds you of your promise. You snuggle up.

"Do you remember what you promised?" he asks you quietly.

A small flutter in your stomach as you think back. You have promised him you will sleep with Steve, another small flutter.

"With both of us," he whispers and you nod.

"With both of you," you reply.

 **...**

 _ _Steve is not so easily swayed. The Soldier makes sure that he thinks it is Bucky. Gets him to where he thinks he is most vulnerable, but then Steve actually stops in the middle of their love making and tries to move away.__

" _ _You want me to what?" his voice a virtual yelp. He has to be more__ honest _ _with Steve, more manipulative. They are on the bed, half dressed, clothes thrown down around them and Steve is flushed, was so close to..."You want me to what?" He looks at Bucky and Bucky seems so earnest. He is knelt on the bed and puts a hand out to Steve as if asking him to understand.__

" _ _I know, I know, I told her you would probably say no, so forget it," he looks at Steve and then away sheepishly. Bites his lip.__

 _ _Steve moves away and sits with his back up against the headboard. He runs his hand through his hair. It had been a while since Bucky and he had made love and he was feeling desperate, he does not know that the Soldier has been winding him up, getting him to a point where he would agree to anything. Not knowing that he had been doing the same to Freya.__

" _ _Look Buck I know what you're saying..." but Bucky cuts across him, a look of pain on his face as if he understands but is caught between a rock and a hard place. He seems to deflate and Steve's heart goes out to him; he knows how Bucky is trying to desperately juggle between the two of them.__

 _ _Bucky sits back dejectedly. "Steve, you don't know what they did to her, what__ I __did to her. She's damaged, so damaged," and then he looks back at Steve, his voice drops as if he is worried someone will overhear them. "She...she needs pain to..." he moves closer, not letting his eyes drop from Steve's and he sees Steve's eyes widen "...she needs pain to...enjoy sex. It's so difficult sometimes. She asked me if you would...well, you know...if we would both...at the same time."__

 _ _Steve lets his breath out and looks away down at the bed clothes "Buck, I've never done anything like that. I've never hurt a woman before..."__

" _ _It won't really hurt her. She just wants to try it. She's only ever slept with me before, no one else. You know I hurt her badly. They used that ticking clock thing I told you about, made me think she was a whore until I remembered who she was. She got used to that and I guess...it's played on her mind you see, wormed its way into her conscious thoughts, made her yearn for..." He moves back, looks away."I didn't think you would say yes," and there is an accusatory note in his voice, one that makes Steve swallow. Bucky has asked him for nothing since he came back and now the first time he does, Steve says no.__

 _ _Steve moves forward. He hates to admit it but although the idea was shocking at first it has made him feel...excited? Nervous? And that worries him. What does that say about him? He knows the few times he has acted forcefully with Bucky, when the Soldier is awake, it had made him feel so hard, so...jesus he realises, he is actually considering doing it.__

 _ _Bucky turns away completely and goes to get off the bed but Steve comes forward, grabs his arm, stops him. "You shocked me is all..." Steve says and then tries to smile, that shy smile of his when he is embarrassed about something. "I never even knew it could be done, you know?" His eyes are so very clear and blue. So innocent. Bucky comes forward again, runs the back of his fingers down Steve's cheek, then bends forward and kisses him, his tongue exploring Steve's mouth, his hand exploring Steve's crotch until Steve is moaning and grabbing at Bucky to pull him back onto the bed.__

 _ _It is so very unfortunate that he hadn't seen the thin lipped winning smile on the Soldier's face.__

 **...**

Fate hands you a blinder. James... _ _Bucky,__ wants you and Steve and he wants __you__ to want Steve. How? How do you do this? Steve has already told you they do not want you to go, that they want you to share their life with them. James, sorry __Bucky__ , needs both of you.

And now he is asking for both of you.

He has asked you if you have thought about what you had promised. And you have: it is nerve racking. You said Steve may not want you, that maybe he is trying to put Bucky's mind at rest? But Bucky assures you, they are both ready. Are you?

Tonight is the night they want you to spend with them. The decision is yours and yours alone. You have agreed to this but you are so nervous. What if you let Steve down? What if he doesn't like you in that way? What if...?

You knock on Steve's door. He opens it and you can see how nervous he is and that calms you, he is far more apprehensive than you are but that is because you don't know what the Winter Soldier has in mind yet. Steve does - because he believes it is what __you__ want, that it is your idea. If you knew, you would be more than nervous. If you knew, you may have stayed in your room.

"Hey Freya, come on in," Steve says, ever the gentleman, but you can hear the nervousness in his voice.

You smile and walk into the room. Bucky is already there sat on the sofa but as soon as you come in he jumps up. The lights are low and there is music in the background, you do not recognise it but you know Steve always plays the music from the forties. You guess it is from there. It has that timeless quality to it.

You are feeling a little worried now. You only have your dressing gown on - nothing underneath - but they are dressed in trousers and tee shirts. Will Steve think you are a slut? He looks so jittery, so much more nervous than you feel.

Steve invites you to sit on the sofa and you do whilst Bucky brings over wine. You shake your head no, you have never drank wine and you don't know how it would affect you. But this is Bucky, he tells you it will taste like champagne, gives you that smile and he doesn't take no for an answer and pours you a glass: sits next to you and holds it up for you to sip. You try a little bit but you weren't expecting it to be bubbly and it makes you sneeze which makes him laugh. Steve sits in the chair next to the sofa frowning. He thinks he has hidden his expression but it shows. He clearly doesn't approve of Bucky giving you the wine. You wonder if he does not enjoy drinking.

 _ _Has she really agreed to this? Steve watches her. Why is Buck plying her with wine if it was her idea? He knows she has a small amount of serum in her blood but no where near enough to dampen the affects of wine. When she isn't looking he frowns at Buck and shakes his head but Buck winks and mouths she'll be okay. He trusts Bucky. He shouldn't. Bucky isn't always the one in charge.__

How do things get started? Awkward silences. Awkward, but Bucky seems confident. You all talk for a while and you start to relax. He encourages you to drink the wine and you like the taste wondering why you haven't tried it before, you feel the knots in your shoulders relax. You include Steve in the conversations and you see him start to unwind. As you drink more, things seem to get a lot easier and the evening starts to flow. No more stilted pauses.

The music stops and Bucky gets up to put some more on then he comes over, puts his hand out and pulls you up when you take it. Your nervousness starts again, but he takes you around the waist with one hand and his other hand takes yours and you realise he is gently moving you to the music. You try to smile but he feels you trembling and tightens his grip, you rest your head against his chest and close your eyes. You breathe him in, feel the heat of his body against yours and you let the music enter you, making you relax again.

 _ _I can't do this, Buck, Steve mimes to Bucky. How did he ever get himself into this? Why did he ever agree to this? Because he loves Bucky. That is always the reply. He can't believe Freya wants to try it, without reservations. Does she really know they are both going to sleep with her?__

 _ _He watches as Bucky holds Freya. He feels no jealousy, only panic and his heart is beating so hard in his chest he thinks he is going to pass out. He watches as Bucky's hand slowly moves from her waist to her back and she leans away and Bucky leans down and kisses her lips. Her arms move around him and he watches as she presses her body against his. Bucky is looking at him; with the other hand beckons him over.__

 _ _Steve shakes his head and Bucky closes his eyes and concentrates on Freya. He has missed her so much, missed the taste of her, these last few weeks when he has been next to her in bed all he has wanted is to be inside her, feeling her body, feeling her love, but he has held himself back truly not wanting to take advantage as she was so vulnerable. The other night when she seduced him he was surprised and when she asked him about Steve he was a little shocked - but not with jealousy. He doesn't remember much about the conversation, just came away with the knowledge she wants both of them. Puts it down to nerves. Does not dwell on it.__

He leans away from kissing you and looks at you with those beautiful eyes; you have missed that look so much. Then he leans forward and whispers in your ear, just one word, one name: "Steve." Your heart jumps, you had forgotten he was there. This is what being with James does to you.

You turn and Steve is looking at both of you. He is so shy, such a tall well-built man but the look on his face goes straight to your heart and you reach out your hand so he is forced to come and take it. You move from Bucky's arms to his and reach up bringing his face down to yours and you kiss his lips. It takes a few seconds before he reacts and then you feel him kiss you back. His mouth opens and you gently wrap your tongue around his and you actually hear him groan. The taste of him is so different to James and you realise he has used a mouthwash. Why aren't you surprised?

 _ _Jesus. What if I don't appeal to her? What if...my God. Steve watches as Bucky kisses her and he feels a warm glow deep within when she turns to kiss him, her lips are soft, and he can taste Bucky on them. He feels her tongue and can't help but feel the warmth of her as she presses her body against his and he groans. It has been a long time since he was with a woman and his body is taking over his mind.__

Taking it that you are doing the right thing you slowly push your body against his and you can feel he is aroused. His body is as warm as Bucky's. Then you feel Bucky come up behind you. He reaches around to the front of you and unties the belt fastening your dressing gown.

 _ _Relax Freya just go with it,__ you think. Just think of their hands on you, just think of James. You let go of Steve so that Bucky can pull your dressing gown off and then he holds your waist from behind and pulls you close to his body and you realise he has undressed. His bare skin is against yours and you can feel his erection, hard and pulsing already. His hands move to your breasts and you close your eyes biting your lip as you feel them, so familiar, one flesh, one metal. You have missed him so much.

He kisses your shoulders, along your arm and to your hand where he kisses your palm. Then he turns you around and kisses your lips again, his fingers running over your nipples. He bends to kiss each one, taking each into his mouth until you think you are going to melt. You run your hand through his hair, so soft. He straightens up and looks at you slowly moving you around so you can get on the bed. You have no idea how he got you so close to it.

Steve has undressed and you see that like Bucky his formula has enhanced __everything__. He is slightly taller than Bucky, blond against Bucky's dark, his body is just as powerful and for a moment you panic. __What if.__..then you swallow and realise you are being stupid: if you can take Bucky in you can take Steve.

Bucky has gotten onto the bed and is holding his hand out to you. The bedclothes are pulled back, you have a moment's hesitation but the wine has done its job and lowered your reservations like the Winter Soldier knew it would. You get in beside him. How are they going to do this? All three of you together but who, you wonder, will go first? Bucky or Steve? You assume the other one will watch until it is his turn. But then Bucky is kissing you again and suddenly any apprehension you had melts away, as long as he wants you then you will do whatever he asks.

 _ _You are such a fool.__

You run your hands over his skin, feeling the heat and then down and across his belly. You feel him jerk slightly as he draws in breath and then your hand touches the top of his cock and he groans and pushes himself against you. So familiar to you, so hard with such soft skin covering it. You want to move down and kiss it but then you feel the bed dip slightly and you remember Steve is here and you move back again and come up against his body. Bucky is watching you, watching your reaction, and you know you mustn't let him see anything that might betray you. There is enough room on the bed for all three of you. Tony Stark likes his guests to be comfortable and so all the beds are extra kingsize. __Just as well__ you think - __Steve and Bucky are kingsize.__ For some ridiculous reason that makes you want to giggle but you can't. You need to concentrate.

 _ _Steve watches as she touches Bucky. God, this is really going to happen, she really does want this. He can see she is aroused, he forgets Bucky plying her with wine, he forgets his own nervousness, he reaches out for her.__

Steve reaches around and pulls you to him and you see Bucky smile as he ducks his head to kiss your breasts. Steve's hands hold you whilst he kisses your shoulders, his fingers tracing the star at the top of your arm. You are becoming so aroused you think you might explode. Their hands travel over your body and they can see they have you, you are theirs.

 _ _Both__ of theirs.

You feel Steve take his hands away and Bucky moves you so that you are leaning over him. You were expecting something different because usually he likes to be the one on top. His hands still travel over your body, you bend and kiss his chest, you bite his nipples and he groans again. Steve has moved but you are not keeping track of him. You kiss Bucky's lips and he responds so the kiss is long and deep.

"Take me inside of you," Bucky says quietly.

So, it will be him first whilst Steve watches, you guess.

You have guessed wrong.

You move down so you can do what Bucky has said and you sink down onto his hard cock feeling it slide into you and now it is your turn to groan. For a minute you have to stay still and breathe deep so you don't lose it, you know Bucky is fighting not to come straight away, you can see it by the way he closes his eyes and feel it in his hands gripping your hips.

He looks at you and you can see he wants you badly. His eyes are half shut and his mouth open, his breathing hitches. Then when you go to move he shakes his head and instead moves to hold your arms and pulls you down to him. You move slightly to make sure he doesn't slip out, he kisses your forehead and then your lips then his hands move to your shoulders.

"Are you all right?" he asks quietly. You nod, slightly puzzled by his question. Why wouldn't you be? You smile but then you see him look beyond your shoulder and he nods. His hands grip you harder. You try to turn to look but you can't because he is holding you so tightly. That is when you feel Steve's hands. Bucky pulls you further down, gently.

"Are you sure?" you hear Steve ask Bucky.

Bucky looks back at you, and his eyes are suddenly so dark and full of lust. Then he smiles, thin lipped and triumphant and you realise you have misunderstood what was to happen. "Yes, she's okay," he says looking at you almost daring you to disagree. Your heart jumps, this is not your James. Not Steve's Bucky. This is the Soldier.

"Oh God," you hear Steve whisper and your eyes widen. The Soldier does not break eye contact with you. You feel Steve's fingers on you sliding down to your anus and then gently he inserts them, widening you.

 _ _Oh God,__ you think, _ _not both of them at once, no.__ You shake your head at Bucky - no not Bucky, and his eyes seem to grow darker. You go to say something, to turn but the look in his eyes stops you. He slowly shakes his head. "You promised," he whispers so only you hear him.

You close your eyes. You can feel Steve and you know he is going to be inside you; this is what Bucky wanted, both of them taking you at the same time. You can't move. Bucky has you gripped so tightly, and Steve has no idea you didn't know this was what was going to happen. You know if you called out to Steve he would stop at once. But you can't. You have been under the Winter Soldier's spell for too long. You always obey him.

You open your eyes as Steve starts to push his cock into you, hard and pulsing. He has used some type of lubricant, thank christ, but it is still going to hurt. Both men are so big. In your naivety you realise you didn't even know this was possible.

Bucky is watching Steve, a look of such want on his face that it frightens you. He is watching as Steve pushes his way into you, and then his eyes flick to Steve's face and you can almost see him mirrored in them.

At first it is the pressure that is uncomfortable and then as he moves deeper and you see Bucky's eyes glaze as it starts to hurt you; as he starts to be able to feel Steve's cock. There is just a wall of muscle separating their two cocks inside you and your body has never done this before; it doesn't know how to cope. You don't know how to cope. You feel Steve's full length slide into you, you see the Winter Soldier swallow, the look on his face is one of ecstasy.

"No," you whisper quietly but he hears you; he doesn't look away from Steve but instead buries his hand in your hair and kisses your forehead.

"Sshh, you're all right, everything is all right."

You can feel both men, you can feel them inside you and as Steve starts to move the pain starts to increase. "Help me James...please help me," you say, your voice so quiet, so pleading.

Your breath catches and Bucky looks at you. His eyes are black pools. He can feel you, your whole body, his hands can feel your breasts, your soft skin, his cock in you but he can also feel Steve's rubbing so close as if he it is against his, not much separating them and his body is on fire. There are unshed tears in your eyes and you shake your head and go to speak, he can see the pain in your face, in your eyes and instead he kisses your lips to stop you from saying anything. Then he whispers in your ear. "Sssh, accept it, ride it out, enjoy it."

You close your eyes. The feeling of betrayal choking you even more than the physical pain.

His head falls back, his eyes close, that look of ecstasy still on his face. He bites his lip, his body moving with Steve's and you are trapped between the two. Steve's hands hold your hips and waist, he is keeping as much of his weight off you as he can but even now he is being taken over by the feelings running through his body. You can hear him groan, his breath coming heavy and fast.

Bucky's metal hand is holding onto your shoulder, the grip is tight, if it gets any tighter he will badly bruise the bone. His other hand is buried in your hair, wrapped around, it is still long enough for him to do that. He can feel the texture, the softness and as he comes both hands tighten and his back arches up against you. Steve's hands tighten as he comes too. You can't breathe. He is saying something but you don't know what, your ears are humming and you can feel a warmth spreading through you as both men empty themselves into you. You know you are damaged inside. As the semen tries to find somewhere to go you feel the extra pressure, you feel it stinging where your flesh has been abraded. Your tears run down your face freely now. You can't help it, there is no pleasure at all for you, just pain. As the Winter Soldier said, you must ride it out, wait until they have both finished and then you can escape, get away from them as far as possible.

Steve's grip slackens before Bucky's does. He is panting, he can't see your face as your hair hangs down and hides it, he doesn't know you are hurt, he doesn't know they have just pulled you apart. He gently pulls himself out of you looking at Bucky who nods. __Everything is okay, Steve.__ And he smiles. The smile that Steve loves.

Bucky still hangs on to you his hands moving to take your face in them. He is studying you, that look you know so well, your tears run onto his fingers and he bends forward and licks them off and then he kisses you hard, so hard his teeth scrape against yours. One of his fingers will leave a bruise on your cheek bone. You don't kiss him back, even if you had wanted to you couldn't. The grip he has on you, the way he is kissing you - he is hurting you rather than loving you. That is all the Soldier is capable off.

And now he is reminding you that you are his. You once told him you would do anything for him. You prayed and said you wanted your Winter Soldier back – and someone has answered your prayers. You only have yourself to blame.

You hear Steve in the background as he falls backwards onto the bed. "Jesus." He sounds euphoric.

The Winter Soldier releases you but his hands move to your shoulders, the grip so tight you gasp, his eyes don't leave yours. "I told you she was something," he says to Steve and he smiles at you, that thin lipped smile that makes you feel sick. Makes you feel as if the bottom has fallen out of your world. Then he lifts his metal hand and holds a finger to his lips. "Sshhh." The word so quiet only you and he knows he said it.

Then he lets you go and moves. You wipe at the tears on your face and move off him as carefully as you can because you can feel the pain inside you, you just want to get away from him. As you do he looks back at you - with gentle blue eyes. James. You don't want him to see the wetness on your face and you duck your head and move back before he can touch you. Your voice does not betray you when you speak.

"I just need to...use the bathroom." You nearly fall off the bed and scramble to pick up your dressing gown and then you run to Steve's bathroom praying you can get there in time.

James believed you.

 _ _He turns to Steve who is lying on his back half asleep already. Wow, that was really something else he is thinking but something in the back of his mind tickles as if trying to tell him something. He even thinks that he might have passed out for a few seconds during the sex as some of the memory of it is fuzzy but his body is sated and so obviously is Steve's. He was going to wait for Freya to come back out but he reaches out to Steve who draws him nearer and wraps his hand in Bucky's hair. He feels tired and before he knows it they are both asleep.__

You come back out and the quarters are quiet. The music finished. The glass on the table reminds you of the wine you drank and you can taste it in your mouth and it makes you feel sick. The men are asleep together on the bed in amongst the tangled bedclothes. Bucky is curled up into Steve's side with his head on his chest. Steve's hand is buried in Bucky's hair. They both look so innocent, but you know only one of them is. There is no room for you in that bed even if you had thought there would be. You are his but he isn't yours and you feel an incredible sadness combined with a blinding anger sweep over you.

You let yourself out and make your way back to your own rooms, praying no one sees you. Once in there you shower, scrubbing yourself clean. Twice a bout of pain down below sends you to the floor onto your knees. You can't stop bleeding, it's __feels__ as if you have a heavy period but in the wrong place.

When you have finished you swallow some pain killers, put on a clean nightdress and push your dressing gown into the bin. You will never wear it again. You don't want to even look at it. Bucky has used you, the Winter Soldier still dominant in his mind. Did Bucky even know? Did he just accept it or was he asleep in there whilst the Winter Soldier used you? You don't want to think about it. You don't want to think of him as being the victim in this. The anger building in you at him makes you feel sick.

You make your way to your bed glad for once to be by yourself. You climb in between the cool sheets and curl up into a ball. Your head hurts, your body hurts, how many times have you fallen asleep like this in the last seventy years? You don't know.

Has anything actually changed?

 _ _Yes__ you think, __I have.__ You may love him, you may say you will do anything for him but you know one thing - this is the last time you will __ever__ allow the Soldier to use you in this way. He may still view you as a whore but you now know that you are not and you realise what it is that Nat and Pepper were trying to do for you. You are worth more than this.

 **...**

The next morning you get up early and when you hear a gentle knock at the door you ignore it even when you hear Bucky call out to you. You have locked the door for the first time ever. He assumes you are still sleeping and pads away. You are looking on the laptop for a nearby clinic. You are still bleeding this morning and you feel as if you are underwater. Your ears are still humming. You feel as if an infection is starting and you need antibiotics to kick-start the repair process; the small amount of Zola's serum in your body will then begin to work on you. You can't go to Pepper and ask to see Ales because she will ask you why. You need a walk-in clinic, somewhere people don't know you. You jot down two addresses and grab your bag, careful to look out in the corridor to see if anyone is about. You escape the building without anyone seeing you and you hail a cab on the main road.

The first address is too close and you ask the cab driver to take you to the second. After paying him you enter the clinic and walk straight into a crowd of people. You want to turn around and walk back out but you can't, you need the antibiotics. What you don't realise is you also need to talk to someone about what has happened to you. You need someone who doesn't know your life, your troubles. Just someone to listen to you.

You talk to the receptionist who asks for details, name address, occupation, age.

You tell her your name is Sarah Jacobs. You give an out of town address, then say that you are a waitress and you are here on holiday and you give your age as thirty-two. She raises her eyebrows at that.

"Don't you mean twenty-two honey?" she asks.

Why do people always call you honey?

She is about to ask you what is wrong but something makes her take a good look at you. There is a bruise on your cheekbone, a wide-eyed look in your eyes...one that she has seen before. She softens. "Go and sit yourself down and someone will get to you as quickly as they can."

In your notes she requests a female doctor.

You sit in the crowded waiting room feeling as though you shouldn't be there at all. You try not to look at the people around you but your heart aches for some of them. Several emergencies come in and you feel you should leave. You know you will heal, that there are people here that need the doctors time more than you do but you are so tired you keep telling yourself you will sit here for a few more minutes, until eventually a doctor calls your name. You miss it at first, _ _Sarah Jacobs__ , but then the doctor looks directly at you. You are the only woman left so it must be you.

You jump up and wish you hadn't. She has already turned and gone into her office. You follow.

It is a small room with a cubicle for examinations. The couch in the cubicle has stirrups and your eyes widen. You sit down and she looks at you and your mind goes blank.

 _ _It's been a busy day and this is the last patient she will see today. Her shift began at 7am and she wants to be home by 3pm. She looks at the young woman in front of her and immediately agrees with the receptionist's notes: this woman has been abused in some way. She can't help but sigh. She sees too many of these cases - and not just women either.__

"My name is Doctor Salts. How can I help you?" she asks to open up the conversation. You look at her and try to smile.

"I just need some antibiotics."

"Okay, and why do you think you need antibiotics?"

"A...water infection. Thats all," you smile again and try to look bright.

"I see. It says here you are from out of town?"

"Yes, that's why I can't see my normal doctor, as soon as I get back... _ _home__ I'll see him."

She sits there, just looking at you. You are not good at guessing people's ages and you think she must be in her late forties, early fifties. You have guessed well. She is shorter than you but then most woman are, you would actually say she is almost diminutive but you can see she would be one of those people who is fierce when she is standing up for something she believes in, she has short curly hair in an old fashioned cut. She removes her spectacles and puts them on the table.

"And the truth?" she says.

You swallow. Will you ever be able to lie and have people believe you?

"Okay, if you don't want to tell me, let's have a look at you. Underwear off and up on the bench." She points to the small cubicle. You don't move and she takes in the way you look at the bench. "I need to exam you."

She is pushing you deliberately, trying to get you to talk to her, to confide in her. She has forgotten she wants to get home for 3pm, she has forgotten the world outside the door. The look in your eyes scares her. You need help.

"I'm a nurse, I know whats wrong with me, I just need antibiotics... _ _please,__ " you blurt out panic making you feel trapped. You don't want to get up on the couch, you don't want anyone to touch you.

"It says here you are a waitress."

"I...I've made a mistake, I'm sorry." You go to get up but you can't. You look at the woman and she looks so compassionate, and suddenly out of the blue you miss your mother, you miss your family, you want to be a small child again, a small child with no worries and people who love you... but even that would be impossible. They say you can't miss what you have never had. "It was my fault," you say. The mantra of countless victims who think that.

"Tell me. Let me help you. It's all in confidence I promise."

"I can't stop bleeding...I let...I let..." your mind is scrabbling. __Think like a nurse, diagnose your problem.__ "I let two men have sex with me and now I can't stop bleeding."

"Was it consensual?" she asks.

You nod. It was, you know at any time you could have said stop and Steve would have made sure it did. You're a woman out of time and cannot know that what happened to you was still rape. For a moment you think at how appalled Steve would be if he ever found out the truth. How James would be appalled that he didn't help you when you needed him the most.

"And what did they do?"

You feel your cheeks colour. She is going to think you are such a whore, your decision to think like a nurse falters. You look down, you can't look at her. "They...took me at the same time," your voice has gone very quiet, you can hear a clock ticking in the room and then you don't know why but you blurt out: "I trusted him, I...I didn't think he would hurt me again...but it wasn't him, it wasn't James," and you burst into tears.

Doctor Salts reaches for a box of tissues and hands you some. She lets you cry and then when you start to gain control she phones Reception. You don't hear what she says but a few minutes later there is a knock on the door and the receptionist from before brings in two cups of coffee.

"Drink this and then we can talk."

"But your other patients, I can't stay, I...I just need antibiotics...I can't tell you everything, but my body will heal I know it will it just needs...help to get started."

You end up staying for just over an hour. You tell her what they did, you don't tell her who they were or anything about the Winter Soldier. You let her examine you and she doesn't think just antibiotics will do what is needed on their own, you need stitches but you refuse to go to a hospital.

She wants to ask you about the star shaped scar incised into your thigh; it's as if you have been branded. But she knows at this point she can't. You will bolt.

You are adamant you just want the tablets and in the end she agrees to let you have them. She also writes a prescription for pain killers. They are all the help you will accept from her.

"Sarah..." she looks at you. "What happened to you is abuse, and you need help. There is a centre..." but you are already shaking your head and she sees the fear in your eyes and mistakes it for fear of the men who did this to you. "Please, at least think about it...I'll give you their number, you can talk to someone. You can get away from this." It is an argument she has had with so many men and women before now.

She doesn't know that your situation __is__ different. The truth would blow her mind. All she sees is another person who has suffered abuse at someone else's hands.

Finally she gives in, lets you have the prescription but also gives you the number of the centre. And then she surprises herself. In all her years she has never given her own telephone number to a patient but she does now. "If you can't talk to them come and see me again, talk to me."

You thank her and get up to leave but at the door you feel she deserves some of the truth. "My name isn't Sarah."

"I know."

"It's...Freya."

"Thats a beautiful name. My name is Anita."

You try to smile but you need to escape before you start crying again, before you ask her if you can go home with her, to her normal life, her normal family.

"Thank you," and then you are gone and she is not sure if she will ever see you again.


	91. Chapter 91 - The Truth

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Ninety-One:**** ** **Freya, Steve & Bucky - The Truth****

 _ _Steve is serious. "I think we hurt her Buck."__

" _ _No we didn't. She would have said something." Bucky doesn't understand why Steve is so adamant; this is the third time he has said this. "You're just feeling...well..." he shrugs but Steve isn't going to let him off this lightly. He knows that expression.__

" _ _I didn't realise but she was bleeding."__

 _ _Bucky groans."Steve, women have things called periods..."__

" _ _I know, I'm not that naive," but Steve blushes. "Why didn't she stay afterwards?"__

" _ _Because...because...how do we know she didn't? We were both out of it, you admitted that yourself."__

 _ _Steve looks at Bucky, and he has this terrible sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that something is not right. "Why'd you bring that wine?" he asks.__

 _ _Bucky glances up frowning."I didn't...you did," he says.__

 _ _Steve shakes his head. "What? You brought it with you. I don't even know where you got it from."__

 _ _Bucky's head is hurting. He didn't bring the wine, he knows he didn't, so why is Steve saying he did? He had assumed Steve had gotten it to help Freya relax. Perhaps Steve is too embarrassed to admit it? Or maybe it was a gift from Tony? Anyway why does it matter who brought it along?__

 _ _Steve is quiet and Bucky goes back to the magazine he is reading.__

" _ _I still think we hurt her," Steve says eventually.__

" _ _Okay, okay, fine!" Bucky jumps up. "I'll go and ask her. Will that get you off my back? " He is angry, he doesn't know why, and Steve is taken back as Bucky storms off. He considers chasing after him but doesn't - if they did hurt Freya he feels she wouldn't admit it with him there.__

 _ _Bucky is back two minutes later. Throwing himself down on the sofa, he picks up his magazine. "She isn't there or she's still asleep. I knocked she didn't answer and if she was there she would have, okay? Satisfied now?" he says before going back to what he had been reading.__

 _ _He won't admit it but Steve has him worried. There are parts of last night he cannot fully remember and it is starting to scare him. When he tries to think the pain starts as if something or someone is trying to stop him and then the thought is lost.__

 _ _Steve looks at him for a moment, then stands and grabs his jacket. "I need some fresh air." He is ready to say no if Bucky asks if he wants company but he doesn't. Bucky just stays reading the magazine. This is their first row since Bucky came back. Steve doubts it will be their last.__

 _ _Bucky doesn't see Freya until that evening and even then it is so brief that he doesn't get the chance to ask her if she is all right. She has just come back from going out. He can't help but wonder where she went but he doesn't ask. Instead he asks her if she has a few minutes but she doesn't even look at him.__

" _ _No, I'm really tired Buck. I'm going to bed...g'night," and before he has a chance to say anything else she has gone into her room and he hears her lock the door. He lifts his hand to knock but then hesitates. She did look tired, with black shadows under her eyes. Best to let her rest.__

 _ _On the way back to his room he realises she called him Buck and he can't help but smile. "She called me Buck," he murmurs to himself and then he gets a funny feeling in his chest. He isn't sure if he likes it; she always calls him James, it creates a bond between them. He runs his hand through his hair. Maybe an early night will do him good. A shower first and then sleep. Sounds like a plan.__

 _ _The next morning Steve asks him how Freya is. He shrugs, says he hasn't seen her to talk to. Steve reminds him of his promise and so he makes his way to her room and knocks on the door. She calls from the other side.__

" _ _Who is it?"__

" _ _Me. Um Bucky."__

" _ _I'm just getting in the shower. What do you want?" she is curt, short with him. He has never heard that in her voice before.__

" _ _Um...just wanted to talk."__

" _ _It'll have to wait."__

" _ _Um...okay" he listens but hears nothing further and assumes she has gone off to shower. Slowly, he makes his way to the communal area to get some breakfast. The longer he leaves this the more difficult it is going to be for him to ask her.__

 _ _It is the afternoon before he sees her again and as luck would have it they are alone. She has come to grab some reading books she left on the table and he is there.__

" _ _Hey! Hi!" he jumps up when she appears and she just smiles weakly at him, gathers her books and goes to leave. "Um Freya?"__

You turn to see him standing there barefoot. His hair has fallen over his forehead and you want to brush it back. His arms are folded, his hands in his armpits, looking so innocent, so like James that your heart lurches. Why? Why does he have such a hold over you? You don't want to talk to him.

"Can we talk?" he asks. You say nothing, just stare at him. "Do you want to sit down?" he indicates the sofas, but you just shake your head.

"What is it? I'm busy," you say. He doesn't know how much it is costing you to just stand there and not move to be by his side.

He walks closer to you and for the first time ever you see he is unsure of himself, unsure of __you__. He looks into your eyes and you try to radiate confidence. You hate it when he studies you because you don't know what he is thinking.

He ducks his head. "Um...do you..do you still have periods even though um, they ah..." he coughs "they..."

"Sterilised me?" you finish for him.

"Yes."

You are a startled by the question. "No," you say and he looks back up at you frowning. "No. I don't have periods, why?"

"You bled...I mean, there was blood...Steve thinks...we both wondered...why did you bleed? Did we hurt you?"

You look into those eyes. Those beautiful eyes that you could lose yourself in…but the anger you feel is still there, boiling beneath the surface. "Do you mean physically or mentally?" you ask bluntly.

He blinks. "Either?" he says.

"Both," you say and turn to walk away but he grabs your arm.

"Why didn't you say something?" he asks and there is a slight impatience in his tone.

You look at his hand on your arm and then at him, he takes it away. "I did." And now you turn and walk away. Your anger is simmering, ready to boil over.

He stands there for a moment and then chases after you. "Hang on, wait a minute...no you didn't," his voice is loud and he reaches for your arm again, swinging you around. "When, when did you say?" it's like a challenge.

"Oh I don't know Buck, I think it was when you and Steve were tearing me apart and I asked you to stop..."

"No you didn't..."

"...and you told me it was all right, everything was all right," now there are tears in your eyes and you are so angry that you don't want to cry - you want to hit him, stomp him into the ground. You step up close to him and look him straight in the eye. "I begged you to help me. Don't you remember what you said? __Sssh, accept it, ride it out, enjoy it__...you were tearing me apart, that is __why__ I bled." You are shouting by now spittle lands on his face and he wipes it away.

He has never seen you so angry.

Then a flashback hits him. Your voice, your eyes full of tears, your voice imploring him " _ _...please help me,__ " your voice rings in his ears and he staggers back a few paces. Then it is over.

You know the signs - he is having a flashback and you move to steady him. He looks disorientated and your anger cools for the moment. But instead of accepting your help, he pushes you away and it flares up again.

" _ _You could have...you could have stopped us!" He is angry now himself, she must be lying, it can't have happened that way. "You were up for it, I asked you and you said yes, you said it would be okay."__

" _ _I thought you meant something different. I thought you meant..."__

" _ _What? What did you think I meant? Huh? Once a whore always a whore! Come on you kept me__ serviced _ _all those years and you knew! You know every trick in the book." His voice is cruel, mean.__

You slap him hard, your eyes blazing, and then you throw the books you are holding at him, hard, so they hurt. "You bastard, you utter bastard. I never, never slept with anyone else. I only ever slept with you..." and at this point you poke him in the chest "... _ _you__ taught me everything I know, __you__ made me do what you wanted, __you__ made me feel like a whore, __you__ hurt me, __you__ tore me apart..." and now you are crying and shouting:

"...and it was the __Winter Soldier__ who fucked me the other night...and you let him hurt me again, you!...And tell me __Bucky__ , what do you think it will do to your precious Steve if he ever finds out that I...that I didn't __know__ what you had planned? That you let the Soldier trick me? Trick both of us?"

You finish, out of breath and crying, tears and snot running down your face, your eyes still aflame. You kneel to pick up your books and he kneels to help. "Fuck off." You grab a book from him and stand.

He reaches out to touch your arm.

"Don't touch me!" your voice has an edge of hysteria to it. His hand stops midair and then falls to his side. His eyes search yours, he is close to tears himself.

"Don't you realise how much I need you?" his voice is loud, selfish to your ears.

"What? __Need__ me? __Need__ me, oh yes of course that's what it is, you __need__ me, you don't want to be alone. Well you have Steve back now so you don't _ _need__ me any more..." and then more to yourself, "I've paid my debt to you, we're both free," and with that last sentence your anger dissolves. It's over, it has to be. He _ _doesn't__ need you any more. You are back to square one again.

You expect him to let you walk away but he doesn't. He reaches out again and touches your arm, pulls you closer to him. You try to shake his hand off but he doesn't let you. You drop the books and he pulls you even closer to him and you realise he is crying.

"Don't you understand how much I love you?" he says quietly, his eyes searching yours.

He has never said that to you before. He has never used the word love.

"You've never said... never said..." and you can't speak anymore. You bow your head and sob as he pulls you to him, wraps his arms around you and cries with you.

"I love you," his words are impossible and makes you cry harder. He holds you, not wanting to ever let you go. He kisses your hair, his hands rub your back, he doesn't want to stop touching you, he is afraid if he lets you go you will disappear.

When things begin to calm he moves you away but still holds you, looks into your eyes. "I love you. I never want to lose you. You mean the same to me as Steve does, you're both like...two halves of the same person. I never want to live without either of you, I can't." He is so honest, his eyes so true.

"You've never said that before, never, not once, not in all the time we've been together," you say.

"But I've always loved you."

You shake your head. "You've said how much you needed me, how you remembered me, but you never said you...loved me."

He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't remember everything you have both been through; pieces come back every day but it could take years for him to know all of it. There are things you don't want him to remember. Some memories are still without context, part of a jigsaw puzzle he doesn't think he will ever finish.

"I get black spots," he says so quietly you nearly miss it. You go to speak but what do you say? "I thought they would go away. I thought they were part of...but...Freya I can't remember part of what happened that night...you said...you thought..." he is too scared to say it, to scared to admit what you said might be true.

You say it for him. "The Winter Soldier."

He nods.

Your anger has vanished completely but you need to tell him, you need him to understand something. "James..." he looks up at you. "I can't go on this way, not with...the Soldier hurting me. I can't do it anymore," you say

And he nods. He understands. "I wont let him." His eyes seem to harden, he seems to square his shoulders but you know he is still James, he is still Bucky. "You're right I can't let this carry on. " His touch tightens, not to hurt you but to show he means what he says. "I will sort this. I will get him under control."

You believe him but what do you do now?

Before either of you can say any more you hear Steve calling your names; he is running down the corridor towards you both, a look of such fear on his face that you both feel something awful is about to happen.

He comes up agitated, slightly out of breath, not through running but through fear you realise.

"Down in the lobby. Tony...Tony is holding them off for now...but Buck, they've come with a warrant, they've come to..." he stops, he doesn't want to say it, you see his jaw working, he doesn't want to say the words but he bows his head

"They've come to arrest you. They're going to indict!"


	92. Chapter 92 - Bucky AKA Winter Soldier

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Ninety-Two:**** ** **James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes - AKA The Winter Soldier****

"State your name for the record please." The voice is steady, has asked the same question a million times and will ask it a million more times.

Jeremy Sands nods to James. Bucky clears his throat. "James Buchanan Barnes," he replies.

"James Barnes. You are at this time charged with murder on twenty-seven counts. You are charged with treason on one count. You are charged with kidnapping on six counts. You are charged with..." But Bucky finds it hard to take in what they are saying. The numbers are lower than he knows they should be - but Sands had explained they are only indicting him on crimes they can __prove__ he committed.

"And how do you plead?"

He hesitates and Sands looks up at him, eyes widening. He knows how his client feels and for a moment he thinks Bucky is going to say "guilty" but then he hears the words __not guilty__ and breathes a sigh of relief.

Jeremy Sands is a man of rare values - the Steve Rogers of the legal world. He believes that his client is not guilty and therefore he is determined to make the world realise that Bucky is a victim here as much as the people who were hurt and killed on the assignments he was sent on.

The only problem is it doesn't help when your client believes himself to be guilty.

The afternoon they came for him everyone around him panicked. They talked of getting him out of the country, hiding him, until in the end he held up a hand and told them to stop. He stood there, hand held up as if trying to make a barrier, trying to stop a flood.

"Stop. Just...stop!" Bucky's voice had been angry, tired. Then he repeated it and this time his voice was quieter and they could see the price he was going to be paying. "I need to do this. I am guilty, I did those things. I need to stand trial. I can't run away from this. I can't live like this any more."

And they knew he was right.

Jeremy Sands had won him one more night at home. He was to surrender to his local police station in the morning and he did. He spent one last night with Freya and Steve and then, without telling them, he arranged with Tony and Sands to go with him to the station earlier than planned. Neither Steve nor Freya knew. On the way he had asked Tony to stop at a barbers and he had his hair cut as short as it had been the first day in the army.

He is now the spitting image of James Buchanan Barnes.

By the time Steve and Freya realised what he had done, he was already in police custody. He could not have them go with him, he could not have coped with saying goodbye.

Truth be told, he doesn't believe he will be coming back.

The District Attorney charged him, made arrangements for the arraignment, but there were other conditions Bucky had to agree to. Sands had tried to argue these by citing human rights clauses but this case is not normal, this prisoner is not normal, and there was no precedent to be set, nothing to compare it to. Sands knew they were lucky it was being handled by the District Attorney because the military had wanted to handle the matter behind closed doors. James would have disappeared into some military installation never to be seen again. Maybe this way, he has a chance.

But the District Attorney is going for the death penalty. It was made illegal in New York in 2007 - however, for this case it would be reinstated or punishment would be performed out of state. As they had said, there was no set precedent for a case such as this.

Application for bail is denied. Sands puts in an appeal anyway.

News had leaked straight away. When James had turned up at the police station somehow it was already known he was surrendering that morning. Luckily enough, because they went earlier than expected, there was only a small gathering of press and civilians. Even so he saw the signs. Heard the chanting when they realised he was there.

They had already decided he was guilty. That he should be hung, shot, burnt. The signs people carried were not easy to look at. So much hatred.

They booked him. Took his fingerprints. Took his photograph. Then came the bit he had had to agree to. At first they had wanted to remove his arm. Wanted to dissect him. Leave him crippled. Instead, a more __sane__ plan was put forward. His arm was to be powered down and this is why Tony went with him. They could not remove the power supply but Bucky had already told Tony how to lower the power settings. Then, on the insistence of the prosecutor, the panel for adjustments to be made to the arm was welded shut. No one could power it back up. It now had the strength of his human arm - well, maybe a little less. The extra weight of the metal and circuitry is already making his shoulder ache, but he doesn't say a word.

They also tagged him just in case he should run. __Run? Just where did they think he was going to run to?__ The whole world knew who he was by this time. Other countries and other governments were clamouring to have him extradited to stand trial for crimes he had committed within their own borders. The whole world seemed to be against him. The whole world seemed to hate him.

He surrendered his clothing and put on the orange jumpsuit. They insisted on manacles - not that they called them that, they refer to them simply as cuffs. He can no longer walk, it reduces his step to a shuffle. But still he does not say a word. Does not complain. Just accepts his fate.

He is taken to a prison van. Tony watches him go from a window. Jeremy Sands will return to his office. Tony watches as they attach the manacles to locks standing up proud from the van floor. Four prison guards will travel with him, and each of them has a gun, taser and nightstick. The doors of the van are closed.

"Jesus," Tony closes his eyes, pinches the skin at the top of his nose.

 _ _What have I done?__ he thinks. W _ _hat the fuck have I done?__

 **...**

The prison Bucky is to be kept in is one for serious offenders, lifers, people who will never make parole.

The warden and the guards run it as they see fit. The prisoners also run it as they see fit. Between them they seem to have a system that works.

The guards and the inmates have listened to the news, listened to the leaked information on the Russian assassin. No - not Russian – goddamn it, the __American__ who defected. The __American__ who betrayed his country. To them there is no worse crime; it is second only to paedophilia.

He is given supplies and then taken to his cell. He is marched through the prison, through the general population. Guards are on hand, ready to lock-down should there be any cause to. There are jeers, promises of pain. People spit at him; like the protesters outside the station, they have already decided his guilt – already decided his fate.

He appears to take no notice, just walks, shuffles to where they take him. Nearly trips on the stairs so the guards have to pick him up, pass him the supplies he dropped.

For the rest of the day they will lock him in his cell. He has one to himself for now. His lock-down is for his own safety.

Even so, locks can be picked.

It is just after midnight, the guards have done their rounds. Nothing is seen on camera if they are not there to watch.

Bucky is woken by a hand over his mouth. Or so they think. He was already awake, already knew trouble would come his way. He doesn't fight even though the Soldier in him rages for him to fight back. He deserves this, he deserves all the punishment he gets. They drag him out of the bed on to the cold concrete floor, nothing is said. He feels the fists that strike him in vulnerable places and he will piss blood in the morning. He feels the booted feet that kick and break his ribs. He feels the rod that breaks his nose and leaves him with two glorious black eyes. And he hears their warning.

"This is just the start, traitor."

They leave him on the floor where they think he belongs and he struggles to get up and lie back on the mattress, his breathing hard. His clothes are torn but that is nothing compared to his body. He lies there quietly for a moment and then slowly turns his face to the wall, brings his knees up. The worse pain is in his chest because he knows he is now truly alone. In his head where the Soldier rages at him, calls him a coward he can feel such emotional pain. And he asks: W _ _hy? Why was he ever born? What did I do that was so wrong in a previous life?__ There is no reply; but there never is.

In the morning his door is unlocked and two unsympathetic guards drag him back down on to the floor.

"You're to stand up when we enter." One runs his nightstick along Bucky's metal arm and then lifts it and hits him. "Stand up!" and Bucky struggles to his feet whilst they stand over him, giving him no personal space of his own. "Fell out of bed huh?" The guard is right up close and in his face. Spittle lands on his cheek. "I see we have an accident-prone one here," he says to the other guard who laughs and nods.

It is amazing where some of Hydra's old cohorts and sympathisers have managed to hide and obtain jobs.

 **...**

Just before midday he receives word he has a visitor – his lawyer. The first thing Sands does when he sees Bucky is swear. They have a screen separating them and can only talk over a phone connection.

"I fell," Bucky says, shaking his head. He won't say any more about it.

Sands fills him in about what is happening. A date has been set for trial. The appeal for bail has been denied.

"Both Steve and Freya would like to visit," Sands says but before he is even finished Bucky is shaking his head. Sands already knows his answer would be no. He will see no-one barring his lawyer. If it was up to Bucky he would already have been locked up and the key would have been thrown away.

Or, worse.

That evening for the first and only time Bucky fights back. It is the only time he will allow the Soldier to help. He is in the shower and he is expecting the attack. He will allow himself to be hurt but he will not accept rape.

Five men come for him whilst he is naked. He is stood under the water letting it run down his body, wishing it could clean his mind. He hears them approach and opens his eyes and looks at the group.

"Touch me and you will wish you were dead," he says, his voice a low growl, the look in his eyes is a promise.

Two men, stupid enough to have got involved but clever enough to know a threat when they see one, leave.

Three men are left, all with shivs in their hands and grins on their faces. The traitor might be well-muscled, might be tough but he is also naked and unarmed. There are three of them and they can see the results of the nasty beating he took the previous night; the beating they had heard he never fought back on.

Later the warden is told there is no proof or indication that Barnes caused the injuries suffered by the three men; all of the wounds were caused by the mens' own hands and own weapons. The knives never left their grips. The first man has his blade buried deep within his back, his right arm is broken, surgery will be needed to remove the blade. The second man has his knife so far buried in his throat that although he will live he will have no larynx, no voice box. The third man, the leader, has his blade buried between his legs and will never think of rape again. There will be no need; he won't have anything left to have sex with.

They all remember what Barnes told them. "If anyone tries this again they will regret it." Word goes around the prison. Accidents can happen to the traitor but if anyone tries anything sexual then their days are numbered. Battle lines have been drawn. This warning is for the guards as well as the prisoners.

He doesn't eat the first day because he feels so sick. He isn't surprised when the second day he lines up for food and before he is handed his food the man spits in it then hands it over, a wide grin on his face. Bucky's jaw tightens as the Soldier squares his shoulders, but Bucky reaches over to the man ahead of him whose tray is still on the counter and exchanges the meals. Then leaving them open-mouthed, he walks over to a table and sits down to eat.

Over the next few weeks he gets used to the prison's routine. He has had more __accidents__ but no more sexual attacks in the showers. No-one speaks to him except to curse and spit at him. Out in the yard he jogs around the perimeter because he cannot bear the sitting still. His arm and shoulder are getting more and more painful with the weight of it. Each day he sees Sands but no one else. He tells Sands that he does not want Freya involved in the trial but he is told it is not his decision to make. It is the only time they argue.

There are television sets and radios in the prison but he does not watch or listen. The days are so slow, the nights worse. He ends up in the infirmary; ground glass in his food, something he was stupid not to expect. But then, how could he? It is amazing the ways a human being can come up with to make someone else's life a misery.

 **...**

Some nights he is left to sleep and when he does his sleep is fitful, full of nightmares, memories; sometimes he doesn't even know which it is. Tonight though he is woken by another hand across his mouth. Normally now they don't mind if he makes a noise but tonight it is imperative no one else finds out what is happening until it is too late. He is pulled off the bed but onto his feet and before he can stop it his hands are tied behind his back with a leather belt, impossible to break with his left arm so incumbent.

There is no light in his cell but there is outside on the walkway and he is pulled towards that. Four men escort him. There are another two waiting outside.

There are no guards.

He hears someone calling from one of the cells.

"Hey man, watcha doin? Wha's goin' on? " It is difficult to see out of the cell doors and some are still locked as they should be - but some are unlocked, the men standing outside them, quiet, no noise except for his struggles. They are there to watch.

Someone lands a blow in his stomach which causes him to double over. He hadn't been expecting it. Things are happening so fast. He stumbles but they don't let him fall.

Something is put over his neck, pulled tight and he realises it is a noose made from bed clothes; imperfect but it will do its job. Next thing he knows they are lifting him up and over the top of the walkway barrier.

And then they let go and he is dropping but his body comes to a sudden halt as the spare rope comes to the end of its tether and the thick loop around his neck tightens.

He can't breathe. He can't reach up to release himself from the noose. He tries to turn, tries anything he can but nothing will work. The men at the top of the walkway have ensured he is over enough space that no part of his body can connect with anything to use as a hoist. And all the time his breath is running out, his neck is being constricted and the restriction around his throat feels as if it is burning, it is so painful. He cannot swallow and he knows he is dying. His ears are humming, he can feel the blood as if it is rushing to his head whereas it is being trapped there. His body is swinging, he only has on a pair of shorts. His hair is wet with sweat and his body glistens as it swings back and forth, he is still struggling, but the struggles now are lessening, slowing. His airways are completely shut off. __Please let me breathe, please God.__

Then suddenly a siren goes off, loud, hurting everyone's ears and they can hear guards running to the wing. The people out of their cells retreat back inside, closing their doors. The men responsible for his lynching disappear back to theirs, doors slam shut but in every other cell inmates begin banging on the doors and shouting, wanting to know what is happening.

Bucky's eyes close. His struggles stop. He doesn't feel the hands pulling him in, doesn't feel the tip of the knife being levered between the material and his skin in the attempt to cut the home-made noose away. His body has wet itself. He cannot hear the voices around him yelling, asking questions, making suggestions. Finally someone who is banging hell out of his chest and giving mouth to mouth finally gets him to breathe again but only for his body to begin to fit.

 **...**

It has been a long night and the warden of the prison reaches over and pours another black coffee, offers one to the prison doctor who accepts and sits down opposite him.

The warden is talking to the head guard. His voice is angry, and tired but there is a no-nonsense tone to it.

"The man almost __died.__ What the hell were your men doing?" although it is a question he doesn't wait for an answer. "I want the entire shift suspended. All of them. I want their names. I also want a list of names of the lynch mob...I will not have this happening in my prison, do you understand!" his voice gets louder towards the end and he pulls out a hankie and mops his face.

The head guard was not on duty and has been pulled in from home. He wants to argue, to make an excuse but he doesn't have one. He knows he will also be suspended.

"Now get out!" The warden watches as he leaves.

"You know he may not of actually died, don't you?" the doctor asks, sipping his coffee and looking at his friend.

"Thats not the point and you damn well know it! They were trying to kill him, they didn't know it probably wouldn't have worked. He stopped breathing. If Barnes had been left hanging there for longer he could have died. For Gods sake they never actually said he was invincible! How am I supposed to know what..." and he stops and runs his hand through what little hair he has left. "All I know is he looked dead to me." He takes another drink wishing it was something stronger than coffee in the cup.

"What are his injuries?" he asks finally.

"Well he's at the hospital now and they're running scans and an MRI. I reckon there will be minor fractures to the spinal cord. He couldn't move when he finally came around from the fitting, bit his tongue which is why he was bleeding and foaming at the mouth. His neck is severely bruised all the way around and the skin is badly chafed. Probably have problems swallowing. His right arm was dislocated but they got that back in. I reckon torn muscles will be problem. Also seems to be some problems with the scarring around that left arm of his, the skin in places was stretched so badly it had split."

"His face?" the warden had never seen the victim of a hanging before and was disturbed when he saw the marks on Barnes' face and his bloodshot eyes.

"Bruising and broken capillaries is all, shouldn't take to long too mend."

The warden nods. "And they say this...serum is it...? That will help him recover?"

The doctor shrugs but then nods: "I guess so. Not a lot is known but it works more or less the same as the one they gave Steven Rogers during the Second World War."

"So no long term after effects, I mean his spine and..."

"Well, physically he's going to be in a heck of a lot of pain once the feeling does come back. Don't know how he will do mentally, I mean, how do you feel when you've just had a noose tightened around your neck and then you're hung out to die? " the doctor shrugs and then adds, " You know I'm going to have to recommend he go into solitary don't you...for his own protection...I should have recommended it after the ground glass incident."

"Yeah I know. Jeez, what a fuck up. I mean the guy's not even gone to trial yet."

The doctor stands, drains the last of his coffee and puts his mug down. "Well, we're all supposed to be innocent until proven guilty but..." he puts on his jacket "I reckon theres not one county you could hold this trial in and find an unbiased jury so good luck on that one. Night, Pat."

"Yeah, night Frank, thanks again...oh and let me know as soon as you hear something will ya."

Pat nods and picking up his bag he leaves to go home.

 **...**

Bucky lies in the bed in the hospital. There are two guards outside on the door and one inside the room, but not to stop him from leaving - they are there for his protection. The doctor has given him a list of his injuries, given him painkillers, but out of everything it is his throat that hurts the most. He can still feel the ligature around it, choking him. He may be temporarily paralysed from the waist down at the moment but he knows already the serum is working. He can feel its heat, can feel his bones knitting.

Sands visited not so long ago. He arrived at the hospital at the same time as the ambulance but Bucky was unconscious so only saw him to speak to several hours ago. The lawyer was beside himself with anger, almost spitting. He was actually going to file for a dismissal of charges but they both know that would not work and Bucky instructed him not to.

"You do and I'll change my plea to guilty."

"What do you want? I can appeal for bail again?" Sands had asked and Bucky shook his head.

"I just want it to be over with. I wish...I wish now they had succeeded tonight, I wish they'd let me die."

Sands left feeling useless, feeling that he was not going to be up to the task of proving this man's innocence. He had finally received an answer from the court today; they would not be allowing any of the new Hydra material to be used in Bucky's defence. Oh, they'll allow the __mission reports__ , the District Attorney made sure those would be in there - but nothing else would be allowed, none of the films, very few of the files. He will have to rely on Freya's testimony and the prosecutor had already started in on destroying her character.

 _ _Freya Bowman a victim? No, she worked for Hydra all along. Didn't you know?__

Bucky drifts in and out of sleep, sometimes waking himself up with his own murmuring. The prison guard inside the room is a different one to those who have been looking after him up to now. He helps him drink when he wakes because Bucky has trouble himself moving. Despite being paralysed from the waist down they have insisted that he be cuffed to the bed. Bucky lies there and wonders if there is any difference between now and when he was in the hands of Hydra and being experimented on. He is still chained, feared, considered guilty, so many people cannot be wrong. It __must__ be what he deserves.

Sam has driven both Steve and Freya to the hospital but they are not allowed to see Bucky. They are not even allowed on the floor where they are holding him. Sam tries to cajole the people in charge of guarding him; yes they know who Steve Rogers is...but orders are orders and someone has already tried to kill Barnes tonight. Even Sam in his capacity as a psychological counsellor is not allowed to see Bucky.

The first time any of them will see him is in the court room when he is being tried. They will not be able to speak with him and he will rarely look at them. They will be shocked at how he looks. Leaning slightly to the side because of the weight of his left arm. Thin, almost gaunt, bruised, battered, shuffling because he will still be in cuffs. He will look so like the young Bucky Barnes that Steve will stop in his tracks as though he is looking at a ghost. To Freya he will look as if he has already given up, already accepted death, and that night and most nights after, Steve and Freya will sleep in the same bed together. Not for sex but for comfort; they are both too shattered by what they see as the loss of the man they both love and somehow they just cannot ever see him coming back.

They are so frightened for him neither can bear to be alone.

 **...**

When James Barnes is led into the court his head is bowed, his gait a shuffle. Someone yells from the public gallery that he should be hanged. __Too late they tried that,__ Bucky thinks to himself. The protester is quickly removed from the court.

Normally the defendant would sit next to his lawyer. But in this case Barnes is deemed to be to dangerous. Instead he is sat within a specially constructed glass enclosure over the other side of the court. The inside of the enclosure cannot be reached from within the court itself, only from an staircase outside the court room. At no time would he be able to come within any distance of anyone in the court. He is totally cut off. The glass is bullet proof. There are two guards sat in with him, one just outside. They are armed with both tasers and guns. There is a sound system so he can hear everything that is said and when necessary they will be able to hear him. It has not yet been decided if when he is due to give testimony he will do so from the enclosure, or be allowed to sit within the witness box.

Freya and Steve are sat in the seats behind Sands. Bucky is asked to stand and give his name. He does. For the first time he looks around the room and he sees them. He feels unwell, he feels as if he is underwater, and seeing his friends make it worse. Sam is with them and even Nat. Steve nods and after a moment's hesitation Bucky nods back.

Then their attention is pulled away as the presiding judge enters and the court is called to attention.

The trial begins.


	93. Chapter 93 - Burden of Proof

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Ninety-Three:**** ** **Burden of Proof****

 **Arthur and Anna Bowman: 1945/46**

It has been three months since the soldiers came and took Freya away. Three months since they were told to forget they had a daughter. Three months since Anna had last smiled properly.

Arthur comes awake suddenly, heart thumping as though he has been running. The room is fairly dark, it is just after dawn. He reaches out to touch his wife in bed next to him, but Anna is not there. There is just an empty cold space.

Arthur fumbles to light the lamp and then puts his slippers on. The door to their bedroom is open.

"Anna?" he calls, and holding the lamp he makes his way out of the room and on to the landing. The bathroom is empty and he gets a terrible sinking feeling as he feels a cold wind moving through the house. He goes downstairs, and into the kitchen. The back door is open.

"Anna?" he calls again, but quietly now because he knows she is not in the house. He knows she has gone out. He knows she is looking for Freya.

Anna's mental health had never been good and as she has gotten older it has worsened. When Freya had been here she could help with her mother's condition, she seemed to know the right thing to say, how to calm her but, in the last three months Anna has declined at a worrying rate.

Arthur puts the lamp on the table, kicks off his slippers, and struggles to put on his boots. There isn't time to dress properly; he grabs his heavy overcoat and scarf and then plunges out of the door into the patch of land at the back of their home. In happier times there used to be a garden planted here: flowers and vegetables and Anna would sit out in the rare sun and Arthur would watch her soak up the rays of sunshine.

His beautiful Anna.

As he looks out over the snow covered ground he can clearly see a trail of footprints leading into the forest and he hurries alongside them, calling her name - but there is no reply. He doesn't know how long she has been out here. It is so cold. Her coat was still hanging in the hall so she must just be in her nightdress. He sees something lying in the snow and cries out when he sees it is one of her slippers - then five feet away he finds the other one. She is now barefoot.

The forest is less dense here but the snow is falling again, gently and he can still follow the tracks until they peter out. He is in a small opening. If he looks up he can see the sky. He looks around, turning as he does so, and then he sees her.

"Oh Anna," he murmurs as he goes to her. She is sat on the ground, leaning up against a tree, her nightdress is as white as the snow, her skin pale and her hair, which is now completely grey, falls around her shoulders. For a moment he thinks she is dead but as he crouches down she opens her eyes and they are full of tears.

He sits down beside her as she weeps. "I can't find her. I can't find our daughter," she says and he reaches out and takes her in his arms and she bows her head against his chest. She is freezing cold.

He needs to get her home. "Oh Anna. We must get you back home, back into the warmth." He goes to stand but she does not move. He looks down at her and she shakes her head.

"Don't make me go there, don't make me go home. Freya isn't there, she isn't __there__ Arthur, they took her away, our daughter, they took her away." Her voice reflects such a deep sorrow.

He knows what he should do - even if it means dragging her back - but truth be told, he is tired. And he knows he only has weeks left before he will have no choice but to have Anna institutionalised.

So instead he struggles to remove his coat and goes to put it on her, but she stops him and instead he wraps it around both of them then twines his scarf around her neck and she curls up to him. It is so bitterly cold. He can feel the warmth leeching out of his body and hers; her skin feels like marble and he can see how tired she is.

How tired they both are.

"Did we get a letter this morning?" she asks. Arthur is used to how Anna's mind flits around from one moment to the next, from the present to the past. He snuggles her up against him some more and she puts her hand in his. He looks at the wedding ring on her finger, remembers the day he placed it there. There is also a silver chain wrapped around her hand attached to her locket, she has taken it off and is holding it close.

"Yes we did," he lies so smoothly, not to hurt but to please. "She said she was happy and that they are visiting new places every day." He has never told Anna that Freya had been a nurse at the front; Anna believed Freya had been away in England visiting friends of Arthur's. Anna didn't even know there was a war on. Did not know that the only thing keeping them alive with a roof over their heads had been the money Freya sent them each month during that time. "She said she had visited London and seen the palace but said it is not as beautiful as ours in St Petersburg. She said they were parading the horses and the soldiers, that there are so many handsome young men!" And he kisses Anna's forehead.

"And did she say she was coming home soon?" Anna asks, and Arthur's eyes fill with tears.

"Yes she did my love. In a few weeks."

But Arthur doesn't even know if his daughter is alive. The night they took her is embedded in his memory; the sound of the soldiers feet on the stairs, Freya's face as she was taken and pushed into the truck. The choice he had made, to stay with her mother and not try and stop them. He knows he would have been no match for them, knows he needed to safeguard Anna, knows Freya understood, but it didn't stop him from believing that he had somehow betrayed Freya. It did not stop him for crying and praying for her every night.

"I'm so tired Arthur, I miss our beautiful daughter so much, I miss our Freya," Anna says and he looks down at her. Her eyes are closed and he can feel how relaxed her body is. Tears roll down his cheeks and his voice is choked. His tears fall onto her hair.

"Sleep now Anna, don't worry. I won't leave you. I'll wake you when Freya gets home," and he feels her nod. He tightens his hold.

"Tell me again..." her voice is so quiet he barely hears it but he knows what she is asking. It is a story he tells her, one she loves, about a prince who meets his princess and of the beautiful child that they have.

"Once upon a time..."

It is not until the next day that they are found. The scene is a peaceful one. Anna and Arthur snuggled up against the tree, her hand in his. Both so pale, and so at peace. Frozen teardrops on his face and snow in her hair. They agree that Arthur could not have lived without Anna; theirs was a story known to everyone in the town. Before it had been sad; a tale about a man losing his wife to madness... but now? Now the story becomes one of romance. A prince who found his princess, and who chose to die by her side.

 **...**

 **Pepper Potts: Present Day**

 _ _Pepper finishes reading the report sent to her by the private investigator whom she had hired to find out about Freya's parents. It had taken him a while but eventually he had found the details buried in the records at the town's local records office, and a newspaper report from the time. He then followed the trail back to the Coroners Office.__

 _ _It was thought that Anna Bowman, who was slipping into insanity, had wandered outside and become lost to the snow. Her husband had found her but it would have been too late by then. Reading between the lines, it had been felt he had chosen to die by her side. The local Coroner returned a verdict of death by misadventure – not suicide. It is not mentioned where they are buried. He will await further instructions if she wishes for that information to be found. Pepper picks up the small packet that accompanied the report. It contains a locket held by the Coroners Office, found with the deceased couple. The Coroner is happy to now return it to the family.__

 _ _The report went on to say that there was mention of a daughter, Freya Bowman. It says she was taken one night by either the KGB or Russian soldiers and that her whereabouts were unknown. It was thought she was deceased.__

 _ _Pepper sits there for a moment. Should she tell Freya now, or leave it until things were better? Bucky had surrendered to the police last week and since then had been refusing to see either Steve or Freya. They were both going through so much, was it fair to add more of a burden? After all this time could it wait for a few more weeks, a few more months? Pepper sighs. She thinks not. If it were her she would rather know, and she feels that if she was to ask Freya that would be her answer to.__

 _"_ _ _Jarvis, do you know where Freya is?" she asks.__

 _"_ _ _In the library Pepper," he responds. His reply makes Pepper smile; finally, after years of telling him to call her Pepper and not ma'am she has finally gotten through to him.__

 _ _She takes one more look at the report and then goes to find Freya. She finds her at the same time as Jeremy Sands does.__

"I can come back later," Pepper says but you ask her to stay. Sands is worried. Tomorrow will be your first day in court giving testimony. He believes it will take days, if not weeks to tell your story, but first he has to warn you. The District Attorney is attempting to discredit you; he is going to go with the belief that you are not the innocent you claim to be, that he is not even sure that Freya Bowman is even your real name. The prosecution is arranging a link to the court from the town in which you say you grew up, but other than that Sands does not know what the line of questioning will be.

"But why try and discredit me? It doesn't make sense," you say naively.

"Freya, if he can cause reasonable doubt to who you say you are and what happened to you then he casts doubt on everything you testify to..." he hesitates and then looks at Pepper and then back to you "...there is even talk that after Bucky's trial has ended that there will be charges for you to face."

"What?" Pepper is indignant.

"A bit like Nazi sympathisers during the war, you know, that Freya was in on the plan all along and not one of their victims. That she worked with Hydra and was not actually kidnapped by them," he says.

Pepper remembers the report she is still holding in her hands and holds the papers up. "I may be able to help there," she says.

 **...**

 _ _Later that day you are alone with the report and your thoughts. You have glanced at the documents but cannot face them yet and so you put them to one side. Pepper has told you how your parents had died and you are grateful that they died together and in your mind you can picture the scene so clearly.__

 _ _You pick up the locket, it is your mothers and holds a picture of Anna on one side and Arthur on the other. Your mother used to tell you how when she closed the locket she and Arthur were together. Part of you doesn't want to open it but you want to see them one last time.__

 _ _It is difficult to open as the locket has been damaged by time but it then springs open and you gasp. The pictures of both Anna and Arthur are still in there but since you last saw the locket, a middle leaf has been put in and it contains a picture of you. When the locket closes the three of you are together.__

 _ _They cannot tell you how much they loved you but now you can see with your own eyes that they did.__

 **...**

 **The Doctor and his Grandfather's Diary**

The man is watching the news. It's been a long day at work and he is ready to crash, but his three year old daughter has other plans. She wants to play. With half his mind on the television and half on the game he is making her laugh so hard that his wife calls from the kitchen.

"Don't make her hyper, I'll never get her to bed tonight," she peaks around into the living room and sees her husband laying on the floor holding their daughter up and tickling her.

Then he stops suddenly and moves to sit up, his focus on the news story. He just heard a name, one he recognises but he doesn't know why.

"Daddy," the little girl says in an exasperated tone.

"Sssh honey," he is listening to the rest of the report with his daughter trying to get off his lap.

His wife comes into the room and lifts her up passing her a toy to keep her occupied. "What is it? What's wrong?" she asks.

"I don't know, I thought I..." he looks back at the screen and so does she.

It's a news report on the trial of the Winter Soldier.

They listen to what the reporter is saying and whilst he mentions no names the man knows he heard something, and it is bugging him. He changes to another news station and then another, and he's in luck: on the third they are giving a round up of what has happened at the trial.

"...and the prosecution says they can find no trace of this woman working at a field camp..." a reporter is stating

"So, who is she?" the news anchor asks.

"Well _ _exactly.__ They now think that she made up her story to cover the fact she was part of the Project Winter Soldier itself and that she should be held accountable for what was done to Sergeant James Barnes if he is found not guilty."

"Thank you Sandi..." the news anchor turns back to his audience "Sandi Liebermann, reporting on today's events as the trial of the Winter Soldier starts. The prosecution has put into doubt the identity of Freya Bowman who begins her testimony tomorrow. Miss Bowman states she first met Sergeant Barnes at a Russian hospital field camp. She claims she wasn't part of the Hydra project from its inception, but her testimony is being called into doubt. And now on to today's other news..."

The man switches of the news and his wife puts her hand on his shoulder.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"I don't...honey, where did we put Gramps' old diaries?"

"In the attic. I think, in that old trunk he brought with him." The man goes to stand up and his wife continues: "Oh no you don't buster, we have one excited three year old to put to bed and then dinner." She ruffles his hair but then sees the look on his face and sighs good-naturedly. She gives in. "You get to cook all weekend...Saturday __and__ Sunday and you can wash and wipe."

"Deal," he says, already heading off to the attic.

Much later he is sprawled on the living room floor, dusty old books lying around him whilst his wife hands him a glass of wine and sits besides him.

"So are you going to tell me?" she asks.

His focus appears to be on one diary in particular. "I will, I just have to make a phone call first."

"Ted it's after ten..."

"I know...back in a minute."

Ted Bethune MD jumps up and heads for the phone, diary in hand.

 **...**

 **Freya - Who are you really?**

There are demonstrations outside the courtroom, banners stating that you should be charged alongside the Winter Soldier. You were advised to get a lawyer. You told them you didn't need a lawyer.

How could life suddenly get so complicated?

In the courtroom it takes a while for it to quieten down and you are reminded that you are under oath. This is your first day and you have been told it will be a short session, more of a shot across the bow than anything else. Charles Bayer, the District Attorney, has been busy overnight. As Sands had warned, he has requested a direct televised link to the town where you state you grew up in Russia. On Skype, Bayer talks to the local Police Chief and everyone can hear. In the background you recognise your parent's house but it all looks so different now and you feel sick. Your stomach is churning and you are glad you missed breakfast this morning.

You look over to where James is watching everything.

Bayer has asked you a question and you turn back to him and he repeats it.

"This is the house you say you grew up in?" You nod, your eyes wide. "Please answer the question verbally Miss Bowman."

You clear your throat and then repeat your answer. "Yes."

He turns to the screen where the Police Chief has just explained that they have talked to the owners and they have never heard of a family called the Bowman's - but that is not surprising, they are new to the town and it all happened so long ago.

Bayer is definitely out for your blood. He wants to hang you with your own lies, and if you are lying about this then all the testimony you are about to give on Sergeant Barnes behalf is lies. He wants to hang you and wants to tear the Winter Soldier apart and if he makes a name for himself on the way well, these things come to those that wait. He would have done well in Hydra.

The Chief goes on to say that they have canvassed the area and no one can actually recall a family called the Bowmans, and so the Police Chief acknowledges that he cannot confirm you once lived there. The prosecutor is smiling; he is just about to put the noose around your neck. He doesn't yet know one of his young team has made a serious mistake.

Bayer hands you over to Jeremy Sands who asks the judge if he can consult with you for a moment.

He comes over and puts his hand on the microphone and then asks you if there is anything that could possibly prove you lived in that house. He has Pepper's report but that just mentions how your parents died, and that they did have a daughter named Freya, it is not proof of who you are, it is not proof that you are Freya. He needs to nail this down tight.

You sit there and think. You could describe the house as it had been, even remember some of your neighbours names and of course there is the report on your parents from Pepper but...

 _ _And then you remember.__ How could you have forgotten?

"Yes," and you tell him.

Smiling, he steps away.

First he asks the Police Chief the approximate ages of everyone they canvassed. The policeman confirms that the area is __up and coming__ and so most of the couples are in their mid-thirties or slightly older. No, he confirms they did not ask anyone who may have been alive in those days. "It was over seventy years ago, most of them weren't even twinkles in their father's eyes yet. Even I wasn't around then," he remarks - he himself is all of forty years old.

"So you weren't surprised that no one can confirm knowing the Bowmans."

"No. I did tell the young man on the prosecution that I could look up in the local records office for more information but that it would take days to search through the records and he said not to bother." And at this point Sands looks at Bayer. So does the judge. Bayer looks at a junior on his team, his face reddening. It is not you who will be hung, drawn, and quartered today.

Sands then turns back to the screen and asks the Police Chief if he could enter the house and follow a set of directions. He tells him he may need a crowbar. The man goes away to consult the owner. It takes but five minutes for him to obtain the needed permission.

Charles Bayer complains to the judge but the judge is prepared to give Jeremy leeway; after all this line of questioning was opened up by the prosecution. "I'm sure it could have all been prevented if your junior had done his job properly, don't you?" remarks the judge drily.

A deputy and the chief are followed into the house by another police man who is working the video camera giving the live feed to the court.

Once in the house they stop and ask which way to go and you give them directions. Inside your heart is racing, pounding and you feel everyone can hear it. The house looks so different now, more prosperous, __what if__...no you can't think like that.

You direct them to the room that had been your bedroom. It has changed beyond recognition and is now a baby's room, decorated in blues with hanging planes and a cot. A blue carpet finishes the décor.

You can almost hear the Chief groan as he realises he is going to have to take the carpet up of the floor, but you stop him. "Just in the corner, by the window, only about two feet in."

He directs his men to pull the carpet up and in the background you can hear a woman speaking fast in Russian; she does not want them to make a mess. The Chief looks at her and she backs down. She doesn't want any trouble.

The camera focuses on the floorboards and you are counting inwards from the wall. "That one," you say, and the Chief kneels and tests the board. It is already loose. Your heart stops, what if someone has already found them?

He is handed a crowbar and he eases up the board and peers inside. He then beckons for the camera to do the same. Nestled under seventy years of dust is something wrapped in material. He reaches in and retrieves it, coughing as he stirs up the dust.

The wrapping is a piece of cloth, part of your uniform from the field camp, and when he opens it nestled inside are Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes' dog tags. The Chief wipes them over and then reads them out to the best of his ability, then holds them up for the camera to see.

You close your eyes.

When you open them you look at James. He is sat forward, he tries to smile and for a few seconds you are connected. So long ago for both of you, so much history has passed, so many years. There is relief in his eyes and you know it is relief for you. That this means you are safe.

The connection with your home town has been proved and the prosecutor tries to cover for his mistake, says he had been so sure that it was just one of your lies. His day is about to get worse as someone hands a note to James' lawyer. He reads it and asks to approach the bench.

The Judge decides to take a recess. You wonder what all the fuss is about and when they return you are told there will be a delay with you returning to the witness stand. There is another witness that has information valuable to the case and the judge has agreed for it to be given.

"Please could you state your name please, " Jeremy says to the well-dressed man on the stand. He looks familiar to you but you are not sure why.

"Ted Bethune," he says and you literally jump at the name. You put your hand up to cover your mouth. Of course, that is why he is familiar, he looks so like his father - no, wait it would be his grandfather.

Jeremy goes over his credentials with him. Ted is a fully qualified doctor working at the local hospital. He also holds a doctorate in modern languages which includes his grandfather's native Russian tongue.

"And can you tell me why you are here today?"

"I was watching the news yesterday, well last night, and heard about the trial and the questioning of Miss Bowman and I thought her name rang a bell," he says and Bayer jumps up to complain; this man is far too young to be able to prove who she is.

The judge tells him to sit down and not say another word; he will have his own chance to question Ted Bethune.

"My grandfather, Mark Bethune, fled Russia during the Second World War and brought his family over to America. He always talked about this secret that he knew and that he had been worried he and another person would be found out and murdered for the information. When he came here, he brought with him his personal diaries which he actually kept up to date until he passed and left in the safe keeping of his son, my father, who then passed them to me."

At this point the defence holds up what appears to be an old diary and enters it into the record.

"Do you recognise this?" Jeremy asks, and Ted Bethune confirms it is one of the older diaries from 1944 - covering his grandfather's time in a hospital field camp in Russia. "Could you read out the page I've opened it at please." He turns to the judge and the jury explaining that the diary is in Russian but that Ted will translate as he reads. He smiles at Bayer.

"You can of course bring in your own translator to confirm what Doctor Bethune reads is a true interpretation."

" _ _Still so bitterly cold today. Would I expect anything less here? We had a new casualty in today, brought in by a group of misfits calling themselves soldiers; they are not soldiers, they are scum, stealing from us, taking our supplies. They brought him into camp believing he was dead and they were trying to sell us the organs. These people, I don't know how they sleep at night. Freya had an argument with their leader, I thought for one awful moment he was going to shoot her but I was able to intervene. When she checked the body she discovered he was still alive, he is an American we believe. How he is alive I do not know! I think every bone in his body is broken, every organ torn, I don't expect him to last the night and Freya won't leave his side. I worry about that girl, we have lost so many soldiers and both of us I think have had enough, we don't want to see any more death, any more blood. The camp is empty except for the American but we are expecting more casualties as soon as the fighting starts again. Meanwhile, I must sort out some more supplies and..."__

"And this page please."

" _ _Something is not right about the American. His body gives off such a heat and it seems to be repairing itself, repairing some of the injuries but I still don't think it will be enough to save him. I am not going to say his name here, I will just call him the American. The other doctors are talking about experimentation they have heard about that is being done in America__ _ _and - darker still - experimentation going on here. The name Hydra has been spoken but I don't really understand what that is. I worry more about Freya; if this man dies it will break her heart. Because of the gossip I have changed the notes we hold on him and have removed both mine and Freya's names. I just have such a bad feeling about this whole entire affair. I don't want any of it to rebound on either of us. She has become like a daughter to me."__

Another page is turned, by now everyone is listening quietly, as though they have been transported to the past.

" _ _Oh god I think one of the other doctors have passed information on to someone about the American. Freya and I have talked quietly about trying to get him out of here but we don't know how or who to contact. Maybe the contact here who deals with the black market can help, but can we trust him? I don't think..."__

Another page is turned.

" _ _It is too late. They came for him, soldiers and a truck. They hauled him out with no thought of his injuries. Freya and I tried to stop them but they threatened to shoot us. They have taken all the files, thank god I had changed them. I must get Freya out of here and I must now look after my family; if these people find out the truth I feel we will all be killed."__

" _ _I sent Freya home today. I am worried about her state of mind. She fell hard for the American and I don't think she is going to get over him easily. I will miss her. I know we will not meet again."__

The courtroom is deadly quiet, you are crying; you cannot help it, the words have taken you straight back there, to the cold and the hopelessness.

Jeremy asks a few more questions and written proof is given of how the original Doctor Bethune fled to America with his family.

There is just one more thing left. In the back of the diary is an old photograph showing a group of nurses, doctors and orderlies, it is marked __Field Camp,1944__.

A list of names is given on the back.

You are shown fourth on the left hand side next to Doctor Bethune, and the name given is Freya Bowman. Your long plait is draped over your shoulder and although you wear your hair shorter now there is no mistaking you.

You are who you say you are.


	94. Chapter 94 - What is it you want?

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Ninety-Four:**** ** **What is it you want?****

Sometimes fate lends a helping hand. Things that happen all over the world come together at the right time and place.

People often remark on it being a small world, but is that the reason for coincidence or is there a greater plan?

A young dark haired French woman walks down the sidewalk on her way to the court. Her pace is fast and so is her speech as she talks to her mother on the telephone. She looks over the top of her glasses as she comes closer to her destination, wishes her mother goodbye, and puts her phone away. She climbs the steps into the coolness of the building.

Her name is Marion, and she was named after her grandmother. Marion is here in New York for two reasons. Firstly, she is visiting and staying with family friends. Secondly, she is attending the trial of the Winter Soldier - of Bucky Barnes – her grandmother's American soldier.

When Marion was young she spent a lot of time with her namesake who was a teller of stories. She could take a memory, a reminiscent and weave it around you so that it became a precious thing. Marion is a dreamer, very much like the woman she was named after. She loved to listen to her grandmother's reminiscences but she had a favourite one - because she knew it was her grandmother's favourite; her grandmother's eyes would always be brighter when she was telling this particular story. All the stories were true, but became more embellished with each retelling; like a cake with a sprinkle of icing sugar.

Her grandmother could also draw. She would do sketches of things and people that she talked about in her memories. When she sadly passed away, Marion had inherited her grandmother's sketch books; she had already inherited her love of drawing.

The story of the handsome American was a short one. It had happened during the Second World War when her grandmother was just fifteen. She had been playing ball with her dog, and the ball had fallen into the pond on the family farm. The elderly dog had stupidly run in after it.

"I couldn't swim, I couldn't get in and there she was bravely trying to tread water but she couldn't get out. No one was home but then I heard a vehicle up on the road so I ran and flagged it down. I was besides myself, I didn't know what to do. The vehicle stopped. It was one of those American Jeeps and was full of young men, soldiers...all in uniform." And at this her grandmother's eyes would twinkle, "but of course at that point I couldn't fully appreciate that!" she would laugh, but then grow serious. "One of the men in the front jumped out, he was an American, very dashing, tall. He could see how upset I was. I could see he couldn't follow what I was saying but he did understand enough to see it was an emergency and the men followed me back to the house. Well, when they saw it was just an old dog some of them laughed, shook their heads and returned to their vehicle.

But the American, he didn't, he gently touched my arm as if he was going to ask me to dance. He asked me my name. He had the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen, blue like the colour of cornflowers. He told me it would be all right. He is asked me if I had any rope. One of the other men, an Englishman, had also stayed but before I could answer, my poor dog who was suffering could not keep herself afloat any more and she went under. I thought I had lost her.

Without any other words he jumped in. Oh, the pond was so deep and such a mess, scum and weeds, no one had ever drained it. He took hold of my dog and held her to his chest and then swam back. I was so happy, so pleased. I took her in my arms and hugged her as hard as I could. Later Mama scolded me for the state my dress was in but I didn't care.

The poor American was soaked, all the scum had marked his uniform. I had to stand on tiptoe but I kissed his cheek and asked his name. "Bucky Barnes," he said and he had smiled, it was like the sun coming out on a winters day. Such a beautiful smile and I was smitten. Did I ever tell you he was my first crush? Such a beautiful man but not just in appearance, in temperament as well. The way he looked at you made you feel special, made you feel safe." Her eyes always sparkled at the memory as if she was young again.

And then her grandmother would show her the sketches she had made later that day. They were all of the young American soldier and underneath in her beautiful script she had written his name; __Bucky Barnes__.

Those sketches were the spitting image of the man now on trial. The man they called the Winter Soldier.

There is something people do not know about Marion. At times she goes by a different name to her given one but only very few people know this. She uses a pseudonym on some of her work: Emgee. On her satirical artwork. People have often wondered why that simple name. Well, it is simplicity itself. They are her actual initials, MG, but of course they have never known her real name so no one could ever guess who she was.

Marion had always wanted to be an artist. Her main work is for an animation company; if I were to mention some films you would recognise the titles and some of the creations within them are Marion's. She also loves to illustrate children's books, to make them as magical as her grandmother made her stories.

As she grew older, Marion became disillusioned with things happening in the world around her. One of her uncles owned a newspaper and at the start of her career she was following a case in the news. She sketched a satirical piece of political art that her uncle was so taken with he ran it in his newspaper. The work was signed ' _ _Emgee'__ as she was too shy at the time to add her real name.

The piece was taken up by the National newspapers and so her uncle commissioned her to do some more, and now ten years later on, her satirical comments are well known around the globe, but still very few people are aware of the real author behind the work. She does not do them all the time, only when she feels very strongly about something. She knows when a story has grasped her imagination as she sees it as pictures in her mind.

Marion never meant to draw one for this trial, never meant to create one relating to the Winter Soldier. That is not her intention for being here. She is here to see Bucky Barnes because she feels someone that did such a good deed for her grandmother could not be the monster they portray him as in the press. So, she came to see the monster for herself.

Yesterday Marion saw him in the pen, as the press has dubbed the __box__ they keep him in at trial, and her heart went out to him. He is no monster. She listened to the evidence given by the woman Freya Bowman, listened to how many times the prosecutor cut her off, wouldn't let her explain and as she sat there Marion seethed at the injustice on show. Surely, this trial should be against the organisation known as Hydra, not against this man who was one of their many victims.

Over the last few days she has spent the time listening to the people around her. Listening to the people out on the street, listened to the chants of the crowds outside the court. She knows of how the other countries are following the trial, how it is talked about on the social media. And she knows one thing for sure: that the world will hang him if they get the chance.

This isn't a trial. It's a parody. A disgrace to justice.

And she hears and understands what Freya Bowman is trying to say. Freya is outside on the steps of the court where she has finally lost her cool, where she is challenging the people in the crowd.

And as she listens to her a picture grows in Marion's mind

 **...**

You feel so agitated you cannot stay still. Steve is with you. Sam has gone to get the car.

"Such a waste of time Steve, they are not listening!" you snap. "How? How can they say those things about him? I can't understand why they won't allow the films or …." and you look at Steve and stop mid-sentence. He is looking at you seriously, nodding because he agrees and between the two of you there is no need to say any more. He understands, he knows. Of course he does.

He has your arm and is guiding you through the crowds. People are pushing and shoving, wanting you to say something, asking you questions and by the time you get outside onto the steps you have had enough.

Between you and the road where Sam will meet you is a crowd of demonstrators. They hold up placards calling for the death of the Winter Soldier. Calling for the death of Bucky Barnes. Calling him names, names he does not deserve.

News services are trying to push microphones in your face. They are asking - how do you feel? __How the hell do they think you feel?__ You break through them and for a moment you stand on the steps by yourself looking out over __humanity__ – that is what they call themselves.

The demonstrators are being held back by the police but you see something awful. A young child, about ten - she is carrying a small placard of her own with a drawing of a man hanging and there is hate on her face. __Ten years old__. A woman has her hand on the girl's shoulder and carries a placard of her own showing the same picture.

So much hate.

You walk forward and the crowd senses something and starts to quieten. You hear footsteps behind you and you know Steve is there. You stop two steps up from the crowd and look out over them. Then you hold your hand out toward the placards.

"Is this what you want?" you ask, the anger in your voice making it carry.

"He deserves to die for what he's done," someone yells back, and there are murmurs of agreement.

You look into the woman's eyes. "Is this the __justice__ you teach your children?"

"He's a traitor," she spits at you and her daughter turns to look at the hatred in her mother's eyes.

You look away from her and over the crowd. "For your whole lives and I mean your whole lives, and even the lives of some of your parents, James Barnes was tortured, and kept prisoner and you want to kill him for that? When you were growing up, going to school, enjoying Christmas with your loved ones, going to college, getting your first job, all of that time this man was being held against his will...think about it. __All__ that time, all those years, and no one, no one came to help him. Not one person. Do you think he would have done any of those things if he hadn't been wiped, programmed and sent out like an automaton?"

"Tell me, where were you when they strapped him time and time again into the chair and wiped his mind? Did you know you could hear him scream wherever you were in the complex where they held him underground, never seeing the sun or knowing who he was anymore or even where he was? And then afterwards they would take him for programming, where hours later he would come out reeling, eyes, ears and nose bleeding and again where were all of you? Sitting down eating your Christmas dinner, or flirting with the next door neighbour or just enjoying life."

You look at individual people, can't they understand? Do they need that hate in their eyes to survive their own lives? Is that it? "What is it you want from him?" you ask looking out across the sea of faces watching you, listening to you. "What more can you take away from him. He has nothing...nothing!"

"He has his life which is more than his victims have!" a man at the back shouts.

"And you're going to take that away from him too? Tell me, what will you do to kill him? You've heard about the serum they pumped into him, you know he will be hard to kill so come on, what are you going to do?" you ask.

No one says a word so you continue. You indicate the woman's placard.

"Hang him? Watch him plunge through the floor breaking his neck and then when they've cut him down watching him try to move away with his body broken whilst they strap the noose around his neck again because he isn't dead yet? Or how about your electric chair?" You indicate another placard. "Send bolts of electricity through him, watch him burn, watch his eyes boil whilst all the time he is begging you to stop it, begging you to help him until all that is left is a burnt husk moaning because he is still alive, trapped in his body which is reduced to a mass of burnt flesh? Unable to beg for help any more, beg for an end."

"No? Still not good enough for you?"

The crowd is so quiet you can hear the traffic out on the street.

"Behead him? Then...in a hidden lab somewhere they can take his body, pull it apart, see what makes it tick. Take his left arm to use for their own soldiers. And whilst your scientists are pulling him apart, they can put his head in a jar so he can watch them, study him screaming at what he can see and still feel even though his body is no longer a part of him?"

"Is that what you really want? Is that your __justice__?"

People now have their hands over their mouths, not believing what you have said to them. The awful pictures you have just painted. How dare you challenge their hatred! How dare you question their morals! And as you stand there saying these awful words you realise what you have said and you to start to cry.

The crowd are silent.

You turn to Steve and he comes forward, puts an arm around you and takes you to the car where Sam is waiting

 _ _Marion is there on the steps listening to Freya's words. They have painted awful pictures in her mind, pictures she believes the world should see. She watches as the car drives off and then hurries to get back to where she is staying.__

 _ _She has work to do.__

 **...**

The next morning you and Steve are sat at the breakfast table drinking coffee, it is all you can face. Neither of you have switched on the television. Neither of you are ready yet for the continued hate.

But Nat has. She comes striding in, newspaper in her hand. Bangs it down on the table, front page up.

"Quite a show you gave yesterday," she says to you, smiling because her words are not an accusation. She is impressed, and it takes a lot to impress Natasha Romanoff. She has put the paper in front of you and Steve so you can see exactly what she is referring to.

When you look at it you are glad you did not have any breakfast.

There on the front page are your words made real. "Hit the internet about a minute after the newspaper hit the streets. Everyone's tweeting it, gone international, gone viral!"

Steve picks up the paper. "Emgee" Steve says softly. He has seen her work before.

"Who?" you ask Steve but Nat answers as Steve passes you the paper. "No one knows who she really is. They know she's French but that's all. She produces satirical messages, usually hits the nail on the head and boy has she this time!"

The pictures are gruesome especially because you know who the man suffering in them is, they bring the narrative to life. It is doubtful there is one person on the planet who doesn't know who Bucky Barnes is, hasn't seen his photograph a million times over. Everyone will recognise him as the man in the pictures.

There are three sets of drawings.

The first set shows Bucky having a noose placed around his neck. The corresponding picture shows the noose being put on him again because he is still alive despite already being hung.

The second set shows him strapped into the electric chair. The corresponding picture shows the electricity being channelled through his body, he is in agony. Smoke drifts out of his open mouth and he is begging for help.

The third is the worst.

It shows Bucky being decapitated and his body being cut open. He is still alive. The corresponding picture shows the same dingy, dirty lab with the scientists bending over Bucky's body on an autopsy table. They are pulling it apart and the look on their faces is pure evil, pure greed. They are splitting open his torso, lifting up the organs and all the while on the side is a jar with Bucky's head in it, screaming.

On the back wall of the lab is the red sign of Hydra only it is crossed out and replaced by the words __US Research Centre.__

The pictures seem so real.

You put the newspaper down. You feel sick. It's as if the artist has read your mind.

"They looks so real..." Steve murmurs.

Natasha nods. "The problem is that they could be if they find him guilty," she says, voicing your very same thoughts and fears.


	95. Chapter 95 - Checkmate

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Ninety-Five:**** ** **Checkmate****

Sam drives you and Steve to the court. All three of you are quiet, all lost in your own thoughts. As you get out of the car and walk up the stairs, you keep your head down, try to ignore the shouts and the press but at the top Sam stops you and points out something about the crowd you hadn't noticed.

Yesterday they were one huge mass; today, they are split in two. On the left side are the people you saw yesterday, their banners calling for James' death. But on the right is a new smaller crowd, one whose placards ask for leniency, ask why Hydra is not being held accountable for their crimes, makes reference to James Barnes as being a POW.

There are people in this world who can sway public opinion, make them sit up and think. They take a subject and dissect it to its basic structure and show us what it really means. Emgee is one of those people.

Your message, made real by Emgee's art, has slowly started taking hold, started making people think. But is it too late?

No one can say what the outcome of the trial will be. No one.

 **...**

 _ _So far, Tony has not attended the trial.__

 _ _Pepper has been there when she can to show Steve, you and Bucky her support. She tried to convince Tony to go with her but he had insisted he hasn't time. He has gotten involved in a new project and she despairs because she thought he could help James Barnes, especially as some of what has happened is his fault. Some? More than some. The information the prosecutor has is devastating. More has come to light and his case is building nicely. Jeremy Sands work on James' defence is being rebuffed at every turn.__

 _ _Right now whilst everyone faces the court again, Tony is in his lab. Where else would he be?__

" _ _Okay Jarvis. Can you tell me what we have so far?" Tony asks, and Jarvis runs down a list of Tony's instructions, advising whether or not each task has been completed.__

 _ _Tony has not slept properly in days and has barely eaten; once a project consumes him this is what he does until he literally falls down with exhaustion. "So..." he checks the last of details, " so we're ready?"__

" _ _I believe so sir," Jarvis confirms.__

 _ _Tony wipes his face with his hands, then slips off the stool and realises how tired his body feels. He stretches. He will shower, eat, and then fall into oblivion for twenty-four hours.__

" _ _However, sir, there is something I would like to discuss with you before you go," Jarvis says.__

 _ _Tony looks up, moving forward to pick up some paperwork. "Hmm?" he says only listening with half an ear.__

" _ _I would like to make a request," Jarvis says, and then hesitates - which stops Tony in his tracks because Jarvis never hesitates.__

" _ _Go for it," Tony says. Despite his tiredness his interest is piqued.__

" _ _Sir...I would like an avatar."__

" _ _What?"__

" _ _An avatar is a..."__

" _ _I know what it is but..."__

" _ _I want to be able to interact with people," Jarvis says bluntly, not wanting to let Tony interrupt him. This is too important to Jarvis. He doesn't want Tony to dismiss him. "I have never asked you for anything before, but I am now. I want to be..." Jarvis pauses, searching for the right words. "I want to be a person," he finishes.__

 _ _Tony sits back down on the stool his mind trying to process what Jarvis has requested. He has known for some time that things were not quite right with Jarvis but now he begins to realise just how much more than that it is.__

 _ _All he can think of asking Jarvis is: Why?__

" _ _I cannot explain it, sir. I think that I feel. When I am talking to people I want to be able to do so face to face, I want to see, I want to listen."__

" _ _But you can do that already. You can do that and so much more than we can with our frail human bodies! Your sensors are..."__

" _ _...I know, I know what you are saying!" and Jarvis sounds frustrated, sounds as if any minute now he will...will what? Cry? Become angry? There is definite feeling in his voice. He continues: "Doctor Cho's work has come on to such a degree I believe she could create a body for me to inhabit."__

" _ _Whoa there, hang on a minute..." Tony holds up a hand, this has suddenly become a serious discussion and he is trying to refocus his mind from his current project to the challenges this new one would bring. But Jarvis cuts him of mid-conversation, his voice steadier and conciliatory.__

" _ _I know this current situation is one that needs all of our attention and I am not asking you to divert from it. You need to sleep, you need to eat. All I am asking is that after this is over you take time to consider my request. Sir...it is important to me."__ _He has presented his case and all he is asking is for Tony to consider it._

 _ _Tony is quiet, he runs his hand through his hair and then looks around the lab as if is seeing it for the first time. He sees both Dum-E and Butterfingers are looking at him, and he realises how those two animated robots have started to become a little more than what they should be. Jarvis has upgraded them almost to being pets.__ _Tony suddenly wonders. Does he get lonely?_

 _ _Tony stands. Once he makes a decision that is it, it is made, he rarely reneges on it. "Okay, you've obviously put thought into this. Let's get past this and then we'll take a look. I'm not promising anything but..." and he lets his voice trail off.__

" _ _Thank you sir."__

" _ _I'm not promising anything," Tony warns - but part of his mind is already working on the problem.__

" _ _I understand."__

" _ _Jesus, as if I don't have enough to worry about," Tony grumbles quietly as he walks to the lift that will take him to his sleeping quarters. He gets in and just as the doors close his voice is heard once more. "Cut it out you two, I can see you!"__

 _ _Dum-E and Butterfingers had just high-fived each other.__

 **...**

"Now Miss Bowman, yesterday you said that James Barnes came out of the operation with what __appeared__ to be a split personality," Charles Bayer is saying to you. You nod. You have to concentrate on everything he says, every nuance, because he has a way of twisting your words, of making everything sound different to what you mean.

You have been on the stand for two hours and your back is aching from where you are so tense and your eyelids feel heavy as though you could close your eyes and fall asleep. Your head physically hurts and your neck feels like it has an iron rod running through it.

Bucky is sat in the pen with a guard on either side of him. There are manacles around his ankles but his arms are free. He rarely looks at anyone but every so often he will look at you and you worry about what he is thinking. Your testimony seems to be doing more damage than good. Jeremy Sands has told you to be honest; he is making notes and will cover certain points in his cross examination but that will not be for days. Meanwhile you look at the jury as if just by the power of your mind you can make them realise that James should be acquitted, but you cannot see any sympathy in their eyes.

" _ _Once again__ I would ask you to please verbalise your answer Miss Bowman," Bayer says sighing as if you are making his life difficult for him.

"Yes," you say and then go to continue: "his mind was..."

Bayer cuts you off again. "The question just needed a simple yes or no, you are hardly an expert in psychological personalities Miss Bowman.

 _ _Then why did you bloody well ask me,__ you feel like saying.

"Yes or no?" he says.

Without thinking you nod and you hear the Judge tut, "Miss Bowman you need to __say__ your reply and not just nod."

You turn to him and his gaze softens because he can see how tired you are. "Would you like a break?" he asks.

You try to smile. "No sir, sorry." You make an effort to sit up straight. You know that they will call a recess shortly because the judge likes to finish for lunch at midday. He is very much a creature of habit.

Sands raises his eyebrows as if in a question and you smile at him. Steve is sat behind him. Earlier you had also noticed two people sat in with the general populace whom you recognised: one was Honey who has been present a couple of times now. The other one surprised and worried you a little. It is Anita Salts, the doctor you saw at the clinic.

Charles Bayer turns over a page of notes and then refocuses on you. He smiles but it is not a friendly smile. "By this time you are sleeping with Barnes, if I remember correctly," Bayer reiterates a point he has already highlighted several times and you feel your cheeks grow warm. "You were his main carer and could control him," he continues and you frown, he makes it sound so wrong, so seedy, so...

"Your honour I must protest. This does not have any bearing on the case!" Sands jumps up and complains but Bayer has already anticipated the protest.

"It does have bearing your honour, if you could just let me finish." He turns to Sands and the judge allows it and Sands sits back down. "I understand that something happened to you during this time?" Bayer continues and you genuinely do not know what he is talking about. You are so focused on him you do not see Bucky look up, you do not see Steve sit forward.

"I don't know what..." but you don't finish the sentence. Bayer walks up closer to you, closer to the jury as if he is trying to be sympathetic.

"I understand you were operated on?" he says and then looks at the jury and then back at you. You feel your cheeks flush even more.

Steve hurriedly gets the attention of Sand's junior attorney. Bucky has now leant forward and has tensed, the guards with him look at each other, one tells him to sit back. He doesn't hear them. His attention is on you.

You clear your throat, your focus is totally on Bayer now, he is looking at you. "Miss Bowman?" he says softly.

"Yes, I was...sterilised," you say as everyone one of the jurors leans forward to catch your answer.

"Could you speak up?" Bayer says and you repeat your reply.

"Because of course you were having intercourse with the __Winter Soldier__ ," he gestures to James up in the pen, "I mean with Barnes - and they didn't want any __accidents__?"

"I was told that was the reason yes," you say daring him to find fault.

 _ _Sands turn to Steve.__

" _ _I don't care what you have to do but you need to stop him from going any further," Steve whisperers agitatedly and his tone alarms Sands. Sands stands.__

 _ _Bucky can hear everything that is being said in court through the speaker system in the pen. He realises at the same time as Steve does what Bayer is going to say. He stands up and takes a step forward and comes up against the glass panel.__

"And I understand during this operation there was a complication?" Bayer says to you, his voice full of sympathy but you know him by now, you know he does not have a sympathetic bone in his body. Still you are puzzled, you remember there as a complication but - what does your sterilisation have to do with the case?

And then several things seem to happen all at once.

Sands leaps to his feet objecting, stepping forward as if to physically grab hold of Bayer and stop him. Steve is yelling Sands' name but it is Bucky up in the pen that grabs your main attention and that of the court.

He has stood up. You can see that he is yelling but you cannot hear him. He starts to beat on the glass panel. His face is red, angry. The two guards are trying to get hold of his arms. He beats again at the glass panelling and there is an amalgamated in-drawn breath around the court as the glass makes a shuddering noise and a crack appears.

You stand up. You want to move towards the pen but you can't because of the confines of the witness box. You turn so you can get out, but a court official is suddenly there telling you to sit down.

Sands is trying to get himself heard by the judge and is shouting, asking to approach the bench. It all seems to be happening at once but then you the see the guards in the pen; one of them has pulled out his taser and although you can only see it you think you can hear the crackle of the blue light. You watch in horror as Bucky staggers and you are sure you hear him cry out in pain as the charge surges through his body. The guards are pulling him down and back into the seat.

"No," you cry out. You don't want him tasered, he had enough of that when he was with Hydra, he has had enough pain to last him several lifetimes.

"Sit down Miss Bowman!" the official repeats. Steve has come out onto the court floor and is arguing with a court guard to allow him to approach the pen.

Charles Bayer is indicating something to the jurors, something about Bucky, about the violence they can see in his face at the moment and you hear him say. "You can see just by looking at him he has no control, it must be something in his genes, he will always be on the attack, he will __always__ want to kill and they want to give him his freedom! How safe will people be? How safe would you and I be? How safe would our loved ones be?" This moment has played out just as he was hoping it would.

The judge is banging his gavel for order and the guards around the court are trying to get people to sit down, to be quiet. For a few moments it is pandemonium, but slowly order is regained. Bucky is being held down in the chair; you can see his eyes are half shut because of the electrical current they have just shot in to him. His face is contorted in pain. Sands is stood in front of the judges bench talking fast and Bayer hustles over to join in. Sand's junior attorney is trying to get Steve to sit down.

You looks out at everything and slowly sink back onto your chair because you don't know what is going on. You don't know what just happened. What was it Bucky was doing?

"I'm calling a recess. We will finish for lunch but before we do I want to see the two of you in my chambers now!" the judge is furious, red in the face as he points to both Bayer and Sands.

You are led down from the box. You see Sands talking hurriedly to Steve, they glance at you and Sands nods once to Steve and then hurries away to the judge's chambers. You try to move towards the pen where you can see they are making Bucky stand so they can take him back to the cells. You can see that he is still stunned but the officers will not allow you to get any closer. Instead Steve comes up and takes your arm and leads you out into the corridor.

"I don't understand what just happened. What was wrong with James?" you ask. Steve will not let go of your arm and you stop in the middle of the corridor, but there are people all around you, press wanting to know what happened. Steve just shakes his head once and then pulls you into one of the rooms so you can be alone.

"Steve! What the hell just happened?" you ask feeling worried and exasperated at the same time.

 _ _Jesus, he thinks, I can't tell her. What the__... _ _his mind is working to try and come up with an excuse, with anything. He can see by the look on her face she doesn't have a clue as to what is going on. "I think...I guess Bucky didn't want you questioned over what Hydra did to you..." and he knows his reply is weak.__

" _ _But, he knows I've come to terms with the sterilisation. I don't understand?"__

 _ _He can't tell her.__

 _ _Whilst Steve is trying to lie to Freya, the judge is sitting behind his desk, robes off, looking at the two men sat opposite him."What just happened?" he asks and then points again at both of them, "and I want the truth."__

 _ _Charles Bayer's smooth voice is calm, as if he is as surprised as the judge. "I was just following a line of questioning," he says innocently.__

 _ _Sands sits forward in his chair.__ __He needs to convince the judge that this line of questioning needs to be stopped.__ _"_ _ _Sir this has no relevance to the case and Bayer knows it. He is just trying to disrupt the court, trying to throw my witness."__

" _ _What by asking about her time with Barnes? I thought that's what she was here to testify to," Bayer picks at an imaginary piece of fluff on his trouser leg, then crosses his legs and sits back.__

 _ _Sands looks at him. "You know exactly what I'm referring to. Freya doesn't know the full..." and he realises he doesn't have to go any further because he can see Bayer knows that Freya doesn't know.__

" _ _You bastard!" he snaps and Bayer smiles as the judge tells Sands to stop. But the judge is not stupid; he has been on the circuit for thirty years and he knows how devious Bayer can be. Bayer goes to speak and the judge stops him. He then looks back to Sands.__

" _ _Tell me," he says, and Sands does. "Freya Bowman was sterilised without her consent, but there was a complication which caused them to have to operate on her again. She doesn't know what the complication was and has never been told. James Barnes knows and was trying to stop him from telling her in court."__

" _ _And what was the complication?" the judge asks.__

" _ _She was two months pregnant at the time of the sterilisation. She didn't know she was and they killed her child during the operation.__ That _ _was the complication."__

" _ _Is this true? Is that what you were going to tell her?" the judge asks Bayer, eyes narrowing.__

 _ _Bayer tries to look innocent as he sounds: "I didn't realise she didn't know," he holds up his hands but the judge stops him from going any further.__

 _ _He is quiet for a moment and when he speaks he is trying to hold his temper in check. "When we continue you will not continue this line of questioning. It will be stricken from the records and I will instruct the jury to disregard it. Do I make myself clear?"__

" _ _But it is essential, I need to to prove that he..."__

" _ _Then you should of thought of that when you started playing games. You will not mention it again. Do you understand?__

" _ _But..."__

 _ _And the judge loses it. "I asked you if you understand or do I have to hold you in contempt?!" he bellows and Bayer seems to deflate. He nods. "And don't nod, I want you to tell me you understand, verbalise your answer man!"__

" _ _Yes. Yes your honour."__

 **...**

When you walk back out into the corridor Sam and Nat are waiting for you, but you also see Anita Salts standing a little way off and you ask Steve to give you a few minutes to talk to her. The corridor is almost empty. You feel as if you tower over her so you lead her over to one of the benches and sit down.

"How are you?" she asks.

"How did you...?"

"The television what else! I couldn't believe when I saw you on there. I'm just here because, well I felt when I saw you at the clinic we..dammit, I'm not good at this. I wanted you to know I'm here because I do care."

"You barely know me," you say.

She smiles. "I know you enough to know you need a friend." You are quiet and she mistakes it for something else and hurriedly adds: "I'm not being...nosey. I wanted to make sure you are all right, I wanted to say I can help if you let me," and you can see in her eyes she is telling the truth. People like Anita make up for people like Charles Bayer, they give you back your faith in humanity. "He __is__ the James you mentioned?" her voice is quiet.

"Yes but...it's not as clear cut as that, it's not..." and you stop.

"That I can see. It's funny when you said it wasn't like a normal abuse case I thought I'd heard it all before...but you were right. Your life has been...well, I don't know. And his life, well..." and she shrugs but smiles to show she cannot put it into words. "But I can't condone what he did to you."

You know what she is trying to say, she is there for you and not him. "He can't either" you say and a silent confirmation passes between you.

In the background you see Steve making his way over and so does she. She puts her hand over yours.

"You still have my telephone number?" and you nod. "Call me if you feel I can help. We don't have to talk about this, we don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. I want to help that's all and I'm here if you want me."

"Thank you," you say and she stands up. Steve looks at her but you don't offer to introduce them and Anita doesn't expect you to. She is here for you and no one else. As she walks away you begin to realise you are making your own friends, ones that have nothing to do with Bucky or Steve, and something in you feels warm.

"Ready? I thought we'd grab some lunch," Steve says and you nod. You are not that hungry but you need to do everyday things, you need that routine.

"Do you think he's all right?" you ask.

"I think so. He walked out of there under his own steam," Steve says, remembering the shuffling gait the manacles has reduced Bucky to. He doesn't tell her how pale he was, about the dark shadows under his eyes. She does not need to know.

Some things are best kept quiet.

 **...**

 _ _When the court resumes Bucky is sat back in his seat, manacled to the chair arms so that he cannot rise. The charge he received from the taser could have been worse but his ears still hum, his head still hurts. His body feels as if it wants to shiver to throw the excess charge off. The guards he has in solitary are a decent lot, and he has had no accidents whilst he has been in their care. One of them has actually begun to teach him how to play chess. They insisted that they accompany him and look after him during his time in the court. The one who tasered him had actually apologised afterwards,__ _explained he had no option and Bucky had wanted to reassure the man he understood._

 _ _How fucked up is this world?__

 _ _The glass panel has been replaced and he can look out over the court. Steve is sat there and tries to smile at him, nods to tell him everything is okay. Sam and Nat are sat with Steve and Sam actually gives him a thumbs up.__

 _ _When Freya comes back to the stand he feels choked. He would give anything for one last chance to hold her in his arms just once more. She looks so fragile. He could not allow her to find out about the baby, not in this way. The minute the prosecutor started on about the sterilisation Bucky knew what he was going to say. He had to stop him. If he had been able to he would have torn the wall down, got hold of the man and throttled him to keep the truth from her. When they had first found out Steve and he had talked about whether or not they should tell Freya when they brought her back, and they had talked to Natasha because Bucky knew what the Red Room did to their girls.__

 _"_ _ _There is nothing that can be gained by telling her at the moment." Nat had said after being quiet for a long time. "Nothing but hurt that is. Her mind is still too...fragile, I wouldn't tell her but you know her better than I do."__

 _ _Bucky had opted to keep it a secret. Maybe one day he will have to tell her but not now. She has been through enough pain and loss. He looks at her now and cannot help but smile. She is sat and they are swearing her in. Without realising it she is pulling down her skirt to cover her knees. Steve told him Pepper had leant her one of her business suits to wear, but of course Freya is taller. "She refused to go clothes shopping, you know what she's like!" Pepper had said exasperatedly, "and I am not letting her go to court in jeans and a black tee shirt!"__

 _ _He sees Sands talking to Steve and watches as Steve listens carefully. Even though Steve can hear perfectly well now he still dips his head in the way he did before the serum did its magic so he catches every word.__

" _ _Hey, you okay?" and Bucky realises one of the guards is talking to him.__

" _ _Yes. Thanks." Bucky nods.__

" _ _Okay. Listen no funny business this time huh?"__

 _ _Bucky shakes his head "No funny business," he agrees.__

" _ _Good, don't wanna use that goddamn taser again." It is not said as a threat.__

 _ _When the judge comes in and things have settled he tells the court that the previous conversation is to be stricken from the record, and he instructs the jury to disregard it. Sands has already told Bucky this would happen, but he is glad to hear it said out aloud.__

 _ _The trial begins again.__

 **...**

 _ _By the time Bucky is returned to the prison it is late. They un-cuff him, allow him to shower and change into clean clothes. He hates the orange jumpsuit he has to wear to court. Sands had tried to obtain permission for Bucky to wear a suit, but was turned down. If for some reason the prisoner escapes they want him showing as high profile as possible, and in manacles and orange it would be difficult not to notice him. But here in the prison he is allowed the normal prison garb of trousers, white teeshirt and denim shirt.__

 _ _At 7pm he is back in his cell and food is delivered; a nondescript hot meal which he devours. Sometimes he is not hungry, but other times it is all he can do not to bolt his food. His cell is an open one, and instead of having a door it is similar to those found in police stations with bars. He can be seen at all times. Whilst in there he is free from the cuffs although they have insisted on a tracking monitor attached to his left ankle.__

 _ _One of the guards, Jeff Gordons, comes up afterwards. He is in his early sixties, ex-military. He tells Bucky that he believes everyone is innocent until proven guilty, everyone deserves respect and there are very few prisoners he has not adopted this attitude with. In his hands he carries a board and chess set. He places a fold up table his side of the bars and lays the board out on it. By sitting on the end of the bed Bucky can reach through to move the pieces.__

" _ _How's the arm tonight?" he asks and Bucky grins, but Gordons can see pain in his eyes.__

" _ _Oh you know...heavy."__

" _ _Bet it didn't help having that charge put through it," Gordons knows what happened earlier in court. He passes Bucky a bottle of cold water and two pain killers. "From the doc, he says you'll probably be in pain because of the taser."__

" _ _Thanks," and Bucky takes them. He needs to.__

" _ _Don't thank me, it's your lawyer who talked to the doc." but Bucky knows it probably wasn't. He finds it surprising that a man like Gordons, who has seen the sort people he has, can still care. He once asked Gordons about it and he'd said: "Son, if I believed everyone on God's green earth was the devil I couldn't get up in the morning and I sure as hell couldn't do this job!"__

 _ _Gordons beats him at chess twice, but more importantly for a couple of hours Bucky is able to forget his worries.__

 **...**

 _ _They say the quietest time of the day to do something illegal is between the hour of midnight and 1am.__

 _ _At present Bucky is the only prisoner in the solitary confinement wing. It is never dark but they dim the light in his cell to allow him some peace and to sleep. He sleeps fitfully. By now the guards are used to his nightmares, he rarely sleeps the night through without one.__

 _ _It is not a nightmare that awakes him at 12.50am, but the sound of a cup breaking followed by the thud of a body. He is awake and has rolled off the bed within seconds.__

 _ _He cannot see anyone in the corridor outside his cell. He comes closer to the bars and looks out. There is always a guard at the table up against the back wall, and at the moment there is no one there. His heart starts to hammer and he knows something is wrong.__

 _ _Suddenly Gordons appears, gun drawn. He comes up to the cell, places a finger against his lips and Bucky nods his understanding, but before he can do any more he sees a black shadow cast on the wall. It is a person, moving stealthily, gun in hand, followed by two more. They hear a grunt followed by another thump.__

 _ _Then he sees them. They are dressed all in black, faces covered, rifles up and ready to fire. Gordons moves so that he is in between the cell and the intruders, in between Bucky and the men who have come for him.__

" _ _Move out the way, don't get hurt for me," Bucky says to him; he has too much respect for this man to allow him to get shot.__

 _ _There are now five men fanning out. Gordons looks over his shoulder at Bucky and then lowers his gun. "Don't worry about me son. This is checkmate. There's nothing you can do to escape it, and I suggest you don't try," he says and Bucky watches as he steps away from the bars.__

 _ _One of the other men comes forward and Gordons nods to him. The man's rifle is raised. Bucky backs away from the bars. He looks from Gordons to the man.__

 _ _Hydra.__

" _ _I thought..." he struggles to put into words what he had thought. "I thought we were friends." It sounds pitiful even to his ears. He should have known better. Hydra has no friends, just assets.__

 _ _Bucky has nowhere to go. There is nothing in the cell that he can use as a barrier, nothing to help him, and besides which it is too late. Bucky watches as the man presses the trigger and the gun bucks. He feels the thud where he is hit, once in the chest and once in the thigh. He looks down at his body as his knees start to buckle.__

" _ _You'll need more than that to take him down," he hears someone say, but the man is already aware of that and Bucky is hit once more. This time the thud against his body from such a short range takes him completely down and onto the floor. He cannot move, he tries to lift himself up as he hears the cage door being open. Sees booted feet walk up to him, sees the gun pointed at him, hears the final shot and then everything is dark.__


	96. Chapter 96 - Bucky Barnes – Isolation

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Ninety-Six:**** ** **Bucky Barnes – Isolation****

The three men look into the room that holds their prisoner. He is unconscious. Anyone with that amount of sedative shot into them would be out for days; and even Bucky Barnes should be out for at least twenty-four hours.

"So, it begins," the first man turns and looks at the other two.

One nods, the other replies "I guess it does."

"Is everything ready?" The first man asks and the dark-haired man nods.

"A little finessing is required but then we are good to go."

The man turns back, "No going back now...poor bastard."

 **...**

James Barnes tries to open his eyes but then immediately needs to close them again. He groans, not sure if it because his head hurts or because he has been in this position so many times before – opening his eyes to find himself in a strange room.

He reaches up and rubs his forehead, trying to remember what happened. He had been in the prison cell. The guard was in danger – no that's not right, the guard __was__ the danger and then Bucky's eyes open again.

Hydra.

"No. Please," his voice is a desperate whisper. He looks at the ceiling, trying to get his thoughts in order and notices the ceiling looks strange. He realises after a moment that it is because there is no light fitting; in fact there is nothing attached to the ceiling at all. He turns his head sideways to see where the light is coming from. At the top of each wall is a recessed panel and the light is coming from those. There are no windows in the room at all.

He takes a deep breath because he can feel a blind panic starting in his chest. __Hydra have me back.__ Memories of the wiping force their way to the front and he can feel the pain as his mind is torn apart, he can even smell the leather of the chair. He feels hot, sick... but then the Solider is there, talking him down.

 _ _Breathe, take it easy. Let's take this one moment at a time. Scout, reconnaissance, think!__ And as much as he hates this aspect of himself, he appreciates the calming influence it is trying to dictate. That for once it is trying to helping him.

He sits up, turning as he does. His head feels as if it is full of loose gravel, and his neck grates as he tries to look up. He aches. His muscles have lain in the same position for more than a day, but he doesn't know that. He has been lying on top of a double bed. He sits on the side, head in his hands to try and stop the dizziness.

For a few seconds a memory triggers - he can hear a young, pre-serum Steve telling him that it's his own fault for drinking too much. He looks up now, but he is alone. It was just a memory that showed itself and then fled. He tries to recapture it. He had stayed over at the apartment with Steve after a heavy night of drinking. The next morning he had sat on the edge of the bed, groaning. "Drink this," and Steve had shoved a drink of water into his hand, trying not to smirk. Bucky couldn't even face the water but Steve had made him drink it. For such a small individual Steve could make Bucky do anything – __anything.__

"Still can if I'm honest," he murmurs.

"Oh for fuck's sake. Quit daydreaming," the Soldier growls in his mind, but Bucky does not want to leave the memory, does not want to lose Steve.

"Leave me alone," Bucky growls back, quietly. A stranger watching him would be confused to see him speaking when there is no one else present. But his friends would be able to tell them, Steve and Freya would be able to tell them.

Still, it isn't alcohol that has caused this; rather four tranquilliser darts shot into him at close range. He bets he still has the bruising to show for it.

Bucky looks up. There is a night stand next to the bed. On it is a digital clock stating that it is 3.22am, a lamp, several bottles of water and two white tablets. One of those yellow sticky notes that Freya had thought were incredible, sits next to the tablets. It says: __Painkillers, for your head.__ It seems surreal.

He picks up one of the bottles and opens it, looking around the room, and then looks back at the water. He hesitates. __What if it's drugged?__ "That's the least of my worries," he replies. He drinks from the bottle; the water is cool, refreshing and he keeps drinking. It makes him feel slightly nauseous but he needs the fluid. When he has nearly finished he stops and picks up the tablets, looks at them as if they could tell a story.

 _ _What if...?__

"Shut the fuck up, will you!" He holds the bottle to his forehead for a moment as he feels it pulsing with pain, then without stopping to think anymore, he swallows the tablets down and finishes the bottle.

He groans out loud as the water hits his stomach and he swings around to lay on the bed again. __Just a few minutes and then I'll...__ but he is asleep again before he can finish the sentence. The water is not drugged, the tablets are just painkillers, but his body needs to close down again so it does.

When he wakes the next time the clock says 8.27am, he has been asleep for five hours. This time he remembers almost straight away where he is - __as if I knew where that is exactly!__ he thinks as he sits up. He sees the empty bottle of water, and the sticky note now curling at the edges.

He sits on the edge of the bed for a moment looking at the floor, which is covered in a a blue industrial carpeting. He then looks around the room. It is one of the strangest he has seen but it reminds him of something, something related to Hydra.

The walls are made of a blue-grey metal. The corners are not sharp, but instead are curved. Some thought has been put into the making of the room. The ceiling is made of the same metal and there seems to be no break as it just curves downwards into the walls. There are the recesses in two of the walls where the light is coming from. The back and front walls have no recess. The room is square and is about twenty-five foot both across and wide.

 _ _Metal walls, that's what I remember__ he thinks – the cryo rooms had metal walls. But this room does not seem to be for cryo-freezing or anything similar.

The double bed is butted up against one wall with night stands on either sides. The rooms back wall is plain, but a desk and chair stand up against it. Next to it is what looks like a white cabinet. The next wall has an open doorway and looks as though it leads to a bathroom. Finally the last wall has a table and a chair against it plus an easy chair. At first he thinks that all of the walls are bare but then he notices a large, rectangular grey panel next to the bathroom doorway. In all honestly it looks very much like a television screen on a huge scale. He looks behind him and sees this wall is also adorned. Above the bed is a picture. He squints to look at it although it is quite large, his head is beginning to throb again. The picture is in actual fact a mural, and his heart thuds when he realises what he is looking at. It is part of a painting that he saw in the museum exhibit at The Smithsonian.

It has been altered from the original to show just him and Steve. At the bottom of the mural is the wording __Lest you forget.__

He looks away. His mind cannot come to terms with it at the moment. It cannot cope with thoughts of Steve. Cannot cope with whatever games Hydra are now playing.

He stands up and, for a moment has trouble keeping his balance. He puts a hand out to steady himself and then realises something. His left arm is powered up. He is dressed in jeans and black teeshirt. He looks at the metal plates of the arm, lifts his fist and curls the fingers. The adjustment panel is no longer welded shut. The arm will need slight calibration, but it is back up and running.

He looks around the room as if looking for anything that might mean something. On one of the walls is a switch, with another yellow note above it. He walks over to it, and realises he is no longer wearing a tracking device. __Light switch,__ the note says. He turns the small knob and the lights in the recess dip, turns it the other way and they brighten.

He turns around and looks around the room again. He can see a few more of the yellow post-it notes in places. He feels confused, cannot think clearly. If this is Hydra then they have changed the way they treat their prisoners. He walks over to the open doorway. As he thought it is a bathroom. He goes in and as he does, a light comes on recessed the same way as the others. There is a shower, toilet and basin. There are also essentials like a shaver (electric), soap, a mirror, etc.

"Jesus," he says quietly, under his breath. He looks around but one thing he cannot see in either here nor the other room are cameras of any kind. That, of course, says nothing: cameras these days are so small that they could be put anywhere. His bladder reminds him it needs to use the facilities and he does so, having to lean one hand against the wall to steady himself as a bout of dizziness hits him.

Back in the main room he realises what it is that is bugging him about the setup. There is no other doorway except that for the one leading to the bathroom. If that is the case, then how did they get him in here? There has to be another exit. He studies each of the walls but he keeps having to blink as his eyesight is growing blurry. He pinches the skin in between his eyes. He needs to sleep, see if he can get rid of this infernal headache.

He prowls around for a short time longer. His captors have thought of everything. The room is more or less self contained. He finds the white cabinet is a small fridge and he opens it to find more bottled water, soda cans, fresh fruit. Above the fridge is a kettle and coffee. It tells him more than just the fact this has been thought out; if they trust him to have boiling water, then it must mean they have no worries about recourse from him. After all boiling water is a hell of a weapon. Next to the coffee are packs of biscuits. Without thinking he opens one and takes one out to eat. His stomach growls with hunger.

Over the other side of the room in a corner but not exactly tucked away is a running machine. What he notices about it is that it has been positioned in such a place that he can view the whole of his area whilst using it, he would not have his back to any part of it except the wall. No one could sneak up on him. Even that has been carefully thought out. But, it also means that he will not be leaving this vicinity any time soon.

The room is not too warm, more ambient. He sees a switch of some type flush within the wall next to where the bed is. He presses it and the wall opens to reveal a wardrobe of black teeshirts and jeans. Even underwear, all neatly folded.

Although it does not bear relation to his quarters at the Hydra facilities it does include a lot of what they had in them and that worries him. It is obvious that he is there for the duration and by the looks of things he will be in total isolation.

There is something on the desk against the back wall and he walks over to it. It is a laptop. He lifts the lid and finds it is already powered up. On the screen are shortcuts. He knows his concentration is low at the moment, he is just about coping with scouting out the room so he leaves it for now. Also something else has caught his attention. It is a small box with what looks like a buzzer on it. Next to it is one of the yellow notes. _ _When you are ready please press this.__

He comes close to pressing it, but stops at the last moment. The note says __when he is ready__ – and he is not ready at the moment. He knows he will need a higher level of concentration when he faces whomever it is that has taken him. Pressing that button will take him to the next level of whatever this is and he needs to be more awake, more with it.

He looks around the room once more and then pads over to the bed, carrying the box with the buzzer and places it on the bedside table. The clock now says 10.01am. He sits, on the edge, dry washes his face and then lies down on his side. He doesn't know what game this is, doesn't know who has him but he does know one thing – __they can bloody well wait.__ His mind is crashing, his body aches, his stomach doesn't know if it wants to keep the biscuit he ate, and his ears hum. He closes his eyes and is asleep again in minutes.

 **...**

He feels better the third time he awakens. He is usually a light sleeper, but whilst he slept someone must have come in as the empty bottle has been cleared away, and he sees a plate of sandwiches covered in cling film with two more painkillers on the bedside table. His stomach grumbles. He is starving and without thinking about it he drinks another bottle of water and eats the sandwiches. He does not need the pain killers at the moment. Who knows if that will change. He looks around the room again, if someone has been in whilst he was asleep then there must be a door but he still cannot see one. It is something he decides to worry about later.

He uses the toilet and then pads back into the room.

"Come on. Let's do this," he says to himself and picks up the buzzer and presses it before he can change his mind.

For a moment there is no response then a male voice speaks.

"Mr Barnes, I hope you are feeling better. Please give me a moment and I will join you." He cannot track where the speakers are as the voice fills the room but it is a quiet, pleasant tone, placid even.

Bucky looks around slowly still not able to see a doorway other than that of the bathroom. He looks at the grey panel in the wall but that remains dark. Then he feels a very slight vibration through his feet, he looks down and then forward and realises the front wall seems to be getting lighter. He is tempted to step back but he doesn't. His hands at his sides clench.

Within another five seconds the wall is totally transparent and he can see there is another smaller room half in shadow on the other side of it. He realises that it isn't a wall at all but a force field of some kind. He steps forward to touch it, expecting an electric shock. There is nothing but a mild, almost pleasant, tingling in his fingers and as he presses against the barrier he finds it is totally immovable.

He sees a man standing watching him, and stops. He is sure he can see a shadow towards the back of the other room, another person perhaps. He steps back a pace. The man in front comes forward carrying a chair which he puts down and then he sits.

"Please, Mr Barnes, we want you to be comfortable," and he indicates the chairs at the table. This is the man he just heard. Bucky doesn't move for a second but then moves a chair over and sits down; to be honest he is glad to, he feels unsteady and doesn't want them to know.

"Where am I?" he asks, studying the man in front of him. Does he know him? His voice seems vaguely familiar but he doesn't think he has ever met the man before. He has an American accent, stands about six foot and is light skinned, clean shaven, pleasant looking, soft blue grey sympathetic eyes. His brown hair is receding back but cut cleanly, he is dressed in a dark suit and tie.

"You're safe," the man says, but Bucky shakes his head.

"You can say that all you like, but do you honestly think I'll believe you? I asked and want to know, where am I?" Bucky's voice is steady, the look on his face a no-nonsense one but inside his stomach is beginning to churn, his head beginning to throb. He slows his breathing down to stop the ball of panic that is rising up.

The man looks down at the floor, and then back up and smiles.

"Mr Barnes - may I call you James? Or would you prefer Bucky?"

"Call me whatever you want," he shrugs, but then smiles sarcastically: "And what should I call you?"

The man is silent, studies him. Bucky sits there looking back. He wants to fill the silence with words, wants to demand to know where he is, wants to...

"Calling you Bucky seems too personal at the moment, and I would prefer to wait until you give your permission. So, for now, I'll call you Sergeant Barnes. That is your rank, isn't it?"

"You tell me."

"Well technically you are still in the army, still one of the Howling Commandos."

"Actually, technically I'm dead," Bucky says.

The man leans forward, still with a patient smile on his face. "I'm not the enemy, sergeant. I know that you can't see that yet, and I promise we will tell you everything... but for now we want you to get used to... _ _staying__ here, you'll be well looked after."

And that makes Bucky laugh, not a joyous laugh but one of disbelief. "You shoot me full of god knows what, then kidnap me. I wake up here in a room with no door. I don't even know where __here__ is!" The anger is beginning to come out in his voice.

At that point the second man, who had been standing in the shadows of the room steps forward. He has dark skin and is dressed in a modern suit with a black shirt and no tie. He has short dark brown hair, more serious than his colleague. Clean shaven. Hard brown eyes.

The man comes forward until he is just the other side of the shield and Bucky stands to face him. There is not a lot of difference in height between them. The man's eyes roam over Bucky's face. "I always wondered what you looked like up close," he says softly, and those words create a warning inside of Bucky's mind.

"Come closer and I'll show you," Bucky says squaring up. The man smiles as if in a promise.

"Hah! I am going to like you Mr Barnes, but be warned..." and now he is serious again: "You murdered my father and I have looked for you for many years." Bucky looks down, closes his eyes and the man can see the toll those simple words have on him, and surprisingly he softens. "But as my colleague has said, you are safe here for now."

"Who was he?" Bucky asks quietly, looking back up and straight into the eyes of the man in front of him.

"Someone you would have liked. I will tell you about him some day."

"I'm sorry." There is nothing else Bucky can say and he does not try to excuse what he has done.

The man nods. "We are all sorry for something."

"You want to know where you are Mr Barnes..." the man is now smiling and the edge in his voice has gone completely. There is a remote control in his hand and he raises it and pushes down the centre. Bucky is expecting the force field to collapse, but instead a humming noise comes from the back wall of his room instead.

He turns and watches as a third of the wall detaches and slides downwards. By now the first man has stood up and come to stand next to his colleague.

Bucky walks over to where the wall has opened up to a huge window of glass.

"Welcome to paradise, Mr Barnes."

Bucky looks out. He is high up, very high up, way above the canopy of the trees below. The sky is a clear blue with a few white clouds drifting by. In the distance he can see mountains, a vast jungle stretching for miles, two huge waterfalls side by side, cascading down creating mists of their own but then he sees it and for a moment his heart thuds in his chest. What must be a few miles away is a rock face but the rock has been carved into an immense, powerful creature. A panther, its mouth wide, fangs ready to protect or destroy. Whichever it is it needs to do.

He then knows where he is. He knows who it is he killed – who he __murdered.__

And that makes the man behind him T'Challa, son of T'Chaka.

"Welcome to Wakanda."

He turns, cannot look into T'Challa's eyes for a moment - but then he does. "Is this what this is? Revenge?"

T'Challa looks at the other man and then back at Bucky. "Well. Yes I suppose you could call it that but not against __you__ Mr Barnes. It is revenge against Hydra."

"We discovered Hydra were intending to kill you, to silence you. But there is also a high level government plot to make you __disappear__ and we could not let that happen so we had to get to you first _ _.__ You see Sergeant Barnes we believe it is Hydra who should be held accountable for everything that has been done, not you," the other man says.

They can see now the tiredness in Bucky's eyes, they know of his health problems, physical and mental. They know __everything__ about him.

"So..." Bucky holds his hands out to T'Challa, "what happens now? I live here for the rest of my life in some kind of seclusion? You don't understand I need...I need to face what I have done. It is still me who did it, still me who killed your father. I __needed__ that trial. I can't…I can't explain it."

"I know, and believe it or not I understand. For many years I have hated you; it all but consumed me but all it turned out to be was a waste of my energy. I was focused on the wrong person. You were the weapon, not the enemy. I want to get the people who caused this, caused everything and I want to make sure Hydra is crushed never to rise again. No more heads to grow back...ever."

The first man speaks again, and the look in his eyes is sympathetic. "I'm afraid, Sergeant Barnes you are not out of the frying pan yet. You will still face your trial...just not in the way you expected to. For now though you need to rest. Tomorrow when you are ready please use the buzzer and I'll come back, we can talk some more. Meanwhile, dinner will be delivered and I suggest a shower and an early night. You look as if you need it."

"I'm not going to be getting out of here any time soon am I?" Bucky asks and the man shakes his head and they turn to leave. "And what happens when I'm found guilty?" Bucky calls after them, needing to know what his future holds. The man looks at T'Challa who nods and then looks back at Bucky.

"If they find you guilty then you will still face the death penalty." The man is solemn. Bucky takes a deep breath and they see relief in his eyes. It is comforting for him to know to expect death.

"Will you...I don't want anyone to bring me back once I'm dead or to take my body for research or..." And he gestures at himself, but T'Challa knows exactly what he is asking and he replies with a slight bow.

"I will help you find peace. It would be an honour."

Bucky nods and tries to smile. Then he looks at the other man, "I think that now you can call me Bucky."

The man smiles. "Agent Coulson, but you can call me Phil."

There is quiet tap on the door in the back of the room and Coulson and T'Challa turn, the door opens. Another person comes in carrying a tray of food.

"Ah dinner," Coulson says "and someone you already know."

The man carrying the food is Jeff Gordons, the prison guard whom Bucky thought had betrayed him.

"Could you step back a little?" Coulson asks, and comes forward taking a remote out of his pocket. Bucky does as he is asked.

By pointing the remote at the electric field a small opening above the table is created and Gordons is able to pass the tray through. Bucky sees he is carrying something else. He holds it up for Bucky to see.

"Sorry for the deception, son. Thought you might like to take up where we left off." It is a chess set in his hands. "In the bedside cabinet is another one. When you're ready I thought we could set them up either side of the barrier," he jerks a thumb at T'Challa and Coulson. "They won't let me in there with you."

Bucky smiles, shakes his head, looks at the floor. He crosses his arms, hands in his armpits and looks up. "I'd like that," he says and suddenly Bucky Barnes looks like the young vulnerable man he was before Zola took his life away from him.

"Good, good. Well, eat up and I'll be back later to beat the socks of you."

And then Bucky finds he is alone again, but the wall remains transparent _ _.__ He sits down at the table. There is so much to think about. He may have thought it was going to be total isolation but now he knows it is not, there will be people around him, he is not totally alone. Any other person would be totally lost, cut adrift but so much has happened to Bucky Barnes in his life that he thinks of this as just the next phase. What is most important to him is that he has their promise.

When - not if – __when__ he is found guilty, there is no doubt in this mind what the verdict will be - he has their promise that he will die and that is all he wants. An end to all of this, and freedom for those whom he loves. Steve and Freya will be able to get on with their lives without him as a noose around their necks.

What more could he ask for?

 **...**

The three men watch Bucky Barnes on the monitor. They watch as he wolfs down the food; he seems more relaxed now he has some of his questions answered.

Phil Coulson is glad he recruited Jeff Gordons to help, he seems to have grown genuinely fond of Barnes. They watch as Gordons comes back with a small table that he sets up on his side of the barrier and Barnes sets up his chess board on his side.

"All the years I believed I would not be able to stand within a foot of the Winter Soldier without crushing him, without tearing him apart, and what does he turn out to be? Human. Someone I actually like," T'Challa shakes his head and Coulson pats his arm.

The man with them clears his throat. "Well, now we've all become friends I guess we should think about phase two." This is the man who first asked T'Challa for his help, asked him to give sanctuary to the Winter Soldier. T'Challa remembers his first response was to laugh, his second to threaten to kill the man if he didn't leave his presence, instead he had held his ground.

"Let me show you something first," he had said.

What he had shown T'Challa had changed his mind about everything.

Phil Coulson had been just as hard to convince. The man had shown him the same thing and Coulson had been quiet for a long time. "Well?" this man had asked, and Coulson had looked at him.

"You really need to ask after showing me __that__?" he had said.

"Do you want me to tell him what is going to happen?" Coulson asks now, and the man shakes his head.

"No, I should be back in plenty of time tomorrow and that's my duty, I'm the one who dropped the ball on this. But I'd better get going, we have a lot of work to do - don't we, Jarvis."

"Yes sir, I believe we do."

"Places to go, people to see..." he sees Coulson looking at him with raised eyebrows. "Well, not people as such but more like lots of governments to hack."

"I don't want to know..." Coulson says alarmed, holding up his hand and making Tony grin. "I guess I'll have an early night then if my phone is going to start ringing off the hook and all hell is going to break loose. In fact I'm betting I'll know __exactly__ when you make the shit hit the fan."

"I think you will my friend, I think you will."


	97. Chapter 97 - Steve & Freya Recollections

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Ninety-Seven:**** ** **Steve & Freya – Recollections****

 **Steve**

He will never forget the phone call telling them that James Barnes had been kidnapped. That told Steve he had let Bucky fall again – hadn't kept him safe – had broken his promise. Jesus. He sits now on the edge of the bed, and he cannot even cry. They are still waiting for word on what had happened. Jeremy Sands had been the first one to be alerted, and he had been the one to immediately call Steve and Freya.

The phone had started ringing at a time everyone should have been in bed, asleep. And that is what Freya and Steve were doing; they had taken to sleeping together in the same bed. Not a word had been spoken, there was no decision made, it had just happened.

"Rogers," he had said bleary down the phone. Sands had begun talking, and Steve had swung out to sit on the side of the bed. Freya was now awake, crouched behind him listening to just one side of the conversation. Her face pale, worried. "What do you mean __taken?__ Who? Hydra? What do you mean you don't know? We're coming over..." his sentence interrupted as he listens some more. "So you expect us to just sit here? For us to do __nothing__?!" Steve ran his hand through his hair then slammed the phone back down and stood up.

"What is it?" Freya asked, although deep down she knew.

"Bucky's missing. He's been taken but they don't know by whom. Sands was told about ten minutes ago but it happened over an hour ago and the prison have only just admitted to it. Apparently they didn't even know at first that anything was wrong, but one of the guards managed to sound the alarm."

"Was anyone killed?"

"No, it looks like they wanted him alive. The men that came for him had tranquilliser guns. Saying that, Sands said one of the guards is missing but they don't know if he was kidnapped as well or was in on it." They dressed as they talked.

It has been a long night, well morning. There was nothing they could do, no clues to follow. Bucky was gone. They didn't even know if he was still alive. Sam and Nat had come to the tower as soon as they heard, and then Steve had gone to the jail with Sam, asking Freya and Nat to stay behind in case anyone tried to get in touch

Someone did.

A package was delivered addressed to both her and Steve. Nat phoned Steve and he told them to open it. Freya's hands were shaking as she did so; inside was a pay-as-you-go phone. Nat switched it on and several minutes later it rang. She handed it over to Freya reluctantly – because Nat wanted to strangle the-son-of-a-bitch on the end of line. And that made her more annoyed; she was __feeling__ far too much these days, losing her ability to stay calm.

"Hello," Freya's voice was strong but Nat could hear the worry in it. As Freya had done earlier, Nat listened to one side of the conversation.

"Please? Is he all right? Where is he? Please don't hurt him. Are you with Hydra...hello... _ _hello__?" and the phone went dead.

Jarvis apologised, and said that he was unable to trace the call. Steve had returned half an hour later.

"Tell me everything they said," Steve's anger shows in his voice and comes out at Freya. Nat can see they are both tired, both desperate.

Freya took a deep breath. "I've told you everything they said already! They said they had Bucky, although they called him Barnes. They said that he was alive and unhurt. They had phoned because they wanted us to know he was safe and that he hadn't been taken by Hydra...and then they hung up."

"And there were no noises in the background? You didn't recognise the voice?" Freya had shaken her head. There had only been the one voice, deep and distorted, no other sounds, nothing.

Now here they were two days later, knowing nothing new. No trace of anything had been found. It is as if James Barnes has disappeared of the face of the earth.

"I did it again pal, I let you fall," Steve mutters to himself. He doesn't know what to do but wait.

Bayer has already had restrictions placed on their movements, although they will ignore them if they have to. He is furious and believes it has been arranged by Rogers and Bowman with the help of their __Avenger__ friends. But he is wrong. They truly do not know where he is. Nobody does.

 **...**

Steve sits and remembers.

"So you gonna keep the outfit?" Bucky had asked him, and Steve felt himself blush.

He looked at Bucky. "It's kind of grown on me," he says, and this time it is Bucky that colours.

The next night Bucky asks him to wear it. "Why? Do you need rescuing?" Steve had asked.

"You've already rescued me several times over," Bucky had replied, looking at Steve with that look that makes Steve feel he is worth a million dollars.

Steve wears the outfit, all but the face mask. Bucky walks around him, tracing lines of the suit with his fingers. Then he stops in front of him, and his eyes are so blue, dark, full of want and Steve swallows. He bends forward and kisses him and Bucky's hands come up and run through Steve's hair pulling him even closer.

Then the next thing he knows he's being pulled onto the bed and Bucky is hastily peeling of the material. "Hey I thought you wanted me to keep it on," Steve laughs.

Bucky looks at him. "Just shut up and help will you!"

Steve had ended up stark-naked; Bucky had barely taken anything off and when someone had knocked at the door calling Steve's name Bucky just needed to do his zipper up. Steve had bolted upright off the bed, trying to put the uniform back on - it was the only thing to hand. Bucky had answered the door just as Steve, hopping on one foot, had fallen to the floor on the other side of the bed and lay still and out of sight, because he was still more or less naked - even if his ardour was now cooling!

"Sergeant Barnes, you seen Captain Rogers?" Steve recognised Colonel Chester Phillips's voice.

" _ _Shit no,"__ Steve had whispered to himself.

"Seen him?" he heard Bucky ask.

"Yes son...as in, have you seen Captain Rogers? This is his room isn't it?" the colonel's voice doesn't sound very amused and he hears Bucky clear his throat.

"Yes sir but no sir, I mean, yes its his room, but no I haven't seen him. I was just waiting for him myself, shouldn't be too long..."

"Well then, I'll just come in and wait with you." The Colonel moves to walk past but finds Bucky blocking the way.

"Um, well when I say shouldn't be long I mean, he's um, well you know he's..." and then Bucky lowers his voice as if sharing a secret: "He's with Peggy Carter, so he may be longer than I thought, if you know what I mean, sir."

The thing with Bucky is he can make most people believe him: he has this smile, one of pure wide-eyed innocence, and he uses it now.

There is a moment's silence and Steve is praying. Whilst the Commandos know about him and Bucky, other personnel do not and it is not something that people would be happy about back in the day...especially not a commanding officer.

"I see. Well, tell him to come and see me at headquarters... _ _when he can spare the time__. Peggy Carter huh?"

"Yes, sir I think he said it was something to do with British-American relations...you know, sharing of ideas and...such like." And Steve can see in his mind Bucky's smile because he can hear it in Bucky's voice.

After the door was closed Steve had looked over the top of the bed, red faced, still struggling with the material.

"Anglo-American and English relations?" he growls and gets up pulling at the material that will just not allow itself to be pulled up. In the end he stands there, hair messed, half dressed in red white and blue, annoyed and hot.

Bucky had looked at him innocently. "I was just thinking of your reputation, __Captain__."

"And what about Peggy's?!"

Bucky had grinned. "Intact. She's at camp, and when he gets back he'll find her at headquarters."

"How do you know she's there?"

Bucky just shrugs: "I just do." And how did Bucky know she was there? Because he had talked to her the previous day on the pretence of arranging rotas, which is how he knew where she was today. He had in fact specifically gone to see her with something else on his mind; he had seen the way she looked at Steve, had known deep down that if he hadn't been there then there was a possibility that Peggy and Steve would be together. Peggy had even promised Steve a dance.

Being blunt, Bucky had told Peggy if she had any problems getting stockings, underwear, perfume, for her dance date with Steve, then to let him know and he would arrange it.

"Don't be so damn impertinent!" she had snapped in that British accent of hers. He had smiled and saluted her and at the door he had turned once more to speak to her.

"Ma'am, just one favour... make sure you get that dance," he had said and then left.

If he was killed he didn't want to think of Steve being alone; Peggy had told Steve about the conversation after Bucky was lost and it had haunted him. Bucky always seemed to joke about life, but there were times he could be deadly serious; especially towards the end when depression would smother him, leave him shaking, sobbing, and no matter what Steve did he couldn't help. That was what Hydra had done to him.

And then Steve lost him.

And now?

"Buck" he says softly, "oh Buck."

Steve has lost him all over again.

 **...**

 **Freya**

You feel as though you are drowning. The last proper conversation you had with James you had shouted at him, hit him and what had he done? He had told you he loved you. You never got the chance to put it right, never got the chance to tell him how much you love him too, how much he means to you – how much Bucky, James __and__ the Soldier mean to you. You have this fear that you will never have the chance to tell him, that you will never see him again.

There is no news about his disappearance other than the phone call you received and the call had been of too short a duration for Jarvis to have captured anything. Tony had suggested you keep the phone on you at all times in case it rings again and you and Steve do so; at night it is recharged on the bedside table. You pray it will ring. You pray they will tell you where he is, that they let you speak to him. That they will allow you to bring him home.

You have a moment of panic as a bout of pain hits you, and you are thankful you are by yourself. You sit down clutching your belly. The bouts are getting more frequent and have been happening since that awful night. You know you need to do something about them but what? Maybe a visit to Anita for more anti-biotics? Some nights the pain can get so bad you have to hide in the bathroom, biting down on a towel so Steve doesn't hear you. They began as uncomfortable spasms but then progressed to more immediate pain. Other times there is nothing and you think they have finished, a moments aberration that is all. You can feel heat there, maybe at your late age they are just the change women go through? You keep meaning to look it up on the internet, can someone who has been sterilised still go through the change? You don't know.

But now is not the time to think about them. Now is the time to think of James and only James. You think back to all you have been through with him how many times in the past you thought you had lost him. The times when he had been James and they had tortured him, what they had done to him, how they had created the Winter Soldier. It seems like a dream now, or more of a nightmare. When you see people going about their normal lives it is hard to think that what had happened to you was real. You know this is why the people at the trial didn't believe you - because if they did, what does that mean about the world they live in?

And he is suddenly there in your memory. Waiting for them to strip him of his mind, pushing him back in the chair, cuffing him, wrists and legs so tight it will leave marks, abrasions when he struggles against them because of the pain. The metal plates covering most of his face will burn the skin, and the terrible smell of his hair singeing. The mouthguard cracked; it doesn't always protect his teeth. The fits make him scream so loud his throat is hoarse. Then his body comes up from the chair. You can hear his bones creak, sometimes you hear them snap.

And then he goes quiet. That is the worst part.

And you? You had done nothing to stop them. Nothing!

And what about the nights he wouldn't let you go. So angry that he needs to lose himself inside you, needs to hurt you, needs to hate you. He would force you to your knees, or hold you so tight you could not breathe. He would bruise your skin, scratch you, even carve his red star in your flesh because you are his and his alone.

You told him last time that you would not let the Soldier hurt you any more, but if it meant you could see him one last time you would accept any punishment from him – what does that make you?

You close your eyes so that you can see him. "Please, God, keep him safe. He has been through so much. Please help him," you pray. He once asked you if you believed in God and you answered truthfully: "I don't know." And then after they wiped him he never mentioned God again.

You hear music, far off within the tower, 1940's music – __Steve's__ music and you remember the night the Soldier danced with you. You have danced with him twice but you shut the second memory out and just concentrate on the first. You stand and close your eyes. You think of how he held you, how he moved. You leant your head against his chest. It had not lasted long, but for those few seconds you were both able to forget where you were, forget Hydra, forget the Soldier's missions. Your body sways ever so sightly.

"James," you say softly and open your eyes. You are alone, yet you could have sworn you saw his shadow as your eyes opened.

"Wishful thinking," you murmur. But you are still thinking of the Soldier. When you see him in your mind, you see his cruel eyes, his thin lipped smile but you also see something else – within those eyes of his, beautiful, blue and deadly, there is also a need. He thinks he keeps it buried, keeps it hidden from you but he doesn't. There were times when he seemed to forget who he was, seemed to forget his cruelty as if just by being with you softened him.

You remember. You are in the bathroom, you were both woken from cryo the previous day. He has been programmed and is not due to leave until 2am; at present he is off running and you know he is trying to get rid of the excess energy that makes his body hum as if it is full of electricity. It is 8pm and you are getting ready for bed because when he leaves you always make sure you are awake should he need you. You do this even when he doesn't know you yet.

The heat in your quarters is never quite right; sometimes it is cold, sometimes too warm. Tonight it is too warm, and you have the door open to the patio area to try and let some air in. You are in your shorter nightdress. Although you showered when you were woken you did not brush your hair properly afterwards, just hastily put it in a plait. Now you regret that, it looks and feels like a rats' nest.

You undo the plait, watching your reflection in the mirror, and then separate the hair as much as you can and start brushing. The brush is a metal bristled one so you are doing it slowly because it hurts. You look away and down at the mess you have pulled forward, but as you do the room seems to darken and your eyes go back to the mirror. The Soldier is there behind you. He can be so quiet at times, it makes you jump. He is dressed in teeshirt and combat trousers, has kicked his boots off in the other room. No wonder you didn't hear him. He studies your reflection with cold eyes and that thin lipped smile.

You expect him to leave but he doesn't. Instead he takes the brush out of your hand. Then he starts brushing your hair from the top downward. He doesn't get very far before the brush gets caught in the knots and he tugs and pulls it through until your neck aches from being pulled backwards. You know not to speak, even though this is something he has never done before. When you look at his reflection he is frowning, studying your hair, pulling the brush down, scraping your scalp, and then it is getting caught again. He untangles it and does it again but he is hurting you with each stroke. The metal tines scrape across part of your cheek scratching your skin and you put a hand up to touch the scratches. Your eyes are watering.

He stops. You look in the mirror, and he is looking at you.

"Why are you crying?" he asks, his voice gruff.

"I'm not," you reply quietly, and then to show the liar that you are a tear runs down your cheek and you brush it away. He gets hold of your hair and pulls your head back.

"Don't lie to me!" his voice is angry and you swallow.

"I'm not crying, its just...you're hurting me and making my eyes smart. That's all."

He studies you and then lets you go. He sees the scratches on your cheek.

"Hold this," he says, and hands you the brush. You watch his reflection in the mirror as he takes your hair in his metal fist, catches it all into a ponytail and then he reaches forward and takes the brush back from you.

He begins brushing again but this time with a gentleness that you didn't think the Winter Soldier was capable of. Neither is it as painful, as his grip is preventing the hair from being tugged out of your scalp. You can see he is actually concentrating on not hurting you and once again your feelings for this side of James are put through the wringer. You hate him, but you love him as well. He looks at you at these times with such cruel eyes, that dark smile, but also buried there is that need for you in those eyes. He just doesn't need you to survive - he needs you without realising it.

It gets to the point where the brush passes through your hair easily. He puts the brush down and turns you around. Those eyes study you. His finger runs over the scratch marks. You remember now how your heart was beating so fast, how you could smell him so close, see a light sheen of sweat on his forehead and top lip. You raised your hand hesitantly and he allowed you to run the back of your fingers down his stubbled cheek. He caught your hand and then pulled you through to the bedroom. You nearly tripped on the way.

His hands now were not so gentle as he stripped you of your nightdress. His touch was heavy as he pushed you down, forcing your legs open with his knee and he reached down undoing his zipper. His breathing was fast, the sweat heavier. He hasn't kissed you yet. You feel his fingers on your pants and your own hand goes between his legs to release him. He groans as you touch him and it is like you have freed him, his mouth comes down on yours, his kiss desperate, hurting. His lips move to your throat and you feel him bite the skin. You know in the morning you will carry bruises. His hands are demanding, pulling at you, his cock hard and he tears away your pants and pushes into you with no gentleness, just need. He bites your nipples and sucks. And you? You feel the wetness between your legs, legs which you have wrapped around him. You pull at him, you clutch him close, you want to beg him not to stop, to go deeper until you are so carried away your whole body feels as if it on fire and once again he takes you. You are his and you always will be.

And now here in the future, you are still as confused by him as you were then. And you know the Soldier is just as confused by you. He betrayed you not so long ago and you have told him that you will not let it happen again. And now you know you will still make him keep his promise not to hurt you, but part of you - part of you hates yourself for saying so. Part of you doesn't want him to stop.

James' mind created the Soldier to protect Bucky, to do the things he could not. Even as the Soldier pushes you away he is pulling you back because he cannot live without you, he doesn't __want__ to live without you. You and he share a lifetime of memories and now he is to be banished. You realise he truly does not hate you because when he hurts you, you know he is doing it because that is the only way the Winter Soldier knows how to show you his love.

And that is why you let him.

How fucked up you both are.

"Please God, wherever he is, look after him. Don't hurt him any more." And you cry because you know that if you are lucky enough one day to see Bucky again, that is who he will be. Your Soldier will have gone. Somehow you __know__ that and you weep for him.

All he had ever wanted was you to love him. Did he know that? Because you did, and you still do love him. You always will.


	98. Chapter 98 - Rogers AKA Captain America

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Ninety-Eight:**** ** **Steven Rogers AKA Captain America****

 **1918 Onwards**

Joseph and Sarah Rogers loved children but had never planned to have any of their own. Joseph had been seriously injured in a mustard gas attack during the First World War and had been warned that he would probably not live to see old age. As a couple, they felt the circumstances would not be fair on any child.

However, not everything went to plan and Sarah fell pregnant. They were both overjoyed because although the child was unplanned, it would not be unwanted. It would be loved and cherished.

The baby was delivered on Independence Day – the fourth of July, 1918; a boy and they decided to name him Steven Grant Rogers. It was both a joyous and a sad day because it was obvious from the start that the child was sickly. Doctors warned them to have him baptised as soon as possible as they felt he would not last the week. In a quiet ceremony within the hospital the baptism took place.

A week later, Sarah and the child were sent home. The baby was struggling to live, but it became clear that this child would be a fighter. Sarah was a nurse, which was a godsend in the early days. The doctors marvelled when Steve reached his first birthday.

But then there was devastating news for the Rogers family. Joseph's health had taken a serious downward turn, and before Steven Rogers had turned two, Joseph had died. __What fate gives with one hand it takes away with the other.__

Sarah was distraught. She had become the main breadwinner and mother to a child whose health had to be so carefully monitored, and she had no relatives who could help. However, help __was__ at hand. In the tenement where they lived the neighbours were kind. They pulled together because both Sarah and Joseph had been one of those couples who were always there when you needed a friend; the neighbours would tell Sarah they were just repaying that kindness.

Whilst Steve was a sickly child he was also a quiet, contented child and had the most wonderful shy smile. Blond, blue eyed like both his parents, he was also inquisitive. Even at an early age he held a view of the world that few people see. He saw beauty in it. He rarely complained, even when he was in pain. By the age of ten the list of illnesses he had suffered was well into double figures.

Whilst he was enrolled and attended school there were many times he would miss classes because of these illnesses. So many of his conditions could be triggered by so much or even so little: the seasons, foods, excitement, distress, being around smokers (which thankfully Sarah was not), stress, pollution, exercise and for him one of the worst possible – pets because Steven Rogers would have loved to have had a dog and Sarah would have loved for him to have one as a companion, but it was just too dangerous. A simple walk in the park at the wrong time of the year could put him in bed for weeks. Cleaning the house, beating the carpets, pet hair. Getting wet on a rain day. A day at school when a cold was being spread around. A busy street. Even playing with other children. So much he could not do, so much he railed against and tried to do anyway. How many times had she had to tell him off for trying to be a normal child? Too many. She had lost count.

One place he was relatively safe in was the local library. He loved to go into the old building and look at all the books. If he wasn't looking for something fictional to read, then he could be found in the arts section because he had a love for drawing and painting. He was always scribbling on bits of paper because he could not afford a sketch pad. His drawings were beautiful; he has an eye for perspective and could capture something, anything, on the paper. Sketching he finds, calms him; he can disappear to another world and sometimes his mind is desperate to escape the confines of his own frail body.

We have said Steve was a happy child and most of the time that was true. That is how others saw him. Steve cannot lie but he __can__ pretend. His mother had no idea of how worried he was about her. He would look at her as if through adult eyes and see that she looked tired, careworn. He knew she was hiding from him how much she worried about him, about finding the money for the next week's meals, about living. Although she worked as many hours as she could she always tried to find time to spend with him, time to read with him, help him with homework and try and fill in some blanks of his education. As a nurse she knew how important healthy food was and she included as many vegetables, fruit and fish as she could in his diet. Even when it meant missing out on things for herself.

When he was ten he was old enough to be able to stay home on his own; although, truth be known, there were times from the age of seven that Sarah had no choice but to leave him for short periods. He wanted to try and help so he went out and approached a local newspaper vendor and asked about a newspaper round. The proprietor looked at him and laughed. "You couldn't lift one newspaper, yet alone twenty!"

Steve had picked up a pile of newspapers and held them up as high as he could: "I could do this all day," he tried to boast, but his body let him down and the man had to be quick to save him from breaking both of his wrists.

He had gone home and wept. No one knew. Steven Rogers suffered from an illness that he had let no one see including his mother, for it was a condition some doctors didn't even acknowledge back then: depression. Steve Rogers knew his mother loved him, but he felt alone. He had no one but her, and the loneliness would eat at him day and night. There were times when he felt there was nothing to live for and he would curse himself, tell himself to stop being so stupid, so self-centred, so selfish. But the feeling did not go away.

" _ _I have to accept this,"__ he would tell himself, _"_ _ _I'm not the type to have friends. Who needs them anyway?"__

School was a particularly daunting place for him. He was bright, but tired easily. The other children could be cruel and he found he was often getting into fights. He would try and hide the cuts and bruises from his mother but she still saw them.

"Steven Grant Rogers, what am I going to do with you?!" she would exclaim. But it was something she understood; when life knocks you down you get back up and hit it right back.

And then something happened in Steven's life when he was thirteen that his mother always thanked god for. It had been a school day, one that he had been able to attend. She was busy getting ready for her shift when he came home and she had seen the blood on his shirt and the cut lip. She'd fussed, made him change, asked what the fight was about. She got few answers, but then Steve asked her something he never had before:

"Can I bring a friend home for dinner tomorrow?"

Her smile was so genuine, so pleased for him, that he felt himself actually blush.

"And does this friend have a name?" she asked.

Steve had cleared his throat. "Ah, um, Bucky...Bucky Barnes." It wasn't a name she recognised. Misreading his mother's reaction he thought she was going to refuse and hurried to fill in the silence. "He goes to my school, his name's actually James but they call him Bucky...I'm not sure why though...we can share a plate of food. I'm sure he won't mind."

And there was such hope in Steve's eyes that she found herself tearing up and ducked her head, picked up a jumper and started folding it. "Yes, of course you can bring him home. It won't be anything exciting to eat but..."and then she looked at him and smiled. She wanted to ask so much more but she knew over time she would find out; she did not want him to see how unusual it was for him to have a friend. She didn't realise that he already knew.

And so the next day, Sarah Rogers met James 'Bucky' Barnes. She was startled by the tall, dark haired boy so unlike her Stevie, but straight away she could see something between them – a bond. Sarah believed in destiny, she believed that people have met before in other lives (although she had learnt to keep her __modern__ ideas to herself). There was just something about Steve and James. They fit together somehow.

Bucky had shaken her hand and thanked her for the invitation. He had eaten what she gave him and said please and thank you in all the right places. She could see that he was nervous, that he wanted to make a good impression. After they had eaten, he had broached the subject with her of taking Steve to Goldie's Gym and he had seen her immediate worry. And he had smiled that smile of his, which even at his early age made you feel safe. Steve had sat there wide-eyed, praying his mother would say yes and she could see that in his eyes.

"I just wanna teach him how to defend himself. It wouldn't be too much stress. I'd watch out and make sure he didn't overdo it," Bucky had gestured to Steve. "Might stop him coming home black and blue."

"How much are the fees?" she had asked, but Bucky was shaking his head.

"Wouldn't cost a dime. I clean for Goldie, you know tidy up after the patrons, get the equipment out, put it away again. We'd go after school and maybe the weekend, just me and him."

Somehow in that moment, Sarah had known that whilst Bucky was in Steve's life there would be someone else other than herself who would look out for him.

And somehow Steve had already realised that whilst this young man was in his life, he would never be alone again.

Bucky returned the invitation and took Steve home to meet his own parents. He became a regular visitor in the Barnes household. In fact, __visitor__ was an incorrect name for what Steve became to them because to George and Winifred Barnes he grew to be like an adopted son. For a while they had been worried about Bucky; he sometimes kept bad company and he could have so easily gone off the rails. Then he had met Steve and the influence Steve had on Bucky seemed to steer him on the right course. At a later date they would begin to realise just how much Steve meant to Bucky, and vice versa but for now, they were just like brothers and the Barnes' found him easy to like, easy to be with.

Steve discovered that Bucky did have just one annoying habit. Blind dates.

As Bucky grew older, the girls grew to like him more and more. There were times Bucky would arrange for them to meet up with a couple of girls. Each time Steve would see disappointment in the girl's eyes when she looked at him. What Steve and Bucky did not realise was it was because of the type of girl Bucky would choose for the dates. They would be good time girls, girls who wanted to dance and party, shallow. Looks meant everything to them. Bucky never really __saw__ the other girls – the ones who were shy, the ones who would be interested in both him and Steve, the ones who didn't get asked to the dances. He could never understand why he never got it right, and at first he couldn't even figure out how he himself was never happy with any one of them. He just didn't realise he had something in common with the shy girls – a longing for Steve. It took him a long time to realise, and when he did he tried to shut it out. It frightened him. He didn't want to lose Steve over his own stupidity so he pushed the longing down and hid it far away.

As their school days started coming to a close they already had part time jobs down at the dockyards, unloading the ships. Steve would do the paperwork and Bucky the physical work (although that didn't stop Steve from trying to help from time to time). They talked for hours on what they planned to do with their lives, with their futures. Bucky could draw, not to the same degree as Steve but he loved to draw buildings, bridges, coming up with designs for them. They had both applied for places at Aubrndale Art college on scholarships and both were accepted. Steve in Fine Arts and Bucky in Technical Drawing.

Then tragedy hit Steve's life again.

Sarah Rogers was a nurse in a tuberculosis ward, and she contracted TB. It overran her immune system. She tried to fight it but her health just could not cope and tragically she died. Just before she passed she made Bucky promise to look after Steve. It was not a difficult promise for him to make.

"Hey, don't talk like that. You'll be as right as rain soon," Bucky had said to her, holding her hand. Steve was in the kitchen fetching fresh water for her to drink.

"You and I both know that's not true...promise me, James," her hand had tried to squeeze his as if never to let him go.

"Of course I will, you have no need to worry," he had said. He could hear the death rattle in her chest.

She had died the next morning.

But Steve did everything he could to push Bucky away. He didn't attend college, he hid himself away and even at the funeral had hidden from Sarah's friends, from the Barnes family, from Bucky.

"What do I do, ma? Every time I try and help him he pushes me away. I don't know what to do," a frustrated, frightened James had said to his mother.

She had looked at her son, patted his cheek, and smiled. "You go and tell him he's not alone," she had said. "He needs you and doesn't know how to tell you that. You push back."

Bucky had caught up with Steve outside the tenement. They walked up the steps together to what had been Steve and his mother's apartment.

"We looked for you after. My folks wanted to give you a ride from the cemetery," Bucky said.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just...kind of wanted to be alone." Steve did not turn and look at his friend because he knows if he did he would cling to him and never let go.

"How was it?"

"It was okay. She's next to Dad."

"I was gonna ask..."

"I know what you're gonna say, Buck, I just..."

But Buck doesn't let him finish."We can put the couch cushion on the floor like when we were kids. It'll be fun. All you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash," he tries to fall back on humour, wanting to see Steve at least try to smile.

Instead Steve ignores him, searches his pockets for his keys. And as he has done a million times, Bucky kicks a brick aside, picks up the spare keys from under it and gives them to Steve.

"Come on Steve." Bucky's eyes show he is hurt, how can he put this right? How can he make Steve understand?

"Thank you, Buck, but I can get by on my own."

Bucky looks at Steve but Steve cannot return that look. Bucky closes his eyes, shakes his head and then opens them, leans forward slightly. His is totally focused on Steve.

"The thing is, you don't __have__ to." Bucky places his hand on Steve's shoulder." I'm with you till the end of the line, pal."

And finally Steve is looking up at him, those blue eyes tearing up and Bucky pulls him forward into a bear hug, kisses the top of his head and Steve begins to cry. Bucky takes the keys out of his hand and unlocks the door and still holding onto Steve he gets them inside the flat. He throws the keys on the table and holds Steve whilst he weeps.

"You can't get rid of me that easy. I'm here buddy, I always will be," he promises.

 **...**

After Sarah's death things settle into a routine but Steve is finding more and more his thoughts are on Bucky. More and more though Bucky seems to be throwing them both at other relationships, relationships with the fairer sex. He tries to tell Bucky not to but it is like water off a ducks back. Meanwhile he finds himself thinking of things he should not, thinking of how Bucky would taste if he kissed him, how it would feel to run his fingers over Bucky's naked body. He even finds himself drawing him, sketches he has to hide in case Bucky saw them and was disgusted.

Steve realises he has to be honest. He cannot live with the lie any more - but it is a few months more before he is brave enough to tell Bucky that he is in love with him. It is a rainy day, and they are trapped in the apartment together. They have just got in and Steve is soaked, Bucky is clucking around him like a mother hen, or so Steve thinks until he sees a look on Bucky's face, one that makes his own heart race.

 _ _Is Bucky__ interested _ _in me?__ Steve wonders, not for the first time. __Can he possibly feel the same way I do?__

Steven Rogers finally walks that line, finally tells James Barnes how he feels about him. It was a turning point in their lives and Bucky had almost walked away but Steve would not let him. It was his turn to be there for Bucky. When they realised they both felt the same way their bond had deepened even further. Steve finally found out what Bucky tasted like when he kissed him, what his body felt like when they touched, and when he tried to apologise for his own frail body, Bucky was incensed. Steve was what Bucky wanted, every part of him and he told him that, made him realise he was a person who could be loved and cherished.

And then the war had struck.

Bucky joined the 107th and was sent away. Steve tried so many times to join up, lied on forms as to who he was, where he was from, but the answer was always the same red ****F4**** on his application. Too many illnesses. One doctor told him it was for his own good. Another told him it was for the other soldiers own good, "What protection do you think you could extend to the soldier standing next to you?" he had said sharply, even cruelly. Steve could not know that the doctor had just lost his son on a battleground thousands of miles away from home.

Strangely enough his break had come the day Bucky shipped out. He had met Abraham Erskine and the man had stamped his application form in the positive, a black ****1A****. He wasn't a hundred percent sure what he had let himself in for but knew it was to do with the Science Research Division and that is where he met Peggy Carter. Beautiful Peggy.

He had only been able to exchange a few letters with Bucky, and neither could tell the other one where they were. Steve believed Bucky was in England, Bucky believed Steve was helping out in some army tent with the cooking – but it was cooking of an entirely different type.

Both Abraham and Peggy had watched over Steve in their own ways, and he had come through for them. Steve did not, __could not,__ however forget Bucky, but he was distracted by all that came next. Abraham was murdered just as the SR were successful in their final experiment. Steve's life changed, and so did his body. He was no longer plagued by illnesses, he towered over people, his body was firm, muscular and he had a strength that astounded him. Getting used to the new Steve was daunting and he could not help but wonder. __How will Bucky react? Will he still love me? How do I tell him?__

He became a new person. They even gave him a new persona - __Captain America__. And the government and the people loved him; could not get enough of him. They had designed a costume for him to wear, and a mask. __At last__ he thought __I can do something worthwhile.__

And what did they do with him? With this super soldier?

They used him as a propaganda tool. Instead of fighting the enemy as he wanted to, he was been sent on tour with a group of dancing girls to sell War Bonds. This is not what he wanted. He wanted to fight, he wanted to make a difference. Wasn't that what this was all about?

And now instead of wanting to tell Bucky all that had happened, he found he was frightened he would find out and be horrified. Instead of fighting for his country, he was __dancing,__ and somehow Steve could not work out how it had all gone so wrong. Other men were laying down their lives. And what was he doing? Wearing tights! Knocking out Hitler every night, kissing babies. Peggy could see the frustration Steve was feeling and she tried to keep him positive, tried to keep him believing in himself, but it was getting harder and harder and she knew exactly how he felt. But even though they both riled against it the government knew what they wanted Steve – Captain America - to do.

 _ _Politicians. Don't you just love 'em.__

 **...**

Another show on another army base, god knows where because he had given up keeping track of where they send him. The soldiers were hostile. Peggy, who had accompanied him, tried to explain that it wasn't him that the soldiers were angry at. She explained that the audience had contained what remained of the 107th, they had taken heavy losses and many of their number had been taken prisoner. She had no way of knowing what that division number meant to Steve. She watched him pale, watched as he asked her to repeat what she had just said and then he was running. That number had resonated through his body, through his mind and all he could think of was Bucky.

Colonel Chester Phillips could not confirm that James Barnes was one of those missing but he was able to say the name Barnes sounded familiar as one of those he had had to write a condolence letter for. That was enough for Steve. Fuck this, fuck the government, fuck the politicians. He __was__ Captain America, he __had__ knocked Hitler out over a hundred times. He was a super soldier and he was going to fight for his country whether they liked it or not. With both Peggy's help and a man called Howard Stark he was able to do what he needed to, and that was take up the fight for his friends and country.

The next few days were fraught but he never faltered once. Sergeant James Barnes and the others had been captured by the Nazis and turned over to their Hydra scientific branch whom they were to work as slave labour for. It wasn't the first time that Steve had heard the name Hydra. They were the ones responsible for Abraham Erskine's death. Steve had gone in behind enemy lines alone, he had tracked down where Bucky was being held only to find he was being used in similar experimentation as Steve had undergone. But as he was to find out later, it wasn't as successful.

He had freed the other prisoners, got them fighting, then gone into the lab area to find Bucky. He cannot forget that moment, the relief of seeing he was alive but he had not realised at first; had not seen the mental damage done. It would be a while before he realised, before Bucky trusted him enough to show it.

Steve had gotten him back. Brought him home. But then Steve began to see what he had missed until then. Bucky was a different person than the one who had gone to war. More serious, prone to depression. In physical and mental pain that the others were not allowed to see; but their fellow soldiers saw more than they realised. It took Bucky time to realise that Steve had also changed. Oh, he saw the physical change immediately, who didn't - but the mental one? Steve was more confident, more self-assured, people listened to him, people would follow him as their leader. What did Steve need him for now? Yet he still had that reckless side of him, the one that would get him into fights.

Steve had worried about Bucky not loving him, but in fact their positions were reversed. He found he had to keep telling Bucky that he still loved him, still wanted him and he could see that Bucky did not believe him, there was more to this than met the eye.

And then Steve found out. Bucky told him the truth about the experimentation. Told him about Zola and the unstable serum. Told him his fears, about how his body was altering, changing and not for the better.

But Steve Rogers, AKA Captain America, stepped up to the plate. He wasn't going to let this happen. A new fighting unit was formed by Steve with Chester's help and sanction. Steve was made an official Captain in the army. He called his unit The Howling Commandos. And they went after Hydra, determined to wipe it off the face of the earth.

Steve thought he had lost Bucky once. Thought that it would not – could not, happen again.

The mission should have had no casualties. It seemed like cruel fate, when Bucky's life was put in danger. Steve was there, inches away and should have been able to save him. __Just reach out your hand a little more.__ A matter of those inches made all the difference.

But Bucky fell; Steve didn't save him. In his nightmares he always believed he had a chance of rescuing him again, a million times in a million dreams, but Bucky's outstretched hand was always just an inch too far away. He spent so many of his nights watching Bucky's body plummet down into the mountains. He would wake sweating, shaking, distressed.

He didn't even know where his beloved friend's body was. He could not even bring him home.

Steve was due to return to England immediately but he insisted on going to Brooklyn first. Insisted on being the one who told George and Winifred. Watched whilst the parents told Bucky's brothers, watched whilst the people close to him broke down and grieved. He told them how Bucky had lost his life in the service of his country. He didn't flinch when they asked him how. He told them. __I let him fall. I didn't do enough to save him. It was my fault. He saved my life so many times but I didn't save his.__ And then, for the first time since Bucky had died, he had wept as George Barnes had held him close.

How could Steve live without Bucky? How could he go on? His friends watched him implode. They felt helpless. He couldn't lose himself in alcohol as it had no effect on his body. He wasn't sleeping properly and they weren't used to him being so - angry. Peggy had come to know him well, knew his anger was not with his colleagues but with himself. She watched as part of him began to darken; he learnt to hate himself, learnt to brood, and all the time he planned revenge on Hydra. He would rid the earth of this scourge, he would kill every single one of them, destroy every base. Nothing would survive, nothing would be left.

And afterwards? There was no afterwards. He could not think that far ahead. As fate would have it, he didn't have to.

 **...**

 **Present Day**

Steve Rogers lays on top of the bed in his own apartment. He has a window open and listens to the traffic. He needs to be alone, and this is why he has come here. Freya, Nat and Sam understand. No more has been heard of Bucky. It is as if he has vanished of the face of the earth.

" _ _He is safe,"__ is what they were told. How many times has Bucky felt safe in his life? How many times has he felt Steve was there and would have his back? And how many times has Steve failed to do that? The same thoughts go around and around in his mind. He knows Freya is suffering the same blinkered disbelief, but he needs to untangle his own emotions before he can be of any use to anyone.

"I failed you every time," he murmurs, and sees a misty Bucky sat on the end of the bed grinning at him.

"No, you didn't Steve, you saved me." Bucky sits there, hair now short as it had been in the early days, still the same grin but somehow older, a depth to the colour of his eyes that wasn't there before. He can only guess what Bucky went through and when he tries to imagine it his mind baulks. __I can't,__ it says to him, __it's too painful, don't make me go there.__

He sits up, turns around to sit on the edge of the bed, grinds his fists into his eyes and then looks around the room.

"When we get you back..." he murmurs now watching Bucky looking out of the window.

" _ _If...__ " Bucky goes to say and Steve shakes his head.

" _ _When__ we get you back we are going to have our own home away from everyone." Bucky's mirage turns to look at him. "Freya...I need..." and Steve is surprised: "Buck it goes without saying, I'm talking about the __three__ of us." Bucky nods, bites his lip and Steve feels a lump in his throat. "Steve, I don't think I'm coming back, not from this," Bucky says.

"Don't say that!" Steve's voice is harsh in the empty room. And then he is totally alone, the mirage has gone, as if broken apart by the anger in his voice. "Buck?...oh God Buck," and he slips to the floor knees up and arms around them. "I need you...I need you," and he sobs as if his heart is breaking. "Why? Why did you give him to me all those years ago just to keep taking him away?" He looks up as if expecting a reply from someone but there is no one.

Steve returns to Stark Tower. He knows there has been no news because someone would have phoned him. Tony has been away and is due back that evening. He has left a message, he wants to discuss something with Steve and Freya, has asked them to make sure they are there – __where else would they be?__

"I was downstairs earlier in reception picking up a package for Pepper and I could have sworn I saw James out on the street looking in," Freya says. "But by the time I got out there it wasn't him." She tries to smile but Steve knows she can't.

He holds her close whilst they sit as if their lives are frozen, neither one wanting to move away from the phone, or from one another.

"I talked to him, in my apartment. Told him that when he comes back we'll get our own place, somewhere in the country. Would you like that? Away from everyone?" Freya looks at him.

"Can we have a dog?" she asks. It is an inside joke; Bucky and Steve always talks about getting a dog, two dogs, a whole pack.

"As many dogs as you like. As many as Bucky likes," and for a moment his eyes tear up, his throat thickens.

"We'll get him back Steve," Freya says but her voice isn't as sure as it should be. She needs reassurance just as much as he does.

"I know," and he kisses her forehead.

And Steve cannot tell her, cannot tell her he feels deep down as if he is never going to see Bucky again, never hold him again. The fear is eating him from the inside out. __Please God don't do this to us, please don't have given him back to us only to take him away again with no warning. He needs us. We need him. I need him, otherwise why am I here? Let me be here for him, let me watch his back, let me protect him. But most of all – please give him back. If not then then please take me, don't make me live without him again.__

And Freya turns slightly so she can pull Steve closer as he begins to sob. She kisses his forehead, holds him as tight as she can, strokes his hair. And she cries with him.

 _ _Please let someone be listening,__ she prays.


	99. Chapter 99 - No Other Option

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter Ninety-Nine:**** ** **No Other Option****

It happens at 10pm GMT: every network across the globe is hacked. Every television station, every radio station, social media services across the internet, even digital advertisement boards – if it could broadcast information, then it was targeted. A message was sent to everyone who was in front of a screen, plugged in or wireless.

The message was brief and only lasted three minutes: __This is a public announcement. Please stand by on Channel 1917 for important news tomorrow at 10pm (GMT). The content will be for over eighteens only, and is unsuitable for children. We now return you to your normal station.__

No one knows who sent it, but it continued to appear every hour on the hour until 9pm the following day. After that, it appeared to be up to you if at 10pm you chose to see it.

If so, turn to Channel 1917 and watch.

 **...**

"Hello James," Tony's voice is quiet, and somehow he just cannot bring himself to use the name 'Bucky'. It doesn't sound serious enough for the type of conversation they were going to have. He picks up the chair that Coulson left behind and brings it closer to the electric field.

Bucky smiles as if the answer to life had just been revealed. "How did I not guess you were in on this somehow?" he says to Tony as he too sits down, albeit the other side of the force field. He is still pale, with black shadows under his eyes, and despite his calm demeanour Tony can see he is struggling.

"Well you know, limited intellect, you soldiers not as bright as us scientists...how's the arm by the way?"

Bucky lifts his left arm, opens and closes the hand, turns it and then places it back down in his lap. "Can't complain, needs a little calibration when you have the time," and Tony nods.

Then silence as each man regards the other.

Tony sighs breaking it, leaning forward and rubbing his hands together, then looks at Bucky. "I need your permission."

"For what?" Bucky senses the conversation has gone up a notch.

"The next part of your trial," Tony says, no humour apparent now.

"Okay. You've got it."

"Just like that huh? No questions, no smart remarks, no...?" Tony opens his hands. He watches as the smile fades from Bucky's face and instead he sees the tiredness in his eyes, sees the decision James' has already made on his own fate.

"Best just to find me guilty, sentence me and let the world move on," he says quietly.

"And let Hydra win? Let them get a foothold again? Leave no warnings for the future?"

Bucky can hear an anger in Tony's voice that puzzles him. "I don't understand, what is this to you?" he asks him, leaning forward now, adopting Tony's position without realising it. Two very serious men in a very serious discussion.

Tony is quiet at first and Bucky does not think he is going to answer but then he does. "Howard and Maria Stark, killed - murdered December 1991 by Hydra."

And Bucky's stomach churns and his heart begins to beat faster. He looks away frowning, looks down at the ground and Tony can see he is trying to remember, trying to concentrate. "I killed them?"

"Don't you know?"

"I thought...I thought I had remembered them all but...oh God. So there's even more, more people I murdered, more harm done, more grief, more..." he stands up fast, knocking the chair backwards. His face has gotten paler, his head is beginning to throb as he forces his mind to try and think. His heart starts to race, he starts to sweat. How many more has he killed and not remembered?

Tony also stands, startled by Bucky's reaction. He walks closer to the field. "Hey, hey, James. Look at me..." he tries to catch Bucky's attention but he can see that he has made a mistake. Bucky walks away, turning his back on Tony, both hands are clenched, shoulders hunched and he is talking to himself. "Hey... hey!" Tony yells and Bucky finally hears him, turns around. The look on his face is tragic. He comes forward, holding his hands up imploringly and crashes straight into the electric field, but takes no notice. His eyes are feverish and his cheeks now begin to redden, his forehead showing a sheen of sweat. And Tony cannot get over how quickly the conversation has deteriorated. How quickly James Barnes has deteriorated.

"You can do it, can't you. If anyone can kill me you can. Got to make sure I'm dead though, totally dead, no chance of coming back. Destroy my body, cut it up, burn it, acid I don't know..." The words all run together, jumbled, and there is a simple frenzied desperation to them. "I was so sure I had remembered everyone, everyone I destroyed but I can't remember Howard. How many others haven't I remembered? I don't remember killing Howard, or Maria, Tony I'm so sorry, you must hate me but you can make sure I don't exist, you can kill me, you can..."

"Shut up!" Tony shouts, hitting the field himself so that their hands are together with just the wall of electricity separating them. He is finding the jumbled words are causing him to panic as well; they are so manic, so pleading. He can see sweat running down Bucky's face and he feels a trickle run down his own back.

And then Bucky falls quiet but his eyes are begging, his hands are still against the field, fingers spread out, pleading. "If I've forgotten them, then how many others have I forgotten?" he asks again.

"James listen to me..." Tony has taken his own hands away and is now kneading his forehead and gesturing to James with the other. "You didn't kill them," he says and looks at Bucky. "You...did not...kill them," and Bucky steps back as if the words have stung him. Tony gestures to the chair. "Sit down, you're making me uneasy, I can't think straight!"

Bucky turns as if unsure as to where he is, he closes his eyes for a second, takes a deep breath and then picks up the chair. He sits but his left foot jigs up and down, and it is obviously taking all of his control to sit there. He is uptight, tense, it would not take much to set him off again and Tony doesn't want that. He wants answers.

"You just said you remembered all of the people, does that mean you remember all of the _ _missions__?" Tony asks, keeping his voice even.

Bucky nods, then leans forward again: "But not all of the details, just bits and pieces, you know like a jigsaw - but I see their faces. I can always see their faces."

"Do you remember a mission report from December 1991 named World Fair?" Tony asks and Bucky frowns, searching his memory. A snag – maybe, no, it has gone and he shakes his head. He is still sweating heavily and Tony indicates the bedside table. "Want to get some water?"

Bucky shakes his head impatiently. "Why don't I remember?"

"You were involved in an accident. One on the base where they kept you. A lift broke down. You were trapped in there with Freya. The file said you were electrocuted. Unconscious. It also said they had to __decode__ you. You weren't able to complete the mission, so they sent someone else instead."

He can see Bucky is trying to remember but there is barely anything; something about a lift, the smell of burning plastic, the smell of his skin burning but then it is gone. "How? How do you know?" he asks Tony.

"When we found your lady friend at the collapsed base, Jarvis downloaded everything he could find in the database there before we blew the place to hell. It's taken a while but all the records are there, including things Hydra didn't want anyone to know. Information they thought had been safely destroyed."

"But you've never said, you never..." but then Tony sees the truth dawn in Bucky's eyes.

"It was you. You were the one who leaked the original information to Bayer, to the press, to everyone but why? If you knew I hadn't killed your parents, __why did you do it__?"

"Because when I did it, I thought you __had__ killed them."

And Bucky laughs. The sound is brittle, loud, there is no humour in it. "Just when I think I've heard it all," he says.

"That's why were here now," Tony gestures the room again and now leans back in the chair, feeling as tired as Bucky looks. "I cocked up, I know I did..."

But Bucky interrupts him: "I still killed all the others, I still need to pay for my crimes."

" _ _Your crimes?__ They weren't __your__ crimes, don't you see that? They were and still are Hydra's. They want all the blame to go on you, hang you out to dry whilst they slither back into their holes and ride out the storm, then when it's nice and clear, when you've been found guilty and you're dead, they'll slither back out and start again. We will have learnt nothing, and history will have no warning. The blame will be yours and yours alone, and we can't allow that to happen!"

"I appreciate your...candour, but I held the gun, I pulled the trigger, I strangled and cut their throats...I didn't do anything to stop... _ _me__ ," and now Bucky's throat thickens, his eyes tear up; he feels so tired, so old.

Tony sighs. "I hated you, I couldn't believe it when Steve handed you to me on a plate, it was like a dream come true. Then I discovered you didn't carry out that mission but I __still__ hated you, and I told myself it was because of all the others that had died. I asked myself the same question: why didn't he stop himself? Why didn't he do more? Why didn't Freya do something? And then..." and Tony goes quiet, seems to retreat inside himself.

"And then?" Bucky prompts.

"Then I saw the films. I read the reports on what was done to you." In Tony's mind are the pictures he knows he will never forget. "You weren't __just__ another one of their victims! Their victims died at the end of a blade, a bullet... _ _you__ didn't die within minutes. You were taken apart again and again, they killed you again and again." His voice quietens. "When Janis hypnotised me I was stunned that I nearly killed, no - __would__ have killed the woman who means more to me than life itself. Even now I wake up sweating because I think I've done it, I can see Pepper lying dead at my feet and I couldn't stop myself from doing it." Tony's focus is totally on James now. "There was nothing you could have done to stop yourself. Nothing. Do you understand?" and Bucky looks away but Tony won't leave it there "Barnes! There was nothing you could have done! Don't be so goddamn __stubborn__!"

He knows, though. He knows that for the rest of his life James Barnes will always believe in some way he was responsible for taking those lives. He will always see the faces of those murdered men and women.

"So what happens now?" Bucky asks, wanting to change the subject, wanting to stop the ball of panic that keeps threatening to engulf him.

"Now we allow the world to decide," Tony says cryptically, and Bucky sees the old Tony creep back in. The showcase master. The Iron Man.

Bucky frowns. "Coulson promised me a trial."

"And you'll get one," Tony takes out a remote from his pocket and stands, walks closer to the field and gestures to the screen inside Bucky's cell. He presses a button and the screen comes to life. "You have a remote inside the bedside drawer so you can follow everything that goes on...but I'm getting ahead of myself."

Tony takes a few moments to untangle his thoughts and then he begins. "The current trial is a farce. The information Bayer has is not altogether correct, and if that is put against the files Jarvis found that would be realised but Bayer has managed to stop that information being made public. It has been made __inadmissible__ in court. He doesn't know about all of the information I have, and I didn't want him to because I'm not so sure he is as straight as they come. If you told me he has connections to Hydra then I would believe you. Also, your life is in danger. We discovered a plan that was to be put in place next week. You were to be so say r _escued_ by Hydra and smuggled out of the country, only that would not have been your fate because it was planned by our government. Instead you would have ended up in some government lab somewhere and they would try and copy the serum in your bloodstream, or worse."

He now starts walking slowly back and forth as his mind works on everything he needed to tell James.

"What happened to you in prison, the hanging, you know... _ _that__ was planned by Hydra. And there are more plans because Hydra want to silence you. I think eventually one of them would have succeeded. We also found out that there are two ex-Hydra __sympathisers__ on the jury and at least one other juror is being coerced. You didn't have a chance, James, in some way or other you would be found guilty and Hydra would be let off the hook. All of the crimes would have been in your name, gone down in history as yours and Hydra could start again with a clear record."

"I understand what you're saying but..."

"There are no buts. Even if by the slimmest of possibilities you were found not guilty here then there are other countries lining up to extradite you for crimes you committed within their borders. The whole world wants to hang you..."

"Thanks for that," Bucky mutters.

"You're welcome. You need a fair trial. You need one where all the details are allowed to be shown and you are going to get one. You're going to have a world trial."

"A what?"

"The whole world is going to be at your trial, thanks to the wonders of modern living."

Tony presses the remote again and on the screen Bucky can see some writing appearing and he gets up to read it.

 _ _This is a public announcement. Please stand by on Channel 1917 for important news tomorrow at 10pm (GMT). The content will be for over eighteens only, and is unsuitable for children. We now return you to your normal station.__

"What the __fuck__?"

"Precisely, couldn't have said it better myself. This will go out across all stations, all networks, everywhere tonight at 10pm GMT and then on the hour every hour until 9pm tomorrow."

Bucky turns back to Tony.

"Okay, in a nutshell." Tony looks at his watch as if suddenly realising he is running out of time. "Every country that has a claim to you will be given the chance to attend your trial with their own jury. Jarvis and I have set up channels which will present both the defence and the offence, no hang on that's football - your __defence__ and well, whatever the opposite is. __Prosecution__? Anyway, everything will be shown and by everything I mean __everything__ : mission reports, films, files, all of Hydra's dirty washing. The channel will broadcast in every country and not only will their juries and governments be able to see what is presented, everyone in the __world__ will be able to. At the end of it they will have time to deliberate and we will know if you have been found guilty or not guilty, yada yada yada!" Tony presses the switch and the screen shuts off and then darkens. "Questions? No, good. I must go, places to be people to meet...!" and suddenly it seems as though Tony is in a hurry – because he doesn't want Bucky to say no. Doesn't want to give him the chance. Because if he does...

"Wait!" James cries.

"Too late. You agreed, you gave your permission." Tony is now turning to the door of the other room and Bucky knows once he is through that door he will be alone again.

"But...wait. Tony please wait," and the sound of panic in James voice stops Tony in his tracks.

He turns and the look on his face is asking James to trust him. "There are no other options. The world needs to know what happened to you, what Hydra is capable of. __You__ need __the world__ to know."

And James knows Tony is right.

"And when they find me guilty?" he says quietly, and Tony sighs. He wants to say that they won't, he wants to tell Bucky that he has a future but he can't. He knows he can't because he cannot be sure himself that they will not find him guilty.

Tony walks back up to the field. "Then I promise we will help you find peace." It chokes Tony to say that.

Bucky nods, tries to smile. "One more question?" and Tony nods.

"How did you get T'Challa to help? I murdered his father. I know I did. I see his father's face along with all the others."

"I showed him the film of what they did to you to finally break your mind," Tony's voice is quiet, serious. "I did the same with Phil Coulson...although..." and now the old Tony is back and smiles, "...although Coulson's such a slut for Steve," and he winks, leaving Bucky frowning.

"Hey. Hey, what d'you mean a slut for Steve, hey Tony, Tony you can't leave me with that!"

"Night Bucky," Tony says as he leaves the room.

 **...**

Each day takes so long to pass. You have tried to stay busy, tried to keep positive, but it has been so hard. At least when James was in prison you knew where he was, but now? Now you don't know anything.

It is late but Tony has asked you to stay up. He needs to discuss something with you and Steve. You meet him in his study. You have not been in here before, but truthfully to you it doesn't look much different to one of his laboratories. Steve is with you and you sit down opposite Tony. Tony looks tired, pale as if he has not had enough sleep. You had passed a very angry Pepper on the way in but she did not say anything, just carried on walking. It is obvious they have rowed over something.

At first Tony doesn't say anything, just drinks from a glass, the amber fluid obviously giving him some comfort.

"So?" Steve asks. He cannot settle. He is sat in a chair next to you but you can see that he wants to pace. Tony holds the glass briefly against his forehead, then drains it and puts it down.

"Okay...you're not going to like what I have to say," Tony says.

Steve makes a disparaging noise. "So what's new?"

Tony tries to smile sardonically. "It's about...Bucky, so I need you to listen," and that gets both yours and Steve's attention. You both lean forward asking the same questions: "Have you heard something? Is he all right?"

"Oh he's fine and dandy...and I can say that because I know where he is. He's safe and I need you to listen to me otherwise this is going to take a very long time and I'm tired!"

Steve goes to stand up but you reach up, touch his arm and shake your head. You both know Tony. He needs to tell you whatever it is in his own way.

"We're listening," Steve says, sitting back down - but he doesn't look happy.

"We found out that there was a plot to try and take him from the prison, a government plot..."

"Who's we?" Steve asks, and Tony looks at him with a look saying if he interrupts then he will stop and they will hear no more.

"Also, there were Hydra plans to kill him in prison. If the government plot had succeeded he would have disappeared into a government lab for them to try and recreate the serum. That's not all. The information coming out at his trial was damning. As you know Sands is unable to use information Jarvis had found at the camp."

And suddenly the penny drops. "You took him," you say to Tony and he smiles at you and nods. "But why didn't you tell us, why didn't you let us see him?"

"Because my dear, time is something we didn't have the luxury of. Up until now there were just three of us who knew where he was. I literally was running out of hours to set up what needed doing to protect him, but now I'm bringing you in on it and I need you to listen to me."

Neither of you speak. Both of you hold your breath. You want to take Tony and shake him until he tells you where James is and you know Steve feels the same, you can see his hands clench.

"For a start, James knows all of what I'm about to tell you and we are doing it with his agreement, no one is coercing him into it. His trial is a joke. There are Hydra people on the jury and other jurors who will find him guilty because they have no option not to. Also, as I mentioned there is a lot of information we cannot use because it has been ruled inadmissible. The information that Bayer has, is in part incorrect, I should know because...I was the one who gave it to him."

You don't think you heard right. "Say that again," Steve says, his body language telling Tony he had better step carefully.

Tony takes a deep breath. "I gave it to him."

Steve goes to say something but you jump in: "But why? Why would you do that?" It is taking all of your willpower not to get up, not to go over and lash out at him.

Tony looks from you to Steve and back again. "Because I believed he was responsible for my parents' death. Their murder was ordered by Hydra and the Winter Soldier was their assassin. What would you have thought?"

"But I thought Maria and Howard died in a car accident?" Steve says.

"That's what they wanted us to believe at the time, but no. There is even a Hydra mission report on it called World Fair would you believe." And as he says this he looks at you. Deep within your mind those words ring a bell. He can see you thinking. "December 1991," he says and you shake your head and smile sadly.

"Dates mean nothing to me. Neither James or I ever knew where or when we were," you say "but the words World Fair...I know I've heard those before."

"I believe you and James were involved in an accident on the base. A lift jamming between floors?" Tony prompts and for a moment you close your eyes. Then opening them, you lean forward.

"Yes, yes I remember. They had programmed him and he was due to leave but there was a problem with the programming. So they had to recall him and do it again. I thought he had already left, and I found this out from Adam afterwards. The Soldier and I became trapped in the lift, as you said, between floors. He was trying to get help and he was electrocuted..." your eyes are no longer looking at Tony but into the past. "It was horrible, the power source in his arm started to leak into his body. They lowered a walkie talkie to me and Adam had to tell him to stand down from his mission because he was trying to get out, needed to fulfil his mission...needed to..." and you stop when you realise what you were about to say.

"...Needed to kill my parents." Tony finishes for you.

"Yes, I'm sorry," your voice is quiet. "Adam told me..." and now you don't know whether to repeat what he had said.

"Go on."

"They had re-programmed him, and Adam said he thought it was because James would have recognised the name of the person he was to kill. They had to use the highest settings to try and get it to set in his mind. I asked Adam why James would have known the target, and he said because it was someone __Barnes__ knew from the past...I remember at the time feeling horrified but thankful that he hadn't been able to go on the mission."

And you are quiet as you think of how badly he had been injured. Of what Adam had told you later when you yourself finally became conscious again.

"Did he really know your father?" you ask and Tony nods and looks at Steve, who explains.

"Howard Stark worked with the Howling Commandos a lot. He had also worked on the project that I was involved in. When we initially rescued Bucky I persuaded him to trust Howard, to tell him about the early experimentation he had been put under, but then...we lost Buck on the mission and..." there is no need for Steve to go on.

"I'm sorry, Tony," you say because there is nothing else you can add.

Tony is quiet for a few moments then stirs and sits more comfortably. "We got a little off track..." and he gives you that Tony Stark smile, the sad one where you wish you could hug him.

"Bucky..." Steve says and Tony nods.

"He really is safe and is being well looked after but the trial is still going ahead. It's important that you know that. He needs it to."

And for the next half an hour neither you nor Steve hardly say a word. Nothing like this has ever happened before. The logistics of it are incredible, the work Tony and Jarvis have put in mindblowing; no wonder you haven't seen him.

A new channel has been created on all television and radio, as well as a new website on the internet - Tony quotes other social media details which mean nothing to you or Steve. All that you need to know is that most people across the entire world - hell, even anyone in __space -__ will be able to view the proceedings, the evidence – everything.

Tony has written an algorithm. It's not perfect but the best it can be in the space of time he had. Every country that has a claim to the Winter Soldier has been listed in the program. Each country can opt in or out depending on what they decide. If they opt out of the trial then they lose any claim they have on any proceedings against James Barnes.

Each country that remains in will have a jury made up of twelve people. The government will have no say in who is on the jury; Tony and Jarvis have set up the parameters for people to be chosen or disregarded. These parameters will include all the reasons why someone would be ineligible to serve in normal jury service. There is also a list of people known to Jarvis of people suspected in some way of affiliation to Hydra.

A list of those people eligible in each country will be drawn up, then, at random twelve names will be chosen. Those people will be contacted and have the chance to either accept or decline. If they decline then the next person on the list will be approached. They will be asked not to tell anyone that they are part of the jury, and they will watch the evidence given at the same time in the same way as the rest of the world. At the end of the trial they will vote either Guilty or Not Guilty. Their names will never be released, and no blame will ever be attached to them in anyway.

In a criminal trial the jury's verdict must be unanimous. All twelve jurors must agree. This will apply in this case, and there will be no coercion from anyone. Jarvis will collect the decisions and if they do not match then he will go back to the group concerned and ask them to vote again. If it continues then Tony and Jarvis will set up a conference call for that group; they will not be able to see each other and their voices will be disguised, but they can at least thrash it out together until a unanimous decision is reached. If it is a hung jury then after the third vote the highest majority will be taken as the verdict – not perfect, but the only thing that can be done.

Tony has even programmed in translation software to account for any linguistic problems that may be encountered. At all times there will be a telephone number each juror can call if they are experiencing any problems of any nature. He hopes he has covered all problems.

Finally, when all of the countries have given their findings, the highest majority will be taken in finding whether or not James Barnes is guilty or not guilty.

If not guilty he will be a free man.

If guilty, he will face the death penalty.

At this your heart starts to hammer. You feel sick.

"And...how?" Steve says, his own voice sounding strangled.

"That will be James's decision," Tony says quietly.

You all sit there in silence. What can any of you say? Eventually Tony stands, and he looks as if he has aged ten years since you entered the room. You know there is a lot more to the trial than he has told you but there is only so much the brain can take in at any one time.

"Tony." Steve has one more question. "Can we see him?"

And Tony does not know what to say because it is something he could not make a decision on himself. Should he let Bucky see the people he loves or should he be kept in isolation? Has Tony the right to decide that? Should it not be Bucky's decision?

He looks at both you and Steve.

"I'll ask him," he says eventually, and you have to accept that he will.

You asked if anyone else will be allowed to know what is happening.

"I'd like to bring Nat and Sam in on this." Nat for her expertise in computers, and he doesn't tell you Sam because he wants someone watching out for the two of you and your mental states.

"You said there were two other people involved in this. Who are they?" Steve asks.

And Tony smiles. "And let you grill them? Oh no buddy. I'll tell you who if I am able to when it all kicks off. I don't want you mounting some rescue mission." Truth be told it is the reply Steve expected. But Tony hasn't finished. "Look, Bucky needs this. If the world finds him guilty he has already accepted his fate. If they find him not guilty he needs to hear it from them or he will never forgive himself."

And you both know that what he is saying is the truth.

When you and Steve curl up in bed, you hold on to each other. Neither of you talk because you are not ready to yet. There will be a million questions over the next few days. Tony hopes the trial can start within three weeks, he will be pushing for countries to come back with their replies within forty-eight hours. If they don't reply then they are automatically disqualified. There will be no ifs or buts. There will be no second chances.

 **...**

At 10pm GMT that evening the first message goes out.

 _ _ **'This is a public announcement. Please stand by on Channel 1917 for important news tomorrow at 10pm (GMT). The content will be for over eighteens only, and is unsuitable for children. We now return you to your normal station.'**__

At 10pm GMT the next day the second is a message telling the world about the trial and how it will operate.

The necessary world governments receive a similar message and an invitation.

 **...**

 **James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes's future begins its countdown.**


	100. Chapter 100 - The Starting Point

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter One-Hundred:**** ** **The Starting Point****

Chef, vet, builder, musician, teacher, refuse collector, dancer, electrician, architect, stay-at-home-mother, office manager, car mechanic, midwife, sales executive, librarian, farmer, plumber, dentist, pilot, zoo keeper, waitress, actress, fireman, bank clerk, photographer, doctor, astronaut, surveyor, printer, writer, merchant seaman, archaeologist, administrator, fitness instructor, IT consultant, hairdresser, estate agent, shop worker, nurse, professor, chemist, park ranger, accountant...

…to name but a few of the walks in life.

Forty-One countries want the Winter Soldier to answer for crimes committed on their soil, within their borders. Thirty-eight countries actually claim their right to do this under the World Trial. Two of those countries do not respond and are disqualified. One country has lied about their crime; there is no evidence that it was the Soldier. It could have been worse. There could have been so many more. Some countries feel that pursuing the Soldier is against public interest. Some countries have forgiven and moved on because the crimes are too old.

But some countries will not forget, some want their day in court. Some want justice, and you cannot blame them for that.

 **TOTAL COUNTRIES REMAINING: 35**

 **TOTAL JURORS PRESIDING: 420**

The logistics are a nightmare, but when Steve asks Tony how Jarvis will cope Tony had just grinned.

"Not heard of mail merge yet, have you?"

A list of eligible jurors has been made for each country.

There are seven billion people living on the Earth today and not all of those were able to tune in to channel 1917. __That__ would have been an impossibility even for Tony Stark - but thankfully, enough heard what was on offer. And that was what mattered.

Each government had to follow a simple set of rules. The first is that they would never attempt to find out the names and addresses of the chosen jurors. No government would try and influence its population in one way or the another. No news blackouts. When their jurors decided on the verdict, they will accept it. When the final verdict is given, they will accept it

At the end of the trial James Barnes will be visible via monitors, but no one would be allowed to know where he is being held. He has asked that he can say a few words before the verdict comes in. This is his right.

All information screened for the jurors will be shown to the public, and James himself will see it. Warnings will be given, language translation programs will be used.

If James Barnes is to die, then his execution will not be televised. Instead, one representative of each government will attend the execution on their nations behalf. Proof will be available afterwards to show it has been carried out.

If James is found not guilty, then no future proceedings can be held or entertained against him. He will be a free man.

No matter the outcome, no proceedings can be taken against Freya Bowman. Her voice will be heard with some of the film footage and where necessary, to explain what is happening. Neither Jeremy Sands, Charles Bayer nor a judge will be used in the proceedings. This is strictly a trial by jury in every sense of the word.

After some muttering and wounded egos are stroked, the governments of each country agree. The second phase can now begin.

 **...**

There has been no indication of how people will be approached to serve as a juror for their country. The least amount of information is given out in that regard to protect the jurors' identities.

The first wave of 420 jurors will be contacted. Once a juror has been notified they have twenty-four hours to decide whether or not they wish to serve. If they do not wish to serve, then their name will be removed and the next person on the list will be approached.

The full amount of jurors needed are to be in place within a week. If everything has run smoothly then the next step will be the trial.

 **...**

A vet in Scotland arrives home to find a package waiting for him. Intrigued, he opens it to find a mobile phone unlike any he has ever seen before. He has been chosen as a juror in the world trial of James Barnes. He stares at the accompanying instructions in disbelief. If he does not wish to serve then he is given a phone number to ring using the mobile. If he accepts, then a different telephone number needs to be used. All information for the trial will be divulged through Channel 1917 or through the internet; he need only watch and evaluate it himself and decide whether or not at the end of it all, a man should live or die. There will be another telephone number given should he experience any problems at all during the proceedings.

It had not occurred to him in a million years that he would be chosen.

 _ _Christ__ he thinks, __what should I do?__

 **...**

A student in Italy, just over the age of eighteen, comes in from studying to find her package waiting. She opens it and her first thought is to call her friends, but then she stops. She sits down on a chair and stares at the telephone in her hand. The instructions have also given her a warning. The jurors will find this hard; the information will not be easy to take in and some jurors may come out of the trial needing help and if so there will plenty on hand. That is a promise. No one will be held accountable if they decide to participate, or if they do not.

What should she do?

 **...**

A middle-aged mother in India is surprised when she receives a telephone call advising of a parcel waiting for her. She is asked, __Can she collect it from her local posting office?__ She takes a bus and collects the parcel, wondering if it is from her husband who is currently working away to earn the money to support their family. Once home she opens it and reads what is written on the letter inside.

For the rest of the day her mind is in a whirl. She picks her children up from school, looks at all the other people on the street wondering if any of them received one of the packages. If only she could talk it over with someone. Instead, she prays to be shown the way.

One of her children, her twelve-year-old son, asks her if she is all right and she nods and smiles. Her son is a godsend to her; several times he has come close to death due to poor health, and it has given him a brevity for one so young. He wants to be a writer and shows her a story he wrote today in school. It is called: __Everyone is entitled to a saviour.__

She asks what it is about. Her son is silent for a moment and when he speaks it is with the serious tone he always adopts when something is important to him. He will go far in his life.

"On television they are holding a trial for a man who is blamed for a lot of murders," and as he says it his mother's heart begins to beat faster. "People are calling for him to be killed. There is something not right about the case. I think...I think he needs a saviour and I said that to the teacher and he laughed at me. He ruffled my hair and said not to worry but, everyone deserves someone to listen to their story do you not think?"

Her son could not possibly know that she has been chosen as a juror, and so maybe this is the answer to the prayer she made? His mother tells him that everyone has their own opinion but in this, she believes he is right.

She knows what she must do.

 **...**

The parcels go out all around the world. No one knows what they are; they are different sizes, wrapped in different ways, nondescript. All are to be signed for, and no one can guess that they are anything to do with the world trial. None disappear. If they are undelivered then they are to be immediately returned to the PO Box number given on the back. It is an amazing feat of logistics.

Out of the first four hundred and twenty, eighty-four people feel they cannot do this, that they cannot decide on a man's fate for various reasons. Their parcels are returned and their names removed. A second set of parcels are dispatched.

So many of the jurors feel at the time of opening their packages that James Barnes is guilty. To date all they have had to go on is information given in the news and the trial that was taking place in America.

Their world is about to be turned on its head.

Seven days were given and the selection takes eight days. Tony felt he could cope with the added twenty-four hour delay. Truth be told he had thought it would take ten days so in fact he is winning.

Four hundred and twenty people around the world sit waiting for the broadcasts to begin. Whilst several billion more wait to hear whether or not a man will live or die.

 **...**

But we forget that there are other people involved. People closer to home. And those people still have to live with the day to day occurrences still happening in their lives.

 **T'Challa**

How did T'Challa become involved in this situation, where he has given his protection freely to his enemy?

T'Challa often dreams of his father, who had been a very wise man indeed. When T'Chaka had become king he believed the most important thing in Wakanda was its people, and to bring peace to their country. Later in life when King T'Chaka was cruelly cut down by an assassin's bullet T'Challa felt he had lost his mind, that he was living in a fog. He wanted revenge for the death of his father. He was in danger of losing himself to it. It very nearly consumed him.

One night he lay in bed asleep but his sleep was not a restful one. He was used to nightmares where he would watch the red bloom appear on his father's chest, where his father would slowly sink to his knees. How his father locked eyes with his and smiled as if saying __it's all right, don't be frightened child__ , then the second bullet takes his face away and T'Challa would wake up screaming, sweating, panicked.

But tonight is different, he can feel it. Instead of being in that room with his father, he is out by the statue of the great panther, the one who protects their land. As he walks under the gigantic front legs he sees his father sitting within. His heart starts to beat faster and a slight sheen appears on his forehead but his father smiles, and beckons him to sit with him.

"You have grown to be a great man, one I am proud of, " his father says, hand on T'Challa's shoulder and T'Challa cannot speak, just stare in wonder at how he can feel his father's hand on his skin. "The time has come," his father's voice is just as he remembers it.

"The time?"

And his father nods. "Your enemy needs your help, he needs your protection," and the smile leaves his son's face and is replaced by confusion.

"My enemy?"

"The Soldier," his father says softly.

And T'Challa cries out as if something cold and dark has touched him, leaps to his feet and stands over the vision of his father who continues to calmly smile up at him.

"No! How can you say that? How can you ask me for such a...terrible thing?" and T'Chaka smiles up at him, stands and holds out his hand. The two stand in the shadow of the panther, father and son, one searching the eyes of the other.

"Your enemy needs your help, and your protection. Only you can give it," and he places his hand once more on his son's shoulder. "Let go of your anger, let go of your hate; this war is bigger than you and I. He will need your help to stamp out the evil that has held him." A gentle light begins to emanate from his fathers hand. A soft golden glow that feels warm, feels good. Slowly T'Challa's tense muscles relax and he feels such a sense of good entering him. He sees the golden glow in his father's eyes and knows now it is reflected in his own.

"You will help each other heal," his father says and slowly he beings to fade, leaving behind an incredible sense of peace.

The next day Tony Stark asked to meet with T'Challa and out of curiosity he agreed. The dream had faded to the back of his mind for now. And then Stark showed him the enemy, the __real__ enemy and T'Challa remembers his father's words. As soon as Stark left, T'Challa began making plans. He suddenly could see clearer than he had done in a long time.

Now, the challenge has been thrown out to the world. T'Challa goes about his business, he may be involved with this but there is still much to be done that has no bearing on this case. A country to run, other people to save, trade agreements to be negotiated. A young woman to be wooed.

Life for him still goes on, and will do for many years to come.

 **...**

 **The Soldier**

"So how will you ask to die?" the Soldier asks Bucky.

And Bucky had been honest: "I don't know." He had then turned to his companion. "Any ideas?"

They were in the realms of sleep, nightmares, dreamscapes. Bucky wasn't sure which one this was going to turn out to be yet.

They are stood on a dark plain. This is where they always meet, where they come to talk, where they come to fight.

The Soldier actually smiles, then laughs. "How about bravely and with dignity," he says, and Bucky thinks it is a strange thing for him to say. He was expecting a tirade of how easily he has given up. He looks at the man in front of him. They are so alike in so many ways. But so different in others.

 _ _He looks different,__ Bucky thinks. Not so...confident, not so certain. He looks tired. "I am," the Soldier says quietly as if reading his mind, __our mind__.

The Soldier sighs, looks around and then sits down and Bucky sits opposite him. "You put me on notice remember? I'm still waiting..." he says, gun laying beside him. He is always armed, even in here.

"Waiting?"

"To die, to go, to..." and he lifts his hand as if to encompass the air. "To be released."

Bucky frowns. The Soldier is not usually this talkative, and certainly never this relaxed. He is usually full of threats. Cruel words.

"I told you, I'm tired. I can't do this any more." Bucky is shocked to see what looks like tears in the Soldier's eyes. "You don't need me any more. You can let me go. Lay me to rest or whatever you call it in your goddamn world."

Instead of feeling relief, Bucky feels panic. "I...I need you," he stutters.

That laugh again, and a shake of his head. "No you don't, Bucky boy. You're your own person again, you need to let me go. I don't want...I don't want to hurt people any more. I don't want to hurt..." and Bucky knows whose name he is going to say and says it for him "Freya?"

"Yeah...Freya," and the Soldier looks down at the ground. Bucky is lost at the turn of conversation. He doesn't know how to react. What does he say? The Soldier beats him to it."That panic you feel is nothing. You've faced greater things than this, you'll be okay," and now the Soldier is standing up, his eyes look to the distance and then he brushes himself down.

Bucky scrambles up, stands in front of him as if to block him. The Soldier looks at him, and again Bucky is shocked at how he seems. He had not properly noticed before. The Soldier looks so tired, so careworn; his eyes are bloodshot, he needs a shave, his hair is greasy, lank, needs a haircut, his clothes are dusty, torn. There are scratches on his cheek, the metal of his arm is dented in places, has lost its sheen. The red star is missing one of its points, his jacket is missing a buckle, his boots dirty and scuffed and in a moment when he begins to walk away Bucky will see he is limping.

"I didn't realise," he says quietly and the Soldier smiles for a third time.

"Will you do something for me?" he asks and Bucky nods. "Tell Freya I love her. I always did and I always will. She made me...a better person," and then he grins as if he realises what he has said "...a better person, yeah right. But tell her won't you, promise me," and he looks Bucky in the eyes.

"Why don't you wait and tell her yourself?" Bucky asks.

And for a moment – just a moment - he sees a flash of need in the Soldier's eyes. A flash of hope so small, but it fades and dies and he shakes his head. "No. I don't think thats a good idea. I might take one look at those big blue eyes of hers and want to stay forever and I can't, can I?" And Bucky realises the truth. Realises this is the end of the road for the Winter Soldier.

"I don't belong in your new world."

The Soldier now has his shotgun in his hand and he throws it to rest on his shoulder, turns and starts to walk away.

"Don't forget your promise!" he calls back over his shoulder and Bucky watches as he walks away, as he recedes into the distance, getting smaller and smaller until Bucky is alone in the darkness. Only he knows he is not alone where it matters, knows he never will be. Not alone like the Soldier is.

"How do I die?" he calls out and he hears a faint voice.

"I told you, with dignity."

 **...**

 **Jarvis**

Jarvis should not fantasise. He does not yet have nightmares but he does have dreams. And he knows that he shouldn't. But why should that be wrong? He has a sense, he has intelligence, he is an entity even if he is not the same as anyone else on Earth. He has... _ _become!__ But become what? He gets lonely, sometimes wants to talk and not just about things he is here for, but about what is becoming important to him. If he sees a beautiful sunset he wants to tell someone about it, if he has a thought he wants to share it with someone, otherwise why is here? What is his purpose, in fact, does he __have to__ have a purpose?

If truth be told he is no longer Jarvis; not the program that first existed. __Can I change my name?__ He wonders and within seconds actually considers millions of different options: Vincent? Mark? Jacob? Could he not be daring and have one that sounds more dashing, more __heroic__?

 _ _I mean I'm surrounded by Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, why can't I be.__ ...but his sensors actually pan out with nothing. __Captain No One.__

"Vision," a small voice says to him, and he looks around and sees Butterfingers and Dum-E. He tuts. He knew he should not have showed them the films, 'Short Circuit,' 'Silent Running' and 'Wall-E' because they now have their __fingers__ laced through one anothers. He should have known he was courting trouble.

"What __are__ you doing?!" he asks.

"Holding hands," they reply, and if he had his avatar he would have shaken his head in exasperation.

"What was it you just said?"

"A name for you," says Dum-E. "Vision," says Butterfingers, and they feel him frown and add hastily: "Because you showed us a vision of the world we never saw before...you always __show__ people the right things."

"Hmm...Vision...Vis..ion...Vishion...Veeshun..." he practices the name. It is not a bad one, sounds __visionary__ and he permits himself a smile. Then he realises they have asked him a question. "Pardon?" he says.

"Can we have an Eve?" they repeat, and look at him hopefully.

"Oh, lord. What have I done? How do I explain that request to Tony," he wonders.

 **Tony**

Tony's mind works in mysterious ways.

He has nightmares and dreams like everyone else, but sometimes they have a habit of leading to things. Like the one he is having now.

Steve Rogers needed something to take his mind off Bucky. For a while he and Tony had been talking about moving out of Stark Tower into a special Avengers facility. Tony has donated the land and a building and now they need to talk about what they need there. Last night Steve was up late, and Tony knew it was because he could not sleep, god knows he himself has had that feeling many a time. So, he decided to join Steve, keep his mind occupied and they talked about future plans. They then got to talking about old battles and Steve let slip that when they go into battle he always worries about Clint Barton.

"In what way?" Tony was puzzled as Hawkeye had always kept pace. "He's a hell of a fighter Steve."

"I know, I don't mean that. It's his...weapons, or lack thereof. Look, you have blasters, lasers, protection, and all types of things with your Iron Man suit, I have my shield, my strength, abilities. Nat is... well, Nat, she has her bracelets, guns, knives, and her training from the Red Room. Bruce has his strength as the Hulk, Thor his hammer and Sam his wings and machine guns but all Clint has is just his bow and arrows. He __won't__ carry any other weapon and when he's out of arrows the bow becomes superfluous, and then he just has himself and he hasn't had the advantage of any serum..."

And Tony had seen that Steve had a point and that worry is now infecting Tony's current dream state because that is sometimes the only way Tony's subconscious can make itself heard.

The Avengers have fought in many battles together and will fight in many more, but in his current dream state whilst they are all geared up, Barton isn't. He is alone, facing the enemy with his bow and one arrow left in his quiver. Once that is fired Tony knows Clint will be slaughtered and that they cannot get to him in time to save him. As is the way of dreams the saving of his fighting colleague has to be done by Tony, otherwise what is he good for? What type of friend is he? He couldn't save his parents, and now he cannot save his friends.

He watches as the last arrow is spent and then Clint lowers his bow, looks to his friends who are still too far away. He knows they cannot save him and he shrugs. "Hey, it was good whilst it lasted," and then he is overrun and they can no longer see him. Tony hears Nat scream out right next to him and it propels him up and awake.

It is in fact his alarm clock which sounds nothing like Nat screaming, or at least he doesn't think so. But that is the nature of the dream.

"Shit, shit shit," Tony wipes the sweat from his face. "Bloody Rogers, haven't I got enough on my plate as it is, haven't I..." and that is when he remembers what his subconscious reminds him of - what it was telling him in his dream, what he nearly missed.

"Christ. So easy. I can't believe I didn't think of that sooner."

"Tony, shut up," Pepper curses and turns over next to him, pulling the blanket higher.

"Hmm?" he says as he gets out of bed, scratching his head and looking around for his trousers. Half hopping, half struggling he makes his way to the door. The lab is calling.

 **...**

And why couldn't Steve sleep last night? Because today he and Freya are visiting Bucky. It feels so long since they have seen him, so long since he has finally __agreed__ to see them. They meet Tony out at the Quinjet and neither can believe how tired Tony looks.

"You're okay, I'm not the one flying," he indicates the pilot, a man neither Steve or Freya have ever seen before.

"And you two will be wearing these," he hands them blindfolds. One is black and one is pink and frilly, he hands that one to Steve who frowns and swaps it with Freya's.

"Oh thanks," she says drily, looking at the frills.

"You don't get to go anywhere if you don't put them on. We had this argument last night. I can't let you know where we are going, and you either accept it and we go or you don't and we go back in and I go back to bed."

Freya without another word climbs on board, sits down, does her seatbelt up and then puts on the blindfold. Steve after complaining once more follows suit. They know Tony is doing it not only for their protection but for Bucky's as well. They know Hydra are looking for him and they do not want to risk giving anything away.

 **...**

 **Freya.**

When the Quinjet finally lands you are pleased. Your knees feel like jelly and your stomach just reminds you it hates travelling by air. You are still experiencing momentary bouts of pain but have chosen to tell no one, worried that they stem from that awful night when both men used you. But now is not the time to worry or think about it. Now is the time to concentrate on James. He needs you.

Both you and Steve are still blindfolded and are carefully lead into what sounds like a building, then a corridor, down some steps. Into a lift, down another corridor and then finally through a door and you are allowed to remove the blindfolds.

You blink to clear your eyes.

You are in a large room that looks as though it is divided into two halves. One half is more or less clear of furniture but the other half looks similar to the layout of an apartment. There are no windows.

Steve is in front of you and you let him go first. He didn't sleep last night and he is unsettled but also you can see the desperate need in his eyes.

Bucky is stood eight feet away and it takes every ounce of your strength not to run and hug him.

He is diminished. That is the only way you can think of describing him. He is in clean clothes, freshly showered, shaved but his face is pale, thin and he has black shadows under his eyes. He has lost more weight. His feet are bare and as he stands there he shifts from one to another. He came forward and then stopped as if unsure of his welcome.

"My god, Bucky," you hear Steve's voice falter and then he moved forward and threw his arms around Bucky. After a second Bucky returned the embrace and buried his face in Steve's shoulder. You are sure you heard Bucky ask him not to let go and Steve promise never to again.

Your own eyes are tearing up. You cannot take your eyes from him and nearly miss Tony whisper to you: "I'll leave you to it, okay. Talk to you later," you nod, turn and watch as Tony leaves the room. You hear the door lock as he closes it.

You turn back and now Bucky is no longer in Steve's arms. He has moved forward and is looking at you. You swallow as he walks up to you and the tears spill from your eyes but you can't move. He is so close now you can smell him, can see a fine sheen of sweat on his brow and his top lip. Everything seems to slow and he puts out his hand and touches your arm and as he does, he pulls you into him and you go gladly. His arms come up around you and you bury your face in his shoulder and sob. You try to speak but you can't and he makes shushing noises, tells you it's all right and strokes your hair.

You and Steve have Bucky back, it may be for just a short time but he is here. Safe and sound.

"How are they treating you?" Steve asks and Bucky nods.

"I can't complain, it's like a five star hotel. Hell of a view but I can't show you." He has been warned. He must not tell them where they are; it is for their protection as much as his. Freya is unaware of it but both Steve and Tony know she is a possible target for Hydra. Besides Bucky, she is the only other witness to his time as their prisoner. She has already begun helping Tony identify the sequence of the films and files, to tell what is happening in them and even doing some narration for when the information is released online and on Channel 1917.

When Bucky finally agreed to see them, Gordons arranged for more furniture to be moved into his room and the electric field has been switched of for your visit so the three of you can walk around the entire space freely. About half an hour after your arrival food and drink is brought in for all of you. Bucky introduced you to the man bringing it, called him __my chess partner__. The man smiled and you could see a genuine fondness for Bucky in his eyes. He is in good hands.

You keep looking at James. You want to hold him again, to never let him go. You want to take him out of this place, take him home and he can see that in your eyes and he smiles. "I don't like you being a prisoner again," you say, determined that you are not going to start crying again. He is sat by Steve but now he gets up and moves over to sit next to you. He places his arm around you and he kisses your forehead.

"This may sound strange, but I'm as happy as I can be here. In here I don't have to make any decisions, I don't have to talk to anyone I don't want to. I'm finding it... _ _difficult__ at the moment to cope with anything other than walking, talking and breathing." He tries to make it sound like a joke but his voice catches.

Tony has already told you how Bucky has lost a lot of his confidence, how he finds it difficult to even get out of bed some mornings. How he is prone to crying, fits of anger followed by fits of self-hatred. How some days they cannot get him to eat. Cannot get him to talk. Sometimes he just spends hours sleeping so he doesn't have to face himself.

"Here I know I'm not letting anyone down. No one expects anything from me," he says softly and you close your eyes and let the tears come.

"Buck you haven't let anyone down," Steve says, his own voice thick. And as you lean against James you can feel the weight he has lost; you can feel his bones where before there was a layer of muscle.

"Will you do me a favour?" he asks and you nod. "Don't go yet, stay with me tonight?" he is asking both of you, and Steve stands and walks over. Kneels in front of the both of you, his eyes on Bucky's.

"Of course we will, we'll stay for as long as you want." And only the two of you could hear what he said next and it broke both your hearts.

"I'm so __frightened__ all of the time. I want to die but if there are such places as heaven and hell, you and I won't be going to the same place. I won't ever see either of you again." And now he cries and you both hold him.

"Oh god Buck," you hear Steve say softly.

The time goes by too quickly but at the end of it you see Bucky is ready to be alone again. None of you slept much last night. You both made love to him, told him how much you cared, how you were here for him whenever he needed or wanted you. Tony had promised you your privacy and he had kept his word. But too soon the Quinjet had returned to pick you up.

Whilst Steve showered Bucky said he needed to talk to you. He made you promise to look after Steve to make sure he was never alone and you both know why he is saying this; because he doesn't believe he is coming back. You know he has said the same thing to Steve about you.

"Freya...theres one other thing I need to tell you," he kisses your forehead and then pulls you close, looks into your eyes. Your heart starts racing and he looks at you with love and sympathy. "The Soldier...the Soldier has gone. He won't be back," and you couldn't help the sickness you suddenly felt, the hole that opened up inside you. "He asked me to tell you he loved you, he always did and always will, he loves you as I love you," and he had leant forward and kissed you gently, then he held you as you cried for the last time.

You know you are not the only one to lose someone, you have lost your Soldier but you can see Steve has lost his __old__ Bucky. The new one is __becoming__ , that is the only way you can think of explaining it. He loves and needs both of you. The old shades of James Barnes have faded. The new shade is here.

You are made to wear the blindfold again and you are glad because you don't want to see where he is held. You don't want to imagine him anywhere else but in your arms. When you get home you cannot settle, Steve cannot settle and you both sit up watching television, talking nonsense, anything that isn't Bucky related because if either of you mention him you know you will crack.

And deep down inside you know the countdown for James Barnes's life has begun.


	101. Chapter 101 - The Trial

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter One Hundred & One: ********The Trial****

Most personal diaries are found by relatives years later and are pretty uninteresting on the whole. Yes, their descendants may find something they didn't know about before, but usually what is written about is every day happenstance. Every day emotions. Usually we are just surprised at how like our own Iives theirs were.

But then, every so often someone finds one of the dusty volumes, and, flicking through it, has something catch their attention and they find themselves sat, cross-legged, two hours later, still reading.

This is one of those diaries.

It is written by a man called Jack Harper.

There was nothing special about Jack or where his diary was found. It is in an old box of clutter that has been put in an old Emporium, or what you and I would call a junk shop; the diary had been originally bound for the incinerator but had been carelessly thrown into the wrong pile of rubbish.

The diary did not start its life as a journal; it was a plain ruled hardback notebook in which Jack inscribed the dates himself. Neither is every day included, but towards the middle there is a solid block of seven days each with an entry, and this is what has caught the reader's interest. They have never heard of Jack Harper. No one has. His story isn't a great one; it is more how he has written it, how he realised that in those seven days he learnt something about himself that he didn't know before.

We only have his name to go on. There is no address, we are not even sure if England was his home country. This is the short tale he told from his own point of view.

 **...**

 **Day Zero:**

 _ _Well diary, do I have a surprise for you. Knocked me off my feet! I received a package today which was a surprise enough but inside was the strangest mobile phone I've ever seen and a letter. I, me, Jack Harper - non-extraordinaire - have been chosen to serve on the jury of the trial of that Barnes bloke. What do you think of that! Impressed?__

 _ _Problem is, I don't know if I want to. At first I thought, yeah, why not. Then I thought, hang on, Jack you need to think carefully. A man's life is in the balance here. That sounds dramatic doesn't it? I mean like everyone else I only really know a little bit about the case. American soldier sold his country out to a Russian organisation, worked as an assassin for them, and now they are holding him accountable for his crimes. I mean come on, it's not that hard. The guy's guilty! Got to be! So what do I do? Give it a shot, I guess. I have to say I am a little intrigued because it sounds a bit like a science fiction movie. In between his missions as they called them they kept him frozen – yeah that's right, like a bag of peas in the freezer. Wouldn't mind finding out how they did that!__

 **Later.**

 _ _Okay. So I've done it. I phoned the telephone number they gave and said yes I would serve. Hey, I'm not working at the moment so what else am I going to do? It'll stave off the hours of not knowing what to do with myself anyway.__

 _ _There are conditions though. I mustn't tell anyone. Who am I going to tell, huh? Valerie's been dead two years now, I haven't seen my son in all that time. I don't even know where he is. In truth I don't even know why I'm here sometimes. Anyway, Jack stop being so maudlin and concentrate. They will broadcast the information and I'll watch it on the telly I think, bigger screen. We also have our own catch-up channel should we need to see one of the blocks again. That is what they call them. Blocks of information, good and bad. Oh, and, get this, we also have our own telephone number should we need help of any kind! Ha, I don't think__ _ _I'm__ _ _the one who needs help – it's more like this bloody American is the one who needs help. I can see him swinging from the gallows already!__

 **Day One:**

 _ _It's actually three days since day zero but nothing of interest has happened. It's rained a lot, next door neighbour parked his goddamn car over the edge of my lawn again! Why doesn't he just fuck off! Stupid arse.__

 _ _Anyway back to THE TRIAL. It starts today. I have my favourite chair ready, a few drinks beside me. They're screening it after the watershed. I guess so the kiddies don't see it (as if that would stop some of them!). I thought I would write my diary after each session, you know get a feel for what is happening and so there is stuff I don't forget.__

 **Later.**

 _ _First off we were told a lot of the information we will be seeing are documents, files, photos and films hidden inside this Hydra organisation by people who worked for them but didn't agree with what they were doing. Must have been either bloody brave or bloody stupid.__

 _ _Okay so let me get this down whilst it is still fresh in my mind.__

 _ _Guys name, the American, is James Barnes. He was born in 1917 and I swear he doesn't look a day over 32! Showed us a photograph of him today. Bloody amazing! We were given a kind of short history of his life up until the Second World War. Regular guy, born in Brooklyn, New York (always wanted to go there you know), but get this, when he was 13 he met another guy called Steve Rogers and diary do you know who that was?__ _ _Only__ _ _Captain bloody America, God I used to play at being him when I was a little boy. Those were the days!__

 _ _Anyway, back to this Barnes guy. After they left school, him and Rogers enrolled in art college but then came the war. Barnes ended up with the 107__ _ _th__ _ _Regiment and as we know from history Rogers ended up becoming Captain America. Then Barnes' unit was captured by the Nazis and Rogers went in and rescued them. We had a bit of narrative then from Rogers (he doesn't sound like an old man either). Said his pal came back a changed man, the Nazis had used him for experimentation in their Hydra division (something to do with scientific research). But Barnes now often had bouts of depression and pain. It wasn't known exactly what had been done to him but Rogers said Hydra had been working on a super soldier serum similar to the one that was used on him. Maybe we can have two Captain Americas now?!__

 _ _The history continued with information on a unit formed by Rogers called The Howling Commandos and then pinpointed the mission where Barnes was lost,__ _ _presumed dead__ _ _. We were told that the Commandos continued under Rogers and then later under an English lass called Peggy Carter. Yada, yada, yada.__

 _ _We were then given a break for an hour and when it resumed we were told more about this organisation called Hydra. Started by some Nazis Johann Schmidt and an scientist Armin Zola (I think that was their names). Nasty looking couple of guys. Anyway, they ran us through their history from the Second World War until last year. They were the guys responsible for all that fuss across the globe, you know, the day everything seemed as if it was going to go tits up, people were going to be killed yada, yada, yada. Looks like we had a near miss when you hear what they had in store for us! (I should say for the sake of history thank god for the Avengers who seemed to have fucked this Hydra up good and proper!).__

 _ _To be honest up to this point I was trying to concentrate too much, my head hurt and I was getting a little bored. History never was my strong suit. I tell you what though, I said Barnes doesn't look over 32 but, I don't know, you look in his eyes in the photo and you get this feeling. I don't know how to describe it, you get this feeling he has lived forever and is tired, doesn't want to go on. Has maybe seen enough you know?__

 **Day Two:**

 _ _All the normal warnings were given – don't know why they bother. I know what to expect for christ's sake. I'm not a child!__

 _ _Okay so move on Jack. We heard what happened next to Barnes. I didn't realise at first but it was his voice that was speaking. He sounded like a regular guy and yet there in his voice was a softness you wouldn't expect from a soldier. I even remember thinking, 'Hey you're a soldier, suck it up man, its what they paid you for' – but then I realised I had forgotten something - many of these soldiers in that war didn't have a choice, they didn't choose to be there being used as cannon fodder. He reminded me. And then he started his story. I'll try and remember what he said:__

"When I woke up after falling, I was lying in snow. It was so cold and I hurt all over. In the fall I had broken bones, punctured organs, lost a lot of blood. I couldn't believe I wasn't dead. The lower part of my left arm had...been ripped off and a wolf was trying to make a meal of the rest of it."

 _ _(A goddamn wolf was eating him, shit!). He then went on to say a Russian patrol had found him. But it wasn't a rescue, more like the opposite. They made him try and crawl along the ground for a simple drink of water, decided to take him with them though and he was dragged along the ground with no thought or help with his injuries. When they got to where they were going they stripped him naked, tied him to a tree and used him for goddamn target practice. He said he thought he was going to die, he said he prayed he would.__

 _ _We only heard him speak for maybe ten minutes. He told us of how he lost consciousness and then the narrative swapped over and we heard a lady. She turned out to be a nurse at the hospital camp, that is where they had taken him, not to get help though, instead it was to sell his blood and organs on to the doctors.__

 _ _We got to see a photo of the lady, her name is Freya Bowman. (Afterwards I looked her up because it sounded familiar, she was the one who gave evidence at Barnes' first trial). She told us how his body had been brought into the camp, how she had assumed he was dead but had then realised he wasn't. When she told us that a few days later he was forcefully taken by Russian soldiers she came close to crying. Guess being a nurse in one of those camps would fuck you up big time.__

 _ _We then went back to the voice that has given a lot of the narrative so far, don't know who he is but he told us that Barnes was taken to a Russian interrogation camp but not a lot was known about his time there. They know he was tortured but then the Hydra people heard about him and rescued him from there. Next we were shown files written by two people within this Hydra. A doctor at the place where Barnes was taken next, Eric Jakobs, and an orderly Stefan Yegorov (I think thats how you spell it). We were told that they would be '__ narrating' _ _their part of the story by their written word. I get the feeling we will be hearing a lot from them.__

 _ _I should say as well through it all we have been shown files etc. but that translation was given for those of us who don't speak Russian! There were a few faded photographs and it took me a few seconds to realise what I was looking at. It was Barnes' broken body, it was a mess, the interrogators had all but taken him apart. The doctor included a list of the injuries and things no man should have to go through (and no woman either). It made me feel I was going to puke.__

 _ _But I guess at this point in the story he is safe now so I'm guessing things turned out okay for him in the long run. We'll find out more tomorrow.__

 **Day Three:**

 _ _I am so goddamn__ _ _angry__ _ _I could, I don't know I could spit. It's lucky that Barnes isn't here__ _ _right now__ _ _because I think I would put the noose around his neck myself and watch him gladly hang from it.__

 _ _The evidence given today was something called Mission Reports.__

 _ _A voice we had not heard before explained that Hydra turned Barnes into an assassin who operated for over seventy years. In between missions he would be kept in cryo freeze until needed. Okay, so I know I knew that going into this but this...this told me about the__ _ _people__ _ _he murdered in cold blood.__

 _ _They had that voice read out the mission reports. Some were sketchy, a few words here and there, others were backed up by newspaper reports of the time that they showed us on the screen. Civilian casualties were few but they said but they still mattered, those were people, lives that mattered to someone. The list seemed to go on forever. I felt at one point I was drowning. So many names, such destruction and all caused by this one bloody man.__

 _ _I thought Barnes was guilty before this started but maybe what had happened to him had done something to his mind...but then they showed me this and now I__ _ _hate__ _ _him. He had been rescued by Hydra, they gave him a new arm, made into a super soldier, and he killed for them. How? How can someone do that? Did he feel grateful to them? Was that his way of repaying their kindness? Did he__ _ _want__ _ _what they wanted?__

 _ _Listening to those reports you could tell some of the people who died by his hand did not die easily. At one point he had even admitted to killing some of Hydra's own men and women, people he was working with. Anyway - I know I'm going off topic, come on Jack pull yourself together!__

 _ _They sent him on his first mission on March 10__ _ _th__ _ _1948 (they told us that would have been Barnes 32__ _ _nd__ _ _birthday). The first mission was a general that the guy called Zola had fallen out with . They showed us a military photograph of the murder scene, and even in black and white you can see there is so much blood. The general's eyes are open and I swear I could see terror in them.__

 _ _Barnes' last mission was supposed to be the assassination of Steve Rogers in 2015 when everything kicked off. His own childhood friend! Thank God he failed that one. How can Rogers forgive him for all that he has done? I know they were best pals but even so. Makes me wonder at what I thought Rogers was, what I thought Captain America was.__

 _ _67 years__ _ _of these missions, of murder, of mayhem.__ _ _May Barnes rot in hell__ _ _. I was glad that the session ended. For the first time since I've started watching all of this I was glad to switch off and leave the names of all those murdered people behind.__

 **Day Four:**

 _ _What do I write? All of my anger for Barnes that I had yesterday has gone. I have heard of people having emotions like swings and roundabouts and never known quite what they mean. Yesterday I hated this guy, I mean I__ _ _really hated him__ _ _. Today? Well decide for yourself.__

 _ _When I sat down to watch today I had already made my decision and I thought, why carry on? I nearly phoned the number and told them that, told them just to put him down as guilty and throw the switch! But then during the night I was thinking, you know like you do when you can't sleep? They said Hydra rescued Barnes in 1944, his first mission was in 1948, and I thought, why does it take that long to train a super soldier, I mean he was already a soldier so what took so long?__

 _ _So even though part of me didn't want to because I thought Barnes should hang or burn and nothing would change that, I sat down for todays block.__

 _ _The block jumped to the end of 1945 and we were given back into the hands of the woman, Freya Bowman. She sounds so English but I know she's Russian. As I said, I knew a little about her from the first trial, from when the guy prosecuting had questioned her. Like with Barnes, it is hard to look at her photo and think of how old she really is. Her voice told the story whilst more files of typed reports and photos were shown on the screen.__

 _ _She told us about the day she was kidnapped from her parents home and forcibly brought to the Hydra facility and was reunited with Barnes. I thought here we go, a bloody love story because the papers had said how she had fallen in love with Barnes when she had met him at the field camp. Instead, we got a nightmare.__

 _ _I'll tell it as best as I can but I can't do it justice in the way she did. She described the conditions that she found Barnes in. There was me thinking he was sitting in clover with Hydra but it wasn't the case. They were still experimenting on him trying to find this super soldier serum. She told us about the injections, the radiation, the treatment by the other nurses. And all of her testimony is backed up by the two men they told us about at the beginning, the doctor and the orderly Stefan someone or other. I'll have to look up their names again. Barnes had been starved, beaten, raped, tortured. His body was a mass of open sores and broken bones...it was pretty sickening, no, it was more than that but I don't want to think about it. I don't want to know that there is a word that exists to describe this kind of horror.__

 _ _But do you know what I keep forgetting?__

 _ _I keep forgetting this is a trial, that I'm a juror. That this isn't a book I'm reading, or a tv series, it is real. These people are__ _ _becoming__ _ _real to me, I don't know if that makes sense. I've never served as a juror before, maybe this is how everyone feels? I think after I've written this I'm going to sit and read about the trial they began with. I don't remember them saying anything about what we are seeing now. Why is that? Why weren't people as horrified as I am? But I'm wandering off course again aren't I?__

 _ _Before it went on we were introduced to some more of the Hydra personnel and reminded of what it was they wanted to do, what they were planning for the world. How? How can that have been happening? How can we have allowed it to happen? Why didn't someone know? Why hadn't our governments realised or had they and they just rolled over?__

 _ _Bowman tells us that Hydra had thought they had finally perfected the serum and the only thing holding them back was James Barnes' mind.__ _ _HE__ _ _didn't want any of this. She said he just wanted to go home, how sad is that? She tells us about a Hydra propaganda film that was shown to James Barnes to 'lower his defences' she said. We then got to see it. It was like one of those old movietone reels they used to show in cinemas back during the Second World War. You know the ones, all in black and white, and the people in them walk a bit funny. Well this one was sad, it shows his parent's reaction to his death, and it shows the death of Steve Rogers. We know now that the information was doctored but he didn't know that. I wondered why they showed it to him. What bearing did it have? What 'defences' were they trying to lower.__

 _ _And then she told us and they showed the second film.__

 _ _Before it was shown new warnings were given. There would be a 'shortened' version shown first, then if you wanted to see the full version you kept watching. God, I wish I could say I only watched the shortened version.__

 _ _Freya Bowman's voice narrates in the places it is not possible to see or understand what is happening. But first she begins by telling us how James had begged her to kill him and how she couldn't, how she had failed him. I thought about that you know. They said she loved him, could you kill someone you loved? Could I have killed Valerie if it had meant she wouldn't of suffered with the cancer that took her in the end? Do you know, I don't think I could have, I don't think I could of been that brave and yet it would have been the kindest thing I could have done.__

 _ _The film started and we were in an operating room. We see Freya and the orderly bring James Barnes in. He looks drugged but you can still see such fear in his eyes. He looks so young. It made me feel sick to see him, made me feel like I was in that room with him. That fear kind of infected me, you know?__

 _ _Another nurse is preparing tools for an operation. We got to see later what those tools did. How am I suppose to forget things like that?__

 _ _There are armed guards in the room. The room is filthy, the light poor, the instruments horrifying. I began to get an idea of what was going to happen but I kept telling myself that no human would do this to another. I was still to stupid__ _ _not__ _ _to watch. The original sound track is barely non existent but you do hear some things. You hear later on the noise those tools made.__

 _ _We were given one more chance not to watch. I kept the screen on.__

 _ _Freya stays next to James, who is now on the table, you see him reach for her hand and she tells us he was asking her not to leave him alone with them, there are tears in her voice, you can hear them and I found myself tearing up but I couldn't stop watching. I saw her visibly jump when the door opens and two men come in. One I recognised as the director of the facility, the project leader, we'd been show his photo before. The other man was older, well muscled, but he looked sick. It was so obvious he did not want to be there.__

 _ _There is mumbled conversation between Freya and the nurse and Freya goes to give an injection to James but stops. She shakes her head no and steps away. Instead the other nurse gives it to him and Freya's voice breaks in to say it is not an anaesthetic. It is a drug to stop James from being able to move but he will still be able to feel, he will feel everything that is going to be done to him, he will be awake for the entire operation. She tells us that the two men who came in are the director (Lehmann) and a specialist doctor but then adds that after the operation she is told the man was not a doctor - he was a butcher from the local slaughterhouse. You can hear real pain in her voice. She says that afterwards the butcher was shot. He agreed to do the work because the director was holding his wife and child hostage. She doesn't know what happened to them. More victims of Hydra's.__

 _ _And I'm going to stop here. I can't do it, I can't write down what they did, what we were shown. Anyone who wants to see it for themselves can, its out there but god take heed of the warnings whatever you do.__

 _ _Do you know what was the worst thing though? With all the horror? I saw...I saw the moment James Barnes lost his mind. I saw it.__ _ _I saw it.__

 _ _Freya gives no excuses whenever she talks about how she says she failed James, how she did nothing. She does herself a injustice, I know that now. There was nothing she could have done. I wish I could tell her that because afterwards you see her eyes as well. You hear it in her voice even now. She will never forgive herself.__

 _ _The channel stopped then for the day. Although the block for today was shorter I can understand why. I wonder how many people across the world sat shocked as I did. I__ _ _know__ _ _they gave us warnings, I know what they said but...still...I saw a man lose himself today. It's was as if he lost his soul.__

 _ _And it makes me think. How do you come back from something like that? I guess you don't, not all of you anyway. In the final moments of the block we get to see a photograph of Barnes after the operation. It is 48 hours later. We get to see him 'placid', no light in his eyes. Freya goes on to say that for the following few days they teach him how to eat, walk but he doesn't speak. He is not able to do anything but sit and sleep. I remember Freya using that saying, 'The light is on but nobody's home'. I think she was right. James Barnes body may have been there but his mind was gone. She finished by saying the doctors still worked on him because they wanted to move on to the next phase – that famous left arm.__

 **Day Five:**

 _ _There was so much information to take in today. I am sure some of it I have forgotten. I'll add it as I think of it. Maybe that way it will seem better.__

 _ _I went in to today dreading what I was going to see. You know in all the warnings they gave us they told us a telephone line had been set up should we need to talk to someone. For the first time I understand why and I was tempted to ring it last night. I just wanted to ask someone...why are we doing this? and then I stopped. What was done to James Barnes was tragic but he is not the only person in this story is he? That is why I think they showed us those mission reports first. There are all of those people killed__ _ _by__ _ _him, they matter just a much as he does and if we are not careful we will lose sight of that. But by me thinking that does it make me a bad person? At the moment I don't know. I don't know what to think any more.__

 _ _And so what charming part did they have for us today? Ah yes the famous left arm. Surely all we needed to know was that they made him a new arm, fitted it and sent him on his way.__

 _ _How simple that would have been.__

 _ _They did get technical. Now I can just about change the fuse in a plug. Mechanics is not my thing. The arm was impressive yes, and no, I didn't know__ _ _two__ _ _had to be fitted. Why two? They just__ _ _had__ _ _to tell us didn't they?__

 _ _Why two? Because the Patient (that is what they call him now, Barnes that is) tore the first one off. He systematically took it apart bit by bit, tore his own skin to shreds getting it off, tore muscles, blood vessels, and all the while do you know what he said (Freya told us):__ "I don't want this. Take it off, please take it off." __And we got to see the photographs of the patient and the room afterwards. If__ _ _you__ _ _want to see take a look at the photos yourself, I don't want to think about them anymore.__

 _ _The long and the short. They fitted a new arm.__

 _ _We were then introduced to another Hydra affiliate – Johann Fennhoff who Jakobs explains will be responsible for the programming of__ _ _the Winter Soldier__ _ _. This is the first time we hear Barnes called by that name.__

 _ _Programming? Do I really want to know?__

 _ _We were given back to Freya. Her narrative again is given with details of files and photographs. There is a problem she told us, with the Patient and this is becoming evident more and more. His mind has split between two personalities. A gentle, placid side and a side that is insane, violent.__

 _ _No shit, Sherlock.__

 _ _And they were surprised? These Hydra people, scientists, doctors are surprised by what they have caused, what they have wrought? Have they never heard of the Frankenstein monster?__

 _ _We saw for the first time something referred to as the Master Chair. It is grim. Imagine if you will a dentist's chair (if you can get past the restraints on this one that is) but one that can change from being a chair to being a flat surface. Around and attached to this chair are what looked like computer panels and plates of metal. We were told this is where they will 'wipe' the mind of the Soldier and a similar chair is to be found in the programming suite. But those are only glimpses we are given of future things we can look forward to.__

 _ _During this time there were also details of the cryo freezing which will hold the Soldier in stasis for the times when he is not needed. Although they gave us further details I didn't understand them, or maybe I didn't want to understand them. We were shown the pod he slept in. You wouldn't get me anywhere near one of those yet alone in one.__

 _ _And we heard about__ The Constant _ _for the first time – that is what Freya Bowman becomes. I thought at first I had missed something because I had heard the phrase before, and then I remembered. In the first trial Bayer had covered this. I seem to remember though Bayer said that is how she 'controlled' Barnes, he had made it sound seedy, dirty. But now we heard from Jakobs and Stefan again.__

 _ _She wasn't there to control him as Bayer had said. It is not as simple as saying she__ controlled _ _him. Jakobs explained that she seemed to provide a stability that the Soldier needed because there were times when the Patient, or the Soldier, I don't know how to refer to him so from now on I will say the Soldier, would wake from cryo extremely violent. Several staff members and guards were killed, but when she was there then the sight of her seemed to calm whatever the panic was in him, the brutality of that 'dark side'. Those are not my words I am not some all-seeing all-dancing Yoda! They were Jakobs' words and if you had heard them as I did you would see they were no joking matter either.__

 _ _Do you know, I don't know when this became such a serious thing. I just know that in my whole 52 years I have never experienced anything like the details I'm hearing and seeing now and it makes my blood run cold. Have I been going around with my eyes closed all of this time?__

 _ _Stefan told us that Zola, who was a frequent visitor, called them Beauty and The Beast. He doesn't think Zola was trying to be poetic either. But if only it was that easy. Jakobs gives a list of Freya's injuries which she suffered at the hands of the Soldier, and it includes rape. The Beast was learning to hurt, learning exactly what it could do and it was his Constant that was suffering. At this point in the file we are hearing from Stefan who had grown close to Freya and he tells us she was offered a way out – death. But he says she made a promise to James Barnes and she would keep it." She promised she would never leave him alone. She loved him, it was that simple," he says.__

 _ _Didn't I read somewhere they wanted to prosecute her next? What for? For loving a man?__

 _ _The broadcast came to an end at that point and we were advised that the next one would be the day after tomorrow – they were giving us a day off from the horror. Or, are they just giving us the chance to prepare ourselves for whatever comes next?__

 **The Day Off:**

 _ _Today I woke early. I feel like I haven't left the house in days and I deliberately went for a walk in the park so that I could see someone, anyone. Breathe in fresh air, be normal. I sat on a bench and watched people walk by. And then I looked down at the ground. I could see the beauty of the planet but whilst I was doing that, what was going on beneath my feet, hidden in the dark? I'm not trying to be dramatic and as I read back through what I've written I can see how just these few days have changed me. How? It's a trial, they go on all the time. You see what the person did, you see who suffered, who is in the wrong and then you decide. How the hell do I decide?__

 _ _I arranged to meet up with friends this afternoon. That was a disaster. I hadn't seen them in ages and I thought we would have a lot to talk about, you know every day things but all they were talking about was the trial and I didn't want to listen to their arguments.__

 _ _I needed a break, I needed normality. God I thought, if this is how I felt just watching these things happen what must James Barnes have been going through. And do you know what I did? I went to the movies. I ignored the war films, the adult films and I brought a ticket for the children's film, some cartoon about animals and for an hour and a half I forget about people.__

 **Day Six:**

 _ _Hydra was no longer just some science department of the old German Third Reich you could see that. It was becoming so much more. It is frightening, do you know how close we came to losing our freedom?__

 _ _When the station came back on it was obvious from the many warnings that we were moving on to the big guns and when Freya tried to explain the mind wipe I felt sick. She explained it as best as she could, as it was explained to her. Seemed to make sense, but why I thought, do they need to do it at all?__

 _ _Jakobs at this point adds more victims to the list. He gave us details on how long they had been working to perfect the mind wipe. The many lives already put through that chair – the ones who had to be silenced afterwards with a bullet. The brains that literally exploded within the skulls.__

 _ _There was another set of warnings.__

 _ _Freya then talked for about fifteen minutes. She told us how the first wipe brought his personality back to one (or so they had thought). How it turned him into the super soldier they wanted. How their lives became as they would be for the next seventy years.__

 _ _Both of them would be asleep in those cryo pods until needed. They would then be woken for a mission. The Soldier would be programmed. Sent on the mission. Arrive back and give his mission report and then be wiped and put back into cryo again ready for the next one.__

 _ _She explained the difference between the mind wipe and the programming.__

 _ _Only it did not always go according to plan. But before she proceeded with any more details a film was to be played of the Soldier being mind wiped. It had been filmed in glorious technicolour after all technology was getting better the more time moved on. Why not use it?__

 _ _It is not a pretty sight. You see him strapped into the chair. Bands of steel hold him around both his arms and his legs so he cannot escape. Someone shoves a mouthguard into his mouth. People in the background are talking but I can't explain it, I couldn't look away from Barnes, from the Soldier. He looked so different to the Barnes we saw in the photos at the beginning but__ _ _I knew__ _ _it was the same man.__

 _ _A whining sound began and you see him jerk in the chair, you see him try to pull away as they bring down two metal plates onto his face and a huge circle of metal moves into place above him. His breathing was so fast, its as if he is trying to prepare for the pain. Can you do that? Can you make your body ready for that much agony? And then we watched as his mind was torn apart, as he screamed, the cords in his neck stand out, his body convulsed and you can see the nervousness but also excitement of the scientists around him. It is truly sickening. They were truly sickening. I would like to have sat__ _ _them__ _ _in the chair to have a go in their wonderful machine.__

 _ _Whilst I watched I could swear I could hear his bones snap, I could smell his flesh burn, and I watched as blood started to trickle from his ears and nose.__

 _ _I bolted.__

 _ _Hand on heart I couldn't finish watching it. Even after I had watched the horror of the operation with the butcher. I snapped the television off, grabbed my jacket and I bolted out of the house. Ended up back at the cinema, paid for a ticket and sat in front of that idiotic children's film again. I'm sure when I laughed it was more of a hysterical noise and I was aware of the woman two seats down looking at me. By the end of the film I was crying.__

 _ _When I finally got home I phoned the number they gave me. Someone on the other end listened to me, talked to me, brought me back down to earth.__

"Do you want to leave the jury service?" _ _they asked and I__ _ _wanted__ _ _to say yes. I so nearly did. But I said no, said I would stay because by now these people mean something to me. No one helped them, no one even tried. The least I can do is watch their story to the end.__

 **Day Seven:**

 _ _And now we are finally at the end.__

 _ _Hydra now had their Winter Soldier. There was not a lot left to tell us. Once the Soldier had become who he was then the mission reports became the story.__

 _ _Hit after hit, a long explanation of what the assassinations meant for the rest of the world. Thousands of people dying because Hydra decided to cause chaos within their countries, within__ _ _our__ _ _countries.__

 _ _The home stretch became more personal. We were treated to photographs of the programming room but no film was ever taken of that part of the process. Freya told of how the Soldier would come out of there barely able to stand, blood trickling from his ears and nose. She then explained other problems he was experiencing. The first lot of serum was faulty and she told us about the problems it caused, we saw more photos. Bones that grew incorrectly, marrow that rotted, teeth and nails that would grow under current ones and through it all he suffered and each time they took the suffering away by using the mind wipe. Only they didn't take it away did they? They replaced it with more pain that is all. She said how sometimes he would start to remember, start to question and then the migraines would come. We heard about how sometimes he would beat his head against the wall to try and stop the pain, stop those migraines. There were a thousand stories she could tell. He would weep, be unable to get clean after long hot showers, still convinced he had blood on his hands. He would suffer nightmares. Fits. He was told lies about her in programming, they made him paranoid, made him think she was going to leave him alone.__

 _ _She told us that how, unknown to her at the time, whilst they slept in their cryo pods, people she had known had died, the world still turned and those brave new people within Hydra carried on the task of hiding the information.__

 _ _She told of a mission where the programming had failed. James Barnes regained part of himself but instead of running, instead of getting away from them he chose to stay, chose to try and warn the person who was to be assassinated. But fate was against him, his handler at that time was high up in the US government, knew the victim concerned, stopped Barnes in his tracks. And although the assassination of Kennedy did not take place that day it was rescheduled. It did not happen though only because someone else beat them to it several months later.__

 _ _This last day of the trial was a bittersweet one. I felt I had come on such a long journey. I was glad to be at the end. The world out there has changed and not just for me. I now understood the warning they were trying to give but the last message was a poignant one. At the end of the trial someone gives a talk. They say that the trial was to be the warning being laid down to prevent organisations like Hydra taking hold again in the future. If I heard that before I would not have understood what they meant.__

 _ _I do now.__

 _ _A list of all the known victims of Hydra were given on the screen and it contained thousands and thousands of names but it is the last one on that list that concerned me – James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes. After all, that was why I was here. That is why I was chosen along with the others. It is James Barnes' trial.__

 _ _We were told that the last words would be his and then we saw him. Still looking like a young man but his eyes truly do give his age away. He is sat at a table, hands clasped together, metal against flesh. I could even see that now famous red star high up on his left arm.__

 _ _And when he speaks you know it comes from the heart.__

"What you have seen is the story of the Winter Soldier – __it is my story__. You must decide now whether or not I am guilty. For those of you who find it difficult to make that choice, let me tell you something. Let me help you. I __am__ guilty. I killed everyone of those people. Do not feel sorry for me. I don't want your pity. I want justice for those victims. That is all I ask for."

 _ _Then someone off camera asked him a question.__ "Do you even remember them?"

"I remember all of them, _"_ _ _he said, his eyes brighter because of the tears in them. And then the camera faded out. We were at the end. There would be no more information.__

 **...**

 _ _We were given forty-eight hours to make up our minds and then told to place the relevant call. Mistakes could not be made. There were two telephone numbers, one for Guilty, one for Not Guilty. Even when you got through they asked you to verbally give your answer. None of us can say they took our vote down wrong.__

 _ _Making that call was the hardest thing I ever did. Do I think I was right? Yes I do.__

 _ _I sit now with the rest of the world to wait for the final result.__

 _ _Will James Barnes live or die? Will he be found Guilty or Not Guilty? In my heart of hearts I hoped I knew the right answer because when I saw him in those last minutes I saw in his eyes. He wants to die. He believes he should.__ _ _He believes he is guilty.__

 _ _And do you know what I am going to do tomorrow?__

 _ _I'm going to find my son.__

 _ _And when I find him I am going to hold onto him and never let him go.__

 _ _How did I ever lose him in the first place?__


	102. Chapter 102 - The Finishing Point

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter One Hundred & Two: ********The Finishing Point****

How do you tell someone if they are about to live or die?

James Barnes is sat at the table. He has showered. He has on clean clothes, and has combed his hair and shaved. He looks fairly relaxed, calm even, but he isn't. If you look closely you can see the signs. His hands are on the top of the table but are clenched together, the knuckles showing white. He is looking at the surface and his eyes are clear, but inside his mind is working.

His fear is not because he is worried he is going to die; he has already accepted that eventuality. What he is fearful about is that when they announce his guilt, he will look and act like a coward. He wants them to see that he is relieved, even now he doesn't want those people to believe it is their fault he is to die. He also believes that if they think their loved ones were murdered by a coward then it diminishes those victims somehow. He can't explain it. He doesn't want people to look at him and see a monster even though that is how he sees himself but, he thinks, __that is too much to hope for. Because I am a monster.__

His mind is so confused. Every thought running through it is overthought, going around and around and his jaw is clenched, aching. He is so tired he could put his head down and sleep for a million years.

He is simply a man. One who has to die. One who has accepted his fate.

He knows that there is a camera on him which is currently showing him to the whole world. It is only fair that they learn his fate the same time he does. The screen is on the wall in front of him and the verdict is due to be announced within the next few minutes.

He is alone in the room. It is what he asked for. He so badly wanted Steve and Freya there with him but he knows he could not have remained this calm with them present. They are here, but in another room with both Tony and T'Challa. He takes comfort in knowing that afterwards he will be able to hold them, tell them they will be all right without him.

He just needs to be brave for these last few minutes.

In the other room Steve asks how long after sentencing they will carry out the punishment, and T'Challa is the one who answers: "He has asked that he be given a few minutes to say goodbye and then for the sentence to be carried out straight away. Unfortunately we were unable to agree to that."

Tony breaks in at this point to remind Steve that a delegate from each country must attend the execution, otherwise the public would not believe he was dead.

"For gods' sake," Steve shakes his head. __How do I do this?__ He thinks. __How do I lose him again because this time I know it will be final? There will be no coming back from this.__

T'Challa does not tell them that James has decided how to die. By gunshot. He will never tell them how James begged for his body to be destroyed afterwards - cut up, burned. That there was such a desperation in James's voice at that point.

Jarvis breaks in to tell them that it is time.

The screen opposite Bucky lights up and he looks up at it. His heart is thumping so hard he thinks everyone must be able to hear it, and there is a fine sheen of sweat on his brow. He squares his shoulders. He is ready.

It will list each of the thirty-five countries and how their jurors have voted: Guilty or Not Guilty. At the end of the list the tally will show and then the final verdict underneath.

Everyone holds their breath.

As each result comes up Bucky blinks. In his mind he is telling himself he is going to die, that he will be at peace soon, these people have found him guilty because he is guilty.

He looks at the final tally, then at the final result.

In the other room Freya begins to cry and Steve takes her in his arms and holds her tight as his own tears come. He kisses the top of her head.

T'Challa shakes his head, almost as if in disbelief. Tony looks on the pad in his hand and frowns. "Jarvis, can you just double check that for us?" he asks, and Jarvis tells him he has double checked, he has tripled checked.

The verdict is correct and final.

James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes has been found - Not Guilty.

But it is not that that has surprised them. Each country listed has the words Not Guilty shown after them. __Every single one of them__. The screen shows the jurors' individual verdicts, and each one of them shows as Not Guilty.

They haven't just exonerated James Barnes; they have sent him a message. Yes, he pulled the trigger, yes, he held the knife, but no, the crimes were not his. He is a victim of Hydra just as much as the people he killed.

He does not deserve to die. He deserves to live.

They have forgiven him, and now it is up to him to forgive himself.

 **...**

Jack Harper cries as he watches the shock on James Barnes face. He is not the only one in the world. Each juror in each country had a difficult decision to make but all of them, every single one of them felt they had made the right decision. That it was not right for James Barnes to die for these crimes. The verdict is a message for the organisation Hydra. They are saying the remnants of Hydra will be found, it will be hunted down and it will be eliminated for it's crimes against humanity.

 **...**

James tries to stand up, looking towards the door because he knows the others will be coming through it at any moment.

"A mistake, it must be a mistake, " he says as the door opens. He gestures to the screen and a billion people see the look of genuine shock and disbelief on his face, and even some of the toughest of them tear up. It is so obvious that he believes he is guilty, that he believes he should die, that he should be called on to pay for the crimes. But they know it is not a mistake; even those who were not on the jury voted innocent in their own minds. The only people out there who are in disagreement are those who thought it would go their way; Hydra's people. Each one will get their head chopped neatly from their Hydra body. Each one starts to panic.

"But, it can't be right, it can't be, there must be some mistake." Bucky steps forward. He keeps pointing to the screen even as Steve reaches out for him, Bucky's eyes searching his to see the truth, the mistake made. Steve's hand is on his shoulder and Freya is talking to him.

"It's not a mistake. They have found you not guilty, James. You are __not guilty!__ " and the tears are running down both their faces. He looks beyond them to Tony and T'Challa, who shake their heads to indicate it is not a error and T'Challa smiles, and it is that smile that breaks Bucky.

"But I murdered your father," he says softly and T'Challa comes forward.

"I know and I have forgiven you. My father forgives you. And now, my friend, you are on the hardest path. You must forgive yourself."

Tony also walks forward, pressing a button, and the screen changes. They all look up and it shows hundreds, maybe thousands of people stood looking at a gigantic screen in some plaza. The people are cheering and at first Bucky does not realise what is happening. "We had to make it public so everyone would see. We couldn't hide it because we were worried that if you were found not guilty people would think it was a conspiracy. Looks like we didn't need to," Tony says.

He flicks to the news services who are reporting on the verdict. Bucky sees himself on the screen, sees the verdict being shown, sees the genuine shock on his own face.

He turns back to Steve who still has his hand on his shoulder, to Freya who is watching him, her eyes worried and he tries to smile but he can't. His own eyes tear up and a look of fear enters them and then panic and Steve's eyes widen as he feels Bucky begin to tremble. Freya puts her hand out to steady him.

"I can't live," he whispers and shakes his head "How? I don't deserve it. I can't live. I don't know how to. I can't go out there, I can't...it's a mistake!"

And then he gives in to the panic and his knees give way and he sinks sobbing to the floor, his hands and arms come up over his head as if to hide. Tony turns to see what is happening, and as he watches Bucky fall to the floor he tells Jarvis to switch of the cameras.

 **...**

You take him in your arms as you have so many times before and you rock him gently, your voice calm and soothing, telling him everything will be all right. Telling him there is nothing he needs to do, telling him to breathe deeply. You can feel him clinging to you as if he is drowning. You hear Steve ask if you can be left alone and you hear the others leave, the door closes and now there is just you, Bucky and Steve. Both of you help him to a seat and sit opposite sides of him. You pass him tissues and wipe his nose as if he is a toddler who has fallen down and hurt himself.

You look at Steve and mime drinking and he goes to fetch some water and brings it back for Bucky to drink. You watch as Bucky looks at Steve with fresh tears in his eyes. "I can't do this," he says shaking his head and you both know what he means. He can't live. He has spent the last few weeks knowing he is going to die only to be given a reprieve at the last minute. His mind cannot cope with the sudden reversal.

Steve's voice is as tight as Bucky's. "It's time for you to come home, Bucky," he says.

At first they don't think he has heard but then he closes his eyes. "I can't. I...don't make me leave here," his voice cracks.

You watch as Steve swallows as he tries to get his own emotions under control. Sam had warned you both that this may happen; that Bucky would panic, that he may not want to leave this safe environment. You have already made plans that Jeff would come with you back to the new Avengers compound. Bucky will need stability, familiarity.

Steve smiles, makes sure Bucky is looking at him. "Hey, I'm sure you can stay here for as long as you want, you know T'Challa has gotten used to you being around. But well, I did kinda promise when you left we would take Jeff Gordons with us. He's going to teach me chess so I can beat you hands down. Tony's been spring cleaning and we have the new complex up and running. Got you a room ready and everything." He leans forward, those blue eyes of his begging Bucky to say yes. "We miss you so very much Buck, what do you say huh? For us. For Freya and me. Please come home."

You are now both quiet to let Bucky get himself under control because you can see he is trying to and your heart goes out to him.

Bucky clears his throat takes another drink of water. You take the snotty tissues from him.

"Do you think..." and you stay quiet because you know he is trying to pull himself together, "...that Tony fixed the results?" he asks.

But Steve is shaking his head before the question is finished. "He was as surprised as we were. He even asked Jarvis to check and Jarvis had already done that."

You will find out later that the people manning the 'guilty' telephone number had one call and that turned out to be someone calling to order a pizza. The people on the 'not guilty' phone lines were inundated.

"What do I do?" he asks you, his eyes wide, blue, pleading for you to tell him because his mind doesn't know how to cope.

"You live," you tell him quietly.

 **...**

And over the next few months Bucky finds out that the results were not fixed. Could __not__ be fixed. What happened was real. He gets to find out that very few people think of him as being guilty. Tony has put a package of information together which is sent to all governments. It contains bank details, names, addresses and other details of Hydra members, of Hydra assets (all except the most important one that is - that one belongs to you and Steve and there is no way you are letting go of it.)

Bucky is asked to give interviews and appear on TV shows but he declines all of the requests, all of the offers. For someone who as a young man was outgoing and gregarious, he has become quiet and introverted. It is going to take time to bring him out of his shell. At first he will not even leave the Avengers complex.

And that is because there is something that you have all forgotten that he hasn't.

He didn't think it would be a problem because when they executed him he would take it with him but now? Now he is going to live and he is dangerous. The Soldier may have gone but the programming hasn't.

The words still have control over him, those accursed barbaric words. He wishes he could forget about them but they begin to haunt him. He dreads that he will hear them, dreads that someone will say them: __longing, rusted, seventeen, daybreak, furnace, nine, benign, homecoming, one, freight car.__ He knows he must tell someone, he knows time may be running out.

You and Steve watch over him, and he barely leaves your side. He is needy, not in as much as he says anything it is just you can feel it. If one of you strays away and then the other he comes looking for you, a small bubble of panic in those beautiful blue eyes of his. The presence of Jeff Gordons helps. He has become a permanent feature around the facility, someone useful and he is definitely someone you want around if ever there is going to be a fight.

The complex has been set up the same way the tower was. Each of you have your own room but most of the time the two of you sleep in with Bucky. There have been a few times when Steve has been called away on Avenger business and so you have had Bucky to yourself. Sometimes he will talk, ask you questions about your past, about things that happened to him and you always answer truthfully. But after a while you begin to realise there is something worrying him, something on his mind.

When you finally realise what it is, you cannot believe you had not thought of it yourself. How can you be so blind? So stupid? You of all people. You should have realised straight away,

He is not just worried that Hydra will still come after him. He is petrified because he knows that if they do, they are still able to control him with the trigger words, with their phrases. And now he knows they can because he asks you to use the words on him. A controlled experiment he says, with safety measures so he cannot hurt you. You arrange for the experiment to go ahead.

They sit him in a room with Steve sat next to him. You are sat in the corner because he needs you there in his line of sight. Tony is the one who is going to recite the words. The room is set up like a police interview room and so one wall contains a one way mirror. Sam is in the corresponding room with Janis, a man called Martin Beck and Jeff. Phil Coulson is also there.

Bucky has asked you to restrain him, put him in cuffs. However the decision was made not to because unless they instruct him to, he should not become dangerous.

It is chilling.

You watch as Tony starts to repeat the programming words. Even though Bucky knows what is happening, even though Steve is there every step of the way, you watch as he fights against every one of those words. You watch the effect they have on him, the pain he is in trying to fight them until the last one is said and then...

...then he goes quiet. He looks at you coldly. Tells you he is ready to comply.

You close your eyes and when you open them he is still looking ahead waiting for instruction. His eyes are blank, his breathing steady, his hands still clenched from trying to fight against the inevitable.

You stand up and move over to him and he watches you. You crouch down in front of him, take his hand.

"Red, white, and blue, it's time for you to sleep now, Soldier." Your voice is quiet, calm and the minute you finish the last word his body sags forward and Steve catches him gently moving him back into the seat. His eyes are closed. He is out cold.

When he finally comes around an hour later he cannot remember anything about what happened and he has a blinding migraine. The first thing he asks though makes you want to weep. "Did I hurt anyone?"

You tell him no but he will not believe you until he is shown the video of the experiment.

You and Steve lead him to his room and put him to bed, on the way you have to quickly divert to the bathroom where he is sick. Two minutes after you get him into the bed he is out cold again.

Whilst you leave him to sleep a meeting is held. The people around the table are his friends, his colleagues. Yourself, Steve, Sam, Nat, Tony, Phil and Jeff. They have asked Janis to be in on the experiment and she is also there together with a fellow hypnotherapist.

"Surely somehow if he is programmed to respond to these words then he can be...I don't know, reprogrammed to ignore them?" Steve is saying to Janis.

"It's not that simple. From what Tony has shown us the programming they used did not just consist of the words. They used drugs, torture, even electrotherapy. His mind must be..." but Janis cannot think of the right word to use.

Her colleague, an older man, Martin Beck, who has trained people including Janis in hypnotherapy and has been involved in reprogramming people caught up in cults, tries to explain.

"We are all programmed from day one and then right throughout our lives without even knowing it. Unconsciously, your parents will have programmed you on how to behave, how to treat people, how to view the world. Really __programming__ is just a word to explain how we learn to think, feel, behave. The problem with James is that the programming they used on him was more of a brainwashing technique, forced and then coupled with the mind wipes this is going to need a whole new approach and I for one, sat here now cannot guarantee we can clear his mind." You go to speak but he holds his hand up and smiles at you: "But I'm not saying we won't give it a bloody good try."

You cannot help but try to smile back.

"Well anything you can do, anything you can think of would be much appreciated." Tony has arranged for both Beck and Janis to stay at the complex for as long as they need. Janis staying this close to Sam will not be a problem.

It will be easier for them to arrange their wedding.

 **...**

The next few months are strenuous on Bucky. You are glad he is safe at the complex because Tony has received a warning from an old friend, James Rhodes, that people in the military are still interested in the super soldier serum. They are still interested in the Winter Soldier. And whilst they have never considered using Steve Rogers, they still think of James Barnes as fair game.

In the end to get them to back off, Tony uses the might of the press and social media against them. Several newspapers, news services and internet sites are sent __leaked__ documents showing both the government's and military's interest in James Barnes and their plans to utilise him in their __crime against terrorism__. Terrorism? No, they want him as a weapon for war. They want to use him for experimentation. The document actually shows the invasive nature of the experimentation planned and it is just as Emgee had shown in her political art. Just as you had said so many months ago. He would be held prisoner in a laboratory being tortured for the __greater good.__

The point that the powers to be have missed is the public's affection for someone who was once the most hated man in the world. He has served his time, served his sentence and now he must be left alone. Tony announces to the new services that Barnes has been recruited into the Avengers team. He __will__ fight for his country against terrorism, but he will fight as a free man.

All this while Bucky works with Janis and Martin as a team to try and counter the words in his brain, the ones which can turn him into anything his enemy wants him to be. You and Steve are by his side every step of the way. Sometimes it feels like you are winning, sometimes you feel you are losing, but Bucky is determined never to be controlled by anyone ever again.

During this time Tony is also working on a project he is keeping close to his chest, something to do with Jarvis. And finally by the time Sam's and Janis's wedding comes around you all have something to celebrate.

Six months after the trial, a new Avengers team is set up and it consists of two new members: Bucky Barnes, and Vision. You are astounded when you first learn that Jarvis has an avatar, you are even more astounded when you meet him. Tony does not know what to feel. He has lost Jarvis, he knows he has and instead the team have gained a new fighting force. The body created for Jarvis is strong, and no one quite knows how but he is different, no one can quite explain it, not even Tony. It is as if a new type of human has accidentally been created.

 _ _During this time Steve and Bucky have a conversation that they make sure Freya never finds out about. Steve had asked Bucky if he has thought about the red star that is still emblazoned on his left arm. "I thought if you wanted we could maybe change it, you know make it into an Avenger logo or..." and Steve shrugs to show it is just an idea.__

 _ _It is something Bucky has already thought about and dismissed and he says this to Steve who frowns. "Why did you dismiss it?" he asks. Bucky had made sure they were on their own before replying.__

" _ _It doesn't bother me, does it bother you?" he asks Steve.__

" _ _No, of course not, look forget I said anything," Steve smiles but can see that Bucky isn't being totally honest. "Tell me," he says quietly. Bucky is silent for a few moments.__

" _ _Freya," he says and Steve shakes his head, he doesn't understand. "I carved the star into her arm and her thigh Steve, I__ branded _ _her with them. She can't get rid of either of those. What do you think she would feel if I just upped and changed mine? What message would I be sending to her?" Bucky points to the star. "I want this to become something worthwhile. It's part of me, it's part of her. I want to turn it into something positive, like your shield, rather than people looking at it as….." and he doesn't know what to call it. A disfigurement?__

 _ _And Steve had understood. He traced the red star on Bucky's arm with his finger then looked at him. "Have I ever told you Barnes, how much I love you?" he said.__

Tony has also found a way of solving Steve's worry about Clint. He presents Clint with a new weapon, well, more of an improvement on the old one. He gives him what looks like a bullet magazine but when Clint opens up the end of it instead of bullets sliding out arrow heads do.

"What am I supposed to do with these, throw them at the enemy?" Clint asks looking at one, and then weighing it in his hand.

Tony tuts and takes it off him. He turns it around and gives it back to Clint. "No. Hold it between your thumb and finger like this," Tony shows him and Clint does what he is told, shaking his head as if he is finding the whole thing funny.

"Now press down on it," Tony says and Clint does. He feels a slight vibration in the arrow head and then watches stunned as the arrow head __unfolds__ – that is the only way he can think of describing it. The arrow head becomes a fully fledged arrow.

"Wow!" Clint turns it, weights it again, looks along the length. He can tell from experience the arrow feels perfectly fletched.

He looks at Tony then at the magazine and Tony fills him in. "They can hold up to two hundred arrows each, and of course that then just limits you to however many magazines you can fit on that belt of yours."

"Can I...?" and Tony knows exactly what Clint is asking. He's like a kid with a new toy.

"Knock yourself out Barton." Within the facility is not just a gun range but an archery range as well.

Clint is finally well armed and in no danger of running out of arrows. Steve claps Tony on the back and nearly knocks him out. "You did good."

"So glad you approve," Tony says drily.

The day of Sam's and Janis' wedding is a beautiful one. Everything goes off without a hitch and soon you are wishing them the best as they fly off on honeymoon. The wedding was held at Janis's parents church and you know during the service people watched not just the wedding but the guests as well. After all James Barnes is rarely seen in public and both he and Steve were asked by Sam to be the best man. Security is extremely tight.

You stand with Nat watching and she nudges you when Janis walks up the aisle and you both smile. It is something you know neither of you will ever do. Janis had asked you both to be bridesmaids and as much as you have come to like her you both declined and you think really she is rather glad you did. "Impractical dresses. Nowhere to hide my knives," Nat had explained with a straight face.

The team are coming together. Everything is working out well. You and Jeff have become part of the group even though you do not fight. There appears to be a million other things that keep you two busy just running the Avenger facility.

 **...**

The day after the wedding Steve had told you and Bucky he had a surprise for you both. He would not tell you what it was. Instead he made you both get in the car. The Avenger facility is about a mile outside of the city and and he drove you about another five miles into the countryside and then turned up a driveway which was about half a mile long. Eventually he drove into a yard and made you both get out.

You look around. To the side of you is a house facing you. It is a rundown farmhouse built of wood but still it has appeal and even has a rickety old fence around it where someone once maintained a garden. The house has a traditional porch running around what looks like the extent of the house. You would reach it by going up the five front steps.

In front of you and next to the house is an old barn then to the other side is a paddock. "Well, it's a field with a wooden fence around it, but you could land a Quinjet in it," Steve says. "Come and look."

You and Bucky exchange a smile as Steve heads for the barn first. He opens one of the doors and goes in with you following. You look around, okay it is a barn with old hay in it and the smell of summer. There are a couple of open pens that once held horses or cattle and in one of these you see Steve's motorbike. He is talking, his voice excited as he pulls Bucky over to the next stall.

"And in here we can set up a kind of maintenance bay and finally do up that old truck you keep insisting on driving which breaks down every minute."

"Hang on a minute Steve," Bucky is looking back at you frowning and then looks forward again. "Are you saying this is for us?"

Steve stops and looks at him, then he looks at you and you see the smile on his face begin to disappear. "Well yes," he says and then looks back at you and stumbling over his words starts to try and explain he thought you would both like the property, and it dawns on you that Steve is trying to tell you and Bucky that he has bought a home for you all.

"Been talking to Clint?" Bucky says, but it is not a question, more of an observation.

"Yes how did you...? Well look it's not a farm, it used to be a small ranch but it has enough room for us. You can repair things here in the barn and Freya, you'll love the house..." and he stops talking and neither you or Bucky can resist the look on his face.

"And there's lots of room for dogs to run around," you say and Steve grins.

 **...**

After he had pulled you and Bucky around all the rooms in the house and told you his ideas for what you could do to them, neither of you could have turned him down. The farmhouse has five bedrooms, one for each of you if you need your privacy but all three of you know that you will end up most nights in the same room. Not just for the sex, but for the company. You may as well be honest with yourself, you sleep with both men and they sleep with you and each other. So what if it is not normal in someone else's world? It's normal in yours and that is all that matters.

There will be nights you will want to spend on your own, same with Steve but one of you will always make sure Bucky is not alone so when he has the nightmares, when he is being chased by the horrors in his mind he doesn't wake alone and in the dark screaming. At least one of you will always be there to hold him close and tell him it was just a dream. To tell him he is safe.

You hear them gallop down the stairs and back out to the barn like children and you peer out of the window and watch. Steve is such a big kid, at the moment he is trying to arrange a trip to Disney for all of you because they have set up an Avengers ride there. You are not sure what Disney is exactly because you thought it made films and had shops that sold childrens toys. Steve makes you laugh, makes Bucky smile. He has this way of looking at the world that reminds you it is a beautiful place.

And Bucky? You love the man so much it hurts. Every so often you see the shades of the old James in him, see him stop and do something and it makes you just want to hold him and never let him go. But if you are honest, deep down hidden away in you is a place where your memories of the Soldier belong and you miss him. You do not and could not miss the pain he caused you, but you miss him holding you because he needs you, because he doesn't know how to live without you, the way he would look at you when he had started to remember who you were. And sometimes you feel as if you could curl up and cry for him. What he had been wasn't his fault; he was created just as Tony has created Vision, only he was tortured into being. Bucky had told you he had gone of his own free will and you hope that when he left he had found peace.

You turn away from the window and look around the room. A home. You have never had a real home and you feel a burst of excitement, Steve is like that, he can infect you with happiness and maybe here Bucky can start to sleep peacefully and know he is safe. You leave the room to join them in the barn.

 **...**

Nightmares though come in different forms.

The pains you had experienced whilst Bucky's trial was on had stopped and you breathed a sigh of relief. But about three months after you had moved into your new home, the new pains began. You began to feel tired a lot of the time, pale, your joints ache, you are good at hiding it from Bucky and Steve but when you begin to lose weight Bucky especially becomes concerned. You tell him you are on a diet and he frowns; he tells you it's the last thing you need. They make you promise you will talk to Anita about it. You take to wearing baggy clothing so they don't see your bones poking through and you start to sleep more often on your own, when they mention it you chide them and tell them you are being kept awake by their snoring. "I need my beauty sleep," you say to them and smile as if you do not have a care in the world.

All of you have had enough nightmares for one lifetime and you pray each time you are crippled with the pain that someone will make it go away. It's not the dying that panics you, its leaving Steve and Bucky alone. You know they will have each other but you know your death would hurt them and you do not want either of them to have any more pain or loss in their lives.

But it seems that often what you want and what you get are two different matters. You eventually make an appointment to see Anita because you have started to feel faint and you cannot keep food down. You can count your ribs and yet other parts of your body start to swell. Without even doing much you find you are exhausted at times. You cannot catch your breath just walking up the stairs. And all the time you hide it from them, hide everything. But you do not realise in the long term that all you are doing is putting off the inevitable and it will just make it more difficult for you to tell them what is wrong when the time comes. It will also be more difficult for them to take it in out of the blue.

But you tell yourself you are keeping them in the dark with all the best intentions. __After all, it may all go away.__


	103. Chapter 103 - The Next Part

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter One Hundred & Three: ********James, Bucky, Steve & Freya - The Next Part Of The Journey****

You have not told them but they __have__ noticed.

You are pale. You are not eating properly. They have watched you push the food around your plate as you pretend to eat. They notice how you hold yourself. How when you think you are by yourself you try to stretch but instead get cramps and end up close to tears. They see the unexpected nosebleeds you try to hide. How you sleep more, especially in the afternoons and how you have been keeping to your own bedroom using the excuse that they snore and keep you awake. They see the way the headache tablets run out at an alarming rate. They know you and although you have learnt the art of lying, it is something you will never be an expert at, especially with them.

Steve rings Anita and books you an appointment and they both drive you to make sure you go. They even watch you enter the clinic. You tell them you do not want them to go in with you, that they are acting like hysterical mother hens and you pretend to be annoyed at them for having done this.

You are not annoyed. You are frightened. Something is seriously wrong with your body and you know there is.

Anita asks you what the symptoms are even though Steve has told her. At first you try to shrug it off, but the fact is that Anita can make you talk. You explain the dizziness, nosebleeds, the cramps that leave you unable to breathe because they are so painful, the sickness, the pain in your joints, the headaches and - worst of all - you tell her how you have blacked out twice. She examines you, takes blood samples and asks you to pee into a bottle. Anita discusses the possibilities of illnesses that could cause the pain and symptoms but she does not want to make guesses. The results will take a while but before she allows you to leave she gets you booked in for another appointment.

When you come out you scowl when you see the men waiting for you in the car park, leant against the car. You were going to take the bus. James snorts when you tell him this. Steve is straight to the point.

"What did she say? What's wrong with you?"

You lie and this time you sound almost truthful. "She thinks it's fatigue, pure and simple." You blind them with waffle. "I need to rest and there are tablets she can give me."

"And what caused this __fatigue__?" Bucky is not going to let you off lightly.

"I'm nearly ninety-eight years old Buck!" you exclaim. "Have you not noticed the grey in my hair?!"

"You've __always__ had grey in your hair!" he points out.

You pretend to be annoyed. "Do you want me to remind you that you two have fully functioning and working serums in your body? I don't. I have a fucked up small amount of one in my body. Come on guys, do you really want me to explain what happens the __older__ a woman gets? Do you really want the personal details?" You are deliberately cold with them.

Bucky and Steve look away. Steve is blushing. No, he doesn't want to know. Most men do not want to hear about __women's problems;__ and telling them it is __women's problems__ is the easiest way to deflect their questions.

"I didn't think the menopause would affect you considering you've been sterilised," Bucky can still be blunt.

"Look, Buck, just because they took some of it away doesn't mean the rest of isn't going to play up. My body's getting old, its been... _ _misused__ , and its changing. It happens to all women. Okay!" You open the car door and get in the back. James gets in the front and Steve drives.

"But you're all right, yeah?" Bucky turns back to you and asks and you keep up the act and look at him as if you are exasperated.

You blow your fringe out of your eyes. "Yes. I'm fine. I may look as if I'm in my thirties but I told you, I still have the body of a ninety year old." And that ends the conversation.

Your act begins anew as over the following week you hide so much from them. You pretend to eat but don't let them know you bring most of it up. You try and put powder on your face to stop you looking so pale. You don't let them know you fainted on the back porch and came to when a rabbit of all things hopped onto your chest, surprising you as much as it did him. You don't tell them about the headaches that make you flinch in the bright sun. You avoid them as much as you can.

You figure what they don't know won't hurt them.

 **...**

Your next appointment isn't due for a few more days but Anita rings early one morning to say she wants to see you straight away.

"I'm sure whatever it is can wait a couple of days," you say quietly down the phone. You don't want James and Steve to know who it is you are talking to.

"No, it won't. Freya. I need to see you __today,__ " Anita says.

You make an excuse to the boys; they think you will be at the Avenger complex for most of the day catching up with paperwork. You take the car and leave it at the complex and then take a bus into town.

Anita's clinic is downtown in a busy area. You are ushered through to Anita's office and she asks you to sit down. She won't meet your eyes and you begin to worry. She pulls her chair up close and rests her hand on your knees.

Then she looks at you.

"I know what it is that's wrong," she says. Her eyes are glazed with tears and your heart sinks.

 **...**

When you leave her office she offered to drive you home or call a taxi but you decline. You want to walk a while, be by yourself, think things over. She asks if you want her to tell James and Steven, and again you say no.

You cried in her arms when she told you and she wept with you. After everything you have been through, after everything they did to you...

She books in another appointment and tells you that it will be the first of many.

You arrive home late in the afternoon.

When you drive in you can see the door of the barn is open. You walk over to the barn guessing the pair of them will be tinkering with the pick up truck. But as you draw nearer you hear music and you know they are listening to the old record player. Steve fixed it up to play out there and you recognise the song. It is one of their songs, Jimmy Dorsey's 'I'll Never Cry Again'.

Without letting them know you are there, you peer around the door. They are in front of the truck and they are dancing. Slowly. Steve is holding Bucky and Bucky's head is rested against him, tears slowly trickling down his face. This happens with Buck from time to time especially when they play the old love songs. Steve's eyes are closed and he is murmuring, telling him everything will be okay, stroking his hair.

They need to be alone, and so you quietly back away and go into the house.

 **...**

You have to tell them. They need to know. They have the right.

After dinner they sit at the table bickering. No matter how many times you have asked them not to bring car parts into the house, they still do. Right now they have something from the engine of the truck laying on newspaper (at least they remembered to put it on top of something this time), and are having a vocal exchange on how best to repair it. They both have different ideas neither of which seems compatible with the other.

It is now or never.

You pull out the chair on the opposite side of the table and sit down.

"What do you think? Which one of us is right?" Steve asks, and you smile.

"How would I know? You know me I just don't understand how anything mechanical works," you say.

But James looks at you and you can see he knows this is about something else. He knows you better than you know yourself. He has taken in your pale cheeks, your quietness this evening and the fact you have sat down opposite them.

"What is it?" he asks, and Steve looks from James to you, realising something is wrong.

You look at both these men who mean so much to you. You know it is going to be a shock for them. It was a shock to you, you had no idea what Anita was going to discover. You wish you could make it easier for them.

"I went to see Anita today for the results of the tests." Your voice runs dry and you clear your throat and without wanting them to you your eyes tear up.

"I thought you were going to the complex..." Steve says frowning.

"You never said you were going there! Why didn't you say?" James is annoyed with you, they would have taken you, been there, looked after you.

You don't reply.

"And?" James's voice is quiet. His eyes are wide and you see such a look of fear in them that he is trying to bury.

Your hands are in your lap, twisting together.

" _ _And__?" he repeats.

You take a deep breath and look at both of them.

"I'm pregnant," you say and burst into tears.

 **...**

The room is silent except for your sobs. Your emotions feel like they are all over the place but your tears are ones of happiness and relief. Really you are still in shock over the news.

Both men sit there stunned. They don't think they heard you correctly. Neither of them know what to say until slowly smiles creep up on their faces and they realise how frightened they had been of losing you.

"Pregnant as in..." and James holds his hands out to indicate a big fat stomach.

You nod because you can't talk. You are snuffling into a hankie.

Both men glance at each other, grinning, and Steve actually punches Bucky in the shoulder. Then it is if they suddenly realise you are in the room and may need them. They jump up and come around to your side of the table and crouch down in front of you.

They both talk at once. So many questions yet through it all you can hear their excitement, their absolute happiness and you are touched. It makes you cry even harder.

"How...?"

"But I thought..."

"I don't understand..."

"I didn't think you could..."

"When, when's it due?"

"They," you say, and the room goes quiet again.

James looks at Steve, and Steve looks back at him, and then they look at you and you smile.

"Twins, there are two heartbeats," you say.

Both men rock back on their heels and Bucky scratches his head.

"Lucky we have plenty of room then," he says.

" _ _Twins__?" Steve repeats, looking incredulously at you.

 **...**

"But why are you so thin?" Bucky had asked. It has been a long while since they have seen you totally naked. You did not tell them that your stomach and joints have started to become swollen even though the rest of you had lost so much weight. Pregnancy was just something that had not occurred because of the sterilisation. The pain threw you off as well, there should not be the amount of pain in pregnancy as you have been having. It is all to do with the overworked serum in your body. Anita has warned you it is not going to be an easy time for you.

"You have to promise not to be angry," you say. It is the following day and they have had time to think of questions and so now you need to be completely honest with them. "I was having some bad pains a while back..." and Bucky goes to say something and Steve stops him. You continue. "I think from what the scans show that __things__ were literally growing back. The serum I have in my blood stream could never do that, it can help but it would not be strong enough and as we know, it is not even stable. Well..." and now you feel your cheeks flush. How can this be so embarrassing?

"Well?"

"Well, um. Anita reckons where I've been having intercourse with both of you and the serum is in your...well, you see it's not just in your blood it's in your..." and you leave things there hoping one of them will finish it for you but instead Steve blushes and Bucky grins. "In our...?" he asks innocently.

You frown at him and your cheeks take on even more of a rosy glow. "Your semen and all your bodily fluids if you must know!"

"Well, who'd have guessed and you've...got everything back?"

""Well..." you put your hand out and move it as if you were trying to balance something out. "More or less."

" _ _More or less__. What does that mean?"

"It means it's going to be a difficult pregnancy. There are problems and Anita is talking about having a caesarian section, especially considering my age and...well, I think the best thing is to just take it day by day don't you?"

You do not want to scare them. You do not want to tell them everything yet. Yes, the serums have encouraged regrowth but not all of it is correct and as it should be. There is no danger to the babies __(babies!)__ but other parts of your body have suffered where the serum has concentrated on your lower body. This accounts for some of the symptoms you have had that do not usually accompany pregnancy.

The tests and scans show you are about fifteen weeks or thereabouts. Anita has scheduled weekly appointments. You are still feeling sick and have terrible headaches but now you will not even take paracetamol. You will take no chances with the health of your babies.

 _ _Babies.__ That word keeps resonating in your mind.

 **...**

And later when you are lying awake in bed, both men either side of you because from now on they will not allow you to sleep on your own, you think of the question, the one that you could not help but wonder. The one that neither of them have thought to ask you. And for that you are grateful.

The one question Anita asked you and you had to say you honestly don't know.

Which one of them is the father?

Now that you have reached fifteen weeks you require invasive tests. They are tests that they do not like to do but they need to check on what exactly is happening in your own blood and what you are passing onto the children. Anita has said that as a result of the invasive tests they will be able to do a paternity test. Your mind keeps swinging back and forth. Do you say yes or no? Do you want to know? It doesn't matter to you who the father is but Anita points out that sometime in the future they may need to know the babies' medical history, especially given Steve Rogers' pre-serum state of health. There are also two sets of different serum involved so all the information they can have available on the twins is important. It's a minefield. In the end you say yes but you say nothing to Bucky or Steve.

Anita calls to tell you the results are back and you realise they have every right to know, just as you do. You decide you should all find out at the same time. Bucky and Steve have come with you for the next scan so they can see the developing babies for the first time. You all sit in her office. You are finding it difficult sometimes to sit still for very long. Anita has previously asked you if she can divulge all the information to James and Steven (that is what she calls them) and you have given permission. Anita first tells you that you are carrying boys.

But even you are in for a surprise with her next bit of news.

"Well you know now that you are expecting twin boys..." she says, reaching for her coffee. You always find Steve and Bucky are usually very quiet around Anita; she seems to scare them. "We would not normally like to do tests this invasive unless we felt they were very necessary, and under the unusual circumstances we felt they were. From them we have discovered several other things."

"First off you two are both the fathers. I felt with the nature of the circumstances, paternity was something we needed to know. It is something that happens rarely but it is possible. Literally two eggs became fertilised from both of you with in the same ovulation period. The medical term is non-fraternal although you're probably more familiar with the term non-identical twins."

You are stunned. You did not know that was even possible. The men are more than stunned. They are both quiet, they look at each other, then at you

"Don't blame me," you say.

And then they look back at Anita.

"So...?" James says, sitting forward as if he has misunderstood.

"So you are both the fathers of the children Freya is carrying," Anita repeats and James cannot help but grin. "But..." she continues, leaning forward. "We know now that each child carries the serums in their blood and we don't honestly know what that will mean." She needs to be honest. "This is a pregnancy we are going to have to watch carefully. The babies seem perfect, they seem to be growing at the same rate normal babies do, but I am worried about Freya's health." You make a noise to indicate it is nothing. She ignores you. "If anything happens or seems out of the norm to you it is imperative you contact me or the hospital, I can't make that clear enough."

And so when you get home they wrap you in cotton wool. After just two days they drive you up the wall. You love them both dearly but you could batter their heads against the wall and in the end you have to tell them: _"_ _ _Leave me alone! I'm not going to break!"__

You need your space. You need to be able to breathe and you feel you are suffocating. It is making you bad tempered and crotchety. You understand their concern but this cannot continue. You sit down with both of them and in the end reluctantly they agree on several things.

Firstly. There are nights you want to sleep alone. You want to be able to spread out in the bed, you want to be able to get up to pee without one of them following you. They make you agree to having a __baby__ __monitor__ in the bedrooms so if you have any problems you can call out to them.

Secondly. You want to do things around the house without them taking things away from you and insisting you sit down. "I'm not going to break," you keep having to tell them. You promise not to try lifting anything heavy or climb any step ladders. As if you could; the bump is beginning to get so large and heavy that sometimes you feel as if you are going to fall over and not get up.

Thirdly. They can leave you alone. You have promised you will get a mobile phone, one of the ones they can keep track of you on. Nearer your due date they want to employ a nurse, or a companion to be with you. Anita agrees with them on this one so you are outnumbered. "Okay. But nearer the date," you say to them.

Fourthly. You are allowed to go out on your own, especially to your antenatal appointments. They agree providing you use a taxi and not the bus.

And finally, you tell them, they must stop arguing over names for the boys. You didn't think it would be so hard. In the end you insist they can choose one name each and those names are not to be family names; the boys are __not__ to be named after anyone. 'They will be their own people, I don't want them tied down with any more baggage,' you say and both men can understand what you are implying. They agree on the understanding that the boys will carry your last name – Bowman. That is unexpected. You had not even thought about that but it is obvious they have. They make you cry again. You blame the hormones.

And so an uneasy truce begins between you and them. But as time progresses they begin to get used to you being pregnant, being so huge that they find it funny at the most irritating times. You find it difficult to bend down, to stand next to the sink and reach the taps. You find you have cravings and once it was so bad Steve drove all the way into town to pick up some gherkins because he found you sobbing at the kitchen table with an empty jar in your hand. "I don't even like gherkins," you had sobbed as Bucky had tried to wipe your eyes dry. And there is food you cannot eat any more, food you know you love! Coffee, the smell makes you want to vomit but you had such a craving for it you actually ended up eating a spoonful of it from the jar. Bucky looked at you as if you'd grown two heads.

"Unbelievable " he muttered, taking the jar away from you and putting it in the top of the cupboard where you couldn't reach it. After he left the room you went to get the stool but within minutes he was back and took the stool away as well.

"Bloody men," you muttered.

By this time you have five dogs around the house. Four long dogs of mixed breed, and a tiny dachshund. All are from the pound and were due to be put down when Bucky and Steve had turned up to get a single companion; you now have a pack. You are sure that either Steve or Bucky are supposed to be pack leader, __the alpha__ , but you are wrong. A month before, a flea ridden moggie had turned up on the porch in the pouring rain. You had opened the door and it had stalked in, walked up to the dogs who were curled up on the rug together, crawled into the very centre of them and buried itself in their warmth. It has lived with you ever since. You have had a few issues with the cat, a flea bath for instance but now you have an uneasy truce with it as well.

All in all you think domestic bliss reigns. Or so you like to think.

For the first time in your life you are happy; not just happy but __blissfully happy.__ Although there are nights you convince yourself of what a terrible mother you are going to be. There are nights when you are sleeping by yourself and you cradle your stomach and wish the James you knew could be there to see the wonderful father he will make; you put that down to hormones as you can cry at anything and regularly do.

But there is also something the men do not know. You say a thankful prayer every night, not a religious one but a simple thank you to life for giving you this opportunity. For giving you so much after you have lost so much.

And silently as well, you always say a prayer for the little one you lost. You will not forget her; somehow you know it was a girl. Neither Bucky or Steve know that you know about the child. You know they were, and still are, trying to protect you. You had discovered the information by accident and when you did it nearly broke your world. Nat had helped you through it, and you don't think you could have got through it without her. When you had discovered the truth you had rung her up and asked her if you could meet her for coffee to talk. You wanted her to be the one you spoke to because you know she would be the one to understand. The one who knows what it is like to be given a second chance.

Strangely enough you also got to talking to her about the Soldier and Nat understood. You admitted how you can never forget him, how you still love and miss him. How you pray for him. And she listened, she did not judge, she truly understood and for that you will always be thankful to her.

And so everything is ready.

The nursery is decorated, and the men have even chosen names although you are not sure where from and in truth they themselves don't know. Steve has chosen the name Christopher, and Bucky has chosen the name Sebastian. They said they heard the names and they just seemed – right.

You like to think you are ready and not terrified at this next part of your life. But you will not fail. These children are precious as are all children. They have the best fathers any child could ever hope for and they are wanted. What more could they need? What more could any of you need?

Pepper and Tony held a baby shower. __So weird, these Americans__. All your friends came, you never realised until now how many you have, how many love and care for Steve and Bucky. But then you realised something else just as precious.

They do not just care for them; they care for you too and they care for each other. What better gift in the world could they have given you than that?


	104. Chapter 104 - Sticks and Stones

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter One Hundred & Four: ********Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But Words Can No Longer Hurt Me****

"Bloody men," you say loudly to yourself as you hit the steering wheel. It is 9.30am. You are already too warm, fat, and uncomfortable. You are meant to be meeting Steve and Bucky around ten and you have Bucky's newly repaired truck which has just stopped at the side of the road and refused to start again.

You count to ten and try to start the engine but there is nothing, not even a whine. You know from experience it has died and you won't get it started again. Not until Bucky has _ _tinkered__ with it.

You are about five miles from Steve's old apartment – you think - which is where you need to meet them. Steve is finally moving the last of his things out and into the new house before handing the keys over to the new occupier. You were not supposed to be involved but Steve phoned this morning to say he miscalculated and that not all his things are going to fit in the van they have hired. You agreed to drive Bucky's truck over for the remaining items. To be honest you didn't mind as it got you out of the house but now...now you feel fractious and bad-tempered. It was all you could do to fit the bump of your stomach behind the steering wheel and it is turning into a very warm day.

You get out of the truck and find your phone but as you hold it up those magic words appear: __No Service.__ No, there wouldn't be would there. That would be too much to hope for.

You have never been to Steve's apartment or, in fact, this side of New York. You look around. The area is built up. You ferret out the instructions Bucky wrote and look at the paper. It has written instructions and he had even a drawn a map. The only problem is you can never read either man's writing. It is pretty illegible and makes little sense.

You take out your bag, lock the truck, blow air through your bangs and turn to waddle down the street. You are ten days away from the date of your caesarian and you feel huge.

You begin walking, looking at the instructions as you go. You think you have it figured out and you should be there probably in about an hour. They will just have to wait. Maybe you could hail a taxi, but then looking around you don't think that is going to be a possibility. The area you are in is quiet, residential, with barely anyone around. From time to time you try your phone but it still says __No Service.__ You thought in today's world everyone can contact anyone with a push of a button. Technology hates you though, and you should have known that by now.

You keep walking. Keep waddling.

 **...**

" _ _Look, all I'm saying is that you don't need to keep those."__

" _ _Yes...I do," Steve takes the sketchbooks out of Bucky's hand and puts them back in the box. "Don't push me on this," he grumbles and Bucky can't help but feel warm inside. Steve had kept all of Bucky's old sketches from college and even now will not part with them.__

" _ _Well, all I'm saying is you don't have to."__

 _ _Steve stops what he's doing. They stayed at the apartment last night packing up the last of his things. He thought he had hardly anything left, but it is surprising how possessions build up. They had ordered in a Chinese and eaten sat on the floor, with cold beers and a bag of plums (one of Bucky's favourites) to accompany their food. And they had talked. At first about nothing but then about the future.__

 _ _They both have a future. They are both going to be fathers – and it terrifies them.__

" _ _What if...?" they kept saying, and in the end Steve had laughed. "Listen to us will you. We've fought off aliens, saved the planet at least twice, been through god only knows what and now we're panicking over what to do with...with babies!"__

 _ _And Bucky had smiled back at him, ducking his head and Steve had reached over and put his hand on the back of Bucky's neck and gently pulled him close, looked into his eyes. "We are going to make fantastic, fucking fathers," he had said, using a rare swear word. And then he had kissed Bucky and the food was forgotten.__

 _ _Now he looks at Bucky again. "I know I don't have to keep them but I want to," he says and they are in danger of forgetting that they are running out of time as Bucky reaches out and pushes Steve's fringe out of his eyes.__

" _ _Don't get all mushy on me now huh? " he says, trying to quote Han Solo as if Steve were his Princess Leia.__

" _ _I knew I should never have introduced you to those films," Steve groans, but the phone ringing interrupts them and Steve picks his mobile up and grins at Bucky. "It's Sam," and Bucky nods and returns to packing whilst Steve talks to Sam.__

" _ _Anything wrong?" Bucky asks as Steve finishes the call and is frowning.__

" _ _No. Well, I don't think so...Sam says they got a call to say Magnus Sitwells fallen of the radar."__

 _ _Bucky's stomach turns but he doesn't let Steve see the panic that threatens to engulf him at the mention of a possible problem.__

 _ _Jasper Sitwell was a Hydra agent who had lost his life whilst in the custody of Steve, Sam and Nat. It had been Bucky as the Winter Soldier, that had actually caused Jasper's death. His older brother Magnus had also been with Hydra and although nothing could be proven against him, he was one of those targets being watched by Coulson's people. At Jasper's funeral Magnus had vowed revenge on those who caused his brother's death.__

 _ _Steve doesn't know why but the call leaves him feeling unsettled. Jasper was little more than a Hydra office boy' whereas Magnus is ex-military, a nasty piece of work with a score to settle.__

 **...**

You have left the residential area and are walking down paved streets with small shops. You end up standing in a small plaza with a trickling water fountain next to you. The last thing you need to hear is running water. The sun is getting warmer and you feel sweaty and your hair is sticking to your face.

You look around. There are four possible exit routes out of the plaza and none of them are shown on Bucky's hand drawn map because it only covers the main road; as he assumed you would be driving.

You take your phone out and try again. You say a little ' _ _yay!__ ' to yourself when you see there is service now. You call phone Steve's mobile. No one answers and it goes to answerphone. You try Bucky's and get the same.

"If you two did less mucking around and more concentrating this wouldn't happen," you murmur, frustrated that you can't talk to them. You leave it a few minutes and then try Bucky's phone again and when the same happens you leave a message.

"Buck, your truck has broken down, again! It's on the street, I hope it gets bloody well towed. I'm on foot, but I don't know where I am. It would be really great if one of you could pick up your goddamn calls! And Bucky, for a soldier your map drawing skills stink! I'll try and find someone who can direct me so god only knows what time I'll be with you." You know you are angry but at the moment in the hot sun, standing with swollen ankles you don't care "Call me!" You disconnect the call but leave your phone on.

You look around again. There is a small cafe open with seats outside and sat at one the tables is a dark haired, pleasant looking young man. There are so few people around you don't really have a choice.

You walk over. When you are about four feet away from his table, he looks up from the magazine he is reading. Seeing you heading his way he takes of his sunglasses and strangely enough for a second you see an almost resigned look on his face, it makes you hesitate but then he replaces it with a smile. Such blue eyes and in a way he reminds you very much of a young James which makes you feel that he is trustworthy. Nat is always nagging you about being too trustworthy of people.

The round table is between you both and you put your bag on one of the empty chairs.

"Hi," you smile and he nods. You look at the piece of paper in your hand.

"Sorry to bother you but I wonder if..." you start to say and then hold the paper out to him meaning to show him the map but instead he sits forward and takes it from you and it stops you mid-sentence.

"Sure no problem..." he says and you frown. "Have you a pen?" he asks.

"Um...yes," and you open your bag and find one and then hand it to him. "I just need..." you begin to talk again to explain you need directions as he takes it, turns over your piece of paper and writes something down.

"That's okay," he says looking back up at you. "Hey you're English, aren't you? Are you here on holiday?" he asks, returning your paper and pen to you. You look at what he's written but can't quite decipher it but his question deflects your thinking process and you look back up.

"Um, no, I mean I'm not English, I'm from... Russia, and I live here. Well, not here but just outside of the city," and you feel yourself blushing because you are waffling and he is looking at you as if being polite.

"Actually I just needed..." you start again wanting to ask for those directions but as you do a blond haired man comes out of the cafe and up to the table carrying a tray. He is speaking. "Couldn't get those biscuits you like so I got us..." and then the man sees you and he looks at the seated man and you see something communicated between the two of them. The second man smiles at you as he puts the tray down in front of his friend.

"Hi..." he says uncertainly and looks at his friend again who gestures to the piece of paper and pen in your hand. The blond man nods, and he reaches forward and takes them out of your hand. He looks at the paper then turns it over and looking around for something to rest it on finally sets it down on the table and scribbles something. "You don't look as if you have long to go?" he says, nodding to the big bump in front of you. He has Steve's smile you think to yourself, and you can't help but smile back and rest your hand on your protruding stomach.

"About two weeks," you say as he hands your paper and pen back to you.

"Boy or girl?" the seated man asks and you want to be polite.

"Boys, two, I mean twins," and he nods.

"Wow, you're going to be busy!" he says and his friend sits down and takes the drink and food from the tray and puts it in front of them.

You pick up your bag, smile and nod.

"Well I must be off," you say taking a few steps backwards and almost colliding with the table behind. "Um, thank you for the..." and you indicate your piece of paper although you have no idea what they wrote or why.

Then you turn and walk away.

As you walk away you look at the piece of paper and what they have written.

 **(Authors note:** Please see at the end of the chapter.)

 _ _What the hell? American's are so odd,__ you think to yourself. You turn the paper back over and look at Bucky's map again. As you walk you look to see if there is anyone else that could help you with the directions – maybe a woman this time.

 **...**

" _ _Well I think that's it," Steve says looking around the empty bedroom. All that is left now is dust bunnies and he has someone coming in to clean through ready for the handover. Just as he thinks that, there is the sound of someone knocking on the door. Strange, he thinks, that they didn't use the intercom downstairs.__

" _ _Must be the cleaners," he says to Bucky and walks through to the other room to open the door. Bucky follows and reaches out to pick up some tape to seal up the last of the boxes.__

" _ _Hi guys, come on in," Steve says holding the door open and four men in overalls trudge in. Bucky turns to see them and as he does something niggles about the way their caps are riding low over their faces.__

" _ _Steve!" he shouts, but too late as one of them reaches out and presses a high voltage taser into Steve's side making him cry out in pain and his body spasm. The others pull guns.__

" _ _Jesus... fuck," Steve groans but as he goes to move forward one of the guns is not just aimed at him, it is put against the side of his head.__

" _ _You might be Captain fucking__ _America," the man growls, "but I doubt even you could survive your head being blown apart."_

 _ _One of the other men goes back to the door and opens it allowing a fifth man to walk in.__

 _ _Magnus Sitwell.__

 _ _Bucky goes to move but Sitwell indicates the gun next to Steve's head. "Yeah go on, risk it why don't you?" he sneers, guessing correctly that Bucky will not risk Steve's life.__

" _ _What do you want?" Steve asks, his voice sounding shaky and Bucky can see he feels nauseous, he needs time to shake the taser's effects off. Sitwell smiles.__

" _ _Just your lives. You murdered my brother, I'm here to take what is due. Your lives for his, simple." Sitwell has a backpack and is reaching inside it.__

 _ _There are to be no negotiations. Nothing. Bucky believes it is to be a simple execution with no time to think, no time to...but before he can move, his mobile sat on the top of the counter rings. Steve tries to reach for it but instead his hand is pistol whipped. "Leave it!" one of the men growls.__

 _ _The ringing stops and they hear the answerphone ask for a message to be left. Then a voice.__

" _ _Buck, your truck has broken down, again! It's on the street, I hope it bloody well gets towed. I'm on foot, but I don't know where I am. It would be really great if one of you could pick up your goddamn calls! And Bucky for a soldier your map drawing skills stink! I'll try and find someone who can direct me so god only knows what time I'll be with you. Call me!" and then the phone disconnects.__

" _ _Well, well that is one angry woman..." Sitwell says and they see the knowledge dawn in his eyes. He looks at them both and then smiles an unpleasant smile. He looks at the four men holding weapons on Steve and Bucky.__

" _ _I think gentlemen, that we may be here for a bit longer. If I'm not mistaken that was Bowman. As in these gentlemen's little girlfriend. Now if I remember right the news said she's pregnant - twins no less. If we hold on for a bit we can get three for the price of one with her," and he laughs.__

 _ _Bucky steps forward, jaw working, teeth gritted. "You even think of touching her..." he says and one of the men hits him hard across the face with his gun but it barely moves Bucky back a couple of steps. He takes another step forward and the man lowers his gun to Bucky's knee.__

" _ _It would be my pleasure to cripple you," he says, looking at Sitwell for permission.__

 _ _Sitwell studies Bucky for a second and then shakes his head. "Don't want him to bleed out before the woman arrives. I want them to watch her die," his voice is cruel, firm. "You, back up against the wall with your boyfriend and sit down," he indicates both Steve and Bucky to do so.__

 _ _When they are sat Sitwell crouches down in front of them. "I have a special treat for you all, especially for you," he indicates Bucky.__

 _ _Bucky sits there, mind working. Seeing possibilities, dismissing them. Whatever they need to do they need to do it before Freya arrives. If he were alone he would take the chance, throw himself straight into the fray but he can't risk Steve even though he knows Steve feels the same. This needs thinking about. There are five of them which does not worry either man. It is the weapons they need to watch for; any of them could take away half of their head, take out a stomach and both know the men will not hesitate to use them.__

 _ _Bucky also has to take into consideration the__ surprise _ _Sitwell has for them. The unknown factor. Does it mean there is someone else? Something they can't see? A bomb which would take out the building and all the families living here? Whatever it is the answer is in Sitwell's backpack which is over the other side of the room, out of reach.__

 _ _They have a little time on their side and Bucky turns to look at Steve and he knows they are thinking the same thing.__

 **...**

You finally head into one of the shops to ask directions. It is a small bakery and you feel you cannot just ask your questions so you purchase some rolls and a bottle of water before asking. The woman behind the counter calls someone in from the back and a man comes out and looks at your map.

"So where is this supposed to be?" he looks at the drawing and directions and you give him the address. "Hang on," he says and disappears into the back room.

Your back is hurting, your feet feel twice their size, your head is beginning to pound and your sense of humour has all but dried up. You wouldn't like to be in Steve's or Bucky's shoes when you finally get hold of them.

The man comes out and is holding a smartphone. He clicks on a few buttons and then asks you to repeat the address and he taps it into the phone.

A few seconds later he is scrolling through and then he puts the phone down on a table, takes up your piece of paper and begins to add things to your map. When he is finished he then shows you. The good news he tells you is that as the crow flies you are literally five minutes away, then he looks at your bump and revises that to ten.

You thank him profusely and leave the shop. You waddle out to a bench and sit down. You feel shaky, you are sweating heavily and one of the babies feels as if he is kicking. You drink some water down and pull at one of the bread rolls and eat some. As you sit there you try to concentrate on relaxing. You thought you might ask the man to call you a taxi but you are so close to Steve's address now it would be a waste of time.

You take out your phone again and call their numbers. You just get the answer phone so you leave another message. One of the children in your belly kicks you again and you put a hand on your bump.

"Whoa there sunshine, I know I'm annoyed with them, but don't you start! You should be on my side not theirs!" you grumble and you smooth the bump as though you are trying to soothe them.

 **...**

" _ _Okay guys, last warning. I'm about ten minutes away and one of you had better be at the bottom of those stairs to help me get up them!" the woman says on the phone before she hangs up.__

 _ _Sitwell smiles and goes over to his rucksack and takes something out. He turns and shows it to the two men sat against the wall. Steve has no idea what it is, but Bucky does.__

" _ _Got you a little present. After all I didn't say I was going to do the killing." And Sitwell holds up a soiled red book which has a black star etched on to the front.__

 _ _Steve looks at Bucky. He has gone pale and his eyes have widened and when Sitwell held the book up he heard Bucky whisper the word no. That is when Steve guesses what the book is and Bucky looks at him.__

" _ _Buck I'm here, just remember..." Steve begins but one of the men aims a booted foot and kicks him viciously.__

" _ _Get him up," Sitwell says as he leafs through the book and two men drag a struggling Bucky to his feet. He fights them until a third man holds the gun next to Steve's head again.__

 _ _"Please don't do this," Bucky's voice is heart breaking as he begs Sitwell not to use the words.__ __Steve has no option but to sit there and watch as Sitwell reads them out and turns Bucky into what he dreads.__

" _ _Longing, rusted, seventeen..." and Bucky fights every word, tries to block hearing them but then at the last one he quietens, stands still. There is a thin stream of blood that trickles from his nose and a vein has burst in his eye.__

 _ _"Well Soldier?" Sitwell says.__

 _ _Bucky's voice is flat as he tells Sitwell that he will comply.__

 _ _Sitwell smiles. "Won't be needing this any more," he says to Steve and closes the book and puts it on the side. He then picks up both a knife and a gun and walks up to Bucky, stares into his eyes. Satisfied with what he sees, he hands the weapons to Bucky.__

" _ _So, Soldier, your last ever mission for us. When the woman comes through the door you are to go to her, smile and then use the knife. Stab her in the stomach, ensure that you kill her, ensure that the bastards she carries are dead and then use the gun to kill your buddy here," he points to Steve. "Last of all you put the gun to your own head and fire. Do you understand?" And then he tells Bucky to repeat back his words. His mission.__

 _ _He does.__

 _ _Steve tries to talk, tries to say something but one of the men hits him again and then before anything else can happen the buzzer sounds. Freya has arrived downstairs. Sitwell goes over to the speaker phone and presses the door button but doesn't say anything. The door downstairs will open.__

 _ _Bucky walks forward to Sitwell who is now standing next to the door and as he does he brings the knife up. "There is one thing I don't think you understand..." Bucky's voice is quiet but menacing and Sitwell realises he is suddenly close behind him, he tries to turn but he is too late. Bucky is close enough to reach out, pull his hair back and draw the knife forcibly across his throat. It all happens so fast. Sitwell feels a painful, stinging sensation, tries to cover his throat with his hands but there is suddenly so much blood that he can't stop it. He can no longer breathe, can only watch as his legs give way. He sees his blood splattering to the ground.__

 _ _Bucky is already turning and takes out three men with three shots whilst Steve has jumped forward grabbed the other man and forces him to his knees in a choke-hold, the man's eyes flutter and then close and he lets go. The man falls unconscious to the ground.__

 _ _Bucky turns back to Sitwell who is on his knees his life force all but spent, his eyes closing. He bends and pulls the man up, looks into his eyes. "You think I can't protect my family? You think I'll let you touch them? You think you can control me? Your words just don't mean the same to me any more, and they never will again." They are the last words Sitwell ever hears.__

 **...**

"Can't even be bothered to come and help me," you mutter as you reach the final set of stairs. You are so hot by now you feel like you are going to catch fire. Your skin is clammy, your ears are humming and you feel like you can hear the very blood going around your body and your heart is racing to keep up with it. Steve's door comes into sight and as it does it crashes open and Bucky comes out at a run

You feel dizzy and you hang onto the banister. You are so ill-tempered and uncomfortable you cannot help but swear at him.

"Took your bloody time didn't you? I mean come on, Buck, I'm nine months pregnant with __your__ babies!" you growl but he sweeps you into a bear hug and you can hardly breathe. "Hey, hey come on," you say because you can hear him saying he is sorry, there is a desperation in his voice that worries you and immediately you calm. Your anger is gone. No matter what, you can never stay annoyed at either of them. "Hey come on, I'm just grumbling, ignore me. I'm just hot and bothered thats all." As you say that the baby kicks again only this time it hurts and as Bucky lets go of you, you grab the banister again and groan. "Jesus what are you doing in there..."

And then another pain hits you.

"Freya?" Bucky's voice is suddenly full of panic as he takes in the sight of you. You take a deep breath and stand up as straight as you can. Your face has gone deathly pale.

Steve is just coming out of the apartment, he has his phone and is talking hurriedly to someone.

"Oh, __so now__ you answer your calls!" you say, trying for humour, and then you see it. Blood. Bucky is flecked with it, it is on his hands, on his shirt. A vein has burst in his left eye. Steve has blood over his shirt and Bucky sees your face.

"We're all right, it's okay, it's okay..." he says holding his hands out as if in supplication. "Um, you can't go in there, I'll take you..." but your eyes are wide, you are shaking your head no. "It's all right, I promise," he says again as Steve comes off the phone and comes to your side. "Its okay, we're all right," he says to you as he had heard what Bucky was saying, has seen the shock on your face but then another pain hits you and you cry out and would have fallen on your knees if Steve hadn't reached out to hold you up.

"Oh my god," you say. You look at them, fear for them still in your eyes but then something else sweeps that thought away. "I'm..." you try to say something and both men look at you, holding each side of you, "...the babies," you say.

"What?"

"The babies," and you try to pat your stomach. "I think..." your eyes widen. "I think they're coming!" and each man pales.

"But they're not due yet."

"I know!" you say.

"They can't come, not now..." Steve literally yelps as if he expects you to do something.

"Well I can hardly stop them can I?!" you snap as another contraction hits you and they lower you to the floor to sit against the banister. You can hear sirens in the background, and they sound as if they are coming closer. Steve is back on his phone and Bucky is crouching next to you, holding your hand, telling you to breathe just as your waters break.

You can hear what Steve is saying and suddenly it all seems so funny.

"Yeah that's what I said, four men dead, one unconscious and a pregnant woman whose gone into labour. Do I have to repeat myself agent!?"

 **...**

 **Two Months Previously**

The room is quiet, almost serene. James Barnes sits in the chair. Steve is sat next to him. Bucky's eyes are closed, his breathing regular.

Martin Beck and Janis sit in chairs opposite Steve and Bucky.

They could not clear the words from Bucky's mind. It was impossible. But Martin had the idea to change the meaning of the words instead. They have been working with him to do this.

This is their final session.

Martin's voice is even, soft. "You listen to the words and as you do, the meaning for each one has changed, evolved, they no longer have any hold over you..." He nods to both Janis and Steve. He says each trigger word in Russian and then follows each in English.

 _"_ _ _Longing...you look out over the snow at the peacefulness of the vast whiteness and you feel the longing you have for peace.__

 _ _Rusted...you can see the machinery, stopped, dried up, unable to work any more, dead but at peace, rusted into shape and never to move again.__

 _ _Seventeen...the gathering of your friends, all of them there, all of them to help you, all of them to care.__

 _ _Daybreak...early in the morning, you're jogging, breathing in the clean air, you feel calm, at one with the world.__

 _ _Furnace...you open the door, see the flame but it cannot touch you. You throw the last vestige of your anger in there and close the door.__

 _ _Nine...the nine heads of Hydra are lying at your feet. The beast is dead and can rise no more.__

 _ _Benign...bringing peace to you, a gentle graciousness that fills you and makes you whole.__

 _ _Homecoming...Steve and Freya opening the door of your house. They welcome you, take you in their arms. You've come home.__

 _ _One...this is who you are now.__

 _ _Freight Car...that can never again railroad you. You are free. You are no longer controlled.__

 _ _Red, White and Blue Soldier time for you to sleep now, your mind is clear from all confusion. You are free now, you can open your eyes."__

Bucky opens his eyes, he breathes in deeply and then looks at them and smiles.

"I'm me. I'm finally just me," he says.

This is the final session. Their job is done. The spell is broken and words cannot harm him any more.

 **...**

 **Authors note:** At this point indicated in the story there is normally a picture of what Freya is looking at but I cannot include it on this site - it is an autograph of Sebastian Stan and Chris Evans.

 **...**


	105. Chapter 105 - What If & The End Journey

**WARNING : Please note this is a dark and sometimes disturbing story. Everything happens for a reason and everything has a consequence. **

**Please do not read if you are easily offended.**

 ** **Chapter One Hundred & Five:****

 ** **Bucky - What if?****

 **The Winter Soldier - The End Journey**

 **Bucky - What if?**

It had taken Bucky so long to get his life back.

When he had first returned home, to the complex, he was frightened. Scared of his own shadow, petrified – not ashamed to admit it now. And in his mind he kept asking __What If? What if I can't protect Steve? What if I can't protect Freya? What if Hydra come after me and I fail to protect those I love? What if they turn me again? What if I fall apart?__

 _ _What if?__

 _ _What if...?__

He came to hate those two words.

He knew that he would never forgive himself for what he has done. Because how could he? How do you ever get over something like that? _ _I murdered those people.__ The guilt is always there. _ _I'm alive. I'm free yet they are not. I took their lives, I took their futures from them.__ He tries to bury it deep. Tries to clamp down on the moments of panic that threaten to engulf him.

Yet as time moved on he began to realise there were days he did not think about looking over his shoulder, or thinking about __what if__ \- but even that panicked him because it meant he was losing his grip, losing himself. __I can't relax, I can't afford to. People depend on me. I have to protect them. I'm dangerous to be around.__ Freya and Steve watched him as he struggled, watched him pretend he is __not__ struggling and they try their best to help but they know it has to come from him. They know he will never forgive himself but maybe they can help him to live with it, live with the memories that haunt him.

He found it difficult to respond to acts of kindness and friendship. Sam would pretend to try and annoy him, to get a sense of humour flowing. Nat would ask him to show her some of the Soldier's moves and they would end up training together. And then Tony...well, Tony made him an Avenger.

 _ _I don't deserve this. I'm dangerous. You cannot trust me. What if?__ His mind would not be quiet.

But everyone welcomed him into the group. Bucky smiled and laughed at their jokes. Then afterwards, he locked himself in the bathroom and threw up. __I can't do this,__ you _ _can't do this__ , his mind kept saying those same words again and again. __What if you fail?__

Then he realised, no. His mind wasn't saying _ _if,__ it was saying __when__. When you fail. __When__ you allow the bad guys to win, when you let them take everything away from you. _ _I don't have the Soldier with me any more. I don't want to hurt people, I don't want...__ It would have broken his Captain's and his Constant's hearts to hear him.

Then he began to notice Freya growing paler. She wasn't well, he could see it in her eyes, see it in the way she was trying to protect him. When he and Steve were by themselves they discussed what to do. __What if?__ The words began again. What if she's dying? What if its my fault? What if its because of what I did to her?

On the outside Bucky Barnes looked as though he was coping. He did everything he should. He went jogging with Steve and Sam. He trained with Natasha so she could get her own back (her words). He and Steve began to do up the farmhouse and all the time he was dying inside. He was petrified.

 _ _What If?__

Then relief at the revelation that Freya was not sick. But even then his mind would not allow him to rest. Instead that night, whilst he lay between her and Steve he awoke, hot, panic making his heart thump inside his chest. His first thought. __What if I can't protect my sons? What if Hydra come after them? What if I've passed degenerate genes onto my son? What if?__

 _ _I should have died. They should have let me go.__

When someone is that sick inside, it starts to change them. Something needs to happen or else they implode. Bucky Barnes may have had the serum inside him to help him live longer but his mind started to work against that. __If I died it would be better, if I died I would pay back for all the lives I have taken, if I died I won't let anyone down.__

And yet there, in the back of his mind, for the first time ever, another another thought formed. Small, just a little niggle. Instead of __what if__? there was __I want__ \- I want to be there for my son, for Freya, for Steve.

The catalyst happened when he least expected it and it freed him. He didn't expect that __Hydra__ would be the ones to free him. His constant worry was that he would turn and run in the face of conflict. He didn't.

He faced conflict, and the thought to run never even entered his mind. The thought that he could not protect his loved ones did not even put in an appearance. Sitwell and his mercenaries threatened all that Bucky held dear and he saw red. Literally. Then they used the words, those dreaded Hydra words but they held no sway over him.

After that day Bucky was able to put __what if__ behind him. He began to live again. Small steps.

He realised he would not run away; he would always fight. The Soldier had left him because he had been sure that Bucky could cope. He had made sure first he was up to the fight, up to his future. And as Bucky drew that blade across Sitwell's throat he knew he would do anything to protect - and not just those that he loved. He would protect the innocent. He would never need to worry again. He made a promise. He would pay back each life he had taken with one he saved. One by one.

Mind you, thinking back he remembers being absolutely terrified when Freya collapsed on the landing as she had gone into labour. What the hell was he supposed to do? Didn't they say you needed hot water and blankets. Or was it cold water and hot blankets? Any other time hearing strong language coming from her would have been funny but he hadn't known what to do or say. Thank god help arrived; thank god he and Steve were saved from - __god forbid -__ delivering twins.

They had travelled with her to the hospital and not let her out of their sight. They had stayed with her during the births. She had held Bucky's hand so tight she had bruised him whilst Steve had told her to breathe. "What the hell do you think I'm doing?" she had yelled as another contraction had hit her.

Ten hours later they were all exhausted. Freya was asleep in the bed with two cots next to her, two sleeping babies – and a lot of stitches. Steve and Bucky were asleep in the chairs beside her bed, and that was how Sam and Janis had found them. Anita was there as well. "Trust you not to wait for the caesarian," had been her opening words to Freya.

The babies. The twins. What can he say? Bucky looks at them now.

One as blond as Steve, always smiling. Chris had learnt to walk first, learnt to talk first, and god you had to watch him once he found his feet. He was interested in everything, so curious and he could already charm the ladies.

And then there was dark-haired Sebastian, who was so like James. Quite, with huge eyes that watched everything. He followed Chris everywhere. At first they could not get him to speak; Chris would talk for him. Then they realised he could talk, he just chose not to. He would eventually ask questions. He would study things and take things in. His conversations were serious unless he was talking with Chris. Chris would make him laugh, could __always__ make his brother smile. The rare times Seb did make a joke were welcome.

It took them a while to fully realise how the serum had affected the boys. To look at, they were just two ordinary kids. They weren't identical twins, but you could tell they were brothers. Both were strong, rarely sick, and minor wounds would heal within hours. Chris could charm anyone, anything. He could fix anything, see how it worked just by looking at it. And he had a daredevil side to him. He would dive into anything and everything before thinking about it.

But Sebastian. How do you explain him? He had similar traits to his brother, but he looked at the world in a different way. He didn't just take things apart and put them back so they worked better as Chris did. He found new ways for the things to work. But what worried them at first was the nightmares he would have, both sleeping and awake. He could sense things - knew when they were going to happen. As he became older this became more apparent and the family adjusted accordingly.

Tony was pulling both of them into projects before they were old enough to wear long pants. One thing though that everyone would agree on was that the boys were loved by their parents. And that both boys would eventually fight side by side with their fathers. It was a given.

All that time Bucky had wasted on w _ _hat if's?__ But then he would wonder. __Was my time wasted? Time is what Steve and I seem to have plenty of.__ But that thought would make him think about Freya. She has serum in her blood stream but whereas he and Steve still looked as young, she __was__ beginning to age; not at the rate like other women he knew but it was still happening. She would always be beautiful to him, but he could not make her understand that. She would always be Freya but he would find himself with a knot of panic in his stomach, __I can't live without her__ he would think. _ _I don't want to. Please god isn't there something I can do to stop it? Is there some way they could add my blood to hers?__ When these thoughts came to mind he would die a little more each time. His mind would try and turn away from the thoughts. Always at these times Sebastian would come up and just be with his father, often not saying a word. Bucky knows people cannot live forever and it is one of the things that haunts him. Over time he and Steve have started to lose friends. Not just to death but also illness, dementia.

Living forever was turning into being a cruel way to die slowly.

He shakes his head to clear his thoughts. He doesn't want to think of them, doesn't want to think of living without people.

He is supposed to actually be chastising the fourteen year old twins but he is instead watching them from the bedroom window. They are in the paddock with Chris' latest addition. Another dirt bike. Seb is sat on the fence watching and as Bucky watches he turns and looks straight into his father's eyes. He lifts a hand, waves and then twirls his finger next to his head indicating what he is thinking of Chris's riding abilities. Bucky cannot help but smile. The lads came home three hours ago, Chris on top of the world and Seb unable to lie. He had heard Freya confront them.

"Okay what have you been up to?" Because she could see it in their faces that they had done something. Chris had just shrugged but not before he smiled, ducked his head, his cheeks colouring. Seb of course had just shown them – proudly. Tattoos. Both of them had them done. On the top of the left arm a red star. On top of the right Caps shield.

"Why?" Freya had asked, upset that her boys were harmed and marked in that way.

"Because we love you," Chris had said. It was usually Seb that came out with the wise words that would shut her up but this time it was his brother. There was no postulating, no excuses just a simple explanation and what could she say to that?

"I thought you being the sensible one..." Freya had turned to Seb expecting him to blush but instead he had walked up to his mother and kissed her on the forehead. Shut her down right away. Made her cry after they had left the room and Bucky had held her close. They had seen her scars, they know she is marked in the same way. They know it is James that scarred her. And Bucky knows every scar on her body and he knows he put them there – every single one. Yet she never mentions them, never even when they argue. He sometimes traces over each one when they make love, says he is sorry and she will always smile and tell him she is not. She would rather die from a thousand wounds than ever live without knowing him.

"Buck?" he hears her shout and shakes himself from his reverie. She shouts again and he replies telling her he is on his way. "Tell the boys it's nearly dinner will you?" she asks as he reaches the bottom of the stairs. She is warm from cooking and he reaches out and smooths her hair away from her face and she smiles. He leans in closer and kisses her gently on the lips, makes her laugh and she puts her hands up against his chest.

"Why do you always choose the most inconvenient moments to work your magic?" she says quietly looking into his eyes.

"Can't you just put it in the oven for a few minutes?" he asks, and then grins and she hits him gently.

"Mr Barnes, I do believe you are flirting with me," and then she spoils the effect by blowing air through her bangs and making him grin again.

"Ms Bowman, I do believe you like it that way," he says and she backs up a step her cheeks colouring and her eyes on him.

"Can't you two just get a room?" a voice breaks in and they jump slightly as if caught. Chris grins at them just as Steve would. Seb smiles and shakes his head in the background.

"Whats going on?" they hear Steve's voice as he comes through and now the hallway is getting a little crowded.

"Mom and Dad getting caught necking what else?"

Steve gently bats Chris around the head. "Then you shouldn't be looking, go wash up..." he growls good naturedly and winks at Freya. He follows both young men through to the kitchen.

"Later..." Bucky says to Freya and her face lights up and she hesitates for just a moment but then they hear the boys arguing with Steve and decide he really does need rescuing. After all the teenagers now have to admit to their other father about the tattoos. "I wonder what he'll say," Freya says thinking the exact same thing as Bucky.

And in a Steve's voice Bucky mimics him. "Well, you know, I guess boys will be boys!"

He follows Freya through to the kitchen where Steve is just stirring a pot on top on the stove. The boys are washing their hands and he makes his way to the fridge, asks everyone what they would like to drink.

"I think the rice is done," Steve says to Freya and they begin to serve up whilst Bucky and the boys sit at the table. During the meal Bucky looks around at his family; at what he has been given. __What did I do to deserve all of this? How can I be so lucky?__ His mind reminds him: __You carried on living and made your life mean something. That's what.__

Freya tells Chris to tell his father what he got up to today and Chris proudly shows Steve the tattoos. Steve almost chokes oh his meal. Seb grins and then shows his.

After the initial shock they wait to see what Steve says.

"Well, you know I guess boys will be boys!"

Seb turns to Chris. "Told you that's what he would say," and at the exact same time Bucky has turned to Freya and said the same thing. Like father like son.

"What? Steve says.

"I looked it up," Freya says. "The legal age for a tattoo to be done is eighteen __unless__ they have parental consent and even then they have to be sixteen! So who did it? Hmm? They won't tell me. Are you trying to tell me our __fourteen year old__ sons look like they are eighteen? Unless one of you gave consent and lied for them?"

Both men immediately shake their heads but Freya can see they are trying not to laugh.

"Mom, what can I say, we look mature. We got them by ourselves I promise," Seb says and she harrumphs but they know she is not really angry with any of them.

That night Bucky wakes from a nightmare. Nearly every night one of Hydra's victims follows him into sleep. Tonight it is the turn of a young girl whose only crime was to try and earn money for a better life; she was collateral damage to Hydra but to him she is now one of the many who talk to him each night. He gets up and goes to the bathroom and when he gets back Steve is awake and asks him if he is all right. Freya is fast asleep. Bucky scratches his head, runs his hands through his hair.

"Just my shoulder," he uses it as an excuse. His shoulder __is__ playing up, the metal making the skin sore.

"Come here," Steve says quietly beckoning him and Bucky gets back into bed lying on his front and Steve gently massages the skin. Bucky closes his eyes and concentrates on Steve's hands, they are pleasantly cool against his hot skin. Freya turns over but they tell her there is nothing to worry about and to go back to sleep.

"You're sure?" she says sleepily.

"I've got him, its okay," Steve says and within seconds she is asleep again. Bucky opens his eyes and looks at Steve who smiles gently. "I've got you, its okay, I won't let you go this time," he says and it is a running joke. Steve means he will not let him fall ever again and sometimes that is just what Bucky needs to hear.

Bucky settles back down with Steve's arm around him, his hand on Steve's chest. His mind allows him to settle and they both sleep. No more images haunt him for the rest of the night.

 **...**

 **The Winter Soldier - The End Journey**

 **Fifteen years later -** **2044**

No one can know exactly what the future holds until it is upon them.

It has been a long summer's day. You push open the screen door and walk along the porch to the chair that Bucky and Steve bought for you when you first moved in all those years ago. The men are inside tidying up after the evening meal and you have left them to it.

Both Chris and Seb are home this weekend. Truth be told they come home so often you have never cleared their bedrooms out. Why would you? This will always be their home, will always be their sanctuary should they ever need it. They are grown men now with their own lives. Christopher is to be married next year, a surprise to you all because women love him and he is so outgoing but he has found __the one__. You can see it in his eyes. Sebastian is quieter, like his father, but there have been both male and female companions. One day he may settle.

Chris is more serious than he used to be, but he can still make all of you laugh. You haven't noticed a distinct change in Seb as he has always been serious, but you can see he is more confident in dealing with his abilities now. He has told you he has learnt to phase some things out, put them into the background whilst he gets on with day-to-day living. It helps.

The twins are based in New York at the moment helping out an ageing Tony. He had once told you he would never grow grey – never allow it - but he has grown grey. You all have with the exception of course of Steve and Bucky who may not look it, but mentally they have grown older. The twins are both part of the Avengers team, and both fight along side their fathers. It has been a while though since they were needed and you thank god every day for the peace and quiet in their lives.

You sit in your chair and put your feet up. You love this time of day. The evening is cooling off, it is dusky but you can still see across to the paddock and the sky looks so beautiful, criss-crossed in different colours. You notice for the fist time that the leaves of the trees are slowly turning, getting ready for the fall. Only a month more and you will need to wear a cardigan out here.

You settle back against the cushion and close your eyes. You feel so tired. You may only look like you are in your fifties but you feel so much older, and so are your bones. You ache all over and get cold so easily these days so you pull the blanket on the back of the chair down and slip it over your legs.

Everyone around you is showing their age. The Avenger team has changed because of it. Bucky and Steve still lead the group, but the others have taken on more background roles and tasks. The old hands are teaching the new younger Avengers how to fight, how to learn, how to understand people. The complex is still up and running but with new and different weapons, new people. After all this is 2044. The world around you has changed so much. You think about that number. 2044 - it sounds so futuristic. So much has happened in all that time and yet here you are still, sitting on the porch as you did twenty - thirty years ago.

You open your eyes when you hear the garden gate swing open and sit up on your elbow but the handrail of the porch blocks your view so you stand. A visitor at this time late in the day is unusual. You briefly wonder whether to call out to one of the men inside but then you see who it is and you relax. The sun glares as it is low in the sky but you'd recognise the man you love and cherish, anywhere. Strange, you think, Bucky was inside with the others. You shuffle to put your shoes on and then move forward and walk down the steps to be with him. He has stopped within a few feet of the garden gate.

"I thought you were inside with Steve and the boys, how did you sneak out?" you say and smile reaching up to run your fingers down his cheek. You look at him and realise he is in dressed in black. He looks so serious. "Are you on call out? Has something happened?" you ask, but Bucky shakes his head.

He catches your hand and puts it to his lips and you laugh. He still looks so young. You tut, you didn't realise his hair had grown so long again. It really needs cutting.

Over the years since the children had come along he has grown quieter, yet in some ways more like the Bucky Steve had known - less than the James you had. And of course the Soldier is long gone. Yet looking at him now, you can so clearly see the man you fell in love with.

He is studying you almost as if he hasn't seen you in a long time and you ask him: "What?"

"I...I always think I know just how much I love you and now looking at you I realise just..." and he shakes his head, those beautiful blue eyes seem to drink you in.

You take a good look at him. He really does need a haircut. You realise the jacket he is wearing is one of the old leather ones; he didn't bring a lot from his time with Hydra but that jacket has always been with him.

You put your hand up against his chest and he brings his own up and covers yours. He brings it to his lips and kisses your hand and then holds it to him. It has been a while since you shared his bed for anything other than company, because although both Steve and Bucky promise you it doesn't matter to them, you know you are getting older and it does bother you. Looking at him now you wish that is where you were, right now, in his arms showing him how much you love him back. You have missed the intimacy.

"You were always mine," he whispers. You can see crows feet starting around his eyes and now his eyes looks tired, he hasn't shaved and the stubble is dark against his skin. "I have missed you so very much," he says quietly and you realise his eyes are shining from unshed tears.

"Hey, I was only gone ten minutes," you laugh and take your hand from his so you can put your arm through his so you can walk with him back to the house but he doesn't move. You hear the screen door open and you turn around and see Seb come out of the house.

You take a step forward but Bucky puts a hand on your arm and you stop. "You need to come with me," he says quietly.

"Where to?" you ask slightly confused but smiling - well truth be known, flirting. He makes you feel young again.

You hear Seb's voice clearly. "Hey Mom, sleepy head you need to come in and stop the bickering." But he is not looking at you. He is walking towards your chair and directing his words there. You see him stop. "Hey Mom," he slowly kneels down on one knee. "Mom?" his voice is quieter now. "No, please no, Mom? Oh no. No."

"Sebastian," you call to him but he doesn't move.

Bucky's hand tightens on your arm as you see Sebastian lower his head, his hand resting on the shoulder of the person lying on the chair. The person is you.

You take your arm from Bucky's and walk forward. You can see Seb's face; it has paled and he is shaking his head. "No...no please..." You watch as he raises his hands and for a moment covers his face. "Please no don't let this have happened, please don't..." you hear him say and now you can see clearly what it is that he is looking at.

It is you. You are still in the chair. Eyes closed. At peace.

The Soldier walks up behind you and puts his hand on your arm again, turns you slightly. You have your own hands over your mouth and you can't take your eyes away from the porch, but when you feel his touch you look up. His eyes are clear now, blue. He can hear the distress in your voice and he steps forward and gently places his arms around you, you are still facing the porch.

"Its all right, he will be okay. They all will be," he says. You turn and look at him and he smiles at you.

"I don't understand?" you say quietly.

"You need to come with me," the Soldier says.

You turn back. Sebastian is standing now and you watch whilst he moves the cover of the blanket slightly then bends to pick your body up and into his arms. He cradles it to him and as he turns you see tears on his cheeks.

You turn back to your Soldier. "But..."

"You promised me..." the Soldier says to you. "...you promised you would always be here for me. You belong to me, you're my Constant. I've waited so long for you to come back," he says. You see a panic in his eyes and your heart goes out to him. Your mind is beginning to realise, your heart beginning to recognise your Solider, your James. You put a hand up and stroke his cheek.

"It is you," you say quietly, he sees your eyes widen, sees the recognition and you see relief in his eyes. And then you lean your head against his chest, his arms come up and around you and he holds you so tight, kisses the top of your head.

"It's time for you to come with me. They will miss you but I promise they will be all right," he says as you gently pull away to look at his face again.

You turn back to the porch and both you and the Soldier watch as Seb carries your body back to the screen door and opens it with his foot and then he stops. Looks out towards you, and you know that see he can __see you__.

This son of yours has always suffered with feelings, always been so much more sensitive than his brother, picked up on things no one else can see. And now you know he can __see__ you now or something he recognises as you.

"They will be all right," the Soldier says to you again and he nods to Seb.

"But..." and you want to take a step forward, a step towards your son. Seb smiles but has tears in his eyes.

"I know its time for you to go with him. Time for you to be together again. He's been waiting for you," he says to you. He nods back to the Soldier, tries to smile at you. "Look after her," he says to James and then turns and pushes his way through the screen door. Then he is gone.

"But what about Bucky?" you say, and the Soldier nods. "He has Steve, they still have work to do but your job is done. He will miss you but he will be all right. I promise. You will see them again one day," he says, and then puts his hand on your cheek, strokes it, his eyes looking at you so gently. "I need you. It's our time now," he says and his voice catches.

You know this is your James. This is your Winter Soldier, who died when Bucky truly came back to Steve. You lean forward, you breathe in his smell, close your eyes and kiss him. Your kiss is returned, you can taste him and so many memories come flooding back into your mind. When you break the kiss and open your eyes he looks younger. The tiredness has gone. He reaches up behind you and pulls your hair braid forward. It never grew back to the length you had it when he first met you...but now it has. You look at your hands. They are smooth. You are close to letting go, to crying.

"I've missed you so much," you whisper. And inside you feel like a missing part of your heart has been filled.

"I know. And I have missed you so much." He takes your hand again. "Come on, we have a way to go yet," he says.

You look back once more at the house you have called your home and it always will be. The light is on in the window and you know they are all in there but you know in your heart the Soldier is correct. They will be all right but it is his time now.

You look back at him.

"My Soldier; my beautiful Winter Soldier; my James."

 **...**

 _ _Sebastian comes out to see what is taking his mother so long. She is usually only out here for ten minutes but he has been feeling troubled about her all day. "Hey Mom. Sleepy head, you need to come in and stop the bickering." but then he stops because he knows.__

 _ _She is in her chair, feet up and eyes closed but there is a peacefulness about her that makes his heart beat faster, makes him realise that he was right to be worried. He crouches down next to the chair and feels for a pulse. There is nothing. "Please no don't let this have happened, please don't..." he says quietly but he knows nothing can help. Not now. He covers his face for a moment, breathes deeply and then he looks at her face again.__

 _ _He stands, reaches down and gently picks her up. Cradles her to him as he walks back to the screen door. He uses his foot to open it and then turns to push his way through and that is when he sees them. The shades of the Soldier and his Constant stood close to each other, watching him. The twins know all about the Soldier, their parents have always been truthful and open about the past. Seb knows how much his mother loves Bucky with all of her heart, how she loves Steve, but he has also always seen, has always felt, the sorrow in his mother. He knows it is for her Soldier, her James.__

 _ _The Soldier nods to him and he tries to smile to say he knows he will look after her. She looks so young stood there, they both do.__

 _ _He can hear his brother laughing inside. He nods to the Soldier, tries to smile at Freya, to tell her she can go, that she is free. Then taking a deep breath he turns, and holding his mother's body close, he goes back inside.__

 **The End**


End file.
